The Serenity Prayer That Taught Him He Couldn’t Change the Past – Norm A.

Thank you very much. That's the first time I've ever been introduced seven times and never got out of the chair. My name is Norm Alvey, and I'm an alcoholic. I was going to say Norm A, but what's the use? It's all gone. No, really, he is a miracle of the program Alcoholics Anonymous, and I didn't know Cliff, but I did know his sponsor. I didn' t know Lloyd very well. As a matter of fact, years ago, Lloyd and I had some conversation about it. He said, you know, the night that I sat down there and talked to old Billy, he said, you know I was going to go to the ball game, and we both agreed, maybe you should have, but he talked to Billy, you see, but he is a very fine friend, and it is a pleasure and a privilege to be able to be here and to share this podium with him, and he is the miracle of the program AlcoholicsAnonymous. And at this time, I'd surely like to thank the committee for the opportunity to be here. This is one of the highlights of my life with this meeting tonight. It's the first time that I can ever remember in a long, long time, you know, standing and looking out at guys with 20 years of sobriety and reflecting real quickly what it meant to them and what it mean to me. And I can't explain it. I got so very choked up I didn't know whether I was even going to be able to make it tonight. But it was an experience that I feel is one of the highlights of my sobriety, to be able to sit here and have a convention dedicated to people that have been around 20 years. It may not mean a lot to a lot of people, but it surely means a lot for me, and I'm sure that the other folks that are out there, it means the same to them. And again, I want from the bottom of my heart to thank the committee for the opportunity to be here. I want to thank Shirley for the opportunities for calling me and asking me and for the committee in general, for Harold, who is oneof the finest chairmen that I've ever met. He's the guy that puts them letters right out when you need it. and also for the marvelous hospitality we've received since we've been here from Buddy and from Sheila. And I want to thank you very much for this very fine opportunity. And I wanted to say welcome to all of the new people that are here tonight for your first, second, or third meeting in Alcoholics Anonymous, their first couple of weeks. They're like we're going through out in L.A. We're going to do that business, you know, the first 30 days in A.A., will everybody stand up? You know, that's a hell of a note. You know how the Alkies got to stand up for 30 days and everybody stands there and stares at them, you knows. All the new folks, they're all the same. All the old people, it's a wonder we're getting anybody anymore. But to all of the new people that are here, why, we sure are happy to have you. And if you will tonight, why try to keep an open mind. And what you can use, why take it with you. What you can't use, kick it out of the chair and leave it there. Hell, we got over 800 meetings a week out there in Southern California. If you can find enough here in Texas, you can come on out here. But I'm sure you've got a lot of meetings here in Texas which gives you an opportunity to get out and get around to a lot meetings before you make any decisions about your alcoholism. I am sure you're aware of the fact that you've now associated yourself with one of the most popular, unpopular fellowships in the world. You know, nobody begins his life wanting to become an alcoholic, you know, enjoying Alcoholics Anonymous. You know? I didn't. I didn' have a hell of a lot of class to it, you know? Being a member of AA, had no status. I didn''t run around the city and tell everybody, you know?, I'm a 32nd degree alcoholic. Got a new pin here, you kno? But one thing that we can say for sure is that if you've got a drinking problem, you never have to take another drink again if you don't want to. So what you're going to find here in Alcoholics Anonymous is a group of people who will know most everything about you, who will still accept you, who are not necessarily interested in where you've been or where you're trying to go, but were damned interested in what you try to do today. And as an alcoholic, you know, that's a break right off the top, because, man, when I was out there drinking, nobody was interested in me unless they heard I was going to jail or leaving town. Then they were delighted over that, you don't... Other than that, they really didn't care. People used to say to my wife, you knows, where's Norm? Well, he's down in Big Spring, Texas. He's been there for three months. Isn't that marvelous, you now? Well, if you're new, this kind of changes. You come on in here and tonight you'll meet a group of people that really care about you. That if you want to do something about that drinking, all you've got to do is use that nickel therapy they told me about when I came into the program. You pick up that telephone and you make that phone call and people get down there to see you. And they sit there and they talk to you, not with that pity and hate that you've been used to all your life, but they sit THERE with compassion and with understanding. They're folks from Alcoholics Anonymous, and that's got to be the best deal I ever had in my life. And I'm a guy that looked half the world trying to find the best deals, you see. And I didn't find it until I got here, until I was subjected to this great group of people who were going to know all these things about me and would still accept me for exactly what I was trying to be today, no more, no less. In qualification for the benefit of the new people that are here tonight, I'm an alcoholic, and I'm not by any stretch of the imagination, an authority, a consultant or a counselor on the program Alcoholics Adonis. I'm an example, good or bad, that AA works. That it has been necessary for me to take a drink, steal anything, and go to jail now for over 21 years. I'm sure that nobody out there tonight was really overly impressed with that statement I just made. And I can tell. But I... I'm impressed, you see, and that's really all that's important is the very healthy program. Not only that, hell, you never know, we may get a pension program going here. And if we ever do, I want to get good for all my time, and so do my other 20-year friends out there, you sees. Now, we bring it up every time we have the opportunity. But if you're new, I'm sure you find this pretty difficult to digest. You know, you see some people around here and I with 20 years plus around the program. You think, my God, that's a lifetime. And now I can sympathize with that. As a matter of fact, you feel that's virtually impossible. It hasn't been that long ago that I don't remember sitting there in that first AA meeting and I'm 29 years old and a guy stands up in front of the group that died and he said, I have not had a drink for nine and a half years and I thought he's the biggest liar I've ever heard, you know. Now, how in the hell can a guy cut it out there in that rotten jungle for nine and a half years? Meets his responsibilities, deals with all these rotten people, and he doesn't seek a hooker from time to time. And he's been cutting that for nine and a halve years. I couldn't believe it. If he'd have said he'd been making it out there for nine months, I'd have gone up to him after the meeting and said, the hell you have, man. How'd you do that? You know, I could understand nine months but I couldn' t understand nine and a halved years. And I didn' t hear him make a statement that he'd be making it one day at a time. And for the benefit of all the new people that are here tonight, and I'm sure that all of the gentlemen and the ladies can say the same thing, that we've been cutting it one day at a time. But we learned a long time ago that as far as our drinking is concerned, if you take care of the day, chances are the week's going to take care of itself. And will a month and will a year. And before you know it, well, 21 years have run by. And it seems like yesterday that I sat there at those early meetings and I was wondering, you know, why am I here? I don't think a guy came to the program that didn't sit in his first day of meetings going, you know why am i an alcoholic? For God's sake of all of things I could have been. Why am I an alcoholic? I'm sure I didn't go down to my high school counselor and he said, Norm, what would you like to be? I said, man, I'd like to be an alcoholic. Yeah, marvelous. We got a new program for guys like you, you know. So I went out there and tore him up for a period of time and I ended up in Alcoholics Anonymous. Now that wasn't the reason, you know. I blamed a lot of people on a lot of things. I blame my family, my nationality. I used to think, you know, I'm Irish and Italian and I thought, you know, anybody being Irish and Italian, he's got to be hacked one way or another, you see. And I blame my people for my alcoholism and my problem. And I come to find out that being Irish and Italian, all that really means is that you're not overly intelligent. That's all that means. You see, it doesn't mean you're going to have any booze problems, but I was the only alcoholic in that whole family, and my people are heavy drinkers. Now, maybe this nationality had something to do with it. I don't know. The Italians made it, the Irish drank it, and I got here, I suppose. But I used to feel that it was an injustice because I felt, you know, deep inside that I was the best in the family. And I couldn't understand why I'd been given the cross to carry that whole rotten outfit. You know, I could have thought if I had a dozen other people in my family who were a lot, you now, rottener than I was, that they ought to be here, you see. But as it worked out, my family, my nationality had no bearing on my alcoholism. I used to think the environment, maybe that plays a part. I'm born in L.A. Anybody born in M.A.'s got to be hacked one way or another, you kno, but I know a lot of guys came out of L. A. and never had any hacking and they never had anything to do with it. They never had trouble and they've never been drunk and they'd never been to jail. So, evidently, you know, none of these things had anything to do with it. After giving this a lot of consideration, I was able to come up with a giant conclusion. I am alcoholic because of the whiskey I consume. You see, that was my biggest problem. Now, that's unique, isn't it? I drank too much booze out there. I drank that baby as hard and as fast as I could drink it. And somewhere through that lottery of my life, I crossed the invisible line from the social aspect of drinking into the compulsive area where one's too many and a thousand aren't enough, where I'm looking for the answer, living in a quart of whiskey out there, and I can't find it. Where all of my life revolves around booze, or people that sell it and people that drink it. Where after five or six drinks, I have absolutely no control over how it's going to end up. You know, I kept drinking out there until I was no more. I was made periodic by a lot of things. I couldn't drink every day. I, you know, economics make a guy periodic. I could never lay my hands on enough scraps to drink all the booze I wanted. Jails made me periodic. It's difficult to buy when you're in jail. A red-headed Irish wife made me periodic. Happened to marry a woman that had a violent temper and a rotten disposition and yelled at me all the time. You know, you got the heat on, man, and that makes you periodic. You got to get the heat off, so you got to gets sober. So these things made me periodical, but I never wanted to quit. Once I began, I wanted to go, man. There was no more until I'm flat out on the floor. That's what I've had enough. And many times I've got up off of the floor after two or three hours. You go outside, throw up, and start all over again out there. Yeah. And I can illustrate that real well. Last year, we got the pennant, and the Dodgers were in the World Series. And I took three associates, customers, clients, if you will, to the ballgame. And we went to dinner prior to the game, and they drank theirs, and I ate mine. They got pretty organized. We got to theballgame, and, man, they're drinking that beer, those big 90-cent glasses of beer every inning are shooting out. And pretty soon, they were totally wasted. And I'm sitting there praying that baby don't go into extra innings, you know, or we'd have never gotten out of there. Well, the ball game ended and we got in my car and we drove down to North Hill Street there to a joint called the Velvet Turtle while they had their car. And they got out and as they're getting out in typical drunken fashion, you know, they're feeling no pain and they said, Norm, baby, come on in, we'll buy you a drink. You know, and I said, no, I can't. I've got to be home for Christmas. Now, I... I'd heard that joke at an AA meeting, you know, and I was hysterical over it, you know. A typical alcoholic, I'm sitting there laughing at my own joke, you know, I just tore it all up and I look up and nobody's laughing. No, except me. And I knew what they were thinking. They're thinking, you know, what kind of a jackass is this? You know. Christ, how could a guy get drunk in October and not get home to December? And I want to tell him, you man, it's easy, you know. Yeah. Hell, if you got the health and you got the money, you can go out there, and that's the way it was. That illustrated the way that I performed. I drank that booze out there. That was my major problem was the booze I consumed and the personality that I possessed. I am a rationalizer, a justifier, a compromiser, and I got a rotten attitude, and man, you don't need a hell of a lot more than that, you see. I've had a lousy outlook on living all my life. I traveled half the world and half my life making a complete ass of myself, spent money I didn't have buying things I didn' t need, trying to impress people I did' n't like. And that would be the story. You know, the alcoholic's a paradox. He runs all over hell laying it on the world, you know, letting everybody know what a big operator he is. I thought everybody waited for me to speak so they could get moving out there. I felt they were impressed with their sense of well-being. You know sitting in them gin mills and the guy says, What do you do? What do mean what do I do? Man, I do it all out there, that's what I do. I'm the general manager of the universe, friend. That's what I am, yeah. And I thought he was impressed with all of these things. You see, I'd be the guy driving around the city out there in the summertime. It's 105. I got all the windows rolled up in my car because I want everybody to think I've got an air conditioner, you know. It never quits. Well, I came to the program and I found out that none of these thing were necessary any longer. When I got the alcoholic sonata, as I walked through the door, the folks said it there. Don't impress us here, friend. We've been impressed by experts in alcoholic sonatas because everybody at AA is an expert, right? I'm sure you've got none in Texas, but man, we've got a lot out where I go, you see. You come to my home group and you ask us anything you want to talk about and we're going to comment on it one way or another. Now, if we don't know what you're talking about, we generally say that's true and we go on from there. Well, you learn right away. You know, you're surrounded by experts. No matter where you've been, somebody got there long before you did. I told this fellow one night, you know, I thought I'd lay a little out of it. And I said, you don't have to go to jail about 25 times. He says, hell yeah, son, I did that in a year. You know. Right away, you'll learn. And with the package, you see, you also find out that one of the greatest fringe benefits of Alcoholics Anonymous is that you don' t have to do anything. You don't need to go through this. No longer is it necessary that I be a competitor. I don't have to compete with the people who are going to be here tomorrow or that were here last night. I'm here just for myself because of me and no more. All you ask of me is to be myself. I can take that package, I can make it out that city street tomorrow, and I can spend another day out there just being me, not having to compromise my life or justify my existence. It's an experience I believe that no alcoholic should be without. And if you're new, I highly suggest that you grab the package. It's available here this evening. Take it on out there tomorrow and spend a day of your will just being you. Tonight, if I may, I'd like to tell you a little bit about what I was like, what happened, what I'm trying to be like now with the program of Alcoholics Anonymous means to me. Not too impressed with the booze and problems I have, but I don't know a better way to talk about the program. When a guy says to me, how does AA work? Well, it's simple. AA works because of the AA book. When I came in with my sponsor and all these flaky friends, they said, you know, if you don't buy the book, you'll get drunk. So either get the book or get drunk, you Know. one way or another. You lay three and a half on the line, and you got the book. Well, I laid it out, and I bought that book. And the book in those days was The Calculator Risk. Hell, it had that red and yellow cover. You know, you could see it out there, you know, for about 100 yards. But the night you bought it, you put it under your coat, and you went out with it,you know. You didn't want anybody to know you were trying to improve your life. Isn't that right? Now, it didn't bother me a bit to lay around in the 11 western states dead drunk out there. You don't know. It didn't bother me. Change all that. Don't let them know, oh my God, I'm going Alcoholics Anonymous, you see. But in any event, if you're new here tonight, I suggest that you buy the book. We got a little inflation going. She's about four and a half, but so is Ten High, so it's a break even. You don't know what you get down to. But that's the way it works. That is AlcoholicsAnonymous, number one. Secondly, it works because one drunk talks to another drunk. Between the two of you, you stay sober. What do a couple of drunks talk about? They talk about the hack and the hustle they had out there in the street. They talk about coming of the program and find a better way to operate. They talk about things they're using today in order to stay sober, and this, to me, relates to what I was like, what happened, and what I'm trying to be like now. I told you a great deal about myself. I'm a guy with an attitude problem. If you've got an attitude problem, you've had a hell of a problem. Life and living is a matter of attitude, isn't it? More so today than any time in my life. I get up in the morning, I've got a rotten attitude, I got a rotting day. That's the way it's going to be, you know, unless I change it. I sit down and eat breakfast. I don't care what I'm eating, it's rotten. You know, I'm eaten the same thing for 30 years, that's a rotten breakfast you got out there, yeah. I get out in the car and all the red lights are going against me. Get on the freeways and they're jammed out there. Got to deal with some people and they are all rotten people I am dealing with. I go through this for a couple of weeks and I have a change of attitude. I got up in the morning and I sit down and I had breakfast. Same thing. Not a bad breakfast I am having, you see. And the redlights are now going green and the freeway is half jammed. I visited some of the same people I had seen a couple of weeks ago and I've always been amazed at how in such a short period of time they had such a marvelous change of attitude, I tell you. Life and living, you see, to me today is just a matter of attitude. The attitudes are what took me into and began all of my problems and all my troubles. Started putting me in jail. The attitude. Started going to jail in the late 30s, not for drinking in the beginning, but for stealing. I happen to be a thief by trade. I'm an alcoholic by absorption, you See. Open up that midnight auto supply out there in the San Gabriel Valley. Well, that consisted of us hooking car parts. It all began, you know, with popping them hubcaps. This is the lark, and we learned we could move them through some fences and make a little money so we kind of branched the program out and got other car accessories. And it never got to be such a job to gather up all that crap. We stole a whole car, you know. Overnight, the business got out away from me, you Know. Had to put on some partners. I got too big to handle. That was a mistake. When you've got a partnership going, you've gotta assume the liabilities of your partners, you know, well, we got the greedy. There's always a greedy guy in the partnership and this one fellow on his off nights, he was breaking into houses and he got picked up And he went in front of the judge. And he did like every honest thief I've ever known in my life. He stood there in frontof the judge and he told the judge our names and addresses. You see, it wouldn't be the best idea to pick us up. So we were arrested and we were stood and brought in frontf of this judge. And he said, seven years, what are your formatories? You can't make it out there. You react to living or whatever he said. If he said I react to loving, he's right. I have reacted and overreacted all of my life I never bought living on living's terms. I always wanted my way. It's going to be my way or it isn't. And I stood out there and I bucked the system. And I learned, if you're going to play, you've got to pay. The law of retribution says what's going out is coming back. Kind of a rotten setup, but I don't know how you're going to change it. You know, I've twisted and tried, but that isn't the way it is. What's going on is coming out. What's coming out is going to be in proportion. I'm sure they're not going to get me even while I'm here, but they're going see me later on. You know? And seeing me later is what's bothering me right now. But then I refused to accept it. I went out to Whittier. I was there just a short period. I had a release. Circumstances or the juice in the right place, I really don't know. I was released. I came back to Los Angeles, and I've had no change of attitude. I'm still looking for a synthetic existence. I'm Still Looking for the Fantasyland. You see it? Alcohol's the natural. Alcohol will get you into the fantasyland. Disney's late. Man, I've lived in that fantasyland all my life. The Dreamer out there. Well, that booze is the vehicle that's going to get me there. All started in 1940. Easter week, Balboa Beach, the Rendezvous Ballroom, Stan Kenton and Padre Beer. Man, it was a hell of a deal. We'd drink that old Padre, get a little buzzy and go in the dance hall there. You know, act four times drunker than what you were, dance with the dollies, breathe on them, let them know girls, you know. Got a little booze out there. The big operation. I liked it. I liked the way it affected me and I liked its taste. I am not alcoholic in the beginning. A lot of guys felt that they were alcoholic the first time out of the shoot. And I'm sure in their case this is true, but not me. I kind of worked at it. I didn't have a lot of fun in the beginning. I, oh, a little trouble, beat up a couple of times, get sick occasionally. But nothing really serious. I kind of worked at it. I moved out of that Padre beer down to that Rainier ale into that Ten High whiskey. And man, what I got to that whiskey. Let me tell you, I found the greatest thing made since money and girls was that whiskey One thing about drinking that whiskey, boy, when you take that first jolt, it brings you to attention right now. Boy, I like that. And that old ten high, God, it brought you to attention, I'll tell you. Never had the feeling you were being cheated when you drank that old 10 high, I'LL TELL YOU. That baby burned going and coming at you. You know, burned. Run out in my nose and made my eyes water a lot too, you know. What do your good friends say? They go, hey, that's good, Norm. Yeah, this is good. Yeah, it's the good you can't breathe. That's how good it is, Jeff. Well, I loved it. Because it took you where the action was. Boy, that whiskey got you downtown now, you see? And I don't want to get downtown after a while. I want to be there now. And that's what that whiskey did. I've been in a hurry all my life, obviously. And I liked it. And as a friend of mine told me years ago, he said, man, when you're drinking that cheap whiskey, you get a lot of fringe benefits. When you throw it up, you don't lose much, you know. And that makes a lot of sense. Hell, yeah. That takes an alky to figure that out. My God, you're out there drinking today and you're drinking that $9 whiskey and you flash in $9. Ooh, $9, there she goes. Good God, that's enough to make you sick all over again to throw up $9? Well, these alkies give you all that good information, you see. They prepare you in case you want to go out. You got all the shortcuts out there. Well, that was the beginning of the fantasy land. That got me up on the plateau. That'd make me all things to all people. That'd made me good-looking, well-built, intellectual and wealthy and I got the job done in two hours. That brought me up to the place where you hit that buzz. You know, you drink that whiskey and you get that buzz on, man. If I could hold that buzz forever and I'd order one more just to stay even, down the chute I'd go, you know. That one more trying to stay evil was what was killing me, I used to think. A boy there for a while, you gotta go on. Well, by January 1942, I'd been in jail again up in the state of Oregon. I came back to Los Angeles. I had the opportunity to go in the United States Navy, not because I was overly patriotic, but I didn't have much going. You know, the probation department said you violated your probation. You left the state of California. You're going to now go to the service or go to jail. You know that's not a hell of a deal when you sit there. Well, I've been to jail and it was no deal so I thought I'd go to service. I picked the United State Navy and I thought I'll be the youngest lieutenant commander the Navy ever had. A guy with, got my ability, my intelligence, there's no question about it. As it turned out, I was the oldest seaman they ever had, You know, I just couldn't stay out of a jam. There was one court-martial after another. There was a deck, a summary, a general. There was 11 1⁄2 months in a Navy pen up there on the top of Gold Island run by the Marine Corps by a guy named Big John. He was the warden of the pen up THERE. And he and God used to go to breakfast together. It was a miserable experience. There were 60, 70 days in solitary confinement on bread and water at different intervals. There were some other miscellaneous things that are important. But all directly due to booze. Now, if I'm not drinking, I don't have any trouble. If I'm drinking, I've got all the trouble that I can take care of. Well, it comes 1945. I fulfilled my conditions. I was discharged and I came back to Los Angeles in 1946. And you know the reason I didn't get a kick out of the service, got a BCD or a dishonorable or something worse is that like most alcoholics, I believe, and I think you can lay your hat on it, that they're hard workers. You know, damned hard workers They said 80% of the alcoholics work harder than anybody else. And I've gotta believe it. An alcoholic has gotta work 25% harder than anybody else just to stay even out there. Isn't that right? Yeah, we'd get out, you know, and visit some of these companies on a Tuesday morning. You see a guy going like hell all over in that company. Well, a chance, you don't five get your ten. That guy's an alky. He's Miss Monday. There he goes Tuesday. I spot. Yeah. He's got to get out and go. He's the one. He's not the heat on, see. He's gotta get that heat off. If he's married, he goes home. Baby, let me wash the dishes. You know, wash his dishes. Scrubs the floors, washes walls, paints the house. He's gone. You know, the heat's off and now it's on again. An alcoholic spends a lifetime putting it on, putting it off. That's the reason I believe that I never got kicked out of the service. I was a good sailor, good seaman, generally had somebody going for me and I fulfilled the conditions discharged. Came back to Los Angeles, as I mentioned, in 1946 and had the opportunity to hear about AA. You know God moves in strange, mysterious ways. No matter what you do or you don't do, that's the way it's going to be anyway, you know? So many times in my life I've said I won't do this or I will but yet I find myself in these positions. In 1946, why, there were these arrests. There were three, then there was four, then there were the years suspended, then there Were three years probation and the judge said if you come back to this city and you're caught in a place that serves or sells alcoholic beverages, you're going to do time in the county jail. So get out of here. And I left this courtroom and I knew full well if I ever came back there and I was drinking that I would have trouble and I would end up in front of him. And I was determined I wouldn't come back to that town again. And I'm out maybe two or three months and I got so good I couldn't stand it. You know what prosperity does to an alky. I'm about 70, 80 miles away one night and I'm drinking down one of the beach cities with a couple of high rollers and I committed a cardinal sin. While I was drinking I began to think. That's a bad deal. You know, you should either think or drink but don't get them both going at the same time. I got to thinking about that rotten judge in that lousy town and this is a free country and God knows I'm a veteran. You see, well, you've rationalized that out. I got my car and drove back that 70, 80 miles into the city. Went down to a joint Called the Green Terrace Met another buddy of mine We got totally wasted Got in my car Drove out in the main drag A car pulled in front of me I'm so drunk I can't see it I hit it And I run from the scene Of the accident Because I'm scared to death I wake up in the felony tank In the morning And I read the book And slip and it says 501 felony Drunk driving Hit and run Bodily injury involved But for the grace of God The looks after Damn fools and drunks Why four folks Didn't die out there In the city streets That night you see Alcoholism is a game Of seconds and inches That's all you gotta talk about A few a few seconds and a few inches the snap of the finger had I been over three and a half four feet by the broad side of the car at the rate of speed I was traveling it would have been a total disaster out there and you know when it gets to Solly out there on those city streets today that I don't think I can stand it when everything seems to be going the wrong way I say God give me the strength to reflect back to remember that year of 1946 if I think it's tough now let me remember how it was when I woke up in that bucket and they took me down in that elevator you know three floors zip, everything's up there. Heard you out of the elevator through the courtroom standing in front of a judge. Hear him dress you down. Tell him, you know, he tells you that you're everything that you don't want to hear and the humility and how you felt. When it gets to bed, I can't stand it. God, let me remember how it is. Let me remember the year of 1946 if I think it's so tough. The year of 46 is a significant year in my life. A lot of things happen. Everything seems to be kind of tied together there. I was sentenced to jail by the judge. I went into the jail to serve the time. I shared a cell with a man that was going to AA. Two hundred guys got out of the bucket. You know, we're doing time there in the bucket and one guy gets out of can once a week to go to AA meetings. I got the cell. I share it with him. Once a week he'd go to these meetings and he'd come back and he's dying to talk to somebody about it and you don't have a big audience in the jail cells. He says, oh, I'm sitting there and I get the full action and he tells me, you've got a drinking problem why don't you going to one of these meetings with me. And I told him, you know, some of you, I'd like to, but I don't have a drinking problem. My problem is the rotten people out there. They're my problem. You know, I'm a victim of unusual circumstances. That jackass turned that car on and on and went. Well, what he didn't know and what I didn't know, the seed was planted right there. Eight and a half years later, I picked up a telephone. I'm looking for an outfit called A and a guy named Sully. And I located the program and I didnít find my friend. I heard through the grapevine and after three years of sobriety, he went back to drinking and he couldnít quit and he drank his head off. He had a wet brain. They said they put him in Camarillo Hospital. They said, Norm ain't coming back. He'll never make it. And so I promptly forgot him and I went on my way and three years ago last December I looked down the front row of an AA meeting on a Sunday morning and who was sitting there but a guy named Sully. I'd shared a cell with 27 years ago and I thought, God moves in strange and mysterious ways. And as I look back through those years that particular year I recall another time that I was in a meeting on the other side of town and when the meeting was over the woman came up and said, Norm, what's this judge? you're talking about. And I told her, and she says, well, Norm, I'm going to tell you something. He's my brother-in-law. And he said, oh, you ought to go back and tell him what has happened in your life. He said, she told me that he had sentenced her to 90 days in Camarillo Hospital, and that she had found the program while there. And she said, when is your birthday? And I called her, she said that's mine. We came in the same time, and she convinced me that I should go back to see this judge. I didn't want to do it. You know, I'd spent years staying out of there, and I didn' t want to go but she convinced me I should g o. And so I went over to see them, and couldn't get in. Isn't that a hell of a note, you know, they wouldn't let me stay in. Well, you know what that does to an alchemy. My God, I'm going to get in there now. Yeah. I spent all the years, you know, trying to stay out. Now I want in. We got some of them attorney people in the program. You know, attorneys get drunk too once in a while. I got a hold of them. I said, put some juice in. I gotta get in and see that guy. So they put the juice in and I got in. And I sat down. I says, I am sure you don't remember me. He said, I remember your name. And you had a brother that got screwed up in this town too, didn't you? I said, yeah, a little bit. You only knocked down some light polls one night. But we went on to reflect, and I told him, I want to tell you about AA. And he says, don't tell me nothing. You know about my sister-in-law? She found the program, and I'll tell you something else. A guy that I graduated from college with, he was one of the top men in the class, destined to do big things. One day, he come in front of me, and he's standing there. And I looked down. Oh, well, he got a little drunk in the circumstances, and I'll never see him again, and then I'll reprimand him. And He went on his way. And I thought, by, you know, I've done my job. And over the next decade, I was to sentence that man more times than any man in the history of this town, that he holds a record for drunk driving. And he said eventually he got a hold of a man and he went to Alcoholics Anonymous and he started the group in Pasadena. It's odd the way it works out. And the guy that was in the car with me that night, this other friend of mine, I lost track of him. Some seven or eight years ago I was in another place called Patton, which is a state hospital and when the meeting was over the guy came up to me and he said, Norm, how are you? I I looked up and I said, Stanley, what are you doing here? As if I didn't know what he was doing there, you know. I could have written out what he were going to tell me. He says, Norm, you're going to find this difficult to believe, but I'm a victim of unusual circumstances. I said to Haley R., Stanley, What happened? He says I got a little drunk and tore up my mother's house and she called the police. I said how short-sighted is your mother, Stanley? But if you ever get to the point in your life you think you have a drinking problem, please call me. And that is the year of 1946. and it revolves around my life and it would seem to be that from time to time I run across people who played a major part. Obviously, I didn't come to the program. I went out and I drank all the whiskey I could get my hands on. Went to work for one of the largest construction firms in the world. Stayed with these people some 11 years and in that 11 year period of time I was at the right place at the correct time and the jobs got bigger and better and the money got a little good too and I needed the money. I got a big overhead by now. I met and married a red-headed Irish woman and she's pregnant every other year and that's a hell of an overhead. Anyway, you ought to cut it. You know, I was about a half-smart alky, you know. I told my bar associates I was getting married and they said, man, don't go off half-cocked and make sure that chick's got a job, you Know. So she's working and things are going my way for two months. And I walk in the house one day and she says, Norm, I've been to the doctor. I'm pregnant and I've got to quit my job. And I thought the whole house had fell down around me, you Now. If you were telling an alky something you don't want to hear, I don't believe that, you now. What about another doctor maybe? Well, she assured me she was home free. Oh, you thought, well, hell, that caper takes about nine months. We'll give her two to get on her feet, and we'll get the rotten job back. And then everything's going to be just like it was. Isn't that the story of the alcoholic's life? Everything's going be just as it was! Hell, that was 27 years ago. That woman ain't turned a tap since that day! She got herself in that shape eight times. I couldn't believe it! I used to sit around the bar stools going, you know, how the hell can it happen? You know, I can't make a bar tap. There she goes, St. Luke's again! And I'm rarely home anymore either, you now. So I've created a tremendous overhead And I'm a bar drinker And a bar drunker packs a hell of an overhead It's not like being a home drinker A home drinkers A home drunker is a low overhead drinker But a home drunk never reaches his full potential A home drinking never gets the proper coverage You know, who's around the house to tell how good you are, huh? Yeah Her And her don't believe it anyway, does she? Nah You can get out to them saloons and let the world know how good you are I like that I like them joints I like dem dark lights and the rotten music that hammered at ya Love them intellectual giants I met there Love sitting there on them bar stools Talking in millions and spending in thousands And never had ten between us But we talked a hell of a lot about it Built them castles in the air Formed the corporations Put the partnerships together And wondered what the poor slobs were doing tonight because the big money was there. And when you got tired of talking in line to all your associates, you could sit there and look in the mirror and they put mirrors in bars so that alcoholics can stare at themselves with that perpetual Maybelline look and that wide-eyed. There you are, you devil, you, yes. Bring that drink up, you know, and you've got to catch your arm. Oh, Jesus, you killer, you. 155 wringing wet in them days I can't lick my lips let alone anybody else that whiskey makes a lover and a killer out of you and sometimes you get so drunk you can't remember what I am a lover or a killer yeah you don't know what face to make as you're sitting there going all through it wondering why all the dollies aren't down there huh got that smiling Frankie Gordon suit on paid $30 for it Got 50 cents worth of whiskey all down the front of you there. Got a little chili on your tie. If you hear a snuff dipper, it's running down the side there, yeah. I smell bad and I can't talk. I used to drink myself up to that, you know, the mumbling stage. I was one of them mumblers. Boop, boop, bloop, blah, you don't have to. And you're romantic, though. That's the important thing. And I got to go to the men's room. The evening's over. I'd always forget about the steps, that kludge out in the middle of the floor. Or you get into the men's room and it's one of them pay toilets. Thank God! Pay toilets are plots against alcoholics. You never have the proper change. You're standing out there trying to get in the damn thing. You can't get in. Oh, you go... Did you ever go in under the door? There's got to be some old door crawler under his hair tonight. Boy, you're going in under there. Under the door, are you? It's degrading as hell for a high roller. Going in underthe door, yeah. Yeah, takes the press right out of your suit, doesn't it? Yeah, coming out, the press goes again. You know, it's a mess. A couple of guys standing out there waiting. Here he comes, you know, that a boy! Humiliating, isn't it ? You end up, you don't know, floundering around on the parking lot with that, getting that payment rash, you now. That's a scab you get in the middle of your head runs all the way around. Floundering in parking lots out there. The ultimate of the evening is, you know, looking for your car. The car searchers, the car losers, they wander around, you know, Looking for Your Car. You become emotional some nights about losing your car, you call your wife, did you see my car anywhere? Did you ever tell one of your non-alcoholic friends you lost your car? He gets the Maybelline look, that wide eye. The last time I lost a car, God willing, was in December of 53. I lost my car, and I met the bucket out in Azusa. I called my neighbor. He's an attorney to come and bail me out. And he come down and bailed me out, and we're walking out of the jailhouse there, and he says, Norm, this is all fine now. Let's get your car and go home. And I looked him right in the eye and said, Julie, you're going to find this tough to believe, but I don't know where my car is. And then he looked at me with that far away look, you know, and what kind of a jackass is this? How the hell could a guy lose a car? Christ, the car weighs 4,500 pounds. How could you lose a car? And I want to tell him, it's easy, Julie. You just get a little drunk out there and lose them. And I think one of the highlights of the alcoholic's life is the night he finds his car. You put that into the same classification as a spiritual experience. My God! You're trudging down the street and there's my car! My God, you know, I love you, car. You just want to hug her and kiss her. God, you get in and you lay down and go to bed in there, don't you? Yeah. The old car sleepers. Yeah, man. You can tell a car sleeper when he comes into AA, he walks in like this, you know. He's had his head screwed up under the armrest all night and the old door handle stuck in his ear. Wakes up sick in the middle of the night and he thinks his window's down and it's up. You're a rat boy! You knock the hell out of your head. Give yourself a bloody nose and you sit there and say, drinking's fun. Yes. Love every minute of it. I like throwing up in my car, yes. I got rotten whiskey in L.A., though. That's my whole trouble. I gotta get the hell outta L. A. Man, I gotta go. I gotta back down there to Big Spring, Texas. Gee, they love me in Big Spring. And they had such good whiskey. Seven and a half a pint for Old Charter Bootleg. Greatest whiskey in the world down there. Or was it El Paso where they loved me and had good whiskey? Or maybe it was Dallas or Moses Lake, Washington or Seattle or Albuquerque or Spokane or on and on. It was always going to be different once it got back down there wherever there was, it was going to be different at the gates of insanity or death. It was goingto be all right. And I kept searching. And in the interim time period, why, the booze got every loving thing I had of anything to me. The ultimate was always goin' home once, you know, red, you know, walking in the door. You've been gone three days, you now, and you're tired, you've been busy, and you're coming in, you know, you want a little love, affection and understanding. You walk through the door and from 20 feet she's going, you're drunk again. And I was always dumbfounded, you know, how does she know? Call her on the phone and she'd say, you're drinking, aren't you? And I'd jump out of that phone booth, you know, where the hell is that guy? You know, I'm sure she's got somebody following you, you know. God, she was the greatest drunk-o-meter in the world. And I would stand there and we'd go through this business of, she'd say, you're drunk again. And I'd say who me? Yeah, like 37 guys are with you. You know what the hell she's talking to. And she'd said, yeah, you. Then you hit her with that big $64 question and you'd say do you know who you're talking to? Isn't that a marvelous expression? Been talking to the same bum now for over eight years but you want to be reassured so you introduce yourself to your wife. Fringe benefit of AA. You don't have to introduce yourself to your life anymore. Periodically you stand there going Baby, I want to tell you something. I'm old Norm. That's who the hell I am. Now don't you forget it. And then she'd mimic me as the only way that my Irish can do it. I'm all Norm. That's the way I am, you know. God, that used to irritate me. Sometimes that happens when you got your best friend with you. Your new business partner. You met him in the bar last night. You've invited him home. And there you stay in the blind leading the blind. And I'd say, woman, you've embarrassed me in front of my best friend. And I couldn't think of his name, you see. Well, but I did it by saying, you shut that Irish mouth or I'm leaving. How do you like that? And she's hysterical. She goes down and throws all my clothes out. So you've got to pick up the clothes. The clothes-packing alcoholic is a joy to the neighborhood, isn't he? When you get tired of watching your television or cooking or barbecuing out there, you can watch the old Elkie, you know, staggering around out there in the front lawn with an armload of clothes loading up the back seat of his car. He always honks his horn to let the neighbors know he's going. Honk, honk, I'm going, he says. Like everybody's concerned about him, you know. He's gone. Two days later, he's back again, you now. Coming on in with a flat tire, the old rim driver coming home, you know. Too drunk to change a tire, he drives on it. The tire's all flopping and popping. The sparks are flying. Pull the car up in the driveway, park it on the lawn, open the door and you fall out out there. You wake up a couple hours later and the intelligent alcoholic says, I wonder if anybody saw me? Yeah. And he thinks to himself, well, if they saw me, I bet they thought I had the flu. Yeah. Hell, yeah. Everybody lays on the lawn and has a flu. You know that. Oh, we went through this exercise many times. Yeah, the third act, the promises. Baby, give me a break. No, no, throw me out. I got a hell of a deal for you. The schemer. The algae schemes and he gets in. Yeah, I got to have a break up. I'm going down to see that priest. I'm gonna take that pledge. I'm goin' to see the doctor. I'm gon' do that. Yo, give a break for Christ's sake. All right, think of the kids. You get back in. And as soon as you get in, you start scheming to get back out of here. and eventually you run out of schemes and eventually you'll come on in and she ain't even sore at you you walk in she just says to no uncertain terms Norm, Norm you're a drunken bum Norm you'll never live to be 35 years old hell you're drinking yourself to death the kids are neurotic because of you I'm scared to death of you you gonna bust the house up tonight you gonna shove the refrigerator through the wall again Norm you gonna stand there waving that gun around one of these nights it goes off then somebody dies here Norm what's it like Norm to sit here looking through the front room window waiting to see your car come home I spent hours on end waiting to see your car come home. And every time I hear a siren run, I think, God, the cop's got you again. Or this time you're laying dead in the middle of the street, Norman. You ain't never coming back. You drug us down that gutter as deep as you're going to get us. You've humiliated and you've lied to us and we can't tolerate it. I've called an attorney. I've asked for federal maintenance. I put a restraining order against you. We want you the hell out of our life. I'll always love you. But you tore out all the feeling. I got no feeling for you one way or another. And you walk out to your car and you get in and you drive away and you say to yourself, why me? Why not the other guy down there? What the hell have you got to get me for? You know what I know. You're an alcoholic. You cross the invisible line. You're a compulsive drinker. The booze gets every loving thing you've got that means anything to you just a matter of time. The wheels of alcoholism grind very slow but very fine. You give it enough time it gets every loving thing you got. Sure, there are isolated cases of people put up with that crap for 20 years always thinking that jackass is going to straighten out. 30 years they watch him flop in and out of the house. 30 years of picking up the pieces, 30 years a-lying for him, 30 years the promises, 30 years or 20 years or whatever it is telling friends and relations don't come over. Norm's got the flu. He flew under the bed he flew. Ah, hell I wouldn't do, I wouldn' go through it 20 days. Now sir, there are these isolated cases that this does happen. It's a miracle. One of the greatest miracles of this program is when you see a man and his woman walk through the door to the first AA meeting. The guy's sick and he's hung out and you look at the woman she's sick too in a different way and in her eyes There's a story you can't deny. It says, you know, this jerk's tried everything in the world and it hasn't worked. And you know this isn't going to work either. And you see the same couple a couple of months later and they're coming through the same door. And the guy's sharped out. And the woman, she's changed. And then there arises a new story. And they say, I've been waiting 20 years for this to happen and it's happened and finally we're happier than we've ever been in our life. And it's all made possible through a unique miracle that you and I choose to call Alcoholics Anonymous. Yes. And to the new people we don't guarantee that these are the things and the way it's going to workout. All we have here in Alcoholics Anonymous is sobriety and a way of life. And if you're a ditch digger, buddy, you're going to be a better ditch digker. We don't guarantee anybody's going to make a ton of scratch or drive a big iron or live in the big house on the hill or your woman's ever coming in, but we'll say this, sobriery, a way a life. And whatever you're doing, you've got to be better at. And we'll reinstate you with the sweetest thing you ever had, your self-respect, if you'll buy the package. That's what brought me in. I think that's what brings all of the alcoholics in. if you could put it down to one single thing rather than an aggregate total of many, I'd say it was losing my self-respect is what brought me to the program. The day that I stood there and I was sick and tired of being sick and retired and didn't know it, that I recognized maybe a guy had walked into my life and he said, Norm, you've abused the privilege of owning it. He dug it away. He dug away my self respect. The day I didn't have to look in the mirror wasn't necessary. I had a feeling in here, and there's nothing moving. There's just absolutely nothing. I want to believe that that's the psychological second in my life, that I'm totally sick and tired of it all. And I'm tired of hurting myself. And I want TO believe that's February of 54. And I got up off of the floor, and I'd been on a pretty good tear. And I walked in, and they picked up the telephone, and they called the central office in Los Angeles. And I talked to a guy, and his name was Johnny Carroll. And God love the Johnny Carrolls at Alcoholics Anonymous. And I am sure he doesn't mind me breaking his anonymity. He was one of the grandfellows. And the reason he was, he gave it away. And that's what it's all about. He gave away everything he had, that guy. He worked six, seven days a week for beans at the central office. And on a Thursday night, you went to the Alhambra Group. You walked up the stairs. And at the top of the stairs was standing Johnny Carroll waiting for new guys to come through. And he'd grab him by the arm and he'd take you on in. He'd pour you a cup of coffee. And he said, stick around and keep an open mind and go to a lot of meetings. And you're young, son. God, you're younger. You're impatient as hell, I can tell it. But remember this. it took you 15 years one day at a time to get yourself right down there to the bottom of the chute. And it may take you 15 year one day and a time to bring yourself back out. He said, You're going to get out of it just the way you got in it. Now maybe you get lucky. Maybe you got it in seven or eight years but don't count on it. Don't depend on it." He's the guy that I talked to. He'sthe guy that told me about Alcoholics Anonymous. He gave me some numbers and I picked up the telephone and I started calling the numbers and pretty soon I got a hold of the guy. And the guy, he come out to see me and he became my sponsor. His name was Fred. Remember Fred? But he came out to see me. And he was one of them hard-hearted sponsors you hear about. You know, they went to school for hard-hearted sponsors, I used to think. He was the kind of guy that felt, you know, you went to any length to get this program. That's the way it was. He says, you want to go to any place. You went to Any Length to get the booze. You lied for it, cheated for it. Conned for it . . . You know . . ." Any length to go get it. So now you've got to go any length . . To get this Program. That's what it is. He said, I don't pick guys up and take them to meetings. That's a softer, easier way. He said, if you want to get in your car and drive down, I'll be there. He said if you got a car, frankly, you're not ready yet, but we'll take a chance on you, yeah. If you haven't got the car, why, take the bus. And if you haven'T got bus money, hell ain't a bad walk. That's what, you know, come on down. You've got to come to get it. That's What It Is. And I didn't like him. As a matter of fact, I detested him. And the only thing I liked about him is when he says, if I can make it, you can. And I thought, ain't that the truth? If that rotten old man could make it anybody can, yeah! all I could think about that night was getting in my car driving down to that temple city group he'd be standing down there in the parking lot and I'd crush him with my car that's what I would do well I got into my car I drove down to the meeting on the way to the first meeting why a dozen things run through your head you know what's AA all about what are they doing in Alcoholics Anonymous if I gotta sign some papers and pledges am I gonna see a guy that knows me he's gonna find out I drink and I don't want that to happen and I wonder if they got a loan agency Jesus I thought That would be nice. I got a lot of heat on out there. If I could get the heat off, go to that loan agency, pay off all of that, and then they'll teach me how to drink. I'll be a social drinker, and I'llbe all right now. Yeah, well, before I knew it, I was down there at the meeting, and there stood my sponsor in the parking lot. Then he walked up, and he slapped me on the back, and he took me on into the meeting. I forgot I hated him. The old Temple City group, in them days we used to meet down there in Rosemead, town of Rosemaid. We used to eat down there in Allegiant Hall. And on the corner was a liquor store, the Legion Hall, and the cemetery. And a favorite expression of the group was if you get by here and stop here, you won't make it over there. And they showed all the new guys the cemetery out there. You keep drinking, you're going to die. Isn't that funny? Isn't it really funny, frankly? You learn right away that alcoholics, after they get sober, get a warped sense of humor, don't they? They laugh about all these silly things. Well, I went on into the group and I was introduced around and I'm again subjected to this sense of humour. This Temple City group was a very wealthy group. We had so much money in those days, we had donuts before and after the meeting. It was an unheard of thing. And they'd always buy three or four of these red jelly donuts. They saved them for new guys. See a new guy coming through the door, and he's all green and hung out. The red jelly donut committee would slide up on him. He'll be glad to have you. How would you like a red jelly doughnut there? Who needs a doughnut? It'll get you right there. Did you ever look at a red Jelly Doughnut when you got a hangover? Looks like something you left on the street last night. I don't want to hear about that. And they all stood around in a group, these guys did. And they talked at the same time about different things. So that's the thing that's amazing. You've got a half a dozen elkies together and two guys are talking about one thing and there are two guys talking about something else and there's two guys about something other and they're all talking at the very same time. And you never get to find out what the hell they're talking about. And if you're following one story about the time he gets to the punchline a guy from another group comes over and interrupts him right there. You spend years in AA waiting to hear the end of a story. You never get to hear it. And when you're new, you hear that phrase, keep coming back. And you think, that's why. Yes. I keep coming back over the end of these stories out there. Alcoholics, they're very polite people. They go interrupt and after they're through with what they're saying, they say, sorry, were you talking? Okay, they're gone. And they all talk about all these terrible things that are happening to them. Talking about things I've been hiding all my life. Talking about going to jail. Guy says, you ever been to jail? Me? Hell no! I haven't been to jail. I went down to bail a friend of mine out one time but man, I don't run with that kind of riffraff. No! As you've been around the program two or three months why, you know, you tell it everybody about it's kind of a status symbol if you made the can, you know. But in the beginning, no. Guy stood up in front of the meeting that night and he told everybody what a jackass he was and they became hysterical. Every time he'd go to jail well, they'd laugh. Every time somebody beat him up, They'd laugh. The guy was drinking something called Jamaica Ginger. Give him the Jake leg, you know? God, is that funny? And my sponsor was a nudger. You know, all sponsors, I think, are nudgers. They sit there in those early meetings going, Did you hear that? Did you ear that? You know? If you want to say to him, for Christ's sake, I'm not deaf. Yes, I heard it. Well, he didn't know what he was talking about. Jamaica Ginger? No. Jake leg? I got to thinking in the beginning, hell, I can't even make an AA. hey, I can't qualify. I've been around a little bit. I made, you know, maybe 25 jails and drank a little Vitalis, but how the hell will I make it here? But that talker that night, he made a very profound statement. And all the talkers I heard in the early years, they made it a point to say, it don't make any difference what you drank or where you drank it or the amount you consumed or how old you are. It's what it's doing to you. And that is tearing up any part of your life. You don't have to go any farther. And when he said that, I wanted to jump out of my chair and I want to say buddy, you better believe it. It's tearing the hell out of my life. And I don't want to go any farther. And you said I didn't have to go any farther, and I believe them. Alcoholics Anonymous is a program by example. That's what it is. What he is speaks so loud I cannot hear a word he says. If I heard that once, I heard it a hundred times. By example is the program of AlcoholicsAnonymous. And there he stood. Stood a man who had had all that trouble who'd come off of the city street. And he was clean, and he was sharp, and his eyes were clear, and he laughed a lot. and he's running a set of threads that night. Geez, they must run them 100 1⁄2. I'm thinking, boy, if he didn't get nothing else from AA, didn't he get a set at Drapes Island? Man, that's all right. Yeah, I'll stick around a little, give me a set too. I am impressed with this thing that I see in front of me. I could relate. I could understand. And he says, if I can make it, you can make it, and I thought, by golly, maybe this is right. Maybe this is where I ought to be, and that's really the only other thing that I recall of that meeting other than that guy had been divorced by his woman and she'd remarried. And his kids hated him. But after a period of time, he bought the package of this program. His kids came down to see him. They learned to like him and then they learned to respect him and they learned to love him. I wish they would have looked around that night and never seen two or three of these tough AA guys sitting there in that meeting with tears in their eyes. And the story was told that night. The story as I understand it, and maybe it's oversimplification, but my understanding of Alcoholics Anonymous is that they laughed because they were miserable and they cried because they were happy and they called it AA. And it makes sense to me. Well, how do you clear away the wreckage of your rotten, lousy past? How do you move that crap out? Isn't the beginning of it all the day you learn to laugh a little? Man, when you get in here there's nothing to laugh about. And I'm sitting in them meetings and I'm not going to laugh but in spite of myself I'm standing there going Ha! Ha! Oh, Jesus! Don't let him see that! But you begin to laugh and when you do you start to bring the garbage out and you clear way the wreckages you passed and you put yourself into a position to get out there and start really living and to make them the amends where you can make them get out here and get it done. What a revelation it is. Some are accepted, some aren't. Some you want to make, they're not available. Don't let it get you down. I've been through that. I always wanted to go home and see my people and tell them I was sorry. They never saw me out of a jam from the time I was 13 until I was 27. They killed her in a car wreck. I always want to go home and say, Ma, baby, it's all right. I'm straightening out. You don't need to cry for me anymore. I'm going to be like the old man. of my brothers. I ain't going to booze no more and mean it. I'd always end up by saying, you know, pretty soon I'm going to do it. Later on, I'm gonna do it tomorrow. I'm gonna do us. Don't cry, baby. And I would go out and I would try to fulfill it. And they couldn't. And a way that you see it, I waited too long as it happens. And there's nothing I can do. It bothered me in the beginning and the initial, I want to go out. I want to say, baby, I am sorry. But I couldn't, I heard the serenity prayer. Gosh, I must heard it 30, 40 times, many of you. One night I heard it. He said, really heard it, except the things you can't change. And there it is. I can't change it. God moves in strange and mysterious ways, no matter what you do or you don't do. That's the way it's going to be. For all the money in the world on my right arm thrown in, I canít change it, itís wreckage of the past, Iíve got to move it out. Itís tough enough to live today with todayís merchandise, let alone trying to do something about yesterday I canít do a damn thing about. Itís wreckage of the past and Iíve gotta get the hell out of there. I know full well, you see, nobody goes forever. Someday they hang me out to dry. I make the shot. I check in. I say, baby, good to see you. I want to tell you something. I'm sorry for all the crap and trouble I caused you, but you know something got better after you left? Because I met a group of people, and they called themselves alcoholic pseudonymous. Not a rationalization, but just a pure and simple fact. And if you're new and there are things that are out there, remember you do all you can do, and if it's not there, it's not available. Get it out. Clear away that wreckage. Put yourself into the position to buy the package. The package of the program is the transition, to quit taking and start giving. As a person, you see, basically I'm a taker. I'm a takers are losers. You're looking at one. I used to think, you know, I had the key to happiness out there. Hell, I never had the Keychain. I never knew what it was all about to really be happy until I learned to give a little just for the hell of it. To sit in a meeting and feel happy because another guy is happy. That was the beginning and want nothing back. I remember in the early weeks or early months I can't remember exactly maybe two or three months I'm sober I'm sitting in a meet and a guy stands up in front of the group he's the guy I used to know come from the construction business big tough hard drinking six foot 200 pounds and rotten and this guy was one of the rottenest drunks I ever knew in my life he was so rotten he got 86 out of the Tulare Hotel for life. And man, you have really got to be rotten because the Tulare Hotel is rotten to begin with. They 86'd him. I lost track of him. And I'm sitting in his A meeting this night. He's hit up brand new. And up in front of the meeting he says, oh, rotten Frank. I couldn't believe it. And a woman come out of the door and she's carrying a cake. It's got three candles on it. Then he bent down and he blew out the candles as he looked out there at the people. And the tears were running down his face. And he said, man, I never had it so good. And then he sat down. And i wanted to jump up and i wanted to say, Frank, baby, tell me what it's all about. I sure love you and I'm happy that you're happy. And maybe that was a start. Maybe that was the beginning. I felt something for another guy. I was happy because he was happy. I do know that this is the key to the program, that it all began in 54, that the guy stood up there in front of the music and he says, Norm, you're new. Here, I give you the program. I give your AA. I gave you sobriety. I give you your life. You didn't buy it, you can't sell it. You give it away, Norm. Yes, you give it away. There isn't any way that I can justify or rationalize selling any piece or part of something. And he said the reward is insurmountable. I like to believe that these are the things he told me. The reward is insurmontable. Not something in a material sense but in a sense of well-being I'll guarantee you the world. And why did I drink whiskey? I drank whiskey because it made me feel good. It put me on the plateau. I had a sense of well being. I felt so good and I woke up in the morning it was gone. And in his place was that friend of mine, you met him his name was Remorse. You know he'd just tear my guts out every day and I'd drink a little whiskey and I wouldn't have to worry and I couldn't have that remorse well I replaced that the whiskey and the nagging and the feeling in the stomach for the feeling I felt since coming to the program and all I've had to do is to be willing to be willin' to give a little for the hell of it and want nothing back to pick up the ashtrays or make the coffee or go to service, general service, institution or work 12-step calls dozens of ways that you can give it away, and the reward is being able to walk down the street or driving in your car. It feels good all over. You want to shout, and you don't know why. It's the real living, I believe, of this program. It' s the real feeling that I find so very difficult to describe. And I'd like to tell you that these are things I grabbed at the first meeting, but that isn't the way it is. You've got to keep out there and you keep going. As a matter of fact, the second meeting I went to was the end of the last. Went to a meeting on the other side of town, one of them old-timers groups. Had to be sober 10 years to read the steps. The speaker that night, been in AA 137 years, this guy, old-timer, you know. Well, he talked. He always showed a picture of himself, great big blown-up mug shot, taking on what he's doing time in a county jail. And the point that he tried to get across was, look at me when I'm drinking and look at my face. Look at me now. I looked at the picture and looked at Arnie and thought, Christ, he looked better drunk than that guy did. Yeah. I've got to get the hell out of here. You know, this is the hell these guys have got to go, you Well, I went out the next day and I bought a pint of whiskey and I took a drag out of it and I threw it away. And from that day to this it hasn't been necessary. God moves in strange ways. At the third meeting I attended I met a half a dozen guys who were about the same age and we started going to meetings. And we went through all of the growing pains and all of pitfalls. We noticed right away there was a lot of cliques in AA so we formed our own clique to be against some other cliques out there. That's very important, you know. We used to have meetings after the meetings. They're very important. That way we'd get some in-depth inventories taken. We noticed they had a lot of rotten leaders and talkers and secretaries of groups in that whole valley. And the only way we were going to straighten that whole valley out, we'd run on one of our guys for the biggest group in the San Gabriel Valley. But you had to have a year in. They held us back for a while, but we got that year in! As soon as we got that year in, we run one of our friends for secretary of the largest group. They say there's no politics today. Man, don't you believe it? But they didn't know that they were dealing with some of the flakiest guys that ever came out of the valley. We went down to Baldwin Park in El Monte on election night, you know. This was prior. And we imported some of our friends into the meeting up there. And on election day, on election time, our friend Stan, he was voted secretary by a landslide. And two weeks later, joined the other cliques. Yeah. Put us on coffee detail, he did, yeah? Hell of a deal. He had the opportunity to look around. out, don't you? You come to find out that the only clicking in AA is a clicking in your head, that click, click, clack. All I've ever found in Alcoholics Anonymous is people who come from all walks of life. Yes, sir. There's some people out there I wouldn't do any drinking with, and obviously there's a lot of people who wouldn't drink with me. There are some people I'm not going to share all my sobriety with them, and they're not going to share theirs with me, but you know some. There ain't a man or a woman in this program who would dislike me so bad he'd like to see me take a drink. That he or she may disagree with everything I stand for in my business life, my A-life, my personal life. But what I call him, I would say, Charlie, for Christ's sake, come and see me. I've got to talk to somebody. He'd say, hang in there, Norm. I'll be there. And he'd be there and he would sit and he'd talk because he wouldn't want to see me go out one more time and get torn up in that meat grinder in that jungle. And so he would lay it on me even though he disagreed with everything that I stood for. That's got to be the best deal I ever had in my life. These are the things that have helped me through the years to make the transitions, to move out of the construction business, to go into another way of life, a 180-degree turn, a re-education, to make the decision to leave that job after 11 years. It was a tough thing. I'd been passed by half a dozen times. And they'd given better jobs to other guys that I felt weren't qualified and an ego that I've got. It wouldn't stand it. And I kept grinding and crushing, and I couldn't take it. And the serenity prayer says, accept the things you can't change, Norm. That's the way the company is. That'S the way THE BUSINESS IS. Don't forget you screwed them up out there for years, and they're not going to change. You've got a choice. You stay, and you accept it, or you move on. At least you've got a choice, and I resigned, and I moved on. And it was tough in the beginning before I knew it while the years went by, and... I'm eight years sober since 1962, and things are going pretty well, and all of a sudden, out of the sky, why, it fell in on me. And in 62, it was the worst year I ever had. Every two or three weeks, I'd have an honest desire to take a drink. I'd get that Arab service, man, I could taste that booze going down. I couldn't understand and I go to meetings and leave meetings and feel worse and I'm working a bad program and I got a rotten attitude and I am sitting there thinking why and I think it is going to get better cheer up and I did and it got worse and by the middle of the year I am standing in St. Luke's Hospital and I say Jesus why why me God you got to cut me up you got bring this heartbreak this grief this disappointment you got grind at one more trip why me I said, friend, I've been sober eight years. There should be some, you know, I should have some longevity. I should get a break. What are you doing to me? I'm trying to do it all right. I forgot to remember who I was and where I came from and what it took to bring me here. I forgot that the old shooter upstairs is the kind old man that he never gives you more than what you can pack, that he gives the big loads to the big horses out there and he gives us small ones to guys named Norm. Instead of standing around crying a poor mouth, friend, you better take a minute out of your busy day and look at the street and what do you see? I see a man down that street, he carries a load ten times the size of mine. And the only difference between he and I is he carries his with great dignity. He doesn't find it necessary to cry the poor mouth about what he didn't get. He stood and he says, buddy, thanks for what you gave me. Now would you come down again, an old friend? I know you'll be there. Give me the strength to say, thank you for whatyou gave me! Thank you for the twenty-one years you let me walk on the sunny side of the street! That if I get no more than that, I'm overpaid! For I know guys that'll never see 21 weeks. They're going to die out there on the street of booze and fantasy, busted dreams and broken hearts, tears by the bucketful. They won't see. They'll die in them rotten traps. They'll never be able to get up in the morning and make decisions of which way they're going live. I got up this morning, and I made the decision of whichway I was going to live. People didn't make it for me. I made it. When I drank out there, the world made the decisions. The banks, everybody that says, you know, Norm, get the money up. We'll get your car. The mortgage company says, well, get some money up and we'll get you a house. My woman says, get sober or get out. My boss called me into the office and he sat me down. He says, the next time I catch you drinking on the job, you're out. You drink too much. You're rotten. You'll never leave the state of California again for this corporation to get the hell out of my office. I want to reach over. I want a carry cart out. Couldn't do it, huh? Oh, no, I couldn't do that. I got to have that job. I gotto eat it. And I did. And I went outside. And I knew humility. And you do, too. We could write volumes because we've been humiliated so many times. But not today. Today I got up and I made the decision which way I was going to live. I get up in the morning and go out into that jungle and I can be a competitor. I can be respected by myself and be respected by people. I can do a hard job and a day's work and I drive home to a house where I live. I can met at the door by a woman and she'll be red-headed and be Irish and she'd be my woman and she's glad I'm coming in and she respect me because I'm her old man. And nobody will cry at my house today because their old man was drunk and tore it up. I ain't heard a kid of mine scream at me for years for me not to hit their mother. And I've watched them go from small ones into big ones, and I've sent them out to schools and watched them get educated. I've taken daughters downtown and bought them their first pair of high-heeled shoes and prom dresses. And I seen them make the transmission from chickens into women. And I felt the respect in their eyes for me because I'm their old man, the respect I felt for them, because they were my chickens to become women. I've seen the jerks come to the house and take them out too, you better believe it. And I sent invitations out to weddings and a miracle, people came. And 400 sat in churches and taking daughters down aisles. They didn't give them to jackasses, they buried them. And they'd walk in the middle of the night with phone calls and say, how are you grandfather? You got another granddaughter. It is moments like this that I feel so very well. It's moments like I experienced prior to this meeting. They're so very difficult to explain for all the money in the world, I couldn't tell you how I felt as we... The announcement came of the folks for 20 years. Those are the feelings that I try to explain and I can't get it across. I haven't the vocabulary or the understanding to truly tell you how I feel. Like a man and a buddy of mine so many years ago, he says, Norm, what is and I said, I don't know what it is. It's a feeling that one Elkie's got for another. It's something that's being there and it's being here. I can only tell you for sure that every loving thing I've got today is because of this program and every loving things I'll have tomorrow is going to be because of the program and you better believe this. It's been a hell of a walk from the L.A. County Jail to the point that I stand today but for the grace of God, Alcoholics Anonymous and friends like you, I could have missed it all. Thanks to me and God love you. Thank you.