Young People in AA Taught Me to Un-Be the Way I’d Learned to Be – Martin E.

My name is Mike, and I am an alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday night Blue Chip Speaker Meeting at the Nava Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, with one year or more of sobriety, tells his or her story. Hey everybody, I'm Tim, I'm an alcoholic, and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us will be persuaded to say, yes, I'm one of them too, I must have this thing. So, tonight's speaker is Martin. I know Martin from the Winter Circle Meeting. Winter Circle Meeting is at First Methodist Church of Chamblee on Thursday night, a big book study on Thursday night. Saturday night, when I usually go, is the speaker meeting, sometimes two 20-minute speakers, sometimes one. It is a fantastic meeting with a lot of young people. Some of them are here tonight, and thanks for coming, guys. The meeting's at 8, but these guys get there at 5.30 or 6 o'clock, they play basketball, they've all, a lot of musicians, they play, they, it's really a fun place to go to an AA meeting, and my wife loves it, you know, that's her favorite meeting. We love to go on Saturday night, and Martin's one of the guys there that's always looking for newcomers, doing the deal, and it's encouraging to see a bright young guy like that that really grabs this thing and runs with it, and they're not, just make it fun, remind you how much fun it can be to be sober. Martin, you're at home here, please help me welcome Martin. My name's Martin, I'm an alcoholic. Girls, okay. So, I would like to read something. It's from the big book, and it's from page 172, and it's like a rough story. And then he says, My whole life seemed to be centered around doing what I wanted to do without regard for the rights, wishes, or privileges of anyone else. And that's my story. I could literally sit down from here, but that wouldn't be very exciting. So, my name is Martin, I'm definitely an alcoholic, and I originally thought that meant that I drank too much alcohol, which is absolutely the truth of my life. I got here to AA and learned from a lot of knowledgeable individuals who had, not only experienced the depths of alcoholism, but recovery from it, and they taught me that there's this thing called the spiritual malady, and that's ultimately what I dealt with, right? And so, in having a spiritual malady, and being an extremely selfish and self-centered individual, not only did I do a lot of alcohol, I did a lot of drugs. I did a lot of self-centered behaviors, manifesting and hurting others, whether it be maybe physically, or just violent, or sexually. All the things that we do, I've done them all. So, jumping into, I'll tell you a story. Let's see, I'm from North Georgia. I remember my first time drinking, just one of those things that just reminds me that I'm an alcoholic. We call them screwdrivers, I didn't know that at the time, orange juice and vodka, and I was like 12 years old, and so when we're drinking this vodka, and we're just chasing it with orange juice, and just scratch, you know, for a 12 year old, and you're just chugging vodka, I got extremely drunk, and I was like, and we ran out of orange juice, not long into it, because we didn't like the way the vodka tasted, and we're in this parent's basement, it was me and another friend, and so, you know, obviously, you know, 12 years old, I already got to the point where it was, I didn't want to stop drinking, so what, you know, being out of orange juice, so I just started chasing the vodka with the mouthwash, which also has got a little extra alcohol in there for me as well. And so, and I can remember that was on like a Thursday night, and being, I got a church service that following Sunday, like still throwing up, and obviously when you're 12 years old, and your mother is not a drug addict or alcoholic, she just thought it was a stomach bug or some sort. So, just like right from the rip, you know, like people talk about, you know, using and feeling wholesome or whatever, like I got that. I was addicted from the get-go, from my first use it seemed. That was my first drink. I remember the first time using a substance, I was 12, it was just a little before this. I never thought that I was doing something bad, honestly. I was, you know, you hang out and you want to be cool growing up. That's a normal thing. You want to be accepted by others. And it just happened to be the group that I wanted to be accepted by were some of these older guys who were doing drugs and alcohol. And so, and this, my same friend's older brother, and he said, hey, do you want to take these? And it didn't even register to me, hey, do you want to do drugs and be a bad boy? I heard, you know, do you want to be cool? Yeah, I wanted to be cool. I'm a 12-year-old boy. That's all I wanted to be in that moment in my life. And so, and I, you know, I had never known what I wanted to do with my life. 12 years old, most people want to be an astronaut or a doctor or a cowboy or something like that, something cool, or a professional athlete. I didn't have much direction at that point. And I took those pills, and I'm telling you, 37 minutes later, I knew in my heart I wanted to be a pharmacist. And we laugh. I literally followed that for a couple of years, and I continued to look into, like, what college I would get online. I'd be like, you know, where's it good to go to be a pharmacist and blah, blah, blah. And the funny thing about that is you actually have to study and do good work at school and stuff. And I wasn't doing that at all. That was not a byproduct of my drug use. And so I just got into dealing drugs, the next best thing, right? And so, yeah, so, you know, it didn't seem abnormal at the time. It's such a retrospective thing. You know, I'm in middle school, and I'm stealing, you know, these hard liquors. And I'm sure I went through this, and, like, I put just a little bit of every kind of liquor. And I got some Bailey's, like, cream stuff in there with, like, some, you know, I got some moonshine, and then I got a shot of, you know, a little bit of some champagne or something. And, like, man, I would nurse that bottle in middle school. And I did so good in middle school, they let me have a second year of eighth grade. And so I did that, and I went to a new middle school. I got in trouble at the one I'd been in and more trouble at another one. And so in middle school, I first got introduced to the idea of recovery in a way. I got in some trouble with some substances and some alcohol at school. And so I had a bunch of trouble at home. And it ultimately led to a first suicide attempt. And my mom tells this really pitiful story of me coming to the hospital, right? And I think they pumped my stomach and some stuff. Shocks me out. I'm crying, right? And she says, all I can say is I just want to feel better, right? And that was really the truth. I really did not want to be bad. I genuinely wanted to feel better. And the book talks about chasing the night insane to the gates of alcohol or chasing the night to the gates of insanity or death. And I literally have lived a couple years of my life like hanging on those gates, like wanting to be on the other side, it seems like. And so a very evident higher power is continuing to work to not let me end up on that other side. And so I get introduced to recovery. And so I'm this little middle schooler, and they take me into these classes. And what do they do? They teach you about every substance and type of alcohol in the world. And your mind is just blown. You're like, when you're at that age, it was just absolutely baffling. And so I left. I was just so excited to get into all the other things that I had been missing out on. And so I didn't know these things that like, oh, I've been having all these terrible headaches because wine has sugar in that. I learned that in there. And they're just like, oh, great. And so anyway, and so I went on to high school. And so I got really into playing basketball. You know, like the obsessive nature. I don't know. I feel like a lot of us probably struggle with that. I know I sure did. And so I would literally, I would wake up sometimes. And I would practice. Like 5 a.m. I would do drugs through the evening in my apartment. I mean, my house. And with my brother, who I'm so glad is here tonight. We did a lot of drugs together. Now we're in AA together. That's fun. And I would still manage to get the insanity or the neuroticism because I desired to be enough so bad to make others notice me that I could be enough. And so I was going to be the best at anything I did. When I was little, I was going to be the best at yo-yoing. I was going to be the best at pogs or building little boats or whatever it was. I just wanted to be noticed. I wanted to be enough. And so that manifested in basketball. And so I'd wake up and I'd practice. Then I'd go to school and practice. And then I would drink throughout the school day or do drugs throughout the school day, whatever I could get my hands on. And that went, obviously, I got in trouble throughout my freshman year of high school. Got suspended a couple games. Our county was like one of the first counties in Georgia to start the random drug screening thing. Where, like, they'll just come in. I'm like, you know what? I'm going to do this. I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that. And so I'd go out on a random day and just test all the athletes. And you had like a couple hundred athletes in a big high school. And isn't it funny that I somehow got chosen like that first time? And so, and they called my sweet little mother once again, who's just like an amazing woman. And they were like, you know, hey, your son's failed for this. And my mom called me and, you know, she's like, Martin, you have failed for drugs, you know. And I jumped on there and I was like, oh, mom, you know, I didn't know that there was marijuana in that cigarette. And I immediately ripped it into my lies. And, you know, she replied back with, I had failed with much more drugs. I had failed with much more intense substances. I had some cocaine and some other pills in there. So busted myself for marijuana was just another side note there. And so the consequences started to roll in. And still at that age, there was, you know, I had lived in such an intense amount of that neuroticism that I was talking about, wanting to be okay. And that the alcohol relieved that for me, that there was no way in my mind I thought that I could give that up. It just didn't seem plausible. And so really just like trying to think like, well, how can I, right, we talk about an environment. You know, how can I survive? How can I change my environment? How can I change my brand? How can I change? You know, I will change everything around me to make sure I can still continue to drink and ultimately achieve the result that alcohol produces in my life. And so, right, I'll lessen my ambitions of the college I want to try to go to. I'll lessen, you know, how I want to be seen by my friends and family or the people I hang out with or, you know, girlfriend's expectations. Whatever it be, you know, I changed all those things. So I continued to drink and do drugs ultimately the way I wanted to do. And so I think my sophomore year maybe, I woke up in the middle of the night. I got caught in like a couple hundred pills. And so, you know, when you're a sophomore in high school and you can barely drive, you're not supposed to have a bunch of illegal drugs. And so I woke up in the middle of the night and my brother's there. Our parents were divorced. They've been divorced their whole life. And everybody, he's dressed up. Everybody had like something fairly nice on. My mom had something nice on. My dad had like a college shirt on. And so, and my stepdad was there. And so it seemed like a dream. And then there's these two very large men. These bald-headed large men who were quite muscular. All in my bedroom. And it's 3 a.m. And so it's like, you know, is this a dream? Is it way too real to be a dream? And they're like, all right, Martin, we're sending you away to school for a while. And that was exciting to me. I was like, yes, let's go, you know, somewhere fun. And we get in the car. And it's really weird. You know, I'm sure someone's done it. And one of the dudes sits in the back and he keeps his hand on you the whole time. It's like a six-hour car ride with this large man with just like a hand on me at all times. And he tries to carry on talk, though, like we're good and we're friends. And they drove me to one of those survival urban wilderness schools where you hike around in the woods for a few months. And that will sober you up. And you won't drink alcohol anymore, supposedly, is the idea behind that. And so three months later, I get out of this program. And I come back. And obviously I got to go see the girlfriend, right, because that's of monumental importance. And so and, you know, they talk about if you hook me up to a live tester test, I would have said that I didn't want to do it again. And I was there. I was in high school, right, you know, drinking too much. And then I'd go get in. There was a family restroom at our high school. And I would just lay there on the floor and just vomit and cry. And I would, like, talk to God or whoever I perceived to be God at the moment. And, you know, if you could sober me up or if you could help me change my life, you know, like I really wanted to do that. And so when I went to this place and I got back, I really wanted to, like, not ever do drugs again. I truly meant that in my heart. We had never implemented a plan, though, what would happen if I ran into alcohol or drugs again. And so that very night, when I went to see the girlfriend, the younger brother, was like, hey, man, you know, I thought about you the other week when these chocolates came through town. And I thought, what a kind gesture. I'm clearly going to eat this. For those who don't know in the audience, those are hallucinogenic mushrooms covered in chocolate. And so I ate those. And so, you know, it was one of those nights where it was one of the worst nights of my life. There was absolutely no fun to it where you're just hugging the porcelain God, you know, and just praying, you know, God, if you sober me up, I'll never do this again. So I sobered up. And, of course, I went to church. I did that again. And so, you know, this just gets worse and worse. And I eventually get to go to college. And I didn't do anything to get into a college. I met a man who him and his brother had graduated, and they were financial supporters of the college. And so I got to go to Belmont University in Nashville to do music business, study music business. And so you won't believe it. They had alcohol and drugs in Nashville, y'all. And so, you know, I kept off the hard stuff. I kept it to just, like, right, drinking beers. Right. And to smoking marijuana and to just, you know, shooting the hard liquor and stuff. And I didn't see a problem with that. Like, that's not weird if you wake up and shotgun some beers and a couple shots of liquor and, you know, maybe snort a little Adderall because you are a student now. Right. And so it was, like, literally, like, I thought that I was doing great. And I'd go about my day and be like, man, you're killing it at life. And meanwhile, other people don't, you know, they don't put vodka in a water bottle and go to class. I mean, we all do. Probably everybody sees people in here shaking their heads. That makes sense to us. Right. So I continued to get in trouble. Right. I mean, that's essentially it. While in Nashville, I spent three, I did three full years of college, two summer semesters. I took over 100 credits. I got banned from the University of Vanderbilt. I got banned from the Ryman Auditorium. I got banned from Belmont University. So at this point, I'm banned from a large part of Nashville. And so I decided to come back home. And so on that drive home, you know, I got banned from those schools because it's frowned upon to be found in family bathrooms with syringes in your arms passed out by visitors that's looked down upon. And so I fell asleep while driving. I shot up on the way home. And I fell asleep while driving. And I crashed in between. I mean, if you've ever been in Nashville, there's these mountain roads. There's nothing there. And I crashed where they happened to be doing construction work. And they put up those things on the very edge of the highway on the white lines, those little walls. You know, it's just one of those things you look back on, and it's just like, whoa. You know, like in the moment, I didn't even think twice about it. I was just upset that I crashed. And, you know, I don't have my drugs. Like, we're going to put these little copies here. But, like, I look back on it, and I just remember, like, whoa. You know, how lucky have I been? How lucky have I been all those times? And so, so, yeah, I came. And when I, speaking of my scholastic experience, I wasn't doing good while I was there. When I went back to school in sobriety here. In the past few years, after taking 100-something credits, I transferred into GPC with eight. So, you know, I don't even know how that, it doesn't even seem possible. So, you know, and there were some that I did actually pass that GPC just didn't care how much you knew about the record business. That didn't seem applicable to a psychology degree. So, understandable. So, but I know a lot about RCA. And so, anyway, and things got worse. You know, like, things always got worse. You know, like, I. I would make these half-hearted attempts to do some sober time. And throughout this time, like, in Nashville, you know, I would get into a little recovery here and there. And I would genuinely try. I really would try. Like, these attempts that I thought were trying. And I came back and I tried to, you know, just be a man and get a job. Right? Just to grow up. And I always thought that. You know, like, when I was 18 and I was doing the things I was doing or even earlier in middle school. I just thought, one day I'll wake up and I won't drink like this. Right? And I would be a man. And I had these thoughts that, like, I would have this family. And I would have these great kids. You know, I don't care what color you want to paint your fence. And I wasn't going to be white, though. But I would have that dog and that cat and all those good things. And I would sit on the bar stool. Right? And I would just imagine being plucked from that place into this one. I could always imagine here. But I never was willing to put in the work to get there. And ultimately, because I was so scared that I would fail and never make it. Right? And so, I hid in the bottle. I hid in the substances. Because I was too fearful to ever, you know, I couldn't even muster the courage to go for the things I wanted to in life. And so, I came back home. And I'm going to try to be this man. And I'm working. And work is not going well. You know, I was stacking dead chicken for a point. And stacking dead chicken doesn't go good when you're a drug addict and alcoholic. And then I came to Mason. And this time. I had gotten really big into the idea that if I could just not do drugs. And not do too much hard liquor. That that was genuinely sobriety. I believed that somehow. Genuinely that was sobriety. And so, I would go to N.A. And so, I would be, you know, like I haven't done any heroin for this long. Like I am clearly sober. And I would pick up chips. And I would tell you how to do the deal. And I stayed away from A.A. Because I was not drinking. And so, it was bad, y'all. I remember I got kicked out of the Hall County Hall Club one time. Because I passed out out of a chair. I was literally like, I went in. Right? And I'm all hopped up and drunk. And so, front row seems like a good place when you're on your A game. And, but like 30 minutes into the meeting, you know. And it's really all starting to take it. And I started to do that dance that we do when we're, like this one. And I went too far forward. And I just fell out of the chair. And like the discussion person just like took me outside. And asked me not to come back that day at least. And so, and so anyway. And so, let's see. At that point, you know, I woke up every day. And a lot of people talk about, you know, they get to recovery. And, you know, they're scared of dying. And I get that. There was a lot of fear of death on some level. I had gotten to a point where I was scared of living. And that really was the case. I woke up every day. And I literally, I would cry. That's how I would start my day. Here I am, supposed to be this man. I'm raised in the Southeast United States. Like I'm a man. And I like football. And I like beer. And I am tough. Rawr. You know. And I carry these large, you know, these big knives in my car and stuff. You know. And I wake up and I cry every day. And I wake up and I cry every day because I was terrified. Because I knew what I was going to do to feel the way I wanted to feel. Right. I didn't want to do what I was going to have to do to drink or to do drugs again that one more day. And I knew that I didn't have the ability not to do it. And it was such a miserable thing for me. And I remember waking up. And I had been at my father's house that night. And I was sitting in the bathroom and I was crying. This was, you know, we have morning routines these days. That was my morning routine back then. And so I'm sitting in the bathroom and I'm just crying. Just sitting in the floor of the bathroom crying. And I had the weirdest thought. And I was like, today I'm going to get arrested doing what I do. And I actually got arrested that day. It wasn't cool. I remember sitting in the jail and being like, wow, I really messed that one up. So I got in trouble for another burglary charge. And that's what I did every day. I woke up and I went and broke into people's houses. And it was a good living. And so this is how I made it to Atlanta from North Georgia, right? And they sent me to Ridgeview, right? And so I'm always willing to play ball with the law. I got in trouble in Nashville. I got in trouble with some dude in Hall County. I was always willing to do whatever it took to reduce the sentence. But I never was truly willing to want something different for my life to the extent that we're going to do the kind of work we do in AA. And... So I went to Ridgeview and we started, you know... Atlanta AA was a lot better than Hall County AA and Nashville AA that I've been to. They were pretty girls. Lots more coffee and you didn't have to fight over it. And there were, like, young people, period, was exciting. In Hall County there were a lot of, you know, just, and they're too old and you're not old enough and they always spilled more than you drank. So it was an intimidating place. And so I went to Ridgeview. I left Ridgeview. They encouraged me to go to Hope Homes. And I went to Ridgeview. And I went to Hope Homes. And I got kicked out of one of the Hope Homes. I wasn't really doing the deal. I went to, like, eight, nine meetings a day. I was just a meeting, you know, like I would make some meetings. And essentially because I really wanted to socialize. But I wasn't really doing the step work, right, which was where I now would tell you most of all my changes come from. And so, and then I would, right, I would break all the rules. I would have girls over. I'd smoke cigs in the apartment. I would... I was not... I would do these gas station drugs as well as this thing I went through. I would go to, like, the vitamin shop. And they'd be like, take one for relaxation at night. So I'd wake up and I'd take, like, 32 of them. And... No joke. And... Or I'd go to the gas station, you know, it'd be like Zan-X. And they actually spell it Z-A-N-X. And you'd be like, oh, that's clearly necessary for my work day. And so... And then I got into this weird thing because I don't... I'm a guy. I'm a trash can, man. I don't care what you got. I, you know... We... You know, we're going to... Anytime, anywhere, I just want to... I want to feel different than how I felt inside for a larger amount of time. So I got into... I don't know what to call them besides boner pills. They give you a rush, right? They make you feel like you're on uppers. And so I would go to a gas station. I would eat five or six of these boner pills and just, like, go to a work day. And... Yeah, you talk about like a weird and lost boy. I remember my mother and I were going to go to Nashville to... I was in trouble with the law. And we had to go face some court struggles. And it's funny, but this is how miserable I was. That I'm going on a five-hour car ride with my mother. And we get to the gas station. And I don't have an ID. So what did I buy? I bought five boner pills. And I took those bad boys for a five-hour car ride with my mother. And... I'm talking about a weird car ride. And it is funny, and we laugh now. But the... How pitiful I felt in my heart to have to make that decision at the time. I was like, I was sad, y'all. I was sad. And... And so... Anyway... So weird stuff like that. Meanwhile, I'm thinking I'm sober. Before I got into some of those drugs, I had acquired about a year of clean time, or separation from substances. And I was sponsoring people. And I was going to meetings. And I was willing to make some amends to like some family members and to some friends and stuff. But I wasn't really doing the deal. I got kicked out of One Hope Homes for choking out my best buddy that's frowned upon. And I... Yeah. And then I went to another hope home. And I got kicked out of that one. And so... So... And I lived on my own for a while. I actually was making some good money. To me, I was rich. You know, I lived in an apartment that I thought was absolutely awesome. I was buying guitars and amps that were... And pedals that I didn't even know how to use. And I was buying up... Buying them up. And I was driving a cool truck. And, you know, I was paying my own rent. And paying some bills. And so... I just really thought, right? All these things that I've been living my life thinking, if I can set all these things up, I'll feel okay. And so... And then... And then... And then... And then... And then... And then... And then I'm in a mixed car, right? All these things that I've been living my life thinking, if I can set all these things up, I'll feel okay. And I had all these things that I wasn't drinking and I didn't feel okay. And the apartment that I used to love coming to on the Chattahoochee River and thinking it's awesome. I'd get pissed off when just the bills come in. Or, I've got to clean it up. Right? And the job that asked me to come in on the occasional Saturday or like the extra day of the week or whatever. Like I get... I slander them. And I get angry. And I get ungrateful for it. And the girl... to think oh this is going to be a possible bride now she's a ball busting ball and chain you know what i'm saying and so it's just like what changed you know none of none of those things did the girl never did anything different right and the apartment situation never changed or the work situation never changed um that ism that right like exists within me i don't know what you want to call it that just that darkness like it was still so alive because i hadn't really done this work to change it and uh i could not be present i constantly lived in the in the in the fear of my past what i had done and what was going to happen i was never able to live in the here and the now i can actually never take a conscious breath and so i essentially went back to the only thing that had ever produced a present moment in my life and that was alcohol right because when i drink i wasn't fearful of what i had just done to get that drink and when i drink i'm not fearful of what's going to happen when i'm done drinking like i'm just there being drunk and so um and so i went back to that right and um having all those things within that first week i was uh i was in the hospital for an overdose and um not long after i had uh i was i had been i'm moving on some sober guys they kicked me out and so i'm living out of my truck and um i got into a i've gone on this span of shooting crack cocaine which is a not a wise choice um if anybody's thinking about doing it um and it got really bad you know and um we're gonna need to go into some of the craziness of it you know uh the externals are all you know there's so many people in here tonight who you know i don't know there's some people in here who've done some things that i've never done you know there's some it's all externals you know i used to go to these first step meetings and people used to talk about how many people they've pissed on and pissed off and just like all you know how many times they've been arrested and the crazy stuff they've done and then some other people over here never done that stuff and so they're wondering where were they at and where did they fit in and i just realized like those are all externals and that bit of surrender that i'd always been trying to like process and figure out like what did that mean surrender like an internal thing it was just like a light i finally came on one day and just realized like my butt was whooped by drugs and alcohol i can remember when it happened i had a unfortunate uh a second suicide attempt a fair suicide is what it's called and um i called i had pawned every little bit of thing i had with me and i was like oh my god i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i left and um i had what's called an able i'm sure some of y'all in the crowd know what that is and uh and i called him this little spiritual teacher that i absolutely loved and that i had just i had fallen in love with him while i was sober i never did anything that he said but gosh i could just like speed that like something was real in his life and um i told him what was going to happen and what i was going to do and uh and so when i did that i lit it up all these drugs and this uh i shot it up and um i went into like this like seizure like convulsion thing i was you know living on the truck i'm able to open the door and i'm rolling around the ground like a fish out of water going crazy and in that time the only thought that comes to really mind that i can remember was oh my god the people in aa were right they like right these people that i hated for so long and i didn't want to be like they were they were right and um and so bizarrely after getting up from that experience uh i got that same sort of future to get me into a the extension out in marietta and i stayed there for a little bit and um they decided this guy is definitely not serious and he's not going to stay sober and so they asked me to leave and um i got uh help getting into hope homes and uh man i hit the ground running you know when my sponsor said jump i didn't say how high i started jumping my butt off you know we'll change that later man just you just get to moving and um you know i was those people who got here and i really did i was not cool the god thing i you know i guess i've been raised in the area you know i had such a problem with the word god you know i didn't have a problem with the idea of this greater good this energy looking out for me in my life you know gloving and lifting me up like having my back i don't have a problem with that i had a problem with the word god right and uh and uh just to close my mind instead of bolting my heart in the area that i've been from and so going back to what i talked about a minute ago though with that internal surrender i finally hit that willingness right someone had been set off i was so willing to work for something different and there was no more there was no more uh that wasn't right i wasn't desperate for you know like oh maybe i'll do that maybe i'll do this i mean it was just i was hopeless right in the end of the doctor's opinion he talks about there's two stories that i want to share with you that uh that whenever i need to uplift i think about him and in both those stories he says two things he both hits hopeless no hope in both those stories and in both those stories he says they accepted the ideas outlined in this book in this book right that's what i did i was hopeless and like in hopeless it's kind of a simplified idea of acceptance and what i fully accepted is that my butt was whooped by alcohol and my butt was looked by drugs and um and so i came to quit i came to the work that we do in recovery and um so the first step uh you know for for i know some people do journaling some people just read the book uh all we really did was read the book and and go through my experience you know i i felt when i met with that sponsor for You know, I met so many sponsors before that in my day, and they always ask the same thing, are you willing to go to any lengths? And every time I'd say, you bet I am. And every time I was never willing to go to any lengths. And this last time I met up and he said, hey, are you willing to go to any lengths? And I said, I don't know. Right, I don't know. And that was my first experience with being honest in my life, I feel like. And so, you know, we're going over, you know, what powerlessness means to me, right? What does unmanageability mean to me? What does that look like? And so, step one wasn't hard for me to realize. Like I say, that was my first bit of spiritual experience, was like feeling that willingness to want something different. Step two, Ryan talks about on page 46, oh, we just have to have a willingness to believe something. We don't have to believe in it. And so, you know, my sponsor wanted to do the thing where we jot down characteristics of a higher power and what that looks like, so we did all that. Step three, we made a decision. Right, I decided that I'm going to, I didn't know what that meant. I really worked from the place of I don't know what God's will is, right? It's like, all right, we're going to seek and serve God's will every day. I had no idea what that meant, you know? Like I've been living out of my truck and doing drugs and drinking for the past 10 years of my life and things like this. What does God's will look like? And so, couldn't figure that out on my own, but I could figure out what it didn't look like. You know, it was, hey, don't steal that. You know, like, hey, don't do that to that girl. Hey, don't break the rules at the halfway house. You know, like, hey, don't steal money from work. Let's see. So, started fairly easy things like that. And step four, that was a weird concept to me. I'm going to write, right, my life story. I'm going to write down everyone I resent, all my harms, all my sex conduct. That was very weird. And, you know, it was funny. I remember, like, when he gave me, like, his packet from the AA website. And he's like, go scan off how many copies you need. I scanned, like, 10 off of resentment, 10 off of harms, 10 off of fears, the fear inventory. And then I, like, scanned off, like, 20 of them of the sex conducts. I was like, I'm going to have such a long sex conducts. I'm done. I didn't do many of them. I didn't do many of them. I didn't throw them all out. It was just funny how the ego works. And the longest one was by far the fears one. All right. It was by far the fears one. And that was for me specifically. And so. It was funny. You know, like, out of all the resentments, I could trace back. You know, the book talks about deep resentment. And, right? Because I didn't actually resent the principle. I didn't actually resent the man at the red light sometimes. Or this certain authority figure in my life. Right. I could trace all these back to this deep resentment of my father. Right. And so it was wild to get connected to some of those. And ultimately, gosh, it was so freeing. You know, I always tell this story. You know, and they talk about the resentment prayer. And they're in four and five. And, you know, I talk about being at the Kroger. And I love sneakers. I'm a big fan of sneakers. And my dress sneakers that I wear, they're light gray. And they have a touch of yellow. And I always wear those when my eyes are closed. I call them my dress Nikes. And I'm a big fan. And so I'm being a little spiritual warrior that I am. And I'm at Kroger one day. And I was getting some Prego. I'm getting something to make spaghetti. And I'm leaving. And I've got my bags. And I'm all excited. And I'm walking out the door. And I slam into something. And I drop it. And Prego explodes in my dress Nikes. And so I'm loading my mind with four-letter words to let this person know how I feel about them. And by the time I can make eye contact, I realize that this person is blind. And my mind goes from, oh, my God, you have an effort. Oh, my God, are you okay? And all of a sudden now I care about the shoes of the individual who can't even see their own shoes rather than my own. And to feel that way about the other people that I resent. You talk about freeing. To think that maybe this person was even hurting. To think that this person was hurting more than I had been. Maybe how to behave that way. Man, to get to set some of that stuff down was, phew, it was crazy. By the way, I didn't start dunking a basketball until AA. And so maybe that was dropping all those rocks that they talk about. So I don't know. That's something to look at. And so anyway, launching into 6 and 7, it was funny because I had experiences with AA before. And I would wake up. I was sober in AA. And I would wake up. And I would go to work. And I would steal sometimes literally like a thousand, over a thousand dollars. A day sometimes at work. And I'd wake up and I'd pray. And I'd be like, God, help me be an honest man today. Help me live with integrity. Help me live with courage. And I'd wake up. And like I did the books in the back right for this restaurant. And I would change the numbers. Like I was the one who read it all. And did the reports on it. And so I would change it up. And so I'd still, you know, a thousand dollars. And I would still stay clocked in on my lunch hour. You know, just like pathetic. Like wanted every little bit. I was so greedy. And I would go to these places with neon signs that you probably shouldn't be at in the middle of the day. When you have a. And you're in a committed relationship. And I would do these things. And I would go back at the end every day. And I would be like, well, God didn't rip these defects from me. How bizarre. I would just do that over and over again. And so getting to six and seven this last time. I realized there was more than just a prayer. You know, a half-hearted prayer that I was going to throw up. There were two parts to my prayers. There was a prayer that I said. And then there was taking the awareness to look for the action. And that day where I could practice the opposing asset. Because the opposite of selfishness was selflessness. Right? And so I wasn't just going to wake up one day and be struck selfish. And so I had to look for like just little opportunities that started with like, I'm going to do this guy's dishes. Or I'm not going to run the yellow light. I'm going to let this person go. The littlest things like that. And so, you know, it really made sense. You know, the idea they talk about on page, I think, is 62. Self-centeredness. Self-centeredness. That, I believe, is the root of our troubles. Right? And so when I came to realize that that was the root of my troubles. And in the same thread of thought, then selflessness is going to be the root of my solution. And how much sense that actually makes. Right? So this whole program, Bell Song, right? This altruistic movement they keep talking about in the doctor's opinion. These steps, these practices, these things that we do, all counterintuitive to what Martin finds cool, fun, or exciting, or hip. Right? But what they all do is they take chunks of self out of the situation. And they let me get connected to that greater good that's always been within. I've just never taken the time to get connected to that. And it talks about that in the book. You know, fundamentally down to every man, woman, child loves the idea of God. And, you know, I just had to get still. And quiet enough. And get enough self out of the way to get connected to that. And it's always been there. And I had no idea. And that's been the most amazing thing to get to experience. And so amends are by far the, were the hardest and the most right. And in proportion to how bad I didn't want to deal with the same amount of liberation I came from doing them. I mean, how do you amend some of the things that we've done? I remember going to my mother and saying, Hey, Mom, I've got to make amends. Here's, you know, give me a little spiel. She just starts crying. And I'm not great with crying women, clearly. I'm not the best with that. And she just starts crying. And I look, well, it's really long. And she's like, what a stupid step in Alcoholics Anonymous. What a stupid thing to think that you can amend the things you've done in your life. I'm like, well, what do you mean? And it's like, when you rehash these things. You know, there was a time when there was a certain surgery that happened or something, a procedure in the hospital. And all the families meeting at the hospital. And I got there and all drugged out of my mind. Right? And I remember Mom. Just was letting me have it in the parking lot. And I laid hands on my mother that day. And, you know, it wasn't because I would ever want to hurt my mother. It was because she did nothing but tell me the absolute truth of myself in that moment. And the truth of myself I couldn't stand hearing. So I was like, how do you amend that? This being that you have birthed from your own body and that you've spent, you know, all these years with caring and wanting nothing but love and just kindness for. You know, and they would do something like that to you. How do you make amends to that? You know, and like some of these girls. They said, well, the amends you can make to me would be to never contact me again. I don't even want to hear your name. You've hurt me so bad. And, you know, like that's a hard bit to get over. Because, you know, I can't buy you a psychiatrist and give you 10 years of therapy because I feel like that's what I needed to do for some people. Delmont's been a funny one. I literally sent them an email this past week and was like, hey, I stole this bench, this ashtray, all this furniture from the campus, blah, blah, blah. And at the end of it, it was like 100 chicken sandwiches. And so. Not to mention about like 78 spoons. Some of you will get that. And so, you know, it's just so wild and funny, some of these amends. And so liberating. I remember I once did one, one of the coolest ones, one of the coolest experiences I've been in. It was like literally a spiritual experience when I realized this. I was, there was a family that my dad was dating this lady with two kids. And I went down there and my amends trip was going to be with them. And they went bowling. And so I went bowling with them just trying to participate in the juggling and stuff. The whole thing. And, and I, you know, and they were, the kids were kind of depressed. And, you know, they were kind of bickering. The, the, my father and this lady was, she's not my stepmother. And I went in the bathroom. And this is just, you know, counterintuitive. Obviously, I've been trained well by you guys at this point. And I go in the bathroom and I get on my knees and I pray. Just like I did before this meeting. It trained me so well. And I get on my knees in this dirty bathroom and I'm, I'm praying for these kids. And I'm praying, I'm praying for peace in their life. And I'm praying for, for kindness. And love for how, you know, for God to be the glue between this relationship. Between my dad and this lady. And in that moment, I had this flashback. That I had been in this same bathroom in North Georgia years before shooting dope. Right? And here I am in the same stall. And I'm praying for other people. And you talk about a weird experience and a full 180 in life. Like that was, that was it. Like I had realized I had really, I had changed. And, and so that's been a really, that's been a cool thing to be part of. So, um, 11, 10, 11 and 12, um, 10 is where I check with where I'm at with my three essentially. Right? I'm continuing to take personal inventory. Why am I continuing to do that? I'm continuing to remove bits of self that get in the way that block me from this creator that I've now gotten in this very conscious contact with. And so, you know, these things I do on a daily basis. These morning routines. These taking inventories at night. God, wherever I'm resentful, selfish, dishonest, or self-seeking, I think is the other one. Um. Yeah, like this is what I go through every night. And, um, 11, I've had no more growth in anywhere in my spiritual game than with meditation. You know, I would never have wanted to meditate. I'm a closed-minded redneck from the North Georgia mountains. Never would I think that, like, I'm going to, you know, like love meditation. That man that I was telling you about, that little spiritual teacher of mine. And, uh, he, uh, he talked me into coming to meditate with him one day. And I was like 10 days sober. And I honestly, at that point, like I had, like I was already starting to think that maybe I had a move or two left. And I literally started shooting lime juice to try to trick some, uh, maybe one or two people in here would get that. Try to trick my body to stop withdrawing. And, uh, and so, not using drugs, but definitely not sober behavior there. And, um, I wanted to meditate with him. And they talk about these white light spiritual experiences that I was laughing at people for talking about. Man, I had one. I mean, you talk about a mind-blowing experience. I had something occur to me in that moment. You know, and to stand up here and try to put it into words is really a joke in and of itself. Right? And if you've had one, you're nodding your head and you know what I'm talking about. Uh, but there was a bit of connectedness in that moment that I had never felt. And it just, I mean, it gives me cold chills thinking about it. And I got up from that cushion that day and I literally didn't even talk to him. I called him the next day to process it because it was so bizarre. I got up and I just left. And from that day till this one, I've worked my butt off to try to like just live and get to like have some deliberation that other people in here, that's all they had. Right? And I had no idea how you got there. And it was genuinely just a lot of work. You work. And, um. And I did that, you know, and I originally, you know, I had this healthy fear. So I'm going to get my butt whooped by drugs and alcohol. Right? I originally came in here with this huge flame under my butt. But, you know, and I'm running from that. I'm running from addiction. And what happened is I took some of that flame from my butt and I put that into my heart. Right? And I got this fire in my heart now. And I stopped running from something and I started running towards something is what we're talking here. Right? And so while I got up and I did the morning routine again today or, you know, while I go pick up Swansea, which is out of my way, I love you. Well, you know, okay. But you need it. Um, you know, it's like all these things that I still go and do. It's not because like in my mind, it's like, oh, I'm going to get eaten a lot by alcohol again. You know, it's just like, no, I love what I got. I love what I got. Uh, and I want to hold on to that. And obviously I know in the back, you know, like I know that if I don't continue to do this, like I'll lose it. I know that. Um, but that's transcended by like the joy that I get to live like through like practicing the program. I've called synonymous. And so which brings me to why I work so hard at doing this whole step, because if I could help. If one dude, like my sponsor helped me, I mean, man, I could just sit up here and get teary eyed about it. If I could help one person change their life, like mine got changed, my entire life would be worth it. Uh, you know, I guess it's, it, it's, it's truly baffling. You know, my definition of cool is like all that ever changed. Right. I opened the story talking about how bad I wanted to be cool. What happened is I came in here and I said, I think that guy's kind of cool. Right. And what that guy was doing. What was respect in his family, right? And what he was doing was he was paying his bills and he was loving others. What that guy was doing was just living the will of a greater good that he had come to believe in. And all that looked like, it's usually going to live the ideals of kindness. He was going to smile and just like be a good guy. That's all I ever really wanted to do when I was a little boy. Right. And so it was all genuinely learned behaviors that she taught me. I never popped out of the womb, a drug, a alcoholic and thought to myself, I'm going to splat this nurse on the ass, take a shot of hard liquor and go for a wild ride. You know, like I wasn't born that way. Like I learned to be that way. And I, and I learned to un-be that way through my mentors at Alcoholics Anonymous. Right. I came in here and I sat down, I showed up and I sat up the chairs and I sat down the chairs and, you know, I made the men's when I was told to make the men's, you know, I just put a little bit of ego out of the way for the first time in my life. And, uh, the rewards can't be quantified in anything at all. But, you know, if you work, if you're in here, you're either, you're working towards it. And, uh, if you got any of that liberation. I'm so excited for you. Uh, thank you so much. Thank you, Will and Zach for coming out here. I'm going to hear us. Thank you. Thank you, Martin. That was great. And I have asked Tinsley to come up and has out the chips. My name is Tinsley. I'm an alcoholic. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I really enjoyed that. Here at this meeting, we have a chip system to mark our time away from our last drink. If you'd like to try this way of life one day at a time, we offer a white chip. Anybody like to pick up a white chip? That's a 30. 30 days, we have a silver chip. Anybody got 30 days? Red chip for 90 days? How about a yellow chip for six months? A green chip for nine months? Any birthdays? Anybody want to reconsider on a white chip? Take care of the chips you hold.