Every Spiritual Book He Read Was His Ego Building a Higher Wall Between Him and Higher Power – Sandy B.

About This Speaker Tape

This recording captures Saturday night sharing at the Far Corners Spiritual Retreat, a men's retreat organized by Sandy B. in Florida. After returning from four hours of silence and a bonfire, Sandy introduces two guest speakers for 25-minute talks. The first speaker, Jim from Los Angeles, describes a powerful drug-induced spiritual experience at age 19 that left him feeling connected to everything, followed by years of failed attempts to recapture that feeling through various spiritual paths. He traces how spiritual pride and intellectual pursuit of Higher Power actually drove him deeper into isolation, self-pity, and alcoholism, eventually leading him to live a double life while drinking at work behind a closed office door.

Jim describes how his sponsor in AA, a man named Scott R., cut through his intellectualism by asking simple, direct questions about the Second Step. For the first time, Jim admitted honestly that he had been using Higher Power to inflate his own ego rather than truly believing in a power greater than himself. When they said the Third Step prayer together, Jim saw a door opening with light behind it, immediately followed by a figure slamming it shut — his ego fighting the surrender. Through working with his sponsor and attending retreats like Far Corners, Jim has learned that separation from others is a lie, that love is attention, and that his ideas about Higher Power must stay alive and changing rather than classified and controlled.

The second speaker, George from Mount Dora, Florida, shares a much darker bottom. Traumatized by a disturbing experience with a priest at Catholic boarding school at age 12, he turned violently against Higher Power and dove into alcoholism, eventually owning a bar. His drinking escalated to the point of psychotic episodes — being chased by demons, a knife fight in a mental institution, and nearly being committed permanently by the state. His mother got him released, and he turned to AA in desperation, throwing himself on his knees so hard he got rug burns. His sponsor Buck Doyle and the program slowly restored him to sanity piece by piece, like a jigsaw puzzle being reassembled.

George describes how Chuck C.'s book A New Pair of Glasses expanded his concept of Higher Power during a painful 20-year marriage that ended in divorce. He shares a remarkable coincidence where, three years sober and now a suited professional, he closed a real estate deal only to realize the other signer was the same psychiatrist who had told him AA would never work for him. Sandy closes the recording with a hilarious story about the night George arrived at a meeting in full psychotic terror, missing a car door, and Buck Doyle desperately trying to find someone willing to take George home for the night.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Sandy B. welcomes everyone back from four hours of silence and bonfire, introduces Saturday night sharing format
• 1:30 Jim from Los Angeles begins sharing — reflects on silence exercise and how love is attention
• 4:00 Jim describes a powerful spiritual experience at age 19 through drug experimentation — felt connected to everything, then couldn't integrate it
• 8:00 Jim traces how spiritual pride led to the belief that we're alone in a cold universe, giving him license to do whatever he wanted
• 12:00 Jim's daughter born on St. Patrick's Day — thought fatherhood would change him, got drunk instead; liver damage forces honesty with doctor
• 15:00 Jim's sponsor asks direct Second Step questions; Jim admits he used Higher Power to inflate his ego; Third Step prayer opens a door he sees slammed shut
• 20:00 Jim reflects on ego as storyteller, uses allergy-parasite analogy to explain how ego fills the void when survival threats disappear
• 25:00 Sandy shares a hospice story about Keith Lewis — compares the dignity of hospice workers to Marines folding a flag
• 28:00 George from Mount Dora begins — boarding school priest trauma at 12, owned a bar, psychotic episodes, state mental institution
• 38:00 George three years sober closes a real estate deal and discovers the other signer is the psychiatrist who said AA wouldn't work for him
• 44:00 Sandy tells the story of George arriving at Buck Doyle's meeting in psychotic terror with a missing car door — nobody willing to take him home