Getting Fired at Step 4: When I Stopped Trying to Manage My Recovery – Rich P.

Okay, please turn off all cell phones and try to limit movement during the meeting to avoid distractions and please help welcome our speaker Rich from the Central Orlando Group. Good evening everyone. My name is Rich. I'm a recovered alcoholic from the Central Orlando Group. And I say recovered alcoholic because that's what the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous tells me. My sponsor told me early on that that is a textbook and it's meant to be studied. It's probably the book I've read the most. Well, it is the book I've read the most. And it's meant everything to me. Let's begin at the beginning. I was born in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Yeah. I was. The first of two sons to two very loving parents. My parents aren't alcoholics. My brother's not an alcoholic. My cousins aren't alcoholics. My aunt and uncles aren't alcoholics. My grandparents aren't alcoholics. I'm kind of the Lone Ranger. Later on, I found out I have a great grandfather who is an alcoholic, but I didn't figure that out till probably a couple months ago. Growing up, I always felt different. I was never comfortable in my own skin. I always looked at everyone else and I cared a lot more about what you thought about me than what I thought about me. I always kind of saw myself as an outcast or, you know, if you gave me a look, you were definitely talking about me. And it definitely was not a good thing. And, you know, that stuck from a real early age. You know, I can remember doing that in first grade. Being real scared. I was really scared of everyone else in class. Not knowing who my friends were or who to trust or, you know. And that's how I lived my life. With that fear. And I don't know about you all, but living in that kind of emotions 24-7 is exhausting. For me, it was absolutely exhausting. But that's the way I tried to continue things, you know, because that's the only way I knew. I figured, you know, that's how everyone else lives their life. So I tried to continue on. Made friends here and there. But, you know, nothing that really stuck forever more than a few years. I was a very competitive child. I had to win. At any cost. I had to win. And that's not really conducive to making friends either. I learned that the hard way. You know, I had this false sense of pride that, you know, if I won, then, you know, next time everyone would want to be on my team. Or I wouldn't be the last one picked. So, you know, I developed a sense of self-worth must go along with winning. Because then people want you on your team. I didn't really see the part where after they're done winning the game, they really don't want to have anything to do with you. You know, I spent my junior high or middle school years with a crowd of people that I just kept trying to fit in. I was a square peg trying to fit in a round hole there. And, you know, I didn't figure out until high school, actually, that, you know, the people that I thought were my friends actually were talking about me behind my back. And, you know, weren't really my friends. So I learned early on not to trust anyone too much. Not to let anyone in too deeply. And I started to build those walls. Those walls that were the only thing that I knew to protect me. You know? I didn't have a rough childhood growing up, you know, from parents or situation. You know, I had a very loving family. I come from an upper middle class family. I was privately educated my whole life. I had a good life. You know? I don't have, quote unquote, a reason to blame that I was, you know, an alcoholic. Personally, and you can decide for yourself, but personally, I think I was an alcoholic from the day I was born. And I say that because I was always selfish and self-centered from the very start. You know? It was always my way or the highway. I was very good at arguments and getting my way. Either I would find a way to outsmart you in my argument to beat yours, or I would just argue with you until you were blue in the face and you gave up. Because it wasn't worth fighting. And, you know, that saying, would you rather be happy than right? Well, for a long time, I chose that. I wanted to be right. And you can imagine what kind of results I got with that. When I got to high school, a number of my friends had gotten busted drinking on a school field trip. So I said to myself, well, I'm going to be smarter than them. I'm not going to drink at school. I'm not going to drink, you know, when there's a lot of supervision. So I'll drink on vacations. You know, because that's what the adult thing to do is, right? You know, I watched in movies or commercials or, you know, watched friends of my parents growing up. Adults get together, you know, laugh, have drinks, start to laugh some more. And everyone seems to be having a good time. And life is easy. So, you know, I started drinking on vacations. And I'd love to tell you that I had a really strong drink. The first time. I'd love to tell you it was something nice and manly like a beer. I'm pretty sure it was a frozen strawberry daiquiri with some rum on top. And that's just how it is. And, you know, when I would be taking these drinks on vacation, you know, all of a sudden I wasn't quite so worried about what you thought of me. In fact, I thought that you probably thought I was the best thing since sliced bread. Normally. Normally. And when I had a relative inability to speak to, you know, girls at all, you know, suddenly I could say pretty much whatever I wanted. And one really worried about the outcome. So I thought that was the best thing. And that continued. And I just kind of kept to my vacation drinking because I figured that's how I could, you know, outsmart everyone. Not get in trouble. Have the fun I wanted. And, you know, I always knew where I wanted to go to college. So I figured I got plenty of time to do my drinking. Plenty of time to do my partying. You know, I'll just pay my dues, wait my time until I get there. The summer before my freshman year of college, I was working in a beach town. It's called Ocean City, Maryland. Population goes up exponentially during the summer because of everyone who comes in just to work for the summer season and leaves. So naturally. You know, I think the best idea in the world is to get a job as a waiter. That way I can hang out at the beach all day. Wait tables at night. And go out and have fun at night. And for anyone who, you know, hasn't worked in the restaurant industry, there's a lot of drinking that goes on there. It was pretty much, you know, my set schedule that I would get off of work by 11 o'clock. Have some dinner. I was fortunate enough to have a friend who didn't drink. So they were always my DD. And we would get together with everyone from the restaurant the night after. Or that night. And just keep drinking until no one could stand up anymore. I remember a friend of mine would pick up the same bottle of the same stuff every single night. And it tasted terrible. But if he offered me one, I was definitely going to take it. Because it's much better for you to pay for my food. And for me to pay for my drinks. Than for me to pay for my drinks. And, you know, it was never challenging for me to get access to alcohol. Because, you know, I often hung out with older people. So, you know, I just slipped them a 20 or, you know, whatever I needed. And they'd go into the liquor store and come out with it. And I thought, yeah, this is the life. This is what, you know, college is going to be like. So I got to college. And, you know, I saw... It was a... It was a big party school. A college I'd always planned to go to. It was also a big in the Greek system. Eight sororities. 28 fraternities. And I had always known I wanted to join a fraternity. Because I had watched my dad growing up and his fraternity brothers. How they would get together every year to go to ski trips. Or, you know, get together for the big game. And he looked like he belonged. He had guys in college who, you know, were still friends with him today. And I figured, well, if you just join a fraternity, that's what I got to do. You know, to fit in. To find people who are going to have my back. Who are going to be lifelong friends. Join a fraternity. So, you know, freshman year you start poking around campus. And, you know, it was only weekends I would do my drinking. Friday nights and Saturday nights, those were party nights. But school was still important. We even had some events where... We would hang out with a group of friends on Sunday nights. So we wouldn't go out partying and whatnot. But very quickly people were inviting us out for beer and pizza on Sundays for football. So Sunday became a drinking day. And, well, of course, it's Monday night football. And beer and pizza goes with Monday night football. So, you know, Monday became a drinking day. And, you know, unlike regular people who might have a beer or two with the game. You know, by halftime. We're saying forget the game and are playing all out drinking games. And just knocking back beer after beer or drink after drink. Whatever it was that night. Didn't really matter as long as they put it in front of me. So all of a sudden there's alcohol. There's, you know, people who are inviting me to go places. And giving me free alcohol. There's a bunch of good looking women around. And that's always nice. So, you know, these ideas became synonymous in my mind. And I thought that's just how to live. That's just how, you know, you unwind. You relax. You cut loose. That's how you do it. So, you know, I came to the conclusion there really aren't any important classes on Fridays. I mean, who goes to class on Fridays, really? So Thursday night was good to be a drinking night. And, you know, so now we're up to Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday are drinking nights. And that only leaves. Tuesday, Wednesday is non-drinking nights. And it's really not hard for me, or it wasn't, for me to find an excuse not to drink. You know. So easily I could find an excuse on a Tuesday or Wednesday to drink. There would be times where, you know, I would go weeks at a time without realizing that I hadn't. Not drank that night. And, you know, since I still thought I was the greatest thing since sliced bread, just to make sure I got into a fraternity, I would rush a bunch of them to make sure I got a few bids, which I did. So I joined a fraternity where I thought that would solve all my problems because then I'll fit in and it'll all be good. That'll be how I have my friend network and people will always have my back no matter what. And, you know, it's even easier to drink when you're in a fraternity when you don't even have to leave the house. I mean, I was not one of those alcoholics who was, you know, scrounging around worried about where my next drink was going to come from because I always made sure I had a stockpile on hand. In fraternity living, you know, I had a bar with at least a dozen bottles at any time and the fraternity had a liquor closet and a beer closet for, you know, a couple of days. And I was like, I'm going to go to a bar. I'm going to go to a bar. I'm going to go to a bar. You know, the 30 guys that lived in the house. And I stopped going out other places. I stopped. I didn't go visit any colleges where my friends were hanging out. I would always tell them to come to me. You know, I had the big party school. I had, you know, beer and liquor on tap 24-7, you know, come there. What I didn't realize was I was really just boxing myself into that building. I was boxing myself into what would become, you know, more and more of my alcoholic tendencies. And, you know, I'd always wake up the next day and, you know, I'd know if my girlfriend wasn't laying next to me that I did something dumb last night and I probably owed her an apology. Or I'd do something blacked out and, you know, people would be giving me a weird look the next day and I'd say, you know, hey, how was the party for you guys? And wonder why they wouldn't want to talk to me. You know, I wasn't always the nicest drunk in the world. Far from it. You know, I always rationalized that it wasn't the drinking I liked. It was the drinking games. It was the competitive nature. You know, I could play the games without alcohol, but it's there, so I might as well drink it. You know, I was the guy who was always willing to play a drinking game at any time of the day, no matter what was going on, come find me. And I rationalized to myself, building more walls around myself, that it was because I liked being competitive, because it was about the games and blowing off steam. And I don't drink to get drunk or the effect. I just enjoy these games. And it became harder and harder to lie to myself, but I did. Because I didn't take very long at all to look any deeper. You know, I didn't stop to actually look at the lies. You know, if fear or resentment or sadness, would come up, it's time to round up the guys to go play a drinking game. It's time to open up a bottle. It's happy hour somewhere. And, you know, calling yourself an alcoholic was like a running joke. You know, it was like something to be strived for, meaning you could drink a lot. We had all sorts of running jokes and slogans in college, like, you know, AA's for quitters. Best detox. Best detox is retox, as I'd pick up the cold beer in the morning. No, we had a tailgate chair that literally had keys to the whole house. And on Saturdays, would go around, key into your room, and hand you a beer to wake you up in the morning. So I would get up at 8 in the morning to start my drinking and drinking games before I went to tailgates and drank some more. And I don't even know. I don't know most of the games that happened in college. So this was my life. And I figured that, you know, everyone the next day, I would apologize. And they'd, no, it's okay. It happens to all of us. You know, I surrounded myself with a lot of hard drinkers. I didn't realize that's what I was doing. So for everything that I was doing, I thought was completely normal for the average person. Completely normal for the average college drinker. And, you know, we would, Sundays were all about piecing your weekend together. You know, you'd talk to all the guys and we would help each other piece together the missing places of our weekend. And I only really considered a blackout when I really didn't remember the entire night. I figured if I remembered some of the night, it really wasn't blacked out. I just wasn't important enough to remember. I'm a pretty good liar at myself, huh? Somehow I graduated college. I'm not quite really sure how. Well, let me rephrase. I know how I did it. I did it through a lot of lying and cheating. I would lie to professors. You didn't get my paper in the email? I sent it. That's weird. Oh, my computer has a virus? I'll get you that paper. Or, you know, copying off a buddy's homework or getting someone else to write that paper for me. You know, I'd rationalize. Well, it's not my major. So it's not really that important. You know, it's just their requirements, you know. When am I ever going to learn or need to use that? Accounting. I wish I would have paid more attention. And, you know, right before I was going to graduate college, you know, it had gotten pretty bad. You know, less and less guys in the fraternity house wanted to talk to me. The girlfriend was gone. And, you know, I had an incident where I went to a cousin's wedding in Mississippi. And good old Mississippi boys. I was always the youngest cousin. And so I wanted so bad to fit in with those guys. So, you know, my idea of fitting in was being able to drink more than anyone else who was there. Not a good idea with a bunch of Mississippi boys who like... Wild turkey. Not a good idea. And I made a fool of myself. But not just making a fool of myself. I imposed on them. My cousin was getting married. And, you know, the night before his wedding, he and I are wrestling out in the grass. Not fun wrestling. He's trying to put me in my place because I'm being a pain. And busts up his foot. How selfish is that? It's... The night before his wedding, and I'm being drunk and causing a problem. And, you know, after I came home from that wedding, you know, the mother of the bride had been also partying with us. And he passed along through the family tree that there might be a problem with my drinking. And when my parents confronted me about it, I was appalled. You know, well, who's he to say anything? He was there drinking with us. You know, he was encouraging people. I had every excuse in the book. I was insulted. You know, they thought I was an alcoholic. And I was like, I'm not a bum under a bridge with my bottle in a little brown paper bag. You know, I'm not beating my children. You know, these ideas, these strange ideas of what I had, an alcoholic was. And, you know, I was going to come back the next month. I went to Mississippi for the other cousin's wedding. Well, all of a sudden, Rich isn't welcome at family weddings. Because he's too much trouble. And that hurt. That hurt. So, you know, I finally came to the conclusion, well, you know, maybe, just maybe the problem has something to do with my drinking. So I went online and looked up meetings in the area. And thought about it. And thought about it. And thought about it. And I was getting to a meeting about 15 minutes early. Turns out I was getting there 15 minutes before it ended. And I heard people talking about God. And I looked at the steps on the wall, skipped the first seven, looked at eight, said make amends to them all. I said, not so much. There are a couple that all were. There are a couple that, you know, you wouldn't make amends to them if you knew what they did to me. and so I kept going. I graduated college, used a geographic location and moved to Atlanta slash Orlando back and forth between the two for a job and I even had one of those moments in Atlanta which I'd had so many of where I go out, I party with coworkers, I black out, I cause a scene, the boss is asking me, do you think you have a drinking problem? Does this type of thing happen often? No, no, hardly ever. But once again, the only person I was lying to was myself really. When I got settled in Orlando, I really didn't know anyone and I didn't want to go out to the bars or clubs or whatnot because I was nervous that if I mouthed off to the wrong person or something of the like that I'd get my butt kicked. And never did I coincide in my thinking that if I didn't drink like a fish I probably wouldn't be mouthing off at anyone. And so I just became a recluse in my home and was just working and coming home. Now there are times where I wouldn't drink for a period of time where I would say I'm really going to, I'm going to let go of drinking and I'm going to get healthy. I'm going to drop some of that, you know, that beer weight, that college weight. And so I can't drink and I need to do that. Yeah, that lasted about three weeks and I would go back to it. You know, I always would come up with a reason. No, I'm definitely going to do it this time. I was like, I'm not going to drink anymore. I'm not going to drink. I'd always go back. If I didn't, you'd probably have a different speaker here tonight as the nature of the disease. And, you know, I lost a really good job because I went out partying with my coworkers one night, blackout, drunk, you know, coming to somewhere on the streets in downtown Orlando, 5.36 in the morning, you know, no credit card, missing all, you know, missing keys. This is nothing new for me. You know, I'm used to a scavenger hunt in the morning. Apparently, my employer, didn't think the same thing. He didn't take too kindly. And I was out of a job and I still wasn't ready to say it was my drinking. Oh, they just don't understand me. You know, they had it in for me. And, you know, so I went up to D.C. to help my brother for a few weeks with work. And from there, I went up to the beach because a bunch of my old fraternity brothers were getting together to hang out and party. Um, a bunch of them were going to be, they were younger than me, but they were going to be graduating college. So they were taking a senior week trip, you know, a time period after finals, but before graduation. Um, and, you know, so I decided to show up there. Um, and, you know, where I was in my life, I, you know, I was just like, the heck with it. You know, I didn't want to feel anything. I just wanted to completely numb out. So, you know, on May 17th of 2011, I drank everything they put in front of me. I was blacked out by, uh, before the sun was down. Um, and I don't remember anything else that night. I woke up the next morning in a world of pain and people had to piece together the night before. And I was like, I had, you know, come home from the bar and flipped a drinking table they were playing games on. Um, and then got cold clocked in the eye, which explained to me why I couldn't open my eye very much and why I had a real purple mark there. Um, that's probably the best thing that guy could have ever done for me. You know, he felt real bad about it the next day. I said, why do you feel bad? I walked in there and flipped the table. I had to hit you too. You know, and some of the other guys told me about how they were worried that I was going to go out there and hurt myself or hurt someone else. You know, and I don't say this because I'm proud of it. I say it because of the level of insanity that it got to. You know, a football player looking guy, a guy who looks like a big old lumberjack and a mixed martial artist were holding me down because they didn't want me to leave the place. And with all them holding me down, I, I not only kicked down a door, I kicked the whole door frame down. And I'm not a very strong guy. So that just talks about the level of insanity to me. I just wanted to escape all of the pain. And I tried to do the normal thing the next day. Apologize to everyone, get everyone to co-sign, you know, my bowl. And, you know, I almost got away with that. But I had to call my uncle to have him come, uh, help me fix the door. Um, and, you know, we had a long talk afterward about how he had dated an alcoholic for a long time. And he tried to support her and help her. Um, but eventually he had to cut her loose because she couldn't stay sober and he couldn't stay with her. Um, and when I asked him, you know, how can I pay you back for, uh, for helping me fix this door? He said, never pick up a drink again. I don't think you can do it, but never pick up a drink again. In five years, you're either going to be in debt or prison. I don't, I don't know how to thank him enough. The next day I, you know, once again got on the computer, did a search, and found my way to an Alcoholics Anonymous. Anonymous meeting. You know, cut up, banged up, bruised up in every inch of my body so much that I can't lay down without being uncomfortable or in pain. But I showed up to that meeting, pores just, you know, thinking I could just brush my teeth that I wouldn't smell like alcohol. It's just seeping out my pores, so there's no hiding it. I mean, come on, I got a black eye. Um, and they asked if there was anyone who was at their first meet, if it was their first meeting. I raised my hand and I said, yeah, my name is Rich, I'm an alcoholic. And that was about all I could say at that meeting. Um, but I looked around the room and I was like, wow, you know, uh, these don't look like a bunch of people under a bridge. You know, there were older people, there were younger people, there were men, women, different races, different language groups. Um, and, you know, when they asked, if anyone had a desire to stop drinking, I got up and I got a chip. And that really got me started on my journey. They gave me a big book for free. These people I'd never met before wanted to give me a book for free. My own friends didn't want to help me out and do things, and now I have these strangers who are extending their hand to me. So I started going to meetings. I was, you know, still on my quasi-unemployment vacation. Um, so I start going to meetings as I travel in Delaware and Pennsylvania. Um, my brother needs his car on the west coast, so I think it's a good idea to, uh, drive cross country, um, to bring it to him. And I had a meeting in Santa Fe, New Mexico, and I thought the meeting was weird and I used that as an excuse not to come back. Um, so I tried just, you know, live in my way. I mean, they, people had told me, you know, it's okay, just come to meetings. Just come to meetings, just keep coming back, you know, meeting makers make it. So that's what I did. You know, people would from time to time say get a sponsor, but I had no idea what a sponsor was. No one ever said what it was, or at least, if they did, I wasn't listening. And I was too afraid to ask anyone any questions. You know, I was in and out pretty quickly if I went to a meeting. I didn't realize there was a meeting before the meeting and a meeting after the meeting. They were all, they were just as, if not more important. And I couldn't figure out, you know, as I'm traveling, you know, thinking, well, maybe I just need to move again. You know, why I put down alcohol and my life has gotten worse. I was completely baffled. And, you know, the real turning point for me came, you know, when my brother looked at me in an argument and called me a mean drunk. And, and I've certainly been called worse things in the world, but my younger brother is pretty much my favorite person in the world. And he said to me, you know, I love you because you're my brother, but if we were friends on the street and met, we wouldn't be friends. I wouldn't like you. And that was the tipping point for me. That was when I knew I needed to get back to Orlando and start doing something. Because what I was doing wasn't working. I was literally to the point where I was sitting in a motel room contemplating killing myself. Not because I wanted to die, but just because I was tired of this cycle of pain. I didn't know how to go on drinking and I didn't know how to go on not drinking because y'all said just go to meetings and it'll all be good. And I did that and it wasn't all good. I was in even more pain. You know, I thought killing myself would be the only thing that I could do for my family because then at least they could collect the insurance money. That's how far gone I was. That's how far my insanity took me. So when I got back to Orlando, I looked up a meeting and went to the Central Orlando group and went to the meeting and talked to the chairperson afterwards and said, so, you know, what's this whole sponsor thing? And she was very happy to direct me to all the gentlemen outside and say, this is Rich. He needs someone to talk to. And, you know, I talked to some of the guys and they invited me to go out to coffee. It shocked me. Wait, wait, wait. These people that don't know me want to hang out with me. I didn't want to hang out with me. You know, looking back on it, it may seem small at the time, but, you know, from, where I was in my journey, being brand new, it meant the world. You know, I was used to people walking the other direction when they saw me coming as opposed to walking towards me. And, you know, I decided to say, well, you know, yeah, I'm going to get a sponsor, but I need a sponsor who's like this and he needs to have this attribute and if we're going to do all this deep work, he needs to have this and this like me. And the guy looks at me and goes, dude, you're not going to marry him. Just pick a sponsor, start working the steps, if it doesn't work out, get a new one. That's how it works around here. So I asked the guy to sponsor me and that's what I started doing. I started doing the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I looked at the first step. Powerless over alcohol. Yeah, I can see that one. Life unmanageable, well, I mean, I still have an apartment and that guy over there doesn't. I'm trying not to point at any of you. You know, that person out there, you know, doesn't have a car or an apartment. That guy there, you know, has gone to jail. So, is my life really unmanageable? I wasn't looking at all the things I had done. I wasn't looking at all of the ways I was like all of you. I only looked at the ways I wasn't and would close my mind. When I started to look at the ways I was like you, friends leaving you, yep. Girlfriend gone, yep. Yep. Hurting family, yep. Lose a job, yep. Going just crazy, yep. And suddenly, I was able to believe that my life was unmanageable. And, you know, I had had a lot of resentments towards the word God because I had a certain understanding of God in my upbringing. But when my sponsor explained in step two that I could just come to believe in a power greater than myself, any power, then, you know, that was something I could appreciate. You know, I kind of stopped him there and went, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're telling me I can have a higher power and I can do it any way I want. Well, that's perfect because I'm used to doing things any way I want. So that got me moving. He said, all right, now that you're willing to do that, let's make a decision to turn my will and life over to the care of that higher power as I understood him. I said, okay, how do we do that? Well, he said, take a knee with me. So we took a knee and we said the third step prayer. And through that process, life was getting better and better. All of a sudden, you know, people are smiling, I'm going to meetings, you know, life's still a bit better. You know, I can use a third step prayer if I get into trouble or in the mornings. And that fourth step, that didn't look like a lot of fun. The next ten meetings I went to, all were on the fourth step. I seemed to only pay attention to the crowd of people who were saying, I went back out because I didn't do my fourth step right. I went back out because I forgot something on my fourth step. You know, I went back out, fourth step, fourth step, fourth step, fourth step. I was petrified of my fourth step. So I dug my heels in for a month. And what I didn't realize I was doing was I was at step three and all of a sudden I'm back at step two. I'm known to myself. And all of a sudden I'm back at step one B as I like to call it. And then I'm back at step one A because I'm trying to manage my own life. And then one night, you know, things hit the fan and I'm thinking about drinking. Fortunately, you all pick up at three in the morning and someone did. I just kept calling until someone did. And not long after that, you know, I woke up one morning and my sponsor had texted me and said, yeah, you're going to need to find a new sponsor. I can't help you anymore. You know, if you're not going to do the work, I can't help you. And the first thought that went through my mind was, yep, I can do this on my own. That lasted for all of about five seconds. Because I said, no, I can't. I've been doing it my way the whole time and that certainly doesn't work. And these people seem to have something that works because they've been able to stay sober for long periods of time and they show up at meetings every day and they're smiling. So there was a guy I was working with to start a young person's meeting in the Orlando area. And, you know, he seemed to know what he was doing. And I said, well, you know, I noticed he wasn't raising his hand for sponsoring, but I said, you know, will you sponsor me? And he said, well, show up at a meeting at this time and place and we'll talk about it. So I showed up. I showed up there and he said, all right, you're going to listen to this Biggs book study a half hour every day. You're going to call me at least once every couple of days. You're going to be hitting meetings. And we're going to be doing the steps. And I said, all right, well, I'm at four. He said, no, you're not. You're at one. And my ego wanted to get in the way, but, you know, I said, all right, if that's what I've got to do, that's what I've got to do. So he told me to read the Spiritual Experience Appendix 2 in the doctor's opinion. So in the doctor's opinion, I learned about the nature of the disease. I learned, you know, that once I put it into my body, I want more and more and more. Yep, I could identify with that. It always, you know, has struck me how it takes so many pages to write the doctor's opinion and then the spiritual experience is a page and a half. You know, it took so many pages to outline, the nature of the problem and the solution was a page and a half. So we did steps one, two, and three pretty quickly. And he said, and guess what? Your fourth step, we're doing next Saturday, so get it done. So I did that. I remembered everything I could to the best of my ability and put it down and went for it. And we had a discussion about it. We had a discussion about, you know, what I did. He shared with me some things that he had done that he had done that he had done that he had done and that made me feel a lot better about myself. And there were a lot of things that he had done that, you know, I could relate to and I wasn't so alone. You know, all these things that I thought no one would ever be able to understand. Suddenly I realized I was just like everybody else. At least everybody else in here. So, you know, at the end, you know, he said, you're going to go home. You're going to open the big book with the instructions there and you're going to sit for an hour and, you know, if you haven't, if I haven't heard from you in an hour, I know that you'll have taken steps six and seven, that you didn't leave anything off your fifth step. So that's what I did. After an hour of meditation and looking back on my journey before that, I couldn't remember anything else. So I got down on my knees and I said the seven step prayer. And the most miraculous thing happened. My obsession to drink was taken from me. You know, now I'd heard people say that through doing the steps, you know, that obsession would go away. But I didn't think it applied to me. And I certainly didn't think it would come after step seven. You know, I thought, well, you don't have to get to the end of it. I was at seven. I hadn't asked my higher power to take the obsession away or anything. But at the same time, you know, I asked him to remove my shortcomings. And left it up to him and was entirely willing. And that obsession left and it hasn't come back a day since. Making my eight step list was pretty simple. It was just copying over my fourth step list. Night step? Well, wouldn't you know. Right about the time it was time to do my ninth step, there was a big family reunion. Perfect timing. I don't know about you all, but my higher power has a great sense of humor. So I got to do a whole bunch of amends. Those were actually the hardest ones for me personally. I came across that make amends to them all one. And there are certain ones that I didn't want to, but I said, I'm willing to go to them if I need to. Some of them I was sent to. Some of them, we decided that I've done enough harm to them. The good that I can do is by leaving them alone. So, through step 10, I take a personal inventory every day. That way I don't have to write big long fourth steps all the time. You know, because the previous steps were about cleaning out the past, whereas 10 was helping me stay present. So I didn't have to carry all that stuff all the time. I was amazed how much stuff I could get done when I was sober and when I was, you know, working with my family. working with my family. working with my family. working with my family. Not just dry, but sober, working a program where I didn't have to carry around all this fear and all this anger and all this resentment. You know, I, words fail to describe it. So I kept, you know, poking at my sponsor and I said, okay, well, you know, when are we going to do 11? He says, how about now? So, you know, we did, sought through prayer and meditation just about trying to get closer to Him, Him being my higher power, asking for the power to carry out His will and knowledge of what that is. I said, okay, a couple days later. How about, when do we do 12? How about now? Do you think you've had a spiritual awakening? Yep. Okay. Well, then I guess it's time for you to go out there and start helping other people. I realize I've skipped over some timeline here and there, but, you know, my sobriety date is June 24th, 2011. You know, in sobriety I thought that, you know, sobriety meant as long as I wasn't drinking but I was doing other things, that that was okay. And that's the discrepancy between the May and the June date. Just in case you're wondering. And of course, I was too scared at the time to ask anyone because I didn't really want to know the answer. When I got to step 12, I was three months sober. And I'd had a lot of people tell me, you can't sponsor until you have a year. You shouldn't even say anything until you have a year. Things of that nature. And I asked my sponsor and he said, can you show me that in the big book? Because I must have missed that page. You know, he showed me a page where it said, immediately you try to go start helping others. He showed me a page where people would come in on Friday to get sober. They would do the steps in a weekend and be sponsoring by Monday. He showed me a page in the big book where it talks about how Dr. Bob sponsored a guy through the steps in three or four hours. So, technically rich, he says, you're behind like three months as opposed to, you know, early nine months for waiting for a year. So that's what I did. I started raising my hand. You know, I started being available. I would walk up to the newcomer afterwards who just picked up a white chip or was in his first 30 days. And I would talk to him. I would talk about, you know, what's going on in his life. What's going on in my life. You know, there's a whole chapter on how to work with others. You know, I don't have to reinvent the wheel. There's decades of experience. And, you know, they have that, all these lessons that we've learned throughout our history of AA through their experiences of guess and test. Try, fail, and learn from it. It's how we got the traditions. We learn, they learn from their mistakes. So if I can learn from those things, I don't have to make those same mistakes. And other people don't have to either. Every time I took another step forward in sobriety, my sponsor was ready to push me forward to the next step. And that's what I needed. And I don't just mean the actual steps. I mean, you know, okay, you're sponsoring, okay, now how about sharing a meeting? Now how about being involved in young persons AA and quote unquote regular AA? You know, how about getting a service position at your home group? You know, these are all progressions. How about holding the door? Because just because you're a sponsor and you have, you know, a whole bunch of sponsees and, you know, you have a position in your home group, you've got to make sure you're still humble enough that you're not too much of a big shot. You've got to hold the door for everyone. Every time I got an opportunity to be of service through Alcoholics Anonymous is really a gift for me. You know, I got to jump on the tail end of the 2011 host committee for Ficky Paw when it was in Space Coast. You know, I had barely any time, but they needed a hand. And I was told when someone needs a hand for service in AA, not to turn it down. You know, I've gone on a 12-step call driving to Jacksonville before to take someone to a meeting. Whether or not they stay sober isn't important to me. I can't control that. I can't get anyone sober. I can't get anyone drunk. But they kept me sober during it. They kept me sober during that drive and during that hour during the meeting. And every time I'm asked to do service, it's another opportunity. It's another opportunity for me to dig in deeper. You know, I had an opportunity to help out with a tradition seminar. Not because I was brilliant at traditions, but because my sponsor thought it would be a good thing for me to learn traditions. So, you know, I had a whole bunch of other AA-related books in front of me. Other conference-approved literature. AA comes of age. Language of the heart. Anything I could. Being asked to do service to me isn't about how much you know. It's about how much you dig in the moment you're asked to do something. You know, personally for me, you know, when I got asked to be here and was told it was going to be in front of 60, 70 people, I said, oh boy. Time to dig in further. Time to dig in deeper. You know, I, for me, that looked like doing more work in my home group. For me, that looked like digging into the traditions deeper and getting involved in a young men's group. For me, that looked like getting involved with the Orlando bid for Ficky Paw. It was any opportunity I could be of service to a group of people in an organization. They didn't give me a life back. They gave me a better life. I mean, it may sound cliche, but a better life than I could have imagined. Because in my drinking days, I only had ideas of destruction. And here, it's a blessing and an honor that I've, you know, been able to do so many amazing things in AA and learn so many amazing things. And it doesn't matter how much time you have. Quality and quantity are not equal. There are guys with 30 years of sobriety. I don't want a thing that they have. But there are guys with 25 years of sobriety or 10 or 12 or whatever it may be who will still go up to the newcomer after the meeting and shake their hand. Who will still hold the door. Who still go to meetings. Who are still active in their home group. I don't respect someone's sobriety because of how much time they have. I respect someone's sobriety who shows me that they're earning it again. Every single day. Every single day the men I respect in this program say, how can I earn my sobriety again? What can I do in my sobriety again today? So I really appreciate you all having me here and I really appreciate you all helping me stay sober for this hour. Thanks. Thank you.