First Second and Third Step on Anything I Can’t Put Down — That’s How My Sponsor Keeps Me Sober – Tammy S.

Hey everybody, I'm Julie, and I'm an alcoholic, which puts me in the right place.
Welcome to the Monday night Blue Chip Speakers meeting at the NABBA Club,
where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story.
This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Each individual and their personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view
the way they establish their relationship with God.
These give a fair cross-section of our membership and clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives.
We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts and bad taste.
Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight,
and listening later on a bluechipspeakers.org, desperately in need, will hear our speaker,
and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems
that any of us shall be persuaded to say,
Yes, I am one of them, too. I must have this thing.
I have the privilege of introducing our speaker tonight,
and I have gotten to know Tammy just through her participation in my home group,
which is the 930 I Can't We Can group.
It meets on the other side of the wall every day, Monday through Saturday.
And as you guys know, there are a lot of different kinds of meetings in AA.
There's this one, which is a speaker's meeting, where somebody tells their story,
and then there are big book studies, and then there are literature studies.
The 930 is a literature study,
which is what Tammy has to share about the literature and about her journey in sobriety.
With that, I give you Tammy.
Hi, I'm Tammy. I'm an alcoholic.
It's been a while since I've told my story, so I'm a little nervous.
But I prayed before I got up here, so I should be good to go,
and hopefully God will speak to me.
So, my sobriety date is December 25th, 1997.
And I'm from Atlanta.
Born and raised.
Middle class home.
One brother.
I have some notes up here, too, just in case I go blank.
And basically, my story has a lot of different facets to it,
and I'm really just going to talk about the disease of alcoholism
and how it has manifested in my life.
And it's manifested.
It's manifested through more than just alcohol.
I've had to work on a lot of different things since I've put drugs and alcohol down.
For me, it started, you know, just as a young girl,
feeling very insecure and unworthy and not good enough.
That's my core issue.
It's always been my core issue, is that I'm never good enough.
I never do enough.
And I was raised in a perfectionistic home,
perfectionistic grandfather, perfectionistic mother.
It was all about how you looked.
Had to look good.
No matter what, you know.
And so, I grew up, you know, being pretty insecure
and having to compensate through being an overachiever.
So, I was an overachiever in school.
I mean, you name it, I did it.
There was nothing I didn't do.
Track, cross-country, cheerleading.
I mean, honor society, Spanish club, I mean, drama club, chorus.
I mean, you name it, I did it.
I think that that was my way of trying to feel good
about myself, because deep down, I really didn't.
And I think my first addiction, well,
I know my first addiction really was food.
I developed an eating disorder early on in life,
and I know that that was my first attempt
to not feel the feelings.
You know, I can remember right before a football game,
I was in drill team, and I brought like a whole box
of cookies down to my room and ate the whole box
before we went out on the field.
I was so sad.
I was so sick, and then I would get in trouble all the time
for eating every last sugary item in the house,
and I couldn't understand why I couldn't stop.
You know, but you know, alcohol is pure sugar, right?
So, go figure, you know.
So, that's one of the things I have to stay away from today,
because I can't just have one of those either.
My mother was wonderful.
She was my best friend.
I loved my mother.
I mean, she was awesome.
But I did have an unstable diet.
I mean, I didn't eat a lot.
I didn't have a stable father life, so to speak.
My mother went through several divorces.
So, I really had an unstable father figure in my life,
which definitely affected me.
I know it affects a lot of young girls,
and it affected my relationships,
because I, like her, chose a lot of emotionally unavailable men
in my life, a lot of sick men.
And I had some of the sickest relationships ever.
You know, through my recovery,
I now have someone that is healthy,
or is healthier than anybody I've ever been with,
and that's great, you know.
But I had to do a lot of work on my relationships as well.
That was another area that I had to deal with.
Because for me, underneath it all, it's about relationships.
You know, it's that codependency part of, you know,
how we relate to people and the fear of relating to people.
I never felt comfortable.
I was very reserved, a little shy.
And I didn't like that about myself.
It took alcohol to get me where I wanted to be.
Of course, I went overboard, and then I made a fool of myself.
But at least it loosened me up, and I felt like,
yeah, you know, like, I can talk now.
You know, I can, you know, I can get out there and be who I want to be.
Because I didn't want to be in the corner, you know, shy,
and not feeling, you know, a part of, which is the way I felt.
My first drink, actually,
I was an exchange student to Finland when I was in high school,
and I was in Russia.
They didn't have a drinking age.
I got drunk on cherry brandy.
Not good.
Oh, not good.
That is the worst hangover imaginable.
And that was, like, my first drink.
That's really kind of where it stopped for a while, though.
I didn't really drink again until I was in college.
Now, the funny thing about me is when I was in high school,
I was trying so hard to be a good girl and be an overachiever
that I didn't do drugs and alcohol.
I, you know, they were the freaks, and I was over here.
You know, I wound up being the biggest druggie of all of them.
But it took me a while to get there.
It was after I graduated from college that I really took off.
So my story is a little different like that.
When I was, I went to a community college here in Atlanta,
and that's, you know, when I started drinking, really drinking.
I was a blackout drinker.
There's no question about it.
When I drank, I drank to get drunk, and I had blackouts.
And then the next day, I was mortified by what I had done the night before.
That's kind of the way it was.
And I smoked some pot in there.
And I do have drugs in my story.
It is just the way it is.
Because for me, it's progressive.
It started with alcohol, and then for me,
it just progressively went to harder and harder core things
in my life.
That's my story.
And I'm going to talk about that.
But I loved the way alcohol made me feel.
Like I said, it made me open up.
And, you know, I wanted to be the center of attention.
And I was.
Not in a good way.
But I was a French and Spanish major.
So I went my sophomore year of college to France,
and I studied there.
That's where my addiction really took off.
I was in a whole different world.
I mean, a whole different world.
It was very scary.
And I mean, I did nothing.
It was promiscuity and drinking.
That was it.
That's what I did.
It made me feel terrible about myself.
And I came home a changed woman.
I was changed after that.
Because before that, I had had like one boyfriend or something.
But when I was there, I was looking for love in all the wrong places.
And I found that I didn't know how to say no to people.
I didn't know how to say no.
I mean, it was like, I wanted you to like me.
So much so that I, you know, gave up my morals.
Was under the influence, too.
It was pretty tragic, actually, when I think about it.
But it was like the progressiveness, you know, like I said.
And so when I came back from Europe, I went to University of Georgia,
which is where I ended up graduating.
And again, I mean, that was all about drinking there.
I mean, we, you know, partied all the time.
You know, I ended up graduating.
I got, I had a degree in French and Spanish.
So I got a job as an interpreter at Hartsfield for a couple of years.
And I ended up losing it through my addiction.
That is when my addiction really, really, really took off.
I was introduced to cocaine.
Within six months of doing that drug, I was in my first treatment center.
And I remember in my treatment, in the treatment center,
they're like, well, you know you can't drink either, right?
Because I was thinking, well, it was cocaine that took me out.
It wasn't alcohol.
And they're like, well, you can't drink.
And I'm like, well, I'm not really an alcoholic.
I mean, it was cocaine, you know, like I was blaming it on cocaine.
I didn't see that I really was an alcoholic, too.
But the minute I left the treatment center, I went out and got drunk.
And I remember I was the last one at the bar, and I was begging for drinks.
I was begging for drinks.
And they had to, like, escort me out.
So that was not good.
And it was embarrassing.
And there's the demoralization that it talks about in the big book.
And I had a lot of experiences like that.
But I will say that that experience made it evident to me that I was an alcoholic.
I knew after that night that they were right.
Yeah, you're right, I'm an alcoholic.
Like, I got it then.
After that, like, I went through several.
I came, I came, originally I came into AA in 1990.
You know, and that was through treatment center.
Because I ended up relapsing after that.
You know, I went from snorting to smoking to shooting up.
That was the progression of it.
And I ended up getting hepatitis C.
I had just kind of disappeared from my life.
You know, I lost my job at the airport because I was calling in.
I had 36 sick days in one year.
And I was, like, making up excuses.
Like, well, you know, somebody had an accident in front of my driveway and I can't get out.
That was one of them.
Seriously, that was one of them.
And I was really, like, when they let, you know, they asked me to resign.
And I was like, cool, now I can party.
Now I can do what I really want to do.
That was pretty much the beginning of the end.
I just started using 24-7.
And see, that's what I do.
I am not functional when I use.
I mean, I am hardcore.
I use 24-7.
My job goes within a week.
My family goes.
Whoever I'm dating is not there anymore.
I mean, it goes.
It all goes.
And all I care about is getting high.
That's it.
That's me.
That's what happens.
And so I lost everything.
Wound up in jail because I was writing bad checks, trying to get money for drugs.
And I got, you know, wound up in jail.
And I thought to myself, okay, this is, you know, like, I knew that I was in trouble once I went to jail.
I thought, okay, now these people know who you are.
The cops really know who you are now.
It scared me.
It really scared me.
Because I didn't want to have this huge record.
That's not what I wanted.
And so it kind of, like, at reality set in, I had just kind of disappeared and I was using with some really hardcore people.
I came home.
You know, it wasn't pay and rent.
I was renting a house from my grandfather.
And I came home.
My mother went to one Al-Anon meeting and she got it.
I mean, it only took one for her.
I came home.
The locks were changed.
My car was repoed.
My stuff was moved out.
And they basically said,
This is what you're going to do.
Go.
Because we're not going to have anything to do with you.
And I went.
For two months, I was literally on the streets.
That's when I ended up contracting hepatitis C.
And I remember calling on Thanksgiving Day.
I don't know why.
It's like, it just seems like my anniversaries are always, like, really major days.
You know, like, Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Day.
But it was Thanksgiving Day.
And I didn't even know what day it was.
And I remember calling home and saying,
Come get me.
I mean, I was so strung out, sick, scared.
You know, that was the thing that really, what I wanted to get away from was the fear.
Because I was so paranoid that it wasn't fun anymore.
Getting high was not fun anymore.
It was like, I find, I was like.
What am I doing?
I mean, this isn't fun.
And I was just scared to death.
And so my dad came and got me.
I got, I went into treatment again.
And I got my first year sober.
I started over here at Triangle.
Like, 1990 was my first, when I first came into AA.
And I got my first year.
And that was after, by the way, going through a couple of different treatment centers and getting kicked out.
Because I wouldn't obey the rules.
I was one of those that I would sneak out and stuff.
I mean, it mortifies me now when I think about the stuff I did.
It's like, really?
That was me?
I can't believe I did that crap.
But I did it.
I got my first year sober.
And what did I do?
Better hook up with somebody.
Right out of treatment.
Moved in together.
We ended up relapsing together.
Word to the wise.
And I'm going to tell you a little bit of experience here.
Not a good idea.
Not a good idea if you're getting sober to be getting with people that don't have any time.
Not a good idea.
I'm just saying.
Because I relapsed with him.
Now, luckily, I was able to get back on track the very next day.
But he was not so lucky.
And I ended up losing that relationship because he could not get sober again.
When you're getting sober, I mean, it's important to get healthy before you get into...
a relationship.
That's why they say wait a year or whatever.
I mean, I did it all wrong, though.
I mean, you know, I did it all wrong.
And it's only through the grace of God that I'm still sober today.
Because I've made so many mistakes in sobriety and done so many dumb things.
It's not even funny.
But the thing I can say that's really important is that I kept coming back.
And that's one of the things I want to say to the newcomers is if you do nothing else,
just keep coming back and keep praying.
Two very important things.
If you do that, you got a chance.
Because I did do those things.
And today, I'm sober, which is a complete miracle, considering that I should be dead.
I really should be dead.
I went on to get five years sober.
You know, the obsession had been removed.
And I was like, cool.
And I will say this, too.
Like, I did go through an early sobriety.
Like, I've gone through different...
Because I've had some relapses, it's been a little different each time I've gotten sober.
So I'm going to talk a little bit about that.
When I first got sober, it was really hard.
The mental obsession was there.
And every day, I was like, oh, my God, I want to use, I want to use, I want to use.
And my sponsor would say, don't use no matter what.
No matter what, don't use.
And I held on to that.
And it helped me.
And I knew at that point that I couldn't use, that it really was life or death.
I got that because of my bottom.
I got that.
But the obsession finally did go away.
And at five years, the obsession was gone.
Again, I was dating somebody that was, like, using.
He was using.
He wasn't even in recovery.
He made a comment to me that, you know, hurt my feelings.
And I went and picked up a diet pill, which, you know, diet pills are a speed.
Next thing you know, you know, I'm out there again.
And that time, I was not going to as many meetings.
I thought I was cured.
You know, it was that typical story that you hear about.
I wasn't really going to meetings.
I was hanging out with people that used.
And, you know, just because the obsession wasn't there, I thought I was in the clear.
Next thing you know, I'm using with those people.
I went through, once again, you know, I had to lose everything all over again.
Well, I'm back up in treatment.
I will say this.
The last time that I used, I didn't have to go to treatment.
Because it was, I went through so many treatment centers, it's very boggled in my mind, you know.
But the last time, you know, after the five years and I picked up and I went through some relapsing and stuff.
I remember it was around Christmas time.
And this girl felt sorry for me.
Because I didn't have anything.
And she, I don't know why she gave me a car.
Because I was always losing cars.
That was the other thing.
I went through so many cars.
Because I couldn't drive when I was messed up.
And I would get somebody to drive to go make runs.
And my car would disappear.
And so I went through a ton of cars.
Okay.
And so she let me use her car.
And I don't think she knew all that.
And then she, because it was Christmas time, she got a little hotel room for me.
A little city hotel.
It was right across the street from Triangle.
And I was there trying to do my thing.
And I would go to Triangle.
And I would do a meeting.
And then I would go back.
And I was still using.
And I was, I don't know what I was doing.
I was just out of it.
Completely and totally out of it.
I had my cat with me and like a suitcase.
I mean, that was all I had.
And I just remember it was Christmas Day.
And this is when I got sober.
That I was sitting on the floor.
I had just gotten taken.
Let's just say that.
And didn't get what I paid for.
And I was just sitting there.
And I was strung out and no sleep and no food.
And I just had this voice that came to me.
This is not who you are.
And you don't have to live like this.
And it was just that moment of clarity that they talk about.
I called my mom.
And I'm like, I want to come home for Christmas.
And I did.
And I never looked back.
That was it.
I was done.
I was so done.
That to me was a, you know, they talk about surrender in here.
That was a deep surrender.
Unfortunately, it takes a lot for me to surrender like that.
And I pretty much had to lose it all.
But I am so grateful today.
That I'm sober as a result of that bottom.
Because I have a very fresh memory of that.
And a fear of this disease that keeps me sober today.
I do not get away from the AA anymore.
I have had to work on other addictions.
I've had to work on other addictions.
So there were times when I wasn't coming to AA as much.
And I was going and I had to deal with codependency issues.
I go to Al-Anon to deal with those, basically those issues.
And I had to deal with my relationship issues.
Because I was constantly in sobriety getting involved with guys that were fresh out of treatment.
Even if I had years of sobriety.
And then they would relapse.
I couldn't choose healthy people.
So I had to work on that.
I had to work on my eating disorder.
Because that came back with a vengeance.
After I put the drugs and alcohol down.
I had to work on my finances.
Because I was a spendaholic.
I mean, you name it, it's more.
It's more.
You know how they say more is the disease of more?
That's it.
Anything that feels good, looks good, tastes good.
I want more of it.
And there's never enough.
So I have to watch for that today in my sobriety.
And I have worked through the steps.
I continue to work through the steps.
But today, the steps work me.
I mean, it's about living a spiritual life today.
So I try to live accordingly to what I think God would have me to do and be today.
And I pray every day for knowledge of God's will for me and the power to carry that out.
That's my prayer every day.
And for the willingness and ability to stay sober.
Every day.
Without fail.
On my knees.
That's the one thing that I do without fail.
And I do meditate.
I found a meditation that works for me.
And I try to get quiet.
For 20 minutes, preferably, a day.
But I don't always do it.
I mean, I'm not perfect at it.
I mean, tonight I could only do about 15.
Sometimes I can only do five.
Sometimes I don't do any.
And then I have to do it the next day.
Whatever.
You know, it's not about being perfect.
The disease is still in my head, which is why I have to keep coming here.
Because it will always tell me that I'm not enough and I'm not doing enough.
It comes up all the time.
That's why I come here.
And that's why I have several different sponsors.
Several different programs.
They will tell me, you are enough and you do enough.
You are enough and you do enough.
Because I very easily beat up on myself.
And I'm hard on myself.
And that perfectionistic part of me that feels like I've got to be the best.
And me and my husband, we competitively dance together today.
It's just wonderful.
Because I always love dancing.
And it was a gift of getting sober that I could do that.
Because I wouldn't do it for a long time because I felt like if I wasn't perfect at it, I just wasn't going to do it at all.
You know, well, that's kind of ridiculous, right?
So, I'm still not perfect at it.
And I'm not near as good as I want to be.
And never will be.
But, again, it's one thing that I can work my program on.
You know, I pray before I get on the dance floor that, you know, for God's favor.
I pray for God's favor a lot in everything I do.
I prayed when I got up here for God to use me as a vessel.
I bring God with me everywhere.
I pray a lot.
A lot.
Because one of the things that this program has done for me is give me a relationship with God that I never had before.
I always believed in God.
I never had a problem or issue with God.
I always, you know, I kept my faith even when I was using.
I just wasn't doing God's will.
And I wasn't even trying to do God's will.
And today I do try to do that.
So, today it really is not about what I want so much as it is about what God wants me to do and wants me to be.
So, I pray about things a lot.
You know how it says in the big book when you're, like, indecisive about something, just pray about it.
And, you know, sometimes an intuitive thought will come.
And don't struggle.
And that so works.
That so works.
I mean, I do that a lot.
I'll be like.
And it can be in little things.
Like, I don't pray just about the big things.
I pray about everything.
Should I go to a meeting or should I go work out?
I know.
That seems really dumb.
But it's true.
I mean, sometimes I've got all these choices, you know.
And maybe I already went to five meetings that week.
And maybe, you know.
So, but what I found is it is true.
Like, something will just happen.
Either my desire will change for something or, you know, some weird accident will happen.
And it will make the decision for me.
I mean, there's always, you know, it just works out.
And that's kind of the way it works for me is that I.
And I've seen God.
He has brought me through so many different things.
I mean, drugs, alcohol, eating disorder, codependency.
Things that really have hurt me that I thought I could never stop.
And I couldn't stop.
And that was too much for me.
But it's not too much for God.
And nothing's too much for God today.
So, when I'm struggling with something today, it doesn't matter what it is.
I know if I'm trying to quit doing something that's not good for me and I can't, I'm powerless.
I'm powerless.
I do the first, second, and third on it.
You know, I'm powerless.
God, I need your help.
I'm giving this to you.
And I write it down and I put it in my God box.
And everything in my God box has been rectified.
All of it.
And I've got some stuff in there now.
And hopefully, in a few months or a year, it will be rectified.
I have a good track record today.
Like, I know if I just turn it over, if I just give it to God, it's going to be handled.
There's no question in my mind.
So, even if I'm hurting and I'm going through stuff that I don't like.
And I'm still pretty much a baby, you know, when it comes to hard feelings.
And, you know, I'm still pretty immature emotionally.
I want to check out and I don't want to feel yucky.
And, you know, and I cry and scream and act like a two-year-old.
And I have the tools.
And I make phone calls.
I have a great support group.
And I use them.
That's what I do.
That's how I process things.
I use my support group.
And I pray.
And I put it in my God box.
And I come to meetings.
And I hear exactly what I need to hear at exactly the right time.
That's a God thing.
That's no coincidence.
That's a God thing.
And I've learned from my mistakes.
And I try to continue to learn from my mistakes.
And I went to a sermon a couple weeks back.
The pastor was like, what are you asking God to remove in your life today?
Instead of asking him to remove it.
Why don't you ask him to use it before he removes it?
That made sense to me.
You know, because today I know, and it says in the big book, nothing happens without reason.
You know, there's always a reason why things are going on.
God has us right where we're supposed to be at any given time.
And we have to accept where we are.
And I know a lot of times today when I'm in distress it's because I am not accepting where I am.
I'm not.
In fact, I'm mad about it.
And I have to pray for acceptance.
I have to pray for willingness.
I have to pray for all of it.
I have to pray for God to remove the character defects that stand in the way of my usefulness.
I pray that every day, too.
Because the character defects still get in the way.
A lot of times I just get mad at myself.
And I'm like, do I even have any sobriety?
Because it's just some of the times, you know, I just think, oh, my God, look at the way I'm acting or what's going on.
But then, you know, up here telling my story.
Like, I've come a long way.
There's no question.
And I'm really grateful for that.
I continue to get with my sponsor when things come up and do many first steps.
You know, if there's something in particular going on, I get with her and I write it down and we go over it.
So I can get it out, tell it to somebody else, and then I can pray about it.
Pray for acceptance for where I am in that situation and the willingness to do what I need to do.
In that situation.
And all of that comes from God.
I can't manifest any of it.
And the better I know that, the better off I am.
Because if I'm trying to do it myself, it's not going to happen.
I just feel like today I just want to be who God wants me to be, doing what God wants me to do, helping others.
Really, my passion is really to, I get the most joy out of helping others.
It's true.
It's like, if I can just get out of myself.
Because my head's just not a good place to be.
It's really helpful.
And so any way that I can give back and share what God's done for me.
You know, that's why I wanted, you know, I was nervous about telling my story.
But I wanted to just share with you what God's done for me in my life.
Because it's incredible.
It's absolutely a miracle.
And by the way, my hepatitis has been completely eradicated.
And that was a miracle.
I mean, I took the interferon and stuff that they gave me to take and completely eradicated.
So that was a God thing too.
And so I just would say, I'm going to wrap up.
You know, to the newcomer, just keep coming back.
And get a sponsor, for sure.
Get some numbers.
You know, get a support group.
And pray.
And even if you can't get it, just keep coming back.
Keep coming back.
Keep praying.
Keep praying.
Because it really isn't God's time.
That's the other thing that I found out.
We can't make ourselves surrender.
You know, if I could have made myself surrender, I would have way before I did.
Way before I lost all that stuff, you know.
I can't do that.
It's in God's timing that we finally have had enough.
Like, that's why it's foolish to beat yourself up if you're not, if you can't stay sober.
You know.
Because it's a disease.
We have no power, right?
I mean, why are we beating ourselves up?
To me, whenever I'm doing that, I know that I'm thinking I have power.
You know, if I'm struggling with something today, and I can't stop whatever it is, you know, whatever I'm struggling with,
I just have to remember that I'm not in charge.
And I have to ask for God's power and, you know, acceptance of the time it takes to get past whatever it is.
I guess that's pretty much, pretty much it.
So anyway, I'm hoping I helped somebody.
I think I'll end there.
Thanks.
Thank you, Tammy.
Great job.
A testament to how relaxing can be powerful.
Painful but powerful for the rest of us in the room.
Thank you for sharing that.
I've asked Damon to come up and give me,
give out the chips.
My name's Damon.
I'm an alcoholic.
I really enjoyed that story.
I can relate to it a lot, except I ain't got no groupies.
But I do have some chips.
The first one is a white chip.
If you'd like to try our way of life, come on up here and get it.
There's a lot of news going round.
People needin' what they doin' with time.
While others livin' high.
A big piece of the pie.
So many they got it wrong.
So many they got it wrong.
So many they got it wrong.
So many they got it wrong.
So many they got it wrong.
That's for me, when I want it too much.
Ain't never enough.
I know how it is to live and die.
Always fearing that I'm gonna run out.
Keep the good stuff to myself.
Keep the good stuff to myself.
Keep the good stuff to myself.
Hide it from everyone else
Save it for a rainy day
If you wanna have it all the time
Gotta give it away
All I had in love
Kept it on a shelf
He showed me how to love the world
Till I could do it myself
If you want love all the time
Give it to someone else
Yeah
I want everyone around to see
Just how much your love means to me
Baby, wear it on my sleeve
It'll never leave
If I give it
And dress okay
If you want love all the time
Give it away
If you want love all the time
Give it away
Yeah
If you want love all the time
Give it away
If you want love all the time
Give it away
Yeah
If you want love all the time
Give it away
Give it away
Give it away
Give it away
Give it away
Give it away.