Finding the Power – Steps 2 & 3 – Joe H.

I'd like to go back to those two basic ones in agreement and one's a decision. One's on page 73. I'm sorry, page 76. At the bottom of the next to the last paragraph in the middle of the eighth step, it says, remember, it was agreed at the beginning that we would go to any length for victory over alcohol. home. And on page 58, in the middle of the second paragraph, if you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps. It's also interesting that at another point in and how it works. They say, remember, we're dealing with alcohol. Cunning, baffling, powerful. And from what I've discovered in that book, there's only two places that ask me to remember, which assumes two things. That it's something I need to remember and that I'll forget. And that both of those places where they ask me to remember remember not that they don't make other strong statements throughout this book but at both of those places they asked me to remember they're both about alcohol i met a man one time and he had had 17 years of sobriety and he said that uh at 17 years OF SOBRIETY he thought he no longer had an alcohol problem but a living problem and he pursued what to do for his living problems and one day figured that a little alcohol might help him with his living problems and almost died before he got back to this program and had a hard time getting back. And I think even though at the tenth step they make a great promise, which is one of the promises that I don't hear talked about when they only mention twelve in the ninth step on page 83 that we hear so often, one ofthe great promises in the tenth stepp is that we will no longer be fighting alcohol. We'll be placed in a position of neutrality. The problem will be removed. It doesn't mean the truth about it is removed. And I think if there was one thing where I get confused on this path, continuing to do this work on a regular basis, is between experiencing a time in this work and large periods of time in my life where there is no problem and alcohol's not on my back and my ego convincing me then the truth about me and alcohol is no longer true because the problem has been removed. And they asked me to remember not only that I agreed at the beginning what I would do for victory over this stuff but that I would go to any length and to remind me that I am dealing with alcohol even though I can be placed in a position of neutrality the truth is about it is still true That without a spiritual connection on a daily basis, which must be maintained, I only have a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of that spiritual condition. So going back to those two statements, which we turn into questions. Have I agreed here at the beginning, which is where I am when I'm in step one? That doesn't mean just when I was new. I have a sponsor with 26 years who's been doing this work on a yearly basis for 26 years since he was confined in the Colorado State Penitentiary that you'll hear on Sunday morning. And I also have a spiritual advisor who's a female who's 33 years sober and has been doing these works, submitting herself to this process every year for 33 years. She just celebrated her 33rd birthday, that that should be as relevant to at 33 years, if not even more, because I'm more awake than it was to me the first time. So these steps, no matter how long you're sober, and that's been true from my experience, no mater how long I'm sober, these steps should come to where I am. They should meet me where I is. And these statements and these considerations should be as pertinent and as considerable and as intensifying as they were the first time, if not more. I mean, it seems to me each time through these steps, the proposition, for example, that God is everything or nothing certainly means a little bit more at ten years than it did at five and a half months. or to die an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis, these two alternatives not being easy to face should be as relevant to me this time as they were the first time, if not more. And they were more relevant because here's why. The stakes are higher. What did I have to lose ten years ago? Death didn't scare me. I'm not one of these guys that you try to scare with to drink is to die. my God, that might be my only relief. From where I had been and the things I had had to deal with on a daily basis from the Michigan State Penitentiary on for 11 more years, I dealt with life and death on a day-to-day basis and there were long periods of time where that might have been my only way out. And you didn't scare me with to drink is to die. But when my sponsor shifted a little bit, it caught me. Because you know what he said? You might live a lot longer feeling the way you're feeling unable to die. That's relevant to where I was then. But now, to die an alcoholic death, I don't want to die because there's some great stuff in my life. The pot's bigger. The bet's higher. So those statements should come... I think there's nothing sadder than meeting somebody in Alcoholics Anonymous as I have met and being in a place where I have been at certain times where you literally think, I've done those steps. There's nothing more for me in those steps. I've done them. I've don them once. I've do them twenty times. I've done them five times. I've donne them thirty-two times. Whatever the proposition might be. And to think, there's no more for me in that process. I can't go back to these steps. Now I need to do... and we get to all this other stuff, right? I was celebrating my ninth birthday a year ago and a friend of mine from Denver called me this was a great day for me and this guy and I got sober together I used to work for him when I worked in adolescent treatment sober I no longer work in the treatment field I have my own business and I do investments and he called me and he said Joe I woke up today and it's my ninth AA birthday and because of a series of decisions that I have made and a lie that I had that I believed I have placed myself away from everybody in AA and I had no one in Denver to call today in AA. And it wasn't that he had gone to that place thinking that working in the field meant he was doing AA and he didn't need to do AA because he's working in the field helping others and doing that is doing AA. It wasn't that he had gone this far away from AA. It was that he had made those decisions asleep to that he was making them. And I thought to myself, I would hate to wake up one day and realize through a series of decisions that I've made totally asleep that I'm making them I've placed myself where there is nobody anymore. And then I realized, think about every inventory you've ever written and look at the times you have made decisions asleep that you were making them and placed yourself in positions where you were separate from everyone. In AA. And then i saw i was just like him. That i could do that. So, at seven and a half years, i'm writing inventory again. And I don't even know what I was writing about. I don'T think what I WAS WRITING ABOUT HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH WHAT I SAW, WHICH IS ONE OF THE GREAT THINGS ABOUT INVENTORY SOMETIMES. I WAS WRIGHTING ABOUT SOMETHING AND OUT POPPED THIS AWARENESS. JOE, YOU'RE EXPERIENCING A FORM OF DENIAL STRONGER THAN THE DENial YOU CAME HERE WITH. NOW THAT KIND OF DENAIL WE HEAR TALKED ABOUT A LOT. You know, to deny the disease of alcoholism. The only disease that tells you you don't have one. All the stuff, you go to treatment or you come to AA, if you're luckier, and you hear all this stuff about the denial of the disease. We talk about that kind of denial a lot. Seven and a half years, I got in touch with a form of denial stronger than that because now I'm seven and a Half years away from my last drink and it's there and it's a form of denial that I don't hear talked about a lot. And I don' t think I'm any more different or any more special or any better than any alky in this room. And I've talked to other friends that have had it too so I know that it's there. And I found it within myself and it was there before seven and a half years and it will probably be there again. And it comes out real subtle sometimes. I don''t know if they do it out here but in Southern California they do birthday cakes and it''s a big thing, right? And you'll get up to take a cake Take 5, 10, 15, 20 years, whatever. And someone in the back of the room will say, How did you do it? It's real subtle. Sometimes it's not so subtle. Sometimes it is me taking the credit for what I have been giving and now this is something that I deserve and I have earned and I am in the denial of the grace of God. It's no longer a free, undeserved, unearned gift which is what grace is. It's now something I have earned. And words start to filter into my vocabulary like I have rights. Now that I'm... And I deserve now that I am... I mean, here's the paradox for me. I had to do a lot of work in the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous to find out it's none of the work I've done in the12 StepsofAlcoholicsAnonymous. And it took a know-it-all like me to do a lot of work to find out that it was none of that. Now, that doesn't mean that wasn't important. That doesn't means that that wasnít one of the things. That means that at various times in these ten years, I have worshipped every finger that points to God that there is in our program. And by that, I mean this. When youíre new, you come in and you hear 90 meetings in 90 days. Well, you go to meetings, read the book, Get a sponsor. Work the steps. Be of service. And at various times in my sobriety, I think, you know the thing in the Sistine Chapel, the finger that points to God and they say in the church, don't worship the church. Worship what it points toward. Well, at various time in my sobriety I have worshipped the fingers of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have worshiped a sponsor, he now lives about a thousand miles from me. Does he keep me sober? Are there times when he's not there? I've worshipped groups do they really keep me sober or have I met people just like me that have walked out of a group out of the church with 10,000 phone numbers in their wallet fresh out of them made a phone call did everything they could and drank so here I am I'm new and I'm going to 90 meetings I do more than 90 meetings in 90 days because I'm an alcoholic if one a day is good three is better right I did all these meetings readings, reading the book. I thought I had a sponsor, thought I was working the steps. And during those 90 days, I saw people that were reading the Book more. You know, those guys that can recite how it works, but they have no connection to what anything they're saying means, right? I knew guys that spent more time with their sponsor than me. I met guys that went to more meetings than me, I met Guys that work these steps and forgot a few simple things like they weren't the ones doing it. I watched him drink again. And I went to my sponsor. I said, He said, I thought you told me that going to meetings, reading the book, working the steps, getting a sponsor and being of service were what were going to keep me sober. He said no dummy, we were just in hopes that going into meetings, reading the books, working on the steps and getting the sponsor and being of services would get you in touch with a power that will keep you sober. And I started to look at what these things point toward and focus on that rather than worshipping the finger that was pointing. Because I think this book, these steps, a good sponsor, a group, a meeting And meeting and being of service is to find and seek and serve God. And I lost my attachment to the fingers. Bill wrote a lot about breaking the unhealthy dependencies in AA. Now, some people have to leave AA to do that. The people I know have been able to get free of the superstition and strange fixed ideas in AA, in AA AA. I remember getting a crazy idea one day. I was only about a year and a half sober, and I was close to my sponsor. He was right down the street, and I was at the group every week. And I woke up one day and my head told me, or maybe it wasn't, it said, Joe, you need to go somewhere where there's no AA by yourself, no return ticket, bracket, no one in AA with no Alcoholics Anonymous. And I went before I saw my sponsor. I shared this at a noon meeting and there was half the room that said that stinking thinking you're setting yourself up to drink. I told my sponsor, he said, great idea. You might really find something out because I'd been doing a lot of traveling and I always went with somebody in the program. I always called the program I loved going to meetings out of state. and I always had a return plan and reservations and hotels and everything. He said, check it out. He said you've done what's necessary to recover. God either is or he isn't. And I went to Mexico three and a half weeks on the beach no AA by myself with no plan of when to return home and realized something. Six weeks later I'm in Montreal. 55,000 alcoholics. and they do an opening meeting in the Olympic Stadium and a closing meeting in the Olympics Stadium and all during the rest of the week it's all these about ten different, like ten state conventions in ten different hotels. And I'm walking through a hotel one day and I see a room like this and a sign outside with the name of the meeting that said, Loners Internationalists of AA. And I thought, what in the world are loners and internationalists? And I went in the meeting I heard about five or ten speakers talk about staying sober and what AA meant to them in places where they don't have the luxury of the things that I think are keeping me sober. A man in the Himalayas gets to come down once every five months to an AA meeting. A forest ranger up in the mountains somewhere, seven years. A guy in Alaska, 11 years, him and a big book. And they talked about this program meaning to them a personal relationship with a power greater than themselves. selves. Another time I was living in Los Angeles, so it was in the last six years, I went to Jamaica. One group, two meetings a week, and they're discussing the first tradition. The group, the common welfare of the group comes first. Personal recovery follows close behind. Unity depends on that. And I was going to enlighten them on what we in the West do. and I for some reason shut up and I listened to this man who started the group and he said, you know we don't just bring newcomers to our group right away until we find out they're serious or not and I thought, my God where I come from we have 2,000 meetings a week and we get the new man and we bring him to our groups and I didn't say that and I listen to the man and he says, you now there used to be a man in Montego Bay who was always in and out of our group and we'd take him in and we bring him back to the group and we try to heal him and he'd drink again. In and out, in and out in and one time he went out and he went all over Montego Bay telling people that we use voodoo medicine mind control voodOO stuff and it almost destroyed our group and we learned to spend time with new people and find out if they're serious before we bring them to the group that's more important than even they are. not that they weren't spending time with them they were spending time they opened a hospital for those people and I thought hmm, that's interesting and experienced that tradition in action I sometimes do things to my group that I take for granted and don't put their common welfare first I don't puts the unity of that group first First, so here I am confronted with three basic questions. One we find that we use from the doctor's opinion at the top of page 23, and it has to do with what happens after I start to drink. This physical craving, this physical aspect of alcoholism. The basic question would be, why do you drink so much every time you start drinking? or do you lose control over the amount once you start? And I find a way to use that material the best way I can and I try to search that material because you won't find much about the craving past page 23. And I tryと search that материал for the right questions and I trуy to answer those questions experientially rather than just here. And then we find that from 23 to 43, we look at the mind of the alcoholic, this thing that happens before the first drink. I remember when a man took me through an exercise when I thought I knew what alcoholic insanity meant. This word that we throw around a lot, alcoholic insanity. And he says, He says, Joe, make a list of the ten craziest things you ever did. So I guess if you were new today or anybody that would like to, just real quickly, whatever comes to mind, think of the 10 most insane things things that you as an alcoholic ever did. So I make this list, armed robbery, boom, boom all the way down and every one of them is drunk. And he shakes his head and he said, son, I'll bet you ten thousand dollars right now that I can show you that the most insane thing you ever did, not number five, not number eight, number one, the most most insane thing you ever did was with nothing in your system, bone dry, further away from your last drink than you'd ever been at your very best. And you know what he did for me that night? He brought me out from behind the bottle. You know that old excuse we love to use that you're pissed off you can't use anymore after you've been around for a while to apologize to someone? Oh, honey, I was drunk. Now you have to say, well, I'm ten years sober in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and let me tell you about the petty little lies that I told you. I'd rather make amends for armed robbery than the petty little things I do sober. Because he brought me out from behind my oldest excuse and I saw the most insane thing that I've ever done was to pick up the first drink 28 days out of the Michigan State Penitentiary further away from my last drink than I'd ever been, I commit the most insane act. And that's alcoholic insanity. I was at a meeting one time in Sheridan, Wyoming in a detox center. And the leader of the meeting had seven and a half years and everybody else were patients and there was me, the guy that brought me and an American Indian man. And the lead of the meet who was seven and half years wanted to talk about he wants to drink. And after about 30 minutes of that I think everyone in the room wanted to drink, right? And I wanted to drink. And they called on me and I said something and they called on the other guy he said something and they said before we close the meeting would the friend from the reservation like to share? And he's got one of these voices really calm and peaceful and about two words he had the attention of the whole room and he says he's shaking his head and he said you know because everybody was talking about the crazy stuff they would do if they got drunk he said you know You know, I've heard a lot today about the crazy stuff you think you'd do if you got drunk and alcoholic insanity. He said, But I heard one time about a man who walked into a bar and ordered a shot of whiskey and a glass of beer. And he left the shot of whisky, but he drank the beer. And then he ordered another shot and another beer, and he drank them both. And he did this all night long. And at the end of the night, the bartender says, I'm really wondering why you left that shot of Whiskey. He said, well, some people in Alcoholics Anonymous told me if I didn't take the first drink, I wouldn't get drunk. And he says, and I think there's more to the insanity of alcoholism than that. Thank you very much. And the whole room was just floored. So when confronted with those three basic questions, why do you drink so much once you start? Why do you always drink again every time you've stopped? And can you on your own manage your life? my ego wants to keep the problem out here. Why do I drink so much when I start? Well, I go through the thing. Her, them, this, because I felt bad and they break it down for me. Didn't you do it when she stayed? Didn't she do it? When you felt good, didn't you? And I see that my admission, this admission, I thought to admit meant to give something up. I think the definition of admission that works for me is to let in. Right, it said on our program that you need a badge to be admitted to the conference. Or you go to a movie and it says, Admit 1. I believe this admission is about letting truth in. And I come to this admission about what happens to me once I start to drink. And I comes to this admition that regardless of circumstance or my emotional nature, feeling good, bad, at the top in the penthouse, on Skid Row, doesn't matter where I am, regardless of circumstances or my emotion, my emotional state, I can't seem to stay stopped. And then you get to page 44 and they say that in all this work you've done up to that point they hope they've made clear the distinction between the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic and if they haven't they repeat the same two things again that they hope you're convinced of before you getto page 44 that all those pages were to find out only about these two things. If when you honestly want to you can't stay stopped entirely entirely. And when drinking, you have little control over the amount. You're probably alcoholic. And I found out they spent all this time in different ways for different people to relate to finding the right questions. Sometimes they use stories. Sometimes They'd make point blank statements. Sometimes THEY say it in a real sneaky way. Sometimes THEY say it flat out. All those pages we're talking from the doctor's opinion to the top of 44. That's about 54 out out of 164, which leads me to believe that those two admissions about what happens when I start to drink and what happens every time I stop drinking are pretty important, to convince me, to help me see, to help мне concede to my innermost self that I can't keep myself stopped and I can'T control it once I start. So I have a body that craves more, that shouldn't have alcohol in it, and a mind that consigns me to put it in my system again. I am powerless over over alcohol. And we took that part of the first step in two parts, body and mind. Now, I've been told by people that have been doing this a lot longer than me that in that statement, if when you honestly want to, you can't stop entirely or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount. And also in other places in this book, there's what they call drunk traps, where if you're working with somebody who's looking for a way out or they want to fight you, they'll They'll always go to the one word. So I guess the question would be, what do you think the one word in that statement would be if somebody wasn't convinced about both? They weren't sure about one or the other that they would go to to fight you with. They will always go to the word or and they'll say, see, it doesn't say you have to have both. It says you only have to have one or the other. Well, the great news for those people is that if you can control if you keep yourself stopped. stopped. Just make up your mind never to drink again, but don't go on with this. Or if you get the obsession, but you don't get the craving, next time you get the obsession just drink the way you want. It isn't or, it's both. Because if I didn't have the obsession I would never drink again and I would make up my mind to do that and I would be able to dothat. Or, if I get the obsession but I don't give the craving next time I get obsession just Just drink the way you want with control. So, or is a great drunk trap. But then they make a statement that if turned into a question, I've seen people have to consider more than looking at the craving or the obsession. And that is, do you believe you're suffering from an illness that only a spiritual experience will conquer? Do I really believe that? And I've worked with men and women who have had no trouble seeing the craving. They have experience after experience after experienced where they would lose control over the amount once they would start. They have no trouble seeing the obsession because every single time they ever stopped, they drank again. Really have to make some considerations. Do I really think this is something? Not only an illness, but do I think it's an illness that only a spiritual experience will conquer? Maybe there's the right woman. The right job. The right amount of money. The right number of people. The right therapy. The right sponsor. The right group. Maybe there is something other for me to keep me sober other than a spiritual experience. And that's a valid consideration at that point. Then they present where once you've admitted that, that I really suffer from something that only a spiritual appearance will conquer. Then they say, faced with that, there's really only two alternatives, nothing in the middle. You're either going to go on the best you can, die an alcoholic death or live on a spiritual basis. And they say these two alternatives are not easy to face. And one time through this work, I asked myself, why aren't these two alternatives easy to face? And what I realized was is because they're the only two and I can't pull off either one. I failed at dying an alcoholic death. I couldn't even do that. I just kept living, feeling the way I was feeling and living on a spiritual basis. There's the next pertinent question. Can you self-will your own spiritual progress? And if I could, wouldn't I be doing a lot better at 10 years than I am? them. So those two alternatives at this point, at 10 years, were not easy to face because they're my only two. I can choose one, but that doesn't mean I can make it happen the way I would like it to. And then if that isn't enough, they assume you've chosen that to live on a spiritual basis. You see how each link of the chain begins to fit and they're all kind of wrapped up here as far ours, powerlessness on page 44. If I can't control the amount once I start and I can t seem to keep myself stopped and I really do suffer from an illness that only a spiritual experience will conquer and there s really only two alternatives for me and I ve chosen one of those, then they go on to say if all you needed was a code of morals or a better philosophy of life, many of us would have recovered long ago. And I have actually heard people in AA refer to AA as a set set of principles that I can incorporate in my life? My God, we weren't raised by animals. Are there really any principles in this program we weren t told as kids that we would have loved to live up to? I ve also heard people say AA is a set of steps that I ca n incorporate in my life. It says here, and if we can agree on one thing, that those things, the steps and the principles are codes of morals and better philosophies for living. It It says right here that if a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome alcoholism, you and I would have recovered long ago. That we couldn't will these things with all our might. The needed power isn't there. And then it tells me the main purpose of Alcoholics Anonymous is to show me how to find a power greater than myself which will solve my problem. The main purpose. Right there on page 45, it gives me the mean purpose of this program. It gives me the main purpose for my life. It gives Me the main Purpose of this Whole Deal. Only if one thing's true, though. Only if lack of power is really My problem. If I have the power to control booze once I start to drink it, or I have The power to keep Myself sober, or I Have the power To manage My life, then lack of Power is not My dilemma. dilemma. My friend always used to say, you know when lack of power is a dilemma for an alcoholic? When you want to do something. I need to find a power by which I can live. It doesn't say quit drinking. It says I need to find the power by Which I Can Live, obviously, and it has to be a power greater than myself. But where and how are we to find this power? Well, that's exactly what this whole deal is about. out. Its main object is to enable me to find a power greater than myself, which will solve my problem. I love what Joe and Charlie say about that statement. You know, they say it doesn't say its main object ist to enableme to find apower greater thanmyselfsoicansolvemyproblems. It says the main objectistooenablemetofindapowergreaterthanmyselfwhichwill solve my problems. There's a big difference. Ilove when you see somebody think they submitted committed themselves to the first five steps and then they get to six and seven and they make a list of their defects and then their sponsor tells them what order to work on them and they think they're working on their defects. They have been enabled to find a power greater than themselves so they can solve their problems and they become judge, jury, and executioner. You see people in a long time in six and seven, they are not working six and Seven if they're alcoholic. I think that'll be the day hey, anybody like me removes their defects or shortcomings. I think those are the steps where maybe God's supposed to do something. And you want to know what those people are doing when they're a long time in 6 and 7? They're doing everything they can to keep from doing 8 and 9. And if you wantto know the exact moment when you've done 6 and7, I can tell you the exact movement that you'll know when you're done 6and7. When you have a piece of paper and a pencil and you're making a list of those you've harmed and becoming willing to make amends to them all. I believe in my heart of hearts that there is an experience at each step, but I believe the real miracle of each step is in the action of the next. And when someone like me, with all this knowledge, can say a simple prayer and be taken past what he thinks he knows and come to a full concession, although it's been at different levels each time, to fully concede to my innermost self at ten years that I'm an alcoholic and what that really means to me now with this many years was a little different than the first time I did this work. So you come to it where you are. It meets you. It meets You where you Are. This should be as relevant to you as it is to me. Any of these propositions, no matter how long you're sober. You come to this concession about the truth between you and booze. And some of you, if it's happened today even a little bit, even just confronted with these proposutions, some of you have maybe experienced a little bit of tension. If the experience begins to happen, you will begin to experience a tension. It is that tension you follow through to the second step and through the work that turns into pure power. It is the tension that you follow and it's that tension that's meant to be created from these propositions if they're true for you. If they're not true for You, they should produce some freedom. Now there's been times when they've produced both. but the reason to move on. I do not go to the second step out of virtue because it's a wonderful, lovely thing. My friend always says, you can't go to The Second Step in a good mood. I remember the first time Paul and I met and I asked him a specific question which I had seen people turn into from what he wrote there in that page, 449. And I asked them, People tell me I need to accept the first step. That I am powerless over alcohol and that my life is unmanageable. He says, if that's so acceptable, why would you go to God? He says he was glad he came to things within himself on a regular basis that were unacceptable. I do not accept this. This is why I'm here. I can admit it. I can concede to it. That doesn't mean it's okay. OK, I move into the second step because this condition of powerlessness and unmanageability has become once again absolutely unacceptable to me. That's why I go to God. And if you think that's not enough, then they take you to the middle of page 52 and they take it through each area of your life. To see the unmanagability, to see the spiritual malady, to sea untreated alcoholism. And I think those three terms are the same. I think that untreated alcoholism is the unmanageability. And I think unmanagability is the spiritual malady. And I don't think those things are because of anything outside of me. We were talking at the break and I remembered a woman that I heard one time. And she said, on my first birthday, I said that I was an alcoholic because of my husband, my kids, my car, my job, my boss. And a man came up to me and said, maybe you'd want to consider this. She went through the steps. And on her second birthday, she had the same job, the same kids, the same car, the same house, the same boss, the same job. And they weren't why she was alcoholic. She was alcoholic because of this stuff that we've covered. On her fifth birthday, she was saying, my life is unmanageable because of my kids, my car, my job, my boss, my husband. And the same man came up to her and said, is it possible you're selling this power short and you're in denial? And she went through the steps again and her husband didn't change. Her kids didn't change. Your car didn't change. Your job didn't change. Her boss didn't change. And her life wasn't unmanageable anymore. And what she found out about that was that it is nothing out here that makes my life unmanable. It is my reaction to it. And they take me through this paragraph. And I have found several ways of looking at this paragraph to get in touch with this tension about the unmanagability. But what it basically does is it takes you through each area of your life and they should be as relevant to you no matter how how many years sober, as they were to me this tenth time. How are you really doing with personal relationships? Now when you're new, it just has to do with on your own power. Can you make personal relationships happen the way you'd like them to? Can you control your emotional nature? Can you take a step back and say, can you make misery and depression disappear? Can you makes a living that's satisfactory to you by itself? Can you mak uselessness disappear? Can you made fear go away? can you make yourself be of real help to other people? I go through that on my own power. How well do I do with those things on my own power? Then, to bring it back to booze, look at the idea when looking at page 52. If each of these areas was exactly the way you wanted them to be, would that be enough to keep you sober and I go back to my life when they were the way I wanted them to be and I still drank? That brings me back where the unmanageability is directly connected to boozed. Because my mind starts to convince me, and there's one statement back a few pages that we didn't cover, that sums up every problem I've ever had sober. And that's a pretty strong statement to make. There is a statement in More About Alcoholism that we here in Southern California read at every meeting that sumsup every single problem I have ever had since I've been sober. And that is the delusion that I am like other people presently. because I start to think my trouble with dishonesty, my trouble with relationships, my trouble with my emotions, my trouble with my selfishness, my trouble with my fear has nothing to do with me fighting booze because I'm now like other people. But if I'm an alcoholic whenever I'm fighting any of those things I'm not fighting alcohol because I am an alcoholic and behind my dishonesty is a drink, behind my fear is a drunk, behind what I do in relationships is a drank, behind my selfishness, etc., etc. So we bring that unmanageability right back to what it's really about. Then the one that gets me every time, for those of you that have been around, you can't say this to a brand new guy because he hasn't had experience with this power. He hasn't Had experience with disgrace. But the one That kills me as it did this year is how well are you really doing with each of these areas with the power and the grace of God God, that you've been given up to this point. What do I do? And I begin to experience this tension that's created from truth and the admission of it. And I move into this need for power to be taken beyond where I am. And I'm confronted with the first, second step consideration. Do I now believe or am I even willing to believe that there is a power greater than myself? If you're new, that's enough. I mean, sometimes for when I was new, it was just a big step forward to have some kind of willingness. Now, if you've been around for a while and somebody was to ask you now, after all these years, how much do you believe? And you could measure it and you say this much or if one of the which are the hardest people to work with when they're new. if you get a believer. I love this analogy and this man that I know that's worked with more alcoholics than anybody I know tells it and it has to do with three types of people of all the people he's ever worked with that approach the first step. He says, first of all, there's the bigot. And the biggot comes to this whatever the question might be with knowledge and he knows. He either knows that he is or he knows that she's not. He knows that He isn't. It doesn't matter. Same scale, different end. He knows and what the bigot is filled with is contempt prior to investigation. Contempt without any consideration. He knows. He said, then there's the man that's the hardest to work with and that's The Pious Man. The Pius Man doesn't know. The Pias Man, he believes. And he usually uses God to justify it. He's the nodder and the shaker. He's one of those who's the one in the bar between a Democrat and a Republican in major trouble. He's the one you can tell by the last person he talked to. Now, there's a little bit of the bigot and the pious man in all of us. He said, then there's the man of consideration willing to look at both sides. Maybe I am. But you know what? Maybe I'm not. And he says that place comes from a place when you're put in the middle willing to looking at both sides. You can't see it from either end. And it is only in the Middle that you can receive grace to move beyond where you are. It doesn't mean you can't continue to receive grace on either end. You can receive grace to stay where you're at. But to move past where I am, I must be placed in a position in the middle, willing to look at both sides of every question. So when confronted with the question do I really believe and I say this much. Even in the height of my ego after ten years I can't really take the credit for some of this so I believe this much much. And what I find that chapter does is another paradox, just like the paradox to the first step in the admission of no power, you receive power. And in the other paradox, maybe if you look at your not that maybe you're not, you might find out you really are now in the second step. I think to come to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. I need to go home and see how much I believe and what the chapter actually does is helps you see where you don't believe so you can come to believe. And what you think is this much is slowly torn down, pieced by... Well, isn't this much of it about your mind? And the one I love that I'm big on is worshiping the God of reason. Didn't we ourselves worship the God of reason? That's when I think that what I think is the be-in-all and the end-all. The zero... I mean, the alpha and the omega. Nothing goes any further than I can think. There's nothing beyond what I know. There's no way I can be taken beyond what I feel or what I do know until I begin to experience that prayer about putting aside what I think I know. And I find myself wondering about things that I thought I was sure about. That's what that prayer does. So here I am thinking that I believe this much if it was measurable and they say, well, isn't this much of it about people and sentiment and things and money and yourself? And you're 10 years sober and you make this consideration. Do I really believe or am I even willing Willing to believe that there is a power greater than myself that can really move me beyond where I am with each area of my life on page 52 and then go to each of those areas and face my agnosticism? This long sober? So what I found from that is that for those of us that have been around for a while, came to believe doesn't always mean more. It sometimes means less than what I think it is. And sometimes what I come to this with this much after all these years is really only about this much and it's really only just willingness when confronted with the right questions. And they say, boy, that's a great place to start with a guy who thought he knew so much. Who thought so much had happened that you're really open to thinking that you could be taken beyond where you are with relationships to levels of peace and freedom and existence that you can't even imagine? With your emotional nature? With freedom from alcohol? With making a living with money, finance, health? you're really willing to face that you're willing to believe this power might take you further than where you are that God isn't finite that he isn't measurable in any area that this isn't it when your ego is trying to tell you this is it this is all there's going to be with this area or this area because if it isn't then God isn'T everything he's finite he's measurable this is IT but if I'm willing to believe that God can take me beyond where I am I am, regardless of where I am. That statement should meet me where I am. If I'm willing to believe I can be taken beyond where I am, then I get to make a choice. My first second step went like this. God is either everything or I'm screwed. God either is or I isn't. Now, to me, 10 years later, to make this second step choice, this second major proposition in that chapter, how does a guy like me get taken to a place by just admitting or being shown some truth in the first step and just with a little bit of willingness that he couldn't even muster up on his own how does he get taken into a place where he gets to choose about God? God is either everything or He's nothing. God either is or He isn't. What is our choice to be? Now, the funny thing about that is that each time I come to this proposition it's new. It's a new proposition. It's anew, let's say, container that I get to go to the well with. So there's a proposition there. I've gone to the Well 10,000 times. After all these years, how many times have I gone to The Well and gotten more than I ever dreamed of? Maybe that's it. Maybe I've had mine. Maybe this is it. Maybe I'm not. Maybe I have arrived. Maybe there is no more. Or maybe there's levels of peace and freedom in existence and making a living in finance and personal relationships and emotional nature that I can't even imagine. And what I find out is each time I've come to this, God is either everything or nothing, I'm the one that's gone with the container of my own size. First time I went with a thimble and I got more than that thimple could hold, but by the time it overflowed and I realized that all that was left was just about what it could hold. the second time the stakes were a little higher I had a little more stuff I was a little more scared I was a little more awake and I went with a coffee cup and that coffee cup was overflowed by the time I realized it was overflow it only had about as much left as it could hold next time I came with a quart jar faced with this proposition and moving through the rest of this work and it overflowed but it's always been my container and it's always been my conception of everything Thank God they say if any of us could fully define or comprehend that power, which is God, it's impossible. What about coming to the well with a container that has no limits? What about really going for it? This American Indian guy this year asked me, was I willing to sacrifice? Was I willingto give up? Was Iwilling to let go of everything I've done and everything Ive experienced in the last ten years? and that was a hell of a proposition. Especially with the good stuff. Real easy to give up the... What did Bill say in the 12x12 that I love? My human best, or where I've been brought after all these years can actually at this stage turn into the enemy of the very best that God has for me. That the good can hold me back because that's my... I've set the standard and I come to this proposition. And then a few pages later they answer the very question that they posed on page 45. Where and how are we to find this power? And that seems like a good question to ask when someone is confronted with lack of power, whether it's physically, mentally, or spiritually. Whether we're talking the craving, the obsession, or the unmanageability. Faced with those three parts of my disease and this need for power and my willingness to believe that this power can really do something And having made that second step choice, it seems like a good time to find out, well, then where and how am I going to find this power? But if you don't need any power, you're not going to be open to finding out where it is. But if You are, and they probably assume if you've gotten to page 55 that you're convinced of everything up to it, they tell you exactly how and exactly where to find that power. And they say that how to do that is to search fearlessly, and where to fine that is deep down within. in. And it is only there that God can be found. Now, that doesn't mean that God doesn't come to me through people. But thank God, some of the people God was coming through, they said to find it myself within because that's where it was coming from. Because at three o'clock in the morning when there ain't nobody that God's coming through around and there ain'T no phone, the phone's out of order and there Ain't no God coming through the phone and you ain'T got a meeting to run to. The idea that there is a place within ourselves where we we can experience God regardless of circumstance or emotional state is an amazing experience. If you were to ask me today with all honesty, what would you rather give up than anything in the world? There is nothing in my life that I wouldn't give up to keep and maintain a quiet place within myself where I can go. Because if you have that, if you're broke, you can be at peace. You don't always have to change to change the outsides, to be at peace. There is a place within myself when my head is going a million miles an hour where there's peace. There isa place withinmyself when things are a little crazy as far as circumstances in my life where there is peace. And they talked about finding the great reality deep down within. So, when confronted with the question, why do you think God's working in your life? My ego wanted to do the same thing that it did with with why do you think you're an alcoholic? And at seven and a half years, when confronted with the question, why do You think God's working in your life? I automatically went to... I turned into the guy that's at the meeting who says, I know God's work is in my life because there was a parking place just for me outside of the meeting. Right? Or to be so self-centered to think that out of everyone on the highway that day, God made it rain just for Me to slow down. Right? Or look at how great things are in my wife. I went to circumstance again. And someone said to me, do you think there's a place where God can be when circumstances are a little bit crazy and things aren't going the way you want? What are you worshiping? Things going your way or God? And I saw that I was worshiping circumstance and I was basing the reality of God being in my life on how things were going. But what about when things aren't doing really great? We all have that. So then my ego shifted up on me and said, I know God's working in my wife because I feel good good most of the time. And my friend says to me, what are you worshiping? God or your emotions? What about a place where God can be when you're not feeling really great, when you really need him there? And I started to get free of circumstance and emotional state having anything to do with this admission and this experience of why I say to you, God's working in my life. It is something that when you experience, you just know it's like the difference between what you thought it would be like to have an orgasm the day before you had one and what it was like when you knew the next day what it would be like to have one. You know on a level that isn't... I mean, I've been listening to this man for the last year named Joseph Campbell from a series of videos. And he's not talking about Alkies. He's talking about people on a spiritual path. And he says, you know, those of us on this path, we really only get to talk about the third most important stuff. And I was reading a magazine or something That kind of caught my attention. Because I like to think that we, or that I, get to talk about the first most important stuff, don't we? He says no. We on this path really only get to talk about what we want to talk about the third most important stuff. He says the first most important stuff you can't put into words. How do you describe your experience of looking at a flower or a sunset or the sea or the presence of God? The second most important stuff are only our our words that we're using to describe the first most important stuff and you always lose somebody in the translation. So, we get to talk about the third most important thing And I understood that. Because I would like to think the first more important stuff takes place up here. Or some of us like to think the first most important stuff is how we feel. And as long as you're focused on how you think or how you feel, you're stuck in two dimensions that don't work for me. me. Can I live from a fourth dimension that Bill described? Is there a place other than mind, body and emotion? Is THERE A FOURTH DIMENSION? Well, there's a fourth part of my disease. I'm not only physically, mentally and emotionally sick, I am spiritually sick. So there must be a place where there's spirit, where I can live from, where what goes on with my body, where What goes on with my emotions, where WHAT goes on WITH MY MIND, with what I can do with 10 and 11, with where Where inventory comes from with my ability to do this, where I can sit when somebody asks me a stupid question in my living room that I'm working with. Where can I go to get those answers or that peace or the ability to doing this? Or the ability of doing this or the inability to change? It all comes from spirit. Not from my head. Not from how I feel. Not from the physical realm that we live in. The idea that there... And there, this chapter happens to say, that there can really be a God personal to me. is where some alcoholic's mind will absolutely snap shut. Blocked by obstinacy, prejudice, sensitiveness, pomp, circumstance. Can't be for me. He might say that's true for him, but I doubt it, but I don't think there's any place like that for me and they beg me to get past that prejudice so that set aside prayer was as valuable in the second step as it was in the first step I remember going to Don one time and saying something about it. It was either something really good or something really bad. When you're new, it doesn't really matter. But when I went to him and I said, you know, I don't feel like I deserve this. He said, thank God if everyone in these rooms got what they deserved, we'd be sitting in empty rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. He said I don' t think this is about justice. I think this is a matter about mercy. And I choose a conception that works for me. We've seen it work through other people. We've come to believe in the futility of life as we've been living it. And I make this choice. Everything or nothing. Choose God or not. The scary thing about that is I think there's only two things and I think they're the same. There's only 2 directions to head. and I think there's only two forces and if you're an alcoholic they're probably the only two forces and they're possibly the only directions you can be headed in at any time and Ithink those two directions and those two forces are either booze or God and Ithink at any given moment I'm headed toward one or the other and I think taken to a place in the middle of the second step I get to choose which direction I want to head and can be given the power at the next proceeding steps to move toward Lord, whichever one I've chosen. You can do that consciously. You can choose out of this and slowly head toward your next drink without even knowing it and begin to make decisions that might set you up for your next drink way down the road. I think it's silly sometimes when we hear people say the reason so-and-so drank is because he quit going to meetings. That means that meetings keep us sober. And I've checked it out myself. I have gone to people who stopped going to meetings before they drank. And every single one of them stopped doing and decided a few things way before they stopped going to meetings. I met a guy who at 23 years drank, and he said he began his journey to his next drink at 17 years. And it took till he was 23. And I think at this place, I get to choose what do I want? What do I need? And what do i want to head for? And then I get to decide. And that's what the next step is all about. I remember when I thought and I was sitting in North Denver, Colorado before I started this work. So it was in my first five months. I remember saying something like the old shuffle. I don't know if any of you have ever done it, but when I was doing the shuffle, it went like I turned it over and I took it back and I turned it over and I took it back. And this old guy looks at me and he said, Son, why don't you shut up and sit down? That didn't necessarily feel good. I thought your job was to do whatever was necessary to make me feel good, especially my sponsor. And you go to him and you say things like, I feel unworthy and insecure. And his eyes light up and he says, You want to know why? I said, Yeah, I've been looking for the answer to that for 12 years. He said, do you want to know why you feel unworthy and insecure? I said, yeah. He said because you're unworthy and insecure. And I think that's so simple and it's not heavy and it is not Freudian and there's no one to blame. And I'm sitting there in North Denver doing the AA. I turned it over I took it back. This old guy says and I drank enough alcohol to shut up and sit down. I'd like to think sometimes that God got me to AA And I don't care to debate whether he kept me alive or not. I believe he did. But I wasn't just a healthy, well-adjusted human being walking down the street one day thinking that it would be a nice thing to go to AA. I think alcohol had a little something to do with me getting to AA, right? There's some places in AA nowadays where they don't want to talk about the two most important things. They don't wanna talk about booze and they don' t wanna talk abou God. My God, what else is there for us? when you really come down to it. Whether we're talking unity, recovery or service. It's either one or the other for me. So here I am doing the AA shuffle. This old guy says, if you're still doing that, you haven't turned it over. And I learned to ask the second greatest question I've ever learned to answer. I said, what do you mean? And if you are new, I'll really screw it up for some of the old timers around here. If you are knew and you hear some of these slogans thrown around or somebody says something, if you're still doing that and you haven't turned it over, ask them what they mean. You'll find out something real interesting in AA. I'm not going to tell you what you'll find now, but you'll found out something real interesting. So I said, what do you mean if I'm still doing this and I haven't turned it over? He said, there's a difference between a decision and a commitment. I said what do you mean? He said well, if you told someone to go sit in the corner and pray for ham and eggs and they decided to do that and they went in the corner and prayed for ham and eggs and then just They'd probably starve to death. But if you told someone to go sit in the corner and pray for ham and eggs, and they decided to do that, and they did that, and they got up and made one hell of a commitment and you showed them how to put one foot in front of the other, they'd probably eat ham and legs. And I said, what do you mean? He said, there's a difference between the decision at the third step and the commitment that follows. I said what do mean? He said well, it's like a chicken and a pig walking down the road and they come to a big sign on a church that says help feed the poor. And the chicken's all pumped up with virtue because he likes to do nice things for people. And he says to the pig, gee, we ought to do something about that hunger problem. The pig says, well, what in the world could we do about that hungry problem? The chicken says, we could feed those poor people ham and eggs. The pig had a little more sense than I did when I took the third step because he said to the chicken, for you that's just a simple decision to lay some eggs, but for me that's one hell of a commitment. Because we're talking about my life. But until I became convinced of three pertinent ideas and my need for power, until I become convinced that I really am an alcoholic and what that means to admit that, physically, mentally, spiritually, I'm an alcoholic. And I cannot manage my own life. And that takes place in here too. And probably there's a drunk trap. See, it says probably I'm going to be the exception. I'm gonna find a human power that can relieve what I suffer from. There's a drug trap or maybe I'm convinced that probably no human power can relieve what I suffered from and I'm willing to believe that God can and will. That was a big one for me. I knew that he could by seeing what happened in your lives. Will He for me as I am? That I had to spend a little time with because I'm the guy that thinks you've got to clean up to go to God. Can He really take me asI am with mud on my face, with all this that I've seen so far, let alone what I'm going to see before I get to six and seven? That God can and will if He has sought. And have I decided to seek God? Maybe this is a good time to decide out. Maybe this isn't what I want to do. Maybe I have the sufficient power to manage my life or keep myself sober or both. Maybe I'm not willing. But, if I am willing to believe that God can and will if He has sought and that no human power can relieve my alcoholism and that I really am an alcoholic who can't manage his own life and I suffer from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer because I can't keep myself stopped when I stop and I can't keep myself under control once I start. And I truly believe I suffer from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer. Not only every link in the chain fits forward, but every link is a link to the future. Every link in this chain fits backwards for why I'm doing this. Then I'm at step three. Once I'm convinced and it says being convinced. Then I was really pissed off because there was a requirement in our book to take the third step. and I've been to a lot of meetings on the third step in a town where there are lots of people doing this work and no one ever said or I never heard that our big book says there is a requirement to take the third step. And that is the first requirement is that I be convinced that my life run on self-will can hardly be a success. And I wasn't convinced of that and they give me a page and a half that helps me become convinced of them. And to this day I don't like this page when I'm in self-will because when I am in self will these two pages absolutely describe me to a T probably more than it besides maybe page 52 and the stuff about drinking I don' t think there is any two pages in this book that describe me when I' m off when I´m into self will than the description of the actor who wants to be the director I mean I´ m not only so self centered I want to bethe actor the focus of everything I want to be the director also. I want to arrange the lights, the ballet and the scenery the rest of the players in my own way if only you would stay put. I have an ego that believes if you do as I wished not only would I be happy but you'd be happy too. Then they throw three little things in those pages that they haven't brought up yet. Because I guess they're really only apropos when we're looking at me running my life on self-will. Because you see, if an alcoholic can be successful at running his life on his will, why would I want to decide about turning my life run on my will over to anything? So this is to convince me about where my life runs on my own will gets me. It talks about even when my motives are good. Nothing better, nothing harder to see in every inventory I've ever written than stuff I do with good motives to just run over people. Oh, I only wanted you to be sober. Well, I didn't want to be sober, right? You interfered with my drinking. Nothing worse than an alcoholic with pure motives running it on self-will. Even when my motives are good, even when trying to be kind, Even in my best moments, I'm a producer of confusion rather than harmony when I'm running my life on self-will. So do I meet that requirement? Am I convinced that my life run on self will can hardly be a success? Then there's one that I'd like to come back to when we get to the fourth column of the resentment inventory. inventory. I think up to this point, not that there aren't some further on, I think up to This point, the greatest statement of hope in The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous is on page 62. And you can either do one of two things with it. You can either with your ego, which is a mask and it'll convince you that you're a rotten, terrible, lousy person and you'll beat yourself up with this statement, which Is just ego. I always thought ego was It was me thinking and telling you what a great, wonderful person I am. I also found out the ego can do that in another way by making me the worst, sickest, no good in the room to separate. Either one separates me from you. What about just being one of the guys or a man among men? Or a man amongst women? Or a male among alcoholics? Just one of those people. One of the guy's. It's either better or worse. I want to be somewhere here. The only place my ego doesn't want me is the only place God is. And that's here, now, in the moment. It wants me yesterday, tomorrow, five hours from now, five months from now five weeks from now ten years ago the stuff I did in the past no wonder we need to make amends to be here the only place our ego doesn't want us which is the only places God is here and now right here in the momento And I think the greatest statement of hope up to this point on page 62 is that our troubles are of our own making. Thank God. I come to this statement, like the guy who's been sober forever and he's on his deathbed. God forbid. And he looks up at his wife and he says, Honey, after all these years I've realized something. She says, what's that? And he says well, you know you were right there that time I got shot and you stood by me. And you were right there that time I lost all our money in business and you stayed with me. You stood by Me. And you was right there that time I had a stroke. You were right There. And you stood By Me. And you've always been Right There. And you always stood By me. And after all these years, I've realized one thing." And she says, What's that? He says, You're a jinx. And I heard that and I thought, you know, that's how I think. It's always her or them or it or that. Remember them? You never really knew quite who they were, but they were always there, right? Them. They're after me, right. The greatest statement of freedom is that my troubles are of my own making. Thank God, because if they are of your making, I'm screwed because you're either going to have to change, get well, or see the light for me to get free. See the light in my terms means my way. Then, I didn't know that the third step was just a decision. I have actually heard people, and I have absolutely believed myself at times when I was new, that taking the third steps was turning your will and your life over to the care of God. I've taken the third step next day I'm at a meeting I've turned my will and my life over to the care of God well why would they have nine more steps it is but a decision to turn my life run on my will over to the care of God biggest mystery of all in AA nowadays and I didn't know before this experience that the third step was just a decision then I thought okay, it's just a decision. They told me the chicken-pig thing. I got it. It's only a decision than doing the prayer