Whole Commuter Bus Stood Up and Clapped When I Finally Got Off at My Stop 🤣 – Terri B.

I'm Katie, I'm an alcoholic, and my sobriety date is June 17, 2008, and the College Park Triangle Group is my home group, and today I'm just extremely grateful because of my ability to show up for people and events, and back when I was drinking, I was a binge drinking blackout drinker, and I never knew where alcohol was going to take me, because once I took the first drink, that more and more and more of that phenomenon of craving took over, and by the grace of God, I was able to come into Alcoholics Anonymous, and get a sponsor, and work the 12 steps, and today I live life one day at a time, and I've met some incredible people, and for me, it's the joy in trying to help others, and the love that I have in my life today, which I definitely didn't have before coming into the room, so I'm grateful to be here tonight, and does anyone have a desire to drink today? All right, and without further ado, I'm going to introduce our speaker, and her name is Terri, and she's from... I'm from the heart, and whenever I see her, she's just got this light about her, and like this joy, and she's just, you can tell that she's just got like a warm heart, and she's always there with a bright smile, and just like this brightness that just illuminates, you know, so I'm really happy that she's, you know, come, she suited up and showed up right in the nick of time, so without further ado, here's Terri from the heart. Hi everybody, my name's Terri, and I am an alcoholic, and I really didn't mean to scare... Katie, like I did. I was actually this afternoon spending a wonderful afternoon with my daughters, and having a party, and you know that my children want me in their lives today. It is just an extraordinary miracle, and you know, I had to rush home for just a moment, and my... So wonderful, life is so wonderful today. My little neighbor, who I'm absolutely in love with... He's the love of my life, he stands about to my knee, he's four years old, and he's the love of my life, his name's Brock, and Brock had to run across to my house and give me a big hug and kiss, and he says, where you going Terri, I go too, and I just kind of smiled to myself, and I thought, God, please not this one, just in case though, I'll keep a seat going, I'll keep a seat going, because he's just a delightful young little boy, and he just has stolen my heart. And, you know, I don't scare little people today like I used to, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, you know, and so Katie, I apologize that I was not as early as the speaker should be, but you know, thank you so much. Thank you all for being here tonight, and you know, allowing me to come and share my humble little story, and you know, that I even am here today to share my experience, strength, and hope. It is such a miracle. My story truly is, you know, if I were to say it to someone who is not an alcoholic, and, you know, leaving out, you know, the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, they would scratch their heads and wonder why I'm still here, and the story is about the journey of a lost, demented soul, trying to find the answers, and trying to manipulate life, and I'm getting to a point where I could not deny any longer still being alive that there had to be something other than me, and I was, as I was driving here, because you know how the love bugs are out like crazy right now? It's like my life before coming into AA was, if you can imagine, your windshield just smashed, you know, with all those ooey gooey love bugs, and never cleaning it, and still trying to find your way. You know what that's like? You know? That describes me before coming to AA, and, you know, my story, I love what our big book says, and if I can find the exact page, because it talks about that my dark past is my greatest asset, and that who I used to think I was, and truly believed that I was, is now my greatest asset. Now, through working the 12 steps, and by the touch of something greater than myself, sharing with you that dark past, and how I found freedom from it, is my greatest asset today, and I share it with you absolutely free. I am not tormented like I used to be, and my story is about, truly, drinking is but a symptom. When you remove alcohol from me, I'm still left with the monsters within, and I had those monsters within long, long, long before I picked up the drink, and my story is one, that you could blame the circumstances, because I have had hundreds of hours of therapy, and I have turned therapists green and white in the face by drinking. You know? I have turned therapists green and white in the face by my story, and they have condoned my behavior. And so, that's a neat thing, really cool, except, when you get back in your car, and you're trying to cope with life again, gee, the therapist is on my side, but life is still crappy! So, all I could do, eventually, was drink. So, I want to share just briefly, some of those secrets. So, I want to share just briefly, some of those secrets. So, all I could do, eventually, was drink. So, I want to share just briefly, some of those secrets. So, all I could do, eventually, was drink. So, all I could do, eventually, was drink. So, all I could do, eventually, was drink. So, all I could do, eventually, was drink. So, all I could do, eventually, was drink. So, all I could do, eventually, was drink. So, all I could do, eventually, was drink. So, all I could do, eventually, was drink. So, all I could do, eventually, was drink. So, all I could do, eventually, was drink. So, all I could do, eventually, was drink. So, all I could do, eventually, was drink. So, all I could do, eventually, was drink. So, all I could do, eventually, was drink. So, all I could do, eventually, was drink. day means so much to me. And as Katie shared, that's her sobriety day too. I share my sobriety day with my first sponsor. I share it with Katie. My sponsor now, her sobriety day is June 18th. I don't want to change my sobriety day because I don't know if I'm going to get another one. I know I have another drunk in me. I don't know if I have another sobriety. And one of the things that I hold on to, this is not conference approved literature, but it has helped me. It's the 24 hour a day book by Hazleton. And for me, this is my message. This is what, on the day that I got sober, this is my message from my higher power. I hope you will find yours. Because I certainly didn't choose my sobriety. It's like God picked me out of the garbage heap and said, you will get sober. And this is the message that my higher power had for me. We in AA have the privilege of living two lives in one lifetime. One life of drunkenness, failure, and defeat. Then through AA, another life of sobriety, peace of mind, and usefulness. We who have recovered our sobriety are modern miracles. And we're living on borrowed time. Some of us might have been dead long ago. But we have been given another chance to live. Do I owe a debt of gratitude to AA that I can never repay as long as I live? Yes, sir. Yes, ma'am. A debt of gratitude to AA that I can never possibly pay. My nickname in the room is Terry Terry. I'm going to try to keep it under control. You know, when I think about what AA has done for me, what you and AA who have carried the message long before I was ever given the message, for AA to be here for me, I am eternally grateful. And I get to, one day at a time, carry this message to the best of my ability to the next suffering alcoholic. And my life has new meaning today. I have been graced to live two lifetimes in one. And I'm going to share a little bit about the nightmare of the first. The first nightmare of my lifetime that I survived somehow. I was born into a family of, it's somewhere between, and those of you who have heard my story before, it's still the same story. It was somewhere between an Edgar Allan Poe novel and Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. I had a very strange family. And when I was about four years old, we lived, I was born in Northridge, California. We lived in Granada Hills. Very beautiful little town again. Every corner had orange groves. And now it's totally different. LA is different. Granada Hills was like a little sleepy town. And at four years old, I'm on my tricycle running away from home. And I've decided that I'm going to find a new family. And so at four years old, I'm already running. I don't know why. I don't remember why. But I'm running away from home at four years old. We moved to England. And this is just, I just want to give you a little smidgen of a glimpse of to what my life was to be for about the next, oh, I want to say ten years or so. This is how, my family had interesting coping skills. My father was a prisoner of war. He flew for the Royal Air Force and was caught by the Japanese and held for two and a half years. And he was a multiple personality. He weighed under a hundred pounds. And this was a family secret that we were never to share with another soul. The daddy wasn't quite right. My dad was wonderful when he was his true self. But when the multiple personalities came out, you never knew what was going to happen. And I spilled some milk in England at the little breakfast table. I was promptly taken upstairs, thrown into a sea trunk, and told what a horrible and, you know, disrespectful, yucky child I was. And I came to, some days later, in the hospital. My grandmother had snuck into the house and got me out of the sea trunk. And, you know, I am, their IVs and getting me, you know, back to life. The first words I heard were my father's, saying, if you tell, I will hurt you again. And I believed him. And I decided then and there, and the big book talks about it. Making a decision based on self that later places you in a position to be hurt. That little child of five years old made a decision at five based on self. And I am not angry with her. I am not angry at myself at five. It worked at five. This survival coping skill that I created was great at five. It was very unattractive at 40. Do you see where I'm going here? I made a decision at five that I had to be a good girl no matter what. That I would do anything so that you would not get angry with me. I would not feel I became a robot. It's impossible. And I would not let go of that belief. Because, you see, I had to at all costs get you to like me. So that you wouldn't hurt me. And so for the next ten years my dad physically, verbally and sexually abused me. And when I got older, we moved to Utah. And I met a 6'3", 198 pound Adonis. And my dad was friggin scared to death of him. And so decision based on self, dad stays away from me when I bring the cute guy around. And so I decided I was going to do whatever I could to keep this man in my life. Because my dad stopped hurting me. Well, we get married. And I know then, you know how we always make, we say that if I get this, or if I get this, my life will be okay? The new shiny bike, if I get the new shiny bike, life will be okay? Well, all my life I had been dreaming for the man who would rescue me. Who would make me feel okay. And take all the dark, horrid pain away. Because you see, I was so afraid if people found out about my abuse. Because you see, it was my fault. Because I was such a bad person. And if you knew the truth about me, you would think I was a freak. And you would run away. You would think I was contagious. Well, I got the shiny bike. I got the big strapping husband. The only problem is, Terry stopped emotionally growing at 5 years old. Because I am so busy protecting myself. And lying to you about who I really am. That when I came into that marriage, I couldn't be intimate. And I'm not talking about the big S word. I'm talking about two human beings coming together in honesty. Building life together. I couldn't. Because you see. If he knew the truth about me, he would throw me away. And so life goes on. And I'm trying. And I'm trying. I'm dancing. I'm dancing. I'm dancing all over the place. And lo and behold, years later, my mother gets really sick. And eventually passes away. And my sister and I are cleaning out. Her effects out of her bedroom. And I find in my mother's stuff a torture diary. And that the whole time, I had been condemning and hating my mother. Because she wouldn't protect me from my father. My mother was drinking. To save herself from the physical and emotional torment of when my father would become, in his multiple personality, he would take her and he would torture her. Like the Japanese tortured him in the prisoner of war camp. I had lived with my mother until I was twenty years old. And never once, never once, noticed her pain. And that night I hated myself. Another reason. How could I have lived in that home and hated her so much? Look at the pain and the horror that my mother lived with and died with. No reprieve from my mother. No reprieve from my mother. And I wanted to get away from her. her and I as a child having to you know being so angry when I got home from work that she was drunk and no dinner cooked and she burnt the house down literally my mother would burn the house down and I would just say I'm never going to be like my mom I'm never going to be like my mom I hate her I hate her I hate her as I'm pouring her liquor down the drain and then in you know what it is to be an alcoholic and you need that drink and you can't find it my mother would chase me around the house in a drunken stupor with a butcher knife trying to get me and I'm such a brilliant fabulous thinker I would turn her into a cartoon character and make her move slow so I could race out of the house and get away from the big bad mom and now I'm sitting on the edge of her bed and I'm seeing the truth for the first time in my life everything unraveled I'm trying I'm going to therapy I'm telling them a few highlights from my life I'm manipulating the world and what happened with that telling the therapist a few highlights like I said in the beginning it made them feel you know really sorry for me and they thought my god how are you not a multiple personality how are you doing all this wow you're a textbook survivor post-traumatic stress disorder blah blah blah blah blah I was anorexic and bulimic long before they were ever diagnosed as anything and so I mean I gave these therapists a lot to go with and there they're patting me on the back and going oh you poor thing and like I said earlier I would leave but no coping skills and it came out that once I had taken steps to protect myself from my father being a perpetrator he went on to others and those others happened to be my nieces and the family became very angry with me because see it was my fault now my nieces have this horror and this pain to go through and it's not my fault it's my fault it's my fault it's my fault it's my fault it's all Terry's fault and I believed them and I had to tell my ex-husband my husband at the time the truth see I had never told him he knew my family was very odd but I had never told him the truth about what went on in my home and I was very terrified and I told him the truth and of course he said to me you are damaged goods get out of my life it was a manifestation of a truth within me I had never shown up in 10 years in that marriage. I didn't know how. I was so terrified. I ultimately brought about that in my life because I never dealt with it. We had my children tested. By the grace of God, 99.9% sure the doctors are that my father did not abuse them. And for that, I am eternally grateful. But we divorced. And I am a Mormon by now. I don't know if any of you know that religion, LDS. I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints before I married my ex-husband because it gave me a sense of family. And I didn't go wacko when I was a teenager doing wild and crazy things because there would be no one to reel me in. And so here I am now, a 30-year-old woman, divorced. I could go wacko now. It was like, screw it. Screw it. And, sorry, I really shouldn't have used that language. Sorry. And so, you know, I'm a Mormon. It's against the word of wisdom to drink. And so on the way home from the divorce court, I go to a state-owned liquor store. Things are very strange in Utah if you want hard liquor. And so I go in never having had a drink before, and I buy a beaker pint of Jack Daniels. And I did not know that I was going to start the love affair of my life. And that I was going to start hanging out with a rapacious lover. That when I felt it was over, the lover didn't want to let me go. But that night, I went home and I did what every normal person does when they have their first drink. The kids weren't with me because a friend knew my heart was broken and she was going to take the kids. So I locked all the doors, closed all the curtains, closed all the blinds, and sat in the dark in the corner of my kitchen. That's how everybody's first drink is, right? And I guzzled down. I guzzled down that pint of Jack Daniels, hating the taste. But you see, I am in this book called The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Hating the taste of alcohol from the first drink to the last ten years later. I drank for the effect produced. I am restless, irritable, and discontent unless I can at once, at once, get the effect that alcohol gives me. That in-control feeling that you can't hurt me. Everything's fine. And I had what God rest his soul Bill Oak talks about. That golden moment. Never having had a drink and it started glowing from my toes and went all the way up my body and out the ends of my hair. And all of a sudden for the first time in my life I was okay. Nobody could hurt me. Dad, just try it. George, you're a fool. You divorced me. What an idiot. I'm beautiful. I fit in. Well, it got a little difficult. I'm working at a Mormon law firm. Ay, yi, yi. You know, the head of the law firm. His great-great-great grandfather, I think, was the first attorney general for the state of Utah. So this is a very prestigious, old law firm. Very Mormon. So I have to be careful. So I'm controlling my drinking in the beginning. I'm not drinking when the kids are there. And I'm waiting. And then I'm drinking on the weekend. And I'm going up to Park City. And I'm just drinking to oblivion. I never was a social drinker. And I don't understand that part in the big book about where it says that we try to control our drinking. Because the only reason I drank, was oblivion. Get me oblivion and get in now. And the only thing that made me angry was that I kept coming to. And that I had these stupid consequences. Because you see, I was placing unreasonable demands on the world around me. My behavior was inappropriate. What? Be mad at me because I'm two hours late from work? Don't you understand the pain my life has been? How dare you write me up and put me on probation? I just, you know, I have had my quota of pain. And you all should understand. I was already living in a world of justice for you, mercy for me. And I wanted you all to pay and make it right so that the world wouldn't hurt me anymore. And I'm drinking and drinking. And all of a sudden, I couldn't just keep it to the weekends. I needed that drink. And I couldn't make it without that drink. Horrible, horrible place to be. And so some friends of mine, and I'm not drinking full time yet, some friends of mine performed an intervention on me because I was starting to act very strange and very weird. And I got put into this very gestalt therapy kind of program, which is not good when you're a chameleon and a doormat and I'll do anything for you to like me. Because these therapists, you were locked in a room and they would yell at you. They would scream and rant and rave very much like the Marines. And if you didn't do exactly what they wanted, they would yell at you. So I stuffed everything real down even further in me. And I'm doing everything that they tell me to do. But I'm leaving there and I'm drinking. And I'm coming back and I'm trying to do this. I want to get well. I know I'm a mess. Well, in the midst of all of this, I get home at 3 o'clock in the morning. We have to be back by 11 the next morning with our homework done. And I get home at 3 and I'm trying to get a little rest. And someone breaks into my home and I am attacked. In women's meetings, I call it like it is. In women, you know what it is. Men, you know what it is. But in mixed meeting, I was attacked with a pair of scissors. And I remember knowing I was going to die. And trying and fighting for it not to happen. And I was losing. Brutally losing. And then all of a sudden, I don't know how it happened. Or where I dug down deep. And as softly as I could, because he was brutalizing me every time I said anything. And I just sweetly, simply said, God, thy will be done. And the man, like an electrical charge, was thrown off me and went screaming like a bat out of you know where out of my house. There was an intervention of some kind there. Some power greater than me that saved my life. Well, I went into the therapy for that. And instead of realizing that there had been some divine intervention, I turned my fist to God and I said, great God, you had your chance for me to come home now. And now you don't even want me. I turned completely away from God. And all I could do was drink. Because there was no way to hide the pain. There was no way for it to go anymore. I was totally on my own. The God of self. See, my problem has never really been the drinking. And when I say the drinking, I mean the alcohol. Because the alcohol was a solution. And it was a solution that worked for a very long time. Because it stopped that screaming inside of my head. It stopped me from literally wanting to kill myself. And I'm so grateful that I'm kind of a spineless person. And I really don't like pain. So, you know, the instantaneous ways that you could kill yourself, I was always too chicken to do. But what's so funny is I saw the movie with Nicolas Cage leaving Las Vegas. And I don't know for you youngins in the room if you have ever watched that movie. But Nicolas Cage's character literally drinks himself to death. So this bright person decides that she's going to start trying to drink herself to death. And so I'm falling more and more into the grips of alcohol. And I'm not dying very quickly. I'm getting very annoyed at this whole process. And in the middle of all of this, I moved to Florida. Which was so wonderful because I no longer needed to try to hide and pretend. Everybody drinks in Florida. It's so great. It's so great. It's so great. I mean, you just show up at a bar dressed half decent and, you know, people buy drinks. And, but the problem was, is I could never get enough. It was that game now of oiling myself up before I got there. Getting there before the date got there. You know, having how much you know, two, three, four, five, six drinks. Trying to maintain to have the two proper drinks at dinner. Yuck. Just disgusting. And then ending up hoping the date gets over quickly. You know, I guess I became kind of moral because I didn't want to go home with them because that meant I couldn't drink. I wanted to get rid of the date to go home and drink more. And, you know, I look back on that time and I don't know how I made it through. And there was one point, that I laugh, I laugh about it. Again, I'm at, I'm working at a very, another prestigious law firm, a very old law firm here in Central Florida. And this is now towards the end of my drinking. And I lock myself in my attorney's office. And I'm on the phone with the mental health number and I'm threatening to kill myself in my boss's office. I don't know what I was going to do. Club myself to death with some law books. I don't know. I don't know. You know, the law can be lethal. I don't know. You know, hit myself over the head with the computer terminal. I don't know. The door's locked and my boss is on her knees begging me to open the door. I'm in her office and the door's locked. And to this day I don't know why she didn't get our building services and get the door opened and throw my little patootie out the door. But I am such a manipulator and by this time I had gotten this woman so wrapped around my little finger that not only does she not fire me, she bundles me in her car and takes me to the emergency appointment because I'm going to kill myself. And I'm such a wreck, she fills out the papers for me. I have a deal going here. And so I start therapy. And I'm not being truthful with that therapist. How could I be? And then a few weeks after that, I'm at a graduation of one of my children and something truly insignificant happens but it's the end of the world for me. I just can't believe how horrible people are to me. And I go home from this incident and I decide that's it. I am drinking myself to death. So I drink a six pack of beer, a bottle of wine, two pints of whiskey and something else within an hour, hour and a half and manage to black out and wake up the next day madder than a hornet. I cannot believe. I mean, it's like what does it take, Nick? I want to call him on the phone and go, Nick, what does it take? You know, I was so mad. And I'm listening over and over again to the Sarah McLoughlin CD. And I don't know if any of you have done that in your drinking where you just listen to the same song over and over that's going to give you that knowing of how to handle life. And the song is All I Have Left is Sweet Surrender. And on June 16th of 1998, I'm sitting listening to that song and I finally, towards 11 o'clock, I said the prayer that God answers every time. When an alcoholic prays this prayer, God answers 100% of the time. Remember, I had thrown God out of my life a long time ago. And you know how life run on Terry's terms. I'm really bad at even trying to kill myself, guys. You know, I'm bad at drinking. I'm bad at manipulating life. And I can't even die. So I'm listening to this All I Have Left is Sweet Surrender. And I remember holding up the glass of whiskey. And there was a full moon. And I said, okay, God, I don't even know what that is. What is Sweet Surrender, God? If that's what you want, please show me how. And thank God, I passed out. And I came to at 7 o'clock, having to catch the bus at 710. Didn't have that morning drink like I normally do. And so I get a call June 17th of 1998, my sobriety date. And I ran to the bus stop, because you see, I had no car. It had been repossessed, because we had to buy the liquor rather than pay the car payment. That makes sense, right? And I'm standing in front, on Loma, in front of the Dunkin' Donuts, waiting for the bus. And I really want to remember this. With all my heart and soul, I want to remember what I came to you as. Because if I pick up a drink, that's the place I'm going to start from, or even further into this. Because see, I have a progressive disease. I'm standing in the Loma, waiting for the bus, and all of a sudden, the world starts spinning around me. I know I have a brain tumor. I know I have palsy. I'm sweating profusely. I'm shaking. And all of a sudden, it all goes dark. I see a dark tunnel, stars, I'm gone. I come to on my hands and knees. I haven't broken my nose, but it's bleeding. I come up from the crack in the pavement and the grass. I have ants crawling all over me, up my nose. I have managed to pee all over myself. I have managed to the other all over myself. And I didn't know until five years sober and sharing this. Twelve-stepping, someone else at a conference, there was a nurse present, and she said, Terri, you had an alcoholic grand mal seizure. And all these years, five years into the program, I didn't know it. I had an alcoholic grand mal seizure the morning I got sober. All body functions just came out, splat. You know, for me to drink is to die. And I'm all on my hands and knees, dripping from everywhere. Ants, smelly, gooey. The bus stops, I get on. And the terror, I mean, if you can imagine, not only the way I look, but the way I smell. I'm in a business suit, going to the Schwenkel offer. And if any of you have ever done public transit, those front seats that go sideways, those were full. Those people in the front immediately got up and moved to the back of the bus. I'm sitting in the front of the bus, all alone with my stinky, poopy self. And as the bus is stopping at the new stops all the way from, you know, Winter Park to downtown, the bus driver is in a contorted face, trying to warn the new people getting on the bus that, ooh, be careful. He's looking like he's having a seizure. And what I don't want to forget is the look on the people's faces because they smelled me first, slapped their hands over their face, turned around and saw me. And they scurried to the back of the bus. So this whole commuter bus all the way to downtown, I'm frightening everybody. I go to get off the bus finally and I never want to forget this. I get off the bus. The whole bus stands up and claps. They were glad I was gone. I go into the back of the law firm. I wash my suit out. I have nowhere else to go. I have nothing left inside of me. No more bag of tricks. My therapist slipped a newcomer packet into my purse. Neat lady. And I called the hotline. And there was a volunteer that answered the phone. Never having known AA before. And I went to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous that night. It was so funny. On the phone I'm debating with her whether I should go. And we think that we don't affect anybody else. We're just hurting ourselves. Well, I'm arguing with the volunteer on the phone about how maybe I'm not an alcoholic and I'm too scared to come. And she tells me, no, no, no. I want you to go to From the Heart. And I want you to see this little short blonde red-haired lady and blah, blah, blah. And I'm telling her, no, no, no. I finally say I'm going to go. We hang up the phone. Well, I do tell her I have nowhere to get. I have no way to get there. I don't have a car. Well, guess what? From the Heart then was really within walking distance from my firm. And I hang up the phone and my co-worker over the wall jumps up. I'll take you. No, I'm not affecting anybody, am I? No. And so she does drive me. And she sits with the car right out front of Orange and Anderson and she's not leaving. And I took that 400 mile walk into my first meeting. And I remember distinctly what those doors looked like. They were French doors and I knew that the handles were going to burn me. I knew it. I knew it. And I opened the door and I sat in the back of the room. Again, like so many people, I don't remember what was said at that meeting. All I know is all of a sudden the terror was gone. I felt like I belonged for the first time in my life. And my home group, I love it. I love, I love, love, love my home group. Because they didn't sit there and let me decide whether I needed a white chip. They knew I needed a white chip. And I'm sitting in the back because I'm going to leave and I am not coming back. Because you see guys, I have to have that drink. I can't make it without that. I have a disease called alcoholism that gives me the obsession of the mind that the only way I can cope is to drink. And then when I take a drink, I have an allergy that condemns me to drink more. Because you see, I can't stop. And my home group knew that. And at the end of the meeting when they asked if anyone has a desire to stop drinking, I sat there going, I don't have a desire to do nothing. And two women picked me up and took me to the front of the room and put the white chip in my hands. And by God's grace, I have never had to pick up another one. And I cannot explain that to you. Because when I went to my first meeting, I had no desire to stop. But I would come to know a higher power that said, yes, you are an alcoholic. And this is the sure fire way for you to know that you are mine. There is a way out of this burden called self-carry. And it is through 12 steps that I will show you how to do through a sponsor who has done the steps. Who has worked these steps. And it has too been given a second life. And that day, June 17th of 1998, was the beginning of a new life. Now it was a journey that I was not prepared for. But I didn't need to be prepared for it. Alcoholics Anonymous is a come as you are, will take you any way, shape, or form. You crawl in, you walk in, you roll in. There is a chair for you. There is a place for you. No one is too discredited to ever, ever, be welcomed in these rooms. And I was so sick. And I know many of you knew that when I first came in. And if you rolled your eyes, and if you went, here she is again, I never noticed. You always made me feel welcome. No matter what condition I was in, you loved me anyway. And you told me to keep coming back. And I started working the steps to the best of my ability with my sponsor. And you see, I was terrified to work that fourth step. Absolutely terrified. Because you see, I had a secret. And if I told that secret, I was going to die. You see, I'm 5 years old. I'm 40 chronologically. But in my mind, I'm 40 years old. And if I tell you that secret, my dad is going to come and he's going to hurt me. You see, my dad was God. Alcohol was God. And you want me to tell a secret. I can't. I cannot tell you. And I was terrified. This program is so amazing. And I tried and I tried. And I couldn't surrender to God. I was so terrified. My sponsor sent me to the beach. And she asked me to do an exercise. I want you to go into that water and I want you, Miss Terry, who is so big and powerful, to stop a wave. See if you can stop that wave. Of course, I went early in the morning when nobody was there. And I did what my sponsor said. And I am screaming at the waves. And I am trying to stop them. And I can't. And I can't. Hours and hours trying to stop these waves to the point of utter exhaustion. And then all of a sudden, I surrendered to the wave. And was gently put on the shore. Am I eternally grateful that I had a sponsor who gently got me to understand and didn't throw me away because I couldn't do the fourth step. She helped me to understand what surrender was. And then the next week I went to a Joe and Charlie Big Book study surrounded by my home group on the front row. And Joe and Charlie got to the point where we are putting down what others have done. And I couldn't, I didn't understand what they had done. To me, my part in what I had done with my dad was that I was born. That it was my fault. And God blessed those men. One of them has since passed. And now I can carry on that message that they so freely and beautifully gave me. They gave me permission that day. They said in a few instances in this program in doing our inventories when you put down your wrongs in the instance of like testing other things your part is nothing. And I in front of 250 people was able to finally fourth step my father. And I gained some freedom that day. And what was so cool was when it was over I don't remember whether it was Joe or Charlie they came running off the stage because they knew what had happened. They saw me transforming. He lifted me up. He said, You did it! And we're crying together. He didn't know me. He just saw God working in another alcoholic and his joy. Because he knew that was the beginning of freedom for me. I've come since to know through working repeated fourth steps because I wasn't totally free of that nightmare at that time. And I'm grateful that I have a sponsor that gets me to work in the steps again and again and again. Because I came to you so damaged so askew with my perception of the world. And like Chuck C says, I needed a new pair of glasses. I needed to get those love bugs washed off that windshield so I could finally see my direction. And little by slowly sometimes with a wonderful home group and wonderful, wonderful sisters who journey this way with me I learned from your examples I see you living life and feel authentic. And I came to know through repeated fourth steps yes, when my dad did what he did when that man attacked me my fault was nothing. But I came to see that I did have a part later on. Because you see ladies and gentlemen I carried the scene of the crime with me wherever I went. And I made all of you pay for the pain that I had. Not once getting honest with a therapist or anyone to try to heal. This dark past is now my greatest asset. Because when I speak of my father today it is with great honor and with great dignity. I love my father. He has since passed away. And the night that he died was the night of the millennium. And I am so grateful that I was taught in these rooms to have no liquor in my house. I was smoking for three days at one o'clock when I got the phone call I come to, literally, emotionally out on my back porch smoking cigarettes. I had no idea there was a lighter and cigarettes in the house. And I am so grateful to this day there was no alcohol in my house. Because when my sister told me my father had passed away I disassociated like I did as a child when I was being abused. But thanks to the work in this program I was able to come back. And all I was doing was smoking cigarettes. That's it. And that night I walked and walked and walked around Showalter Field begging God to forgive my father. Please bring him home. Free him of his pain. Dear God, please give him freedom from his pain. Because you see, I had prayed for my father to go to hell ever since I was a child. The big book teaches me that whenever I am angry the poison that I am drinking to hurt others and the poison that I had drank the hatred that I had drank all my life towards my father was killing me, not him. And you see that night that I was roaming around Showalter Field begging God to forgive my father many fourth steps later many fifth steps later I learned who I was truly asking forgiveness for. I was on my knees at three in the morning at Showalter Field begging God to forgive me for all the hatred that I had had towards his child his sick child my father who had gone home who was free and I was asking God that I could be forgiven. And I have been because a few years ago there was a ceremony in front of City Hall that will ever remain a treasure in my heart. I had gotten released in one of the Gulf Wars and the Mayor of Orlando said this flag is raised for every POW that there has ever been or ever will be and as that flag that POW flag that is still flying high downtown Orlando was raised I said Daddy this is for you so that I could have the freedoms that I have today that I am free tonight to come to an AA meeting and share my story with you because of the sacrifice of my father I honor him and I love him and my mother is in that big AA meeting in the sky and every step that I take towards the freedom and sanity that only the 12 steps can give to the awakening and I hope my story does share with you that you can awaken no matter what it is you believe you will find a power greater than yourself no matter what you think your troubles are you will find a power greater than yourself that can solve this drink problem and a few others along the way because you see who I thought I was all that garbage has been removed and I can share the darkness because I know today I am no longer that I am a child of God I am an alcoholic who was given a second chance so that I can help others out of the darkness and that you can let go of those secrets and you no longer have to drink today I have a daily reprieve contingent upon the maintenance of my spiritual condition and I have come to know a peace that transcends all understanding I have a sponsor today who I love I hear her laughter in my heart every day every day I hear and I love you Katie your enthusiasm and your joy in sharing this message when I grow up I want to be just like you you know and all of you every one of you the preciousness and you are all invaluable please work these steps with your sponsor because the grip of alcoholism is a rapacious creditor and it is a horrible way to die but there is a way to live and this life is beyond my wildest dreams I have sponsors today who teach me every day the value of doing this because I do not see that awakening in me sometimes and when I see them awakening and going through whatever their life is offering and I see them doing it with grace and dignity with fear but holding the hand of another alcoholic I did not know I could love this way I did not know I could care like I do and I have gone over and I just so apologize but I just want you to know I am a woman who keeps her promises today and one there is so much more I wish my heart had time to tell you because I know the journey isn't over and just one quick thing I had promised my daughter from the time she was a little girl that I would buy her wedding dress for her and going through those experiences that only a child can go through as an alcoholic mother she just knew I wasn't going to come through with that promise and three years ago she was getting married and I put half down on her dress and six months later the dress came in and she went in for her final fitting and you guys I know this may not seem like a big deal to you but women I know you know and maybe some of you are dads she went to go take the dress off and I went and paid for the rest of the dress and I was walking with the receipt to give it to her and she had her credit card out walking to go pay and I said oh no honey it's done she collapsed on her knees in the floor and started crying like a baby and she said mommy this woman is almost 30 years old mommy you meant it I kept the promise of the heart and this is a child who has just spoken to a dear friend of mine just a few weeks ago and they were talking about alcoholism and different things and she turned to this dear friend and she honestly from the bottom of her heart said I don't remember my mother drinking wow there was a time when I wanted justice for you mercy for me my daughters memory had been wiped clean the depth of forgiveness that that child has given me that I do not deserve she does not remember her mother drinking please stick around God has miracles designed just for you God bless you keep coming back