Action of Step 1 Lives in Step 2 — Without It the Steps Are Mental Gymnastics – Vaughan Q.

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The sun may kiss the clear blue sky, and the rose may kiss the butterfly,
and the morning dew may kiss the grass, and you, my friend,
I consider you my friend.
It's an awesome responsibility to be here, because I am a Roman Catholic priest. In fact,
I am the only Roman Catholic priest who's really disturbed about all of the changes in the church.
I absolutely loved it when everything was in Latin. Nobody ever knew I had a drinking problem
until I tried to say mass in English, and that's when I got caught.
And that was very soon after I was ordained. Actually, it lasted 362 days,
and we don't want to go into all of that, but I did. I have, I think, six. I did medical school,
and then I went to the Obelisk for seven years. I have a whole ton of degrees after my name,
but the real postgraduate one is basket weaving and wallet making,
and playing in porno putty in a twitch farm down in Indiana, and a Latin academy,
of which I was...
I was their guest for 57 weeks.
No, not 28 days.
All right.
All right, I'd like you all to stand up and wake up, please, and just everybody get up and turn to the people closest to you
and introduce yourself,
and just talk, and wake up.
Hello, this is Gina.
Hello, you're in Alaska.
Oh, yeah.
How many years ago are you in Alaska?
15 years.
No, I think you're during Minnesota growing healthy?
Yes, that is why I have a hard time doing nothing.
What's your name?
Jean.
no okay all right you're lucky
this mic is not going to uh work on the house
if i'd it'd be impossible to expect me to stand can you hear me in the back
no this mic is not for uh but this mic is all right wow all right well it would really be neat
if uh everybody who is here now would get to know everybody uh by the end of the day it's kind of
been a big demand but really what we what we're talking about is
uh is breaking down walls and i might i'll talk a little bit about that
what the alcoholic person is is the person who is walled off all right and no matter how gregarious
the person may be or how uh joy of the party a joke teller life of the party all of those types
of things that we go on uh deep down at the unconscious level there is a great feeling of
being walled off
alone and so that's what we're going to start dealing with why uh are we or the gift of a.a
it is my firm belief that it is a great gift and it is also uh statistically i'm sure here is where
i did most of my work with detroit for every one of us who is here there are 35 other people who
are not as fortunate and continuing in the vortex
of their primary illness alcoholism which will lead to in well we call it organicity brain damage
or die a very premature death so but that's not what we want to talk about we're here to talk
about life and the gift of life and the opportunities we have and the blessings or you
know the real blessings of the program the people in it and the tools of the 12 step which guarantee
freedom
happiness peace and serenity page 83 and 84 in the big book and and go to the goals of why we're here
and how do we arrive at that is through the internalization of the steps uh and i uh for
those it is true you know that uh those are the guarantees this is my book as you can see
because it's so many times
I've been in since 1965
right
and working in the field
and so many times
people have come to me
and said
Father
I can't understand what happened
I'm the best 12 stepper in my group
and I went and I had a slip
and now he's half in the bag
and I say
well what do you mean
you're the best 12 stepper
well I work like heck
working with other alcoholics
and I say
well that's not the 12th step
well I
I
I
save drunks all over
I said
that's not the 12th step
well I
I carry them out
I said
that's a third of the 12th step
and I say
well now where's your big book
oh my big book
I gave it to my first pigeon
eight years ago
because he needed it
more than I did
and I said
well let's get the big book
and read the 12th step
so we turn to page 60
and I read the 12th step
and it says
having had a spiritual awakening
he goes
oh there you go
you know
you priests
and ministers
and men of the class
and counselors
oh you're going to start
pumping God down my name
and I don't want to hear
anything about God
and so many people
keep coming to me
and said
if I had heard anything about God
on the first time
I went to AA
I would have been out the door
in no time
but I really like AA
between page 58
and 103
and I said
I don't want to hear
anything about God
and then God is there
47 times
right
now I'm not here to
I want to talk about life
and about freedom
and about happiness
and about peace
and that's
you know
the internalization
of the steps
it is true that
you know
the fellowship of AA
is vitally important
if we're going to get rid
of this walled off feeling
and if we're going to
join the human race
and all of those things
but the fellowship
of AA
will not bring about
the profound
personality change
called psychic conversion
from worry
anger
self-pity
and depression
like
profile of the alcoholic
when in dealing with this
reading this book
I think it's
yeah it is in the fourth step
we'll talk about
the alcoholic's personality
or the alcoholic's
symptomatic problems
are
worry
anger
,
depression
and when I got it mixed up
the worry
anger
depression
yeah anger
and what we're talking about
is a negative vision
and I will get into
some of that
so what
we're talking about now
is the internalization
of the steps
nobody can do
your work
the bottom line
in deep
deep
here's some
heavy catholic theology
for you now
right
God
is not going to come down
and cook your breakfast
all right
there ain't no such thing
as a free lunch
right
now if we want to arrive at
what some of the gifts are
or the guarantees are
that comes through work
and no other way
and I think that's a good point
and I think that's a good point
and I can't emphasize
that enough
I don't want to
go into
statistics about
so many people
I've met
you know
not the people
that are here of course
believe that an AA
commitment means
I go to one meeting
a week
I sit in a smoke
filled room
I drink very stale
coffee
I eat a hard donut
and by darn
they better get me well
and at the end of it
they say
I tried AA
but it didn't work
for me
you know
and that's not the goal
of the program
yes
you know that certainly
if the alcohol
or other psychotropic
mood altering drugs
marijuana
all the pills
all of that type of stuff
does not get out of our
lifestyle
certainly there cannot be
any progress made at all
certainly not
but just by the fact
that we stop ingesting
any chemicals
then we have to start
doing the real work
about
what recovery is about
or
spiritual recovery
now when I say
spiritual
what I mean is
I'll talk about it
later too
but developing
the own solidarity
within yourself
so that you are
able to accept
the stranger
coming
as a bearer
of gifts
now that rolls off
my tongue pretty easy
it's kind of a
spine tingling phrase
but
what it does mean
is what is
our place
in the universe
and how we are
and how we are
and how we are
and how do we relate
to other people
so let's look
now
okay we go back
to my friend
who keeps saying
but I tried AA
and it didn't work
and I was the best
12 stepper in the group
and
I had a slip
and I can't understand
what happened
and
so we read it
oh he said
having had a slip
there you go
you're going to start
bible pumping me
and you're going to start
giving me all this
type of stuff
and that's not
what I'm here for
and all that type of stuff
and all that type of stuff
and it says
spiritual awakening
now what is
a spiritual awakening
you know
and everybody
you know
and I can pick on Catholics
because I'm one
they expect magic
right
so much of
a religious
upbringing
because of
the way
we might have been
envisioning it
which is not the real way
it's just tied up
with magic
let's pour a little water
in the baby's head
he won't go to limbo
I mean it's so ludicrous
you know
I mean what God
would do
God would create
a creature
in his own image
and likeness
to reflect back his love
and if we don't go
pour water on his head
he's going to limbo
right
and there's a whole bunch
of other stuff
in fact I'm sure
a lot of you have heard
the word hocus pocus
referring to magic
and those words
come from
the words
the priest used
in the words
of institution
when he's celebrating
Eucharist
hoc est
anum corpus meum
that's Latin
and that's where
that whole thing
comes from
hocus pocus
more magic
and we want to get
out of the magic
both individual magic
and group magic
and even AA magic
thinking that we just
have to hang around
meetings
and sit in coffee shops
till two o'clock
in the morning
staring drunk a lot
and we're going to
grow spiritually
it doesn't happen
that way
you know
and I can't
emphasize that enough
as a spiritual awakening
and right away
we want magic
we want
angel Gabriel
to come down
and with his
seventy-six
trombones
and going
dun dun dun dun dun
don't worry von
you'll never drink again
now I
myself
thought
that should have
happened
when I was
locked up
in Our Lady of Mercy
Twitch Farm Dyer
Indiana
in my honeymoon
jacket
one of those
crazy
hospital
uniforms
a dozen clothes
at the back
and you have to keep
walking
so
you're back to the wall
so you don't
smile at people
and
and there I was
with uh
two hundred psychotics
it was uh
one flew over
the cuckoo's nest
in real life
and I thought
after I had been there
three weeks
that
there I was
a young priest
only ordained a year
took me seven years
to get ordained
I kept looking around
for the magic
when is angel Gabriel
going to come down
and get me out of this place
and uh
to prove to me
that the will
that I'll never drink again
doesn't happen that way
and so
you know
what is it
a spiritual awakening
again
it is in the big book
on page five
five hundred and sixty nine
in in the back
and it'll talk about
spiritual experience
that's the one word
that was changed
from awakening
to experience
to get rid of that
magic type of thing
and William James
will talk about it
and he's the father
of American psychology
and what he's talking about
is
an educational
process
educational process
educare
Latin word
which means
to lead
out of a person
to lead
out of a person
a hierarchy
of values
which were
once there
that have gone
dead
dormant
asleep
non-operational
because
of the development
and continuation
of a primary illness
alcoholism
okay
to lead
out of a person
a hierarchy
of values
now
what am
what are we
talking about
there
we're talking
about self-worth
we're talking
about
self-worth
we're talking
about self-respect
we're talking
about dignity
we're talking
about joy
we're talking
about enthusiasm
we're talking
about commitment
to life
we're talking
about love
and we want
to get into
that one
that would be
we'll explain
some of those
concepts later
but we're
talking about
those internal
things which
are inside
a person
we're talking
about what really
constitutes
a human being
and what gives
them the motivation
or the enthusiasm
on it
to continue
being able
to celebrate
life
if there's
any a group
of people
who should
be able
to celebrate
life
you know
and not have
that perennial
funeral
going around
in their heart
all the time
you know
it should be
all of us
who are given
the opportunity
to be able
to have
that perennialization
of the steps
we're able
to be
to respond
not react
not react
against
not have
over
against
energy
of reacting
against
life
and situations
but be able
to respond
and have
you know
solutions
it doesn't mean
that everything
is going to be
a bowl of cherries
it doesn't mean
that it's euphoria
I'm sure
that it's
not
and then
ego boundaries
get snapped
back into shape
and the kind
of pink cloud
dissolves a little
bit
and then we
can learn
something
about
what the real
internalization
of the steps
are
and so
that
when we
talk about
the 12th step
what we're
talking about
is what
is the
spiritual
experience
which we
looking up into heaven, adoring God with his long white beard
and a pink cloud and a lot of flaky angels
drumming, Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna.
And they haven't talked to their wife and kid in six weeks.
Right?
And spend all night in the...
I'm on tape, so I'm being very careful of what I'm saying.
You're going to miss some of the nitty-gritty stuff.
Believe me.
So, all right.
So where's the joy?
You know, what's the purpose of going through recovery?
What's the purpose of going through the commitment to do all this work?
And the work is on yourself.
Nobody else.
Most of us spent most of our time pointing the finger.
Right?
That's somebody, of course, not realizing there's three fingers pointing back here.
And it was always somebody else's fault.
Or some other situation.
Now that, as the day gets on, we've got to realize that stops.
Right?
Right?
And I...
I have to take responsibility for my life.
Evil does exist.
Basic evil is when I project the responsibility of my behavior on somebody else.
How come it happens?
Oh, here we go.
You know, we've all done it.
I'm not saying that, you know, that we're going to be as pure as snow.
But...
Or that is not it at all.
We're humans.
And I will get into the shadow side of life.
And the redeemed side.
But you have to start realizing, you know, that...
I mean, I counsel an awful lot of people.
And it's...
And you know what he did?
You know what he did?
And they're on the edge of his...
Of their seat.
And they're perspiring.
And the emotional is just intense.
It's electricity all over the place.
And I go, holy to doodle.
When did that happen?
1986.
1986.
I go, well, it's 1994.
You know?
And we...
And so many...
So we don't come into therapy.
We don't come into AA, the word therapy, meaning anything that is good for a person.
We don't come in that, you know, just to become independently functional.
You know?
That's not what turns a young polite.
That's not what turns anybody's crank.
You know?
We come in for, you know, some real value.
Now, all of these steps were written in the past tense.
And that's not because it's grammatically proper.
That's not because, you know, it was the way that would be best expressing them.
They could have been written in many, many different ways.
But the point I'm trying to make with that is that the action of one is found in the following step.
And the action must be taken.
If the action is not taken, the step means nothing at all.
It's just mental gymnastics.
It is just verbosity.
And it is just sitting around talking about it.
And until that's internalized into the gut,
and until we work on it hard enough and change so that it comes into the unconscious level,
it is just always going to remain an intellectual ascent to doctrine, dogma, and definition.
And that is not where life is lived.
Life is not lived at intellectual ascent to doctrine, dogma, and definition.
Life is an emotional response, gut response, to situations in which we find ourselves.
And that's what basically what the AA program is all about.
Action is the magic word.
And when you hear these things so many times,
and, you know, okay, fine.
I can remember when I was a kid, I used to say,
when I was first in, Lord, all the sayings, all the slogans,
oh, my goodness, they were so trite, you know.
I mean, there I was with all these degrees in the nut house.
I mean, how could I let go of that thought?
I got degrees in oncology, you know, and epistemology.
Oh, my God, what's that mean, you know?
You see, and it's a head game.
And so now we've got to get down to say, okay, if we want to get something out of today,
it's, you know, it's kind of discard the brain,
and say, okay, what does, where am I with this step today?
What does this really, you know, motivate me to do today
so that I can work towards greater freedom, happiness, peace, and serenity?
Okay, the action of the first step is found in the second step.
The action of the second step is found in the third step.
The action of the third step is found in the fourth step.
The action of the fourth is found in the fifth step.
The action of the fifth step is found in the fourth step.
The action of the sixth step is found in the sixth step.
The action of the sixth step is found in the seventh step.
The action of the seventh is found in the eighth.
If he's going, the action of the eighth is found in the ninth.
The action of the ninth is found in the tenth.
The action of the tenth is found in the eleventh.
The action of the eleventh is found in the twelfth step.
And I have to go through that, you know, as monotonous as it might seem to you,
because once I presumed that everybody would understand if I said the action would find,
and then they say, well, Father Quinn says there's only six steps.
There are twelve, you know, twelve in that order.
Now, you know, if there's some people here, I don't want to be trite,
but who can't count from one to twelve, please see me.
You know, we have another place.
And if some people can't follow the order of one to twelve,
we need a little retraining.
Because, you know, we're all quite selective, all of us,
and sometimes we take the step we want, and we kind of hang on that one, right?
And so my first ten years in AA, I worked on step three.
And then the next ten years, I worked on step nine.
And then the next ten years, it's not the way that it is.
Well, we start at one, and when we finish one, we go to two.
And when we finish two, we go to three.
Now, it doesn't mean that once we've gone through that,
my own personal experience is that once it's been completed,
that you close the book on it, and you never have to, you know,
continue to look at the meaning of that step.
In this book, there are 45 pages, page 58 to page 103.
There they are.
Right?
If a person commits themselves, you know,
either be in AA, Al-Anon, Al-Ateen, 12-step groups,
to say, all right, this is how I'm going to live.
This will be the measuring stick.
We can absolutely guarantee that that person will not again, you know,
be troubled with alcohol,
the abuse of the...
the use of alcohol, the addiction of alcohol to the drug, right?
And that's absolutely...
Now, can you imagine if I went to the American Cancer Foundation and said,
well, I've got 45 pages, and people commit themselves to live by that,
they'll never die of cancer anymore.
We could most probably get a trillion dollars.
But here we are with the great problem of addictions in our society,
and they are...
and I'm not just talking alcoholism.
I don't want to go into statistics about how many car accidents
and more people are killed in car accidents through alcohol
than all of Vietnam, and on and on and on and on.
A goat? No.
No.
But, you know, for the number of us that continue to re-read
and to internalize, it is very, very low.
You know, the number of people in the program
who really get down to looking at that
and not looking at the fact that they're not going to live.
They're not going to live.
They're not going to live.
They're going to live.
They're not going to live.
They're not going to live.
They're not going to live.
Comparing is a very difficult problem.
When we come into Alcoholics Anonymous,
we compare all over the place,
and that's understandable,
because we're frightened, we're scared, we're disillusioned,
we're all those things which we pretend we're not.
We're trying to be bravado, and everything's going to be fine,
and we start comparing all over the place, right?
Am I better, worse, fatter, thinner, skinnier, taller, richer,
or poor, as bad, did I go to jail, did he go to, oh my God.
I spent 11 months in AA in the Nuthouse, really comfortable, because, you know, I really didn't
belong there because I'd never lost a wife.
So that made me very comfortable, you know, I was already, I didn't have to identify with
any of that stuff, you know, Lordy be.
So we always pick something which we don't have to identify, and we start comparing.
When we compare ourselves to other people, one individual to another individual in the
spiritual, in the spiritual life, we are losers, absolute losers, you know, and it gets tough.
You know, I don't, here, I'm not here to make friends, you know, and I'm not here to come
off looking like, and I'm not the authority in AA.
I,
I am not the spokesman for AA, but I am here with a very sacred response that knowing that
I'm dealing with life and death, and I'm dealing with your life and your death, and I don't
expect to be here, to stand here, and just be funny.
I like to, you know, if you want funny entertainment, we can, I can do that for hours, right?
But that's not why we're here.
This is very serious business.
Again, for every one of you that's here, the same applies, you know, there's so many
others out there saying, I don't need AA, and I can handle it myself, and I know what's
going to happen to them, you know, because I live in that life in the daytime, so that
there's work to be done, and there's, and it doesn't mean that, and it's going to be
ego stripping, yeah, and ego, ego reduction is one of the characteristics which definitely
must take place.
Now, some of it is going to be aware at the conscious level, majority of it is at totally
unconscious level, and if we can get behaviors going so that we're able to accept it, and
perhaps then we can work towards some type of real freedom, some type of real, when I
say solidarity within ourselves, I'm talking about self-love and appreciation of who we
are as creatures, right?
And that then all of the negative energy of being over and out of the world, all of the
negative energy, that again can subside and then we can get to doing something positive.
So we get to the first step, again there are 12, and we look at the first step, and the
first step is admitting we are alcoholics.
Now, to admit something and not make a decision about it is absolutely futile.
You know, there are tons of people I know, and have, since worked in things, and ever
been out on this planet, I don't think even long ago would they have this fear just that
since working in this field, which goes back to 1967,
tons who admit they're alcoholic
have not made the decision to do something about it,
and now they are in a situation
where they are no longer free to make that decision.
You follow what I'm saying?
Right?
We have an opportunity to make a decision.
Unless we internalize that and make a decision about that,
we've really got to do something about it ourselves.
Right?
And what that means is admitting the powerlessness over alcohol
and all other mood-altering drugs.
If we just say, oh, yeah, well, I'm an alcoholic,
and this is the way it is,
and continue to even go to AA meetings,
but continue to drink,
finally, that alcohol will strip the person
of any capacity to be free to make a decision.
And then we have organicity, brain damage, Korsakoff syndrome,
and ultimately whatever,
whatever,
the ends turn out to be brain damage and death.
And so there's an opportunity.
But that, again, comes upon
not by just thinking about it
or thinking about all the external things
that are going to happen,
but what are the real guts
of the challenge which is given to us.
The first step has to deal with
a positive acceptance
of our human condition
of alcoholism,
to work out our destiny
in this spot of toil
which has been given us to till.
Positive, creative acceptance.
And so we have to ask ourselves,
you know, is the fact that I'm an alcoholic
a positive, creative acceptance
in my situation that life is better
for me and for those who I am,
committed to?
Because so many of us might think that,
you know, the giving up of the alcohol,
to put it that way,
is some type of a negative influence,
so therefore I can't drink.
And there we go on with poor me, poor me, poor me, poor me.
All the other fathers in the Flying Father team
are drinking, I can't pour me.
He's saying that long enough,
and we end up saying, pour me another drink.
And that's not what it's about.
And so what we get into at the beginning,
is the four words that you have to get around
with the first step.
And one of them is the hitting bottom.
Then there is surrender.
Then there's ego deflation,
ego reduction,
and then there is humility.
Now, hitting bottom,
if hitting bottom is not followed by a surrender,
it brings about absolutely nothing.
Nothing at all.
Believe me, I've known magnificent people,
you know, who have come upon some hard times.
Right?
And they were drinking Sterno and Cat Heat,
and Aquavalva and Vitalis,
and Yardleys and Shaving Cream,
and Nail Polish Remover,
and Car Antifreeze,
and Solax,
and Paint Thinner,
and A1,
and Orange River.
What's the word?
Thunderbird.
Oh, they were fantastic characters.
They would say to me,
Father, give me a buck tonight
and a flop ticket,
because tomorrow night,
tomorrow in the daytime,
I'm going back to New York
to get my job back in the stock market.
I'd say, well, how long have the hard times been?
Oh, it's only nine years.
And what I'm, you know,
what I'm saying is the reality of the situation
of both overcoat on,
that's all we owned,
and of, you know, beard unshaven,
hair unkempt,
all of those things,
the impingable,
the ego was not even impinged at all,
not even scratched.
It was still very much his majesty,
the baby directing the universe.
Right?
That's a Freudian term,
and I'll get into that
when we start talking about,
about, you know, ego reduction.
But the hitting bottom has got nothing to do
with the drunkologues.
The hitting bottom has got nothing to do
with the horror stories.
And my goodness gracious,
when we are at AA meetings,
Al-Anon meetings,
12-step meetings,
yet identified by what has been going on,
what has stripped you up,
but for goodness sakes,
share with people how you're getting well.
That is so important.
You know, to realize,
so many young people,
some people are coming to AA
and they're told,
oh, you know,
I've spent more of my time
than you ever drank in your life.
That was actually told to me
when I was 31 years old.
Or, are you ever lucky
to have coming into AA when you're 18,
because you don't even know what pain is yet.
That's a horrible thing to say.
And another untenable statement is,
I know just how you feel.
I was there myself.
X number years ago.
Untenable statement.
Your feelings are your feelings
singularly to you,
and also to the other person.
You can never have,
you'll never have an original thought in your life.
Everything's already been thought out,
but your feelings are.
And for me,
as a counselor or priest or whatever,
to assume that I know exactly
how that person feels
just because I went through all of the trolls
and the anguish and rejection
and remorse of alcoholism
is totally invalid.
So when we start talking about hitting bottom,
it's got nothing to do with smashing fenders.
It's got nothing to do with living
in the disaffiliated communities of society.
Skid row.
Everybody always says that.
Well, until I get that bad,
you know,
and because I've been around that long,
I have heard, known,
and people said,
well, I'll never get that bad.
I would never drink Sterno
or I would never.
When the bankroll empties
and there is a bottle beside you in the bed,
if there's a bed, right?
And in that little can,
you know the remedy for pink polka dotted alligators
and turkeys with straw hats
and the Santa Fe train coming down the middle of the room
and all of a sudden,
all those free-floating anxieties
that are there in total horror
crawling under your skin.
And you know if you drink some of that stuff,
all that's going away,
you drink it.
Believe me.
You know, we all say,
well, I'm certainly not a skid row.
I'd never drink.
That's what we say now.
But stay in the throes of the vortex
of the disease of alcoholism
and not make a decision
to do something about it,
mainly the stopping of the injection
of alcohol and then the internalization
of a program of recovery.
That actually happens.
See, I'm not talking about
a little social situation here
or about unemployment
or about all those other things
we hear about all the time.
We're talking about life and death.
Right?
Very, very seriously.
And unless we make those decisions
and what our thinking is,
it needs a lot of revamping,
you know,
and to be able to be appreciative
and I'll end up talking about gratitude
because unless that silver thread of gratitude
is going through every alcoholic's life,
man, woman,
we end up, again,
demonstrating a response to life
that is over and again negative.
So we get to the first step
and it means the hitting bottom.
And what hitting bottom is
is brought to us by reality,
not by a priest,
not by a therapist,
not by, you know,
somebody talking to me,
not by any of those things.
It's when we can wake up to the fact
that reality is speaking very loud
and very clear
and the person has to accept
they cannot keep doing
the things they have been doing.
Sure, alcohol is one of them.
The ingestion of alcohol is one.
But how about manipulating people?
You know?
And all of those other types
of things, you know?
And that's when we start getting down to,
you know,
like every one of us who's alcoholic,
you know,
we can very easily win three Academy Awards
in one afternoon, you know?
And you know that as well as I do
if we have to, right?
If the heat's on
and we gotta do something
to get somebody else to agree,
we can play general bull moves,
we can, you know,
we can go through
all kinds of roles and acts,
you know,
and walk away saying,
we've done it again, right?
Yeah.
I mean, how many of us sit at the bar,
you know,
through all of this nonsensical thing,
you know,
and I mean the grandiosity,
you know,
and the big shot-ism
and how, you know,
how lucky the world is
to have us
graciating it with our presence, right?
They don't realize how fortunate they are,
you know?
And that's a little bit,
you know,
that's a lot to say.
Okay.
So the hitting bottom means,
you know,
that the pain comes,
yeah,
but the person is able,
you know,
reality speaks loud enough,
you know?
Because how many people we can,
we can start talking about
the hallmark of every illness of alcoholism,
of every addiction,
is denial.
Denial.
And that's there for a very good purpose,
and not reason,
but purpose.
When an alcoholic drinks,
the effects that are elicited
mentally,
chemically,
biologically,
pharmacologically,
in the alcohol,
it are very,
very different from the effects
that are elicited in the social drinker.
Now,
I don't know if you want the big lecture
on tetrahydroxyquinone,
but what is produced in the brain
is twice as addictive
than heroin.
Right?
And they've done all kinds of tests.
And very simply,
and I'll do it quickly,
you know,
oh, this,
I'm,
it says,
say,
that 80% of the,
this is 80%,
everybody who smokes is going to
definitely suffer the negative effects
of nicotine inhalation.
Everybody who drinks
does not suffer
the negative effects
of alcoholism.
Everybody who drinks
is not going to turn out
to be a chronic,
addictive,
compulsive,
uncontrolled drinker.
There are two very,
very distinct,
different pharmacological,
endocrinological responses
to the chemical alcohol.
Now,
I'm going to oversimplify
a lot of pharmacological gobbledygook
endocrinology stuff I did in,
after I went,
after,
see,
I made a mistake there, eh?
After they made sure
I got sober,
right?
See,
usually we say
after I got sober.
After I made a decision
to go get sober.
Check that one out
when you're thinking about it,
right?
I never made a decision.
Father Cousineau,
who has domestic jurisdiction
over me,
who says,
and that's where I go,
sat me down
and said,
you're going away.
And next week,
I was in a paper
honeymoon jacket,
right?
That's the reality of it.
That is the reality
of it.
That is the reality
of it.
That is the reality
of it.
To be honest,
1967,
June the 16th,
that was it,
right?
And,
and because I,
I,
I was just lucky enough
to be brand new,
and the heat was on,
what do we do
when the heat's on?
We join.
Don't worry,
honey,
I'm going away.
Hey,
don't,
don't throw me out,
don't leave.
No,
no,
no,
I'm going away,
eh?
Right?
Same thing.
I mean,
it's exactly
not what I had planned,
nor God had planned,
nor the Oblate Fathers,
nor anybody else.
So after they made sure
that I was put
in an environment
where I couldn't drink
anymore,
right?
And then we start
working on,
on some,
on some of these things.
They definitely said,
go,
go to AA.
And I said,
what?
Me?
What?
All these degrees
and all this stuff
and the Holy Org
of Ordnance,
you want me to go
to those bunch of
drunk people?
You want me to go
to those bunch of
drunks
and get help?
I said,
nurse.
This nurse was
talented,
believe me.
I'm a priest
and all I see
are souls,
but this soul
had played
defensive end
with the Chicago Bears
for nine years,
right?
And she said,
Felicita was her name.
Doctor,
why don't you
go to AA?
You have your mind
with me,
moi,
with all this stuff
that I know.
Ridiculous.
I think you better
break that.
Selfishness.
What's the next move?
How do I get out of here?
Next move.
Will this help me
get out of this nut house
if I go to the AA meeting?
Yes, it will,
but I'll go.
Right?
And I went
and I sat down
and there were about
12 people.
12 people
at the AA meeting
in the nut house,
right?
And so everybody's
an alcoholic.
I'm an alcoholic.
I'm an alcoholic.
I'm an alcoholic.
I'm an alcoholic.
Well, it comes around to me,
what am I going to do?
I'm an alcoholic.
You join.
Right?
Get the heat off.
Then,
because I talk funny
and before I was mature
I used to talk fast
and I said funny words
like out,
about,
and who's
and it's a comedy,
you know.
So I started giving AA talks
all over the place.
I was giving AA talks
in October.
Someone put this book
in my case.
Well, not this one
because this one's
relatively new.
And I said,
what's this book?
This book can't help me.
I've got a license
in philosophy.
So I put the book down.
All of the alcoholics
in that hospital
stayed there
for 14 days
and then they went out
and did some retraining
and some
re-investigations
and a little track history
and they were always
carried back in.
And they always
be carried back in
sideways
or draped over
somebody's shoulders
and, you know,
three months later
they kept coming back in
and three months later
guess who's still there?
And they'd look at me
and say,
Quinny,
you're still here.
You really must be sick.
Right?
So then I picked up
the book
and said,
how to get out
of the nut house.
Discharge
from the loony bin.
How to get out
of the nut house.
Discharge
from the loony bin.
How to get out
of the nut house.
How to get out
of the twitch farm.
It must be in here
someplace
but I'm missing.
And that's when
I started to read the book.
Naturally,
in the next six months
I rewrote it a few times
and that's the way it goes.
And so we start looking
at the hitting bottom,
okay?
Now I'm going to tell you
when it came to me,
11 months of therapy.
I mean,
that means hard.
I mean,
this was no,
you know,
sit around
and make phone calls.
No phone calls.
Nothing.
Nothing.
AA meetings every night.
A lot of meetings
every day.
11 months.
The doctor said
to me,
Father,
what are you going
to do
when you want
to drink?
Me?
Drink?
Hey doctor,
I got reinstated
as a priest.
I was suspended
which means
you can't say math,
okay?
I got my
faculties back
which means
I can celebrate
liturgy now.
And I went on.
I,
you know,
was able
to go to a church
and work
on the church
and I was able
to spend
the weekend,
you know?
I,
I,
I,
I,
I.
And what he said
to me is,
Father,
you have just
told me
you are
powerful
over alcohol.
Go back
and start
all over.
You haven't,
it's not funny.
This is 11 months.
This is a year.
You know,
that's why I joke
when the people say
I can't afford
28 days.
But what I had done
with the AA business,
sure,
yeah,
when the heat's on,
boy,
we're going to accept
everything.
Hey,
we're going to look
like the best little patient
they ever had
at the conscious level,
right?
But what I had done
with,
with the whole
internalization
of accepting
and the humility
and the ego deflation
is exactly the same thing
I had done
when I was in high school
and was the best
goaltender
in Montreal.
I never passed
an exam in high school
out of defiance.
I just kept going
to whatever school
I wanted to,
you know.
And then I went
right into a medical school
without any,
any report cards,
whatever.
And then I got into
the Oblate Fathers
where I was
for seven years
caught up with all these
little studious guys
from Louvain
and Rome
and Ireland
and Africa.
And so
what was the,
I never put
the bowling pads
on once
those seven years
unless there were
seven or eight hundred
people around,
right?
Really?
But the number one
drive then
was to come out
and be number one
all the time,
right?
And sure,
pulled it off,
right?
Now you come into AA
and you apply
the same unconscious
tool
that all we got to do
is whip this thing
into shape,
right?
Prove my superiority
over it,
prove my control
over it,
the doctor said
go back
and start all over.
Eleven months
of therapy
and I think it was
$2,500 a month,
you blow on the whole thing,
go back
and start all over.
And so
when we start looking
at hitting bottom
is to really
evaluate
and say,
okay,
what's reality
saying?
Yeah,
reality's saying
I absolutely
cannot touch
a drop of alcohol.
To this very day
I am as powerless
over alcohol,
well,
Lordy be,
I'm 28 years older.
And at that time
I spent 57 weeks
locked up
and if it's a progressive
illness,
if I touch alcohol again
no one's ever going
to see me ever
because I'll die
before they let me out.
And I ain't willing
to give up
in many hockey games
or short shoulders
or sailboats
or whatever.
There's too much life
to go on.
And so when we talk
about that is,
you know,
do we,
are we really able
to do that
and is that,
you know,
to look at the reality
because there's got
to be,
the looking at that,
you know,
all of the
horrible things
that went on
and say,
do we surrender
to it?
Do we surrender
to that fact
where there is
no more
fighting?
It's a lot
deeper
than acceptance.
Acceptance
still
leaves
an awful
lot
of the
person
in there.
Do we surrender
to the fact
that we're
absolutely
not
completely
defeated?
By who?
Our best friend.
When I go
through that
I know that
the business
of the 80%
of the drinkers
over here,
when they drink
too much,
it's a
depressant,
it's a
downer,
it's a
fall asleep,
it's a,
you know,
get sick
the next morning,
it's I'll never
do it again.
Look at us,
the 20%
of us,
what happens
when we drink?
An upper
produces
euphoria.
That wall
which I talk
about,
which we all
had and
still do
for a lot
of us,
that walls
us off
from the
west of
the world
dissolves
and we
become
kinship
with
everybody.
We are
the best
dancers,
can't
dance
a damn
dance
and try
to make
Fulton Sheen
look like
he had
a speech impediment
and everything
is magnificently
glorious.
Right?
And it is
fun and it
is stimulating
and we are
the best salesmen
and the best
lovers and the
best cooks
and the best
everything
and it's just
magnanimous.
And why
is that
happening
is because
of the size
of the cells
brain called tetrahydroisoquinoline which is very addictive and which is euphoria producing
and that goes on until the cellular tissue break down and that's when the funny ha-ha's turn into
the funny tragedies and utter catastrophes but the initial response is always worthy of being
repeated most of us here could sit down and tell us about our first experience with alcohol
because it was that impressionable on our brain i was 17 years old sitting in the kent tavern
with kenny reardon morris richard uh well bill durden wasn't there ray gedla kenny he's the
montreal canadian i mean this is more important than the pope if you're in montreal you're an
english-speaking guy in montreal you want reg you want to assume to the highest position in the
world it's the canadian
and there i was drinking quarts of molson's which were 40 cents for the court so i can remember
right with the big guys i mean this is better than heaven
i'm 60 now that was that that was 43 years ago and i can remember it like that
right because that's what was being produced
you
and then it went on when it got better and it got better and it got better
and then i joined the obelisks and for seven years didn't touch a drop and then i got back
and tried to catch up on my drinking and of course i was seven years older 40 pounds lighter
and the funny ha-ha's had changed into darn tragedies then the remorse came and all that
type of stuff but when i talk about surrender to that fact i'm talking about not just submission
the big problem is compliance
when we go through the out sternly go through all of the motions and we come to aa because
we know that no reality speaking and so we're going to submit ourselves to this discipline
right the energy that is coming out of our gut is still over and against
and we're going to comply and yes we'll do what they tell us complying knowing that motivation the
knowing that what's going on on the outside is everything is so magnificent
that I am so happy and if I keep coming to these meetings
I'll get my job back and I'll get my wife back
and I'll get my seniority back and I'll get all this.
But deep down inside it's compliance
which means we're verbalizing a whole bunch of nice terms
and a nice bunch of humility and all of that stuff
but inside we're steaming with hostility.
His Majesty, the baby got stopped.
And so we get stopped
but we don't surrender to that.
We say for a while
I work a lot of prisons
I can stand on my head for this sentence piece of cake.
And so there's no real surrender to it.
And the surrender comes only by doing a lot of action.
By doing a lot of action so that
what's at the conscious level
at that conscious level is all the nice things.
Oh I'm so happy I'm in AA and isn't it nice
and I don't have to have these philosophical discussions with the toilet bowl every morning
and I'm actually getting to work.
It's talk to me once every four or five months and it's really good.
And inside we're steaming with hostility.
Bastards.
Right?
Got stopped.
We're not accepting that.
We're nowhere near accepting powerlessness.
And unless we start working on that
and measuring that
we can go to AA meetings from now till doomsday
and we can go to every AA roundup and conference in the world
and unless we start doing that
we can't do it.
But internalizing these things
it's the same type of energy which over and again
it's the same type of fighting.
It's the same type of trying to claim our own superiority.
That doesn't always mean we have to be acting like General Bull Moose.
We can be Sally's seductors
and we can be all kinds of things
to get our way.
And when we really talk about the surrender to the fact
is surrendering to life.
It's not giving up.
No.
And it's not surrendering to negative stuff.
And it's not that.
And it's not just acceptance
because acceptance means I accept
but it's still an awful lot of I in it.
And when we talk about ego reduction
we're talking about getting the I out of it.
What am I talking about in ego reduction?
I'm talking about what the infantile ego is
even before it is born.
And what have we got?
We've got omnipotence.
We've got a very low tolerance to any type of frustration
and we have doing everything in a hurry.
Omnipotence means all powerful.
My wish is the world's command.
And when I express it
you better jump.
Right?
And that's the infantile ego.
And with what happens we see that
well, come on, how many of us at our adulthood
throw tantrum fits?
You know?
Little majesty the baby.
You know?
Somebody stepped in our ego
and it didn't go the way we wanted it.
We want to do very, very low tolerance to any type of frustration
if something doesn't go our way.
What I'm doing is, you know,
I'm sure a lot of you know a lot more about bringing up kids than I do.
But exactly what we're talking about is the very early stages.
When the child comes into the world for that first year
there is no separation between himself or herself and the rest of the world.
With his arm moves or her arm moves, the world is moving.
There is no separation between the child and the mother.
It's totally omnipotent, totally egocentric, totally narcissistic.
Narcissism.
Fancy word.
Psychiatrists use it on every drug.
What does it mean?
A guy or a gal having a love affair with themself
and they can't stand the object of their affection.
That's hell.
That is hell.
Walled off.
I'll get back to that walled off business, right?
From the rest of them.
We can be married and we can be father of a hundred kids
and we can be running big whatevers
and still be walled off.
And never get to know what the real promises of the program are.
So when we're talking about ego reduction
I'm not talking about going around saying
I'm a sewer, I'm a sewer, I'm a great big sewer.
I know, good, I know.
That is phony.
A lot of people have to have phony guilt
so that they don't have to do anything about it themself.
If I can get it into my head that I'm no good
then I don't have to change.
And what we're all about is change.
Every day of our life.
Right?
And that's a challenge.
And sometimes it's much easier to keep going to AA meetings
saying I'm the rottenest, I'm the dumbest, I'm the ugliest,
I'm the stupidest person in all of this group.
And everybody says, no George, you're not the stupidest.
You did get the grade two.
Remember, okay, fine.
Don't ever say, George, no, you're one of the stupidest people in this group.
Watch what happens.
Boom, right?
No, but what I say is a lot of people keep walking around
negative, negative, negative.
I'm no good, I'm no good, I'm no good, I'm no good, I'm no good.
You know what they're saying?
There is no supreme being to me that can forgive me.
Therefore, I don't have to change.
Therefore, I can keep going to AA 28 years later saying
no, I can not.
Back in 1964, I came through a window at Ruby Foo's nightclub.
Well, I did.
Woke up in a hospital where I had been saying mass two days before.
Nurse saying, Father, don't swear.
18 stitches in my head.
What in the name of God?
name of god has that got to do with january the 22nd 1994 right nothing but we can go through
life telling that funny and if i go through my drunk log with you we could have you all roaring
on the floor because just like everybody else in here i'd only tell you the funny things
the hypothalamus gland goes back into our brain to bring out the good things it doesn't go looking
for guilt shame remorse pain all of those things which were horribly excruciating you know and the
remorse oh my god the real hell of alcohol isn't it three o'clock in the morning the hypothalamus
is in order it's really the same and it goes back just looking for the good things so i'll tell you
about the funny things i'm coming through nightclub windows now oh fun right a riot three
o'clock in the morning you never do it at three in the afternoon no excitement right i mean if a
priest has got to come and get you why you don't get him to come and get you
four wait till four in the morning because then you really get some action going on
so ego deflation okay what we're talking about is deflating that part of the ego which is
self will run riot but that has to be so that we can reality speaks to us
right but it's not talking about deflating that part of the ego which we need for self-worth
for dignity for self-respect you know to be able to accept other people to be able
to love which is an extension of myself for the spiritual well-being of another person right
it's not saying i'm no good i'm terrible and bad that is not it that is phony it's false it's against
nature and it's against god didn't create you created every one of you and hold every one of us with the evil he will pressing his hell for the its original curse when he Egyptians you hate all enemies it's because they will do it too it will come and will make things better every time its unfortunate and put their heads together another day they will come and go there is nothing mistake on my part youang this is a plateau
you in the palm of his hand it says i love you i love you i love you i love you and so when we
talk about ego deflation what we're talking about is the infantile part the part that acts like the
infantile on that his majesty the baby i want what i want when i want it the rest of the world better
jump when i say so and dance to my tune and don't you realize how lucky you are to have me around
here and my god then we start going on this kick right and it can happen in a red light it can
happen when you're stopped at a red light you know a double red light that lasts for 30 seconds
right and all of a sudden we're acting like like idiots right when it's a simple little red light
and i and then we get into some you know interpersonal relationships and that type of
stuff oh my god no how could this person do this to me don't they know everything i've done for them
and we start going through all of that type of stuff but there's just that part of the ego but
because there's a lot of therapy which came out in the 60s namely synanon day pop which completely
destroyed people just yell at them and accuse them and make a lemon why are you doing with that you
know making all kinds of statements which were totally untenable and just crushing the person
down to zero all the time and they're just leaving them there like a pool of water right that's not
no no we're about freedom happiness peace and serenity which were measurable documentable
all these words which i use are are not pious puffballs in the sky they're measurable
documentable uh observable behavioral relationships in in with other people freedom
tenderness in the way i talk to
people touch people listen to people be present to people respond to people
it's measurable it's observable it's documentable right and freedom that's what it is right doesn't
mean that i can go slap happy all over the place doing what i want dancing down the street we all
did that when i was in the nutters you know we had a marvelous free time it's a little embarrassing
though and you guys would hit the baseball and run the third base
i said oh my god so when we talk about the first step there's two columns
i feel depressed i feel guilty i feel worried i feel unclean i feel ashamed
i feel pushed around i feel uh give me some more
powerless i feel unnecessary
loved, I feel ashamed, some are angry, I feel angry, I feel frustrated, irritated,
guilt, lonely, alone, walled off, nobody cares, nobody loves me, feel scared, isolation,
useless, useless, yep, yeah, attack, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, definitely, hopeless is a
good one, no hope, shame, shame, shame, guilt, you know, why did I waste my life,
and here we go,
let's spend the next 10 years trying to figure out why I waste life, if you're here trying to
figure out why you drank, waste of time, total waste of time, clinically I can show you all
kinds of things, that's not what we're trying to figure out, a lot of people go into therapy and
say, well, I've gone in to heal the inner child, and now I found out who I am, everything's going
to be okay, so now that I know what my problem is, I can drink again, no way, opposed to that column,
the other column is,
feeling at peace, feeling clean, feeling worthy, feeling love, feeling
enthusiastic, feeling joy-filled, feeling, give me some more, wholesome, whole, a sense of belonging,
a sense of belonging, useful, no really,
happy, free, wanted, alive, love, wanted, needed, and love, pardon, attached, hopeful, okay,
you got the sense of it, so I don't want you to raise hands now, or, or, you know, but which,
which column do you identify with most?
Is it the most transformational, the most real, or do you think you've got the greatest
question of you?
Not that they're static, not that they're going to be echoed in concrete forever, but you
have to say which, where, where am I with those things?
And if it's too much on the negative side, then it's the first step, if you want to know
where you are with the first step.
It's not drunk aloud, it's not the fact that you're not drinking or drugging, it's where
are you with this positive creative acceptance of life?
No? and how come if I miss over 28 years, and I still feel calm, I'll be fine, well, I mean,
it's 61auer what?
I don't have to hold myself down, just hold me down, hold me down, I'm grateful for what's possible this is?
feel isolated or unloved or you know they said the program's fault you know am i going to start
that business evil is blaming other people for things that come about in my life right
and so that there's a you know when we accept and surrender much deeper than acceptable
so we're able to start working on that so just you know keep those thoughts in your
head those two columns in your mind and say where am i with that what happens when somebody
doesn't do what i want them to do really what happens if someone's lived the lifestyle that
i don't approve of my judgmental anyway we were supposed to break for coffee about 10
minutes ago so we're drawn if we break now what time do we want to come back
that's
five to eleven we'll come back thank you very much
thank you for listening to sober sunrise if you enjoyed today's episode please give it
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