All-American at Notre Dame and Still an Eleventh-String Alcoholic Inside My Own Head – Wes P.

My name is Troy and I'm an alcoholic. Let's have an A meeting. Happy Labor Day everybody. I hope you've had a wonderful weekend. The weather was turned out nice for us. And so it makes a good conclusion to your weekend to come down here for the Blue Chip Speaker Meeting. We've got a great speaker tonight and I'm sure you're going to enjoy it. This reading, the following reading, is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our personal story describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aabloochipspeakers.org desperately in need will hear our speaker. And we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, Yes, I am one of them too. I must have this thing. Tonight, our speaker is Wes. I've known him for some time. And I knew him early on when he was trying to come into these rooms. And he really struggled. He was in a lot of, his life was in a lot of turmoil. He personally was in a lot of agony. Mentally, emotionally, physically. And he struggled trying to stay in these rooms. But one day, he came back and I noticed a huge change. And he made, I think, a personal decision. That I am an alcoholic. I need help. I need this program. And I'm going to make a commitment to it. From that point on, his life really started changing. When he delved into this program the way he did. He got very active service work-wise. He was very active in the community. He was very active in the community. He was very active in the community. He was very active in the community. He was very active in the community. He was very active in the community. And devoted himself to the 530 meeting over at Triangle, And devoted himself to the 530 meeting over at Triangle, which, when I first had been there, was two or three people just drifting in the door. was two or three people just drifting in the door. It's now a very strong meeting, regularly with about 40 to 50 people, sometimes more than that, as a part of that meeting. And it really was because of his commitment and the dynamic way he approached the program that he attracted those people. It's a real treat to hear this man speak about his journey and where he's at today. And I'll introduce you to Wes. Troy said it very well. The end. Thank you. My name is Wes, and I am a real alcoholic. I'll have to adjust to standing up. I'm not used to doing that. So I'm sure I'll make do. It's funny. We were talking about it on the way in here. When I first started trying to get sober, I can remember coming in now, and it had to be one of my first two or three meetings. And I sat. I don't know if it was a speaker meeting or not, but I remember sitting in here and thinking, boy, I'm just not like these people. They are weird. I don't have anything in common with them. Anyway, as a speaker, I mean, I guess I've told my story a couple times. I really try not to focus on a drunk log. But some of my past, I think, might be relevant. So I told my story not too long ago, and somebody said, you didn't really talk about any of your athletics or any of the stuff that you did. And I think it might resonate with some folks. So I'm going to talk a little bit more about that, I think, this time, and hopefully we'll get you out of here, definitely get out of here on time. I grew up in Atlanta. I'm actually from here. I was born in Piedmont Hospital. My parents are Southern. I was from Georgia. I was a local kid that always loved sports. My dad played college football, and he was a very intense guy and was a depression baby and was a war vet. He was in the Korean War. He actually tried to enlist as a 17-year-old in World War II as a paratrooper, a different mentality than we have today. They wanted to fight. I think he was a product of his environment. His family was very strict Southern Baptists. My dad... Let's just say he strayed from that a little bit. He was sort of a wild man. Some of my... He coached me in all my Pop Warner leagues as in football. His nickname, his friends called him Santini. That'll give you sort of an idea of this is not a mellow man. But he was very loving and caring. Some way he would... He was able to be very intense, get his point across. His bark was worse than his bite. He never really... You know, like, He was very loving and caring. He was very loving and caring. He didn't hit my brother and I or anything like that. But he really... He scared the living crap out of me a lot. I can tell you that. But the good news is he really taught me, instilled in me, that if I worked hard and I wanted something bad enough that I could accomplish it, it didn't matter what it was. Whether it was athletics, business, anything in life. That, you know, really when the... You know, it's not... It's not what you prove when you're on top. It's what you prove when you're on... You know, when you're going through a hard time. That's when the real judge or test of character... Character is. So, anyway, I progressed in athletics and academics. I was, I don't know, I guess just good genes. It's not like I really worked that hard at it in the academics. But I always did pretty well. And I played football, basketball, baseball, swam, and played golf. I mean, I was always doing something. And as I went through high school, started... Let's see. I think I was in... Drinking age was 18. I was young for my grade. So, I think I was probably in ninth grade, 14 or 15 years old. And I walked into Pearson's, the old liquor store over there at West Basis Ferry in Peachtree. Walked out with a bottle of Bacardi. Nobody carded me. Nobody asked questions. And needless to say, my buddy and I took that back to his house. And I woke up the next morning with strawberries in my hair. Throw up on the side of the house. And I... I said, this is great. You know, something was probably wrong for me from day one. So, drinking, of course, was just like athletics and everything else. I ended up being a... Football sort of ended up being my go-to sport. I was... I just really liked hitting people. I was sort of mean and intense. And I was a bully. And I was good at it. And I liked to lift weights. I didn't like the whole thing. I liked to... So, when I went out, I had to drink more than everybody. I had to bong more than everybody. I mean, I was always... In hindsight, I think I was always an alcoholic. My father was an alcoholic. I just thought it was, you know, it was all ego. I could drink more. I could do more. In hindsight, I made an idiot of myself. I ended up getting a scholarship to play football at Notre Dame. And worked my way up there. When I first got there, I was 11th string at Notre Dame. I had a full year of being Rudy. I was on the scout squad. It was not fun. But, you know, I'll never forget my dad. He wanted me to go to Georgia. I ended up not going to Georgia. And I kept calling my mom. And she was calling me the first year. And she kept saying, Wesley, why don't you just come home? You don't need to be up there with all those Yankees. Come down here while I can take care of you. And she was totally serious. And my dad got on the phone one night and said, let me tell you something, boy. You made a decision. And by God, you're going to make it work. Get up there and quit feeling sorry for yourself and go to work. Click. It's like, well, I guess I kind of got myself in this position. I'm either going to work my way out of it or I'm not. So that was it. Literally, from that day forward, it's kind of like sobriety. And I'll get to that. I just said, I'm going to be the baddest mofo out here. I'm going to work harder. I'm going to run harder. I'm going to tackle harder. I'm going to, you know. Ended up starting for two years. I was All-American. We won. The national championship my senior year. I gave Ronald Reagan the Gipper sweater in the Rose Garden with Dan Quayle, Bush Sr. I've got a picture of me holding the Gipper sweater with Ronald Reagan, Dan Quayle, George Bush, Lou Holtz, and the president of Notre Dame. So not bad for a little skinny kid from Atlanta that was 11th string. So I had some success, you know, in athletics. Which that was already a lot more than I ever dreamed I would accomplish. Got drafted. But, you know, here's an interesting story. So we win the national championship. Now everybody knows about the combine. I didn't know about it at the time. I thought I was a big shot. I'd played a couple of all-star games. And I had graduated from school, so I didn't have any more academic requirements. And I was dating this beautiful girl in Chicago. Well, so I figured, we won the national championship. It is party time. So rather than get ready for the combine, which everybody does now, which was a great honor to even be invited to, I proceeded to get laid up and get drunk for six weeks. And I ended up, you know, I was projected to get drafted higher. I went down there and laid an egg. I mean, I ran a shitty 40 time. Just wasn't in shape. I was an alcoholic. And I ended up getting drafted in the sixth round by the Dolphins. And then I played it up. I played it up. I played it up. I played it up. I played it up. I played it up. I ended up playing on and off for two or three years. But, you know, one thing I forgot to mention. I'm sorry I forgot about this. So my dad was, even though he was an alcoholic and he never lost a job, he never had a DUI, you know, he was really a big inspiration and a big part of my life. And going into my senior year or my fifth year, he had a stroke and was in a coma. Never recovered. So my entire fifth year of football, when we, when Undefeated won the national championship, my dad was laying in a hospital bed in Atlanta. So that was, I think it took me a long time to really get over that. That was a big part of, I think, what drove me over the edge with my drug and alcohol abuse. And it was tough. You know, I put it out of my mind and I used it as an incentive to, I think, focus on the football season that year. And I had a really good year. But once it was over, it was sort of, you know, I mean, I played hard. I partied hard. That was kind of our motto, you know. So fast forward, I finally, my football career was over. I went to where I found, so somebody said, hey, you need to go to work on Wall Street. So I didn't really know what I was doing. My dad had sort of been in the financial industry. And I had a college roommate that had gone to NBA school and wanted to go to work in New York. Fast forward, I got Lou Holtz to write me a letter of recommendation. I got the athletic director from Notre Dame to make some phone calls. And I started interviewing him. And I got Lou Holtz to write me a letter of recommendation. And I got Lou Holtz to write me a letter of recommendation. And I got Lou Holtz to write me a letter of recommendation. And I got Lou Holtz to write me a letter of recommendation. And I was interviewing in New York. What I didn't realize at the time was that the Egos up there are bigger than the guys who play football. I mean, this was like Bonfire of the Vanities, or whatever the book is about, the guys that run the world. I mean, it was like ego on steroids, and I fit right in. So, it was all you could eat, all you could drink, all you could do anything. And it was just a license to steal. An unlimited expense account. It just fueled, and the more you could stay out, and the more you could drink, snore. and do whatever, the better you were, the more accounts you got. I mean, literally. It was just probably not a very good environment for me, but I did pretty well in that, and I thought it was great for a long time until it wasn't. So anyway, I had struggled. I had just always drank a lot. I thought it was okay that I blacked out and I didn't know what happened. I got in fights and I embarrassed people, and I just didn't care. I was so self-centered. The world revolved around me. I was the center of the universe. And, you know, no matter how much success I ever had or what I thought was success, I really was never happy. I really wasn't. It didn't matter how much money I made. It didn't matter what I did on the football field. I always had just a feeling of inferiority or a feeling of not accomplishing anything. I guess I never. I never had serenity. Never had peace. You know, I wasn't, because I wasn't a good person. I wasn't doing the right thing. I wasn't doing God's will. I was doing Wes's will. And, you know, I ended up, you know the story. You start here, you go there, you go there. It just kept getting worse and worse. It's a progressive disease. I got married. Well, my wife was married. I'm not so sure I was. At least I didn't think I was. And, you know, just more of the same. My disease had really started kicking my butt. And I would go out. I mean, I can remember going to the country club. I was playing golf. My wife was pregnant. I shouldn't even tell this story. But I just want to give an idea how bad it really got. And I asked her what she wanted for dinner. I ordered it. I got in my car. And I decided to stop at the strip club that I knew my buddy was at. And I got home four days later. This is not good. And, you know, that stuff started happening a lot. I just could not control myself. I really couldn't. One was too many and a thousand was not enough. And, you know, I don't know if this is an AA meeting, but the drug use sort of amped up too. And everything was progressing. I didn't know what was going on. I didn't know how to stop. I didn't know what to do. And her mother was an AA. And they kept telling me that I was an alcoholic. And I thought, what in the world are these idiots talking about? I got a nice house. I got a nice car. I'm not an alcoholic. And, you know, I think if it really hadn't have been for her and her mother just happened to be an alcoholic, I probably would have never even gotten in the program. I would have just, I don't know. Maybe I would have eventually. You know, I don't know what God's rule. Will is for me, but make a long story short, like Troy was talking about, I started coming into the rooms. Quite honestly, I just came into the rooms to get my ex-wife off my back. Let the dust settle. I was back out the door. I just wanted y'all to teach me how to drink. And, you know, I struggled in this program for a long time. I really did. I would get three months, I'd go out. I would get six months, I'd go out. I'd get nine months, I'd go out. I mean, I just couldn't, I couldn't get it. And, but everybody, you know, they opened me with open arms every time I came back. They really did. It was the only place that I could screw up. And they gave me a second chance and a third chance and a fourth chance and a fifth chance. And thank God they did. And thank God I kept coming back. My sponsors always said to me that it's going to take what it's going to take. And that has driven me nuts. And for, I don't know, almost ten years. But it's true. You know, I had almost, so I finally, I went, I don't know how many outpatient things I've been to. I never would go to rehab because my job was so important. I probably should have. But I went to, I think I was at Talbot. I know I've been to Talbot at least four times in the outpatient professionals program. And, you know, I'm just a stubborn. I don't, I think I'm real important. And I think my way, I think I'm smart. I think I can outsmart you. I think I can figure out a way to go around the system and do it my way. And, you know, that you can't. So to make a long story short, I had almost five years of sobriety. And my marriage, you know, as I got sober, all the carnage. All the carnage of all the stuff that I had done came roaring back. And we ended up getting divorced. And that was just, that was awful. So that was in 2008, I think. So I was in financial business selling bonds. I had a whole ton of real estate. And my wife left me and I had three little kids. So I don't know if you remember what happened in 2008, but it wasn't a good time to have real estate. I had investment property. I was in big real estate deals that I had signed off on. It was, I mean, it was the perfect storm of shit for me. Excuse my language. But it was pretty, it was pretty rough. Probably the worst, for sure the worst time of my life. I mean, my wife was leaving me. I was in danger of losing my children. I was facing bankruptcy. I had all these loans and liens. And I mean, it was just, I had, I think I had four attorneys at one time. I had a consultant and three attorneys on four or five different lawsuits. I mean, it was just, it really was two years. It ended up being two years. But I used that as an excuse to go out and start drinking. And, wow, you know, I hadn't drank in almost five years. And, I mean, it's a miracle I didn't kill somebody, honestly. I had a wonderful new girlfriend who was helping me. She had no idea I was an alcoholic. Well, she didn't at first. She figured it out pretty fast. I mean, I'd have my kids. I was in a custody battle. Here I was drinking. And I'm going to try to get my kids back from my, I'm going to get the custody of my kids. But I'm drinking. Well, that didn't take very long for them to figure that out. I mean, there were times drunk on the boat, falling out of the boat, kids on the, I mean, it was, I don't even, you know, driving drunk. I mean, I did, I broke every rule there is without hurting somebody, thank God. I mean, really, truly. I say it now only because I don't encourage it. But it was really, I mean, you know, the further I've gotten into sobriety and the more I think I'm down the right path, the sicker I realize I really was and how much I was in denial. And it was just, I mean, if you don't believe it's a progressive disease, and I know you've heard this a thousand times, go back out there. I guarantee you, how many times have you been out there and you've heard that it's better? Because it's not. And my disease, you know, I always thought because of this whole athletic background that I was mentally, you know, I could mentally overcome it, that I could handle it, that I could, that I was stronger than everybody else. But I'm not. I'm no like, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not unlike anybody else in this room. You know, I spent a lot of time when I first came in these rooms reading every, you know, I would make, have an opinion about everybody's story, everybody's bottom, everybody's background, everybody's financial status. And, you know, I would carry myself in some little, I was better than that or I was different than that or I didn't have that bottom. Well, that's all bullshit. It does not matter. We are all in here because we have a disease. And it doesn't matter if you're a valedictorian of Yale or you're a high school dropout. It doesn't matter. We're all the same. And, you know, I'm jumping around because it really is just, you know, I look back at the way that I thought. I was just so in denial about a lot of things in the program. And I do really believe when I had almost five years, you know, I was on a dry drunk for a lot of that time. And I had come into the program for the wrong, well, not for the wrong reasons, but I really did it for my ex-wife. Never really did it for my ex-wife. I really did it for me. And I didn't work the program, you know. And these guys, I'd go to breakfast and dinners and I would just be all over the place. I got this shit figured out. I mean, I was just miserable. I really was. I didn't realize how miserable I was. No serenity. You know, I'm just Mr. Fucking Know-It-All. And that guy will kill you. And so I had to go back out. I mean, I went back out. I got my teeth kicked in. And I was like, oh, my God, this is bad. I really did. And I really kind of lost it. I got fired. Really, we agreed to separate, my employer and I. It was really the first time I had gotten fired. And, you know, I really don't know what happened. I think my last time I went out, I can remember I had about six months after. Another thing was. Two, when I almost had five years and I went back out, man, my disease had gotten so much worse. It was so much harder for me to get back in here. I could not kick it. I had cravings. I had shakes. I mean, it really scared me to death because I really realized I'm going to die. Because I wasn't like. I mean, I was straight from let's go have a drink to straight into like blackout coma stuff. I mean, it wasn't. There wasn't a. There was nothing romantic about anything I was doing. And anyway, last time, my last drunk, we went down on a quail shoot. I got drunk, made an ass of myself, drank in the next morning. I mean, it was just, it was awful. I was waking up in the middle of the night, drank. I could, I mean, it wouldn't even. I would probably fall asleep for two or three hours at a time. But I had to have booze back in my body immediately. And, you know, I don't know what happened. That was, that was the last. My last drink was. Two and a half years ago, this time. And, you know, I had been told everything in this program. I had good sponsors. I had the right knowledge. Well, I had been given the right knowledge. I had read all the materials. And, and it had never worked for me. It had never worked for me because I was still the center of the universe. I looked at the steps. I tried to manipulate them the way that I wanted. I tried to do them. And I think what happened more than anything else is I finally surrendered. And Troy said it. I mean, I finally realized that I was an alcoholic. And when I really, I mean, if you look at the first step, I don't know that I had ever really believed the first step. Honestly, if I'm honest with myself, I really don't believe. I think in the back of my mind, I always thought that I could do it again, you know, or that I had another drunk in me. And I don't know. I explained to you what happened. I don't know if it was because of my people, my family praying for me, people in these rooms praying for me, me praying for myself instead of a foxhole prayer. God, what can I do for you kind of thing? You know, maybe that changed. I can't tell you. But the only thing I changed was everything. I don't mean that just saying that as a cliche phrase. I really changed everything. AA became the most important thing in my life. I, it was the same. When I was 11th string at Notre Dame, I was telling the story. I realized at that point in time, I was going to work harder than everybody else. I got to the same point in this program. And I realized, you know what? I'm an alcoholic. I'm never going to get better. But I can. I mean, I'm never going to cure the disease, but I can get better. And I can work on it. And by the way, if what I'm doing is not, if I keep doing the same thing and I'm getting a bad result, well, then I better change what I'm doing. Right? I mean, that's the definition of it. That's the definition of insanity. And I really did. I changed everything. I started praying. Can't say that I was looking for a relationship with a higher power, but I knew that the people that were in these rooms that had sobriety, that had serenity, that had peace, these were the things that they did. So what I started doing was asking people that had the things that I wanted what their routine was and what they believed in. And the more I started talking to those people, the more I started picking up. And I can't tell you that I work a perfect program because my program is way from being perfect. Not even close. It's very far from being perfect. But most importantly, I surrendered. I asked for God's help. And I went into action. Instead of talking about doing the steps, I had a big fear of the fourth and fifth and ninth steps. I had done a very half-assed fourth and fifth step. And an even more half-assed ninth step. And I had a big fear of the fourth and fifth and ninth steps. Well, this time I came back in. I began to read the material. I had a particular gentleman that knew the steps better than anybody I knew. I call him the Step Nazi. And I knew that he wouldn't put up with my bullshit. I wasn't going to fool this guy. And I knew that what he had was very unique. So anyway, I ended up working with him, my fourth and fifth step. And we worked on it. I mean, this thing was, I don't know how many pages it was. It was long. I would list like 150 people. And I'd go in there and he'd say, you got more. I'd say, man, I don't know. Go back, anybody, everybody, just go back through your life. So I just, on and on and on and on. And I really, we really got to the point where I really believed. And there was a lot of stuff on that. It ended up going on that list that I didn't think that I would ever tell anybody in my life. Honestly, I was taking it to the grave. But I think a lot of that stuff. But I think that stuff eats at you. I really do. I can't explain the relief that I had after this fourth and fifth step that I did with this guy. So anyway, we did. We literally did it. Poor guy had to sit there and listen to me going through my fifth step. Good gosh. I wouldn't wish that upon anybody. But he did. He listened to it. And then I went, you know, we did the sixth step. And then I went and sat by myself for an hour in the bottom of a triangle and asked God to remove all my, all the effects of character. And, you know, I really, I sat down there. I literally, I prayed for an hour. I've never done that before in my life. And I can honestly tell you, I guess I've said that I've never really had a white lightning experience. But that was my white lightning experience in this program. I've never felt like that before. I have never been the same since that point in time. I am not the same human being. There is no doubt about it. I don't think like I used to think. I don't want like I used to want. I don't lay in bed at night with anxiety like I used to. I really don't. You know, there's, and I, for so long, I came into the rooms and I would go to lunches and breakfasts and dinners with all my buddies. And I had all these problems that nobody else had. All my ex-wife, all my kids. Well, you know what? Everybody, everybody has problems. My problems have not changed. The world. The world. The way that I deal with them has. They don't bother me anymore. I can't say they don't bother me. But they don't bother me nearly as much. You know, everybody I know that's known me for a long time doesn't even, I mean, I play golf with these guys out at my club. I mean, I've been playing golf out there for 25 years. And, I mean, they have seen the absolute worst of me. And every time I go out there, they tell me some story that I don't remember. But I was playing with a guy today who was telling me about one time I hit a bad shot. I threw my club over the caddy's head. And then I was running after the caddy to try to throw him in the lake after that. Sounded good to me. Did he give me the wrong club? You know, I'm just, all I can say is I really did change everything in my life. I work the steps. I go to meetings. I sponsor people. I read the material. And I pray. And the more I do that. The more I do that stuff, the less I think about myself. And the less I think about, the smaller I am in my world, the happier I am at all times. There is absolutely no doubt about that. If I'm thinking about myself, I am miserable. I'm spinning it inside my alcoholic brain. If I'm helping somebody and I'm not thinking about myself, I feel great. If somebody gets better because of something I do, that's what makes me feel good. You know? Not standing up here and patting myself on the shoulder. I really don't give a shit about what I've done. It doesn't matter. What am I going to do today? How am I going to get better tomorrow? How am I going to help somebody tomorrow? It's not about what your past is. It's what you're going to do today and going forward. You know, Lou Holtz, one of my coaches, used to say you're either growing or you're dying. I believe that. How are you getting better? How am I getting better? I'm either closer to a drink or I'm further from a drink. So I'm going to do everything on my part. I'm going to do everything on my part to stay further from a drink and closer to a drink. You know, I don't work a perfect program. I can also speak to you guys tonight and be all zen and say all the right things and go outside and cuss somebody out when I turn on the road up here because they cut me off. I have to practice this in all my affairs. That's the biggest part for me now is I don't have a desire to drink, but I have to be able to do the next right thing. This whole thing is my whole spiritual world. Growing. And I need to learn how to expand that. I can't be stuck in one place. You know, what can I do differently? What can I do differently with my family? What can I do differently with my coworkers? What can I do differently with my fellow alcoholics? What can I do differently at Triangle? You know, I just ended up, maybe it was God's will, I ended up, one of my sponsors who's the president over there said, you know, I hear you're going to that 545 meeting. What do you do? Well, it ended up with my job that that was the best, that was really the only time that I could go. Or the best time. So I started going. Well, I went, I would say in 365 days I went to 340 meetings. 545 meetings. And there really was. There was four or five people probably in there. And I started, revived the 545. And you know what? I didn't even know about group conscience. Next thing I know I'm whatever they call it, the chairperson. I ran. I ran the 545. And, you know, we got a secretary and we got a whatever. We got all the different positions. And people started showing up to the group conscience meetings. And we had four or five people at the group conscience. And we had 10 or 15 people at the group conscience meetings. Guess what? Then our big thing was we wanted to have people. The key was to have a calendar and to have people down in the book as the chairperson that had sobriety and made sure that they got a good speaker in there. Because what? What was happening at the 545 is whoever said they were going to be the chairperson and speaker, nobody was showing up. So I just kept, I would show up, be the chairperson or the speaker. So I just, you know, I just forced myself into recovery, honestly. But over time, I'll tell you what, we've got a heck of a good group over there. And if you guys are ever over there that time of the day, I guarantee you there will be a chairperson. There will be a speaker. They will have sobriety. There will be a message. We have a whole schedule of different stuff on different days. And that's something that I could feel good. Now, I feel good about that. I do feel good about that. I did, I guess I did, I never really thought about it, but I guess I really did sort of, you know, hopefully I'm helping somebody. You know, I don't know, I don't know when it's going to get, when I say something that's going to help somebody, but I got to try. I got to try. It's just like the steps. I don't know if the steps are going to make me get, keep me sober or make me not want to drink, but I got to try. And what, what good is it going to do me not to try? Because me not over here, not doing anything is not working. I want to be happy. I want to live a fulfilled life. I want to help people. Listen to what I'm saying. Who the hell is this guy? You know, I mean, honestly though, that is the shit that makes me happy. I don't, I mean, yes, you know what? And here's another thing. The more I do the next right thing, the more I do the things that people have told me what to do in this room. The more everything in my own. Personal life gets better. That is an absolute fact. My business is better and I'm not thinking about it. My relationships are better and I'm not thinking about it. Um, you know, everything works itself out. I want things to be, I want things to work themselves out instantaneously on my time. It's just the way I am. Well, guess what? What I've realized is the third step. Third step is a very hard step for me because I want to be in charge. But if I really, really, really pray about it and truly don't try to manipulate situations that are, that I'm out of, that I can't control, which I thought I could control everybody. Things have ended up working out better and the way they should have worked out, but they weren't on my time horizon. They're on God's time horizon. You know, I bitched and moaned and whined and cried about all this stuff that was going on with my crazy ex-wife and not seeing my kids and all that. Those kids love me. I see them more than I've ever seen them. Our relationships are better. I finally had to let it go. I had to stop trying to control her. Just one example. I don't know about you guys, but the better my life typically had gotten in the past, every time I call myself, and I don't know if it was subconsciously or the way that I was brought up or what it was, but every time I would get to a high plateau in my life, I would sabotage myself. I'd get to a high plateau, sabotage. Relationships. My marriage. Everything was going great. I've never made more money. I've never been healthier. I had three beautiful children. Wife was beautiful. Sabotage. NFL. Sabotage. I mean, it really was. I was a self-destructing human being. That's what I was. And I did the same thing in this program. You know? I looked for a way to ultimately destroy myself. And instead of doing that this time, I pray. When I get that urge to have those self-destructive behaviors, you know, I'm building. I'm building up times and way. I'm building up time and I'm getting further away from that. And I'm building up habits that keep me from getting into those sinkholes. You know what I mean? And I can tell myself, you know, and here's another thing, too. I think because I never had really worked the program, I'd never had any peace and serenity. And I got a little glimpse of it and a little feel of it. Man, I want that. I want to stay there. And I can tell when I'm. You know, and now that I've now I'm in the program and I can tell I've been real busy with work and I'm moved and all these high end problems. And I haven't been going to as many meetings. I haven't been talking to as many alcoholics. I haven't been helping anybody. I fired one of my sponsees because he wasn't doing things the way I wanted him. I thought to myself, what the hell are you crazy? You know, I got to get back on the beam. I got to get back on my spiritual connection to my higher power, which, by the way, and I'll wrap this up, you know, the only way that I ever could begin to have a relationship with the spirit, with my higher power of my understanding was once I worked those steps. I can't explain that either. Once I did a real four, fifth, sixth, seventh step, you know, maybe I cleared enough baggage out of the way to have some connection with something that all of a sudden I felt like was almost guiding me. It was there all along. Maybe I don't know. But my message is this, you know, you can choose to work this program the way that you want to work it and interpret the steps and everything else the way you want to interpret them, or you can read the materials the way that they're written. You can work the steps, work the steps, work the steps, not read them on the wall. I'd read them. I got that one, that one, that one. Yeah, I got that one. No, that's not how you do it. You got to go into action. You know, it's just like you want to be an athlete, you want to be a bodybuilder, you want to do anything. You got to work at it to get the result. I don't know why we alcoholics think we can come in here and do it half-assed and get all these upsides. You got to go through the pain and misery in the work. You got to sweat. You got to do the sweat equity to get the prize, you know, and you got to stay on it. You know, we get complacent. I got complacent when I went back out. I stopped going to meetings. You know, you heard the story. I don't have to get into it. You got, this is, you know, the good news is if you do what's right, you work the program as it's written. You get involved and immerse yourself in AA. You can live a wonderful life. You can contribute to people's lives. You can be there for people. You can be proud of yourself. And, you know, you can be a beautiful human being. And I never thought of myself as a beautiful human being. I never even, I realized, too, I've worked a lot on this. Believe it or not, I did not like myself. At all. I thought I was a total scumbag. I'm starting to feel a little better about it. But not all the time. Because I got a lot of work to do, you know. But I'm just glad to be up here tonight. Hope you got something out of that. And, you know, all I can say is my life is infinitely better today than I could have ever imagined it would be. I mean, I really mean it. I mean, even in the two and a half years that I've, with not very much time, that I've been back in, things have happened in my life that, I mean, a meteoric rise in many ways. And more importantly, I just am a happier person. You know, and I have some peace and serenity. So, I appreciate you giving me the opportunity to speak tonight. Thank you very much. Very powerful message. I really enjoyed that. I think my program won't be the same after it. I know this podium won't be the same after it. You beat the hell out of it, Wes. River keep a-rising, water gonna overflow. Get that river keep a-rising, but water gonna overflow. Just like that old river, it's my time to go.