Alcohol Was Just the Disinfectant for Internal Wounds I Refused to Name – Penny C.

We have a lot of different kind of speakers, and tonight we have a real good-looking one, and her name is Penny. Miss Penny, it's all yours. Good evening, everyone. My name is Penny, and I'm an alcoholic. I would like to thank Rhoda for asking me to be here tonight and to speak. It's always a pleasure to be asked to participate in any meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm really grateful to be here tonight. Congratulations. Happy birthday to the birthday people and to the chip takers, and I'm going to do my best to share my story and what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now. For me, it all began in Eagle Rock. That's where I was born. That's where I grew up, in Eagle Rock, not far from here. And it's really funny if you look at the photo albums of my youth. We're all smiling, and it's just that we just look like we were just this amazing, happy, happy family, and there was so much sadness in our family. And the photo albums, no clue, no clue whatsoever. My mom and dad got a divorce when I was eight years old. I had a yet older brother, and then I'm second, and then I have a younger sister and brother. So there were four of us. And my mom and dad did everything wrong, everything possibly wrong that could be done when you have children and you go through a divorce, they accomplished. My dad was a deputy sheriff. And he was at this point, at this time where he was a bailiff in Pasadena. And he was, after trial was finished, a juror slipped him a note, and she was an older woman with money that lived in North Pasadena on Los Robles. And they began an amazing affair slash life, which tore apart our family. And there was, again, everything that could, that shouldn't be done was done. My mom, we would go by her house. She would send my brother to the door all different times a day, at night, the fighting between them. We witnessed it all. And it was just really, really sad. And, you know, as sad as it was inside the house, it seemed as if when we left the house, we were happy again in some strange way. I mean, I always have a smile on my face, you know. I was acting as if a long time ago. And with the divorce, I was daddy's girl. And that was well recognized throughout the family. My mom, she, things changed. She was terribly burdened, working full time, trying to keep the house. And I'm not making excuses. This is absolutely true. But she started having episodes of rage. And, yes, this, they were towards everyone in the family. But somehow I was spotlighted for a little extra dose here and there. So when I was 15, a friend of mine, she and her family had a lovely beach house in Newport Beach. And we went down for a weekend. And that was when I experienced alcohol for the first time. With the exception of sitting on dad's lap. And having a sip of his cold bottle Miller beer when we had family gatherings. Oh, let me also mention, there wasn't, my mom and dad were not heavy drinkers. There was never alcohol in our home growing up unless we had company. Then there would be alcohol and soft drinks. But otherwise, there was not anything like that in the house. So with that first drunk. I experienced my first blackout and my first hangover. And the next day coming home, a sight, the physical pain, the physical discomfort was one thing. But what I really felt was the shame of it. And I didn't understand that. That my friend's mother was just disgusted with me. And her looks and lack of speaking to me told me so. I was in the way in the back of the station wagon. And I could just see her glaring at me through the rearview mirror. And when she got to my house, she just, she didn't say goodbye. She didn't say anything. I never want to see you again. She said nothing. And that shame is something that I remember like it happened yesterday. Now, I, at that age, I'd already experienced shame because my mom, you see, we went to Catholic school. We went to St. Dominic's. And back then in that day of Catholicism, you're Catholic. My higher power back then, I guess I should say, was blaming, shaming, and punishing. And all along, I always felt that that was just the way the church was back then. But I've come to realize in sobriety that it was really my home life that was that way. It was really my home life. It wasn't so much the church. It was really the way my mom treated me. So, um, I was 21. When I moved out of the house and I found this great little place to live in La Crescenta, um, one bedrooms at that time were probably going for 150, 175 a month. And I found this little place for $210 completely out of my budget, but it felt like home. And it was at 4006A Dunsmore Avenue across from the clubhouse. Um, and at home. At that time, um, I had a couple friends from, from high school contact me because we were friends. We went out drinking together. We did other various drugs together and they decided to look into the program prior, you know, back then, back in the day, late seventies, early eighties, actually early eighties. And they knew where I lived. They said, can I, you know, park in your driveway? And can I run, go over with me for moral support? And I said, sure, sure. No problem. Um, and that's when I first learned about this amazing program. And I asked all the questions I knew about the 12 steps I knew about having a sponsor 25 plus years before it was time for me. Back then my drinking was hit and miss. I mean, I, I've always been a social drinker. I never drank by myself. Um, I remember I lost. My cat when I lived there and I called the guy next door to come over and have a beer with me. I'm sobbing. I mean, I just always was a social drinker. So fast forward to 1984. I meet my soon to be husband, an amazing man, amazing man. Now, the other thing that I realized. Well, in these seven years that I've been in these amazing rooms. Is that even though I didn't always drink alcoholically, when I was single, if something did happen, if something really crappy happened or something that I really felt bad about, you betcha alcohol was involved. That's that, that is something that I realized soon, but the thing that took me quite a few years to realize is that I had also what going for me or where the impact of alcohol was. Um, and that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. I used to, I used to definitely call in sick because I was nursed in a hangover that, that, that's true. But I also called in sick because I just didn't feel like going to work. I just, just couldn't make it happen. Um, I was supposed to have ironed my pants the night before I didn't really small things would trip me up and I just couldn't do it. And I remember having a feeling of, well, what's the big deal? Not really understanding my part in being there. And that's what responsible people do. I just called in sick because I just didn't feel like it. It was amazing to me that I never got fired. I don't know how that happened, but that was, uh, amazing. So in 1984, when I met my soon to be husband, I meet this amazing man, just amazing. He just filled with character filled with. Um, love, love for his two sons that were, uh, five and eight, uh, love for human mankind. I mean, he was just the most amazing guy I met with so much kindness in his heart and such as amazing spirit. And you know, in the, the, okay, hear from the tears. I'm a crier by the way, but the most amazing thing about him was that he wanted me and he wanted me, he was so in love with me. And. I was just so, wow. And we met in 84, we were married in 85 and he couldn't wait to marry me. And, uh, he expressed such love and so, so much emotion all the time. And I was just completely blown away, completely blown away. And my mom, interestingly enough, you know, the rage in the anger that she seemed to have towards me. Didn't. Didn't end in childhood. I mean, it continued through my teenage years and my young adult and even into my married life. And, uh, the first five years of my marriage, she would often say, I don't know how you did it, Penny. I don't know how you did it. I don't know how you got them. And, uh, it would always be very, uh, it just, it just fueled the, the, the, the fire, the fire in my gut. You know, the, it, the, the sadness turned into rage and, but it, you know, I never acted out that much towards her. I never screamed back at her. Why would you say that to me? Um, my mom was very explosive. My dad was the other way. He would just, uh, go out the back door. He kept everything inside. And I think I took after him a little bit. So from a very early age, I learned how to be a victim. So. So you can imagine by the time I entered this program, I was very, very good at being a victim. And so as my life continued with my amazing husband, the one thing that came to become a regular, uh, a regular evening tradition would be, we became five o'clock drinkers. And you guys, I'm telling you when, when it first occurred to me that we were going to get. Get to, we were going to be drinking again. We're going to drink again tonight. It's not the weekend. Wow. I mean, I was enchanted. I was in love with the idea that we drank because I didn't drink every night. You know, I just didn't. And guess what? Now I do. And I was just enchanted with this lifestyle. I thought I had really arrived and a little bit of me. I think I felt I was invincible. Yeah. Yeah. Because I had this amazing husband that, uh, loved life and everything was happening for him and his career and everything. And a lot of things started happening. Um, after we got married, uh, his boss was really involved in a lot of, uh, charity fundraising, but big, big things, Hollywood and political and so forth. We went to so many things, our first five years of marriage, so many black. tie events, I attended two sitting presidents, birthday parties. I'm S I have a photo standing next to Margaret Thatcher. I mean, things were just happening and we, and this was just our life. I was still working. I was a legal secretary. I worked across the street from Bullocks Wilshire. And after three years in marriage, I was able to stay home. Now, something very sad happened before that though. My oldest brother. He was diagnosed with, uh, full-blown AIDS and, um, passed away. And, um, the whole time he was sick up until his death, I had not told one person, not one person. And you see from that divorce at eight in my family, I had learned secrets at a young age. I learned how to keep secrets and. Not one person knew how to even the best friends at work. No one, no one knew my boss didn't know. No one knew. And miraculously on September 1st, 25 years ago, he passed away. And then I got to tell people I had to, I needed a bereavement leave. So, and it was just so hard. It was just so hard. I'm still not comfortable talking about it. And. Our broken family, if you can imagine, was able to break even more. I, we were just shattered at this point. So life went on though. Life went on. And I still enjoy every night drinking with my husband. And after three years of marriage, um, I was able to stay home. And. That was really helpful because then I didn't have to get up with a level, some level of a hangover and go to work. So that worked out good. That worked out really good. And this wonderful man, you know, he never makes demands on me still to this day. And he certainly didn't then. And he just didn't. So if I ended up staying in bed all day, nursing a hangover, it didn't really, it didn't bother him. He didn't really seem to mind. And, um, off we went. So in 2003, October, 2003, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and my life just came to a screeching halt. And that diagnosis pretty much did me in. Um, remember the shaming, blaming, punishing God that was still the God of my understanding. Well, everything that my mom had said to me in all those years, I felt was, um, now my punishment, my, my punishment was gone. I felt that my punishment was coming. It was due in the greatest form imaginable. And even though you guys, things, miracles were happening, like my doctor being available and my, the oncologist that I was chose was just finishing a trial on an anti-nausea drug for breast cancer chemo that I was able to get. I mean, there were miracles happening, but I was. I was too far down into the abyss to really, really, um, see this as an opportunity to change things. I just couldn't, I knew for a fact that I was being punished and damn it if my mom wasn't right. So even though these, these blessings were coming and you know, you would see me, you would see me with my little hats on and my bald head and you would see me. Oh, the, the, oh, things got worse. With after, you know, the surgery, of course, I was told I had to have six months of chemotherapy and I was just, you've got to be kidding. Um, on the, on a Gleason score of aggressiveness of a tumor, uh, nine being the most aggressive mine was an eight. You've got to be kidding. You know, it was just every bit of news I received just was worse and worse and more of a punishment for me, for me that I deserved. But. I. Always. Think. Thought, but then how come I have this man, you know, how did this wonderful, wonderful, loving, caring man, how come he's still with me? If I'm that bad, how can I be that bad? So I start chemo. I start everything like a real soldier as people saw, people saw me. It just thought I was just amazing. The one thing I did do is I did try to stay busy. I, I was a member of the locking, uh, for Jugo Hills. Hospital women's council. I still went to my meetings and things because something told me, Penny, you've been blessed not to be nauseous. You cannot stay home and feel sorry for yourself. You have to get out and resume some kind of life. You just have to. So I did do that. Um, everybody thought I was just, wow. Wow. And I was just dying inside. Did it occur to me that maybe during chemo, I. Maybe shouldn't drink every night at five. Yeah, it occurred to me. Did I do anything about it? Mm-mm because that social drinking became a coping skill. It became a coping skill. You guys, I could not not drink every night the way I used to. Did I drink any more or less? No, but I was taking medication for the side effects of chemo. Um. Meaning not, not for nausea, but for other side effects. There's many. And the two prescription bottles, one in bold print said, do not drink alcohol. The second one said, avoid alcohol. Couldn't do it. Could not do it. And when I would, I would sometimes turn the bottle so I wouldn't see the writing when I would take the pills. Um. Sometimes I didn't, sometimes I did. It depended. So sometime in 2004, when I was in treatment from January until August, I crossed the invisible line and blackout started. I was never a blackout drinker ever. And I started to experience blackouts. And they scared me. Too. pieces. Did I stop drinking? No. Did I say anything to my husband or to anyone? He would be the first person. No, didn't say a word. So then as time went on, I'm getting impaired very quickly, very quickly. And he's starting to assist me. And sometimes I let him and other times I don't. So in the summer of 2005, we have a talk in our backyard because he went online. And he and I, over a bottle of wine, are talking about what's going on. And he is somewhat correct that the chemotherapy has changed my system. I cannot drink the way I used to. I have to just only have one or two drinks. Well, you know what? That sounded really good. And it sounded doable because we didn't know that there is no turning back once you cross that invisible line. And my husband kept saying, Penny, you just change. The minute you drink, you're just not the same person. And I knew, you guys, I knew this. And I was just sitting there thinking, crap, other people know. Now, too, my husband knows other people must know that I'm struggling. I'm struggling here. But the thought of not drinking was not an option at all. I was further victimized by my breast cancer. You know, it's still the punishment, the almighty punishment that I deserved. So I couldn't, I couldn't be alone with those thoughts. That's just not, couldn't do it. And so, in July, we're at a dinner party and my friend is dabbling in the program and she has, uh, about 30 days. And I know she's struggling and I know she's in and out, but I asked her in her kitchen in July of 2005, how many days do you have? And she said, I have 31. And I said, I would give anything to have 31 days. And she looked at me and said, I have 31 days. And I said, I have 31 days. And she looked at me and she said, are you kidding me? And I said, I would give anything. She said, you're crazy. I said, no, you just don't understand. As I reached for the Cosmo that her husband was making me and I walked off. So I am just not getting drunk at home anymore. Not necessarily drunk, but I'm not having that aha moment. I know what's going on. I understand. I know what's going on. And I am just fighting it. There is no way I can survive not drinking. There just isn't. Then when I out, I'm impaired right away. Things started happening. Consequences started to pile up, um, from needing a ride home to backing in my new car into the garage and missing. Um, things just didn't happen. I'm just not getting drunk. I'm just not getting drunk. I'm just not getting drunk. I'm just not getting drunk. I'm just not getting drunk. I'm just not getting drunk. I'm just not getting drunk. I'm just not getting drunk. I was just in a really, really bad place. Nothing terrible, but bad enough. And my spirit, my spirit was just, I was, I would be driving home from this area, La Cañada, where I'd meet friends for dinner at Taylor's all the time, always be able to drive home. And I'd be pulled over to the side, just praying, just get me home. I'm not going to do this again. I promise you. And I did again. and again and again but i would have that same prayer i pulled over and i'm on the surface streets and i'm not driving well and i'm saying what is going on what is going on but you know in the morning light i knew what was going on and i was scared to death so then finally october 15th 2005 we're invited to a dinner party in la canada we're driving up and now my husband's not happy with me at all anymore when we're going to be around alcohol he's just not we're he just says to me in a very disappointed voice are you going to control your drinking tonight i said yes thinking one more time you guys thinking that that can be done and um i counseled myself driving up two glasses of chardonnay before dinner two glasses of red with you but guess what dinner wasn't on time nor did i remember nor did i remember and while we were sitting at dinner everybody was in the bag except two men that were sober that were there with their wives or significant others and or um my husband ted and i were at the end of the table right here and somebody says let's all go around totally the table and share something that no one else knows about ourselves. And when one guy, he's a pianist, and he had played with a very, very well known, famous pianist in his career, which no one knew. Another guy had a son that nobody knew about. And I those are the only two that stand out to me, because I instantly ended up in a blackout. But when it was my turn, you guys, when it was my turn, I said, thank you all for helping me through my breast cancer. These friends were very significant at that time. Thank you for all the support and love you gave me. Now I'm in the bag. And I said, I think I have a problem with alcohol. And I said, I'm in the bag. And I said, I think I have a problem with alcohol. And two women, I saw tears coming, going down their cheek. And I just sat there. That's it. And woke up the next morning. I don't remember dessert. I understand I ate it and it was good. I don't remember saying goodbye. I don't remember the drive home. I don't remember my husband putting me in the house, bringing me into the house and putting me to bed. And I just woke up the next morning on October 16, 2005 and thought, oh, my God, what have I done? But then I also felt some relief because my husband and I can talk about it till the cows come in and I wasn't doing anything. And I think God just said, you got to get it out there or you're not going to do anything. You've got to be accountable. You just have to. And I think I was just sick and tired. I was tired of being sick and tired and it was time. So my husband wasn't speaking to me in the morning. And I knew my friend, my friend who was struggling. So I called her up and I said, do you think you could take me to a meeting? And she said, yeah. She said, it's Sunday, 1030 Bailey Canyon. I'll pick you up at 10. And I looked up at the. Clock and it was a quarter of and I was just, oh, I just things. We're in motion. I turned around and looked at my husband and I said, I'm going to a meeting and I walked past him to change and he came in and he said, I'm very proud of you. And I was furious. I just looked at him like, how dare you say that to me? I was just furious. So. Off I am. Off I go. I call my friend who was also my friend from 25 years back and I call prior and I call her up and she happens to be Debbie and I call her up and I said, I've been to my first AA meeting and she said, why? And I said, it's progressive. So she introduced me to the Locking Yotta speaker meeting and I arrived there eight days sober. And that's where I learned about this disease. You guys, you've all taught me about this disease because I walked in making sure you all knew that I would not be here if it weren't for chemotherapy, that I'm not really an alcoholic. It was the chemotherapy in my system. And, you know, there is some truth to that, but we all know it doesn't matter how you cross the line. The fact is you do. And that's what I could not accept. So I walked in with my blaming, shaming, punishing God, denial, lack of acceptance, and, but I didn't have anywhere else to go. So I was pretty happy to be there. And most of you loved me anyway. Just okay. Just please coming back. You allowed me to think what I needed to think because I could not. I could not say that I was, that I belonged here because of what I had done. I kept thinking, but I didn't drink anymore. I didn't drink anymore. I kept thinking about all the things that had happened in the year, all the good things. Um, you know, and that all made sense to me. I don't belong here. I'm just going to chill here for a while. And then. The amazing speakers at the podiums and the leaders sharing their experience, strength, and hope taught me about. This disease and my first aha moment was that I was laughing and shaking my head about things that had happened that I could relate to. But guess what I was in high school or I was, you know, I was a young adult or I was in my twenties or I was in my thirties and part of my forties when this happened, not after chemotherapy. And then what really got me was when I started to relate to your feelings and your thinking, oh my God, you guys, I was just, I was shocked. I was heartbroken. I was sad. And I wasn't going to admit to one of you, not one of you that I belonged here because I had been grandstanding how chemotherapy got me here and started to. Understand. That drinking was just a symptom of our thinking and our feelings that that's what the alcohol was and that I was just disinfecting my internal wounds and that that's what I was doing. So before I turned to the secretary at the La Cunada meeting, the speaker didn't show, and she asked me if I would speak and. That meeting was, it's like my family and more so, more so all my, all the meetings I feel, I feel related to, but this meeting in particular, maybe because I learned so much there and I took that opportunity to admit to the entire room that I would have ended up here. Even if I had not gone through chemo, what chemo did is it accelerated my disease. And, um, I remember I cried as I said that, and it sure felt good. It sure felt good. So it was after I was two, two and a half that I met my sponsor that changed my life in this program. Um, I really, really, really played out the victim. Um, I didn't know how to be anything, but. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And, um, I was just so unhappy. I was so sad in my sobriety. Yes. I had moments of joy. Yes. I couldn't believe you could wake up every day and not have a hangover. Yes. I, there were the immediate, some immediate gratification, but I was just such a victim and I was never going to do my fourth step ever, ever. Um, I was just in so much pain and yes, I smiled because remember I learned that early on. So yes, I smiled and yes, um, I acted as if, and, but I was in serious, serious pain and somewhere my second year, I met my sponsor who changed my life, but it took me a year before I would do my fourth with her because I just didn't, I knew she would, she would, she would leave. I knew she would leave me. There was just too much. I mean, she would just, I didn't have faith in my heart. I didn't have faith in my heart. I didn't have faith in my heart or power. I didn't have faith in the program. I saw what it did for each and every one of you, but I really, really didn't believe that I deserved the same level of happiness that you all had. I, I just knew that I would, this was somewhat going to be a prison type, uh, rest of my life. So she just kept telling me, you're, you're, I just can't tell you how much, um, better you're going to feel for me. Life is going to be amazing. I hate to see you still struggling. You can have happy, joyous, and free practically every day. And, um, finally I did it. I did it. I finally did it. And you guys, my first resentment was my first grade, none teacher. Now, how sad is that? My first resentment from first grade forward. And I didn't leave a stone unturned. I never, ever wanted. St. To do this again. And I just said everything, everything. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe the sorrow that was stuffed in me. And, um, and I had to deal with my mom and it recently, I saw something that said hurt people, hurt people, and they hurt people and they hurt people generation after generation after generation. And I got to understand my mom at this doesn't make now, the one thing too, may I mention is my sponsor had to tell me that I was abused as a child. Oh no. I told her no, no, no, no, no. You know, she was just tired. She was just this. I was making excuses. She goes, my sponsors cried, you were abused. Well, you know, so I spent a year before I did my fourth. Really wondering, how did that happen? How does that happen? I have two granddaughters that are four and eight, and I cannot imagine anybody breaking their spirit. I can't even imagine. And I'm thinking, how did that happen? How does it happen? And I spent a whole year really sad, trying to, trying to sort it out, trying to figure out, um, and, and, and trying to. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. To release these actor, the idea, the thinking that it was really all my fault and, um, in learning to have compassion for this woman and some understanding, because that shaming, blaming, punishing God is still the God of her understanding. You guys, she's 80 years old and she's just filled with negativity and sorrow, and it just bounces off me today. And none of that would have been possible without my sobriety in these rooms and me talking to other women. If, if, if, if a speaker talked about any kind of abuse or trouble with their mom, I was, I was chasing them out to the car after the meeting, trying to talk to them about it, because I needed to have some understanding and hear how you got through it. And even there, I believed that. I probably would never. I probably would never be good with my mom because I really don't quite deserve it, even though I saw other people make amends, as well as make a new life with their parents or siblings. And I stand before you today with nothing but compassion for my mom, nothing but compassion. And none of that would have happened without your guidance and the fourth. Step and the fifth step and the steps of the program. I mean, this program is just a miracle every single day. Um, the God of my understanding today is loving, kind, forgiving, forever supportive. And I just have a new life, a new life that just keeps getting better and better. Um, whenever I think maybe I've kind of hit that plateau. Something, something happens, something jars me loose, and it's always something that happens within these rooms or with somebody in these rooms. Always it's, um, um, my life with, we know we were set the party house back in the day. Our, our home was just a party house and, uh, it was hard to imagine that it was no longer going to be that way. And little by little. I'm real. Comfortable with it being a sanctuary and not a party house. And, uh, it's amazing how all those drinking friends, just everybody just goes away. We go away, they go away. And, um, if we do meet up it's for lunch and that's, that's fine because, you know, most of my lunches were iced tea lunches anyway. So, um, the one thing that I learned early on in my sobriety that I really wanted to do. Um, is that. Yeah. I wanted to understand, and I did, is that 95% of what goes on around me is none of my business. And I cannot tell you how that has saved me so much in my life, whether that be, I just keep my mouth shut and I don't have an opinion or I stay out of other people's, uh, lives and, and I wait to be asked for my opinion. And, uh, it really, um, has made my life so much easier as well as the first thought in the morning when I wake up and I realize I'm alive is I will be gone. And if I have to say that four or five times a day or 200 times a day to get through a particularly trying day, I do, I do. And I'm happy. I'm happy to have those words to know those. Words. Words and to understand that, and I'm just so grateful to be here tonight. And I thank you again, Rhoda for asking me to speak. And I think it's, it's, it's time. So thank you all for being here and, um, happy new year.