Contempt Prior to Investigation Nearly Cost Me the Best Thing in Sobriety – Erin S.

My name's Erin. I'm an alcoholic. Hey, Erin. My sobriety day is September 2nd, 2021. I have a sponsor, and I sponsor other women. And my home group is more than potential young people's group of Alcoholics Anonymous. We meet in Duford at Trendy House on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays. If you are interested in that meeting, you can see me after. Thank you, Tim. There you are. For inviting me to speak here tonight and for this home group. It is a full circle moment to be speaking here because I used to live, I mean, like a minute and a half outside of this door when my alcoholism was probably at its worst. It's not my first time here at this clubhouse. It's my first time telling my story here. And I'm always reminded of that every time I get off this exit. It's the same exit I used to live off of. I used to live behind that Waffle House over there. Tonight especially, I was like, wow, this is, it's crazy that we suffer. I'll speak for myself, but I know a lot of people can relate to this. I suffered in silence for so long. And there was an AA meeting going on two minutes away. So that's just how that works. I'm going to tell you guys a little bit about myself and then what this program has done for me. I'm going to start with this. When I got here, I thought I was different for a multitude of reasons that I will get into as I tell you more about myself. I will try to change the way that I feel in any way possible with or without substances. That is just the truth for me. This program, when I say that, I mean the steps. The steps of Alcoholics Anonymous work in every single area of my life. Even when I think it won't every single time. That has been the truth for me. I grew up in Gwinnett, full house. There were four kids. My dad drank a lot like I would come to drink and my mom didn't. My mom's the type to like have a glass of wine and dance around the house. She's really adorable in that way. We grew up around a lot of dysfunction. My parents separated when I was eight. And my dad moved in with his sister who is an extremely active addict. And my mom moved into the park and that worsened his state a lot, mainly because it just became easier. My mom became a single mom of four kids. And so she worked multiple jobs to try to kind of fill in the gaps there. We had a lot of unsupervised in both homes. My mom had to work. She didn't really have an option. She was financially supporting herself and all four of us. She didn't get any support. And she did the best that she could. She did what she had to do to make things work. However, it left us on our own. Let's say 90% of the time. I enjoyed being at my dad's house because my dad would kind of leave and go drink with his friends. And my aunt because she drank a lot and she would just like throw us in the bed of her truck and throw a sheet over us and just like drive us wherever we wanted to go. You know what I mean? Like at that point, it was like I was happy to get a candy bar from the gas station. Like those things meant everything to me. And she would take us bowling and we would do all the things. And I don't know, that felt like living to me. There was a lot of responsibility that I was tied to. Absolutely. I was at my mom's house. I'm the second oldest, but I'm the oldest girl. And that means something. You know, I took care of all my siblings. And I don't know that anybody ever looked at me and told me that was my responsibility. But that's just the role that I took on. And I was not very good at it, as you can imagine. I think I was born an alcoholic through and through. I've never known how to control my emotional nature. I've always been full of fear. But for most of my life, my fear came out as anger. So I was an angry kid. My siblings kind of feared and resented me. And I didn't set a good foundation for what those relationships would grow into. Obviously, as a kid, sometimes there are circumstances that you can't really control. And that was the truth for me. But I absolutely played a very conscious role in continuing those dynamics as I got older. And especially as I got further into my drinking. I learned at a very young age how to steal. I didn't really mean to learn to steal. But I remember I fundraised a lot. So I joined Relay for Life. Oh God, I hate to name-call organizations. But that's why we get to make amends. But I joined different organizations. And I would go door-knocking for money. And my intention was always to hand that money over. My intention was always to hand that money over. But I just remember that any time I had money in my hands, it didn't make sense to give it to someone else. We didn't have it. And so I just kept it. And that became my plans for the things that, mainly the things that I needed, but oftentimes the things that I wanted to. That's how I got to join my friends at Skate Country and do all the somewhat normal things. That was really important to me, was to feel like I could fit in in some normal capacity. And so I found ways to do that. An important theme in my story is that if anything outside the doors of my house, I wanted to be pretty opposite of what I was used to. I did not want any kind of emotional obligations to friends or any kind of anything that was supposed to be fun in my mind needed to be fun and strictly fun. If someone felt like they were entitled to my emotional bandwidth, it was just like an easy no for me. I could easily go where someone required less of me. And so that's what I did. That's kind of how I learned to go out into the world and exist amongst friends and partners. And all the things. I had my first drink when I was 14. It's funny, I was thinking about this earlier. I was actually also offered my first drink at 14 and I declined because the drinking didn't matter to me yet. I had never had it. What mattered to me was having fun, like being out in the world and being a part of, like being a part of the fun because I felt so, like I felt shackled to my life at home. I felt shackled to the responsibilities. It felt like my house was full of, full of guilt and anger and responsibility and expectations and any way that I could be a part, like I said, of the opposite of that, that was enough for me. And so I remember I snuck out at 14 to go meet this boy and that was enough. They were older than me and they offered me a drink and I said no because it didn't appeal to me. Like I was getting what I needed from that situation. I mean, it only took like six months until I said yes, but drinking became, drinking became like the focal point of social situations, which is really how I, why I guess I said yes to the first drink. I mean, it would have happened at some point regardless, but this is just my experience. I was around enough people and I was around alcohol often enough to where it was like this is just what we're doing and if I want to keep being at the center of this, which is what I wanted, then I needed to partake. And so I did. I was a blackout drinker from the first time that I drank and that remained true. I can probably count on my hand the number of times that I've not drank to blackout. And I remember I would find all these ways to justify that truth, right? Like when I drank, I was a very coherent drunk. So like my ego took a lot of pride in that, right? That I wasn't falling on the floor and, you know, rolling around in my own vomit. But people would ask me the next day why I didn't drink more and I wouldn't have one single memory of what happened the night before. And so there were so many, this was like, you know, I was building my like drinking resume. Of how I could do this well enough and why I was, you know, better at it. And because I was good enough at it, then at some point all of those things would convince me that I didn't have a problem. And that just happened over time. Blackout drinker. Went to college. Continued to drink that way. College was interesting because my drinking didn't really change. My level of independence didn't really change. All of those things kind of the same. I wasn't getting anything in that regard that I hadn't already had most of my life. But there was something about college where I like was becoming a lot more conscious of myself. Which sucked. And also getting, starting to engage in like really unhealthy relationship patterns, which was a big thing for me. When I was growing up there was a lot of abuse that went on in my house. Really like all forms of abuse happened under our roof. Naturally, I created the same dynamic that I was very familiar with. I got into my first abusive relationship when I was about 17. Maybe a year into college. And it was bad. But I remember it was so visibly bad. Like I could see and feel how bad it was. It was like physical abuse. And this guy would like totally lose his mind. He would like hide in the trunk of my car and do all these crazy things. And I was able to like put my finger on why it was bad. And that was helpful for someone like me. And I removed myself by drinking. Became, increased its pace. I increased my pace during that relationship. But I got out of it. And I remember every single time I would get out of a bad situation think this is my fresh start. And I really believed that. No part of me really until I got very close to walking into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous saw clearly how much alcohol was the common thread. I was very oblivious to that. Especially at this point. But my drinking was increasing. Naturally, the way I got out of one abusive relationship was I let some new man save me from the situation that I was in. And it got worse. And I was blind to it. I have no tools. Right? I think it's so interesting. The way that I live life today and the way that I lived life then. It felt like I just, I didn't realize this then. And you couldn't have convinced me that this was the case. But looking back, when I think about what it was like then, it's like I just was completely blind. Like walking around with my eyes closed. Just like waving my hand in front of me. And just seeing what happened. I had absolutely no tools to handle anything that was going on. And I knew nothing about myself. And thought I knew everything. And that's scary. As I became more aware of like the situations that I was in, I became really aware of how hypersensitive I was to life. And I had this mentality of like if I can just feel special, then I'll be okay. Like if you can make me feel special, then I'll be okay. Which meant that my ability to think straight was dependent on everybody around me. Especially the people closest to me. Especially the people who somehow got tricked into dating me. All of those people, they held the key to like how well I was doing on like the day-to-day basis. I mean the second-to-second basis. Because it could change very quickly. And that never worked. I learned when I got here, right, that like human resources failed me. And that was just a bunch of examples. And really have like a good understanding of what that meant. It's funny thinking about my relationship with God. And how that's grown. I wouldn't say I was like afraid of the God topic when I got into the rooms. But like what does it mean to have a working faith? And I think if you would have sat me down and asked me like, you know, what is your relationship with God like before I came into the rooms? Like as I'm walking through all of these really hard things. I probably would have told you that it existed. But I had no idea what it looked like. I had never even tried to practice what it looked like to believe in something outside of my own self-will. I heard someone say this. I always think the result ought to be the thing that I'm pushing for. Man, is that true. In every area of my life. And still can be so true today. Right? Like when I hold on so tight. It's like, okay, well if I'm working towards this specific thing. That must be. I'm waiting on that result. And seldomly the case. It is. Before I got sober. Sometimes it is today. If I'm. The thought is inspired. And it just happens that way. But not super often. In college. I was introduced to. Other forms of opportunity. Other forms of alcohol. And I'll keep this as aligned with the room that I'm in. As I can. But this part of my story is important. Because it is one of the ways that I thought that I was different when I got here. I was introduced to other forms of alcohol. When I got into that new relationship that was supposed to save me. And things got dark really, really fast. I got to my knees fairly quickly. I would say that God spoke to me through cars. Because I would go on to get in like eight hit and runs. And towed like five of my cars. That was never enough. Like I was. I was getting to a point where I no longer wanted to live. That I was too afraid to die. I would go out. I would get drunk. And when everybody wanted to continue to party out. And be social out in the world. I would. You know. Take all of my things. And go home. So that I could drink the way that I wanted to drink. And then most of the time. For some reason. My. Routine became getting in the car. And I lived downtown at the time. I would. Get up in the morning. And go to work. And go to work. And go to work. And go to work. And go to work. And go to work. And go to work. And go to work. And go to work. And I would get in the car. As soon as the sun went down. And it started to get like really dark. And I would put my sunglasses on. And I would buy like extremely dark sunglasses. Because I wanted to see as little as I possibly could. And I would like get as messed up as I could. And I would get in the car. And just fly down the highway. And then I would just close my eyes. And take my hands off the wheel. And I remember like that. That feeling of wanting to get close enough. I wanted the universe to do it for me. And I didn't care about who I harmed. I just wanted to be loved. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to do it for me. And I didn't care about who I harmed in the process. I didn't care about any of those things. I just wanted to die. And I just got scared to do it myself. So, February 25th of 2021. I got into a car wreck. Hit and Run. With an 18 year old. Was completely in a blackout. Somehow, fine physically. Like I was safe. I was safe. And I never felt like I needed to do it anymore. I need to maintain my balance and say, Oh, I'm fine. I don't need to do this anymore. Just cleaning attached to my world. I just checked out of thepassency app. And got tanned someone for me. Yeah. I was just, and I got picked up and brought home, and the first thing I did was, as soon as I got back to the house, and at this point was engaging in other forms of alcohol, and I'll kind of stop talking about that here, I went back to the house, somehow got past talking to the police officer without her finding out that I was completely blocked out, and I ended up overdosing that same night, the same officer that was at the scene of my wreck came to my overdose. And after that, I went to the hospital, I came home, drank, and spent the next two weeks in a blackout before I went to treatment for the first time. And it just goes to show, like, I just remember being terrified, I remember being terrified to drink, not knowing what else to do. Like, coming home from the hospital and knowing that the worst thing that I could possibly do was put alcohol into my body, and yet I felt like I didn't have any other choice. And so I drank. And I didn't stop until I went into treatment. And that was my first time in treatment. It was on March 13th of 2021. I ran in. It was my first time ever being introduced to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I am forever grateful for that. Yeah, I'm forever grateful for that. I came out, went to my first in-person AA meeting, because at the time, when I was in treatment, we didn't go to any outside meetings. We did them all through Zoom. So I came out and went to Serenity House in Buford, if anybody's, I know my people have been there, but for anybody who's been over there. And I got through my first meeting. It was a beginner's meeting. I dragged. I dragged my brother there with me, because I was terrified to go alone, which, thinking back on it. And I had the ego of a freshly sober person, and I spoke as much as I could. I don't remember a single thing that I said, but I do remember the people that were there. And I stayed for about five months. I worked through the steps and got through about, I think we did step five. And then I spent, you know, I did my entire inventory to the best of my ability, which at that time was taking my sponsor hostage for 10 hours and talking about myself. And I didn't know that for a time that there was still a separation. Right. And, and this kind of goes back to what I said at the beginning of my story. During the back of my head, I thought that because something else brought me alcohol there and said, I may not be an alcoholic, completely identify with you guys. I don't think I ever let that thought get to the very front of my mind. Like, I knew it was there, but I wouldn't acknowledge it, because you guys told me what it meant to acknowledge that. Right. The only step I have to do perfectly is step one. Then I'm screwed if I say that out loud to any of you guys. That's what I thought. At some point, I kept it in long enough, and I drank. And I remember thinking, I remember I sat in like a week of meetings before this, and I would look at them handing out the chips, and I would think to myself, I think I'm going to go drink tonight, and I'll just come back tomorrow and pick up a light chip. It's just going to be that easy. And at some point, I convinced myself that that was true, and I, and I had that first drink, and it was the first time that I was consciously aware of everything that it told me in the book, that allergy and that obsession. And I knew it was happening, and I couldn't stop it. And that was terrifying. I spent the next month and a half drinking until I was physically ill, mentally and spiritually ill. So that just got worse. But like physically, I got to a really bad state again. I went back away to detox on September 2nd, and that's my sobriety date now, September 2nd of 2021. And I came back this time knowing that I was an alcoholic, that it didn't matter what it was that I put into my body. If I was doing it to change the way that I felt. Then I would inherently just get sicker and sicker and sicker. And I learned that to be true in many, many, many more ways since I've been here. I also learned that the fellowship is not enough to stay sober. The fellowship is so important. I don't think I can emphasize that enough. The fellowship saved my life and continues to save my life on a regular basis. I got really plugged into the people when I came in for that five months. Very plugged in. I went to all the things. I went to all the game nights. I went to people's houses. I was doing my step work. I did. The things that I just, I just wanted to have fun. Still, we, we quickly forget how true it is that this is life or death. I know I quickly forget. I came back in practically begging for help. I sat, I mean, I literally sat on my hands. My whole body was trembling and I just cried and I didn't have anything else to say. I came in the first time with so much to say and I didn't have anything this time. That habit stuck around longer. It stuck around longer than it should have because for a while I was like terrified to speak because I was like, I clearly know nothing about. Like I drink, I'm terrified to drink again, so I'm just going to shut up. So I did that. I, I continued working with the same sponsor I had originally and we kind of like continued going through my sections and moving and I got a new sponsor and my program has really transformed through that experience. When I sat down with who is my sponsor today, what I wanted, and not in the way that you might think, right? Like the life that she has specifically, like the details of her life, like even to this day, not specifically what I want. She's, we're very different people. But she had the freedom that I wanted. It didn't matter what the other things in her life looked like. It didn't matter if she had two crazy kids running around her house. It didn't matter if she fights people in her free time. Like not, you know what I mean. She had boxes or something like that. Now I'm totally butchering what she actually does. It's not about that. It's about the freedom. And when she talked about it, I believed her and I wanted it so bad. Like I remember it was the first time that I was like excited. Like jumping in my seat. And I had never been excited about being an alcoholic before. And I don't even think I realized that that's what was happening at the time. But it was. Looking back, I know that that's what was happening. And we sort of walked through the steps. We worked with, we worked in a group with her other sponsees at the time. She called it like our safe landing pad, which was adorable. And we just met once a week and we shared all of the things that were going on. And we walked through the steps together. Like we all did the work separately, but we talked about these things together. When I say these things, I mean the book. Like we walked through the books and the 12 and 12 books. And we walked through the books and the books and the books and the books and the books and the books and the books and the books and she taught me what it meant to live in 6 and 7 and how like God will be happy enough with me if I try. That meant something to me because I had this idea that I had to get it right. When I got here I was like I had to go. so scared of doing something wrong because I was so terrified to drink and I was my own harshest critic and I think sometimes that can still be true but I've learned a lot of grace in this process and you guys have shown that to me and those people specifically that group of women showed it to me and they showed it to me over and over and over again I didn't really touch on how much of a mess I was when I came in to the rooms for the first time I was a mess and they saw me through all of that and they loved me through all of that and I'll make today that I can do that for someone else too but at the time I couldn't have I would have judged the hell out of you if you were doing the things that I was doing but they didn't it got me excited about sobriety I went to my first assembly during this time I wasn't GSR for a group but my best friend was and she asked me to go with her to GSSA and I was like this like okay I know that's not everybody's experience I know it's Chrissy's experience you very much so great I loved it and I remember coming back and telling my sponsor like I love this I want to be of service and I had been of service on on smaller levels before my first service position was alternate literature rep for a group and pretty much all I did was order medallions which was perfect for me at the time because I don't think I could have taken on more responsibility but I was learning and sometimes I messed it up and people didn't get their medallions on time but once again you guys have grace for me because I always got them except one person I have there so I remember coming back and telling my sponsor and my sponsor who's done all sorts of things in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous she she was like yeah that's totally not my thing you know assembly and things like that she's like but I'm glad that you like it and she what she did for me throughout this conversation was she and she does this for me often is she releases me of these expectations that sometimes I usually set on myself but that I feel like are set on me by other people especially in AA and one of those was that I'm not going to be able to do it again uh so yeah so yeah I think you have to set aside a set of expectations that are not going to have to keep you back from somebody else in the building and I think that's where the most important part is how to be of service or what it looks like to be a service I think we get some pretty strict ideas I'll speak for myself I think that I got some pretty strict ideas of what service was supposed to look like when I got sober and that was supposed to look like always having a flock of sponsor and whatever it was cleaning that it depends on what things you're ready for a different expectation for every stage of society to be honest started with coffee and all the things all of those things are important and I think and that's what I was encouraged to do is to try it all because because if not I'm making a judgment before I have any experience I mean I probably would have written off assembly had I not actually gone like if you would just sit me down and describe what it was going to be like I actually wouldn't have gone but I'm so glad that I did I have found my place in service and that place frequently changes I'm about to roll off of the service position that I'm pretty excited about rolling off of but I had a great run like I it is something that served the purpose that it was meant to serve I learn more about myself with everything that I get to do here in the room it's Alcoholics Anonymous I was not a reliable human being before I got here and sometimes I still get someone's also what's the word like when you feel like this identity fraud you know what I'm talking about imposter syndrome I'll have to make someone remind me of that every single time imposter syndrome I get imposter syndrome because people will like describe what they feel or what they feel about what they feel about what they feel about what they feel about what they feel about what they feel about what they feel about what they feel about what they feel about I am you know what they see in sobriety and I'm like no no no that's not me like I'm so unorganized and like I do not have my shit together like this is a mess this is a mess this is a mess and then I remember that I don't live that life anymore now granted I can still let me tell you I'm not not perfect at all and I can still get messy I am not the same person that I walked in these doors as completely different and and this is the first year that I feel like I'm like I've really seen that and acknowledged it and embraced it and that's been really really special year one was just about surviving trying to make it through and then I remember everyone's like year two is about emotional sobriety and I was like okay I'm like buckling up I'm ready for this ride I don't even remember what happened in year two to be honest I'm sure a lot of great things year three was was really hard it felt like I've learned a lot of really hard lessons and I'm now I realize it's so silly when like we try to categorize these things for other people as if like I have an idea about what year year one or year year two is going to be we all walk through these things at different times and and I learned a lot of things about myself and my third year of sobriety it just happened that way but I was also presented with a lot of opportunities to learn place myself in a lot of situations that I wouldn't usually place myself in and that is that that's the result of Alcoholics Anonymous like gaining the courage to step into things that that I'm not supposed to be doing and I'm not supposed to be doing that and I'm not supposed to be familiar with and do things that are not comfortable to me and through that I learned one of the things that I had to really learn through in year three of sobriety was I got married I got married to someone in the program wow I got really close to the microphone for that one I have never I mean you guys I touched on a little bit of it that like trying to learn how to be in a functional relationship I mean if you think you're doing something you're not doing it's not going to work well just in general I'm told to get okay wait that don't take that advice I was going to say get into a relationship don't do that but but that is one way that every single time without fail I'm like wow I'm killing this thing I'm ready like God has prepared me he's suited me up I have all the tools and then I go in and I'm presented with all of these parts of myself that I forgot were there because I haven't had anything to bring them out and what do we work with? right that happens in way more ways than just getting into a relationship but this is the first time right being favored the first opportunity that I've had to really challenge myself to grow and see God's will through I think before I would have been afraid I would have run or I would have found some other way to not manage my emotions and blow this thing up I've gotten to learn a lot through through the relationship and through the marriage is what I mean my husband is also a member of Alcoholics Anonymous which is is it double F's? it's a sword but mainly one side is much pointier than the other like it I am so grateful that we have the same tools to live by we're also both alcoholics which means we suffer from the same disease and that's a fact but it is so amazing to see the work that God does in both of our lives and in our relationship together when we open ourselves up to the process and I'm grateful I never thought that I could have something like that before I didn't think it was possible for someone like me I came to this relationship and I'm grateful that I could have something like that I came into Alcoholics Anonymous the victim of my life and of my situation because that was easier never have a normal relationship because daddy did this or mom did this or all of the things I don't feel that way today I'm really really grateful actually for my relationships with both of my parents those have changed drastically and not so much that they've changed drastically my outlook on life and on those relationships have changed drastically and for that I'm so so grateful I do want to talk a little bit more about service but I'll be quick service is one of my favorite things to do when I'm in a relationship with my parents my favorite areas of Alcoholics Anonymous all of them matter by the way like I can't be of service unless I am of sane mind I can definitely sign up for positions I can't be useful unless my relationship is right with God in the last year almost actually almost a year since I was introduced to YPAL which is or I guess I'll say the first conference young people's conference I went to was Vicky Paul which is Georgia's conference of young people in AA it was like in March or April or something like this and I was like I'm going to do this and I'm going to do this and I'm going to do this here maybe like I just heeded warning to all of you not like contempt prior to investigation is that this is weird they change a lot of weird things and I don't like it I think it's immature of course I'm like I'm better than this and finally someone was like just come and I remember it was like the day before that I decided to come and I was like I'll just go and I went and I was uncomfortable for a lot of it and I'm glad that I was and I'm glad that I was all the way in Valdosta and couldn't leave because I probably would have and I stayed I met so many amazing young people who not only exist in this program but work it and have a life built around AA and I've gotten the pleasure getting to become part of the host committee for next year's conference and I've spent this past year traveling with some people who have become some conferences and guys it is all the same like we all do the same thing and it's just it is really long while within this year I was like I don't know God what your plan is here I don't know why I keep going but it feels like you're calling me here for a reason and I still don't think I'm positive why but there are just some times where I feel sure but I know that if I'm not harming anyone in the process it's okay if I'm wrong I feel like I'm right where God wants me to be and I'm super super grateful I get to walk shoulder to shoulder in this thing with you guys I spent most of my life having to be better or worse than all of you and I didn't know what it looked like to walk next to you and you guys taught me that so many I mean there's a handful of people just in this room who like I may have a sponsor but I think we all get to have a hand and all of you guys have a hand and in this road that I walk and my sponsors think about that too is like we're all each other's mentors and I'm really really grateful right I'm grateful that I don't have to try to figure this thing out anymore on my own and and if I did I wouldn't get very good results and I'm kind of sick of being in pain so now I just try to listen listen to you guys but also listen to God and convince myself on a regular basis that I don't know and that that doesn't have to be scary I'm really grateful that I got the opportunity to speak here tonight thank you guys for having me