Tradition Three Says Desire Is the Only Requirement — I Took It Personally and Earned My Seat – Lisa H.
About This Speaker Tape
Lisa, sober since February 16, 2005, tells her story at the Monday night Blue Chip speaker meeting on the 4th of July. She grew up in a family soaked in alcoholism — her mother and grandmother both alcoholics — and was so determined not to become one that she didn't pick up a drink until her twenties. Before alcohol there was an eating disorder, anorexia and binge eating, her first attempt to control how she felt. Moving every six months as a child, surrounded by her mother's abusive boyfriends, she learned to walk around tense, blushing, on edge, never fitting in.
When alcohol finally arrived in her twenties, it was a relief — she could relax, dance, talk to people. She called herself a periodic binge drinker, not a real alcoholic, even as the binges came closer together. She drove drunk down Ponce in a blackout with police lights behind her, didn't pull over because she couldn't understand the bullhorn, and somehow never got the DUI she earned. She joined the military in her early forties, where the drinking culture accelerated everything. She came in through Al-Anon first, convinced her mother was the problem, and worked the Big Book as a non-alcoholic — until controlled drinking experiments and morning cravings forced her to call the AA hotline alone in a small town away from her support network.
Her sobriety was earned. A man at her first meetings said people who came in through Al-Anon weren't real alcoholics, and instead of leaving she dug in, took Tradition 3 personally, got a sponsor on her first night. She built a Higher Power that started small and grew big, learned to stop putting it in a box. Years later, an inner voice told her to skip a planned east coast trip and visit her dying father in San Francisco instead — she listened, and got the last walking visit before bone cancer paralyzed him. She flew back on Thanksgiving Day; he held on until she landed and died within hours.
Today she sponsors women, has a home group, has a relationship again with her 71-year-old mother whom she once hated. She's leaving for a six-month deployment to Antarctica in September and the first thing she did was find the AA meeting in a tiny church there. She closes with Bill W. on the language of the heart.
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Timestamps
Full Transcript
Let's have a meeting.
My name is Janine and I'm an alcoholic.
And happy 4th of July.
Welcome to the Monday night Blue Chip speaker meeting at NAVA Club
where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells us her...
My name is Janine and I'm an alcoholic.
And happy 4th of July.
Welcome to the Monday night Blue Chip speaker meeting at NAVA Club
where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells us her...
Let's have a meeting.
My name is Janine and I'm an alcoholic.
And happy 4th of July.
Welcome to the Monday night Blue Chip speaker meeting at NAVA Club
where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells us her story.
This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language
and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God.
They give a fair cross-section of our membership
and a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives.
We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste.
Our hope is that many alcoholics, men and women, in our rooms tonight
and listening later on aabloochipspeakers.org
desperately in need will hear our speaker
and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems
that any of us shall be persuaded to say,
yes, I am one of them too, I must have this thing.
So tonight's...
Our speaker, first I have to say, when I was first getting sober
that my sponsor told me I needed to stick with the winners
and our speaker tonight is definitely one of those winners
and definitely an excellent example of how AA works.
Lisa?
My name is Lisa, I'm an alcoholic.
I didn't make notes, but I have something that I want to start with
that I'm going to get the housekeeping out of the way.
Can everybody hear me okay?
Okay.
My sobriety date is February 16th, 2005.
I have a sponsor, Lynn T., who has a sponsor, a sponsor, it goes up,
and I sponsor women.
My home group is everybody's meeting on Monday and Friday in Decatur at 8 o'clock
and I have a service position there
and that's really what I was told to do from the beginning.
Get a sponsor, work steps, and that's what I've done.
And...
I got sober...
Actually, let me...
I wanted to read a little bit first.
I was told to have a beginning and an ending and let God fill in the rest, so...
This is from...
I think this is either in the big book or somewhere from Grapevine.
I think it's in the big book.
If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be no reservation of any kind
nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol.
And I just really liked that because I thought when I read that,
I think I got in a daily reader that I'm really grateful that by the time I ended up in AA
that I really knew that I couldn't drink like a normal person.
What it was like for me in the beginning was I come from a family full of alcoholics.
My mother is an alcoholic.
She has been in and out of recovery.
My grandmother is an alcoholic who died of alcoholism.
And so I was bound and determined not to be an alcoholic.
So I really did not start drinking until a little bit later in life.
But growing up in the disease of alcoholism, I don't think this made me an alcoholic.
I really think I was born an alcoholic and just needed to add alcohol.
That's just, you know...
Obviously, these are all my opinions, but that's how I feel about it.
But...
They...
So we...
All the things that come along...
My mother divorced my dad when I was less than a year old.
I was born in San Francisco and ended up here because of my grandparents.
And we moved around every...
Very often, every six months to a year.
My mother loves...
We get along today thanks to the 12-step programs that I'm involved with.
But...
That...
She laughs and says,
Oh, honey, I've never been attracted to boring men.
And I'm like...
You know, she always liked addicts and alcoholics.
And, you know, I guess I can't say anything because I'm kind of the same way.
But...
So we had...
Unfortunately, a lot of...
From multiple people, they would either be abusive to her or us.
There was sexual abuse, mental, physical abuse, emotional abuse.
Not from my mom, but from the men that she selected.
Not all of them were that way, but...
So...
And I didn't understand what alcoholism was, but I was bound and determined not to be like that.
Just whatever that was, I didn't want to be that way.
And...
But I...
I've heard people say this before, and I think it's true.
I should have had...
I would have felt better if I'd had a drink before I did.
Because I...
I don't know.
I was just very...
Very...
On edge all the time.
Things were always changing, and I felt like I had no control over it.
But...
I...
Didn't start drinking until I was actually in my 20s.
And once I started drinking, I was like...
I found my friend.
I could finally relax.
I could...
I was very shy.
There's this...
I laugh.
There's a...
A diagnosis for people who have anxiety about blushing.
And that...
I used to blush.
I could just say a word, and I would blush.
So it was very awkward socially.
And it didn't feel like I really fit in.
I moved around a lot, so I didn't have a lot of long-term friends.
And...
So I...
When I started drinking, you know, I could loosen up.
I could talk to people.
I could dance.
I could have a good time.
I do have to say, before I started drinking, though, I did have an...
Eating disorder.
And that's kind of been off and on.
My first love of trying to control things and how I felt was food.
I've been intermittently anorexic and a binge eater before there was a diagnosis for that.
But once I got into 12-step recovery, I have not really had...
Been able to be that controlling with my food anymore.
So that's kind of changed.
But...
So I was always trying, even though I thought I wasn't.
You know, like...
Like my mother.
I was always trying to control something to make myself feel different.
But then I found alcohol.
And...
And...
I...
During this time, also, in my early 20s, I went through bankruptcy.
And...
Kind of struggled.
I've been poor.
I grew up poor.
We were very poor on welfare and food stamps.
And...
I...
You know, I can live for...
And I did for a long time.
Probably into my 30s.
So I was working...
Multiple jobs.
And going to school.
Put myself through school.
Didn't really have a lot of social support.
None from my parents.
And...
But...
So I started drinking.
And intermittent binge drinking.
So I wasn't like a daily drinker.
I would periodically binge drink.
And I didn't think that there was anything wrong with that.
I just thought that's what people do.
You go out and you have a good time.
And...
Drugs are not really...
That's a big part of my story.
I did...
I haven't told this in my story before.
But I did sort of...
I did purchasing supplies for a vet hospital.
I sort of purchased some things illegally.
Sort of legally.
And reappropriated them.
But...
And I...
I...
I drive substitute for alcohol.
But it was nice because I didn't have calories.
That's terrible to say.
But alcohol is a lot of calories.
And if you're trying to do one or the other.
And...
So...
And I...
You know...
To this day I never really put this together.
When I ran out of that.
I was really depressed.
And was...
I never really put it together.
The times in my life where I was depressed and suicidal.
And I was not able to drink or use like I would normally.
And I actually...
Was so depressed that I had a gun to my head.
And I hated myself.
Because I couldn't pull the trigger.
And...
And I never really put it together with the fact that I ran out of the thing that was keeping me...
What I liked about alcohol and any other substance that changed how I felt was...
It sort of just took the edge off.
Like I felt normal.
Like I could breathe.
Like I didn't have that tense, that tight feeling.
That I felt like I walked around with a large percentage of the time.
But I'm...
So I'm going to school.
Um...
Actually ended up getting a degree.
And um...
Got a job finally.
Like a real big girl job.
Um...
And I want to say during that time is when I started to develop um...
A relationship with God.
Um...
Part of my training there was a woman that um...
Said something that I heard.
And for the most part I was an atheist.
I grew up with parents who didn't raise us with religion.
Um...
You know my dad was an atheist.
Living back in California.
But my mom was Catholic.
Um...
But really never took us to church.
Um...
It was a long time before I really understood what was going on.
Because nobody ever told me anything.
Um...
It's...
Yeah.
So it was a long time before.
I mean I can remember being really mad that...
Um...
Nobody told me that Jesus was born on Christmas Day.
Um...
I was like what?
I thought it was all about Santa and gifts.
And the Easter.
You know that was really hard to figure out.
If you have no...
You know nobody tells you.
I mean like what?
That was so confusing to me.
I thought it was all about you know the Easter Bunny.
And so my religious like...
I just didn't want to be brought up with it.
Um...
But this woman said to me what you're going to do is going to be hard.
Um...
If you don't have a God you better start working on you know getting some type of God.
Um...
And I just heard that for whatever reason.
And when I went into my profession that I still do now.
I um...
I really took that to heart.
And actually started looking at different kind of religions.
I think I went to a temple and um...
Took a class on Judaism and just sort of started thinking about it.
But I was still um...
Drinking intermittently.
It hadn't caused me any problems at this point.
Um...
And I thought you know even though...
When I started drinking I um...
I called them.
I thought I never...
I knew enough.
I got educated about what alcoholism was.
And so I understood.
Um...
And I was not a daily drinker.
I hadn't lost shots.
I mean after all...
I mean it did take me 10 years to get my degree.
But...
Um...
That's because it was expensive.
Um...
But uh...
And I was just like...
I was just crazy.
I had um...
I don't know.
I struggled with um...
Asking for help.
And...
I wanted...
I just thought I had to do everything on my own.
Um...
And...
So...
I think life got better for me when I wasn't totally broke all the time.
Um...
But I was still not an alcoholic.
I did not call them blackouts.
I called them grayouts.
Because I only lost short periods of time.
It wasn't like an actual day...
Day long thing.
Um...
Now I look back.
I mean of course I never really acknowledged them at the time.
But um...
I uh...
I also unfortunately drank and drove.
Even though I knew better.
Um...
But whenever I...
I closed down the bar.
And...
I always started drinking water and coffee.
Because you know.
That sobers you up.
You know.
Um...
But I always wanted to just drive home.
I didn't want to take a taxi.
I just wanted to be in my own car.
Um...
I do remember one time.
And I don't usually share much about my drunk-a-logs.
But I was um...
This reminded me of it.
I was downtown.
And I saw the masquerade.
I did a lot of drinking at the masquerade.
And um...
I was there with my boyfriend.
Who was more drunk than me.
And um...
So I drove.
Um...
Because I'm a very good driver.
And um...
And I was driving down Ponce.
And I think I was in the blackout.
Um...
And I came to.
And there was like...
Light...
Lights.
Blue lights in the mirror.
And um...
There was a bullhorn.
And he...
I couldn't understand him.
And I was like...
My boyfriend was no help at all.
And I don't know if he's passed out.
I don't really remember him being that helpful.
But um...
I didn't pull over.
Because I couldn't understand him.
I thought...
I'm not going to pull over.
I can't understand him.
And I just kept driving.
And I probably was driving really slow.
But...
And then he disappeared.
Um...
And I should have gotten pulled over.
And gotten a DUI.
But um...
For whatever reason.
Um...
I didn't.
And I've never um...
Been in trouble with the law.
But I should have been.
Um...
Because I got into trouble.
Uh...
I drank and drove.
And...
And um...
You know...
Did things that weren't...
Necessarily on the up and up.
Um...
But I...
I...
I...
Let's see.
So periodic binge drinking.
I never really tried to control my drinking.
I know when I first started reading in the big book about um...
And this is in Al-Anon.
I was a big book Al-Anon.
My mom um...
Got 12 stepped into AA by a co-worker of mine.
Um...
By this time I'm kind of working.
Um...
Making more money.
Um...
Doing a little more periodic binge drinking.
What I noticed over my drinking career is that...
The drinking got closer.
It got closer and closer together.
I would do it when I didn't mean to.
Um...
When I'm...
You know...
All the things you read about.
I made a solemn oath that I wasn't going to do this at this time.
It was a bad time to do it.
And like...
That's the one thing that I'm grateful for.
Is I know there is no...
I have no defense against first drink.
Um...
And...
You know...
Thankfully I was relieved of that.
Um...
When I came into the program with Alcoholics Anonymous.
But...
Um...
I'm going to get...
I'm going to stay sober on time.
So...
Um...
I...
I don't want to keep people late.
I um...
Periodic binge drinking.
My mom...
Um...
Got sober about...
Um...
I had...
She hit her bottom and it was mostly on pills.
My mom was...
Uh...
Got sober through AA.
But was mostly um...
A prescription pill addict.
Um...
She hit her bottom on multiple psychiatric drugs.
And um...
Because she found a writer.
Um...
Somebody who would dole out...
My mom's intelligent.
And she would call me and say,
Honey, I have a new diagnosis.
Send a new medication to go with it.
And I was like, oh my God.
Uh...
That was...
You know...
And that's...
Her bottom was my bottom and my Al-Anon bottom.
Um...
Because I um...
Always felt responsible for her.
Um...
And I...
But I still like...
I'm not like she was.
I mean she's really crazy.
Um...
You know I just...
I just blow out steam every once in a while.
I mean that's normal, right?
Um...
So...
I...
The guy who 12-stepped her into AA
actually tried to 12-step me into AA.
Um...
Because he's seen me drinking.
But I was like...
He does not understand.
Um...
And I was funny because I'd never
remember hearing about Al-Anon.
But obviously somebody planted the seed in my head
because I thought, well I'm not going to go to AA.
But I need Al-Anon because
clearly my mother is the problem.
Um...
Um...
So...
But it took me about a year
because I didn't want to do it.
I just didn't want to.
I've been in therapy.
I've done a lot of therapy on my
childhood things that happened to me.
Um...
Group therapy and um...
Uh...
Not...
Not a time because it's expensive.
But um...
I um...
I just didn't want to.
So...
About a year into her recovery
I hit my Al-Anon bottom
and couldn't stand it anymore.
And um...
Went to an Al-Anon meeting
and got a sponsor
and actually started working the steps.
And um...
On my first night I met her
and she was big with Al-Anon.
So as an Al-Anon I went through the big book
but I didn't relate to it
because I wasn't an alcoholic.
Um...
I didn't...
You know, I didn't drink like...
Um...
I didn't drink like Bill Wilson.
Like I just...
I found the reasons for myself
not to be an alcoholic.
Not to belong.
Um...
And...
So I kind of kept up this period.
I had binge drinking
but as I said
the times that um...
went between
uh...
the drinking got closer and closer
and um...
I...
When I think about step one
um...
I...
At the end I definitely knew
I was powerless over alcohol
but unmanageability for me
um...
was a little bit different
because I had lost jobs.
I was still working.
Um...
I actually was in the military.
Um...
I got into the military
because in my early 40s
because that seemed like a good idea.
Um...
I'm not that good in the military
but um...
It was fun.
I mean I did a lot of cool stuff
and um...
But the drink...
The drinking definitely accelerated.
Um...
It's a great place to find out
if you're an alcoholic
because it's very condoned
um...
as part of the culture.
Um...
And I can remember doing training things
and they were like
everybody was drinking.
Um...
And I would be like
no this is bad.
I don't need to be drinking now.
And I would end up drinking.
Um...
And...
You know I was the person
who would go around
and drink everybody's flasks
if they left it there too long
because you know
I just...
I just...
I just drank.
And that's the one thing that
um...
that I...
At the end though
I did try controlled drinking.
I talked to a woman
who is now my sponsor
that I've known
um...
who saw me drinking
um...
before I even got into Al-Anon
I knew her from work
and um...
I would be like
will you see me drink?
I'm not...
I'm not really an alcoholic
because I really didn't want to...
I loved alcohol.
I did not want to stop drinking.
And that's what...
why it took me so long
to really kind of acknowledge
that um...
I was powerless over alcohol
um...
because
I felt like I could handle it.
I never...
I just drank.
I drank when it was around.
I drank if somebody passed me
a drink.
I drank when it was around.
I never knew
sometimes I could control it.
Um...
Not real often.
I was usually aware
of how much I was drinking
if I was controlling it.
But um...
I never tried
that often to stop
and I never tried
to not drink
usually if somebody
passed me a drink.
Um...
So...
At the end though
I did try
what's suggested
in the big book
which is...
Well I've tried
a couple things.
Once I tried
to stop
stay away for a year
and that's
didn't really work out.
Well I went a long time
but then I forgot
um...
and drank again.
And then this time though
I tried the daily
drinking.
Um...
Drinking just a little bit
because I mean
I didn't have a problem.
I can control it.
Um...
And that's the first time
that I really started to
really catch in
my obsession.
Um...
And then I really understood
and um...
what it feels like
to be like
wake up in the morning.
I mean I wasn't
a morning drinker
because that means
you're an alcoholic.
Um...
But it's...
And towards the end
um...
I really wanted to drink
in the morning
and I thought
oh God
this is not good.
Um...
But I still tried
to control it
for a little while
but I um...
My sponsor told me
to do something
which I think
um...
helped in my
hitting my bottom
which was
I prayed.
I had um...
When I got into Al-Anon
I did um...
develop a relationship
with a higher power
God of my understanding
and um...
So I was praying.
I was praying.
I said the third
and seventh step prayer.
Um...
And I don't think
I think the only
I think the way
that that helped me
was because
um...
I had a shorter
period of time
where I was drinking
daily.
You know
a head full of
um...
AA
and a belly full of alcohol.
Um...
It just was a really
painful place to be in.
I was away from home.
I didn't have any
of my friends around.
I had a pretty good
support network here.
And um...
When I hit my bottom
I was alone.
I didn't like
what I was doing really.
And um...
And I uh...
I just was getting
nothing from
from God
and I wasn't sure
what to do.
And I um...
Called AA.
I called the hotline.
Um...
And I'm
you know
I'm grateful that
that it went down
that way.
I um...
You know
I had to pick up the phone.
I didn't really
have you know
my support network.
I couldn't lean on
and say
hey can I go to a meeting
with you?
And um...
So I went
I think it was the next night
I didn't even have a meeting
close to me that night
because it was a pretty
small town where I got sober.
And um...
I knew
that I couldn't
that I was powerless
over the first drink
and that I um...
was powerless
over alcohol.
And my life
was unmanageable
in a
in weird sort of ways
but um...
I was going to say
when I introduced myself
my name is
Louisa.
I'm an alcoholic.
I'm a real
alcoholic.
That's the kind
it says in the big book
and the reason
I was going to say it
that way
is because
when I got sober
there was this guy
who introduced himself
that way
and um...
I was really
like he said
when he told the story
um...
some of you
in here tonight
are not real
alcoholics
like me
and um...
you know
he even alluded
to the fact
that people
who come in
the back way
like through
Al-Anon
weren't really
alcoholics
and I was just
very offended
by that
but actually
in retrospect
I um...
I'm grateful
for that experience
because
what it caused
me to do
was to like
uh...
really earn my seat
um...
I started going
what does he mean
by that?
I deserve to be here
just as much
as anybody else
um...
there's you know
there's tradition
three or five
the one that says
the only requirement
three
um...
that's right
the tradition is
um...
the only requirement
for membership
is a desire
to stop drinking
um...
and that
and I'm
you know
and I read through
the big book
because I um...
well I wasn't
real happy
to be an alcoholic
I was really pissed
off about it
to be honest
with you
um...
I was mad
and I wasn't happy
I actually did
though
get a sponsor
on my first night
it was a women's
meeting
and I picked her
mostly because
I just thought
I was going to
go into the meeting
and get a white chip
and just sit
in the back
um...
but that did not
happen
uh...
they don't have
white chips
in Illinois
they have stars
and cards
um...
so I have a white card
that I got
at 30 days
and I went back
and got a card
at a year
and they actually
put little stars
for every year
you've been sober
after that
so I was pissed off
because I couldn't
get a white chip
um...
and because I
called my sponsor
and I said
what am I supposed
to do
I mean this is
ridiculous
what am I supposed
to do
this is my sobriety
date or something
stupid like that
I mean
I don't know
I was just
mad
um...
so um...
actually people
talked directly
to me in the meeting
I had a woman
get up and sit
down beside me
and hold my hand
during the meeting
and talk
like to my face
I was so mortified
and then
this woman
came up to me
after the meeting
and said
oh my god
that was terrible
and I said
yes it was
will you be my
sponsor
and um...
I started
working the steps
um...
out of the big book
in a different way
than I have
before
I have had
the opportunity
of moving
multiple times
in my life
in sobriety
um...
and
I've always been
the kind of person
that said
um...
I'm not going to be
that person
that has a hard time
when I move
I'm flexible
I'm easy going
um...
you know
I'm not all uptight
and every single time
I've moved
I've had a hard time
fitting back
into sobriety
wherever I've gone
and eventually
it grows on me
but um...
I just
every single time
but um...
so when I moved
back into Atlanta
I actually had
kind of had a hard time
I got
a sponsor
um...
the woman
that I was talking to
before I left
went
started working
the steps again
um...
and
I
had a harder time
plugging back
into Atlanta
um...
I don't know why
um...
just because
it was different
I had gone to
in Illinois
the meetings
were an hour and a half
you had a break
about an hour
um...
I did my 90-90
I was going to say
so I
I don't know
where I got sober
was a clubhouse
where you had to
introduce yourself
and say you're an alcoholic
and I was
every single time
because it was close
to where I was
living temporarily
um...
and by day 31
I was so excited
to say
not have to raise my hand
and say I was an alcoholic
but that
I think was good
for me as well
um...
just to kind of
part of that
earning my seat
um...
and
oh I know
um...
when I was reading
through the big book
I was looking for
what a bottom
was
um...
and I've yet
to find that
um...
it's not in there
I mean they talk about
their drinking experiences
and what
what was really important
for me in the beginning
was to listen to
the similarities
not the differences
and um...
that really helped
because I think
that's what I was doing
when I was in Al-Anon
I would hear anybody
and I would just look
for all the differences
the reasons that I wasn't
an alcoholic
and um...
you know
I've been through
the book
a lot
um...
with these
working steps
and
the more I read it
that just
I continue to more
see more and more
how I can relate
um...
and how I drank
the same way
just not to the extent
that they did
um...
so I'm grateful
for that
uh...
suggestion
but
so I came back to
Atlanta
uh...
eventually got a home group
uh...
was working through
the steps
with my sponsor
and then
um...
in a couple years sober
I
um...
let's see
I uh...
decided
let's see
I learned how to skydive
cause that's fun
I went hang gliding
I got tattooed
and
and um...
I had a job here
and I was
but still I was bored
so I decided to go back
to school again
um...
at
I don't know
45
to get another degree
and um...
during
a couple years before that
my dad
um...
might have been
an alcoholic
he described himself
as an alcoholic
um...
I kind of learned
to stop figuring that out
cause it really
didn't matter
um...
I
thanks to the program
of Al-Anon
I um...
developed a relationship
again with my
uh...
dad
and my mom
um...
and um...
that
really deepened
and we got along
you know
much better
I stopped hating them
for the things
that happened to me
um...
in my childhood
but um...
my dad was diagnosed
with lung cancer
I think um...
I think about the time
I got sober
he had surgery
and he um...
was cancer free
for a while
but uh...
so
I am just kind of
sharing this
as an um...
I guess an 11th
step
um...
sort of experience
for me
um...
you know
I had gone through
all the steps
and um...
I was praying
I've prayed daily
for a long time
the 3rd and 7th step
I do
like I said
I sponsor women
um...
one of my longest
time sponsees
is
just got 8 years
um...
and I continue
to sponsor women
and take them
through the steps
but um...
I continually
work on my relationship
with my higher power
today
our God
um...
and
I kind of
that was one of the things
that I fought
when I first came to God
when I first came to God
when I first came in
because I thought
now I was erased
with religion
but I had a chip
on my shoulder
about religion
um...
I was convinced
that somebody
was going to jump out
and ask me to believe
that Jesus Christ
was my personal savior
I just knew it
or somebody
was going to ask me
to believe a certain way
or a certain thing
and I mean
we do say the Lord's Prayer
and things like that
you know
so it gets
for someone to believe
that you know
there's going to be
a certain way
that you're going to
have to believe eventually
but that has never happened
um...
and you know
that's one of the
wonderful things
is that we get to have
our own concept of God
and um...
and I'm
mine is kind of big
I have a big God today
and I'm grateful for that
I um...
I
for a long time
I kind of wanted to put
my God in a box
and I'm saying God
mostly because it's short
and easy to say
but um...
you know
I wanted to be able
to understand it
because I thought
it would make it easier
to turn my life over
to something
that I understood
um...
but now
it's the other way around
so um...
it didn't really help
and it just made me confused
um...
the more
I found the times
that I um...
have more peace
in my life
and that was
when I'm not struggling
is when I'm just
kind of going
you know what
I don't get it
I don't understand
I can't label it
I can't make it
a certain thing
but um...
I have much more peace
when I'm not struggling
fighting
going well
people say this
or that
and I don't understand
why you're saying
this or that
and I
that's one of the things
that was really good
with my sponsors
when I would call her
and say
so and so
said this in a meeting
what does that mean
she would go
you know
you don't have to believe
what they're saying
um...
and that's one thing
you know
it's all just our opinions
when we talk in a meeting
it's all our own
experience
strength and hope
and you can take
what you like
and leave the rest
and um...
certainly that's true
tonight
and that's what I do
when I go to meetings
it helps me struggle less
um...
is just to remember
that we're all
just doing the best
that we can
um...
so
I
um...
I
had this idea
I always go back
and visit my family
and um...
in San Francisco
which is not the worst
place in the world
to visit
but I um...
decided that
I was not going to do that
this time
I was in a break
at school
and I was working
part of my
unmanageability
can be working
too much
um...
which is when I know
that my life's
getting unmanageable
so I was working
a bunch
and going
to work
and going to work
and going to school
and my dad was
cancer free
and I was decided
I was going to
take a car trip
and go up the east coast
and hang out with friends
and just do some stuff
like that
but I kept getting
this like nagging
feeling that I should
go home
that I needed to go home
and I fought
with that inner voice
you know
I just had to struggle
with that
and finally
I talked to my sponsor
I mean I did the whole
thing like
angst over this thing
and finally
I decided to just go
see my dad
um...
not do
what I wanted to do
um...
even though I thought
well he
his last scan
was good
he's fine
um...
so I got off the
um...
this was in August
I got off
the airplane
and I got in the car
and he
I closed the door
and he said
well my cancer's back
and um...
it's in my brain
and it's probably
in my liver
and my dad
my dad
was very
it's like
if you think of an
English gentleman
extremely stoic
um...
just
never
displayed a lot
of emotion
was not very
um...
he got more
loving towards the end
but he just
my grandmother
was not very
um...
loving
she was actually
she just passed away
recently
it's mean to say
she lived to be 94
because she was mean
as a snake
she was mean
um...
luckily I had
luckily I had
my one grandmother
the alcoholic
um...
she was sweet
I mean I loved her
um...
so
um...
anyway
so my dad
uh...
told me that
and
what I didn't know
at the time was
it was the last time
I was able to be with him
when he was able to walk
because he
became paralyzed
from bone cancer
about two months later
um...
and
if I hadn't
gone
if I hadn't
listened to my gut
and gone
I would have missed out
on that opportunity
um...
we always kind of
did the same thing
except I always felt
like the kid
when I went out there
we would always go
to these certain places
we would eat
to certain restaurants
and um...
you know
when he was sick
that's one of the things
that hit me
I didn't want it to change
I wanted to stay that way
forever
um...
so I was flying
I was in school
working and flying
back and forth
to California
which I'm grateful
that I could afford
to do that
um...
and
a little bit crazy
um...
just a little
but I taught
I had the um...
opportunity
to talk with him
about um...
what it was going
to be like
uh...
I did ask him
if he wanted me
to be there
when he died
and he said
I should laugh
but he said
no
you've seen people
die before right
and I'm like
yeah
and I told my story
once and I
I realized
I didn't say
I'm in health care
I'm in health care
I was like
people probably
think I'm really weird
um...
I work in a hospital
so um...
that was his response
you know
stiff upper lip
I'm not going to
get to hat or anything
um...
and
uh...
so I was
honestly I was
kind of relieved
um...
because
it was hard
it was harder
much harder
when it's your
family member
but um...
so I was
supposed to
go out there
on Thanksgiving
Day
um...
and
I did
um...
I flew out
on Thanksgiving
Day
and he
he waited
I didn't think
he would
but he did
um...
he was in and out
of this kind of
coma
until
I got there
and when I landed
he passed away
within about
two or three hours
of me being there
um...
and I think
a lot of that
I was more there
for my stepmom
because I was the only one
who could stay with him
um...
it was me and her
and
some stranger
came in
and kept talking
while he was dying
it was weird
it was a weird experience
um...
and I guess
it was good in a way
because it distracted her
um...
while he was dying
I don't know
um...
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
it was odd
but um...
so you know
I'm grateful
that I was able
to show up
I um...
I
in emotional
situations
I can be a runner
um...
when my dad
my grandfather
passed away
um...
my grandmother
I wasn't around at all
when my grandmother
passed away
when my grandfather
passed away
I was there
more at the end
um...
but
one of the last things
that he said to me
he died
suddenly
unexpectedly
I mean he was
80
in his 80s
but um...
he was in the hospital
and I had gone
to see him
and they were coming
to invade him
and I had to do something
you know
I'm always
off doing something
and the last thing
he said to me
was he goes
oh there goes Lisa
she's always in a hurry
um...
that stinks
when that's the last thing
that somebody says to you
I told him I loved him
but you know
that was
that was the last voice
out of his mouth
and so I was running
out the door
um...
and I was able
to be there
for my
um...
my dad
in a way
that I wasn't able
to be there
for other people
but um...
and I think
you know
to AA
and Eleanor
and I am able
to have a relationship
again with my mother
there have been years
that I haven't talked
to her at all
um...
and
you know
now I
I go shopping
with her
um...
she's so crazy
as ever
um...
I say she's
kind of in and out
she doesn't drink
but occasionally
she smokes
marijuana
my mother's
71
um...
you know
and I
I just
have not
trying to control
what she does
um...
I'm like
really mom
with your memory
problems
you probably
don't need
to be doing that
but she goes
oh honey
I can't get my hands
on it that much
I'm like
okay
okay mom
um...
she's funny
but you know
the good thing
is I can laugh
about it
um...
because for a long time
I really
I really
hated her
um...
for kind of
not keeping us
safe
when we were
growing up
and I had a lot
of resentments
but I still felt
responsible
for taking care
of her
so that's
my
other disease
um...
so
today
um...
I
like I said
I have a home group
I have worked
the steps
I just
um...
recently did
a fourth and fifth step
I am
actually
temporarily
relocating
in the near future
I always laugh
I have lived
in Athens
it's one of the
other places
that I've lived
um...
after I got my
education
I did go up
to Athens
um...
and
worked up there
for a year
and got to experience
surviving in Athens
and I loved it
I had a home group
and it was a really
good group of people
um...
I actually
fell in love
with the weavers
and the serenity prayer
because that's what
they all said
I know
um...
and
you know
every place
that I've gone
people love me
into the program
of Alcoholics Anonymous
and I'm really
grateful for that
um...
but I'm temporarily
relocating in September
to the Antarctica
for six months
um...
and they have
one of the first
things I did
was I started
looking for meetings
um...
they have one
um...
in a tiny church
that's there
um...
because
um...
you know
AA is everywhere
it's even on the
bottom of the earth
um...
and that's
the cool thing
like I'm going to have
my people are going
to be there
um...
you know
that's the one thing
I never found
I never belonged
I never belonged
anywhere
and
I never felt like
I fit in
anywhere
because I moved
around a lot
and um...
you know
and here I found
my people
um...
and I feel a part of
and I feel like
I've been able
to live my life
in a way
that is much
fuller
because of
the program
of Alcoholics Anonymous
and for that
I'm very grateful
um...
and I
am going to
close with
a reading
from
The Language of the Heart
by Bill Wilson
some of his
um...
writings
from the
grapevine
um...
but this is
something that
I really liked
um...
from the beginning
communication in AA
has been unusual
and sometimes unique
because of our
kinship and suffering
and because our
common means of
deliverance
are effective
for ourselves
only when
constantly carried
to others
our channels of contact
have always been charged
with the language
of the heart
and that's it
applause
applause
thank you so much Lisa
Antarctica will be
uh... lucky to have you
they might think
it's the top of the earth
laughter
thank you one and all
for joining
the blue chip speaker
meeting tonight
I'm a plane
and you're the sky
without you
I cannot fly
I'm a plane
you left me up
and
given me
a place
to land
you're the sunlight
on my skin
clapping
leaves
ovation
in
my mind
I'm a plane
and you're the sky
i mean
you
me
you
can
in
Fill your life
So let it shine
You pick up the pieces
You make it seem so easy
Put me back together
I'm light as a feather again
You're a shepherd
I was a stranger
You're the star that lights my way
You're the star that lights my way
And I will follow
Where it is you lead
You're supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
I'm a mystery
But you're amazing
Tell you my secrets
You hold them like a child
You're a ray of light
In my darkest night
I'm a mystery
So tired of chasing shadows
You're a ray of light
In my darkest night
I can feel your light
So tired of chasing shadows
So let it shine
Let it shine
Let it shine
Let it shine
Let it shine
I'm a playboy
You're the star that lights my way
I must be the star that lights my way
My name is Janine and I'm an alcoholic.
And happy 4th of July.
Welcome to the Monday night Blue Chip speaker meeting at NAVA Club
where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells us her story.
This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language
and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God.
They give a fair cross-section of our membership
and a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives.
We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste.
Our hope is that many alcoholics, men and women, in our rooms tonight
and listening later on aabloochipspeakers.org
desperately in need will hear our speaker
and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems
that any of us shall be persuaded to say,
yes, I am one of them too, I must have this thing.
So tonight's...
Our speaker, first I have to say, when I was first getting sober
that my sponsor told me I needed to stick with the winners
and our speaker tonight is definitely one of those winners
and definitely an excellent example of how AA works.
Lisa?
My name is Lisa, I'm an alcoholic.
I didn't make notes, but I have something that I want to start with
that I'm going to get the housekeeping out of the way.
Can everybody hear me okay?
Okay.
My sobriety date is February 16th, 2005.
I have a sponsor, Lynn T., who has a sponsor, a sponsor, it goes up,
and I sponsor women.
My home group is everybody's meeting on Monday and Friday in Decatur at 8 o'clock
and I have a service position there
and that's really what I was told to do from the beginning.
Get a sponsor, work steps, and that's what I've done.
And...
I got sober...
Actually, let me...
I wanted to read a little bit first.
I was told to have a beginning and an ending and let God fill in the rest, so...
This is from...
I think this is either in the big book or somewhere from Grapevine.
I think it's in the big book.
If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be no reservation of any kind
nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol.
And I just really liked that because I thought when I read that,
I think I got in a daily reader that I'm really grateful that by the time I ended up in AA
that I really knew that I couldn't drink like a normal person.
What it was like for me in the beginning was I come from a family full of alcoholics.
My mother is an alcoholic.
She has been in and out of recovery.
My grandmother is an alcoholic who died of alcoholism.
And so I was bound and determined not to be an alcoholic.
So I really did not start drinking until a little bit later in life.
But growing up in the disease of alcoholism, I don't think this made me an alcoholic.
I really think I was born an alcoholic and just needed to add alcohol.
That's just, you know...
Obviously, these are all my opinions, but that's how I feel about it.
But...
They...
So we...
All the things that come along...
My mother divorced my dad when I was less than a year old.
I was born in San Francisco and ended up here because of my grandparents.
And we moved around every...
Very often, every six months to a year.
My mother loves...
We get along today thanks to the 12-step programs that I'm involved with.
But...
That...
She laughs and says,
Oh, honey, I've never been attracted to boring men.
And I'm like...
You know, she always liked addicts and alcoholics.
And, you know, I guess I can't say anything because I'm kind of the same way.
But...
So we had...
Unfortunately, a lot of...
From multiple people, they would either be abusive to her or us.
There was sexual abuse, mental, physical abuse, emotional abuse.
Not from my mom, but from the men that she selected.
Not all of them were that way, but...
So...
And I didn't understand what alcoholism was, but I was bound and determined not to be like that.
Just whatever that was, I didn't want to be that way.
And...
But I...
I've heard people say this before, and I think it's true.
I should have had...
I would have felt better if I'd had a drink before I did.
Because I...
I don't know.
I was just very...
Very...
On edge all the time.
Things were always changing, and I felt like I had no control over it.
But...
I...
Didn't start drinking until I was actually in my 20s.
And once I started drinking, I was like...
I found my friend.
I could finally relax.
I could...
I was very shy.
There's this...
I laugh.
There's a...
A diagnosis for people who have anxiety about blushing.
And that...
I used to blush.
I could just say a word, and I would blush.
So it was very awkward socially.
And it didn't feel like I really fit in.
I moved around a lot, so I didn't have a lot of long-term friends.
And...
So I...
When I started drinking, you know, I could loosen up.
I could talk to people.
I could dance.
I could have a good time.
I do have to say, before I started drinking, though, I did have an...
Eating disorder.
And that's kind of been off and on.
My first love of trying to control things and how I felt was food.
I've been intermittently anorexic and a binge eater before there was a diagnosis for that.
But once I got into 12-step recovery, I have not really had...
Been able to be that controlling with my food anymore.
So that's kind of changed.
But...
So I was always trying, even though I thought I wasn't.
You know, like...
Like my mother.
I was always trying to control something to make myself feel different.
But then I found alcohol.
And...
And...
I...
During this time, also, in my early 20s, I went through bankruptcy.
And...
Kind of struggled.
I've been poor.
I grew up poor.
We were very poor on welfare and food stamps.
And...
I...
You know, I can live for...
And I did for a long time.
Probably into my 30s.
So I was working...
Multiple jobs.
And going to school.
Put myself through school.
Didn't really have a lot of social support.
None from my parents.
And...
But...
So I started drinking.
And intermittent binge drinking.
So I wasn't like a daily drinker.
I would periodically binge drink.
And I didn't think that there was anything wrong with that.
I just thought that's what people do.
You go out and you have a good time.
And...
Drugs are not really...
That's a big part of my story.
I did...
I haven't told this in my story before.
But I did sort of...
I did purchasing supplies for a vet hospital.
I sort of purchased some things illegally.
Sort of legally.
And reappropriated them.
But...
And I...
I...
I drive substitute for alcohol.
But it was nice because I didn't have calories.
That's terrible to say.
But alcohol is a lot of calories.
And if you're trying to do one or the other.
And...
So...
And I...
You know...
To this day I never really put this together.
When I ran out of that.
I was really depressed.
And was...
I never really put it together.
The times in my life where I was depressed and suicidal.
And I was not able to drink or use like I would normally.
And I actually...
Was so depressed that I had a gun to my head.
And I hated myself.
Because I couldn't pull the trigger.
And...
And I never really put it together with the fact that I ran out of the thing that was keeping me...
What I liked about alcohol and any other substance that changed how I felt was...
It sort of just took the edge off.
Like I felt normal.
Like I could breathe.
Like I didn't have that tense, that tight feeling.
That I felt like I walked around with a large percentage of the time.
But I'm...
So I'm going to school.
Um...
Actually ended up getting a degree.
And um...
Got a job finally.
Like a real big girl job.
Um...
And I want to say during that time is when I started to develop um...
A relationship with God.
Um...
Part of my training there was a woman that um...
Said something that I heard.
And for the most part I was an atheist.
I grew up with parents who didn't raise us with religion.
Um...
You know my dad was an atheist.
Living back in California.
But my mom was Catholic.
Um...
But really never took us to church.
Um...
It was a long time before I really understood what was going on.
Because nobody ever told me anything.
Um...
It's...
Yeah.
So it was a long time before.
I mean I can remember being really mad that...
Um...
Nobody told me that Jesus was born on Christmas Day.
Um...
I was like what?
I thought it was all about Santa and gifts.
And the Easter.
You know that was really hard to figure out.
If you have no...
You know nobody tells you.
I mean like what?
That was so confusing to me.
I thought it was all about you know the Easter Bunny.
And so my religious like...
I just didn't want to be brought up with it.
Um...
But this woman said to me what you're going to do is going to be hard.
Um...
If you don't have a God you better start working on you know getting some type of God.
Um...
And I just heard that for whatever reason.
And when I went into my profession that I still do now.
I um...
I really took that to heart.
And actually started looking at different kind of religions.
I think I went to a temple and um...
Took a class on Judaism and just sort of started thinking about it.
But I was still um...
Drinking intermittently.
It hadn't caused me any problems at this point.
Um...
And I thought you know even though...
When I started drinking I um...
I called them.
I thought I never...
I knew enough.
I got educated about what alcoholism was.
And so I understood.
Um...
And I was not a daily drinker.
I hadn't lost shots.
I mean after all...
I mean it did take me 10 years to get my degree.
But...
Um...
That's because it was expensive.
Um...
But uh...
And I was just like...
I was just crazy.
I had um...
I don't know.
I struggled with um...
Asking for help.
And...
I wanted...
I just thought I had to do everything on my own.
Um...
And...
So...
I think life got better for me when I wasn't totally broke all the time.
Um...
But I was still not an alcoholic.
I did not call them blackouts.
I called them grayouts.
Because I only lost short periods of time.
It wasn't like an actual day...
Day long thing.
Um...
Now I look back.
I mean of course I never really acknowledged them at the time.
But um...
I uh...
I also unfortunately drank and drove.
Even though I knew better.
Um...
But whenever I...
I closed down the bar.
And...
I always started drinking water and coffee.
Because you know.
That sobers you up.
You know.
Um...
But I always wanted to just drive home.
I didn't want to take a taxi.
I just wanted to be in my own car.
Um...
I do remember one time.
And I don't usually share much about my drunk-a-logs.
But I was um...
This reminded me of it.
I was downtown.
And I saw the masquerade.
I did a lot of drinking at the masquerade.
And um...
I was there with my boyfriend.
Who was more drunk than me.
And um...
So I drove.
Um...
Because I'm a very good driver.
And um...
And I was driving down Ponce.
And I think I was in the blackout.
Um...
And I came to.
And there was like...
Light...
Lights.
Blue lights in the mirror.
And um...
There was a bullhorn.
And he...
I couldn't understand him.
And I was like...
My boyfriend was no help at all.
And I don't know if he's passed out.
I don't really remember him being that helpful.
But um...
I didn't pull over.
Because I couldn't understand him.
I thought...
I'm not going to pull over.
I can't understand him.
And I just kept driving.
And I probably was driving really slow.
But...
And then he disappeared.
Um...
And I should have gotten pulled over.
And gotten a DUI.
But um...
For whatever reason.
Um...
I didn't.
And I've never um...
Been in trouble with the law.
But I should have been.
Um...
Because I got into trouble.
Uh...
I drank and drove.
And...
And um...
You know...
Did things that weren't...
Necessarily on the up and up.
Um...
But I...
I...
I...
Let's see.
So periodic binge drinking.
I never really tried to control my drinking.
I know when I first started reading in the big book about um...
And this is in Al-Anon.
I was a big book Al-Anon.
My mom um...
Got 12 stepped into AA by a co-worker of mine.
Um...
By this time I'm kind of working.
Um...
Making more money.
Um...
Doing a little more periodic binge drinking.
What I noticed over my drinking career is that...
The drinking got closer.
It got closer and closer together.
I would do it when I didn't mean to.
Um...
When I'm...
You know...
All the things you read about.
I made a solemn oath that I wasn't going to do this at this time.
It was a bad time to do it.
And like...
That's the one thing that I'm grateful for.
Is I know there is no...
I have no defense against first drink.
Um...
And...
You know...
Thankfully I was relieved of that.
Um...
When I came into the program with Alcoholics Anonymous.
But...
Um...
I'm going to get...
I'm going to stay sober on time.
So...
Um...
I...
I don't want to keep people late.
I um...
Periodic binge drinking.
My mom...
Um...
Got sober about...
Um...
I had...
She hit her bottom and it was mostly on pills.
My mom was...
Uh...
Got sober through AA.
But was mostly um...
A prescription pill addict.
Um...
She hit her bottom on multiple psychiatric drugs.
And um...
Because she found a writer.
Um...
Somebody who would dole out...
My mom's intelligent.
And she would call me and say,
Honey, I have a new diagnosis.
Send a new medication to go with it.
And I was like, oh my God.
Uh...
That was...
You know...
And that's...
Her bottom was my bottom and my Al-Anon bottom.
Um...
Because I um...
Always felt responsible for her.
Um...
And I...
But I still like...
I'm not like she was.
I mean she's really crazy.
Um...
You know I just...
I just blow out steam every once in a while.
I mean that's normal, right?
Um...
So...
I...
The guy who 12-stepped her into AA
actually tried to 12-step me into AA.
Um...
Because he's seen me drinking.
But I was like...
He does not understand.
Um...
And I was funny because I'd never
remember hearing about Al-Anon.
But obviously somebody planted the seed in my head
because I thought, well I'm not going to go to AA.
But I need Al-Anon because
clearly my mother is the problem.
Um...
Um...
So...
But it took me about a year
because I didn't want to do it.
I just didn't want to.
I've been in therapy.
I've done a lot of therapy on my
childhood things that happened to me.
Um...
Group therapy and um...
Uh...
Not...
Not a time because it's expensive.
But um...
I um...
I just didn't want to.
So...
About a year into her recovery
I hit my Al-Anon bottom
and couldn't stand it anymore.
And um...
Went to an Al-Anon meeting
and got a sponsor
and actually started working the steps.
And um...
On my first night I met her
and she was big with Al-Anon.
So as an Al-Anon I went through the big book
but I didn't relate to it
because I wasn't an alcoholic.
Um...
I didn't...
You know, I didn't drink like...
Um...
I didn't drink like Bill Wilson.
Like I just...
I found the reasons for myself
not to be an alcoholic.
Not to belong.
Um...
And...
So I kind of kept up this period.
I had binge drinking
but as I said
the times that um...
went between
uh...
the drinking got closer and closer
and um...
I...
When I think about step one
um...
I...
At the end I definitely knew
I was powerless over alcohol
but unmanageability for me
um...
was a little bit different
because I had lost jobs.
I was still working.
Um...
I actually was in the military.
Um...
I got into the military
because in my early 40s
because that seemed like a good idea.
Um...
I'm not that good in the military
but um...
It was fun.
I mean I did a lot of cool stuff
and um...
But the drink...
The drinking definitely accelerated.
Um...
It's a great place to find out
if you're an alcoholic
because it's very condoned
um...
as part of the culture.
Um...
And I can remember doing training things
and they were like
everybody was drinking.
Um...
And I would be like
no this is bad.
I don't need to be drinking now.
And I would end up drinking.
Um...
And...
You know I was the person
who would go around
and drink everybody's flasks
if they left it there too long
because you know
I just...
I just...
I just drank.
And that's the one thing that
um...
that I...
At the end though
I did try controlled drinking.
I talked to a woman
who is now my sponsor
that I've known
um...
who saw me drinking
um...
before I even got into Al-Anon
I knew her from work
and um...
I would be like
will you see me drink?
I'm not...
I'm not really an alcoholic
because I really didn't want to...
I loved alcohol.
I did not want to stop drinking.
And that's what...
why it took me so long
to really kind of acknowledge
that um...
I was powerless over alcohol
um...
because
I felt like I could handle it.
I never...
I just drank.
I drank when it was around.
I drank if somebody passed me
a drink.
I drank when it was around.
I never knew
sometimes I could control it.
Um...
Not real often.
I was usually aware
of how much I was drinking
if I was controlling it.
But um...
I never tried
that often to stop
and I never tried
to not drink
usually if somebody
passed me a drink.
Um...
So...
At the end though
I did try
what's suggested
in the big book
which is...
Well I've tried
a couple things.
Once I tried
to stop
stay away for a year
and that's
didn't really work out.
Well I went a long time
but then I forgot
um...
and drank again.
And then this time though
I tried the daily
drinking.
Um...
Drinking just a little bit
because I mean
I didn't have a problem.
I can control it.
Um...
And that's the first time
that I really started to
really catch in
my obsession.
Um...
And then I really understood
and um...
what it feels like
to be like
wake up in the morning.
I mean I wasn't
a morning drinker
because that means
you're an alcoholic.
Um...
But it's...
And towards the end
um...
I really wanted to drink
in the morning
and I thought
oh God
this is not good.
Um...
But I still tried
to control it
for a little while
but I um...
My sponsor told me
to do something
which I think
um...
helped in my
hitting my bottom
which was
I prayed.
I had um...
When I got into Al-Anon
I did um...
develop a relationship
with a higher power
God of my understanding
and um...
So I was praying.
I was praying.
I said the third
and seventh step prayer.
Um...
And I don't think
I think the only
I think the way
that that helped me
was because
um...
I had a shorter
period of time
where I was drinking
daily.
You know
a head full of
um...
AA
and a belly full of alcohol.
Um...
It just was a really
painful place to be in.
I was away from home.
I didn't have any
of my friends around.
I had a pretty good
support network here.
And um...
When I hit my bottom
I was alone.
I didn't like
what I was doing really.
And um...
And I uh...
I just was getting
nothing from
from God
and I wasn't sure
what to do.
And I um...
Called AA.
I called the hotline.
Um...
And I'm
you know
I'm grateful that
that it went down
that way.
I um...
You know
I had to pick up the phone.
I didn't really
have you know
my support network.
I couldn't lean on
and say
hey can I go to a meeting
with you?
And um...
So I went
I think it was the next night
I didn't even have a meeting
close to me that night
because it was a pretty
small town where I got sober.
And um...
I knew
that I couldn't
that I was powerless
over the first drink
and that I um...
was powerless
over alcohol.
And my life
was unmanageable
in a
in weird sort of ways
but um...
I was going to say
when I introduced myself
my name is
Louisa.
I'm an alcoholic.
I'm a real
alcoholic.
That's the kind
it says in the big book
and the reason
I was going to say it
that way
is because
when I got sober
there was this guy
who introduced himself
that way
and um...
I was really
like he said
when he told the story
um...
some of you
in here tonight
are not real
alcoholics
like me
and um...
you know
he even alluded
to the fact
that people
who come in
the back way
like through
Al-Anon
weren't really
alcoholics
and I was just
very offended
by that
but actually
in retrospect
I um...
I'm grateful
for that experience
because
what it caused
me to do
was to like
uh...
really earn my seat
um...
I started going
what does he mean
by that?
I deserve to be here
just as much
as anybody else
um...
there's you know
there's tradition
three or five
the one that says
the only requirement
three
um...
that's right
the tradition is
um...
the only requirement
for membership
is a desire
to stop drinking
um...
and that
and I'm
you know
and I read through
the big book
because I um...
well I wasn't
real happy
to be an alcoholic
I was really pissed
off about it
to be honest
with you
um...
I was mad
and I wasn't happy
I actually did
though
get a sponsor
on my first night
it was a women's
meeting
and I picked her
mostly because
I just thought
I was going to
go into the meeting
and get a white chip
and just sit
in the back
um...
but that did not
happen
uh...
they don't have
white chips
in Illinois
they have stars
and cards
um...
so I have a white card
that I got
at 30 days
and I went back
and got a card
at a year
and they actually
put little stars
for every year
you've been sober
after that
so I was pissed off
because I couldn't
get a white chip
um...
and because I
called my sponsor
and I said
what am I supposed
to do
I mean this is
ridiculous
what am I supposed
to do
this is my sobriety
date or something
stupid like that
I mean
I don't know
I was just
mad
um...
so um...
actually people
talked directly
to me in the meeting
I had a woman
get up and sit
down beside me
and hold my hand
during the meeting
and talk
like to my face
I was so mortified
and then
this woman
came up to me
after the meeting
and said
oh my god
that was terrible
and I said
yes it was
will you be my
sponsor
and um...
I started
working the steps
um...
out of the big book
in a different way
than I have
before
I have had
the opportunity
of moving
multiple times
in my life
in sobriety
um...
and
I've always been
the kind of person
that said
um...
I'm not going to be
that person
that has a hard time
when I move
I'm flexible
I'm easy going
um...
you know
I'm not all uptight
and every single time
I've moved
I've had a hard time
fitting back
into sobriety
wherever I've gone
and eventually
it grows on me
but um...
I just
every single time
but um...
so when I moved
back into Atlanta
I actually had
kind of had a hard time
I got
a sponsor
um...
the woman
that I was talking to
before I left
went
started working
the steps again
um...
and
I
had a harder time
plugging back
into Atlanta
um...
I don't know why
um...
just because
it was different
I had gone to
in Illinois
the meetings
were an hour and a half
you had a break
about an hour
um...
I did my 90-90
I was going to say
so I
I don't know
where I got sober
was a clubhouse
where you had to
introduce yourself
and say you're an alcoholic
and I was
every single time
because it was close
to where I was
living temporarily
um...
and by day 31
I was so excited
to say
not have to raise my hand
and say I was an alcoholic
but that
I think was good
for me as well
um...
just to kind of
part of that
earning my seat
um...
and
oh I know
um...
when I was reading
through the big book
I was looking for
what a bottom
was
um...
and I've yet
to find that
um...
it's not in there
I mean they talk about
their drinking experiences
and what
what was really important
for me in the beginning
was to listen to
the similarities
not the differences
and um...
that really helped
because I think
that's what I was doing
when I was in Al-Anon
I would hear anybody
and I would just look
for all the differences
the reasons that I wasn't
an alcoholic
and um...
you know
I've been through
the book
a lot
um...
with these
working steps
and
the more I read it
that just
I continue to more
see more and more
how I can relate
um...
and how I drank
the same way
just not to the extent
that they did
um...
so I'm grateful
for that
uh...
suggestion
but
so I came back to
Atlanta
uh...
eventually got a home group
uh...
was working through
the steps
with my sponsor
and then
um...
in a couple years sober
I
um...
let's see
I uh...
decided
let's see
I learned how to skydive
cause that's fun
I went hang gliding
I got tattooed
and
and um...
I had a job here
and I was
but still I was bored
so I decided to go back
to school again
um...
at
I don't know
45
to get another degree
and um...
during
a couple years before that
my dad
um...
might have been
an alcoholic
he described himself
as an alcoholic
um...
I kind of learned
to stop figuring that out
cause it really
didn't matter
um...
I
thanks to the program
of Al-Anon
I um...
developed a relationship
again with my
uh...
dad
and my mom
um...
and um...
that
really deepened
and we got along
you know
much better
I stopped hating them
for the things
that happened to me
um...
in my childhood
but um...
my dad was diagnosed
with lung cancer
I think um...
I think about the time
I got sober
he had surgery
and he um...
was cancer free
for a while
but uh...
so
I am just kind of
sharing this
as an um...
I guess an 11th
step
um...
sort of experience
for me
um...
you know
I had gone through
all the steps
and um...
I was praying
I've prayed daily
for a long time
the 3rd and 7th step
I do
like I said
I sponsor women
um...
one of my longest
time sponsees
is
just got 8 years
um...
and I continue
to sponsor women
and take them
through the steps
but um...
I continually
work on my relationship
with my higher power
today
our God
um...
and
I kind of
that was one of the things
that I fought
when I first came to God
when I first came to God
when I first came in
because I thought
now I was erased
with religion
but I had a chip
on my shoulder
about religion
um...
I was convinced
that somebody
was going to jump out
and ask me to believe
that Jesus Christ
was my personal savior
I just knew it
or somebody
was going to ask me
to believe a certain way
or a certain thing
and I mean
we do say the Lord's Prayer
and things like that
you know
so it gets
for someone to believe
that you know
there's going to be
a certain way
that you're going to
have to believe eventually
but that has never happened
um...
and you know
that's one of the
wonderful things
is that we get to have
our own concept of God
and um...
and I'm
mine is kind of big
I have a big God today
and I'm grateful for that
I um...
I
for a long time
I kind of wanted to put
my God in a box
and I'm saying God
mostly because it's short
and easy to say
but um...
you know
I wanted to be able
to understand it
because I thought
it would make it easier
to turn my life over
to something
that I understood
um...
but now
it's the other way around
so um...
it didn't really help
and it just made me confused
um...
the more
I found the times
that I um...
have more peace
in my life
and that was
when I'm not struggling
is when I'm just
kind of going
you know what
I don't get it
I don't understand
I can't label it
I can't make it
a certain thing
but um...
I have much more peace
when I'm not struggling
fighting
going well
people say this
or that
and I don't understand
why you're saying
this or that
and I
that's one of the things
that was really good
with my sponsors
when I would call her
and say
so and so
said this in a meeting
what does that mean
she would go
you know
you don't have to believe
what they're saying
um...
and that's one thing
you know
it's all just our opinions
when we talk in a meeting
it's all our own
experience
strength and hope
and you can take
what you like
and leave the rest
and um...
certainly that's true
tonight
and that's what I do
when I go to meetings
it helps me struggle less
um...
is just to remember
that we're all
just doing the best
that we can
um...
so
I
um...
I
had this idea
I always go back
and visit my family
and um...
in San Francisco
which is not the worst
place in the world
to visit
but I um...
decided that
I was not going to do that
this time
I was in a break
at school
and I was working
part of my
unmanageability
can be working
too much
um...
which is when I know
that my life's
getting unmanageable
so I was working
a bunch
and going
to work
and going to work
and going to school
and my dad was
cancer free
and I was decided
I was going to
take a car trip
and go up the east coast
and hang out with friends
and just do some stuff
like that
but I kept getting
this like nagging
feeling that I should
go home
that I needed to go home
and I fought
with that inner voice
you know
I just had to struggle
with that
and finally
I talked to my sponsor
I mean I did the whole
thing like
angst over this thing
and finally
I decided to just go
see my dad
um...
not do
what I wanted to do
um...
even though I thought
well he
his last scan
was good
he's fine
um...
so I got off the
um...
this was in August
I got off
the airplane
and I got in the car
and he
I closed the door
and he said
well my cancer's back
and um...
it's in my brain
and it's probably
in my liver
and my dad
my dad
was very
it's like
if you think of an
English gentleman
extremely stoic
um...
just
never
displayed a lot
of emotion
was not very
um...
he got more
loving towards the end
but he just
my grandmother
was not very
um...
loving
she was actually
she just passed away
recently
it's mean to say
she lived to be 94
because she was mean
as a snake
she was mean
um...
luckily I had
luckily I had
my one grandmother
the alcoholic
um...
she was sweet
I mean I loved her
um...
so
um...
anyway
so my dad
uh...
told me that
and
what I didn't know
at the time was
it was the last time
I was able to be with him
when he was able to walk
because he
became paralyzed
from bone cancer
about two months later
um...
and
if I hadn't
gone
if I hadn't
listened to my gut
and gone
I would have missed out
on that opportunity
um...
we always kind of
did the same thing
except I always felt
like the kid
when I went out there
we would always go
to these certain places
we would eat
to certain restaurants
and um...
you know
when he was sick
that's one of the things
that hit me
I didn't want it to change
I wanted to stay that way
forever
um...
so I was flying
I was in school
working and flying
back and forth
to California
which I'm grateful
that I could afford
to do that
um...
and
a little bit crazy
um...
just a little
but I taught
I had the um...
opportunity
to talk with him
about um...
what it was going
to be like
uh...
I did ask him
if he wanted me
to be there
when he died
and he said
I should laugh
but he said
no
you've seen people
die before right
and I'm like
yeah
and I told my story
once and I
I realized
I didn't say
I'm in health care
I'm in health care
I was like
people probably
think I'm really weird
um...
I work in a hospital
so um...
that was his response
you know
stiff upper lip
I'm not going to
get to hat or anything
um...
and
uh...
so I was
honestly I was
kind of relieved
um...
because
it was hard
it was harder
much harder
when it's your
family member
but um...
so I was
supposed to
go out there
on Thanksgiving
Day
um...
and
I did
um...
I flew out
on Thanksgiving
Day
and he
he waited
I didn't think
he would
but he did
um...
he was in and out
of this kind of
coma
until
I got there
and when I landed
he passed away
within about
two or three hours
of me being there
um...
and I think
a lot of that
I was more there
for my stepmom
because I was the only one
who could stay with him
um...
it was me and her
and
some stranger
came in
and kept talking
while he was dying
it was weird
it was a weird experience
um...
and I guess
it was good in a way
because it distracted her
um...
while he was dying
I don't know
um...
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
it was odd
but um...
so you know
I'm grateful
that I was able
to show up
I um...
I
in emotional
situations
I can be a runner
um...
when my dad
my grandfather
passed away
um...
my grandmother
I wasn't around at all
when my grandmother
passed away
when my grandfather
passed away
I was there
more at the end
um...
but
one of the last things
that he said to me
he died
suddenly
unexpectedly
I mean he was
80
in his 80s
but um...
he was in the hospital
and I had gone
to see him
and they were coming
to invade him
and I had to do something
you know
I'm always
off doing something
and the last thing
he said to me
was he goes
oh there goes Lisa
she's always in a hurry
um...
that stinks
when that's the last thing
that somebody says to you
I told him I loved him
but you know
that was
that was the last voice
out of his mouth
and so I was running
out the door
um...
and I was able
to be there
for my
um...
my dad
in a way
that I wasn't able
to be there
for other people
but um...
and I think
you know
to AA
and Eleanor
and I am able
to have a relationship
again with my mother
there have been years
that I haven't talked
to her at all
um...
and
you know
now I
I go shopping
with her
um...
she's so crazy
as ever
um...
I say she's
kind of in and out
she doesn't drink
but occasionally
she smokes
marijuana
my mother's
71
um...
you know
and I
I just
have not
trying to control
what she does
um...
I'm like
really mom
with your memory
problems
you probably
don't need
to be doing that
but she goes
oh honey
I can't get my hands
on it that much
I'm like
okay
okay mom
um...
she's funny
but you know
the good thing
is I can laugh
about it
um...
because for a long time
I really
I really
hated her
um...
for kind of
not keeping us
safe
when we were
growing up
and I had a lot
of resentments
but I still felt
responsible
for taking care
of her
so that's
my
other disease
um...
so
today
um...
I
like I said
I have a home group
I have worked
the steps
I just
um...
recently did
a fourth and fifth step
I am
actually
temporarily
relocating
in the near future
I always laugh
I have lived
in Athens
it's one of the
other places
that I've lived
um...
after I got my
education
I did go up
to Athens
um...
and
worked up there
for a year
and got to experience
surviving in Athens
and I loved it
I had a home group
and it was a really
good group of people
um...
I actually
fell in love
with the weavers
and the serenity prayer
because that's what
they all said
I know
um...
and
you know
every place
that I've gone
people love me
into the program
of Alcoholics Anonymous
and I'm really
grateful for that
um...
but I'm temporarily
relocating in September
to the Antarctica
for six months
um...
and they have
one of the first
things I did
was I started
looking for meetings
um...
they have one
um...
in a tiny church
that's there
um...
because
um...
you know
AA is everywhere
it's even on the
bottom of the earth
um...
and that's
the cool thing
like I'm going to have
my people are going
to be there
um...
you know
that's the one thing
I never found
I never belonged
I never belonged
anywhere
and
I never felt like
I fit in
anywhere
because I moved
around a lot
and um...
you know
and here I found
my people
um...
and I feel a part of
and I feel like
I've been able
to live my life
in a way
that is much
fuller
because of
the program
of Alcoholics Anonymous
and for that
I'm very grateful
um...
and I
am going to
close with
a reading
from
The Language of the Heart
by Bill Wilson
some of his
um...
writings
from the
grapevine
um...
but this is
something that
I really liked
um...
from the beginning
communication in AA
has been unusual
and sometimes unique
because of our
kinship and suffering
and because our
common means of
deliverance
are effective
for ourselves
only when
constantly carried
to others
our channels of contact
have always been charged
with the language
of the heart
and that's it
applause
applause
thank you so much Lisa
Antarctica will be
uh... lucky to have you
they might think
it's the top of the earth
laughter
thank you one and all
for joining
the blue chip speaker
meeting tonight
I'm a plane
and you're the sky
without you
I cannot fly
I'm a plane
you left me up
and
given me
a place
to land
you're the sunlight
on my skin
clapping
leaves
ovation
in
my mind
I'm a plane
and you're the sky
i mean
you
me
you
can
in
Fill your life
So let it shine
You pick up the pieces
You make it seem so easy
Put me back together
I'm light as a feather again
You're a shepherd
I was a stranger
You're the star that lights my way
You're the star that lights my way
And I will follow
Where it is you lead
You're supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
I'm a mystery
But you're amazing
Tell you my secrets
You hold them like a child
You're a ray of light
In my darkest night
I'm a mystery
So tired of chasing shadows
You're a ray of light
In my darkest night
I can feel your light
So tired of chasing shadows
So let it shine
Let it shine
Let it shine
Let it shine
Let it shine
I'm a playboy
You're the star that lights my way
I must be the star that lights my way
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