Emotional Sobriety — Moving from Feeling-Based Decisions to Principle-Based Action — Allison A.

Hello, I'm Alice and I'm an alcoholic. It's really great to be here. I feel a little overdressed, but my sponsor would kill me if she thought I wasn't wearing a dress when I speak. So I am honored and I want to thank Chuck for asking me to do this. And wow, what a great weekend it's been so far. I really want to thank Larry for his talk this afternoon earlier today. I just want to ditto that and say I really identified with his message and his experience here in AA. I am an alcoholic of the emotional variety. My former sponsor used to say I'm kind of a ready, shoot, aim kind of person. And I tend to make decisions based on the way that I feel. I don't make decisions based on my intellect, but on my emotions. And it's gotten me into nothing but trouble throughout my life. And I'll get into more of that as I share my experience with you. But I will keep this format the way that I've seen it in the big book. And tell you a little bit about what I was like. And I started drinking at the age of 15. I grew up in the suburbs of Houston, Texas in a little stinking farming town called Alvin. And, you know, it was 10,000 people in that town. And as far back as I can remember, I knew that I was in the wrong family and I lived in the wrong dumb town. I believe, like I heard Terry say this morning, that I was born an alcoholic. And that date was February 1st of 1965. When I came into this world, I have suffered from the feelings of difference from as far back as I can remember. And I have never really felt like I fit in or that I belong to what was going on around me. I never felt like I was a part of. I always wanted to know where the manual was for this thing called life. And it had been left out of my pocket when I got here. I have a couple sisters and a brother. I have two. I have an older sister who continues to try to make it in this program. And I have a younger sister who won't have anything to do with this program. And, you know, I thought my family was absolutely peachy keen when I was a kid. I thought my alcoholic life was the only normal one. And I have come to find out through the process of inventory and the program of AA that there is nothing really that normal about my family, except we had a pet dog. And I felt those feelings of difference from a very young age. And the reason I think I had alcoholism from the get go is that there were ways that I lived my life from a very young age that tried to compensate for those feelings of difference I just described to you. I got involved in the pom-pom squad when I was a kid. And I don't know about any of you women, but as I got into high school, I wanted to be a cheerleader because anybody knows that if you're a cheerleader, you're better than everybody else in school. And my ego knew that if I could be a cheerleader in high school, that we would all publicly know and we could just acknowledge right here and now that I'm better than you. And I don't know if you were that kind of alcoholic, but that's the way it was. I was a little bit of a jerk. I was a little bit of a jerk. I was a little bit of a jerk. I was a little bit of a jerk. I was a little bit of a jerk. I was a little bit of a jerk. I was a little bit of a jerk. I was a little bit of a jerk. I was a little bit of a jerk. I was a little bit of a jerk. I was a little bit of a jerk. I was a little bit of a jerk. I was a little bit of a jerk. I was a little bit of a jerk. I was a little bit of a jerk. I was a little bit of a jerk. Actually, I remember this. And it really happened, really. Because you know, there's probably popularity out there in the Arab world. But, you know, the story of that, I tell stories. And it's like, people were trying to actually sign him, and they wanted like to be on the same page as him. So, in the end, what I told them was the guy who's doing his job, that's another thing, you know? And I needed to speak to him. Then I said, no, no because maybe, you know,es not the police捄 veut highness. And that was so powerful and so profound for me that it was that feeling, that exact feeling that I drank for for the next 12 years. And unfortunately for me, by the time I was 27 and in September of 1992, I could no longer get that effect no matter how hard I tried. And I actually heard Larry mention that earlier, too, about trying to chase that one feeling that I fixed everything on May 29th of 1980. I did not become a daily drinker right away. What happened for me is that the people that I started to hang around started to change. You know, I got to be a cheerleader in high school, and that was supposed to fix it for a little while, and it didn't really work. I became one of those people in school that, although not a lot of people knew me, I was kind of the person who always cheered for the underdog because I'm an underdog. You know, I couldn't hang with the popular people because I really wasn't good enough or smart enough or pretty enough to be with those people. And I could never date the guys on the football team because they liked the popular girls. So I was always... I was always rooting for the people who didn't fit in. And I would not have been able to tell you that when I was 15 years old, but that's really, when I look back in hindsight, that's the people I was always rooting for. I was always somewhere in the middle, kind of just trying to blend in. And my life got to where, by the age of 16, I had met the him in my life. He was a transplant from Southern California. He was a little surfer boy. And back in the early 80s, there was this movie that came out called Fast Times at Ridgemont High. And my ex-boyfriend was like Spicoli. He wore... He wore these ugly shoes called Vans. He was an old surf rat that had long hair. And he also looked exactly like this obsession I had. And I don't know about you women, but I was like a huge Teen Beat fan when I was a kid. And I would put pictures of all these kids of the day that were, you know, the obsession of every tween back in the early 80s. And I had gone from that to liking rock and roll. I was a big rock and roll fan. And I had an obsession for this singer in this band that my ex-boyfriend looked like. And this guy's name... His name was David Lee Roth. And he was a singer for a band called Van Halen. And I was over the moon for this guy. He looked like everything my mother hated. And that just made him all the better. And I had this boyfriend who I thought looked like him. And he was somebody like I was. You know, he had to battle his own demons. But he introduced me to a life of skipping school and doing other things in addition to my drinking. We used to spend the night in the van and go down to the beach and wait for the surf come sunrise. And for any of you that are surfers, there's not much surfing in the Gulf Coast. But it was a lifestyle. You know, we were trying to be Southern California. But, you know, I started running with these high school dropouts, people that lived life like I do. And I was just so relieved to finally find a group of people that were like I was. Dropouts, half measures, people that didn't really, you know, aspire to be anything. And I don't know about you. I mean, I hear people talk about lower companions when they drink. And I guess that's kind of what I was looking for. The people. The people that I knew I could feel better than them. You know, I was going to stand out because I rose above the cream of these people. And I love these folks. Because they didn't have any better expectations of me than I had for myself. And I like that. And I started drinking and going to clubs at the age of 16 and 17. Back in Houston at that time, the drinking age was 19. So it wasn't really a big deal. And my sister and I were ripping and running and going to Houston and partying and having a good time. And I thought my life was so cool. And for any of you people out there that are really cool, I almost killed myself. Trying to stay cool when I got sober. And I'll get into that a little later. But I, you know, I just, I was cool. And I'd go back to my high school and I would start giving the teacher attitude. Because don't, I go to bars. You know, I don't know what that was supposed to prove. Except that I thought I was, I was hanging out with older people. I didn't need what you were dishing out in the classroom anymore. I was better than these rednecks around here that listen to country and western music. No offense. Anybody that likes country and western. But I thought I was something special. Alcohol gave me power. And I did not know that it was the lack of power that was my dilemma. I just felt good about who I was. I had a false sense of confidence in my life. And when I was 18 years old, I moved to L.A. I had applied to a fashion college out there. I wanted to go to school in Southern California. And part of that secret was also that I wanted to go to Southern California and meet David Lee Roth. I was going to marry him. He didn't know that. My family didn't know that was my plan. But, you know, I loved rock and roll music. And I knew it was happening in L.A. And I applied to this fashion school. And I ended up going to the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandise in downtown Los Angeles. I had gotten a partial scholarship for that. And the school set me up in this nice little apartment at the corner of Wilshire and Rampart Boulevard in Los Angeles. And any of you who know that area, I was right down the street from MacArthur Park. Beautiful park with a lake and fountains and swans and paddle boats. But as soon as the sun went down, it was like heroin crack alley over there. And quite frankly, my roommate, who was a student from Seattle, we were like the only blonde Caucasian women in the neighborhood. And we met a lot of people that were willing to party with us and give us what they had. And we were buying booze at the local Al's Market on 7th and Rampart. Nobody was carding. It was great. It was really great. I loved the freedom that I had now that I was not under my parents' domain. You know, my parents had gotten divorced shortly before I graduated high school. My father had remarried. And going to California. California just made me feel like I was free. And I didn't feel like I had to be accountable to anybody in California. My father was sending me a check every month. My roommate and I were hitchhiking up to Hollywood and going to bars on the Sunset Strip. And it was really about having fun. It was really about having a good time. Anybody that's ever heard Cliff Roach, here's his spiel about fun. That's what I was all about. I did not understand that my behavior was affecting people. Not people that I lived with, the other students in school when I would show up, my family, people that cared about me. But I was... I was so completely and utterly self-centered. I was so concerned with dulling the ache and those feelings of difference that it really didn't matter to me. I was a big rum drinker back then and vodka drinker. And, you know, I didn't... I can't say that I know what... I'm still in touch with that old roommate today. She lives up in the Seattle area and she's not an alcoholic. You know, she eventually got tired of my shenanigans. And at the end of two years when we were supposed to have graduated, I ended up going back to Texas and she went home to Washington State. And the problem... The problem with going back to Texas was that it was going to make everything okay because, see, right before I left Los Angeles, I had hooked up with the sugar daddy. And that guy had provided enough money for me to start doing things that kept me up for days on end. And I started getting really squirrely around drinking and doing that stuff because I really started to hallucinate now and again. I still... I really started to feel a sense of loss about what I was doing with my life. But it was not... It had nothing to do with my drinking, you see. It just had to do with those weirdos I was hanging out with because, you know, only weirdos and fruits and nuts live in California. So it wasn't me. So I went back to Houston for a year and a half. And in that time, my mother threw me out of the house. I had been at her house for less than 60 days and I was making that house miserable through my rage and tirades. I ended up living in the city of Houston behind one of the more popular rock clubs at that time off of Westheimer Road. And I just... I re... I created a fellowship of which I craved. I got a roommate that I met at the bar. She and I would go to the local bar and whatever band was in town to play that week, they'd come and stay at our place. You know, it was... It was Mr. Bubble in the Jacuzzi and all-night parties at the apartment. And I was... As far as quality of life, it was really... It was going downhill. You know, we were inviting people over all the time. We just wanted to have a good time. And we were entertaining the boys. And, you know, I was very promiscuous. And at this time, my sister had been working as a waitress at a local restaurant and I got a job as a bartender. And I tell you, for anybody that's a drinking drunk, what a great job. You know, not only do I not have to drink shell... Shell... Shell... Self liquor anymore. I mean, well liquor anymore. But I also get... I have the control and the power to know who's going to be at my party that night because if you drink too much, if you're not tipping enough, I'll just snub you, you know. And if you give me some really good tips and you add a little extra money, a little extra gifts on the side there, you know, I would hang out with you after the bar. I'd pour extra heavy. And I loved my life as a bartender. I was good at it. And I had a great time. I went back to California. After a year and a half in Texas, I had hooked up with another him and that became a very physically abusive relationship. And for anybody that's ever been involved with that, you know, I had been beaten physically and mentally to a point where I knew that this relationship was perfect for me. And it... I mean, it's not like I liked getting kicked in the face, but I knew that this guy... We were so intimate and so spiritual together that he knew what a piece of crap I was. And that if that man were to ever leave me, who else would have me? Because he knew who I really was. And I managed to get out of that relationship by going out to the parking lot, going to the laundry room of the apartment complex that we lived in. I called my sister from a pay phone and told her to come and get me. I crawled underneath a car in the parking lot and I waited there until I saw her car because I didn't want him to find me. And that's how I left that relationship. I came back to California very shortly after that, within weeks. And I lived in Santa Monica with an elderly woman who was the grandmother of an old drinker. And I lived in Santa Monica with an elderly woman who was the grandmother of an old drinker. And I lived in Santa Monica with an elderly woman who was the grandmother of an old drinker. And I lived in Santa Monica with an elderly woman who was the grandmother of an old drinker. And that woman had offered to put me up and give me a free place to live while I got my stuff together. And she was very ill with respiratory infections and things of that nature. And I found her stash of wine. And all she wanted me to do was help her around the house and cook some food and clean up. And I really found her behavior to be a burden on me. And I would drink her wine and I would curse her name under my breath. And I started to disappear and go back up to Hollywood and hang out in those bars that I used to do two years ago. But it wasn't because I was doing anything wrong. She was just a pain in the ass. And I didn't stay at that house for much longer. Surprise, surprise. I met somebody that was willing to whisk me away and I got involved in more relationships. I was chasing musicians around back in the 80s. Purple eyeshadow, big Wacquanet hair and guys that looked like they belonged in the band Poison. It was just a hideous time. What an ugly, ugly time in America. And I was... I was having a great time. It was a great time to be partying in Hollywood, I must say. Now, my behavior became very repetitive. I ended up getting a job on the Santa Monica Pier and working at a little British pub called The Crown and Anchor. I loved it down there. My bosses were Scottish. They drank like I did. They enabled me to do whatever I wanted to. We had a big beer cooler down there. We'd keep the kegs in and keep the beer cold. And I'd put my shot to Jack Daniels in there because I don't know about any of you, but Jack Daniels, mmm. It gives me a voice that makes me think I'm tough. And I liked, you know, a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of Jack. You can't do... You can't do much better than that. And I was... And people would buy me shots and I would save my shots or I'd steal them from my boss and leave them in the beer cooler and I'd black out at night. I wouldn't know how I'd got home. And I'd come in to do inventory the next day and there would be all these shots of Jack Daniels in the beer cooler I had forgotten about. It was working that job where I discovered a bit of the hair of the dog that bit you. And I don't know about any of you, but if I start drinking in the morning, I'm going to be inebriated shortly thereafter. And I only did that a couple of times because I lost control real fast. And I don't know about you, but even as a drinking drunk, I knew that maintaining control was a very important thing to me because I had gotten to a point in my drinking after a few years that I knew that there was something wrong with my life, that I had not lived up to that potential that I was supposed to be capable of. And I knew that when I drank that I didn't always have my faculties about me. And I also knew that whatever it was that was wrong with me, the alcohol quelled that and it gave me a few more minutes to live and try to be normal. And I got to a point working in that restaurant where I found myself... I was feeling like my head was going to absolutely explode off my shoulders if I had to keep and confine the insanity in my mind another minute. And one thing that really helped me was a double shot of Cuervo 1800 at 8.30 in the evening, chased with a little 7-Up. And I was at that bar for seven years. I ended up getting sober shortly before I left that place. In 1992, I was living in West L.A. with a couple of guys. They kind of looked out for me. You know, I don't know how many of you have been to Santa Monica Pier in the dead of January, but I was pulling a mean $7 a day working at that bar in January. And it never occurred to me that I had the talent or the skill to go somewhere else and get a job and be self-supporting. So a couple of bar friends of mine, I ended up living with them. They were good friends of mine. They kind of made sure I was safe and we'd all go partying together. They kept the apartment and I cleaned and cooked and they took care of me. And they were my buds. You know, I just hung out with them and went to bars. And, you know, I was a little bit of a... I was a little bit of a... I was a little bit of a... And one night I went up to Hollywood and they left the bar early and I couldn't find a ride home. And I found myself asking people outside the Rainbow Bar and Grill at 215, you know, for somebody for a ride. And someone offered me a ride. He was a hairdresser, actually. And I towered over him. And we went... And he decided he was going to go pick up some stuff he wanted to smoke later. And I went up Doheny Boulevard with him. And he got out of the car and said, I'll be right back. And he jumped in on the passenger side of the car and assaulted me. And he decided he was going to... He decided he was going to take what he thought I wasn't going to give him. And I just thought, the gall of this short little hairdresser. And there was no way he was going to get very far. I could have kicked his butt. But I did find myself on the sidewalk without my shirt, walking down Doheny, looking for a cab ride at 3.30 in the morning. And that's when I quit to go into Hollywood. Because, you see, it's those crazy people up in Hollywood that are making my life a living hell. And it just never occurred to me that my drinking had anything to do with that. Because I don't know about you, but... Alcohol is my solution. It's what makes me feel like I'm going to be all right. And I quit going to bars up in Hollywood. I just started drinking in this very small world down in Santa Monica. And I was going to some local bars off the Santa Monica Pier. And I found my lower companions, the people that lived underneath the Santa Monica Pier. They didn't hold me to any expectations. They didn't demand anything from me, except maybe a free drink once in a while. But I was more than willing to give that. Because, you know what? It took away a little bit of my loneliness that someone would just stick around. And my life got very small. And my sister, my younger sister at that time, had moved out to California and married a gentleman younger than her. He was 19. She was 23. And I liked to party with my sister. You know, my sister was always the pretty one. And my sister was the one that... For any of you groupie chicks out there, my sister was the one that was able to get the singer. And I was only able to get, like, the bass player. If that makes any sense to you. And I always wanted the singer. But you either had to look like my sister or be a stripper. And I wasn't either. And so I liked hanging out with my sister. And I would just date whoever she was tired of if they'd have me. And I didn't think a lot of myself. But I liked hanging out with my sister. And, you know, we'd party together and hang out. And she had an apartment. And I had met this girl that was dating a friend of mine. I had a good friend named Adam. And he met this very attractive girl from Long Island, New York. And she had a career that made her a lot of money. And she moved out here to be with Adam. And she said, I'm going to be with you. And I said, Why don't you quit living with these two guys that are looking out for you and come and live with me? You're a bartender. It's summertime. You're making some money. You can afford half the rent. So we got a nice place over near Culver City. And I really wanted to live like she was living. Because she was making several thousand dollars a week. And when the Santa Monica Pier closed, I guess it was 91, to remodel and rebuild a Pacific Ocean park down there, I asked her, I said, Do you think I can get a job where you work? She said, Well, I'll set up an interview and come on by and check it out. Now, she, in Long Island, she was a female mud wrestler and a foxy boxer. And I thought, Well, I want to be that. So I went to the Hollywood Tropicana and I got a job, not as a female mud wrestler. I didn't have that much confidence. But I was a cocktail waitress at the Hollywood Tropicana. And we would go to work and she'd make thousands and I'd make hundreds. The only problem is that she wasn't an alcoholic and she didn't drink. And I was an alcoholic and I spent a lot of my tips drinking tequila. All night long. And I was buying a little go fast before I went to work. And I would, I would just, my boss would have me be the last waitress on the floor because I had a tendency to spin around that place faster than anybody selling that beer. And I would end up drinking up a lot of my tips. And I found it difficult to meet my responsibilities and staying in that townhome with her. And my life got really, really dark. And in the winter of 1992, um, uh, I had tried to establish a relationship with my father after he, after he had left my mom and got remarried. And there was a lot of resentments and animosity there. Um, uh, he had married his secretary and it was just an ugly situation. When he got married, none of us kids would show up. And, you know, I don't know about you, but I kind of blamed my parents for every unhappiness I ever experienced because after all, I didn't ask to be brought into this world. And, uh, in 1991, my father had been ill and he was suffering from the disease of Lou Gehrig's disease. And, uh, my father had been a marathon runner. He, uh, was a aerospace engineer with NASA and on the weekends he was rebuilding homes for people. And I really was never capable of talking, uh, uh, or mentioning the respect and honor I had for my dad and all that he was able to accomplish. Um, I was an alcoholic who was sick on the inside and I wanted my father to be responsible for that because I didn't know what the problem was. And in 1991, after three, three and a half years of being really sick and watching him deteriorate, I had gone to see my dad and he had, um, he had collapsed in a restaurant parking lot after we ate. He was unable to, to hold silverware anymore because of the cramping in his fingers. And we left the restaurant and he collapsed in the parking lot and he was so embarrassed by his inability to take care of himself. And I got embarrassed and uncomfortable around that too. And in January of 1991, he said, or right around the first week of February, uh, 1992, excuse me, he had wanted me and my sister to come out and see him because he knew he wasn't going to be around a lot longer and we didn't know how long he was going to be alive. And he had given me a ticket, my sister, a ticket. My sister went and I didn't go. I turned in my ticket and I said, you know what? I can't make it. I got to work. And the truth behind all of that excuse was because I did not like my father's lack of consideration for me for putting me in a position where I was going to have to sit there and not drink and watch him deteriorate. I just was so resentful at him for asking me to do such a heinous thing. I was quite lovable. That's the kind of daughter I was. I made it his fault. And my father passed away on Valentine's Day of 1992. And I used that just long enough to get me to buy me some more drinks. I was absolutely removed from the emotional damage of my father's death for into my sobriety, into my sobriety. And but I wanted you to feel sorry for me. And I continue to drink. I left the Hollywood Tropicana. They fired me because I refused to show up for work on occasion because I just didn't want to. And I went back to the hospital. I went back to the hospital. I went back to the Santa Monica Pier. And we reopened that restaurant the week after the L.A. riots. And it was a little sketchy at that time. But I went back to work. And, you know, I just I found a safe haven there because the people there knew me. And they let me drink the way I wanted to. And they enabled me to continue doing the things that I was doing. In the fall of 1992, my sister and I had had enough. We were partying together. The summer concert series was over at the Santa Monica Pier. And we were going to go out and work on our tans in Palm Springs. Because one must always have the right tan to look correct. And we had three days off in September. And we ended up going out to a Pantera concert at one of the amphitheaters down in Orange County. And we got pretty squirrely down there. They wouldn't let us drink. And we left the concert and drove the 50 miles back to L.A. to get a drink. And we met a guy from a he was actually from a musical video. He was from a rock and roll video. And my sister was all obsessed with him. And we spent three days riding around. And we were in the limousine with this guy and his father who had brought his product from Victorville. If you know what I mean. He manufactured his stuff out in Victorville and brought it into L.A. in his limousine. And we were hanging out with these people for three days and drinking tequila and Jack Daniels. And just going nuts. And at the end of three days, I was ready. I needed to go to sleep because I had to go to work. And I passed out around 11 o'clock at night. And my sister woke me up at 1.30 because she saw them outside in the carport ripping off cars. And I was so scared to death when I came to from that that we called the police department and asked them to come out and come and check because we knew those people were coming to get us. And the police department came out, did a walk through, couldn't find a thing. And as soon as that police officer left that apartment and shut that door, I collapsed on the floor. And I absolutely was riddled with a terror that I only know today as I was reaching my bottom as a drinking drunk. I hope as a drinking drunk. But I called one of my old biker friends. I like to call him. He's a good biker. I used to hang with these guys from Venice Beach at the time. And this guy comes over at 3 or 4 in the morning and he came to pick me up. He had a baseball bat with him. And I told my sister there was room for one on the bike and I'd check on her the next day. But she was on her own. And my friend took me back to my apartment one block away. And I managed to pass out and come to the next morning. And I will tell you that I remember every moment of what it felt like to come to on September 24th in 1992 because to this day I have not had to have a drink. And I hope to God I never have to take another one. But I came to with the absolute clarity, the absolute conviction and knowledge of my condition. I knew I was an alcoholic. And I knew that what that meant to me is that I was absolutely incapable of changing my life the way that it was at that very moment. That there was absolutely no power in my life that could do anything to change the way that I was living. And I also knew that there was no way that if I had to go through that day like any other day, there was no way I was not going to be able to take a drink by the end of that day. And what was so blessed in my life at that time was that one of my old bar customers was sober. And I called her. And for some reason at 10 o'clock in the morning she was home. And she came and met me at work a couple of hours later. And she introduced me to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I did not go to a meeting at noon. I was at work. But this woman had been sober for three years. And she had been someone who had been trying to get me into AA for three years. She had changed her playgrounds and her playmates. She was now hanging around with sober people. Those people that I didn't want to be around. And I felt our friendship had faltered because I refused to show up when I said I was going to show up and meet with her because those people threatened me. I can't say they threatened me. I was threatened by them. But she was willing to come and help me when I needed help. She lived in Hollywood at the time. And she came and told me about AA. And the introduction I had to AA had been written on Tish's face and in her behavior long before I ever got here. Because what I noticed about her is that when I called her, she called me back. And when I made plans with her, she called to confirm even though I wouldn't show up. And that day that I needed her most on September 24, 1992, she walked into where I worked. Her eyes were as clear as water. She walked tall. She was dressed well. She was stunningly beautiful anyways. And that was my attraction of AA. Because I knew all of those people. And all of that that I just described to you had nothing to do with what I had in my life at that time. In Language of the Heart, Bill Wilson writes about emotional sobriety as the next frontier. And he talks about faulty emotional dependencies. And I had a faulty emotional dependency on this woman because she had everything I wanted in my life at that time. And it talks about it on page 55 of the big book, Money, Property, and Prestige. She had all of that. She had been very successful as a model in Europe. She had a very well-to-do, successful family that lived all over the world. She had married well and lived in a condo overlooking the beach in Santa Monica and drove a Mercedes. And I think more than anything what she had is she had the ability to stand amongst one or two people at any given time and have a conversation with them. And if you're an alcoholic like I am, you might understand my absolute terror of trying to carry on a conversation when I first got sober. But I had a very successful family. And I think that's the most important thing. But she suggested I go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and on the next day, September 25th, on a Friday night I found myself at the Rodeo Drive meeting in Beverly Hills. And if you're the kind of person who lived your life like I did, my wardrobe was lace bustiers, leather biker jacket, spandex mini skirts, and spiked biker boots with studs in them. And if you're the kind of person who lived your life like I did, my wardrobe was lace bustiers, leather biker jacket, spandex mini skirts, and spiked biker boots with studs in them. I didn't think that I was going to be accepted at Rodeo Drive. But because Tish had been such a good woman, I thought, oh, wow, she had a good relationship with me. And I thought, well, I'm going to be able to do that. Because Tish had been such an example of sobriety just in the way that she lived her life, I knew that when I got into the courtyard of that beautiful old church that I was going to be okay. Now, one of the great fears that I had that I saw when I got to that meeting is that there were people there, and they were talking to each other and having conversations. And not only that, but there were men that wore, like, sports coats, polo shirts with collars. And, you know, I'm not good enough to be around people like that, and I thought that they were going to fingerprint me and just get me out of there. But one of those guys that had patches, like leather patches on his elbows, he came over to me and said, how long do you have? And I said, today's my first day. I don't know how he knew. Could have been my outfit. And I said, today's my first day. And he seemed so genuinely happy for me that I knew it had to be a lie because I don't hang around people that are sincere in talking about their selfless joy for other people. I don't know about you, but I hung around the people that were as self-centered and sincere as they were. I was as arrogant and dishonest as I was. And so when he said that to me, I thought, well, that's really nice. I mean, it was really impressionable that he talked to me. But, you know, get out of here with your niceties. But I knew I was going to be okay there because I saw my friend. She was three years sober. I knew I'd be all right. I don't have any clue what time it is, so anybody that wants to wave a watch in front of me like this, I will not be offended at five to five. I found myself going to meetings in Hollywood for the first six months of my sobriety. Because my girlfriend, who was sober up there, said, I will temporarily sponsor you. I'm a good friend of yours. I don't think it will work long term, but I will help get you started until you meet someone that you can call your sponsor. And the really great thing is that I was so excited to not be drinking, and I didn't know how I was not drinking. But I started going to meetings in Hollywood because, you see, in Hollywood, they have meetings like the musicians' meeting. And there's all these beautiful, long-haired musician men that I had never met before, and they had not met me. And I just thought, well, this is just bee's knees. This is great. But luckily for those men, they stayed away from me. And they must have had sponsors. I don't know. But I found myself starting my sobriety in Hollywood, California. Now, I don't call September 25th my sobriety date, nor do I call September 24th my sobriety date. I call it the 26th. Because three months in to not drinking, I did my little three-page inventory. And I was like, well, I'm going to be sober. And I realized that on the night I went home after that Rodeo Drive meeting, I had taken some over-the-counter sleep aids because I was still a little jittery from the stuff I had been doing that week before. And it was clear to me on my inventory that my sobriety had to start a day later. And so September 26th of 1992 is currently my sobriety date, and I hope it stays that sobriety date. But at 11 days of not drinking, I went to the Marina Center over in Culver City and went to a meeting there. And I don't know why I remember I was 11 days sober, except that after that Monday night meeting, I went by one of those bays where you wash your own car with a sprayer. There was a guy in the next bay over, and he flirted with me. And all I could think of was, you guys are so lucky now. I am sober and look out. And I did not go out with this guy, but I just thought my ego rebounded so quickly, you guys. I would never have admitted that 13 years ago, but I just was all about Allison. After I was sober for six months, I no longer went to meetings in Hollywood because, I mean, after all, it was seven miles away. I mean, that's like really going to any length in my book. And I got some money from my father's estate, and I got an apartment in Venice, because if you're going to be cool, you got to live in Venice Beach, right? And I bought the stereo, and I bought the new car, and I furnished the apartment. I went back to working as a bartender, and I was going to do the sobriety thing on my terms because I'm not here to work your program, and I'm not here to do your steps. I'm here for my social life. And look how good I look now that I am sober. And I found myself blessed at two and a half years of not drinking that I reached a pit of desperation so great that I was willing to finally take some direction from somebody else other than me. I had called other women my sponsor in those first two years of not drinking, but I wanted someone that was going to co-sign my BS and be my friend. And one thing I have learned, and I know this seems really popular, out there in California where I live, there's a lot of people that want the title of guru, and this is strictly my opinion. This is just my opinion. But I was introduced to a form of the steps that had never seen a single word in the big book. And I liked that form of the steps because it was really easy. And what it did for me is it allowed me to feel better than you because I got the real number right here, not what all you people are doing. And at two and a half years of not drinking, I had gotten into body piercing and tattooing because I was looking for some excitement. And I was going up to the Self-Realization Fellowship in Pacific Palisades and studying Hinduism. And I paid someone, an Indian man, $120 to give me a mantra for my Transcendental Meditation because, you see, I was going to have better spirituality than you people here in AA. I did not know the spiritual principle and the blessedness of being one among many. I really had to be better than you. And what I found after, you know, implementing my plan at two and a half years of not drinking is that I was so close to a drink I didn't even know it. And I found a man at 26th and Broadway at this noon meeting I used to go to when I could get out of bed in the morning. And I'm in my gym tights. Now this is like 1992, so we women were still wearing like those one-piece thongs over our tights from the gym. And I would wear that to the meeting. And I'm the girl that would get up during the meeting to get coffee. And I would wear that to the meeting. And I'm the girl that would get up during the meeting to get coffee. And I would walk down the aisle just so you guys could know what's going on. And I'm the girl that would stand at the back door and give you a full contact head-to-toe body hug in my spandex. And I was what my sponsor later called a typhoid Mary. I was bringing the disease of alcoholism into the room. I was not an example of good sobriety. I was an example of a bad example. But what had happened here after two years of not working the program, of showing up at my convenience, trying to be, you know, number one chick in the front row, was that... I just lost my train of thought. Holy cow. I just thought that I was here for my social life, that I didn't have to do it your way. And I brought in all of the old ideas that had allowed me to survive out there as a drinking drunk. Nothing had changed. I was so grateful to not be drinking. I didn't understand why I wasn't. I had a huge respect for the idea of God. But there was really no God being practiced in my life. And at two and a half years of not drinking, I met this man at 26th and Broadway. And he is 16 years sober. And he was such... he had such a power about him. And I now understand it as someone who works the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, someone who sponsors and works with other people, someone who is active in being of service here in all kinds of ways. And he had this power about him. I thought it was an aura. And I asked that man to help me and talk to me. And at that time I was getting out of a relationship that I had been in my first year of sobriety. And I was complaining about that guy. And that's when this guy, Wayne, pointed out to me and he said, Do you see this cup... we were sitting having coffee as I was winding. And he says, Do you see this cup of coffee? And I said, Yeah. He goes, Well, it's a clear cup of coffee and half of it is empty. But down at the bottom where the black coffee is, you can't see to the other side of this cup, can you? And I said, No. He goes, Well, that's your sobriety and that's your mind. He says, It says on page 55 of the big book that deep down inside, every man, woman and child is the fundamental idea of God, though we may be obscured by pomp, by calamity and by worship of other things. And that was the moment that I knew there was another alcoholic that knew exactly who I was. And it scared me and it gave me freedom all at the same time. And I did not ask him to sponsor me right then and there because I had some concert tickets in my backpack. I was going to go to that show. And I knew he wasn't going to be okay with that. A couple weeks later, when I got fired from my job, I was now working at a restaurant over near UCLA in Westwood Village. And I got busted for serving a minor by some undercover cops. And it was utterly humiliating to me. I was the bartender who was such a dry, scraping drunk that when people didn't tip me properly, I was throwing glassware at them. And you guys know how those cops are. They're like, Oh, you're a cop. You're a cop. You're a college drinkers that are not really alcoholic. The kind of people that come in on St. Patrick's Day and order green beer and jello shots. Those people pissed me off. And I would throw things at them. I would swear at them. And I started smelling the wine because I liked the way that it smelled as I was serving it over the counter. And I was so close to a drink. And thank God that I got busted for serving a minor. And I got fired from that job. And I found that this man, Wayne, that I had met, was the only person I knew that I could trust. He knew that I could remotely talk to about the help that I needed. And that's when he suggested I go out to this conference out in Palm Springs that he was speaking at. And this is in April of 19, or early May 1992. And I did not know that he sponsored other women, but he said, Come on out. There's some other women I'm working with, and they're going to that conference. And I said, Did you not hear me? I have no money. Why would I go to Palm Springs? And what happened is I had an old Jack Daniels bottle with $50 in coins in there, and I found myself in Palm Springs. And I found that he had sponsored these women. And I had seen those women before. They were active members of Alcoholics Anonymous. I hated those women because one thing I've learned about a lot of women that come in, hey, we hate women, and you were my competitors. But these women were a threat to me because they were like those men that I saw that night at Rodeo Drive. These women wore dresses when they went to the Saturday night meeting. They always sat in the front row. They always had commitments as greeter, as coffee maker, doing jobs in the meeting. I hated them. And those are the women I got to spend that weekend in Palm Springs with. I found myself that evening standing behind a table just like that in my cut-off shorts and my halter top, belly dancing with all my body piercings on the front side of my body, trying to sell speaker tapes. If Rusty would only let me do that for him today. And I thought they were the sick ones. One of the great miracles... Oh, I hate that word. I don't like to use that word. One of the great things that happened at that conference. I left Palm Springs on a Sunday afternoon. It was downpouring rain. I remember that's the first time I ever heard Earl H. speak. And I was blown away by his talk. And they had this raffle at the end of the speaker meeting after Earl talked. And I was so scared to death about what was going to happen to my life because I had no faith in my life. I had no God in my life. But I had the desperation of a dry drunk that needed help and I was willing to ask for it. And the guy that was the taper at that particular conference, he gave me a couple bucks. He said, go get some raffle tickets. And you guys, I won the raffle that day and I won a $100 bill that was hidden in an Easter egg. And I knew, as little faith as I had in God at that time, I knew that that was an indication that it's time to start practicing some faith here that I will be taken care of. I asked Wayne to sponsor me two weeks after that. And my life has never been the same since. I don't look like the alcoholic who came in here. And I have no clue what time it is. What time is it, you guys? Ten to five? I am so sorry. I'm sorry. I have got so much to talk about. In a nutshell, I was told to get a job that allowed me to work Monday through Friday and work nine to five. That would allow me to go to meetings at night where the enthusiasm for AA was. I was told that I needed to get a home group. And when I went to my home group, I needed to dress like a lady even though I wasn't one. And I said, what are you talking about? I don't have a dress to wear. And I had lost my apartment as a result of losing my job. So I was no longer cool. I didn't live in Venice. But the other women that Wayne sponsored came and moved me out of my one-room apartment and let me live with them. And one of those girls took me over to Salvation Army and she helped me find some clothes to wear. And I realized that life, the solution was being given to me even though it didn't meet my higher expectations. Wayne said that I was going to go to conferences on the weekend and I was going to travel wherever we had to go to do AA all over Southern California and Arizona. And the first conference I went to with him after Palm Springs was we went to the Flagstaff Roundup in June of 1995. And he was speaking there with a woman named Michael Manning who I think is in Georgia now. And she's a fantastic speaker too. And I went out there with no money in my pocket. I had a jar of peanut butter and a loaf of bread and a bag of Cheetos. And because I was the newcomer of my sponsorship, I got last dibs on everything. I had to sleep on the hotel room floor. I was the last one that got a chance to take a shower. Everybody else that had more time than me got to take a shower first. I was the one who had to stand in line last to order my meals. And I was the one who always had to sit in the back seat of the car or sit on the hump, you know, because other people had the other seats. And I don't know about you, but my ego needed flattening. And this was a way that my sponsor got me to gain some humility about myself. And I am so grateful to him for that opportunity. And what I found as a home group, my home group was the Pacific. And I found that the Pacific was the home group that I was most proud of. I was in the Pacific group for many years. And I often still consider it my home group. I'm still active in some of the things they do long distance. And I found that the one thing I hated when I came to AA was that you were going to tell me what to do. And I hated, I was rebelling against everything. But the irony of all of that is what has saved my life and has allowed me to grow up to some degree in Alcoholics Anonymous is the structure and discipline that has been asked of me here. I was asked to dress like a lady. Dressed like a lady when I came to the podium. I was asked to do things that I didn't believe in. But it didn't matter that I didn't believe in them. The idea is that I took the action and the thoughts followed. And as a result, I believe that I've become the woman that God has wanted me to be. I don't resemble anything like the girl I used to be except when I slipped the F word now and again. That's been a hard one to quell. But I come from a sponsorship line where I know that the link to my happiness is through the amount I am willing to give to Alcoholics Anonymous. And when I moved out here two and a half years ago after getting married to another member of Alcoholics Anonymous, we were in the same home group. I was dying out here, you guys. From Los Angeles to Surprise was like, Jesus, there's nothing here. And I didn't know how I was going to survive it. And you guys did it all wrong. You don't even know how to do AA here. I just want you to know. And I was very judgmental and critical. I used my... my son who is now three. I used him as an excuse to stay home and not show up. And what I found is that you all seem to be having a happy life regardless of how critical I was of you. I was the one that was dying. I was the one that didn't have a fellowship with you. And it was time to get up to do something. And I had to get back into the steps and start practicing 10 and 11 and 12 like I had been taught. I had to go through another inventory. I had to find... be accountable for my behavior and own up to what I was doing. And I am back in the saddle now. I've had the great privilege of working in the intergroup office and helping Fred who was here somewhere with the phones and getting people to answer the phones. And you know what? Somehow, I don't know what you guys are doing different, but you know what? You are not doing AA bad anymore. And I feel like I fit in here. And I knew that when I left LA that it was going to be my responsibility to do that. And I know that God is with me no matter where I go. But God is not with me. But God is not going to bless me with peace of mind if I am not willing to do the work that I have to do to have that. And it is true. It is here and it is within me if I just practice the principles here. I have a wonderful life today. I do not have to be that emotionally driven psychotic alcoholic that I used to be. I need strong sponsorship direction and I still ask for it. My feelings get hurt pretty easy. I'm a pretty sensitive person. But I love the people I have met as a result of you reaching out to me. I go to this great meeting West of the Sun on Wednesday night. There are some really strong committed members of Alcoholics Anonymous that are there. And I really have a lot of respect for those people. And we started this Tuesday night meeting over at West of the Sun Speakers. This is my plug. So you all come over there at 7 o'clock Tuesday nights. And I consider that my home group today. I really like that meeting. And I am just going to end with saying thank you for my life. There is so much more I would love to share. But I always told that if you are going to have people like your pitch, you should end early. And I think I have run a little over. But I will try to make up for it and sit down now. So thank you very much.