When I Drank, the Terror Ripped Out and the Higher Power Hole Healed Over — No Social Drinker Has Ever Described That – Ted H.

About This Speaker Tape

Ted H. from Los Angeles shares his story at the 41st Virginia Area Convention of AA in Arlington, Virginia on August 4, 1990, with 22 years of sobriety dating back to April 1, 1968. He delivers a masterfully hilarious and deeply honest account of his drinking career, beginning with a childhood filled with fear, mixed messages from parents, and an early discovery that alcohol dissolved the terror inside him. He describes the "god hole" and "ice cube with a million corners" that alcohol temporarily healed, allowing him to "step out easy" into a land he calls "someday I'll" where he could be anyone and go anywhere.

Ted recounts his wild years as a race car driver, ski patrol member, scuba diver, biplane pilot, and home builder in Southern California, all fueled by prodigious amounts of alcohol. His stories are outrageous and delivered with impeccable comic timing: filling scuba tanks with alcohol vapor, rigging windshield washer pumps with scotch, flying biplanes upside down over roller coasters, and falling out of his car door during two separate DUI stops years apart. Behind the comedy lies the unmistakable progression of alcoholism, from the four-martini lunch to the physical withdrawal tick that signaled when he needed a drink.

His account of attending his first AA meeting is a comedic set piece, portraying the gap between his desperate need and his inability to hear the message. He describes the old-timer who could only offer slogans like "don't drink no matter what" and "one day at a time," none of which could answer his real question: what would replace the one thing that let him live comfortably inside his own skin. He emphasizes that he had to drink for ten more years because nobody could tell him about the fellowship, the unconditional love and uncritical acceptance he eventually found in AA. Despite the relentless humor, Ted delivers a powerful message about the three kinds of people in life, the brass ring on the outside of the carousel, and AA as an outfit that allows alcoholics to live comfortably with unsolved problems without ever having to drink again.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Convention introduction by John, who describes wearing out a tape of Ted's talk and needing a replacement
• 4:30 Ted introduces himself, sober since April 1, 1968, opens with Al-Anon jokes including the RAND survey bit
• 9:00 Childhood terror: boogeyman under the bed, Rock-a-bye Baby, and learning to lie from parents who said tell the truth
• 14:00 First drink at 16, dry martinis at a birthday party, beginning of 23 lost years as a blackout drinker
• 19:00 Gold toilet blackout story and the involuntary flasher incident on Catalina Island
• 25:00 The god hole speech: describes what alcohol did that nothing else could, the land of someday I'll, and the sacrifice of all ethics and self
• 30:00 Race car crash at 17, broken back, hospital stay, hoarding sleeping pills, facing death four times
• 35:00 Three kinds of people: observers, critics, and shakers who ride the outside horse to grab the brass ring
• 42:00 Wild stories from ski patrol, scuba diving with alcohol vapor tanks, and flying biplanes upside down over Santa Monica pier
• 52:00 First AA meeting: Phoebe at the podium, the old-timer's slogans, and Ted's furious demand for what could replace alcohol