Contempt Prior to Investigation Nearly Cost Me the Best Thing in Sobriety – Erin S.

About This Speaker Tape

Erin S. shares her story at a clubhouse near where she used to live during her worst drinking, calling it a full-circle moment. She grew up in Gwinnett County, Georgia, the second oldest of four kids in a home full of dysfunction. Her parents separated when she was eight, her father moved in with his actively addicted sister, and her mother worked multiple jobs to support the family alone. Erin became the de facto caretaker of her siblings despite being a child herself, and she learned early to steal from fundraising collections just to afford normal kid activities like skating. She describes being born an alcoholic who never knew how to regulate her emotions, with fear that always came out as anger.

She had her first drink at 14 and was a blackout drinker from the start, though she took pride in appearing coherent while blacked out. College brought deeper awareness of unhealthy patterns and a series of abusive relationships that mirrored the abuse she grew up with. She was introduced to other substances through a partner, and things escalated rapidly. She accumulated eight hit-and-runs and had five cars towed. Her suicidal ideation took a terrifying form: she would put on dark sunglasses at night, get as intoxicated as possible, drive onto the highway, close her eyes, and take her hands off the wheel, wanting the universe to end it for her.

On February 25, 2021, she caused a hit-and-run with an eighteen-year-old while in a blackout, then overdosed that same night. The same police officer responded to both calls. She went to treatment for the first time on March 13, 2021, where she was introduced to AA. She stayed sober about five months, worked through Step Five, but relapsed after secretly believing she might not really be an alcoholic. Her relapse taught her the reality of the allergy and obsession firsthand. She returned to detox on September 2, 2021, her current sobriety date.

Back in the rooms, Erin found a new sponsor whose freedom she desperately wanted. They worked the steps in a group setting with other sponsees, and her sponsor taught her to live in Steps Six and Seven with grace rather than perfectionism. She got involved in general service, attended her first assembly, and discovered young people's conferences through YPAL and the Vicky Paul conference in Georgia. She married a fellow AA member and is learning to be in a healthy relationship for the first time. She closes by expressing gratitude for walking shoulder to shoulder with others in the fellowship instead of needing to be better or worse than everyone around her.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Erin introduces herself, mentions her sobriety date of September 2, 2021, and her home group in Buford
• 2:00 Full-circle moment speaking at this clubhouse near where she used to live during her worst drinking
• 4:00 Childhood in Gwinnett County, parents' separation, becoming caretaker for siblings as the oldest girl
• 9:00 Stealing from fundraising collections to afford normal activities, learning to avoid emotional obligations with friends
• 14:00 First drink at 14, blackout drinker from the start, building a drinking resume to convince herself she was fine
• 20:00 Pattern of abusive relationships beginning at 17, each new relationship worse than the last
• 27:00 Suicidal driving ritual with dark sunglasses on the highway, eight hit-and-runs, five towed cars
• 33:00 February 25, 2021 wreck and same-night overdose, same officer at both scenes, first treatment on March 13
• 39:00 Relapse after five months, learning the allergy and obsession firsthand, return to detox September 2, 2021
• 48:00 New sponsor, safe landing pad group, learning grace in Steps Six and Seven, service through YPAL and young people's conferences, marriage to a fellow AA member