Cessation of Drinking Is Just the Beginning — Emotional Sobriety Is the Final Frontier – Alexander K.

All right, y'all, it's 8 o'clock. Let's have an AA meeting. All right. My name is Chris Ward. I'm a Grateful Recovered Alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers meeting at the Napa Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. All right, this reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our own personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they established their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight, and listening later on aabluchipspeakers.org, desperately in need, will hear our speaker, and we believe it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I am one of them too. I must have this thing. So, at this time, I'll introduce our speaker. I got to know him real quick before the meeting, and I asked him, I was like, one good thing about you, you know, that I can stay positive about you from the podium. And he told me, he said, I'm sober. I said, oh, you've got to do better than that. Isn't that crazy that we think you've got to do better than that? And his buddy chipped in. He said, I've got something. Okay. He said, he read it, and I don't know what this means, but I'm just repeating what was said. That he regularly rubs his bacon, and it draws a large crowd. What that means, I don't know. So, with that, I will give you Alexander. Hey, guys, my name's Alexander, and I am an alcoholic. And I guess I need to start out by explaining the rubbing of the bacon before you guys think I'm in the wrong meeting. We get together on Saturdays and run, some of us better than others, and then afterwards, I supply a pancake breakfast, of which bacon is a part, and I have a bacon rub that I put on the bacon. It turns into, like, candy. And basically, we just eat all the calories we ran off. So, as you guys can tell, I'm not exactly thin. And in that line, if it's okay, can I take off my jacket, guys? Because, whoo-wee, it's kind of a funny story about my jacket. It's actually riding in the back of my wife's car right now, so I had to dig through my closet, and I found that one from the rehearsal dinner when I got married almost ten years ago, and I'm not that size anymore. So, maybe before we ate dinner, I could have fit in that jacket, but it's not an after-dinner jacket. I can't fit in it anymore. Well, thank you, Tim, for inviting me here and giving me an opportunity to be of service. I have a deep love for this program, and I have a deep love for, for service. In fact, I was joking with my buddy at work. I said, somebody needs to hear what I'm saying tonight. It may be them, or it's probably me. But somebody needs a meeting, because it was just one of those shit days where everything went wrong, and then I got home and realized, there goes my jacket in the back of the car. My sobriety date is May 22, 2005. If you're doing math right now in your head, or you have a calendar, you realize I'll have 12. 12 years next Monday. And when you guys hear this story, you'll realize what a miracle that is. You know, every day that an alcoholic stays sober is a miracle. That really is the greatest thing about me, is my sobriety. Without my sobriety, God cannot do all the things that you're about to hear through me and in my life. You know, and if you hang around here long enough, miracles will happen, and I just happen to be lucky enough to be one of those, and I'm lucky enough to be one of those miracles. I believe in sponsorship, so I have a sponsor. I'm not flying around out here Han Solo. I have sponsees. I'm right in the middle of the bed. I believe in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 steps. I am from East Cobb, over in North Marietta, East Marietta area. I was born and raised, and there must be something in the water over there, because I run into all kinds of people from East Cobb. Usually they're guys about my age. And they're in this program, but that's where I'm from. In my childhood, I won't stay in very long, because I know we're limited on time, but just to set it up for you guys, you know, middle-class home, nothing really stands out. Maybe I got smacked around a little too much, but that's about it. No drugs, no alcohol, but the message, you know, the message I left my childhood home with is that I'm worthless and unlovable. And in these steps, I found out that I had a great fear of abandonment that was born out of that. And you'll see it pop up in my story later on. I'm what they call an adolescent alcoholic, a type 2. That's for young alcoholics. Basically what happens is, you know, the first kind later on develops the craving and the allergy and the obsession. But for me, from the very first drink, I had the craving and the obsession. And we're also known as the psychotic. So once I added alcohol to my bloodstream, it was like gas to a fire. You know, my first drink was in Daytona, Florida. It was rumplemint. And if you're not familiar with that, it is peppermint schnapps. Just to foreshadow or tell you about the evening, we had taken a few ladies emotionally hostage. Not the most handsome guy in the room, obviously, but when I was younger, it was even worse situation. So. I had to really sell her to get her to take me back to her room. And, you know, it's funny because my first drink, I chose alcohol over relationships. And I did that for the next 17 years. If you gave me a choice between a person or a bottle, I'm taking a bottle every time because I don't have a choice. So anyways, her brother, uncle or somebody was there and offered to take us to the liquor store. And that's a good point. I can't remember who bought the liquor. But I. I can remember exactly where I was and I can remember exactly what kind it is because I'm obsessed with alcohol. I'm not obsessed with people. So in the back of the car, we're riding to the liquor store. My friend and I are discussing, you know, well, what are we going to do? And he was like, let's try this rumplemint. It's mint. It can't be that bad. It was that bad. It's pretty awful. But once I took that drink, you know, a craving hit me beyond my control and I couldn't stop. And leading to the adolescent alcoholic. It was 11 months later that I was arrested for the first time. That's how fast the bottom comes for me. I don't have a long, drawn out drinking career. I got sober when I was 29. So if you're a young person in here, you can get sober. You don't have to wait till you get older. In fact, there's a promise just for young people in the 12 and 12 that says we can be saved from the last 10 or 15 years of literal hell. And as you hear my story, you'll see that although it got pretty bad, it could have gotten a whole lot worse. Before I believe God stepped in my life and brought me to you guys. So I head back to Eastcom and I have tried my first alcoholic beverage. And there is a cornucopia of delights awaiting me in Atlanta. And I began to try everything. You know, I was a good Christian school kid. I wouldn't have known a beer from a glass of Kool-Aid. I had never seen it. But within 11 months of trying my first drink, I was shooting heroin. Because it just goes. That fast. It's Pandora's box. And there is no stopping. And that drinking and that drugging. And, you know, it's interesting when I look at my alcohol history. You know, it was always alcoholic. But early on, there was a mix. I wasn't particular to any brand of beer or liquor or cocaine or heroin or acid. It was whatever you got to get me out of the right here in the right now. Because my whole life, I've felt apart from. You know, I never felt apart of. It's not until I walked into these rooms that I felt comfortable enough to tell the truth. And so whatever you had that would get me out of right here, right now, that's what I wanted. And that's what I would do. And obviously, when you live that wide open, you start to get legal ramifications. And this is the part of my story where I like to say I took semi-annual vacations to the Cobb County detention. If you have never been there, I've been there so many times, I even noticed when they remodeled and complimented on. And it was also around this time of my arrest that I decided that I was not meant to be a criminal. I'm not the brightest guy in the world, but I can take stock of his situation. And when I came to the general population, a small Christian kid surrounded by guys that probably knew what they were doing, as far as crime, more than I did, I was like, I got to get out of here. And I will do whatever you ask me to do. Just get me out of the right here, right now. Please get me out of jail. And my parents agreed. And that's the thing. I can stop the drugs if the consequences are great enough. But I cannot stop drinking. You know, it is a power greater than me. And without God, without 12 Steps, without spiritual awakening, strict sponsorship, I cannot stop. So I agree, and I sober up for a little bit, and I try to put myself back into school, into college, because I had graduated high school by this point, and I was looking to get my degree. And as you guys are well aware of, I'm sure, college is a great fertile ground for drinking. But I figured, as long as I didn't do the drugs, everything would be okay, and it was not. So I started drinking. It turned alcoholic very, very quickly. You know, it's an amazing thing. I see it happen over and over again. Guys and gals partying in college, straighten up, go get jobs in houses. But us, the alcoholics, the addicts, we're still in that same shitty apartment, doing the same thing over and over again. Because we can't stop. We can't go get the job. You know, we can't go get all these various things. But I wanted to. I desperately wanted to be normal. My whole life, I just wanted to be normal. Maybe tall and athletic and handy. Handsome, but normal at least. You know, I'll take that. And, you know, that just drove me my whole life. That fear I had as a kid. You know, my base emotion is fear. I love how Bill Wilson says that around the fourth step. We see the word fear bracketed. That was my life. And it was around this time that alcohol was beginning to control my life that I tried my hand at dating. And I did have an alcoholic relationship. If you're not familiar with those, it's two dates and a U-Haul in the driveway. And after a few months of dating, she became pregnant. And I wanted to do the right thing. You know, I was raised the right way. I had a moral code. I had no ability to live up to the promises I was about to make. But I wanted to. So I agreed to marry her. And welcome her into the hell hole that was my life. And I can remember after we got married, just a few weeks, her begging me to come to bed. You know, why don't you stop? Why don't you come to bed? I can't. You know, I'm a country music fan a little bit. And Clint has a great line. He says, I keep a tight grip on the bottle. And that's what I had. I could not let go of the bottle. I could not come to bed. There is the most beautiful woman in the world who is about to give birth to the most beautiful little girl in the world. And I could not be in relationship with them. I could not stop drinking long enough to be the man that I knew I needed to be. And I'll never forget the day that little girl was born. I leaned over and she was crying. And I said her name and she stopped crying and she grabbed my finger. And I made her a promise I wasn't able to keep. You know, I'll be here for you. I'm your dad. Everything is going to be okay. It was the same promise I gave her mom. But without you guys. That's a promise I can't keep. You know, I cannot live a normal life outside of this program. And so the darkness came on us. You know, the bottom came very fast. My drinking escalated. And it was, I think I was about a junior in college. My grades began to slip. But I was unable to look at the fact that alcohol may be causing my grades to fall. Because, you know, just like it says in the big book. I have a disease of perception. I can't, after time, differentiate the true from the false. And I couldn't see that alcohol was causing my grades to slip. Or that it was eating away at my marriage. Or preventing me from being a father. So I went and I sought out some help. And this wonderful doctor decided to do me a solid. And he prescribed me Ritalin. Which if you guys aren't familiar with this. It's basically legal speed. And it was awesome. And I also experienced a medical term at this point called euphoric recall. You know, I had forgotten about, you know, the drugs. I had forgotten about how it felt to get high off of drugs. Because all I had done is alcohol after that arrest. But boy, when that Ritalin hit my bloodstream, I remembered. And it was awesome. But it also came with a huge consequence in that it escalated my drinking. And now it's just reaching epic proportions. And I'm just a young guy. I can remember people looking at me like, Man, you drink like an old man. And I'm like, well, I know. But I can't stop. And it was followed by, thank you so much. It was followed by just horrendous hangovers. And I started to experience withdrawals. And if you're in those rooms, then you know exactly what that feels like. Not remembering, blacking out, waking up to terror, bewilderment. And it's just awful. And it was also about this time that I had gotten employed. I was going to school at night. And I ran into a guy. And he noticed just the horrible shape I was in in the morning. Because there is no hiding what you are the morning after a bender. Everyone around you knows the truth come the morning. You can hide it for a certain amount of time at night. But the morning does tell all truths, you know. And he said, you look terrible. And he offered me marijuana. It was about this time, and we were joking about this before, that I entered the marijuana maintenance program. And this is the part of my story that reminds me of, and more about alcoholism when they talk about switching from natural wines to regular wine, to beer, to liquor, swearing off, not swearing off. That's what I did. Except in my story, you know, I went from booze to weed. And then the weed quit working, so I went to blow. And then the cocaine quit working, so I tried meth. And that program does not work, by the way. It's interesting. Now you guys want to hear my story. Then nobody wanted to hear my story or much of anything I had to say. And it all failed because I went back to drinking. And then I started losing touch with reality. You know, you can go out there on the bottle and the speed so long that you just begin to lose touch. And I began to become very violent. You know, for those two guys here that know me really well, and maybe you guys have already judged, I don't seem like a violent guy. Normally, and in my right mind, I'm not violent. But when you put me out there on the speed and alcohol as long as I was, I just become crazier than a goat. And it was around this time that my wife and I decided we needed to save our marriage or work on our marriage, so here comes kid number two. Because that's a better idea. I already failed as a husband and a father, so why not have another child? It was about this time my son was born, and I was so proud. I was so happy. That was my baby boy. You know, he's going to be everything I can't be. I'll do anything for my son. I'll do anything. And I made a promise to him that I could not keep, and I broke. And the darkness came, and it got worse. And finally, I'm not sure whether it was just me, whether it was just because I was an asshole, or the drinking, or the drugging, or the rampant illegal activities that were happening in the house, but my wife had had enough. And she fled. Now, I can see that on this side of the 12 steps, but on the first side, if you had asked me what happened, I would have said the bitch has abandoned me and ratted me out to the cops. And she's a rat. And she's going to get hers. You know? And she cheated on me and betrayed me. You know? And none of that's true. Because, you know, I can't differentiate the true from the false. And so she left. And it was around this time that she also had contacted the authorities. Because when I lost my shit, I'm telling you guys, I lost it. You know? And all the rage and all the anger at myself, at others, all the perceived, you know, slights and hurts and insults of never being enough, of all those broken promises, of getting knocked around as a kid, of all the terrible stuff that happened. You know, I had this counselor that said it. They call it emptying the trash can. And I did that night. I dumped the whole trash can out and I just went crazy. And that is frowned upon. And so it was around 3 o'clock in the morning that the SWAT team surrounded my house. And if you're in here, you've probably experienced paranoid delusions where you think the cops are outside. But in this case, they were really there. And I always joke around, it was about this time, because I have that delusions of grandeur. I don't know if anybody else suffers from that. And I can remember these movies from my childhood, and one came to mind, Young Guns, when in a blaze of glory, Billy the Kid with Bon Jovi blaring went down in a blaze of glory. And I thought, you know what? This is going to be awesome. You know, they are going to wean children on this legend. And they'll put it in the papers, maybe not the AJC, but I'll definitely make the Marietta Daily Journal. And it will be a big deal. So I looked at my shotgun, and the booze and weed said, let's go. So I grabbed my shotgun and I'm headed to the front door to swing it open and go down in a blaze of glory. And about that time, it hit me. You know? God did a miracle. I thought of another human being. Three, actually. My wife and two kids. And I laid the gun down and I opened the door. Which is a good idea, because I think they really practice this and they know what they're doing. And I'm just a drunk and crazy person and didn't stand a chance. So I complied with all their demands. And I would like to say that was my bottom, and I entered a recovery, and I got sober. But I didn't. Because that wasn't enough to convince me. Because at this point, if you remember just a few minutes ago, I said that I cannot differentiate the truth from the false. I cannot stop. And I cannot see that it's alcohol that's doing this to my life. I cannot see that it's drugs doing this to my life. I cannot see that my wife left me because she got enough of who I really was, which was an abusive junkie that stole from her, that was stealing out of the house. I can't see any of that stuff. All I can see, all I can see is what you've done, not what I've done. And in that pit of self-obsession and self-absorption, after I got bailed out, I decided to end it kind of like another song, with a fistful of pills and whiskey, and I swallowed them all down. And I did it, and I attempted all my life. And I would have been successful, but I made one last call to my mom. And that's how selfish I was. Because not only was I going to take my life, but I was going to call the person who gave it to me. You know, I made an amends that I didn't realize I made a few years ago. My mom said, you know, I can finally sleep through the night. You know, I'm not worried that the phone is ringing and my son's dead. I can finally sleep through the night. So they kicked down my door and they dragged me to Ridgeview, and I'm in handcuffs and my hair is crazy, and at this point from the SWAT team I'm missing a tooth, and they asked me with my hands, you know, like this. And I don't know if you guys have gotten to that level of criminal behavior, but I quit being arrested like this, and I started having what I call the jazz hands, you know, where it's side by side and shackles. You can kind of do a penguin walk. And so I'm sitting there and all that with two deputies on either side of me, because that's how violent I am. And they're like, do you think you have a problem? And what do you think I said? No. No. I drink a little bit, but that's all I really do. But in there I began to be around us. I began to be around recovery. And I began to think that maybe, possibly, it had something to do with the drinking, drugging, but nah. So while I'm in Ridgeview, if you guys have ever been there, they have this thing called Dr. Hush. Let me check the time. We're doing all right. Dr. Hush is where they send out these giant guys and a nurse with two shots of Thorazine in either hip. So as you're getting really excited and getting really angry and everything, they pin you down, they hit you with that, and about five minutes later you're just drooling and crying, and they hand you a chocolate brownie. So there I am, big, tough criminal guy, drying and drooling and have chocolate all over me. But you can only go through so many of those Dr. Hushes before they kick you out. And it's funny because I got invited to tell my story at the AA or the Ridgeview alumni. And I had to confess, I was like, I'm not an alumni. I got kicked out, but I'm your speaker. And so they kicked me out, and I'm supposed to go down to this other rehab on the coast of Georgia where my family lives. And I remember it's a five-hour drive. All I got to do is get from point A to point B. And it should not be that difficult, but if you have a disease, my type, as soon as you take the handcuffs off or the sliding metal door or the glass door or wherever I am, I go get what I got to get. And I go get drunk, and I certainly did that. Wrecked my car on the way down, got pulled over, turned into another huge mess. Anyways, the next morning, because it took me two days to go five hours, I pull into the rehab, and they drug test me. And the doctor comes out very concerned. And it's like, you know what? You have like five or six active chemicals in your system right now. I was like, well, that makes sense. That's one an hour. It was a five-hour drive. I mean, what do you expect? And that's also where they gave me this book. If you can see that, it says Gateway. But I wasn't ready. I didn't want to hear anything because it was still my parents. It was my circumstances. It was my life. It was anybody other than drugs and alcohol. Please, God, don't take my best friend. You know? Please, God, don't take my bottle. And it's also interesting to note here, I've been kicked out of everywhere. I've been kicked out of churches. I've been kicked out of domestic violence groups. That's another great story, which I hope you come and talk to me afterwards. That's one of my favorite things about talking is meeting you all. I'll be more than happy to share that one with you. I get kicked out of everywhere. But what's great is the only requirement for membership to Alcoholics Anonymous is a desire to stop drinking. It doesn't even say you've got to do that. It just says you've got to have a desire to stop. And I'm so grateful for that because you guys can't kick me out. Or maybe after tonight. We'll see. So after Gateway, I leave there and I come back and I commit some more crimes because I decide at this point I need to write a letter. You know, I've had two wonderful programs in me, and I think this is the time to set my marriage straight because it's been at least a couple of weeks of on and offs for Bridie. Surely my head is cleared and I'm ready to work on the marriage. So I decide to write a beautiful and romantic letter to my wife and drop it off on her front door at about 4 a.m. If you're aware of what restraining orders are, you know, nothing says love like a restraining order. This is a frowned upon procedure, and the cops at the scene did not find the letter beautiful and romantic. They actually found it pornographic and violent. So I got charged with, like, aggravated, I don't know, all these terrible things. And I got locked away. And I'll now turn into my sobriety. And that was my bottom. Not my last string, but was my bottom. And I entered a program over in Woodstock. And the best thing this program had going for it is I was bonded into their custody. So I learned obedience. When my counselor told me to jump, I jumped. When he told me to dance, I did with or without music. And I learned obedience. And I also learned unconditional love. And I also found my higher power there. But I didn't find the program. So when they let me out of there, even though I had all these charges and I was bonded into their custody, what do you think I did? The night before my baptism, because it was a Christian program, and when you graduate, they want to baptize you, I decided that I was so Christian now that I should be able to go have a drink. So my last drink is the night before my baptism, because, you know, oh, hell, why not? Let's break all ten commandments. And I think I did. But May 22, 2005, that's my sobriety date. And that's when I entered into sobriety. And a few months later, I came into my first meeting, found my sponsor, worked the 12 steps, and began to have a spiritual awakening. You know, I have not found it necessary, and I love to say this out loud, to take a drink or get high or in any way use substances since May 22, 2005. And that's amazing. Because I'm not wearing handcuffs right now. There's no parole officer waiting for me anymore. There's no P-cup at the probation office. You know, there's nothing keeping me sober right now except you guys and God in this program, and that's amazing. But when I worked the first 12 steps, I was still a pretty screwed-up guy. And I really just wanted to do it so I could get my family back, so I could get my kids back, so I could, you know, prove them wrong. But I didn't have any emotional sobriety. You know, Bill Wilson calls it the final frontier. And if you've worked the 12 steps and you have some time, that's what you're on, the final frontier, trying to get emotional sobriety. Today, my sobriety is enjoyable. I love the way I feel today. I did not then. But I did stay sober because my focus was entirely on getting my wife back in the essence of time. I'll escalate the story to February 2012. 2007. And that's when my wife and I had been separated since about 2005. And I couldn't understand why we're not getting back together. Probably because I was a dry drunk and an asshole, but I didn't really want to look at that. So why aren't we getting back together? And I pull in the driveway, and I find out there's another car there, and it's not mine, and you guys could put two and two together. And that is when I entered just a dark night of the soul. That is when I hit emotional bottom. I would say I hit my physical bottom on May 21st, but my emotional bottom was in February of 07. I needed relief. I needed relief. I understood then what a resentment was. I remember the first time I took the 12 steps, I don't have a resentment. What's a resentment? This is crazy. I'm sexy. But boy, did I know what it was then. Because that's all I thought about was that guy. You know, I know more about that guy than his mom. I thought about that guy every day. And I got angry. And fortunately, I called my sponsor, and he said, Is the house on fire? No. Are they alive? Yes. He said, Go home. And after about 10 or 12 tries, I went home. And I'll fast forward to October of 07. That's when I went to The Rock. And if you're a man and you've ever gone to The Rock, I highly recommend you do this. And I heard a speaker who changed my life. That's why I'm also deeply humbled to be up here, because I know the power of a speaker because it saved my life. And he presented the steps and the program in a beautiful way. And I realized that I needed relief, not just from drugs and alcohol and cessation of drinking, because that's just the beginning. You know, that's just the beginning. I needed relief from the ism, from alcoholism, from the crazy thinking, from the resentments, from the fears. You know, I used to say my personality before the personality change was like a porcupine on speed. You know, I just poked and prodded into everyone. And nobody wanted to be around me. There's only one person that's been around me all 12 years of my sobriety, and he's sitting right there. But that's just because he was as big an asshole as I was, and we had each other, you know? And so I started working the steps the way they're outlined. And I started to get the solution, and I started to change. And I went through the 12 steps this time. And I know a big moment came in my fourth step when I finally drew that last column. You know, what was my part? And that's when it changed. You know, my wife was no longer the bad guy, the evil ogre that had left and abandoned me. She was a hero that had saved my kid's life. And all through the steps, I did it just like the outline. You know, I finally fully conceded to my innermost self that I am an alcoholic. I'm not normal. I'm bodily and mentally different. And more importantly, I left the god of my childhood. You know, I've had two gods in these rooms. The G.O.D., which is a group of drunks, and the Father of Lights that's in the big book. And at this point, I began to find the Father of Lights. And I really began to believe that he could restore me to sanity because I had spent enough time in the rooms where I saw it happen for you. And I figured if it happened for you, it can happen for me. And after that event in February of 07 that he kept me sober through, I surrendered. You know, I said, God, it's your show. I've messed up my whole life running on self-will, self-will-run riot, the roaring tornado. So, God, you take it, one day at a time. You know, this morning I got on my knees. I prayed the third and the seventh. And you know what God told me to do? Stay sober, help another alcoholic, achieve sobriety, which is why I'm also, again, grateful for this opportunity to carry the message. So I went through four and five and omitted the ugly stuff, saw my character defects, asked God to remove them. And you know, to this day, I had a sponsee in my living room. We were going through the big book. And I could not remember the last time I've raised my voice. I can't. You know, there's some character defects God removes. There's some He leaves and some He momentarily takes away, like my fear of public speaking. I am deathly afraid of public speaking. I'm an introvert, but God removed it long enough for me to get up here. Then afterwards, on the way home, I'll probably realize what I just did and be totally petrified. But you guys won't see that one. And you know, I go through eight and nine. This time, you know, when I get into the immense process, I'm not interested in what I can get and what you can owe me. I'm interested as altruistically as I can to make right the wrong that my alcoholism caused. You know, make right the wrong. Make restitution. Not, I'm sorry, but here's your thousand bucks. And move on. You know, make amends. And I move through 10, 11, and 12. I mean, every day, if you guys, like these guys know me, 86, 87, 88. I say it so many damn times. They're like, oh my God. I say that again. Because as soon as anybody calls me and tells me I'm afraid, I'm resentful, I'm being dishonest. Did you get on your knees this morning? Did you do your 10th step last night? You know, I do the 10th step every night. Those are the watchwords of my life. Am I being afraid? Am I being dishonest? And I'll tell you why that's important. Because if I'm doing those things, I'm in my will. And if I'm in my will, you better watch out. Because I can make a mess. And I may pick up a drink, you know. I love how they phrase it in the big book that we have to remove the blocks. We have to remove the things that block out the sunlight of the Spirit. And when we do that, God's power enters our life in a way that is miraculous and will do for us those things we cannot do for ourselves. And there was another founder of AA we hardly hear of. I'm reading his book. It's Reverend Shoemaker. And Bill W. called him the unknown founder of AA. And he's actually, in his sermon today, he says that's what he did over and over again. Removed the blocks. And God did that. And he entered my life. And I began to have the personality change. And, you know, I do try to carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers. You know, in the 12th step. I do try to be of service. Service is the blocks and roots of my life. I was on the phone with the sponsor this morning. He was all caught up in himself. I said, go buy somebody lunch. You know, it's a funny story. My buddy Steve, who's sitting there, he doesn't mind me saying his name. When we first got sober, they told us to be of service. And if you can't be of service to another alcoholic, buy somebody a cup of coffee or give them some money or buy them lunch. Which wasn't so bad for me because I worked in a big office. So I would just go, like, next cube over, hey, can I buy you a coffee? And after a while, I was seeing this sweaty, crazy guy trying to get sober. They were like, oh, my God, here he comes. Let him buy you a Coke or something. But poor Steve, he worked in a small office in downtown. So he had to come all the way down the escalator out on the streets of Atlanta and chase homeless people down trying to give them money. And I'm really sorry I did that to you, but, you know, it worked. And so I tried to carry the message. And, you know, things have begun to change. And I'll wrap up with this. And in 09, my then ex-wife just called me and said, would you like to put our son in baseball? And if you remember back to my sorority, I said, oh, my God, I would love to do that. I can finally keep the promise to play ball with my boy. So we sat at the table at the ballpark together. And we went out to lunch. And my son said, wow, that went better than I expected. Because up to this point, there's a sacramony and hatred and anger, just all the brokenness and everything. But we began to enjoy each other's company. And we began to laugh. And sure enough, lunches turned into family dinners. Family dinners turned into dates. And dates turned into February of 2010 when I found myself in a crowded restaurant. Again, public speaking. Down on one knee asking her to marry me. And she said yes. And this time, I made a promise to her that I could keep. I said, I will spend the rest of my life proving to you you made the right choice. Because I have the we of Alcoholics Anonymous behind me. I have a God that entered my heart. And she may be crazy and I may be crazy, but she said yes. And today, that person that was my enemy, that person that I had done all those awful things to, that person today is my most and closest friend. She is my wife. And we got married. And I'll never forget. It was July 24, 2010. And I better never forget our anniversary or I'll be adding another chapter to the story. And my sponsor, he plays Amazing Grace at The Rock. And I'll never forget when that song played. There was not a dry eye. And I really understood what that meant. God doing for me what I could not do for myself. And we have a funny sign at the house that says that remember, as far as everyone knows, we're a normal family. And if it wasn't for all the AA plaques on the wall, you would probably never guess. And you know, I would like to end my story there, but I want to talk about the importance of sponsorship for a minute. And I'd like to say that the credits roll. But you know, this is life. And life keeps coming. And we got to live on life's terms. And about two years ago, I came home to cook dinner because that's my way of making Spritey. And it looks like I got two more minutes. And I'll close with this then. I was making my daughter's favorite meal. She likes steak and blue cheese anyways. And so I'm making dinner. My wife goes upstairs because today I own a home. I mean, I used that upstairs. I never owned a home. I never owned shit until I came here. You know, I didn't think I was capable of that. But I have a home. It's crazy. So she went upstairs to wake her daughter up. But she won't wake up. She won't wake up. And we find out why. My daughter had just attempted suicide. Now, I don't say that to make it grandiose. And I don't say that for attention. I say that because, A, she asked me to so that you guys can understand the importance of 86, 87, 88. Because if I wasn't spiritually fit that day, then I wouldn't have been there sober to run across the parking lot with her in my arms. But you guys gave me that gift. I was the one that was there for her. And, you know, it's kind of funny, when they put her in the nut hut, when the doors closed behind, they let me go. I stayed. And they were like, Sir, you can leave. I was like, holy cow. Okay. And she leaned in and she goes, Well, Dad, you know, now you know which kid is like you. But here's why sponsorship is important. Because I was in the deepest, darkest depression of my life. You know, here I am. I'm sober. I'm carrying the message. I'm telling everybody this great story of how my wife and I got back together. And my daughter just attempted suicide. How do I tie that in? And God sends me two wet drunks. And these guys were crazier than a goat. But as I began to pour into their life, and they began to pour into my life, that depression lifted. And that sunlight of the Spirit came back in. And I got to be a part of my daughter's recovery, which is beautiful. She's in the sister program now. And she's doing wonderfully. Straight A's. Everything's okay. And I'm okay. You know, I'll never forget one night we were at the table and she said, Daddy, just let me die. Just let me die. Because depression had her in. And my wife's like, what do we do? And I said, I don't know. I'll take her to a meeting. And I did. And she got involved. And now she's had the spiritual awakening. And she's got a job. In fact, she's there tonight. I'm so proud of her. But none of that would have happened. And I wouldn't have stayed sober if it hadn't been for those two wet drunks that came into my life. And when I saw God take them from being drunk to being sober, I came to believe all over again. Isn't it amazing, at least for me, when you take a sponsee through the steps, the changes God does in your life? I mean, how many times is it you've gone through a fifth step and like, let me tell you something. Me too. Me too. Or an eight and nine. You know, oh boy, I better go clean that up. And today, if you come into my house, yeah, the scars are there. Yeah, there's brokenness there. Yeah, but you know what there is? There is joy. There is laughter. And on Saturdays, we go running and we make a pancake breakfast and it's the craziest bunch of assholes this side of the nut house, but we're having a ball. And I love the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'll close with this and then I'll get out of here because we got to do chips and that's awesome. I will say that right out of the big book, you know, God has entered my heart. And I said this earlier in a way that is indeed miraculous and accomplished for me those things which I could not do for myself. And he did that for me. He's done that for you. And if you're in here wondering if there is a God, yes, there is. He'll do it for you. And don't quit five minutes before the miracle. I love you guys. You're my heroes. Thank you so much, Alexander. That was great. Another round of applause for Alexander. That was awesome. Thank you, guys. Thank you, guys. Thank you, guys. Thank you, guys. Thank you. Thank you, guys, you guys. We'll find a way to move forward into a better world. нужно en module