Couldn’t Write Another Word of Step 4 Until She Spoke the Secret Buried Under 47 Years – Sue B.

This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and clear-cut ideas of what happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aabluechipspeakers.org desperately in need will hear our speaker and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I am one of them too. I must have this thing. So I met this lady at the 545 women's group several months ago or a year, I don't know how long ago, but she's super cool. She's super cool. And she's super cool. And her name is Sue B. And so looking forward to her story. Hey there, everybody. Hi, my name is Sue Bennett and I'm an alcoholic amongst other things. So first of all, I'm supposed to tell you what it was like and what happened and what it's like now. And before I do that, I want to get the math out of the way so you don't have to do any of that. I was born in 1961. In December, I'm going to be 60. My sobriety date is... It is 25th of June, 2009. So I picked up a white chip, my one and only white chip, when I was 47. And in June, I had 12 years sober. So that's it. Yeah. Anyway, so thank you. Thank you. Okay. I just wanted to get those numbers done. So yeah, so I was born in London, England. That's why I talk funny. And in December, 1961. If I didn't have a silver spoon in my mouth, I didn't know it. My father was an actuary, which is basically a mathematician and statistician. So they say there are human beings in their actuaries. So that was my father. He was eccentric and intelligent and that. My mother was a social butterfly. And we always had... We had a very... They were not alcoholics. My mother, I think, maybe had some... She drank. She might have been... She had issues that she... I think he was untreated at something. But anyway. I don't know. Love her to death, but God. Anyway. So they didn't drink. They may share a little sip of sherry here and there. They'd share a glass. But anyway. So I never had... I was spoiled, rotten. Anything I wanted, I got it. The longer I had to fight for it, the longer I stayed interested in it. And that was a pattern through my life, you know. I was, like I said, as far as my childhood, I had a sister two and a half years younger. She was older than me. We never wanted for anything. My... We never... We never... My... My family did not believe in corporal punishment. If there was any argument, you know, if there was anything misbehavior, we would discuss it. And we would, you know... So it was a very, you know, peaceful childhood, which I found kind of boring. I was, like, looking for trouble because I didn't feel like I fit in. I did... Right off the bat, I did not feel like... Like I fit in. When I was ten years old, my father... We went to live in Toronto, Canada, for a couple of years. And then we moved from... We lived in North London. And when we came back from Toronto, we lived in the Hertfordshire, in the countryside of England, about 40 minutes from London and 20 minutes from Cambridge. And it was about that time. So I was about 12, I think, when I went and I had my first drink. And when I had that first drink, it was like this. And I was shit-faced. And I was growing up in the bathroom. And I was like, wow, you know. And then I was, like, always trying to sneak out. I had... My mother had... Had our grandmother come and live with us, her mother. And she had what was known then as manic depressive. And I know my mother... I know at night, she would have these little... sleeping drops. And so when my parents would go out, they'd trust me with, like, putting these drops in her water to go to sleep. And I'd always put a few extra in. And then I'd sneak out the window and I'd go tear off where the guy was on the motorbike. I mean, it was... I was horrible. I was a really... I mean, considered, you know, a terrible child. The things I did to my poor grandmother. I mean, stuff like that. And, you know, it's... Yeah, it sounds... But I was... Yeah. So I started drinking, like, around 12. And then... And, you know, in England, you sort of... You tend to go down the pub with your school teachers and you, you know, shoot pool and throw darts and get drunk with your teachers from school because that's what you do. And that's kind of what I did. And that's really all I did. I don't... You know, I was a bit of a rebel. And, yeah, I caused a lot of trouble in the house because I just didn't fit in. But I couldn't wait to get away. And when I was about 19, I think, I kind of... You know, it was too small for me and I'd had enough. And I'd been on vacation in Spain and I'd met these people and they said, come visit us. And I said, okay. So I packed my bag and had, like, $200 and I went to Holland. And I went to live... I lived in Hilversum and Amsterdam for about seven years. And I never looked back. From then on, I have basically traveled around the world. I just kind of... Well, what happened was I... They lived in a commune and I kind of just ended up there. And then I looked for a job. I just went from one thing to another. And at that time, I was just... Basically, I was drinking a lot. I was having a lot of fun. And that's the thing. I have friends that are my age that have, like, 30 and 40-plus years of sobriety. And they hit bottom. I never understood how they could, like, hit bottom at, like, 15 and 16 years old because I had a lot of fun when I was drinking and using. I really... I partied. I never understood people. It's like, oh, something bad happened. Let's go and call the guy. You know, I was like, why? I always wanted to party when I felt good. And I liked feeling good a lot. And it worked for me. It worked for me until it didn't. And that was, you know, for a long time. So I had a lot of fun. I was still... I was a late bloomer as far as other substances went. Drugs are a part of my story, a big part. So I do respect the house I'm in. So it doesn't... It's the symptom, not the thing. So I don't need to talk about any specific drink or any kind of alcohol. But trust me, I've drank it. I've snorted it. I've... I've fired it. I've done everything you can do with any kind of alcohol, you know. So... Anyway, so... I'm in Amsterdam. I'm there for seven years. I then went... I mean, I basically just kind of geographical cured my way around the world. I went from Amsterdam to... Oh, gosh. Where did I go? To the state of the Mingo, to Toronto, to Israel, to Madrid, to Curaçao. I mean, I just lived in all these places. I... I'd fallen in with a crowd from Canada and I'd answered an ad basically for an international... international investment company we're looking for a receptionist. And it turned out to be a boiler room. So I was working for the Canadian Jewish Mafia and we were setting up, you know, boiler rooms all over the world and I was doing international banking. It's... That has nothing to do with alcoholism. So anyway... But I was making way too much... Like, there's the... What is it? Frank Zappa. He used to say, cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money. Well, that's what I was doing at like my early 20s. I was like traveling all over the place making way too much money and having way too much fun. So, and in between I would like go on sabbaticals in Israel and work on the kibbutz where no one could find me and stuff like that. So I was doing all this stuff and none of it... This is... This is the important part. None of it was real. You know? It was all fantasy and fun and none of it was real. And I... And you know, I never had any consequences because when bad stuff happened it'd be like, Daddy, help. And actually, somehow bad shit didn't happen and I always thought that was because I was so hip, hip, slick and cool. Anyway, eventually after Curacao was when I... I landed in the USA. A friend of mine, when I first got here I stayed in Kennesaw. The first place I hit in Georgia was Kennesaw. And I thought, Oh God, this place sucks. Wow. And that was in 1990. That was in 1990. There was nothing there. And I was like really exploring it. Ugh. And then one day I took the car and I drove downtown and I discovered Underground. And I was like, Wow, this is great. This place is awesome. And so... Eventually I was a daytime manager at Blues Harbor. When it was in Underground. And it was great being a daytime manager there because I could just do the books and do the banking and do the bags and then I could just like go straight and start drinking at night and party with the bands. And by now I was already, you know, I was drinking a lot and I was equalizing with other substances so that I could I... that I could, you know, go longer, party longer, do more and just have way more fun. And it was... It was still fun. So we're chugging along doing all that till about then I met... I met my... my husband in 1999. And I met... And he partied like I did. So... And then some. So I was like, Okay, that's my match. So that was with... So I married him and we had a son in 2000. And... And... And I thought, you know, we were mature. We both, you know, partied a lot. So I figured this was good time. We'd probably settle down. I was 38 and he was about 10 years older. So I kind of adjusted things and we started partying light. I was like, you know, just maybe once a month and we did it in the house. And we had a nice... My parents helped us and we had a nice house and it was across the street from my mother-in-law. And her and I were co-presidents. of the garden club. And we would go to the DeKalb Federation Garden Club. Yes, I was... I could... I could put on the act. I could like Little Susie Homemaker during the day. And then, you know... And... And that was fine. That worked for a while. I could pull that off for a while. But not too long. And... And he couldn't either. By the time Zach... Actually, I've got to backtrack because I've got to tell you, when I found out I was pregnant with my son, this was... I had been... I found out I was pregnant. I did not find out I was pregnant until I was into my... Well, into my third month. And I had been using heavily, drinking, drugging, LSD, cocaine, shooting up, you know, you name it. So, by this time, then I find out I'm pregnant. And... I went to... I went to England. I did not... I did not get the amniocentesis thing to find out whether he was okay or not. I didn't do that. My parents... I flew to England to have my first ultrasound. And I knew my parents would want to see if everything was okay. And if it wasn't, they were going to want me to terminate. But I just... I had made a decision that if I'm going to have the ultrasound, if I'm going to look at the baby, I'm going to, you know, no matter what. My son was born perfect. All his fingers and toes. Beautiful boy. And I have to tell you, that was the first time I ever thought it was nothing to do with me. That was the very first time. All the other times I had dodged the law, dodged the Interpol, the fraud squad, every... all of these things that we'd had, all the shit I'd done. I thought I was so hipster, cool and smart. And I had done... I thought I had done all that. This was the first thing I knew. It had nothing to do with me. That I did not deserve this. That this was something bigger than me. But it was not enough to make me stop. It wasn't enough to make me stop. Like I said, I partly stopped... I toned it down. And if I did get high, I would crawl around the floor playing trains with him. I wouldn't ignore him. And I felt like I was being a good mother because I was playing Thomas with Zach instead of running around with the Harley Davidsons like my husband and blah, blah, blah. Bullshit. Bullshit. So, by the time he was five, our marriage was on the rocks. And I didn't understand why. And I come to find out, this is ridiculous, that my husband had found something new called methamphetamine. And I thought that was the reason my marriage was on the rocks. Because I figured, you know, you get high if you want to get high, but you at least got to be on the same flight. You know, I'm on coke and he's on meth. That's the problem with my marriage, right? What the hell? But... That's a bunch of bullshit. But I'll tell you, that was the beginning of my bottom when I tried that shit. And I am so grateful. I've heard a lot of people don't come back from that shit. And I went down. Our marriage went down. When Zach was six, he graduated kindergarten, and another act of God. Somehow, I know a lot of people. I had... A lot of people were trying to... to try and get him... I had... I had outsmarted and dodged him with defects twice and somehow passed drug tests and not had him take it from me. I... Again, I did not deserve that. I didn't do it. I thought I had outsmarted it. Of course, it wasn't me. But anyway, some act of God had... had me put my son on a plane to my parents for the summer holidays after he graduated kindergarten. You know, every logical thing tells me I was getting rid of the goose that was laying the golden eggs because as soon as my parents had my son, they disconnected the IV to the bank account. They turned off the 1-800-DADDY helpline and they said, we're done with you. You're on your own. My parents had enabled me all this time paying... apartments paying this. I could... I could manipulate them. They... And they didn't... They didn't know what to do. Like, I still get... want to get upset. I want to get upset every time I see intervention and I see these families coming together and doing... My parents didn't do any of that. They didn't know how. They just kept my son and they sent him to private school and they... they took care of him but I wanted to file international federal kidnapping charges. But I didn't have the fucking money to even make a phone call to do it. But I was... I was so angry, you know, they took my son and... But you know what? I didn't deserve him. I didn't deserve the house. You know, I'd lost the house they bought for us. They'd sold it, quite rightly so. My husband had gone off and they paid rent on another house for me for six months and they told me to get, you know, to get my stuff together and I did and that had run out and I was pretty much squatting there. Anyway, so my son's in England being taken care of and I'm... I'm really spiraling now because I have no... I mean, I really went down hard and it took about a year. That was... That was after all... Everyone... All our friends and everyone had left there was this one guy that worshipped the ground I walked on. I don't know why. He just... And I used him horribly for money and drugs and sex and whatever and... He would... He'd been around this program for like years and years and he could never get it and he was in and out of halfway houses and I didn't know anything about AA other than I thought it was, you know, a bunch of brainwashed people following sheep sort of thing. See, I've heard... A girlfriend of mine tried it once and I was just like, oh, that's a bunch of bullshit, you know. Anyway, one time he said to me Christmas... I guess it was 2006 or 7. He said... He was going to... He said, will you come with me to an AA meeting? And it was Christmas Day and I had used up all the money on every... I had no money and then I said, well, I haven't got you a Christmas present. That'll be my Christmas present to you. I will go with you to an AA meeting. That'll be my Christmas present for you. We'll go to Triangle. This is how selfish this else said it was. So my Christmas present to Carl was to go with him to Triangle to an AA meeting. Oh, and it was an eating meeting and I hadn't eaten for three days because I was still doing too much. So, okay. So, I said... So, he said something about this guy was going to pay... We were staying at the... I was staying at the Studio 6 up up there and a guy was... He said, well, he'll come and get us but we need to walk up to the gas station because it gets triggered at the motel. I said, I can't walk up to a gas station if he's not going to come get me. I made this poor guy and I forget his name and he came here and I made him mention him later but I made him drive to the hotel to pick us up because I was that important. And we drove to Triangle and we had a Christmas Day meeting. It was a noon meeting. We had food and there was a meeting and to me, I remember... What I remember from that meeting was I thought I saw a lady with white hair and a bun knitting in a rocking chair. From my mind, she was in a rocking chair. Sure, they don't have rocking chairs at Triangle. But she was sitting in my... What I thought was that this lady and she was sitting next to a roadie from Jethro Tull and that's what I remember. I was like, this is cool. They're all... They're all these people all together like that. And after the meeting and I'd eaten and then they were handing out chips and I thought that I had to pick up a chip to say thank you. So I just went up there like, you know, the Queen of Sheba and I picked up a chip and I was like, thank you, thank you, thank you. Like I thought it was a big thing. And that's... That's really... That was a chip I picked up to show you guys I appreciated you. That's... That's true. That's true. Anyway, and then just... That was... So that wasn't a real chip but I did pick it up. So anyway, that didn't stick but the seed had been planted and then I started thinking like, this is cool and I started taking a lot of my friends and telling all these people. I used to bring all these friends of mine to various meetings and my brother-in-law who's now deceased from this disease. I used to... I took him and I remember taking him to Clarkston and I used to sit there and go, God, I wish I was an alcoholic because these guys... I wanted what you all had but I just wanted it with an occasional glass of wine and then at one point I even went to N.A. because I said, yeah, this I need and I didn't hear that alcohol was a drug too and I picked up like two years of those key tags and I thought I had this and I shared with a black key tag that, you know, that I could still have an occasional glass of wine and this CNA program was really good and the whole room was like, you know, I said it out loud, God, put that word in my mouth. Oops. So, anyway, I know, can you imagine? Huge, Martin, I was like, yeah, that went over, that was funny. So, anyway, 2008, I got Zach back from my parents. Now, I had met a group, I met a group called Agape, which is spiritual unconditional love and I met, again, so I found AA for the wrong reason because I wanted to give Carl a Christmas present. Then, I was saying my mother-in-law had given me a place to stay because I was homeless and I still get on very well with my mother-in-law or my mother-outlaw, I call her now because we're finally divorced, but I still get on very well with her and she had let me come and stay there and we both weren't really happy with her son at that time. He disappeared and he was off somewhere doing God knows what. And I was staying with her and Carl was in another halfway house and so, obviously, we hadn't been having sex and we walked in it and there was a flyer coming that they passed out at the meeting about some retreat by Agape, a spiritual retreat that was happening up at Camp Donnie Brown up at... I kid you not. And that's how I discovered Agape. Because I went for the wrong reasons. I went there to get laid and I ended up finding Agape, which is a group of, which is a group from Florida and they, you know, they do A-A-O-A-N-A. They just do the spiritual unconditional love and they throw down mattresses and they go through the steps and they're basically for people that fall through the cracks of A-A and that's, that's where I started to, to, they met me where, where, where I was and, you know, they would say to me, you know, do you go to meetings regularly? I said, yeah, regular, every six months I go to an Agape retreat. I go really regularly because in between I would have an occasional glass of wine. I had put down all the other shit. I really had. I mean, I put down all the, I'd gotten over all this stuff because I had my, I got my kid back and I wasn't drugging and I wasn't drinking alcohol. And I was just, but there was, I was, I was, there was a hole. There was a, there was, there was, it wasn't, something wasn't, I was lost. There was, there was a hole in the donut. There was, I was empty. I was void. I had nothing filling it. And I moved into the Vista Crossing apartments on the Vista Road and there was a girl, a woman there who had a girl about a year older than Zach and I, I decided that she was going to be my best friend and she wanted nothing to do with me. I would like chase after her and, and she would like run away from me and I, and this just shows when I look back now I realize how absolutely lonely I must have been and had no friends anymore at this time and it was on her birthday I tricked her to letting me into her apartment and stuff like that but she said, yeah, I really did. I mean, she said, they were at the pool one day, the kids, and the kids said, oh, we have a puppy staying so I called, I was like, Karen, you got a dog staying? Can we kind of, can I bring Zach to see the dog? She wouldn't let me into her apartment and the minute, and the minute I got in, I said, because I saw her daughter, I said, can I bring up your, can I bring your mom a glass of wine? She's like, my mom doesn't drink wine and the minute I got up to the apartment, she said, I said, oh, Devin said, you don't drink wine. Are you in AA? And she said, it was two minutes before I started asking her questions. Now, they say in AA, they say when the students are ready, the teacher will appear. But you know what, they don't say what happens if the teacher's not ready because that teacher was not ready. But she had no choice because that's, she started taking me, she started taking me to Al-Anon because I was like, you know, I know I'm not an alcoholic because I know that. Well, because at this point, I wasn't drinking alcoholically. I put it all down. I cured myself. Anyway, anyway, so it was her birthday in June and I, you know, wanted to spend it with her because she was my future best friend. And she, and she had other plans like the Clarkston multiples at Tucker and one of her best friends was celebrating 25 years and I said, well, I'm coming with you. It's your birthday. It's your birthday. I'm coming with you but I'm not picking up a chip. And she said, okay. And she couldn't say no to me because it was an AA thing and I wanted to come. So she'd always been told they had to take me. And I remember sitting, sitting at this June multiples meeting at Clarkston. The room was full. There were so many celebrants. In fact, there were three people celebrating 25 years. The three amigos they're called and a lot of other people celebrating. And I remember Lindy told her story and I just, I remember and then they were doing the chips and suddenly and I heard everyone clapping and I was looking around the room and there was this bloody white chip in my hand and I have absolutely no recollection of me getting up and going to get it. But I heard everyone clapping and I was sitting there with a white chip and I'm like, that's it. And then, and then I quickly asked Karen to be my sponsor. She told me she had, I said, when was the last time you had a drink? And she said at that time, she said 23 years ago and I was like, why would you brag about that? I was like, why would you tell anybody that? It just didn't make sense to me. But she's so, it just seemed weird. But anyway, I, so I just said, okay, well this is, this is it. This is what I need to do. I mean, so it was God. It wasn't me. It was a God thing. So I quickly asked her to be my sponsor before she could think about it. Because otherwise, I'm afraid she wouldn't answer my phone calls and of course she was my best friend. So she had to answer my phone calls. So I asked her to be my sponsor and she couldn't say no. And then I proceeded to drive her totally crazy by calling her like so many times a day because I absolutely absolutely no one else. And I also thought I didn't need to do anything else because I had everything in this, in my apartment complex. I had her and she had a daughter that was for my son and I did that. And so I, I hardly, I don't think I even went to, I didn't go to that many meetings. But what I did like to do was go to the 8 a.m. meetings because they were literature. They were early morning meetings and they were in the literature because for me, when someone says to me, you know, read steps one, one in the big book of the 12 and 12, I look at them and their words on paper and they're flat and my mind's going around here and the words there and I'm not getting it. But when I sit in a literature meeting and we read a few lines and then we talk about them, those words become alive. They become four dimensional. They become, they're living words. And so I'm actually learning the literature and I'm learning what, how to, how it applies in real life. So that's why I loved at Clarkston, the 8 a.m. meetings, I think, and Abba has 7.30. They do, I came to some of those. So those early morning meetings that were in the big book, the 12 and 12, as Bill sees it, those are the meetings that I really like because that's how I learned the first 164 pages and the 12 and 12. And then after 30 days, how I remember it is that when I had 30 days sober, Karen called me in the morning and congratulated me on having 30 days sober and in the evening, she said, now you need to find a new sponsor. Because I, anyway. So I, I sort of kind of did for a while, but then, then I was, I got really into a real deep depression. And one morning, she was just standing at the foot of my bed and she said, get up. And I said, no, I just take, I don't need a day to rest. She said, you did that two, the last two days, get up. And she dragged me in my pajamas to an 8 a.m. meeting and it was, I was gross. And, and, and then she took me to IHOP and then she, oh, she was going to feed me and, and she explained to me that if I, that I was going to go out and I said, why? I don't want to see anybody. I don't want to talk to anybody. How could that be? And I was, I was working on my fourth step at the time. Um, and with 47 years of everything, everything, everything, and me being kind of, I've got to do everything just right because if I don't do it right and, and I've got to have everything, you know, I, I was, I, I didn't think I'd get my fourth step right and I, and I, and I spent so much time on it and I was, I was, I just was struggling with it and it was presenting itself like a, a depression and because I was afraid if I missed something on it or I, it wasn't thorough or I hadn't got everything or da, da, da, and, um, so she said, you're going to, you know, and I kept saying I can't do it, I can't do it and she said, well, you're going to sit at my dining room table and write it and, um, she said, go get what you've got so far and Steve Joyner, Steve C, who is like, you know, the guy who was celebrating 25 years, um, he's a friend of ours and, uh, and he came, he's often, you know, it's, it's a we program. We have a, we have a network which is a net that works because we can't do this on our own and that's what I love. It's, it's not just one person. It's, we always call in, you know, never do anything. I always, always, we always do it, stuff together and, um, and I went over to her apartment and we got my stuff and got what I'd written already and Steve's like, she's not writing anymore. I'm out of here. You're listening. She's written. So I was like, okay and it turned out I had an issue. I had something that was right here and until I had shared that, until I had spoken that to myself and God and someone else, I couldn't get the rest of the other stuff and, you know, I, I needed to do that and that's why when I, I work with people, sometimes, you can't get that whole full step out in one go. I, I had to, my experience was I had to get out something that had happened a few, couple of years back with my family and my nephews and it was there and there was a lot of shit piling up to it and that needed to be cleared first to clear the way. So, and stuff comes up for me, for me, it comes up piecemeal. That's how I'm going to say it. I can't, um, so I don't push boncees, you know, you get, if you can't get it down, let's do what you've got and then, you know, and as soon as I got that done, more stuff comes and as soon as I got that done, more stuff comes because, you know, it never stops. It never stops. Um, and then, um, so when I started doing my list, by this time, Karen had taken me back as her sponsee but later on and I'll just say this quickly, um, we now both have the same sponsor. I, I have her sponsor, my, was, was, is my sponsor now because we are now like family. She's now, she's not only my best friend, she's like my sister. Like, we got so close. Yeah, really, I mean, we were, I mean, our kids are like brother and sister and her and I are like family and, um, and, you know, when I, when I started getting into a relationship, which I had a couple of relationships, one at two and a half years sober and one at five and they were both fatal, epic, uh, fatal errors. Epic fails, I should say. But she was, she was, she was sort of too close to me to be able to be objective. So anyway, so got another sponsor. She was, she was my best friend. She finally got it. Thank God. And I didn't have to change her anymore. Um, anyhow, so, eighth, eighth step, making that list and going through that with your sponsor, me going through that with my sponsor was a huge, a huge help because I thought I had to make amends to all kinds of people that I didn't and didn't think I had to make amends to all kinds of people to all kinds of people that I did. Uh, the, the first one being, you know, um, the landlady from the, the house that my parents had paid six months rent and I then squatted for another two or three months to make amends to her. And, um, and that was hard. Um, and it turned out when I finally did speak to her on the phone that she was working with a, um, a Christian recovery program and she knew all about this. And when I told her that I was sober and I was doing my eighth, uh, ninth step and I was calling her to make amends for, you know, having squatted in her house and all the terrible things that, you know, she said, I'm so glad we've, it had been praying for me, you know, for all these years they've been praying for me. And I did horrible things to her house, you know, had so many people in there and made it such a mess of it. And, uh, and as I was driving down, um, Pangborn, one day I saw her car in there and I actually stopped and pulled in and we hugged. And it was awesome. It was wonderful I met her there. Um, so steps 10, 11, and 12, they're my maintenance steps. I do them to the best of my ability. Um, I pray a lot more than I meditate. Um, I wish I could do the meditation more. I try it. I'm not very good at it. Um, and step 12, um, I'm doing it right now. Here I am doing step 12. I, I do, um, I do a lot of service. I've, I've, the last couple of years, um, I have, I have a service work sponsor because I, my service work is, is, um, I'm not, I don't know. I have some sponsees, yes, and I have a regular sponsor. Um, but I've been doing service work at, um, at intergroup level and, uh, central office and stuff like that. Um, I'm better, I think I'm better at that than, I don't know, I'm not, I'm not going to say I'm better at that than sponsoring people. I just, sometimes, um, I'm just, I needed a service work sponsor to help me with some things. Um, and that's good. Uh, it helps, you know, to always, the more, it's a wee, it's a wee program. It's a wee program. Definitely, the more, the merrier. Because, um, some things are tough. Uh, let me see, what else? What else, what else? My mind's gone blank. I knew it would if I said what else. So, today, today, um, my son, um, started at Alateen when he was, um, 10 years old. He started, he came back to me when he was eight. I got sober when he was nine. He, um, he wanted, he, coming back from, from England, he just wanted to be with me all the time. So he would come with me to meetings and come with me everywhere, come with me everywhere. And I came down here and I would come with a sponsee and her son and another lady and her son and we would eat dinner downstairs and then the three kids would go and sit behind a partition in the dining room down there and they started a little group of Alateens. And now, it's a huge group of Alateens. It's called In Town Alateen and it meets on Thursday nights and we used to call it Thursday night, uh, family night at Nabba Dabba Doo. Because they would have, you would have, you would have the men's, the women's, the Al-Anon and the kids. It was like something for the whole family and you could have dinner first. So I would, we would be here every Thursday night and the kids, the kids just, they grew, they blossomed, they went, would go to, to the rock for a, uh, camp and then my son would be going to Macon for God's sakes and doing stuff in Macon, um, as some, some thing which I haven't even done. I mean, I, I went, I was secretary of the zone but I have never been a GSR. He was the bloody GSR ever in, in Macon and I went along with him once to watch, you know, and it was like, oh yeah, this is too political for me. I'm going back to inner group. I can do inner group right now. I can't do the zone. But, um, and, and yeah, and, and you know, talk about coming full circle a few years ago we were, Zach and I were asked to do our Alateen AA mother and son story and we told our stories together and that was pretty, that was pretty cool because, uh, you know, hearing him, I wanted to sit there and go, that's not what happened. That's not what happened. And then, then I thought when I tell my story I had to sort of PG it down a bit because there were Alateens there and I only had like 20 minutes but I was a little nervous because I wasn't sure how it would come across to him but he came up to me afterwards and said, Mom, you were cool. I didn't know you were so cool. So that was kind of nice but, so that's, that's the child that, that I, I had, um, nothing to do, you know, I had, that was born perfect that is, and doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't use. I mean, this kid is like, I don't know, I, I can't believe he even, that he sometimes, that he ever came for me. He has the benefit of, um, of seeing me the way I am now and he sees his dad who is still actively drinking and using and he's like, yeah, I want that. And I tell him, you know, my parents are not alcoholics. I said, you may, it's gifts generations, you may be able to enjoy it. He's like, I don't even want to risk it. So, he's, yeah, I know, he's a born caretaker. I've given birth to a caretaker. His girlfriend is, I'm saving her a seat because he's taking care of her. Oh, yeah, you go it. He's, he's taking care of her, all right. But, you know, he's, he's 21 now and he's at Georgia State in terms of film and media and he's, you know, he's got a beautiful girlfriend who's, yeah, that's probably going to be, have a seat here. But anyway, he's got, he's got her. He's driving her around everywhere. I said, why are you driving? Because she's drinking. Okay. But anyway, so, it's, it's, it's good. It's a good life today. One other thing is when I, when I stopped, when I started getting sober, I, I, I wasn't really working. I wasn't really doing anything. I was still sort of flittering around and, but rent and stuff needed to be paid and I was still manipulating people for, for that. And at one point, I realized I had some prescription medicine that I hadn't been using but I kept filling the prescription so I realized I could sell these prescription medications for rent. And I talked to my NA sponsor about it and she said, sober people don't sell drugs. So I'm like, well, but it'll pay my rent. So she gave me a job and I, she said, do you clean houses? And I was like, no, but I know how to. And then she said, well, so I went to help her. I did it because she needed help. Not because I needed a job, because she needed help. So I went to help her and then she got sick. And so I said, well, I wasn't ready to let her, you know, I said, you go get better and I'll take care of your business while you get better. Well, she didn't get better and I inherited her business. So I now love cleaning houses and it pays my bills and I thank Laura Teeve every day for the, for what she gave me with a client database. And, so I want to say that sober people don't sell drugs and you don't need to and I've never had to walk for a month's rent since I started cleaning toilets. That works. I'm telling you, it's great. So that's another gift for sobriety and you just, you never know what's out there. So, I think I'm done. Thank you. I'll be me sometime to breathe not that I don't want to see and forget my words myself