Family of Origin Sent Me Walking for Beer Before I Could Read the Label – Kim A.

Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers meeting at the Nava Club, where the member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. This meeting is based on a passage from 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership in a clear-cut of idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aabloochipspeakers.org desperately in need will hear our speaker, and we believe that it's only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall say, I mean, shall be persuaded to say, yes, I'm one of them too, I must have this thing. Okay, so I'm going to get to introduce from the Turned and Lost and Found group, and she's a very good friend of Lisa's. I'd like to introduce to you Kim A. Hi, I'm Kim. I'm an alcoholic. And I was thinking about, you know, how I got to AA. And I could tell that story a lot of different ways. My alcoholism affected my relationships with people, my relationships to money, my relationships to the world around me, my family. My daughter. But I thought, you know, I would talk a little bit about some of the significant relationships and how they revolved around alcohol. And I just want to say that my family drank a lot. And the reason I tell you that is because alcohol was not a big deal in my family. Everybody drank it. They drank a lot of it. They did not know that it wasn't a great idea to have their children walk for beer. I mean, my dad was proud of that, that I walked for beer. And my sister walked for beer, and I witnessed that. And my brother. And so, again, it wasn't a big deal. Alcohol wasn't a big deal. And so I did have to stop drinking. When I went to school, I guess, because I didn't drink again until I was somewhere around 12 or 13. And I remember drinking some beers, and I don't really remember what happened. But I didn't drink again until I ran away from home, and I ran away from home when I was 14. And that's when relationships. Really started to get out of hand. And I had my first boyfriend, and he was a drinker and a user of substances. And that relationship didn't work out. And then I had a lot of other, you know, relationships where we bonded over the substances that we were using and the drinks that we drank. And I met my father. And I met my first husband and the father of my daughter in a bar. And probably nobody remembers the Crystal Palace, but I remember the Crystal Palace. And he was there. And I saw him. You know, he was across the room. And he needed me. He needed me. He needed my help. And so I came in and I saved the day. And he didn't have a working car, but he did have a car. So that was new. And he did have a driver's license. And my sister and I would say, we're not getting anybody else unless they have a car and a driver's license. And we, you know, he hit the mark. His car was broken down, and I used my car to tow him around 285 with a chain. So, you know, I think I would have been around 19. And we got married, and I had my daughter. And for whatever reason, when I got married, I didn't have a car. I didn't have a car. I didn't have a car. I didn't have a car. I didn't have a car. I didn't have a car. I didn't have a car. I didn't have a car. When I got pregnant with my daughter, I got really serious about her. And the only thing I can say is God took care of that. And I stopped drinking, and I stopped using other substances. But it's important to me to note that my husband and me, we drank the same. We used the same. We were the same person. And when I quit all that, he did not. And a lot of crazy things ensued after that. I'll just tell this one thing. And when I was in labor, well, he would go out partying at night, not come home, take all the money out of the checking account, and then checks would bounce. And I would go to the bank, and I would beg him to pay my checks, and I would come up with the money, and I'd get it all straightened out. And the whole thing would happen, you know, again two weeks later. And so... When I went into labor, we had just gotten our tax refund, and I was in the car in labor. He goes in to cash the check, and they would not cash it for him because they knew of all the things that were happening, and they had to come out to the car and verify that I was there. And I don't think banks do that stuff anymore, but they did at that time. And so our relationship was crazy. And my daughter was born, and I divorced him, and I really didn't drink a lot again until she was about 10. I did go out every now and then, and the interesting thing about that is I would get a babysitter for the weekend. I didn't get a babysitter for overnight. I got a babysitter for the weekend, and I did that probably four or five, maybe six times during that, you know, I don't know, six, seven, eight-year period. And then I got married again, and for a number of reasons that that relationship didn't work out. We both drank the same. And then the last relationship that I had, we drank the same. We used other substances the same. And that relationship... It was actually a really, really good and loving relationship in the beginning. We'd been friends for a long time, and we got worse and worse and worse. And we were throwing each other out of the house and locking each other out, and he would be in and I would be out, or I would be in and he would be out. I would rush home and lock all the doors and screw all the windows shut. I mean, I screwed the windows shut. I had to keep him from coming in. And then I'd let him back in, and he'd unscrew a window. And it was just like a big game. And it was crazy. And when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, when I finally gave up, by the time I gave up, I had lost, you know, my house, any vehicle I ever had. I'd already wrecked, I don't know, four or five, six vehicles. I don't know, it doesn't matter, four or five, six, something like that, a lot of vehicles. And my house had been repossessed. I no longer had a job. And I was unemployable, and I was picking up scrap metal with the truck that my dad gave me, and I was selling scrap metal. And it was kind of convenient because they were selling what I was buying at the scrapyard, like everybody that was doing what I was doing, they'd be at the scrapyard. So it was just like, you know, hey, we got it going, you know. So I didn't really realize it just got worse by increments. I didn't even realize how bad it was that I didn't have, first of all, I tell you, all of my belongings out of a 2,500-square-foot house was jammed into, you know, this probably 800-square-foot duplex, and it was built up on all the sides, and I would just stand there and go, I don't know how I got here. And we had no power, no gas, no water, and it was midwinter. And I was still going to the scrapyard, trying to get $5 so I could get enough gas to go to the scrapyard to get what I needed, to get some more gas, to go to get scrap, to go to the scrapyard, to get some more, you know, it was just on and on. It was like somebody put my whole life in a blender and hit frappe, and it was just one homogenized piece of crap every single day. And so I went to my sister's house, and my sister lived in Sonoy. I was in Clayton County, and I went to my sister's house. And I used to go to my sister's house, and I would go there, and bring a few changes of clothes, and I would use her washing machine, drink up all her coffee. She would usually give me $20, and I would buy Chick-fil-A, and, you know, I would take what I would call a hell break. And I would just go over there and take a break from hell for three or four days or a week and sleep the whole time and get my crap together and go back to Clayton County. And I don't know how many. I don't know how many times I did that, but at some point, the boyfriend and I were on the outs. The night before this night, I was in and he was out. And I had screwed the windows shut, and there was an air conditioner, a window air conditioner in the front window, and it was off the ground probably this high, but he was six foot tall. And I'm standing in the living room. I know he's out there, and I start seeing that air conditioner move, and I went, oh, uh-uh. And I went, and I grabbed the screw, the cordless drill, and when he pushed that air conditioner through, I was looking at him like, he's here, I'm here, and I'm looking at him. And I just went, boom, and I put the windows, you know, pulled the curtains, and I didn't really realize how funny that was at that time. I was serious, and he did not get in. But the next night, he was in and I was out. I went to the scrapyard, and he got in, and I was out. So I spent that night in my car, in my truck with my dog. And I just couldn't do it anymore. I didn't have it. I woke up. I had no money. I had no cigarettes. I had no food. I had no other substance, nothing. I had nothing. And so I went to this girl's place who, she was living in a shed behind her parents' place of business. And I told her I didn't have anything, and I needed $5. And she gave me $5. And that, I don't know if y'all know this, but that don't really happen, you know, when you don't have anything. When you don't get the, the dope dealer don't give you $5. But she did. She gave me $5, and I, I drove to my sister's house, and I didn't go back. I just didn't go back. And I don't really know how to, how that happened, except that I think God just picked me up and put me there, because I would wake up, I would sleep on the couch, and I hadn't slept in probably five years anyway, so I needed a nap. And so I'd lay on the couch. I would lay on the couch, and I would wake up, and I'd just be like, oh, I can't get up. And I'd get up, and I'd go make a cup of coffee, and I'd lay back down. And I would do that several times a day. And my sister would come home from work, and she'd go, you want me to change your phone number for you? And I'm like, no, I don't want you to change my phone number. And, and I don't know how long that went on. And when I say my sobriety date, I'm really not sure what the date is, but I think that it was January the 8th of 2011. It's, that's a good, that's within two or three weeks of, you know, when I got sober. Hell, I don't know. I have no idea how long I did that, because every day, and my sister would come in and say, you know, do you, do you want me to change your phone number? And I just couldn't understand why she was on the phone number thing so bad. And people were calling me and, you know, asking me for stuff, and if I wanted to go scrapping, if I want to go to the scrapyard, and I just either didn't answer or said no. I don't know how that happened. And one day, she came in and said, I just want to get you a new phone. And I said, okay, just get me a phone. I said, I don't care. You can just change the number. You don't have to give me a new phone. She's like, nope, I'm getting you a new phone. So she brings me a new phone. It was the first smartphone I had. And I don't know if y'all had this problem, but when you're in that situation, like, everybody's phone number changes all the time. It's like, you know, you're like, yeah, I had to get a new phone, you know? Like, oh, okay, what happened? I have a friend that was trying to get sober, and I'm like, I had, you know, ten phone numbers for her. And I was like, God, where they're going? Oh, but that had started to happen to me. So big deal. I got a new phone number. Well, the interesting thing is that I've had that same phone number for the last 12 years. I've not found any need to change my phone number. So that's a gift of sobriety. And so anyway, I started to feel a little bit better. And I knew that because I would wake up around nine. Nine, maybe 930, and I would go to the kitchen, I'd make a cup of coffee, and I would turn on, I would watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians every day. And I hated that show, but I just liked to sit there and be mad at it. So I would watch that every day, and then I started going, you know, if I'm going to be here every day, I should do something, you know? So I got the vacuum cleaner out. And I would get up, and I would, you know, vacuum this square carpet, and I'd just be like, oh, God, I can't do that anymore. And I would lay back down. And then, you know, I'd watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians, and a commercial would come on, and I'd do another square carpet. You know, eventually, I would just get up and vacuum. And one day, my sister came home, and I don't really know what happened. My dad had given me that truck, and it was... I had it, but I was really kind of afraid to leave the house. I just didn't really leave. And one night, she came home, and that truck was in the shop. I guess I'd been somewhere, because I broke down. And she came home, and I said, you know, if I'm going to stay here, I'm probably going to have to go somewhere like AA. Oh, and I forgot to say that when I first came there, she let me stay. For however long, you know, and one night, she said, look, I got... And my family had substance abuse issues. She's, you know, had many problems herself, so it's not like she didn't understand. But she said, look, if you're going to stay here, I cannot have you bringing anything here because of my daughter. You know Jimmy, her husband, her ex-husband, he will take her. And I said, I know that. I know that. I want you that. And so that was the other reason. I never wanted to leave. Because I didn't want to, you know, risk that. And so anyway, she came home, and I said, you know, if I'm going to stay sober, I'm probably going to have to go somewhere like AA or NA. It just sounded like hell to me. And I had been to AA. A judge had sent me to AA. And an attorney had sent me to AA on a separate incident. And an incident. Yep. I broke it. Caught a charge. So anyway, I knew about AA, but I thought I probably needed to go to NA since that's what was happening, you know, at that time. And so I went to this NA meeting in downtown Newman, and it's hilarious because I walked in late, disturbed the whole meeting, explained why I was late, told them my whole life story, and they were kind, and I sat down, and I sat through that meeting, and I was going to leave, and there was this guy on the front porch, and he said, you know, there was an AA meeting right after this meeting. And I was like, yeah, I don't really know which room I should be in. And he's like, well, sit down. So I sit down, and I talk to him, and he was telling me, it doesn't really matter, you know, you can just stay for the AA meeting. So I did. And that was it. That was an 8 o'clock meeting, and, you know, generally, I've found that 8 o'clock meetings have more newcomers in them, or at least they did at that meeting. And they cussed a lot, and I liked that. And they told dirty jokes, and I liked that. And nobody, you know, went, when I told them some of the shit I did, and I liked that. And so I, and they bought ice cream. And I hadn't eaten in five. I hadn't eaten in five years either, so I liked that, you know. And so I'm like, yeah, I can do this, you know. And so I started coming to that meeting, and going to, going for ice cream, and they started telling me about eating meetings, and I was down with that, you know. I started going to all the eating meetings, and that was good. And I went to the noon meeting in downtown Noonan. And that started, like, every day was this noon meeting. And I was like, huh, I got to get up. I got to be up by 10. I got to get a shower. I live, you know, 30 minutes away from this meeting. But I would do it. And that started getting me really prepared to wake up and deal with my life. And people were talking about sponsors. And I, I kind of knew that meant that somebody was going to tell me what to do, and I didn't like that. And I was just about to ask that guy to sponsor me when I found out that you really are supposed to get females with females. I mean, you know, I don't, there's, I'm not saying there's a rule, but I heard that, and I understood why that was, and I was like, well, shit. He is not, not him. And I think, you know, it was some time before I got a sponsor, and he invited me to the meeting down in Turin. He also invited me to a meeting at a church where they had food on Tuesday, and, and I got my first sponsor at the Turin meeting, and I really, I really didn't want to do any of that, you know. She would, she, I would go to her house, and she would tell me a lot of stuff that really didn't make a lot of sense to me. She would give me, you know, some readings to do, and tell me to go home, and, you know, read, read whatever, and, and then she asked me to take her to get the cast off her foot, and I did that, and when I did that, she had to get in my truck, and she told me that it was an alcoholic truck, and that I needed to clean it up. And I did not like that. I didn't like that at all. And she told me not to call her back and make an appointment until I got my truck cleaned. And she did say, you know, this is going to give you some self-esteem, but I didn't hear any of that shit. All I heard was, you're telling me what to do, and I don't like it, and I fixed her. I made an appointment with her before I cleaned my truck. And so, I'm on my way to her house, and I'm passing the car wash. And I'm like, I mean, I could go do a little something. So, that's what I did. I went and did a little something, and I went on to her house. And I don't know what exactly that is, except that it was just that much willingness to do something. And, and I totally wasn't willing to do any of that, but just little bits at a time, I did stuff. And, and what I started to figure out was, I didn't know what to do. She told me to call her every day, and what I started to figure out was when she was going to be busy. And that's when I would call her. And she wouldn't answer the phone, and I didn't leave a message. And, and she saw me at a meeting. I don't know how long it had been since I talked to her. But she saw me at a meeting, and she just walked straight up to me and said, honey, you're going to need to find a new sponsor. No explanation. No, no, no. Nothing. And I was like, well, you know, I, I will find a new sponsor. I need a new sponsor. So, I did find a new sponsor. And it, it didn't really take that long. And I'm sure that was so contrary to her plan that I would find a new sponsor. But I did. And that sponsor turned out to be the person that was. Sponsor me for the next six years. And the relationship that I had with her is probably the first really honest relationship I, I really had with anybody. Not, it wasn't just about not lying. It was really about allowing her into my life to, it was about. Sharing with her and listening to what she had to say. Even if I didn't necessarily agree with it. I did start to learn that she did a better job than I did of dealing with my life. And, and I miss her. She, she died. I don't know. I should know how long. I think four years ago. And that was really hard. And, uh, but I stayed sober and I was able to, um, I was able to help her, um, when she was dying and, um, you know, God's shown up in my life and in so many ways, but anyway, back to, um, I started going to that noon meeting and, uh, I started talking, I started looking for a job and, uh. I don't know. I was like eight months sober. I had started going to that meeting, that eating meeting at the church. The guy who I had was going to ask to sponsor me had invited me to attend that church. And I started doing that. And, um, I started praying. Um, I mean, I started praying pretty early on because my very first sponsor told me to do that. And I wanted to do that. It seemed like it was easy enough to do the minimal amount, you know, you know, I could be in my room and say, you know, keep me sober or whatever. Thanks. And, uh, appreciate it or whatever. And, uh, but I had started doing that. And so I started going to that church and I started, um, I started applying for jobs and I couldn't get a job. I felt like I couldn't get a job. I don't really know how hard I was trying. I don't even, I don't even. Um, my sponsor told me to make a resume. So I did that. And, uh, I was sending it out and nothing was happening. And I remember, I remember I'd been to that church and that the service on that day was, um, about, you know, God wants to know everything you can tell him your, um, about your life, your fears, your happy, you know, the good things that have happened. Just everything. Just talk to him. And I had, uh, I had started to walk every day. I had my dog and we had been asleep for five years, you know, I mean, uh, for a year and I started to walk my dog. And, um, so I got to where I would walk with him and pray. And so on this particular day I was praying and I was telling God that I thought that I might not ever get a job, that maybe I was, you know, stupid. And I couldn't do anything and maybe I was too old and maybe I, you know, I was just had all these thoughts and, uh, and I didn't know if my resume was any good and I don't know all the stuff I was thinking. And that was on a Monday and my friend in a, a called me on a Wednesday and said, um, are you still looking for a job? And I said, yes. And she said, do you have a resume? And I said, yes. And she said, do you have a resume? And I said, yes. And she said, well, send it over to this guy right here and, um, and then see what happens. So I send it to him. He calls me on Thursday and I interviewed on Friday and he hired me on the spot, but I couldn't start working. It was like before New Year's was like the day or two before New Year's. I'd have to look back. And so I started working on that. That Tuesday following New Year's of that year. And, um, I started working for $10 an hour, four hours, two days a week. So eight hours a week for $10 an hour. And, uh, my dad was giving me money and, uh, I was making it. And then he wanted me to work two days, eight hours, and he would pay me $12 an hour. So I did that. Then he wanted me to work three days and I really didn't like that, but I did it because, you know, I'd already started getting up at seven o'clock so I could get dressed, get over there and be at work by eight. I mean, totally unreasonable. And, uh, so I had already started doing that and I just really didn't want to do that five days a week. It seemed really unreasonable to me. And so, um, so he offered me more money and I lost track of what he offered. He offered me to work four days a week and I was like, okay, that's it. Four days a week, that's all, that's it. And, uh, that was in the first year and I kept my Wednesdays and then, you know, he came and he wanted me to work full time and he started, um, doing really well and I was keeping the books and I was in property management and, you know, he was really happy with me. And I was happy with the job and I could talk for a long time about all the, all the funny stuff and the mishaps that happened at that job. But he did not work in the office where I worked. He worked from home and I worked in a separate office, which is a really good thing because I was batshit crazy. I mean, real crazy. And, uh, that first year I was mad about everything. Every email that came in, every check, I was like, I don't even know what that says. Yeah. And, um, but it was really good because he needed somebody that knew how to use QuickBooks and how to get his business on, um, um, on some kind of system. And, uh, and I don't know why those memories came back so easily, but they did. Well, it really wasn't easy. I was mad the whole time and, but it did happen. And, uh, so I came. I kept that job and I worked for him, I think for five years. And then, um, then I started doing something else and I started, you know, working for myself and that's really hard when you don't really, you know, I, but I actually developed a, um, a work ethic again. And so it really isn't that hard to work. But in the beginning it was really hard to go to work. And, um, you know, I like to think about, you know, I like to think about, you know, how we developed our relationship with, with higher, with our higher power. And, you know, a lot of things happened along the way, um, that were, um, I don't know. I think, um, a couple of things and that may help me to know that, that God is there. Well, the number one thing is that I am not the kind of person that, that stays sober. I really, I really don't. I ran away from home when I was 14. I did whatever was available to me. My plan was, you know, do you want one of these? And I would go, what was it? You know, man, I don't care. And, um, and so I'm not the kind of person that stays sober, but here I am. And a lot of, a lot of shit's gone down and, uh, I just haven't drank or used over it. And, um, so that's the. The overriding truth of my life is that I'm not the kind of person that stays sober and I'm here. So that to me is evidence to God. But some other things that happened, um, I was about, I hadn't got a job yet. So I was probably eight or nine months sober. And like I said, I was, uh, my dad was giving me money. Um, he was giving me $200 a week and that was, I mean, that's a lot for somebody to just give you. And my sponsor told me that I couldn't have my sister bring it to me anymore. That I had to drive to his place of business and get the money and thank him for it. And, uh, that place of business was in Clayton County. So that put me running right through my old stomping grounds. And I would drive past the duplex down the road that I used to hang out on. And I was sitting at a red light, looking at the gambling store because that's, they, they grabbed me. I gambled and then where it's where you wait on whatever you got coming and lose your money. So that when it gets there, you don't have it to buy. I mean, you know, crazy shit. And I saw him there and I saw the cars and I know who knew who were, who was there. And I was just sitting there at that red light, looking at it and my phone rang and it was that guy that I met at that meeting. And he said, what are you doing? And I was like, uh, and I told him what I was doing. And, um, so he talked to me. That, that whole time. And I went and I got the money and I thanked my dad and I, I drove back and, um, I didn't tell my sponsor about that for whatever reason. Um, but the next week I went and I went straight down the same way. And now I've passed these people on the side of the road and I know them. One of them is the guy that scrapped the copper out of his house, his whole house, his wiring, his electrical wiring. His, uh, his, um, water, everything scrapped off. So you couldn't even hook up, uh, water or electricity to the house. And I saw him and he's going down the, he's walking down the road and I was like, yeah, I don't definitely don't need to talk to them, you know, but, and then I went, but if I did, that would be all right. Cause nobody would know. And I was like, oh God. And so I called my friend that I knew, um, that I was having lunch with every Wednesday. But. Because Steve was wanting me to work five days, but I was holding my Wednesday and I called her and I told her about it and she said that I should call my sponsor and I thought, well, okay, I'll call her. And so I called Karen and, and she said, have you ever thought about going a different way? And I was like, Eureka. No, I never thought about going a different way. I mean, you know, no, I didn't ever think about going down. You know, 85 to whatever, to 285. I never thought of that. And, uh, but you could, you didn't, you never had to pass any of that crap. I just was torturing myself every week. And, uh, so that's also how I know, you know, about God because, you know, he, he has sent so many people in my life to, um, I don't know, to, to, to help me, to keep me semi-sacred. You know what I'm saying? And this last thing I'm going to tell you about is, I don't know, it's really a little bit weird, but it's, you know, I'm just going to tell you, here's what happened. So I get mad about love. I don't know if anybody else gets mad about love, but love kind of pisses me off sometimes, you know? Um, so this particular day, now I'm sober a while. I'm sober maybe eight years, something like that. Maybe. Ten years. Hell, I don't know. Maybe it's, maybe it's last week, but I don't, I don't think so. And, um, so I started going to, I started going to yoga. And, uh, I go into yoga, and the lady at yoga, she's so sweet, and she wants to, like, pet you. Like, she wants to put her hand, you know. And I was, I was dealing with all that, and it was fine. And I'd been going for a long time, so it was, it was okay. But she started talking about love, and I was already getting pissed off. And we're doing all the, you know, all this stuff. And now it's time for Savasana, so we're all laying down. Our eyes are closed, and, you know, we lay there for however long it is. And then she reads a poem, and this poem is about love. And it is pissing me off. And, um, something else, somebody else was telling me about something about love, and it was making me mad. And just that whole day, I was just mad about it. And, uh, so I left that yoga class so mad. And I went to Kroger. And there's a young man that works in the Kroger. He's got long, uh, long braids. I don't know if they're really dreads, but they're long, maybe braids. And I guess the outstanding, the reason I remember that is because he's a young guy. Like, I'm a, I'm an older woman, and, you know, I, I just remember him being, like, he's not somebody that I think could tell me anything. You know, I guess. Of course, I guess nobody. Nobody can tell me anything. But, so anyway, I walk in there, and there's this older lady there talking to him. And I'm, I'm mad, so I don't like anybody. And I'm trying to get some apples and get the hell out. And these two are talking. And I'm just like, I don't even know what they're talking about, but it's something that I don't want to hear. And so I get my apples, and I turn to leave. And it, and it's really like time stopped. Like, she stopped talking. And you know how you can hear noise in the Kroger or any store. It's like the air can, you know, and people over in the corner. None of that was happening. And that young man turned to me, looked me in my eyes, and said, you know, love is the first law God ever created. I'm getting chills talking about it. And then he turned back to the other lady, started up talking. The whole world started up again. And I was like, I got to get out of here. You know, I just get my apples and get out, you know. And so I did. I got out of there. But whenever I think about that, and there's, you know, there are a few other things like that. But, you know, sometimes when I tell that, I'm like, you know, did that really happen? I'm telling you, it really did. Really? That guy looked me in my eyes and said that. And so when I get down, and I have issues sometimes when I get down. My daughter lives far away, and I don't like that. And, you know, sometimes getting older. It's hard. And, but I do know that there's a God. And he's with me, and he loves me. And, you know, all the things I did, and I could, I'm a big story girl. I got thousands of stories. They're hilarious, and they are tragic and comical. And, and they're good and they're bad. And so I just, I just know there's a God. And he's forgiven me for all that crazy crap I did. I mean, as I'm talking now, I just have all these stories coming in my head. And all I know is that I came to AA, and however it happened, a little bit of it, one square, a carpet at a time, you know, one meeting at a time, one terrible role at a AA meeting later, I, I stayed sober. And, and I'm really thankful that you asked me to speak. And that's all I got. All right. Thank you. Thank you, Kim. That was awesome. Thank you so much. I swear, I love, I love this movie. Was the last thing I wanted to do. There ain't no denying the pain you put me through. I thought I knew you so well. Guess I have to blame myself for letting, till I was head down. Hell bound, diggin' that hole, wound up, turned into a girl, into a liar. I didn't come here looking for the lies. I came in here running from the fire. Me talking, heartbreaker. You had me believe that you loved me. But you gave me one matching gasoline. It all happened so fast. Nothing was left but ashes. And I had to get it off the shelf. I couldn't do it. I was head down. Hell bound, diggin' that hole, turned into a good girl, into a liar. I didn't come here looking for the lies. I came in here running from the fire. I'm hurting. And it's all because of you. And I think she made me. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I've got tears in my eyes. I should be hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. I'm hurt. From the fire