Clean House Trust Higher Power Work With Others — The Whole Program in Nine Words – Truck

My name is Truck. I'm an alcoholic. Come on, it's not like you're pregnant. She's pregnant. Thanks. Sorry, I'm extremely parched. I'm not joking. I'm not joking. Hi, my name is Truck. I'm an alcoholic. Like I said, I have a sobriety date. That's June 27th of 2005. And I have a home group, and that's the Monday night Pasadena speaker meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. We conveniently meet Monday nights in Pasadena at 7.30, and we're a speaker meeting. And if you're ever in the Los Angeles area, which is where I live, you should come on down and visit. It's a good meeting. I got a sponsor. And I am a sponsor. And when I first got to AA here in Sacramento, they told me that those things would put me in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I didn't really want to be in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous. And so that didn't mean a whole lot to me at the time. And, sorry, I've been here for a week. I got here on Sunday. I've sanded. I've sandwiched myself in between weddings. I had a wedding last Sunday and a wedding today that I just came from. And then I worked all week. And I'm running on six days of staying with my parents. It's rough out there, y'all. And I'm parched. But I was at this wedding, and instead of open bars, now I'm into open coffee bars. And so I... A little recovery humor for you. And I am... And so I just got amped up on this coffee. So I'm simultaneously exhausted by operating at about a nine on the tension scale. And so... Look. I love Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm setting my timer. I love Alcoholics Anonymous. I love this room. I've been in this room many a time. Once upon a time, I played a small part in being on Saki Pa. And we did a lot of cool fun. And as a result, we're in this room all the time. And it's always really fun to be in here and to see all you guys. I'm just going to start at the beginning. I was raised in a really good family. My mom, my dad, my sister, a couple cats. My parents did everything they could to give me a life beyond my wildest dreams. I always felt taken care of. I always felt like I had everything I needed. I wore a lot of corduroy. I had a bowl cut. I drew a lot. I told my parents when things were wrong. And I was generally a sweet, innocent, good kid. I grew up in Oregon. And then when I was seven, our family moved to Santa Barbara, which is in Southern California. And I lived there until I was 19. At 19, I moved to Los Angeles. I lived there until 2005. And then I moved to Sacramento. Stayed there for four years. And then moved back down to Los Angeles about three and a half, four years ago. And that's kind of where I'm from. And like I said, my parents did everything in their power to kind of give me this really good life. And for me, it was more than enough until it just wasn't enough. And I don't know what that exact moment was, but I have a pretty good idea. And it fell right around puberty. And I was going from sixth into seventh grade, into junior high. And I went to the first day of junior high in Santa Barbara. And I was this sweet, good-natured, good kid who wasn't, you know, I was a chameleon. I was the best friend of, like, all the popular kids, but never really a popular kid. I just kind of knew how to blend in and kind of, you know, get out of harm's way a little bit. And when I got to junior high, I remember that first day. Long story short, I, you know, all the people that I went to elementary school, we all kind of gathered at the lunch hour to kind of, like, you know, survey the territory and see where we were. We were. Where we were going to kind of end up. And then everybody just kind of started drifting off into factions and finding other people they wanted to hang out with. And the only people, and for some reason, like, I didn't go with anybody. And so the people I was left with was this guy, Pierre, who was a Spanish-speaking exchange student named Pierre, inexplicably, who didn't speak any English. And then this dude, Luke, who had, like, the Gary Coleman, like, growth hormone thing. And, like, and so, like, those are my, like, running buddies for junior high. And then later that day, this Bahamoth of a woman named Natalie picked me up and put me in a trash can and rolled me down the hill, like the P.E. Hill in junior high. And, man, like, it hit me so hard, you know. And when I got home that day, I was like, I just can't do it anymore, you know. And I thoroughly believe that I needed a drink then. I just didn't know it really existed. My family, my immediate family, for all intents and purposes, was fairly normal growing up. However, I got a lot of kind of finger-wagging from my parents about my outside family and how I was riddled with drug addiction and alcoholism and crime. And, you know, it's like I got cousins living in meth labs. And my grandfather on my dad's side, my dad was always having to fish him out of the gutter, you know, in front of liquor stores and stuff. And he eventually died of cirrhosis in Bakersfield. And he... My dad had to go up and, like, pick him up. And he hadn't even seen, you know, his father in 10 years or something. My family went out of their way, really out of their way, to get away from all that. They wanted to raise their family, me and my sister, in an environment that wasn't like that, that wasn't riddled with alcoholism and drug addiction and all that fun stuff. And so they did everything in their power. I never met that grandfather. I mean, he died before I was alive, but I wouldn't have met him anyway. And, um... You know, my aunt, she died of alcoholism when I was in high school. She had cirrhosis. And my father had kept me fairly shielded from her growing up. And when she died, by all accounts, she looked like she was in her 80s when I think she was in her early 60s. And so I heard a lot about all this kind of stuff growing up. But it never really meant a whole lot to me. Because these people characterized, you know, a very specific picture of what I thought alcoholism looked like, which was, like, you know, the big flush red nose. And, like, you know, gutters. And, you know, like, you know, just gross. And old. You know what I mean? And that was what I heard. And that was what I saw. And so never did I think that would be an issue for me. Until now. And I... Let's see. I... I started drinking when I was about 12 or 13. And it wasn't anything monumental. My dad is the type of dude who gets a beer and puts it in the fridge, like, a week ahead of time if he thinks that might sound like some nice thing he might want to do for himself, you know? And he sips it, like, mmm. Delicious, you know? And, like, you know, like, he was drinking Rolling Rock the other night. He's like, this is great. You know? I'm like, ugh. You know? And he kept this beer in the freezer called Labatt's Blue. Do you guys know what that is? Yeah, it's like Canadian water, you know? It's like Canadian natural light. And that was his beer, you know? Because it was cheap. But he didn't like to drink. He didn't like it because of his dad and all that stuff. So he didn't like to drink. So one sip of a beer was more than enough for him. Anyway, moving on. You know, one night I went into the fridge in the garage and I grabbed a beer and I replaced it with another one. And then I went in my room and I drank it. And I don't really know what happened. I'm uncertain. I was probably a little giggly. And I'm probably watching TV. And I probably went to bed. And that was about it. And that's about all I remember. But I do remember it did provide some sort of, you know, effect. You know, I knew I was doing something wrong. I knew that I was doing something that older people got to do. But I didn't. And that was very attractive to me. And so the older I got, you know, the more I kind of chased those tiny little effects I got that were produced by alcohol. The more I started drinking. The more relief. I got. And I hope you relate to that. And that's what happened. And I started to experience the effects produced by alcohol, which for me meant that I was able to kind of talk to people. I was able to kind of loosen up a little bit. And I was able to not really care what you guys thought about me, which was all good for me. Because, you know, from that time in junior high, you know, I kind of felt like I had this like I was always kind of a simmer, you know. And then once junior high hit, I started hitting this like slow. And I was like, I'm going to try to slow boil until the point where like I just didn't really know what to do with myself. I experienced a lot of a lot of low self-esteem, a lot of insecurity. And I was just riddled with fear. And, you know, I was, you know, I was 11 or 12 years old or whatever. And I don't think those are feelings that are foreign to any 11 or 12 year old going through puberty or going to junior high or whatever. But for me, you know, what differentiated me from some of my classmates or whatever is I couldn't process that stuff. Like I couldn't process it. And I couldn't. I couldn't put it together in a way where I could work through it. And so for me, I just looked for ways to escape and shut down. And for me, that meant I would like kind of lock myself in my room and draw all day or whatever. And when I found alcohol, it produced that. It like just gave me that feeling, you know, a feeling like, no, it's gone. Like, all right, see you later. And that was great. That's all I wanted. And, you know, interestingly enough, like most of those initial times I got drunk beyond kind of compromising. And beyond kind of like, you know, physical, you know, ability to function. I didn't like I liked that I wasn't in control, but I didn't like I didn't quite like what I was doing. But I was like, oh, well, whatever, you know, it's fine. And I what really what I really loved was that was all that control was gone. And for the first time, I didn't really have to worry about what I was doing or what you guys thought of me or what I said or whatever. And it just all went away. And that was great. And once again, I hope you relate to that. So I believe alcohol pretty much saved my life. I don't know what would have happened if I didn't find it. I have no idea. I maybe would have been fine. I don't know. Maybe just miserable. But but when I when I found it and when I really took advantage of it and harnessed that power, I just felt great, man. And like I said, it continued producing all these effects for me. And one of my favorite things in our literature is in the ninth step promises when it says that, like, you know, intuitively and old situations used to baffle us. And, you know, we found a new freedom and a new happiness and all the space age, new age stuff and life. And that was all the stuff that I got from alcohol. And and it took me a long time into sobriety to kind of recognize that. But when I did like it made so much sense to me, you know, and what I've been doing since I got sober is trying to rebuild, you know, that person that I was before that had some sort of semblance of of of being able to handle that kind of stuff, you know, so I drank I drank a lot. It was awesome. Like, I love drinking. I think it's so great. Like, I had so many good times and with so many like like I made so many good friendships and so many like stories. And it was so great. And everything up until I was about 19 or 20 was was awesome. And then when I moved to Los Angeles, my bottom just accelerated beyond like beyond any kind of comprehension. And what happened for me is I moved back to L.A. or I moved to L.A. when I was about 19. I started working. And in an industry with it with a lot of people older than me, people in their 20s and 30s and 40s, and they loved to take me to bars and like sneak me in and get me drunk and kind of like I was like the little guinea pig and I would do anything like for my 21st birthday, I went to a bar that that I'd been sneaking into for a year prior. And they were like, and they were like, why are all these people here for you? I'm like, oh, it's my 21st birthday party. And they're like, ah, ah. You know, like, you know, and like and I remember like they did mat shots like, you know, mat shots are there. They're like, you know, over here, lay on the bar. And I laid on the bar and they got the mat that everybody said that the bartender stand on and they curl it and then they dump it in your mouth. Yeah. Alcoholism. And I just did. But it was but it was so cool because all my friends and coworkers are there and they're like, do it, you know. And I felt really, really good. And I threw up a lot and. And. And. And. And. And. And. And I had a really good time drinking. I started losing control fairly quickly and it manifested itself in small ways. At first, you know, it's like I start kind of losing jobs or kind of like flaking out on a lot of things. I was never really accountable. I was really good at saying I was accountable and like getting in the door kind of. But once any kind of responsibility or anything was kind of placed in front of me, I was like, sorry. And and I eventually got laid off from that job I had and I decided to become self-employed. And that meant that I got to work from home. And that meant I could kind of do whatever I wanted. And so I woke up when I wanted and went to bed when I wanted. And it was great. And. I drank a lot and I smoked a ton of weed and and I felt really awesome until for maybe about a couple of months. And then I started feeling kind of like pot, you know, like just a pile and everything. All right. Back there is cool. All right. All right. All right. Okay. It's all right, everybody. It's a balloon. Okay. Okay. So anyway, so it was it was it was good. I had a lot of good times. I started losing a lot of control fairly, fairly quickly. My first introduction to Alcoholics Anonymous came when I think I was 21 and I was at a party in Venice Beach and I got alcohol poisoning. I decided to be a rum drinker that night and I drank a lot of rum. It was a rum bar. Rumble me bar. It was the rum drinker thing. And the bartender was like, Hey, man, I got to go run some errands. I got to go do something. Will you watch the bar for me? I was like, I'd love to. So I went behind the bar and was just drinking the bar and people were like, Hey, can I get a drink? I'd be like, No, you know, and then I drank and then and then I got alcohol poisoning a little bit later. And when the party moved to my friend's house, they took me in to kind of put me into the they put me into the bathroom and kind of slung me over the toilet and then slammed the bar. I got in the toilet and then slammed the door and said, See you in the morning. And then I had at it with that toilet for like, you know, six, seven hours or whatever. Until about seven, eight in the morning when my buddy came and kind of kicked me and he was like, Hey, man, I got to go to work. And I said, Okay. And then he kind of peeled me off, you know, and then he like kind of put me up against my car and then he said, See you later. And I said, Okay. And I got in my car and I just kind of used the weight of my body against the steering wheel and the gas pedal to kind of like get home. And I was driving home and I rear ended this car and it is not the first drunk driving related accident I had and it wasn't the last either. But I hit this car and I remember like having that like stomach kind of falling through my body feeling, you know, and just kind of like, Oh, like what happened, you know? And I was getting that feeling a lot like from drinking. Anytime I would kind of take it too far, I would get that feeling a lot. And it was just kind of like, not again. How did I get here? Okay, how am I going to deal with it? And so my stomach is kind of sitting at the bottom, you know, sitting on the floorboards of my car. And then I look at the car and all four doors open and these four hulking construction workers get out and like the car raises like, you know, a foot and I'm like, you know, and then these guys come out and they're ready to go. Get out of the car. Get out of the car. What? And I, and if you've ever had alcohol poisoning, it's not pretty and it's not fun and I was covered in just about every bodily fluid you can imagine. And I got up and I got out of the car and open the car door and I kind of peeled myself out of there and hung onto the door and they came rushing towards me. And they're like, Oh my God, are you okay? And they kind of like, they kind of like, like petted me a little bit and like put me against the car. Like, Oh God, like, look, don't worry about the car. It's totally fine. It's a company car. We'll just say it was an accident. Like, whatever. you get in your car and you go home and you get in the shower, but you know, and, uh, and so I got this. And so I, I was like, okay, all right, all right. You know? And so I got, you know, I pulled the fender out from my tire and then I, I got in my car and I drove home and then I took a shower per their suggestion. And then I sat, I sat on my bed and I, and I was just kind of sitting there like, oh man, like how did this happen? You know? And, uh, like I said, this wasn't the first time and it wasn't the last time, but that was one of the first times that I really distinctly remember, um, not really understanding how I got to where I was and, and what I was going to do about it because I was raised in this household, uh, in this household where, um, you know, they're very loving and caring and nurturing and stuff. Um, but they also, they tried to instill a lot of like morals and ethics. And I kind of was raised with this idea that I should know better and that I should be able to handle things myself. And here I was and these things were happening. And when these things, this kind of happened once or twice or whatever, it's easy to kind of be like, ah, well, it just, you know, it happened a couple of times. I just got it like bad luck or whatever, but this was happening so often that I just didn't know what to do. And so I sat on my bed and I'd realized that at this time I painted myself in this corner where I was so afraid of the consequences of everything that was going on in my life around me. That I had no one to talk to. And I was this bottled up, just, you know, nervous, tense, you know, ball of energy of like, you know, nervous energy where nobody knew. If I was broke, nobody knew if I was sad. Nobody knew if like, you know, I had things going on with me, like nothing, you know, not my closest friends, not my girlfriends, not my family, certainly not my family, no one. And so I sat there on my bed and I was like, I just don't know what to do. And so the best thought that came to mind was that when I moved to LA, I met this girl and she was of, she was an undetermined age. It could have been 25. It could have been 55. We just don't know. However, she did have face tattoos and T-shirts. She had decreased hair and wore leather in July. And I thought that was pretty rad. And, and she told me she used to party with Motley Crue and guns and roses. And I was like, no, touche, you know? And, and so I didn't know, I didn't know what to do. However, I knew that if I called this woman, there's a very, very good chance she was not going to judge me for telling her I got into a car accident, drunk driving, you know, guns and roses, et cetera. And, so I called her and, and she's like, Hey, what can I do for you? And I told her what happened. And I was like, look, I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do. And she's like, all right, well, look, I'll tell you, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. If you're willing, I'm going to hang up the phone. I'm going to call a friend of mine. He's a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. And if you're willing, he will come pick you up and take you to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. How does that sound for you? And I just sat there kind of like, all right, okay. And so then I hung up the phone and this guy called me. He got my address. He said he was going to, he was going to pick me up that night. And, uh, about six o'clock or something, my phone, my phone rings. And, uh, this dude, uh, this dude, uh, is like, Hey man, I'm outside, uh, or I'm going to be outside in a minute. Why don't you come on out? And I was like, okay. And I'm walking outside and I'm thinking to myself, you know, the whole afternoon since I've made this phone call earlier, like what exactly is it that I've signed up for? Because I didn't really know a whole lot about Alcoholics Anonymous. Uh, I was born, I was born in the 79, raising the eighties in front of a television. All my kind of, you know, ideas of what recovering AA and all that kind of stuff is, is based on that, kind of stuff. And so I think I, I don't know what I, what I thought it was. I just thought it was kind of a, a group of, you know, hysterically angry people that were just upset. They couldn't drink anymore, you know? And if that's the meeting you go to, that's great. But that's not, that's not like what I, what I, what looked good to me, you know? And that was the best idea I could kind of come up with. And, uh, so I'm going outside and the street is desolate and, um, and I'm sitting out there and I'm looking around and this, uh, this van pulls up and it's like this 1970s, like fantasy van with, uh, unicorns airbrushed on the sides of it with like, like on top of centaurs riding like lightning bolts with rainbows and stuff. And I was like, look at that van. And, uh, and then my phone rings and it's the guy and I'm like, hello. And he's like, Hey man, I'm out in front. I'm like, I don't see you dude. And then I see his hand kind of shoot out of the van. He's like right here, bud. And I'm like, Oh, and so I walk up, I walk up to the van and I kind of like peer in a little bit. And it's this like skeezy looking dude and like a wife beater. And he's like, get in the van. Bro. And I'm like, I don't want to. And so I get, I, but I kind of, I get in the van. Like, you know, you know, I'm like, uh, you, you find a straight cat and it's like you trying to get him to come in into the apartment. They're like, you know, like I, like I got in the van. I'm like peering around. There's like a cop in the back that he's like clearly been sleeping in. And like, there's like art supplies everywhere and like clothes everywhere. And I'm like, Oh, and this guy's like, Hey man, you ready to go to AA? And I'm like, sure. You know? And so that dude took me to my first AA meeting, which is at this place called the log cabin in West LA. I didn't know they had log cabins in West Los Angeles, but they do. And we got there and it's like, it's one of those, it's, it's like, um, it's, it's a big meeting. And, um, there's about like on, just at a noon, just at a noon or there, there's like 200 people. It's like right in the middle of West LA and it's huge. And on a weeknight you go there and there's easily like 9 million people there. You know, and it's like you, you get there and there's these huge doors and there's always like paparazzi and stuff around and it's crazy. And like, and there's, there's, there's at least a hundred people out in front, furiously changed. Like I'm talking about, and the hands are shooting out and like, and I've never been to an AA meeting before. Like, you know, I just want you to think for a minute, like what a really looked like for you, but when you came to it without knowing what it was, and then think about like, you know, like what that must look like for the newcomer. You know what I mean? And like when I walked in there, I was like, Oh, I don't want anything to do with this. And these hands were shooting out, you know, hi, hi, hi, hi. And you know, they're coming at me and I'm like matrixing out of the way. Like, Oh, you know, cause like, cause I don't want to touch you and I don't want anything to do with you guys or anything. And like, and I get inside and it's like when you turn on the light in a shitty apartment and like cockroaches go to the walls, I'm like, like made a beeline for the coffee bar and kind of grabbed a cup of coffee and furiously drank it and looked kind of behind a pole. Like, Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, And you know, like get away from me, you know, and, and like I have alcohol poisoning, right? So I smell just awful. You know what I mean? I smell like shitty rum, you know? And so these people tried to talk to me. I just wanted nothing to do with it. Meeting ends. Skeezy dude's like, you ready to go? I'm like, get me out of here. And he's like, okay. And so we left and, uh, he took me home and like, and I didn't go to another A meeting for like a year or something. And like, that had nothing to do with like the, the van or the dude or the meeting or the log cabin or whatever. It's just like, I didn't, I didn't know like what was happening. You know, they know that I had a problem. I didn't know. I didn't know that this was a solution to the problem that I didn't know I had. You know what I mean? And, um, it just made no sense. It just did not compute to me. And so, uh, that was when I was 21. It was about, uh, uh, it was 20, uh, the day after my 26th birthday when I got sober and, the intervening years was a lot of, you know, incomprehensible demoralization. And it was a lot of, you know, it was a lot of me. It was a lot of me doing things. I just, like my, like I love that. It's my favorite phrase in the big book because, you know, it means that I'm doing things that I never thought I would do. And I don't understand why. And that's a really dark place, uh, to live in. You know, I'm lying to everybody. Uh, you know, I'm losing money faster than I'm making it. I'm, I'm, you know, I'm, I'm, my life is wasting away. I'm getting kicked out of places. People are like refusing to hang out with me. And, you know, like I'm a good kid. Like, I remember like I wore corduroy and like I had a bowl cut, like things were looking good. And then, and I had this like bright kind of future and I was just blowing it. I was just blowing it. And I didn't, and, and it was, and it was like, it was unstoppable. I just couldn't, I couldn't stop doing the things I was doing. And it was so harrowing. It was so harrowing. And, and, you know, it's like the, and so that time, my first introduction to AA was one of the first times I tried to kind of, to kind of control and enjoy my drinking. And, you know, a couple other ways that look like for me is I remember, you know, when I was self-employed, I'm 21, 22 or whatever. And, um, my, my, uh, I've been smoking a lot of weed and I've been drinking like every day for a few months, every single day, going to bed and waking up drunk and stoned and whatever. And I, and I resolved, I was like, you know what? Weekend's coming up and I am not going to drink or smoke weed this weekend, you know? And that was what I thought. I was like, I'm not going to do it. And it was the first time I ever had that thought. I was like, I'm not going to do it. So Friday rolled around and, uh, and you know, it's like kind of like, I'm like, I'm going to stay at home. I'm going to stay at home tonight and watch a film, you know? And so I'm like sitting there and I make it through the night and I wake up Saturday morning. I'm like, I didn't drink. I didn't smoke any weed. Like things are looking good. And I was so excited. And then my buddy calls me and he's like, Hey man, I'm going to come over. I'm like, great. And he comes over and he's like, he's like, Hey man, um, what are you doing this weekend, man? Like I kind of want to go crazy. And I'm like, yeah, I don't know, man. Like I'm trying not to drink and I'm trying not to, I'm trying not to smoke any weed or whatever. So like, look, I'm like willing to go crazy with you or whatever, but like, I, I'm not going to drink and I'm not going to smoke any weed. And he's like, okay, yeah, no problem, man. No problem. Do you like want to go get some heroin? And I was like, yeah, yeah. And so like we went down, we went down to MacArthur park, which is like hell on earth in Los Angeles. And, and, you know, and did some stuff. And then like, and then later on, long story short, that was Saturday morning. So on Tuesday, when I woke up in Vancouver, Venice beach surrounded by crack cocaine, ecstasy, and some other stuff, I genuinely thought to myself, totally didn't smoke weed or drink this weekend. Totally didn't do it. And I drove home like, man, I've got this thing nailed, you know, and, uh, literally, you know, and, uh, that's what it was like for me. Those are my best decisions. And, uh, they're not good. They're not good. My dad, my poor dad, man, like, my dad is a huge part of my story. He's like my favorite guy ever. He's like, he's like the dude who, um, you know, everybody's like, Oh, my dad's like the best or like whatever, you know, like my dad really is like that. Like he is one of the best, you know? And he, he was like, he would do my accounting and stuff. And he would be like, um, he'd be like, Hey, what is Hillhurst liquor? And why do you go there three times a day? And I'm like, Oh man, it's like a grocery store thing. Like an Emporium. Really? It's really anything you could imagine that the, the human body could possibly need in the world. It is at Hillhurst liquor, just the liquor store. Ha no. You know? And like, and, uh, and I remember like a few years later, we were driving, we were walking up Hillhurst Avenue and we're kind of walking along and he's like, do, do Hillhurst liquor. We got to go in here. And I'm like, Oh, you know, and we walk in there and it's like a liquor store, you know? And there's like ramen, like rice krispies and like some gum and then liquor, you know? And he's like, this is no, this, this isn't a grocery store. And I'm like, duh, sorry. You know? And like, and he used to, he used to call me and be like, why do you spend so much money? What are you spending all your money on? I'm like, Oh man, like I just, um, I just don't know, man. Like I can't stop spending money. And like, I've looked into this program. It's called like debtors anonymous and it's for people that like spend a lot of money or whatever. Cause like, I'll just buy anything really, you know? And, and he's like, okay. And he's like, and I'm thinking of checking out and checking it out. He's like, yeah, whatever. You know? And then I hang up the phone and he's just like, and you know, it's like I'm making up problems for myself to just replace the problems that I can't even admit to. You know what I mean? Cause all that money is going towards the booze and drugs and you know, I've conditioned myself and not being able to share that with anybody. And, and, and like I said, that feeling I had that day with alcohol poisoning where I was unable to kind of, uh, tell, tell anybody what was going on. That didn't go away. That just, that just got monumentally worse. And, and, and then the, the intervention started because inevitably, you know, for me, I can't hold that kind of behavior in too long without people finding me out. And so, you know, the way my, you know, according to my parents, you know, I, I had never even smoked weed or never even, and didn't even really drink up until I was like 23 and a jilted ex lover of mine called my mom at two in the morning and was like, yeah, your son has like a drug problem and if you don't do anything, he's going to die. Bye. And, uh, and that was like how they found, found out about like what I was getting up to. And so I started getting these interventions and, uh, I got intervention after intervention and it was like, what are you going to do? Oh, I'm going to handle it. Okay. You know, I'm like, that was it, you know? And I was a really good liar and manipulator and, I really took advantage of my family like that. And, um, things got dark, man. Things got really dark and, you know, and I lost almost everything, but I, you know, here's the thing. I never went to jail. I never got a DUI. I never, um, I never experienced some of that really heavy stuff, but, you know, like, I experienced like a, like an emotional destitution, like anything I've never, never experienced. And I just never, and I didn't think there was any way out of it. You know, I'd be walking around Hollywood with my skateboard because I'd sold everything else, you know, and, and a skateboard in one arm and, and two, like weak to actually skate on it. And then all this stuff I'm going to sell into the other arm and just kind of being like, you know, I think this is just how I'm going to live and not being happy about it. And not being pleased with it, but really being in surrender and acceptance about that. And that's a really dark place. And, you know, like if you, if you've ever felt like that, like I'm here to tell you you're in the right place. And, so what happened for me is that in the intervening years, my, my family had moved up to Sacramento and I hadn't seen them in quite a long time. And they asked me if I would come up for my 26th birthday and, and if I would come up and spend the weekend with them. And, and I, and I, and I said, okay, begrudgingly, but I knew that, but I'd be well fed. They'd probably give me some money and it would just be, um, you know, a place I could kind of forget about stuff for a couple of days. So I got up here on a Friday and I was supposed to leave on a Sunday, which was my birthday. And, uh, and for my birthday, my parents got me an intervention yet again. And so they, they got me this intervention and they were like, well, what do you want to do? You know? And I was like, well, I got to go home. I got things to do. I got stuff to handle. And they're like, what do you have that you need to do down there? You don't have a job. Your girlfriend hates you. And she's like, yeah. And like, and, and nobody wants to be around you. And like, what do you have? Like, what do you like? What do you have besides what's on your back right now? And I couldn't really say anything. And so they, they said, uh, look, we've taken the liberty of checking you into a, a two week detox program. And if you're willing, you know, you can, you can spend two weeks in there. And I said, okay. And, uh, cause I didn't, I didn't know what else to do. Um, it was the first time I'd really said it like when they were like, what do you want to do? And I was like, I don't know. It was the first time I had said, I don't know. And, and had it really like mean, I don't know. Like I really didn't know what to do. And so here they kind of offered me this olive branch. And, uh, and then that night, you know, I'm sitting there with, uh, with my dad and my mom's like crying herself to sleep in the other room. And, uh, my sister and my girlfriend have since, uh, flown home on the flight that I was supposed to be on. And I'm sitting there watching a movie with my dad because I can't check into the detox center until, uh, until, uh, like eight in the morning on Monday or something. And Sunday night, and, uh, and my dad's asked me, is there anything I can do for you? Is there anything I can do for you? And I'm saying, no, no, no, because there's nothing he can do for me. Um, I don't know if you've ever been in a position like that, but there's literally nothing my father can do for me, uh, except like, you know, give me the things that are going to make me feel better. And, and I can't ask my dad to do that. Uh, however I did. And so my dad, uh, my dad was like, what can I do for you? And after hours of this, I was like, yeah, you can go in the other room and you can go get my book bag that you took for me and you can put it in front of me and you can leave me alone and then you can let me do my thing and that's, that'll be that. And he was like, okay. And so he just kind of looked at me and, you know, went white and then went in the other room and got that bag and put it in front of me and then left. And, and I did what I had to do to get well. And, and it was awful, man. Like I never, like when I think about, when I talked to sponsors about incomprehensible demoralization, like that's my go to man. Cause that's after I had hit bottom. That's after I admitted I need help. That's after I, admitted that I was going to go to this detox. That's after like I was done yet. I'm continuing to like, just like, you know, it's like I hit bottom and I just keep skidding, you know? And, uh, my poor dad, man, this is the guy that went out of his way, you know, to get his family away from a life like this. You know, he's the dude that buried his father and his sister of alcoholism. And here I am, you know, his dirtbag son who just can't eat, who can't do anything. And, uh, and it was awful, man. And I, and I, I've never felt worse. And so they checked me into this beautiful detox center in South Sacramento. And I, um, that's a joke. And, uh, and so I, um, and I was at this detox center in the first week there. They, they kind of do, they do a over the counter detox. Then the second week they take you to some outside a meetings. And it was the 4th of July week in Sacramento. It was about 110 degrees. And there's an Alcathon going on at group three. And, uh, I remember the counselor at this detox, he brought us there at like two o'clock. And he's like, yeah, we should get out of here around five. What do you think? And I'm like, you know, like, it was just awful. It was like a potluck. There was deviled eggs sitting out there for five hours. And like, it was bad. And, uh, but I'm sitting in this meeting and this girl comes in and she sits across from me and she looks familiar. And so I went up to her and talked to her after the meeting. And I was like, Hey, is your name Corey? And she was like, yeah, yeah. Oh my God. And it was this girl, Corey, that I'd gone to high school with in Santa Barbara, like 10 years earlier. And I hadn't seen her in about 10 years. And I was like, Corey, what are you doing here? And she's like, Oh, I got a 90 days sober. What are you doing here? And I said, Oh man, I got like nine days sober. You know, she's like, all right, you know, and then, but we talked for a little bit and she was like, Hey, I'm going to give you my number. Why don't you call me when you get out of here and I'll take you to an AA meeting. And I said, okay. And then, um, and that was that. When I got out of that detox center, um, I called her and I called her for no other reason than really like she, like she, like, I don't know about you guys, but when I came to AA and all those intervening years that I'll go to AA, it was weird. Like it was really, really weird. You know, like I listened to you guys like kind of flap your gums the way I'm doing right now. And it just like, I thought it was better than you. And I thought I was different than you. And I didn't think that any of your problems were similar to mine. And, uh, and she changed all that because she was someone I knew. She was a little young and like, and she was cool and like, and she, she made it cool and she made it attractive. And she wore like, I love that saying, like wear your sobriety, like a loose garment or I don't know what it means. It's really weird. But like, but like, she did that, you know what I mean? And she wore, and she had 90 days sober. She had 90 days sober, man. Like 90 days sober is an achievement when you're able to do stuff like that. Just sit in a meeting and let some dude who hasn't seen you in 10 years be like, Oh, I think I know you. You know, that's what you get just by showing up to Alcoholics Anonymous. She didn't do anything. All she did was go to the meeting. And, uh, she showed me Sacramento Alcoholics Anonymous and it was awesome. She introduced me to my first sponsor, this Weasley looking skateboarder dude who was like down in, uh, Saturday, midtown. And he knew everybody and he had 11 months sober. And I didn't think like, I was like, how does that guy have 11 months sober? That's crazy. And not only did he have 11 months, but like, like when we would go to meetings and stuff, like he looked people in the eye, he shook their hands and they treated him like a respectable human, you know? And I didn't feel respectable or good about anything. And, uh, and that dude with 11 months had it all, man. He had it all. I remember like, I asked that dude to be my sponsor and I was going to, it was between, between him and this other dude with like 18 years. And I was like 18 years. I don't think so. Like bad idea. And you know, and, uh, but the dude with 11 months, I was like, Oh, like that looks like something I could do. Or like maybe I should do, you know? And so I asked that dude to sponsor me and he took me through the 12 steps, the best of his ability, the exact way that some dude did before, uh, you know, with him. And, uh, he read a page and I read a page. Uh, he asked me, he asked me to read the first 164 pages. Um, we, we would then sit down and read page for page and kind of talk about what, what, what it was we read. He would share his experience with me when warranted. Uh, if he didn't have experience on something, he didn't give me that experience. He pointed me towards someone else. Uh, he was the secretary of the Wednesday night downtown young people's meeting. Um, and so I would, uh, I was with him at all times and like, and he had to get to that meeting early. So I got to that meeting early and he had to stay late. So I stayed late. And then he told me why, you know, he told me that there had to be someone there to set up the chairs. There had to be someone there to tear down the chairs. There had to be someone there to shake the hands that I do. You know, there's like all these links in the chain, you know, of like carrying the message to like the recovering alcoholic. And that dude with 11 months showed me everything I needed to know. You know, everything I needed to know. I learned from some dude, some skateboarder dude, uh, with 11 months of sobriety. And that was the power of alcoholics anonymous for me. And it was great. And he, and he took me through the steps. And, um, you know, I was born in, or I was, I was raised in a fairly atheist, uh, atheist, uh, environment. Um, but you know, when, when that sponsor asked me, you know, if I was willing to believe that he believed, I said, yeah, because I looked at the way that he carried himself, uh, with such confidence that he, that he, like, he didn't look like he was in fear of drinking. And that was what I, that was what I wanted because I, all I knew was fear. That was it. And so, you know, he asked me if I was willing to believe in that he believes. And I said, yeah. And then he was like, okay, great, let's move on. And then we moved on and, and, and we built a foundation and we like me and him built my foundation and alcoholics. Anonymous. And then you guys helped me do that too. I have such a debt of gratitude to the Sacramento area. Alcoholics. Anonymous. It's like the best. It's the best. You know, I went to the Wednesday night meeting on a Wednesday, uh, the young people's meeting. And you know, it, you know, I go to that meeting now and I don't know a lot of people. I used to like, you know, I used to go in and be like, Oh, you know, it was like norm from cheers or whatever, you know, the sad version. And like, but like I, um, yeah, I didn't know anybody in there, you know, and I don't care. That's no big deal. The tight thing is that the message was being carried just as strong as it was when I got sober. And I don't know if that's always going to be the case and it may not always, whatever, but it was awesome, man. And it reminds me, it reminds me why I keep coming back and it reminds me just how important and precious the experience of being an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous is. So that dude put me through the steps and it was great. Um, I'm here to tell you, I've never had a negative reaction from working the 12 steps. Uh, the buddy whose wedding I was just at earlier, he told me that. And, uh, and, and it, it still rings true for me today. Um, if you're miserable and Alcoholics Anonymous, the, the solution that I learned was, was the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Um, that guy took me through my steps. Uh, he was my sponsor for a year or two and then I got a few more. Um, I've had the same sponsor now for about five years, but I've, I've taken it upon myself to remain accountable to a group of people. So, so I'm not dependent on one person. There's a group of people that if you call them right now and asked how I was doing, they'd probably have a good, a good idea of how I was doing. And, uh, I show up to Alcoholics Anonymous regularly. I don't want to all the time. It's kind of a bummer sometimes when, uh, when I, I've, I've had the opportunity to, to have a life in AA and have this big, big life in AA. And then I've had the, the, the bigger opportunity of being able to carry that stuff to like the real world, you know, where jobs and other people who are not in AA exist. And I've gotten to like, I've gotten to experience that big, big life. And it's so awesome. And, and, and, and, and it's so fulfilling. And the, the one thing that, um, the one thing that I can't really forget is that foundation that, that I was able to build here when I first got here. I need to take a drink of water. And, um, and it's great. It's really great. And, and, you know, my favorite thing is just that there's so little you can do here to make, to make a difference. You know what I mean? Like there's a lot you can do here and you can watch it. I can watch my life kind of go upside down with just, with just growth and change and all kinds of stuff. Some good, some bad, you know, it's like, uh, the thing I do like about those nine step promises, uh, that I experienced with alcohol is that I've been able to experience them, uh, uh, within the nine step and within completing the 12 steps, I've been able to experience that new freedom, uh, new happiness. You know, um, I, I'm able to intuitively handle situations that used to baffle me, all this kind of stuff. The kind of rad thing is, is that, you know, I, sometimes I just read those promises and I, and I'm, and I kind of, I, I, I asked myself if I'm really experiencing them today, you know what I mean? And, and, you know, if some of them don't come up, uh, or some of them come up short, then I know there's a little bit more work to be done. Thankfully, I've realized that there is no finish line in Alcoholics Anonymous and that, um, and if I want to continue to grow and, and have a great life in AA, I need to participate in it. And you guys make it really easy. You guys make it really easy because I have such wonderful friends and peers in here that go through life, you know, uh, go through much bigger, greater things than I can even imagine. And I watch you guys do it and it gives me faith that everything's going to be all right. That's all I really need to know is that when I got here, you know, I was still that kid, just so full of fear and so full of just insecurity and just uncertainty because I didn't know what was going to happen. And the reality is, is that I still don't know what's going to happen, but I do have this overwhelming feeling that it will be all right. And, uh, you know, um, that doesn't mean I'm going to get what I want. That doesn't mean I know what it looks like. That doesn't mean I'm even going to be that happy. Sometimes it does mean that, but I will be taken care of and be okay though. That's the stuff that I've gotten from, uh, taking the 12 steps. Um, it's awesome. Um, a couple of things, uh, living amends. Uh, you know, it's like I've, I've spent a week with my family. It's not easy. However, um, I'm able to be a son to them, uh, like I've never been before. You know what I mean? And a lot of that has to do with being an active member of AA. Uh, you know, my mom got diagnosed with cancer a year ago. I was able to sit with her in the room and she got that diagnosis. I was able to come up here. Once a month and sit with her while she went through chemo and all that kind of jazz. Um, I'm not saying that because I'm proud of it or I'm proud of it. I'm not saying it because I want to brag about her that I'm awesome or, or whatever, because really I hated every minute of it. It's not fun. It's shitty. And you know, my mom and I have a very contentious relationship. However, you know, the, my family have shown up for me in a way that, you know, uh, the, uh, I couldn't even fathom. And if I can do just a small part, you know what I mean? Um, one kind of awesome thing, and I guess I'll close with this cause I'm about out of time is that, you know, uh, kind of along the lines of what I was saying before is that, um, if you don't think, uh, you may, you can make a difference here in AA. Um, you can, uh, if you've been sober 15 hours or 15 years or whatever, you absolutely can make a difference. And sometimes it is as easy as just showing up to a meeting. Um, when I don't show up to my home group, I have people call me and ask me if I'm okay. That was kind of a nice treat that I found out when I got sober. Um, however, uh, one thing that I found out is that, um, um, you know, like, uh, there's always that alcoholic out there that needs that hand. You know what I mean? And, you know, one day, a couple of years ago or a year and a half ago or something, my sister called me and she was like, she was like, Hey, you know, like, um, I think, uh, I think you need to tell me like of a good AA meeting to go to tonight. And like, it was heavy, you know, it was heavy because that was not a phone call I ever expected to get from my sister. You know what I mean? But, um, I knew where to send her. I was like, maybe you should go to freedom group on Monday nights. And it was a Monday and she was like, okay, cool. And she rolled into that meeting. And the first, the first person she saw was my first sponsor that, uh, that had not really gone to a whole lot of AA for the past few years, but for some random reason, just decided to show up that night. So that first person she saw when she walked into that meeting was some dude who just decided to go to a meeting that night. And, you know, like, and the message was carried and that link in the chain was, you know, it kept going and going. And, and man, like that stuff is magical to me because, you know, it's easy, you know, the bigger my life gets, you know, for me to, to forget about the simple things that were set in place when I built my foundation here in AA. But man, it's like clean house, trust God and work with others, man. And that rings true for me today. If it doesn't ring true for you, come talk to someone after the meeting, talk to me after the meeting. I luckily still know, I still know a lot of awesome sober people in Sacramento and they can help you. And, uh, and if you've been here for a while and you're, and you're not experiencing those promises, you know, come talk to us too. Cause, uh, there are miracles to be had here. Um, I love, I love Alcoholics Anonymous. Um, like I said, I don't always love it, but I continue to keep coming back. Uh, my current sponsor says, you know, like, uh, the least you can do is show up, you know, the least you can do is show up and it's your job. And, and I try and take that pretty seriously. Um, cause it is my job. What I was given here was given to me freely. And you know, the people that smiles on their faces and they welcomed me. And so that's the least I can do for someone else. Thank you, Carolyn, for asking me. Thank you guys. I love Sacramento. I love, uh, Akipa, Sakiba, and all that. So thanks.