Don’t Put a Question Mark Where a Higher Power Put a Period – Jane D.

Hi everyone, my name is Jane and I'm an alcoholic. And it is so wonderful to be here amongst so many fabulous women this weekend. I want to, of course, get the niceties out of the way right off the bat. I wanted to thank Anne for inviting me. I also wanted to thank my sweet Heather for picking me up yesterday. And she's right, you know, God makes no mistakes. We were meant to get to know each other this weekend. And I'm looking forward to getting to know you even better. And I want to thank the committee. I know how much work goes into these conventions. And again, it is all service work. And that's what this program is all about. And of course, Lee and John, you know, you guys are the best. I mean, I'm sure you had fun telling all your friends this weekend that you're going to be having a great time. I'm hanging out with 400 fantabulous women. So, and again, I love speaker tapes. I know early in sobriety when I couldn't drive, you know, I made sure that I listened to a speaker tape every day. And I've really on people's birthdays and stuff now because most of my friends are in AA. That's what I give. I give speaker tapes. What better gift can you give than the gift of somebody's story? So anyway, I come to you today. I'm actually commissioned by Alcoholics Anonymous as a humble servant to just share with you my story. I am from Tallahassee, Florida. My home group is Central Group, 909 Central. And I've been an active member there for 10 years now. My sobriety date, however, is September 24th. It's my anniversary month. September 24th, 1995. So it's the big 15. So I'm really excited about that. And I also... Wait, is that right? 15 or 16? Oh my gosh, 16! No, wait a minute. I'm sorry. I'm nervous. Excuse me. My tragedy happened in 95. My sobriety date is 96. September 24th, 1996. So it is 15. And I have the holes in my medallion to prove it. But anyway, when I'm in groups like this, I have to, again, say that I'm so blessed with God's grace. That's what's gotten me here thus far. The support of my wonderful family and friends. The fellowship of this program. Sponsorship, for sure. And that's just the way we do it. And I, again, am so fortunate to... To be asked to speak before you today. And I really don't consider myself a speaker. I have a story. And I just get up here and I tell it. And I'm really nervous. But my sponsor assures me that that means that I'm humble enough to let God in. So because I am so nervous, though, I want to just sort of close my eyes. And I'd ask you to join me in saying the third step prayer. Just so everyone can kind of center. And breathe. Oh. God, I offer myself to thee. To build with me and to do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self. That I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties. That victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of thy power, thy love, and thy way of life. May I do thy will always. Amen. God, please put the words in my mouth today that somebody in this wonderful audience needs to hear. You know, one of my favorite spiritual writers just came out with a book this month, September 1st. The author's name is Richard Rohr. I'm not sure if anybody has heard of him. But he's actually a Franciscan priest. And the name of the book is called The Breathing Underwater. The Spirituality of the Twelve Steps. And I just thought it was, I haven't gotten the book yet. But I do know, I checked out what the title meant, Breathing Underwater. You know, like how does that relate to us? And I copied a, I have a copy of the poem. And I wanted to read it to you this morning because I thought, you know, we're in Cocoa Beach. This poem is, you know, very beachy in tone. And it's highly symbolic. And again, because of the title. And because I'm so nervous, I love poetry. I thought that this would also help calm me down. But I did want to share it with you too. So again, it's called Breathing Underwater. I built my house by the sea. Not on the sands, mind you. Not on the shifting sand. And I built it of rock. A strong house by a strong sea. And we got well acquainted. The sea and I. Good neighbors. Not that we spoke much. We met in silences. Respectful. Keeping our distance. But looking our thoughts across the fence of sand. Always the fence of sand our barrier. Always the sand between. And then one day. And I still don't know how. What happened. The sea came. Without warning. Without welcome even. Not sudden and swift. But a shifting across the sand. Like wine. Less like the flow of water. Than the flow of blood. Slow but flowing like an open wound. And I thought of flight. And I thought of drowning. And I thought of death. But while I thought. The sea crept higher. Till it reached my door. And I knew. That there was neither flight. Nor death. Nor drowning. That when the sea comes calling you. You stop being good neighbors. Well acquainted. Friendly from a distant neighbors. And you give your house. For a coral castle. And you learn to breathe. Underwater. You know that's what all of us are doing here today. Every single one of us. Has learned to breathe underwater. This thing called alcoholism. Came into our lives. Like a virtual tidal wave. And we'll never be rid of the threat. You know. But the key is to stay screwed in. To stay screwed into a program like this. Alcoholics Anonymous. And continue to breathe underwater. You know I can't. All of a sudden now I feel peace. And of course peace begins with a smile. And I feel it all around me right now. I can't help but think about God's grace. As I've already mentioned. And just how cool God's grace is. You know. It has nothing to do with anything that we've done. We haven't earned it. You know it's just there. It's here. I feel it. I'm sure you feel it too. I'm sure you feel it too. It's that really peaceful sense that. And an inner realization that we're already one with God. And nothing. Nothing can change that. And every day when I think about that. It just gives me such a sweet assurance. And helps me get through each day. I also can't help but think about the miracles that are in this room. You know it always blows my mind when I look around. I think you know probably every single woman. In this room should be dead. And we're not. We're all alive. We're all here. We're all celebrating. And there's something special about the spirit of womanhood. That takes place at these conventions. And the true miracle however is that every day. Every day somewhere in this world. One alcoholic is telling their story to another alcoholic. Quite often our. Our story is not the same. It's never the same. It's always the opposite. It's never the same. It's always the same. Our dark pasts are our greatest gift. And when we share that with others, oh, what a gift it can be. A transformation can occur. And every single one of us has that gift. And each of you could be up here behind the podium telling your story. It just so happens that I'm the one that was chosen for today. So let's begin my story. You probably noticed that I'm probably not from Florida. Even though I live in Tallahassee now, I come via New Jersey. Without a doubt, I'm from Jersey. You can take the girl out of Jersey, but you can't take the Jersey out of the girl. And I don't think I have an accent, but apparently words like chocolate and coffee are always dead giveaways. But anyway, I was born November 20, 1962. I did get that year right. So anyway, and I'm a very happily unmarried woman. I've never been married, don't have any kids, and I kind of like it that way. So anyway, I have a wonderful family. I'm the oldest girl. There are five of us. I'm the second oldest of the five of us. I have an older brother. And I grew up in... The most wonderful, loving family. You know, they say that alcoholics come from families that don't love them enough or families that love them too much. And I definitely came from one of those families that loved me so very much. The blood that courses through my veins is 100% Irish. And I think that genetically predisposes me to the disease of alcoholism. And I grew up in a super... duper Catholic family. I think even before I got out of diapers, I probably knew how to say the Hail Mary, the Our Father, and the Act of Contrition. But anyway, it was a beautiful way to grow up because actually the church was right on our corner. So I used to hang out in the church a lot as a kid. I was just fascinated by it. I used to leave flowers by the statue of Mary's feet. And I used to talk to Mary. And I actually still do today. But it was a wonderful upbringing. My dad... I am so proud of my dad. My dad is very much a disciplinarian. You know, growing up, it was almost like having a military dad. But he was a coach, a track and field coach at a university in New York. And he actually, back in the day, was favored to be the first to break the four-minute mile. And so that just says how focused and disciplined my dad is. Thank you. He didn't do it, but he still had a very lucrative career in track and subsequently as a coach as well. My mom was, you know, the perfect mom. She was a stay-at-home mom. She did everything for her husband and for her kids. That was her life. As a matter of fact, it still is to this day. My parents just celebrated their 53rd wedding anniversary. And, you know, they're still as happy as happy can be. And I have... However was the wild child of the five. I... Growing up in elementary school, went to a Catholic elementary school. I was always mischievous and, you know, gregarious and the class clown. And, you know, I just loved having a lot of fun. And a lot of people have had, you know, when they hear that I'm Catholic and I've went through Catholic elementary school. I actually also went to an all-girl Catholic high school. You know, they... Sometimes they say they're... You know, recovering Catholics or whatever. I had a great experience in the church. And I had wonderful nuns and wonderful priests that were mentors to my brother and sister and I. Brothers and sister and I. And so, anyway, for me, it was a very positive experience. I mentioned the high school that I went to. It was, you know, a very small, all-girl high school. And actually, I graduated in 81. So there were only 81 of us in that particular class. And one of my classmates actually was Whitney Houston, who I hope is getting the help that she needs through this program. But, anyway, it gave the girls really an opportunity to really take on leadership roles and to, you know, not be distracted by boys. And so we're all really strong, you know, successors. We're all successful women. I just went to my 30th reunion a couple years ago. And we, you know, everyone had wonderful stories to tell. And, anyway, I... In high school was the first time that I took a drink. I was 14. And I went to the movies with my cousin, who was 18. And I remember she bought a bottle of rum in. And so she was just kind of dumping it into my Coke. And to tell you... I don't know how long ago that was. It was actually the original Star Wars. And I remember sitting there watching this movie. I'd never seen anything like that before. Like, I think it was George Lucas, you know. And, I mean, the cinematography for that day was so revolutionary. But I remember sitting in my seat like, Woo! Woo! You know, all these battleships coming right at me. And I think now how appropriate it was because it really did take me... out of this world onto another plane. You know? I mean, Star Wars is what started it for me all. And it was a super intergalactic experience. And I really... I really had a great time during it. But then, of course, afterwards I got sick as a dog, was thrown up in my cousin's friend's car. You know, and I was like, Oh, my God, I'm never doing that again. And, actually, I didn't until I went away to college. And I think I have the typical, you know, sheltered girl living in a glass house her whole life. And then, all of a sudden, I went to college in Manhattan in New York City. And it was like letting the, you know, little innocent Catholic schoolgirl go buck wild in the big city. And that's exactly what I did. So I really didn't start drinking regularly until I was 18. And it wasn't only drinking. All right, this was New York City in the 80s. So... There were other things on the scene at that time that are outside issues. The ones that are like this and this. And I did a lot of both. And, again, this is how I feel about it. I totally believe in singleness of purpose. I mean, without a doubt, alcohol is the love of my life, you know. But, you know, I believe that addiction of any sort is a disease of the brain that translates, into abnormal behaviors. And some of us have some crazy abnormal behaviors. Like writing bad checks. Like, you know, waking up naked on somebody's front lawn. Like, you know, sleeping with somebody who you ordinarily would never sleep with. You know, and going to the ATM and getting money out and buying drugs. So, you know, that's the way that I kind of like to work that part into speaking about it when this is an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. But, you know, I would be lying by omission if I left that part of it out. And, once again, it was the 80s, man. It was New York City. It was, you know, Studio 54, the tunnel, the limelight. I was the quintessential club scene party girl. And I loved it. I had the best time, you know. It was crazy times. But, you know, I felt, I always felt like I needed to sow my wild oats and get all this crazy stuff out of my system. So that I could meet a wonderful man, you know, get married and, you know, and have kids and have this wonderful life. And it was really, I mean, the last 10 years of my partying were just really trying to get all that stuff out of my system. But it started turning problematic, you know, in college, without a doubt. And I remember I made my first geographic change junior year. I was like, I was getting really tired of New York City. And I was like, I got to get out of here, man. And I had an opportunity to go over and study in France because I was a French major. So I did. My junior year, I spent abroad. And, you know, I said, okay, I'm going to really get serious about my studies. I'm not going to party. And, you know, yeah, right. Going over to France. Oh, my gosh. I mean, it just began. It was, I lived with a divorced French woman and her 11-year-old son. And they had a college, French college student living there also who was, you know, tutoring the son. And her name was Myriam. And we went out every single night and tore up the little city of Nantes that we lived in. And again, you know, oh, I spoke wonderful French after, you know, a couple of glasses of wine, a couple of shots. And anyway, again, it was a really fun experience. So, of course, you know, actually, I backpacked through Europe after that experience. And again, you know, almost every new step of my life that I was taking on, I had made a resolution and broke it almost immediately. Like backpacking through Europe, I was like, okay, I only have X amount of dollars, so I'm not going to spend it on, you know, partying or drinking. Yeah, right. The first place I went to was Amsterdam. And then, the rest of the time, I had like $200 left after that. And then I went to London and got my hair done for $150. You know, so, I mean, that showed where my priorities always were. But anyway, everywhere I went, I met party people. I mean, aren't we magnets for that? I mean, how does that work? I mean, it's really, there's some kind of vibration that we give off that says, hey, I'm cool to party with. Let's go. And so, anyway, you know, I had a wonderful junior year, came back senior year. And, you know, needless to say, I was off to the races again. But I did manage to graduate. I always, I was blessed with, with a pretty good deal of intelligence. But I, you know, I don't know, I used to just jam during midterms and then again at finals. I don't know how I did it, but I did. And I graduated and I actually majored in French and English. And, in secondary education. So, I taught high school when I got out. And I lived in a little city called Hoboken, New Jersey, which was really accessible to New York City. All right, I wasn't going to move into the, you know, boring burbs. I stayed with, you know, within arm's distance of the, of New York City. And folks, I don't know, I don't want to, you know, go on about, you know, my, my war stories. But, I don't know how we did that when we, when we were young. You know, I mean, I taught high school and I was partying every night. Every night. You know, the discipline. And I, I have this crazy, sick work ethic too. I never missed work. All right, I was late every once in a while, but I never missed. It was like, okay, my dad kind of instilled in us, you know, party hard, you're going to play hard, but you got to do your work, you know. And, and I always did that. I always, I never really shirked from my responsibilities. But again, when I think of how I did it, it's, it's like a, that's a miracle. But, but anyway, okay, did that for a couple of years. And again, things started to get really bad. Like every, every value that I set for myself, very slowly, but surely, I started breaking them. You know, a good example would be when I was teaching high school, I was dating a married man who was actually also a teacher. I never, never thought I would date a married man. But of course, you know, oh, his marriage sucked. And he wasn't sleeping with his wife anymore. And they had no kids, you know. And you fall for it. But I still, you know, looking back, I would never have done that if I hadn't been drinking. So all my morals and all my ethics just, you know, all started going by the wayside. Or I started rationalizing them all. You know, it was really, looking back on it, it was really, it was very progressive too. Just like this disease. And, and man, I, I just got tired again. And it was like, I need another change. So, I, an opportunity arose and I jumped on it. And, I went on my interview and two weeks later, I was on a plane to Japan. And, I got a job offer to teach over in Japan. And I was like, wow, I heard they don't really have any drugs over in Japan. And, this way, you know, I can work really hard. And, you know, I'll change my whole lifestyle. Nobody knows me. Well, and I got on the plane and I remember the only Japanese that I knew was, Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto. You know? I think that means thank you. But, so I went, I got on the plane and, you know, wasn't nervous or anything. Just so excited about starting a whole new life. And, you know, folks, you know, the same old, same old just happened again. I got over there. I started hanging out with a bunch of crazy Brits, Australians, New Zealanders, Canadians. And, let me tell you, those Japanese men sure know how to drink. And, I worked in, um, I worked for, uh, Time Life Educational Services. So, what I had to do was I had to move into the, um, training center for, like, a month at a time and work with Japanese businessmen who were being shipped overseas to be managers over here for Toyota, Mitsubishi, Honda. And, you know, these Japanese men were like, you know, scared. They heard that they had to take this, you know, move into a training center and, and speak only English for a month before they were shipped out. And, then they saw their teacher bebop into the room and they were like, yeah! You know, she likes to party too! So, we had to eat breakfast, lunch, dinner together and every night we drank. And, we had so much fun. So much fun. And, I even learned how to speak some really good drunken Japanese. So, um, anyway, uh, but again, you know, looking at it, things just got worse and worse and worse. And, when I was over there, my drinking was definitely daily. And, um, it's funny because one of my, one of my closest friends in, um, she lives in London now. I actually just went to visit her this past summer. But, um, uh, several years after the fact, she ripped out a page of her diary and sent it to me. And it said, my friend Jane decided to cut back on her drinking. That means she didn't drink for lunch on Wednesday. I was like, was I that bad? But I was. And I knew it. And, um, and anyway, yeah, you know, blah, blah, blah. It just went on and on and on. But the drinking got worse and worse and worse. And finally, after three years, I was like, same thing. I'm tired. I gotta get out of here. I need to, you know, change again. So back to, you know, New Jersey, New York, I moved. and, um, and things just got progressively worse and worse and worse. And by this time, I was in, I was about 30. And, you know, drinking, just isn't cute anymore when you're 30, you know? And, um, and I got my first DUI. And, uh, I had a friend of mine who was working at a restaurant down in the Florida Keys. And he said, hey, why don't you come down here? You can waitress. I was like, okay, that's it. I'm gonna go down to the Florida Keys and get sober. I'll drink. I'll get down. So, that's what I did. Only I didn't get sober. And, um, oh, my God. Gosh, I, I mean, things just got really bad down there. Um, by this time, my family had totally, I mean, I come from that saying that Joy was talking about, the tough love, you know, Irish Catholic family. By this time, my family had said, you know what? We can't take this anymore. You're, especially when I, they heard I got the DUI. It was just like, you know, you gotta get your stuff together. Other, we can't take this anymore. We can't watch you, you know, destroy your life the way that you're doing it. So, I, you know, and like Joy, I was like, you know what? What the hell with my family? These people in the bars are my family. They're the ones that love me. They accept me unconditionally. They know how fun I am and what a good person I am. So, um, a lot of that happened down in the Keys, but, um, you know, the, the drug use got worse down there. I did drugs that I never thought I would ever do and, um, I got down to about 90 pounds and, um, I mean, I would just kind of hit this and I would turn black and blue and, um, it was pretty pathetic. I, um, I got down to, you know, almost being homeless if it weren't for my cousin saving me in Fort, up in Fort Lauderdale, I definitely would have been homeless. And, um, and what happened down in the Keys was that incomprehensible demoralization that we talk about. I don't have to get specific, um, but, you know, looking for love in all the wrong places, you know, um, looking for anything to, to fill that hole. Wow, that didn't sound too good. I thought, what did I think? Uh, but, but anyway, you know, things got really bad really quick and, um, that same cousin, you know, kind of, I just called her and I said, Betty, I know I'm going to die. I've, I, I know I'm going to die. I've had like some little glimmer of light. Would you please help me? So anyway, I, um, I started to get my life back together. She, she did take me in and fed me and, you know, I got, I, uh, but by this time, I still hadn't been, you know, even thought about going to any kind of meetings. I thought I could do it all on my own. And, um, and by this time, my family wasn't even talking to me at all. So, um, anyway, I met a wonderful guy. His name was Max. Um, I got a job in Fort Lauderdale and how I met him was, he was, uh, we had so much in common. He was, um, living in, in Austria at the time, but he was coming into the States once a month to, um, to investigate things for his adventure tour, um, travel company that he was putting together. So he was doing like extreme adventure tours over in, um, in Austria and in Europe, like, you know, things like glacier climbing and bicycling through France and, and all that. So he actually, I met him through the company that I was working for, which was a travel company. And, um, gosh, he was, he was great. He was really, um, he loved to travel and love to do, you know, crazy things. Like I think our second date, we went skydiving together and, um, and he wanted to go down to, um, check out some, um, motor sports stuff, water sports, motor water sports down in the keys. So anyway, we, um, we decided to go down and I, you know, I told him I was like, well, okay, you know, that, that'll be cool. I have a friend that we can stay with in, in marathon. So as soon as we hit the Florida keys, boom, first Tiki bar, we hit, we went in and had a bunch of drinks and we did that, you know, as we progressed down to where we were staying in marathon. And, um, and that night we went down to the old seven mile bridge. Um, and because people told us that, you know, there, it was a really cool, um, scenic overview point. So, you know, we went down and we watched the sunset and then we went out and, you know, continued partying and a, a friend of mine's band was playing at a bar that night. So we went and hung out at the bar and I had the great idea of after, uh, the bar, let's go after we hang out at the bar, let's go back to that scenic overview point and let's watch the sun come up. So off we went and, I was driving and the, what it was the old seven mile bridge that they had just blown up for that movie. True lives with Arnold Schwarzenegger. And there was this big sign that said, um, authorized vehicles only. And I was like, oh, well vehicles, you know, we can go down there. So we, we went on and, um, we just were proceeding and it was like, I remember saying to myself, wow, what the heck is this? It's just like a regular bridge road. I wonder where it leads to. And all of a sudden we went around this little curve and, uh, uh, and I went crashing right into this barrier. And I remember it was like, like lightning bolts of pain jolted through my body. And I remember going, oh my God, where did that come from? Oh my God, that thing just came out of nowhere. Oh my God, I'm in such pain right now. What happened? And I looked over at max, and it just looked like he was sleeping. And it didn't take me long to realize that he wasn't breathing and that he was dead. I still can't believe it happened. I was told this story, like, 50 times at least. And I, you know, it still just blows me away when I say it out loud. I just can't believe it happened. And then I just remember waiting for the angels, you know, to come and please take me with you too. And, um, and I remember, you know, uh, thinking it was really wild because, um, I couldn't move my whole left side. I remember I put my, my hand down to my ankle and I lifted my hand up and it was just covered with blood. And my, I felt the bones in my ankle and, um, and, and every breath that I took was a conscious effort because my lungs had been punctured by my ribs. And I was just breathing like, like, and I knew if I passed out that I was going to die. And I thought, and I thought of my family. I thought of my mother, my father, my, my sister and my brothers. And I was like, oh my God, I can't do this to them. And, you know, of course I thought about his family too. Now everyone's going to think I'm like the biggest piece of crap. A drunk driver killed someone. And then all of a sudden I remember seeing those blue lights, you know, and I was like, oh my God. And I thought the police officer was going to treat me like crap too. And he was just so wonderful and loving. And he was like, hang in there, help us on the way. And I, you know, and he was just stroking my hair and they had to get the jaws of life to come and cut me out of the car. And, and then later on, um, incidentally, I met this police officer cause he really saved my life. And he told me that the whole experience transformed me. And I was like, I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. And I think that, of course, I, I think that transformed his life too because he said he was just proceeding down the regular, the new seven mile bridge. And he said something, something, some spirit, something came over him and he literally backed his car up and went down the old path. So, I mean, there's so many miracles, but that's definitely one of them. And there's so many miracles that I wish, you know, from that point on that I wish I could stand here and tell you about, So anyway, I'm going to stop crying now. And I was heliported to the University of Miami Hospital, and my dad and one of my brothers got on the plane, you know, with the shirts on their back and came down. And, you know, it was like my whole family just kind of gathered around me again. And I broke my neck at C1, C2, which is the same fracture that Christopher Reeve sustained. So when I tell you I'm a miracle standing here before you, I am not joking. I mean, truly, like a third of the people who sustained that fracture are killed instantly. A third are paralyzed, and a third are brain damaged because it's right under the brain stem. Every doctor that saw my chart was like, oh, my God, you are a miracle. And you have a reason to be here. So the biggest challenge that I subsequently have had to face is that I have to be here. And the biggest challenge that I have to face is, you know, why am I here? And that's really what got me to, you know, get my life together because I really do feel like God left me here for a purpose. Whatever that purpose is, I'm open to it. Show me. So anyway, the hospitalization is where I, during my hospitalization stay is where I had my first spiritual awakenings. And it was really, quite honestly, it was seeing the elderly people. It was seeing the people that were in the rehab center with me who had just gotten hip replacements or knee replacements that were like in their 80s fighting and smiling and still saying, I'm not giving up. Life isn't over. I'm going to, you know, I've still got plenty of good years. I'm going to do this. Or seeing the children that had bald heads that were, you know, undergoing cancer treatments and just smiling and laughing and having fun. Or the paraplegics, the quadriplegics, the same thing. You know, they all reached out. They all reached out to me and, you know, assured me that, you know, wonderful things were going to happen in my life. And I almost felt guilty. I felt like survivor's guilt at some time. Because my, what happened to me was self-imposed, you know. But anyway, and then I knew, you know, the legal stuff was lurking. And I won't go through that whole process. But I had to go through physical rehabilitation for a year. And the last six months, I had to go, the judge allowed me to stay out of jail so that I could go through my physical therapy. And the only time I was allowed to leave the house was to go to an AA meeting or to go to physical therapy. And let me tell you, that group saved my life. Because I knew, you know, I was dealing with the darkest, deepest hours of my life knowing that, A, you know, I killed myself. I killed somebody because of my drinking and driving. And B, I knew I was going to prison for probably at least 15 years. I skipped through this part of my story, but I did have two other DUIs. So I had three DUIs. And, you know, you'd think I would have learned. But we don't. Well, some of us do, but I didn't. Nobody could tell me anything. And so anyway, I, I, this group that I went to in St. Pete Beach really did save my life. And I went to the 7 a.m. meeting every morning. And, you know, people told me things like, there but for the grace of God, go I. You know, oh my gosh, Jane, you know, that could have so easily happened to me so many times. I used to drive in blackouts with my kids in the car. Like, for some reason, hearing things like that made me feel a little better. You know, like, it wasn't, I wasn't, I wasn't totally alone in doing crazy, sick-ass shit. You know, I mean, other people were doing the same crazy stuff. And, and, oh, they just, they took me in and held me and loved me, even when I, you know, I didn't have a shred of love for myself. And, you know, you guys know when the miracles start to happen, when you open up to it, you know. When the student's ready, the teacher will appear. And that's what that group was for me. Fast forward, I, got sentenced to five years in prison, followed by ten years of probation. Prison was necessary for me. I look back now, and I'm grateful for getting that five years in prison, because I really had a lot of time to do, do major introspection, and to really, you know, start taking seriously self-help books, and taking the big book, right into my heart and soul. I had a sponsor on the outside. For those of you who do prison ministry with AA, God bless you, because let me tell you something. I lived for those meetings. I lived for the outside women coming in and bringing the meetings into prison. It meant the world to me. I looked forward to those every week. It was my sustenance. I looked at these women, and I was like, look at them. They are so happy. It is possible to be happy and have fun and smile without drinking in life. You can't have fun sober. That's what they stood for to me. They also stood for people who have hit rock bottoms, but built their way back up. That just modeled so much for me. Anyway, for those of you who might be thinking about doing AA prison stuff, maybe this might be the impetus that you needed. I also, once again, had two wonderful priests when I was in prison. The first one, I remember it was like, I was two years into my sentence, and it was Easter week. Man, I just couldn't. I was like a shell of the woman that I once had been. I was just kind of going through the motions. I remember I went to confession again, and I said the same thing. Like, you know, Father, I killed somebody. I mean, somebody is no longer on the planet Earth because of me and my irresponsibility and making bad choices. And I remember I looked up, and his face was red, and he had tears streaming down his face. And when he looked up, he was really pissed. He was angry. He looked at me like, you know what, Jane? If I could, I would pick you up by your collar right now and throw you up against that wall and pretty much smack you silly because I am sick and tired of hearing you, say the same confession month after month after month. And you caught me on a bad day, but I'm really going to tell you how it is. He's like, if you think that you're too good to accept God's forgiveness, then don't come back to me again. God has forgiven you. He's taken that sin, and he's thrown it out there into that sea of forgiveness. I've been patient with you as you worked through your self-forgiveness thing, but I am sick of it. You have got to let that go. And, you know, if you're going to call yourself out, if you're going to call yourself out, if you're going to call yourself out, if you're going to call yourself out, if you're going to call yourself out, if you're going to call yourself a Christian, it's your responsibility to accept God's forgiveness. It's as simple as that. So don't come back to me with that same confession anymore. And happy Easter. You know, whatever. So anyway, I remember, and he looked like Jesus, too. He had a beard, and he was a... And I remember, like, oh, my God. You know, and that was a turning point for me. That was a huge turning point for me. I mean, it really hit me deep in my heart, and I did take it on. And I know that that was the day that I did accept self... I did forgive myself. And I knew that I had to move forward. The other wonderful priest was... I got transferred to another prison, and his name is Father Dennis. And he actually did time... He went to a rehab at the guest house where Father Martin went and all that. And I remember at Mass one... And he was from New Jersey, too. And I was at Mass one Sunday, and after Mass, this really cool priest said, by the way, ladies, I want to tell you, I'm also an alcoholic in recovery, and I listened to Fifth Steps. And I was like, whoa. So I, of course, went right up to him and signed up. And I was like, I mean, how cool is this? I get confession, and the Fifth Step, all out of the way in one shot, killing two birds with one stone. So we sat down, and I'll never forget, I prepared for that Fifth Step for months. I mean, I got everything down. I'm that poor priest. Had to listen to so much crap that day. But because I was in prison, again, I had time to do that. I knitted, and I did my Fourth Step. And so I basically had a wonderful experience. And to this day, I don't think I forgot anything. And, oh, the liberation that I felt after that. And again, that was another turning point for me. And folks, I have to tell you, I met the most wonderful women in prison. You know, I remember before I went to prison, I went out on a date with this guy, you know, like maybe a year or two before I went to prison. And I remember over dinner, he told me that he had done time in prison, and I was like, ugh, you know, oh my God, I'm not going out with this guy again. And I never did. You know, I mean, how judgmental was that? But I seriously am here to tell you that some of the most beautiful women I've ever met in my life are in prison. And when you think of it, most of us probably could have done time in prison if you haven't, you know. And I don't know, I just have a really special place in my heart. But when I was in prison, I also made another important decision, and that was, what am I going to do with my life when I get out? And what I decided to do was to dedicate the rest of my life to love and service. And I mean, that's my definition for what life should be all about, love and service. So I got out of prison after five years, and I ended up in Tallahassee, Florida. And because that's where they sent me on a work release program. And so I got out, and I tried to go back and get my teaching certification. And I remember that, you know, the Department of Education is right there in Florida. I made it up to the top, talked to the top guy, and he was like, you will never teach again. You have a felony charge. It's considered a violent crime. You know, I'm sorry, but you're never going to teach again. So, you know, you might want to start looking for another career. So I decided, well, I'm in Tallahassee. Florida State University is here. I might as well go back to college and get a whole new degree and start a whole new profession. So I went into social work. And I went into the master's program, but it took almost, it took two years to even get accepted into the program because you have to go to school. And you have to go to school. And you have to go to school. And you have to go to school. And it was even Florida State because of my felony charge kept saying no to accepting me as a student. But I wasn't taking no for an answer. And I just kept going and going. I never, ever hid anything. I was always straightforward and forthright about what happened to me. When I got out, I started out working at a Marriott as a housekeeper and worked my way up to the front desk. And I was making $7 an hour. And it was the best job in the world for me. I mean, oh, it was a great transition getting into people again. And oh, I'm so grateful that I had that job. And I kept that job for the whole time during graduate school. And so what I would do, and I lost my license for life with no chance of a hardship license ever. So I had to get up every morning at 6 o'clock, be at the front desk of the hotel at 7. So I was in the front desk of the hotel at 7. So I rode my bike several miles to get to that front desk by 7. I worked until 3. And then I rode my bike another several miles down to the Florida State campus. And I would get home at 10 o'clock at night. And that's when I would do my homework. And I'd get up and do the next thing the next day. And I did that for two years straight. Just like with my partying. I don't know how I did that. I look back on it now, and I'm like, I don't know how I did that. But it was like I was in such a rush to rebuild my life. And to get started. And I also, and I'm saying this because there might be some newcomers who are maybe feeling a little resentful towards the system if you're on probation or anything right now. But I also, this is what my judge gave me for probation. I had to go to an AA meeting every day for 10 years. And I had to get my papers signed for 10 years. Now, five years, I was like, oh my God. I mean, how am I going to do that? I don't drive. I'm trying to rebuild my life here. I'm working full time. I'm going to grad school full time. And I got to squeeze in an AA meeting. But they had them down on campus too. Or one of my friends from 909 would come pick me up and take me to the lunch meeting. And I did it. And I never missed a meeting because let me tell you something. I was not going back to prison. And anyway, after five years, the judge, I went before, I went before the judge again and she lightened it to five days a week. So for the last five years of prison, I had to go to five a week. But I would have gone anyway. But it would have been cool to at least have the choice. But anyway, I thank her for that today because I became entrenched in the program. I was able to help so many people and so many people were able to help me. And that's the way this program works. Sometimes, you know, sometimes life is hard. And, you know, one of my favorite prayers was given to me by a wonderful nun in the program, Sister Maurice, who I love going to her. Isn't she the best? So I went on a retreat with her last year and she gave me this prayer because I told her that, you know, the biggest stumbling block that I have are my resentments. And again, I think that's because I'm Irish. I just have some, you know, I have problems with resentments. And Sister Maurice gave me this prayer that I love. You know, she, of course, tells me, you know, the way that she refers to something is called this precious, life-sustaining, life-giving gift called sobriety. I love that. And that's what you have to, that's what we all have to work on every day and be grateful for every day. But here's the prayer for resentment that she gave me, prayer for freedom for resentment. You know, because we all know that that's one of our biggest problems. Great expectations lead to great disappointments, as we all have learned the hard way. And expectations are indeed premeditated resentments. So, working on acceptance is so hard for me. God, help me to look with soft eyes upon all who are part of my days. Break through the barriers of my scrutinizing views. Transform my inner landscape into a peaceful place of acceptance. Pull back my projections and criticisms. Replace my mean measurements and my biased expectations with an openness that allows others just to be. Cleanse me of everything that clouds my perceptions and blocks the sunlight of your spirit. I love that. I love that. You know, and I also wanted to just share how with each of us, you know, I often think if this didn't happen, what would my life be like? I'm sure many of you think the same way. But until the pain gets strong enough, let's face it, none of us are ever going to change. I definitely today prefer to just look at the past, not to stare at it. I share my story whenever I'm asked to. I try not to put a question mark where God's put a period. And I know, I know, I know that there are times that it's never too late to become the person that God really meant for us to be. You know? And oh, my, I, my sponsor always tells me to not close the meeting without talking about, you know, my life today. The big book says, you know, talk about the three categories, your relationships, your employment, and your family. Well, you know, my relationship right now, I have the most wonderful man in my life. Oh, he is, he's the best. His name's Patrick and he puts, he also puts God first. He's also in the program and, you know, once again, like, I gave up on my Cinderella dream years ago. I was perfectly fine by myself. I was cool. I was, you know, okay being single. I liked dating, you know, but I, I never thought that I would meet somebody, you know, at the age of 48 that could, that is my soulmate. And, you know, he's, he's a wonderful encourager. I know that he's praying for me right now at this very moment. And, he loves life. He's a man that just loves life and he's so wonderful to be around. As far as my family goes, it's, everything's been repaired. My, my relationship with my mom and dad has never been better. My brothers and sister are my best friends. As far as my employment goes, get this. Okay, so I got out of college. I started working as a social worker in detox and in the crisis intervention units in the local community mental health hospital in Tallahassee. And I worked my way up to that, to being the supervisor of social services after five years. And then Florida State University asked me to start teaching a class every Monday night. And, so, so, so I started teaching. And guess what class I taught every Monday night? Chemical dependency. No class trips though. But, um, and then, my, this was really cool. My nephew Jack, who I'm so proud of, he's in Houston. He's 17 now. He went into a rehab when he was 14. They start young today, don't they? And, he, he now goes to a sober home. He now goes to a sober high school in, um, in Houston. Yeah, there's only five of them. And he graduates next year. And then he's eligible for a scholarship to UT where he'll be living in a sober dorm. How cool is that? But anyway, this, so, um, Jack was going through, it was like after, you know, all this just started happening. And my brother was like, what's going, I mean, he was like a deer in headlights. He knew about addiction and all that, and alcoholism from me. But when it happens to your own son, so my one brother and I flew out to Houston just to be supportive. And all of a sudden we're having coffee at the table, at the breakfast table, and my phone rang. And it was the dean of the College of Social Work wanting to know if I would accept a full-time faculty position. So, right now I'm working as a full-time faculty member. Not last year, and I'm saying this because I'm not boasting. I just want newcomers to hear this. I want newcomers to hear what can, the miracles of the program. But at a springtime convocation, not this past year, the one before, I got awarded Professor of the Year. And also the Big Bend National Association of Social Workers nominated me for Social Work, or awarded me, I was nominated, and then awarded Social Worker of the Year. So, you know, I mean, it's just, if you told me, I was sitting on a prison bunk. I mean, what, you know? But it just shows that if you just keep taking one step at a time and keep doing the next right thing, wonderful things are going to keep happening to you. Don't ever give up. Don't ever take no for an answer. You know, carrying the principles and incorporating these principles into your life, everybody sees it. Everybody knows it. It's visceral. It's a very big deal. It's all about what you do. And I think that's the real advantage of being a teacher. Always, always remember that, that this higher power, who to me is such a mystery. You know, that's my favorite word for my higher power is mystery. I don't want to know all about it. I just know that it's wonderful and beautiful and it's this lovely mystery. I know that I can rely on my higher power for anything. I also want to just share this because it's really heavy on my heart right now and I'm going to start to cry. I've been thinking a lot about this, and I'm going to start to cry. And I don't want to talk about it. I'm going to start to cry. I'm going to start to cry. I'm going to start to cry. I also wanted to share this because it's really heavy on my heart right now. I'm going to start to cry. So I was going into my class on Thursday night, and I went for a mammogram last week, got biopsied, and I just got diagnosed with breast cancer on Thursday. And I was like, I'm still in shock. You know, like I'm saying, oh, my God, I have breast cancer. And, you know, I'm crying now, but really, believe me, I'm okay. I cried when I got the news, and then I cried because mostly I cried because I had to tell my mother and father, you know. But it's early, you know, early detection, and, you know, and I know everything's going to be all right. And it's so wonderful because I don't even know your name, but this wonderful woman sitting in the front row, I sat next to her last night when I was listening to Joy, and I was cold. And because I didn't bring a sweater, and she had this lovely, beautiful white sweater that she just looked at me with these loving eyes, and she said, do you want to borrow my sweater? It's beautiful, and it's white, and it's soft, and it's like when you put it on, it's going to be like God wrapping his arms around you, and God's grace is going to be in it. And I just looked at her, and, you know, and I just held her hand, and I was just like, I just found out I have breast cancer. And she was like, oh. And then she just gave me a, she gave me this really beautiful, reassuring hug, and she said, well, I want you to wear this all weekend, and it's, you know, like the purity of God's light is in this sweater, and it's going to be wrapped around you. And I said, and I know everything's going to be all right. And she looked me dead in the eyes, and she goes, no, everything is all right. And I needed that so bad. I needed that so bad. So thank you. Thank you. I was like, what an angel. She's like an angel. But anyway, also my sponsor always wants me to close with something from the big book. Let's see. Which one? Okay, and this is so appropriate, because I can actually say in a couple of weeks the 15 years thing, okay? The last 15, it's on page 276 of the big book. You probably all know it. But gosh. I love this. The last 15 years of my life have been rich and meaningful. I have had my share of problems, heartaches, and disappointments. That is life. But also I have known a great deal of joy and a peace that is the handmaiden of an inner freedom. I have a wealth of friends and, with my AA friends, an unusual quality of fellowship. Okay. I am truly related. First, through mutual pain and despair. And later, through mutual objectives and newfound faith and hope. And as the years go by, working together, sharing our experiences with one another, and also sharing a mutual trust, understanding, and love, without strings, without obligation, we acquire a new life. We acquire a new life. We acquire a new life. We acquire a new life. We acquire relationships that are unique and priceless. There is no more aloneness with that awful ache so deep in every alcoholic that nothing before could ever reach it. That ache is gone and never need return again. Now there is a sense of belonging, of being wanted and needed and loved. In return for a bottle and a hangover, we have been given the keys to the kingdom. We have been given the keys to the kingdom. And that is why we are here. We have been given the keys to the kingdom. And that is why we are here. We have been given the keys to the kingdom. You know, and I do, and I also love this. I don't know where I got it from, but, you know, if we follow these principles, the book promises us that we are going to experience hope instead of desperation. Faith instead of despair. Courage instead of fear. Peace of mind, not confusion. Self-respect instead of self-contempt. Self-confidence instead of helplessness. gaining the respect of others instead of gaining their pity and their contempt having a clean conscious I love that one instead of guilt and having real friendships instead of loneliness I love butterflies my favorite recent one is what use are the beautiful wings of a butterfly if the butterfly is just going to remain grounded and I feel like that's what all of us are here doing this weekend we're all sort of flapping our butterfly wings being beautiful women flying around and kissing this one and kissing that one and sharing the love and feeling the freedom and I also love that the name of this is a new life has been given us that's the name of this convention and how true is that and to close I just want to once again ask you for your prayers because I actually go through all this breast cancer junk this week I have my MRI on Monday and my appointment with the surgeon on Tuesday and like Joy was saying there's plenty of times where we say oh my god I can't go to this convention it's like hell no that's where I need to be I need to be surrounded by the love and the hugs and my angels like the one I had last night at this convention so there's a there's a lot of love there's a wonderful divine plan that God has we just have to always remain open and willing to carry out what God wants us to do with that I thank you all and I wish you a beautiful rest of your weekend God bless you thank you