60% Liver Function and the Liter of Jager That Finished the Rest – Doug C.

Today's the speaker meeting. Before we begin, and I asked Mike to introduce their speaker, Doug, tonight. At the end of, after the meeting, we have two A.A. birthdays that we're going to acknowledge today. It's Frank, and I think that's why he had his car running, because he didn't want to be saying, he wanted to be pulled out of here real fast. It's Frank and Steve, so we're going to sing and blow candles and eat cake after the meeting. And, I think everybody's cell phones are off. I asked Mike to introduce our speaker tonight. Oh, me? Yeah, I'm Mike, I'm an alcoholic. Hey Mike. I've only known Doug for a little while. We'll drive him home, I'll bring him to the meetings and I'll bring him home. And on the way home one night, he says, Would you be my sister? I said, no, I'm not your sponsor. And I said, no. And he went, what? I said, no, I won't be your sponsor. I said, I'll be your friend. And the reason I don't be anybody's sponsor is, I'm not very good at it. And it's an honest program, and I'm not very good at it because I get angry real fast. Other people not doing what I tell them. But I'm sure none of you guys are like that. So I found through trial, tribulation, and a long enough time in the program to help people out. And at the same time it's very hard for me to ask people to help me out. So I get in a jam sometimes. My sobriety date is the 30th of January 1975. And you'd think by this time I'd know what the hell I was doing. But I'm an alcoholic. And sometimes I wasn't my own shit. I don't know what I'm doing. And it's bad for me. And I have to ask other people for help. Well, let's get back to Doug, because he's not about me. Doug's been in the program a while. He's very easy to be friendly. Plus he laughs at my jokes. So he can come in my car any time. Traveling you, my car, any time. Something nice about him? Yeah, he appreciates this program. He appreciates what he's got. And he has a good message at discussion meetings. And I'd like to hear a bit about him too. So, Doug. My name is Doug Coleman. And I am an alcoholic. Yeah, a little pause there. My sobriety date is December 4th, 2004, I think. And I'll tell you a little bit more about that a little bit later. My home group. Is this one. And my message this evening is supposed to be full of experience, strength, and hope. But I'm an alcoholic. So, I like to tell stories. I'm a storyteller. I'm an alcoholic. I'm a fantastic storyteller. But I could tell you the story about the 12-year-old kid who wore a big metal brace on his right foot. And a big brown leather boot. And was starved for affection and attention and acceptance. I could tell you that story. I could tell you the story. I could tell you the story. I could tell you the story of the kid that grew up without a dad. Because his dad realized that he was born with cerebral palsy. And realized he wasn't going to raise Johnny Football Star. And I could tell you about the kid who always wondered why. But I'm not going to tell you the story. But I'm not going to tell those stories. I'm going to tell you my story. Um. My dad was a raving alcoholic. My mother was the first of his seven wives. And I have a half-brother who lives in Manassas, Virginia named Brian that I haven't talked to in 20 years. Um. He left us when I was almost two. And a lot of things that I'm going to tell you this evening I've already shared in discussion meetings or 12 and 12s. Um. And that was a huge resentment. And I'm going to tell you a story. A huge resentment in my life. My mother tried to substitute different boyfriends, different men. But it never worked. She remarried when I was 13. To a man that I absolutely hated. Because he was a big disciplinarian. Um. But let me digress back to the first time I drank. Um. I think I was 12 or 13. And there's an advantage to being the cripple kid in a small town. Okay. Because nobody ever suspects the cripple kid doing anything wrong. So one night. Um. A bunch of us got together. Um. Well, three or four. And it was the town fair was going on. Doug, why don't you go steal us a beer? Well, how do I do that? Well, you take the beer and you stick it down your pants and you walk out of the store. Um. So I did. And then I was cool. I was accepted. And every night of that, every night for a week, I stole a beer. Just to hang out with these three or four people that thought I was cool because I could steal beer. Um. I remember on the, it's a very small town. Less than a mile. It's called Junior West Virginia. Um. And it's less than a mile from one end to the other. Um. And I can remember walking by the local convenience store. And this guy that I was with said, you know, Doug, you're so good at stealing beer, why don't you steal us some wine? So I went in and I stuck a bottle of white grape Mad Dog. Down my pants. And I walked out of the store. And me and this guy walking from the convenience store to my great grandmother's house. Me and this other guy drank that fifth. And that was wonderful. I was accepted. I was cool. Um. The next, well, I was probably 14 when I first tasted bourbon. And I knew from that first, that first little bit that, see, I believe that alcoholics have a choice. I also believe that alcoholics make bad decisions. Um. The only difference between me. Um. And any other alcoholic that ever drank anything. Is. Is alcoholics make bad decisions. I knew when I took a drink of bourbon that I would progress for the next 20 years. And have that love affair with that bourbon. I knew that. Um. I can remember. I'm trying not to spend a whole lot of time on my drink alone. If anybody can tell. I can remember. Uh. My locker mate in high school. His dad brewed shine. Um. I can remember him bringing a quart jar of shine and sitting it in the top of the locker. And us stealing every piece of fruit that we could find from the cafeteria to stick in that quart jar. And I remember him. I remember him. I remember him. I remember him. I remember him. In between classes. Um. Pop a cherry or a strawberry or a slice of banana. And go to class. Um. I was suspended twice in high school. Once because I vomited. In class. And not because. Not because I vomited. But because of what I had to do. I was suspended twice. Once because I vomited. In class. the vomit smelled like vodka. And I got suspended once for crawling to class. Which I later was arrested for. Crawling down Main Street. And the judge at the time in Bellington knew my family, knew who I was and I spent the night in jail and he charged me $15. And I'm like for drunken disorderly what? No, he said for being ugly in public. He charged me $15 for being ugly in public. And that's the only time that I was ever in jail. One night. I got married and had two children. And my girlfriend slash wife slash ex-wife had put up with an alcoholic father her whole life. And did not tolerate me very well at all. And I tried so hard tried so hard for my kids. Didn't know anything about AA. I tried so hard for my kids to not drink. But I'm an alcoholic. And left to my own devices I cannot not drink. Um, so when my kids were eight and six we got into a big argument and I said F you I'll go hurt me, watch this. Um, so I went to the local bar. And I was accepted at the bar. Which is something I'd searched for my whole life. Um, so I went to the local bar. And I was accepted at the bar. Which is something I'd searched for my whole life. Um, as long as I was buying drinks and as long as I was drinking and I didn't bother anybody and I didn't fight anybody. I was accepted. So I became a patron of that bar. Um, I'm gonna push forward to my bottom story. The night I hit bottom. Um, I worked for a nursing home. I was a certified nurses assistant. Um, and a drunk. One of my better friends outside the program used to be a charge nurse of mine. Her name is Tammy. And she still has hanging in her house a picture of me in uniform laying in a nursing home bed clutching a bottle of Lord Calvary. She'd say Doug, go home, you're drunk. Because I go to the bar, I'm not drunk. I'm a nurse. I'm a nurse. I'm a nurse. Because I go to the bar, and I drink. I get home at 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning. And 5.30 it was time to go to work. Um, Joyce will fire you if she catches you. I will tell her you are sick. Leave. And I'd go. Um, it was on my birthday. Here's where the December 4th, I think, comes in. Um, it was on my birthday. Here's where the December 4th, I think, comes in. Here's where the December 4th, I think, comes in. It was on my birthday, which is tomorrow, by the way. Um, November 11th, 2004. November 11th, 2004. Um, we got our Christmas Club checks. We got our Christmas Club checks. Along with paycheck. And my Christmas, I was putting $50 a week in my Christmas Club. my Christmas, I was putting $50 a week in my Christmas Club. So it came out to $1,093.43. So it came out to $1,093.43. So it came out to $1,093.43. Um, and before I walked across the parking lot to my apartment, because I drank myself out of a marriage, because I drank myself out of a marriage, Um, I walked down to the bank, cashed that check, walked back home. I don't drive. I haven't driven legally since I was 17 years old. I haven't driven legally since I was 17 years old. I haven't driven legally since I was 17 years old. Because I got drunk one night at a party and wrapped my 87 Dodge Omni around a telephone pole right at the corner of the state police barracks in Elkins, West Virginia. Um, They weren't happy with that either. They weren't happy with that either. Um, So I haven't legally driven since I was 17. So I haven't legally driven since I was 17. And thank God for that. Because I would have killed someone, killed myself, or both. I'm convinced. Um, But I cashed that check. So I had my paycheck cashed, my Christmas Club check cashed, my Christmas Club check cashed, and so roughly $1,500 in my pocket. and so roughly $1,500 in my pocket. My kids came home to me from school My kids came home to me from school. until their mother got off work. We had a blast. We had pizza, we played video games, we watched movies, until it was about quarter of seven. And, uh, It was time, it was a Wednesday night, it was time for me to get chit-chowed and shaved because Wednesday nights was karaoke at the bar. Um, so, I called the ex-wife, and I remember saying, Sarah is balling her head off. She wants to come home. She wants to come home. That was a lie. Sarah never said a word. Sarah's my daughter, by the way. Um, and would have lived with me if her mother would have let her. Um, and she never said a word. But I had to get them out of the house because I had to get ready to go to the bar. So I walked to the bar, Um, and ordered my usual three shots and a draft. And there was, there was a tip board, and there was a Lederer Jaeger gift set on the tip board. Had these cool double shot glasses. They were frosted. Had the stag on it. And I was like, I'm going to have to get on them. Um, and I said, Mrs., because that's what I call the bar, the lady that owned the bar, Mrs., how many tips are on that board? Fifty. How many are left? Forty-two. So I said, give me the rest of them. So, I, I got them for forty-two dollars. And I went to crack it open. Sitting at the bar. The lady said, Doug, you can't drink that in here. What the F do you mean I can't drink that in here? It's mine. Yeah, but I can't make any money off of it. If you want to drink it, drink it outside. Okay. It was probably no more than twenty steps from my barstool to the door. And in those twenty steps, and out the front door, I had chugged that liter of Jager straight down. Um, I remember, I can remember throwing it in the street and it shattered everywhere. And I went back in the bar and nobody bought another drink the rest of the night. Because I paid for all of it. Um, so, when I woke up in my front yard, laughter laughter the next morning, I don't really remember anything from the time I went back in the bar until I woke up in the yard. Um, because I'm a blackout drinker. Um, when I woke up in the front yard and went and laid down on my floor and went and laid down on my couch in my apartment, I called my mother, because I'm an only child. Mom, I'm sick. Call me off work. Doug, I called you off work last night. I knew what you were going to do with that money as soon as you got it. I knew what you were going to do. And my mother and my family had always asked me my whole life, since I was about 20, why can't you just stop? Why can't you just stop? Why can't you just stop? Put the plug, my papa said, Doug, put the plug in the jug and just leave it alone. Um, and I'd always say, I can't. I can't. I never have an answer for him. Never, ever. And the morning that I was talking to my mom, she said, Douglas, why can't you quit? And I said, Mom, I can't. I need help. I can't do it by myself. And I was bawling like a baby. And she said, what ends up happening is that any mother of an only child would say, baby, we'll get you help. Don't worry. Just don't drink. So, the next day, I went to Appalachian Community Health Center in my town, which was the local nut ward. And I talked to a gentleman named Mike H. Mike Hartlepool. He doesn't care. Who at that time had about 11 years in the program. Didn't know that. He recommended that I go to the branch of community health in Buckhannon and talk to a lady named Linda Mealy. So I did. She had about 16 years in the program at the time. And she suggested that I go to detox. So, I'm scared. I've said it before in meetings. Fear got me here. Fear in God. I'm scared because I know that if I go home, I'll drink. And I know that if I go to detox, it's a lockdown program and I won't drink. I can't. They won't let me. Um, so, kicking and screaming, bawling and crying, I walked through the doors of Fairmont General Hospital, B2 Behavioral Medicine. Locked down. Um, and spent, it was supposed to be 7 to 10 days to dry out. I spent 22 days in that building. Um, because I had the shakes. I would have the shakes so bad every morning before I'd go to work that I'd be like, I'd hit a couple shots at 5 30 in the morning. Um, when I got the shaking so bad I couldn't hold a shot glass, put it in a coffee cup. When I got the shaking so bad that I couldn't hold a coffee cup, I used a straw. Um, so I had these shakes for about 15 of those 20 days. And it was rough. It was hard. Um, every now and then, my good arm still shakes. And it just reminds me of what I could go back to at any time. Um, but they did an MRI when I was in detox. And the doctor told me, Doug, if you never take another drink in your life, you might regain success. And I said, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. But I said, I'm not going to do that. And the doctor said, you're doing 60% of your liver function. Um, and your bladder's messed up too. Um, so consequently, I go pee about every 30 minutes. Um, because alcohol has destroyed my liver and my bladder. No drinking. Introduced to AA. My first big book. I ripped the first page out of my first big book. The very first page. Because it said property of Fairmont General Hospital. I stole it. I stole my first big book. When it was time for me to leave after those 22 days, the fear came right back. The fear came right back because I knew that even though I went to a meeting every night for 22 days, which I went to with a bunch of people that were way worse off than me, I knew that if I left there and went home that I would drink. I knew that. So, the counselor there suggested rehab. So, I said, yes, rehab. So, I went to the ACT unit in Fairmont. I had terrific insurance because I had been a tenured employee at this nursing home. And I spent 28 days locked down again. Okay. And when we first met, we just got there. They said, you will make your bed every day. You will sleep to the floor. You will blah, blah, blah. You will go to six meetings a week. And when you go, you will be silent. You won't say a word. And you, if you're going to NA, two days a week. And AA, four days a week. When you go to AA, you address yourself as, my name is Doug and I'm an alcoholic. And when you go to NA, you address yourself as, my name is Doug and I am a drug addict. So, we did. First meeting I ever went to, the first real meeting, because the ones in detox didn't count because those people were way worse off than me. The first real meeting that I went to was a Monday night men's meeting at a halfway house, which is right across the parking lot from Fairmont General. Men's meeting, 30 people. There's 12 of us in the action. And it's going down the line. My name is so and so and I'm an alcoholic, when the share goes around. My name is so and so and I'm an alcoholic and I pass. My name is so and so and I'm an alcoholic, grateful to be here, I pass. I pass. I pass. Got to me at the end of the line, and I said, my name is Doug, my name is Doug and I'm an alcoholic and I think. I've been thinking. And I've been thinking, why would I want to be like any of you miserable sons of bitches? Now these are old timers, right? A lot of old timers, a few newbies, and us. And I just called 25 people sons of bitches. And nobody punched me. A couple people laughed, a lot of people smiled. And consequently, hindsight tells me that Ronald, Eugene, and little Danny are two of my best friends in this program. Today. When it was time, when it was time to leave the ACT unit, a couple days before I was going to be released, the counselor there suggested a halfway house, because I was going nuts. What am I going to do? Where am I going to go? I can't go home. She suggested a halfway house. I said, yes, a halfway house. What's a halfway house? What's a halfway house? And she proceeded to tell me that it was a place where you go to meetings and you live and you work on your sobriety. Okay, fine. She said, I'll have somebody down to interview you. And I said, okay, fine. I said, okay, fine. She said, I'll have somebody down to interview you. And I said, okay, fine. She said, okay. She said, okay, fine. And I said, okay, fine. So I got up in the hallway. I got a little? Unexpected? Un hypnosis history. And the counselor there, and I must've had like 20 or 30 guys in this, and couldn't really figure out what happened. fenders, and cowboy boots on the outside of his pants. And the little guy said, Boy, you're not ready. You still got drinking to do. And again, I stayed sober about 14 months just to piss him off, just to show him, You're not going to beat me. I'm done. Because I kept telling him, I'm done. I'm done. And the old man, who looked like Santa Claus in cowboy boots, said, I won't bullshit you. I won't tell you that a black horse is white because I know you like white horses. And I said to him right then, I need you to be my sponsor. Because I had learned about find somebody that you like what they have, find somebody that is going to kick your ass. And I said, I need you to be my sponsor. And he didn't say a word. They both walked out of that meeting, didn't tell me if I qualified for the halfway house. But on the day that I was released, he was there in a little crappy white man to pick me up. So from Fairmont to Buckhannon, West Virginia, and I've said this before, from Fairmont to Buckhannon, West Virginia, which is about 35 miles, me and him, my new sponsor, did the first three steps of this program. You're an alcoholic, ain't you, boy? Yes, sir. Your life's pretty unmanageable, ain't it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's not what I drink. You think God can help you with that? Probably. Well, don't you think it's time that you let him? Yes, sir. So after we had that conversation, turn to page 63 in this book. You got one of these? Yeah, I got one. Turn to page 63. 163. Now, about halfway down there is third step prayer. And I want you to read it. And I want you to say it. And when you say it, I want you to mean it. So I got down on my knees in the back of a crappy little white van headed to Buckhannon, West Virginia. And I read the third step prayer. And then I said the third step prayer. And there was no epiphany. There was no brilliant light that came over me. But I knew that I had accepted that I was not in control of my life. That somebody somewhere, God, if I wanted to call, if I wanted to call him that, wasn't in control of my life. Because I had done all this for the last 20 years. And I hadn't died. I hadn't been arrested. I hadn't been institutionalized. So somebody must be doing something. And I also realized when I got out of the van, and he said, now it's time to do some writing. And then I said to myself, man, you hook me up. And I figured, I got this done. But I came to the point. I finally got to my place and I'm getting on the train, and I see some of the other people and I was probably tired. And then I said no big things came over me. And I finally got off the train, and I was cleaning the van again. So, I stayed in the van. I worked my ass off. It really didn't have a good time. I was literally climbing up five steps, absolutely bonkers, not so bad at that. I'm a big guy. and once in a while you've got the estares, singing, yesterday, yesterday I had to dry my Mig wilderness. But then I thought, so this is good. And does anybody know do it this way, this way, and this way. Write down this, this, and this. Resentments, fears, and your manipulative behavior that had to do with women and people around you. So I wrote it down. It took me about two and a half weeks. And I cussed it. I cried at it. I went downstairs and I threw it down on the table and I said, I'm done with you, you son of a bitch. And he read it, about the first two paragraphs of it, and wadded it all up. Ten or twelve pages of it, and threw it at me. And said, this is not what I told you to write. Do it again. So I did. And I was going, my sponsor at the time was, I was the analytical alcoholic. My sponsor was a big stickler for 90 meetings in 90 days. And I took that as a challenge. And I finished, I can remember coming out of the meeting, it was snowing and blowing, and calling him on the cell phone and saying, I beat you. I beat you. I just finished my 90th meeting. It's day 67. And he said, well good. Good for you. Congratulations. And I said, now what? And he said, well that's easy. Now all you gotta do, is make a meeting a day. So, for how long? Is what I said. He said, nah, forever. Um, I said, fuck that. I'm not doing that. Ah, just go to a meeting tomorrow and talk about it. And if it's not going by tomorrow, take it to a meeting the next day and talk about it. Keep talking about it until it's gone. I did. Um, I fell in lust. Um, when I was first getting sober. Um, many, and I'm sure I'm not the only one, but I'm sure I'm not the only one, I'm sure I'm not the only one, I'm sure I'm not the only one, uh, that, my sponsor said, now, you can't be in love, you can't be in a relationship, but if your back itches, go ahead and scratch your back. So I did. And it was this, this woman that I worked with, and I ended up moving out of the halfway house after six months, and moving in with her. And I was like, I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. And, I was a CNA, and I've been a CNA for a very long time, and my back hurt, coming home from work one day. My back hurt. And, she said, well here, just take this. And handed me a couple of things that I'm not supposed to talk about, in my lead. And she said, you know, I'm not supposed to talk about this, in my lead. And, I dropped them on the floor, and I walked out of that apartment. And, I never looked back. For anybody in the program that's new, for anybody in the program that's new, for anybody in the program that's new, it's not easy, to be sober. It's really not. Anybody that says, easy does it, there's, I've always heard, easy does it, but do it. There's work to be done. I've been sitting here, I've been sitting here, through some meetings, and, and, um, when somebody picks up a chip, somebody asks them, how'd you do that? And they say, one day at a time. Um, hopefully, Lord willing, when I pick up my chip, in December, I'll tell that. Um, when somebody asks me, Doug, how'd you do that? I'm gonna say, I did what I was told. Um, the, the experiences, that I've had in this program, are, are vast. I've been from, here, from my hometown to here, and everywhere in between. Um, you can do anything, that you want, in this program. Anything. As long as you're willing, to take God with you. If you, go to church, go somewhere, that you don't want God to go, probably ought not go to that place. If you're doing something, that you don't want God to see you doing, probably ought not to do that. Um, I've rambled a lot. And, I digress. Um, I was sitting in a, in a conference, I was sitting in a conference, with five years sober, and I thought I had the tiger by the tail. Thought I knew it all. I didn't need this program anymore. And, when they would read, it was a speaker meeting, and when they would choose people to come up and read, um, somebody would say, my name is John, and I'm an alcoholic, my home group is this, my sobriety date is this, and then they'd read whatever was assigned to them to read. And that was all well and good. Until this little red-haired girl, who sounded like Charlie Brown, um, got up, and she was going to read more about alcoholism, and, she said, my name is so-and-so, my home group is this group, and my sobriety date, is yesterday. And I, I was just, I was baffled at that. And I went and ran into my sponsor, and I said, this little girl only has one day sober, and she's up there reading more about alcoholism. WTF? And he said, and he said, and he said, well, and consequently, um, I just, that conference was in February, and that's her sobriety date, and this past February she picked up two years. and this past February she picked up two years. Um, Trudge the road of happy destiny. That doesn't mean that you have to wade through two feet of shit. Um, to trudge means slow and deliberate pace. Um, and, we are sure, we are sure, we are sure, that God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. We don't think it, we don't, we don't THINK God wants us to be free. We don't wonder if God wants us to be free. We are sure, that God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. And at the bottom of that paragraph it says, So when trouble comes ... It doesn't say it might come. It's going to come when trouble comes. He says capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence. And he's talking about God. Without God, I am nothing. The seventh step prayer, abandon yourself to God. I'm trying in the next five minutes to hit all the high points. But it works. It's not easy. But it's worth it. If you want it bad enough. I have at my desk at work, I have a piece of paper and typed on that piece of paper, it says you have to want it more than you want to breathe. Don't put anything before this program except God. And I want to thank every person in this room for sitting here, listening to me ramble, for being here when I needed you. And just because you have a little bit of time, I want to thank you. And I want to thank you for being here today. Don't think that you can't get messed up in the mind. You get to where you're that sexual intellectual. Which is a flippin' know-it-all. And I spent 13 months, 13 months disconnected from this program at about three years. And over the course of all my life, I learned that, Proteation made my age, and you know, that does not mean that I would never lose my memento. I've got sipped my tea, or I've got nothing left in me for the rest of my life because I give up on the things that I feel I have to do. I was twice effectively not enough for the places I went. I can't give enough on theopsinecovered vérins, and that's what I began doing. And I'm looking forward to this next time. And AA brought me to God. And it's not been the easiest journey, but it's one that I was willing to take. And thank you for letting me speak. Thank you.