Took a Vow of Obedience but the Only Direction I Ever Followed Was to the Liquor Cabinet — Bea O.

About This Speaker Tape

Bea, an Irish-born nun who entered religious life hoping to become a saint, shares how alcoholism slowly overtook her despite a life of prayer and service. Raised in Northern Ireland after her father was killed by a falling tree when she was eight, she was thrust into a caretaking role for her four younger siblings — planting the seeds of resentment, isolation, and a fierce need for control that would define her alcoholic personality. She volunteered for a mission in Southern California in 1964, where a parishioner's poolside margaritas unlocked something she had never felt: relief. She describes the moment alcohol hit her system as dying and going straight to heaven.

Her drinking escalated quietly under cover of Vatican II reforms, convent celebrations, and trips to a mortician friend's trailer in Ensenada, Mexico. She tried a 30-day silent retreat to pray the problem away — and spent the break day visiting Napa Valley wineries. Prescription drugs from a doctor who diagnosed stress failed to satisfy her the way alcohol did. After her beloved Uncle John died of alcoholism in Ireland, she managed four dry months before relapsing. She finally called a hotline from a pamphlet in a magazine called Sisters Today, insisting she only wanted to learn to control and enjoy her drinking.

Her early AA experience was reluctant and combative — she corrected the Big Book's grammar at the beach, fired multiple sponsors, and sat terrified in eye makeup at Serenity Hall in Whittier. The turning point came during her Seventh Step prayer, when she experienced a vision of a Father Higher Power who accepted her completely, good and bad, without conditions — the unconditional love she had taught others about but never believed applied to her. She describes this as the moment she understood self-acceptance for the first time.

The talk builds to a passionate exploration of the promises found after every step in the Big Book — not just the famous ones on pages 83-84, but dozens of others she had only recently discovered after years of sobriety. She reads them as personal letters addressed to herself: that she will stop fighting, find a position of neutrality, look the world in the eye, and realize Higher Power is doing for her what she could never do alone. She closes with The Little Prince's secret — that what is essential is invisible to the eye — and calls AA the classiest opportunity she has ever been given.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Introduction by the chair; Bea takes the podium in North Vancouver
• 3:00 Father killed in a logging accident when Bea was eight; mother asks her to help raise the children
• 7:00 Decides to become a saint by entering the convent; years teaching children in England
• 11:00 Volunteers for California mission in 1964; clashes with the pastor who painted the doors orange
• 15:00 First margaritas at Rose's pool party — describes feeling like she died and went to heaven
• 22:00 Vatican II relaxes the rules; drinking escalates at rectory gatherings and the mortician's trailer in Ensenada
• 30:00 30-day silent retreat fails; visits Napa Valley on break day; Uncle John dies of alcoholism
• 38:00 Calls the Sisters Today hotline; first terrifying meeting at Serenity Hall in Whittier
• 45:00 Early sobriety struggles — correcting the Big Book, firing sponsors, resisting directions
• 52:00 Seventh Step spiritual awakening — vision of an unconditionally loving Father Higher Power during the prayer on page 76
• 58:00 Passionate tour of the promises after every step; closes with The Little Prince — what is essential is invisible to the eye