46 Years Old with Zero Self-Assessment — Fourth Step Was a Brutal Introduction to Myself – Alan H.

Let's have a meeting. All right. My name is Charlie, and I'm an alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speaker Meeting at the NAVA Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one or more years of sobriety tells his or her story. This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language, from their own point of view, the way they establish a relationship with God. This gives a fair cross-section of our membership and a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope that no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aagluchipspeakers.org desperately in need will hear our speaker and will believe that it's only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, Yes. All right. I'm one of them, too. I must have this thing. I have the honor of introducing the speaker tonight. And my name's Charlie. I'm now called from Gainesville, Georgia. And the reason I'm here is I wanted to take a sponsee to a meeting in Atlanta. So that's what we set out to do. The reason I came to NAVA Club is I know Tim. And I know Tim's lead. And I came to this meeting every Monday night for a summer, my first year of sobriety. It's an important meeting to me. So I get down here. I have no idea who the speaker is, male, female. Well, it's my friend from Gainesville, who I watched the Super Bowl with last night. Who we are in different groups and different clubhouses in our town. But we know each other. And I know a little bit about his story, but I don't know it all because we just see each other on occasion. So I'm really excited about this. And one thing I can say about Alan is we kind of have been sober about the same amount of time. I've been messing with it a little bit longer. But he is a perfect example of what happens when you grab the program by the horns and work it. I'm going to let him tell you the rest about what it's like now. I love when people come in and do it and I get to see the promises just happening in their life. Really showing me the program works. So without any further ado, my friend Alan. Thank you, Charlie. I'm Alan Hamilton. I don't mind giving you my last name because I'm a grape alcoholic. And I came about it the hard way. Thank you. I was beat up so bad I did grab the bull by the horns, man, because I knew I was in bad shape. My sobriety date is January the 8th, 2016. Grateful for that as well. My belly button birthday is November the 18th, 1969. I just want to read one thing from the doctor's opinion before we get started because this is exactly where I was the morning of January the 8th, 2016. There are many situations which arise out of the phenomenon of craving, which causes men to mix. It's a supreme sacrifice rather than continue to fight. And that's exactly where I was. Again, I'm Alan. I'm a grape alcoholic. I was born to a single mother in 1969, November 18th in the Habersham County Hospital Medical Center. We didn't live there. We were visiting relatives at the time. My mom went into labor. So from the rib, things weren't going as planned for me. So anyway, but she was a single mother. And she chose to be that because, from what I understand from aunts and uncles, things like that, my biological father was pretty abusive, so she decided to remove herself and me from that. Life went on. Childhood was, you know, really fun. The next few years were fun. As long as my mom was around, all we did was go visit other family members, basically, and hang out together, to the best I can recall. And then she started dating a man when I was three. And at four, we were a package deal, so she said, if you want what we've got, then you've got to bring Alan into the fold. And they decided that I would be adopted by my father. And he would be the only father that I knew. I finally did meet my biological father at the age of 45, but it was by chance meeting from other people, and neither of us wanted to. So it was kind of painful for the both of us. But not to go into too much to that. But at the age of four, my dad adopted me, gave me my name, and that was big for me. And with him came a lot of extended family. You know, he brought a lot of aunts, uncles, cousins, things like that. And one of my cousins was like a big brother and got me in every bit of trouble. I never got into when I was growing up. Of course, I'll tell you that I had a lot to do with that, too. And working the steps, I've come to realize I had a big part in it. So in any case, that extended family was cool. But I would develop a sense of not being accepted because my older cousin was the son that my dad wanted. He was damn good at everything, just like my dad. My dad was a natural. My dad was a natural. My dad was a natural. My dad was a natural. My dad was a natural athlete. Anything he touched, he was just a natural. Later on, we would play golf together. He quit for five years. I'd be playing three days a week. He'd pick up his golf clubs, come play, and beat the shit out of me. Pardon my language, but that's the way it went down. He was just a natural. Anyway, so Glenn, that was my cousin. He was like my bigger brother, but he was always better at everything than me. You know, football, basketball, fighting, wrestling, this and that. Later on in the 80s, I'm a product of the 80s, so we did some competition breakdancing. This is all I got. That's the extent of my breakdancing right there, but him and the group were doing all the windmills. I called myself the manager because I wasn't a very good dancer. I had some soul in my bowl, but I couldn't pull off the moves that they were pulling off. But anyway. Anyway, that sense of not being accepted had a lot to do with the absence of my biological father. There was always that question in the back of my mind. Why? Why didn't he want anything to do with me? Where is he? It was never really talked about. It was because we didn't want to aggravate my father, so we didn't want to bother him with that. So it just wasn't talked about. So I had to keep that bottled up inside. I would talk to my friends. I would talk to my friends and other kids my age about it. Later on, it would be a big part of mine and my dad's relationship because I would develop a hatred for him and him for me. Our relationship became very toxic in my adolescent years. We were cool there for a while, man. He introduced me to everything. He introduced me to my love for sports. I learned at a very early age. I loved every sport I could get my hands on. I wasn't very good at it. He even told me one time, he said, son, you're not a very good athlete. Why don't you just be an athletic supporter? So that kills him and gains him. I don't know. Anyway, I'll take a drink on that one. So anyway, I loved it. I just wasn't very good at it. I didn't get picked for a lot of the teams. It didn't really bother me so much at the time, but looking back on it, you know, um, it caused me to act out a lot. You know, class clown. You know, I'd do anything to basically try to make you like me, you know. It afforded me the opportunity to hang around with all the good athletes because of my cousin. And him being so good and being on all the football team, the wrestling team, you know, all that stuff. By default, I got to hang out with everybody else, you know, because he's like, this is my cousin, man. We're going to hang out together, you know. And so I was the funny guy, you know. Keep everybody in stitches. Do whatever stupid shit to keep everybody laughing. And that's the way I got by, man. That was my defense mechanism. You know, laugh at myself. Laugh at, make you laugh. Make everybody else laugh. Whatever it took. And about the age of nine, we went on a, my parents went camping almost every weekend with friends and stuff like that. But this weekend was going to be a guy's weekend. And it was just the dads and the sons. And it was a bunch of us. And I remember I was, he was going to give me my first beer, you know, a little Miller Pony. I'll never forget it. And me and my buddy Randy, you know, we sat there on the bumper of the truck. And, man, we thought we were grown men, you know. Just, I remember taking the first sip and how bad it tasted and everything, and then I just chugged the rest of it. So, it didn't really stick at that time because, of course, it was pretty hard for a nine-year-old to get a hold of alcohol. My parents didn't keep any alcohol. My mother was a devout Christian woman. And even when my dad was acting up, he couldn't act up at the house. So, he would stay gone for a couple days at a time, you know, because, you know, he knew my mother didn't put up with that stuff. And he would just stay gone and then come back before work Monday, you know, and start it again. But anyway, so fast forward a little bit, my early teenage years. I remember scoring some alcohol with a cousin on a beach trip. And, again, six pack of, this was the twelve ounce cans, and I drank every one of them. And all I remember is the next morning I woke up, I wet myself. So, twelve years old and had to go explain, you know, to my parents what had happened. And my dad knew, you know, he just kind of looked, shook his head. And my mom acted like she didn't know, which that's what my mom did. She was acting like everything was going to be okay. She acted like everything was okay, and she did the best she could, man. I got no resentment towards her whatsoever, and she's been a great mother, still is. So anyway, I kind of felt like that's kind of what I wanted to be, man, because I felt like that would give me the courage, you know, to make you guys like me and accept me for who I am, stuff like that. So I would continue to try to score alcohol, and about the age of 14, me and my cousin scored, again, through some athletes that we know, some of the older football players. We scored one, we got some golden grain, and he and I drank just about every bit of it. You know, a couple of my buddies took a couple of sips, and they were like normal people. They were like, man, this is, oh, thank you. But, of course, me and him, you know, we took it down. You know, I think we pretty much evenly split it, but we both were blackout drunk. He was naked running out on the highway and stuff, running in front of cars. I mean, you know, puking, just, it was the most awful thing, you know. Most normal people are like, you know, I don't ever want to do that again. But for some reason, I was like, yeah, we got to drink through that. Let's try to do this again. And so I did. That pretty much began my drinking career. I was a blackout drinker from day one, pretty much. Six-pack of Miller High Life. Like I said, I don't really remember much of anything. So, but what it did do for me is it gave me the courage to, you know, get into the girls and talk to them. It finally got me out of my shell. I was very attracted to women. And that was another way that I bought your friendship is I'd go talk to the females, you know. Everybody else, man, I can't go over there and talk. I can't talk to her, you know. And, man, I ain't worried about that. And so I'd be the one to go over when the lights were coming on at the club and, you know, walk away with somebody, you know, or try to walk away with some friends, too. And that's why everybody, man, we got to hang out with Al. You know, Al's the one that can, he's got the booze, the drugs, and the women. So it helped me with gaining everybody's what I thought was friendship. Musculastic career. It didn't last very long. I decided that I was more interested in partying and hanging out with my friends. My junior year, I skipped fifth through sixth period, fourth, fifth, and sixth period every day until my 17th birthday, I think. Yes. In November. Unnoticed. Nobody called. Nobody said anything. And then one day I talked my sister into skipping with me. And the phone rang. And it was our principal. And I could hear her say, no, he's not here. I haven't even seen him. I don't know where he is. And she just said, well, tell him when you see him not to come back to school. So I was asked not to come back to school nicely, I guess you could say. She was like, he's failing. You know, he's got no chance. Just tell him not to bother. And so I took her advice, and I did. And I would later go on to get my GED and go to college for a little bit. But that bored me, too. So I'll get into that in a minute. But when I was 17, I don't want to drunk-a-log. I don't like drunk-a-logging a lot. But there are some eye-opening moments in my drinking career that most people would go, man, I've got to quit drinking. So I do want to hit on that. One of them, I got my very first DUI when I was 17. And before I was due in court for that, to face the charges on that DUI, as if that wasn't enough, a friend of mine had a boyfriend. A brother. And we all played football together growing up and stuff like that. Me, Mike, and Ricky were all three real good friends. They were close in age. I think they were about a year and a half apart. Anyway, their parents were out of town. And that just meant a place to score the women and do some drinking, you know. And so we, as parents, didn't, this is kind of weird, they didn't really tell anybody where they were going. They just said, we're going to the mountains. And this is 1987, so no cell phones, no number. And they just said, we're going to the mountains. Me, your aunt, and your uncle, and all these other people. And we'll be back, you know, Monday. So we knew we had the house to ourselves, stuff like that. And so me and Mike, being the, you know, fascinated by women that we were, we went into town and got some girls to come back to the house. And by the time we got back to the house, Ricky had drank. Somehow, he had scored some liquor. He had already drank a half gallon of Evan. What? What? And he was halfway into another one. And he was a big dude. He was a really big guy. And he could hold his booze, but he's only 17 years old, too. So he was in the middle of a blackout. It was August. It was the middle of a hot summer. So he was in some Bermuda shorts, and he started playing with guns. And we took a shotgun away from him and tried to talk him, you know, he was just out of his head, trying to show off in front of the girls, you know, just being stupid, man, like us guys do. And we took a 12-gauge away from him. And then he'd come back down the hallway, and he had his dad's little .22 pistol in his shorts. And he pointed at Mike. He's like, it's not loaded. So he clicked. And, you know, screwing around, like, man, this is stupid. Like, Mike's where Charlie is. I'm over here on the couch with this girl. And he's sitting in his dad's recliner. He sits down and said, man, I'm telling you, it's not loaded. And pow, you know, shoots himself. He goes backwards. Then he goes forwards, falls on the floor. And I didn't really remember. I remember watching him fall. And I ran as fast as I could. And back to the bedroom and just buried my head in the pillow. And the girl I was with came back to me, and she was like, they need you. And I was like, I don't know, man, I just kind of had a moment of clarity there for a minute. And so I went in, and Ricky was laying on his back. And we started administering CPR. And Mike was on the phone with 911. And he started regurgitating, you know. And I thought, all right, man, maybe he's going to be okay. He's breathing, you know. And so they got him to the hospital. And we were at the hospital in the ER. And the nurse comes in, and she said, he's got no brain activity. He's brain dead. So that's it for him. Where are your parents? And nobody knew. So he was on life support until they finally got a hold of his parents. I share that to share this. When I got to court finally on that DUI that I got, I'll never forget telling the judge, man, I was like, I'm never drinking again. I just lost a friend because of this alcohol thing, and I'll never drink again. And it was no time, man. I was back off to the races. Fast forward a little bit. I started my career. I was knee-deep in student loan debt, man, so I had to go to work. My parents didn't have a lot of money. We had what we needed, but they didn't have enough money. And they didn't save for college, so I was kind of on my own. So I was knee-deep in student loan debt. I knew I had to go to work. So I started answering an ad in the paper for a counter sales position at this company in Gainesville. And I was working there about six weeks, and the boss comes up to me and he's like, man, you don't want to be behind that counter your whole life, do you? And I was like, hell no. And he said, well, go. Knock on some doors, man. See what you can do. So there started my career in sales. I've been in sales ever since. And I did okay at it. Pretty good at it. Met a girl that I had been attracted to while I was in college, but she had a boyfriend at the time. And when she came, moved back to Gainesville, she did not have a boyfriend at this time. So she was cutting hair while I was getting my hair cut. And I told Patty to, I said, hey, how about hooking me up? And we went out. She stood me up three times, or two times. The third time, I was like, that's it, man. I ain't putting up with this mess. I'm not into being stood up like that. So she showed up the third time, and we ended up getting married about a year and a half after that. We dated for a while. I didn't want to bore you with the details. Anyway, she had this really cool family. They were a very well-known family in Gainesville. And I thought, when I met them, I was like, shit, yeah, man, this is where it's at right here. They drank like I like to drink, but they were very successful people. And I was like, I've arrived, man. This is it. This is what I want to be. And they were the family that I never had. We didn't have big Christmases and stuff like that. I mean, it was just kind of intermediate family. And these people, man, when the holidays rolled around, they woke up celebrating. I mean, it was party time. And every excuse to party. To put it this way, my in-laws were Parrotheads. I don't know if any of you guys like Jimmy Buffett, but they were in the Parrothead Club. Basically, it's, I don't know. Listen to Jimmy Buffett and get drunk, I guess. I don't know. But anyway, they were my people. They were exactly what I wanted to be. It's just that I was a little different than them. They got up and went to work and stuff like that. And I did at the time, but later on in my drinking career. That would become tough for me. I got into the, I left the job where I started my sales career and kind of climbed the corporate ladder a little bit. I went to work for Georgia Pacific for a little while. And then that got me on with a packaging company, a local packaging company in Gainesville that was once owned by them. And I didn't like corporate America. Meetings about meetings about meetings. And I was like, man, I can't make it. I don't have any money in there to meet with you guys. You know, y'all aren't paying my bills. So I went to work with the packaging company when they bought the company back from Georgia Pacific Unisource. I saw a guy, one of the owners in the bar one night. I was like, man, I got to get back home and come back to y'all. You know, I need to come work for y'all. And he said, all right, let's meet. And so we did. And let me back up a little bit. Before that, 1997, the best day of my life happened. My wife at the time. She blessed me with a daughter. And that was besides my sobriety date. My sobriety date's a close second. But, man, I'm telling you, the day she was born, I don't think my feet touched the ground in the hospital. You know, my father-in-law was kind of making fun of me. He was like, man, you're just giddy, man, like a little schoolgirl. I was like, dude, you just don't understand. I am elated. I'm just overwhelmed with joy. You know? It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I would later go to break that little girl's heart several times when she became old enough to know what was going on. Anyway, so back to where we were. I'm working at the packaging company in sales, doing pretty good. And then the recession hit. And everybody's business kind of did a nosedive. Not everybody. Everybody still did okay. But what my ego didn't need is I landed a contract with one of the biggest retailers or the biggest retailer in North America. And I developed a product for them. And my product was in every single store in North America, Canada, Mexico. And so I was recession-proof all of a sudden. And I was like, at the time, I was like, I'm invincible. You know, this is great. You know, my ego, it's not what I needed, man. And in 2007, I got DUI number four. And my boss was like, you're going to quit drinking or you're fired, you know, basically. So I started going to – 2007 was my very first AA meeting. I met a guy by the name of Len. A buddy of mine I played tennis with. He's like – his name is Brandon. And we played tennis together. He's like, man, I've got to get my boss off my ass. I've got to quit drinking. You know, he's like, well, go to one of these AAs. You know, he's like, go to one of these AA meetings with me. And I was introduced to a fellow by the name of Len, the very first person I met in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'll continue to try to, you know, keep the drinking at bay and not let anybody else know that I'm still drinking. Everybody knew I had a problem. When I went and it was time to face the music on DUI number four, I had the DUI lawyer from down here in Gainesville, the best that money could buy, supposedly. And I called him up. I'd read an article in the paper about a court program that Hall County offered. And I was like, that's it. I've found a way to quit drinking. They're going to make me quit. And so I've got to quit, you know. And so I signed up. I told him, I was like, I want to sign up for this program. And he's like, they've got a short leash. I'm just letting you know. You screw up and they're not going to screw around with you. I was like, that's fine, man. I got this, you know. Pumping ego, man. That's what I had. And a lot of it. I can do anything I put my mind to. I walked in my first meeting of alcoholics and I just looked at the first step. And I was like, whatever, man. Powerless. Are you kidding me? That stuff almost killed me, man. Pride and ego just about killed me. Really, really close. That part I read about in the doctor's opinion is exactly where I would end up. Lots of white chips. In and out, in and out, in and out. And that program I signed up for, it's, you know, they were like, you can't have any kind of alcohol whatsoever. But what I thought they were saying, you can't have any kind of alcohol whatsoever except for Alan Hamilton. Because I strung together about eight months of white knuckle sobriety is what I call it. You know, that's all it was. It was just scared to drink. You know, basically scared of the consequences, scared of the trouble I'd get in, so on and so forth. Then, you know, I called him the devil on my shoulder, man. He was like, man, man, I'll catch you, man. You're better than that. Come on. You know, so the funny thing about it is they let me get away with it for about three months. I think I started drinking. I relapsed in March. And we went to court every other Thursday. And went to court one Thursday in June. And I didn't get called for the good group, you know. And I'm sitting there and I'm like, wow, this is kind of weird. Nobody knew where I was. I left work, you know. I'm just going to go to do my court thing real quick. I'll go home and catch up with everybody else later. And the solicitor said, Your Honor, we'd like to see Mr. Hamilton at the podium. And I was on my way up there and she started reading off. Your Honor, Mr. Hamilton has tested positive for alcohol 16 occasions. And we will be taking him into custody today. And I was like, damn. How did that happen? So they let me. They just were feeding me the rope to hang myself. Basically, it's what they did. But that's part of my story, man. That's part of my struggle. And I would continue to fight that fight my way for a long time. You know, try to manipulate the system and manipulate everybody around and get my people on the outside to do my business outside and from the inside. Because I started going to jail a lot. Finally, that big lucrative career that I had going, that five-year career, I was able to do it. I was able to do it. I was able to do it. I was able to do it. I was able to do it. I was able to do it. I was able to do it. I was able to do it. I was able to do it. I was able to do it. I was able to do it. I was able to do it. I was able to do it. I was able to do it. You know, established company and making all that good money and split-level ranch in the city that I'd always wanted since I was a little kid because I grew up in the country, you know. Gone, man. Gone. They were like, and they gave me every opportunity in the world, man, to get my stuff together. And I'm thankful for that. But finally, when you go away on a violation like that, they don't. have the opportunity to just stick you in there and not tell you when you're getting out, you know. So with no end in sight, they had to terminate me from work. So I was unemployed for the first time since 1992. This was 2010. And when they did finally let me out, again, manipulating the system, I found out a treatment program that I could go to that could get me out of there, at least get me on the outside. And so my fiancée at the time, man, I owe her so much. I can't say sorry enough to her. Sorry doesn't work with us anymore anyway, but she did. I kept her so busy on the outside, man. The heartbreaking that was going on to the people around me was unimaginable, but it's what we do to people, and I've worked hard on my amends. But in any case. In any case, as a result of all that, I would end up losing her. My relationship with my daughter was rocky at best. I mean, she would act like she's going to give me a hug and then sniff my breath, you know, see if I've been drinking, stuff like that. I'll never forget, man, I was in that program. I wasn't supposed to be drinking, and I had to left the door unlocked. And she was with her mother at the time. Her mother and I were divorced. And I heard somebody coming down the steps, and I'm sitting there drinking. My poison. My poison was 2-11 still reserved black, man. And it made me feel exactly like I wanted to feel for a minute. And I'm drinking one of those, and she just busted out in the tears and ran out of the house. I'll never forget it as long as I live. But anyway, that heartache would continue for quite some time. And I went back to work where I started my career. I ended up back there in 2011. And my. My ego, guys, was saying, okay, well, I'm going to go back to work here. I know I'm not going to make as much money, but I'm going to buy this company one day. I'm going to buy it, you know. It's going to be mine. But in the back of my mind, being real honest with y'all and everybody and me and everybody involved, I went back there to coast and drank myself to death. That's what I did. I knew I could get away with it. And they wouldn't do anything, and I could make just enough money to feed my drinking habit and pay some bills. And this and that. But that didn't happen. The four horsemen were at my door every morning, every single morning when I woke up. I didn't wake up. I shook out of bed, went and threw up for a little while and started drinking. That's the way I started my mornings from about, I'm going to guess, probably 14 on 2014. I left work. I spent the whole year of 2015 cursing AA and telling my. I want to get sober, I want to go to treatment, I want to do this, I want to do that, but I'm not going back to AA, man, not going back. They don't get me, I don't get them, I'm not in their clique, that's all it is, is a clique, you know. And the reason that is, looking back on that, is because I wasn't doing what y'all were doing, man, you know. I wasn't, I didn't even, I had a brand new big book because I wanted to look like I was doing this thing, you know. This thing until 2016, you see how it looks now. But when I came in. It was pristine. I mean, it looked brand new, but it's beat all the pieces now, but that's because I've been hard in it. But I left work the Wednesday before Thanksgiving in 2015. 14, I got DUI number 5 on my birthday, November the 18th. So I had that hanging over my head and couldn't figure out which treatment center, and I kept making excuses. I'll go. I'll go after pool season, you know, we sell pool supplies, and, you know, this and that, just one excuse after another. And I left work the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. I didn't come back until the first week in January. And I owe it to my higher power because my boss saw something there and was moved in a way that he saw fit to let me keep working there. But he's like, we're going to take all your accounts, you're going to make $10 an hour. And that's not bad. I'm just saying, I was the lowest paid person there at the company out of about 15 employees. And he's like, you're going to work in here, and you're going to get some help. And that Friday, January the 8th, that person I was telling you about in 2007, Lynn, walked in my office. A divine act of providence is the reading, this daily reflection from January the 9th, which was my first day of treatment. And that's exactly what it took for me, folks, was a divine act of providence. And that's exactly what it took for me, folks, was a divine act of providence. Lynn walked in my office that day. He wasn't there to see me. He was there on business. But I reached out for the hand of AA, and it was there. I told Lynn that I needed to talk to him. We went and sat in my boss's office, and he said, I'm not going to sugarcoat it, man. You look like shit. You're dying. Your eyes are orange. Your organs are swollen. I mean, they're basically hanging out of your body almost. I was in bad shape. I was in really, really bad shape. And he said, I'm going to be back here today at 5 o'clock, and you guys be ready to talk. And I said, all right. So 5 o'clock rolls around, and Lynn comes back, just promised. And I've known my boss since 1992, and I've never known him to ever make a split decision, ever. Sometimes it takes him up to a year to decide on something that's pretty simple. And I was supposed to work the next day, and he was going on a cruise the next week. And I was kind of... Running things inside the store. And Lynn said, I've found somewhere for you to go, but you've got to get medically detoxed. They're not going to take you if you can't get cleared from a medical professional. Now, when you get there, or when we get there, I don't know how long they're going to keep you. It may be tonight. You may be there through tomorrow. It may be next week. It may be two weeks. I don't know. But we're leaving right now. We're going to an A.I. meeting over at St. Luke Church at the Gainesville Classic Group. Very first place I ever went to a meeting. And we're going to detox, and we're going to go from there. Or you're not. I'm not calling you next week. It's not tomorrow. You're not calling anybody, you know, to come pick you up or nothing like that. It's now. We're walking out that door, and that's what we're doing. And the choice is yours. And I looked at my... I looked at my boss. I was like, what do you want me to do? He said, good luck. We'll figure it out. That's when I noticed something was different. The promises had already started coming true for me. There was hope. For the first time in my life, I walked out the doors, and I started booing, just crying uncontrollably, man. Just kind of doubled over. I didn't know what was going on at first. But looking back on that, I was mourning the loss of my mistress, my friend, my alcohol, my wife. My wife. My everything. That's all I thought about, morning, noon, and night. If I wasn't drinking, I was thinking about drinking for several years. That was my life. That's all that it consisted of. And given two gifts right then that I would never have... If you told me they were gifts at the time, I would have laughed at you. But I was given the gift of desperation and the gift of humility. And those two things saved my life. I laid down my guns. I ceased fighting everything, including alcohol, and myself. And I did what Lynn asked me to do, and that was go to a meeting, pick up a white shirt. They detoxed pretty quickly. Anyway, before I get to that, there's more to that Friday, man. My higher power, who am I to choose to call God, is he revealed himself many, many times that day. Lynn coming in. Then we get there. And my doctor, me and Lynn are kind of talking the lingo, because I've been to a bunch of AA meetings. I know the lingo. I just wasn't doing this thing. And he's like, so you're going into treatment. And I said, yes, sir, I am. And he said, well, congratulations. He goes, I got 10 years just the other day. And then the last nurse to check my vitals before they checked me out, she said, so you're going to treatment. And I said, yes, ma'am, I sure am. And she said, good luck. I just lost my brother to this disease six months ago. It's like God was going, this is what you get if you stay. This is what you get if you go. And that stuck with me, man. I'll never forget that as long as I live. It was too late for me to go to the treatment facility I was going to, so they allowed me to go to my mother's house. Guys, I woke up the next morning like I hadn't woken up. I didn't shake. I didn't shake. I didn't shake. I didn't go to my bed. I didn't convulse. I didn't go to the bathroom and throw up. I woke up peaceful, rested, free. It doesn't happen for everyone like this, but for me, guys, the desire to drink was lifted immediately. When I surrendered, there was no more desire to drink. There was no more craving of alcohol. Have I thought about it over these last four years? Absolutely. Absolutely. But the desire to drink was lifted for me. It took a long time, man. Nine years in between my first meeting and letting go, absolutely. But that's what it took, a defined act of providence. I had to be beaten into desperation, beaten into submission. But I got a great life now, man. I'm still with that company and earned a lot of business back. I've been out doing what I used to do when I was younger. Except this time, I'm doing it with no alcohol clouding my vision. And what I have found through working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous with a sponsor, that was another beautiful thing about the program, the treatment program. I've been to programs, man. My fourth DUI, I came down here to the charter to get out of court date. I almost got hung up in there because they couldn't get my blood pressure regulated. So many say that that craving was lifted. That's because of the detox medicine they gave you. I already had that. Man, I had that at Charter-Peachford. They couldn't get my blood pressure regulated. I wasn't ready. I didn't let go. But when I let go, I woke up unlike I had woken in a long time. But working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous was one of the first rules on the first page of the treatment program I went into. You've got to get a sponsor and you've got to work the 12 steps. You've got two weeks to get a sponsor. There are repercussions. So I did that. I was willing to do whatever it took to face over. I'd lived in the same town for 46 years of my life. And I'd rubbed elbows with some big people. But I didn't give two shits. Who saw me walk to work, take a cab to work, get out of a cab in town, pay for it with change that I'd saved up in a coffee can. I didn't care. It didn't matter anymore, man. I wanted to be sober. And working those 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous where it says our liquor was but a symptom. Boy, is that the truth. 46 years old. And having done no self-assessment whatsoever, my fourth step was pretty tough. It was pretty tough. And I had a very, very patient, loving sponsor to get me through it. That's what it took, man. All those meetings. I'd listen to these guys for years. Get a sponsor. Work the 12 steps. Go to 90 meetings. 90 days. It was all the simple stuff. And still, we've got this guy in our town still, Johnny. You always do what you've always done. You'll always give what you've always got. You know? Simple stuff. Stuff like that, man. You know? Those things stuck with me, but I didn't act on it. It's a program of action. Until I acted on it, I couldn't do this thing. I had to let go absolutely like it talks about in the readings. That daughter whose heart I broke has blessed me with a grand sign. And my living amends to her is to be the best. Because I guarantee you, if I wasn't walking this walk, she would not let me have anything. She would not let me have anything in the world to do with him. Because I may have hurt her, but she's not going to let me hurt him. So I'm grateful for that. Again, promises coming true. Everything has kind of gotten put back together. I owe so much to the program. I have a program with Alcoholics Anonymous, man. I can't say enough. It's given me a design for living that works in rough going. It's my blueprint for life that I've been looking for this whole time. And not only that, man, but it is the way I carry myself today. You know? The spiritual principles behind the 12 steps. Honesty, hope, faith, courage. You know, all of them. What gives me the greatest pleasure, I'm going to read this one more thing and I'm going to shut up. But it's from Dr. Bob's Nightmare. It's at the end. I'll spend a great deal of time passing on what I learned to others who want, need, and need it badly. I do it for four reasons. One, sense of duty. Two, it is a pleasure. Three, because in so doing, I'm paying my debt to the man, Lynn, who took time to pass it on to me. And four, because every time I do it, I take a little more insurance for myself against a possible slip. I'm honored to be here. Thank you very much. That's all I got. Thank you. Now, somebody's reading some chips. How's that, Ryan? Oh, yeah. Tinsley is going to do it tonight. Who are you? This is Tinsley. My name is Tinsley. I'm an alcoholic. Thanks so much for that story. I really got a lot out of it. I could relate to a lot of this stuff. And so much of what goes on here is identification, knowing I'm in the right place with the right people. Anyway, so here at this meeting, we have a chip system to mark our time away from our last drink. If you want to try this way of life one day at a time, we offer a white chip. Anybody want to pick up a white chip? After 30 days, we have a silver chip. We've got this one. I'm not sure what color that is. Is that gold, maybe? Bronze? For two months? Good stuff. All right. How about 90 days? Three months? Red chip? Six months, a yellow chip. Anybody got nine months? Green chip? Anybody got a birthday? One year or multiples? Anybody want to reconsider on a white chip? Free yourself. Take care of the chips you hold. And be cozy. If the river keep a rising, water gonna overflow. If that river keep a rising, flood water gonna overflow. Just like that old river, it's my time to go. The bank's got...