A Disease of Perception, the Only Person Not on My Side Was Me – Polly P.

About This Speaker Tape

Polly gives one of the most powerful women's AA talks you'll ever hear. She's funny, she's Southern, and she will break your heart. She calls herself a recovering alcoholic, drug addict, and recovering Southern Baptist — and she means all three. Her central message is that alcoholism is a disease of perception, and the only person who was never on her side was herself. Everyone else had always loved her. She just couldn't receive it.

Polly's story is not the typical drinking war story. She was an Air Force officer's wife who did her dying on the living room sofa, mixing Librium and Valium with alcohol, watching soap operas and listening to Joan Baez. She was pronounced dead on arrival in a Texas hospital after a suicide attempt. She went through treatment three times before it stuck. What finally changed was finding a Higher Power in the rooms — not the angry Baptist Higher Power she grew up with, but one that was deep within.

The most moving part of this tape is what happened with her family. Her son told her at 10 years that she was the big book he could not read. She sat in a therapist's office and listened to her boys describe what it was like having her for a mother — and instead of making excuses, she validated their pain. She and her husband lost their home in sobriety and learned that their receivers for love had been broken all along. Polly ends with the prayer that sums up everything AA gave her: I sought my brother, and I found all three.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Introduction — Polly is an alcoholic, grateful to be at this women's conference
• 1:44 Found Higher Power of her understanding in AA, not in the Baptist church
• 2:48 Disease of perception — Clancy's tape changed her life
• 4:49 The truth will set you free but it's apt to piss you off first
• 5:18 Old ideas from church: if you've thought it you've done it
• 6:02 AA showed her a Higher Power deep within, not angry Higher Power in the sky
• 7:10 Her name is Polly Pistol — learning to lighten up
• 8:30 Disease of perception — parents loved her but she couldn't feel it
• 10:00 An angry wimp: became the worst of both parents
• 12:00 Spiritual malady — nothing was ever enough
• 14:00 Controlled drinking as an Air Force wife — cocktail party torture
• 16:00 Progression: NyQuil, vanilla extract, crawling on garage floor
• 17:30 Pronounced dead on arrival after suicide attempt
• 19:30 Pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization — knew the problem was sobriety
• 22:00 Grace: a gift unearned
• 24:00 Back to basics — doing what she did in the beginning
• 26:00 The magic fourth column of inventory
• 28:00 Selfishness and self-centeredness is the root of the disease
• 30:00 Marriage: treat your husband like a newcomer
• 33:00 Lost the house in sobriety — learned to receive love
• 36:00 Son's story: Mom was the big book I could not read
• 40:00 Letting go of her other son to a Higher Power
• 42:00 Closing prayer: I sought my brother and I found all three