Every Old Idea Is Just a Story — and You Wrote It – Sandy R.
About This Speaker Tape
Sandy B. opens the Far Corners Spiritual Retreat in Tampa with an original prayer about missing Higher Power and wanting to come home. He explains that this annual retreat is never publicly announced — it spreads strictly by word of mouth — and is designed primarily for people with five or more years of sobriety who are actively seeking to deepen their conscious contact with a higher power. He introduces Chuck Chamberlain's core teaching as the weekend's framework: there is only one problem (conscious separation from Higher Power) and only one solution (conscious contact with Higher Power).
The centerpiece of this talk is the word "story." Sandy argues that every character defect, every resentment, every fear is sustained by a story we tell ourselves. He illustrates this with the cop pulling over a drunk driver — "What's the story here?" — and traces how we spend our lives crafting narratives designed to work to our advantage. He connects this to the Big Book itself, noting that even its subtitle calls it "the story of how a hundred men recovered." A rainy day has no emotion until we attach an adjective to it; envy doesn't exist until we narrate why someone else's yacht is unfair. The problem isn't reality — it's our perception of reality filtered through self-centeredness.
Sandy draws on Chuck Chamberlain's circle illustration — if Higher Power is everything, how can you place yourself outside the circle? — and traces the prodigal journey from childhood self-awareness through the disappointment of achieving worldly success without inner peace. He recounts his own trajectory as a Marine fighter pilot who still felt empty after earning his wings, and discusses how financial insecurity cannot be solved by money, citing lottery winners and the TV show American Greed. The solution, he says, was there all along: spiritual fuel is what human beings were designed to run on, and every other fuel produces the nagging sense that something is wrong.
He closes the first half of the weekend by describing the sponsor's role in dismantling old stories — painfully but beautifully — comparing it to art restorers peeling away a cheap painting to reveal a masterpiece underneath. He references Clancy's famous forced-amends story and identifies the sound of someone saying "okay" as the noise of spiritual willingness grinding against ego. The talk ends with a preview: tonight covered conscious separation; tomorrow and Sunday will cover conscious contact.
Topics
Timestamps
Full Transcript
Okay. Hi, everybody. My name is Sandy B., and I want to welcome you all to Far Corners.
It's a pleasure having you all here. And I'd like to start out with a prayer I put together
that may capture the essence of what we're doing here....
It's a pleasure having you all here. And I'd like to start out with a prayer I put together
that may capture the essence of what we're doing here....
Okay. Hi, everybody. My name is Sandy B., and I want to welcome you all to Far Corners.
It's a pleasure having you all here. And I'd like to start out with a prayer I put together
that may capture the essence of what we're doing here. So if we could just have a little
quiet. God, we miss you. We miss you with breaking hearts. We seem to have lost our
way and are so very lonely away from you. We want to come home to you more than our
hearts can bear. Thank you for our complete defeat. Thank you for the pain of the downward
journey. Thank you for leading us to each other and to the path of seeking you. Please
allow each of us this weekend to experience your present at a new level, and from that
to show others how to better know you. May we always be in the present moment with you.
And I just thought that would get us going. And I wanted to take a minute to describe
this retreat for those of you that, hey, George.
Every evening of the year and every weekend of this year, this one-day retreat for those
of us that are here for the first time
that are here for the first time. We don't
announce this locally in Tampa, there's no flyers, there's no announcements made at any
meeting. It is strictly word of mouth. Somehow the word
gets out to people around the country and they make a decision to come here. So we try to have different energy
then if everybody already knows each other, because you know how for many people, in their result walls they call their Lt. Mints, doe, doe, france and flandra doing all of these activities you could have others who are angry or someone like them. That that is exactly what the authority of theression himself does when they travel the world is for larry instead of trying to do that, it simply
You know how familiar that is.
Yeah, the same guys are back and all this.
And it's really designed for those of us that have been around a while,
even though some new people come,
it's more designed for people who have been here for five years or ten years.
We've got a lot of people in here with 25, 30 years
who have decided that something made them pack their bags and go off this weekend
because they're seeking to get closer to their higher power.
That's the whole deal,
is that you were motivated to come and see what you could add to your program,
what you might hear from, not just from me,
but from the other seekers that are in the room.
Because as you start having lunch and dinner and hanging out,
and we've got lots of free time,
you're going to get different ideas from others.
And where are you at? And so on down.
So we're here with a very serious purpose.
That's the one purpose.
But we still have a lot of fun.
It's kind of like AA.
It's a dead serious thing.
It's life or death.
But we have fun while engaging in life or death activities.
And that's a very great skill,
is to realize how crucial this is
and how much fun it's supposed to be at the same time.
So,
so that's kind of what that is.
Then I really don't know if they talked about the fact
that we are getting too many requests.
So we came up with a very arbitrary system for the future.
And it's going to be this.
People who haven't been here before,
who want to come, will have a priority.
They would be given first consideration.
And the first priority they would have,
the first group
of people that they would have a priority over,
are people who have been here this year and last year.
You've been here the last two years.
The second group would be people who have been here
two out of the last three years.
So once you skip two years,
you're at the top of the list again.
Do you follow what I'm saying?
So we just couldn't have everybody be able to come here
every year, et cetera.
So I'm just giving everybody a heads up.
And I know some of you are going, oh, man.
But it's the only way to get new people here.
Because experiencing this for the first time
is the most important time in my book.
So all of you that are here for the first time,
we're really thrilled that you're here.
And we hope you walk away with the feeling
you're really glad you came.
And we have a wonderful facility.
There's a path to walk with the prayer of St. Francis.
We'll have some holograms up.
Do we have them?
Okay.
They were designed, then I'll describe it for you
until you saw it.
It's to get us used to the fact
that what we're looking at on a regular basis,
isn't important.
It's what's beyond that that is really important.
And that comes from spiritual awakenings,
prayer, meditation, your own personal reading,
and seeking, working with a sponsor.
I mean, the beginning of all of that
happens in the fifth step.
When you've prepared this list,
yes, this is you.
You're the most familiar with yourself.
Anyone else?
And as you start through, and he goes,
what was your part?
Oh, no, don't you see your part was really this?
Oh, somebody else is helping you see beyond your own life
and your own defects that you wrote down
and the other people's roles and all of them.
When you get through, you go, why?
I didn't see it that way.
That's right, because you're starting
at a very self-centered spot.
And when you open your eyes, that's what you see.
But there's a better way of seeing it.
There's a deeper way of seeing it.
And all of sobriety consists of seeing things
that you didn't see before about yourself,
about the world, about God, and about everything else.
So when Chuck Chamberlain says a new pair of glasses,
that is describing spirituality as well as anything.
And Chuck is one of my favorite people.
He's one of my heroes.
And this year, you'll see that the whole program
is designed around some of his basic teachings.
And for those of you that never got a chance to meet him,
we have a very poor quality DVD
of Chuck giving a talk to college students.
So it's not an AA talk.
We don't record AA talks.
But if you come and see it,
I'm a...
monitor.
You'll just get a flavor
of his...
the engaging personality
and his ability to capture things.
And those of you that have listened to New Pair of Glasses
or read a New Pair of Glasses,
I think the books are in the back.
We are not...
This is not an AA event,
so we have our last names on.
We're not reading the preamble.
We're not doing that.
But we're all...
We have...
We have men who are in Al-Anon or AA.
That's who's here.
And this allows us to talk outside the box,
to have a whole library full of non-conference-approved literature,
which is very helpful in a spiritual program.
And normally, the door is open.
Did you...
Guy probably covered that.
And I don't know if we're going to be able to get it unlocked
so that we don't have to walk around
to go in the back.
And there's T-shirts, et cetera.
And like any other conference,
the cushion that we need comes from T-shirts.
So we sure appreciate everybody
making the spiritual decision
that they'd like to have a Far Corner shirt to wear around.
Now, Chuck had a very simple statement that he made
that is...
I just love it.
And the statement is
that there's actually only one problem.
And it includes
all the other problems.
All the other problems that you have.
And this problem
is conscious separation from God.
The perception that you have
that you are a separate entity unto yourself.
From that problem comes
fear of money,
fear of being embarrassed,
fear of not living up to it,
resentments, anger,
everything.
Everything comes out of that one problem.
And therefore,
there's only one solution
that includes all solutions
and that is conscious contact with God.
And that's what we have, you know,
sought through prayer and ministry
to improve our conscious contact.
As the contact is improved,
all our other problems
start diminishing.
And I know we work on them specifically
and you can make some progress.
But if you lose sight of the basic components
of this whole deal,
you'll spend your time chasing your tail around
after financial thing and the sexual problem
and this and this and that.
And never really get
to the ultimate solution
to everything.
Which is
seeing how close
we can get
to our own creator.
And so,
in our big book,
oh, there's the clock.
In the big book,
we have lots of descriptions of God.
And the one I like the best is,
God is everything or he's nothing.
He either is or he isn't.
What is your choice to be?
And I got two thoughts on that particular,
thing I just quoted.
One of the most important parts of that is,
what is your choice going to be?
And I'm going to give you my own theory on choice
or free will.
And this is just mine.
If it disagrees with your sponsor
and every other book you read,
I'm probably wrong.
But I still like it.
Because it helps me make a point.
And that is,
my observations lead me to think
that our free will
is limited
to one choice.
That's the only area that we have free will in.
And that choice is contained in that
thing we just quoted.
We can either choose God
and live with the results of that choice,
or we cannot choose God.
And live with the results of that choice.
If we choose God,
then we want to turn our will over to Him,
and follow His guidance,
thereby not making any more choices.
If we don't choose God,
we're going to follow our character defects.
They're going to jerk us around by our nose,
and we really don't have free choice anyway.
I mean, we have our values,
we have these.
I'm going to walk the straight and narrow.
I'm just going to be a pure husband.
Gee, that secretary is cute.
I'm just going to talk to her a little bit.
I'm not going to...
Pretty soon we're going,
oh my God, I have to lie.
How the heck did I get here?
How did I get here?
Why did I choose it?
You didn't choose it.
Lust did.
You don't have power over that.
You can't get rid of...
So you can see how we were jerked around
by the instinctual drives
that Bill talks about in step four
in the 12 and 12.
So I'm just submitting
that if we keep it simple like this,
you can see why Chuck's
description
is so simple
and so powerful.
So the question comes...
If God is everything,
if he's the whole universe,
how could I be separate
from the universe?
And when Chuck had a blackboard
or he had a piece of paper,
he always drew the circle.
Those of you that have looked in the book,
you've seen...
This is everything.
Imagine a big circle.
There isn't anything
aside from this circle.
Where do you fit
in this picture?
And we go up
and we draw a little dot
outside the circle.
That's where I am.
Well, how could I be
outside the circle
if the circle is everything?
How could I exist
in addition
to the whole universe?
That's a piece of cake.
I just make up a story
that I exist separate
from the whole universe
and there it is.
It's hard to believe
that we,
in the course of growing up,
end up with that conclusion.
And I don't know
what age it occurs.
In my kids,
this is when I saw it.
It was when they were babies
and you could give them
a toy to play with
and then you could take that one away
and give them another one
and they were looking at that.
What age?
But you'd go to take the one toy away
to give the second toy
and they'd go, mine!
All of a sudden,
this was mine.
And they became aware
of themselves
and they weren't.
And that's when the trouble started.
And they started down
what I like to call
the prodigal son
and the prodigal daughter journey.
Whatever age it is.
And we're off
and we're being filled in
on how to take this journey
and we're told
this is your life.
Nobody else is going to live it for you.
If you're going to succeed,
it's going to be you.
So you better pay attention
on how to play by the rules
and how to understand.
And so we followed them.
And the disappointment
in that game plan
that all of us were taught
generally comes
alcoholics get it sooner
but it generally comes
around middle age
when we go
owning a home
and having two kids
and being respected
in the community
sucks.
It didn't make me happy at all.
I'm still as lost
and as disappointed
and confused
what the hell is this?
Why am I doing this?
And we suddenly
are losing faith
in the game plan
that we were given.
Because the game plan
was accurate
up until one final point.
The game plan was
if you study one hour
every night for every course
that you're taking
and you do every bit of homework
and you attend every class,
and you do that.
Now when you get a job
if you work the full eight hours
and you really throw yourself into it
they're going to notice you
and they're going to promote you
and you follow it
and you go right up here.
But you had told yourself
without even realizing it
that when I do get there
I'm going to finally be happy.
And then when you got there
you weren't happy
and you were in company.
Then, and do you remember this?
It started in grammar school.
Grammar school sucks.
I mean I'm having fun here
but look
when I get to high school
that's when it's all
going to come together
and I'm going to really enjoy it.
And then we get into high school
we're still nervous
people are beating us
yeah but see those college guys
when I get there
now remember when I got in the Marine Corps
I said when I get my wings
and I'm a fighter pilot
and then I got my wings
and I was a fighter pilot
and I said they don't make fighter pilots
like they used to.
Because I'm still
nothing really
because I haven't fixed
something inside.
The whole illusion
I was looking for
was a word
that we could use
for the whole weekend
to describe this entire process
and the word was story.
And I love the word.
How many meanings
does story have?
You know what I mean?
We got a ghost story
a short story
a love story
an action story
a western story
a likely story. How about that?
And so it's just
part of everything.
It is
and the way I remember it
this is vivid in my mind
a blue light
has just pulled us over
in another unjust arrest.
We've done nothing wrong
and here he comes up to the door
and he said
okay what's the story here?
I mean what a question
to ask an alcoholic.
What's the story here?
So what do you say inside of yourself
when he asks that question?
I better come up with something good.
Right?
I better come up with something good.
Well officer
I know this is hard to believe
but about 20 miles back
I let my dog out to go
to the bathroom in the woods there
he jumped back in the car
I got driving along
I looked over I couldn't believe it
and the pin was out
if he opened his mouth
I thought it would blow the car
I was going as fast as I could
to the National Guard armory
to have him look at the
take care of this situation
and at the last minute
right before you pulled me over
he threw it out the window
and it didn't go off
and the cop says
you better have a better story than that.
Remember that feeling?
We're communicating
in stories
that are designed
to work
to our advantage
to work to our advantage
and this is done in relationships
it's done at work
it's done everywhere
we tailor
things in the form of a story
so that
it helps us
and it all began
because we're separated
because in our mind
because in our mind
it's just us
against the world
and that's
you know
there's little me
against the whole freaking world
and so I better keep coming up
with good stories
I better keep coming up
with good stories
One of the great story books
that
you and I know of
one of the greatest story books
ever written
it was written in 1939
first edition
first printing of the big book
if you go to the title page
do you all remember what that says
it says alcoholics anonymous
the story
of how a hundred men
recovered from alcoholism
and then we opened up the index
what's in here
whoa chapter one
Bill's story
and then we go to the entire
second half of the book
29 stories
of recovery
so it's
there it is
it's almost like
all reality
comes in the form of a story
I might even
submit to you
that every character defect is a story
I'm sitting here
I look over
this guy and I go
he doesn't like me
now I feel rejection
I feel afraid
I triggered my character defect
by a story
and if you look behind
anger
you look behind envy
envy just doesn't come up
unless you
tell a story about envy
to yourself wouldn't you agree that
it's not fair he has a yacht and I don't
just
the guy having a yacht and you not
having it
doesn't create envy in everybody
but when you
want to feel envy
we make up a story
that he shouldn't have it unless I have it
and we can do
that you can just take every character defect
and see
that
it's really
because we created
a story around it
and so
it comes up with
I forget how this
ends
oh
so we get back
to what we're trying
to Clancy talks about
that
it's not just alcoholism but
life is a disease of
perception
so what you see
is
is real to you
and you decide
you make
you react to it
events in life have
no emotional
they won't cause emotional
reactions unless
you put an adjective to it
the story telling for
us human beings is
I put an adjective
to it
in other words
it's a rainy day
there's no
emotion attached
to that
but I wanted to play golf
today
and so I go
this is a
rainy day that sucks
this rainy day
is awful
this rainy day is unfair
the day is sitting there
going what the hell are you talking about
what the hell am I being unfair
what are you picking on me for
the cloud came and we made some water
it come down now you're going
this day shouldn't have happened to me
I've been waiting for two months
to get a day off to play golf
and then it rains on me
that was none of that
was created by the universe
it just made some rain
one day
and you decided to turn it
into a major event
so unfair that it justified
a two week drunk
that's a powerful
adjective
to put on the
simplicity of
a day with rain
and the same thing
happens with
people at work
with our family
with politics
with the IRS
with the police department
everything
the event
has to have an adjective
ah this is more like it
now we're approving
of what just took place
but most of the time
we are saying
that the natural
unfolding of the universe
was wrong
and shouldn't
have unfolded that way
that's
monstrous self centeredness
and ego
to make a statement like that
it just shouldn't have turned
out
that there was whatever it was
and you
even can see it in
tsunamis and volcanoes
that just shouldn't have
done that to all those people
it shouldn't have happened
why would God let that happen
you see we are
everything just
happens
it's all in order
it is just
and I think our first glimpse
of that
comes as we start
turning the corner in AA
and we
start having
our first glimpses
of the other side
of sobriety
of spirituality
and we come
to the realization
that the only way this
could have happened
where we would have opened our
ego minds up to the
asking for help or to
seeking a higher power
was by
complete defeat
and we go
now that I look at
my alcoholism
I see it
in a different light
and I see that unless
I had all that trouble
I wouldn't be
where I am today
I would not be
on this
spiritual quest
I wouldn't have any peace of mind
and then you hear people
in AA saying
I'm so glad that I'm an alcoholic
first time I heard that
I thought the guy
didn't speak it right
I thought he meant to say
I'm so glad I'm sober from alcoholism
but now when I think about it
I go boy am I glad I'm an alcoholic
I never would have tried
all this spiritual stuff
I would have just dismissed it
without help
I'd still be out there
I like being in charge
I like taking credit for everything
yeah I did it
I'm a self made man
but I couldn't make it
I failed
I had to take my handkerchief
out of my pocket
and hold it up
and just surrender
unconditionally
unconditionally
how embarrassing
how low can you get
then I found out
there's something lower
than unconditional surrender
AA
I mean how
how far down can you go
I've already been in jail
I've been in the nut war
that was bad enough
but now
I'm in freaking AA
boy what if my friends find out
you remember that
it was like jeez
what does that mean
you look around you go
why would I listen to these people
they're not in my league
they're not from the right side
they're not this
and if you're from the other side of the track
why would I listen to these jerks
that went to college
they don't know anything about street smarts
boy
we never could have dreamed
that the universe
was handing us
the greatest present
a human being can get
in those dumpy little meetings
1964
couldn't have seen that
so my
if you asked me about them back then
I was telling you about them
this is awful
this is the worst thing that ever happened to me
remember saying that
this is terrible
I'm going to these freaking meetings
they're all talking about oh I'm so happy I'm so happy
I'm not happy
what the hell is this
how did I know
I was wrong
how could I have known
that all those words I was saying
were wrong
because I couldn't see
what was really happening
why couldn't I
see it
because my perception
was totally blinded
by my self centeredness
and my
storytelling to myself
and
we see it throughout the big book
one of two words
delusion
or illusion
you remember those the illusion
or delusion that we could drink like other people
has to be smashed
then it goes on
to say old ideas
have failed us nothing
old ideas
old stories
right
that's what old ideas are
I had a million of them
all the different people you shouldn't trust
all the different prejudices
all of the
ideas that
I heard from somebody else
all of those
were concentrated inside of me
and it
made me see
a world that was
painful
when I looked around it was painful to be here
god
physical pain sexual pain
pride pain it's just
god
how did I get born
into this once in a while
oh look at the nice moon
yeah but I didn't spend much time doing that
I was more comfortable with nice moon but everything else
sucks
because I
there was no way to escape the
perception that I had
and
there's no way to learn your way out of it
we have to be
led
we have to have a guide
if we're going to take the spiritual journey
we have to have a guide
and the guide
it isn't that we
walk along this way the guide
is working on
helping us see
everything differently
and as we see it differently
our story
changes
it's that simple
our story
changes
the great
analogy that has been used
I hear it in AA a lot
is going back I forget
how many hundred years ago
maybe a thousand
no not hundreds
but I think it's
about a thousand years ago
I think it's about a thousand years ago
when they thought the earth
was the center of the solar system
that was the common knowledge
and everybody they had drawings
and the whole thing
and kings and monarchs
and pharaohs and whatever
was around there
certainly believed it
because that's where they lived
what else would be the center
is the center
but as they started
looking at the relative motion
and the planets
etc it wasn't adding
up it was
the wrong perspective
and when they
advanced the idea that
all these other ideas
we've had for all these years
are wrong
they wanted to execute
the people who broke through on this
the astronomers
because this is
I don't like having to change
all my ideas
I don't like the idea that
everything is wrong
but what happened
when they finally conceded
that the sun was indeed
the center of the universe
all the formulas fit
everything was in harmony
you could explain things
it just made all the difference
in the world
and so we come against
the problem
which is
I'm the center
of the universe
I'm certainly the center
of this world
how did I get that way
well I was six years old
I walk out in the backyard
and I start looking around
I looked over there
to the south
and there was a farm and everything
and I looked over here
and there was the road that went off to school
and no matter where I looked
I was in the center
of everything I looked at
and so were you
if you just spun around
and took a 360 degree look
at the world you lived in
you were right in the middle of it
you were the center
and
being the center
when you're not the center
causes a lot of problems
it causes
perceptions to be wrong
it causes
a great deal
of conflict
with other human beings
because for some unknown reason
they mistakenly
think that they're the center
isn't that funny
I've already concluded I am
now I'm talking to a guy
who thinks he is
now there's a self-centered guy
I mean I can't believe he thinks he's the center
when I already am the center
and so
we have
a lot of conflict
wait a minute
I'm at the center first
and we
we can't find a way to live in harmony
and as long as
we stay self-centered
it'll be impossible
it'll be impossible
because it looks like
there's only so much to go around
and he's getting more than
and that's going to be bad
for me
that's what it looks like
it looks like
so financial insecurity
comes from
being self-centered
do you see what I'm saying
from where I look
I need more money
and we feel it
and we suffer from it
and we can't sleep at night
the first time
my sponsor told me
that financial insecurity
could be removed
spiritually
without any money
showing up
I sat back
like all newcomers
I was
B-R-O-K-E
broke with six kids
and I looked at him
and I said
well technically
technically
technically
maybe I could conceive
that my financial insecurity
could be lifted away
by God
I just
would rather have the money
I would rather have the money
I would like financial insecurity
to be removed
by the arrival of money
it just
put my hands on it
I can see it
it makes more sense
etc.
now have you ever
talked to people
who made a lot of money
and gone over and said
God it must be nice
to have all financial insecurity
gone
and they go oh no
I still got it
this could disappear
I'm just as nervous as I used to be
now it's all gone
well it could go
so all of a sudden
if we really get honest
we're finding
that
increasing the supply
doesn't do the job
because we can
increase the demand
at twice the speed
I was talking to Steve
about that
TV show American Greed
about where these people
have put together these deals
that are not
they're lying to their friends
and they're taking their money
and they're investing it
and they're building up Ponzi things
and they get millions and millions
and all of a sudden
they'll have seven yachts
one here
one over here
one over there
and they're looking at another one
and they go why? I don't have enough yachts
I don't have enough homes
I don't have enough
there's so much evidence
out there
that financial insecurity
cannot be taken away
by the introduction of money
and yet
everyone in this room is going
well I'd like to try it
I'd like to
just see personally
what really happens
when you win the lottery
and you see that
I remember thinking like that
boy what would I do
and then I got tired of it
but I do know
and I think
probably all of us have seen
stories about former lottery winners
it's not a happy lot
is it
families show up
where's mine
it just becomes
too much
so the solution
which was there all along
is God
so much so
that they put a warning
label on money
in God we trust
don't trust this freaking money
I'm telling you myself
I can't do it
I can't fix you
here read
and
part of us
wants to go along with that
and part of us
wants to stay over here
where we're familiar
with the story line
we're familiar with
self centeredness
there are people who get familiar
with the
the gutter
and you get
I know
I know it's miserable
but I'm used to it
it's my kind of misery
they've been in jail a long time
they get out and
I can't stand it out here
I'll go punch a cop
we get
comfortable
with the old ideas
so what does A.A. say
old ideas availed us nothing
we're going to
go right through
with a good sponsor
we're going to look at
every one of your old ideas
which is looking at every one of
our old stories
because that's what an idea is
it is a
perspective on something
and we'll see how
many remain
unchanged
it's amazing how
10 years of sobriety
20 years of sobriety
30 years of sobriety you're still finding
a better way of seeing
things
a better
perspective on
truth
because I believe that
truth is a
ever increasing
um
experience
and when I
am talking to
new people about this
I tell
them
that it isn't that they're
wrong
when I'm going to tell them
you know they say well this is what I think
and then I'll go yes
but I'm going to tell you something
that's true
but I'm going to tell you something that's more true
so you can take your
truth and add this on top of it
and you'll have something that's more true
this is
what spiritual
growth is about
when you have your first breakthrough
your first glimpse
of God
of your place or whatever
it's as true as can
be it is
bam but as you
move on you go
well this is even more revealing
and then we have
the experience of our
big book
more will be
revealed
as we
grow spiritually
they go hand in hand
and I
think Bill I don't know three or four times
he said well the answer is
more spiritual growth remember that
still more spiritual
growth still more spiritual growth
and we go
right
and then the ego goes
but we ought to get money too
we ought to get this
we ought to
and we're making a combination
deal we're going to
get some God and we're going to get
some sex and we're going to get some God
we're going to get some rock and roll we're going to get
some of this we're going to get some of that
and the combination
will be unbeatable
it's
very difficult
to put all your eggs in
one basket
and decide
to become as dependent on God
as you can
and to become
as
unselfsufficient as you
can because the more
unselfsufficient you are the more
vulnerable you are
God has to really do it
man
and that is quite a leap of faith
and of course
it starts with
the removal of our alcohol problem
and we are given
a complete
view okay you
want proof that
if you rely on God it turns out wonderful
well let's turn your
alcohol problem over
and you turn it over and all of a sudden you go
oh my God I forgot to think about
drinking last month
really how did you do that I don't know
it just happened
it just
happened holy cow
can you explain
why no
it just happened
and then you go a year two years
three years five years forty five
I've gone forty six years
probably forty six and a half
never thinking about drinking
how can an alcoholic go that long
without thinking about drinking
do you ever try to not think about drinking on your own
okay no thinking about drinking today
that's it no thinking I'm going to
think about hey Budweiser oh sorry
I'll start over again
you could probably go maybe three minutes
when alcohol is the most
important thing okay I'm not going to think
about it
and so
there is a
reality here
that isn't
real
that's what we're starting
to realize
with all these stories
and
let's see
these are more fine points
stories
generally
lead us to
understand something better
do you follow what I'm saying
they help us understand
something better
but in the
spiritual world understanding
isn't
part of the ball game
you didn't have to understand
why three drinks
taught you how to dance
you just drank them
and it happened
do you remember that
high school dance you're afraid to ask somebody to dance
and you've never had any alcohol
and somebody says
take a couple swigs of this you'll be out there
and you're going
are you trying to tell me that
there are some dancing lessons
in this small glass
and that if I consume it
I will know how to dance
yup yup
well I'm not going to do it until I understand it
you'd still be waiting
and you would still be not
believing
that there was dancing lessons
in that glass of vodka
but what happened after you drank it
and you're out there
you went wow
so you're
experiencing something
that you don't understand
and to me that's what the spiritual world
is
we experience it
and don't have to understand it
I don't have to
understand
how
my obsession with alcohol
was lifted
as a matter of fact I don't think I could explain it
I mean my best
explanation would be well I did these
stupid steps and I don't know
it just happened
that's not a very good explanation is it
but that's
what
that's how we would have to explain it
in other
words spirituality doesn't lend
itself to being
explained very well
did you try and
explain AA to your friends after you got
here and they said God you look great John
what's going on
you working out are you no well I go
to AA really
what do you do oh
God it's great it's great you ought to come with me
something what do you do well it's
like 15 of us
and we get in a room and we choose one
person to be the leader
and then they come up with a topic
you know like resentment or humility
or something like that then we all go
around the room and comment
on it it is
are you sure you don't want to come
it just transformed
my holy cow
he used to be a drunk now he's crazy
you can't but what
happens if your
friend does come maybe to your
anniversary and they
see an AA meeting
now they're telling their
friends you ought to see this thing
what do they do well
then he looks
crazy trying to explain
miracles
through logic
and so
we have
we have kind of an interesting situation
here
we were
100%
self-centered
we got to the end of
our separation
from God and the further away
we got the more unbearable
it was
we didn't know that that's why it was
so unbearable we
thought it was physical sickness we thought
it was this
but the soul
was the part that was
hurting the most
and we start learning
a little bit more about ourselves
cars
run on gasoline
jets run on JP4
or JP5
steam engines
run on wood or coal
and the
and diesels
and electric engines they all have
the correct fuel
to make them function
and if you mixed it
you started putting gasoline in a
jet and JP6
in a prop plane
or
started switching diesel fuel into
some other place things don't
function too well
because they're on the wrong fuel
human beings
were meant
to operate on
spiritual fuel
that's how they were
designed
and we were
trying to make it run
smoothly
money
and power and prestige
and whatever
now we kept
going
but it wasn't
we could tell this is not working something's wrong
do you remember that sense
that something was wrong
it was there all the time
yes great but there's still something wrong
yes wonderful but there's
still something missing
and we were told the answer
it's almost like we get to play the game
let's figure life out
that's the game
right who am I what am I doing
and when we're six we go
don't forget the answer
is God okay got it
and then we run out here and they go what's the answer
money
in other words here's the test we're
going to have to pass and they give us
the answer to start with
and we just throw that away
because yeah God could do
but I think I can do better than God does
that's what I thought
when I was flying those
jets around this is the
king of the universe you don't get me
I'm the hottest I'm the greatest
so we kept going
and
all of a sudden
we ran out of fuel
there was no
spirituality left
the connection
was down to just about
disconnected
and
that's what our bottoms were
and as
William James said
every spiritual awakening that he
studied in his book
Varieties of Religious Experience
occurred
when the human being
got desperate
and was willing as Howard told me
to accept his desperation
and that made him
desperate enough to accept help
so the journey
finally played out
sometimes we die because we just
run out of spiritual fuel
and there's alcoholics dying all over
the place
and if you went up to them and said
would you like some spiritual fuel
they would go no no
that's not my problem
that's not what's wrong at all
no no no no no
it's a long story it involves my father
and three of my wives
and they ganged up
and it's very complicated but
no I don't need spiritual fuel
I don't need that I don't need that
I don't need that
that's his story
and he stuck with it
he stuck with the story
I don't need spiritual fuel
and he's dead wrong
but it's his story
and he's sticking to it
and that's what we all did right
it's my story and I'm sticking to it
why wouldn't I want to change the story
I wrote the freaking story I'm the author
why should I have to change it
it's my story
do you see the self centeredness
this is just who I am
no it isn't
you're wrong again
that isn't who you are
that's your story
about who you are
now whether you like it or not
we're going to put some spiritual fuel
in you
because we're going to get you a mean sponsor
you're going to do things that you never thought
you would do
and whenever I think of doing things
that you never thought you'd do
I just think of Clancy
in his little routine
when his sponsor
made him make amends
you've all heard that
where the sponsor comes to the meeting
and says to Clancy
I heard you insulted that lady over there
what did you do
and he said I called her a bitch
well you shouldn't do that
well she is a bitch
well I want you to go over and make amends
and he doesn't want to do it
you can just see him
and finally he just goes over there
going against every
value inside of himself
I'm sorry
then he comes walking back bitch
but he
he went over
and did something
totally against his better judgment
totally against everything
inside of him
when I'm sponsoring people
and they are about to do that
they make my
favorite noise
I just love to hear this noise
okay
okay
that's the noise
of someone changing their mind
it sounds like
brakes squealing
and cogs
rupturing each other
it's a terrible noise
alright
now you know
they have hit
the magic thing in spirituality
I'm willing
to reconsider
I'm willing to admit
my story may be
have a few
few little glitches
in it
that's about as far as we go in the beginning
yeah my old idea is my story
maybe there are a few little things
that could use some touching up
in the sponsor
no we don't touch up
we totally destroy it
and then we put it back together again
and we start in on
that idea
isn't that amazing
what's your story on this
well I think that
get rid of that one
what do you say
get rid of that one
now do we get informed
what the new story is
somebody show it to us
and say okay
your story is okay
here's his story here
nope nobody tells us
bit by bit
it gets revealed
that's what really happens
we go over
and it's almost as if
we bought a painting
of some amusement park
and somebody notices
wait a minute
there's another painting
under this one
and they get a very careful
people who know how to restore
and they slowly take away
the amusement park
and there's a freaking
masterpiece
underneath
that could not have been seen
until we removed
this
phony one on top
so this
removal process
of our story
is
wonderful
and
I think we find
as it
the painful
and I'm wrong
I'm wrong on that
and it's painful
to have your ego crushed
but then you look up
and you see
positive results
from the pain
of ego crushing
and as Bill writes
in the 12 and 12
we begin to fear pain
less
and embrace humility
that's a great transition
but it all
consisted
in destroying
old stories
pulling your hands
away from it
so you can let it go
alright
I'll let that
resentment go
I won't kill my uncle
I'll try to understand him
but he is me
and he's the worst person
I ever met
ever since I was a little kid
just awful
god I hate him
five years later
you and your uncle
are playing golf
how did that happen
well I was willing to let go
of a lot of stories
I had in my head about him
to see what was there
and
it's just beautiful
what gets revealed
is that
we've covered
half
of the
today is going to be on
conscious separation
and tomorrow and Sunday
will be on conscious contact
so we've covered half
of stories
and we'll go to dinner
and then when we come back here
we'll cover the second half
of
dealing with our stories
and wrap it up
thank you all
okay John
It's a pleasure having you all here. And I'd like to start out with a prayer I put together
that may capture the essence of what we're doing here. So if we could just have a little
quiet. God, we miss you. We miss you with breaking hearts. We seem to have lost our
way and are so very lonely away from you. We want to come home to you more than our
hearts can bear. Thank you for our complete defeat. Thank you for the pain of the downward
journey. Thank you for leading us to each other and to the path of seeking you. Please
allow each of us this weekend to experience your present at a new level, and from that
to show others how to better know you. May we always be in the present moment with you.
And I just thought that would get us going. And I wanted to take a minute to describe
this retreat for those of you that, hey, George.
Every evening of the year and every weekend of this year, this one-day retreat for those
of us that are here for the first time
that are here for the first time. We don't
announce this locally in Tampa, there's no flyers, there's no announcements made at any
meeting. It is strictly word of mouth. Somehow the word
gets out to people around the country and they make a decision to come here. So we try to have different energy
then if everybody already knows each other, because you know how for many people, in their result walls they call their Lt. Mints, doe, doe, france and flandra doing all of these activities you could have others who are angry or someone like them. That that is exactly what the authority of theression himself does when they travel the world is for larry instead of trying to do that, it simply
You know how familiar that is.
Yeah, the same guys are back and all this.
And it's really designed for those of us that have been around a while,
even though some new people come,
it's more designed for people who have been here for five years or ten years.
We've got a lot of people in here with 25, 30 years
who have decided that something made them pack their bags and go off this weekend
because they're seeking to get closer to their higher power.
That's the whole deal,
is that you were motivated to come and see what you could add to your program,
what you might hear from, not just from me,
but from the other seekers that are in the room.
Because as you start having lunch and dinner and hanging out,
and we've got lots of free time,
you're going to get different ideas from others.
And where are you at? And so on down.
So we're here with a very serious purpose.
That's the one purpose.
But we still have a lot of fun.
It's kind of like AA.
It's a dead serious thing.
It's life or death.
But we have fun while engaging in life or death activities.
And that's a very great skill,
is to realize how crucial this is
and how much fun it's supposed to be at the same time.
So,
so that's kind of what that is.
Then I really don't know if they talked about the fact
that we are getting too many requests.
So we came up with a very arbitrary system for the future.
And it's going to be this.
People who haven't been here before,
who want to come, will have a priority.
They would be given first consideration.
And the first priority they would have,
the first group
of people that they would have a priority over,
are people who have been here this year and last year.
You've been here the last two years.
The second group would be people who have been here
two out of the last three years.
So once you skip two years,
you're at the top of the list again.
Do you follow what I'm saying?
So we just couldn't have everybody be able to come here
every year, et cetera.
So I'm just giving everybody a heads up.
And I know some of you are going, oh, man.
But it's the only way to get new people here.
Because experiencing this for the first time
is the most important time in my book.
So all of you that are here for the first time,
we're really thrilled that you're here.
And we hope you walk away with the feeling
you're really glad you came.
And we have a wonderful facility.
There's a path to walk with the prayer of St. Francis.
We'll have some holograms up.
Do we have them?
Okay.
They were designed, then I'll describe it for you
until you saw it.
It's to get us used to the fact
that what we're looking at on a regular basis,
isn't important.
It's what's beyond that that is really important.
And that comes from spiritual awakenings,
prayer, meditation, your own personal reading,
and seeking, working with a sponsor.
I mean, the beginning of all of that
happens in the fifth step.
When you've prepared this list,
yes, this is you.
You're the most familiar with yourself.
Anyone else?
And as you start through, and he goes,
what was your part?
Oh, no, don't you see your part was really this?
Oh, somebody else is helping you see beyond your own life
and your own defects that you wrote down
and the other people's roles and all of them.
When you get through, you go, why?
I didn't see it that way.
That's right, because you're starting
at a very self-centered spot.
And when you open your eyes, that's what you see.
But there's a better way of seeing it.
There's a deeper way of seeing it.
And all of sobriety consists of seeing things
that you didn't see before about yourself,
about the world, about God, and about everything else.
So when Chuck Chamberlain says a new pair of glasses,
that is describing spirituality as well as anything.
And Chuck is one of my favorite people.
He's one of my heroes.
And this year, you'll see that the whole program
is designed around some of his basic teachings.
And for those of you that never got a chance to meet him,
we have a very poor quality DVD
of Chuck giving a talk to college students.
So it's not an AA talk.
We don't record AA talks.
But if you come and see it,
I'm a...
monitor.
You'll just get a flavor
of his...
the engaging personality
and his ability to capture things.
And those of you that have listened to New Pair of Glasses
or read a New Pair of Glasses,
I think the books are in the back.
We are not...
This is not an AA event,
so we have our last names on.
We're not reading the preamble.
We're not doing that.
But we're all...
We have...
We have men who are in Al-Anon or AA.
That's who's here.
And this allows us to talk outside the box,
to have a whole library full of non-conference-approved literature,
which is very helpful in a spiritual program.
And normally, the door is open.
Did you...
Guy probably covered that.
And I don't know if we're going to be able to get it unlocked
so that we don't have to walk around
to go in the back.
And there's T-shirts, et cetera.
And like any other conference,
the cushion that we need comes from T-shirts.
So we sure appreciate everybody
making the spiritual decision
that they'd like to have a Far Corner shirt to wear around.
Now, Chuck had a very simple statement that he made
that is...
I just love it.
And the statement is
that there's actually only one problem.
And it includes
all the other problems.
All the other problems that you have.
And this problem
is conscious separation from God.
The perception that you have
that you are a separate entity unto yourself.
From that problem comes
fear of money,
fear of being embarrassed,
fear of not living up to it,
resentments, anger,
everything.
Everything comes out of that one problem.
And therefore,
there's only one solution
that includes all solutions
and that is conscious contact with God.
And that's what we have, you know,
sought through prayer and ministry
to improve our conscious contact.
As the contact is improved,
all our other problems
start diminishing.
And I know we work on them specifically
and you can make some progress.
But if you lose sight of the basic components
of this whole deal,
you'll spend your time chasing your tail around
after financial thing and the sexual problem
and this and this and that.
And never really get
to the ultimate solution
to everything.
Which is
seeing how close
we can get
to our own creator.
And so,
in our big book,
oh, there's the clock.
In the big book,
we have lots of descriptions of God.
And the one I like the best is,
God is everything or he's nothing.
He either is or he isn't.
What is your choice to be?
And I got two thoughts on that particular,
thing I just quoted.
One of the most important parts of that is,
what is your choice going to be?
And I'm going to give you my own theory on choice
or free will.
And this is just mine.
If it disagrees with your sponsor
and every other book you read,
I'm probably wrong.
But I still like it.
Because it helps me make a point.
And that is,
my observations lead me to think
that our free will
is limited
to one choice.
That's the only area that we have free will in.
And that choice is contained in that
thing we just quoted.
We can either choose God
and live with the results of that choice,
or we cannot choose God.
And live with the results of that choice.
If we choose God,
then we want to turn our will over to Him,
and follow His guidance,
thereby not making any more choices.
If we don't choose God,
we're going to follow our character defects.
They're going to jerk us around by our nose,
and we really don't have free choice anyway.
I mean, we have our values,
we have these.
I'm going to walk the straight and narrow.
I'm just going to be a pure husband.
Gee, that secretary is cute.
I'm just going to talk to her a little bit.
I'm not going to...
Pretty soon we're going,
oh my God, I have to lie.
How the heck did I get here?
How did I get here?
Why did I choose it?
You didn't choose it.
Lust did.
You don't have power over that.
You can't get rid of...
So you can see how we were jerked around
by the instinctual drives
that Bill talks about in step four
in the 12 and 12.
So I'm just submitting
that if we keep it simple like this,
you can see why Chuck's
description
is so simple
and so powerful.
So the question comes...
If God is everything,
if he's the whole universe,
how could I be separate
from the universe?
And when Chuck had a blackboard
or he had a piece of paper,
he always drew the circle.
Those of you that have looked in the book,
you've seen...
This is everything.
Imagine a big circle.
There isn't anything
aside from this circle.
Where do you fit
in this picture?
And we go up
and we draw a little dot
outside the circle.
That's where I am.
Well, how could I be
outside the circle
if the circle is everything?
How could I exist
in addition
to the whole universe?
That's a piece of cake.
I just make up a story
that I exist separate
from the whole universe
and there it is.
It's hard to believe
that we,
in the course of growing up,
end up with that conclusion.
And I don't know
what age it occurs.
In my kids,
this is when I saw it.
It was when they were babies
and you could give them
a toy to play with
and then you could take that one away
and give them another one
and they were looking at that.
What age?
But you'd go to take the one toy away
to give the second toy
and they'd go, mine!
All of a sudden,
this was mine.
And they became aware
of themselves
and they weren't.
And that's when the trouble started.
And they started down
what I like to call
the prodigal son
and the prodigal daughter journey.
Whatever age it is.
And we're off
and we're being filled in
on how to take this journey
and we're told
this is your life.
Nobody else is going to live it for you.
If you're going to succeed,
it's going to be you.
So you better pay attention
on how to play by the rules
and how to understand.
And so we followed them.
And the disappointment
in that game plan
that all of us were taught
generally comes
alcoholics get it sooner
but it generally comes
around middle age
when we go
owning a home
and having two kids
and being respected
in the community
sucks.
It didn't make me happy at all.
I'm still as lost
and as disappointed
and confused
what the hell is this?
Why am I doing this?
And we suddenly
are losing faith
in the game plan
that we were given.
Because the game plan
was accurate
up until one final point.
The game plan was
if you study one hour
every night for every course
that you're taking
and you do every bit of homework
and you attend every class,
and you do that.
Now when you get a job
if you work the full eight hours
and you really throw yourself into it
they're going to notice you
and they're going to promote you
and you follow it
and you go right up here.
But you had told yourself
without even realizing it
that when I do get there
I'm going to finally be happy.
And then when you got there
you weren't happy
and you were in company.
Then, and do you remember this?
It started in grammar school.
Grammar school sucks.
I mean I'm having fun here
but look
when I get to high school
that's when it's all
going to come together
and I'm going to really enjoy it.
And then we get into high school
we're still nervous
people are beating us
yeah but see those college guys
when I get there
now remember when I got in the Marine Corps
I said when I get my wings
and I'm a fighter pilot
and then I got my wings
and I was a fighter pilot
and I said they don't make fighter pilots
like they used to.
Because I'm still
nothing really
because I haven't fixed
something inside.
The whole illusion
I was looking for
was a word
that we could use
for the whole weekend
to describe this entire process
and the word was story.
And I love the word.
How many meanings
does story have?
You know what I mean?
We got a ghost story
a short story
a love story
an action story
a western story
a likely story. How about that?
And so it's just
part of everything.
It is
and the way I remember it
this is vivid in my mind
a blue light
has just pulled us over
in another unjust arrest.
We've done nothing wrong
and here he comes up to the door
and he said
okay what's the story here?
I mean what a question
to ask an alcoholic.
What's the story here?
So what do you say inside of yourself
when he asks that question?
I better come up with something good.
Right?
I better come up with something good.
Well officer
I know this is hard to believe
but about 20 miles back
I let my dog out to go
to the bathroom in the woods there
he jumped back in the car
I got driving along
I looked over I couldn't believe it
and the pin was out
if he opened his mouth
I thought it would blow the car
I was going as fast as I could
to the National Guard armory
to have him look at the
take care of this situation
and at the last minute
right before you pulled me over
he threw it out the window
and it didn't go off
and the cop says
you better have a better story than that.
Remember that feeling?
We're communicating
in stories
that are designed
to work
to our advantage
to work to our advantage
and this is done in relationships
it's done at work
it's done everywhere
we tailor
things in the form of a story
so that
it helps us
and it all began
because we're separated
because in our mind
because in our mind
it's just us
against the world
and that's
you know
there's little me
against the whole freaking world
and so I better keep coming up
with good stories
I better keep coming up
with good stories
One of the great story books
that
you and I know of
one of the greatest story books
ever written
it was written in 1939
first edition
first printing of the big book
if you go to the title page
do you all remember what that says
it says alcoholics anonymous
the story
of how a hundred men
recovered from alcoholism
and then we opened up the index
what's in here
whoa chapter one
Bill's story
and then we go to the entire
second half of the book
29 stories
of recovery
so it's
there it is
it's almost like
all reality
comes in the form of a story
I might even
submit to you
that every character defect is a story
I'm sitting here
I look over
this guy and I go
he doesn't like me
now I feel rejection
I feel afraid
I triggered my character defect
by a story
and if you look behind
anger
you look behind envy
envy just doesn't come up
unless you
tell a story about envy
to yourself wouldn't you agree that
it's not fair he has a yacht and I don't
just
the guy having a yacht and you not
having it
doesn't create envy in everybody
but when you
want to feel envy
we make up a story
that he shouldn't have it unless I have it
and we can do
that you can just take every character defect
and see
that
it's really
because we created
a story around it
and so
it comes up with
I forget how this
ends
oh
so we get back
to what we're trying
to Clancy talks about
that
it's not just alcoholism but
life is a disease of
perception
so what you see
is
is real to you
and you decide
you make
you react to it
events in life have
no emotional
they won't cause emotional
reactions unless
you put an adjective to it
the story telling for
us human beings is
I put an adjective
to it
in other words
it's a rainy day
there's no
emotion attached
to that
but I wanted to play golf
today
and so I go
this is a
rainy day that sucks
this rainy day
is awful
this rainy day is unfair
the day is sitting there
going what the hell are you talking about
what the hell am I being unfair
what are you picking on me for
the cloud came and we made some water
it come down now you're going
this day shouldn't have happened to me
I've been waiting for two months
to get a day off to play golf
and then it rains on me
that was none of that
was created by the universe
it just made some rain
one day
and you decided to turn it
into a major event
so unfair that it justified
a two week drunk
that's a powerful
adjective
to put on the
simplicity of
a day with rain
and the same thing
happens with
people at work
with our family
with politics
with the IRS
with the police department
everything
the event
has to have an adjective
ah this is more like it
now we're approving
of what just took place
but most of the time
we are saying
that the natural
unfolding of the universe
was wrong
and shouldn't
have unfolded that way
that's
monstrous self centeredness
and ego
to make a statement like that
it just shouldn't have turned
out
that there was whatever it was
and you
even can see it in
tsunamis and volcanoes
that just shouldn't have
done that to all those people
it shouldn't have happened
why would God let that happen
you see we are
everything just
happens
it's all in order
it is just
and I think our first glimpse
of that
comes as we start
turning the corner in AA
and we
start having
our first glimpses
of the other side
of sobriety
of spirituality
and we come
to the realization
that the only way this
could have happened
where we would have opened our
ego minds up to the
asking for help or to
seeking a higher power
was by
complete defeat
and we go
now that I look at
my alcoholism
I see it
in a different light
and I see that unless
I had all that trouble
I wouldn't be
where I am today
I would not be
on this
spiritual quest
I wouldn't have any peace of mind
and then you hear people
in AA saying
I'm so glad that I'm an alcoholic
first time I heard that
I thought the guy
didn't speak it right
I thought he meant to say
I'm so glad I'm sober from alcoholism
but now when I think about it
I go boy am I glad I'm an alcoholic
I never would have tried
all this spiritual stuff
I would have just dismissed it
without help
I'd still be out there
I like being in charge
I like taking credit for everything
yeah I did it
I'm a self made man
but I couldn't make it
I failed
I had to take my handkerchief
out of my pocket
and hold it up
and just surrender
unconditionally
unconditionally
how embarrassing
how low can you get
then I found out
there's something lower
than unconditional surrender
AA
I mean how
how far down can you go
I've already been in jail
I've been in the nut war
that was bad enough
but now
I'm in freaking AA
boy what if my friends find out
you remember that
it was like jeez
what does that mean
you look around you go
why would I listen to these people
they're not in my league
they're not from the right side
they're not this
and if you're from the other side of the track
why would I listen to these jerks
that went to college
they don't know anything about street smarts
boy
we never could have dreamed
that the universe
was handing us
the greatest present
a human being can get
in those dumpy little meetings
1964
couldn't have seen that
so my
if you asked me about them back then
I was telling you about them
this is awful
this is the worst thing that ever happened to me
remember saying that
this is terrible
I'm going to these freaking meetings
they're all talking about oh I'm so happy I'm so happy
I'm not happy
what the hell is this
how did I know
I was wrong
how could I have known
that all those words I was saying
were wrong
because I couldn't see
what was really happening
why couldn't I
see it
because my perception
was totally blinded
by my self centeredness
and my
storytelling to myself
and
we see it throughout the big book
one of two words
delusion
or illusion
you remember those the illusion
or delusion that we could drink like other people
has to be smashed
then it goes on
to say old ideas
have failed us nothing
old ideas
old stories
right
that's what old ideas are
I had a million of them
all the different people you shouldn't trust
all the different prejudices
all of the
ideas that
I heard from somebody else
all of those
were concentrated inside of me
and it
made me see
a world that was
painful
when I looked around it was painful to be here
god
physical pain sexual pain
pride pain it's just
god
how did I get born
into this once in a while
oh look at the nice moon
yeah but I didn't spend much time doing that
I was more comfortable with nice moon but everything else
sucks
because I
there was no way to escape the
perception that I had
and
there's no way to learn your way out of it
we have to be
led
we have to have a guide
if we're going to take the spiritual journey
we have to have a guide
and the guide
it isn't that we
walk along this way the guide
is working on
helping us see
everything differently
and as we see it differently
our story
changes
it's that simple
our story
changes
the great
analogy that has been used
I hear it in AA a lot
is going back I forget
how many hundred years ago
maybe a thousand
no not hundreds
but I think it's
about a thousand years ago
I think it's about a thousand years ago
when they thought the earth
was the center of the solar system
that was the common knowledge
and everybody they had drawings
and the whole thing
and kings and monarchs
and pharaohs and whatever
was around there
certainly believed it
because that's where they lived
what else would be the center
is the center
but as they started
looking at the relative motion
and the planets
etc it wasn't adding
up it was
the wrong perspective
and when they
advanced the idea that
all these other ideas
we've had for all these years
are wrong
they wanted to execute
the people who broke through on this
the astronomers
because this is
I don't like having to change
all my ideas
I don't like the idea that
everything is wrong
but what happened
when they finally conceded
that the sun was indeed
the center of the universe
all the formulas fit
everything was in harmony
you could explain things
it just made all the difference
in the world
and so we come against
the problem
which is
I'm the center
of the universe
I'm certainly the center
of this world
how did I get that way
well I was six years old
I walk out in the backyard
and I start looking around
I looked over there
to the south
and there was a farm and everything
and I looked over here
and there was the road that went off to school
and no matter where I looked
I was in the center
of everything I looked at
and so were you
if you just spun around
and took a 360 degree look
at the world you lived in
you were right in the middle of it
you were the center
and
being the center
when you're not the center
causes a lot of problems
it causes
perceptions to be wrong
it causes
a great deal
of conflict
with other human beings
because for some unknown reason
they mistakenly
think that they're the center
isn't that funny
I've already concluded I am
now I'm talking to a guy
who thinks he is
now there's a self-centered guy
I mean I can't believe he thinks he's the center
when I already am the center
and so
we have
a lot of conflict
wait a minute
I'm at the center first
and we
we can't find a way to live in harmony
and as long as
we stay self-centered
it'll be impossible
it'll be impossible
because it looks like
there's only so much to go around
and he's getting more than
and that's going to be bad
for me
that's what it looks like
it looks like
so financial insecurity
comes from
being self-centered
do you see what I'm saying
from where I look
I need more money
and we feel it
and we suffer from it
and we can't sleep at night
the first time
my sponsor told me
that financial insecurity
could be removed
spiritually
without any money
showing up
I sat back
like all newcomers
I was
B-R-O-K-E
broke with six kids
and I looked at him
and I said
well technically
technically
technically
maybe I could conceive
that my financial insecurity
could be lifted away
by God
I just
would rather have the money
I would rather have the money
I would like financial insecurity
to be removed
by the arrival of money
it just
put my hands on it
I can see it
it makes more sense
etc.
now have you ever
talked to people
who made a lot of money
and gone over and said
God it must be nice
to have all financial insecurity
gone
and they go oh no
I still got it
this could disappear
I'm just as nervous as I used to be
now it's all gone
well it could go
so all of a sudden
if we really get honest
we're finding
that
increasing the supply
doesn't do the job
because we can
increase the demand
at twice the speed
I was talking to Steve
about that
TV show American Greed
about where these people
have put together these deals
that are not
they're lying to their friends
and they're taking their money
and they're investing it
and they're building up Ponzi things
and they get millions and millions
and all of a sudden
they'll have seven yachts
one here
one over here
one over there
and they're looking at another one
and they go why? I don't have enough yachts
I don't have enough homes
I don't have enough
there's so much evidence
out there
that financial insecurity
cannot be taken away
by the introduction of money
and yet
everyone in this room is going
well I'd like to try it
I'd like to
just see personally
what really happens
when you win the lottery
and you see that
I remember thinking like that
boy what would I do
and then I got tired of it
but I do know
and I think
probably all of us have seen
stories about former lottery winners
it's not a happy lot
is it
families show up
where's mine
it just becomes
too much
so the solution
which was there all along
is God
so much so
that they put a warning
label on money
in God we trust
don't trust this freaking money
I'm telling you myself
I can't do it
I can't fix you
here read
and
part of us
wants to go along with that
and part of us
wants to stay over here
where we're familiar
with the story line
we're familiar with
self centeredness
there are people who get familiar
with the
the gutter
and you get
I know
I know it's miserable
but I'm used to it
it's my kind of misery
they've been in jail a long time
they get out and
I can't stand it out here
I'll go punch a cop
we get
comfortable
with the old ideas
so what does A.A. say
old ideas availed us nothing
we're going to
go right through
with a good sponsor
we're going to look at
every one of your old ideas
which is looking at every one of
our old stories
because that's what an idea is
it is a
perspective on something
and we'll see how
many remain
unchanged
it's amazing how
10 years of sobriety
20 years of sobriety
30 years of sobriety you're still finding
a better way of seeing
things
a better
perspective on
truth
because I believe that
truth is a
ever increasing
um
experience
and when I
am talking to
new people about this
I tell
them
that it isn't that they're
wrong
when I'm going to tell them
you know they say well this is what I think
and then I'll go yes
but I'm going to tell you something
that's true
but I'm going to tell you something that's more true
so you can take your
truth and add this on top of it
and you'll have something that's more true
this is
what spiritual
growth is about
when you have your first breakthrough
your first glimpse
of God
of your place or whatever
it's as true as can
be it is
bam but as you
move on you go
well this is even more revealing
and then we have
the experience of our
big book
more will be
revealed
as we
grow spiritually
they go hand in hand
and I
think Bill I don't know three or four times
he said well the answer is
more spiritual growth remember that
still more spiritual
growth still more spiritual growth
and we go
right
and then the ego goes
but we ought to get money too
we ought to get this
we ought to
and we're making a combination
deal we're going to
get some God and we're going to get
some sex and we're going to get some God
we're going to get some rock and roll we're going to get
some of this we're going to get some of that
and the combination
will be unbeatable
it's
very difficult
to put all your eggs in
one basket
and decide
to become as dependent on God
as you can
and to become
as
unselfsufficient as you
can because the more
unselfsufficient you are the more
vulnerable you are
God has to really do it
man
and that is quite a leap of faith
and of course
it starts with
the removal of our alcohol problem
and we are given
a complete
view okay you
want proof that
if you rely on God it turns out wonderful
well let's turn your
alcohol problem over
and you turn it over and all of a sudden you go
oh my God I forgot to think about
drinking last month
really how did you do that I don't know
it just happened
it just
happened holy cow
can you explain
why no
it just happened
and then you go a year two years
three years five years forty five
I've gone forty six years
probably forty six and a half
never thinking about drinking
how can an alcoholic go that long
without thinking about drinking
do you ever try to not think about drinking on your own
okay no thinking about drinking today
that's it no thinking I'm going to
think about hey Budweiser oh sorry
I'll start over again
you could probably go maybe three minutes
when alcohol is the most
important thing okay I'm not going to think
about it
and so
there is a
reality here
that isn't
real
that's what we're starting
to realize
with all these stories
and
let's see
these are more fine points
stories
generally
lead us to
understand something better
do you follow what I'm saying
they help us understand
something better
but in the
spiritual world understanding
isn't
part of the ball game
you didn't have to understand
why three drinks
taught you how to dance
you just drank them
and it happened
do you remember that
high school dance you're afraid to ask somebody to dance
and you've never had any alcohol
and somebody says
take a couple swigs of this you'll be out there
and you're going
are you trying to tell me that
there are some dancing lessons
in this small glass
and that if I consume it
I will know how to dance
yup yup
well I'm not going to do it until I understand it
you'd still be waiting
and you would still be not
believing
that there was dancing lessons
in that glass of vodka
but what happened after you drank it
and you're out there
you went wow
so you're
experiencing something
that you don't understand
and to me that's what the spiritual world
is
we experience it
and don't have to understand it
I don't have to
understand
how
my obsession with alcohol
was lifted
as a matter of fact I don't think I could explain it
I mean my best
explanation would be well I did these
stupid steps and I don't know
it just happened
that's not a very good explanation is it
but that's
what
that's how we would have to explain it
in other
words spirituality doesn't lend
itself to being
explained very well
did you try and
explain AA to your friends after you got
here and they said God you look great John
what's going on
you working out are you no well I go
to AA really
what do you do oh
God it's great it's great you ought to come with me
something what do you do well it's
like 15 of us
and we get in a room and we choose one
person to be the leader
and then they come up with a topic
you know like resentment or humility
or something like that then we all go
around the room and comment
on it it is
are you sure you don't want to come
it just transformed
my holy cow
he used to be a drunk now he's crazy
you can't but what
happens if your
friend does come maybe to your
anniversary and they
see an AA meeting
now they're telling their
friends you ought to see this thing
what do they do well
then he looks
crazy trying to explain
miracles
through logic
and so
we have
we have kind of an interesting situation
here
we were
100%
self-centered
we got to the end of
our separation
from God and the further away
we got the more unbearable
it was
we didn't know that that's why it was
so unbearable we
thought it was physical sickness we thought
it was this
but the soul
was the part that was
hurting the most
and we start learning
a little bit more about ourselves
cars
run on gasoline
jets run on JP4
or JP5
steam engines
run on wood or coal
and the
and diesels
and electric engines they all have
the correct fuel
to make them function
and if you mixed it
you started putting gasoline in a
jet and JP6
in a prop plane
or
started switching diesel fuel into
some other place things don't
function too well
because they're on the wrong fuel
human beings
were meant
to operate on
spiritual fuel
that's how they were
designed
and we were
trying to make it run
smoothly
money
and power and prestige
and whatever
now we kept
going
but it wasn't
we could tell this is not working something's wrong
do you remember that sense
that something was wrong
it was there all the time
yes great but there's still something wrong
yes wonderful but there's
still something missing
and we were told the answer
it's almost like we get to play the game
let's figure life out
that's the game
right who am I what am I doing
and when we're six we go
don't forget the answer
is God okay got it
and then we run out here and they go what's the answer
money
in other words here's the test we're
going to have to pass and they give us
the answer to start with
and we just throw that away
because yeah God could do
but I think I can do better than God does
that's what I thought
when I was flying those
jets around this is the
king of the universe you don't get me
I'm the hottest I'm the greatest
so we kept going
and
all of a sudden
we ran out of fuel
there was no
spirituality left
the connection
was down to just about
disconnected
and
that's what our bottoms were
and as
William James said
every spiritual awakening that he
studied in his book
Varieties of Religious Experience
occurred
when the human being
got desperate
and was willing as Howard told me
to accept his desperation
and that made him
desperate enough to accept help
so the journey
finally played out
sometimes we die because we just
run out of spiritual fuel
and there's alcoholics dying all over
the place
and if you went up to them and said
would you like some spiritual fuel
they would go no no
that's not my problem
that's not what's wrong at all
no no no no no
it's a long story it involves my father
and three of my wives
and they ganged up
and it's very complicated but
no I don't need spiritual fuel
I don't need that I don't need that
I don't need that
that's his story
and he stuck with it
he stuck with the story
I don't need spiritual fuel
and he's dead wrong
but it's his story
and he's sticking to it
and that's what we all did right
it's my story and I'm sticking to it
why wouldn't I want to change the story
I wrote the freaking story I'm the author
why should I have to change it
it's my story
do you see the self centeredness
this is just who I am
no it isn't
you're wrong again
that isn't who you are
that's your story
about who you are
now whether you like it or not
we're going to put some spiritual fuel
in you
because we're going to get you a mean sponsor
you're going to do things that you never thought
you would do
and whenever I think of doing things
that you never thought you'd do
I just think of Clancy
in his little routine
when his sponsor
made him make amends
you've all heard that
where the sponsor comes to the meeting
and says to Clancy
I heard you insulted that lady over there
what did you do
and he said I called her a bitch
well you shouldn't do that
well she is a bitch
well I want you to go over and make amends
and he doesn't want to do it
you can just see him
and finally he just goes over there
going against every
value inside of himself
I'm sorry
then he comes walking back bitch
but he
he went over
and did something
totally against his better judgment
totally against everything
inside of him
when I'm sponsoring people
and they are about to do that
they make my
favorite noise
I just love to hear this noise
okay
okay
that's the noise
of someone changing their mind
it sounds like
brakes squealing
and cogs
rupturing each other
it's a terrible noise
alright
now you know
they have hit
the magic thing in spirituality
I'm willing
to reconsider
I'm willing to admit
my story may be
have a few
few little glitches
in it
that's about as far as we go in the beginning
yeah my old idea is my story
maybe there are a few little things
that could use some touching up
in the sponsor
no we don't touch up
we totally destroy it
and then we put it back together again
and we start in on
that idea
isn't that amazing
what's your story on this
well I think that
get rid of that one
what do you say
get rid of that one
now do we get informed
what the new story is
somebody show it to us
and say okay
your story is okay
here's his story here
nope nobody tells us
bit by bit
it gets revealed
that's what really happens
we go over
and it's almost as if
we bought a painting
of some amusement park
and somebody notices
wait a minute
there's another painting
under this one
and they get a very careful
people who know how to restore
and they slowly take away
the amusement park
and there's a freaking
masterpiece
underneath
that could not have been seen
until we removed
this
phony one on top
so this
removal process
of our story
is
wonderful
and
I think we find
as it
the painful
and I'm wrong
I'm wrong on that
and it's painful
to have your ego crushed
but then you look up
and you see
positive results
from the pain
of ego crushing
and as Bill writes
in the 12 and 12
we begin to fear pain
less
and embrace humility
that's a great transition
but it all
consisted
in destroying
old stories
pulling your hands
away from it
so you can let it go
alright
I'll let that
resentment go
I won't kill my uncle
I'll try to understand him
but he is me
and he's the worst person
I ever met
ever since I was a little kid
just awful
god I hate him
five years later
you and your uncle
are playing golf
how did that happen
well I was willing to let go
of a lot of stories
I had in my head about him
to see what was there
and
it's just beautiful
what gets revealed
is that
we've covered
half
of the
today is going to be on
conscious separation
and tomorrow and Sunday
will be on conscious contact
so we've covered half
of stories
and we'll go to dinner
and then when we come back here
we'll cover the second half
of
dealing with our stories
and wrap it up
thank you all
okay John
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