Defects of Character — Don’t Have Any So I Wouldn’t Really Know What to Say 🤣 – Maren B.

I'm Matt, and I'm an alcoholic. Welcome to Monday, 8 p.m. Blue Chip Speakers Meeting at the NAVA Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. This is a reading based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our own personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aableachipspeakers.org will hear our speaker, and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I am one of them, too. I must have. I must have this thing. Now I would like to introduce Maren, my love, my car ride, my roommate up at Spring Miracles. My name's Maren. I'm an alcoholic. I'd first like to thank, thank, not thank, Tim, this guy. Thank you, Tim. I'd like to thank AA and you guys going for AA and the people here. I wouldn't be here either. It took a long time. I never thought I'd be up here. I'll just remember I'm just another alcoholic. My sobriety date is September 29, 2021. So I actually got sober in this room. I sat way back in the back. Had no idea I wanted to get sober. I didn't want to get sober, but I knew I didn't want to drink or use drugs anymore. And at that point in my life, I didn't. It took me a couple of weeks to... get to the point where I wanted to get sober before I get, because it took me, it took me a while to get 37. That doesn't mean this room. Drank for 21 years. Yeah, like I said, I'm not a mathematician, but that's a long time of my life. That whole growth, that emotional growth, that whole like mental growth, that whole, I was very stunted. So the way of life I created with an altered state of mind, I never, I'll predate that out of myself. I wanted to not feel the way that I did, because I was always running away from the, because I never felt okay, and I never felt safe. It was my sister and I. It was my dad, my mom, and my stepdad. Not all on the same roof, but it is 2024. That's not how it was. Like I said, I'm 37, so that's not how it was. It was my dad, and then it was my mom and my stepdad. My stepdad is still my, still in my life. He's been in my life since I was one. And I will say that I love all three of my parents. Very much, and I'm very grateful, and I'm not a victim. I've had some very traumatic things happen. I didn't feel safe. Spent a lot of time outside. Thank God for that. It was great. I got really good at sports. Shocker, right? You heard it? Yeah, really good at sports. And that wound up benefiting me later on in life. I feel like my mom always tried to keep me pushed away. Couldn't really deal with me. My mom had me put on Ritalin. At the time, I was. I was four years old. That time period, it had only been out for two years. So I feel like that my mom just didn't really know how to deal with me. Not that I was a bad kid. I mean, I think I was just a four-year-old. I never really got in trouble at school, ever. One time, or twice, I got in school suspension later on in life for having my cell phone. But that, I never got in trouble otherwise. A couple of traumatic things that happened when I was younger. One thing in particular that happened when I was five that I remember, or that I can still see right now in my mind, like it just happened yesterday. And I was five years old at my cousin's graduation, big graduation, of Indiana. My mom and my sister and myself and my stepdad were walking. And something happened. I believe a woman, like, accidentally made my sister's nose bleed. I didn't witness that. But all I know is my mom gets in this brawl. Then my stepdad. My stepdad jumps in. And I'm talking about it's like a big, huge thing. And then my sister and myself are getting pushed against the wall. Next thing you know, my uncle is coming to pluck my sister and myself out. Back forward, I don't know if I'm, you know, just a mom with stepdads. More so, my sister was always a protector of me. I think my sister got the worst of it because she was around it longer, I guess. And she always protected me from it. And I think that actually brought more on her. I was outside the house and my, I was working on my bike. I mean, I'm, I was in middle school, so like, I was like 11 or 12. And my, I hear my sister screaming like she was getting murdered. And I know, I know my mom had broken off the top of, like, back in the day, the cordless, the metal part. And, like, was laying down on my sister and, like, like, popping her across the, the face with it. And, like, my mom was very aggressive and very verbally and mentally and very abusive. But also, on the flip side of that, the nicest, most loving, sweetest human I've ever met in my entire life. And I loved my mom. And all I wanted my mom to do was to love me. And I could never understand why that those things were happening. Uh, my mom also always made me do things. My mom also always made it seem like it was something I was doing wrong, and that it was my fault for the reason that she, if that makes sense, like, I was the reason that she was doing safe, or, I feel like that definitely had an effect on me. I definitely, and my mom and stepdad, and my mom used to beat the shit out of, excuse me, sorry, Tim, okay, I don't think I'm, oh, hey, Tim. My mom used to beat the crap out of my stepdad. Okay. Yeah, my mom was the, was the one. I have this emotional attachment with women where I'm always, it's like I'm always reaching for affection and their love and in, in the wrong places, like, and it's, it's been with teachers, it's been with friends, it's been with, you know, it's just always in the wrong places. And I've had some good looking coaches. Um. I honestly, I can tell you, or I can, if you were in my mind right now, what my nine and under, or my 10 and under basketball coach looks like, I could, I know exactly what that looks like, too, or what she looks like to this day, it's crazy, but I don't, you know, it's, anyway, but I can't remember anything else from day to day, it's wild to be in my brain. I also had this, so, I said I got really good at sports, right, playing with all the boys next door, and, because I kind of grew up in the country. Got really good at, just got really good, and better than the boys, which, that's really good, really good, just like in the book, like, I had arrived, but I had arrived, you know, with sports, and, um, I felt part of, finally, when I was on the field, or when I was on the court, I finally felt a part of, for the first time in my life, I felt that was my family, and also, I felt with my friends' families, and that made my mom very jealous. She also started to make me feel bad about that, and then, I've always felt really guilty about that, until, I don't know, I think I probably do still feel guilty about that. The first time I ever had a drink was late 14, and it was with, she's actually, the first person I had a drink with is actually the only person that's still in my life from pre-AA, which I suggest, because you've got to change your, you know what I mean? You're everything, you're people, places, and things, because I used to hang out with some low-bottom people, because I was, she and I were thick as thieves, and her dad was also my coach, Coach Ben, and he, he also, when I broke my finger, he, I played travel ball for him, he gave me my first Vicodin, and put me back out in center field. I remember what that feels like, they, I mean, and also, that was when they still made Vicodin, so that was a while ago. But, he took us to a Penguins game, and it was the first time I ever got hammered, so having a drink versus the first time I got hammered, two totally different things. It also was the first time that I actually got that, I think that, for the phenomenon, the phenomenon actually, like it, it, I feel like it kicked in, like it, you know what I mean? Like, yep, okay, there it is. Because, it was like, after that, you know what I mean, there was, there was no, you know, there was no return to black, there was nothing else, because there was nothing else, like, it's like the rest of my life was a blur until three years ago. I mean, I can tell you parts of it, because that's what I was going to do. That was the night I told her dad, my best friend, I'm going to connect the dots for you guys, I promise, you're probably all like, what? I told her dad, the one who gave me a Vicodin, put me in center field. That I was gay, basically. And the reason I say that is because that has also been a big, huge, for a very long time, because I've known, maybe I've not known a name for it, a word for it, but I've known that I was so different, that's what I've been, that's a big thing that I've been running away from. And I've, basically, I've been having this identity crisis for a really long time. And not... not conservative as my family has been, and having to hide. It's just really scary to not know who you are, or not to be okay. It was just very different back then. This is just a big source of shame for me. So I can say that I definitely, before, so I'll say before I got here, this is going to be right before I got here, okay, like the last four years or so, if you ever take, my ex-fiance and I broke up and stayed for a calendar year after that. With the room drinking so heavily, I was drinking like a leaner jack driving down the road. I did not care. Would walk into a CVS that was maybe a little less than a block away, and walk in and take a 12-pack of beer of Modelo and just walk out. I'm talking about when I say that I did not care. That's insanity right there. I mean, that's unmanageable. That's insane. I was hoping to die. I mean, when I tell you I was the most low-bottom version of myself, eventually by the end of that year, I had started to do fentanyl. I don't even like uppers, but I started to smoke meth. I probably weighed like 116, 17 pounds. And this wasn't even the bottom. This wasn't even bottom for me yet. It took another probably two and a half years before I, I came to sit in that seat back there. I, so it took a year of that, and I finally wrecked my car. Brand new car. Didn't even make my first payment on that. I'm not really sure what the guy was thinking who sold me that car. I wrecked it into the median at 1 o'clock p.m. The guy found, or the guy, the cop found fentanyl in my car. I was passed out on the steering wheel with my crutches in the passenger seat. It was just really... Really, really not good. So, my sister had enough. So, my sister rented a U-Haul with my brother-in-law, who's also amazing. They rented a U-Haul and came and picked me up. And I got loaded on Xanax. So, I don't even remember them coming to pick me up. Still moved all my stuff into the car, or into the U-Haul. I don't even remember driving all the way back from Chattanooga. Moved my... Moved me into their house. With my nephew, who I believe was three at the time. How ungrateful and just absolutely... It's just... This is also still not the end of it. So, my sister puts up with me for about a year and a half... Two years? And she kicks me out. And then, I move back into my mom's house. And then, I start managing the kitchen. That's when I move into the shed behind my work. For about a week. It's crazy. Things just absolutely spiral so, so bad. So down. All I can really say is... I definitely earned my seat here. I knew I was an alcoholic and a drug addict before I ever got here. So, step one was not an issue for me. That my life was very much unmanageable before I got here. Step two was an issue for me. But we worked through it. I got a very intense sponsor. Which I suggest. I suggest working the steps. That's what I did. I found a sponsor and I worked the steps. I have a pretty old school strategy to suggest that. So, I wasn't really banking on any sanity because I never had any before. Really. So, that was never really in question. My sponsor just showed... Told me to do the actions. And I begrudgingly did them. You know. I'm not a drug addict or a drug addict since. Step three. I get a little times a day. But I do get... I mean I have gotten better. I've gotten my own understanding. That's what the book tells me. And I forget all the time. But you know what? It's still in the book. It doesn't change. Thank God for that. Because I forget a lot. Step four. What's the word? Inventory. Inventory. This is... For an alcoholic like me, this is my least favorite thing to do. But good thing. This is nothing to do with me. It's not about me. You know what I mean? So, the inventory. Yeah. It kicked my ass. I spent a good hour and a half on the phone with Deirdre, who's not here. But that's okay. It was tough. It took me a good four hours. How long were we at work? I tell you. You know. Thank God it's in the book. But it was a long time ago. I have like half a brain cell left. I do the best I can. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Honestly, you know. That's something I never was or never had before. It's literally changed my life and it's literally reconfigured the DNA that this ain't the same. I can tell you that much. I'm literally completely different. The work was hard but it was vital. Step five. Telling my very intimidating sponsor to stop me. Just answer. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I didn't want to put down on the paper in the first place, but that's okay. You have to do it if you want to get sober. If you want the, what do they say, if you want what I have, you have to do it. And so that's what I did because I wanted what she had, six and seven. So my grandfather, I love her, defects of character. I don't have any, so I wouldn't really know what to say about her. I'm just kidding. She always says, well, I'm not pretty sure. I know it says it in the book also. It just reconfigures it a little bit. But, like, until you find it objectionable, will God, you know, even pay any attention, for example. And she also likes this example. For example, if I'm crabby and I don't find it objectionable, then God's not going to do anything about it. She thought it was funny. That's all that matters. Because she is also crabby. Except seven, it's a prayer. The amends, that is where my recovery started happening. Well, it started happening before, for sure. But, I mean, that's where I feel like all my, like, the actual, like, hang-up was, was in the amends for me. I think for everybody, it might be different. But, like, the varying degrees, like, I don't know, because I'm not anyone else. That's what it was for me. Prayer and meditation, at first, I told y'all my mom put me on Ritalin at four. So, my brain's a little... So, prayer and meditation, I've struggled with the whole meditation thing. And my sponsor was actually a little patient about that. And that was actually kind of nice. She was like, and she was like, it's okay, you know, do this. Like, listen to music. And do your 10-step inventory. Because we do a handwritten inventory. Prepare yourself. That's what I did. And eventually, I just started doing, like, a five, three-minute, five-minute, long story short. My prayer, my meditation is the center of all, centers my whole program. To a certain degree. But it's what brings me to my higher power. Which is centered by, which is the universe. You know what I mean? I feel like everybody has their own path. To a certain, what have you. I'm trying to not misspeak here. I don't know if you can tell. I put people in a round, you know. But, yeah, it's, now I meditate for, like, 35 minutes some days. I'm talking about out there, dude. It's crazy. Anyways, so 12, carrying the message. That's what I'm doing right here. Working with other alcoholics. Sponsoring. I'm doing that, too. Sponsoring some women. I've taken a couple women through the steps. I have a sponsor. My sponsor has a sponsor. It's the 12th step. There's not just 11 steps. So, I mentioned that I've been lost for, you know, a long time. Because I have been very lost for a long time. But, thanks to A&E and you guys, I seem to have found myself in the truth. So, thank you. Thank you, Maren, for telling your story. I have to play my suit. And a good girl is pretty good.