Alcoholism Is Not a Behavioral Problem: The Physical Allergy Explained – Julie H.

Okay, so I was asked to just kind of say a few words. I was asked when I got here, so I didn't have anything planned. But I just want to say that this particular group, the primary purpose group, has absolutely saved my life. I could, for the last three years, I have been trying to get sober in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, and I could not put any considerable amount of sobriety together. And I couldn't figure out what I was missing. And I found this group, and I found some amazing friends, and just people that have really helped me step across, like Angie and Scott and my sponsor Tom Pick, who's in Dallas, Texas. And this particular group has just changed everything for me. I truly am, I feel like I'm working a different program. I keep telling my sponsor, you know, this new program I'm working, and he's like, no, no, no, this isn't a new program. This is Alcoholics Anonymous. This is just not what you have been working. You know, I have been doing all kinds of stuff that well-intentioned people were trying to have me do. They were trying to help me recover, and a lot of it wasn't in the book, and I wasn't recovering. So this particular group, we're really big on that big book. That's how we recover, you know, the content in that book. So I'm just honored that I get to be a part of this and to lead this meeting, and I'm going to turn the meeting over to Angie. Thank you all for coming. This is amazing. Great. My name is Angie. I'm a recovered alcoholic. Angie. Angie. I'm just going to introduce our speakers, let them get up here and do their thing. I do want to say a little bit about how I met these wonderful women. I'm from Dallas, Texas, and Primary Purpose Group in Dallas is my home group. I've been out here for about three years, but I met Audrey and Julie five and a half years ago, about the same story as Janina. I could not stay sober. I met them at a meeting, heard Julie. She was speaking, spunky, happy. She was furry. She was furry. She was talking about the steps and how she recovered. And she was very passionate, sweetest gal, but she's going to tell you like it is. And I was a little bit scared. So Audrey was kind of standing next to her, and I thought, man, I need someone a little bit softer and more gentle and, you know, because I'm real. You know, sensitive. And so I went up and I talked to Audrey. And, you know, I didn't know how this whole sponsor thing really worked. And I arrogantly thought that she was supposed to ask me if she could sponsor me. And so I'm just, Audrey and I are talking. I don't know if you remember this, but Audrey and I are just talking, and I'm just kind of like, okay, when are you going to ask me? And I really don't even remember how it happened. It was God. I know that. The next thing I knew, she was my sponsor. And I was a little bit relieved because, you know, Julie was tough. You know, like I said, she's going to take. And then I found out shortly after that Julie is Audrey's sponsor. And I'm like, oh, great. But they are wonderful women. And that's one of the things that drew me to them is that they do tell me like it is. They speak the truth. They're willing to get uncomfortable. They're not worried about my feelings. They're going to tell me the truth. I mean, I didn't get sober by anybody just telling me, you know, it's going to be okay, and you're going to be good, and we're going to take our time with the steps. And, no, they pretty much said, you're going to die, and we're going to get through this work pretty quickly. And so Audrey is my sponsor. She has been for five years. She lives in Austin now, and I live here. And it works. Because I know that book. And she's a phone call away. And I feel like I have two sponsors. You know, once I got over the fear of Julie, and I wasn't so scared. She's awesome. Now I get to utilize both of them. And they're always just both there. And I'm so pleased that they're here. And you guys, I just really hope that you all enjoy yourselves. And thank you all, everybody, for coming. And let's go. Julie Harvey. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I think we're saving the better for last. My name is Julie Harvey, and I am a recovered alcoholic. Because of this book and the directions in this book, I haven't found it necessary to take a drink since September 16th of 2003. And for that, I'm absolutely blessed. Yes, you may record me. I'll try not to disturb that. I'm going to put it up right there. I'm going to open the book. We will be using a book. Right on. So you can have a look at the play. You know, here's the thing. I spent 13 years in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous and trying to get sober and trying to get sober and wondering why I couldn't get sober. And when I initially came in, I can't tell you that I wanted to. I'm not going to lie. Because I came in via a psych unit. And I was young. And I actually went in. And it reminds me of a story in the book where you go in with a bad case of the jitters. And I had just gone through a divorce and lost two kids and dot, dot, dot. And so the first meeting I ever went to, I went because I was in the psych unit. And there was this little CB unit across the hall. And I kept seeing them all go off. And they got to go in this little white van and leave. And I'm like, sign me up. Like, what do you have to do to leave? And so I did. And all I remember was a smoke-filled room. And I got a blue book. At that point, I absolutely wanted nothing to do with y'all. And I had no intentions of listening. I just wanted a free ride. So I put the book on the shelf. And that's where it remained. And my story really does begin in Alcoholics Anonymous. Because up until then, that's when I really tried to start quitting. And I knew that I had a problem with alcohol from the first time I drank when I was at the age of 15. I was on the way. I was visiting my grandparents in Round Rock. And we drove to Austin for a Death Leopard concert. And within that time, and it's about a 40-minute drive, 45-minute drive. And in that time, I drank four, I mean six Tallboys in 45 minutes. It was the first time I ever drank. And my cousin, if you don't know... Do you know what a Tallboy is? They're like these big old monster beers. And I was 15 years old. And all I remember is I puked the entire night, woke up the next day, couldn't wait to do it again. And so I learned real quickly though that I couldn't drink like the other... my friends. Like my high school friends would go off campus and they would have a couple. And they would actually return to school. And that just wasn't my case. I wasn't able to do that. I go off campus. I have a couple. And I'm thinking, well, no, no, no, no. Where are y'all going? The party's just starting. And we have to stay here and continue. So I learned real quick not to leave school. Just don't leave. And I was able to manage that. Because I think at some point in our drinking careers, we are able to manage and control. We wouldn't keep trying to fight that back. Right? But at some point, we keep doing this less and less and less. Once high school stopped, that stopped. And more and more. And I just kept thinking, well, I just need to grow up. Right? That's my problem. I need to get married and grow up because college isn't for me. So I'm going to get married and grow up. And I have a baby. Because surely, I see these guys with babies and they're all happy and grown up. And that's what's going to do it. That's what's going to make... And I love it. I love Bill's story where he was like, oh, the law was not for me. That's it. You know? And that's us. I mean, we're always trying to... Let me fix this. And let me fix this. And let me get this right. And we get it right. And it's still not working. We still find ourselves drinking. So I have the baby. And I'm still finding myself out in the bar. And my husband at the time is having to leave our child. In the crib at 2 a.m. and come pick me up. Clearly, alcohol is a problem. What do I think? Have a baby. Have another one. Surely, it's not one baby you need. It's two. Two's going to make me grow up. So I get pregnant again. And then on top of this, my relationship with this husband of mine isn't going so well. So he's the problem. And I've got kids. And I never had the real... I never had the real life because I got married right out of school. And I was a mom. Right? Like, I can give you thousands of reasons why it was a good idea to drink. Thousands of reasons. So what do I do? I leave that marriage. Leave the kids. And I'm still drinking. In fact, my thinking was parties on. Parties on. So fast forward to I'm divorced. Psych unit. Got through that. And now I'm at the point where I'm 23 years old. I've been evicted from an apartment complex that I work at. That is not good. I've just been served papers for a restraining order against my two kids. Problems are piling up on me. And what do I do? What is my first reaction? Drink. And my girlfriend... I love the part in the book where it talks about, you know, we beat ourselves on the hammer so we won't feel the ache. See, that's how the family members and friends view us. And we're going, that is the stupidest line in that whole book. But isn't it the truth? Isn't it the truth? Because I'm sitting there going to the refrigerator after I've been served with papers. And my girlfriend, at the same age, is looking at me going, Are you insane? What are you doing, Julie? And I remember this to the day. And I looked at her and I said, I have to get a plan together. And she said, Julie, you need to call an attorney. And I said, no, I need a drink. And see, that's what we revert back to. We revert right back to what works. And what works is alcohol. From the moment I turned 15, and I took that first drink, I understood the effect that it produced. I understood it. I knew it. I needed it again and again and again. Now, not everybody's the same. So I'm not saying we're not going to compare our stories. Because we all drink. Listen, I know so many women, especially, that don't turn into alcoholism until their mid-30s or 40s. It's like, I sponsored this one. And I was a young lady and she drank through college just fine. And then all of a sudden, at 35, it hit like a rocket. And beyond recall, within a few years. Our bodies are different. It can metabolize different. But the thing is, when I knew when I was 15, it was a problem. So why didn't I stop then? I knew when I was 20, it was a problem. Why didn't I stop then? Why didn't I stop then? I remember at the age of 18, I came home one night. My mom is sitting at the kitchen table and I can still see her head, the back of her head, and she's got the phone book open. And the light was, kitchen light was out and there was a little dim light on. And I'm like, Mom, what are you doing? And she said, I'm looking up AA for you. Because you need it. And I said, oh, that is crazy. See, they see it before we do. So why is it that I couldn't stop for my children? Why is it when my three-year-old looked at me and said, Mommy, beer makes you sick. Why couldn't I stop? So one night, after all that happened and I was evicted and everything, and I'll never, I was sitting and God talks to me in weird places. I'm not going to lie. I was on the toilet. True story, believe it or not. And I was just crying out to God and I'm like, God, God, help me. What do I do? What do I do? And remember, I'd been at that psych unit. And so I heard this voice. And at this time, I'm in Dallas and I grew up in Houston. And so I heard a voice say, go back to Houston and go get help. And I said, okay, that's what I'm going to do. And I started packing everything up that night. And I went to this store, got a 24 pack, and drove to Houston that night. And I got home and the next day I tried to call that unit again and they were like, no, we can't take you. I'm like, okay, so what's next? AA, right? So I walked into my first AA meeting voluntarily. And that's where the story really began. Because I have to ask, why is it that we come to Alcoholics Anonymous? Why is it that we come here? I don't know about y'all, but I did not come here to find friends. It's a benefit. It is. Believe me. I've got some great women here that I know. Some great men here that I know. But that's not why I entered the doors. Baby, you need a seat? There is one right here. Come. What do you think? Nobody needs to stand. It's a long night. You know, I don't know about you, but let me tell you what I learned through that year and a half. I learned that bowling is fun. I can decorate for a party. Meeting makers don't make it. I thought they did. I went to three meetings a day. Don't worry about this. Don't worry about that. Just double up on your meetings. I had five months sober. He had five years. It sounded grand. And I joke about that. I joke about that now because I can. But in full reality, I got pregnant. I got pregnant because if I'm not fixing what's wrong with me, I'm going to tell you I will find something that will fix it. And for me, a long time, men fix things. And that's just honesty. I got to find something that's going to make me happy. Because I don't know about you all, but when you take the booze away, I get worse. I don't get better. I mean, I remember you asked my husband, bless his heart. He used to say, I can always tell when you're drinking because you're happy. You're a little nicer. As long as I don't take it away. Or for good. Or for good. Or for big you. So, the deal is though, I got pregnant and it's the stupid opinions that kill me. It's the stupid opinions because when I got pregnant, I had the sponsor that I had at the time. First off, when I was doing my fifth step with her, it wasn't enough for her. And you have to remember, there's a whole bunch. And this was back in 92. And you have to remember, especially then and even now, there's a lot of that treatment center industry comes in and stays in the rooms. And there was this old man, he would sit in the lobby. He would never enter a meeting, but he would counsel all the women. And everybody must have been molested. I tell you, if you were a woman in AA, you must have been molested. And so, but the problem is, is a lot of people buy into that crap. That's the problem. And so, when I'm sitting there doing my fourth step and I take it to this sponsor of mine and she says, no, there's not enough. So, what do I do? I go back and I lied on it. And I made up somebody and I said they molested me. And I took it back to her and she goes, now you're getting on it. It's crazy. And so, and I'm going to get to that. When I got pregnant, she said, I can't. You're going to have to get an abortion. You're not married. You either need to get married or get an abortion. And I said, well, I'm not going to. I don't know what I'm going to do right now, but I'm not going to get an abortion. And she said, well, I'm going to have to fire you. And I said, fire away. I don't know what to tell you. I mean, at least I had some common sense, you know, because some people don't. Do you understand that there are some people in this program that are very impressionable and will listen to your stupidity? And I have a 16-year-old daughter that's absolutely beautiful today because of it? Because I said, no, I will not listen to your stupidity? My 16-year-old daughter today has a beautiful baby. She's beautiful. She's beautiful. She has more sense than I ever had. I would love to grow up and be the woman she is today. And everybody in that group, all they did was try to have me give her up for adoption or this. Shut the hell up. We come to AA to get a sponsor, to get that sponsor to get us connected to God. Right. We can. And we can. We can. God can run our lives. That's it. I have a mom, I have a dad. I don't need another one. I do need some help understanding what my problem is. If you go to page 155, because see I didn't know what my problem was. And we see it over and over again. Fast forward. Now, do it. forward. I left that group and vowed never to go back to AA again because my fifth step that I lied on actually wound up in court. Little things like that happen to me, right? They don't happen to everybody. They just happen to happen to me. So I really was done with AA. I thought all of y'all are nuts and I'm done. And so I just happened to meet this man. I lived in Clear Lake. He lived in Dallas and I always meet these Dallas men. But God put him in my life because he's the most wonderful. I could never have. I'll tell you more about him later. To be in this program and to work this program and to be married or not be married, it's tough, right? I mean it's tough. We devote a lot of time to this and we have to and we love to but he's so supportive of it and God bless him. But God bless him because he's lived through a lot of my drinking. Is that me? No, it's me. I'm trying to get my A. It's not to be me. For seven years through our marriage, I tried to quit. For seven years, I kept trying to quit. I kept trying to quit. I'd go to meetings and I'd go to meetings and I'd go to meetings and more meetings and it was the same thing. We'd go to parties and my husband was supporting me through all of it and we had another child. At this point, I've got everything. I have everything. I've got everything. I'm volunteering at school. I'm volunteering at church. I'm volunteering anywhere. I'll do whatever you ask me to do. I don't know what else to do. And I go home and drink every day and I've just got to the point where I'm standing in front of the refrigerator just rocking back and forth going, I don't want to drink today. I don't want to drink today. I don't want to drink today. Please God, don't. Please, please help me. And I'm opening the refrigerator door anyway. Tears sometimes coming down my face before I pick up that first drink. I'm not wanting to do it with all my will and all my might. I will never forget sitting on the edge of our bed one night and I told my husband, I said, I'm so sorry. I cannot make you any more promises anymore. I can't. I'm going to drink and I don't know why. And for me, that was a devastating blow. That was a devastating blow. I had tried in every attempt and every failure. I did everything. Went and saw Dr. Phil. Like, you know, we go and do the little work. I had my vodka bottle, but I thought I would work with it. You know, more exercise, this, that, this. You know, I'll never forget being in the day once and we went to Mexico and I thought, well, baby, we're on a vacation. Right? He's like, okay. All right. Let's look at 155. It says, he had a desperate desire to stop but saw no way out for he had earnestly tried many avenues of escape. Painfully aware of being somehow abnormal. The man did not fully realize what it meant to be alcoholic. How true that is for some of us who sit in these rooms for 13 years. 13 years in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous. I did not know what was wrong with me. You know when we look at the Roman numeral XX. What is that 20? Roman numeral 20. Sorry. I got sober. I did get smart. When we look at that, and he talks about the percentages of who was getting sober and staying sober back in the day. And what I love to add on to that is, you know, Bill actually polled these guys when they left. And when they came back, and he asked them, he said, why did you guys leave? And some of them said, I didn't like you guys. Come on. Haven't we left because we saw the net job next to us? Right? I have. I couldn't accept that spiritual program thing. Listen, I've done that. I'll never forget standing up in the middle of a meeting one time because I've got God. I'm so tight with God, and you're not. Like, what's wrong with y'all? I've got this. Y'all are screwed. And I left, right? I left to go to the liquor store. And so they gave different reasons. But then he said, but why did you return? And they all said the same thing. Because if I had a mind like yours, an alcoholic mind like yours, the day would come, and I wouldn't be able to raise a defense against the first drink, and I would drink again. And I did. So clearly, clearly they knew before they even left the door what the problem was. How come I didn't? I didn't. I had a guy. I had a guy say to me at dinner, and I love him to death. I do, but come on. I had a guy say to me at dinner, well, you could read, couldn't you? Right? Right. Yeah, I can read. Isn't that stupid? But let me ask you a question. When you entered a classroom for the first time with your textbook, could you take that test and get an A by yourself? I'm not that smart. Y'all might have. Y'all might be able to. I couldn't. I kind of needed a teacher. I kind of needed a guy to help me through this process, to explain some things. You know what? I didn't understand what this allergy meant. I heard it in meetings. That's the problem. I was just told to shut up and listen to what's being said in the meeting, and to share what I felt. Don't give a rat that's what you feel. Like feelings. Come and go. If I'm depending on what I feel for the day, look out. I'm a tornado in your life. You ain't going to be pretty. Right? I lose my train of thought a lot. It's age. Kids used to it. When I would hear the word allergy in meaning, do you know what they would say? They would say, Oh yes, I had an allergy. I broke out in handcuffs. I'm not kidding. So I would be sitting in the meeting thinking that an allergy is breaking out in handcuffs, or someone else's bed, or waking up to something strange. Guys, I am sitting in my backyard drinking every day. I'm sitting in my backyard, and I'll never forget. I would be out there, and my husband would say, Julie, how is it that I'm on my fourth, and you're on your fourth, and that's a lot for him, right? Like he's trying to keep up with me. I'm on my fourth, and you're on your fourth, and you're just getting started. And I'm done. I'm done. And the thing is that I wanted to be done. Like in my mind, I'm saying, go in the house. In my head, I'm thinking, God, go put the kids to bed. Help him put the kids to bed. Go into the bedroom. Go to bed with him. Go be with him. And I'm saying, one more. One more. One more. One more. And it's freaking midnight. 2 a.m. An allergy is a physical reaction. It's an abnormal reaction. He doesn't get it. He doesn't have it because he drinks normally. He can say, guess what? I'm going to stop at this. I'm going to take the second one. I'm done, baby. I'm going to bed. I'm like, okay. Good night. See, I can't make that decision once I start drinking. I lose control over the amount. So why don't we just stop, right? Why don't we just stop? It's easier said than done. The problem is that I didn't have that choice. That's why I'm standing in the front of the refrigerator crying, because I can't make that choice to wait until I'm done. It's not easy. It's not easy. It's not easy to wait until after carpool. And I'm having to hide a little beer tucked under my t-shirt going through carpool. And it wasn't until one day I finally woke up and I said, actually, I woke up and got on the computer and it said alcoholism. And I said, oh, shit. An intervention is coming. That's what I really thought. That and some other circumstances. Because you know what? The deal is that circumstances get us willing to get sober. They don't keep us sober. Fear sobers us up for a bit, right? But they don't keep us sober. Had another little incident with my son. And when he walked away, he said, I'll pray for you. You know how bad it hurts when your 15-year-old is telling you that he'll pray for you? That's not his job. That's my job. My job. So I decided, my husband and I knew that AA didn't work. He was in agreement. We knew that. So I was going to go to treatment. He had already found it. And I knew that because I saw that little inscription on the computer. And he found a treatment center. I liked it because you could paint a rock there and leave it. And I thought, that's what I needed. And they had this other treatment thing there. And I thought, that's what I needed. And I'll just get clear of the booze and then it'll be okay. Not really. Not really. Here's the deal, guys. I did not go into that place thinking I'll ever quit. Because it was unthinkable for me to say quit. I truly envisioned myself not dead. But I was going to have a stock pond because I like the fish. A bottle of wine. And my grandkids would be running around. That's really how I envisioned the rest of my life. Ow. Just. In the end, you start writing those letters. You don't know if you're going to kill somebody or you're going to die. You just don't. I mean, it's just a sad, pathetic, black hole. That's what it is. And I tell you, Bill says, I mean, that bitter morass is self-pity. Nobody can express that better than Bill. I went into a treatment center and I have to say, there are three men in my life that I give such gratitude for. My husband is first. Chris R. is another. And my sponsor, Cliff Bishop. Chris R., on page 18. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. But the ex-problem drinker who has found a solution, who is properly armed with facts about himself, can generally win the entire confidence of another alcoholic in a few hours. Until such an understanding is reached, little or nothing can be accomplished. Isn't that the truth? Until I have someone with that depth and weight sitting across from me, little or nothing. Nothing is going to be accomplished. Listen, don't we love our families more than anybody? And what was that frosty emotional peal? Nada. Right? I mean, it might have helped a minute. A minute. But when I got that understanding, when I finally started hearing, Baby Case, you're not drinking because you have issues in your life. You're not drinking because you have issues in your life. That's not why you're doing this. And let me tell you, I wasn't on the front row taking notes. I wasn't. I was on the back row going, I don't want you. None of you. All of y'all. Right? I had the golf carts after me, patting me down. But what I kept hearing, I couldn't ignore the truth. See, I couldn't ignore it. I couldn't ignore it. I couldn't ignore it. I couldn't ignore it. I couldn't ignore what he was saying. I couldn't ignore what was in the book. I don't know what he said. What I remember is what was in the book. I can always go back to what's in the book. And what I remember is him saying, You have no choice. You have no choice whether you're going to do it. And I'm like, oh my God. Oh my God. That makes sense. You mean, I'm not a weak-willed person. I'm not a bad person. I'm not a bad mom. I do love my family. And so when I went to that woman's meeting that one time, and they told me I didn't love myself, because I wouldn't admit that I didn't love myself, and then they told me, keep coming back. I'm not kidding. Crazy people. I do love myself. Right? I'm not doing this because I don't love everybody or me. You know, we wake up and we make that hope and nobody's around, and we make sure no one's looking, and we look in the mirror and we're like, okay, okay, today, today. Right? Like I heard someone that does it every morning in the shower, today, today, by the time you dry off. It was so, what a relief to know that it wasn't a choice. And that once I started, the physical peace I could get, now what? Like I knew it, but it made perfect sense. Now I understand, oh, there's actually a chapter that Dr. Silkworth wrote? There's actually a chapter in the book called The Doctor's Opinion? Oh my gosh, I didn't know that. I didn't. How many years was I an alcoholic synonymous that not one sponsor took me to that? You know what they did? They pulled out the 12 and 12 and all sponsored me through the 12 and 12. Everybody sponsored me through the 12 and 12. I think I just got bad ed. Bless their hearts. They don't know any better. But that's the thing. If you don't know, you don't know. You only know what you've been taught. You can't teach anything differently. And so it's kind of funny because we all sit around in these things. I sat around in those meetings forever. And so when I went to Dallas, I expected to sit in those same kind of meetings. I didn't know to change. I didn't know to change meetings. I thought they were all like that. I don't know why. The funny thing is, I was in Dallas and I was driving. 20 minutes to another meeting. When the meeting I go to now is like 10 minutes from my house. Crazy. The ex-problem drinker, the recovered alcoholic, can win the entire confidence of another one in just such a short time. It doesn't have to take 7 years. It doesn't have to take 13 years. It can take how many meetings? None. None. None. None. And I think this is one of the problems that we see so often is that when it comes to the sponsorship level, you just do what you know. And so if you don't know the book, you don't know what, to do. You know, I love the meeting we were in last night. We were talking about how it works and it just spells it out so specifically. And we were talking about how, you know, meetings across the country read that. I can't tell you, they're probably mumbling it 10,000 different places right now, you know? But do they understand it? Do they study it? Do they know what they're talking about? And that's what we've got to ask ourselves. Do we know what we're talking about? Do I know what I'm teaching somebody else? And see, that's the good stuff. It's kind of like, am I telling someone you're drinking because you've got some issues? Or am I telling them, you know what, go clean up the issues. And if you really believe that you're drinking because of your issues, please, go clear up your issues. And then come back to me when you're still drinking. Right? Because, guys, I tweaked the mom issue. Because I had them. Like, my mom wasn't supportive. She didn't go to all my events when I was in school. Bad mommy. Bad. She should be shot. She was working. Right? My dad died when I was 18. That's a big issue. That's not why I'm drinking. If I can tweak that and tweak this and tweak that, right? Why am I still drinking? Why am I still doing what I've been doing? And see, that's what, this is not a behavioral problem. And we have got to stop treating it like a behavioral problem. And once we do that and set aside all that BS, then we can start really picking up the issues. And we can start really picking up the tools and finding out what this program is all about. That's what I got to do this last time I came in. And since then, I haven't had a drink. Since I've understood what's in this book, I haven't had a drink. That's the miracle of this program. It's kind of like, has it been easy? Absolutely not. Have I had to do things I don't like? Absolutely. Like, admit I'm wrong. I don't like to do that. That's my husband. I still don't like to do that. Ask my sponsor. He really knows it. Bill says, a price had to be paid. Right? A price has to be paid. When I got out of that treatment center, the thing is, is that we all think we, we still think we know what we need. Right? And I went right back to the old group. I had all the knowledge. I had it all. I worked the steps. I even started making my amends while I was there. It was the, it's a treatment center that, that I, you actually start, you do work all the steps. Oh, that's a surprise. But, um, I was at this meeting and, and everybody had their big books. It was crazy. Never seen anything like it. And, um, I was talking to a buddy of mine and I was telling him that I had gotten this sponsor and she was all spiritual but really busy. And next thing I know, this old man comes up. He was sitting behind me. I had no idea who he was. And he just slapped me on the back and he said, I'll work with you. And, um, today I thank that man because that man has absolutely saved my life. Um, he handed me this sheet. I got it done that night. Um, he then said, okay, here's your fourth, fifth step, fourth step. You have a week. I did it in two nights. Um, and see, I think that's what we have to understand right there. We can't make anybody do this program. We can't. The willingness must come from within. You either have it or you don't. See, at that point, I understood my truth. I understood that I was going to drink again and there's nobody in my way. Like nobody's going to stop me. I love my husband to death but he can't stop me. I love my kids but he can't stop me. I love myself. I can't stop me. No human power is going to relieve my alcoholism. The only thing that will is God. I thought I had it. I didn't. Didn't know what it meant. So I better work some steps and get to it. So I understood that. So I knew to grab this with the desperation. And so I was willing to do it. And I think sometimes we want to chase the people we're sponsoring and make them do it. And it's wrong. It's kind of like. We can't. We can't get in the way between them and their last drink. We can't. Otherwise I'm saying. I'm playing God once again. I'm going to play God in somebody else's life and think I know what's best for them. It's kind of like me saying to somebody else that I think they need to get an abortion or they can't wear that or they can't date them or who the heck am I to know who you can date? I don't know. I'm not a marriage lover. I'm not a woman. I'm not a marriage counselor. I don't remember having a MSW. What do they have under behind their neck? Right? What drugs do you can take? I don't know. I didn't become an MD. Right? I mean who do we get off telling people what they can do and what they can't do? It's ridiculous. I do know one thing. I do know how to tell somebody how to work the steps. I do know how to tell somebody to go work with others. I do know how to tell somebody you better find a service commitment because one day you're not going to want to. One day you're going to want to sit at home and you better be able to have that commitment to go out and do it, to get through those times because guess what? It's not always easy. I don't care how long you've been sober. A hot minute? A hot 15 year minute. It's not always easy to call and say I was wrong. I got my feelings hurt. So and so looked at me wrong. Just because we get sober doesn't mean we become inhuman. We're always going to have these feelings. We're always going to react. We're always. But thank God that we're in this. We're in this. We're in this. We're in this. We're in this. We're in this. And so I just want to say thank God that we have some steps and we have a way out which we all agree on that works. That takes care of it. Like I don't. Here's the coolest thing to me in this whole book is that I cease fighting anything or anyone. How cool is that? Today I could care less what people think about me. And do you know how long I lived without a job? I lived without a job. I lived without a job. I lived on what you thought about me and the decisions that I made on what you thought about me. Every decision in my life was based on fear of what you thought. So if I thought you thought I needed to go do this. If you thought right today, I don't care. You're going to like me or you're not. Period. I'm a big teddy bear. I really am. I'm a big teddy bear. I'm a big teddy bear. For those of you who really know me, I'm sensitive. I don't usually say that out loud, so. This program has given me more than just not drinking. This program has given me a life, I love what my husband said because bless his heart, he truly has been the most supportive thing in my recovery. My first job. my first year sober, let me tell you what it looked like. I was out Monday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday night, Thursday night. Sometimes we'd go out to Fort Worth Friday night, Sunday, Thursday day, Wednesday morning. Okay? I was carrying the message. Whole first year. I'll never forget, at one year sober, he sat me down and he said, Okay, I need to know what your schedule is going to be. Because he took care of the kids every night. He's the one who fed them. He's the one who put them to bed. My son was three years old. He's the one who did their homework. He is. And he let me. And let me tell you, if there's any Al-Anons in this room, any family members in this room, I support you. I thank you. And let me tell you why he did that. Because what he said is, you may not be here with us present, body, but when you're with us, you're with us today. You're present. I know you're here. Because before, I would always be with them, but it'd be like, even if I wasn't drinking, it's like, Oh my God, when am I going to get my drink? How am I going to get my drink? When are they going to leave? How am I going to get them gone? How am I? Right? And today, I waited. I waited. And I'm free of all of that. That's no longer my life. And yes, I'm a busy woman. Yes. And he knows it. And he's supportive of it. But he also has a sober wife. And I guarantee you, that's much better than anything else. So, rock on. I can't wait for this weekend. I am so excited. I thank y'all. I don't know why we're here. I don't know why we're here. I think y'all got the wrong people. But I do want to thank Angie. And can I do one thing real quick? Who is on the committee? Who is on this little committee here? Can y'all stand up? Whoever is on this committee that helped, can y'all stand up, please? Darcy, Jeff. Stand. Stand. Jeff. Stand up. I don't stand up. I need you to stand up. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. They don't even know what they've done and the schedules they put together and all the work they've done. But I have to say thank you guys. Y'all rock on. And next, y'all get to hear odd. But we're going to, I'll give it, hand it back to Angie or whoever. Thank you guys.