Alcohol Was Just the Disinfectant for Internal Wounds I Refused to Name – Penny C.

About This Speaker Tape

Penny C. shares her story of growing up in Eagle Rock in a family shattered by her parents' divorce when she was eight. Her father, a deputy sheriff, began an affair with a juror, and her mother descended into episodes of rage that were often directed at Penny. Raised in Catholic school with what she describes as a blaming, shaming, punishing concept of Higher Power, Penny learned early to keep secrets, smile through pain, and play the victim. Her first drink at fifteen in Newport Beach produced her first blackout and a searing shame she never forgot.

In 1984 she married an amazing man who adored her, and together they became five o'clock drinkers. Life seemed glamorous — black tie fundraisers, photos with Margaret Thatcher, presidential birthday parties — but underneath, Penny was already displaying alcoholic patterns: calling in sick on whims, using alcohol to cope with anything painful. When her oldest brother died of AIDS, she told no one until the day he passed. Then in October 2003, a breast cancer diagnosis brought her to her knees. Chemotherapy medications explicitly warned against alcohol, but she turned the bottles so she would not see the labels.

During treatment in 2004 she crossed the invisible line and blackouts began. Consequences piled up — impaired driving, car accidents, her husband's growing disappointment. On October 15, 2005, at a dinner party, she blacked out after publicly admitting she thought she had a problem with alcohol. The next morning, October 16, she called a friend and attended her first AA meeting at Bailey Canyon. She arrived at the rooms insisting chemotherapy had caused her problem, not real alcoholism.

Over seven years of sobriety, Penny gradually accepted her disease, found a sponsor who changed her life, and completed a grueling fourth step that began with a resentment against her first-grade nun. Her sponsor helped her recognize that she had been abused as a child — something Penny had spent a lifetime denying. Through the steps she developed compassion for her mother, replaced her punishing Higher Power with a loving higher power, and discovered that the party house she once treasured could become a sanctuary. She closes with the daily practice that sustains her: reminding herself that ninety-five percent of what goes on around her is none of her business, and greeting each morning with gratitude.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Introduction and growing up in Eagle Rock — photo albums that hid a family full of sadness
• 3:00 Parents' divorce at eight, father's affair with a juror, mother's episodes of rage targeting Penny
• 6:00 First drink at fifteen in Newport Beach — first blackout, hangover, and devastating shame from friend's mother
• 9:00 Catholic school and the blaming, shaming, punishing Higher Power — realizes in sobriety it was really her home life
• 13:00 Moves to La Crescenta at 21, lives across from the clubhouse, learns about AA twenty-five years before getting sober
• 17:00 Marries amazing husband in 1985, becomes enchanted with nightly five o'clock drinking, black tie lifestyle
• 23:00 Brother's death from AIDS kept completely secret — breast cancer diagnosis in October 2003 feels like divine punishment
• 30:00 Crosses the invisible line during chemo, blackouts begin, turns prescription bottles to hide alcohol warnings
• 37:00 October 15, 2005 dinner party — admits alcohol problem in a blackout, two women cry, remembers nothing after
• 43:00 Fourth step starting with first-grade nun, sponsor identifies childhood abuse, developing compassion for her mother