When I Drank, the Terror Ripped Out and the Higher Power Hole Healed Over — No Social Drinker Has Ever Described That – Ted H.

Today is Saturday, August the 4th, 1990. My name is John, and I'm an alcoholic. I invite you to listen to the 41st Virginia Area Convention of Alcoholics Anonymous. That's 50 golden years of AA at Arlington, Virginia. I thank you, and I hope you enjoy this tape. God, and by the grace of you people allowing me to come to Alcoholics Anonymous and be a member of this fellowship, I'm sober today. And I thank each and every one of you for allowing me to be a trusted servant here in this fellowship. Could we open the meeting with the serenity prayer, please, and a moment of silence for the still-suffering alcoholic in and out of the program. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen. Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. There are no dues or fees for AA membership. We are self-supporting through our own contributions. AA is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization, or institution, does not wish to engage in any controversy, neither endorses nor opposes any causes. Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety. A couple weeks ago, maybe a month or so ago, somebody came into my office, and laid this tape down on my desk, and said, this is a tape I dropped by, I thought you might want to listen to it. I thought, that's nice, don't too many people bring me tapes. I don't normally listen to tapes. And so I laid it on my desk for a few days, and I didn't pay a whole lot of attention to whose name was on it, or what it said, or anything. And, you know, I'm a good alcoholic, I do something, and then read directions. And so finally I carried this tape out to my car. One day I knew I was late getting off, and I thought, well, I'm going to be sitting in traffic, so I might as well have something to do. And I took this tape out, and put it in my car, and put it in the cassette player in the car, and I started to listen to it, and I thought, boy, this guy's good, I'd like to meet him someday, I like what he has to say. And I still didn't pay any attention to the note. And listened to the tape for a couple of days, and finally went back to my office and read the tape, read the note as to what it said, and it was our speaker tonight. I got so much out of the tape that I've worn it out. I hope the person that gave it to me, I don't know if Heather's here tonight or not, you can't have the tape back. The speaker has instructions tonight, Ted has instructions, that this has to be really good, so that I can buy a new tape to replace the one that I've already worn out. I want to warn you, especially the Al-Anons that are here, he's real hard on Al-Anons, so get ready. Another thing, the first thing I heard him say in the tape, he was at a podium talking, and he said, where's the big buck? Anybody got a big buck? And I said, where's the big buck? If there's a big buck out there, I need a big buck before I start here. So the first thing I said when I got here was, we've got to have a big buck at the podium. I like this man's thinking. So in case he has a problem reading, we have him a new large print edition of the big buck. I'm not going to take up any more of Ted's time. He's a wonderful speaker, and he's come here to share with us, and he shares, from the big buck, our program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And when I got here, I heard a lot of the basics. The old timers told me to take the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth and shut up and listen. And I'd been drunk for 17 years. And I didn't know anything about how to stay sober. Everybody here knew how to get drunk. And I like that kind of thinking. And I heard some of that hardcore big buck, AA thinking, when I listened to him. And with that, I'd like to give you Ted H. from California. My name's Ted Harbach, and I'm an alcoholic. And I'm alive and sober tonight by the very special grace of a loving God and the loving program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Because of that special grace and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous it has not been necessary for me to take a drink of alcohol or mind-altering chemicals since the date of my first meeting, my first real meeting, was April Fool's Day, which is a good day for me, of 1968. And for that, I'm eternally grateful. And, uh, well, it was kind of a different meeting here tonight and Ruth started something. So I think what I'd really like to do instead of talking is just go around the room and thank each one of you individually about 970 of you by name for asking me to be here tonight. Seriously, I'd like to thank the committee for being here tonight. They're a little different, too. The minute I arrived, they abandoned me. And, uh, I've been looking for an untreated Al-Anon ever since. I don't know why they get so upset. I do not pick on Al-Anons at all. I simply report on the intelligence that I've gleaned in the years that I've been around and then they get upset at me like I originated it. I understand that. I simply report facts. Like the RAND survey that found out that alcoholics have two or more distinct personalities and Al-Anons have one or less. No, because I was married to one for 18 years and then she recovered and I left. You know what happens when they start recovering. I mean, it's terrible. You've probably heard about the Al-Anons. Al-Anon came home from her first meeting the alcoholic comes in he's about half in the bag, right? Got a cigarette hanging out of the side of his mouth. I'm just a social smoker, by the way. She's standing there with her arms crossed. You know you're in deep bandini when that happens. She says, I've been to my first Al-Anon meeting and I have a sponsor. And she told me to come home and announce this to you. I'm not your mother and I'm not your maid. I'm not your slave and I'm not your cook. The alcoholic looks at her and he says, well, honey, in that case what the hell are you doing here? Not too long after that she hardened up a little. Got her brown belt. Gave him that last call to come home. John, come home. Your clothes are killing the grass. An alcoholic, the reason I know that is the first thing my mother said was my god, you see how much he drank? And that still continues today. I just changed brands. I can still get through a six pack of Coca-Cola as fast as I used to get through a six pack of Cutty Sark. I was born with all of the personal attributes to be a professional drinker. I had a resentment against the entire world, a chip on my shoulder, a big mouth and an insatiable thirst. And all anybody ever said to me for the next 23 years was, why do you drink so much? I don't know how 23 years got in there, that's not correct. I don't know how many years it was. It still goes on. And that's why I don't understand all this crap I hear today from the podiums of Alcoholics Anonymous particularly. But the president's wife still, if that isn't a laugh, just say no. Why? Because now she's going to solve the whole Columbian problem with just saying no, duh. The only time I ever said no thank you to a drink was when I misunderstood the question. Never occurred to me. Because from the very beginning it all tasted the same. It all tasted like more. And I was a pig right from the start. And I was puny and underdeveloped and weak and the original 97 pound weakling and all that. Mother was from the old school. She thought that if you looked like that and acted like that, why, probably something was wrong with your dietary intake and she thought that a little fortified port wine would help me out. And I got strutted early. I was one of these alcoholics that needed a drink long before I ever took my first drink. I don't know how kids survive if they grow up like I did. I was born in a rage and and I was a noisy outfit. And you know, so the first thing that happens is you're just brand new at home there and trying to get used to your surroundings and your father walks in and he says, listen, if you don't shut up, the boogeyman under the bed is going to eat you alive. That impressed me. And I got noisier. And then mom comes in, you know, and she's going to soothe me down with that first lullaby you hear. Say, rock-a-bye baby from the treetop. When the bough breaks, cradle and all. I'm upset by now. You know. So the two of them decide to lay the first serenity prayer on me. They come in, they get down on their knees and they start in. Now they lay me down to sleep. If I should die before I wake. Then the pukes leave and turn the light out. They've talked to me about dying. I've fallen out of my fern. I've got a man-eating ghost or animal underneath my bed and it's dark. And then they come in and lay logic on me. Well, son, there's nothing there that wasn't there when the light was on. All right, leave it on. Next day of my life. You know, and it just continues on all through your teen. I mean, God, how does anybody survive? You're too young to do that, son. You're too old to do that. Children are to be seen and not heard. Now play a solo on the saxophone. God. It's fine as long as you tell the truth. Who's that on the phone, son? It's Sam. Tell him I'm not home. Yeah, but you told me that... Never mind. That's a white lie. Oh, they come in color. I couldn't figure out what color the ones were to tell that were appropriate. It's maddening. And so you lay a little truth on them just as a test, sort of like a newcomer does when they first come in. I was in jail once. Oh, no problem. I was a hold-up artist. Murdered four people. And the newcomer gets the idea that he can pretty soon say pretty much anything and gonna impress us, you know. The first shot you fire at your parents in honesty are, you what? You're grounded until you're 40. You know. And so we learn to live in that insular life where we're absolutely immune from attack from anybody. Where were you last night? Nowhere. Who were you with? Nobody. What did you do? Nothing. Well, then why were you so late? I don't remember. You know, you stick with that, you're home free. And always the question was the same. Why do you drink so much? I don't know. Did I miss some? And my dad, he says, you're not an alcoholic. He went to the grave believing I wasn't an alcoholic. Why aren't you like me? I don't believe it. I said, I'm half like you, I'll take it. He says, you can't be an alcoholic. I said, well, how come you lock up the liquor cabinet every time I'm around? He says, well, if I don't, a curious physical manifestation takes place. It turns to water. So here I am, puny, undernourished, underdeveloped, skinniest kid in school. The oldest, too. I kept getting in accidents. Serious ones. Congratulations. I graduated from high school until I was around 20. Didn't they ask you to stand up and say something in class? I'd rather take an F than stand up in front of three of you. It's because of Alcoholics Anonymous that I'm able to stand up before a podium like this. And that's an absolute miracle. Because my public speaking career started in Alcoholics Anonymous. But I didn't want that to start either. I went to that damn Beverly Hills stag, man. That's tough. This old puke kept calling on me, Eddie Boland, 37 years sober. He'd stand up there and he wore suspenders and pitch his pants up. My name's Eddie Boland and I'm an all-time winner. I bought this AA deal on a lifetime basis. Ted, get up here and talk. Screw you, I pass. Six months have passed and I'm messing. And he said, Ted, if you don't stand up you can just pass out the door. Don't get hit in the ass on your way out. It swings both ways. This is a deal for people that want it not the people that need it. I thought, well you old puke. So I stood up and swore at him for three minutes because that's all they allowed you. I had a big vocabulary I didn't repeat myself either. And all those dummies just clapped and applauded and laughed. I thought, I'm home. Jesus. They haven't been able to get me down since. But I didn't know about all that. See, nobody told me about you. Nobody told me about you. All I know is that I went to a little birthday party when I was around 16 years old and this guy's mom served dry martinis. That's when I found out my mother lied to me. She'd tell me martinis and I'd tell you I had a love affair with those juniper berries that started right that day. I don't know what happened. All I did was sit down and have a few intimate martinis with a couple of close friends and when I got up from the table 23 years had gone by. I didn't intend for that to happen. See, I was a blackout drinker so most of my story is hearsay. You know what a blackout drinker is? He's locked outside the glass sliding doors of his own house. He's banging on the door and making funny faces and loud noises and all kinds of obnoxious gestures and finally some al-anon looks down and says, listen you drunk, why don't you get out from under the glass top table? Blackouts were embarrassing because things were recalled to you involuntarily. Like I remembered one night that I got on and had an absolutely fabulous time. I went to this bar and the baby dolls had all turned into into movie stars before 2 a.m. and the bartenders served triples without being asked and god they had the greatest orchestra there and it was just absolutely fantastic. And all I could remember when I woke up or came to in fact that was the only question in the 20 questions that I missed it says, does drinking interfere with your sleeping? I put, no. I fixed that. My sponsor said, passed out is not sleeping. A little coaching and I got 100%. All I could remember was this bar had azure blue wallpaper on the back bar and they had gold toilets, glass plates. So I began going on this little safari every night to try and find this bar and locate it again and finally a couple of weeks later I walked into this bar and there was this azure blue wallpaper and the music was terrific and to make sure I turned to the bartender and I said, listen I think I really had a wonderful time in here a couple of weeks ago tell me, just to make sure do you have gold toilets? He yelled at the top of his lungs across the entire bar there and he says to the band leader George, we found the guy that peed in your tuba and this embarrassing stuff just kept happening. One night I woke up and we were in Catalina and we'd been partying and my fiance had left me and what was more important than that she'd taken my bottle and so I had to go find that you know how that is so I banged on the door next door and there's multicolored motel room doors they don't understand alcoholics get color blind and I banged on this door and this guy answered the door and he said, can I help you? A real gentleman. And he said, well I can certainly understand that but before you continue much further there's a couple of things I should bring to your attention that may have escaped your attention I said, indeed sir and what might that be? He said, well first of all it's 3.30 in the morning and secondly, you're stark naked became the first involuntary flasher on Catalina Island and people just kept saying you know, you should quit drinking Why? See when I drank alcohol something happened to me that never have I heard described by a social drinker in fact, I don't believe social drinkers ought to be allowed to drink Now you think you're hearing junk from these podiums now just wait in California they have reduced the legal limit for drunk driving from .1% alcohol blood alcohol content to .08 and the courts are now going to be sentencing social drinkers to AA you imagine one of these fools standing at the podium well, I had half a glass of wine and my whole life became unmanaged and I just turned myself in to ANA and this is my first meeting and I am never going to drink again and they won't I had a secretary for years that made me crazy and we'd go to lunch and she'd order a glass of wine and I'd sit there and look at it and it'd be half empty never half full and the alcoholic's glass is either all the way full or all the way empty I'd say for God's sake why don't you drink the rest of it it's evaporating it's making me crazy she said oh my dear if I did I might get dizzy I said no problem I'll tell you what we'll do we'll put 20 ounces of fortified port in there and you dizzy to fun they are ridiculous and then once in a while they have a little slippy poo and overshoot the mark and then they go out and drive and give us a bad name just like those two pilots that they're prosecuting one of them said he had what 16 rum and cokes before he got behind the throttle my kind of pilot be the fastest landing you ever saw get relaxed what the hell's the difference I don't want one of those nervous social drinkers up there where's the airport right there straight ahead cover one eye and go for it screw the ILS aim for the white line and the rabbit got those flashing white lights that run up and down the center just nail it keep the throttle full bore in case we get a little wind shear all the way through the fire wall that's the way you do everything all I know when I drank alcohol something happened I've never heard described by one of these people all of a sudden all the terror was ripped out and that god hole with that wind whistling through it kind of healed over and that ice cube with a million corners on it and that cloud of impending doom over my head began to dissipate and all of a sudden I was as good as and I measured up to and I was a part of and I moved over into a land that I call the land of someday I'll someday I'll get it together someday I'll make that big deal but over there in that land of someday I'll I could do the one thing I'd wanted to do all my life I could just step out easy I could just step out easy and I could go anywhere I wanted to go and be anybody I wanted to be and do anything I wanted to do the only problem in that land of someday I'll is that I had to figure out who you wanted me to be so I'd be part of the deal and how you wanted me to act so you wouldn't throw me away and what I had to say so I'd fit in and we end up spending all of those years in that chameleon like people pleasing attitude living my life for your expectations real or imagined and over in that land of someday I'll the sacrifice began the sacrifice of all ethic, all dignity all truth all sense of God all sense of self but over there it was worth it I could just step all I ever wanted to do and nobody told me about you and I had to run out my string at 16 years of age I had a race car on the track behind a Ford's birth certificate at 17 I cracked one up and rolled the car put it into a wall and broke my back spent the next year on a Bradford frame in a hospital and I was told I'd never walk again as long as I lived and that was the sixth time pardon me that was the fourth time that I faced death and my life sat down right across the table from like I'm talking to you tonight because death holds no fear not for an alcoholic like me if you're an alcoholic like me well I don't want to compliment you see there's three kinds of people in this world my little daughter always used to ask me she said daddy why do you make me ride the big horse on the outside of the carousel and I said she said it's so scary I said for one reason honey that's the only place you ever have a chance to grab the brass ring and that's where you people are see there's three kinds of people in life they're the observers of life they sit on the inside of the mirror go around where the mirrors are and watch life go by they're at home tonight watching television once again watching other people getting the goodies watching other people do the things they want to do and then they're the observers of life and they're outside the carousel looking in they're the critics of life they're in the bars tonight telling everybody how they do it if they can ever get out of that land of someday I'll and then there are the people that are the shakers and movers the ones that live on the edge and that's who you people are so you're the ones that have admitted that that life is just not working out too zippy for you and that maybe you should do something about it and so you've joined an outfit that gets things done see that allows us to live our life comfortably with unsolved problems without ever having to drink again as long as we live and I compliment you and I compliment you further because in my travels around the United States and Canada I have found you people of Alcoholics Anonymous to be the most generous, loving unselfish people that have ever walked the face of the earth and I love you from the bottom of my heart because you people demonstrate two things that I have never found anywhere else in this world you people demonstrate actively unconditional love with uncritical acceptance and that I firmly believe is true will what greater thing can a human being do in this life than to dedicate their life what greater thing can a human being do in this life than to dedicate their life to helping others this is the admonition that we take in part in Alcoholics Anonymous and I did not know that in the years after I cracked up that car I walked into my doctor's office with a broken thumb and he said how'd you break it and I said I fell down he said how'd you fall down and I said in a downhill race at 87 miles an hour and he fainted he was the doctor who told me that I'd never walk again and when they let me out of the hospital I had enough sleeping pills saved up to kill everybody in this room twice because I believed in doing something right because I'd made the decision many times in my life and quality has always won out as it would have in sobriety as it would have in sobriety because quantity in my opinion is meaningless without quality and many of the people that I sponsor today are far more sober by definition in one year than I was in ten because I had to struggle a long long time because nobody told me about you and I had to run out in a string because nobody told me about you I remember the Mount Baldy ski patrol in California one of the most dangerous mountains in the world as far as I'm concerned used to kill six people a year a social drink as usual we put up a rope boat barricade at the top of the mountain right down from the top of the lift there to keep from flying off the edge they flew off the edge you'd get a free fall into Victorville of about a thousand feet all you'd ever hear them say is something like Oops alcoholic copped anything like that. One of them fly over the edge, he just looked back over his flaming white scarf there. Downhill race, go for it. We don't really give a damn what happens as long as it looks good. I was the only member of the ski patrol that wasn't thrown off for drinking. They thought I came that way. Heroic. See, I learned years ago the difference between a hero and a coward. It's booze. And then a drinking man's ski pole. And I want to tell you, each one will hold a pint. And with a pint of 157 proof Ron Rico Purple Label Rum in each ski pole, you are not afraid of anything. The only people who were terrified of us were the people we were bringing down in toboggans. Hang on. We're in a hurry. You don't even use the ice breaks in the icebreaker. The forks in the front. You just fold those back, grab the nose of the toboggan by both hands, and just hit it. How you doing back there? They're in a state of catatonic coma. That's good. Come. Blinded alcoholic helped do the first article on scuba diving in 1948 in California, and he hadn't even invented scuba gear yet. We were making our own out of high-altitude bomber breathers and modified. The first thing we found out was that scuba divers could dive under the ocean. And it was absolutely terrifying under the ocean. I don't know if any of you have been down there. They've got animals they count on. They've got one thing called spider crab that's worse than my former mother-in-law. But we found out how to dive and be heroic, too. You just put a dish of pure grain alcohol right in front of the intake manifold of the compressor and bubbly air through it. That way you can fill a tank with 50% alcohol vapor under 2,000 pounds per square inch pressure. You didn't put your mouthpiece in your face and stand right out on the deck of the ship and get euphoria of the deep. Then you get down there about 100 feet, one of those big Jewfish or a grouper comes up and they've got a great big perennial smile. Hi, fellow. Here, have a little blast of this. Have another one. Go walk. You got gills by that anyway. Blinded alcoholic learned how to fly airplanes drunk. They didn't know that. I used to fly biplanes off at the Santa Monica airport. It was called Clover. We always had to check the fabric on them. The reason we checked the fabric is we were changing the numbers on the top of the wing with athletic tape. Then we'd take off the runway. In those days, they had Ocean Park Pier with a big roller coaster out there. Right at the end of the runway, you'd just roll her over on her back and go right over the top of that roller coaster where there's a big sign that says, don't stand up. That was when the people really understood why. He didn't know why. Just slide right there in a big slip and head for Surfer's Beach in Malibu, four feet off the deck, upside down. You've never seen 50 surfers wipe out on one wave. Here they come, Jesus, under the boards. Buying that alcohol, I became one of the first subdivisers, the youngest subdivisers in Southern California. At the age of 24, I was building over 200 houses a year. Already, I was up to the four and five martini lunch. I remember my partner used to say, my God, how can you drink those alcohols? I said, I don't drink them. I don't drink them. He said, I don't drink those things at lunch. If I drank half of one, I'd just go to sleep. You know what I said to him? A fellow like you just shouldn't drink. See, you know, already I was up to that point where I was getting physical withdrawal from alcohol, and I developed this physical tick that notified me when lunch was coming. You know, be ready to sign something and the pen would fly out of my hand. It was lunchtime. And I knew if I didn't go to lunch now, that I'd fly across the country. And I knew if I didn't go to lunch now, that I'd fly across the country. And I knew if I didn't go to lunch now, that I'd fly across the country. And I knew if I didn't go to lunch now, that I'd fly across the country. And I knew if I didn't go to lunch now, that I'd fly across the country. And I knew if I didn't go to lunch now, that I'd fly across the country. And I knew if I didn't go to lunch now, that I'd fly across the country. And I knew if I didn't go to lunch now, that I'd fly across the country. And I knew if I didn't go to lunch now, that I'd fly across the country. And I knew if I didn't go to lunch now, that I'd fly across the country. And I knew if I didn't go to lunch now, that I'd fly across the country. And I knew if I didn't go to lunch now, that I'd fly across the country. And I knew if I didn't go to lunch now, that I'd fly across the country. And I knew if The scenario for the day starts, you know, and you get into this padded sewer. You've been coming in there for years, but the bartender's got to be cool. So he says, what do you have? And you look at your watch. The alcoholic watch has only one hand. Well, I've got time for one drink, and make it a double, and put an old-fashioned glass, leave out the ice, and no onion. That way you know you're going to have about three-eighths of an inch of freeboard, so you don't drown this brain surgeon next to you. He's getting ready for an operation. His scalpel keeps flying across him. Five percent of the brain surgeons are alcoholics, you know. So he brings you that drink, and through an ingenious system of geometric levers, the way you crank it into your face, and you say your first three prayers of the day, God, I hope it stays down. God, I hope it works. God, I wish he'd get back. I don't know why they're so interminably slow. Somebody. Something like a millennium passes, and he returns, and he, this cocky way, says, Oh, do you have time for another? You look at your watch. The hand hasn't moved. Say, yes, I have time for another one. Make it a triple, and put some speed on. Fast, not pills. I never got into drugs much. I tried marijuana once, and my drink looked so far away, it terrified me. Took a great big drag off that son of a bitch, and the prescribed passion, and my drink just moved ten miles. Where is it going? My God. Who needs that crap? You get that second one down, and then a curious thing happens, and the God hole begins to heal up, and the ice cube begins to melt, and then you look at that perfectly synchronized reflection of yourself in the back bar mirror. Hot clitties. How are you doing? You look down at this brain surgeon and say, What kind of day are you having, craphead? And all of life comes together, and it's smooth, and it's round, and it's soft, and it's my pineapple, and I can go anywhere one more time. And I can just step out easy. Life's getting unmanageable. And so I go to an A&A meeting. Just to get a handle on it, because I'm a researcher. You know, I don't know, most people that I talk to, their first meeting seems to be the same. There's some universal broad that's going around speaking at everybody's first meeting. She's the original anorexic, you know. First of all, I go in there, and it's obviously Losers Anonymous. And Mr. and Mrs. Grimhouse are the leaders. And you're all lined up around the room with your heads in your hands, because life is over, folks. Nobody's paid the damn light bill. And Phoebe's standing up there. Phoebe has false teeth. I didn't know she was there for a long time. She's turned sideways. Finally, she turns around. I thought, my God in heaven, that'd be like making love to a baby. Gunny sack full of antlers. And then these false teeth start to clack, you know. I thought, God, if these people are happy, I wish somebody would notify their faces. And then she begins those magic words. If you want what we have. God, and you're all old. Some of you are 40. And I think, geez, honey, if you've got anything, hang on to us. What's a stepper like me? Doing in a dead-end outfit like this? And then one of those smarmy old-timers gets in your face. And he's fat. He's got false teeth. And I just ask him an academic question, and I expect an intelligent answer. And what's he give me? A whole mouthful of crap. I said, let me ask you something, old man. What is this deal all about called ANA? And they start this finger in your chest. Well, sonny. I'm thinking you're in trouble now, fat man. What it's all about is you just don't drink. Now, there's some news. That's why they're so happy. Yes, she says, you just don't drink, no matter what. Even if your ass falls off. I said, wait a minute, you old... Fool. First of all, you don't even know what an alcoholic of my caliber is like. I said, an alcoholic drinks, no matter what. Usually, if you're an academic planner like I am, approximately two weeks before your ass falls off. Because I don't want to be embarrassed. You imagine stroking down the street, some Al-Anon says, Hey, Ted, your ass just fell off. Bring it along, fool. I might want to sit on it a little. So, what kind of thing is this? No matter what. He said, well, you have to remember, it's the first drink that gets you drunk. Hey, listen, I want to know what you drink. That's what I want to know. But I know exactly what drink it is that gets me drunk. It's the second to the last one. So, I want to know. Well, he says, you just put the plug in the jug. Yeah. Oh, give me a break. I thought the cork was just to keep it from spilling until you got it to the car. Well, he says, you have to think the whole drink through. What? I never thought a whole drink through in my life. Are you kidding? A whole case? Maybe two weeks? A few magnums or two? I never thought. If I thought there was one drink in a joint, I wouldn't even go in there. What are you talking about? Well, he says, when the animal wakes up, and the madness starts, call me. Yeah, right. I'm into fat old men. I'm going to call you. What kind of proposition is that? I'm going to call a broad. Are you kidding? He says, well, you have to remember it's one day at a time. I said, yeah, and you're close to reaching your last one. What do you mean, one day at a... Well, we just do it. One day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a time. It's not doing it on the edge like I do, you fool. And maybe one nanosecond at a time. Are you kidding? He says, well, it's easy, does it? I said, that's the end of the conversation. Easy never did nothing. Well, he says, it's live and let live. I said, you get that goddamn finger out of my face, or your life's over, pal. I said, tell me this, old man. I said, if you take away the... If you take away the alcohol, what are you going to give me that'll heal up the god hole in here? If you take away the alcohol, what are you going to give me that's going to melt the ice cube and dissipate the cloud of impending doom? If you take away the alcohol, what are you going to give me that'll rip out the terror? What are you going to give me, old man, that'll make me feel as good as a part of... Shut that allopunk up. Give him a drink. Nobody's ever too young. I was right at the most dramatic part of my talk. Probably had an aura around me at that point. My daughter used to do that. I'd be right in the middle of the talk, and I'd be in this dramatic pause, you know, and she'd streak across the back of the room, and she'd see I wasn't saying anything, and she'd scream out, Daddy, tell them about me and allopunks. My daughter hasn't had a drink for 18 years. It's no big deal. She's only 18. I said, tell me, old man, if you take away the alcohol, what are you going to give me that'll allow me to do the one thing I wanted to do all my life? What are you going to give me? And he couldn't tell me about you. And he couldn't tell me about... He couldn't tell me about Alcoholics Anonymous. All he could tell me was a bunch of... damn crap that just wasn't going to do it. Not for a player like me. See, I'm a traitor. If I give you something, you better, by God, have something to give me or there isn't going to be any deal. There isn't going to be any deal. Sure as hell there isn't going to be any deal called Alcoholics Anonymous. Don't drink, indeed. I've got to live, old man. The only way that I can live comfortable with me inside here where I live, is with a blood alcohol content sufficient enough to allow me to step out easy. And I had to run my string out, and I had ten more years of drinking to do. Ten more years. Because he couldn't tell me about you. Along the way, all of those things happened that happened to an alcoholic. I didn't have much trouble with alcohol on the outside. I only got two drunk driving arrests, and then both of those were just bad breaks. Some of you had bad breaks, too. Well, the first one happened when I ran away from home to get married when I was about 30. And some friends of mine gave me a beautiful stag party on a yacht down Newport Beach, and they were drinking my favorite thing that day, booze. It overshot the mark, because I always overshot the mark, but I learned how to drive prudently while drunk, and I think that if people get arrested with bottles in the car, that's tacky. I had learned how to drink while driving from a real professional. We were on our way to Mammoth one, and I'd forgotten to bring my drinking and driving and passenger bottle, and my booze was up on top of the car in the ski poles. And so I turned to him, and I said, You got anything to drink? I said, I'm a little nervous here. We're going 108 miles an hour. I never went that fast unless I was smashed, because that's when you're in control. And he said, Sure. And he handed me his hose out from under the dashboard. And I said, What the hell is that? I wanted a drink, not an enema. And he said, Well, I'll just put that in. And I said, Well, I'll just put that in. And he said, Well, I'll just put that in. And I said, Well, I'll just put that in. And he said, Well, I'll just put that in. And he said, Well, I'll just put that little pipe in your mouth and pull the windshield washer knob. He had this great huge container in front of the radiator where it would stay nice and cool, all filled with scotch, hooked up to the windshield washer pump. And we used to stop in Mojave and refuel and take on a little gas, too. And when these cops stop you for a sobriety test, it's such a joke. I mean, they've taken all the fun and competitiveness out of it now with better law enforcement through chemistry. for god's sake back in those days it was bad formed even radio ahead if they couldn't catch you get into the next county you were home free and that's all changed i mean they got helicopters and all kinds of things it's just they they're cowards but they are our cars were always faster because i was building race cars in the time i was 14 years old if you can imagine driving all the way to mammoth which is a two-fifth drive anyway you cut it tomorrow you arrive in the parking lot at six o'clock in the morning you're goddamn smashed you fall out of prostate in the parking lot because you're too drunk to walk but there's usually an untreated al-anon lurking in a snowbank have you noticed how they lurk it's part of their form and and she springs out of the snowbank and clasps you to her large warm bosom and takes you into the warming up but to get tuned up for the day on half a gallon of grenache rosé and at about nine in the morning you find yourself at the top of this bloody mountain some fools and nailed a number to your chest you're entered in a downhill race with that kind of handicap if you can clear the gates without wiping out all the spectators and the timers i want to tell you a field sobriety test a piece of cake i've cast hundreds of them and and i learned how to be a prudent driver and i was driving i was busy in those days i was building all these damn houses and i was driving a little uh 57 thunderbird that was permanently converted and uh well somebody said it was stuffy in the car and i just undid the clips the fact that we're doing 102 miles an hour and press me man do those convertibles go down in a hurry and pop i had a hard top hanging in the garage so it didn't make any difference anyway but i had a telephone in the car a two-way radio or something in a dictograph the dictapod and i had to get my secretary to keep around her toes you know and then you smoke you got to get rid of the damned ashes and you've got this pipe hanging out of your mouth and you got to keep one eye covered so you know it's laying as yours and you you got to watch the rear view mirror but you're busy and so i developed this technique of driving which uh which took care of it all i just leaned on the door jamb like this and that way while the cigarette ashes kind of drew away and it was like well the pipe is not working and uh and you're driving into the garage you have to look in the mirror right and you have to go between the mirrors right there and tuck the phone underneath your ear there in case you get an important call you know and and then you got that hose hanging out of the other side of your mouth in case you need a bracer every now and then the only thing you have to be constantly aware of is you have to continue to remember that your lane is the one on the bottom so i'm driving along the center and i'm free way back from the stag party of the freeway minding my own business there in the dirt and uh going about five miles an hour prudent and the police stopped me and i just looked up at him like this why'd you stop me officer i had a great sense of humor he said well we don't allow people to make movies on the freeway and we figured you were filming a rerun a wagon train where the bad break comes in right at that point the son of a bitch opened the door that fell out the only time i ever recalled saying anything as inane as oops then he looked down imperiously and he said you're not kidding i was never so grateful in my life as i was the next morning that bars opened at six i was really nervous same thing him seven years later australian which is tacky enough i've been to a party i remember i left the party at two o'clock in the morning and i had to drive very fast to get home before i passed out i'd been driving for a hundred mile 100 miles an hour for an hour when the police stopped me and i figured i was fairly close to home it's only seven miles and so when the police stopped me and i looked up the officer again i said look officer give me a little break i'm only a couple of blocks from home and he said well where do you live i said well i don't know you have my driver's license they always ask you these trick questions he says well it says here that you live in beverly hills and i said nothing gets by you and he said well you're in glendale how can you drive for 100 miles an hour for an hour in glendale steel still be in glendale it's not that large then he opened the door i fell out again you know it just went on and on like that you know and i'd have lunch and then i'd have to rush back to the office and work like crazy because the cocktail hour was coming you know got to get back over in that padded sewer where the baby dolls and the big deals are and drink until the traffic clears 10 o'clock and you drink four drinks an hour for five hours that's 20 drinks and now your blood alcohol contents up there around merge gotta jump in your car and drive home but you got to drive home prudently because you know you're loaded and on the way home you got to stop and pick up a bottle of cuddy sark in case just in case guests stop by and you got to be very careful because by now i'm driving an alcoholic car you you recognize them they're long and thin mine got that way from parking in narrow garages at high speeds they have all these other character defects you know like the license plate hanging by one and the last year's registration the light and the exhaust is dragging on the ground which is kind of fun on the fourth of july but need to wire those up with a wire coat hanger and the ones i dearly love are the ones that have red cellophane for tail lights now you got red backup lights you can't tell if those mothers are coming or gone and then they have these whiskey bumps all over them mine were particularly on top and i discovered later that that came from trying to open it when the keys were locked inside mine had a serious character defect the left headlight looked straight down like which is really neat because that way i could see the yellow line better when it got foggy every night about 10. just as the traffic was clearing this cop stopped me and cops are the masters of understatement if you ever notice that he comes up the door and he says your light your headlight is out of focus are you kidding it's shining on his foot and then we make a terrible error when we respond to these stupid questions because we ask we answer them in a diphthong that starts with wh and we say something really stupid like what headlight and then we wonder at the keen intuitive nature of an officer that's going to be able to tell you that you've been drinking he's enveloped in this cloud of alcohol vapor you know he staggers back and then he asks the next really stupid question have you been drinking and we don't get the message we answer with another another wh who me yeah and they already know the answer for god's sake they get it in police school so they can get their beds two beers is the answer right i asked the cop the other night stopped me i blew a stop signal and he and he started the whole thing he said do you know why i stopped here i said yeah i'd probably give me a prudent driver award he says have you been drinking so now i shoot up a little heroin now and then drop a few loads smoke a few joints and do a line of coke every now and then but drink hell no never never touch them touching stuff for 22 years for christ's sake he's just shaking his head man he says well can i see your license i said sure it's expired i just cannot address myself to the tyranny of trivia you know i got two insurance policies right behind the license though because i take care of important stuff renew the license screw it i mean really he looks at that he says can i see the license screw it i say i don't know but he says he has a car and i'll pay it i said no i'll pay it for the registration i said it's expired he says this car hadn't been registered for 10 years i said i know it's a classic i just got it running he's shaking his head he says where do you live i said i don't know i said i just moved to riverside to do this construction job i live somewhere off the 215 freeway in central he says is this where you live on your business said, let me ask you something. I said, have you ever really gotten a definitive answer from that question that you've been drinking? I mean, has somebody ever really told you the truth, like, damn right, officer, I just polished off a six-pack of Cutty Sark and I'm not done. On my way to a bar to get done. God, he's laughing hysterically. He says, here, go take care of this crap. I can't. He probably thought if he gives this guy a ticket, he's going to go kill himself. So this cop that stopped me for this stupid headlight, he gets this look on his face like the conquering gladiator, and he says, I'm going to give you a sobriety test. God, I was so excited. I opened the door so hard that when he stopped me the next night, I thought it was a different cop. He's talking in his high falsetto voice. Loved sobriety tests. By the time I got through with him, a little vein on his forehead was just jumping in and out. Then you get home and you open the bottle and have a little nightcap there, 20 ounces. Turn the radio on, listen to that. Put the record player on, listen to your favorite artist, you know, Ray Charles and those tunes filled with hope.