Women in the Rooms Were My First Healthy Relationship with Another Human Being – Angela W.

All right, it's 8 o'clock. Let's have an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. All right. My name is Chris Ward. I'm a Grateful Recovered Alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday night Blue Chip Speakers meeting at the NAVA Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more sobriety tells his or her story. We believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I'm one of them too. I must have this thing. All right, so Kelly is going to introduce our speaker tonight, who was a shuttle mate of mine at one time, and we got reintroduced. So here's Kelly. Thanks, Chris. Hi, I'm Kelly. I'm an alcoholic. It is my honor to get to introduce your speaker tonight. I met Angela about nine, over nine years ago when she walked into our home group, and she was pretty broken up. And she walked into our A&A meeting up at Knott's Landing in Duluth, at noon. We became instant friends. This is a person I've got to see carry the message and have a psychic change. And the promises have come true in her life. She'll tell you about her story. This is what A.A. can do for somebody. And this woman went from dark to light, and she's truly an inspiration. I'm so grateful to know her. Welcome, Angela. My name is Angela, and I'm an alcoholic. Hi. My sobriety date is January 21st. I'm 28th, 2007, so I can't believe that I have been sober almost as long as I was drinking. So that's pretty unbelievable. When I first used to walk into the rooms and I would see people that had been in here for like two years, three years, six months, you know, I would be so in awe because I thought, how can you get to that place? And so I'm grateful to be standing here today. And I'm also a crier, so I'm going to try to maintain it. Prior to coming, you know, I've told my story several times. It's been about seven years. I have a seven and a five-year-old, so I was kind of out of commission as far as like speaking, but coming to meetings. But I don't remember being this nervous before. But I've heard this quote in the rooms that nervousness is just God trying to share the truth out of you. So although I was trying to think of a very elaborate lie, it was too much work, so I'm going to tell the truth. Today about my story. I love quotes, and I guess that's kind of why I was drawn to the big book when I first came into the room. Everything that was all the information, all the thoughts that I had, everything that I didn't know, wanted to know, was swirling around in my head about who I am and who I thought I wasn't. And when I opened the big book for the first time, and saw that other people felt the same way, I was like, oh, my God, I'm not alone. Tissue. My first year birthday, my home group got me a box of tissue from Costco. One of my most favorite quotes is by a man named Howard Thurman. He's a writer and a philanthropist. And he states, don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs. Is people who have come alive. And it's funny because for most of my life, I didn't feel alive. Honestly, I didn't know what that feeling was until a few months into this program. I often say that, you know, I was existing in the world. But when you don't know anything else, that's your life. And then you see people in here, and they're smiling and laughing and, you know, walking around with a smile on their face. And you think, what are they taking? But they're not taking anything. They're sober. And I wanted what they had. When I first started this process, I was asked, before I came into the program, I was asked what my happiest memory was as a child. After struggling to remember, I quickly went to about when I was eight years old. And I was in a dream. And in the dream, it was this beautiful sunny day. All these little kids were playing and having fun. No adults. We were well-behaved, but having fun. And I could feel the wind, and I could see kids playing. And it felt so nice. And then I was rudely awakened by my mother, which is, anyway, telling. And I tried so hard. I went back to sleep. And I want to go back to that place, and I couldn't. I could not go back to that place. And ever since then, I remember always trying to find that elusive feeling of bliss and euphoria. When I was about middle school age, I remember going to a friend's house, and the friend's mother bought alcohol. Well, alcohol-like, because it was wine coolers. I remember drinking it and pretending I was, like, all, you know, drunk. And I thought, why would people drink this? It's nasty, and I don't feel anything. I remember thinking very clearly. For many years, I stayed away from alcohol. I didn't do drugs. I was a good student. I did very well in school, probably to avoid being at home. Got a lot of praise from teachers and friends, but where I wanted the attention the most was at home. My father was an alcoholic. My mom and dad divorced when I was about six. Funny enough, he was not the one that I have the most resentment towards. He was a happy drunk, if there's such a thing. My mom grew up in South Korea. My dad was still transitioning from being a communist. She didn't grow up in a family where people were very loving and say, I love you, and hug, and my father was the opposite. He was from here. Living with her, that was what I was always looking for, is her attention. My earliest memory of alcohol was we lived in military housing, and I was standing at the top of the steps, and I saw red all over the walls, and it was ketchup. But my mom was very, very mad at my dad, and my dad was very, very mad at my mom, and my dad was very, very mad at my mom, and my dad was very, very mad at my mom, and my dad was very, very mad at my mom, and this was before ketchup was in plastic bottles, and she threw a ketchup bottle, and there was blood everywhere. And I'm looking down, about six years old, and he's kind of like, oh, what are you so mad about? And I didn't put it together until later that he was drunk. And who knows, you know, for a long time I would always blame her, like she was so mean, she was so mean, but of course I didn't know the full story. The next memory is during the day I was sleeping, and I hear a ching. And I open my little eyes and look, and he's looking at me, and he's going, I have this little piggy bank that's plastic that you have to, like, burn open. And he's burning the bottom of the piggy bank open. And he took money out, and I remember raising up in the bed, like, going to ask him, what are you doing? And he just said, shh. And he left, and I don't remember seeing him that night. Of course, now I'm thinking that he stole the money out of my piggy bank. But even with that, I had a lot of compassion for him because he showed me love. He was loving. So my parents divorced, middle school. I remember going to visit him, and he drank a lot. He smoked a lot. He was a Vietnam vet, and he would drink. He would wake up at night and look at the ground and say to whoever he was seeing, please don't die, please don't die. And I would say, yeah, you know, and I'd try to wake him up, you know, but... He was, what I realize now, suffering from PTSD, and there was no help. And he did that a lot. He would wake up screaming. Pretty sad. One day, going to visit him, he was drinking, and there was, like, cans everywhere, and little strange cigarettes, and lots of regular cigarettes, and a little ashtray. And I went, and I was... I was so mad. And I took the cigarettes, smashed them up, threw them away, took all the beer, started pouring it out, and he came out, and he's like, what are you doing? And I'm like, I have to throw it away. And you know what? Having never, ever raised a hand to me, he smacked my face, like, not even hard. My mom used to beat me, so... And I cried, because I was so in shock. And ever since then, he's stopped drinking. I remember going... I remember going to the Wach Wachs, and he would meet these guys, and they would carry these funny blue books, and he had this little plaque that said, you know, one day at a time in his room, and all I knew is that he didn't drink. And these guys were funny. And then, a year later, he found out he had cancer. And even with cancer, he did not go back out and drink. And at his funeral, there were lots of people from AA there. So, after graduating high school, and going to college, I started hanging out with folks, and still didn't drink. People drank, did stuff, and I just didn't, because it doesn't make me feel anything, any different. And then one day, somebody said, you know, and substances are part of my story, so they told me about this little pill that makes you feel very euphoric. And I immediately was like, huh, that's what I've been looking for. Ever since then, it was like, this is it. Like, I felt... connected. I felt loved. I felt, you know, all those things that you feel. And I thought, well, if it feels this good, it can't be that bad. You know, that went on. And you go out, you have fun, you blah, blah, blah. And then, it's like, well, if I ever stay up this many days, then I'll stop. Or if I ever do this, then I'll stop. And there were all these, like, levels that I would stop. But still, it was like an afterthought. And at that time, I started to drink when other things weren't available. And I found tequila. And that makes you feel different. And, just in case you guys didn't know, funny enough, that's what brought me to the runes, not the other things, because I had this false sense of stability doing the other things. And alcohol, I felt like, oh, this is no good. I can't do this. I used to work in a bar and serve alcohol. And at work, I would never drink. That was the thing. Once I drink, I am not working. So that was the, I just didn't. And I served alcohol, served alcohol. But as time went on, you drink some. And then you go a few days, and then you drink some. I was a binge drinker. And then it became every day. I would binge drink every day. But I'm still working. I haven't lost my job. Well, of course, because your job is okay with you drinking. That's how you make your money. I remember a customer was in, and he would drink, like, a couple beers. You know, I was drinking. He was buying me shots, and I was drinking. And he was leaving, and he looks at his tab, and he says, did you drink this much? And I looked at it, and I was like, yeah. And there were, like, 18 shots on there. And they were big. You know, they were, you know. And he looked at me, and he kind of, like, you know, like a different look, like. And I was looking at him like, what? And he said, I'm worried about you. And I said, oh, I'm fine. Look, I'm still standing, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he said, just think about getting help. And, of course, I laughed him off. I'm 20-something, whatever, you know. At the time, I was actually seeing a therapist because I was in a very abusive relationship. I was transitioning out of that relationship. I told my therapist, oh, I was working, and this guy told me that I needed to get help only because I drank 18 shots. And she stopped, and she said, she knew I drank, but, of course, to me, I don't, that wasn't a lot. Because everybody around me drank that much. And she said, so if you're talking about bottles, like, how many bottles would that have been? And I'm like, well, maybe if you like, you know, measuring, blah, blah, blah, maybe a bottle and a half. And she looks at me, and she says, you ever heard of AA? And I said, oh, I heard about it. But, you know, I mean, like, I still work. You know, I go to school. You know, all these things and all these misconceptions that I had about people in AA. And she said, why don't you just go? I was going to prove her wrong. And the next time I drank, I was only going to drink two. And I didn't. And I drank a lot. And I did other stuff. And I was up for a couple days. And, you know, after the couple days, it was like, not laughter like, this is funny, but, oh, my gosh, you know, I have a problem. And so I called the AA central office. And my house phone, back when they had house phones, I looked it up in the phone book. A woman answered. And I said, I'm looking for an AA meeting. At that time, I lived in Duluth. And she was telling me about different ones. And she said, well, this one, they smoke a lot. So if you don't smoke, maybe you don't want to go there. And there's this one. And blah, blah, blah. And so the next day, I went to a 12 o'clock meeting. It was a Monday. And I drove up. And now, one of my friends now. Named Mark. But I didn't know him at the time. And he said, hey. I'm like, hi. Is he looking for the meeting? And I said, yes. I go in. And like a good student, I sat in the first row. But I looked at my feet the whole time. And I don't know who was talking, what they were saying. But I thought, oh, they're happy. They're not fuddy-duddies, you know. They seem like they have a good sense of humor, kind of. So I said, OK, this is good. I feel better. When I got up to leave, all these women came around me. And started saying hello. And some wanted to give me a hug. And shake my hand. And give me their phone number. And I said, no. I'm thinking, this is not what I signed up for. I came here to get fixed. I feel good. I'm going home. Of course, I didn't say that out loud. But what I didn't know is that it wasn't a fix. It was a way of life. The women there really were my first relationship. A healthy relationship with women. First healthy relationship, period, with humans. I always said that I love animals way more than people. And now y'all are kind of reaching up to the animals. And I just heard that they keep coming back. So that's what I did. I was desperate. I did not want to drink anymore. I did not want to do drugs anymore. I want to go back to... There was a friend that I used to hang out with all the time. We did everything together. Prior to that, around the same... Maybe a month before, the man said to me, Get some help. I ran into my friend, and she looked not good. And she was telling me about where she was in her life. And that she was using some harder drugs. At first, I went into judgment. Like, that would never be me. And then I realized, that came from me. There's nothing different. Nothing. Nothing different. We did everything together. I was only one day away from that. And all of these instances started adding up. And a couple... Like a year before that, just thought of this. There was a guy that came to where I worked. And he was with some friends. And his friends were drinking. And I was, of course, a good alcoholic. Trying to make everybody drink and have fun. And he says, I don't drink. And I said, well, why not? He said, I'm an alcoholic. And I said, well, shouldn't you drink? And he says, no. I'm in recovery. And he told me this story about him drinking tequila. And ending up in Mexico. And with no clothes on. And I was like, ah, that's hilarious. But he had, you know... And, like, so I'm asking these questions. And asking these questions. And, you know, gathering all this information. And it was starting to, like, pile up. And pile up. And pile up. And make sense. And I remember looking at him like he was having fun. He didn't need to drink. He was smiling. You know. And I thought, hmm. That gave me the courage to call you guys. So, after a few months of coming in the rooms and just showing up. I'm actually a pretty shy person. And with people that know me. I think that's funny. But all I did, I just kept coming. Somebody said, come early. You know, I just heard, okay, come early. You know, do the coffee. Okay. Came in, did the coffee. Then I started being, like, the supply manager. Going, buying things. I like going to the grocery store. So, I buy tissues and things like that. And then one day I remember someone saying to me, hey, Angela. And I started to cry. Because I always felt so invisible. And for somebody to know me. to know me and somebody that I respected and looked up to to know my name, you know, felt good. And they knew me. It wasn't what I chose to share with them. It was the truth, you know. Even sharing the worst things, they still loved me. There was no condition about coming to the meetings except that you want to stop drinking. That felt good. What I realized is that clubs or all of the people that were there and here now, I still have fun. And that we're all just looking for acceptance and love and fun. But when you don't know any other way, and that's the way that you pick up, just go with that. Until these little moments happen where the universe or God, whatever you choose to call it, show up in your life. You know, I didn't believe in God before I came into the program. And I still don't know if I call it God or I say, sometimes I say God, sometimes I say universe. Sometimes I'm just like, whatever's out there. All I know is that the night before I called, I said, I looked up in the sky and I said, I don't know who you are. But I've heard people talk about you. And I don't want to drink anymore. And so that was January. 27, 2007. And January 28th is when I walked into the rooms. A few months after being in the room, going to lunch with women and talking about stuff. And I never knew how to do small talk. And, you know, that was all, you know, very uncomfortable for me. But it was, I never felt like people judged me or that, you know, something was wrong with me. And I would hear people talk about the sponsorship, which terrified me. And I'm sure many of you have felt that way. So I did the whole God thing again. You know, I was walking my dog one day and I said, okay, well, I asked you, I told you I needed help to stop drinking, kind of help with that. And now, you know, I'm having trouble finding a sponsor because I'm looking at, you know, when it's like asking somebody out on a date, you know, you're like, oh, maybe that one's good. Maybe this is not good. You know, you don't know, you know, well, they said this one thing and, you know, you think you judge them based on some little thing. You know, all these things were going through my head. And so I say, well, screw it. Okay. Can you help me? Can you just let me know? Because I need like a sign. I need you to like, just let me know when that, when I meet that person, I need to know. So one day Kelly walks in the room and she sits next to me and she smiles and she said something funny and laughed a voice. So, you know, through the meeting, I was thinking, oh my God, how am I going to, how am I going to ask her? And then afterwards, I was like, oh, I'm going to ask her. And then afterwards, you know, we were talking, there was several women there and she said, do you have a sponsor? And I said, no, how do I get one? And she said, you just ask. And I said, will you be my sponsor? And she said, of course. And our relationship has evolved and grown and she's a beautiful friend. She was there at the birth of my first child. You know, anytime that I was going through, so, you know, I was still relationship stuff. And all that icky craziness that you're still trying to, like, move path when you're first in the program. And she would always direct me, book, meeting, go to another meeting, go to another meeting. Ah, I want you to just give me an answer. Go to another meeting. And I did. I did. I did everything she said because I was desperate and I didn't want to go back drinking. Kelly mentioned this. The promises have come true in my life. I have a wonderful husband. First healthy relationship with a male intimate relationship. Even though I want to strangle him sometimes. But I heard that's normal. As long as I don't do anything. We have two beautiful kids, seven and five. And I used to carry them to meetings and put them in the little baby Bjorn. And I remember when they were babies looking at them and thinking, whoever is guiding us, that I'm so grateful not to be drunk and hungover that I'm tired. And that I'm able to love them and remember what I need to do for them. Although my memory has gotten really bad over the years. And I look at them and I get to nurture, you know, the things that I didn't get as a kid. And I get to do that with them. You know, my father passed away when I was 15. I really hate that he's not here to see this. He gave a box to my aunt of things that he saved. And he asked her to give me a box of things that he saved. And he gave them to me when I became an adult. And she just gave it to me a few years ago. I don't know what that means. But in that, he wrote his own, yes, yeah, he wrote his own, and the eulogy, like, you know, at the funeral and that was all saved. He said, you know, ten things that I want my daughter to know. Is that God loves you. That you're beautiful. Always make sure you take care of people that are older than you. And the Lord loves you. And that he wanted to live to see his grandkids. And all of that came true in the last, after having my second child, it's been challenging to find balance, working, raising kids, finding babysitters, you know, coordinating work and, you know, all those things. Because all I was able to do before was think about myself. So that's been challenging. You know, there's been, you know, I've been, you know, I've been, you know, I've been, you know, I've been very, you know, about not being as involved in AA as I used to be. But I have wonderful friends in this program. And I'm grateful for Tim for asking me to come today. And it's like, you know, that solid foundation of people. When I first came in are those people are going to stay with you forever, you know. And anywhere I've gone in the world, anywhere I've gone in this country, and I've been to a room, didn't know anybody I felt connected. And people have said that before. But, you know, it really is a beautiful day. I want to thank you for coming. So it's true. It's truly awesome. And when I know that somebody, you know, I used to work in hospice and there was a lady there and her husband was dying of cancer and she was saying all this stuff like, you know, let go, let God, you know, all these little things. And I said, are you a friend of Bill W.? And she was like, yeah, are you? You know, but you could spot it from all the way. And people that are really working the program do have like this beautiful way of looking at life. And even then, you know, that that echoed what happened with my father. He was dying and he stayed sober. This woman and the man, they were both in recovery. And she was able to take care of him. That just shows you the power of this. You know, I talked about balance and that was like this, you know, just like elusive concept, balance, balance, balance. And somebody said to me, you know, instead of seeking balance, seek harmony. That really rang true to me because as we start to gain more things in our life, more beautiful people, you know, a job that's consistent and that's stable, you know, you know, friends and different communities and spiritual communities, children, spouses, partners, you know, trying to keep all those balanced. That's going to be difficult. But when they said harmony, it really made sense to me that, you know, creating music, you know, with, you know, my community and the people that I love and, and, you know, that things aren't going to be perfect. But as long as we, you know, don't lose our support system, you know, we can continue. And that's what I found. And it's amazing. After, you know, nine and a half years, I'm crazy. I have an addiction to sugar, though. That's not good. You know, now that I have all these great things in my life, all the concepts, everything I've learned in here translate out there. Totally. Everything I learned about life is from in here. You know, in the book, it says established on a good footing, we became interested in what we could contribute to life. And, you know, I'm grateful that I have a beautiful family that I contribute love to, but also a work that I do that I feel like is in service of people. And I wouldn't be able to do that without this program. And also a little cooperation. Great. Never criticize. That's very difficult in the home, though, when I know I have to do everything. But man, how that translates into the real world, you know, especially with everything that's been going on lately. And, you know, I can find myself wanting to criticize opinions or beliefs that aren't necessarily matching with mine. And I have to go back to how can we reach our common goal? Because. I can get in fear and anger and putting these principles to use at home and at work. Definitely in the beginning, everybody was great, loved everyone. No one could do wrong. As time goes on, you start to I start to start criticizing. Oh, this could be different. This could be. And it's more in the home. And what I had to realize is that I got to do this at home, too. I don't know. And when I come to meetings, you know, my husband would always ask me, have you been to a meeting today? But it does. I mean, I come in and it feels amazing. And to see people get it or just really be real and authentic and share how they feel. And we just love them, you know, and this is what the world needs. And automatically, when I know somebody's in AA, I think very highly of them. I do. I do. I've not been proven wrong many times. Because we're all trying. We're just all trying. I'm going to end now. There's a quote by Martin Luther King that really resonates with me as far as my relationship with this program. And it's, I thought my soul, but my soul I could not see. I thought my God, but my God eluded me. I thought my brother and sister, and I found all three. So I want to thank all of you for being here. Me and my brothers and sisters. Loving me when I couldn't love myself. Showing me that there is another way of life. To me, this is the easier, softer way. Because I was on a road to an unconscious suicide. I was killing myself every day. And I'm glad to be alive. And I know what it feels like to be alive now. And I owe that to this program. So, thank you very much. Thank you so much, Angela. No wonder they went to Costco for the tissues, right? Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.