Walked into That 7-Eleven Six Foot Eight and Came Out Four Foot Six — the Tenth Step Will Do That to You – Steve B.

Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength, and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. We hope to always remain an ad-free podcast, so if you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-sunrise.com. Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. Hi, everybody. I'm Steve Bordner. I'm an alcoholic. How are you tonight? You look good. Thank you for having me. My sobriety date's May 25, 1979, and that certainly shocks me. I had no idea. If you told me May 26, 1979, that come the year 2001, I'd be in Paramount, California, speaking at an AA meeting, I would have run out of there. I have no idea what was going to happen. You just come here, you're dying because you got terminal alcoholism. I'm one of those alcoholics. I never had one day. I never got one day on my own. I will tell you that in the 21 years and a couple of months I've been sober, I haven't been close to a drink. That's just my story. I know lots of people get thirsty. I think that just makes sense to me. In sobriety, being thirsty makes sense to me. You know, especially when they have those commercials, like for Heineken, which is asexual experience for a sober alcoholic. You know, that bottle goes by and then just that drop of water going down there and he starts in on you. It's beer. It's not real alcohol. It's healthy. It's got hops in it. It's really health food. You know what I mean? And I don't. I don't, you know, every once in a while I kind of go, I mean, there's drinks out there that fascinate me. Lots of drinks. I never had a Long Island iced tea. I know. See, when I say that, people encourage me to relapse. It's really great. People go, oh man, you didn't have a Long Island. You really should go out over that, man, because come back, get a newcomer chip because that's worth it. And that looks like my kind of drink. This much booze, that much mixer. Had a buddy of mine, he had a glass that he could put a fifth in with about this much Coke. He'd come, his wife would come home and he'd be drunk. She'd go, how much do you have? One. That's us for one. It's whatever a glass is, is one. I think it should be on the 20 questions. See, I got addicted to antique stores and sobriety. If you're new, how many people are in their first year? I just want to see so I can kind of gaze. Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. Welcome to, I can't even begin to tell you. I mean, the basic thing is I don't have to die with a big fat liver out to here like half of my family. And that's a blessing. 007 And God bless them. They didn't want to either. But there is so much more here. I see, if I could, I would change this name from Alcoholics Anonymous to Does Not Play Well With Others Anonymous. 008 Because see, besides, I think, like I said, you know, it says that. And you know, it's such a, the speaker, I just am done. If I'm really spun tonight, it's because the San Fernando Valley Convention was this week. And I've been involved in that. And I have just had AA for, I am AA'd out. I have had a lot of toxic alcoholism, you know, around old timers, and mostly. And, you know, I had forgotten this on my schedule. And I would have never put it on my schedule, because I would never have. And it was there. And sometimes God just says to you, you can do more than you think. I just want to be, have my feet up watching The Sopranos tonight. That's it. That nice group of people. They all fit right here. But if you think about our first step, it says, a minute, we were powerless over alcohol, and that our lives are unmanageable. And the speaker last night was talking about that. I thought, how peculiar. Life is unmanageable. Life itself, not my life, life. We live in California, the earth could start shaking the next minute. You know, I mean, but, but I don't think you have to tell normal people life is unmanageable. They know that already. We're the ones who are confused about it. Yeah. You go out to some normal, you think you can manage life? 009 Hell no, man. No, it's well, you know, I can get my checkbook. 009 I can get my checkbook and go to job and do it. But there's a lot of stuff I can't manage. Not us. Not us. See, and I didn't come to Alcoholics Anonymous looking for God. I came thinking I was God. And on any given day, I'm disappointed that I'm not. Because see, I just think, and it really is, it's a cliche, but I think it's true that once you take away my drinking, I really only have one problem. It's not places I can move. It's not things I can trade them or get rid of them. It's people. You people will not turn your will and your life over to my care as you don't understand me. And if you did, it would be so much better. That's why I say we are that we are does not play well with anonymous others anonymous. We went into kindergarten, grabbed the teacher by the scruff of the neck and went, All right, look, bitch, I am in charge now. Give me the blankets and the cookies. Nobody gets hurt. Those of you are drug addicts who are in the back crushing the cookies, mixing them with other things. So let's take a little mini inventory, shall we? Okay, first of all, we got all the blankies, all the toys and are selling the other children bad cookies. And we're wondering why doesn't anyone like me? And I told that story one time and a guy, I was at a camp out. If you've not been to an AA camp out or an NACA, you need to go. It is hilarious. You know, alcoholics in the woods. You think we're bad here. Yeah. God. But a guy said come back to the campfire. I want to show you something. He had his big book and he had his report card. And if you really want to take an interesting inventory, look at your report cards from when you were in elementary school. That got the room quiet. But he had his first grade report card and on his first grade report card honest to God, this is what it said. Thomas needs to understand this class only needs one teacher. There's a first grader, he's eight years old. Walking in the class thinking he's gonna be See, and the literature is so true for me. The literature says that I really only understand one way to have a relationship with you, dominate you or be buried underneath. I don't know how to be a worker among worker. I don't know how to be a friend among friends. I don't know how to let you have a spotlight when it's your turn and take it when it's mine. I don't know how to walk into a room and try to make as good a meeting for you as it is for me. I don't know how to give and take. I know how to demand and sulk. So, you know, too much relating going out of there because I'll tell you what I got hit to in the four step and you are not going to hear much of a drunk log. I have been accused of the alcoholic with not a drunk log. I drank. I should have been the first one in my family dead. I just don't have a very interesting one. See, because most of the people that speak in AA have one of two kinds of stories. They were tied down in Folsom doing life all tatted out. Now they run Microsoft, that kind of story. I'm short. I'm white in jail. I'm an hors d'oeuvre. I'm not going. Okay. I ain't going to Vietnam once. I ain't going. I had a high draft number and I would look into Canada and I'm an army brat. You know, I wouldn't go to Vietnam. I don't jump out of airplanes. I don't do it. I get drunk and look for a hostage. That's about as dangerous as my life got. And some of them could kick my ass. So it was, you know, so you're either tatted out doing life in Folsom or you woke up in Reno with $100,000 in cash and 12 hookers in the room. That didn't happen either. Yet. So, you know, all I did was sit in my chair day after miserable day, drinking myself to death by seconds and inches, tip of the hat to Norme, watching television, crying hysterically because they missed the word bubblegum on the $10,000 pyramid. Remember how you used to cry? I can't cry like when I, that's the one thing I miss about being drunk. You can't cry like that. No, no, no. I mean, just animal noise. Somehow it was a mating call for codependent women, though, you know, you get the strangest girls show up for that. I know several of you in the audience tonight are, you know, or I would watch Ryan's Hope and laugh hysterically because they were leaving Seneca one more time. Every once in a while I'd go to a bar. I mean, I did a few interesting things. I danced with communists in Columbia. I did some. But you know what? Basically, that's all it was, sitting in the chair, dying by seconds and inches. That's my drunk log. And I will tell you if you're new, I think for me and probably for you if you're an alcoholic like me, and I'm a person who believes there are all kinds of problem drinkers, all kinds. There's some people up here, maybe they can learn, maybe they haven't lost their arms, you know. And my book says I'm not supposed to resent them. My book says if you have a problem with alcohol and somehow can learn to drink again, my hat is off to you. I am happy for you. And you want to know why I'm happy for you? Because I don't want you to have the kind of alcoholism I have if you can help it. I don't want anybody on the face of the planet to have the kind of alcoholism I have because I have the most virulent, destructive, killing, worst case of alcoholism there is possible to get. If there are people down here, I'm all the way on the other end. I am a man who has got, you can't get it worse than me. And the book of Alcoholics Anonymous says this program is a program for people who have a problem with alcohol who want to stop, boom, and can't, boom. That's me. I wanted to stop and I couldn't. And that's the kind of problem drinker this program works for. Those without hope. Bill Wilson said that Alcoholics Anonymous is built on failure. You know, built on failure. There's probably some pretty heavy heat in this room. People with a little money, see some bad guys that kick a lot of ass, see some probably some very pretty women who've tortured a lot of men and enjoyed it, you know. But you know what? You know what newcomers? And there's one. Sounds like he's enjoying the torture. That's okay too. But you know what? You know what guys? I don't care. I don't care how heavy the heat is in here. I don't know how tough they are, how much money they got. They're all failures. They can't split a pint or they die, see, because alcohol is a pimp. Alcohol is a pimp. And everybody in this room, if you're an alcoholic like me, has been his boy or his girl, you know. You're just, you're driving over to dad's house for Thanksgiving. Just on the way. Just going to make a little stop. Alcohol says get in the car. And where's my money? You know, it's Christmas Eve and the kids bike. It's just, they didn't put that one screw in there. You just need one wrench. You just got to go to the hardware store for a second and on the way, alcohol says get in the car. Where's my money? Mom's dying of stomach cancer and you're going to be there for mom because mom's always been there for you. You're on the way to the hospital. You're going to be there. You're going to show up. You're going to do your duty. Alcohol says get in the car. Where's my money? You know, and then some nice judge or therapist sends you to ANA and alcohol becomes Barry White. Oh, who loves you, baby? I'll be good to you, baby. Those people in AA, they don't understand you, baby. Just get back in the car, baby. Alcohol's a pimp. I mean, the great thing about drinking is there are no rules. There can't be any. I mean, I can pretend I have rules, but the basic rule is, I mean, there's okay. If you're new, I believe you can work one of two things. You can work the program of recovery and Alcoholics Anonymous, the 12 steps, or you can work the program of alcoholism. And the 12 steps of alcoholism. But what you can't do is not not work a program. It's a double bind. It means you can't win. You got one choice or the other, but what you can't do is not do something. Now as I thought about that, I thought, well, what were the 12 steps I worked when I was out there drinking? This may have not been your drinking program, but this was my 12 step program. One, I declared I was in complete control of my drinking and my life was fine and dandy. Thank you very much. Two, I always knew there was no power greater than myself, but all of you needed to be restored to sanity. Three, made a decision to turn my will and my life over the care of alcohol because it was the only thing that understood me. Four, made a paranoid and immoral inventory of anybody but me. Five, admit nothing to nobody ever. Six, became entirely willing to have God punish you for all your defects of character. Seven, humbly ask him to go bug somebody else. Eight, made a list of all persons who had harmed me and became willing to take revenge upon them all. Nine, took direct revenge whenever possible. Especially when to do so would injure them and others. Ten, continued to take your inventory and when you were wrong, promptly told you so. Eleven, sought through alcohol and medication to improve my unconscious contact with myself. Praying only for what I wanted, when I wanted it, and the power to get it. And twelve, having achieved spiritual death as a result of these steps, I tried to carry this message to other alcoholics and take just as many of them with me as I could. Now, in that program, there's only one tradition. I know Clancy has a lot of them. Clancy did the traditions today. In the program of alcoholism, there's only one. Very easy workshop. Do whatever I gotta do to get through the night. Do whatever I gotta do to get the next drink. Two twelve-step programs, side by side. And I, the alcoholic, will work one, or I will work the other. But what I will not do is not not work a program. I know, honey, but I gotta talk anyway. They asked me. And you could give a better pitch than me, really. You have more brain cells than I do. But, really, that's all sobriety is, is hiding your brain damage, folks. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. Just so they don't put you in the home. Okay? The number of brain cells that were killed in this room. I mean, it's just... So, that, that, that deals. That, that, that, and my great blessing, a friend of mine who passed away, Marie Stenner, who, I'm sorry you will never get to hear her speak. She was one of the most tremendous speakers AA's ever produced. But one of the things she used to do was, she would tell me, you know, I'm going to get a job. I'm going to get a job. I'm going to get a job. I'm going to get a job. I'm going to get a job. I'm going to get a job. I'm going to get a job. I'm going to get a job. I'm going to get a job. But one of the things she used to always say is, alcoholism had drank Marie Stenner up. There was nothing left of her. And her great blessing was that God could completely rebuild with her. And I think for some of us that, you know, I had as low a bottom as I ever want to have. But she took it farther down the line. She took it farther down the road. And I think, in a sense, for those of us that maybe didn't go so far down the road, when there are still parts of us that are left over, it's harder for God to rebuild on that than ground that has been completely obliterated. And so for those of you who have gone very far down the road, you may be an empty vessel that God can use far greater than some of us who didn't. You just have to remember one thing about Alcoholics Anonymous. It's the magic kingdom. One and one equals three here. There's absolutely no reason why one drunk talking to another should do anything but get us drunk, is it? That's a bar, isn't it? One drunk talking to another is a bar. And yet something happens here. And it's unexplainable. And I can't explain it to you. I can't explain why one person gets it and another doesn't. I can't explain why. I have 21 years. I've done the work. I have a sponsor. I go to meetings. I love meetings. I love the fellowship. I love service. I love doing the steps in retrospect, usually. You know, I always enjoy a step after I've done it. And I still can't explain it to you. Marie had a wonderful line about that. She says, yes, well, when people relapse, we go, they weren't willing. The book says that people who don't get this could not or would not. Could not or would not. And for me, that says I don't judge. I don't judge why somebody gets this or not. The book says that if the people that came in, 50% get it right away, 25% get it after a time, and the other 25% get better, of those who really try, and that's the optimal phrase there, of those who really try. Coming to Alcoholics Anonymous, sitting in a room, is not trying any more than going to the gym and watching people exercise is trying. You go to the gym and watch people exercise, you're not going to lose weight. It's not a bad thing to do. It's just not going to help you get better. I got to get on the equipment. But you know, what it says there is of those who really try, those who really try, there are 25% of them that will never get permanent sobriety. It's what the big book says. Now my experience of those who really try is like 95% get it. I think that's, but you know what Marie would say about that was people say, well, he wasn't willing. He wasn't willing. He wasn't willing. And Marie would say, yes, but where does the willingness come from? Where does the willing from me? No. No. The willingness is a gift of God too, and I can't explain why I got it and somebody else doesn't. You know, I always tell people that go, well, I got this for myself. I say, well, then make your heartbeat. Make your heartbeat one more time. Make the sun come up tomorrow. Create a little oxygen. One of my favorite writers says that when you work with God, and like if you're building a wall. It's the best human nature to go, well, you know, God and I, we did it. God did that part, but that two rocks there. That's mine. And it's that human need to say, this is what I did. And it's just so much freeing to say, God's done it all. I've got to cooperate with the process. The book talks about that too, and I can't explain where that happens and where it doesn't. I think I have to some extent and haven't to some extent. I have character defects that I have not basically changed in 21 years. I have new character defects. Spiritual defects. Spiritual defects. Spiritual pride being one of them. I didn't have the character defect of spiritual pride. You would never have heard me saying when I was drinking, those normies don't have a program. You know why normal people don't have a program? They don't need one. They don't need a program. Somebody came to them when they were two years old and said, look, there's a God that loves you more than you love yourself, is obsessed with you, knows every hair on your head. Will you take that deal? And they went right on. Yes. There's a God. I think I'm going to drink a little bit. I think I'd rather throw up than accept that kind of God, darn it. One of my favorite speakers in AA who died 10 years before I ever got sober, Alan McGinnis, was an LA speaker, said that if you come and get sober, one day you're going to get everything you ever came to get in AA, or you're going to find out you're never going to get what you came to get in AA. Then why are you going to stay sober? Why are you going to stay sober? Why are you going to stay sober? Why are you going to stay sober? Why are you going to stay sober? And I stay sober, I guess for a number of reasons. I love AA. I love my life. But I stay sober because I don't want to go back to that world. And if you're new, I can say for you, I think, if you're an alcoholic like me, what I say for myself, if you drink again, we can predict with almost absolute certainty what will happen to you. I know I can predict with absolute certainty what's going to happen to me. Insanity, death, horrible things destroying every loving relationship in my life, and mean to i'm not a bad person i think alcoholics my mother was an alcoholic she loved me as much as a mother could love a child she just couldn't do anything about her alcoholism because she didn't have the facts one of the things i've learned from my inventory process is most of the harm i did was unintentional i mean i've actually set out to hurt some people but most of my thought you know we don't intend to hurt we don't intend to kill anybody in a car accident when we're going for another bottle that's not our intention we just need another drink they just happen to be in the crosswalk and that that's what can happen if i drink again i'll take your grandmother out i won't mean to not my intention i'm not a bad person i'm just somebody well actually that is one of the lies they tell you in aa you know you know if you knew they lie to you here they tell you they don't lie that's a lie they're all liars guys remember the thing you have to remember about old-timers is they're alcoholics i forget this about them in this committee i was on there was a woman in it i completely forgot she was an alcoholic like i don't know what the hell she was doing on an aa committee just some nice person that dropped in to help i just went up to her finally i said you know i because i just met her i said i just have a hard time relating to you as an alcoholic then she told me your story so you have to remember that those of us have been around that we're not well or we wouldn't be here in fact i've never met an old timer yet that isn't severely hacked somewhere inside of them when i got sober it was wonderful you'd see one old timer trying to fight another old time over gratitude punctuation in a big book you know i can get over there you know it's true now newcomers if you really want to mess with old-timers because alcoholics anonymous is the most rigid program on the face of the earth okay we don't like to think that we want to think we're alcoholics we're bohemians it's the baptists it's the republicans the democrats the kiowans they are rigid no we're more rigid than them now if you don't think this is true i'm going to give you a couple tests you'll find out but this is one of the places they asked me to go speak in lock and yada at a noon meeting one time and they give chips out there right now this and what i love two things i love about this meeting i drove in the parking lot there's some guy talking to another guy and he's like oh you're talking to a another guy with the big book open on a truck bed back there i went wow this is a good meeting the other thing i like about this meeting is you have all different kinds of ages in here right because the problem with la is you can go to a meeting where they're just like you if you're old they're all old if you're young they're all young you know and i love meetings in la where we have because where i got sober in south carolina that it was just all kinds of ages you know and that's the one great thing about la and one of the the bad things about la is that there's so many meetings you can go and not have to learn to get along with others that's what i love about conventions they always remind me my home group is not just aa there's a whole lot of else aa going on out there because basically for us aa is our home group you know and i i need to know that i'm connected i need to know that in fact it was very funny getting sober sober in uh south carolina uh they were all retired sergeant majors there's a little place there called fort jackson it's a basic training center which meant all the old-timers were retired sergeant majors then these were people who didn't care about your feelings they never had a feeling why should you they went through ww2 without a feeling why should you and they just loved little college white educated boys like myself you know suburb i was sharing one day and some little guy stuck his little bony finger in my chest and he went steve if it's your mother's fault you're drinking why ain't she waking up sick i haven't got an answer yet for 21 years i've tried to come up with an answer and if i ever do i'm going to dig that guy up this is why because listen guys i blame my mother for my and it had something yeah i why let me just say this i'm very interested in why i love why why why why why why why why a is kind of an anti-why don't ask why don't need to know why bill wilson didn't know why dr bob didn't know why lois knew why it's an alan on question you know and i you know great if you don't need to know why god bless you you probably have a more thing like me i love to know why why why why why why but you know what why i drank does me no good while i'm drinking while you're drinking why will do you no good on sobriety you can explore why all you want And I have lots of reasons, probably growing up in an alcoholic. I love people who say, now, I always understand people who say, there's no alcohol in my family, don't know how I'm an alcoholic. And people like me that say, alcohol, I'm all over the family. I guess, you know, I got it, you know. But the ones I never understand is, yeah, everybody in my family who is an alcoholic has nothing to do with my alcoholism. So apple trees don't make apples. What the hell is that about? Of course it has something to do with my alcoholism. I'm not blaming anybody. You know, my mother solved her problems like doing this. I'm a little kid. I'm not stupid. I do this. See, I'm an alcoholic, guys. I take four 12 ounces of ethyl alcohol. It goes down my throat. It hits my stomach and the sun rises. It paralyzes my legs. It comes up my chest. It flushes my face. It goes out my fingers and every pore in my body goes. You're jonesing, aren't you? Your sphincter is a little tighter. A little sweat on your lip, because you know what I did? I woke him up, didn't I? Ah, ah, yeah, I know it's an AA meeting. Let's get the hell out of here and go find. Ah, does he talk to you? He talks to me all the time. He talks to me all the time. You're a very good person. You're a very good person. You have just one drink. You have just one drink. One drink. Let's just have one drink. Let's have one drink. Let's have, what's a Zima? What is a Zima? Zima, the only drink I've seen fascinate old timers. I've literally seen an old timer talking to a newcomer. Newcomer, show me how to do the steps. Okay, you tell me about Zima. I'll show you the steps, all right? Okay, okay, no Zima. Let's have a non-alcoholic beer. Now, I don't have any opinion about that. I guess plenty of people drink them. I don't, you're sober if you want to be. I don't drink them. I don't drink them, because for me to drink a non-alcoholic beer is for me to go to a house of prostitution just to listen to the piano player. See, I'm gonna tell myself I'm just going for the Bach, the Mozart. I'll get a room, okay? So, so, you know. Now, if you're new, he talks to you just a little differently than he talks to me. He says things like, I really, I just think we should listen to her the whole hour. We'd be much better off. Okay, ooh, cool, she's just cool. And you know what I love about that? And this is not only being an alcoholic, but coming in an alcoholic home, and my mother was a wonderful woman when she wasn't drinking. You know, she doesn't have to worry about giants being intoxicated in her world, you know? They say one thing about kids that grow up in alcoholics' homes, they would lie when it's just as easy to tell the truth. You know why we do that? You do not tell a drunk giant anything they don't want to hear. Drunk giant tells you that two and two equals five, you tell him two and two equals five, because you, the only thing you're trying to do is not get hurt. You know? And I heal, I heal. You know, I have, my mother died of alcoholism, and I heal every time I see a child give their mother a cake, you know? My father abandoned the family, my biological father, I heal every time I see a father come back. And I know I've had a spiritual experience, because without it, if your mother gave you a cake, and my mother didn't give me one, I'd sit there and go, how come their mother gets to do that? And yet, when your mother does it, it is like my mother. And I can't explain that. You've got to stay here. One day, you're going to get sober, and somebody's going to come in the meeting, and they're going to get a year, and you're going to be in your seat, and you're going to be as happy for them as if it was you. It's not your best friend. It's just somebody that you care about. And all of a sudden, you're going to realize, I never felt that before. My whole life, I just never felt something for somebody else that had nothing to do with me. New freedom in New Hampshire. And we could. We could benefit from her coup, and she coups because she's safe. She's safe in this room, you know? I love kids in AA meetings. They just run to all of you. They've never heard your fifth step, you know? They go, oh, no! So I have to tell you, Alcoholics Anonymous being the most rigid organization in the world, I digress a lot. But I went to Zlock and Yonamine. They give out chips, right? They give out a 30-day chip. There's a nice lady down front. She's 42, 43. She's got 29 days. She raises her hand and says, I don't have 30 days, but I got 29. Could I take a chip a day early? You'd have thought she farted. Oh, my god. These people went crazy. No, you can't take a chip, because we'll have grasshoppers. And plus. And legs. And boils. And we'll all die. And it'll be horrible if you take a chip one second early. This from a group of people who went out for a pack of cigarettes Halloween in costume. Didn't show up till January 3rd. Still in costume, you know? Snappy little nun on the front and hooker on the back outfit, that one. See, we get very rigid in sobriety. I told that story to a guy who told me he was in a clubhouse like this. This is all I have now. And they were trying to run the clubhouse by the traditions. And they were trying to figure out whether to put a soda machine in the clubhouse. Now, they argued about this for six hours. And any of you who've ever been on an AA committee know what I'm talking about. They have a saying in AA, if you love everybody, you haven't been going to enough meetings. I've expanded that. If you love everybody, you're going to enough meetings, and you haven't been on enough committees. So finally, pro contra, pro contra, pro contra. They'd vote, and they'd go, OK, we can have a soda machine. And now this guy, who's like the kind of alcoholic I love, raises his hand and says, Mr. Chairman, there is an issue we have not discussed. The chairman goes, what? He says, I like Pepsi. And he knew what was going to happen. The chairman was going to come out, because now he knew another six hours, Pepsi, Coke, Akron, New York, Bill, Bob. It was just going to go on forever. So if you're new, I suggest next time with this group, you get on the picnic committee. And next time you're there, and then you go stand up committee, meeting goes. And then you go, you raise your hand, and you go, Mr. Chairman, Ms. Chairman, I'd like to move the picnic tables over there this year. I'll tell you what's going to happen. It's going to get very quiet. And the oldest of the old timers is going to get up on their 4 foot 2 height in their walker and go, we don't move the picnic tables here at the Paramount Speakers Group. Bill Wilson had potato salad right there. Broke a little wind right over there. If it's good enough for them, it's good enough for you, young'un. Most rigid organization on the face of the Earth. Having 21 years, I'm not an old timer. I'm just in the old timer training program, where they teach you. They say things like, didn't have 12 steps when I got sober. Had 39. Didn't have chairs, we sat on rocks. Didn't have coffee, we drank fungus. Very hard program. Let me just tell you something, if you're new. This is the greatest time in the history of AA to be a member of AA, OK? I am tired of being places where it was better before I got there. Apparently, this country was better before I was born, right? Apparently, AA's golden age has not passed. These are your good old days. There were benefits then, and there are benefits now, you know? But this is the greatest time in the history of AA to be a member of AA. And the very same program that was in Akron in 35 is in this room tonight. And we use different language. Take phrases, come and go. Issues is a phrase, you know. But you know, in the 50s, all the people in AA were having identity crises. You know, we don't have those anymore. And it just comes and goes. But AA stays. AA stays, and there's always people that will maintain it. I got to tell you, this is a great program. They do lie to you. I just want to tell you, they do lie, newcomers. I lie to newcomers all the time. They call me up, ring, ring, ring, 430 in the morning, right? Because they had the crisis at 9. She broke his heart at 9. But he's going to do it on his own till 430. Then he needs to talk to me. And I sponsor really neat guys. They say, well, how could I not fight with her so much? And I say things like, well, I think if you don't say, look, bitch, the fight will go better. And they kind of look at me, not really believing I'm telling them the truth. They're kind of going, you really? If I don't say, look, bitch, well, really? It'll go better? Really? I said, don't talk about her mother either. It's not good. And they go, well, if I don't say that, what should I say? I said, maybe, look, honey, how about sweetheart? You're out of your mind. Stuff won't work. So they call me up at 4 o'clock in the morning, me, me, me, me, my, my, my, my, they, they, they, they, me, me, me, me, my, my, my, my, they, they, they, they, me, me, me, me, my, my, my, my, they, they. And if you're new, do not. Do not feel bad. That's every alcoholic in this room. I would love to videotape everybody when they come into AA so when they speak in the international, we show on the big, big screen, me, me, me, me, my, my, my, my. Is this being taped? Then I won't mention that person's name. But there are people, people who've been here recently. Wouldn't you like to see them? Even maybe this afternoon. Me, me, me, me, my, my, my, my, my. All of us. It was all of us. So here's what I do. Me, me, me, me, my, my, my, my, they, they, they, they won't. Invite me to the party. I don't want to go to. Me, me, me, me, my, my, my, my, they, they. And I go, read page 19. Click. I don't know what's on 19. I haven't read 19 in months. 10 minutes later, ring. Thank you so much. 19 saved my life. By God, you're the greatest sponsor on the face of the Earth. Click. So then I have to read 19, you know? Find out what I said so I can take a little credit for it. So this is how crazy this program is. The thing they don't explain to you here, and I'm going to do this very quickly. For those of you on tape, that pause, was because the very tall and good-looking speaker walked away from the microphone. What are you laughing at? They're laughing because it's so true. Anyway, all right, so they give you this god, right? We have this weird god. My spiritual grandmother, Alabama, used to always say that. You're not a bad person trying to get good. You're a sick person trying to get well. Lie. That's a big lie. Let me explain that to you. If you're not a bad person trying to get good, but just a sick person trying to get well, how come you got to do a moral inventory? Last time I left, heart patients weren't doing moral inventories. Last time I left, people with sugar diabetes weren't going, Fred, when you're out of town, I slept with Ethel, I won't do it anymore. Let's do moral inventories because some of the stuff I did drinking, I didn't mean to, was pretty crappy. And every once in a while, some of the stuff I do sober is pretty crappy. And living with it will kill me. The wrongdoings of others, fancied or real, have the actual power to kill someone like me. I will destroy you. I will destroy you. I will destroy you. I will destroy you. I will destroy my car, proving to you, you can't tell me what to do. This is about nine, you know? They also say there's no Chiefs and Alcoholics Anonymous, there's only Indians. That's a lie. This is what AA is. AA is all chiefs pretending to be Indians so they don't die with a big fat liver out to here. Because the physics are, right now, is this room is not big enough for the egos that are presently in this room. So they give you all this force step. And I was going to say earlier, we talked about that I only know how to bury, bury underneath or dominate you. See, one of the things I learned in the inventory, it says I only have basically four character defects. Selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened. And I love that because it's so simple, and I have a very complex world, and I like simple. Now, I'll tell you what dishonest means. Dishonest means I lie. I wasn't there. I know, you have videotape. Your sister was there too, but I wasn't there. That's just, but you know where else it's dishonest? You know also how I found out through the inventory process? I hurt my feelings. You say something, and either you mean to hurt my feelings or I think you do. And you know what I do? I just don't talk to you anymore. I mean, I'll say hello and how are you, but you're dead man walking. You're not leading my meeting. You're not coming to my house. If I'm leading the meeting, your hand can freeze off if it's a participation meeting. You're not getting on the podium. And you know how that's dishonest? I've never gone through, talked to my sponsor, talked about the resentment, figured out what I need to do, and come to you and say, look, this bothered me. What can we do? I never give you another chance. You're just dead. And you know what? You can run out of people really quick that way. I love people in A who goes, I haven't got any time for people who are bullshit. Then you have no time for anybody else, including yourself. Because all of us are incredibly full of caca any amount of the day. That's what being a human being is, full of caca a good deal of the day. You know? We are perfectly imperfect, and that's what I hate. See, I have this thing in the back of my head. If I do the steps long enough, I'm going to get OK. And in my case, this may not be your case. Because see, many of you thought you were too good for AA. That seems to be, I really didn't think I was good enough. I didn't think you'd let me in. I didn't think I could belong. I never think I was too good for AA. I just didn't think I could ever belong. And you guys have done so much for that. But I'm just going to tell you one story. OK, this is that stinking rotten 10 step, because the hardest thing in the world is for an alcoholic to admit they're rude. You know, and it's really crazy. I talked to somebody about this tonight that was beating themselves up. I said, we have a program, 12 steps. One of them says, and when wrong, right there on the board. It doesn't even like, you can't go to any other church and when wrong, you know, you go anywhere. And we got it right there. And when wrong, not like if, when. Because I'm wrong many times. And so here's something to do. So I used to work at this church. I had gone back to church because the Dirty Rotten Stinking Book suggested it. And I usually do what the Dirty Rotten Stinking Book suggests. And I was working there. And I was going to church on a Sunday, but it was football season. And even God doesn't go to church on Sunday in the football season, but I was going to go. Now, there are only a couple of legal drugs in AA, white sugar, caffeine, and tobacco. I'm going to abuse those as long as I possibly can. And so what I don't like, instant coffee. And that's what they got at those churches, instant. So you know, I like to get that brewed. So I stopped at 7-Eleven to put down, and put down my 15 cents or 60 cents or whatever it is, because I hate to wait in lines. The 13 item line is a place of great spiritual growth for us. And so I was walking out. And as soon as I was walking out, this guy was coming through the door. And I realized, oh, I forgot to put my money down. And now this isn't Hollywood. Right? So I rolled down the window. He goes, I'm sorry. I forgot to put my money down. I gave it to him. And he went, . Already he's pissing me off, you know. I'm born in the country. I got booked, because he's here 10 minutes. He's got a 7-Eleven, you know. But I'm just so ticked. And you know, the red veil came down. And I was there before I was there. And I got out of the car. I said, just being kind and loving and all my affairs. Hey, you, come here. He said something. I said something. He said something. Because I realized this guy was accusing me of stealing. He didn't know I was an alcoholic sober nine years. He didn't know I was on to church with dirty, rotten, stinking normal people. And I was trying to be good. He thought I stole this cup of coffee. Most important thing in the world. He'd not think I steal this cup of coffee. He said something. I said something. Finally, I couldn't get away. I pulled the alcoholic trump card. I want to talk to the manager. He said, I'm the manager. Now I'm screwed. OK. So I want to kill him for this. So I go back to my car. Now on the front seat of my car is my Bible. Now I have a prop. More dangerous than a drinking alcoholic is an alcoholic with a prop. I get my Bible. I go back in that store. He's on the other end. He looks. I say, hey, you. He turns around and I go, I told you I didn't steal that cup of coffee. Obviously, I did not call my sponsor. There was no cell phones. And his eyes get big around. And he goes, oh, yeah, crazy man has nice leather book. That's nice. Bye bye. Bye bye. So I go to church. And the dirty, rotten, stinking pastor is telling something like a dirty, rotten, stinking A8 bitch. And I know I got to work the dirty, rotten, stinking 10th step or die with a big, fat liver out to here. He's going to give me 24 hours I don't have to apologize. Give me 48 hours. It's your fault. And I will die if I do not promptly. So I drive back to that 7-Eleven. I walk in there. And I walked out 6 foot 8. I walk in 4 foot 6. Lollipop kill, the lollipop kill, you know. His eyes get big around. He goes, oh, crazy man back. I must have done something very bad in previous life, bad karma. And I walked up to him. And I've said what I've said a million times in sobriety. I'm sorry for saying what I said the way I said it. He said, that's all right. Don't worry about it. Now, I used to go to that church. I used to sit around with him. His name was Sam. I'm like his wife was having a baby every other day. But we'd sit around and drink 7-Eleven coffee and scratch and lie. And I had a relationship with Sam because I was an alcoholic who worked the dirty, rotten, stinking 10 step, whether I wanted to or not, and 1 and 1 equals 3. He was no longer just the guy that sold me my coffee at 7-Eleven. He was Sam. Because I was out of line. And I did what the program suggested. And my father died in my first year of sobriety, the greatest man I've ever met. And I could not care for him. It was fun in that room. Care for him. And I didn't have the amend to make. And I used to go to county general. One day, there was a guy in there who looked just like my dad. And I was able to make that amend because 1 and 1 equals 3. I don't know what you're carrying in sobriety. But if you give it to your daddy, I know guys whose kids still won't talk to him. And they have hundreds of sons and alcoholics and others. I know mothers who have daughters, brothers who have sisters, uncles. This is a wonderful family to have. And your father will never let you down if you're really trying. I really appreciate you asking me here. 21st question on 20 questions. If you're opening a fifth, do you throw away the top? Then you're an alcoholic. Last story. Third step story. This is the kind of God we have here. Drunk's on his way home. He's sick. He's hurting. He's been on a run. On his way home, he runs into God. God's got something in his hand. The drunk goes, what's that? God goes, this? This is sobriety. And the drunk goes, oh, man, I'm hurting. I need that. How much does it cost? And God goes, well, how much you got? And the drunk goes, well, I got about $50. And God goes, OK, for you, sobriety costs $50. And the drunk, trying to back out of the deal, goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, if I give you all $50, I don't want to have any gas for my car. And God goes, oh, you have a car. Sobriety is going to cost you your car. And they go, whoa, whoa, if I give you my car, how am I going to get my job? God goes, oh, you have a job. You don't have a job. Sobriety is going to cost you your job. He says, whoa, if I give you that, how am I going to pay for my house? He says, you have a house? I thought you were in the cardboard box down by the railroad tracks. No, no, no, no, sobriety costs you your house. He said, well, if I give you that, what about my wife and my kids? A family, you have a family. No, no, sobriety costs you your family. The drunk goes, well, if I give you all that, what good is my life? And his father looks at him and says, that's right. Yeah, thank you, that's an amen. Sobriety costs you your life. Because the drunk is at that magic moment of surrender, he's willing to give his daddy his car and his house and his wife and his kids and his job, his money, his life. His father looks him in the eye and says, all right, I'll give you sobriety. And I'm going to give you your money back. It's not your money anymore. It's my money. But you get to spend it for me. Give your car back. It's not your car anymore. It's my car. You get to drive it back. Give your job back. It's not your job anymore. It's my job. You get to work it for me. Give your home back. It's not your home anymore. It's my home. You're going to live in it for me. Give your family back. But based on your behavior, they have a right never to talk to you again. But I'm giving them back to you because it's not your family. It's mine. And you're going to take care of them for me. I give you your life back, and it's never your life ever again. It's my life. But you're going to live it for me. That's the deal that a loving God creates with every alcoholic in this room, and they're just willing enough to turn over something they could never manage in the first place. Thanks for letting me share it with you. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.