Children of Alcoholics Either Become One or Marry One — Those Are the Odds – John C.

I am going to introduce Peggy C., who is the chairman of Northern California World Service Assembly. And she, in turn, will introduce her family, whom she has brought with her as speakers. Hi, everybody. My name is Peggy, and I'm a very grateful member of Al-Anon. Are there any other members of Al-Anon or Al-Ateen in the room tonight? Are there any members of Alcoholics Anonymous in the room tonight? We'll try to keep it clean for you guys. I'm here just to kind of warm up the audience so that my husband will get a big laugh, and you guys will be ready to listen to him. And I want to let you know what's going to go on here tonight, because we are a family in recovery. And first of all, my husband, who is a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, is going to share what he thinks it was like. What he thinks happened, and what it's like for him now. Then he will turn the microphone over to one of our daughters, one of our eight children. She will tell you what she thinks it was like, what she thinks happened, and what it's like for her now. And then our daughter will turn the microphone over to one of our 20 grandchildren, who will share with you what it was like for her. And then she will turn it back to me, and I will tell you what it was really like, what really happened, and what it's like for me now. So, with no further ado, I would like to turn the microphone over to my husband and my very best friend, John. My name is John, and I'm an alcoholic. We've been very fortunate in our recovery, and we've had a chance to do this from time to time. And I'm always thinking when Peg goes through some of her routine, what would it be like if there was no other alcoholic in the room? And I'm grateful for those of us who bravely attend an al-anon function. When I met this lady a few years ago, and we fell in love, I was a widower, and I had five little girls. And she was a... loose woman, who had a boy, a girl, a car, a television set, and enough money to buy the wedding ring that she bought for me. And with an opportunity like that, I didn't even know anybody could balance a checkbook. I had to marry that chick. But what I told her then, is I said, because I always had a flair for words, I said, Baby, stick with me. And I'll take you places you've never gone. And we'll do things you've never done. And we'll see things you've never done. I did not know that she would take me to the places that she took me. I'm delighted to be here. As the cliche says, obviously, I'm delighted to be anywhere, particularly as long as I be sober. I am a product of the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. And as you see me, you see my program. For good or for bad, because that's all I know. It's the only thing that I know, that has any value to me. When I hit the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I walked into my first meeting, magic happened that night. Magic happened for me that night, even though I did not know it. And I hearken back to that after, oh, a month or so, because I fell in love with you within my first two weeks' crocks of sobriety. And I had been rocketed. And by the time I got here, I knew that everything that I had, that was of any value, was lost. And should be lost. And I didn't want it back. Because it was grim. That fabulous lady that I married, and the beautiful children that we had, it all turned on me. And I didn't know why. We started with all the great intentions of the world. There was a lady, and I had made all the mistakes that a man should make. I had bottomed out in Southern California, and I came to Northern California, trying to put my life together and learn how to be what I have always wanted to be. I have never wanted to be a badass. I have never wanted to be a shooter. I have never wanted to be any of those things. All I wanted to be, all I've ever tried to be, except for a little time out for bad behavior, all I have ever tried to be, was just a nice person. All I wanted to be was a gentle man. All I ever wanted to be, when my first child was delivered to me, and the transformation occurred in my life. What I was before that moment, when that child was born, and what happened after that moment, is kind of a revelation in my life. It's all I ever wanted to be. All I ever really wanted to be, was just a good father, and a good husband, and a decent human being. I had managed to destroy my first marriage. My first wife could not live on the face of this earth any longer, and so she had to commit suicide. And when I moved to Northern California, through all of that, it's another story. When I moved here, I wanted to do the things. I remade my personality one more time. You see, when that little child was delivered to me, my oldest daughter, I vowed and determined that the crazy and wild life that I was living, I would give up. I would become a businessman and a father, a human being. I wanted to take care of my kids. It's all I've ever really wanted to do. And as time went on, I had become very successful in the business field. I had four other little girls, and I had arrived. Well, there was something between me and arriving, and it was up until the day I walked into my first meeting of Al Faleek's London, good old John Barleycorn, who was a power infinitely greater than anything I have ever known. But I never knew it while it was happening to me. When I came to Northern California, I one more time started to remake things because I had screwed up badly. I had screwed up so badly that I couldn't live in my own skin. But I would make it up, and I would try and be a good father and a good husband. I was no husband, but I certainly wanted to be a good father and a good mother. And I learned all of the things that was necessary to cook and to iron. Back in those days, if there are, there's a few who would remember before wash and wear. And I had, that was before wash and wear. And as I said, five little girls that had nothing but fancy little dresses with puff sleeves and lace. And I had to learn how to iron and cook and all the rest of that stuff. But I had some problems, I remember. And I like to tell this story because it shows you how in really hard I was trying to be the right person and do the right things. Every once in a while, we have something done to the house and we'll call an alcoholic to do it. One of the members of the Fellowship of Alcoholics and Alcoholics. And they'll look and they'll say, Well, I've never done anything like this. And I look at Peg and I say, Jesus, we don't want to try this guy. And she said, I have great faith in him, he's an alcoholic. They'll get it done and perfect. It might take a couple of years, but they'll get it done. But I was ironing these dresses and my daughter, my oldest girl, had this magnificent brown dress. It was a peasant style. It had a lace yoke, puff sleeves with all those ribbons, those circular ribbons and lace all the way down. Just the fluffiest, most gorgeous thing you'd ever want to see. It was brown and white. And she looked like a princess when she put it on. And while I was doing it, I had a little bottle of Jack Daniels and I was sipping it because my kids were asleep. And I was in the kitchen and I was ironing and I scorched the lace. I didn't know what to do. So, two and a half hours later, I'd scorched all the rest of the lace to match. And that unforgiving child never wore that dress again. I never understood things like this. I met this lady on the telephone. She was my first blind date. She was working for the company that had fired me. And they had sent word while I was in a nut house after the death of my wife that I was an unfit person. That they no longer wanted me in the employees. And they made sure that no one in Southern California would hire me. And I came to Northern California. And the company I was with had great power. And I had a position of great power. And the company that fired me had to do business with me. They had to. And I didn't want to do business with them. And I found some young lady in the production control department of this big corporation. And I said, if you want to talk to me, you... Unmentionable. Go talk to Peggy in production control. I'd never met this girl, but she sounded honest to me. And so all of everybody, including the owner of the store, had to go down there. All of the branch offices throughout the United States would have to call her. Go ask John, can I get this? And finally, I couldn't stand it and I wanted to meet her. So I took her out. I hired her because she was so good. And then I decided to take her out. And find out if I liked her. And I did. And I asked her out again. And she molested me. Realized that you can't have a business arrangement like that. So I married her instead. And we took off. After a passage of time. And my fortunes got worse and worse and worse. I was a big time executive at that time. And by the time we got here. By the time I bottomed out. And when I say bottomed out, it was bottomed out out of lack of information. I knew not what my problem was. And nine years before I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I was dead in the water. I'd lost everything. One more time, it was a total failure in everything. The lovely lady that I worshipped had turned into this ice queen. She just had no feelings and she didn't care. And the one who was so brilliant and so smart when I met her, had turned into this dumb person. And the kids that I loved and her children that I took into my heart, that I cared about so deeply, were all afraid of me. And they didn't like it in the same house and the same room with me. And I didn't know what the hell was happening. We had a little medical miracle. A little boy was born. I came back to my town, where I call home, San Jose Los Gatos. This was nine years before I got here. And I knew I was unfit. I couldn't make it in life. Everything I'd ever wanted to do, I had destroyed over and over and over again. The only thing I could do was live long enough to give my kids a decent start in life. And there was no hope for me. I had this little boy, my last chance of making it right with my kids. By the time I got to the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, eight years later, he was always over there. Never in the same room with me. He couldn't stand it. And I said, that's just the way it is in life. There's no hope for people like me. I went to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. They had the wisdom to call on me in that first meeting. I stood before them and I told them that I was here to find out what the creeps do on a Tuesday night. And they let me come back anyway. I tell this because it's kind of what happened. I went to my first meeting. I got mad enough. They insulted me. I inferred that I didn't have enough guts to stay sober. So I went to my second meeting at them. My friend took me to my first meeting on Tuesday night. He called me and asked me if I wanted to go to a meeting on Friday night. I said, are the people any better? And he said, I hope so. And I said, so do I. I went there and the people were just a little better. He called me up on Tuesday, the next Tuesday. He said, you want to go back there and see what they're like at St. Luke's? And I said, yeah. Why not? Maybe we hit them on a bad night. We went in and they were nicer, quite a bit nicer. My friend called me on Friday and he said, do you want to go to a meeting? And I said, looking forward to it. I went there and oh my God, had you changed. You changed into something nice. I called my friend up on Saturday and I said, do you want to go? And he said, no. And I have been going to meetings ever since. Everything that is near and dear to me has come to me because I got here. I was a couple of months sober somewhere in that period of time and I became aware of the fact that the greatest single moment of my entire life occurred when I walked into that meeting on a Tuesday night. The greatest single event of my entire life occurred when I walked into a meeting of All Colleagues Anonymous and I didn't even know it. It's kind of like one of the stories of my life was told to me by a man in a meeting. He said, I had a good day yesterday, but I didn't know it until today. Now I came in here and I had lost everything. And the reason I said that, I had lost everything that was of any value to me, my children who I loved desperately and my wife who I cared infinitely beyond my belief that you could care that much about if a person had turned into just rotten. And I know it was my fault and I didn't know why. The book told me and started giving me some stuff to work by. They said to me, it says that you have to learn how to share. And so I went home and tried it. Oh, that's heavy. You can't tell. You can't order around. You can't say, if you're like me, the direct command is a scowl. And everybody moves when you scowl. I couldn't do that anymore. You said share, so I had to share. And so I went home and I told my wife, I said, you can tell me anything. And she did. I run to a media, you know what that woman is talking about me. But you see, I couldn't say anything to her because in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, you said I had to avoid retaliation. And I said, I don't know how to treat her. And they said, you're right. And I said, well, how do I treat her? And they said, why don't you treat her like another alcoholic? And I said, oh, Jesus, everybody in Alcoholics Anonymous knows more than I do. He said, that's what I said, treat her like another alcoholic. Love and service is my code. I don't know how to do that. Learn. You see, I didn't have anything to lose because I had nothing to gain because it was lost from me. Because you told me that if the husband and the wife were to get back together, it must be on an entirely new basis because the old basis didn't work. And I had no skills in this area because my best shot had destroyed everything I wanted. And so all I did, and since it was lost from me, I never thought I'd get it back and so I never tried. I have never spent one half second trying to fix something that was broken. I haven't even thought about trying to do that because I was told the great promise that you offered me in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous is that I would know a new freedom and a new happiness and that meant newness is something that I have never had before and I'd better watch for it because I might be asked deep in the middle of it and not recognize it because it's new to me. I love sobriety. I like to yell. I love sobriety. I love the excitement that has happened to me because I was sober a little while. I came home to my wife and I tried to explain this incredible feeling that I had inside of me and she always has helped me because I have shared with her so many things that I was told not to do that because she might become an Al-Anon. I heard so much crap about that. It was immediately apparent to me that I should disregard that information because it was not written in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have done my work and it's come out of the Big Book and everything I've tried out of the Big Book has worked for me. So I came home and I told her, I said, Honey, I have this god-awful feeling and I don't know what it is but it's just driving me crazy. And she said, Is it a feeling good or bad? And I said, It's good. And she said, Well, what would you call it? And I said, I can't call it good because I have no reason to feel good. And she said, Well, call it something. And I said, Well, I think it's called impending good. I was two and a half years sober and I was in this Sunday night meeting in Saratoga and I became aware of a fact. I had a huge revelation. A huge revelation. And I was two and a half years sober and I had become aware of the fact that I was everything I had ever wanted to be and I had been for two and a half years. I was a good husband. I was a good father. I was a good citizen. And I was a nice person. And a gentle man. And it blew my mind away. We went on a vacation, the first vacation that she and I had had alone since we were married. And I came back from that vacation and I stood before you as I stood before you so many times and I told you of the great revelation that I said to you. I said, I have become aware of the fact that I am married to the girl of my dreams. Everything that is of real value. has been given to me as a result of coming here. Now I don't think I have done anything that is not in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'll share just a couple items and then get done. I was standing in an Al-Anon meeting and my wife, or not in an Al-Anon, I was in an AA meeting in my home group on Tuesday night. And some ladies come up from the Al-Anon room and they said, Oh John, tell me, tell me where Peggy stands in your life. Because there was a drunk that came in and said that his wife was number two in your life, in his life. And because you have such a fabulous relationship with your wife, please tell us, where does she line up? And I thought for a half a second and I said, number four. And they were horrified. And I explained to them. And I went home to my wife and I told her, Peggy, I've got something to tell you. You see, realize that I have freedom that you may not have because I had lost it all. And I walked up and I told Peg, I said, I've got news for you. And she said, what's that? I said, you're no longer number one in my life. And she smiled. She said, thank God. And then she said, just for curiosity's sake, where am I? And I told her, I told her, I told her, you're number four. And the reason you're number four is because I didn't take a drink one day. And that's the single most important thing in my entire life. I came to the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. And that's the second single most important thing in my life. And because of that, you gave me the power and the God of my very own. And when I got those things right, everything I wanted was mine. The kingdom was mine for it, as long as I don't lose the order of the first three things. I was a few months sober. To show you what happened. And how it happened for me. I was a few months sober and I was in my living room. With my little boy who was running and hiding when I got sober. I was standing there and Peg was gone somewhere. And I hear this little voice. This little boy who was afraid to talk to me. Afraid to be in the same room with me. This little guy sitting behind me in this living room. After a couple of months of sobriety said, Daddy. I love you. I have been overpaid. Because I have followed the directions that you've given me. And for that I'm so grateful I can hardly stand it. And with that, I have to call on my lovely daughter, Vicki. Hi, I'm Vicki, a very grateful member of Al-Anon. I just first want to say that whoever's idea it was to announce that there was extra spaghetti and salad and all that stuff. Great idea. The alcoholics went dashing over there. Picked up more than they could ever possibly use. And whatever was left, the Al-Anons took out of guilt. Great, I love it. I'll tell you a little bit about what I think it was like. Thank you. As you heard my father telling you, when he and... He didn't tell you this, I'm going to tell you this. When he and my mother got married, I was three years old. And... His five daughters, me and my brother, mom and dad, boom. We're in a house together. And what I remember, in going through my steps, there's no way I remember this by myself. But what I remember is that there was a real sadness about these five little girls that were suddenly a part of my family. And we were all thrown together in this house. And I had no way of knowing what that sadness was. But being a very wise three-year-old, and that's something I've carried with me through my life, being a wise three-year-old. What I understood at that point, and where my brain went with that information, was that I was different than them. All I knew was that there was a very heavy sadness about them, that they were not happy. Now, I, at three years old, was this blonde-haired, I mean curly white blonde hair, skipping, singing, boy, I was happy all the time. And I get into this house with these five little girls, who just kind of stare at you. And I'm thinking, oh, this is fun, okay? And realized immediately that I was different. And one of the things also that I, you know, within a couple years of the relationship there, the family kind of living together, somehow I made the decision that they needed a lot more than I would ever need. That the sadness was something that they needed a lot more love, a lot more nurturing. A lot more of whatever parents were supposed to offer to you. And that my feelings didn't count. That theirs were more important than mine. And that was something that I carried with me throughout my years. As we were growing up, I was the one who was always in trouble. And what I understand today is that a lot of that was, I wanted to make sure that when my dad was angry, that he could be angry at me and not one of them. And I wanted to be sure that when he was laughing or smiling, that I directed it to one of them. I would grab a sister physically and pull her in front. And put her there to receive that from my dad. Growing up was real interesting. We were all pretty crazy, needless to say. And what I remember of my mother, was that my mother sat in a chair a lot. And didn't say a whole lot. And never got angry. She smiled some and laughed some when dad was not home. But generally speaking, it was a pretty tense home life that we had. And I can remember growing up with my sisters, we all fought a lot. And my sisters were real resentful of me. What I didn't understand at the time was that when I was getting in trouble, I was getting attention, regardless of what that attention was. I was taking that attention from them. And there was a lot of resentments going on. As my father's disease progressed, things got crazier and crazier around the house. Sisters were getting married very young, moving out of the house, moving back in with kids. One of my older sisters ran away from home. And I remember when she ran away from home, that things got really crazy at the house. My parents were absolutely panicked that my sister had run away. And they took all of that out on those of us that were at home. And what my brain said was that I would never run away that way because I didn't want my sisters to go through what we just went through because of my other sister running away. So what I did instead is at age 16, I decided that I had enough. I watched my sisters for several years bowing to my father. I mean, it's like they would do anything in the world for this man. And I didn't get it. I couldn't understand why anybody would want to cater to the man who walked in, poured himself a drink, and passed out on a couch. It just wasn't my idea. And I watched my sisters do all this. And I was tired of it. I thought that my mother was the biggest idiot that ever lived because she continued to live in this situation. So once again, being a wise three-year-old at 16, I left. Because when the going gets tough, I'm out of here. And that's what I did. I left the state. My oldest sister was living in Nebraska at the time. And I went to visit her. And I decided I was going to go out there for a vacation. That's what I told my parents. And two of my sisters came to me and they said, Vic, we want to go with you on this vacation. And I sat them down and very matter-of-factly explained to them that you cannot go with me because I'm not coming back. And they both understood. And they never said a word to anybody. And they waved goodbye to me as I got on the bus and I left. And when I got to Nebraska, I stayed there for a couple of months, still on the guise of a vacation, and finally talked to my oldest sister and said, you know, do you mind if I stay? I don't want to go back home. Let my parents know via phone that I was gone and wasn't coming back home. Where I moved to was Murdock, Nebraska. The school I was attending in California, the graduating class was approximately 500 kids. The town of Murdock, Nebraska, now I moved out there for my senior year of high school, and a little history on that is that it was probably the first year of high school I actually attended. Because California, there was a lot of things to do and school wasn't one of them. So when I got out there, this was my senior year of high school, I'm going to Murdock Consolidated, where the population of the school is 500, and that's from kindergarten through senior year in high school. And what happened for me is that I walked into that school and I didn't know that kids in Murdock, Nebraska didn't wear miniskirts to school in the dead of winter. It never dawned on me. And I walked into that school and all the kids in there were going, wow, California has arrived. And I thought, yeah, I'm here. I like this. And I became the center of attention. And that school very quickly. There was a kid in my class who looked good. He was the football star. He was the star of the town. I decided he's mine. He was. And one of the things that I learned there is that it was the truth, honest. Anyway, one of the things that I found out about Murdock, Nebraska is that on first looking, there was really nothing to do but go to school. And what I found out was that there was a couple other things to do and I found them and I graduated from high school five months pregnant. All of the activities to do, I found them. The day after graduation, I got married. I was 17 years old getting married. I married this guy because he was the star of the town and because he met all of the criteria that I had on my list of things I wanted in a husband. And all that criteria was that he wanted me. That was it. And he met them all. So we got married. In that marriage, I continued my old ideas of that my feelings don't count and that it turned out to be a physically abusive relationship. And I knew that it was my fault. That if I could do something differently, if I looked differently, if I talked differently, if I could cook dinner better, if I hadn't spilled the oil on my foot and burned my toes, that he would like me more and he wouldn't hit me. Eventually, I found out that that wasn't working and once again, the going got tough and I booked it. And I spent the next three or four years single. If you want to call it single. I didn't know what to do. I had no idea how to live with myself because when my feelings, wants and needs don't count and I'm the only one home, this is real boring, folks. And so what happened for me is I started hanging out in the bars. And it was like, oh yeah, I remember this. This is what I grew up with. You drink a lot, you face down in the table or you snore somewhere in a corner. I can do this one. I know how to do this one. But one of the things I didn't understand was that alcoholism is a disease. And I tried to catch it. I tried real hard. I would sit at a table full of people who drank like the father that I grew up with. And I would go, okay, this is how you're supposed to drink. And I would get the first one down and the second one I'd be choking on. And it would be real tough for me. And I couldn't drink like them. And so what I knew was that once again there was something wrong with me. So what I did is I got a job tending bar. So the alcoholics in the room, you probably think that's pretty weird. You get a job tending bar so that you can drink for free. No, not in this head. My brain said you get a job tending bar so that you can still party with the alcoholics and you don't have to drink. When they offer you a drink, you say, oh no, I'm working. I can't. What I didn't know is that the other three bartenders working in the front bar were sloshed by 8-10. And I was the only sober bartender in the bar. It's a good thing I don't have shell shock or anything. Jeez. So I continued to hang out in the bar. And my list of criteria for men had gotten no longer. And it was still, he wants me, okay, no problem. I had a lot of short-term relationships, nothing very long. And what I knew was that I was lost. I was incredibly lost. And I was very depressed and very lonely. And I decided I was going to commit suicide. See, I'd burn every bridge that I had. I had absolutely no women friends because I had slept with their husband, brother, didn't matter. It didn't matter to me. I'd slept with them all. And so I had no women friends and I had no men friends because they knew all I was good for, which left my son. That was it. That's all I had in the world. So I decided that I was going to commit suicide and spare the world. So I sat down and I very systematically planned out my suicide. And I made sure that my son was in good hands, that he was taken care of, he was at his grandmother's, and I planned out how I was going to do it. And for some reason God decided I was not going to do it and he woke me up. And for anybody who's gone through that before, it was like all of a sudden my brain went, what am I doing? I can't do this. And I got on the phone and I called my ex-mother-in-law. I said, bring my son home. And I spent some time with him and I called my mother in California. Now the whole time I was in Nebraska, not the whole time, but soon after I went to Nebraska and my father got sober. Now I didn't take that personally. But I kept getting these letters from my younger sister saying, you know what, Dad's quit drinking. You're going to like him. And I thought, ha, no way. I don't care what he's done, I'm never going to like the man. But I called up my mother and I said, you know what, I need to get out of here. And she says, well, come on out to California. And I said, Mom, I got no money. She says, I'll pay your way. It's going to take a lot of tricks and a quarter of a shot, but I'll pay your way out here. My mother still had a sense of humor. I came out to California. Now I was real fortunate because when I arrived in California, my parents were on vacation, so I got to spend some time in their house before they were there. And I remember walking into the house and just being really nervous because what I knew is that when I left, I left a lunatic family. I was the only sane one and I had left. And coming back, what I knew was that they were stupid. That my dad was sober. My mom was in recovery. And I had absolutely no clue who they were anymore. When I left, I knew who they were and I hated their guts. And when I came back, all of a sudden, I had no clue who they were. And I was scared to death for when they got home. And I sat there and I waited for a few days and they came home from their vacation and they came bouncing through the door. I mean, it's like, you know, and they're laughing with each other, not at each other. They're talking and listening to each other. And I was just absolutely floored. I just looked at these two people going, who are you? Who are you? These are not the parents that I ran away from. Who are you? And we got to spend a little bit of time together. Now, I was in just a little bit of denial and really did not want what they had to offer. And so I got a job and I started working. And everybody after work goes out to the bar, so I headed out to the bar. And I'll never forget one night I'm sitting in the bar and this guy, you know, you know the eyes meet, you know, the crossed eyes and the straight ones. And he's trying to figure out which one's real and decides he's madly in love. And he asked me to marry him. And I laughed. I'm thinking, oh, here we go again. Yep, he's drunk. We know this one. And I laughed. And he bugged me for like weeks. And I'm thinking, this guy is a total lunatic. He bugged me for a week at work. He'd call every day, every day, will you marry me, will you marry me? And I'm like, you are nuts. Finally, I said, you know, do you mind if we like go out to lunch first? So we did. And three weeks later, I moved in with him. Now, during that first year of that marriage, it never dawned on me once again that I was reliving my past. And in that first year of marriage, we went up to a Willie Nelson concert. And we'd get there with another couple. And it gets ripped, right? And so we're at the end of the concert. We're going to take the coolers back up to the car. But everybody keeps falling down. So that's not working. So we decide the girls are going to stay with the cooler. And the guys are going to go off and get the car. So we're sitting there with the coolers watching the cars go by. Three hours later, we're still watching the cars go by. Six hours later, we're still watching the cars go by. And I go up to this police officer. And I'm thinking, oh, boy, they got arrested. And this cop's going, lady, he left you here. I'm like, oh, right, sure. He's going to leave me here? Seven o'clock the next morning, I called him, and he was at our house. He had left me there in Sacramento with no money, no nothing. And at one point in time, I finally got a room because I, being a resourceful Al-Anon that I am, I went crying hysterically up to a hotel clerk and begged and pleaded with him to please let me have a room. And my husband will pay you in cash tomorrow. And he let me have a room. About two months after that, we got married. And I could never understand the second step. I kept saying, insanity, uh-uh. What happened for me is that marriage lasted for eight and a half years. And during that time, things would get worse and worse and worse. And he got into drugs, too. And I would try real hard to drink with him. And I would try real hard to use with him. And I'd go crazy because I couldn't do it. And he hated me when I wasn't drunk with him. And, you know, I just went through all this stuff trying so hard to please him. And I spent so much time and energy trying to please him and drink like him. And not drink like him. And look like I was drinking like him. And all of those good things that I totally forgot about my son. And I just kind of, he was noise level, you know. This one's important. And I spent a lot of time doing that. And things would get really bad. I'd hear about a girlfriend or whatever was going on in his life at that time. And I would get hysterical. And I'd call my mother and I'd go, Mom, I can't believe what's going on. And she'd go, you know, there's this program called Al-Anon. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, right. So it would get to the point where I would go, I can't take it anymore. And I'd look at him and I'd say, I'm going to an Al-Anon meeting. And I'd stomp out of the house and I'd go to an Al-Anon meeting and I'd come home. You know, I'd get into the Al-Anon meeting and I'd look at the 12 steps on the wall and I'd go, that's it. His life is unmanageable. He is powerless over alcohol. I knew it. And I'd go home and I'd sit in that chair and I'd say, your life is unmanageable. And that's what Al-Anon did for me for the first six years of coming in and out. I'm out of here. Of course, I didn't come very often. I really didn't want to hear what you had to say. And finally, it happened for me. I had had enough. I had all that I could possibly take. And I was at a point where I knew that if anybody could crawl into my head, that they would know that I was certifiably insane and they would come and they would lock me up. And there was just now two ways about it. There'd been one more girlfriend. There'd been one more long run. There'd been one more scene with the kids. And the last one that finally broke me was me listening to him share his drugs with our 16-year-old. And that was more than I could handle. It was like, you know, go ahead and hurt me, beat me, walk on me with track shoes, but don't mess with my kids. And that snapped me and I just absolutely snapped. And I was lying in the fetal position upstairs in our bedroom and I was sobbing. And I had been in that state and that position for a lot of hours. And what I knew was that there was a gun up in the closet. What I didn't know was whether to use it on him or on me. And so what I did instead was I picked up the phone and I called my mother and I said, Mom, what Al-Anon meetings do you go to? And she told me and I said, good, I'm not going to those. I'm going to go to different ones. Because for the very first time in my entire life, I knew that I needed help and that help was available for me. And I went to my first Al-Anon meeting for me on May 10th, 1988. And I walked into the room and the first step said that I am powerless over alcohol and that my life was unmanageable. And I haven't stopped going to meetings since. And what this program has done for me is that it has given me the ability to have a relationship with the God of my own understanding. A friendship. A day-to-day relationship with that God. And to begin to understand that I'm okay. That God loves me and that God needs me here. And that my feelings, wants and needs do count. They absolutely do and there's nothing I can do to change that. And I am so very grateful to this program for giving that to me. And so today, you know, I go to my meetings, I'm involved in service and I smile today. I walk through this room. And I, you know, I just... There's a gentleman over here that I was walking by his table and he just stood up and he made me give him a hug. And I thought, yeah. And I want it too. And I can have that. And I do in this program. And I am so grateful to you all for sharing that with me. And allowing me to come share with you tonight. And with that I'd like to introduce my niece, Summer. Hi. My name is Summer. Hi, Summer. I'm here with my grandparents, John and Peggy Carney. And I'm 12 years old. And I have never done this before. I don't know a lot about alcoholics. Because my dad got sober before I was three. And my mom just drinks a little. So... And... Say don't drink, okay? Thanks, Bert. My name is Peggy and I'm a very grateful member of Al-Anon. First of all, I would like to thank Bert and the committee for having our family up here tonight. The spaghetti was good. Salad was good. And I'm having a good time. I hope everybody else is too. I don't know what you think of my family, but I think they're pretty good. When we get to come to something like this, I get so filled with gratitude for the programs of Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon. And Al-A-Teen and Al-A-Kid. Because Summer wasn't able to share with you. But Summer spent a number of years in the Al-A-Kid program. And she may not know a whole lot about the disease of alcoholism. But she knows a whole lot about her relationship with the God of her understanding. Yeah. And one of these days, hopefully, Summer will be able to share that with us. And I look out here on all these smiling faces and I try to remember what I was like at 12 years old. And there is no way I could stand up here at age 12 and even tell you who I was. As a matter of fact, about 14 years ago, I couldn't have stood up and told you who I was. Because I didn't know who I was 14 years ago. It took me kind of a while. It took me coming into Al-Anon after finally deciding after five and a half months of my husband's sobriety that his sobriety was not the solution to my life. You see, I had been praying for 15 and a half years that he would stop drinking so I'd be okay. I prayed that he would change so that I would be different. And that son of a gun, he stopped drinking. And I was not okay. He started changing and you know what, I was not the least bit different. It took me five and a half months of his sobriety to realize, you know, just because he's not drinking, that doesn't mean I'm going to get okay. Just because he's changing, that doesn't mean I'm going to be different. It took me five and a half months to realize that if I'm going to be different, I've got to change. I've got to change. And I had heard about Al-Anon. And I thought, well, maybe Al-Anon might have something for me. I would like to describe for you the way I remember our home before sobriety. Now we have eight children. One of our children, the oldest one, attempted suicide. She was unsuccessful. Our second child was a compulsive liar. She would lie when the truth would do her better. Our third child got into the drug scene. He was our oldest son. Shared his drugs with his younger sisters. He was one of those kids that there was no way to punish him because nothing meant anything to him. I would ground him. And he would not mind a bit spending time in his room. Why should he? He had marijuana plants growing in his room. I didn't know what they were. But he didn't mind spending time in that room. Our next child was Summer's mother. You talk about denial. I remember walking in on this kid. And she had razor cuts on her mouth and on her fingers. And there was a package of open razor blades sitting right next to her. And I looked at her and I said, Have you been playing with the razor blades? And she said, What razor blades? I didn't even know we had any. And that's a family joke to this day. You know, What razor blades? I didn't even know we had any. Our next child was a bulimic. Before the term was invented. We had taken her to the doctor. And before they invented the term bulimia. What the doctors called it was gut syndrome. And so they diagnosed her with gut syndrome. And I looked at her on the way home and I said, Geez, couldn't you come up with something a little more exotic sounding? I mean, gut syndrome, that just sounds awful. She still struggles with that today. And that's a lot of years later. Our next child was Vicki. Wonderful Vicki. Vicki ditched 30 days of school in a row before we found out about it. That was Vicki. The next child was our youngest daughter. And she was the one that takes care of everybody. She is an absolute doll with these big dimples and this beautiful smile. She was the last one pouring her dad drinks. I'll pour you another drink, Daddy. Will that make you happy? She wanted everybody to be happy. And she thought pouring Daddy drinks would make him happy. So she'd be sitting in the corner with a smile on her face just wanting everybody to be happy. And our youngest son, our little medical miracle that had some lung problems when he was little, used to cry because he didn't get his way. And he would cry all the air out of his lungs. And he would fall down. And he would pass out. And we would all be crying. And we would all be stepping over him. Just walking around him. You don't want to pay attention to those things. I don't know what we were... But we were stepping over him. Now while all this is going on, my husband is drunk, out in the swimming pool, doing the elementary backstroke, all by himself, talking to his friends who aren't there. And I'm standing in the middle of all of this. Aren't we wonderful family? Look at this Brady Bunch. You know, five little girls from here, a boy and a girl from here, and one of our own. Aren't we a wonderful family? And I believe that. All I ever wanted to be was a mother. That's all I ever wanted to be. I felt that I had so much love. Love inside of me. When I met John, this widower with five little girls, what an Al-Anon happening, or waiting for me. What an Al-Anon potential here. Can you think of anything better? When I was 26 years old is when I married John. I was 26. And overnight had seven children. Ages 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 9, and 11. Now who else, but an Al-Anon, would even think about taking on something like that? And of course he just happened to turn out to be an alcoholic. Which just kind of made my day. Because it brought me here. And you know I am so grateful today. Number one, that he is an alcoholic. And that he found recovery. For himself. And brought it home to us. But I am also grateful that I didn't kill that man. And I used to try on a regular basis. You know I think one of the major differences between alcoholics and Al-Anons. Is that when an alcoholic has had it. He picks up a gun and he shoots. And he thinks about the consequences later. An Al-Anon will sit for months. And plan. Because yeah I am going to do you in. But there is no way I am going to spend the rest of my life in jail for it. Well let me tell you what I did to this beautiful man. He was very very susceptible to bronchitis. And pneumonia. When he was drinking. And for about the last four years of his drinking. He averaged four stays in the hospital a year with pneumonia. Now what I used to do. Was when he would come home. And drink himself. To sleep. On the couch. In the dead of winter. And I would run around and open up all the doors and windows. And turn the furnace off. Then I would go to bed and I would go to sleep. I would get up real early the next morning. Close all the doors and windows. And turn the furnace on. And then wake him up. And he would wake up and he would go. Oh dear. And I would say. Oh my. I guess we better take you to the doctor. And sure enough he would have pneumonia. And into the hospital he would go. And do you know that I was at least two years into the Al-Anon program. Before I realized. That I was doing that. And I realized. Well he didn't drink when he was in the hospital. When he was under that oxygen tent. He didn't drink. And besides. Have you ever heard of anybody. Being convicted. Of murder by pneumonia. No judge. No jury in their right mind. Would have convicted me. But you know the son of a gun wouldn't die. John has a line. He says every once in a while. Only an Al-Anon. Would kill somebody to keep him sober. And we would. If we could get away with it. But most of us know we can't get away with it. And I'm so grateful today. That I didn't kill. My very best friend. Because I would have missed out. On one of the most beautiful relationships. I've ever seen. Much less ever had. You know. John was the first one in our family. To find recovery. And he brought it home to us. And I liked. What was happening to him. I wanted what he had. And that was a first. Believe me. I wanted what he was turning into. And I thought. Gee I wish there was a program for me. I thought it was only for alcoholics. Until someone clued me in. That there is a program for you Peggy. And it's called Al-Anon. John brought it home to me. I wanted it. I went to Al-Anon. And I got it. And you know. I never once had to try. To jam it down my kids throats. A lot of them did not like. What was going on in recovery. In our home. And it scared them. And I think Vicki described it real well. She knew who we were. Without recovery. And she didn't like us. But she knew. How to play that one. And it scared her. I remember our youngest daughter was 18. When John got in. Got sober. And I got into Al-Anon. And she came to me one day. And she said. You know mom. I thought he drank too much. But I could never figure out. What your problem was. And I have tried to see. Our home life. Through our children's eyes. And it is no wonder. That they were confused. Because one of the things. That they saw. Was a mother. Who one minute. Would be playing with them. And smiling. And paying attention. And in their eyes. The next minute. She would be this total block of ice. With no emotions. No feelings. No joy. No sadness. No anger. No nothing. And they didn't know. What had happened. You see they didn't know. That dad had come home. And poured himself a drink. The only way. I knew how. Not to hurt. Was to turn off all emotions. Now I didn't know. That when you turned off your emotions. So that you wouldn't hurt. That you turn off all your emotions. You don't get to feel joy. Or happiness. Just because you want to turn off the pain. You got to give up everything else too. And eventually. What happened to me. When I learned to turn them off. Is I forgot. How to turn them back on. It has. Taken Al-Anon. For me to learn. How to feel again. How to feel. I get so excited. When I get angry. I got angry the other day. And it just. It absolutely tickled me so much. I had to share it at an Al-Anon meeting. And everybody in the room who knew me got excited. I was. In the car. And I had this car cover. One of those nylon car covers. And the wind was blowing. And I was trying to put this stupid car cover. On my car. And I couldn't get it on. I absolutely could not get it on. And I brought that car cover. Into the house. And I threw it clear across the room. And I looked around. Nobody was there. Just me. All right. Because I threw something across the room. That is growth. For me. And I felt so much better. And everybody in my home group just clapped. Because Peggy could get angry. And throw something across the room. And that's what happens. When somebody learns. To turn their feelings off. And that's what happens. In Al-Anon. When we learn to turn them back on. And it's okay today. It's okay for me to feel anger. And deal with it. I don't have to. I don't have to turn those emotions off anymore. Because I have tools. I hear a lot of talk. About denial. And of course we had a lot of it in our home. But I think the main thing. We had in our home was ignorance. I did not know. My husband. Was an alcoholic. I didn't know. There was a program called Alcoholics Anonymous. I did not know. Alcoholism was a disease. What I knew. Was that I loved my husband. And I liked him. When he was not drinking. And when he was drinking. I hated him. I didn't know him. And I didn't want to know him. When he was drinking. Now he was a periodic. And when we first got married. Almost 30 years ago. He drank. He got drunk. Maybe twice. The first year I knew him. And maybe three times. The second year. When he got to Alcoholics Anonymous. He was drinking and getting drunk. Maybe four times a week. The progression of his disease. The progression of my disease. If he had been drinking and getting drunk. Four times a week. When I met him. I may have had a clue. And I hadn't married him anyway. But I might have had a clue. But I didn't have a clue. But by the time he got sober. And was drinking and getting drunk. Four times a week. That was still acceptable to me. The progression of my disease. The progression of my disease. The progression of my disease. We told you we have eight children. And we have 20 grandchildren. And we have 20 grandchildren. Most of our children are married to alcoholics. Most of our children are married to alcoholics. Either sober in Alcoholics Anonymous. Either sober in Alcoholics Anonymous. Not drinking. Or drinking and using. Some of them in various stages. We also have three great grandchildren. We also have three great grandchildren. And it's one of the reasons. And it's one of the reasons. That we are so pleased. That we are so pleased. To do this type of thing that we are doing tonight. Our three great grandchildren are living. Our three great grandchildren are living. In an abusive alcoholic home. This is a family disease folks. This is a family disease folks. And if you are the only one. In your family. That is in recovery. Take heart. It has to start somewhere. It has to start somewhere. And if it can start with you. Let it start with you. It started with John. He brought it home. I caught it. Our children. Some form of recovery. At this time. And as I said. I want. Al-Anon and Al-Ateen. And Al-Akid. And Alcoholics Anonymous. To be here. When our great grandchildren need it. When they are ready to reach out. And say yes. In an alcoholic home. I want help. Or I was raised in an alcoholic home. I want help. Or they are going to grow up. And either be one. Or marry one. Those are the odds. I want us. I want you people. To be here for them. And that is what this program. Is all about for us. So once again. I would like to thank you. For having us here. For being here. For staying here. So long. I appreciate it a lot.