Why Expectations Are Premeditated Resentments – Dick M.

Good evening. My name is Dick Martin. I'm an alcoholic. By the grace of God and the actions of A&M Sponsorship, I've been sober since September 15th, 1965. I'm very pleased about that. I've Been Married to Peggy One Day at a Time since August 12th, 1966. We met in Alcoholics Anonymous. Just as you would well understand, we're people who would normally not mix. but somehow or another we've managed a day at a time to stay together I discovered that there's a noise in here sounds like I have an airplane in my pocket but I've discovered that I'm only married to her a day and a half and I can put up with damn near anything for a day And then I realized that she's only married to me for a day at a time, too, which kind of crosses that path. But at any rate, when you think about it, why do we need traditions in AA? Why do we needs the 12 traditions in Alcoholics Anonymous? We need them because we can't get along with other people. The first tradition talks about common welfare should come first. personal recovery depends upon a unity and you and i know that there isn't any unity in aa and that's what the problem is otherwise we wouldn't need the other uh traditions at all would the other 11 wouldn't mean a darn or the other 10 actions wouldn't means anything the 12th action tells us what happens if we put those 10 in between traditions into uh into effect And so it's sad for you to know that there isn't any unity in AA, but hell, you already knew that anyway. We've got three meetings in my hometown of some 40,000 people that they don't have anything to do with the other 23. I mean, nothing. They're even in another district. Well, I'm not going to do what that sumbitch wants to do. So unity is a strange commodity. But we have found that those people that take the principles of the traditions and put them in their lives, it works pretty well. As I mentioned earlier tonight in my talk, we met in AA, and she didn't want everything to do with me because I was a newcomer. And I don't blame her. I wanted to have something to do avec her, though. and uh i knew for some reason and i don't know why but there was some reason that i knew when i first met her uh that i was going to marry her uh she didn't know it and as a matter of fact she avoided even having anything to do with me and uh we finally uh managed to have our first date on a monday night and you know how important monday nights are in the dating scene but that That was six months after we had met, and we'd seen each other at meetings and that sort of thing. I'd ask her to go out, and she wouldn't go out with me because I was a newcomer. I didn't like her. Frankly, I was just obsessed. But it was a magnificent obsession. This past August 12th, we were married for 32 years. We haven't—divorce has never been discussed in the family. We have strongly thought about homicide. We never think about suicide. Homicide's an option. We get mad, but we get over it, and we're happy, and we have a good life together. Peggy is my life's companion. I want it to be that way. I don't know anyone else that I would rather spend my life with than her. And with that I'm going to give you Peggy who's going to talk about the first three. Alright, thank you. I'm Peg Martin and I'm an alcoholic. And through the grace of God and fellowship of people like you and sponsorship I've been sober since February 4th 1964 which is longer than him so he has to bring me my coffee in the morning it's and he does I mean it's the least it's we don't get many perks in AA if you're sober a long time you but I mean if you are sober longer than your mate you get some perks I would think and there have been really bad days especially in my early sobriety when I thought I am not going to take a drink just because it would give him, he would make a 12-step call on me with some other babe in AA. And I'm not going to give them that satisfaction. So it stayed sober anyway. But the history of this was well, everybody thought we were nuts when we got married and we were kind of nuts when wir got married because we hadn't been dated very long and we hadn't really known each other very long. And a lot of that was God's grace. And I know that now, but I didn't know that then. And my sponsor didn't, I mean, she thought she thought I would have gone out of my tree, you know, and if I mean I would today I sponsor a lot of women and I would strongly suggest that they not do what I did. But you see, I really can't get into that arena because my experience is that that's what happened for me and I have learned especially in the last five to ten years that my and you know what I'm slow I'm just slow that's all there is to it some of us come in we're just smart as anything but I'm not I'm I'm just slow I've just discovered in the last five or six years that the most valuable thing I have is my experience. And I have also learned in the past five or sixth years that, the importance of a day at a time. Now these are elementary things but for us geniuses it just takes us a time to get around to them you know. Anyway we ended up getting married now I'm not we're gonna talk about these today traditions in terms of our particular relationship and please I do not want you to think that we are experts at this we are not we are NOT the Brady Bunch I hated the Brady bunch I think they destroyed an entire generation of children I was one of them you know because they were all so nice you know they just all washed the dishes right you know they just and we used to fight over who would load the dishwasher and stuff so but um and we're not in we're not some ancient canon barbie up here you know who are who just you know go through life like this we have disagreements and we have periods of strange silences sometimes and you know we have we are a real it live living breathing married couple we have had difficulties in in every area of our relationship just about did human difficulties and because we're alcoholic we have alcoholic difficulties as well now there's no difference really except I think for for me as I look at myself and my personality and I look at the people I sponsor and the general population of AA really alcoholics are like humans on steroids we're just like really exaggerated human beings I mean that's the way it seems to me where we have these exaggerated emotions you know and such you know my brother-in-law is like this he's not alcoholic but he is this way he is never thirsty he is parched he is never hungry he is starving you know he is never tired he is dead you know and that's those are my emotions full speed ahead or collapse so these traditions the reason we heard about them in the first place was because there was a good friend of ours named Dick Grant who has gone on to the big meeting in the sky now far too young he was far too young when he died but he and his wife Jay came to do a workshop at our district strangely and they talked about that using the traditions in their married life and they just mentioned it they didn't actually do a workshop on they just mention this and somebody in our group said oh you guys have been married a long time you seem to get along pretty well together why don't you do that for one of the functions around here you're cheap you know you're right around the corner just drive in so at our you know we came at no no great no great expense on our part and did this thing and it was taped and that was the start of the story and we started doing this thing but but the interesting thing about it was once we started studying this stuff and looking at it, we said, oh yeah, we do that. Oh yeah, we do this. Oh sure, I remember when. And so we found that like a lot of things in Alcoholics Anonymous, these principles had become part of us simply by sitting in the meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and being sponsored and going to meetings and sponsoring others and being in service and learning about the traditions in service. We had started incorporating these things into our lives without ever even knowing it now one of the things that all of the traditions have in common is that they are all ego deflating every single one of them is ego deflated which leads me to believe that we have a problem with our egos oh how did I ever come up with that we all have problem with our ego we are either way less than or way greater than but again it's that exaggerated thing I am always way greater then I mean I'm you know that and I'm also a very right-brained person who those are the artists and and I am an artist and and the intuitive thinkers you know we like to think anyway we like to think that we artists like to say that we are intuitive in our that our art our talent is intuitive just waiting to be trained and we exaggerate our qualities a lot of times but anyway right brain people tend to be spur-of-the-moment you know like oh let's go to Kansas City and then somebody will say but it's 10 o'clock oh who cares let's go you know something is calling me to Kansas City and dick is left brain who says we have no gas in the car so he is my rock you know I'd have been off to Kansas City and beyond for years if it hadn't been for him but you know why got to go to work and stuff and so instead of just going around being intuitive he tends to help me steer myself in a useful direction you know by gentle gentle nudging if you will not actually coming out and saying you're skitsy but rather suggesting gently that it is midnight and we do have to get up at four in the morning as we did this morning to catch an airplane to go to Beaumont. Because when I'm moving, as we are, and women I think are worse at this, I hate to be sexist, but I think we have our nests, and this is disturbing my nest. I mean, my feathers are ruffled, you know, and this was a terrible week for us to come and do this because we'd been moving. And that brings out character defects I thought I had left behind a long time ago. actually it's been a good week but we're tired we're both of us very tired anyway our first tradition talks about unity our common welfare should come first personal recovery depends upon a unity and what I think about then is the unity of the group the unity if we think about being married as being in a group the unity of the group is more important than each individual is we have a friend that it happens to be a marriage counselor he is I have sent so many people to him I think I should be getting a finders fee you know because our job and Alcoholics Anonymous is not to be marriage counselors I mean maybe you disagree with me but I don't believe that you know if I sponsor somebody who needs to go to marriage counseling believe me when I say this I do not want to be their marriage counselor I feel a little bit like Clancy you know when somebody calls up Clancy and says I did call him one time said dick well he was joking but he's I hope he was joking anyway he said I want to talk to you about my relationship Clancy said Clancy Emerson not here he gone China seven years and you know I don't want to do it I don' t want to deal with it you know and I just don't I'm not trained to do that all I have is my experience and I'll share my experience with the traditions and that kind of thing I'm no marriage counselor but this marriage counselor said that in a marriage there's three things there's the the man there's though the wife there's the well whichever significant other whatever there's demand the woman and the relationship there's 3 things and that those three things have to be treated with equal importance well that reminded me of you know remember when that people used to say two sickies do not a welly make well it's true in a relationship. You can't be have two sickies and make it a welly, and you can't have one sickie and one welly and make it a Welly. Everything's out of proportion. You've got to grow together in the relationship then if you become somewhat well and it forms a little triangle. And it reminds me that the importance of the common good, if you will, is something that Rousseau wrote about years ago was that the common good, Jean-Jacques Rousseau. And that's what it is in marriage. I was committed to making this marriage work. I didn't go into this with the thought, I mean, I had no thought. I just got married. I mean let's face it, I gotta be honest with you, I just went okay and we got married! Matter of fact when I said okay he jumped out of the car in the middle of, what was the name of that street? River Road. Dale Carly of Parkway. He remembers, see. I never remember. He's the sentimental one. He's the one that sends roses, you know. I say, go Big Red, or something. He jumped out of the car and he ran around the car, jumped over the hood, round and round, and I thought I re-thought my decision. He's nuts! Because it was so unusual for him. Because he's left brain, you know and he does everything logically and that's good because I think we should have a balance of you know I don't think you know how people always say oh you gotta have you gotta you gotta be kind of alike I don'T AGREE I THINK YOU GOTTA HAVE THINGS IN COMMON BUT TO BE ALIKE OH GOD I THINK THAT'D BE HORRIBLE IF WE WERE ALL ME WE WOULD HAVE BEEN COMMITTED YEARS AGO WE WOULD'VE BEEN I DON'T KNOW VERY NERVOUS OR SOMETHING BUT AND IF IT HAD BEEN HIM WE Would have rusted you know just getting there so it's a good thing we're a combination so it reminded me of this story this first tradition reminds me of the story about this this kid who was very very popular in school and the dean uh of students went up to his room because he had these people coming and going out of his dorm room all the time and he was a freshman and so he wasn't that well known and so the dean wanted to see what he was doing I don't know if he thought he was a hashy salesman or something but he had kids in and out and he went up and he talked to the young man and he was very nice young man but he didn't see anything special about him and as he was turning to leave he noticed that he had a sign on his desk and it said, I am third And he stopped and he said, where did you get this sign? He said, my mother had it made for me. And the dean said, what is the significance of this? He said you know I seem to be most successful in my life. I am the most comfortable in my life when I place God first my fellow man second and I am third. and it was perfect for me because as a selfish self-centered alcoholic i will always take care of me i remember my sponsor you know the first time i ever suggested to her that i should go on my amends list oh that was a bad thing to say she said you on first on your amends list she said give me a break you have been being good to yourself all your life it's the others that have been harmed you've harmed yourself yes but don't put yourself up there you'll never get anything done because see i would have never done the rest of them had i put myself first i always take care of myself don't we in the long run we always take care of ourselves because whether we're destructive in our behavior or constructive in my our behavior we do what we want to do a lot of the time and that's one of the reasons that when we come to Alcoholics Anonymous we need to be accountable to sponsors because what we do I'm everything I think is good for me isn't good for me and everything I think is not good for is good from me so I need somebody to sort that out because Dick and I have both we are both sponsored I could not sponsor him he could not spot for me we don't you know that I don't even want to get into that he we go to meetings together but we don t go to the same step meetings for example we sit in separate groups because he has the right to be in his group he has to write to have his program I have the right to have mine we are sponsored we're like two railroad tracks you know we're going in the same direction but we're we're separate but we were linked by ties and the ties we have our their children and principals and and respect for Alcoholics Anonymous and that kind of thing so the first the first tradition really means that I have to be willing to be third and I have be willing to forgive and forgiving for me is essential in being a free woman because I am linked inexorably to the person that I resent stronger than with that then ties of love are the ties of resentment because they make a jailer out of the person who resents it's like poison that we drank thinking it's going to kill somebody else that's what a resentment is we think that another person is going to die because we resent them we even wish their death sometimes you know because we resentment so badly so i think that first tradition of putting the marriage first having that commitment god first uh our fellow man second and i'm third is part of the unity for our group purpose there's been one ultimate authority a loving god as he may express himself on our group conscience our leaders are trusted servants they do not govern and see i always wanted to be the boss you know i'm talking tomorrow so i'm not going to go into that part of the story but i i i'm just a little bully a little right brain bully which is controlled mayhem in a lot of situations it's just controlled may him because I get do you feel like I mean do you get like that are you who's right brained in the audience I mean who oh come on there's more than that oh my god I am in the minority I will sit at my office at work and I will start on one thing and I will then go to another thing and then I'll say, no, no. Go back to the first thing. Then I'll go over to another thing. Whatever strikes my fancy, I'll go after. Whereas Dick has his little papers and he goes A, B, C and boy, he just puts out the work and takes a dozen phone calls and I'm like freaking out. Freaking out. I waste a lot of energy like that. And I think one of the things that I've got to do is understand what I am through the actions of the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and understand that I have an ego and understandthat I do want to control and rule and govern. I'm German, and it just sort of is natural for me to want to be a little military person marching or in my little tank, rolling around through the meetings and shooting people who I heard said bad things about their sponsor, you know, or be the AA police. You know, I have a shirt at home that says AA police on it. That's my nature. Well, and then I come to this kind man, and sometimes those of us who are bullies like that, we construe kindness to be weakness, and we'll try to get people to manipulate or maneuver or manage people into our way of thinking so we can get whatever it is we want like maybe a new dress or something it could be as small as a new dress, it could быть as big as where we're going to live or whatever and so I have to learn that I am not in charge here. Remember the first tradition I think if we refer back each time we go ahead to a tradition we referback to the one before the one before talks about being served i i'm not to govern god's got to be first here it says it for every purpose is one ultimate authority it doesn't have to be it's a god of your understanding just a god whatever understanding we have and if we know that then we know i know i'm not in charge and i always want i just always wanted to be in charge and when I was in charge things didn't go well and it reminds me of the third step when it talks about the actor and the ego-centered actions that the actor took and I can be like that and I don't want to destroy a relationship that I have with Dick or people I work for or with because I'm trying to maneuver or manage them into something You know, I am a free woman when I stay on my side of the street. It's my side of the Street You know I look over at his side of The Street sometimes and there's papers blowing around on it And it's dirty it needs to get swept. You know he's got windows that need cleaning He's got storefronts that need to be rehabilitated and While I'm looking over there on his side the street trying to decide what to do over on his side of the street I'm not taking care of my side of the street and what I have learned in this relationship is my ego tells me to go over there and straighten him up but what I really need to be doing is I need to be straightening up my side the street you know it took me five years to figure this out somebody said if you point at somebody like that there's three fingers pointing back at you I could not figure that out for the longest time and I kept doing this and then finally I figured yes there is three point oh how cute you know that's what i said but it's the truth if i'm taking his inventory i ain't taking my own i mean i have a very active and somewhat dangerous playground in between my years and i just like to go in there and play around you know and one i don't like to take my own inventory but i do like to tak everybody else's and so i have to stay on my side that is an important important thing stay on my side of the street be respectful trust if i'll tell you something this is the truth our marriage has flourished because we laugh we have a sense of humor about what happens to us because we're not so darn self-centered do you notice when you're really self-centred you can't laugh nothing is funny that happens to me when i'm in at one of those days it is not funny i have what i call red light days and those are days when i am boiling four full bore down the street and as soon as i get to the corner the light turns red it seems like it has this sensor that says this woman is in a hurry and now i'm gonna turn red you know and i had one of those days and i have no sense of humor then i am so important on days like that and I'm running down this street and I don't have any gas that little thing comes on in my car and I want to get gas and I think I don' t have time to get gas and then my logical says you don't have time not to get gas because you'll run out of gas and then you'll be nowhere and of course I play it forward to the point that I'm kidnapped and being held for ransom and the whole thing so I stop in the gas station and I pull in and it's what we call the aaa reject gas station because these guys from aa that are sent there by the courts always end up working there you know so we like to go in there and go how you feeling today mate anyway is it and there's this car in front of me and this woman is paying her gas bill in pennies nickels and dimes and i am just and then she reaches out the window to hand the money to him and drops it all over the floor. And he's down there picking them up, and she's laughing and stuff. She pulls away from the gas pump, and on the back of the car it says, Turn it over. And I recognized there was a waitress in our group, and she was paying for her gas for their tips. That's the kind of day I get when I'm self-important. You know, and I just laughed. I laughed because it was God's way of saying, lighten up, sweetie. You know, so we have respect, we have trust, and we have laughter. We laugh at each other. You know? I mean, it's like, I'm funny. I'd rather be funny than cry. I mean I'm funny. Weird funny and funny funny sometimes too. Third one is the only requirement for a membership is a desire to stop drinking. First, you have to have a desire to be there i mean if you don't like somebody and you don t respect somebody what are you doing thinking of marrying them oh my gosh i have sponsored people and they fight all the time and i think why would they ever want to get married that's organized terrorism yeah i mean it's just it's like why would you want to punish each other like that you know it there's emotion involved but it's all negative and I I remember one time this couple called us early in the morning and the girl I sponsored the woman and Dick sponsored the man oh I don't think you sponsored him but anyway I sponsored her and she he hit me and I got a big fat lip and I've got a bruise on my eye and now I gotta go to work and love to tell them and of course she was one of these type of women that said, go on, hit me, hit me, and he obliged. He hit her. Because she's very aggressive. She's from New York. And he hit her and I get off the phone and Dick says, Oh, what a lovely couple. Let's have them to dinner. One of the things you got to have a desire to be there how do i how do we foster that desire i i say i love you every day every day i say hello whether i want to or not you know there's some days he can't even chew right you know you know how it is you just because i'm on his side of the street and uh but i say i love him anyway and i always give him a pat or a hug some physical something that says i'm here I love you. I'm for you. I'm not leaving you. You know, this is, you know, it's a good thing. And just a little physical contact. Because when we first got married, you Know, I was the tight-lipped sort who did not have sex before we got married. We thought about it and tried a little, but nothing much. and so when we did get married he was very fun he was a lot of fun we'll talk about that later but he was really fun with sex and not at all inhibited and I was very inhibited I wanted no noise there was this couple that lived upstairs from us in these apartments we lived in when we first got married and they hadn't we came to find out later they were both drunks but they were laying on the floor and they had a mattress on the floor and this mattress they'd get to going you know And it sounded And I said, see, see Listen to that And I remember when our dog had sex With this unknown dog It was my dog And I called Dick at the office I said Dick, Dick He's like an animal Dick said He is an animal so in order to preserve that wonderful stuff i have to you know i have to foster it i have to make sure that i tell him i love him i have to make sure um that i stay on my side of the street don't take his inventory i don't need to tell him things that he already knows you know how you get these desires to like tell people things that they someone needs to tell them and my sponsor said that someone is not you I heard this story and then I'm going to turn it over to Dick this guy was in his first Al-Anon meeting and he was commenting on what he had heard he said, all of my life all I ever wanted to do was get my ducks in a row and I came here to this meeting and I found out they're not my ducks. They're my ducks Naturally there's some things that Peggy left out while she's flittering around up here. It's got to be this way, you know. You're leaving out this one and leaving out that one. And I think one of the things we have to learn to do in order to keep unity is not to instill fear into other people. And one ofthe things that we can do is to not threaten your mate. Well, if you don't straighten up, I'm going to get a divorce. Well, If you're going toget a divorce, get adivorce. Get out. That's my attitude. Don't threaten me. You threaten me, you better be willing to take the action. Because I don't take pain very well. I just really don't. And so as a matter of fact, I just don't tak it at all. I don' t suffer well. When I suffer, everybody else suffers. We don't compete against each other. Two instances I can tell you about. One, Peggy was elected to the chairman of the Intergroup there in the Omaha area. This gal who's now not sober and couldn't stay sober, I don't think, if she really tried, but this was many years ago, and she had a stint of staying sober for the first ten years or so. But she came up to me and she said, Well, what do you think of Peggy now that she is chairman of The Intergroup? And I said, I think it's great. I think she's a very bright woman. She's very competent, a good leader. I think that she'll do a good job. Well, aren't you jealous of her? And I say, no way, I'd be jealous of Her. I was chairman last year. It's her turn. It's no big deal. We don't compete. She spoke at an A meeting conference somewhere, and I was to follow her. And this fellow came up to me and he says, well, boy, you've really got something to follow. You've got something that's going to help you. You've really something to beat that. And I said, it isn't my job to beat her. It isn't My job to be better than her or different than her. It's just My job to be Me. What I'm supposed to do is to be me. I'm not supposed to be Peggy. I am not Mr. Peggy! So we don't compete with each other. It's none of this one-upsmanship and trying to make her look bad so I can look good. Those sorts of things, that's childish. It's just a waste of time. All it does is engender ill feelings. And, you know, I don't think that that's a kind way to go about it. Don't argue or fight in front of kids. If you have kids, don't argue and fight in fun of them. They don't need that pain. They don' t need to think that their parents hate each other or that they're somehow interfering with the lives of their parents. They don''t need to know that. They don'T need to have that feeling. Take into consideration the other members of the family when you're doing whatever you're doiing. Speak softly. You don' l have to yell at somebody. I'll tell you, the most successful manner of communication is when you speak very softly. Because then they know you mean it. And it's scary. Think about that. What we have to learn to do is to sense the other guy's feelings. Sense when they're not feeling good. And walk softly. Let them rest and get better. And if somebody seems to be angry or just worn out, let them be angry and worn out. You take a walk. maybe you can get worn out and go to sleep but we have to sense other people's feelings have to pay attention to their needs instead of paying attention to our needs I think the fourth tradition says each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or AA as a whole and we're talking about unselfishness talking about I can do whatever I want to do as long as it doesn't reflect to our marriage, as long As it doesn t make the marriage look bad, as long It doesn t Make Peggy look bad. As long As It doesn T reflect negatively to the relationship. As long as It s not destructive, I can go and do whatever I wish to. And Peggy doesn t object to it. She can go to any AA meeting function or whatever in the world. I don t care when it is, where it is how long it is how short it is how inconvenient it may be for me what my expectations are or aren't it really doesn't make any difference if it's aa aa comes first period and it's the same with me aa comes first as far as i'm concerned and peggy knows that and because aa or god and aa and god are synonymous as faras i'm concern you know as long as god we put god first in our lives we're going to do okay and everything will turn out all right We will have enough time with each other. We'll have enough times for others. We'll enough time to be parents and be friends and all of those things. We'll just about the right amount of time. If we had any more time, we wouldn't know what to do with it, I suspect. But we're very busy. We're very active in AA. But we have the need to manage our own affairs according to the dictate of our own conscience, except when to do so would harm the partnership with them. We have to be concerned about children, we have to being concerned about other outside demands and not accept them if those demands are so high that they disturb our relationship, they're no good. A pediatrician told us once, he said, this was an old-timer, an old guy, and he'd been a doctor for many, many years, and he said one thing now that you're going to have a child bear this in mind you're only going to have them around for about 20 years and then it's going to be just you and Peg take care of your relationship it's very important that you take care of your relationships certainly you have to take care of a child but don't neglect the relationship you have with each other because that kid will be gone one of these days so we had to think about that being autonomous doesn't mean that we can act for another person and I get called when people ask me if I can come somewhere and speak do the traditions in relationships and so on so forth and I can say well I've got the date open but I don't know whether Peggy does or not you'll have to ask her you'll laugh to speak to her someone invites says to me how about you all coming over to dinner next wednesday i'll say well i'm okay with it but i'll have to ask peg and i'll get back to you i don't accept invitations for her and she doesn't accept invations for me uh i don'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO THAT AND IT ISN'T THAT WE HAVE SOME SORT OF A CUT AND DRY RELATIONSHIP THAT'S BASED ON CAN'T DO THIS YOU CAN'T KNOW THAT IT ISNT THAT AT ALL IT'S JUST A MATTER OF BEING POLITE IT'S TAKING CARE OF SOMEBODY ELSE'S FEELINGS making sure that we're being kind to each other and not being forceful and not forcing our attention on somebody else. Each group has one primary purpose to carry its message to alcoholics who still suffer. We have a primary purpose. First of all, it's to stay sober and to be a good member of Alcoholics Anonymous because we find if we're a good members of Alcoholic Anonymous, I can be a great person and she can be your good husband and she an be a wife. To be what you are where you are. If you're at home, act like a family member. If you are an AA, act like an AA member. If you are at work, act like you are a work member. Do what you are supposed to do when you are supposed to do it and be where you are supposed to be when you are supposed to be there. Inform people when you are coming and when you are going. Let people know what is going on. Be an example in your own family. Be an example to other people. That doesn't mean that again it is some rigid thing but what we are trying to do is learn to be polite and kind to other people. And one of the things, the longer you stay sober the more you're put in a position to be an example to other People. You can't help that. That's just the nature of AA and the nature of the structure of Alcoholics Anonymous and the way the fellowship is. And so we have to more be an example. I have a fellow that I sponsor who's married and got a couple of kids. He likes to go to massage parlors. He likes to goto massage parlours because of the effect that it produces while he's there, I suppose. He's a little bit obsessed with that kind of sex, I suppose, and it bothers him because he knows he shouldn't be doing it, and he tells me about it, and he says, well, I've done it again, and da-da-da. I said, well, I said,"You know, there's something that you have to understand i said i'm not a moralist i don't you know morals don't have anything to do with this what it has to do is that every time that you would do something like that you could have less use for your wife she is less meaningful to you that's the first thing i said the second place i could not although the idea of it is very enticing and it would be very interesting and it's arouses my period and like that I couldn't do it and the reason why I couldn't is what would you think if you saw me walking into a place like that or walking out of that place what would you think of me would you want me to be your sponsor no certainly but so I have to be an example whether I want to be in example or not there really doesn't make any difference I do a lot of things I don't want to do but everyone that I do that I don' t want to makes me a better me and I'm a better example when I'm doing that we have to act in harmony with each other be an example my membership in this relationship and my membership and Alcoholics Anonymous, they're one and the same as far as I am concerned. One is as necessary or important as the other. Our primary purpose is really doing what's in front of you to do. It doesn't, you know, I know guys who wouldn't change a diaper if it was their own, I believe. Well, that's woman's work. Well, I've changed many a diaper, and I have a feeling that someone changed my diapers. I'm not sure. I don't have diaper rash perpetually, so I suspect that that's true. And I don' t see anything wrong with doing that. It doesn' t make me less of a man to do that. As a matter of fact, it doesn' d make me more of a person to do the laundry when Peg can't do it or to cook supper or to wash the floors or clean the bathrooms or whatever. Those things that traditionally think of housewife things to do. It doesn't make me less of a man to do those things. As a matter of fact, it makes me more of a men to do these things. And I'm sure of that. There's nothing wrong with being helpful. The sixth tradition says an AA group ought never endorse finance or lend the AA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose. What we are and what we do speaks so loudly that people can't hear what you say when you're trying to divert to the truth. Bragging has nothing to do with life. Bragging is nothing to with the fact. The fact is that we're just God's kids. We're just one of God's Kids doing the best we can do. I think that when such a time comes that we put material things ahead of spiritual things is when we lose our path and lose our direction as to what we're doing. Ego is derived from success, but if it's abused, it's no good. There's nothing wrong with having ego. There's Nothing Wrong With Feeling Good. There's Nothing Wrong With feeling confident. There's nothing wrong with those things at all. They're perfectly right things to feel, but being prideful is another thing. Being a good shepherd is the right thing, that we take care of the things around us. We take care OF the money we have. We take CARE OF the property we have, we take CARER of the animals we have We take CARE of our lawns, we TAKE CARE of our cars, we do those things. And the more we own, the more responsible we have to be. And you become tied down to your possessions then if you're not very careful. We have to learn not to be overly supportive spiritually or emotionally or physically lest we start taking charge. We start thinking of ourselves as, well, I'm a much better husband than she is a wife. I do more around here than she does, you know. And we have to allow each one the dignity to fail and allow each one the dignity to succeed and love each other while we're doing it. And that's really what it amounts to because we're human. I have to remember that I'm just one of God's kids. I'm not a child I'm doing what God wants me to do to the best of my ability. I think if what I'm doing pleases God, then it in fact does please God. And that's the end of the sixth one. The seventh tradition says every AA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions. one of the things that I really like about this is that implicit in this self-support this tradition of self-upport is often expectations when you go into a marriage I don't know what you expected but I've heard many people describe it as you expected this knight in shining armor I have heard that from the fairy tales You know, the knight in Shining Armor comes along and sweeps up the princess and they ride off into the sunset on a white horse side saddle or something. I don't know. I never thought about it too much. Beyond that, of course, I just remember The Shining Knight. But one of the things that that doesn't really talk about is the fact that those expectations are never reality. You know? I'm an alcoholic and I have a perception problem and I always expect more of something than it can be delivered. And in fact, expectations are really premeditated resentments. You know, if you expect too much, you're going to resent because it's never going to measure up. So I guess that really the corollary to that is don't expect anything and you'll be happily surprised. And that's true in marriage too. you know if I take care of myself and don't expect a whole lot everything that happens is happy you know and I like being happy I mean I I like being happy. I don't like being sad you know I'm kind of a depressive by nature I think I think all alcoholics are our problem is lack of power we heard this friend of ours Ray O.K he ain't O.k but I mean his name is O. okay period um and he said spiritus contra spiritum which means spirits against spirit and what what happened in my life was i drank and it it filled in for the spirit i was lacking and it but it when we drink the way we drink certainly the way i drank it kills your spirit and it and then when when you get sober there's not much spirit left and our job in a is to get that spirit back is to give that God back in our life the power back in her life as a matter of fact in our book it says that that's what this book is all about is to that sense of spirit whom which is contra which spiritus kills and I think that that true in a relationship to you have to have some kind of spirit in relationships. And that includes having fun. I mean, have you ever been with people who just don't have any fun? Watch people in restaurants. You ever sat and watched people? Like people you think, oh, they've been married 100 years, you know, and they're sitting there like this. And they hardly say a word. You know, i think that we can have conversations when we get married and we're both in aa or a and now and then we have like a this package deal because we don't have to explain ourselves which is fortunate because it's very difficult sometimes for me to explain myself but i mean we don'T have to start with well you know i there was this sheep in butte montana you know or we don't have to say any of that stuff we know that I mean, you know, we know alcoholics we sponsor alcoholics you don't have to start with all of that we already know that we have the problem, we have the solution and it's in common and so we don' t it's like we can dispense with the so to speak foreplay if you will we just go right to the heart of the matter and one of the things that i always liked in our marriage one of things that exists today is that i think he's very funny now he doesn't look funny and i know he doesn'T sound real funny sometimes but he IS funny and we when we were first married we didn't have any money and this is talking about self-support we did not have any MONEY we were paying out 400 some dollars in child support and that covered my salary you know that was in 1966 or 67 that was my salary I mean my salary I want he got it when we got my check cashed one time and he put the dollars we got dollar bills and he'd put it all over the bed you know and he said now just lay in it so I just laid back in it and just roll around in my money then we gathered it all up put it back in the bank and wrote her a check for $400 but at least I felt like it was my money you know and he did that for me you know that's a very kind thing to do it was also a little kinky you know which I liked as well and that we but we didn't have any money to give each other any Christmas presents either that year and I mean we were broke we had six bucks in the checking account so we thought we you know i i'm a come from a relatively affluent family and i'm used to things you know so even when i was drinking i mean i was sent into this huge uh remorseful bawling sobbing fit when my mother gave me this pink plastic jewelry box that had a ballerina that came up out of it and played the blue dan you remember those things and they turned around you know and i felt so unworthy that i sobbed and fell off the couch and everything it was very inappropriate but i always had stuff and that we couldn't get each other any christmas presents so we made a pact that we weren't going to do it we were just we're going to live within our means and actually we have always lived within our means we have almost always lived under army I have people who do not get that concept they don't get the concept of living under army which means we week we earn more than we stand up what car and then I mean they don t get it but I got a car I have a plastic car a I have to buy sponsor honestly believe that if they write a check and there's no money in the bank they should get the money anyway. It just absolutely floors them when it bounces. Oh, how dare them? They won't let me have my money. I said, it's not your money. It's their money. You know, they're not giving you your money, but anyway, so we didn't have any money, and we decided, okay, we're going to go to the Alcathon, you know, sew our foreheads our hands to our forehead and be martyrs and go to the Alcathlon and give of ourselves at this joyous season you know I'm going oh yes dear and I'm thinking damn I want my stuff so I came home from work that day and we lived in an efficiency apartment and we had two twin beds and my brother as a wedding present had wired these beds together which on the sixth use i am proud to say we broke apart just those little wires got tired i guess so anyway i came home from work we only had one door in and one door of the bathroom and then there was the balcony but that was 11 floors up and so there was no escape that way and so he goes uh i brought you a present and of course my thoughts were oh no you know he's brought me a president and i haven't and i feel bad and you know and then i thought oh he shouldn't have bought me a present we agreed this was our deal and we're not spending any money we only have six bucks and you now you know i can think those things in less than 30 seconds have conflicting emotions going like trains running through central station but he said and he went in the bathroom and he closed the door and within a few seconds he jumped out of the door and he was stark naked and he had a big red bow tied you know where And he was singing Here comes Santa Claus Well, I'll tell you We had a lilt in our step When we went to the Alcaton that night And whenever I want to take anything too seriously he just refuses to let me take it too seriously you know and I am you know I mean and we are so different you know we're so different uh one of the things that comes along with this self-support thing is self-supporting in terms of emotion you know. We have to we sort of try to support each other in that way not to be overly supportive but to help you know to be a to give a hand up you know and we were on our way to Fort Lauderdale we're all coming home from Fort Lauderdale and the you know I'm a nervous I'm a nervous flyer uh-uh I'm not nervous about flying actually I'm nervous about crashing and burning and I already have a contingency plan if this tropical storm comes on shore we are driving to Dallas it's what we're doing we're not getting in one of those little planes to be buffeted by the winds of chance no way anyway um we're coming out of Fort Lauderdale and the pilot says forewarned is forearmed now you already know that you're in trouble when the pilot talks to you like that you know it's going to be bad and I mean it was awful it was awful the flight attendant fell in the aisles while she was trying to serve us I mean it was so bad people wet their pants people were screaming and I mean I am quiet but I am very desperate I'm like pouring with sweat i have got a absolute death grip on his hand like this like oh father of heart and heaven you know i'm just praying like a son of a gun you know and i'm thinking well i'll go down holy anyway you know or whatever just praying and i just it was horrible it was one of the it was i think the worst flight we were dropping 200 free you know how it just hits the bottom like that And so it came to a slight calm period, and I sneak a look over at him like this, and he's working on his stamp collection. He has his with one hand. He's got mine, and he takes out his tweezers, and takes out these little stamps. And I said, how? How can you do this? and he said would you rather I be like you I mean it makes sense but it got me through it got me through you know he's there to support me we had a baby that was born dead and it was a terribly sad time in our life and he held me every night for a year I was really good during the day and I'd go to my meetings and everything but the spirit wasn't there I suppose had a classic depression I just went to my meetings every night when the lights went out and when I'd say my prayers I would always cry I'd have a little cry and he'd hold me he never said anything he never tried to say you shouldn't feel this way he just held me And it was just the kindest and the most spiritual thing that anyone could have done. He was supporting me when I could not support myself and giving me that little, atta girl, you know, you'll get through this. And I did. We did. AA should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers. We've got to do this thing for fun and for free. You know, this is Chuck Chamberlain used to say that the best way to go about life, the bestway to go to work, the bestway to have a marriage is to do it for fun and for free. To have some fun. You know, to do those things, not be so damn serious about everything. Don't take ourselves so seriously. Don't examine every action that we take. We're not in shrink 101. We're living... I cannot expect perfection because again what are expectations premeditated resentments i'm setting myself up for a good case of poison of me and um you know unselfishness love love and putting the unity back in it you know thinking of him thinking of god thinking to him and thinking of myself left it isn't that i'm you know I got to emphasize this this is not subservience here I do I look like a subservient person do I act like a subservent of course not but what I what I'm saying is that I need to be I need consider others I need to consider God and need to consider others before I consider myself in all situations I mean I gotta be polite it comes down to being polite you know the closer you come in relationship with the person the more important politeness becomes because i mean how many i'm one of these people who when i get angry um i'll just blurt it out you know one of the people that i sponsor said she got mad at her husband one time and uh i mean he um he wanted to you know have a little fun and she said don't do anything on my count and i mean it just was like well literally it was like but that was she knew that that was going to damage his ego she knew it and i've got to be careful of that because those are things those are the words that we send out we can they're not like on a string we can't pull them back in when in doubt shut up when in doubts shut up that's what i have to tell myself. There are 86,400 seconds in one day. Do I take one to say thank you? You know it's very important to say thanks Dick. Thanks Dick for going out and selling when he was in radio and selling sexual fantasies to teenagers because that's what rock and roll does. Is It really sells sexual fantasies to teenagers, so you can bring home a good paycheck and stuff. You know, I mean, I just say, you know, thanks, little Dickie, for... His teachers, he comes from the South, they call him Jimmy Dickie. Isn't that awful? AA as such ought never be organized, but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve. How do I serve? How doI best serve? I know what I can do best in the family you know I know the things that I do best and he knows the things he does best and we try to I am of a I am the kind of person who has this is very this is very unlike a right brain person I need to have my checkbook balance to the penny to the penny I need know that he doesn't need to know that he rounds stuff I can't believe this he rounds it off so as a result of that when we moved to Nebraska he had this bank account that was still open in DC and he didn't think he had any money left in it and about two years later they were looking for us and they had 400 some dollars in it because he rounded stuff but I want it to the penny because the bank you know they have been known to make mistakes i want my money and i want to know i want to know when i need to feel insecure isn't that it i know a woman who actually is so prideful about her checkbook that she will you know like let's say she had 614 in the bank she keeps a balance that says 20614 and she knows she only has 614 but she puts two zero case anybody looks over her shoulder at her checkbook like the checker is going to go let's see how much money you have in your checkbook before you write oh twenty thousand dollars you must be important So we do what we do best in our thing. I mean, we do what we don't want to do. We do what we do best. He barbecues better than I do. I burn everything. I cook inside better than he does. He puts peas in meatloaf, you know. One time he put a hard-boiled egg in the middle of the meatloof and the kids, we sliced it, you know, and it's supposed to be like gourmet and the kids are going it's looking at me mom he's better dealing with jimmy than i am really because he's very quiet and very manly and very you know and when jim was using and drinking and stuff he's you know i have this joke they say you see these up here you think these are wrinkles don't you they're venetian blind marks that's my only al-anon joke but i had my window and my venetians eyes pressed up against those things and i would make deals with and i'd say if god if it's the next car i'll cook dinner nice ones for a year you know no brakes and then it wouldn't be that car and i'd say well if it's the next car i promise i'll never swear from the podium again and i said well now if you'll just bring him home safe i won't yell at him and i would alternate that but with jumping in bed and pretending like i was asleep when he came drunkenly in the door or my tongue was attached to the doorknob and he'd open that door and I used to make him stay up with me this is your son and he's out and he could be dead and he would say yes but if he is we'll find out how can you say that I'd walk and I'd pace and the dogs and me would sit in there and worry together. He'd be in there sleeping on his chair and every time I passed his footstool, I'd kick the footstoo. He was always better at dealing with Jim as an adult. So when Jim came into AA he came and told his dad, he said, I'm in AA. I'm excited that alcoholism is my problem and I need to be in AA and his dad nodded sagely, and I go, I told you so! I was always threatening to send him to military school. Anyway, I guess what I'm done, I mean Dick is going to finish it up, but I guess What I'm saying is I have learned through all of this that I just can't take myself too serious. I cannot be the center of my existence. you know I may not be much but I'm all I think about sometimes and I don't want to have to bring that into a marriage I just think that is the dumbest thing I remember this guy at our group on the Monday night workshop he said Monday night he said my wife is stuck around because you know he said when when we got married we had one thing in common that was that we were both in love with Steve. And I just thought that was so funny because in some ways that was me. But anyway, I have I wasn't in love With Steve. Me. Moi, Miss Piggy. Anyway, I really want to thank you. I want to say first that I hope you get I hope we got something out of what I say. I'm sure if you go back and sort it through in your mind, you'll come up with some little pearl somewhere among the chaff. But just take a look at these for yourself. This is what I have come up with, this is what we have come up with but you're the one that has to apply them in your life and if you have the experience that I have with them you will really truly be happy, joyous and free. Thank you. When we were first married Peggy went to the grocery store I wanted to go with her. If I went to the gas station. She wanted to go with me and we were so dependent upon each other it was just sickening, really. And you know it was it was with great relief one day I went to the hardware store and she didn't come with me. We were very dependent upon each other there's no question about that. Then after we had been married for a while you know we just kind of scorned each other off and became very independent and you know I did what I wanted to do and she did what she wanted to as long as it wasn't hurting the relationship but it wasn t a warm relationship then. It was just kind of cool, I guess. I think very gradually we learned that what we were supposed to do is to be adults and be interdependent. Take into consideration what the other person wanted to do and be with them in what they wanted to do and have them be with you when doing the things that you wanted to do so the object is to grow up and be mature and be interdependent all of those things which we hate to even hear about you know we hate to see the word maturity because it's the furthest thing from my mind right now I'm still looking through the world looking at the world through a pair of 25 year old eyes I can tell you but it's not not bad the things I see but sometimes they're not realistic for a person who's 66. Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues, hence the A name will never be drawn to public controversy. Don't speak ill of your partner. If you're going to say something, say something nice. You don't have to speak ill of your partners to people, to other people. Just keep that to yourself. Don''t make a spectacle of yourself. Take care of your own side of the street. Take your own inventory don't speak don't don't take somebody else's speak softly avoid heated controversy if things get heated in the conversation that you're having with your mate take a walk say hey things are getting hot let's let's cool it off let's take a little walk each person has right to their opinions whether they're right or not it doesn't mean any doesn't make any difference heated self-righteous arguments have no places no place in a decent relationship and serve absolutely no purpose. Dirty linen, laundry lists well I think when we were first married you did this that and the other. When we were third married you did this. When married six years you did that. My first wife did that she knew everything that I ever did walk. She knew when I walked across when i jaywalked i mean she would tell me about it everything was just in the past in the past in and we try to live our lives a day at a time right now you know then was then and now is now what are you going to do about now we have to be forgiving and understanding that that's the way that's part of life how important is it you get angry with somebody because something they do how important it is is it important so important that you're You're going to remember what it was tomorrow or next week or next month or next year. Is this a principle issue, or is this just personality issue? Never, absolutely never hit or physically harm anybody. There's just no call for that. Let others do what they want to, but you don't have to do that yourself. I learned to disagree without being disagreeable the biggest thing I ever learned in my life is to keep my mouth shut that's the smartest thing I've ever learned to do sometimes I think I keep my mouse shut when I shouldn't but those are the exact times when I should because I'm feeling self-righteous when And I think that I should, well, I don't know. I took her coffee one morning because I always do that every morning. She's been sober longer than I have. I get up earlier and she does. When I decide I want some company aside from the dog or something, I get her a cup of coffee at a regular time every day, actually. And one morning I took around a cup OF coffee and she sat up in bed and she says, What did you say that at the meeting last night for? I said, I don't know what I said. Or what you said to Sam. I said I don' t know what I said I thought to myself You probably ought to get back in the kennel with your puppies I didn't say it That's what I thought And I just slowly said Here's your coffee honey I'll see you later I walked out of the room, and I still don't know what it is I said. It doesn't make any difference. I don't Know what kind of dreams that you were having, but they weren't good. Keeping your mouth shut will save you a lot of grief, I'll tell you. It really does. Eleven, our public relations policy based on traction rather than promotion, we need to always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films. remember that interdependent be helpful with each other help when they can't do something do something for them I had an aortal resection bypass a few years ago and I couldn't lift things and do things and God I was just I got a bladder infection and I was sicker than the dog for a while and I unfailingly remembered that Peggy was doing things for me that I used to do for myself and I couldn't do, and I was so appreciative of that. And that's what we're there for. That's why we have mates in order to be kind to someone else. It gives us an outlet to do something for somebody else and not think of ourselves but to think of them. My nature as an alcoholic is such that when Peggy gets ill, the first day I'll wait on her and take her, take her breakfast in bed. You know, is there anything? Fluff up her pills and so on and so forth. Next day I will take her breakfast in bed but it won't be as fancy, you know. By the third day I'm thinking, all right goddammit, you're interfering with my life. I just want you to get out of this crap, you know. But again, I don't say anything because if I do, I may as well just cut my throat public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion okay what does that mean that means we should be physically mentally and spiritually attractive to our mates how do you do that it's really very simple how about taking a shower every day I mean that sounds kind of simple but how about bathing to stay clean instead of get to get clean how about doing that how about you know wearing perfume how about wearing you know aftershave lotion you know why not do things like that why not keep your nails clean or painted or why don't you keep your hair clean and combed or brushed or neat why don t you dress nicely if you're a housewife and you stay at home and your husband is out working for an example the people he sees every day are dressed up and they're nice looking. And if he comes home to you and you're dressed like a harridan, is this a program of attraction? You bet it is. You bet It is. So clean your act up when you come home. And you guys remember that this is a program of attraction and you being overweight or a slob dirty or smell bad or not brush your teeth is not an attraction it's a detraction and remember to keep yourself clean be polite don't brag you don't have to tell your your spouse how important you are just do and if you do she'll know she or he will know how important you are you become important to them because what you do so so speak so loudly you don' t you can't hear the words then it doesn't make any difference be the best member of alcoholics anonymous you can be if you're lonely and you don't have a mate let me suggest something to you you probably wouldn't want to have somebody that you could attract right now if you become the best number of alcoholic synonymous that you can you will become attractive and if you've become attractive he or she will come along and you'll know that they're there there's no question about that so don't cry yourself to sleep overnight try to help a newcomer instead it'll make a lot of difference anonymity really is being polite i think that uh we just have to learn to be polite and kind and considerate of each other. That's the main thing that we can do, and especially in front of other people. As I said earlier, Peggy is the most important woman in my life. There's just no one else. She's my life's companion, and I want her to be that way, and i act like that. I treat her like I want her, to be in my Life forever because that's where I want Her to be. And it's not because I'm some soppy old fool it's just because i genuinely have an affection for her and she's a great companion for me 12 anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions are reminding us to place principles before personalities now i'm just going to read you a little laundry list perhaps taking care of your side of the street minding your own business not others and best of all doing for others, not asking or expecting anything in return. Doing this really in the hope that our great blessings may never spoil us and that we shall forever live in thankful contemplation of him who presides over us all. I don't know whether you know it or not, but very simply if you'll think about it, if we abide within the traditions, whether it's in our group or in our home or in our work or what we do, we're comfortable. We're at ease because we know we're doing the right thing. And if we're uncomfortable and at ease and doing the right things, it's because we're not doing what God wants us to do. It's really, we're just doing what God wants uns to do, and if God wants us t o do things and we're doing them, he's going to give us peace, and we can live in thankful contemplation of him. Love, forgiveness, selflessness, willingness gratitude humility of the results achieved by placing principles before our own rotten personalities upon my own demands remember I could be wrong and you know if I say I could me wrong that I'm absolutely right every time do something every day at least one thing if not a dozen things for someone else and don't expect anything in return don't ask for any thing in return just do for the pleasure of doing and as I do that and as it goes through life I put my head down on the pillow at night and I go to sleep and I sleep well and I sleep without without a guilty conscience I sleep with a warm understanding that God loves me and it's okay. And I know that Peggy loves me because I love her. I couldn't love her if she didn't love me. It just doesn't work that way. It really works because we were, we love each other. We try to be there for each other and we try to care, we try to listen, we try to be partners in the truest sense of the word and in doing so we end up being very comfortable. I want to thank you very much for your attention. Thank you very for inviting us down and I hope that what we have said has been some help to you and we love you all. Thank you.