“Well, I Bet You Were in the Moment” — My Sponsor After I Was Chased by Rottweilers – Don L.

I'm Don. I'm an alcoholic. Like they say in AA, Jack, never let the truth get in the way of a good story, huh? And I do want to thank Jack and Perry for picking me up at the airport and Rick for taking such good care of me in the months leading up to here, letting me. And, you know, you don't know what you're walking into in Alcoholics Anonymous when you're invited. You just say yes. And there seemed to be something very important about the beef that was going to be served. I don't know about the beef. But beef, oh, did I tell you we're having beef? Yeah, you told me, Rick, we're having beef. I got it. Six times, buddy. We got beef in the States, I swear to God. Oh, you don't have beef like this. I'm telling you, you don't have beef like this. You know what? Rick, you're right. And I want to thank the guys who cooked tonight. That was unbelievable. Of course, the real problem is I ate so much, I don't think I've ever given a talk with this much blood in my stomach rather than my head. Usually I have a little adrenaline going. I'm a little nervous. I'm just sleepy. But I'm absolutely delighted to be here with the Mystic Knights of Sobriety. And if you don't like that name, I don't know what to tell you, because that's the best name of a group I've ever heard of in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I've heard some good ones. That is a great name. And I love Alcoholics Anonymous, and now the Mystic Knights have fed me beef, so now I love the Mystic Knights. Because I didn't get this big by accident. And my time. My time is short. My wind is long. And so I'm just going to tell you in a general way tonight what I was like and what happened to me and what I'm like today, hopefully. And I'm going to speak for about an hour, because if there's any watch watchers in here, I know I'm a watch watcher. I want to know when the guy's going to stop. And no life saved after 920, so I'll be done before then. So you can feel free to throw stuff at me. Tap on your watch if I get close. It doesn't hurt my feelings at all. I'll just keep talking. That's okay. And just a minor correction. On the ticket I saw it said, Donnell from Seattle, Washington. I'm not from Seattle. I'm from Bellingham, Washington. We are closer to Vancouver, Canada, than we are to Seattle. We're about 20 minutes from the Canadian border. And in Bellingham, we like to say that if Canada ever makes their big move, we're our first line of defense against you. But, of course, Bellingham's a college town, and it's just a bunch of dope smokers, so you won't have any problem getting through us. What's with all the aggression, dude? But my wife, Eileen, who's a good member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I moved to the Bellingham area about six years ago from Los Angeles. So we kind of look at Seattle like L.A. with bad weather. So we don't go down to Seattle much, but we absolutely adore living in the Pacific Northwest and living in Bellingham. And that's the wonderful thing about Alcoholics Anonymous. We left a big AA community behind. Huge. We had experiences of love and support and recovery, and it was very scary to step out and to make that big move. And what we found was a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous at our destination. And we're so fortunate, I think, in what I like to call modern AA, that we can go anywhere on the planet just about and find an AA meeting and find another alcoholic to have that experience of identification with. And it wasn't like this when this thing started. And we're very fortunate that we have that today. And I like... I certainly wasn't going to end up in front of the Mystic Knights either on a Wednesday night. That wasn't my plan when I started drinking. I don't know if I was born alcoholic when I was new in Alcoholics Anonymous. I'll get this out of the way. My sobriety date is 9-16-91, so I'll be 19 years sober in September. I have a sponsor. He's Dave P. He has a sponsor. I have a home group. It's the SOS Men's Group, the second best name of a men's group in Alcoholics Anonymous. And we meet on Wednesday nights. They are meeting as we speak in the Fairhaven District of Bellingham at 7 o'clock at St. James Church. And I always say that, so if you're ever in Bellingham, we hope, guys, you'll come see us. We'll make you feel very welcome. And those are very important things in my life, a sobriety date, a sponsor, and a home group. And they have served me well. I've had those things in place pretty much from the beginning in Alcoholics Anonymous, and I'm very grateful for those things. And I don't know if I was born alcoholic. I know that this is all in hindsight. And having read the book... And getting comfortable with the literature, I certainly had the alcoholic tendencies. You know, because the thing about my alcoholism, you see, I thought I had a drinking problem. I really did. And so did everyone around me. And the problem was, for a guy like me, is for years before I actually tried to quit drinking, people have been talking to me about my drinking, well-meaning people. And we've all had them in our life, the well-meaning people. And the well-meaning people are family members and husbands and wives and employers and the district attorneys and the rest of the people. And they're all just protesting officers. Doctors that are stitching this up. And we don't feel the needle and they think, that's unusual. And... No, doctor, no, nothing for me. I prescribe for myself. Just you go ahead and stitch. You should really feel this. But I don't. Isn't it great? And they certainly talked to me about my drinking. And they convinced me over years. So when I had what our big book refers to as self-knowledge, and what self-knowledge is, is not your mommy or your daddy or your husband or your wife. It's not your wife. Or the arresting officer or the judge telling you you've got a problem with your drinking. It's in the quiet of your room at night. In your soul. And you know that the drinking's torn your life apart. And you've got to do something about it. And you admit for the first time you've got a problem. And you think, God, they were right. They've been talking to me for so long about this drinking thing. And they're right. I've got to do something about it. And I thought that all I'd have to do is quit drinking and everything would be fine. And I didn't understand that the worst part of my disease, my alcoholism, which I thought was a drinking problem, really starts to rear its ugly head when I stop drinking. I didn't understand that for the real alcoholic, the consumption of alcohol is a treatment for alcoholism. It reduces the greater aspect of our disease. That when I'm drunk, oh sure, it'll kill me eventually. And it'll take every good thing out of my life. And it'll wring out any good that I've ever had. And anybody around me is going to pay that price just because they have the misfortune of loving a guy like me. But that's nothing compared to what happens between my ears when I stop drinking. And I thought I had a drinking problem. And I've known people that had drinking problems, you know. And they got married and they had a kid. And they said crazy things like, well, I'm married now. I have a kid. I'm not going to drink anymore. And they didn't come to AA. They just quit drinking. And they were happy. It was astounding. The first time I made the alcoholic declaration, I'm quitting drinking so don't try to tempt me. The first time I had that self-knowledge and I quit drinking, I went absolutely stark raving mad sober. And I was confused and I was baffled. Because for years, people have been talking to me about my drinking. And they had convinced me if only I could put the drink down, I'd have this great life waiting for me. I'd be a terrific guy. So somebody needed to explain to me why I wanted to kill myself or kill someone else. And I had no idea what I suffered from. You see, I thought I had a drinking problem and I really suffered from alcoholism. So the things that I bring to the game of life naturally, my instincts, my intellect, my emotions, things that might serve me very well in other areas of my life, will kill me dead where alcoholism is concerned. They're absolutely worthless. If I think I can drink my way or think my way out of alcoholism, it's not going to happen. If I think I feel just right, if I have the right attitude about taking out my alcoholism, I'm going to die drunk. Absolutely no power there. And because I didn't understand what I suffered from, and because I didn't go to Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't get a sponsor, I didn't work your steps, so I couldn't have read your book, I couldn't have got to the part that said, for the real alcoholic, he will absolutely be unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge, I couldn't stop drinking. Because I thought making the declaration would be all it took. And so after two short weeks of my own program of recovery, when I picked up that drink, I thought I was picking it up to reward myself because I had been good. And if you're an alcoholic, you understand that. Let's see, I haven't drank in a couple of weeks, that's pretty good for a guy like me. I think I'll reward myself with the very thing that's been burning my life to the ground. It makes perfect sense. And when I drink after a short period of recovery, whether it's two weeks, two minutes, or two months, it doesn't matter for a guy like me. I am not drinking to crash the car, lose a job, break a heart, skin a knuckle, break another promise. That's not why I drink. And I used to think I was drinking to get the edge off. You know? I was thinking I was drinking to reward myself and I was going to be careful this time and I wasn't going to go hang out with those guys and I wasn't going to go back to that bar where I got in that trouble. I had the rules and regulations imposed on my drinking. It was going to be different this time. But what I found out in Alcoholics Anonymous is the reason I picked up a drink again simply was I wasn't enjoying my recovery. My own recovery. And that can happen to us in Alcoholics Anonymous. We can be going to meetings every day. We can have a sponsor. We can say all the right things. It doesn't take long to master the language around here. First things first. Easy does it. One day at a time. Let go, let God. How you doing today, Dawn? I'm expecting a miracle. And we can die right here in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. Bill Wilson knew that. Bill Wilson talks about the guy who quits drinking and doesn't do anything else except stops physically ingesting alcohol. Doesn't work any steps. Doesn't do any service to anybody else. Doesn't get involved. Doesn't have a spiritual awakening. Just quits drinking. And he does what I do when I quit drinking without Alcoholics Anonymous. He sounds like this. Don't miss it at all. Working better. Feel better. Exercising again. Don't know what that was all about. And Bill wrote in the book, as ex-problem drinkers, we laugh at such a Sally. We know inwardly our man would do anything to take a half a dozen drinks in succession. And that's what I was. I was the guy that quit drinking on my own and watched my friends drink. Isn't that fun? Remember that? You don't change your playmates at the playgrounds, go to that same old drinking party. You go, no, man, I'm fine. Club soda, baby. Yeah. Inside your head screaming, I want a beer. I want to kill them all. So I was very confused about alcoholism to say the least. I was bringing a knife to a gunfight and it didn't work. I spent six years out there after I had that self-knowledge. It happened when I was 25 years old. I didn't make it to the program until I was 31. I never want to forget the last six years of my drinking. They weren't the fun part. The fun part is that part that sneaks into my room late at night, whispers lies to me in my own voice in my own head and tells me how good it used to be. Because it wasn't all bad. You know, it's funny, that voice that wants to kill me, the voice of my alcoholism, doesn't naturally talk to me about that last six years of drinking. I have to go to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and experience the gift of identifications where one of you is proud enough and honest enough to tell the truth about what it was really like for you out there. And when you talk about how it was so salty and how it made you feel and how you were hopeless, helpless and hapless and you talk about the things you did and where you went, I identify with you and it gives me that gift of remembering. One of the prayers I pray every day is God give me the strength to remember. When I pray and meditate in the morning, I meditate on two things every morning. Now there's a lot of other things I do, but I spend five minutes every morning meditating on what it was like. And I spend five minutes every morning meditating on what it's like today. And I'll tell you, if you do that, if you've never tried that, you will not have a bad day, I guarantee you. Because I clear my mind and I remember that last six years. And it's like a horrible picture show. It's the worst horror movie you've ever seen in your life. And it's starring me, that's the bad part. And after that, I start thinking about how good I've got it today. Simply by my membership in Alcoholics Anonymous. Look, I don't take it lightly that I was asked to come and do something like this. I never do. I think it's an honor and a privilege. But I think it's an honor and a privilege just to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Just to be able to come to rooms like this with people like you and enjoy the gift of sobriety one more day. A gift that for a long time I didn't think I wanted. And once I wanted it, I knew I'd never have it. I knew I'd never have a sober life. I knew I'd never make it in Alcoholics Anonymous. Because I tried everything I could think of to quit drinking. And I couldn't stay stopped. So I knew this thing wasn't going to work for me. But when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't even come here to quit drinking. I came here because I was in trouble. Imagine that. And I came in here to buy some time, figure out my next move, and get the heat off. And it's so funny how, looking back in hindsight and writing that first inventory, seeing all those alcoholic tendencies in my life long before I took the first drink. I mean, I'm selfish. I'm self-centered. I'm the kind of alcoholic that knows how he looks in 17 different angles at all times. I'm the kind of selfish that knows how he looks in 17 different angles at all times. I'm the kind of self-obsessed alcoholic. I'll get you in a corner and talk incessantly about myself for a half an hour straight. Realize I'm doing that and go, wait a minute, wait a minute. That's enough about me. What do you think of me? You know, I didn't have to come to Alcoholics Anonymous to learn how to do an 11-step inventory. Because I was a goofy little pre-alcoholic kid laying in bed at night reviewing my day. You remember reviewing your day when you were a little kid long before you took the first drink? Adding up the score. Oh, I shouldn't have said that. Oh, I should have done that. And I don't know about your alcoholic mind. Sober or not, when I add up the score, it never comes out right, does it? I'll tell you, I'm almost 19 years sober. I have the gift of sobriety in my life, the gift of sponsorship. I sponsor men. I have a big, hairy, full, beautiful AA life. Yet, if I want to screw up my day, all I got to do is go, well, I think I'll schedule about a half an hour. I'm going to go sit on the couch, cross my legs. And I'm going to think about every area of my life for a while. And when I'm done with that, it just doesn't come out right. I just do not have a head that produces comforting thoughts on its own. My thoughts today are for amusement only. I have absolutely... Now, I'm not saying my head is always terrible. I'm just saying it's inconsistent. I cannot count on my head to give me good, consistent feedback. I just don't count on it. Now, why do you think that that is? Do you think it's maybe because in our book it's clearly stated that the problem resides mainly in our mind? What does that mean? If you're new, this is what it means. If the problem resides mainly in your mind, this is never going to fix this. You can't take a broken tool and go fix a broken tool. It doesn't work. I need things outside of my intellect and my thinking to fix me. I need the power of God. I need the perception of a sponsor. I need the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I need the fellowship that happens here. I need your perception of my life because in any given moment, my perception is off. I'll tell you, alcoholism is definitely doing the same thing expecting different results. That is the insidious insanity of the first drink. But we don't just do that with drinking. Pain is no teacher for alcoholics. We seem to enjoy pain. I was like that from the gate. I remember being five years old, goofy little pre-alcoholic, sitting in the sewing room. I looked to my right and there was an electrical outlet. I looked at my fingers and there was a bobby pin. I remember thinking, looks like it will fit. Bam! I got shot across the room. My fingers are smoking and my hair is standing straight up. I remember thinking, did that just happen? Did that hurt as bad as I think it did? Now, based on the way that I lived my life until I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I guarantee you I would have went for three, but I was unconscious. It's the only thing that stopped me. And I did that with my life. I took the vehicle of my life and I'd slam into that wall. I'd throw it in reverse and slam into that wall and throw it in reverse. There's a hole here somewhere. You've got to hang in there. You know. If you're going to be an alcoholic, if you're going to go the distance, you can't let a little thing like looking bad stop you. And I loved the early part of my drinking because when I got drunk for the first time, I wasn't even drinking to get drunk. I was drinking to fit in. You know, and that wasn't my first drink. Not interested in my first drink. Cued information. I don't really see why it's important. But I am interested in my first drunk because that's where I got enough alcohol. I'm bored in one setting to get there. You see, alcohol, as much as anything, it transports me. It takes me to the land of I don't care. And I love that address. I mean, that's where I wanted to live my entire life. I love the effect produced by alcohol. What is the effect? Is the effect that I think I'm better looking than I really am and I have the courage to walk across the room and ask that pretty girl to dance? Yeah, but no. The effect for me in a word is relief. It's relief from what swirls around in my head in a sober state. But in a sober state, I had nothing to compare it to until I threw my first drunk. And I was drinking with the guys I played high school basketball with. We were having a good time. And what was on tap that night was Old English 800. And that is a fine malt beverage if there ever was one. And I remember it was somewhere around that second can of malt liquor. I had a feeling come over me from my toes to my head that filled me from the inside out. And in that moment, everything changed. Yet everything stayed the same. I looked at these guys that I liked, had a great affection for, I played ball with, and now I love these guys. And I turned into a goober, and I started telling them about it. I love you guys. We're going to be together forever. I was listening to that rock and roll coming out of that cheap stereo in that rickety car. We drove up to the Hollywood Reservoir, and I thought that was the most beautiful sound I'd ever heard. Got all emotional. And we're up in the Hollywood Hills in Southern California looking down at this concrete pond, which was the reservoir, and the sun was getting low, and the sunlight's kind of sparkling on it. I thought it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen in my life. And then I experienced something that I wasn't experiencing every time I drink. I start to think, and what I thought was, you know, I should get down to that water. Now, the hillside we're on is a scrub brush with just chaparral and scrub oak on it. It's about a 45-degree angle, and I start walking down the hill to get down to that beautiful water. And then I'm walking kind of fast, and then I'm kind of jogging, and then my legs are like windmill-y. My legs are like windmill-y behind my ears. And then I fell, and it was like sky, earth, sky, earth, sky, earth, sky, earth. And I slam into this scrub oak full speed, and I just hit this tree and just stopped. Bam! And I was an athlete. And when you're an athlete, you almost instantly are able to ascertain what's happened to you in any time you make contact. And what I remember thinking was, I'm going to be really hurt. And I got up and checked myself out, and there was no pain. Now, this is my first drunk, and I'm already acquiring valuable information that's going to serve me for the rest of my drinking career. You know, if I drink enough alcohol, there's no pain. You know, and I love the idea of no pain. You know, you guys in the gym, and you're lifting that heavy iron, no pain, no gain. I got my own expression, no pain, no pain. And I do what most 17-year-olds do the first time they got drunk. I got violently ill, and bled all over the place, and got tortured, got tortured unrelentlessly by my friends. And, you know, it was a big joke the next day at school. And I didn't remember any of that. I never tapped the brake. All I remember was that moment up on the hill when the music sounded just so, and that water looked just right, and my friends felt nearer to me. And I don't remember thinking, hey, you know what? I think I'm going to drink myself half to death and burn my life to the ground. I just remember thinking, I like drinking, and we're going to be doing some more of this. And the early part of my drinking was the no trouble part. You know? I wasn't picking up a tab. I didn't seem to get in any real trouble. I wasn't standing in courtrooms in front of judges trying to explain my latest event of outrageous behavior. I didn't have my mother standing in front of me crying her eyes out, saying, don't you know you're killing yourself? I didn't have girlfriends hiding in closets because they were afraid they were going to get smacked around in my latest drunken rage. And when I was 23 years old, if you had told me those things were going to be added to my story, I would have told you you had the wrong guy, that that would never happen to a guy like me. And when I was 23 years old, if God Almighty had walked into the bar I was drinking and sat down at the barstool next to me and said, Don, the next drink, the next one, it's going to pass you into a region where there's no return through human aid. You're going to have to go to Alcoholics Anonymous for the rest of your life or die a horrible alcoholic death. I just told God Almighty he got the wrong guy. Because it was working for me. From the inside out, from my toes to my head, allowing me to be anything I wanted to be. Not feeling anything I didn't want to feel. I'm going up the ladder in business. I'm dating up a storm. I'm making a lot of money. And I love the exciting and wonderful effect that alcohol is having in my life. And trouble starts to come into my story. And trouble really comes into my story and everybody that has the misfortune of caring about a guy like me. My alcoholism starts to affect my family and affect my relationships. And the thing about that is it's not a problem for me until it's a problem for me. I mean, I can't tell you how many times I had a girlfriend standing in front of me crying her eyes out going, don't you know how I feel? I'd be like, not really. And I wish that the pain that other people experience both emotional and physical as a result of the actions a guy like me takes sometimes when I drink is some stimuli to me to change. But it's not. In fact, this isn't just about my alcoholism. This isn't just about what happens when I drink. To date, as I stand in front of you, do you know I have yet to work on a problem I don't have? Isn't that something? How many times are we the last ones to know? How many times do we write an inventory in Alcoholics Anonymous sitting across from a sponsor who knows us better than we know ourselves and they're just waiting, please, maybe he'll see it this time. And you say, you know what? I think I'm a little selfish. You think? You know, I've been thinking, maybe, just maybe, I had a part in that car wreck. Maybe! I love that stuff. And I drank and I drank and I drank and it got worse. I remember after I had self-knowledge for the first time and I went on that six-year odyssey of everything you read about in Chapter 3, various vain attempts to control and enjoy my drinking, brief periods of recovery followed always by a still worse relapse, a feeling I was regaining control to find out I'd lost even more control. And my life just spiraled down. And I started, you know, acquiring the things that you're going to have to acquire if you're going to go the distance with your alcoholism. You know, and I got the two best friends I ever had when I was drinking. I got them in place in my life and I kept them right up to the day I walked into Alcoholics Anonymous and long after I was here. And that's justification and rationalization. And if you're going to be an alcoholic and you're going to go the distance, you're going to have to be able to justify and rationalize your bad actions. You're going to have to be able to go to jail and then have people just mortified about that. And you're going to be able to have to say with a straight face something like this, oh well, everybody goes to jail once in a while. Everybody crashes a car once in a while. Everybody loses a job once in a while. Breaks somebody's heart once in a while. Gets sick once in a while. Wrecks a marriage once in a while. You've got to be able to say these things and you have to be able to believe them. You see, my alcoholism demands that I believe the lies I have to tell myself in order to defend my right to take another drink. Because if I ever have to take another drink, if I ever have to take a long hard look at my own behavior and what's really going on behind the mask, I might have to do something about my drinking and I can't have that. I can't have that. It's too valuable to me. You don't understand the terror that comes into my life almost immediately now when I don't take a drink of alcohol. I used to be able to put together a couple of weeks, a couple of months, but towards the end of my drinking, it happened so quick. I'll get out of jail and I'll think I'm going to quit drinking and I know and I mean it. I mean it with every fiber of my being. And I used to be able to ride that for a month, maybe two, maybe two months and not take a drink. And now it's two days later and I'm going out of my mind and I've got to drink. The periods between my drunks are getting closer and closer. I can't seem to put any real time together anymore and I'm scared. And I've made so many sweet promises about my drinking for so long to so many people I don't even talk about it anymore. I'm afraid to whisper that I'm thinking about doing something about my drinking because they might watch me and I'll let them down one more time. I'm discovering that I drink even more when I try to control and enjoy it. I drink even more when I try to quit. I do better and seem to get in last trouble when I'm not trying to quit. A lot of the biggest, most dramatic things came into my life, came into my story when I was in the process of trying not to drink. There's something about an alcoholic trying not to drink on their own willpower that when we finally do pick up that drink it's like being shot out of a cannon, isn't it? I can't explain that kind of relief to normal people. They don't understand what it's like because you can't explain to somebody, you don't understand, I didn't drink for 72 hours. I went to work and everything. There was traffic. But I don't understand why you stole all the rent money and went out on that run for four weeks. It was a bad three days. It was tense. I lose the best job I ever had in my life in January of 1991. I call up my sister in Simi Valley, California and I play the victim card because I'm not just an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic slash victim. If there are any victims here tonight you'll identify with that. If you've been here for any length of the time hopefully you've worked the steps and hopefully you have the unique experience of having two childhood stories as I do. Because I have the childhood story I dragged into Alcoholics Anonymous with me. It's very tragic. And hopefully if I tell it just right somebody will feel sorry for me. That was always my intention when I told that story. And this story about my mom's alcoholism and my dad who deserted the family and never looked back when I was two years old and the gang-infested neighborhood I grew up in and my mom picking up guys in the bar and being seven years old and having to walk across my mom with some drunken guy I don't know naked in our living room to get some Cheerios to go to work. It just sounds bad, doesn't it? Oh, poor kid. You can just see me in my footies, can't you? My little blankie is just... And then of course you come to Alcoholics Anonymous and you get a sponsor and they take you kicking and screaming through the steps. What happened for me is what the book talks about. I got down in black and white what really happened. And it's astounding the things I conveniently forgot on my way to Alcoholics Anonymous. I had a mom that raised three kids on her own. Never took a dime of help. Took a dime of help, support, welfare, nothing. Took two buses to work, two buses back to put food on that table. She had a tough life. I never thanked her for it when I was drinking. That woman sacrificed everything so we would have food and clothes on our back and she suffered from alcoholism. She was a woman alcoholic with no answer. And I never said thank you until I got sober. You know, a woman that did that much for us yet by the time I came to AA I was filled with spite and rage and venom for that woman. And that's called a lack of perception. There's something wrong with my perception of reality. It makes me see things that aren't there and I don't see the things that are there. And I'll tell you the biggest mistake a loving God ever made with a guy like me is he made my eyes looking outward instead of inward. And if nothing else, Alcoholics Anonymous and the process of the steps and the inventory process in particular and the continuance of that process and the 10 step on a daily basis has allowed me to take my eyes off of you and put them on me. Which is coincidental. Which is coincidentally where my life is lived. I found out something astounding in Alcoholics Anonymous that the quality of my life is based on the quality of my actions. Not my feelings, not my emotions, not my thinking, but the quality of my actions. And I had to almost die and come to a simple loving program called Alcoholics Anonymous to learn these things that they've been trying to teach me my whole life. But I couldn't hear them because they didn't have what I had. I had to hear it from a broken down carpenter who I met who was my first sponsor in Alcoholics Anonymous and we shared the gift of identification. And like the book said, he was able to win my entire confidence in a couple of hours. So now I'm lying up at my sister's house. She says, you can come stay at my house, Donald, but if you drink, you're out of my house. And I tell my sister, who I love as much as anyone on the planet, I won't drink, I promise. And I drank every day in that house for eight months until I got sober. And if you don't know how you do that when they're watching you, well, maybe you're not a sneaky rat like I am. I got no problem drinking around your schedule. What's your problem? What time do you go to work? 7 a.m.? Bar's open. And at the end of my drinking, I'm not drinking to kid myself I'm better looking or that my friends feel closer to me or any of that nonsense. I'm doing oblivion drinking. I'm doing light switch drinking. I'm getting the whiskey on board hard enough and fast enough to shut off my head so I can get drunk and go into a blackout, so I can pass out in this room I'm mooching off of my family, so I can come out of the blackout to meet the hideous four horsemen, terror, frustration, bewilderment, despair. They sat on the end of the bed in this room I'm mooching off of my sister, and they waited for me to come up from my drunk and then they would talk to me in my own head and my own voice and they'd make statements and ask me questions. They'd say, Who are you going to hurt today, Don? Who are you going to rip off today, Don? You know, Don, you've taken every good thing that's ever come your way and you've just torn it to shreds. How's it going to end for a guy like you? And now you're with the last relative that will have anything to do with you and you're stealing from her purse and you're stealing your niece's Girl Scout money? You're an animal. What the hell is wrong with you? And I don't know what you do with a head like that on a hangover morning, but I just, I just take another pull off the jug. And I thought I was going to end that way. See, I had surrendered to alcoholism without knowing what it was. I knew I'd never get sober. I knew I was going to die drunk. There was no more fight left in me. I wished for the end. The best I could do was drink and shut off my head. All the fun was gone and I'd sit there at night drunk and wonder what had happened to my life and remember a time when I was young and I played ball and I had friends and I had a future and I'd wonder where it all went and how it got so bad and how I would do anything to have it back and knowing it was beyond my grasp and how it would never be okay for a guy like me. I got an unemployment check in September of 91. I went up to my brother-in-law, Larry, and said, Hey, Larry, I got my check and I borrowed your car. And he asked me a strange question. He said, Don, will you be coming back? And the reason he asked me that question is I had borrowed his car a few times that summer and gone out on little vacations, we'll call them. And I'm an alcoholic to 12 and 12, and my outstanding characteristic is defiance. So I got right in Larry's face and said, How dare you, Larry? You know, the last time this happened, I apologized. I opened my heart to you. I was vulnerable. And now you're coming down on me. I don't really need this crap, Larry. Larry felt terrible. And he took the keys out and I snatched the keys and I'm going out to this man's car whose home I'm living in for free with my alcoholism. And I remember thinking, there better be gas in it. The grandiosity of the alcoholic, the delusions of entitlement. And it gets worse when we get sober. This is when I'm drinking. Can you imagine what I was like when I got sober and I did the world that big favor? Well, I'm sober, you know. The whole world should stop and take notice. Jesus, Don got sober. Let's get the parade committee together. . I go down to the local liquor store to cash my check because that's where alcoholics of my type cash their unemployment checks. And I have what the book refers to as the thought that precedes the first drink, which in my head sounds like this, what's in a half pint? And I buy the half pint. The half pint gets lonely and I drink another half pint and I think, you know, I can go visit those friends in the valley and be back in 45 minutes. And I'm gone. Three days later, I'm driving up the hill to face that family I've done over one more time. I've taken their hope, their faith, and their trust, and I've torn it to shreds. And you need to understand this, that driving up the hill to see that family, I love them no less than I love them at this very moment. And I love my family tremendously. You say, I've got a problem. I can't serve two masters. I've only got time to serve one. And that's king alcohol. And you get between me and a drink, it's nothing personal. It's almost business-like. I'm getting to the drink. I'm going around you. I'm going through you. I'm manipulating you. I'm telling you what you want to hear, but bet your bottom dollar, I'm getting to the drink. But I don't know anything about alcoholism, so I don't know how to explain that to you. So I say things like this, I'm sorry. I don't mean to treat you this way. I don't know how it happened. I'm really, really sorry. And I mean it so much when I say it, but it got really hard for my family to believe that and give me those second and those third and those thirtieth chances when I've roared through their life year after year after year. I walk into that house and I find out my brother-in-law wanted to report the car stolen. And I said, and my sister is negotiating him down to a missing persons report. And the police are on their way up to do the follow-up work. Now, I don't know if you've ever been up for three days drinking and doing outside issues, but the police usually aren't who you want to talk to. I had warrants for my arrest in two counties, so I start yelling at my sister, I got warrants. I'm going to jail. Thanks a lot, it's your fault. I go outside to wait for the police because I don't want the interview to go on in front of the family. I have no idea what I'm going to be saying, but I'm fairly certain I'll be lying. And the black and white unit rolls up and on the side of the black and white unit it says, canine unit. And I think, great, they brought the dog. Like I'm in any shape to make a run for it. And the cop gets out and he starts asking me those hard, tough questions like, where were you? And most of what I remember is illegal, so I'm lying, I'm making up a story. And he starts looking at my eyes really hard and I break his gaze, so he breaks with me. So now we're kind of dancing and shuffling in the front of the house. And I don't feel well, I'm getting nervous, and I see the dog in the back seat and I just want to divert his attention. And I point at the dog and I go, hey, is that your partner? And he says, yes it is. And he walks over and he opens the door and this dog gets out, German Shepherd. Beautiful dog, not a hair out of place, like a Rin Tin Tin reincarnate. And with no prompting on my part, he started to relay facts to me about the dog's life. The dog is three years past retirement age. They can't retire him, he's too good. The dog has participated in more arrests than any dog in the history of Ventura County. The dog has participated in more arrests and rescues than any dog in the history of Ventura or Los Angeles County. This dog was so phenomenal that the officers took a collection out of pocket where they sent him over to Europe for international competition where he came in and kicked butt on German, German Shepherds. So I say to the cop, I go, well, that's a phenomenal dog you have there, sir. And this thought flies in the back of my mind, the kind of thought, the minute you think it, you know it's the truth. You want to deny it, but you know it's the truth. And what the truth was, is this dog had done significantly more with his life than I had done with mine. I hated that dog. And I didn't know it, but that was going to be my entrance in the house. And I said, well, you know what, this dog is going to be my entrance in the house. And I said, well, this dog is going to be my entrance in the Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'd love to tell you I had some kind of spiritual awakening, but that wasn't the truth. My family was done with me. I had devastated my entire family. I devastated the last relative that would have anything to do with me. The last one that stood up for me, the last one that took a chance on me, and she was done. It was so painful for her to be around me, she couldn't talk to me and look at me at the same time. I mean, she would talk, but she'd have to turn her head because I was too painful to look at. And she wanted me out of her house, and I didn't want to be homeless. I had nowhere to go. And I begged her because I'm not above begging. And I said, please don't throw me away. I have nowhere to go. I'll go to Alcoholics Anonymous and everything. And then I looked behind me to see who said the last part. And I was playing the recovery card. I wasn't serious about this thing, but I caught a break. And well, here's the honest part of it, is my family didn't think I was serious either. My first two weeks in Alcoholics Anonymous, my sister was taking me to meetings and picking me up from meetings. You know how that makes you feel when you look the way I look and you get in your older sister's car at the end of the night to go back to her home, and she's driving you home, she says, so Donald, what'd you learn in AA tonight? It's just embarrassing. I walked into the Simi Valley Alano Club on Los Angeles Avenue in Ventura County, California, and they had some old-timers holed up in there with a couple of copies of the big book, and they didn't get a lot of new guys, and they descended on me like apes from the trees. They were going to save me that night. I don't remember my first evening in Alcoholics Anonymous. I remember very little of my second night in Alcoholics Anonymous, but I do remember that my second night of Alcoholics Anonymous, a big guy named Lou I walk up to me with a little bald-headed guy with wire-rimmed glasses, and said, hey Don, this is Mark. Mark's going to be your sponsor. See, my first home group in Alcoholics Anonymous used to believe that picking a sponsor was far too important a decision that would be left in the hands of a newcomer. They used to say, you know, that stuff you hear float around AA, well, you need to get a sponsor. Find somebody that has what you want. Let me explain to you what I want when I'm new in Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm looking for a pharmaceutical rep with a spare cap, a Cadillac. I'm looking for the baddest, hippest, slickest, coolest, cruising the chicks, cruising the newcomer chicks, making fun of the old-timers, never read the books, sitting in the back, laughing at people who actually take this thing seriously. I'm going to pick the guy that's going to die from alcoholism to be my sponsor. That's how sick I am when I get here. Instead, they assigned me a sponsor, which I didn't, I don't know anything about AA. I didn't know that you could pick. If I had known I could pick, I'd have picked someone else. Because this guy was lame. He was quiet and he talked funny and he loved AA and he had a book and it was highlighted. And we sat down and we had our first sponsor-sponsee interview. And he said something right off the bat I really liked. He said, Don, I'm not going to ask you to do anything in Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm not doing myself. And it sounded fair. Until I found out he went to 14 meetings a week, never said no to an AA request, and his idea of a good time is one of you hits a rough spot in the road, you can call Mark 2 AM. Mark would dress, go down to the local coffee shop, talk you through it. Mark used to say, only to the extent that I'm willing to be inconvenienced from my fellow alcoholic. That is the true extent that I walk with God. He used to always say, my value will never be measured by my bank account. My value will always be measured in my worth to others. So I had a spiritual zealot on my hands and I don't think I dig what he's laying down. And I could tell you a lot of stories about Mark, but all I can tell you about Mark is he was on fire with Alcoholics Anonymous. Absolutely on fire with the program Alcoholics Anonymous. And I followed Mark around like a puppy. And I just followed him around and followed him around and one day I think I stood too close to him and I just burst into flames. That's the only explanation I could get. Because one day, man, one day I'm in AA making fun of AA, making fun of the slogans, making fun of how lame it is. Oh, the slogans. My favorite was like my fourth meeting. This old guy comes up to me and he goes, hey Don, you know if you don't drink, you won't get drunk. And I remember thinking, ooh! You must be the president. And I went from that to like 20 days sober. I'm in the shower getting ready for a meeting and I'm reciting chapter 5, that part they read in the meeting. I'm singing it out loud as I wash my hair. Rarely does any person fail if they really follow their path. You know? And I catch myself doing it. And I go, am I liking this stuff? Because I don't want this to be the answer. Because I had a book sponsor and you got a book sponsor? They'll point out. They won't pull any punches. They won't say things like, oh, don't worry about that. You can worry about the steps later. They'll know the book. They'll know the time is of the essence. They'll get you into the steps. Bam! Immediately. You don't wait until somebody gets their shit together to be ready for God. You're ready for God and only then can you get your shit together. And he knew that. And he dragged me into the steps and I put up a good fight. I said, I'm 100 grand in debt. I owe the IRS 80 grand. I haven't worked in a year. I haven't had a valid driver's license in 10 years. I got warrants for my arrest in two counties. My family's done with me. And he's the one that pointed out and you're physically dying from alcoholism. Oh, yeah. And I'm passing blood. I'm physically dying from alcoholism. And he said, these are your big deals? I go, yeah. I think they're fairly significant. And he told me I was wrong. And I hope I never forget what he told me. He said, I only had one problem. He says, that's that you suffer from a disease called alcoholism. He goes, I'll make it simple for a guy like you. You've got something that wants to kill you slowly and take a large bite out of anyone that has the misfortune of caring about a loser like you. And we'll let you know when these other things are problems. Now, what I heard was I didn't have to pay back the IRS. And why I think it's so important that we have new people to come into the program and if you read the history of AA and the way they did it, they did the steps immediately. The steps immediately. They did them perfectly. It doesn't say do the steps perfectly. It says do them immediately. They did them immediately. Why would you need to do them immediately? I'm detoxing. I can't even do basic math yet. It was three months before I could give somebody a five and know what change was coming back. It was like a game show till then. What was going to happen? You know? The circuits weren't hitting. It was like a game show till then. The circuits weren't hitting. But where the steps were concerned, my sponsor used to say, hurry, hurry, lest the test comes early. Because there's going to come a time where you're not going to have any effective mental defense against the first drink. There will come a time in every alcoholic's life where the trouble you've been in and the heartache you've seen and how great AA is and all that stuff, you're not going to be able to think your way to that first drink. At such times, your defense is going to have to come from a power greater than yourself. You're not going to have a relationship with that God or you will drink again. It's the physics of recovery. He gave me the formula. He didn't pull any punches. He didn't look at a 31-year-old man who was a complete failure at the game of life and go, God, I can't make him do this stuff. I can't make him ride in inventory. Look at the shape he's in. He doesn't even have a car. He has warrants for his rest. He's full of fear. He's shaky. He's trembling. He does not smell well. He didn't care because he had absolutely zero faith in me and undoubted, unwavering faith in God. He believed that the power of God went deep and he looked at me and he saw a child of God suffering from alcoholism and he knew the way out and he spoon-fed me Alcoholics Anonymous and didn't buy any of my excuses. I hated my first sponsor. If you love your sponsor, you're not doing the work or you've got the wrong sponsor. I'm just telling you because what this guy did to me was not pleasant. He would do crazy things like I finally went back to work and I couldn't even get a job in the industry I used to work in because he said no. I worked in aerospace fasteners for years. I had contacts left. I could have got a great job. He said no. No, you'll make the big money then your ego is settling humbly. Suggested program? Not with this guy. I remember when he told me I couldn't get a job in my old industry I said I thought the program was suggested. He had already walked away from me. He spun on his heels like a ninja and was back in my face before I saw him move. It was like a special effect. He scared me. And he said I'm tired of hearing that crap about suggesting in Alcoholics Anonymous. Let me tell you something. He goes, if it goes into my mouth and goes into your ears you assume it's a direction and we'll let you know when you pass into the region of suggestion. And then he walked away and I went wow. And he would do things like oh hey you're not working tomorrow let's go to court. And I thought great who are we going for because in AA we're always going to court aren't we? Always standing up for somebody vouching for somebody waving goodbye to somebody. I mean it's just the AA way. And I remember him telling me they don't even know where I'm at. He said no if you're going to live free you've got to live free of this stuff. You can't walk around a criminal with warrants for your arrest and say you're a spiritual being in Alcoholics Anonymous. It's embarrassing. We don't like hanging out with criminals. Clean your shit up. And I said wait a minute isn't it in the ninth step? He goes yeah you're right. You're absolutely right because now I was an expert on the steps. And he said but for you we're going to make an exception. So I get in his truck to go down to the court and I haven't slept all night because I know I'm going to jail. And I'm wondering what I did to piss him off. And he's in the best mood I've ever seen him in. He's whistling and smiling over at me and at one point he says you know Don when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous I was in a lot of trouble. Now you're in trouble. I got to tell you this is better. I wouldn't write my inventory and I went crazy in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous going to 14 meetings a week with commitments talking all the fun talk that we talk around here. When I got Sheridan people levitated. It was very spiritual. My alcoholism was killing me between my ears and I couldn't talk to anybody about it. My sponsor said you're not going to get any relief until you write your inventory. You've stalled on your step work. He goes you're not in the moment. I said what do you mean? He goes oh you're in the past in remorse. You're in the future in worry. You're not in the moment. You won't be in the moment until you write your inventory and share in the fifth step six and seven and eight and nine. You won't. You won't get any relief. You're going to live in the past or worry about the future. He goes and Don the moment's the only place you can meet God. The moment. What's he talking about? I got a head like a beehive. And I would talk to him and go what are you talking about? He goes Don right now you and me in the meeting hall standing here are we okay? I go yeah but you know tomorrow. He goes you just left the moment. And I didn't know what he was talking about. And I was going to leave AA. I was almost six months six seven months sober and I was going to quit AA. And it was a sad day. I was working construction. I was terrible. I had a nickname on the job site the bleeder. I was terrible at that job. I hated my sponsor. I hated AA because I wasn't working my steps. And now like every alcoholic when I'm uncomfortable on the inside there must be something wrong on what's outside of me. You know I've lost that perception. My eyes are on you again and it's the meetings it's my sponsor it's AA it doesn't work. I remember I got up at 4.30 in the morning on a hill where I'm still living at my sister's house and getting sober in her house. And I'm thinking about how sad it is that AA turned out to be something that didn't work for me either. And I'm thinking about I'll go to the meeting at night and I'll resign. If there's something I have to sign I'll sign it. It's okay. But I just can't do this anymore because I'm going crazy. I'm not sleeping at night and I'm going to two meetings of AA every evening and nothing's making me feel better. And it's quiet and it's dark. It's quiet and dark everywhere in the world. I got up at 4.30 in the morning and I got my little framing bags and my little Playmate lunch pail with my cheap meat sandwiches because it's all I can afford and I'm just sad. And then I saw them. And a couple of dogs that got out of the neighbor's house I suppose. You know, a couple of big Rottweilers. Beautiful dogs. And they're just doing what Rottweilers do at 4.30 in the morning when they get out of their yard. You know, they're jumping over hedges and they're rolling on their back and they're just playing with each other. And it stopped me in my tracks and I was watching them because they were having a great time. I got to tell you, it lifted my spirits. And then they saw me. And they looked at each other and they looked at me and they looked at each other and they charged me. And I'm a big tough guy, right? I started screaming like a six-year-old girl. I dropped my bags down and I'm fending them off like some sissy matador. Get away! And they're coming at my feet. And then they're breaking off and they're coming around thinking, oh my God, look at me. And I'm going down the hill and I'm fending these dogs off. And I mean, I was of such service to these dogs because at some point it was almost like, let's see how high he jumps this time because I'm clearing hedges. And I get to the bottom of the hill and the dogs run off and now I'm not leaving AA. You know, at least not until I tell my sponsor, my latest Kayla Woe. And I go to the meeting that night and I corner my sponsor and I tell them the story like only a newcomer can. You know, like a five-minute story and they were huge and they had teeth like this and they chased me. I thought they were going to kill me. And I get through the whole story and he doesn't miss a beat. He goes, well, I bet you're in the moment. So I wrote my inventory, finished my inventory, went through my step work, had a spiritual awakening and lived happily ever after. And that's not what our book says. You know, I made it to the two-year mark in sobriety. I was going to a ton of meetings. I'm sponsoring guys by this time. Sponsorship's an interesting thing. It's probably the most important aspect of my recovery. You know, the first guy I started sponsoring, I was six months sober and I hadn't been through all the steps yet. We have a pamphlet here in Alcoholics Anonymous that says questions and answers on sponsorship and there's only a couple of requirements in there, suggested requirements for sponsoring. And that's that you have a year of continuous sobriety and you've worked the 12 steps. Well, I hadn't even started making my amends yet and I was about six months sober. And I went on a 12-step call with another guy who was six months and a guy with 14 years and we gave this guy our best stuff and didn't think he'd call anybody but he actually called me the next day, which was good because he had a car so he could give me a ride to the meeting. And on the way to the meeting, he asked me if I would sponsor him. And, you know, I didn't think I would qualify. So I said to him, I said, well, you know, Donnie, let me talk to my sponsor and I'll get back to you. And so we went to the meeting and we 12-stepped the other night. He goes, yeah. He goes, he asked me to sponsor him. I go, what did you say? I said, well, I had to talk to you. He goes, let me get this straight. This guy takes whatever courage he has left in the entire universe, somehow summons the courage to ask another human being for help and you told him you'd get back to him? Go tell him yes, you selfish bastard. So I went and told Donnie yes. So I don't know what to do and I asked my sponsor, what do I do? It was kind of fun, actually, you know. Donnie kind of liked it. It was weird, you know. Like, he cares. He yells at me, you know. And we're going to all these meetings. We're going to question and answer meetings and book studies and I noticed in the book studies, you know, every time it's Donnie's turn to read, Donnie is a read. He passes, you know. So I go, I got to tell Donnie we don't do that. We participate in our own recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous. Donnie looks down at his feet and real low and barely hearing, he goes, I don't read so good. I go, what do you mean you don't read so good? He goes, I don't read at all. You know, in polite society, I guess you'd feel bad when you'd be embarrassed. Oh my God, I shined a light on that. How embarrassing. But we're at Alcoholics Anonymous. We don't think that way, do we? Instantaneously, you know what came out of my head? I go, Donnie, no problem. I know how to read. We had two meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. Donnie and I would sit and read the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous together with a dictionary sitting next to us. And we saved each other's lives. Because I needed Donnie and Donnie needed me. And Donnie learned to read in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. He learned to read from the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And if you heard Donnie read in Open Media Bay today, you'd never know that he had that disability before and he certainly doesn't have it today. And this isn't about what I gave Donnie. I didn't give Donnie what he lived. Because I was broken in half by the way I had lived my life. And a man came into my life and he made me feel purposeful. Because in Alcoholics Anonymous I don't know what gift you don't think you have. But maybe you should start focusing on the one that you do have. Because you've got something that somebody needs here. Someone's going to die if you don't give them what you have. And your job is to find out what it is that you're supposed to give. Because the game we play around here is you bet your life. And I think we're uniquely qualified to carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers. And I think I'm going to clear up a misunderstanding. I think when we say that that we're uniquely qualified to carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers our mind automatically thinks of a situation outside of the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And we think of formal 12-step call. We think of answering the phones. And we think of doing corrections and treatment work. And we think of doing public information work. And we think of carrying the message outside of the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous is how we carry the message. And you would be right about all those endeavors. Incredibly important work that I participate in always have and always will carrying the message outside of the rooms so that everybody has their chance of recovery. Like the book says we will not stop until everyone in that town has their chance to recover. And wherever you live that's your job. But I think we forget that we have to carry the message in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I think sometimes as long-term members we're under the assumption that if the newcomer has made it into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous they're okay. Oh, he's okay. Oh, I see him at all the meetings. Say hi to him. He sweeps up after every meeting until we don't see him anymore. And the thing is I've got three names in my cell phone right now and I've only had this number for four years. Okay? Three names of young men that I went to meetings with that I had dinner with that I did commitments with that were part of my AA family that I have attended their funerals. I do not delete their contact information from my cell phone because I have so many numbers in my cell phone that once a month I scroll through and I call people to touch base and I go by these names that are no longer with us and they were in Alcoholics Anonymous they were doing the work they had sponsors they loved the program and they just stopped dancing with the partners that brought them. And I've seen it again and again and one of the gifts I think that we give each other that we don't take seriously enough is we become spiritual tethers. Am I here because of a loving God? Am I here because the steps have worked in my life? Am I here because of the million things that have happened to me? Absolutely. But if I had to pick one reason that I've been able to stay in Alcoholics Anonymous I'd have to say it's the people that have taken the world I thought I'd ever need and the thing that turned out would be the thing that saved my life was the love of one alcoholic for another. And we think we have nothing to give and we have an idea in our head who the still suffering alcoholic is and it's the new man or woman who can't find their rear end with both hands and I'm telling you it's the old timer with 35 years who just lost their wife or is going through a health problem. It's the guy who's 15 years sober and just lost his business that he thought doesn't exist. It's the guy that you love that's getting everything's going his way. Got two new cars in the driveway and he's feeling good but he's going crazy because he's getting everything that his head told him that if he had he'd be happy and he's not getting the meetings. And people will say something to you in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous they go where's Billy been? Where's Billy? Oh you know Billy money property prestige. Why the hell don't we call Billy? I'm so tired of going to funerals to prevent this. I'm going to share a line with you that's from AA Comes of Age and I think that we need to keep it in mind around here and it says the first men and women of Alcoholics Anonymous first 100 men and women of Alcoholics Anonymous took each other's inventory often and firmly. You see I will risk your friendship and I will risk your approval to save your life. My first sponsor used to say hate me now and love me later. And now I hated my first sponsor when he took me through this process and I'm running here tonight 19 years sober and say that man saved my life because he loved me enough that he was willing to risk my wrath to tell me the truth. He saved my life and men and women in Alcoholics Anonymous continue to save my life today when you're willing to share from the heart language of the heart what's really going on with you and how you really feel. You see I don't want this stuff to ever become some ethereal book study where we break down the truth. You see what I know is Alcoholics Anonymous broken down simply is love and service and that's all it's ever been. One alcoholic talking to another alcoholic to reduce his feelings of difference so he can start to take actions he does not yet believe in. And I'll tell you what if you've ever dug a ditch there's two experiences you dig it alone it's one of the worst things in the world to ever do you dig it with a friend it almost digs itself. And one of the things that I try to remember is the biggest gift that God ever gave me and my sponsors continue to give me today is not their knowledge of the big book or their knowledge of the service structure or their sober experience in their marriages these things are all valuable to me and I partake in their knowledge but what they're willing to give me more than anything is their time. I would rather see a sunset than hear a sermon anytime. I have grown and changed in Alcoholics Anonymous because the men of Alcoholics Anonymous ahead of me have kept the lights on the coffee brewed from shoulder to shoulder I never want to be a used to and you know who they are well I used to do this and I used to do that and I used to do that I let the younger people do that now and I don't do that and what do you think the younger people want our newer members and it's not age it's our newer members they want to feel this thing is important and when we do it alongside them you know what they say this is important what an absolute blessing to be part of an event tonight where I saw what an absolute blessing because I've been a voyeur in AA for a long time and I don't miss anything and I'm telling you what happened here tonight made me proud to be an AA member I watched the love among the men that were serving the people that had the most fun tonight weren't the ones that ate the fantastic meal and they weren't the ones that had the beautiful dessert they were the guys in the kitchen and the guys making the coffee and the guys taking the trash out they found the magic in Alcoholics Anonymous they know that there's a chasm the chasm my sponsor talked me about he said there's two he drew a line on a piece of paper and he wrote the word taker on the bottom and he wrote the word giver on top and he pointed at the taker and he goes that's where you are and he said and then he pointed at the word that said giver and he goes that's where the rest of the AA members are you need to come join us or you're going to die and I'll tell you it looked like a skinny little line but it was a huge journey you know talk about the journey from your head to your heart that's nothing compared to the alcoholic journey from being a taker to becoming a giver and I saw a lot of givers tonight and thank you for that experience and thanks for letting me be here with you hope we all stay sober