We Agnostics in a Psychiatric Ward, the Keys to the Kingdom – Sandy B.

Thank you.
The old knees are getting sore, so if I can sit, it really helps.
Hi, everybody.
My name is Sandy B., and I'm an alcoholic.
How are you all doing?
This has been a wonderful week, and you all have treated Sue and I with such grace and
warmth that I don't think we'll ever forget it.
It's just been absolutely delightful.
I've enjoyed all the speakers and the workshops.
It's really been quality, really quality, and you can tell that everybody who has participated
in this program has been doing a great job.
Everybody who's participating has experienced the point of Alcoholics Anonymous, which is
to be reborn with a personality change that causes an entire new way of looking at everything.
And in that sense, we are so lucky.
And I think about Alcoholics Anonymous and where it is now, I guess 140 countries and
3 1⁄2 million miracles have taken place, maybe 150,000 AA groups all over the world.
And as I think about AA and I think about my life, I'm going to just tell you, you know,
this is really amazing, but I'm going to try and talk about both at the same time by telling
you this, that when I was one, a guy named Roland Harris, who was a professor at the
University of New York, was on his way to Switzerland to see Carl Young, who sent him
to the Oxford group, so that when I was two, he went and got Ebi Thatcher and brought him
to Alcoholics Anonymous.
And when I was three, Ebi went and got Bill Wilson and brought him into the Oxford group.
And when I was four, Bill went out to see Dr. Bob.
And when I was five, they had started Alcoholics Anonymous.
And when I was eight, they had written the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous.
So I'm sitting there in second grade, I'm totally unaware of all of these events that
are going to have the biggest impact.
And I've been talking about alcoholism in my life more than anything else.
And when I was 18, I had my first drink at Yale University.
And on that very year, there was a botanist named Jelnik who did the first comprehensive
study on alcoholism, sponsored by Yale University.
And I've often wondered if I'm in there anyway.
I'm in the middle of a university.
And I'm in the middle of a university.
there anywhere. As he observed the downside, you remember the Jelnik curve and he probably
saw people like me and saw them on their way down. And a couple years later, AA held its
first international convention and they adopted the traditions. And I was just on the verge
of being expelled from the university. And so what I'm trying to say is that all of this
has taken place in my lifetime. I mean, this is an amazing phenomenon to have something
like this. And when I was born, there was no hope for alcoholics. They just went into
insane asylums or died or were put in.
Prisons or whatever, but there was absolutely no place for the suffering alcoholic to go.
And I think the other thing that I forgot to mention when I was 10, this is a landmark,
was when Rockefeller held that black tie dinner in New York and legitimized Alcoholics Anonymous,
took away the stigma.
And essentially stuck himself way out. A lot of people ridiculed him, but he
essentially said in all the papers covered it, that this is a legitimate organization
and you should be grateful if you have one in your community because it is going to do
wonderful things. And his secretary, Willard Richardson, wrote about that, that when he
just observed this in the first four years...
he saw that this was one of the most precious things
and he'd been involved in all kinds of charitable works
and looking for wonderful things to support
and he saw this
he saw Alcoholics Anonymous
and what it was all about
and I was just thinking about
how wonderful AA is
and I was thinking if they
could find a spiritual filter
for Google Earth
so that you could put that on
and then just zoom anywhere you want
and spiritual energy would show up
and I think they would find if they were studying it
that there was these pockets all over
that were kind of hard to explain
because this spiritual blossoming
would take place just for an hour
laughter
laughter
laughter
and then it would just fade away
but it would be back the following week
at exactly the same time
they would see this big burst
and in that pocket of spiritual energy
would be all kinds of different
sparkles
and different bursts of energy
and it reminded me of the wildflowers
of Crested Butte
when we took that tour
and everywhere you go
you look
there was this incredible beauty
and I think that would show up
on that Google Earth
that they could go around
and I think it would be amazing
that they would just look
in all these countries
and they would see this
amazing burst of spiritual energy
and wonder what is that
you know
and they'd go
find out a little bit about
a program called Alcoholics Anonymous
that's how I feel about AA
it is
it is clearly God given
I just thought you know
when we talk about our higher power
we can only surmise
there's no way of understanding
most of the time
when we talk about God
it's through stories
and that's why I was talking about the egg
yesterday
and it's throughout history
that's been the only way
to talk about a higher power
is through a story
or a parable
or something
and certainly the AA history
is just filled with these
the humans wanting to go
in one direction
and the spiritual force
no
we're not going to have
paid missionaries
we're not going to have
a chain of drunk tanks
as a matter of fact
we're not going to have
any money at all
I'm going to keep you guys
broke for years
I mean look at Bill
getting AA started
and getting evicted
from the townhouse in Brooklyn
and then the AA people
loaning him a car
you'd say
in the summer camp
you could stay over here
and all the time
he's dreaming
of the big donation
from Rockefeller
and it didn't turn out that way
but the energy
that we all put in
to advancing this wonderful
society
or fellowship
pays off
and it comes out
in so many unique ways
who would have dreamed up
this conference
I mean I'm sure
the first year
you had a certain amount
of the
things you have now
and then every year
you added something
and people came up
with ideas
and then you end up
with almost a masterpiece
I've been to 600
of these conferences
and this has to be
up in the top 10
just the way
it's organized
and that just
and I'm sure
that all the people
on the committee
will agree
that God had a lot
to do with that
and I'm sure
in the middle
of your arguing
and this and that
then it turned out
a different way
and when it did
you went
wow that's better
than mine
so anyway
I just
wanted to tell you
how amazing
it was
to be here
for both of us
and I'll tell you
a little bit
about my story
and then I like
to talk about
the fellowship
because it's so much
fun to do that
so very briefly
I grew up in
obviously
in the early 30s
in New Haven, Connecticut
just before I forget
I've got six children
two girls are in AA
my boys all
I had seats reserved
for them
and they went to college
they got into drugs
alcohol
trouble
I just went
man
right
they're kicking
after their father
and then each one
of them
in his own way
said well
enough of this
and I think
I'll just straighten
out and become
a good citizen
and part of me
was happy
but part of me
was very very
let down
but my daughters
two of them
made up for
the three boys
in spades
and upholding
the family tradition
and they're
members of AA
I also have
15 grandchildren
and they're all
over the United States
and I'm not
I'm not
I'm not
I'm not
I'm not
I'm not
I'm not
I'm not
I'm not
I'm not
I'm not
I'm not
I'm not
I'm not
and I
whenever I travel
I try to visit them
and they're very
excited about
Alcoholics Anonymous
they come to a
conference if I
happen to be in
that town
so anyway
I grew up there
and
my parents
were product
of the depression
and so they had
to work very hard
they supported
my sister and I
did a wonderful
job
I never felt
like I belonged
I don't know
where that came
from
my mother was
Catholic
I went to the
Catholic church
my sister sat
next to me
in the Catholic church
and to this day
she loves it
and considers it
the most friendly
place she ever went
she just thought
the nuns were cute
the Latin was cute
purgatory was cute
you know
everything was cute
and she was
got nothing
but comfort
and peace
from the entire
presentation
I on the other
hand
made up a
different story
and I
don't know
what they were
telling to me
and it scared
me to death
I was terrified
to be in there
and
they just knew
they were getting me
I never wanted
to die
because the punishment
was going to be
so severe
and so
not much comfort
and I was about
eight years old
and sometimes
you have these
spiritual insights
and I was sitting
in the front pew
staring at the
crucifix
which was about
twenty feet tall
hanging from the ceiling
you could not
miss it
and
um
it was as if
it spoke to me
and it said
little boy
do you see this
way else
well this is what
God did to his only son
that he loved
and
um
guess what
he's gonna do
to you
so
I think
I fainted
and fell out
of the pew
and they
carried me
out of the church
and
so I found it
obviously
very
compelling
I was afflicted
inside of myself
but at an early age
I learned one thing
don't talk to people
about anything
so I spent the rest
of my life
explaining everything
to me
on my own
and so that's
where all of my
old ideas
came from
that became
so frightening
and disorienting
and all of that
was just
I made them all up
and I stuck to them
once you
lock in an idea
you're not gonna
change it
or you'll look weak
even if it's obvious
you're wrong
it was something
about
I know I'm in jail
but I got here
you see what I'm saying
I did this
and
but I did well in school
and I
ended up in a little
prep school
and I was a good athlete
I had very high grades
and it was a pipeline
right into Yale
I got down there
and all these people
came from around
the United States
and they were all rich
and smart
and they all knew
what was going on
and I knew
that sometime
during that freshman year
the dean was gonna
call out
there's about a thousand
freshmen
and he was gonna announce
on the old campus
gentlemen
we have an imposter
in our midst
and there he is
and they were gonna
finally expose me
for what I was
and get me out of there
well it didn't happen
and I was very
nervous at all times
I just couldn't
fit in anywhere
but I hadn't had
a drink yet
and my roommates
are telling me
geez you're
18 years old
you ought to be
having drinks
this is what college
is for
to make you feel good
and I've talked about this
in every time
I give a talk
that I went to a
social event
and I was supposed
to meet these other
28 guys
and I couldn't
I'd walk up to a group
and with their eyes
I don't know if you're
aware of this
but people can communicate
things to you
with their eyes
and as I approached
each group
they looked at me
and made it very clear
they did not want
to know me
and would appreciate it
if I would go
somewhere else
but that group
didn't want to know me
and I never met anyone
and I was about to leave
which is what you do
when you can't handle
the situation
look at the pressure
I was under
and there was a bar there
and so I decided
to have a drink
even though
I was going to try
and stay away
from that stuff
and I had two and a half
and I was on that
third one
and I was
had the feeling
it wasn't working
so I put it down
I was getting ready
to leave
and I looked back
at the guys
and everyone in the room
was looking at me
and their eyes
were saying
I'd give anything
to be your friend
I couldn't believe
what had happened
the world that I lived in
was so wonderful
I mean these people
were wonderful
I just was
I was so excited
I started running over
to the first group
and on my way over
I had the feeling
they were right
they would be lucky
to know me
God
bless it
and I just intuitively
knew how to handle
everything
social events
you know
conversation
and as the evening
went on
I realized that
alcohol had removed
all these barriers
to me
and my creativity
I could now
be me
I'd never been me
before
I was always hiding
somewhere
and I thought to myself
you should have started
drinking in grammar school
this is amazing
so alcohol didn't change me
but it changed the world
that I lived in
and all of a sudden
I loved this world
I loved the world
oh I just talked about it
but it went away
when I got up in the morning
and I was back
in the old world
the scary world
so I could hardly wait
for the day to get over
so that I could go down
and enter
the technicolor world
and very soon
the priority became drinking
and my grades started
to get bad
I didn't seem to care
too much
about studying anymore
I gave up
on making the track team
and I started getting in fights
I went to jail
a few times
and it was obvious
that a lot of trouble
was coming
but as far as
I was concerned
all of that trouble
was a small part
of the reason
that I was able
to get out
of school
and go back
to school
and go back
to school
and go back
to school
and go back
to my parents
and go back
and go back
to school
and go back
to study
and go back
to work
easy
nothing
cute
easy
easy
often
difficult
problem
to go back
and look
Negative
To
Give
yourself
the first
lesson
to
my own reality into something marvelous and it all took place inside of me
without anything out there changing at all which is what spirituality is we get
absolutely happy with the situation and the situation never changed we just are
suddenly comfortable in our own skin and comfortable because we're near a higher
power it is the power that does the work in any event the Korean War was going on
and they were drafting everybody so a group of us had some beers and went down
and joined the Marine Corps
and I did not know what was in store for me I took my golf clubs it was it and I
did not understand what they're talking about when they told me where to put
them
and so there was the bootcamping for times
weeks and then but you know it's as ridiculous and severe as it was part of me also liked it
because I was being disciplined there was something good happening to me that I would never do on my
own and I got out of there and it took six months to become a platoon leader and during the course
of that training I saw a movie about pilots training movie and that caught my eye I'd never
been in a plane but these guys look cool they had the scarves they're talking with their hands at the
bar then they showed some of the planes and the carriers and I just went god boy that's great so
I asked this major I'm going to sign up for that and he said no you gotta you'd have to sign up for
three more years no no I'll do it so I signed up I passed the test I had met this woman from
Connecticut who was to become the mother of our six children and we hit it off got married and
I'm off to Pensacola to become
you
naval aviator number 4,000 or whatever now I got airsick on the civilian plane going down to Atlanta
and then I got airsick going to Pensacola and then I got airsick in the old SNJ and things were not
looking good for this hot shot aviator but it turned out it was motion sickness and it did go
away and then I became great at it I would be number two or number three and it was a wonderful
18 months
going through all that training and formation and gunnery and the carrier and everything and
finally down in Corpus Christi Texas I got my wings and went off to the fleet marine force
spent a short five months in El Toro in California and lived on Balboa Island and man life was great
now I got my orders to a fighter squadron in Japan and
the war is over and so the main job was to fly high-performance planes and drink and I just loved
it I love the squadron I love the idea of being part of a unit we all drank together with the
colonel there and then we had our table and you flew hard and you just did whatever was asked of
you but then when it was over however long the day was then you went and you party just as hard
as you worked and it was all done as a unit and we all we got to the point where we got to the
front so I get drunk we're doing this we're doing that and I just felt like I was the same as
everybody else that this was just marvelous and about eight months into it we were getting ready
to go aboard the carrier and we were practicing field carrier landings and I was out in the end of
the runway with one of my heroes the maintenance officer a big red-headed Irishman named Major
Newport and I just listened to everything he said you know he was great and he started talking about
You know, Sandy, in about two years I'll be eligible to be a lieutenant colonel
and I can get my own squadron.
And he started talking about how happy he'd be to have his own fighter squadron
and how he'd get nothing but the best pilots.
And then he said, I'd want you.
Well, I mean, you know, you're a young lieutenant and this guy, I want you.
I just felt like a million dollars.
And then he said, but I wouldn't let you drink.
And I was shocked.
I just, why would he say that?
I mean, he gets drunk right with me.
What is this?
And it wasn't until I got to AA and I learned about alcoholism
that I learned that even in a crowd of really big drinkers,
my drinking scared them.
You know what I mean?
There was an intensity.
There was something that you can spot that isn't casual.
You know what I mean?
Or situational.
See, these guys, when we went back to the States,
they went back to what's normal drinking back in the States.
I just kept right on.
And so, you know, we got transferred around.
I was a forward air controller, flight instructor,
and a photo pilot during the Cuban Missile Crisis.
And during that time, we had six children.
And I got promoted to first lieutenant.
I got promoted to captain.
So on the outside, you could say, look at this guy.
He's doing pretty good.
He's got the big family.
He's got...
Flying these planes, blah, blah, blah.
Must be, you know, nice to be that guy.
Well, you would have made a bad trade
if you had decided you wanted to trade places with me.
Because it was about to end.
All of the finality of alcoholism was taking place inside of me.
And everything was starting to close in.
And I was starting to get very apprehensive about flying with me.
Because I was having withdrawal symptoms.
Because I didn't drink for 12 hours.
I would lose vision.
My heart was racing.
I would get up there and just feel like I'm going to pass out.
And it was just awful.
And I kept that up for about a year.
And didn't crash anything or have any accidents.
But there were close calls that I knew about.
I took a Crusader off of Cherry Point one day.
And you had to put the wing down real fast.
And I hit the engine.
And master switch.
Shut the engine off about 10 feet off the ground.
Went, oh my God.
And turned it back on.
And there was this boom.
And it relit.
And later I talked to the maintenance officer.
You know how you want to find out something so you ask hypothetically?
I remember going, hey Walt, hypothetically,
if you shut off the engine master and turned it right back on,
what are the odds of it relighting?
And he said, it won't.
You know, so I just went, oh, you know, like, zero.
So anyway, I was frightening myself to death.
I was very sick.
And I finally went to the doctor.
We had no alcohol programs in the Navy at that time.
And so everything was left up to the psychiatrist.
And the doctor agreed I had a terrible problem.
They sent me down to Pensacola for two weeks to be studied
by the doctors.
And they studied me.
There was every kind of a doctor.
And they, I remember they had an old AED Sky Raider.
And they put a chair in like the ones you're sitting on,
bolted it in.
And then had all these wires.
And they went into me.
And I'm in the chair.
And they're doing the planes, doing all that.
And they got a doctor sitting there watching all the stuff.
Like they're going to diagnose alcoholism in an AED.
Anyway, at the end of the time, they couldn't find anything wrong.
So they left that up to the psychiatrist.
And he wrote a long report on how I was experiencing a childhood fear of flying
that showed up after 12 years of flying.
It just appeared from nowhere.
And I was told I would never fly again.
Well, that just about killed me because that's who I was.
And it took about three months.
I was a career officer.
And I got a new specialty.
And I became a pilot.
I became an air traffic controller.
And that was my job until I ended up in AA.
I made it through the school.
I'm shaken even worse.
I went overseas for a whole year.
I checked into the unit.
And the senior enlisted men, who are the backbone of every military,
the C-7 came up.
Welcome, Captain.
Good to have you here, et cetera, et cetera.
And he said, Sir, here's your tent.
Here's your coffee.
Sir, we really appreciate it if you personally would never go near the radar or talk to an airplane.
And I knew what he meant, that I could barely get to work.
And so that's all I did.
Now I could drink around the clock.
And during that year, I lost 50 pounds.
I had malnutrition.
I couldn't eat solid food, so I drank soup.
And I'd have vodka and soup.
And it was just, it was terrible.
I stopped hanging out with my buddies.
Wouldn't even go to happy hour with the guys.
I was just lost inside of myself.
I was just trying to survive.
And I survived all the way through that tour and back to Quantico, Virginia,
which is how I ended up in Washington, D.C.,
going to a career school.
And in the school, I had a grand mal seizure.
I just about bit my tongue in half.
And they took me up.
I went to Bethesda Naval Hospital.
I had malnutrition, was really sick, alcohol poisoning, all of those things.
And I got up there, and they said they don't have a clue what the problem is.
So I'm in a regular hospital room, and they're studying what could have caused the seizure.
And it took about five days without alcohol for my system to absolutely freak out
with the DTs, the delirium treatments.
And I was...
I saw these horrible things.
The CIA was trying to break me mentally with memory tests, and they were moving the walls
of the room and changing everything, trying to drive me crazy.
And I guess in the middle of one of those, I went screaming down the hallway,
and they captured me and put me in a straitjacket and locked me
up in the mental ward for six months.
So that was the treatment that was available in 1964.
And...
Nothing was helping me in there.
The psychiatrist would talk about the childhood, and the rest of the people who were in the
mental ward were very upset with the three alcoholics because they didn't think we had
a legitimate mental illness.
And they would...
I remember them sort of going, why are you guys even here?
You could tell they were looking down on us.
And I remember thinking where I had arrived.
You know, Yale.
You know, class of 53, all the way to low man in the nut ward.
And that was the...
It was not very reassuring as far as my own life was concerned.
But AA talked their way in and brought a meeting in.
And it was a speaker meeting, and I didn't connect fully, but I thought it was exciting.
And if I ran into an alcoholic, I would certainly send him to these guys because they were great.
And not long after that, I got a call from one of these guys.
And not long after that, I was an outpatient while they were going to give me new orders
so I could go home at night and weekends.
And when I did, after about three weekends, I just decided to have a beer, and then the
beer led to this and that.
And now I've got a quart of vodka in the parking lot at the nut ward, and I know they're looking
at me.
I know they're going to nail me because they told me if I had another drink, I'd lose my
career.
And so I decided to call them.
And they said, what's your name?
And I said, well, I'm going to call AA on my own.
And on Pearl Harbor Day of 1964, I made the phone call.
It got forwarded to somebody at their home, and they got the only other Marine down in
Quantico who was in AA, another captain, and he came to my house, and he's my sponsor to
this day.
I've had the same sponsor for almost 42 years.
And he knocked on the door.
I went there.
It seemed like he filled the door frame.
He was a big infantry guy.
His specialty was explosive ordnance disposal.
And he used to say it was the perfect job for an alcoholic because nobody's looking
over your shoulder while you're working.
And so he came in, and I was, you know, I had got some alcohol to stay down between
the time I called.
And he got there, and I didn't really want AA anymore.
But he wasn't having any of that, and it was get in the car, we're going to the Manassas
group.
And that was my first meeting.
And it was a group anniversary.
They had a massive food spread, turkey and ham and baked beans and all this stuff, which
I couldn't even go near.
You know, now I'm sober five hours.
.
.
And it's a group anniversary, and it was followed by a square dance with fiddles.
They had their country fiddler champions out there, members of AA.
And they're playing the fiddles, and this thing's going on until around 11 at night.
.
And now I'm sober nine hours, which is.
And I was trying to make a break for it.
.
.
I kept going out on the porch of this old wooden building.
.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
and it was December 7th so it was cold it was rainy and there was no street lights it was in
a remote part and I was trying to run away but I didn't know where to run and this hand came on my
shoulder and it turned out it was an Al-Anon lady who named Betsy Lynch God bless her and she and
her husband were at the meeting and she saw how troubled I was and she just put her hand on my
shoulder and I turned around it was like there was an angel there and she said it's going to be
all right and I felt it in my heart I just went back in that woman she just said it's going to be
all right and there was something about her eyes and I just went back in and sat down now I didn't
I felt terrible but I I believed her that it was going to be all right and I haven't had a drink
since and it's just wonderful
now life doesn't go the way you want it to I went to a meeting every night for two years I really did
well at this new job that I had which was a pretty good one it was with a team of senior officers that
went around the country and the world putting on a presentation about the future of the Marine Corps
it was like an eight-hour show traveled overseas it was a pretty good job and the colonel and the
general were giving me good high fitness reports
and it came time for my sponsor and I to be eligible to be promoted to major now you only get two shots at it and then you're out
and neither one of us made it the first year
so now the second year I'm trying even harder I'm just working hard because
your career is over if you don't make it and the following year he made it and I didn't
and I don't know why
but I thought that that was unfair
I thought that that was unfair
I thought that that was unfair
I thought that that was unfair
I thought that that was unfair
I don't know you know you some of us are just weak but I thought having gone to a meeting every night for two years did everything that I was asked that prayed to this new loving God spoke at meetings made coffee did everything they asked and what did I get my family of eight is now thrown out in the streets that's what this new loving God did and so I had a high class resentment
And I learned early on that if you want to keep a resentment don't tell anybody about it just sit home and cook it up
And I learned early on that if you want to keep a resentment don't tell anybody about it just sit home and cook it up
And I learned early on that if you want to keep a resentment don't tell anybody about it just sit home and cook it up
And I learned early on that if you want to keep a resentment don't tell anybody about it just sit home and cook it up
And I learned early on that if you want to keep a resentment don't tell anybody about it just sit home and cook it up
And kept reviewing it in your head ooooh faaur is a mingler through that one more time
And kept reviewing it in your head ooooh faaur is a mingler through that one more time
And kept reviewing it in your head ooooh faaur is a mingler through that one more time
given this dastardly event.
I read a little story in the Washington Post,
and it's one paragraph.
Marine Corps instruction team from Quantico, Virginia,
killed in plane crash going to Denver
to put on one of those shows.
And if I had had my way,
and it turned out the way it should have,
I would have been on the plane.
And so I remember going,
wow, wow, that changes it.
I remember just kind of saying that.
And then I remembered that God was watching me read that.
And, of course, I felt like, where can I hide?
And you can't hide from God, you know.
So I'm ducking around.
Well, if you just told me that was going to happen,
I wouldn't have been so upset.
Anyway, I went on from there to several jobs.
I was trying selling, and I was broke.
I hate to tell some of you new people this,
but we were broke probably up until I had 15 years in the program.
So if you want to talk to me about money problems,
you better have at least 16 years.
Up until then, I won't have any sympathy for you.
But, you know, it was fun.
It was right on the edge, you know what I mean.
The car battery died, so you've got to wait three days for payday
so that you can go get a new battery.
And that type of stuff.
And the electricity off for one day, back on.
And you're sponsoring new people, telling them,
if you want what I have.
I'm amazed any of them stuck around, you know what I mean.
And eventually I got, you know, through a Marine Corps,
a connection, oddly enough.
I got an interview with a small government agency
that regulated credit unions in this country.
And it was headed at the time by a retired Marine general,
and this general counsel was a Marine colonel, retired,
and they were looking for a congressional liaison,
somebody to be an expert on credit unions and an expert on Congress.
Neither of which I am, but I got the interview.
So I'm talking to this guy and telling him,
oh, yeah, you know, Marine officers, we can do anything.
I could learn this job in a month, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And at the end of the interview, he said,
by the way, why did you leave the Marine Corps?
And I went, oh, man.
And I said, I got thrown out for drinking.
I drank so much, I ruined everything, and I just was thrown out.
And I've been in AA for ten years,
and it's the most wonderful thing.
It just transforms you, and I know I can do this job.
And he said, okay, we'll let you know.
And about two months later, the personnel officer calls me up and said,
you want the job?
And I got it, and it involved writing and speeches and testimony.
It turned out I was great at it.
And I had a 23-year career with those people,
ten with the government agency and ten with the trade association.
And it was just wonderful.
But after I'd been there about two years,
I became very close friends with that general counsel,
the retired Marine colonel.
And I was down at his house one time, and he said,
did you ever wonder why I hired you?
You didn't know anything about Congress or credit unions,
except you had a loan.
And I said, yes, sir, to tell you the truth, I really did.
He said, I just wondered what it would be like
to work with someone that honest.
Now, isn't that amazing?
And so I just, if you're on a job interview,
I'm not telling you what to do, but I'll tell you what happened to me.
I just said, I was thrown out for drinking.
And I think he just went, jeez.
He's obviously not making that story up.
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So anyway, off I go on, you know, so that,
and then I retired about 10 years ago, went down to Tampa, Florida.
And it's just wonderful to sponsor lots of guys and go to conferences and meetings.
And it's really a great life, and I'm most grateful for it.
What happens to us to make it so great?
Now, let's not, you know, mince any words.
The only thing that makes it great is God.
There's no, there's no non-God way of doing this thing.
I mean, there just isn't.
And of course, when we're new, we just don't like to hear that.
So I'll try to share with you how my sponsor led this former Catholic,
if not an atheist, certainly an agnostic.
I did not want to hear any of this stuff.
You know what I mean?
I'll go to the meetings, I'll make the coffee, but don't start talking all that other stuff.
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And so he's leading me along, and I think eventually I did say the Lord's Prayer
after about two years.
All right, I'll say it, you know, just to make everybody else feel comfortable.
But I was having a very hard time understanding the AA God
and how, what it was all about, because nobody seemed to know.
You know what I mean?
There wasn't anybody explaining it.
It seemed like,
you might have one, and somebody over there had a different one, and this guy had one.
And it was very confusing about how you got spiritual in Alcoholics Anonymous.
And so he had two things that he did to me.
So if you're new, I'll just do these and see if they help you tonight.
I think I had about two and a half years, and he said,
this is what I want to do.
I want to sit down.
It's only going to take about ten minutes.
And would you be willing to be brutally honest with me?
And I said, sure, Bill.
He said, I just want to take a spiritual inventory of you
and what's going on inside of you.
I said, okay, fine.
Okay, how often do you pray?
I said, Bill, praying is stupid.
I think it's the most ludicrous thing in the world.
I don't pray.
I don't pray at all.
I have no intention of praying.
Put me down.
I'm going to come for a zero praying.
He said, okay, zero praying.
Fine.
We're not going to criticize you.
That's it.
Just zero.
That's it.
Okay.
How about spiritual readings?
They have these various books that help people understand spirituality.
They have New Age books.
They have all kinds of wonderful authors.
They have all kinds of good books.
They have all kinds of wonderful books.
They have all kinds of wonderful books.
And I said, well, I would like to have thought about that.
How about that?
Bill, I don't even go near that section in the bookstore.
I don't want anything to do with that.
I like murders, mysteries, sports, history.
Spiritual reading, out.
Out.
Okay.
We'll put down zero.
How about meditation?
Do you ever sit back and just contemplate the universe and all of them?
I said, no, Bill.
I don't do that.
That's just like a Ouija board.
I mean, this is ridiculous.
I've never done that.
I don't know.
I said, no, Bill, I don't do that.
That's just like a Ouija board.
universe and all of them. I said, no, Phil, I don't do that. That's just like a Ouija board. I mean,
this is ridiculous. No, I don't do that. Or, well, how often do you go to church? I don't go to
church. I went when I was a little kid. It's the most stupid thing in the world. I don't even,
I don't visit cathedrals when I go to England. So it's 400 years old. Who cares? I'm not going in
there. No, I don't want anything to do with churches. So he said, so we can zero, zero,
zero, zero. Yeah. Okay. One more question. How's it going?
What does it feel like to be inside of you? I said, it's awful in here. It's awful in here.
Okay.
So we're doing a little spiritual experiment. We've now run a little lab test on zero praying,
zero meditation, zero church and zero spiritual reading. And what are we writing down? Are the
results of that? What we're suggesting is you try something else and see what kind of results you
get. And then he said, let me help you with that decision. Okay. And then I thought, here comes the
pitch.
So when 한국국토� ostraya говорит!
And I think that this idea is not real, that this
isn't real.
Okay.
So the last thing about the chapter I'm going to Record now is this,
The's проверing any more things in the book on alcoholism.
And I do to have all kinds of stories and all of that. He never talked about God yet talk about it
all He said, Um, the way I'm going to explain spirituality to you is to explain the disease of alcoholism to you. And I'm going to go to the chapter that you will probably enjoy the most because it's called The Chapter to the agnostic to the agnostic moralizing and spiritualism.
I said, yeah, I haven't read it, but that's my chapter.
I know that.
And I assumed, you know how you know without reading what's in there?
And I knew that that's the chapter where the agnostics go,
and they don't do the program.
They do whatever is in that chapter.
And I didn't know that what the chapter said was,
change your mind, become a former agnostic.
But anyway, he said, now, we're all going to agree on the terms of the disease,
and it's outlined right here,
and I just want to make sure you agree with this assessment.
And this is right out of the first paragraph.
If when you drink, you have little control over the amount you drink,
that's you.
I said, yep, okay, yep, that's me.
And if when you stop, you can't stay stopped,
yep, that's me,
then you're an alcoholic.
Oh, okay.
And then he reads the next sentence.
If that be the case, you're suffering from an illness
that only a spiritual experience can conquer.
Would you like me to repeat that?
You have an illness that only a spiritual experience can conquer.
And I went, Bill, I don't believe in spiritual experiences.
He said, well, you're screwed.
He said, well, you're screwed.
There's no other answer.
And I'm going, what am I going to do?
I'm going to do something that is probably the most difficult thing an alcoholic ever does.
You're going to change your mind.
I remember just going, I don't think so.
I don't think we're going to be doing that.
So he went on to read the next paragraph,
which is a very comedy line.
It reminds me of Jack Benny.
And it's,
It simply says,
Here's where you are, Sandy.
Here's where you are if you're new.
To be doomed an alcoholic death
or to live on a spiritual basis
are not easy alternatives to face.
So I said, yeah, you're right.
I remember just going, let's see.
So if you're new,
I just developed this little comedy routine.
The way we'll take care of this is
you will imagine,
imagine that it's a quiz program.
And you're up on stage and I'm the emcee.
And I'm going, Larry, come on up.
Come on up.
See these two doors back here, Larry?
Yeah.
What's the first one say?
Die an alcoholic death.
I don't know.
Larry, that's door number one.
What's this other one say?
Live on a spiritual basis.
Okay, Larry, that's door number two.
That's door number two.
Larry, circumstances have placed you
so that you have to choose
one of those doors.
So which one are you going to choose, Larry?
And Larry, if you're like all the rest of us,
you go like this.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Oh.
Oh.
Two crappy choices.
Oh.
Oh.
Do I get a phone call?
Yes, you get a phone call.
Hello.
Dr. Seymour.
Yeah, it's Larry.
Yeah, hi.
How you doing?
Listen, I got a hypothetical question.
How bad is an alcoholic death?
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Okay.
Door number two.
And then we say,
congratulations, Larry,
you just became spiritual.
And you did.
You did.
You decided that circumstances
have forced you into making a choice
that you never would have made
and that you don't believe in.
There's no way you can believe
in the steps ahead of time.
I mean, I remember when my sponsor told me
that everything you need
was in these steps.
And I had all these problems, you know,
when you're new and all these family
and all the pressure and this and that.
Everything is there.
Now I'm serious.
So I'm, you know, I'm okay.
I'm in.
I'm in.
I'm going home.
I'm going to finally read these stuff.
And I'm reading and reading and reading.
And, you know, and you're foggy.
And it's hard to get it clear anyway.
And I'm back and I'm back.
And finally I said, Bill, Bill,
which one is the money step?
Because that was it.
I mean, the thing I needed was money.
And he said,
no, there's no money step.
I said, well, what is there?
He said, you're going to have to take them
to find out.
They only become visible
after you do them.
And so we all end up taking actions
that we do not believe in
because there's nothing else to do.
You can procrastinate.
You can try your own way.
You can do whatever you want.
But eventually it becomes so uncomfortable
on the inside,
that we take these actions
and then our job
is to simply report back
in the experiment
where the four zeros gave these results.
Now, what are these 12 steps?
What kind of results are you getting?
And as you all know,
you just suddenly find
you're a little more comfortable.
You find your family is straightening out,
much to your surprise.
You're finding all kinds of things
that are going on.
And eventually we have
a magic moment.
Which is at the end of the promises
where it says we suddenly realize
that God is doing for us
what we could not do for ourselves.
And that, of course,
is a spiritual awakening.
That's what an awakening is,
an awareness,
a personal awareness.
Not the awareness that you saw
somebody else transform,
but that you can now say
that you have experienced
the closeness of your own creator
in a very special way
and it's a very special way
and it is your experience.
And it's that experience
that is the counter to the four zeros.
What results from the four zeros
and what are the results from the steps?
And there it is.
It happens in your own spiritual lab,
inside your own head and your soul
and you suddenly realize
it's not a theory, it's real.
And it happens.
And now we're on our way
and we move along the spiritual path
and we're on our way to God.
And Chuck Chamberlain
has that wonderful book,
The New Pair of Glasses.
And he's long passed away,
but his retreat that he did
was typed up
and that's what that book is about.
And that's what he said spirituality is.
It is like being given
a new pair of glasses.
And when you put them on,
the world is unbelievably different
and you're different.
The whole energy,
is reversed,
like in the prayer of Saint Francis.
Instead of needing,
we want to give.
And that was the problem all along.
We didn't need anything.
We needed to allow all of our love out
and it's better to understand
and just reverse the energy flow.
And this happens.
But here's the problem.
And I'm gonna close with this
because we're running out of time.
Somewhere around, maybe two years,
somewhere's in there.
Something significant.
It could happen sooner,
it could happen later,
but this happens.
And it would be almost like
on your second anniversary,
you come up and in addition to the medallion,
you get these glasses.
And we go, Mary, from now on,
put these on and tell us
what the world looks like.
So you take off the old glasses,
which we call the life sucks glasses.
And we put these on.
And it's unbelievable
how wonderful it is.
And here comes the hard part.
And we say, Mary, we have a suggestion.
We suggest you throw away those old glasses.
Just get rid of them.
Guess who's wearing them again, about a month later?
Put off the new pair of glasses
and picked up those old ones
and put them back on.
And everything looks best.
bad again. And this seems to be the dilemma of spirituality, is that we are struggling
against our ego and our heart on which pair of glasses to put on. And if we didn't have
the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, all of us would have put on the old glasses and
wandered off into the desert, never to be heard from again. When Carl Jung wrote back
to Bill Wilson, when Bill wrote him to thank him for helping to start AA, then Dr. Jung
wrote him back and said, oh, I'm so glad to hear about Alcoholics Anonymous. I always
thought that the alcoholics were thirsting after God and that the only answer for them
was God. So I'm so glad this all worked out. Then in the next paragraph,
is the fascinating observation by this man who studied human beings and was very spiritual
himself. And he studied human beings for a long, long time. And this is what he said.
He said, every human being has to contend with the power of evil. We would call it character
defects. And evil always wins. That's not a very encouraging sentence, is it? And then
he said, with one experience.
There's no exception. A person who has had a spiritual awakening and is in a society
that enables that person to maintain that spiritual awakening. So I submit to you that
you and I have been given much more than we realize. We've been given the keys to the
kingdom and the society to help us. And we've been given the keys to the kingdom and the
society to help us maintain it. This, on the one hand, we have to do the work ourselves.
But on the other hand, it's a we program. So we must always feel that we're part of
something rather than trying to be something. And that's the great joy of AA is to just
be one more drunk, putting the meeting together, putting the conference together, and reaping
the rewards that very few people see. Thank you all very much.
Any questions for our panel?
Thank you.