From Prison to the Promises, the Worst Night Opened the Door – Jane D.

Hi everyone. My name is Jane and I'm an alcoholic. It is an honor and a privilege to speak at an AA meeting, and I want to thank the committee for inviting me to come up to Canada. I've I've been to Niagara Falls before, but it was many, many, many years ago and it's changed a little bit since then. But it's beautiful and I'm really, really happy to be here. Oh, you can't hear? If I walk closer, is that better? Ah, okay, all right, good. Yeah, my story in the big book was as much a surprise to me as anyone else, but what, Student of Life was not my title. title. I called my story Ms. I Never, Student of Life SOL. That wasn't my choice. But the rest of it, they did not make many changes. It was very much what I wrote and I wrote it in about an hour. And it was sort of a cleansing process, sort of like you might do your fourth step. And then the next night after I wrote it, I read it over again, edited it a little bit and then sent it in. And I heard from them a few months before the new book was to come out, that my story was still under consideration. Could I make sure that my address was updated and everything? So for a few months, I was like, wow, oh my gosh, oh my Gosh, is this really going to happen? And I got a letter from the general service office and it was very, very thin. And I thought, well, if they're going to take my story, they'll probably send me a manuscript with changes, you know, redlined and I'll have to sign on each one. And it was so thin that I thought, okay, well, you know, that's not going to happen. And talk about keeping it simple. It was two pages. The first page was your story has been accepted. And the second page said sign it over. And that was it. And it was, to me, the program in action. And I was absolutely thrilled. And then I got terrified. Absolutely terrified. Oh my God, what's going to happen? I'm speaking at at conferences. But I called my sponsor at the time, and I said, I don't want to be put on a pedestal for this. This is where I'm appreciating the anonymity. I just want to be a normal member of the program. And she said, why would anyone put you on a pedestal? Because you write well? And I'm like, all right, yeah, okay, good. All right, fine. And that was the wet dish rag in the face that I needed. That was my mean sponsor I called her my main sponsor and she appreciated that she was from Akron and at that time had about 32 years of sobriety so after that it took its proper place it's a gift it's an absolute gift but my understanding of redoing the fourth redoing stories in the fourth edition was to reach out to more alcoholics and to reach more people and in other words they needed a story a a garden variety drunk, nothing special. They needed something that was common, common denominator that would reach the most people. And I'm very, very grateful that I was able to do that. So what it was like and what happened and what it's like now, I pretty much tell my story the way it's written in the book, to be honest with you. I didn't drink pretty, I nursed beers in high school. I would go to those parties where the keg was in the bathroom, the laundry room sink and the parents were out for the weekend and they were always raided by the police and we'd leave and that was it. But I didn't care for beer, so I never really drank it. It was when I got to college that I started drinking. I grew up in a very, very stable environment. My parents are still married, which I believe, I'm trying to calculate, is about 47 years. It'll be 48 years in December. And I have a sister that I get along with. I wish we were closer, but we get along. long, and very stable household. About as far away from dysfunction as you can imagine. It wasn't perfect. I would say what I struggled with the most was that my parents were very stoic. They were very calm. There wasn't a lot of joy in the house, but there was no anger either. And my parents were not comfortable with strong emotion. So I learned to really just push down my emotions and not really acknowledge them. That worked for my sister. She's fine. She is not an alcoholic. I said something earlier today that she has two wine coolers and starts singing. And that wasn't the way it was for me. And my parents are not alcoholics. My parents, they would have this bottle of Tanqueray in the freezer. And I can't tell you how many times I filled that with water and then kept drinking it and then replaced it and then filled it with water again. It must have been five or six times before I finally just got rid of it and they never noticed. They just are not drinkers. It just blew my mind. They do drink. It's not that they're teetotallers. They do drank. But at any rate, when I got to college, academically maybe I was ready for school, but emotionally I was not. I was really emotionally immature. Did not know how to make friends. Did not knew how to be comfortable in my own skin. Did not now where I wanted to go, what I wanted it to be when I grew up. None of that. When I drank alcohol for the first time, it was like the whole world changed. The lights went on in the dark room and in my story, there's one thing I would change in my history if I could. I say that it's like I was an unfinished jigsaw puzzle with one piece missing. Well, I was an unfinished Jigsaw Puzzle with a few pieces missing and when I drank they all just snapped into place effortlessly snapped into space and that's what alcohol did for me and the first night that I really drank I got drunk, and I blacked out, and I don't know how I got home. And that's how it started, and that's How It Kept Going, and it got worse from there. So my first morning, my first hangover, I'm like, oh my God, so this is a hangover. And I had to go to my first college class at 1.30 in the afternoon, and I woke up probably around 11.30. I got into the shower. I made it to the class, and the professor was a typical English professor professor, and he kept us the entire class, the entire hour and a half, and I was dying. I was so sick. When the bell finally rang, I burst out of the room into the bathroom right next door, into the first stall, and just threw everything up. And in that stall, I kid you not, I was thinking, this is fantastic. I am vomiting in the toilet thinking, I just have to learn how to do this right. I overdid it last night, I'm new at this, I just have to learn to do it." Because I found the answer, that was it. That was the answer that I had been looking for my whole life. When I drank, I felt like I knew what to do, I knew how to open my locker, I know what room to go to, I now what form to fill out. I never knew those things and everybody else did. And I didn't understand that. How come everyone else knows what to when I don't? What am I missing? But when I was drinking, I I knew everything, and if I didn't, I didn t care. It was the elixir of life for me. It just did it all. And I drank my way through college. I don t remember very much of it. There are people trying to friend me on Facebook that say they went to college with me. I m like, okay, yeah, I guess. And those really were, and I was I was on a campus, so I didn't have to drive anywhere and I didn t have any DUIs. And there was alcohol everywhere, literally everywhere. There were 17 fraternity houses on campus and as long as you were a student, male or female, you could go into the basement and tap a beer. So I learned to drink beer. I still didn't care for it but I learned because was free and accessible 24-7. So I learned to drink it. And that's what I did for four years. And I wound up on academic probation my first semester of sophomore year, which was quite a shock to me because I had always been on the honor roll in high school. I was a very boring kid in high schools. I went to a very large high school and just sort of blended in. I didn't really stand out. But when I was on academic probation, my response that was to change my major. It never occurred to me that normal drinkers wouldn't change their major to accommodate their drinking, but that's what I did. I changed my major so that I could drink and party the way I wanted to. That was the first turning point that alcohol caused for me. I got by, and I barely graduated because I almost flunked out of my accounting class but I put the pedal to the metal that last semester and got by with a C. So I did graduate, and that's when we come to the paragraph that Gary read. I was surrounding myself with heavy drinkers at school. So people would say to me, don't you think you're drinking a lot? Well, look at them. They're doing it too. Typical, and none of us have had it already done. But sure enough, they were getting jobs, which I couldn't understand. How come I can't get a job? It was a good economy. I graduated in a good economy, why can't I get a job? And so I took the first job that I was offered, which is a horrible job. Oh my gosh, horrible job! I sold anything that you could freeze, I sold it. It was food, frozen food. And I would write these orders and I'd be going around in a car all, you know, every for a week, all week, and I see different people. I wouldn't see the same customers until like every six months. So I'd wear the same thing every day all all week thinking that i was really getting over on the system and no dry cleaning bills and stuff like that and what i would do during the day is i'd pick up a fifth of whiskey and i put it under the car seat in front of me and just hearing it rolling around underneath while i'm driving was so comforting it was like those wave things that you use to sleep i could hear it rolling like oh oh, I can't wait. When I get home, I'm going to down that. And that's what I did. That's what I did for two years. I would come home. I was living with my parents because this job did not, it was like full commission so it didn't afford me the ability to live on my own. I lived with my parents in their attic which was refinished so it wasn't that bad and it was very steep. They lived in an old farmhouse and when I got sober I said, didn't I fall down the stairs or leave the dog out or something and they're like, no, we, they'd go to bed and I'd watch television until I passed out. I'd watched old Columbo reruns. Loved Columpo. And then, so as soon as they would have dinner, I'd get home around 2 o'clock in the afternoon so I could start drinking pretty soon. It starts in the morning. And then I'd just drink all afternoon, all evening until I pass out. And it got to the point that I was videotaping the Columfo reruns that I wasn't watching because I was blacking out the endings. And it never occurred to me that this wasn't normal. It never occurred to me there was a problem with this. And I was stashing bottles all over the house and I was doing, I had no friends. All my friends, I didn't have that many friends from high school, but they were gone even the ones that I had. College friends were off living their lives. They were getting married, they were working, they Were having kids and I Was really stuck in this rut and I'm thinking alright, what's going on here? How come, I wanted a job. That's what I thought the problem was. I need a real job so anyway my parents also I was just I was so hostile and I look back on some journaling I did in those days and it's it's like the diary of a madwoman I was so hostile, and I didn't realize it but I was inches away from getting thrown out and I couldn't afford to live on my own at all but my parents like I said they're not they're non-alcoholic so they didn't know what was wrong so to To them, they thought, let's just get her out of the house. They offered to help me financially if I wanted to go back to school. And I thought, that's it. Go back to the school. That'll fix everything. And so I did. I went to Illinois from Pennsylvania, and I had my geographical cure. And that worked for about 10 months. And I really had a great year there with that temporary geographical cure you are. I made a lot of friends, and when they try to friend me on Facebook, I know who they are. And I still see some of them, and I remember them, and I had a great year that first year. I remember what I learned. I remember some of the Big Ten football games, not the ones in the second year. But those were some great days. That was a great years. And then I started to slide back into my old path. I always drank. I was still drinking, don't get get me wrong. And I always had a half gallon of whiskey. Whiskey was my drink of choice. I just loved it. So I always had whiskey with me in my apartment and I was always drinking. But the blackout, I always blacked out when I was in college. I knew that if I started drinking, I was going to black out. That was going to happen and I had accepted that. But this year, I didn't black out as much. I'm like, oh, I'm all right because I was a little worried. I'm okay after all. But sure enough, after a year, it just started to happen all over again. I would start to, I could see it. I could the level of the whiskey bottles dropping more and more each night as I was consuming more and more. I just was getting back to my old amounts. And I had brought the Colombo videos with me to Illinois. So I was watching them again. Nothing was changing. Nothing changed. And I was only in a two-year program. So when I graduated, I went back to my parents' house because I couldn't get a job. and again I blamed it on not being able to get a job and I was back in my old bedroom back in the old house back with my family parents back with no job back with no friends nothing had changed I had graduated but nothing had change and I was so frustrated at this point I knew that my life sucked and I knew that I drank too much but I did never I could never made the connections between those two conditions I just couldn't see it and the thought of not drinking thinking, absolutely terrified me because that was the only thing that I knew that helped me to cope with life and to help me to be the strong person I thought I was. So I guess I graduated in May and then around August, I got a job with a local entrepreneur and this job, it also didn't pay anything. I couldn't move out on this job either but but it did get me out of the house, and it was a very challenging job. For some parts of it, I did really like. But I had to go to California for a trade show. The guy designed the ActiveX sportswear jewelry, the accessories that the snowboarders and the skiers wear, and he's pretty successful at doing it. It's a small business still, but we went to one of the trade shows in San Diego, go. And at this point, I was trying to stop drinking. I was really trying. I wasn't getting anywhere. I weren't being very successful but I was just trying. And I was very nervous on going on this trip because we were bringing in a guy from Hawaii that we knew who was our age. We were all in our mid-20s and I knew that my boss liked to get high on pot hot every afternoon, and I knew that this other guy was probably a party animal. So I was really nervous. I wanted not to drink. I didn't want to drink, but I was still struggling with it. We go to California, and the first night I got there, it was hard, but we went to an Italian restaurant, and we didn't drink. And the next morning, Saturday morning, that That was the day that changed my life. Changed my life forever, I hope. Mike was the sales rep and he was in a really bad place. He was not a happy camper that morning. He was having trouble with one couple writing an order and I thought that that was his problem. So I asked him about it. I said, are you doing all right? And he just said, no, it's nothing to do with that. He said, well, this week has been a bad week. I got kicked out of my apartment. I lost my job. I dropped out of school, and my girlfriend left me. I'm like, wow. And he said, I'm an alcoholic, and I've been sober for a year and a half, and I just drank again this past week, and I'm miserable. And right then in my head, I heard the word now. And it was loud, and it was clear. And I knew it meant say something now. And I did. I said, Mike, I think I'm one too. too. And he turned around and he said, you're kidding. We just started talking. I had done a lot of research on alcoholism because I wanted to fix this. I went to the library and took out eight books. I knew all about alcoholism, the disease, and AA. Knowledge would fix it. It didn't. I was, again, frustrated. So I knew some of the jargon. I So I talked to him a little bit about it. I was talking to Mike in the booth, and he said, Well, I'm going to a meeting tonight. Why don't you come with me? And I said, Well, you know, I don't know if I really need AA. You know, you haven't hit bottom yet. And that's when he said、Well, do you know what they say? And I'm like、No, I really don't Know what they Say. And he said،Your bottom is when you stop digging. And I was like、All right. Someone later, many years later, told me that But where I was mentally at that time, I thought I had a mild case of severe alcoholism and didn't really belong in the rooms of AA. Because I'd like people to tell me how to drink properly. And I've heard that before. Many people come into these rooms hoping to be taught to drink properly. And I did know that that wasn't the case. I knew AA was about, all right, giving this up. And I wasn't sure I was ready for that. And I didn't want to fail. I didn' t want to come in and fail. But he took me to my first meeting. He took me to my three meetings, actually. And the second meeting is the one that really clinched my desire to stay sober. The first meeting was big. It was like this one. It was just a regular meeting. It wasn't a conference or an anniversary or anything. And that was inspiring. And it was the first time I got up and said, my name is Jane and I'm an alcoholic. But it was a second meeting. It's been so long I'm trying to remember. I would say about 30 to 40 people were there, but the room was small. And there was a microphone and podium. And I stood up and introduced myself because the chairperson wanted to know who was from out of town and we're still in San Diego. And so this is a meeting where they called on you. You didn't raise your hand. They called on me. And he called on my name. I'm like, oh, my God. You can't do that. This is only my second meeting. And I could feel Mike go like, go, go. So I'm getting up. I go up to the microphone and the podium. I have no idea what I'm going to say. But what I did was I just talked about how I got there. I told them just what I told you, the shorter version, as far as how I met up with Mike and how we got to the meeting. And for the first time, I looked out at everybody while I was talking, and I can't describe adequately what I saw in their faces. it was love and it was hope and it was joy in their faces and I really thought while I'm up there talking I'm thinking this is it this is it it's not the toilet and throwing up and the alcohol you know where I thought that that was the answer this is it and I can't even I was so just relief absolute relief just flooded through me and I sat down and I thought and I knew I knew I had hit a turning point. And I also knew that it was a gift. I knew that that was a gift, that I had been handed a spiritual awakening and that that wasn't a gift or a spiritual experience. And I didn't know the terminology, I didn' t know all the jargon, but I knew that I hadn' t been given a gift and every day, literally every day when I get up in the morning and I pray, that's what I pray for, to not turn my back on that gift and to not give it back and to always, always appreciate it and be grateful for it. So Mike and I Then I did one more meeting the next day and when I went back to Pennsylvania, I broke down with my mom and I'm like, I'm an alcoholic and this is what's going to happen. And I threw myself into AA, 90 meetings in 90 days, I got a sponsor right away. I took commitments, I did coffee, I didn't do GSO that was when I didn t get to but I I did all the other ones that my time would allow. And when I got enough time, I was doing it. And I just... I was on the pink cloud the first year. Oh, my gosh. To not be drinking. And I hadn't gotten married. I didn't have any kids. Because no one would come near me when I was drinking. I was so angry. I mean, not for more than one night. It was just... I was just so... And that's what I couldn't understand. I was such an angry drunk. And so I didn' t have those things to lose. And that was very, that kept me out there for a while. I'm like, I haven't lost my family. I haven' t lost my spouse. I didn' t have one. But I didn't connect. I didn''t make that connection. I didn ''t lose my mortgage or my house and I didn'T have one and I never figured that out until I got sober. You didn' T have it to lose. So when I got back, it was great. I was 26 years old and I was making new friends and there were some, And I know these are controversial, but there were some clubs downtown in Philadelphia that didn't serve alcohol. They were completely dry and they were clubs. And they've since closed. But that was one of the things that I did. And I don't necessarily recommend that. But I met a lot of people that way and got to know a lot OF people. And I made a lot Of friends in that early year of sobriety. Then at 14 months sober, I met my husband. and when they say getting involved in a relationship is like throwing Miracle-Gro on your character defects. That's what happened. That is what happened, holy cow. That's when the roller coaster started for me. That's where I was born. That's that's when the emotional pain started for my that's why I had to start dealing with my issues and I was stuffing with the alcohol and I can't believe we're still together today I can believe we are married I can not believe we were still together I wish he was here but he wasn't able to come. It was a ride, it was quite a ride. But both of us had a lot to learn and both of use were very committed to our programs. We did separate meetings. We didn't entangle our sponsors or anything like that. We didn t do a husband and wife sponsor or we kept them very separate. And we focused on working on ourselves, at least least I did. By working on ourselves, we always encouraged the other to just keep it separate but keep going up and keep going forward. It was not easy, but I'm happy to report 1993 is when we started dating. Today we have a daughter. Absolute joy in my life that these These were all the things that other people had, that normal people had. A house, a spouse, kids. And I know those aren't all... I always looked at that out there and thought, you know, that's so awesome what they have. And I knew people struggle with those things today. That it's not... I was looking at that thinking that everything... Everyone else had everything perfect and was doing everything perfectly. And I certainly struggle today still. But... So in the beginning, let me get back to when we got together. the first few years were tough but again we kept working our programs and I worked through the steps with my sponsor and this is the point when I'm telling my story that I always feel like I can't do AA justice I never can do justice to what I've received from this program it's just beyond my wildest dreams if you told me 18 years ago that I would be here and would not have picked up a drink drink in 18 years. If you tell my friends who saw me in college that I was not going to pick up a drink for 18 years, they wouldn't believe you and I wouldn't either. What I have today is beyond my wildest dreams. I would have limited myself if I had done it my way and gotten everything that I thought I wanted or that I needed. I needed. I have an awesome relationship with my husband, I have a beautiful little girl, I have everything material that I need, but I try to explain in my story that material needs are not the indication of sobriety. I know a lot of people who have material things that aren't sober and happy. But I have in me what I never had that made me struggle struggle so much and made me turn to alcohol for the answer. I know who I am, I know what's important to me, I now what my boundaries are, what my values are, I knew my goals and my dreams and I know how to nurture them and validate them. I now how to make friends today and I now know how keep those friends today as opposed to alienating them or just losing losing them forever or not paying attention. I know what to do today, and that's only from this program. My life did not come with an instruction book, and I'm sure a lot of us feel that way. And to me, this program are the instructions for me. And I never, ever wanted anything to do with organized religion, but I didn't understand how to have a higher power work in my life. And I've learned how to do that today. And I don't do it perfectly. and if there is one thing that I could really vastly improve on in this program that's what I would really want to improve on is my conscious contact with my higher power I chaired a meeting last night on step 11 and when I was done listening to myself talking about how I used my higher powers that day oh my gosh it was like the Bushley pinch hitter after all these years I've used your higher power out use for everything but the big things I'm looking at these little things and that was an awakening for me because it was somebody with less than a year of sobriety that was talking about her struggles and what she's doing and how she's relying on her higher power to get through these things like that that for me shouldn't change it should always be a conscious contact with my higher power to help me navigate and and and be of service and be the best person that I can be and AA has given me the tools to do that if I choose to pick them up so I want to thank everyone very very much for being here because I hope I've helped someone tonight but I knew that I got another 24 hours out of this and I'm very very grateful for that so thank you