Tried Mushrooms, Mountains, and Sound Baths — My Spiritual Awakening Was Already in the Pause – Danielle C.

One, two, a one, two, three. Let's have an AA meeting. My name is Misty and I am an alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday 8 p.m. Blue Chip Speakers Meeting at the NAVA Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they established their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-fulfilling accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aabloochipspeakers.org will hear our speaker and we will hear their story. Thank you. We believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I am one of them too. I must have this thing. Tonight's speaker is Danielle from the Early Birds Group in Noonan. Hi, I'm Danielle. I'm an alcoholic. Thank you for having me. So I am a little nervous. A minute ago somebody used to ask me if I was used to doing public speaking and I was like, yeah, that's not why I'm nervous though. I'm nervous because I'm not used to speaking about myself. I really don't like it and it's not because I'm humble or whatever. It's just I've just gone. I've gone through my life thinking I had no value and nothing to add. I'm a people pleaser who just kind of likes to go with whatever's going on. I can chameleon to any situation. But when I'm talking at work, I know what I'm talking about. When I'm talking myself, everybody's like, it's your story, you know it. But I'm like, but I don't know myself that much. And that's kind of what I'm going through in this program. My sobriety date is April 4th of 2022. So I'm just coming up on two years. Yeah, my drinking career is unremarkable, but it's very long. I started, I'm 47. I started drinking when I was 18. I was like 14. And like my, you know, everybody else, my first drink story was like, you know, I was hanging out with a friend. She brought in a Mountain Dew bottle full of rum. I drank probably all of it. And I remember distinctly having this moment because I've always been socially anxious, even with friends. And I remember having this moment looking at her and being like, I feel so good. And I'm like, I don't know. I'm like talking and I'm funny and she's laughing. And then I don't remember anything else. I don't remember anything else. And I woke up in a totally different. Room and it totally from part of the house throwing up. And I guess she thought it was pretty serious because she got her mom and she brought me in there and my mom took me home, whatever. No one ever mentioned it. They're like, oh, you're really lethargic. You must have the flu or something. I was like, okay. Yeah. I remember it being like one of the best experiences in my life. It was also pretty bad. It was like one of the worst experiences. I felt like shit, but I felt like I was like on something, you know, everybody says this part of the story. Like I, I discovered something that was going to help me get through this part of my life. So, you know, high school. I was on, I, you know, parties happen and drinking was a really normal part of the culture. I drank a lot. There was always a party. There was always, I had a fake ID when I was 14. I was the one to buy the beer for everybody else. I would got into clubs and I did a lot of wild things, uh, much before my time. And I don't know what my parents were because they, they weren't, I was the youngest of two, so they weren't paying attention, but I drank around them too. I don't come from a family of alcoholics. My parents are not alcoholics. Um, they do, did drink, you know, at dinner every night, they had two glasses of wine, whatever. I grew up thinking. Like drinking alcohol was sophisticated and cool. And when I was young, I had, you know, older cousins and they would like send me into the kitchen to get beer and I'd bring it to them and I thought it was cool. So once I got in on the action, you know, I had the brief moment of like, I'm feeling cool, but I didn't really care that much about like being cool. I just wanted to feel okay. So that's kind of what, what was happening there. So I didn't think anything, I didn't drink any more than anybody else did at that time. It didn't seem like it did, but I probably did. Um, looking back on it, I skipped school. You know what I mean? My, my one friend skipped school a lot and would drink on the beach and everything just started to become centered around drinking. And, um, you know, I stopped playing sports and started drinking more, but throughout, you know, my life, it was kind of like that. College was like that too. I mean, just kind of went through, but I always maintained what I was supposed to be doing. I got good grades and I got a good job and I kept those jobs and I just kept climbing up the ranks at work and whatever. It never seemed to be interfering with my life outwardly. Um, of course it was all. And, you know, interfering with my life inwardly, but I didn't care because it made me feel good in situations where I felt really uncomfortable. And, you know, I would be, you know, the kind of person who never wanted to go to a social event, but I'd be like offended if I wasn't invited. But then I would go and I have to have a couple of drinks now in the life of the party. So people think that I'm like super extroverted and I'm not very, very introverted. And I started noticing, you know, this went on for all these years, whatever, whatever. It's very unremarkable. Um, I've got a lot of, you know, stories like everyone else and, and dumb, dumb, very dumb things. I put myself in really dangerous situations on many, many occasions. And by the grace of God, nothing really tragic ever happened to me. And I'm very thankful for that. I don't know why something was watching over me. Very tragic things didn't happen because I did a lot of extremely irresponsible and very dumb things. But even very recently, you know, where I would, we were, I would spend a lot of time with friends, have a drink during that time, everybody happy and having a good time. And, and I would think I'm having a good time. Good time. And then the next day I would feel terrible and not because I drank too much. There was that too, but I would feel very lonely. I was feeling very disconnected. And I realized that as I was having all of this, what I thought was fun and social activity, I was never forming any actual connections with anyone because I was just hiding myself through the person that I was when I was drunk, which was a very different person than I was when I wasn't drunk. So I never felt like I belonged anywhere. I didn't feel like I belonged in my family. I didn't feel like I belonged at church. I didn't feel like I belonged at school. I've never really felt like I belonged anywhere. And so I actually drank a lot the most with my family as I got older because I didn't want them to like know who I was. Oh, by the way, I'm gay. So that was a big part of it. So I grew up Catholic. I went to Catholic school my entire life from preschool all the way to through college. And, and I don't know when I figured out I was gay. I don't, I don't even know. I think it was always there. But that was a reason why I never felt like I belonged. And I wanted to hide from my family and from the church. And I really wanted to be part of the church. Like I would go and I would like kneel down and say the prayers and do the thing. And I became an altar girl, even though that wasn't a thing. I like really wanted to be part of it. But they didn't want me to be part of it at some point. You know, I was always looking for like my thing. Like where is it that I belong? So I'd pick out the thing. I would go scuba diving. Oh, I'm a scuba diver. I'm going to do that. Or, oh, I'm a mountain climber. I'm going to go do that. Or, oh, I ski. I'm going to go do that. So I did a lot of really fun things. But I never found like my tribe because I was just jumping from thing to thing. I moved a lot. I changed schools. I went abroad. Like I was always moving around looking for my thing. And I never could find it. And I always knew that I had this like spiritual deficit. You know, I wanted so badly to fill that. But I didn't feel welcome in my church. And I had a couple of experiences throughout my life that even if I weren't gay, I think I still would have been refracted from it. And, you know, I had three experiences that informed that. One was in first grade. I had a nun, like one of those like Sister Gerard nuns, you know, sit in the corner nuns. And I remember she was talking about heaven. And I was like, oh, cool, heaven. And she said only Catholics are going to go to heaven. And I remember being in first grade and I remember raising my hand and being like, well, like what? Like what if you were born in Africa and like you didn't happen to be born into the Catholic family like I was and people aren't going to go to heaven? And I got a very unsatisfying answer to that question. And so in first grade, I was like, that doesn't seem right. That doesn't seem fair. It doesn't seem like it could be the system. That's not, that's not the system. Anyway, I continue on it. In eighth grade, I had this religion teacher and I really despise this man. Animals don't think, love, or decide. And I was like, I don't think that's true. I think animals are just as valuable as people. And he's like, nope. And it was very much like man is dominion over the earth type thing. And I was like, I don't, I, that makes me feel so disconnected from everything. I really don't. I don't. I don't think that that could be true. Like, it just doesn't seem right. Like, if God made the earth, I'm like, the animals are part of us. And so that, that didn't sit well with me. And so I'm just like, I can't, I can't figure it out. I can't like find my place where this, any of this makes sense. Now I'm in college and I'm in a college religion class and I'm reading St. Augustine's Confessions, which is about a guy who goes and finds himself in the world and discovers religion kind of on his own. And I'm like, yes. That's, that's me. I want to do that. I'm going to go do that. So I wrote this paper about how I'm going to go out and like find religion. And, and I got an F on the paper and called into the priest's office and sat down. And this is also the beginning of my distaste for the patriarchy, by the way. But, and I was told like, that's not for you to do. You read the book. You're listening to the teachings of the church. Just do what you're supposed to do. It was basically just on my own. It was a much longer meeting than that. But I was like, that's bullshit. Like, I want to be able to go through my own way. Why am I just doing this thing because everybody's telling me to do it? I'm not, I'm, it's not, I'm not connecting with it at all. And so I basically kind of turn away from it at this point. This is also when I come out. And life was not super kind to me when I came out. You know, I had people who didn't want to be my roommate anymore. I had people who, you know, yelled mean things to me on the street when I was going into a certain show or at a parade or whatever. And so I just became more and more, more like this. Politics and media and religion, whatever, we see some things. And I just completely turned away from religion and all the things about it, including spirituality. I didn't separate those two things. And I was like, I became more bigoted against Christians. And Christians never were of me, I'll tell you that. Like, if I saw somebody with a cross on their neck or in their house, I didn't want to hear what they had to say. I just was so afraid that they were going to judge me and make, like, that I just, I was, like, removing myself from them, which was very uncomfortable for me because I like to think that I'm an open-minded person. But I became very closed-minded on this topic. I spent the next, you know, however many years, decades, totally closed off to the idea of religion. And, of course, this is when my drinking ramps up because now I'm, like, I'm searching for something. I'm searching for my thing. I'm searching for, like, something to fill my spiritual bucket. And, you know, but still, I feel like I'm drinking the same amount as everybody else around me. Like, and I guess we, you know, birds of a feather. You know, so I'm not, I'm not seeing a problem. And I'm not seeing a problem. I'm holding down a job. I don't get a DUI. I'm not, you know, having dysfunction in my family. Nobody says anything to me, ever. Like, that you drink too much. Or, like, you were embarrassing. Or you said this thing. Or you passed out and we had to pick you up. Those things happened. No one ever said anything to me about it. And most of the stuff I really didn't remember. So I couldn't really, like, I mean, I was a blackout drinker. I mean, and I was a lightweight, too. Could have a couple drinks sometimes and just, like, psh. I think that it's so wonderful. Wanted to tune out. And so, and I never thought that was fun. Like, the next day, people were like, oh, we did this thing. And I don't remember. And I was always like. And when I had children, they would tell me I said or did something the night before. I didn't remember. It really wasn't funny. So this is when I kind of start realizing maybe I have a problem. So then I would start to really, like, count how many days separate am I. Not so much from drinking, but from that, like, feeling of embarrassment. Or that feeling of loss of control. Or that feeling of my inability. Then I decided I was going to kind of put it all together. And that's when the shit really hit the fan. And my family life started to deteriorate a little bit. I've got a wife and two kids. Things weren't going super well. And my wife says I'm not feeling super connected. Instead of me saying, oh, great, let's connect more. I was like, ooh. I don't know how to do that. Like, I've never learned the vocabulary for how to connect more. How to explain my feelings. Or how to talk about stuff. Just, that wasn't part of my family. That wasn't part of my growing up. And whatever talking I did when I was drunk, I don't remember. So I'm not capable of doing that. So I just, like, I really pulled back, pulled back. Around the same time, one of my really good friends went through a fairly public embarrassment situation that had nothing to do with alcohol. And then he went to rehab. And, of course, everybody's like, you know, that's what people do. When they get in trouble, they go to rehab to fix it. But it turned out he actually was an alcoholic. And when he came back. He told me about it. I was like, oh, wow, tell me more about that. And then I offered to be, like, his accountability partner or something. I was trying to, like, ride on his coattails. Like, figure this thing out. Like, what is this AA thing? So I didn't really know anything about it. And, of course, and he was somebody who used to spend every Sunday with his family for godless waffles. When everybody else was at church, we were having godless waffles. He came back talking about the religion. And I was like, oh, God, like, what happened? You got converted? But I was, like, super into it. Because he changed from a broken man to, like, a godless man. To this, like, really inspiring person. Like, I want to be part of that. But then he moved and whatever. And, you know, we kind of went our separate ways. So I'm kind of back out on my own. Figuring out what to do. And I'm so desperate for the spiritual thing. So I'm taking mushrooms. I'm going to take mushrooms. I'm going to have this psychedelic experience. I'm going to see God. I'm going to see inside me. I'm going to see all the information. And I'm, like, obsessed with it. And I go to some place. I go to some, like, Burning Man-style festival. And, like, take a bunch of mushrooms. And that doesn't happen. But I have a really good time. So then I decide I'm going to become, like, this hippie. But, like, a little bit is in my soul. So, I mean, that's, some of that is legit. But I'm not, like, a super hippie. But I, so I get into yoga. Now this is my thing. Yoga and meditation. And I'm going to be part of the universe. So I start doing all this. And I go to this sound bath at the local yoga, awful. And then all of a sudden. I have this, like, out-of-body, completely sober psychedelic experience that lasted about 30 seconds because I was so excited about it, I wanted to tell everybody about it, and I came right out. But I have this, like, moment where I was, like, I felt my body on the floor, but I was not in it. And I felt this joy. So now I'm, like, oh, my God, I need to have this all the time. I need all. And so, you know, this is still part of my mushroom time. This is also during the time where, like I said, my life was falling apart. My family life was falling apart. My marriage was falling apart. And I wasn't drinking, so I was really patting myself on the back. I'm, like, I'm not drinking. And instead of seeking, you know, validation and comfort in alcohol, I put that on a person. And I became, and this person was very bad for me. So to kind of get out of that for a little while and clear my head, me and my best friend from growing up decided to go to this, like, hippy-gippy spa in Austin. And we go to the spa. And I'm, like, oh, my God, I'm going to have this, like, spiritual experience. And we go out in Austin and we get shit-faced the first night and, like, totally, like, out of control. Like, we're, like, I'm passed, like, throwing up and passed out before dinner. I get back up and rally. We go to some bar. We meet these strangers. I've got their credit card. I'm, like, we're supposed to be on this, like, spiritual experience. So I decide to, like, pull it back together. And my friend continues to drink through all of her massages. And I go to all the sound baths. And I go to this thing. It's called Shia Dara, I think it's called. And I go to this thing. It's called Shia Dara, I think it's called. The yoga teacher is, like, you've got to do this thing. It's, like, where they take this oil and they drip it on your head for an hour. And it does sound like torture. I'm in. So I do it and, like, something, like, crazy happens me during this time. I don't know, five minutes before. And none of this was on my mind, but I was pregnant. I was pregnant with twins and I lost one of them super, super late. And I never processed. I had a period of indigestion, the Percocet after that. But very brief. It's just one of those things that was in my life, and I just never dealt with it. I have the ashes in my closet. They're still there. None of this is on my mind, though. This is like 10 years earlier. It's not on my mind what's going into the drip you're doing. I have this thing, and I go into this deep state. I have a conversation, natural, just normal, and it is exactly what I needed. I didn't know that I needed it. It wasn't even on my radar. I came out of that feeling so in touch, not even myself, just like everything. I was like, oh, I have access to this thing. It wasn't sad. It was so great. I'm like, I now just feel like I can access whatever it is that's out there that's upsetting me or that I feel disconnected from, that I never had a chance to connect with this person, and I'm able to do that. I felt in a way that I'd never been connected to anyone or anything. I'm walking out of that, and I just start noticing things, like one single leaf. I swear to God, there was no tree out for me. One single leaf just comes right down in front of my face. I look, and a hawk comes right in front of my face and lands on a branch and sits right here. I'm like, oh, my heavens. This is what I wanted. I don't even have any money. I start being able to see these things. I'm like, okay, this is what I'm looking for. Of course, then I take that to the extreme. Now I'm looking for signs everywhere I go. I'm looking at mountains. Is there anything written in the mountains? Is there anything written in the mountains? I'm listening. Is the bird telling me? I go on this canoe trip with my friend. We're in the middle of nowhere for five days. I'm just searching. I'm looking for the burning bush. I saw a burning bush type thing, though. We're going on this hike, and deep, deep in the desert, there's no trail. We're coming across. We're on our way back, and I see this beautiful bush. I'm like, oh, my God, look at that beautiful bush. I'm smelling the bush. We're making pictures by the bush. We're admiring the bush. I'm like, wow. If we had not turned around and backed, we'd be stuck in the middle of the desert somewhere. It was just another example to me of it's all around me. If you just look and pay attention, it's just all around me. All you have to do is pay attention. I go home, and I've completely deteriorated my life. I did something that she asked me not to do. She told me it was a deal breaker, and I did it anyway. It just tanked me. This was my bottom. I never really hit a drinking bottom. I hit a life bottom. I hit this life bottom, I think, because all my alcoholic behaviors were being just put into these other things. I mean, I wasn't super drinking a lot at the time, but it was the same behaviors. A day or two later, I had to go to D.C. for a work trip. I was on a three-day management retreat. All I had was work suits. Somehow, I ended up on the phone with a friend who I told you went to AA. He went to treatment and was in AA, and I wanted to ride his coattails. I don't know how I ended up on the phone with him. I don't know how I ended up on the phone with him. I don't know how I ended up on the phone with him. I don't know if he called me or I called him. It was 7 o'clock in the morning. I'm in D.C. I'm on the train platform, and he says to me, just give up. And I was like, okay, I'm going to step in front of the train. I mean, it was bad. I was ready to step in front of the train. And he's like, no, just give up. And I was like, okay, I don't have another choice. So I did, and that eventual treatment, you're going to go right from here. You're not even going to go home. And I didn't even say, I don't have clothes. I don't have to go see my kids. I was going away for 25 days. 25 days in Utah. 30 days. He drew me a map to the nearest Walmart. He was like, go here and get some T-shirts. And I put in for, you know, leave of absence from work. And I went. And he showed up at residence. I mean, I was like in a fog. Don't do things like this. And I go there, and I think at the time, which seemed like a long time at the time, I picked up a white ship. And I felt like these people are going to think I'm a fraud. Why am I here? When I got there, the lady was on the phone, and she said, I was with a phone call. I was hurt. And it was certain that these two people were talking about, like, this woman does not belong here. And they weren't. And she hung up. And she hung up the phone, and I said, am I not supposed to be here? And she goes, no, we were just wondering what took you so long. And I was like, okay. These were, like, the best in the world. It's like, I'm at residence treatment. It was my personal birthday month, and they had a thing on the wall. And for some reason, this was so depressing to me. And it said birthdays, and it had my name. And I was like, oh, my God, they're going to give me a cupcake at rehab for my birthday. It was like the worst thing. And anyway, so, but this was, like, great. I gave my phone away to them. I took it away. And I didn't make a decision for 25 days. I did whatever they told me to do. I didn't have to cook. I didn't have to clean. I didn't have to do anything except for show up where I was supposed to be, when I was supposed to be there. And I worked really hard. I'm like, I'm here. I'm going to make the most out of this. And I went through the steps, but I did them diligently. I didn't really rush through them. And I met people who, people I've known all my life. It was just, you know, when you're in that situation, and you're sharing really deeply. I mean, we had to, like, share with the group everything. Like, these people know more about me than, and these are people who I still talk to today. But being able to go through this experience, I think, was one of the most impactful things. Just being able to show up was one of the most impactful things. And it's not so much what I learned there so much. I mean, I learned a lot. It's that once I, like, instead of stepping on the train, stepped this way and said, fine, I'll do whatever you want, Clay. That was my moment of surrender. And I've not once since that day even thought about having a drink. It just doesn't even occur to me. Well, that's not true. That is not true. It does occasionally occur to me, but I don't want it. And the reason is, is that I was so, I found what I had been looking for all the time. Something simple that I could do and something that I saw worked because I saw people. Who were doing it. People who changed their lives. People came from so much worse situations that I did. You were able to turn it around and seeing that evidence and seeing that people was so inspiring to me. It's what I always wanted church to be. It's what I always wanted my friend circle to be. You know, being part of, I would say, right. And I don't, I would rather spend with these group of women or any of you then, then all the time that I spent fun at the party, having, conversations that were meaningless and just these are people who help tell you the truth, help you do the work, which is really hard to do. And I would trade that for anything in the world. So I, I mean, I think that AA is one of the, I think any one of us can, any, any one of anyone can benefit and we, this group has like a, a book club. And I remember one of the book club leader once said, Danielle, how does God show up for you? And I thought about, well, in the morning I get up and I do. My morning routine. I say my prayers and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I felt like, yeah, that was, that was a good answer. And someone else said, well, God shows up when I don't gossip. And when I pause instead of having a reaction and all these things, I was like, that's so true. Like God is still, I'm still having that Bush. I'm still having these experiences happen in my life all the time. I still wasn't even recognizing it and I recognize it now and now I have, instead of confusion and longing, I have gratitude and I noticed it pop up in the, in the dumbest ways. It's not big way. The other day I was trying to like, we're getting ready to move and I was picking up a box. I'm like, God, I'm like, I'm out of shape. And you know, my arms are shaken and I was like, I'm so glad I have two arms. You know, it's like, that was like a natural thought that came to my mind. That would not happen to me before. I was like, this is bullshit. Why isn't somebody else doing this box? All those little things have, have taught me that. But I don't want to be happy. I want to be content. And I've learned, I think I got there of course, by doing the steps, of course, by being part of the fellowship, by literally being able to, well, not literally, literally give it to the mountain. But when I was sitting in Utah, looking at this mountain for 25 days, just giving all of my shame, all of my guilt, all of those things I wish I didn't do. There's a book on it called Drop the Rock. That changed my life. I left it there. And it still haunts me sometimes. I mean, sometimes I wish to shut the door on the past and I do regret it, but it doesn't take over me in shame the way it used to. Able to be the person that I thought I was. I thought I was a good person before. I wasn't. Gossiping and doing all the things. And now I feel like I'm able to pause. I have to pause. When I hear gossiping, I turn around and walk away. Want to get angry. Think something negative. I try not to say it. I try to look for the positive. You know, that kind of stuff. And that's those little ways. I was looking for something big. I was looking for something in the mountain to come grab me and shake me and put me somewhere. And it was just there the whole time. And that, to me, is the God of my understanding, which is the universe and all of the connection between all of us around us. And that keeps, that's always here. I can always see it. I don't have to pretend. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't have to imagine it. I see it. No matter what I look at. So that's pretty freaking cool. I don't think I ever would have got here without someone putting me here. I don't think I knew what AA was going to ask me. And I'll tell you one last thing. I know we all often feel like we don't belong. I mean, I've said it a few times. I know Lori talked about it last time, too. It's not just that like, I'm just a archetypal. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. And I will tell you one last thing. I know we often feel like we don't belong. don't belong I mean I've said it a few times I know Lori talked about it last time too it's not just that like I feel like I belong in the meeting I go to every week I went to you know we live down south and my son was in a summer camp up here over the summer and I was like I have some time to kill so I go to I go to a meeting and it's I walk in the door and it's all these older black men in suits and I was like I don't belong here and these people took me in like I had always been there like they knew me from forever and I had never felt so welcome and I had a similar experience when I was in New Jersey I went to a meeting to you know in a town where I knew nobody and they did the same thing and so it's not just that you feel like you belong in one little place but I feel like I belong with all of you and that's a feeling that is so foreign to me but it is so nice and welcome and it's so much better than that feeling I had when I drank that rum and the The hangover is much better. I'm just going to end it there. Thank you, Danielle. You have, like, such an amazing spirit in telling your story. It was awesome. One, two, a one, two, three. Another to climb a pole, jump the cliff, picking on your brother. Always up to mission. We usually got caught. You'd think we'd learn from the hell we got. Trouble always water guns. Listening to that little devil on our shoulder. Bobby used to like to play with us nice. Now he's in the slammer doing 20 to life. Trouble always bar. Guy hands me a drink. Says I'll make you a star. Yeah, right. Doing time. Sad but it's true. Ends up is all up to you. Trouble always starting fast. Looking like. One.