Am I Interested in Telling My Story? No. Will I? Yes 🫠 – Amnesty S.
About This Speaker Tape
Amnesty tells her story at the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers Meeting online, sober since August 1, 2014. She grew up in Virginia feeling unwanted by her father and stepmother, a step-brother and step-sister who seemed more loved, and a sense that something was wrong with her. From the first drink, alcohol was how she coped.
In ninth grade, drunk teenagers drove over hills chasing the butterfly feeling; the driver missed a turn, and Amnesty was ejected through a closed sunroof. She broke her shoulder, pelvis, had a brain and spinal injury, tore off the left side of her face, lost the total volume of her blood, and spent 21 days in the hospital. It didn't stop her.
In tenth grade she was locked in a room with two boys at a party; when she pressed charges, the school sided with the popular seniors and reconfirmed every feeling of worthlessness she already had.\n\nShe moved to Atlanta at 18, flunked out of college, got a DUI at 20 and drove drunk again the same night, got fired from a bartending job for screaming at customers, hit a parked car, and dropped to 96 pounds. Her boyfriend, now her fianc�, was in recovery and told her he couldn't stay with her if she kept drinking. She quit in August 2014 with no program � white-knuckled for a year and got worse.
A friend outside a Chipotle heard her say, 'If he leaves me, I will be drinking tomorrow,' and something shifted. She got a sponsor, started the steps, hit a rough patch, and was driving to Buford to drink when a thought told her to go to Serenity House instead. She turned left instead of right, walked into a women's meeting, and surrendered.\n\nThe spiritual breakthrough came after her car was broken into and her weapon stolen � panicked that she had supplied a killer, she got on her knees and said the Serenity Prayer slowly, word by word, for an hour. The guilt lifted by morning. The bigger miracle was making amends to her father and stepmother after three years of being 'willing to be willing.' She walked in with 25 years of hatred, kept the amends simple, and walked out free. Her stepmother later texted, 'I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like I didn't love you � because I did.'\n\nToday she is a stepmom to a nearly-nine-year-old she's raised since age two, a University of Georgia graduate after seven years and three applications, a licensed realtor, a sponsor, and a fixture at Serenity House. She describes life with a calm mind, the ability to pause, friends who pray with her, and freedom to walk through Vegas, weddings, and bachelorette parties without being enslaved to alcohol. The problem was always inside her; the solution was turning left.
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Timestamps
Full Transcript
Take me where the promises are real, are real, the promises are real.
My name's Tim, and I'm an alcoholic.
Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers Meeting on NavaZoom, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous for one year or more of...
My name's Tim, and I'm an alcoholic.
Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers Meeting on NavaZoom, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous for one year or more of...
Take me where the promises are real, are real, the promises are real.
My name's Tim, and I'm an alcoholic.
Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers Meeting on NavaZoom, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous for one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story.
This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view,
the way they establish their relationship with God.
These give a fair cross-section of our membership and a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives.
We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts of bad taste.
Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women on Zoom tonight and listening later on aabluechipspeakers.org,
desperately in need, will hear our speakers.
And we believe it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say,
yes, I'm one of them two, I must have this thing, and Kelly is going to do the honors.
Hey guys, I'm Kelly, I'm an alcoholic.
You guys are in for a treat. I really admire Amnesty. It's been a joy to work with her.
She is so, so dedicated to her program and to having me.
She has a healthy life, which is really cool.
I've had the opportunity to watch her really establish the principles of this program and all her affairs
and have it spread into everything she does and everything that touches in her life has been able to be influenced by this program.
She is just a very strong and courageous woman.
Like most of us, she doesn't always want to do what God is asking,
but she, you know, pulls up her bootstraps and gets her waders on,
because when it gets deep, she keeps charging that road to happy destiny.
With that, I give you Amnesty.
I'm Amnesty, and I'm an alcoholic.
I first want to say thank you to Kelly and to Tim for having me tonight.
And Kelly, I'm staring right at you. You're on the big screen, so I'm talking right to you.
I wanted to thank them for having me speak tonight.
It's funny that Kelly actually said what she said, because a few weeks ago we were doing virtual step work,
and I admitted to her that I hadn't done Zoom meetings yet,
because I was really resistant to it, and I'm not a fan of change.
I don't know if anyone can relate, but when everything happened and everything shifted to online,
I didn't want to do it. I was really resistant.
And I told Kelly about it, and she said, just do it. Just get on it.
Just do the Zoom meeting, and so I did.
And the first Zoom meeting I did was hearing Kelly speak.
And then as soon as that meeting ended, Kelly texted me and said,
would you be interested in telling your story?
And so, of course, I thought, like, oh, go figure.
The first time that I joined a Zoom meeting, now I've got to be of service doing not my most favorite thing ever.
And so when she texted me that, I said, am I interested? No. Will I? Yes.
And it's funny, because my higher power, he has perfect timing for everything.
And like I said, this isn't my most favorite form of service, but I do it, right?
And at the beginning of this year, I started doing some deeper work,
and I started to work on areas of my life that I hadn't really looked at yet,
and I tried to make some changes.
So I've been going through a lot this year in regards to that.
And last night, everything kind of came to a head with it and exploded.
And I got all in myself, and I got in my head, and it was all about me, right?
Poor, pitiful me. Why is this happening to me?
And what I've learned in this program is that when I'm consumed with myself,
the best way to get out of that is to be of service.
And lo and behold, today just so happens to be the day that, you know, Tim had asked me to share my story.
And so I was thinking about that, and I was thinking about just how the timing always works out, right?
I didn't want to do the Zoom meetings. I finally got on.
I didn't want to share my story, and then look. Look what happened.
So.
I'm really actually excited to be here and to be sharing my story tonight.
I'm actually not that nervous.
Being online and staring right at my sponsor is not too bad versus in person.
So I'm feeling okay.
Any time I tell my story, I like to kind of think back to the last time I told my story.
And I like to think about where I was and what I've gone through since then.
And because for me,
my program is constantly evolving.
At least I try to keep it that way, right?
I'm always trying to stay in the middle of it and do what I can do to continue growing.
And so I really like to look back and kind of take a little bit of time to reflect.
And what I've noticed is I tend to get stuck on what it was like.
And now, what it's like now is the good stuff.
That's honestly to me my favorite thing.
So I'm going to try to switch it up a little bit tonight and not spend so much time in what it was like.
Because I have a lot of stuff that I'd love to talk about that has happened since I got sober.
But my sobriety date is August 1st, 2014.
I grew up in Virginia.
And as I was growing up, I lived with my father and my stepmother.
From a very young age, I felt very unwanted.
I felt unloved.
I felt like I wasn't cared about.
I felt like I was just tolerated.
So that separate, different, and alone, I felt that from the very beginning of my life.
I had a stepbrother and a stepsister.
And I felt as if they were cared more for than myself.
Today I know that my parents did the absolute best that they can do.
And I hold absolutely no ill will towards them.
And I actually just got back today, an hour and a half ago, from the beach with them,
down in Florida.
But growing up, I felt this way.
I felt different.
Something was wrong with me.
I didn't fit in in my own family to begin with.
And there was just something not right.
And so that's kind of the foundation that I grew from.
And so being a child and feeling this way and growing up with these feelings,
I wanted something to change the way I felt.
No matter what it was.
So my whole life, I've chased anything and everything that will change that for me.
And for me, when I drink, bad things happen.
I have consequences.
Severe consequences.
I got sober at 22.
And honestly, I don't think that I could have gone much longer.
Because of just how reckless I was.
When I was in eighth grade, I got expelled from school.
Because of my disease.
I ended up having to go to a brand new school where I knew nobody.
So here I am, this new student, this new kid, right?
I feel separate, different, and alone since I was a child.
That's what I believe.
You know, that I'm not wanted.
I'm not liked.
Nobody's going to accept me for who I am.
So what do I do?
I drink.
That's how I fit in.
That's how I can exist in the world.
That's how I can get by.
That's how I can get through those emotions and those feelings that are just weighing me down.
So I'm in ninth grade, and I sneak out of the house one night with a friend.
I was with a bunch of other teenagers going around rural Virginia in these windy, hilly back roads.
We were going over the hills real fast so that we could get that butterfly feeling.
And one of the hills, it went up a little bit, it turned, and then it went down.
And the driver, he was 16.
And had been drinking.
And we had all been drinking.
He didn't notice that the hill turned.
And so he just kept going straight.
And at the top of that hill, we hit an SUV dead on.
I was in the middle back of an Acura RSX.
And on impact, I was ejected through the closed sunroof.
I landed in a small ditch on the side of the road, and the car finished flipping and landed
on top of me.
The firefighters came out, and they were ill-equipped to get me out.
So a special reactions team had to come out.
I was life-flighted to the nearest hospital.
I was taken to the ER.
I was taken to the ER.
I was taken to the ER.
I was taken to the ER.
I was taken to the ER.
I was taken to the ER.
I was taken to the ER.
I was taken to the hospital, where I was placed into a medically-induced coma.
I lost the total volume of my blood.
I broke my shoulder.
I broke my pelvis.
I had a brain injury, a spinal injury.
I tore off the complete left side of my face.
And every internal organ I had was completely smashed.
Due to my age and a number of other factors, I was able to recover fairly easily.
And I was released from the hospital after 21 days wheelchair-bound and in a sling for
my arm.
And that was one of my first experiences with drinking.
Right?
But why would I investigate?
I'm having these consequences, right?
And obviously, it was an accident.
Nobody meant to cause that.
But that's just—that's how it was.
Right?
In 10th grade, I snuck out once again, and I found myself in a situation at a party where
I was locked in a bedroom with two boys who tried to take advantage of me.
I went forward and pressed charges.
And the entire school, for the most part, took their side.
They were seniors.
they were popular, they were baseball players. And so growing up, I had this feeling, right,
I'm separate, different, and alone. Nobody likes me, nobody wants me, nobody cares about me.
And now I have these students telling me all of those things, right? They're telling me I'm no
good, I'm a liar, you know, I'm not wanted, I'm not liked, all of these things. And so it's just
reconfirming everything I already feel. So when I turned 18, I left Virginia. I said, I've got to
get out of there. I hate everyone there. I hate all of my memories. All these bad things keep
happening. And I just want to start over. So I moved to Atlanta. And down here, now I'm
unsupervised. Now I have no parents, and I can really do what I want to do. And that's exactly
what I did. I enrolled in college, tried to do that, flunked out. When I was 20, I got pulled
over for a DUI. The whole time, I'm telling the cop, please let me go, please let me go. Like,
I'll never drink and drive again. And I meant it. With everything in my being, I meant,
that if he let me go, I would never drink and get behind the wheel again. He let me go. He let me
call Safe Ride to pick me and my car up off the side of the road and drive me home. Here's about
a 20-minute drive. I get home. Safe Ride drops me off. They drop my car off, and they leave. As soon
as I see them leave my neighborhood, I get back in my car, and I go to drink some more. Because for
me, when I start drinking, I can't stop. No consequences are going to stop me, right? 20
minutes before a DUI that I got out of, which never happens, blew and everything. But all of
that memory of what had just happened, and everything I had said, I'll never drink and
drive again, gone. Because I had to keep drinking. I could not stop. When I was 21, I got fired from
a job because I got drunk at the job. You know, I was a bartender, perfect job for an alcoholic.
And I got too drunk, and I started yelling at customers. So the manager pulled me from behind
the bar, and I was like, I'm going to drink. I'm going to drink. I'm going to drink. I'm going to
go home. That night, I hit a car in a parking lot at a gas station. And the whole time, again,
I'm sitting here blaming this guy who's parked. You know, what are you doing in my way? I'm trying
to leave. I'm trying to go somewhere. Like, you need to move. And I just have no idea that
I'm causing all of this. All of the wreckage that's going on in my life, I have no clue that
that it's of my own doing. And all I keep doing is I could just keep drinking to solve this.
Right? I don't know what's going on. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why
my life is falling apart. So what am I going to do? I'm going to drink, and I'm going to
cover it up. So at that point, I lost that job. I flunked out of school. I couldn't keep
a relationship. I terrorized men. Anyone that gave me attention for more than a day, I just
sunk my teeth into and just terrorized them. I didn't have friends left because nobody wanted
to be around me. I wasn't fun anymore. I was miserable. I was slowly killing myself. I got
down at one point to 96 pounds. It was just a really, really bad place. And again, I was 21 at
this time. I didn't have a very long drinking career, but I went in and I tore it up. So here
I am. I'm in this horrible place. I get fired from this job, and my life's going nowhere, and I have
nothing to show for anything.
I'm just in a really dark place. So what ends up happening is I have this friend, the one friend I
have at the time, and she says, I've got this guy I want you to date. I think you guys would be
great. So we start dating. He's in recovery, and so he's dating me, and about three months in,
he's like, all right, this has been fun. I think you've got a problem. You don't have to quit
drinking, but I don't want to be with you if you're not going to be with me. So I'm like,
keep going on the way you are. And at that point, I had given up my townhouse that I had for this
guy that I was head over heels in love with. Given up my townhouse. I had, again, flunked out of
college. I had moved from Kennesaw out to Gwinnett, and I felt very stuck. I am a very one-track
mind kind of person, and so I didn't see any way out of this situation. I thought that,
well, crap, I've got to quit drinking because I have no other option. And I'm really grateful that
I felt that way because had I not felt stuck and had I felt or thought that there was another
option, I don't think I would be here today. So this was in February, and I decided that
I was going to quit. I wasn't going to do AA. I wasn't going to do recovery. I wasn't going to
do anything. I was just going to quit. I was going to quit. I was going to quit. I was going to do
nothing and not drink. And from February to August, I drank three more times. And then come
August, I just stopped, and only God knows why I was able to stay stopped. That first year of my
sobriety, I did absolutely nothing. I went to a couple speaker meetings here and there,
but I did nothing else. And I got worse. For so long, the way that I handled life
was through drinking.
Right? Like if there was ever a problem, I solved it with drinking. I didn't know how to do life
without a drink. So for that first year, here I am stuck with what the real problem is, me,
without any solution, my alcohol, right? I got absolutely worse. It got to a point where I
remember having a conversation with the man I was drinking with. And he was like,
and we're engaged now. Having a conversation with him thinking, I just need to go to the
doctor and be put on medication because I'm convinced there's something chemically wrong
in my brain. And if I can just take a little pill to fix that, then everything will be okay.
And that's always what my thoughts were. If I can just find some kind of external solution
for this internal problem, then everything will be okay. So here I am, I'm a year in and I'm an
absolute joy to be around. I'm the person that follows you around screaming until three o'clock
in the morning because I just, I can't, I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what
to do with my thoughts. I don't know what to do with my feelings. And my shoulders are always up
to my ears and I'm always tense and I'm always angry and I'm just miserable. And I even remember
thinking at one point, if this is what sobriety is, I want nothing to do with it. Because at the
time, that's what I was doing. I was just, I was just, I was just, I was just, I was just, I was just,
I genuinely thought that my problem was drinking and I couldn't figure out for the life of me why
when I stopped drinking, my life didn't get better. So I'm about a year in and I'd gone to a couple
meetings here and there and I made one friend. For so long, I had always gone to like his recovery
group, his meetings with his friends and I always clung on to him, right? I needed someone to be
there and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,
and hold my hand through it, right? I was filled with fear. So I made one friend and I remember
I'm sitting outside of a Chipotle with her one night. And again, this is another one of those
moments. It wasn't me saying this. It just came out of my mouth. I told her, if he leaves me,
I will be drinking tomorrow. And I don't want that to be an option anymore. It was at that moment
that I finally made the decision to try the program, right? I'd been to enough meetings to
kind of get the basic gist. Um, and I was going to give it a shot. So I get a sponsor. I start
working the steps. I do one, two, and three, maybe started four. Um, and I had a bad two weeks. Um,
and I thought, you know what? I gave it my best shot. I did everything I could. You know,
I really, really tried this thing. It's not working. I'm going to go drink. And I got in
my car and I went to drive to a place in Buford that I like to go drink at. And somewhere along
the way on that drive, again, this isn't me. The thought comes to my mind, just go to Serenity
House and get a schedule. I'd been there once, maybe twice, but not really. So I get to Buford
and instead of going right to go drink, I go left. I pull into Serenity House. It's a Sunday
or Monday. I don't know which day. And I walk in and there's two women in there. And I said,
I'm just here for a schedule for meetings and all that. Um,
and they say, oh, well, we've got a women's meeting tonight. You should come back.
And I thought, okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, maybe. And I leave. And as I'm leaving,
I thought, okay, I'm going to try this again. Right? Like something inside of me was just saying,
just try this place. And so I went back to that women's meeting and I can say with absolute
certainty, it was at that very moment that my life completely changed. And I think today,
part of that is that up until that point, I wasn't doing it for myself. Right? I wasn't
really doing and going to any length to stay sober. Up until that point, I'd always needed
someone else to hold my hand and to walk me through things. And I'm not meaning in like a
recovery sense, but in a codependent way. Um, I never wanted to just step out on my own and
really give this a shot. But at that moment, when I turned left on Buford instead of right,
I finally think that I fully surrendered. And I went back to that women's meeting and I couldn't
tell you anything that they said. I probably shared. Um, and all I know is when I left that
meeting, the feeling that I had, and I just had this sense of just ease and like everything was
going to be okay. And so,
at that point, I switched sponsors. Um, and I started going up there by myself. Um, I took my
recovery into my own hands at that point. And I decided at that very moment that nothing was going
to come in my way and I was going to give it an honest shot. I'm working the steps and the whole
God thing, right? Like I believed, but not really. Um, I grew up in a religion. Um, but it never
really, I don't know.
I just, I don't know what I thought, honestly. I had no opinion, but I thought that you guys,
I don't know. We're all tricked. We're all fooled. Um, that somewhere along the way,
you guys maybe thought that you were really happy and that this whole thing was working
and this God thing. Um, so I was open to it, you know, but I didn't really believe in it.
And then I had a situation where, um, I had my car broken into
and, oh, I didn't believe in it. I didn't believe in it. I didn't believe in it. I didn't believe in it.
My weapon was stolen out of it. And I tell you, the feeling that overcame me when I found out
that I potentially could have just supplied someone with something that could kill another
human being, the feeling that overcame me was just like at the end of that first year. Um,
I thought that the world was ending. I'm, I'm a very, very dramatic person. Um, and I, I, I just
thought that,
the worst thing in the world had just happened. Um, but at this point, I had been in the program
long enough to know that there are certain actions you can take. And so at that moment,
I'm freaking out. I'm in a horrible headspace. And so I drive to my meeting. Um, and as I'm there,
I'm just talking to somebody and he says, why don't you try saying the serenity prayer?
And I'm like, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. I'll try it. So I get home that night and again,
like I'm super dramatic and I'm like sobbing.
And like it's not coming out of my nose and just the whole thing. And I'm just overcome with guilt
and shame and remorse and like all these horrible feelings. And I decided to try praying. Um, I hit
my knees and I stayed down there for probably a good hour. And I said this serenity prayer with
every ounce of feeling within me. I said it slow. I savored every word. And I mean, I laid it all
out there and I begged God again. I'm so dramatic.
Um, begged God to take this feeling from me. But I mean, at the time, like that's,
that's how it felt. I mean, I felt like I was drowning. Um, and I tell you what,
I woke up the next morning and all of those feelings were gone. And I can say that it
doesn't always happen like that. Actually, it doesn't ever really happen like that.
But at that moment, I finally had a sense of relief and an understanding of what it was that
you guys experienced. And I'm like, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this.
Um, and at that moment, that's when I knew there was something to this. And it was at that moment
that I knew that my higher power was going to be able to get me through anything. Um,
it was a really, really powerful experience. Um, again, it doesn't always happen like that.
You know, um, there's times that I pray about things and I don't get answers,
or at least I don't get answers. I don't get answers. I don't get answers. I don't get answers.
I don't realize that I'm getting answers, you know? Um, but at the time, I mean,
I think that's what I needed to really fully get a hold of this thing. Um, another really kind of
big moment for me was, um, you know, we do four and five and we look at, you know,
our resentments and everything. And we look at our, our part in it. And, you know,
I had mentioned growing up, I felt some type of way about my, my father and my stepmother.
And the way that I thought I should be treated. Um, and as I'm doing my inventory, um, you know,
my, my sponsor at the time is pointing things out to me. And I just, I don't want to hear it,
you know? Um, so then I get to eight and nine and she suggests that I make an amends to them.
And I said, absolutely not. I did nothing to them. I deserve, you know, an amends from them.
And I, I owe them nothing. You know, I was an innocent child and I, I did nothing wrong, right?
Um, and she said, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
And she said, okay, I want you to just be willing to be willing to make an amends.
And I said, okay, fine. Um, every now and then I'd pray about it, right? Um, if I saw something
on Facebook, right, that irritated me, I'd all of a sudden pray like, God, please remove this,
you know? Um, and it took me about three years into the program before I kind of had what I
needed. Um, I remember I was at a speaker meeting and,
she was sharing about something that was completely unrelated. Uh, it was a completely
different situation. Um, but what she shared about making an amends really hit me. And it was
at that moment, it was almost like that, you know, the lights came on, you know, God opened my eyes
and I saw my part in, in everything with them. And at that moment, I knew exactly what I needed
to do, you know? Um, and I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,
I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,
I drove to Virginia and I went and I made amends to my father and my stepmother. And when I tell
you, I walked into that with so much hurt, so much anger, so much resentment, um, hatred. I mean,
I, I hated these people, right? And I walked into that with all of these feelings and I
made my amends. And it was a very simple amends. It wasn't overly emotional. Um, very
straightforward to the point. Um, didn't get into depth with a lot of stuff. When I
walked away from that, I was freed of 25 years of hurt, of pain, right? And for me, I went
my first three years in recovery, carrying that around because I, I mean, I wasn't ready and it
takes what it takes for us, but I walked around with that pain and that hurt and that anger.
And then to walk in there and to make that amends and to be freed of that and to no longer have
that resentment. And all I had to do was keep it to my side and make that amends. It was hands down
the most amazing experience I've had so far in sobriety. When I, when I left Virginia, after I
made my amends, my stepmother, she sent me a text message and it said something to the effect of,
thank you so much for what you said. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like I didn't love you
because I did. I can't even describe the emotions that came over me. And since then,
I have not had any feelings of anger or resentment
or anything towards them. And like I said, I mean, this was 25 years of
hatred. Um, and I, I honestly today believe that they did the best that they could.
And I honestly believe that they love me and that they care about me and that I'm wanted.
You know, like I said earlier, I just got back from spending the weekend in Florida with them
and we had an amazing time, you know, and that's,
only through the gift of this program, right? That is only through working the steps and being
willing to be willing, you know, and turning things over to my higher power and just letting
him change me, right? For so long, I thought it was everything else and everyone else that was
the problem, you know, when all along it's, it's within me.
I'm looking for these external solutions to an internal problem, you know, the spiritual
malady. That's, that's what, that's what I've learned so far. Um, I've had a lot of really
incredible experiences in this program and I've learned a lot of things. And, um, you know,
with, in regards to, you know, my father and my stepmother, I had the experience I had growing
up and it wasn't the worst and it wasn't the best. And I know that now. Um, but the,
the cool thing about it is I get to look at that, the whole dynamic and the whole situation
and I get to learn from it and grow from it today. Um, I've got a stepdaughter now and
she, I've been in her life since she was two. She's almost nine. Um, and she doesn't have
to go through the things I went through, you know, and had I not had the experiences I
had and, and felt the way I felt as a child, I don't think that I would be able to be half
the step parent that I am today, you know?
Um, and I honestly, I don't think I would be able to be half the step parent that I
am today, you know? And I honestly, I don't think I would be able to be half the step parent
that I am today, you know? And I honestly believe that, you know, God has a reason for
everything, you know? And if I just stay open-minded, you know, he reveals things to me that are,
that are pretty cool. For so long, all I've ever wanted is to feel wanted and to feel
like I belonged and to feel important. Um, and I found that in this, in these rooms.
Um, I have awesome friends. I've got an awesome fellowship and it's funny because, um, one
of my friends got married last year. And I found out that I was going to be a stepmother
last year. My fiance and I, we don't do weddings. We're, we're, we don't, we don't like weddings
at all. Um, but I told him, I said, okay, with this wedding, you have to be there with
me because it's my best friend's wedding. And he said back to me, he said, Amnesty,
you can't say that because you call everyone your best friend. Like you can't just say,
oh, it's my best friend's wedding. You have to go because you call everyone your best
friend. Um, and we kind of went back and forth and later I was thinking about it and I realized
that I didn't want to be a stepmother. I didn't want to be a stepmother. I didn't want to
do that because I'm just so grateful to have these people in my life. You know, it's something
totally different to have women for me, um, women that lift you up and that pray for you
and that pray with you and that are trying to better themselves and that are there to
help you no matter what it is you go through. I mean, my, my girls have walked through some
stuff with me.
You know, and I just think it's such a beautiful thing to be able to have that. Um, and it's
only because of this program, you know, um, it, it really is just an incredible experience.
I've gotten to do a lot of really cool things in sobriety so far. Um, I, when I moved here
first, I moved here when I was 18, I'd always wanted to go to the University of Georgia.
Um, but again, I, I flunked out of college, you know, after two years.
And I applied to Georgia three times. Um, and finally on the third time I got accepted
in last year. I was finally able to graduate. Um, you know, it took me seven years to get
that degree, but that's okay. Um, and again, it's only because of this program. And the
cool thing is it opens up doors and it opens up, um, different opportunities that you wouldn't
even know about, right?
Speaker 1 So I went to Georgia and they had this awesome thing, um, the Collegiate College
of Justice. You know, I had a degree in law, I went to the College of Justice. And they,
um, I had a degree in law, and I had a degree in law and they had a degree in law and I had
a degree in law and I had a degree in law and I had a degree in law and I had a degree in law and I had
recovery community and it's a whole recovery community within the university um and so I'm
going out to school right and here I am surrounded by all these college kids first of all they're
you know way younger to begin not way younger but they're younger than me um and they're all
partying and it's in Athens and party city um but I have this community there now that supports
students in recovery um and so I got to go through my college experience doing things with them
right we got to do all sorts of excursions and we went on a retreat and we had weekly meetings and
um it's just really cool how wide this thing really goes you know I randomly got my real
estate license I hate doing real estate so don't ask me to help um but but I did that you know
just because
um I honestly believe that as long as I stay sober I can do anything right anything I want to do
as long as I stay sober I'll get there it might take me seven years right to get that degree
um but I'll get there you know because of this program um I go to Vegas a couple times a year
I love Vegas it's my favorite place in the world um and there's alcohol everywhere but I'm no longer
enslaved to it you know I can be free I can walk around I can
you know exist amongst everyone else in the world without needing to drink you know I've I've been to
bachelorette parties I've been to weddings not my favorite um been to weddings I've been to baby
showers I've anything and everything that a normal person can do I have done it's only because I
continue to do the things that I've been taught to do in the beginning right I'm praying I'm
working with my sponsor I don't just do things that I want to do I'm doing things that I want to do
the steps one time and then I'm cured and I'm done like that's not how this works for me um I'm
working the steps with my sponsor I'm when needed I seek outside help that's a new thing for me this
year um I've gone to some of our different uh or not AA some of our different um the different 12
step programs um I communicate with my fellowship um I'm constantly trying to uh connect and grow
my spiritual self and I'm trying to connect with my spiritual self and I'm trying to connect with
I'm working on the meditation thing I'll get it one day I truly believe that um I sponsor other
women I answer the phone when somebody calls right if somebody's calling and I don't feel
like answering it I do I share my story when I'm asked to do that and I just try to the best of my
ability for today to do everything that I can do for my recovery because the life that I have today
is just incredible you could have asked me to do everything that I can do for my recovery
five years ago six years ago what I wanted out of life and what I would like to happen
and I would have never said anything resembling what I have today um because I honestly thought
at the end there that the feelings that I have inside the peace the calmness um the ability to
pause I honestly did not think I would ever be able to achieve that right I had accepted
the fact that I was just going to be crazy you know that's just who I was I was just a crazy
person that's going to scream at you until three o'clock in the morning that's just that was just
me um so to be able to experience life with serenity and and peace and not be driven by my
emotions is a gift that I never knew I wanted
to have that calm mind to be able to be present in life I never would have pictured this I didn't
know it was an option I didn't realize that all along the problem was within me but the good news
with that was that since I was the problem there was a solution and I found so far that as long as
I continue to do the things that I've been taught I'm going to be able to do the things that I've
been taught and as long as I continue to show up and I put my recovery first I can have
the most incredible life I always run out of time I've learned how to be a friend I've learned how
to be a daughter right that was that was something that came up is amnesty if you want your father to
be a father you need to be a daughter you know like didn't didn't really want to have to
look at what I was doing right I just wanted to put it all on on him um I've learned how to be a
stepmom I learned how to be a student now I've learned how to be a worker um all of these things
I've learned in this program and it's only because I finally that first day or that one day that I
turn left and I made that decision to do something for myself and fully surrender
to God and to God and to God and to God and to God and to God and to God and to God and to God
and to whatever was going to happen it was at that moment that everything changed for me
that's why I'm able to do the things that I'm able to do in life today and that's the only reason
is because I continually give it to God I'm out of control this is not mine and I turn it over
so it's uh it's been quite a journey and uh hopefully I get to do it for myself
for some more years so thank you for having me yeah thank you amnesty you didn't run out of time
you filled up your time it was a beautiful story I see Kelly is over there just clapping and smiling
and uh you got a lot of love here um Tinsley's clapping oh yeah AJW is clapping
Susan that's great thank you so much for being here and I'll see you next time
first I slept and then I crept
to a hope-filled dream
you rescued me and finally
waking there I see
I look into love's window
for a soul that's meant for me
takes me where the promises
are real
sometimes quickly
sometimes slow
we meet again
then I get just what we need
on a broad highway
stride
for stride
we walk
eternally
I look into
love's window
for a high
that beats for me
I look into
love's window
so I'll wait for you
love's window
and I'll pay for you
and I'll pay for your love
and I'll pay for you
Takes me where the promises are in
And I always longed
For something that set me free
And I'd arrive
To a world in harmony
This dream of a handsome vision
That one day would appear to me
And I'd arrive
Take me where the promises are in
Take me where the promises are in
Are in
Are in
Are in
Where the promises are in
My name's Tim, and I'm an alcoholic.
Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers Meeting on NavaZoom, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous for one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story.
This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view,
the way they establish their relationship with God.
These give a fair cross-section of our membership and a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives.
We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts of bad taste.
Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women on Zoom tonight and listening later on aabluechipspeakers.org,
desperately in need, will hear our speakers.
And we believe it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say,
yes, I'm one of them two, I must have this thing, and Kelly is going to do the honors.
Hey guys, I'm Kelly, I'm an alcoholic.
You guys are in for a treat. I really admire Amnesty. It's been a joy to work with her.
She is so, so dedicated to her program and to having me.
She has a healthy life, which is really cool.
I've had the opportunity to watch her really establish the principles of this program and all her affairs
and have it spread into everything she does and everything that touches in her life has been able to be influenced by this program.
She is just a very strong and courageous woman.
Like most of us, she doesn't always want to do what God is asking,
but she, you know, pulls up her bootstraps and gets her waders on,
because when it gets deep, she keeps charging that road to happy destiny.
With that, I give you Amnesty.
I'm Amnesty, and I'm an alcoholic.
I first want to say thank you to Kelly and to Tim for having me tonight.
And Kelly, I'm staring right at you. You're on the big screen, so I'm talking right to you.
I wanted to thank them for having me speak tonight.
It's funny that Kelly actually said what she said, because a few weeks ago we were doing virtual step work,
and I admitted to her that I hadn't done Zoom meetings yet,
because I was really resistant to it, and I'm not a fan of change.
I don't know if anyone can relate, but when everything happened and everything shifted to online,
I didn't want to do it. I was really resistant.
And I told Kelly about it, and she said, just do it. Just get on it.
Just do the Zoom meeting, and so I did.
And the first Zoom meeting I did was hearing Kelly speak.
And then as soon as that meeting ended, Kelly texted me and said,
would you be interested in telling your story?
And so, of course, I thought, like, oh, go figure.
The first time that I joined a Zoom meeting, now I've got to be of service doing not my most favorite thing ever.
And so when she texted me that, I said, am I interested? No. Will I? Yes.
And it's funny, because my higher power, he has perfect timing for everything.
And like I said, this isn't my most favorite form of service, but I do it, right?
And at the beginning of this year, I started doing some deeper work,
and I started to work on areas of my life that I hadn't really looked at yet,
and I tried to make some changes.
So I've been going through a lot this year in regards to that.
And last night, everything kind of came to a head with it and exploded.
And I got all in myself, and I got in my head, and it was all about me, right?
Poor, pitiful me. Why is this happening to me?
And what I've learned in this program is that when I'm consumed with myself,
the best way to get out of that is to be of service.
And lo and behold, today just so happens to be the day that, you know, Tim had asked me to share my story.
And so I was thinking about that, and I was thinking about just how the timing always works out, right?
I didn't want to do the Zoom meetings. I finally got on.
I didn't want to share my story, and then look. Look what happened.
So.
I'm really actually excited to be here and to be sharing my story tonight.
I'm actually not that nervous.
Being online and staring right at my sponsor is not too bad versus in person.
So I'm feeling okay.
Any time I tell my story, I like to kind of think back to the last time I told my story.
And I like to think about where I was and what I've gone through since then.
And because for me,
my program is constantly evolving.
At least I try to keep it that way, right?
I'm always trying to stay in the middle of it and do what I can do to continue growing.
And so I really like to look back and kind of take a little bit of time to reflect.
And what I've noticed is I tend to get stuck on what it was like.
And now, what it's like now is the good stuff.
That's honestly to me my favorite thing.
So I'm going to try to switch it up a little bit tonight and not spend so much time in what it was like.
Because I have a lot of stuff that I'd love to talk about that has happened since I got sober.
But my sobriety date is August 1st, 2014.
I grew up in Virginia.
And as I was growing up, I lived with my father and my stepmother.
From a very young age, I felt very unwanted.
I felt unloved.
I felt like I wasn't cared about.
I felt like I was just tolerated.
So that separate, different, and alone, I felt that from the very beginning of my life.
I had a stepbrother and a stepsister.
And I felt as if they were cared more for than myself.
Today I know that my parents did the absolute best that they can do.
And I hold absolutely no ill will towards them.
And I actually just got back today, an hour and a half ago, from the beach with them,
down in Florida.
But growing up, I felt this way.
I felt different.
Something was wrong with me.
I didn't fit in in my own family to begin with.
And there was just something not right.
And so that's kind of the foundation that I grew from.
And so being a child and feeling this way and growing up with these feelings,
I wanted something to change the way I felt.
No matter what it was.
So my whole life, I've chased anything and everything that will change that for me.
And for me, when I drink, bad things happen.
I have consequences.
Severe consequences.
I got sober at 22.
And honestly, I don't think that I could have gone much longer.
Because of just how reckless I was.
When I was in eighth grade, I got expelled from school.
Because of my disease.
I ended up having to go to a brand new school where I knew nobody.
So here I am, this new student, this new kid, right?
I feel separate, different, and alone since I was a child.
That's what I believe.
You know, that I'm not wanted.
I'm not liked.
Nobody's going to accept me for who I am.
So what do I do?
I drink.
That's how I fit in.
That's how I can exist in the world.
That's how I can get by.
That's how I can get through those emotions and those feelings that are just weighing me down.
So I'm in ninth grade, and I sneak out of the house one night with a friend.
I was with a bunch of other teenagers going around rural Virginia in these windy, hilly back roads.
We were going over the hills real fast so that we could get that butterfly feeling.
And one of the hills, it went up a little bit, it turned, and then it went down.
And the driver, he was 16.
And had been drinking.
And we had all been drinking.
He didn't notice that the hill turned.
And so he just kept going straight.
And at the top of that hill, we hit an SUV dead on.
I was in the middle back of an Acura RSX.
And on impact, I was ejected through the closed sunroof.
I landed in a small ditch on the side of the road, and the car finished flipping and landed
on top of me.
The firefighters came out, and they were ill-equipped to get me out.
So a special reactions team had to come out.
I was life-flighted to the nearest hospital.
I was taken to the ER.
I was taken to the ER.
I was taken to the ER.
I was taken to the ER.
I was taken to the ER.
I was taken to the ER.
I was taken to the ER.
I was taken to the hospital, where I was placed into a medically-induced coma.
I lost the total volume of my blood.
I broke my shoulder.
I broke my pelvis.
I had a brain injury, a spinal injury.
I tore off the complete left side of my face.
And every internal organ I had was completely smashed.
Due to my age and a number of other factors, I was able to recover fairly easily.
And I was released from the hospital after 21 days wheelchair-bound and in a sling for
my arm.
And that was one of my first experiences with drinking.
Right?
But why would I investigate?
I'm having these consequences, right?
And obviously, it was an accident.
Nobody meant to cause that.
But that's just—that's how it was.
Right?
In 10th grade, I snuck out once again, and I found myself in a situation at a party where
I was locked in a bedroom with two boys who tried to take advantage of me.
I went forward and pressed charges.
And the entire school, for the most part, took their side.
They were seniors.
they were popular, they were baseball players. And so growing up, I had this feeling, right,
I'm separate, different, and alone. Nobody likes me, nobody wants me, nobody cares about me.
And now I have these students telling me all of those things, right? They're telling me I'm no
good, I'm a liar, you know, I'm not wanted, I'm not liked, all of these things. And so it's just
reconfirming everything I already feel. So when I turned 18, I left Virginia. I said, I've got to
get out of there. I hate everyone there. I hate all of my memories. All these bad things keep
happening. And I just want to start over. So I moved to Atlanta. And down here, now I'm
unsupervised. Now I have no parents, and I can really do what I want to do. And that's exactly
what I did. I enrolled in college, tried to do that, flunked out. When I was 20, I got pulled
over for a DUI. The whole time, I'm telling the cop, please let me go, please let me go. Like,
I'll never drink and drive again. And I meant it. With everything in my being, I meant,
that if he let me go, I would never drink and get behind the wheel again. He let me go. He let me
call Safe Ride to pick me and my car up off the side of the road and drive me home. Here's about
a 20-minute drive. I get home. Safe Ride drops me off. They drop my car off, and they leave. As soon
as I see them leave my neighborhood, I get back in my car, and I go to drink some more. Because for
me, when I start drinking, I can't stop. No consequences are going to stop me, right? 20
minutes before a DUI that I got out of, which never happens, blew and everything. But all of
that memory of what had just happened, and everything I had said, I'll never drink and
drive again, gone. Because I had to keep drinking. I could not stop. When I was 21, I got fired from
a job because I got drunk at the job. You know, I was a bartender, perfect job for an alcoholic.
And I got too drunk, and I started yelling at customers. So the manager pulled me from behind
the bar, and I was like, I'm going to drink. I'm going to drink. I'm going to drink. I'm going to
go home. That night, I hit a car in a parking lot at a gas station. And the whole time, again,
I'm sitting here blaming this guy who's parked. You know, what are you doing in my way? I'm trying
to leave. I'm trying to go somewhere. Like, you need to move. And I just have no idea that
I'm causing all of this. All of the wreckage that's going on in my life, I have no clue that
that it's of my own doing. And all I keep doing is I could just keep drinking to solve this.
Right? I don't know what's going on. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why
my life is falling apart. So what am I going to do? I'm going to drink, and I'm going to
cover it up. So at that point, I lost that job. I flunked out of school. I couldn't keep
a relationship. I terrorized men. Anyone that gave me attention for more than a day, I just
sunk my teeth into and just terrorized them. I didn't have friends left because nobody wanted
to be around me. I wasn't fun anymore. I was miserable. I was slowly killing myself. I got
down at one point to 96 pounds. It was just a really, really bad place. And again, I was 21 at
this time. I didn't have a very long drinking career, but I went in and I tore it up. So here
I am. I'm in this horrible place. I get fired from this job, and my life's going nowhere, and I have
nothing to show for anything.
I'm just in a really dark place. So what ends up happening is I have this friend, the one friend I
have at the time, and she says, I've got this guy I want you to date. I think you guys would be
great. So we start dating. He's in recovery, and so he's dating me, and about three months in,
he's like, all right, this has been fun. I think you've got a problem. You don't have to quit
drinking, but I don't want to be with you if you're not going to be with me. So I'm like,
keep going on the way you are. And at that point, I had given up my townhouse that I had for this
guy that I was head over heels in love with. Given up my townhouse. I had, again, flunked out of
college. I had moved from Kennesaw out to Gwinnett, and I felt very stuck. I am a very one-track
mind kind of person, and so I didn't see any way out of this situation. I thought that,
well, crap, I've got to quit drinking because I have no other option. And I'm really grateful that
I felt that way because had I not felt stuck and had I felt or thought that there was another
option, I don't think I would be here today. So this was in February, and I decided that
I was going to quit. I wasn't going to do AA. I wasn't going to do recovery. I wasn't going to
do anything. I was just going to quit. I was going to quit. I was going to quit. I was going to do
nothing and not drink. And from February to August, I drank three more times. And then come
August, I just stopped, and only God knows why I was able to stay stopped. That first year of my
sobriety, I did absolutely nothing. I went to a couple speaker meetings here and there,
but I did nothing else. And I got worse. For so long, the way that I handled life
was through drinking.
Right? Like if there was ever a problem, I solved it with drinking. I didn't know how to do life
without a drink. So for that first year, here I am stuck with what the real problem is, me,
without any solution, my alcohol, right? I got absolutely worse. It got to a point where I
remember having a conversation with the man I was drinking with. And he was like,
and we're engaged now. Having a conversation with him thinking, I just need to go to the
doctor and be put on medication because I'm convinced there's something chemically wrong
in my brain. And if I can just take a little pill to fix that, then everything will be okay.
And that's always what my thoughts were. If I can just find some kind of external solution
for this internal problem, then everything will be okay. So here I am, I'm a year in and I'm an
absolute joy to be around. I'm the person that follows you around screaming until three o'clock
in the morning because I just, I can't, I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what
to do with my thoughts. I don't know what to do with my feelings. And my shoulders are always up
to my ears and I'm always tense and I'm always angry and I'm just miserable. And I even remember
thinking at one point, if this is what sobriety is, I want nothing to do with it. Because at the
time, that's what I was doing. I was just, I was just, I was just, I was just, I was just, I was just,
I genuinely thought that my problem was drinking and I couldn't figure out for the life of me why
when I stopped drinking, my life didn't get better. So I'm about a year in and I'd gone to a couple
meetings here and there and I made one friend. For so long, I had always gone to like his recovery
group, his meetings with his friends and I always clung on to him, right? I needed someone to be
there and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,
and hold my hand through it, right? I was filled with fear. So I made one friend and I remember
I'm sitting outside of a Chipotle with her one night. And again, this is another one of those
moments. It wasn't me saying this. It just came out of my mouth. I told her, if he leaves me,
I will be drinking tomorrow. And I don't want that to be an option anymore. It was at that moment
that I finally made the decision to try the program, right? I'd been to enough meetings to
kind of get the basic gist. Um, and I was going to give it a shot. So I get a sponsor. I start
working the steps. I do one, two, and three, maybe started four. Um, and I had a bad two weeks. Um,
and I thought, you know what? I gave it my best shot. I did everything I could. You know,
I really, really tried this thing. It's not working. I'm going to go drink. And I got in
my car and I went to drive to a place in Buford that I like to go drink at. And somewhere along
the way on that drive, again, this isn't me. The thought comes to my mind, just go to Serenity
House and get a schedule. I'd been there once, maybe twice, but not really. So I get to Buford
and instead of going right to go drink, I go left. I pull into Serenity House. It's a Sunday
or Monday. I don't know which day. And I walk in and there's two women in there. And I said,
I'm just here for a schedule for meetings and all that. Um,
and they say, oh, well, we've got a women's meeting tonight. You should come back.
And I thought, okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, maybe. And I leave. And as I'm leaving,
I thought, okay, I'm going to try this again. Right? Like something inside of me was just saying,
just try this place. And so I went back to that women's meeting and I can say with absolute
certainty, it was at that very moment that my life completely changed. And I think today,
part of that is that up until that point, I wasn't doing it for myself. Right? I wasn't
really doing and going to any length to stay sober. Up until that point, I'd always needed
someone else to hold my hand and to walk me through things. And I'm not meaning in like a
recovery sense, but in a codependent way. Um, I never wanted to just step out on my own and
really give this a shot. But at that moment, when I turned left on Buford instead of right,
I finally think that I fully surrendered. And I went back to that women's meeting and I couldn't
tell you anything that they said. I probably shared. Um, and all I know is when I left that
meeting, the feeling that I had, and I just had this sense of just ease and like everything was
going to be okay. And so,
at that point, I switched sponsors. Um, and I started going up there by myself. Um, I took my
recovery into my own hands at that point. And I decided at that very moment that nothing was going
to come in my way and I was going to give it an honest shot. I'm working the steps and the whole
God thing, right? Like I believed, but not really. Um, I grew up in a religion. Um, but it never
really, I don't know.
I just, I don't know what I thought, honestly. I had no opinion, but I thought that you guys,
I don't know. We're all tricked. We're all fooled. Um, that somewhere along the way,
you guys maybe thought that you were really happy and that this whole thing was working
and this God thing. Um, so I was open to it, you know, but I didn't really believe in it.
And then I had a situation where, um, I had my car broken into
and, oh, I didn't believe in it. I didn't believe in it. I didn't believe in it. I didn't believe in it.
My weapon was stolen out of it. And I tell you, the feeling that overcame me when I found out
that I potentially could have just supplied someone with something that could kill another
human being, the feeling that overcame me was just like at the end of that first year. Um,
I thought that the world was ending. I'm, I'm a very, very dramatic person. Um, and I, I, I just
thought that,
the worst thing in the world had just happened. Um, but at this point, I had been in the program
long enough to know that there are certain actions you can take. And so at that moment,
I'm freaking out. I'm in a horrible headspace. And so I drive to my meeting. Um, and as I'm there,
I'm just talking to somebody and he says, why don't you try saying the serenity prayer?
And I'm like, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. I'll try it. So I get home that night and again,
like I'm super dramatic and I'm like sobbing.
And like it's not coming out of my nose and just the whole thing. And I'm just overcome with guilt
and shame and remorse and like all these horrible feelings. And I decided to try praying. Um, I hit
my knees and I stayed down there for probably a good hour. And I said this serenity prayer with
every ounce of feeling within me. I said it slow. I savored every word. And I mean, I laid it all
out there and I begged God again. I'm so dramatic.
Um, begged God to take this feeling from me. But I mean, at the time, like that's,
that's how it felt. I mean, I felt like I was drowning. Um, and I tell you what,
I woke up the next morning and all of those feelings were gone. And I can say that it
doesn't always happen like that. Actually, it doesn't ever really happen like that.
But at that moment, I finally had a sense of relief and an understanding of what it was that
you guys experienced. And I'm like, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this.
Um, and at that moment, that's when I knew there was something to this. And it was at that moment
that I knew that my higher power was going to be able to get me through anything. Um,
it was a really, really powerful experience. Um, again, it doesn't always happen like that.
You know, um, there's times that I pray about things and I don't get answers,
or at least I don't get answers. I don't get answers. I don't get answers. I don't get answers.
I don't realize that I'm getting answers, you know? Um, but at the time, I mean,
I think that's what I needed to really fully get a hold of this thing. Um, another really kind of
big moment for me was, um, you know, we do four and five and we look at, you know,
our resentments and everything. And we look at our, our part in it. And, you know,
I had mentioned growing up, I felt some type of way about my, my father and my stepmother.
And the way that I thought I should be treated. Um, and as I'm doing my inventory, um, you know,
my, my sponsor at the time is pointing things out to me. And I just, I don't want to hear it,
you know? Um, so then I get to eight and nine and she suggests that I make an amends to them.
And I said, absolutely not. I did nothing to them. I deserve, you know, an amends from them.
And I, I owe them nothing. You know, I was an innocent child and I, I did nothing wrong, right?
Um, and she said, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
And she said, okay, I want you to just be willing to be willing to make an amends.
And I said, okay, fine. Um, every now and then I'd pray about it, right? Um, if I saw something
on Facebook, right, that irritated me, I'd all of a sudden pray like, God, please remove this,
you know? Um, and it took me about three years into the program before I kind of had what I
needed. Um, I remember I was at a speaker meeting and,
she was sharing about something that was completely unrelated. Uh, it was a completely
different situation. Um, but what she shared about making an amends really hit me. And it was
at that moment, it was almost like that, you know, the lights came on, you know, God opened my eyes
and I saw my part in, in everything with them. And at that moment, I knew exactly what I needed
to do, you know? Um, and I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,
I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,
I drove to Virginia and I went and I made amends to my father and my stepmother. And when I tell
you, I walked into that with so much hurt, so much anger, so much resentment, um, hatred. I mean,
I, I hated these people, right? And I walked into that with all of these feelings and I
made my amends. And it was a very simple amends. It wasn't overly emotional. Um, very
straightforward to the point. Um, didn't get into depth with a lot of stuff. When I
walked away from that, I was freed of 25 years of hurt, of pain, right? And for me, I went
my first three years in recovery, carrying that around because I, I mean, I wasn't ready and it
takes what it takes for us, but I walked around with that pain and that hurt and that anger.
And then to walk in there and to make that amends and to be freed of that and to no longer have
that resentment. And all I had to do was keep it to my side and make that amends. It was hands down
the most amazing experience I've had so far in sobriety. When I, when I left Virginia, after I
made my amends, my stepmother, she sent me a text message and it said something to the effect of,
thank you so much for what you said. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like I didn't love you
because I did. I can't even describe the emotions that came over me. And since then,
I have not had any feelings of anger or resentment
or anything towards them. And like I said, I mean, this was 25 years of
hatred. Um, and I, I honestly today believe that they did the best that they could.
And I honestly believe that they love me and that they care about me and that I'm wanted.
You know, like I said earlier, I just got back from spending the weekend in Florida with them
and we had an amazing time, you know, and that's,
only through the gift of this program, right? That is only through working the steps and being
willing to be willing, you know, and turning things over to my higher power and just letting
him change me, right? For so long, I thought it was everything else and everyone else that was
the problem, you know, when all along it's, it's within me.
I'm looking for these external solutions to an internal problem, you know, the spiritual
malady. That's, that's what, that's what I've learned so far. Um, I've had a lot of really
incredible experiences in this program and I've learned a lot of things. And, um, you know,
with, in regards to, you know, my father and my stepmother, I had the experience I had growing
up and it wasn't the worst and it wasn't the best. And I know that now. Um, but the,
the cool thing about it is I get to look at that, the whole dynamic and the whole situation
and I get to learn from it and grow from it today. Um, I've got a stepdaughter now and
she, I've been in her life since she was two. She's almost nine. Um, and she doesn't have
to go through the things I went through, you know, and had I not had the experiences I
had and, and felt the way I felt as a child, I don't think that I would be able to be half
the step parent that I am today, you know?
Um, and I honestly, I don't think I would be able to be half the step parent that I
am today, you know? And I honestly, I don't think I would be able to be half the step parent
that I am today, you know? And I honestly believe that, you know, God has a reason for
everything, you know? And if I just stay open-minded, you know, he reveals things to me that are,
that are pretty cool. For so long, all I've ever wanted is to feel wanted and to feel
like I belonged and to feel important. Um, and I found that in this, in these rooms.
Um, I have awesome friends. I've got an awesome fellowship and it's funny because, um, one
of my friends got married last year. And I found out that I was going to be a stepmother
last year. My fiance and I, we don't do weddings. We're, we're, we don't, we don't like weddings
at all. Um, but I told him, I said, okay, with this wedding, you have to be there with
me because it's my best friend's wedding. And he said back to me, he said, Amnesty,
you can't say that because you call everyone your best friend. Like you can't just say,
oh, it's my best friend's wedding. You have to go because you call everyone your best
friend. Um, and we kind of went back and forth and later I was thinking about it and I realized
that I didn't want to be a stepmother. I didn't want to be a stepmother. I didn't want to
do that because I'm just so grateful to have these people in my life. You know, it's something
totally different to have women for me, um, women that lift you up and that pray for you
and that pray with you and that are trying to better themselves and that are there to
help you no matter what it is you go through. I mean, my, my girls have walked through some
stuff with me.
You know, and I just think it's such a beautiful thing to be able to have that. Um, and it's
only because of this program, you know, um, it, it really is just an incredible experience.
I've gotten to do a lot of really cool things in sobriety so far. Um, I, when I moved here
first, I moved here when I was 18, I'd always wanted to go to the University of Georgia.
Um, but again, I, I flunked out of college, you know, after two years.
And I applied to Georgia three times. Um, and finally on the third time I got accepted
in last year. I was finally able to graduate. Um, you know, it took me seven years to get
that degree, but that's okay. Um, and again, it's only because of this program. And the
cool thing is it opens up doors and it opens up, um, different opportunities that you wouldn't
even know about, right?
Speaker 1 So I went to Georgia and they had this awesome thing, um, the Collegiate College
of Justice. You know, I had a degree in law, I went to the College of Justice. And they,
um, I had a degree in law, and I had a degree in law and they had a degree in law and I had
a degree in law and I had a degree in law and I had a degree in law and I had a degree in law and I had
recovery community and it's a whole recovery community within the university um and so I'm
going out to school right and here I am surrounded by all these college kids first of all they're
you know way younger to begin not way younger but they're younger than me um and they're all
partying and it's in Athens and party city um but I have this community there now that supports
students in recovery um and so I got to go through my college experience doing things with them
right we got to do all sorts of excursions and we went on a retreat and we had weekly meetings and
um it's just really cool how wide this thing really goes you know I randomly got my real
estate license I hate doing real estate so don't ask me to help um but but I did that you know
just because
um I honestly believe that as long as I stay sober I can do anything right anything I want to do
as long as I stay sober I'll get there it might take me seven years right to get that degree
um but I'll get there you know because of this program um I go to Vegas a couple times a year
I love Vegas it's my favorite place in the world um and there's alcohol everywhere but I'm no longer
enslaved to it you know I can be free I can walk around I can
you know exist amongst everyone else in the world without needing to drink you know I've I've been to
bachelorette parties I've been to weddings not my favorite um been to weddings I've been to baby
showers I've anything and everything that a normal person can do I have done it's only because I
continue to do the things that I've been taught to do in the beginning right I'm praying I'm
working with my sponsor I don't just do things that I want to do I'm doing things that I want to do
the steps one time and then I'm cured and I'm done like that's not how this works for me um I'm
working the steps with my sponsor I'm when needed I seek outside help that's a new thing for me this
year um I've gone to some of our different uh or not AA some of our different um the different 12
step programs um I communicate with my fellowship um I'm constantly trying to uh connect and grow
my spiritual self and I'm trying to connect with my spiritual self and I'm trying to connect with
I'm working on the meditation thing I'll get it one day I truly believe that um I sponsor other
women I answer the phone when somebody calls right if somebody's calling and I don't feel
like answering it I do I share my story when I'm asked to do that and I just try to the best of my
ability for today to do everything that I can do for my recovery because the life that I have today
is just incredible you could have asked me to do everything that I can do for my recovery
five years ago six years ago what I wanted out of life and what I would like to happen
and I would have never said anything resembling what I have today um because I honestly thought
at the end there that the feelings that I have inside the peace the calmness um the ability to
pause I honestly did not think I would ever be able to achieve that right I had accepted
the fact that I was just going to be crazy you know that's just who I was I was just a crazy
person that's going to scream at you until three o'clock in the morning that's just that was just
me um so to be able to experience life with serenity and and peace and not be driven by my
emotions is a gift that I never knew I wanted
to have that calm mind to be able to be present in life I never would have pictured this I didn't
know it was an option I didn't realize that all along the problem was within me but the good news
with that was that since I was the problem there was a solution and I found so far that as long as
I continue to do the things that I've been taught I'm going to be able to do the things that I've
been taught and as long as I continue to show up and I put my recovery first I can have
the most incredible life I always run out of time I've learned how to be a friend I've learned how
to be a daughter right that was that was something that came up is amnesty if you want your father to
be a father you need to be a daughter you know like didn't didn't really want to have to
look at what I was doing right I just wanted to put it all on on him um I've learned how to be a
stepmom I learned how to be a student now I've learned how to be a worker um all of these things
I've learned in this program and it's only because I finally that first day or that one day that I
turn left and I made that decision to do something for myself and fully surrender
to God and to God and to God and to God and to God and to God and to God and to God and to God
and to whatever was going to happen it was at that moment that everything changed for me
that's why I'm able to do the things that I'm able to do in life today and that's the only reason
is because I continually give it to God I'm out of control this is not mine and I turn it over
so it's uh it's been quite a journey and uh hopefully I get to do it for myself
for some more years so thank you for having me yeah thank you amnesty you didn't run out of time
you filled up your time it was a beautiful story I see Kelly is over there just clapping and smiling
and uh you got a lot of love here um Tinsley's clapping oh yeah AJW is clapping
Susan that's great thank you so much for being here and I'll see you next time
first I slept and then I crept
to a hope-filled dream
you rescued me and finally
waking there I see
I look into love's window
for a soul that's meant for me
takes me where the promises
are real
sometimes quickly
sometimes slow
we meet again
then I get just what we need
on a broad highway
stride
for stride
we walk
eternally
I look into
love's window
for a high
that beats for me
I look into
love's window
so I'll wait for you
love's window
and I'll pay for you
and I'll pay for your love
and I'll pay for you
Takes me where the promises are in
And I always longed
For something that set me free
And I'd arrive
To a world in harmony
This dream of a handsome vision
That one day would appear to me
And I'd arrive
Take me where the promises are in
Take me where the promises are in
Are in
Are in
Are in
Where the promises are in
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