Funny Recovery Share – Adam T.

I want to first thank you for inviting me to come talk tonight. It's always an honor and a privilege to be asked to participate in Alcoholics Anonymous. Ultimately, it's a responsibility to give back what was so freely given to me. I want welcome anybody that's new. You know, if you're trying AA one more time, perhaps you don't think this will work for you. If you don't want to be here tonight, you know, if you think this is all a big misunderstanding. Sorry it's come to this. I mean, I don't mean to be funny, but Alcoholics Anonymous wasn't on my to-do list. You know, I didn't get to AA because I had a bad weekend. I had a couple of bad decades. And for me, like a lot of us, this had to become a matter of life and death. Where I live in Southern California, Los Angeles, they give chips for 30, 60, 90 days. I think they do that everywhere. And I was one of those perpetual chip takers. I had so many chips and key tags, I could have played poker with them. I mean, it was awful. I remember the secretary in one meeting saying, give them back. You know, I recycled cycled through the rooms for 17 years. And I thank God for the unconditional love and the compassion of the old-timers who I remember saying, don't even bother taking shifts, kid. Just sit in the back. Shut up. But they made it very clear to me that the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous would continue to be open. And if and when I was ready to take actions in AlcoholicsAnonymous, that AA would be there for me. And as a newcomer, I remember there was so much guilt and shame about being new. Doing that walk of shame over and over and ever again as a new comer. I remember what I would do is I would go into your head and look back at myself and think, What a loser! My goodness, why can't you get this? What's wrong with you? And I know the old timers were judging me. And, you know, if you're new, we're judging. We make bets. Right? We're not that spiritual. I mean, think about it. I love it when they say, don't judge anybody in AA. You guys hear that around here? What do they tell you five minutes later? Stick with the winners. right you hear a lot of contradictions in Alcoholics Anonymous that are not necessarily in our basic text in the literature I remember getting out of you know rehab and my counselor says to me he says Adam don't make any major changes in your first year so I come to AA get get a sponsor. What does he tell me? You got to change everything, right? I was told don't make any major decisions in my first year. You guys seen the third step? How about don't get in a relationship in your first year? That's a good one. No one knows if that works. No one's ever done it. Maybe in this crowd. There's a part that we read called, We are not saints. I tell people, if you've got a halo, don't let it choke you. But the one I love is God doesn't give us more than we can handle. If that was really true, if I really believed that statement, then I wouldn't need God's help. And the longer I've been sober, the longer I've be separated from alcohol the more I've come to terms with the fact that I absolutely do need God' s help. I need your help. Help is the dirtiest four-letter word in these rooms. It was the hardest thing for me to really relinquish control and ask for help. And my experience with Alcoholics Anonymous is that AA has done for me what I could never do for myself. self. It's done for many of us here tonight what we could never do for ourselves, collectively as a fellowship and as a society, what I could never do. And the interesting thing about AA, we talk about the steps as being how it works. Really, the traditions are why it works, and for many years in Alcoholics Anonymous, I wanted to change everything about AA. My home group is the Marina Center in Culver City, and every week we get these These new people that come in and they immediately want to change the format and, you know, change the way we run the group. And a couple months later, we never see them again. And I wanted to change everything about AA as a newcomer too. And you know what? The longer I've been here, the more I want to keep Alcoholics Anonymous exactly the way it is. You know, the steps stopped me from committing suicide. If you haven't noticed, the 12 traditions stop us from committing homicide. Oh, you don't believe it? Get involved in a business meeting. Or a committee. One of us doesn't work the steps, one of us dies, right? If we don't work The Twelve Traditions, we all die. And again, for me, like a lot of us, when Alcoholics Anonymous really became a matter of life and death for me then I started to truly respect the thing that was saving my life. You know, you want to see some drama? Get between an alcoholic and a drink. Want to see some drama in my life? Get between me and Alcoholics Anonymous. And, you know, I mean, for me as a newcomer, looking back at it, what I would do is, I used to come to meetings drunk. Now, the interesting thing about AlcoholicsAnonymous these days is if you see somebody drunk in AA, the first thing people say is, is, oh my gosh, what's he doing here? Right? I mean, think about it. With the event of treatment, which swoops a lot of us up in our most desperate moments, throws us into yoga class, craft hour, nature walks. What I would do is I would go to... We have these late night meetings in Los Angeles, Hollywood, 11.30, 12 at night. and I would go to 7-Eleven, get a big gulp cup, fill it up with liquor, put a little splash of Coca-Cola on top. Then I'd cruise into the late night AA meeting, do some of my best sharing. Looking for friends. And they weren't laughing. And then eventually I started going through treatment centers. And you know what? This is not a plug for treatment. But by the time I finally got sober, I'd gone through treatment 28 times. Not 28 days like the movie. This isn't Hollywood. 28 consecutive times. And I remember telling my sponsor I went through treatment 48 times. I was hoping that would get rid of the guy. You know, loser. Go find someone that's willing. And he looks me right in the eye and he says, you know, Adam, that doesn't make you an alcoholic. And I thought, you're kidding. He says, no, it means you paid half a million dollars for a big book. I wasn't laughing at that either. I didn't think that was funny. You know, the big book's making a big comeback in AA. And I'm not going to start quoting pages tonight out of the big book, but page 101 of the big book says any scheme that attempts to shield the alcoholic from from temptation, is doomed to failure. See, treatment was a great place to fatten me up for another run. But treatment never solved the problem. And I always thought the problem was alcohol. And a friend of mine, he said, you know Adam, that little bottle of Jack Daniels you got there? That little shot glass, that little drink, that little 12-pack? He said, if that's your problem, you're probably not an alcoholic. And then in the very next breath, he says to me, and if you are in fact an alcoholic, the type that's described in the doctor's opinion in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous your problem is in alcohol and it took me another decade to understand what he was trying to tell me because for me it was obvious I couldn't live with alcohol everyone could see that from the time I was in junior high school, they call it middle school now, I mean I'm in 8th grade, I'm already passed out under the bleachers peeing in my pants drooling on my desk desk. You know, my nickname was Space Cadet in A3. I couldn't find homeroom. But see, the greater aspect of this disease for me as an alcoholic is not that I can't live with it, but really that I cannot live without it. Not happily and not successfully. And what it really means for me to be an alcoholic, is that I have a mind that somehow always It always takes me back to alcohol. A mind that always leads me back to a drink. I have a mind, a defiant mind, a mind that will argue with anybody about anything at any time. You tell me it's black, I'll tell you it's white. You tell Me it's big, I'll call you small. You tell You to go left, I'll go right with an attitude. And then I'll blame You for eternity. Defiance dogs my every step. You know, that's why we say denial is an acronym. It stands for don't even notice I am lying. Think about it. You could tell an alcoholic, but you can't tell him much. Right? You don't believe it? Try sponsoring somebody. It's my nature. You can lead me into the gates of hell, but you cannot push me into heaven. That's why Wilson talks about the tradition of attraction rather than promotion. For me, like many of us as an alcoholic, I had to come to AA on my own terms. I couldn't do it for anybody but me. You know what all the religions and treatment centers have in common? They all send their drunks to us. And I remember it like it was yesterday. That turning point for me, when I was in one more treatment center. You know, I was 120 pounds. I was dying of alcoholism. I was broken. I was hopeless. I was dirty. You know? I let everybody down one more time. Remember that great feeling in detox? Some of you guys are probably just there. You know what? I'm sitting in the detox circle with my fellow associates. You know, a vision for you. And this woman from AA comes in, you know, on her H&I panel. Now, H&R in Southern California, I don't know if you have a similar committee here, but it stands for Hospitals and Institutions. And it's a committee of Alcoholics Anonymous that brings meetings into prisons and treatment centers and detoxes. So, you now, this woman is on her h&i panel and she's, you know, talking to us in detox. And she looks us all up and down and she says, if I could give you all the gift of recovery, I wouldn't do it. And I looked at her and I looked at the guy next to me and I said, what a bitch. And then she said something that would later change my life. She said, the reason I wouldnít give you the gift or recovery is because I wouldnít rob you of the journey. And, you know, all of these years later, I understand that that journey to recovery, just like that journey to surrender, that each and every drunk has to walk is personal. You know, and if you're new, we can't give you that. That intangible gift of desperation. Now there's an acronym for you. A friend of mine said God stands for grow or die. He wasn't that soft and fluffy with me. You know, and I had to get to that turning point. A place in my life where my head can't get enough and my body can't take anymore. And then people like me die. And then I stop drinking and I have a whole other problem. Because now I've got a body that can't process alcohol and I've Got a mind that can' t process reality. and it always takes me back to a drink. So there I am in this place and, you know, like I said, I know that nobody could give me that gift of desperation. It's almost like alcohol, as the big book says, was the great persuader. I had to have a relationship with booze. I had to get to that place of hopelessness. And, you know, my experience now is that I could write all day long on step one. Until I'd beaten down that liquor store door at 5 in the morning, 5.59, over and over and over again, or paid the clerk at 7.11 after closing $100 for a six-pack, you know, or done a lot of the despicable, diabolical, disgusting things that many Many of us do on that journey to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. You think writing about it was going to help me see the truth? I had to have a relationship with alcohol. And, you know, if you're new, ifyou haven't noticed, we're the only people that want a reward because we ran out of a burning building. Think about it. But, you know, if you're feeling heroic because you gave up your big Thursday night to hang out with us, this is the only place on God's earth where they'll actually applaud because you came in to save your own life. Right? You know, I throw away my job, my house, my car, my relationship. You give me a little plastic chip and I'm supposed to be happy? So if you're sitting here thinking about drinking, that beats the heck out of being in a bar right now thinking about getting sober. Welcome to AA. If you're waiting for the miracle to happen, guess what? It might have already happened. You're here. I know that for me, you know, my mom and my family are sleeping better tonight because I'm here. And if I live to be 100 years old, I could never pay Alcoholics Anonymous back for that freedom and the relationships and the love and the roadmap to spiritual success that I found because of Bill and Bob. You know, I want to welcome you again if you're new. I remember when I was new, my sponsor said to me, And he said, Adam, I want you to buy a black suit. And I said, why? And he says, well, if you stick around Alcoholics Anonymous, it'll come in handy. Unfortunately, you'll go to a lot of funerals. And then he said something really nice. He said, oh, and by the way, if we don't have alcoholics, if you drink again, at least we'll have something nice to bury you in. He was mean. You know, but my experience today is that if you baby the alcoholic, you're burying him. I needed to hear the truth about alcoholism. That it was fatal, it was progressive, it was chronic. And I know a lot of people throw the phrase out, don't drink no matter what. But in my mind, I think, why don't you join Nancy Reagan's merry band of winners and just say no? When everything demands that I stand and deliver, I show up drunk. I have no effective mental defense against the first drink. I can't bring, like the big book says, into my consciousness with sufficient force the pain and suffering of a week or a month ago. I love it when people say, what's your drug of choice? I'm like, alcohol is my drug of no choice. I don't choose not to drink. I'm powerless. Yet when I become willing to take make other seemingly unrelated actions, all of a sudden I have freedom from alcohol. And I really think in many ways that's the message of Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, we talk about jails, institutions and death. You know? That's kind of like hamburgers, fries and a Coke. You know but I do a lot of service in detox centers and you know there's this language that you hear. It's a second language. It's called victimese. Like they just can't seem to realize that the drinking bone connects to the detox bone. Or the jail bone. It's like a big leap for them. And I guess it was for me. That's why I have to continually stay in the middle of this thing. so I can stay really clear on the truth in my life about Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, that victimese thing that they have, it usually starts with, I lost everything. I'm like, I didn't lose anything. It was all drink coupons for me. You know? I know there's a relationship for me between willingness and surrender. And I see it in my wife. They seem to be equally proportional. proportional. You ever notice you'll never see anybody more willing to work the program of Alcoholics Anonymous than the guy that comes crawling through the back door of your, you know, your home group after a long, hard run? And he'll do anything, right? 90 meetings in 90 days. First day out of detox, he's got three sponsors. Right? He wants to take our whole coffee pot home with him. Doesn't even have a trunk to put in it. That's how we lose half our literature. And that same guy, 30, 60, 90 days later Is looking me right in the eye saying You mean we've got to go to meetings every day? And like a prize fighter I throw in the towel And then I start to take the towel back One little piece at a time I take my will back And it's so interesting Because you hear it in every meeting People that do not recover People that cannot or will not And I look at my resistance, the thing that's blocking me from spiritual freedom. And you know what it is? It's another form of denial. Because we talk about admission. The opposite of admission for me is denial. But there's two kinds of denial for me. There's denial about the problem. But the greater aspect of denial, for a drunk like me, is about the solution. That these time-tested steps, this plan of action, this roadmap to spiritual success, it's not going to work for me? You know why it's not going to work for me? Because it wasn't my idea. Sound familiar? Like minds think alike. You know, I really had to come to terms with what that willingness is. And I understand for me today that there is a relationship between the act of surrender and the state of surrender. The act of surrender is what got me into AA over and over and over and Over again as a newcomer But see the state of surrender Is a completely different concept. That's kind of like what's keeping the old-timers here. It's completely different It's kind OF like watching a swan glide across a pond of still water. It'S so beautiful So effortless it's so graceful but you know what's going on under the water right that swan is paddling like hell and if you're new if you haven't noticed we have a chapter in the big book into action we don't have a character into feelings go tell your therapist that right we don' t have a chapter into thinking thinking. We ought to have a chapter into whining, right? From the podium at the noon meeting. No offense. I'm like, get a job, man. And for me, like a lot of us, I became willing to take actions in Alcoholics Anonymous that I did not believe in. I was asked by my sponsor and my home group to set aside everything I thought I knew about AA, about about the 12 steps, about God, so I could have a new experience with this thing. Everything that I thought I knew about God about myself and about others. Because if you added up those three relationships when I came to AA if you took my relationship with God plus my relationship with self plus my relationship with others and you put an equal sign under it it's simple math. You know what it equals, right? Detox! Now, in the therapeutic community, there's a science called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It's expensive, right? In AA, it's a buck. And it's one sentence. You can't think your way into right living, but you can live your way to right thinking. Very, very simple. Bring the body, the mind will follow. now for me that was the hardest thing in the world to do because I couldn't set aside my old ideas I couldn'T let go of a belief system that I had established from the time I was a child and it's so interesting because we have a circle and a triangle the three legacies of AA recovery, unity and service and it'S been revealed to me just from experience Experience that that triangle, recovery, unity, and service, translates into three specific actions for me. Contribute, belong, and learn. Contributed service, belonging is unity. To learn is to uncover, discover, and discard what's blocking me. And the more that I sit in the center of that triangle and take those very simple actions, the more than I somehow feel wanted, needed, and loved in every area of my life. And if you're new, we can't give you that without taking the action. You know, I couldn't experience that until I was willing to take actions here that I didn't believe in. It's just that simple. If there's a weight pile and I lift weights every day, am I going to get strong? It doesn't matter how I feel about it, what I think. And those simple actions in Alcoholics Anonymous eventually began to change my perception. All of my life, I predicated everything on how I felt. I don't feel like showing up for work. I don'T feel like sitting in the front. I DON'T feel LIKE taking commitments. I DONT feel like being responsible. And in Alcoholics Anonymous, I had to reverse that process. And by taking the actions, my thinking and eventually my feelings changed. And it's just that simple. And if you're new, I wish we could give you that. But like everything else, I HAD to take the action. We talk about drinking all day long. If you haven't experienced it, you couldn't really understand why we do what we do. That's why normies are like, I can't believe you did it again. Now, speaking about hospitals and institutions, H&I, I do a lot of H&Is. You know why? Because I'm an alumni from everywhere. everywhere. And one of the panels that I have at the Veterans Administration, you know, I've had it for years. One of the greatest illustrations of surrender that I'd ever experienced came out of one of those panels at the VA. Now, you get into a room, you know, we have big meetings at the V.A. in West L.A., you know maybe like 100, 150 guys, soldiers. Now, you get in a room full of soldiers and you start talking about surrender. You know what happens, right? Room gets quiet. Dead quiet. Especially Marines. You know, but if you ever watch a soldier surrender like on CNN, the illustration's perfect. And you might want to relate it to alcohol if you're new. If you ever watch a solider surrender, you'll see the solider take the rifle, very slowly lay it it on the ground, sit down on the side of the road, wait for someone to tell them what to do. Right? When you've got 40 AK-47s pointed at your head, you don't throw down the gun with an attitude. Kind of like these guys put their court cards in the basket. Think about it. You're not sitting on the sid of the row looking back at the gun because if if you do, someone's going to shoot you. Am I looking back at alcohol? Am I look back at the magic that I once found in booze? Is that the euphoric recall? The peculiar mental twist? The lurking reservation that Wilson talks about? Is that what it is? It's so interesting because for me, when I look back at it, it's almost like I'm in the high school gym 25, 30 years later girls are gone the lights are out it's an empty room it's dark I'm all by myself in that room saying where's the party now there's no disco ball where I was drinking you know we talk about my worst day sober is better than my best day drinking my worst days sober is better then my last day drinking and I think about those moments when life had its moments and for those moments as an alcoholic I'm willing to give my life to recapture and recreate the magic that I once found in booze it's almost like Oz never gave the tin man anything he didn't already have what am I trying to put in myself that's not already there because that idea will kill me You know, it's interesting because there's a guy named Dr. Harry Thiebaud and you can look him up on the Internet. It's not an outside issue. In fact, he's one of the contributing members to some of our original literature. And Thiebault talks about the difference between compliance and surrender. And it's interested because, you know, compliance by definition is cooperation without agreement. And I've been in compliance with AA for years, years, doing it for sober living, doing it for the judicial system, doing it for parole department, doing it for DCSF. Where I live on the west side of LA they do it for trust fund. But see that concept of surrender, kind of like that soldier that lays down that rifle, that concept is unconditional. additional. If you're new, for me, I had to see that there could be no reservation. I had to get to AA on my own terms. That's freedom. I mean, we say freedom is another definition for nothing else to lose. I said, I'm going to do it. I'm not going to lose anything. I had nothing else at that point. It became do or die for me. You know, and I eventually got to that place and I was able to see the truth. Because if you're like me, as an alcoholic, fear is not going to keep someone like me sober. Fear doesn't work. Getting a third strike, living on the street, being homeless, losing my career, throwing away my education, losing my family. Did scared straight work for you guys? Went right over my head. Now Now, the big book talks about the problem drinker and illustrates the problem drunker as someone that can stop or moderate given sufficient reason, right? Big difference between a problem drinkers and an alcoholic. Think about it. You get a problem drinking and a real alcoholic in a jail cell for, say, drunk driving. You've got two completely different philosophies going on. You've got the problem drinker over here sitting on one side of the cell, you know, beating on the table thinking, man, why did I have that fifth beer? I knew I shouldn't have drank so much. Why did I drink so much last night? The real alcoholic's sitting over here on the other side of this cell thinking, why did they take Interstate 4? Oh, the court card people never laugh at that joke. Right? Problem drinker's wife says, honey, if you don't stop drinking, I'm leaving you. Problem drinkers' wife says to me, honey. Problem drinkor cleans up his act, doesn't drink in the house, gets a little visine. Now, if my woman says to be, honey if you don't start drinking, i'm leaving, you know what i'm thinking right? I'm thinking about single life. And I've got to look at my relationship with alcohol, because if anything got in the way of alcohol, it was out of my life. I mean, alcohol completed me. It had me from hello. I used to say, don't drink no matter what, but alcohol wouldn't listen. Alcohol was my master. It owned me. And if anything gotten in theway of booze, it would be out of your life. It was out-of-my-life. In fact, I slowly compromised everything. to continue to drink. And if you're new, my experience with Alcoholics Anonymous is almost the same. If anything gets in the way of my recovery, it's out of my life. A woman, I don't care how beautiful she is, how much she loves me, how great she makes me look. Oh, I get an ego. I'm entitled. I remember the first time I said that from the podium, there she was in the back of the room. She's like, honey, you don't look like an alcoholic Oh my goodness, you're not speaking again It's the weekend Why do you got to go to all those meetings, honey? Oh my gosh, you know that program of yours It's getting in the way of our relationship Yeah, you heard that too, huh? So a couple months later You know, it's Thanksgiving dinner It's meet the parents night I'm at the head of the table Her and her lovely family Out comes the exotic wine. She's like, honey, you can have one glass of wine. Oh, come on, just one glass. Sweetie, it's natural wine. Four more rehabs. Oh yeah, I stole her purse that night. Went down to the hood and got an outside issue. Oh, you guys relate to that, huh? And she came to detox with a get well card. Oh yeah, I got four cards from that one. She had another problem. Yeah, for her a slip was ten minutes of compassion. I know, I spoke at an Al-Anon convention a couple of weeks ago. They didn't like that. They can't stand to see us have fun. I tried to send her to Codependents Anonymous. She wouldn't go. You know why? She didn't have anyone to go with. It's horrible, isn't it? I told her when she dies, someone else's life will flash before her eyes. I'm going to quit before I get fed to the alligators. You know, but that's the reality for me. If anything gets in the way of AA, it's out of my life. I have sponsees that pay more in taxes than I earn all year. They have these huge careers and these little tiny AA programs. I've never seen one of them stand the test of time here. What do I do for a living? Oh, I stay sober. Oh, what do I doing for money? That's over there. Now if I get those two things mixed up, I'm back in handcuffs. I get both handcuffs, I get handcuffed. If I get these two things messed up, I'm going to be back in an emergency room. Or I get a double-header, I'm handcuffed to a gurney in an Emergency Room. Oh, I've been there. Anything I put in front of Alcoholics Anonymous. In fact, you know, when I look at it, what I would do is I would build Alcoholics Anonymous around my big life. And as my life slowly expanded, what would happen is AA would become more and more inconvenient. inconvenient. And what I've had to do in order to stay here and really thrive is to build my life around Alcoholics Anonymous. So if you're sitting in here and you feel like you're on the outside of this thing looking in, maybe you are. And I had to really think about it. Was I really committed to a home group? You know, like that triangle recovery, unity and service, my head, my heart My heart and my feet had to be moving in the same direction. My head is inventory, my heart is service, my feet are meanings. That's what being in the middle of it is. And there's a big difference between being in AA and on AA. It's kind of like the difference between being in a submarine or on a submarine. Right? When the ship takes a dive, I guarantee you'll find out if you're in it or on it. And the book talks about the certain low spots. Will I survive those low spots ahead? Life or death. See, for me, self-knowledge won't fix me. I've had every relapse prevention class known to man. You know, half a million dollar big book, believe me. I've got all the therapy available. available. And I'm behind a dumpster again on Skid Row in downtown Los Angeles, drunk, drooling on myself with a bottle of whiskey reciting chapter five out of the big book. Right? And the bum next to me is like, well, you shut up, man. You're ruining my high. Give me that bottle. And i'm crying because I can't get back here because I got a head full of AA. I got got a belly full of booze, and I'm separate, different, and alone one more time. And if you think that sounds painful, you know what's worse? Being in this room tonight, being a real alcoholic and not working the 12 steps. It could be worse. Coming to meetings late, leaving early, not having commitments, not having a sponsor, not being of service. I mean, it's worse. You have no anesthetic. You know, it is very interesting because we always talk about the guy in his first 30 days and we have these moments and milestones of recognition, first 30 day, 60 days. We ought to have a moment of recognition for the guy or girl in their last 30 days. Think about it. You can always spot them. Just ask them how they're doing. I'm fine. I'm like, really? Why don't you tell your face that? that. But see, it's a tragedy because you always hear about him later. Remember so-and-so used to sit in the front row? He went home and shot himself. Overdose. Got a third strike. See, I don't want to be in my last 30 days. I know what it's like to sit in a room or a meeting of Alcoholics synonymous and be in my last 30 days. And you hear people say, oh, we're all the same distance from a drink. I don't believe that. You think this guy here has got four or five commitments working with new people, has a home group, has a sponsor? You think he's the same distance from the drink as this guy? This guy here that's doing nothing? And I don'T mean you. If you get, we're sitting in the front row, right? See, all of my life I was one decision away from a drink. And today between me and that decision, there's a whole world called Alcoholics Anonymous. And it's about commitment. It's about tradition. It's not just about alcoholics. It's also about people like you. It's abut rooms like this. It's a loving higher power in the midst of all of that. And we talk about, you know why the grass is greener over there? It's because they're watering it. And I didn't understand that relationship. And I saw myself one more time back in relapse prevention class, learning about my triggers. Counselor! Counselor, waking up is a trigger for me. Sir, will you please go back to your dorm? I remember telling my sponsor, I said, you know, sponsor, I had a degree when I came to AA. And you know what he said to me? He said, You know, Adam, thermometers have degrees. You know where they stick those? He was mean, vicious. Insensitive to my feelings. See, the knowledge is necessary. It's necessary for me me to win the confidence of a newcomer. Where no one else could do it, where the clergy couldn't do it where the therapist couldn't do it with a drug and alcohol counselor couldn't do it where the parole department couldn't do it. Another drunk was able to win my confidence because he lived like me. He felt like I did. Not just with a drink in his hand, but more importantly in untreated alcoholism. Another alcoholic was able to win my confidence when we talked about resentment. When we talked about selfishness, when we talked About dishonesty, when We talked about fear Another drunk was able To win my confidence because he Lived and felt like I did And you know what the Greatest thing I ever heard in AA was Three simple words Yeah, me too And somehow through that Process I realized how how really the same so many of us are. It was just that simple. You know, on the way over here, we were talking... I know a crowd like this. Do you guys remember Gilligan's Island? Did you ever notice that Gilligan'S Island was a seven deadly sins? Think about it. The captain was gluttony. Gilligan was sloth. Mary Ann was envy. Ginger was lust, right? Mr. Hell was greed. Come on, I would have killed everyone on the island but Ginger. Maybe I would have kept Marianne around for a little drama. But see, the process of another drunk working with me and me working with someone else is that I saw that all of these instincts and all of These Defects and these shortcomings that we talk about are a natural part of being human. The things that I was so ashamed of, these defects. And it's so common. What I do is, you know, I put down the drink and then I pick up the fork. That's gluttony, right? Next thing you know I'm naked in front of the mirror and I'm crying my eyes out saying, God, I can't live like this. Step six and seven. So what do I do? I put Down the Fork and thenI pick upthe credit card. Now I'm going to fix what I did with the fork, right ? I'm in liposuction. I'm back at Ross buying clothes. clothes, trying to cover it up. Then I'm in bankruptcy court on my knees in steps six and seven saying, God, I can't live like this. So I put down the credit card and start acting out in the rooms. Can't go to that meeting again. I love it. There's 412 step programs. They're all identical except for the first half of step one. And my experience is it's so easy for me to play musical poisons in the first half of step one and never really address the problem. And I did that over and over again. And what my book says is that when we straighten out spiritually, we straighten our minds. Mentally and physically. So I love it. You come into AA and you've got all these other things going on. You've got alcoholics. Then you've Got alcoholic addicts. Then you got addict-alcoholics. They're somehow different, right? Of course, you've GOT the dope fiends in the back. They're worse than all of us. and my experience with AA today is that if we don't have a common problem we don' t have a commonsolution alcohol my mind always takes me back to drinking self-knowledge you notice at the end of these meetings they don't say keep coming back it works if you know it it says works if you work it and my experience is that these principles it is only through application and practice that I become spiritually fit thinking it through doesn't work for a guy like me I love it when they say just play the tape through I love that I'm driving my brand new car down the freeway past Skid Row and I play the take through to the cardboard box The dumpster. And you know what my head tells me? Oh, Skid Row wasn't that bad. Toothless honey, I can make it on Skid row. That's insanity, you know. Normal people don't laugh at that. Think about it. I always thought insanity was doing the same thing and expecting different results. Isn't that what you hear in AA? That's not the insanity I live with. I have a completely different brand of insanity. It's doing the same thing, knowing exactly what's going to happen and what? Doing it anyway. Come on, at least the other kind of insanity, doing the samething and expecting different results, at least there's some hope there. But I know exactly what is going to happend and I do it anyway, which points back to what it really means to have lost the power of choice. I don't want to offend anybody tonight, But, you know, for me to pick up a drink is kind of like having sex with a gorilla. Oh, honey, if you have sex with the gorilla, it's not over until the gorilla says it's over. I know, you get that gorilla back in the cage, it starts looking at you again with those loving eyes. Remember how it used to be? Just me and you? Promise I won't tell anybody. We're in Mexico. Awful. But that's the way my mind works on me. Delusion. You know, it reminds me of this guy. He gets a rifle for his birthday. And his lifelong ambition, he's a hunter, he always wanted to go to Alaska, to the tundra and shoot a polar bear. He's a runner. So he goes up, he flies up to the тундra. He's got this brand new rifle he got for his birth. He sees this bear. He takes his shot. And he goes over to look at his kill. and there's a tap on his shoulder. It's a bigger polar bear looking down at him. Yeah, the bear says, you just shot my son. You got two choices. Either let me have my way with you or I'm going to maul you to death. So a couple weeks later he's in the hospital healing up. Now he's got a resentment. So he gets better. He goes back up to where the bear is. He's going to get this bear. bear. So he goes to the exact same spot. He sees the bear. He takes his shot, goes over to check out his kill, tap on his shoulder, bigger polar bear looking down at him. The bear says, hey, you just shot my uncle. You got two choices. Either let me have my way with you or I'm going to maul you to death. Back in the hospital, healing up again. Another resentment. Now this goes on for years back and forth, back and fourth. Finally, he's He's up there back in the tundra. He sees the bear. It's the one. He takes his shot. He goes over to check out his kill. Tap on his shoulder. It's The King of the Polar Bears looking down at him. And the bear says, you know, we've been watching you. You're not really up here for the hunting, are you? It's a little graphic. But if you read the Jay Walker in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, It's really not that far-fetched. See, all of my life I was driven. I was given a job. I was never driven by selfishness. I was proven by dishonesty. I was proved by fear. By resentment. And I look at that today. It's like, you know when they drive cattle, it's an interesting word. You ever see the four horsemen that drive a herd of cattle? If you're in the middle of that herd, you don't even know you're being driven. But you know where cattle's driven, right? It's driven to the slaughterhouse. And all of my life I lived in that delusion. And it's so obvious today. It's so classic. You know, I knew he was a crackhead. I can't believe he robbed my house. Right? I met her in rehab. I can'T believe she drank. I mean, the delusion that I live with. The faulty relationship with this power based on self-reliance. The resentment that drives me to a state of spiritual maladjustment that I have only one choice to drink. And unless I can find something to solve that spiritual problem, I'm doomed. my mind will always take me back to a drink. And eventually I had to really see that, that when I was talking about it earlier, this body that can't process alcohol, this mind that can'T process reality, a lot of people come into AA, I've seen people that I drank with. The doctor's opinion talks about the thing that ties us together is the phenomenon of craving. But a lot if people come in to AA and as soon as they put that drink down, you know, they fit in. I mean, you hear it in chapter 5. Every time we read chapter 5, we talk about our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas, right? A, that I'm an alcoholic and I can't manage my life. B, that probably no human power can relieve my alcoholism. And C, that God could and would have sought. And I'm thinking, before and efter what? But for me as an alcoholic, it's before and efter I put down a drink. The problem drinker comes into AA and thinks the second half of step one is because of his drinking. If that's true, stop drinking. And a lot of people, like I said, come into AA and as soon as they put down the drink, everything works for them. They fit in, they're part of, the career welcomes them back, they come to meetings once a year, never work a step, and their life gets consistently better. Right? They've been serene since their ass hit the seat in AA. That's not my experience. My experience every time I put the drink down, the first thing they say to me is, boy, you need to be on medication. My goodness, why are you so angry? What's wrong with you? Why are you such a wimp? Why are we so emotional? Why can't you sit still back there? And I'm crying at dog food commercials. Right? Think about it. When I'm not drinking, I have a whole other set of problems They're outlined on page 52 of the big book. When I'm not drinking, I'm a prey to misery and depression. When I am not drinking I can't control my emotional nature. When I' m not drinking I can' t manage my personal relationships. Sound familiar? When I´m not drinking I´ m of no use to other people. When I ´m not drinkin´ I´M full of fear. When I''m not drinking I´ M basically unhappy. And the way that plays out for me in untreated alcoholism is I don´t fit in I'm not part of. You don't understand me. Everybody's in my way. Life's not fair. They're not treating me right. I'm never going to be treated right. I'm just not appreciated. They're just not paying me enough for goodness sake. She's cheating on me. I've got a drink. Oh yeah, and something magic happens. I pick up a cocktail and I intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle me. Think about it. You give me a couple more drinks, fear of people and economic insecurity leave me. I'm buying the whole bar of drinks. Hell, I'll write you a check. Not only are you getting better looking, honey, I'm getting better lookin'. Right? Come on, you give me a couple of Vicodin and I can comprehend the word serenity and I know peace. Give me a little cocaine, I want to start a business with you. Now if you're laughing at any of that, there's something really wrong with you guys. Because that doesn't occur in the normal or temperate drinker. Think about it. Alcohol is classified by the AMA as a depressant. Nine out of ten people that pick up a drink, they have a couple drinks and they say, Whoa, whoa, I've got to slow down. I'm feeling it. I have a cup of coffee. A couple drinks, and baby, I want to get married. A couple more, I don't want to go to Vegas. You give me a couple of drinks, I'm trying to find the car keys I hid from myself before the first drink. See, for me, alcohol is a stimulant. And that's what makes me bodily and mentally different. It's not how much I drink or how often I drink, but the effect produced by alcohol in me is so elusive, I can't tell you the truth from the false. In fact, it does so much for me I don't care what it's doing to me. And that is what the earth people don't understand about us. Because they don't have the same effect produced through alcohol. It doesn't have that magic hold on them that makes them clairvoyant and intuitive. And they say stuff like, you drank again? We're surprised when you didn't. At some point looking at the promises, what I did is I suddenly realized that alcohol had done for me what I could not do for myself. And what the promises really say at the end of the promises, it says we suddenly realize that God could do for us what we could not do for ourselves. Didn't some of us suddenly realize that booze had done for us what we Could Not Do For Ourselves? Because if that's really true, then there's a relationship between God and alcohol. And you can see it by substitution in the promises. If you get into the ghettos in this country where everything's been burned to the ground, there's only two things that stick out. Churches and liquor stores. You know why? because they both give man hope. And if you're like me, hope doesn't matter to someone like me until I've become hopeless. Hope doesn't matter to a drunk like me until I burn my life to the ground. Until I get to a place of complete failure of all of my resources. You know, that's why we say from Yale to jail, from Park Avenue to Park Bench, it doesn't matter. When I got to that place where my head couldn't get enough and my body couldn't take anymore, then I had those two choices. Go on to the bitter end or accept spiritual help. And that's like a no-brainer. If you go over to your local Walmart and you do a survey, jails, institutions, and death, happy, joyous, and free. 100%. Step over to our website your local detox, ask the same question. People are scratching their heads saying, well, how bad an alcoholic death? Can I talk to my counselor? And as comical as it sounds, when I really understand what it does for me, that leads me to the place where I will make the supreme sacrifice. Because I don't think AA is going to work for me. That's a really hard place to be. It's a very difficult place to go. It's really dark place to me. a friend of mine said the definition of hell is if God were to show you all the things you might have accomplished if you'd only believed in yourself and if you're new and you can't believe in yourself tonight believe in Alcoholics Anonymous believe in the collective consciousness of this group of this fellowship of this society I mean I think Bill Wilson was in what Time Magazine as being responsible for the largest social movement of the last century This thing's affected like 40 to 50 million people. You know, and I really had to start to look at what it is. I mean, Chuck C. said it better than anybody. He said the real problem here isn't alcohol. He said, the real question is, The real problem is a conscious separation from God. And then he points to the 11th step where you see the solution. Conscious contact with God. And for me, that bridge from 2 to 11 is steps 4 through 9. Maybe what they should say in AA is, rarely have we seen a person fail that's done steps four through nine. Oh, rarely have Weaver seen anybody do four through nine. I do the AA waltz. One, two, three, drink. One, two, three, drink. One, two, three. I'll turn my will and life over to anything but that which will solve the problem. That's why we say you want to hide something from a newcomer. You know where you put it, right? Stick it in the literature. They'll never find it. It's only one thing people like us do in moderation. You know what it is, right? The steps. It took a while for me to understand what a conscious separation from God was. And it's real simple. I didn't want to pray. You know why? I didn'T want God to find out where I was. That's simple. So if you're new, we have a chapter in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, We Agnostics. Have you noticed we don't have a Chapter We Believers? There's a poem in Notre Dame that says, I sought my God, my God I could not see. I sought My soul, My soul I could not free. I sought My brother and I found all three. And that's why we talk about nothing ensures immunity from drinking more than intensive work with others. It is by reaching back in my community and helping another drunk that I see myself. My shortcomings, my defects, my hopes, my salvation. See, for me, this is the only prison where the key's inside. And that's why we talk about AA being the last house on the block because until I've failed on every other resource, I'm not going to come here and do these things. I'll balk all the way through the steps. You know, I look at two, four, nine, and I'm drunk. drunk. But see, for me, like a lot of us, the disease killed me every day and it wouldn't bury me. And I kept coming back to those two choices, go on to the bitter end or accept spiritual help. And in order to do that, I had to eventually get rid of the old ideas that were blocking me. You know, I Had a bunch of conditional relationships with this power. You know, Wilson talks about me being the actor, trying to be the director, right? Trying to arrange the ballet, the lights, the scenery and all the players. And if everyone would do as I wish, life would be great. You ever notice that when an alcoholic's not having a good day, you know when I'm not havinga good day? When I'mnotgettingmyway. We're all like five-year-old kids here with old people's faces. Oh, you don't believe it? Cross one of us. But see, in that play The actor being the director What I had done is I had given God a role in my play And when God doesn't meet My finite human expectations I become separate from that power And I put a label on that power You get in a closet And pray for a hot dog You know what will happen, right? You'll die God can move mountains But you better bring a shovel And I had a belief system that kept me in a place of separation. I tell my sponsees, don't pray for women. God's not a pimp. I knew I'd offend some people tonight. But see, the reality is, as I was able to face and be rid of the things in myself and that belief system that was blocking me, I started to find spiritual freedom. It was just that simple. It's like when they asked Michelangelo, they said to Michelangeli, How did you make the statue of David? And Michelangelo said, I never made the statue of David. I just chipped away everything that wasn't David and there he was. It's such a simple example but it's so true for me. You tell a five-year-old kid I want you to go in your room and straighten out your room you think he wants to do that? You tell that same five- year-old child I want to go into your room and throw out all your old stuff we'll buy you new stuff. How long would that take? If you're new, don't rob yourself. Don't believe that this is all there is in AA. You know, if you sit in a chicken coop for 20 years, guess what? You won't become a chicken. And I didn't understand that unless I took these time-tested steps, unless I was rid of the things in me that were blocking me, I would never realize the spiritual awakening that Wilson was talking about. And as I became willing to look at that one more time I got around a group of people in AA That really knew how to take me through this process And show me that there was much more here Than just sitting in these rooms It was a lot more than just survival You know, I remember my sponsor said Adam, what do you want from AA? And I said, well, I grew up in Malibu What I want is a yacht and a Learjet I mean, I'm honest, right? You know how they make you write that down In your first year, what you want And what he said to me, he said, Adam, if you work steps 4 through 9 and you consistently live in 10, 11, and 12, what you'll get, because I want to know what I can get, right? Because I'm a taker. He said, what you're going to get is a quiet mind and a loving heart. And I looked at him and I said, What do I want that for? But see, you know what the opposite of a quiet mine is, right ? It's a mine that won't shut up. It's the mine that's up at 3 in the morning telling you you're a loser. loser. You're fat. Either that job you got, they're going to do the background check on you. It's the one that's telling you right now your significant other is with their ex while you're in here. Right? So you can't stop text messaging. It' a mind that's up five minutes before me every day saying, you don't need AA. And what's the opposite of of a loving heart, it's a vindictive heart. It's a prejudiced heart. It's an resentful heart. All of my life I was crucified between two thieves. Yesterday and tomorrow. And yesterday I have guilt, shame and remorse. And tomorrow I have fear, anxiety and worry. The product of the steps for me is that I'm present. That I'm free of those two thieves The inventory of resentment to take an event from the past to relive it, to re-feel it and to reenact it in every area of my life and to look at my future the speculation of what I'm going to lose or what I am not going to get and being free of that our spirits are almost like a body of water when they are perfectly still they best reflect the heavens see I know how to get there with a bottle of liquor but my experience shows me that unless I can find that sense of comfort and ease that I sought from alcohol all through this process, there's no way I'm going to stay here. You take the love of my life away from me and you don't give me something better, I'm a dead man. And I believe that's what Alcoholics Anonymous and this plan of action, this power, this process and this program has done for me. And I can never pay AA back for that. You know, in closing, if someone did to me me what I did to myself, I hate to say this, I would have killed them. If someone did to me what they did to others, I wouldn't kill them. And then I come in these rooms and you want me to pray? I thought God had been watching those three relationships with God, with self and with others. I was bankrupt. Like I said in the beginning, I was broken in those three areas. If you really look at the 12 steps by design, the steps remedy those three Three relationships. Steps 1 through 3, recreate and develop a relationship with God. Steps 4 through 7, recreate and develop an relationship with self. Steps 8 and 9, recreate and develop relationship with others. It's that simple. 10 maintains my relationship with Self. 11 maintains my relation with God and 12 through service maintains and develops my relationship with others So coming out of the steps I'm able to live in harmony in those basic fundamental relationships relationships. There was a great spiritual teacher. He was asked, what's the most important thing of all your teachings? He said, love God with all thy heart, love thy neighbor as thyself. And if God scares you out of these rooms, don't worry about it. If you're a real drunk, booze will scare you back in. We gotcha. Back to those two choices. I have to look at that truth in my life. In steps one through three, I give it up. Four through seven, I clean it up Eight and nine, I make it up Ten, eleven and twelve, I keep it up And as a product of that I'm able to navigate around the drama I'mable to match calamity with serenity I'mable to stay in fit spiritual condition I am able to reach back in my community and help another drunk. See, there's only three prayers in this life. One is God help me. It got most of us in this room tonight. One is, God give me. It's a big distraction. The prayer we never say is, God use me. And I thank you and the committee and everyone here for using me tonight to hopefully carry some message to maybe just one person. and I'll be forever indebted and grateful for that part of the word spiritual is ritual and I have to look at the simple unrelated things that I've been taught in Alcoholics Anonymous that have truly given me that freedom you know one of the oldest stories in AA and it's really an example how this works for me about a little 5 year old kid 5 yearold he wants to play with his dad the dad's an accountant he's trying to think of a way to occupy the little 5 year Old Boy So what the dad does is he grabs a map of the world. You know, National Geographic, they have those great world maps. Dad rips the map ofthe world up into 50 pieces. He gives his son some tape. He says to the little boy, I want you to put this map oftheworld back together and when you're done we'll play. And he's thinking it's going to take this little five-year-old an hour. Finally, some relief. Little five- year-old boy comes back in three minutes. He's got the whole map of theworld taped back together. It is perfect. The dad says, that's impossible. I'm 50. I couldn't do that. How did you do it? And the little boy says, you know, Dad, on the back of the map of the world, well, there was a picture of a man. I just put the man back together and the whole world fell into place. If you're new, that's the spiritual technology of Alcoholics Anonymous for me in my life. To rebuild the man one through three with God, four through seven with self through inventory Eight and nine with others through amends. And to maintain, develop, and grow in those three simple relationships. Ten with self, eleven with God, twelve with others. And through that process, you know, I've been given a freedom that I could have never, ever imagined. You know, people, I used to hear people say, I'm a grateful alcoholic. I want to throw up. up. But what I've come to understand about the disease of alcoholism is that this is the only disease when treated that leaves the sufferer in a better position than if they never had the disease. And I can only discover that through doing the work. Thank you for my life.