Found Every Must in the First 164 Pages and Realized He’d Been Faking Step 3 for Twenty Years – Ken W.

All right, good evening, everyone. Let's have an AA meeting. My name is Lindsay, and I'm an alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday night Blue Chip Speakers meeting at the Nava Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language, from their own point of view, the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope that no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aabluchipspeakers.org, desperately in need, will hear our speaker, and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I am one of them, too. I must have this thing. Now I'm going to introduce the speaker. I've been trying to think. I don't know what I was going to say all day, but there's nothing really good enough. I would like to introduce Ken. He's a really good friend of mine, and I'm so glad that he is, and I want to hear what he has to say, so y'all can go on if you'd like. I'm Ken. I'm an alcoholic. So I'm Ken. I'm an alcoholic person. I want to qualify myself. My sobriety date is April the 16th, 2018. Yeah, so almost four and a half years. So I'm going to start off with, you know, basically how it was when I first started off, what happened, and what it's like now. I was born right here in Atlanta, Georgia, at Greater Memorial Hospital, and I grew up actually like 15 minutes away from the little city called Scottsdale, Georgia. I was born into a family that basically everybody in my family used or drunk in some form or way, but it wasn't early on in my childhood. It wasn't like a real bad childhood. My mother was in the military, so she left me with my grandfather. My dad, he was in and out of addiction, so I never really got to know him too good, but I was able to get to know his brothers and sisters and all. So growing up, I always felt like since my mom wasn't there, I stayed with my grandmother. My father wasn't there. I really never fit in anywhere. We moved around a lot because my mom ended up coming in, and she moved us, and I went to school here at Bronsonville Elementary, and going to school, I always knew something was different. When I started school, I was one of those so-called smart kids. I was too smart to hang with the cool kids. We were too dumb to hang with the smart kids, if you get what I'm saying, so I never fit in. And then amongst that, based on being in the military family, we moved around a lot. Ended up going to Germany, stayed in Germany two and a half years, and the whole time I was over there, I never fit in. I took accelerated classes and all that, so I was always one of the child that get picked on, you know. When you go to the recess, you're too smart, so they picked on the nerds. You know what I'm saying? And so stayed over there, got picked on, end up doing my best to tell my folks to bring, send me back home, and we ended up getting sent home. Me and my older sister, we ended up getting sent home early, and I came back to Georgia. And when I came back to Georgia, based on me not really knowing my family members, not really knowing anybody, it was the same situation. I never felt like I fit in. Ended up getting into some troubles in the fourth grade, middle school, ended up getting sent to alternative school in the fourth grade. But lo and behold, the alternative school was right across the street from my family house. And you know what the family house does. You know, at the family house, everybody's over there getting drunk, everybody's over there participating in some kind of substance. So I can remember during recess and during PE, I'd go home, and I had a cousin that introduced me to marijuana. And once I got into that, you know, I was like, okay, I fit in now. You know what I'm saying? I get that. You know, you get that sense of ease and comfort when you got something. You can be the, you can laugh, you can joke, and you feel like you fit in. And I knew right then and there that I've arrived, and no matter where I go to, as long as I can get me some weed, I can survive. You know, and in the process of doing all that, I got introduced to alcohol. The neighborhood where I'm from, everybody believed in drinking Blue Bulls, so they smoked liquor. So, yes, that. So, you know, fourth, fifth grade and all that, everybody used to go get the suitcases. So every day we'd go get suitcases of Bulls. So I'm at school dead drunk. So, of course, I get kicked out of alternative school at the same, at that time, as well. Going on, so my whole life never fit in, going in and out of this. Same old thing, getting drunk, getting high school, and off at an early age. I was still, was able to make it in school because every last one of my tests, I would ace. So I was able to stay in school because I was so smart, I could just ace the test. I never got really kicked out until I started. So, you know, that's how it is. So, you know, that's how it is. So, you know, that's how it is. So, you know, that's how it is. So, you know, that's how it is. Like I said, I couldn't hang with the smart kids. I couldn't hang with the slow kids. Ended up getting, you know, so I ended up getting involved with a lot of gang activities and skipping school and all of that. You know, doing recess, going P.E., going to get high, getting drunk, and end up home. I can remember getting put out of middle school again. Got put out of middle school for gang related activities. They shipped me back down south because at this time, my mom, she shipped me back down south because my mom was in the middle school. She shipped me back down south because at this time, my mom, she shipped me back down south. stayed outside in South Georgia. So they ended up shipping me down to South Georgia, and my mom, as I said, she's still in that addiction. So now I'm four hours away from any family that I know. Down here, my mom's in that addiction. We don't know what we're doing, so I'm in school, and one morning I wake up, my mom, something told me to get up, and now I know it was God. Get up, use the butter knife. You know how Project Doors is. Use the butter knife to kick in. Use the butter knife and figure out, as I say, my mom asked for the rest. Yeah. And at the same time, this was in the seventh grade, at the same time I had just caught a charge because I was selling weed in school. So, yeah, you know what I'm saying. So at the same time I caught a charge, I got caught this morning, and my mom was getting wheeled out of the projects on a stretcher. So now we're down, me and my sister, and I have a younger sister at this time now, so me and my two sisters. We four of us with many family moments, don't have no phone, don't know how to call, didn't get in touch with nobody. So me being me, think I'm big and bad, call myself still, trying to sell some drugs and stuff, and call myself, I'm going to be the man of the house. We all know that didn't work out. Stayed down there for about two weeks before any of my family members even realized my mom was in the hospital. They came down there, they swooped in, they caught themselves saving us. Me, of course, I get back up to the Georgia. I'm back with my family. I don't want to listen to them. And y'all got to say, I'm going to go to the other side of the tracks. You know, we all know how this story goes. So I'm in and out of use, and in and out of getting drunk, in and out of jail, as a young age. By the time I was 17 years old, I had already been in juvenile prison three times. I'd already been into my first treatment center. It got to the point I was on house arrest at 17 years old. At this time, my mom ended up getting clean. She ended up calling my probation officer. I said, I can't do nothing with them. Probation officer called me up. I said, I think I'm going back to jail. And if you're a ward of the state, they take the ankle mount off of me and set me free. Why in the hell did they do that? From then on, I thought I was untouchable. Running the streets. Like I stated, I was in South Georgia, so I'm running the streets, going up and down the highway, up and down the highway, living that lifestyle, and ended up catching the traffic in charge and ended up going four years in prison. I didn't think that would be enough. It wasn't. Get out of prison, called myself going to treatment. When I got out of prison, I called myself going to work on a 12-step program. So I was, I ain't going to say I was in surprise. I was abstinent for six years. When I got out of prison, I did two years in this other fellowship, GSR, running meetings, chairing on the area level. But the only thing that it didn't do, I wasn't ever working on myself. You know what I'm saying? I knew I had a problem. I knew that I couldn't do alcohol, I couldn't do drugs, but I never realized that I was a problem. So I was a poster child of this program, but I was still living that lifestyle. I'm chairing meetings, and as soon as I leave the meeting, I'm going across the street selling some drugs. You know what I'm saying? Doing all this, and because on the outside, I'm a very smart individual. I'm like a chameleon. I can have you think who I am, whoever I want you to believe I am. People are drawn to me for some odd reason. I don't know why people like me to this day. And it ended up somewhere along the way, after I get out of prison, after I do this, like I said, I had six years of abstinence. Still living that lifestyle, you know, the drug, the alcohol don't kill you, the lifestyle. I didn't realize at this time that I had something that was missing. I didn't realize that, you know, this is a program that's, this disease is spiritual in nature. I didn't know that at this time. I always thought that I could fix me. I'm not going to end up like my mom. I'm not going to end up like my dad. I'm going to do this. I'm going to show y'all how to get high and still live. You know, I'm going to show you how to get drunk and still go to work and all that. So one day, I'm working on a car, because by this time, I always was able to keep a job, and I was always able to do stuff for six months at a time, maybe a year, and then, you know, I give it all away. Amongst all this time, I ended up being able to open up a paint and body shop, because that was my first job. I was able to do a lot of things. I was able to do a lot of things. I was able to do a lot of things. I was able to do a lot of things. I was able to do a lot of things. I was able to do a lot of things. I was able to do a lot of things. I was able to do a lot of things. I was able to do a lot of things. I was able to do a lot of things. I was able to do a lot of things. I was able to do a lot of things. I was able to do a lot of things. I was able to do a lot of things. I was able to do a lot of things. I was able to do a lot of things. I was able to do a lot of things. I was able to do a lot of things. I was able to do a lot of things. I was able to do a lot of things. I was able to do a lot of things. I was able to do a lot of things. I was able We hear some sirens and all this, you know, high speed police chasing. My brother ended up getting shot by the police. Three of them get shot, go down there, he dies on my arm. And at his time, like I stated, I was abstinent at this time. And I didn't have any defense against him. He died on my arm, they took him out of my arms, and I went straight to the dope man, which sent me off on another bender for about two or three years. In the process of that, one day I made it home some kind of way. Don't know how, don't know where I was the night before. Woke up on the porch, and my son was looking at me, and he was like, my son told me, you're not my dad. Some kind of way, that was that moment of clarity that I needed. Because as I stated, I've been in and out of treatments, in and out of programs, in and out of... All times that I opened up recovery places and closed them down. And for some reason, I had that moment of clarity that when he told me that, it was like, enough is enough. I was tired of just continually trying to do things my way. Continually trying to prove to people that I can get drunk and get high and live. And I made a decision. Now, like I said, I knew all about the 12 steps. I knew all about recovery, but I never internalized it. You know what I'm saying? I knew that I was an addict. I knew I was an alcoholic, but I didn't internalize it. On the outside, I could tell you, yeah, I got a problem, but hey, I'm not willing to do anything about it. At that moment in time, I was willing to do stuff about it. Because at this time, I was 35 years old. I was tired of living that way. It was to the point where I was like, I'm either going to do this and find some help, or I just don't want to live anymore. Because I can't let my son see me go the way I was going. Now, true enough, all those times, I didn't get it clean for myself. It was a forced thing. And this time, from the beginning, it was a force, because I did it for my son. But it turned around, and I had to do it for myself, because I wouldn't do it for myself. I wouldn't have him anyway. Made a phone call. Went to this 30-day treatment, the same 30-day treatment I had been going in and out of for the last 20 years. They called me, what you want, Ken? It's crazy how, it's so crazy how you know we get comfortable with things. And I was one of those guys that I was comfortable living in treatment centers. You know what I'm saying? I was comfortable going to detoxes. I was comfortable with these programs, the Phoenix program. They knew my name. You know what I'm saying? Y'all got a bed? What you want, Woods? I need a couple of days. Come on back. You know, in and out, in and out, in and out. And I went to this program. It was a six-month treatment center called Hilltop. The doctor consistently went there. Because I knew I could go in there and do what I wanted to do. I could go in there and I could fool them and trick them. Go to work. Pay them a little weekly rent. But I wasn't going to work on myself. And this time they told me, we're not sending you back to Hilltop. You got to do something else. You know what I'm saying? Like, you've been here four times. You've opened it up and shut it down. We're not sending you back. That's not what you're going to do. And I heard about this program there. I went through recently. And I'm like, I'm not going there. I don't want that much money. Now I won't name a this, that, and the other. And I'm not going back to those. So I ended up having to go. Because when I got out of the crisis, I didn't have nowhere else to go. And I got there. They shipped me back home to Atlanta. And at that time, I was like, I have to do something different. You know, that's when I finally opened my heart and my mind. Like, if I continue going the way I go, ain't nothing going to happen but me dead. I'm just like my brother. My mom don't need to go through that. Came up to Atlanta. Started working. Started going to some meetings. Like I stated, when I first got up there, I did not do everything like I was supposed to do. The bare minimum. That's one of my witnesses right there. I did the same thing I did when I was working in the NA program. Going to meetings. Showing up at the meetings. Building a network. I actually did build a network. Because at the end of the day, somewhere in the back of my mind, like, you're going to need these folks one day. You know, was doing all that. Made some decisions that wasn't conducive to recovery. Still suffered for my first year and a half. This time here, I suffered horribly. Based on me. Based on me trying to run my life. Like I stated, the whole time I never felt like there was something outside of me that was going to fix me. It was still self-will run riot. I was going to figure out a way. But it came to a time I got fired from a couple of jobs. I realized, like, something ain't right. What is it? I stopped calling my sponsor. And working about 2020, I was feeling miserable. I was sober. But I was feeling miserable. And I made a post. And I told some people. And I talked to some people. And I was like, man, I feel like I'm empty. You know what I'm saying? I came forth from the empty cup. How can I continue to call myself working in recovery if I ain't working to recover myself? Am I going to work? Am I going to work? Am I going to work? My sponsor called me. He told me, officer, are you ready? I'm like, what do you mean? He said, officer, are you ready? I'm like, yeah, I'm ready. He said, all right, pick up the big book. Picked up the big book. Because at this time, I had to move to Charlotte. I ended up coming back to Atlanta. I built my sponsor today. After I got down here, we proceeded to go through the big book. First assignment I had to do was find all the musts in the big book. In the first hundred and four pages. Then I did some work. I'm like, man, I didn't want to go to school. I did all this. But it taught me discipline. It asked me if I wanted to do what it takes. Am I going to do whatever it takes for me to stay painless open? I started doing that. We ended up going through the step working process. I was a one, two, three shuffle type of guy at first. Actually, a one, two type of guy. I never did do three. . I was not making that decision, I just booked on making a decision, you know what I'm saying? No, I ain't turning them out. But it ended up I had to make that decision to turn my will and my life over to a pair of guards. And with that, things slowly started getting better. Eventually things slowly started getting better, but I'm still caught up in self. Still trying to do things my way, still not taking a lot of suggestions. And lo and behold, fast forward, I went through another trying situation, calls by myself, and I realized that, you know, I figured out what was missing. And I went to a meeting, and it was a 30-step meeting, you know. And I figured out what was wrong. And it was me still trying to run the show, still trying to be the actor that wants to run the show. And then I got to the point where I started going to a church. I found me a church. And when I went to the church, and the pastor of that church was like, he spoke to me. He was like, there's a lot of people that are here to recover. And I'm willing to sit here and do what one needs to do to help them. You know what I'm saying? And I realized, like, that's the whole thing that's missing. Because this whole time, out of my whole story, I never did, I never said anything about God, nothing about the spiritual aspect of this program. And I realized that's what I needed. So I decided to finally turn it over. It was hard to let go, but I promise you it was well worth it. And ever since then, my life has gotten a lot better. So much better. Every now and then, I still have to call in some people and run some stuff by some people. I'm thinking about doing this. No, you ain't. Don't do it. Sit down. And, you know, now I have a job that I work in recovery. And that was another one of my things that was hurtful for me because it was hard for me to be able to work in recovery and live in recovery at the same time because I couldn't find that balance. I was just struggling to type as long as I'm helping somebody and I'm showing them the big book and I'm talking them through this that it was going to help keep me clean and keep me sober. And that's not right. That's definitely not it. The program that I was at was not the program with Alcoholics Anonymous. It was a program that showed me how to get in touch with some people in Alcoholics Anonymous. And it showed, it brought me to the tools I needed to live. And I finally figured out how to get that balance. And ever since then. Ever since then, things have been pretty good. And I stand here today. That's my story. I'm sorry. I can't say that. You were not lying. It was great, though. You just weren't lying. It's okay. Okay. Alex is going to give out the chip. I'm going to give out the chip. Hi, I'm Alex. I'm an alcoholic. And we have a chip system here at Blue Chips Cougar Mutants to denote our time in sobriety. So we're going to start with the white chip for anybody coming in. Anybody want to start your way of life? Come on. A chip for 90 days. And then we have the yellow chip for six months. Six months? Okay. Green chip for nine months. And then we have the blue chip for a year or more. Alcoholic addict. This is for this lady right here. I don't think she realizes what an impact she's been on me and my recovery. And how much she helped me. In the very beginning. She came into my life a little over four years ago. Back when I might have been a little sober. I'm a little resistant to the program of AA. And she took me under her wing. And she showed me that not only is it necessary to get involved in AA, but it can be fun as well. And she just showed me a whole different side of it. And I don't think she realizes this. But between her and my sponsor, these are the two people that I thank so much for helping me. And I just want to say thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And she's my sponsor. Yes. And she's my sponsor. These are the two people I thank so much. Ba haw. And then, you know, she left out of my life for a little bit. And then she came back. And then she left. And then she came back. And then she came back, but it was fine. What was important was she came back, and every time she came back she just had the same spirit, the same energy when it came to AA, was so willing just to help anyone that she came in contact with, and to be positive. Just be positive all the time. I hope to live with that every year. I am very, very proud to give you this tip. And I love you so very much. The best year that I've ever picked up where me and God are picking it up together. And that's, like, the biggest, like, if I could have one thing that, like, helped me, like, that's it. Like, I just was, like Jennifer said, in and out, in and out, in and out. She let me come back every single time. But, like, I was just really desperate enough to, like, do the work to get connected to God, like, what I wasn't willing to do before. Because I thought it would just never happen to me. Like, I've picked up years before. But, like, it was, this one was just so different. And today I'm willing to, like, still do those things and still pray and still call my sponsor. And I do have fun in recovery. Like, me and my friends, we go out and we do things. Like, and it is fun. And it's really important for me to have fun in recovery. Because, like, I didn't get sober to sit around and do fucking nothing. Like, so, yeah. God. And my network. So, thanks. Okay. And then I'm going to offer the white chip one more time. Because it is important. That's it. Thank you, one and all, for joining the blue chip speaker meeting tonight.