Five Months Sober and Wouldn’t Touch the Fourth Step — Three Blackouts Later She Finally Wrote It – Susan W.

Y'all ready to have a meeting? Let's have one. My name is Megan and I'm an alcoholic. Hey Megan. Welcome to the Monday night Blue Chip Speakers meeting at the NABBA Club, where a member of Alcoholic Anonymous with one or more of sobriety tells his or her story. This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our own personal story is describing their own language and from their own point of view, the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider those self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening on aabluchipspeakers.org desperately in need will hear our speaker and we believe that is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I'm one of them. I must have this thing. Now, I will introduce you to Ms. Susan. Three fun facts about her. She's Abby's Grand Sponsor. Her home group is the 545 NABBA meeting on Monday. Here she is. Hi, I'm Susan. I'm an alcoholic. It's good to be here tonight. I want to thank Lisa for asking me to speak tonight. It's good to see everyone. I'm proud here. You know what? I love to see how all y'all came in and y'all, you know, with Lisa and Tim not being here, y'all all kind of pulled together and pulled this thing off and everybody chipped in. It's great to see all that happen. Looks like there's a lot of good friendships in here. I was just paying attention. And so with AA, that's what I found here. So my sobriety date is February 10th. February 28th, 2010. And I got sober in Henry County in McDonough. And I moved to this area in 2017. So I was I have the same sponsor that I've always had. After I moved to this area, I did have a service sponsor that helped me for a little while. And with other things, just, you know, when you make a big move like that, a lot of things change. So but I grew up in Hapeville, right outside of the airport, that area. My parents were dating. They got pregnant with me. And my dad adopted my brother and my sister from my mother's first husband. So I do, my parents told me that, you know, I would only sleep for like four hours at a time. And so I was probably restless and discontent even as a little, you know, as an infant. I wanted to be where everyone else was. I had an older brother, older brother and sister. So to keep up with them, I was really active. I learned how to crawl early. And then I could also climb. I could, you know, get anywhere I wanted to get. I actually had to put a piece of plywood over my crib. I mean, this was in 19, you know, 1970, so they don't have all the, you know, nice things that we have now to keep kids safe. But that way when I woke up, you know, I couldn't climb out of my crib because that's what I would do. We live close to South Fulton Hospital. And so they knew my name and they knew my parents by, you know, the age of two. And I learned how to walk when I was seven months old. And so my grandparents, you know, they were always afraid to watch me because I was quiet and I was sneaky. And, you know, I could, you know, pretty much get anywhere I needed to go quietly and get into things that I shouldn't get into. So my parents divorced when I was two years old. And my dad, he stayed in the house that we lived in in Haightville. And then my mom and my brother and sister and I, we moved. I don't remember, you know, a whole lot about, you know, spending time with my mother. I don't know why. I don't have very many memories of that. But, you know, my brother and my sister have shared that, you know, not long after we moved out of my dad's house. She met my stepdad. And I don't remember anything about him. I do know that he owned a liquor store. And he and my mother were heavy drinkers. There was a lot of violence in that house. Even with, you know, guns and those kind of things. With, you know, my brother and sister. You know, they were on the stairs at times and watching this happen to my mother. My brother and my sister protected me a lot. I do know that that happened all through my childhood. So with my mom, she did divorce Tony. And we moved. We moved. We would, you know, live in apartments for a little while. We've lived in trailer parks and usually around the Jonesboro area, Riverdale. So that's when I lived with my mom, you know, full-time. My dad was always real active in my life. So he would, like, pick me up. I went to kindergarten. And, you know, you only went half a day, like three days a week. But my dad was the one that would pick me up from that. And we would go eat at, like, Denny's or Chick-fil-A. So I do have those memories. And my mom, my mom was a bartender. So she worked at night. So I think maybe during the day, I always had some kind of babysitter. Maybe that's why I don't have a whole lot of memories with my mother. And so my brother and my sister, they started, you know, drinking and doing drugs maybe when I was around eight years old. And my mom would let my sister babysit. We lived in, you know, apartments at this time. I can remember, you know, the smell of pot. And they would let me drink beer. You know, with them, if I would, you know, just be sure not to tell dad or my mom. So I started drinking a little bit then. And not much. I don't ever remember them letting me get drunk or anything like that, but probably more than an eight or nine-year-old should. And my dad, he always spent good quality time with me. But my dad was an alcoholic. We were always, I mean, but when we went to his house, we had breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And he made all that. I know that he drank rum and Coke, but I don't ever remember him getting real drunk when I was with him. So I was 11 years old when my dad, well, I was 10 when my dad came into the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. So he was at work and he had a mental breakdown and they took him straight to the hospital. So I remember not seeing my dad for 30 days and that, you know, my mom explained exactly what was happening with him and when I would see him. So he lived in Haightville, so he got sober at the terror club. And I started going to Alateen with him and there was always a lot of fun around AA. Big birthday celebrations, big cakes. With Alateen, you got to run around and have fun. I made a lot of good friends there. I do remember having Alateen, maybe it was a sponsor, but she would, you know, talk to us about our parents' addiction or alcoholism. My mom, you know, she did drink and she did drugs. My dad just drank. And so anyways, so in the 80s when people were trying to get sober, they didn't have, you know, detox centers. You couldn't really just walk into one and have someone clinically detox you every time. So my dad had gin and vodka underneath his kitchen sink. It was clear and it was not rum, but that's what he had drank. So I was going to the skating rink one night and me and my friends, we decided we were going to, you know, get drunk at the skating rink. And my dad was going to an AA meeting, so I took his gin and his vodka, mixed it up with some orange juice, and I got caught at the skating rink drunk. So my dad came to pick me up after leaving his AA meeting. And, you know, that's when everything came out about what was happening at my mom's house. And there was, you know, I had already, you know, started drinking a little bit then. And my dad wanted custody of me. He had had one year sober when this happened. He probably wasn't quite ready for me, but my mom didn't argue and she let me go with my dad. And I could still, you know, of course I still went to see my mom, but when I did, my brother and sister, they were still, you know, teenagers and had a lot of freedom and those kind of things. My dad could not go back to work. He was an air traffic controller. And once you have a nervous breakdown, you know, usually they're not going to let someone control air traffic any longer. So he was on disability and could not go back to work. But his family lived in Hoax Bluff, Alabama. That's where he wanted to go. And so we moved to Hoax Bluff. And then I mean, I had he built a house on the river. It was a beautiful log house. He took care of me. He taught me how, he had already, you know, been working with me on cooking and cleaning. We always had good meals when we were with him, but that's where it started happening. I learned how to cook and clean and you know, take care of a yard and, you know, he drove me to and from school. I didn't have to get myself up. He got me up. And so it was a big adjustment, you know, having my dad compared to my sister and my brother. Taking care of me and staying in the same house. You know, and his family they were, you know, they went to church a lot so I did get to go to church with them. And my mom's side of the family, you know, I know that my mom's mom she was a bartender, but I know that she prayed and, you know, she was a big influence in my life. So, you know, I could, when I came back from to visit, you know, my mom, we always made sure that we were at my grandmother's and she would do the grandmother type stuff, you know, like make peanut brittle and, you know, everybody was really good to me. And then when I was maybe 14, 13, 14, spending the night with girlfriends, you know, I already knew how to go into, you know, a convenience store and you could get, you know, a Boone's Farm or Mad Dog or whatever was on the shelf and, you know, we could we could, well, I sold alcohol from convenience stores and so it didn't take me long and, you know, I got into some trouble when I was 15 and, you know, there was some things that got out that you know, I had a lot of shame and guilt over and my dad understood it and I wanted to you know, I wanted to move back with my mother. My mom at that time she had moved to Haightville. She was managing a bar there and my sister she had already, she was you know, a full-blown drug addict, you know, cocaine, meth, just, I think then it was crank and not meth. I'm not sure what you know, what it was but anyways, it was yellow and it was speed. So she was already out of the house. She had moved out when she was younger and so it was just my brother there and he was he was 18. He was getting into a lot of trouble but the fun thing about my brother Brian is, you know, he knew how to have a good time so here I'm 15 years old. I'm moving back in and I didn't have a room at my mother's house. She had a two bedroom house. My brother got to keep his room and my room was on a porch. You know, it had the windows that just kind of rolled out and I slept on a chase you know, one of those you know, a chase lounge and until we could, you know until my brother moved out. That's where that was my bedroom but my brother's friends, they all partied. Haightville was a drug infested town. I was 15 years old. My brother was good looking and you know, immediately all the late, all the girls wanted to be my friend, so I got connected real quick and you know, we hung out in a park. There was, you know, always alcohol. My mom worked until you know three and four o'clock in the morning and my brother and I had a lot of freedom. So, that's kind of how things went. My brother went into the Navy when he was 19 and so it was just me and my mom. So, that's kind of how things went. My brother went into the navy when he was 19 and so it was just me and my mom. And my mom and I, we did not get along, and I was maybe 16 when, you know, she wanted me to start paying rent. I worked. I worked at Eckers, and so that lasted until I was probably about 17, and I realized we didn't get along. I didn't want to clean up after her. I was buying my own food. I was paying her rent. And so my dad, I told my dad I was moving out. I just couldn't live with her anymore. And I was going into my senior year of high school, and I rented a room from my friend Kim's grandmother. I had a bedroom. We shared a kitchen. I had my own bathroom, and there was like a little living area that I could, you know, hang out and watch TV in. So she had a living room, and I had a living room. And so by the time I was 17, I had been taken to the hospital for alcohol poisoning. There were a lot of drugs around. I was, you know, I don't know how I graduated high school, but I did. And when I graduated high school, drugs are in my story. There was always, I was always drinking, but I was strung out on cocaine and crane. And, you know, doing a lot of acid and things like that. No supervision. It was crazy. But I had a lot of friends that cared for me. You know, their parents, you know, no one could come to my house because my house was a party house, or my mom's had been the party house. And so, but, you know, my friends loved me anyway. And my friends. And my friend Kim, the girl that I rented the room from, from her grandmother, when we were on our senior trip in Florida, she said, Susan, you've got to call your dad because you're going to die. You know, I was doing just tons of cocaine and, you know, everything. My face was messed up. You know, nosebleeds were horrible. And I was just skin and bones. And so I called my dad from Panama City. And he said, yes, come live with me. And at that time, he had a lot of time in sobriety. And, you know, he just had to watch me just kind of spin out. There was nothing he could do. You know, just everybody has their own path. And he knew which one I was on. It's hard to hide. But when I got there, you know, I moved back in. And, you know, before I had moved out, my dad had built me this room. And, you know, I mean, I had... It was lavender. I had my own bathroom. I had a walk-in closet. So walking back into that, it was like, wow, you know, I'm going to be... He took care of me. And I started going to college at Gadsden State. And I was going to school for business administration. And during that summer, he wanted me to do something. And I started taking, like, the core classes. But I went to cosmetology school for that summer. And I met Gina. And, you know, you just run right back into the same people. So she dated the head chemist at Jacksonville State. And ecstasy was big in town. And it tore me to pieces, you know. My life kind of spiraled out of control. My dad had met this lady in AA. They were dating. I was in their way. And I had to move out of that house. It was, you know, there were times when, you know, I wouldn't come home. So right before I had, you know, moved out, got my own duplex, we got a call. My dad's girlfriend was living in the house then. Her name was Nancy. My bedroom was downstairs. But I came in. You know, you can party all night and then go to work. So that's what I had done. And I came in and was, you know, hoping I could just kind of slip in and slip right back out. And my dad wanted me to come upstairs. And I thought, you know, this is, you know, I didn't call them last night. They've been up worrying all night long. I'm about to get it. And so he sat me down and he told me that my sister had been killed in a car accident here in Atlanta. And it was rough, you know. My sister had a, her son at that time was five years old. And. And her boyfriend, you know, her boyfriend that she was with when this accident happened. He was a cocaine dealer. But, I mean, Meredith had it, you know, she was, she had, you know, he was nice to her, you know. And both of them died instantly. When I got back, you know, from the service and everything, my mom was here in Atlanta by herself. My brother was in the Navy. I moved out. And within no time, I mean, you know, the police were watching in Gadsden. There's just, you know, I, you know, was hanging out in the college bars. It was just a crazy time in my life. And so I moved back to Georgia to kind of get the cops off my tail. And I knew that I was going to end up getting in trouble if I stayed there. That town had nothing to offer me but just more misery. And so when I moved back to Georgia, I said, you know what, I don't want to do drugs anymore. You know, the drugs are going to kill me. And I'm just going to try to, you know, I can drink. I can drink safely. And, you know, not long after I got here, I got my first DUI. And it was an accident. And I was coming down 75. And I hit a family. They were on their way to Florida. Thank God no one got. You know, no one got seriously injured. But I did. I did go to jail. And I didn't know everything that happened. But my mom came and she bailed me out. And so then, you know, I went through all the repercussions. They did not send me to AA. But my dad was sitting down saying, Susan, you know, God, please get some help. You know, you're going to, it's not going to end well. But I was only. I was only 21 years old at the time. I mean, I was having the time of my life. Old National Highway, there were bars all over the place. And Stewart Avenue, this is the time when I was growing up. Now it's Metropolitan Avenue. And, you know, all-night bars. It was just too hard not to do that. But I did mostly just drink. And I, you know, I'd like to say I didn't drink and drive anymore. But I did. I did not get, you know, any more DUIs until later on. And, but I met my son's father when I was 23. And we worked at the same dealership together. I was selling cars at Honda South in Morrow. And I made, I made good money. So I made a lot of money for, you know, someone that was having the kind of lifestyle that I had. And, but when I got pregnant, you know, I, I wanted to have Tyler. I wanted to. I wanted to have him. And, you know, so I quit drinking. And so, Ron and I got married. We were trying to do the right thing. Ron did not have a driver's license. He had already lost his license for multiple DUIs. And so we married. And the house that I lived in was a house that I owned. I took care of my grandfather. My grandfather moved out from, got, from. Gadsden with me here in Atlanta. He was going to have to go into a assisted living home. So anyways, here we are. You know, I got my granddad and this new marriage. And Ron can't stop doing cocaine and Valium. And those two together, you know, there's violence involved. And so within four months, I had him removed from the house. So that marriage did not last. And, but Tyler kept me sober. You know, I did not have the freedom. And I, I wanted to be a good mom. And I would not let Tyler go spend the night with Ron until he was about two years old. And when Ron's mom would come in town, then Tyler could go. And when Tyler went to spend the night with them, that's when I got to binge drink. And, you know, that went on for, oh goodness, until really Tyler was nine years old. And every time Tyler, you know, left, there were, there were times when, you know, I still, you know, needed a few party favors. In the meantime, I'd learned how to pick shrooms. They were free. And I did that occasionally. You know, I always dated someone that, you know, rode motorcycles. So when, you know, bike week, no helmet, drunk on a bike with someone that was probably drunk. You know, I know now, that God pulled me through all of that. I'm so glad there were no accidents. You know, Tyler would have been left without a mom. At nine years old, Ron got pretty deep into Dilaudid. And his life spiraled out of control. He was making a good living and had a beautiful wife, beautiful home. He lost everything. Tyler could not, you know, have visitation. Even with Stacy, you know, Tyler's stepmom. So that didn't happen. And so my drinking picked up. Not long after that, my nephew, Brandon, my sister's son, he and my mom lived in a trailer park in Stockbridge, not too far from where I was living in McDonough. And the house that I bought, you know, had a full basement that wasn't finished. Brandon moved in. He came with me first. Brandon was 16, almost 17. And my mom, maybe about a year later, convinced me to let her sell her trailer and to finish out the basement. And then she could live there. Three months after, I poured her a driveway. There were rules that we were supposed to live by, like her not coming up into my house, her not getting in my business, her not trying to be Tyler's mom. And we lived like that. And we lived like that. From the time Tyler was nine until he was maybe about 14. And my drinking took off. My mom was and still is my trigger. I mean, we're like oil and vinegar. I love her. I do, but I can't live with her. And so this was around 2008, 2007, 2008, and 2009 is when my drinking was spiraling. It was spiraling out of control. Tyler had some good friends in the neighborhood. When he could go spend the night off, then the party was on. And I was always a blackout drinker. And 2008 is when I started to drink every night. Tyler would try to wait until Tyler was, you know, finished with his homework and things like that. And, you know, I kept bumping up my start time, bumping up my start time, trying to control it as, you know, as hard as I tried. I wanted to be a good mom. I was there for him, but then, you know, you're kind of absent when you're in the house. You know, you're thinking about that drink. You're on the telephone. You're not paying any attention to him. And so, I don't know, by the time Tyler was 13, you know, there were three events that happened. He had some friends that spent the night over. And, you know, I was there for him. They drew stitches with a sharpie on my eye right here. And I got up the next morning, and I thought that I had been, you know, I thought I had stitches. You take one look in the mirror. It does sound funny, but I'll tell you what, that's a huge eye opener. I mean, I was devastated that that happened to, you know, I was drunk in front of his kids, drunk enough where I passed out, and they drew on my face. So, that was a turning point. And my mom and I, we had a blowout. I forgot to tell you, in 97, my dad moved back to Georgia. He had had a brain aneurysm. And during that recovery, he had a stroke. And my stepmother, the lady that he met in AA, she had really nursed him back to health. He learned how to walk, talk, read, write, and could do pretty well for himself. But, you know, with having that big change, just with a husband she just married, they were out having fun, and then all of a sudden, she's a caregiver. She did the best she could, but after three years of that, she left him. And so, my dad moved back to Georgia in 97. So, I was taking care of my dad. He didn't have to live with me, but, you know, he couldn't understand the concept of a dollar. So, I had to take care of his money, and his rent, and helping buy a house, and all these things, and get settled, and with doctors. And so, I had that going on with my dad. And then, my mom and I had a big blowout. And I called my brother, and I said, that's it. You know, she's got to move in with you. Something's got to change. And so, this is leading us up to 08 and 09. We were arguing. You know, she was trying to be Tyler's mom. And it wasn't going to happen. So, I wanted her to go live with my brother. I was going to refinance the house. I did refinance the house. I paid her, you know, $25,000. And, you know, let it be. You know, that's your retirement, whatever you need to do. And you go live with my brother. My brother wouldn't have it. And in the meantime, my dad wanted to go live in an independent retirement community. I mean, it was a nice place. But he wanted to keep his house. So, my mom lives in that house to this day. The arrangement was she would take care of the taxes and everything and the upkeep. And she could live there. So, that happened. And then there I was just left in the house with me and Tyler. And Tyler was being a teenager of an alcoholic mother. And I saw things happening, sneaking out. And Tyler had a surgery where he had a cyst removed. And Tyler had a cyst removed. And Tyler had a cyst removed. And Tyler had a cyst removed. And his friend, Kyle, that had been a part of our life since Tyler was seven years old, you know, he said, Susan, you're drunk. I was trying to change the bandage. And that was the weekend that I decided this is enough. You know, I was out on medical leave to care for Tyler, the company that I worked for and still work for. And I called a psychiatrist. I was going to try to find a way to, you know, give me some kind of pill, give me something. So, you know, the thought of not drinking, you know, not with my family, not with my friends, and just I didn't know how I could fit that into my life. But I did go see the psychiatrist, and he wanted to put me into a detox center. Ron, Tyler's dad, was in and out of jail. And I said, no way. You know, I can't let Tyler go live with my mom. And my mom, by the way, my mom quit drinking and drugging four years after my sister died. She had to because it was just, you know, she was a mess. So she had stopped drinking and doing drugs and everything. So, but I didn't want Tyler to go live with her. So, you know, I said, look, my dad got sober in AA. Just give me a chance here. Let me try to go to AA, and let's avoid this, you know, long-term treatment and detox and stuff like that. And so I followed that psychiatrist. I came to AA that night, and I had not had a drink in, I don't know, maybe right at 24 hours. So I was starting to have some of the, you know, withdrawal symptoms. I was shaken, and I could feel, you know, my insides were shaken. It felt like my outsides were shaken. And he did give me Xanax to try to help me kind of keep my nerves calm. And then my first meeting, they had me read how it works. And this lady, I'll never forget her. I'm telling you, if you ever see a new person, please don't do that to them. Because I could hardly talk. My eyes were moving all over the page. And I, later on, my friends, they're still my friends in that meeting, they almost cried watching me try to read how it works, you know, because it was painful. I couldn't comprehend anything that I was saying. But I made it through that reading, and that's the only thing I remember about that meeting. They told me to come back the next day. I came back the next day, and my psychiatrist wrote me out of work for a while. Because, I mean, it's, phew, that detox and, you know, one thing I learned from people in the rooms is, you know, you could drink a lot of orange juice, get you some candy, mix some honey in that orange juice. And just keep going. Just keep sugar in your body, you know. And that's what I did, and I did that for weeks and weeks and weeks. And I ate a lot of chocolate, and I did not drink. After about two weeks, you know, the shaking on the inside went away, and the shortness of breath. All of that, you know, was starting to go away. So, with the help of my psychiatrist and people in the rooms of AA, I detoxed without any problems. I was able to go back to work. I was able to get a job, and I was able to get a job, and I was able to go back to work. So, I knew that I had a job, and I knew I was going to be a doctor. So, I didn't have to worry about going into a detox center, which I know now can be deadly. It's a miracle that I did not have a seizure and die or something horrible happening. Alcohol is that one substance that we need to be clinically detoxed from. All the cocaine and everything else I could have detoxed off that, but not alcohol. And now I know better that we have a disease, and it's a deadly disease, and it's nothing to play around with. I knew when I walked in the rooms that I was going to die, but I knew that my body was going to be a deadly disease. So, I knew that I was going to die. is that one substance that we need to be clinically detoxed from. All the cocaine and everything else, I could have detoxed off that, but not alcohol. And now I know better that we have a disease, and it's a deadly disease, and it's nothing to play around with. I knew when I walked in the rooms that when I picked up a drink, I could not stop drinking. So, you know, I kind of felt like, well, maybe I've got, you know, I went to Alateen. My dad's been sober all these years. I've given him a couple of tips over the years. Maybe I thought I had my, you know, right foot in the door, and I didn't know anything. I didn't know anything. I couldn't comprehend anything. My brain was fried. Everything was foggy. And so I did know that I was powerless over alcohol. I remember the day when I said, you know what, I will never run out of alcohol. And Tyler was probably about 12 years old. And so here I was. You know, my biggest milestone to this day is when I had seven days without a drink. I couldn't believe it. I could not believe I had gone seven days. It was a big moment in my life. And I thought, you know what, maybe, just maybe, I can do what these people are doing. Everybody here is laughing. They're happy, or most everyone, you know. And so that's where my journey started. When I started here in the rooms, I got a sponsor, you know, and she started working the steps with me. I did not have a relationship with God. And she had me write my big book, you know, Don't Be Afraid to Trust an Unknown Future to an Unknown God. And I still have that big book today. And I didn't know God. And I was really afraid of all the stuff that I was about to face. I had a lot of fear around these steps. And, you know, that's step two, you know, believing in a power greater than myself. That, I just was like, it was real foreign. I didn't really think too much about it. But restoring me to sanity, you know, I still, I hadn't lost custody of my son. I still had a house. I still had my job. So I wasn't real sure that, you know, there in step one with my life being unmanageable, if I needed to be restored back to sanity. And, you know, I was going to turn. I was going to turn my will and my life over to a care of God, you know, in step three. All that was just kind of lip service. And she wanted me to start working on a fourth step. And I thought, there's no way, you know, I'm going to tell all my business. This is, you know, 25 years of drinking and drugging and craziness. And I had just kind of, you know, I thought, you know, I don't know how this is going to work out. You know, my family, they party. And so I made it five months in AA without doing a fourth step. I wouldn't do it. So don't let that happen to you. Don't be afraid to do it. Just get it done. But I did relapse. And I was out for 11 days. And out of those 11 days, I drank four times, three times total blackout. Bless you. And the fourth time, I was in my living room. Tyler was spending the night off with one of his friends. And I was on maybe my third or fourth beer, not even feeling a buzz yet. And I was thinking about AA and how good that felt for those five months. And here I was again. I was going to go right down that path. And I was at that turning point. You know, do you want to continue down that road, lose everything? I was going to lose Tyler. He didn't have his dad here to take care of him. So I was at that jumping off place. You know, are you going to try to get sober? Are you going to go ahead and ruin your life and probably die and ruin your son's life and everything else? And so I got up. I asked God. I said, God, please help me. Please help me. And I was on that couch. And I got up. And I poured the beer down the drain. And I went to bed. And I did not have to drink myself into a blackout that night. I can't remember ever doing that. In the last, I don't know, seven, eight years, I was always in a blackout, you know, going to bed. And so the next day I got up. I went to AA. It was a birthday celebration. It was a big group. There were probably about 100 people in the room. I didn't plan my, you know, walking back in too well. So I had to get up in front of 100 people and get that white chip. And no one knew, you know, I mean, no one couple did, but you could hear the gasp in the room. You know, but thank God, thank God she is back in here and she's going to try again. You know, so much love and friendship in these rooms. And I, there was nothing wrong with my first sponsor, but she told me to pray about another sponsor. And so that's the sponsor that I have now. And I did everything that she asked me to do. The steps one through three, we went back through it again. And. And, you know, I wasn't sure about my relationship with God. You know, I wasn't real sure that my life was unmanageable or that I was insane. But she had me write out that fourth step. This time I did it. And I needed a lot of help from her because, you know, making those columns going all the way down, you know, writing those names. And then, you know, I was having a hard time with those columns. And, you know, I've been in the workforce for a long time here. But just couldn't quite do it. So she helped me. And she really kind of pointed some things out. So there in the end, that last column, you know, I could see where my weaknesses were, you know, and some areas that were my character defects and some of my triggers. And I've moved forward through those steps. And then looking at all my character defects, you know what, for me, that just kind of came in time. And they're still going to come. And I'm still going to have them. And moving on into that eighth step list, thank God I had a sponsor to look at that list with me because I didn't have to go out and make amends to all those people. Some of those things we just talked through, there were people that, you know, you know, I just needed to get it out. And it was so freeing. My mom is the first person that I made my amends to. And she had a field day with that one. She did. She pointed out everything that I did. And, you know, what I had done and how I, I mean, you know what, I just listened. And I said, you know what, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And my dad, you know, he had long-term, short-term memory loss. So thank God, you know, he didn't remember anything. And I put that man through hell. But, you know, he was, you know, he would still go to AA meetings some. He had lost his hearing. But anyways, I made, he nodded. He nodded. He knew what I was doing, you know. And my son, Tyler, he didn't know I was an alcoholic, you know. I mean, this was kind of normal for us. And he thought, don't say anything else. I got it. It's all right. I'm not mad at you, you know. And so, but anyways, I continued to make, you know, my amends to all those people on the list. My sponsor was big in service work. So, you know, those, that first month there, I was setting up a meeting. I was making coffee. There's a lot of stuff. There's a lot of things that we can do, you know. Talking to someone that's coming in for their first term. My gosh, within that first three months, by God, they could relate. You know, we were right there neck and neck together. We, you know, I never want to forget how it felt. You know, it is hard to get sober. And it's easier to stay sober. It's easier to stay sober. So, if you're here and you're sober, God, just please let somebody help you. You know, we don't have to live that way. Now, my wife and I, we don't have to live that way. You know, with that service work, it didn't take me long, maybe about a year, year and a half into the program, making all kinds of crazy mistakes and having fun with all these crazy women. My gosh. I mean, these are all the people that, you know, we hung out with. And we're all still crazy and a lot of fun and outgoing. And, you know, you're just not adding, you know, alcohol to all the parties and the get-togethers. And you remember everything. And it's funny. You know. So, there's some trips that we went on. My gosh. Some of the things that these ladies did and I did. I've never lived life and had that much joy on all those years that I was drinking. This is true happiness, fun. There are genuine people in here. There's some things that have happened. I started sponsoring women. And, you know, at one time, I mean, I had, you know, six sponsees that were sponsoring. You know, three women. We sat down and we, you know, we came up with this curriculum, you know, where they didn't have to call me every time. They knew right where to go in the big book. And we, me and my sponsees, we sat down and we did this together. And we still have that. So, when you have a new sponsee and they're ready to sponsor someone, you know, you kind of have a little bit of a guide. But then we've got everybody in these rooms. You know, I can get to a meeting early. And, you know, my life is just wonderful. You know, my greatest spiritual experience was, you know, when my dad passed away. I got to tell him how much I love him and how much he did for me. And it was a very powerful moment. He got to see me pick up my four-year chip. And, you know, it's just a great program. My son, Tyler, you know, we had a rocky road there. So, he was 15 when I got sober. And he was the child of an alcoholic. And he was making some mistakes. And he continued to do that there for a little while. My sponsor happened to be married to a guy that is also in recovery that worked for the court system in Henry County. And Tyler got into some trouble. And her husband went and spoke to the judge about some things that Tyler had done. And they put Tyler. And they put Tyler into a conversion program. And it changed his life. It was, you know, a three-month program where they teach him how to make good choices. And that was the end of it for Tyler. Tyler, now he is an electrician. He was, you know, he got his license as an electrician in 2017. From there, he was promoted to a project manager. Now he's an operation manager over a division. And, you know, he rides Harleys and Choppers. And he just, you know, he's Tyler. And I can accept all of that. You know, the biggest fear is, you know, in the beginning was watching him get on that bike. You know, now I help him wax that bike when it's showtime. And, you know, it is a beautiful life. And my brother, my brother and I are so close, you know. You know, my mom. My mom and I, we have our moments. We had one last week. And, you know, it will tear you up inside when you can't make your amends real quick. So we got into a little argument on Tuesday. And it, you know, lasted until Friday evening. I had an emotional hangover. I was in tears Saturday. Thank God for my sponsor. She talked some sense into me. Within ten minutes, I was on the telephone making my amends to my mother. Thank you for sending. And then in the morning, I wake up and I am renewed. And that's how these steps and the sponsorship can really keep you sober. And, you know, you don't have to drink over those things. So if you are new, just coming in, been here a while, whatever the case may be, I'm glad you're here. And just let somebody help you. Stay sober no matter what. Thank you. I hate my pain. Avoid the feelings like a winter rain with a drink or an angry word. I could not deep inside. It won't be my friend. I can't explain.