Ain’t You Gonna Ever Get Honest? — Dick’s Lesson on Self-Honesty That Shattered Her Halo – Alabama C.

Fellow alcoholics and friends, my name is Alabama Carruthers and I'm a grateful, happy alcoholic. Hi. It's good to be here. I'd like to thank the committee for inviting me, but I'd like to also tell you it's good to be anywhere. It's good to be alive. It's good to be where I was invited to come, you know, and get me on the same day I was invited. And the best part of all of it, I don't know where I've been when I got home. I don't know about you, but it was back to switch for a girl like me. I was being, I've been 34 years sober, approximately December the 1st. I was so, I was so sick that nobody thought about writing down the date, because they didn't know whether I was going to live or not. But they know that they gave me the life. And I'm impressed. I really am impressed. I'm impressed what God, an alcoholic synonymous, could do for me that I could not do for myself. I give God the credit that I, I hope that I never forget to be impressed that, uh, what happened in my life that made it possible for me to stay sober. I love that, sister. That I, I love that. And I, I, I love that, I, I, I love that. And I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I love that. If there, if there runs out of California, I'm going to come and live with ya'. I just, I feel so at home every time I come into Texas. And that's awesome. Uh, the few of you, uh, and you, uh, young ladies, I think we've met before, some of the gentlemen. I thought I was a moral leper when I came to AA. And I think the best news that I have was that I was a sick woman and not a bad woman. And I was here to get well and not to get good. And you know, it happened. And I think it's great because I'm an Episcopalian, sir. I lived over in Boulder City, Nevada, and my drinking and gambling was pretty heavy. And I politicked until they invited me to be on the altar deal. Because I wanted those people in that town to respect me. And I had lost all respect for myself. And that is possibly one of the, that's possibly one of the hardest things I had to forgive me about. That I was a politicky to be on the altar deal. And I asked him, and I was real, real, real relieved. And I asked to see an Episcopal priest. Because I wanted to tell him what I had done. And he said, well, did you drink from the altar? And I said, no. I didn't drink anything after four o'clock in the morning. Because I wanted to be in shape to get there. He said, well, you know, maybe it helps you, Alabama. Maybe it saves your life. If you had something you hadn't thought. It caused you to quit drinking at four in the morning. And he asked me, would I be willing to talk to the minister of that church? And I said, I don't know where he is. I would have already. I would have already called him. Because I felt so guilty about it. Another thing that helped me have some self-respect in human dignity. Is that I thought I was different. I guess we all feel different. We had a few constant women in Missouri that were sober. But I realized that they had not had the background that I had. And the bearing that I had on. And I thought I was wasted. I was a little bit more than that. I was a little bit more than that. I was a little bit more than that. And I felt I was out of balance. And a lady came in from Texas. She was visiting somebody in the community. And they got her to sit down at the Independence group. And she stood up and she said that she had done the same things I had done. I innovated that she had done the same things that I had done. And she stood there beautifully green with every inch dilated. And I thought, God is so wonderful. She can forgive herself. So can I. So can I. I don't even know who she was. But I just know how important it was for me to find a role model. To find someone who had been where I had been. That was walking in such great dignity as she was. She was a beautiful woman. I couldn't possibly tell all of my story in the time I have. Now see what time it is now. I'm 73 years old. It just passed April. I drank for 23 years until I was 39 years old. I've been sober nearly 34 years now. I tell you that I don't want to be distracted during the talk. And try to add it all up. I used to sit there and hear it. You know. And I thought. I probably think I should tell you I was 74. Because it doesn't expect me to live. 73. I'm not 74 yet. That's all right. Doesn't really matter. I just live thankfully the most. I've been going at a fast pace ever since I was born. I started drinking when I was 16. I went to a party. A Sunday night party. For girls only in my day and time. We did not have mixed groups. At the Sunday night party. And some of the boys. You know a couple of them had been to college already for a year. And they had some. They told me it was wine. It turned out to be you know very strong rum. 156% or whatever rum is. I don't like rum. Never did like it since that night. But I've been drinking it ever since. I did like it since that night. But I liked the way it made me feel. And they told tiny little bits to each of the girls. And I'm the youngest kid on the block. The youngest one there. I had graduated several years ahead of the girls in my age. And they were all 18 or better. And I was 16. And I didn't want them to think I was a kid. So I asked the men to pour me a glass of wine. A little bit larger drink. That I was accustomed to it. And I drank it. And I got drunk. And I took everybody's inventory. And it came in real handy when I got sober. And you know I just remembered what I had told them. And you know I told them that they were phoning. You know and all of their character defects and so forth. And all I had to do was just remember what I said. And I don't know about you. But I don't know about you. And when I went home from the Sunday night party. The next morning. Mother asked me what we did. And I said, Mama I don't know what the rest of them did. And I laughingly said, I got drunk. And I shrugged my shoulders. And Mother said, Honey you mustn't ever talk like that. People don't believe you sometimes. And I learned in my family that you would tell the truth to pretty. And I learned that it was never so great. And I started lying then. Now I hear people come into AA and say they are not liars. That they were not a liar. I don't see how you kept a husband or wife without lying. I am certain that if God had known me, he would have left. He would have had to leave it in hell. Except he died. And the only way. Yes. And I didn't like to lie because I was taught to tell the truth. I was taught to tell the truth. And I didn't like lying. But I found that it wasn't socially accessible to tell the truth. You know the truth was what I had done. And I liked it. I liked the taste of it. Not rum. I liked the taste of it. I'm not a white light. I drank it, you know, until prohibition was over. And then I started drinking the bottle and wine stuff. I didn't have any real problem with it until I was 19. And I started going out with a man that was a number of years my senior. A man that I loved. That I eventually married. And I didn't drink in the morning unless it had been a weekend party. there'd been a weekend party, but I was drinking with people. I didn't drink along at that time. But when I went out with this group of very sophisticated people, and people who drank like ladies and gentlemen, I tried to keep up with them, and they had practice more than I did. But I found out that you could get over being sick and start right over again drinking. And I learned how to do that. And I drank pretty heavily. And I remember going to a party my husband could be with a manager of a gold mine. And I've been called a gold digger, and I'm not a big... I like gold. And I liked him. He was the only man I had ever wanted to marry in my life. He was the most productive man I've ever known in my life. And I wanted to be married to him. And he invited his staff, and he invited me to dinner. And we were sitting in front of this side place, and I dashed into the fire. And I'd been drinking pretty heavy with the group all afternoon. And I know I'm going to fall in my place. And you ever get that feeling? And I knew that my face was going to be in the place. I knew that I was going to die in just a minute. And so as I started falling, I reached up here and said, oh, my heart! A couple of the engineers got up there and said, you know, we'll just call the doctor and so forth and so on. And the judge said, no, we'll just pick up and take her to the bedroom and continue with dinner. I heard it all, but there wasn't a thing I could do about it. And on the way home, that man told me that he couldn't marry me if I continued to drink. he couldn't marry me if I continued drinking like that. But he was the strong person that I couldn't stop. And he was already in management in his profession and doing very, very well. And I told him that was his problem. Now, he was the only man I'd ever wanted to marry, you understand. And I'm telling him it's his problem. And we came back that same night and he left me at the house and apologized for what he had said. And I've often wondered, could I have stopped then? I don't think so. I don't think so. I think I would have cried. But I did have to cry because we were married when I was about 22. And we had a, I was born in a small country town of 400 people. My family's family's a town. They thought that we were kind of Indian. And I was a young person. I was a young girl. I thought that they overpaid them with the beans. And I look back now and I'm real proud of my heritage. And I'm real proud for the, having been raised in the country. I'm a jealous that lived in the city. So I had the best of two lives. And there were seven of, my father drowned. I don't, one day he decided to quit and he just quit. I think maybe that he was a periodic alcoholic. I don't, you know, I don't know. I don't know. I really know. But I do not believe that that is the reason I am an alcoholic. I think I got here because I drank too much. And I have believed that ever since I got here. I don't think that, I think that I had a lot of problems. But I don't think they were so deep-seated, so dry, so you couldn't take care of them. And I've been very grateful for that because I've seen people who did have deep-seated problems that for years, for years, survived through the, you know, killing with their psychiatrists and so forth. And we are real grateful that this program gave me what I needed. But in here going along with this, I married this man. I love, I love the company. I love living out in the country of the nine things. And he also did consulting with this company. And sometimes he'd just go ahead and speak to the building of the mills. And they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they were going nine and so forth. And we didn't always live on the property. You know, we would live in hotels. And I just had the best things in life. Just the very best things in life. I was a company hostess. And the lad needs a lot of expense money to entertain and to buy the guests all the liquor and so forth. I had it so far, but I'll tell you, that wasn't for status. Certainly, my husband liked me to get home with the car. But I got And everything was going good except I drank too much sometimes. But I haven't made any scenes where it was real important, you know, for a while there. And I'll just tell you very briefly, we traveled a great deal. I was invited in with the presenters to go up to New York to the stockholders' meetings. And I was entertained by the men that had stock in the company. And they all, many of them, owned yachts and belonged to yacht clubs out of New York. And I liked it. I liked it. Yeah, country girls, more than a real fan of 400. We had a lot of land, but it was Depression time when I grew up. And not only money, but a lot of life. And, you know, and the stockholders, all seven of us were educated. We would pay. You know, we said that we could get as many degrees as we wanted, but we were on our own after that. I picked two because I didn't know what I wanted to do when I grew up. You know, I didn't know until I thought of what I really wanted to do. But, uh... Everything went well. And I made a good hostess for the company. I met people that I'd only read about in Wall Street journals. And I remember that when I was 23, I was entertaining Wendell Wilson. And, you know, and I was really so proud to know these people. And to see how many of them had, you know, had made it without any doubt in financial backing and so forth. And I got quite a few of them were tenor farmers, uh, firms. And I just, I'd better say, they were such wonderful people that I really enjoyed them. Some of them, you know, in bonds and diamonds in Africa and, uh, just charming people. And everything was pretty good company-wise. And so, one night, I had a little bit too much to drink. I'm playing the party, and it's a nice party at one of the better clubs in North Carolina. I'm sitting to the right of the chairman of the board, and I never have lost him. But I always been respectful to him, and so forth and so on. And I told him a silly little joke about the devaluation of the American Gala. And that man said to me that everybody in all of Dakota sitting there at the paper, and the people around her, that everybody could hear him. He said, Evelyn, that's my real name. I didn't know you had communist desire. But you don't say that to a drunken rebel. My husband had never heard me swear, but I stood up so the people all around could hear. And I pointed my finger at the chairman of the board so everybody would know who I was talking to. And I called him a son of a bitch. And my husband stood up and I said, sit down here, Dan Ray. And he said, sit down here, Dan Ray. I never knew that he stood up to seduce me or the chairman of the board. My husband had never heard me swear because it wasn't allowed in our home. I used those words once. My brother told me I remiged an old maid, and I didn't know what that remiging meant. And I had heard the men driving the Pebble called the Pebble son of a bitch get in there. And I thought that was swearing. So I just pulled off at my brother. And my brother told my mother, and she boxed my mouth out with live soap. So, you know, I just didn't do any swearing in my life, but that night I did. But I didn't stop at that. Everybody at the Pebble was against me. I forgot to tell you that. All of them stopped holding. And I didn't stop at just calling him a son of a bitch. I told him that my family was making this a fake kid. And I told him that this was a fake democracy. And this family was trying to get stories together. And it was cheap. And you know, some calls really real. On the way home, my husband said I called him everything but a sharecropper and a Christian. And I don't remember all of it. Thank God. On the way home, I told my husband, he said he was going to resign to make money. But my husband was a pretty good senior. And he was sick for life with this government. And I said, no way. I'm going to leave you because it's my fault. I'm going to leave you. I'm not going to let you resign. And he couldn't go to sleep because I insisted he pull out the truck, I mean the pack. And I knew I had to get it done while I had the witch in me because I wouldn't be able to function and make money. And he tried to get me to come to bed. I knew he couldn't. But he finally just pulled the steamer truck up to the closet. And he laid there in bed watching me. And he said every time, I called myself folding the clothes and packing. But what I actually was doing, I was no longer the clothes up. And as I tried to put them down in the steamer truck, I'd fall in on top of them. Because I continued to drink the rest of the dinner party. You know it. I'm an awfully girl. I called someone that my husband respected. I consulted with the company that was older than George. And he really respected him. And I told him what I'd done. And he said, Alabama, it's a day I'm showing you had to be dropped to do it. He says, I've wanted to do it ever since I've known him. And he said not to make a move. And I said, what happened? They never had anything but stag parties in that company until my husband died. Because they were so angry. And they couldn't insult him by not including his wife. So that's just one of the things that I do. My husband died a year and a week, about a year before I quit drinking. So I died suddenly of a heart attack. I was fortunately sober, taking Anabuse. And I asked my friends, a couple of my close friends, to see that I took the Anabuse, you know, a few days before the funeral. And, I was grateful that I was on it. The doctors had told me that, the doctors had told me that if I drank on top of it, it could make me so sick it could kill me. So sick that I couldn't drink and die alive. I drank on top of it, I think, by a can. But I waited until after the funeral to drink on top of it this time. I had been in a coma once. They didn't kill me, you know, but I'd been in a coma once from drinking on top of it. They told you to drink on top of it. I was two weeks. And how in the hell do you know in two weeks' time what I'm going to need to drink for now? I never did understand their logic. And, I drank on top of it, and that last year of my drinking was a very, very worse drinking. I've been in a lot of hospitals that didn't take the alcohol. I got to the point that I could give you symptoms that finally, I, I was in a hospital for like two months. And if I saw somebody brought in by ambulance, you know, and on a stretcher, and they got well enough, I wanted to know all the details. Because the hospital had got, wasn't quite sure, you know, when I saw. And I could give such good details of something that's huge, that they would send an ambulance for me. You know, and I've had some states where I don't even know if they were necessary or not. But I, I have over described those things. I'm not certain. But anyhow, I've been in a lot of hospitals that didn't take the alcohol. I treated for something else. A lot of them knew what they were doing, but they would not write alcohol on the chart. I have, I have been in St. John's Hospital in Santa Monica twice. And been in South Coast there. And had a psychiatrist. All the kind of internists, that area of town. I have been in showers dry. That was one of those drying out places where they had the great corral of a heart. And they gave up with the gallows and so forth. And they tried to give me pills. And I said to the doctor that I would get me test pills, and I wouldn't take one, and he says, how do you get sober? And I said, I'm just a doctor, so he gives me an ounce every six hours. And you see, you know, you could go into an abortion, you could be pleased and die. You know, you get that ounce every six hours if you didn't take the night-time pills. Now I never had an abortion. Never had, but you don't know when you're going to get them. And, so I had to arrange things, I had to arrange things like that. A man came in and asked, this was in California, I'd been shipped over by plane from Boulder City, because I'd been into Boulder City and the Las Vegas hotels, and it didn't look good for my husband. And so he sent me to this dry, and this fellow came in, he was sober, and he hadn't been sober too long, he wanted sober up the world. And he asked the doctor to come the next Tuesday because he took us to the North Hollywood group, to the beginners meeting, and first to raise our hands, and I raised my hand, and I decided then that I'd, I must get out of there to get me a bottle, this sweet doctor's going to let me die. And, I started out in their puff clothes, which means to go to an AA meeting. So I called Las Vegas, and they decided I did business there, called their manufacturer, and asked them to send me an understated navy blue suit to wear. And I said I had my navy blue hat, with a little veil, and my navy blue suit, and a white dress, and pearls, and I said, you just take out a suit, from the way I, I didn't tell her, I told all the friends, they're very important to me, and I didn't tell her, this alcoholic's anonymous. And in the week, I asked them to stop, and the man didn't want to stop, and he said, I'm not going to buy you a bottle. And I said, well I didn't ask you to. I said, stop and let me get out and get a bottle. And he said, I know your doctor took all of your money. And I said, are you a fool? Nobody ever takes all of my money. And he said, you're the doctor, who starts up your, I took your, and he said, well I didn't see how you hid it. And I said, simple enough, I hid it in my bra. I said, I also carry bottles there. But the reason I wear a lot of soles, and a lot of capes, I got in the habit, I feel there, even though I don't have to carry anything there. And, so he stopped, and I got $2.00, and some things happened at that meeting. Now that's my home group, and I hope you think you belong to the finest group in the world. But I have something to admit to you, if you don't, for God's sake don't go somewhere else and laugh yourself out. Stay with what you got. Stay with what you got, and make it better. So I think my Hollywood group is the finest group in the world. But that night, they did this strange thing. They had all these things on the wall, and they were like easy peasy. Well, I knew easy never did anything. I've done things the hard way. And then first thing's face, they said, I knew that you had to get the bottle before you could drink it. And that's what that motion is like. And just for the grace of God, I thought, oh my goodness, we're going to have hellfire damnation here. And I had been, you know, in small towns, I'm an Episcopalian now, in small towns, you know, we heard a lot of hellfire damnation in the pit meetings. And then it said, think, think, think. I don't think that could be inappropriate. Now the pastor told me it didn't apply to me. He let him do the thinking until I was able to say it. And I must tell y'all right now, there wasn't any women sober. There wasn't any women sober in Independence, Missouri. And I had four men's sponsors. And they had four lovely wives who made the call with them. And they took care of me when I didn't even want to be taken care of. And they saw that the other men left me alone too. And they were swell guys, just swell guys. But in them, my pastor told me, my spiritual pastor told me, think, think, think. Become labor in my service. That all you're going to need to think about is that first group would make me drunk. And not to take that first drink. And I don't think I can say it again in Lincoln Heights. And people laughed. And I thought maybe it was a club with a fan in LA that I didn't know about. And he said no one should be jailed for celibacy. And I thought, oh my God. If I'm being jailed, I'm going to get jailed for celibacy. And I didn't talk about it. And I wondered what kind of opinion he'd have and all those things. And then y'all, a million got out. And to over 300 people said that he had been in a several in a century. And I was so ashamed of him. I was so ashamed that he would fail that group. And I just thought, I'm going to get out of here forever. And I think I'm going to have to skip a lot of 74 years to have to spare my life. I've got to tell you this. That I married a man three and a half years later. Three and a half years sober. That had been in a several in a century. A possessed of a man. I was mad that he was killed a year and a week later. And I fear of a genius. I knew he was smart, but I never had any trouble keeping up with him, you know. And he was just one wonderful man who had a great deal in common with him. Just a great man. And he got him specifically in the same place I did. He wrote very bad checks. And his wife found him with just a bulletin. She told me after he died she never loved anybody but him. And his mother went back up trying to keep him out of trouble. And so they he didn't have to stay very long because I think they made some concessions because he was going to that alcoholic anonymous and had a very, very good attorney that had made him a PLC. Well, I don't think he did get very sick. And my husband's wife found some of them. And then after he died my father was dead. And my family covered him. I had four brothers and a father that covered my sick. And then the Ironman shot him. To my brother. And told him they were enabling me to stay drunk. And told him that as long as they would cover my sick that I, you know, I could keep writing them. They really were keeping me from getting sober. They were enablers. And do you know now if there are any kids covering my sick? And I'd let the children eat me exactly two. I think there's no cure for this. But I told the women that I got sober in El Anon that's called Family Presidium put some of their husbands covered the rest of them so I got sober. And I'm not quite sure that that was all the teacher wanted one day a husband that he would get the fly. And my kids got sober. And I got kicked over a thousand dollars. I got the Waldorf S.J. that got kicked over a thousand and told them that I didn't have the money to buy it. That wouldn't I cover it? And I said yes when I'm able to travel and go home. I'll give you my word of honor I was in the blackout in New York that last season. I don't remember being in the Waldorf. I was there in the square of peace. You know, I don't remember it. I don't remember it at all. I couldn't stand it. I remember the Waldorf because I stayed there before. But I don't have any recall that year. And my brother took the check. All of my checks. They called my brother and he said well why you calling me? He said she represented my company. And he said I wish she would know right now she doesn't represent me or the company. And he said that would cover the checks. And he said what did she say? And he said Robinson she said that she could find the keys to the vault and then sell it. Why couldn't she go and see if she had the most stocks or something she could sell and she covered. And he said I wouldn't say to a man of your caliber that she said she didn't like it. You know, Dr. Paul O. said that he thinks that I had a blackout that went into amnesia. You know, that some of them went into amnesia. I was leaving the I was talking to a man that I was having dinner with and he said we got a hurry. We were having a nice lunch. I thought you know a lot of drinks and everything. And I said what's our hurry? And he said we don't want to be late. We don't want to miss our train. I don't care where we're going. And just all of a sudden I said well couldn't we take a later one? And he said no that would make us too late to get our license in Miami to get there at the train station. I couldn't remember his name. I remember where I met him but I couldn't remember his name. And we had called a lady in Alabama and she knew his family. Old, old southern family. Episcopalian. Owned a hotel on Miami Beach. Just the first five people she'd ever met. And I didn't know the man's name. And I said if you are right and I got a lot of packing to do if you will excuse me I think I would just leave and call a cab and we would go to the hotel and stop packing because it would take years long to get there. And I said to that guy to take me as far out of a race from that hotel as he possibly could even without going in the ocean because I wanted to escape that man. I had gone to Connecticut to meet a man who wanted to know and he was to introduce me to the family. But he took a bottle of O'Connor and I threw a coke bottle across the room in front of his yellow mother you know inside you and he hit me in the head with it and killed him but it didn't work. And so that's the reason I'm in New York. That didn't work out too well. But you know we never gained any time on the set baseball and I knew the season was too short. I got these banks like me and they liked me when I first got there and his mother said I was a lovely southern belle but I want to tell you the belle had quit shining and I had to ask would somebody drive me to New York after I see that. You know I didn't wait for them to ask me to leave. I was to drink a little while. I was in the hospital in New York at that time but the doctor put me in look about an alcoholic's room that was the old town hospital that had been built near Dover. The teddy bear had his nose to say and people came from the inner group and they were supposed to be. And you know I didn't take a drink until after I had dinner with the person the doctor had called or they had called to sponsor me. And I went to the meeting with her because I thought it was only common courtesy to go to a meeting with somebody that had gotten her into hospital. And I was sitting off and on for a solid year without any desire to get crazy. I don't know why I went to the meeting. But I wanted to walk the trip. And I was in the hospital and folks that didn't get it for me they just didn't forget it. My brother hadn't met at an airport. My nephew met me as I fell down the you know, you didn't have the covered ramps in those days you had to get off on the field. My nephew, as I fell down the nation doctor had me wheeled out in a wheelchair and they were afraid they couldn't get me on so they talked to my brother and he said, well what you do you buy a pier and you rest it in a paper sock and when you get there you can walk your head up and put it on the seat you sit on and I guarantee you'll make those steps. And my nephew met me and took me to Spadania, Missouri to go. It wouldn't stop because they said, doctor give me a drink on the way I'd already be drunk they knew when I arrived. And took me to my brother's offices and they said that they were going to have to ask mother and daddy to have me incarcerated and declare I'd been capable of managing my own affairs. And I told them something about my brother and his business affairs and you know they were a few businessmen and they couldn't handle it. And they told me they didn't want me in their homes anymore because they didn't want their children to see their ass drunk. That they seemingly knew I was sick and let's keep it that way. And they said I embarrassed their wife when I went to places and social events that they did and to please not do that to their wives. And they told me they loved me but there's something with their lives and they told me they loved me and that's going to have to be done. Something was going to have to be done. Very shortly thereafter I had breast surgery. And you know I knew if it was malignant that it was self-inflicted. And I've had to leave to be expected each time I think alright the Bible could have done it. But anyhow what happened was it wasn't malignant and they kept me gas, built me up so I wouldn't ever have to drink again. God how many times I had been built up so I would never have to drink again. And what happened was that uh I went home believing that I would not drink again. The doctor told my brother that I wasn't going to die of cancer. That I was going to die of alcoholism. And I fully intended not to ever take another drink. The first time I had ever promised me I wouldn't. I don't think I need to have to tell you that when I got home I was drunk. And in that apartment by myself and with my own soul after having been with people for three solid weeks and I had not had anything brought into my soul. Nothing. Because I was so sure I could stay sober. I'd always believed when I was ready to quit I could. But you know I ordered a case of whiskey the first night I was at home. And I wasn't expecting company. And I thought I'd drink until I died. Until I had all of my friends. Until I wanted to drink. Until my family had me incarcerated. I knew I was going to have to do something. I didn't have it. Something happened. And none of those things happened. Obviously I didn't die. I was born again though and I'll tell you that in a few minutes. And I wasn't incarcerated. Instead I was freed from the bondage of alcohol and self. Well partially self. Since I've been in AA. And it's just a miracle. It's just a miracle. I drank. I didn't call anybody for help. They said that they saw no sign of my having eaten any food. They had stopped my refrigerator before I came home. Saw no sign of any food having been cooked or taken off of Ann's apartment. There's an empty bottle in the bed with me. I just slipped to bed and drank. And a woman called me I think at the end of the fifth day. And she said, and she asked me could she come and see me. And I said of course not. I'm getting dressed to go to work. Now folks I worked for my brother after my husband died for very short. They built an office on for me. So you know they thought if they could keep me busy maybe I wouldn't drink so much. But I hadn't been in that place of business or office in six months. But I am trying to get dressed to go to work. And I told her that that didn't need to be detained. And she assured me she wouldn't make me late to work. I found out later that it was seven o'clock in the night that I was destined to go to work. But it was winter time and you couldn't tell by looking out the window. And this woman came over and she took me to her home. And people like you came. And I told you that there were very few alcoholic women except in the larger cities then in that part of the country. And this woman begged me until I went home with her. And she called people and the wife of the alcoholic came with her husband. And they took turns sitting with me through the night. And I watched your faces. And I saw what I see on your faces the night. And I lay there all night long trying to think what that look was that I saw in your eyes. I knew that my countenance had looked like that at one time. And I knew I didn't look that way anymore. I didn't know me when I lived. I looked in the mirror anymore. And I thought I know now that self respect and human dignity that you had purpose in living and all of the good things that count. And I was so about them. And you know it's like being dead. It's just like being dead. And the next morning the people took care of my knees lifted me out of the bed when it was necessary and put me in the tub. And changed the sheets. You know those kind of things you do for drugs. And the next morning when Earl and his wife came over, Earl being nice the day he was their sponsor I said I won't forget Bubba. But Earl I think I'm gonna die this time. And this wasn't melodrama. I really thought so and Earl said honey I know you're a very very sick woman. And he said we're trying to find a place to put you there. There was no place to take an alcoholic woman. They couldn't get me back to New York because the planes were not running. And they couldn't get me back to California or someplace. And because all the airports were shut down they had to sit in the ramps. And they there were so few places that you could take an alcoholic woman. And Earl called a man named Walt in Independence, Missouri and he said go Walt and he said she's gonna die without help. And we talked to Dr. Nathan. These men are dead now so it's alright. You know who I'm talking about. That Dr. Nathan could help me. And all four of my men's sponsors died so incidentally and they were four of the nicest men I've ever known in my life. And they took me in a snow storm. And they stopped it in traffic and they told them they had to get through with me. And I was hallucinating. Smelling magnolias with the snow on the ground. On the way up. The men had to take me in head straight. And they took me back upstairs over an empty store. Now remember I'm just out of the Waldorf and the Pierre. They took me over an empty store upstairs close to the courthouse. The nearest thing they got in Independence, Missouri to Skid Row. Back of a little dirty club rim that had no shades at the windows. No rugs on the floor and the old sofas you know. And the winos laying down on the sofas there. And back of that they had rims for men. Where the men in the AA detoxified their brothers. And Walt told them they didn't take women because they had no women to take care of them. But Earl said but she's going to die. Walt she is going to die. Without help. And Walt said put her on the phone. And he told me what kind of place I was coming to. And I said Walt I want to get sober. More than I've ever wanted anything in my life. Because I think I'm going to die. And I want to die sober. And Walt said tell them to bring me up. And they took me in and had to lift me up those steps. And I found out later it was 12 steps to recovery. And I was up and actually walked with them. Because my first baby counted them as they were bringing her up. They got where they would take the women in too. Now you didn't pay to go there. He said just men in the AA they cared enough to detoxify their brothers. And they did it you know with a little whiskey every once in a while and some Burrell behind if it got bad. And they'd call a doctor in you know if your pulse rate became too high and so forth. And I'd love to tell you that everything just went well but it didn't. I went insane. Nobody could handle it except Walt. Walt had been just like me. They had found him in a jail in Kansas City, Kansas trying to kill himself in his cell. And praying for God that he could quit drinking. And then trying to kill himself. And this got me into hell. And I heard him this down the street to the judge. And Walt's wife was in talking to the judge about committing Walt. And he said he might see the judge. And the judge saw him privately. And he said that man in there ain't crazy. He's an alcoholic. And there's a doctor named Nathan here in town that knows what to do for him. Because he's sober. And he said, let me call him and let him come and see Walt. And the judge, walked over to Dr. Nathan and they took him to the basement of his doctor, the doctor's home. And people from A.A. in Kansas City, Kansas took care of this insane man. He was in the same maniacal condition that I was in. They called Dr. Nathan and he came in a snowstorm. He came twice a day. He was in the same country. Anywhere near of that awkward New York, California that knew what to do with an alcoholic in that condition. But the doctor there in town had been giving me, making me worse. And Dr. Nathan made the trip every day. But Walt would have to tell him over and over, me over and over and over that this is the man that saved his life and he loved this man. And would I please let the man do for me. The women could not take care of me. Because they were in danger. When you're in a maniacal condition like that, the doctor told Walt I could kill a man twice my size. Just not by a hand. Walt prayed aloud. This man sat in a reclining chair reclining chair five days a night with an insane woman. Now I don't know if he's ever done that or not. But I cried a day and night and I couldn't make it to 1224 hours. And I had to call for help. And they finally had to have her put in the state mental department. You know, in California. I just didn't have this. There was no courage, I guess, to go through with it any longer. And I cried. And Walt prayed. My family prayed. Eight groups that didn't know me prayed that I would be restored to sanity. And the obsession to grief would be removed. And at the end of this day, Walt told me that when the doctor left that the doctor said the prognosis was very bad. And he said, Alabama, we've got to do something. And he said, the doctor's done everything that medical science knows to do. He could put you in the hospital over there right now. But he'd have to put you in restraint. Because he can't take you in in that condition without it. And he said that we thought you'd be better off here. And I said, well, I'm not going to be here. And he said, but the doctor says that the medicine doesn't know anything else to do for you. And your family has prayed. And all these groups are praying. He said, I prayed every day. And he said, Walt, I said, Walt, what can I do? He said, I've got to do something. He said, could you pretend that God was polite? And that he doesn't come where he's uninvited by the host? And I said, I think so. And he said, well, you ask him to remove this. And for you to drink. And to restore you to sanity on a lifetime basis, the day at a time. And I said, Walt, you know I can't remember that much. Walt said, I know, honey. Just ask God to let you mean what you're going to repeat. And word for word I repeated that prayer after Walt. And in that sturdy bathroom that salesmen and I were using to get rubber in, I heard God say to me, don't be frightened of people. I heard God say to me, that you wouldn't hurt a thing. But I heard God say to me that I could be sober and I could be sane on a lifetime basis the day at a time. And folks, that wasn't even the miracle. The miracle was, I believed it. I believed it then and I have believed it every waking moment since. That I can be sober and I can be sane on a lifetime basis a day at a time. And then they ran and got Walt and said, she's gone totally insane. And I don't even know then by this time what they're saying. And he said, oh no, oh no. On the contrary, it's possibly the same issue she's ever been in her adult life. And day by day I'm getting better. And they let me go down there and we took another woman in and they told me a cop in and I sat in the room and my family got a nurse to come home with me and all those things and they said, please don't. Please don't. But we've just got to find someplace to be but let her stay close to us. She's awfully sick there. And they called my brother and they said what had happened was that there were so few women in AA and the wife of the alcoholic they had just been all the time away from home they could and that they were afraid that my family would not want them to stay up there with a house full of men. You know, there had been a woman sitting outside in the living room the mutiny room every night, every evening and the women came and took turns doing it except for the looks of things. And they said they would keep me there except for that. And they said people were just worn out the few volunteers they had. And they said we trusted you with our sister when she was drunk and you saved her life. We certainly can trust our sister with you when she's sober. And they said if you all would keep her if you all would keep her we would all be mighty proud. And they kept me there with those men and they loved me back to self-respect and human dignity. There was a man named John Cook who was a member of the Kansas City Council and John told me what a wonderful lady I was and he told his wife isn't she pretty? And that's what John and his wife gave to me. They made me feel that I was the lady. They introduced me one time he did when I was speaking and I'm going back to Wichita and speak pretty soon and that's the last time John introduced me with this convention in Winchester, Chicago. And he told them what a beautiful lady I was drunk or sober. And you know when people tell you how pretty you are and that you are a beautiful lady you want to become one. You want to become one. And I contradicted him once and he said I saw her when she was very very sick and she was still a lady. She was just a little insane. And for John and his wife gave me a lot of human dignity. The doctors say he saved my life medically and he also started for free giving me all kinds of vitamin shots. And I had terrible migraine headaches when I was drinking and the doctor told me the time was going to come when I wouldn't have any more migraine headaches. And my family my father told my family not to send me 18 years money for one small lady. And I was so sad. And they said we are going to send you all some money for keeping her. And I said no no. No no. She gets sober. She'll give what she can. Don't give her one p.m. money for a year. Because if she remains a parasite and then you might stay beside her. You might stay in too good a shape. I was the kind of drunk if I was in a dry state and couldn't find a bootlegger in a hurry I would start a plane. I would ask anybody that had the money. You know when you're checked in two hotels and owe the ball golf over a thousand dollars and don't even remember being there. And you're in the hostile part of that time. You know all of those things. I spent a lot of money. But what I found out was that my husband had become a chronic gambler and we had lived three years in Nevada. And I thought he gambled like I did lose 50 or so or 50 or 100 or something. My obsession was drinking. I'd sit down and play cards for a little while but never at the table with him. And I'd play a little blackjack but I didn't keep my interest long because I wanted to be out there amongst those people that were drinking. And I was and because they just fed me drinks but I, you know I could sit at any table in the house without playing and they never asked me to move with the line back of me. I understood it all when I got sober and found out how many thousands and thousands of dollars you know that these casinos had about them. I did crazy things like I got up on the station I never did ask George whether they asked me to come up or not. But with Dean Martin and his partner for the first time they appeared it was at a private hotel party and I was up on the station and I embarrassed my husband by doing those things. And but in here they told me my brother got me a job he said I had to work so my brother got me a job at the state of California, I mean of Missouri at the capital and my sponsors wouldn't let me take it and I said why and they said because we're taxpayers we don't want our money wasted. I wouldn't get a job after I got well enough they thought to be job hunting and you know what happened? I was working in a drug store a big one where they sold everything but you had to be a sales person there you know people didn't go around with the cards and kept drug companies for 76 cents a mile I did and do you know what my sponsor said? That I ought to pay those people to teach me to work That's what they said my family didn't send me any money my brother brought me a stack of bills this time and he told me that he thought I should write every creditor and tell them that I had been ill that I would take care of this when my faith was settled but in the meantime as soon as I was able to go to work I was going to send them token payments to show that I wanted to pay my bills and I said well what shall I tell them I've been suffering from if I've been ill so long and he said why don't you try alcohol ism and I wrote these letters and I would like to tell you I finished paying the bill five years there after and when my faith was settled but I never failed to send the token money I promise and my credit was not one particle not one particle every one of those people and those that I saw in person and when I go back to Missouri and go to the country clubs and everything they'll come over and whisper I've never known a woman like you and see it wasn't me it was my brother and you in AA and programs that was telling me how to conduct myself I made a mistake a few we call them sugar daddies in Alabama there was one that came along and he thought I was too nice to go to work a nice lady like me shouldn't have to and he had plenty of money for a boat driver I nearly got drunk I thought this over with my father and I nearly got drunk and I started praying that God wouldn't let me get drunk and I knew that that was worse in my opinion than anything I'd ever done drunk he had a wife I met her and liked her better than I did him you know he was just going to make things he just seemed to be such a nice man remember I'm still dangling I'm not trying to excuse myself but I'm glad I learned early on the program because I think it's just a matter of time and the same thing had happened to me after I'd been sober long I might have gotten drunk but I did forgive myself and I didn't talk to my doctors about it because I didn't feel that I had a right to tell these people I went to a minister and talked to him about it and I prayed and I didn't have a good feeling at all and I had the most wonderful thing happen after laying awake and I don't know whether I had just gone to sleep or what but I remembered the telling of something that happened either the incident or the telling of something that happened when I was a child it said that I got out of I ran down 14 steps off of our back porch and before Mother and Daddy got to me I was running in the path of the car as the black men were driving in from the pasture and their lead car was a Jersey and she was very ferocious because she had a cash in there she wanted to get to and they said I got right in the pathway of where I was coming in and they said I looked at the car as she was about to push and said you better not bother me I'm Jess Robinson's daughter and the car turned and walked away and the other car hollered the lead and the men's labor controlled the situation and I thought oh God how great how great it is all I've got to do is to know that you are my heavenly father and love you like I love my earthly father and I love you like I love my earthly father and I love you like I love my earthly father and I love you like I love my earthly father love you like I love my dead and let it be known that I'm your daughter just as I told the child and do you know everything was alright everything was alright after that I'm so grateful for the remembrance of that and since then I have trusted God just like I trusted my father except of course I know that it's the spiritual love and that God is faithful and I know that I'm not a fool and I know that I'm not a fool and I know that I'm not a fool and you know there is nothing he can't do my father helped me take my inventory because I was incapable and he had told me to write down my assets and I said I couldn't think of any and he said well I've noticed animals like you write it down and he had read me write down my assets and he had read me write down my assets and he helped me with my assets and he had me write down my liabilities and I said like what and he said like seeds and I said well I'm not going to write down my liabilities and I haven't stolen anything since I was a tiny child I stole some nickels and dimes off of my father and mother and mother you know when they put the chains down and he said Alabama when you went out with a married man you're beat I never had thought of it that way and all I wanted was an escort and I tried to explain I didn't like to go to the places I wanted to go you had to have an escort I just borrowed those men I didn't want them I just defied everything just all the way down the line everything and he went and said write down a lie and I said Walt I exaggerate sometimes to make it sound better but I really am not a lie I'm known for my integrity Walt said Alabama write down a lie if you're an alcoholic you are a lie and so he let me take my inventory and then he calls him the pitiful priest because he said I might be sorry someday that I took the part that he didn't take that if I took it with him and that he thought that he didn't know any woman really that he wanted me to take it with so how about calling him the pitiful priest that was interested in AA and take it with him and I did and I was able to tell about the money I owed the government you know and talking about all that stock I had to sell to pay my debts off and we bought the stock you know right at Goodbottom mining stock and everything and I talked to this minister and I felt better about it and he guided me through there and then I got this job and they told me I had to work for two I had to work for two years at the same place to have good recommendations but working for family or at company hostages where my husband was a manager that that wouldn't do and I went to work and I didn't like to go to work and I told Walt I didn't like to go to work and he said pretend you like to work Alabama and you put a smile on your face every morning and you ask God to let you keep it on your face and you be nice to those people and one day I'm going down the street and singing and you know I can't carry a tune and I'm so happy that I have a job and that I'm going to it that I'm singing about it and in seven months of running and five months of working in the store they made me manager of my department and then also that first year I went to citation what I had done with the department and so forth and Mr. Cash instead gave it to me and you know those fellows those fellows they damn and I talk about men I've always loved men I've always loved men but we just didn't have the will to do it and I was so lucky to have a man in the group to talk to and those men were great for me until I got in from the store at night and they started to take Alabama's inventory it was known as that and then they told me how I could handle the situation better and you know the nights came when I hadn't been rude to anybody and felt that I had done very well and then they asked me what I had to eat that day and if they felt I hadn't had enough proteins and I said you eat right so you can keep that job and if I didn't have enough proteins they said who has got enough money to pay for the steak and the rest of us will drink coffee and we'll join this meeting for a special service and you know this whole table of men would go with me and they'd tell me what happened at the meetings that I missed and I said they did it every night to take my inventory too but those men loved me and I know they loved me and they made me feel like I was a lovely lady and that I was okay and it was good to be in that environment where they felt like it and I'm so grateful I am so very grateful that they didn't have all these organizations that paid for alcoholics not to work I am so grateful to God I didn't know that was the softer supposedly easier way I am seeing people dying all around me all around me and I'm so grateful that they don't go out in this world and go back to work and they just become parasites and they have no self respect and human dignity and they drink time after time after time and then they can always go and get some SSI benefits and so forth and so on I love those kids down at the North Hollywood Clubhouse and I talk to them about it and I tell them we can't hold our heads high and we can't stay sober without human dignity and self respect and they just say just go out and get a job no matter what they're doing or how little they make that they should walk tall again I know I'm getting pretty warmed up about that but I don't like to see alcoholics die I don't like to and I am so grateful that my brothers and my family love me enough to do what they told me to do I've been married I told you to Jim and he died and was killed in an automobile accident but I never had to go through anything alone there were two men in the group that loved me enough that they sat up all night long talking to me and telling me that this poor me had gone far enough it was going to be pull me a drink if I didn't get out there and start working with other alcoholics again and the next day you know what I mean just happened to call me just happened to call me and I think that I put the girl in my house that she couldn't stay sober with her mother and daddy and she had a boyfriend that was out there still drinking and so I actually adopted these two kids and started working with them now Bakersfield is not Hollywood Bakersfield California I walked out in my road with those two men to the car and kissed them both goodbye at 7 o'clock in the morning and the neighbors were all looking as if I didn't give a damn because it saved my life they literally saved my life my dad died two months after I was sober my dad died two months after I was sober and you were right there with me all the way through it and you were right there with me all the way through it I've lost a brother and sister from alcoholism I've lost a brother and sister from alcoholism I have a sister that is but what my sister would say sober as long as two years she just couldn't make it beyond that it seemed and I have a sister that is sober now she did it through her church and I am proud to tell you that I have not interfered with it and she is as happy as I am happy and she lives as productive life as I live and you know there are other ways for other people but I like being sober in AA but I like being sober in AA I love being sober in AA my brother died uh there's an officer and a gentleman so they didn't put alcoholism they wrote damn kidney failure but they didn't write only sex certificates the liver had just deteriorated so from the drinking became the kidneys could not handle the poison you know and my mother dear thing that was raised in the South started telling people that our Evelyn her daughter was in AA and that she was sober she told people that she didn't even know I had a drinking problem because she felt that we could not stay quiet about this any longer because there was a way out because there was a way out because there was a way out there was a way out and she came and dissed me and when she went home she started detoxifying people herself and she was about 80 then you know she learned the secret of detoxification my family loved the fact that I'm in AA they loved my being sober and in ending I'd like to tell you that I have worked the program to the best of my ability I've never worked it to the best of my intellectual ability but I've done the best I could with the emotions combined with the intellect and I've done the best I could with the emotions combined with the intellect I was married I will tell you this I was married once on this program and I'm telling you for a reason AA and sex is not the basis for a good marriage you have to have more in common than that I know better now there are several other opportunities and I've just decided I'm old enough to make it alone I'm old enough to make it alone to make it alone I'm a man sober married to an Al-Anon and everything is great everything is great you don't come to have a home group a mutual home group and take your pretty cake please sober 30 now this coming week I believe when I get on but I've been through a lot of things since I've been sober but I've never had to go through any of the joys or any of the sorrows alone but I started wearing a halo when I was earlier in the program because I was being invited out to talk and so you can give an example if Alabama can get that well anybody can you know this is an horrible example and then I had just had this condemnation that was great you know from cats and so forth and so on just raising salaries and I went down to this pub one night the men were waiting there for me as usual they said come sit down I said I can't I've got to go upstairs and see the poor sick woman and I was wearing the halos that night and I don't know whether you've ever seen an alcoholic wear a halo or not well I hope you don't have the the most unbecoming especially on alcoholics they tune very readily and I think that's the poison that they take and I think that's the most unbecoming the toxic poison left from the whiskey and then they have a way of blinding us falling down and blinding us and that's the condition I was in that night when I told these boys that saw me win that I had to go upstairs and speak to this poor sick lady and I came down blinded and I said oh boys I am so glad I didn't go to the links for poor girl up there and I said I'm so glad I went upstairs with tea before I got here and Dick Owano said to me Alabama what she done you ain't sure and I said Dick she told every one of us the day it rained in this program as they were bringing her in that she just went the tea I had to whisper the words I couldn't say it and Dick looked at me with Al-anon like I and he pointed his finger at me and he said Alabama ain't you gonna ever get honest and I said Dick I don't even know what you're talking about he said I'm talking about self honesty Alabama self honesty I said Dick I still don't know what you're talking about and Dick said Alabama don't you know the only difference that you and that woman upstairs is that you didn't know you could sell it and besides you didn't need the money to to