Thirteen Years Sober and Planning to Jump Off the Building Before My Sponsor Said Get Professional Help – Sandy W.

we have sandy tonight i'm sandy i'm alcoholic sponsor always told me to get dressed well i was dressed all right i'm alcoholic so i need to tell what it was like what happened and what it's like now a couple things like uh i have probably can count on two hands how many times i've been drunk i was more into dry goods for those that uh believe that they can you know that are in that situation believe that they can still drink more power to you i was not one of those people so i was born in connecticut i would say probably the first years of my life that i don't remember were pretty good i do remember being in school just wanting to be loved by everybody and it's not like i wasn't loved by my family because i was i just felt like i needed to have people like me i needed to have people like me i needed to have people like me i needed to have people like me have attention at my aunt's wedding i was think i was like five when my aunt got married to give you an idea so there was this tree out in front of the church and i had a i was wearing a tux and i was like yay big i had tails and i was like i'm gonna climb this tree so i was like out there before the wedding climbing a tree in my tuxedo and uh people were just kind of chasing me around and that is kind of the story of my life just kind of like just doing wild shit probably around you know the age of eight to get people's approval i just lied about shit all the time all the time for no reason at all like i would say yeah i have a nintendo at home uh no i didn't my father was not gonna let that happen another thing about my family is like everybody was like super hyper successful family of overachievers and there was always pressure to be successful especially in academics i did not want to be successful in academics i wanted to be cool and all the you know this was back in the day when being a nerd being into school was not cool right or at least in my eyes it was not cool and kind of you know i just kind of fucked off i remember coming home getting home before my dad my dad would come home and he'd be like you do your homework i'd be like yeah no for a while i did not because what i wanted to do was plop down in front of the tv and watch movies or watch something shortly after i turned eight my parents were like you know they were having some issues and they were like you know we're gonna we're gonna get divorced i have a sister but well i had a sister by the way we'll get to that my sister was was home from my sister went to boarding school in connecticut so and so and where i was raised i have kind of jumped around here where i was raised was in new jersey um and so after i was born we moved to maryland for a bit and then we moved to new jersey and that's that's where i grew up and that's where i did that's where i started drinking parents are going to get a divorce and shit was just kind of falling apart with me and i was like i'm gonna get divorced and i'm gonna get my parents like they were sleeping in separate bedrooms um shortly thereafter my father uh was going to lose his job because of his position the way it worked was is like so um he worked in he worked in government and so the governor appointed you know this guy and then this guy appointed this guy right so it was governor um chancellor vice chancellor and that was my dad my dad was the chancellor dude was retiring his replacement was gonna or was his replacement was gonna not be him right because he had the the dude had to pick so it was just kind of um messed up right and and uh home life was other than the divorce pretty normal um whatever that means um i never wanted um i pretty much got whatever i wanted um and uh uh so my parents also like really wanted to like um culture me so like they made me like try out for plays and organ lessons and you know they they maybe um auditioned for the choir this that and the other right um and so um one night so me and my mother went to my organ lesson and we we got done we came home and we opened the garage door and for her side and there was a car in there typically that's that's not the case um so we get out we go we go towards the car and my mom gets there first and she says she looks into the car the car is running she looks in it's like yo your dad's trying to kill himself you need to go call 9-1-1 so i run to the neighbors call 9-1-1 although my dad does not and so my mom gets up she gets out and i go i get up she goes and wags her head like that she starts to talk and she's like she's like what are you talking about you need to answer i mean like you're watching this so you're a child and you have a child and you're a mom and i'm like what are you talking about you're talking about me and i'm like oh this is the real problem you don't know what's going on people don't know what's going on you don't know what's going on i'd been thinking about it for a long time and it was like i was a kid at school and i was like what's going on i'ma think i'm gonna have to go to school i'm gonna find somebody to teach me to teach me how to do that this is a Rogues Dudes so i was like yeah we're gonna have to do this out of school. And I also remember like taking advantage of the situation, right? So I was like, all right, well, you know, I don't really have to go to school. I can just kind of fuck off. And, and, uh, so that was when I was nine. Passed me into fourth grade, you know, in where I grew up in New Jersey. I know sometimes middle school and other places is sixth grade where I grew up was fifth grade. So I'm also like, I was bullied like you wouldn't believe in school. Um, so start middle school, still completely fucking off. Um, did not want to do school. Um, I can actually remember like, so we had these like math tests where, um, they were timed and when you finished, you know, you wrote your time on the paper, right? So I wanted the fastest time. I would just write numbers on the paper. Um, and that eventually actually got me in trouble. But so, so and behold, um, so that was, yeah, so that was, uh, uh, that would have been 1990. And so Christmas time, 1990, my sister comes home and she wasn't feeling well. She comes home for Christmas and she wasn't feeling well. She couldn't like eat anything. And so we took her to the, we took her to the doctor. Doctor was like, there's something in your throat. So they were like, you know, you need to go to the hospital. Went to the hospital. It turns out she had a tumor, um, cancer in her throat. And that was like descending. She had a tumor. She got admitted to the hospital January. She died, um, in about like 16 days before the, my father, first anniversary of my father's death. So again, you know, like I'm going to take advantage of this shit, right? So, um, yeah, I was sad. Yeah, I was fucked up, but you know, I was going to take advantage of this. And I say this, right? So like, and I say this like, like it's super fucked up, but I mean, you know, as a child, like you just, don't know. So, um, and my mom is like, I love my mom. Um, and she's great, but she has just like emotionally just like checked out. Right. So we, me and her just not like emotionally connected at all at this point. Um, uh, she had a very good job. So I was, I never wanted for anything. Um, but emotionally she was just checked out. And, and, uh, I mean, I, you know, looking back on it, I really can't fault her. She had just lost her heart. I mean, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, and her daughter. And then, you know, the following year she lost her mother. So that would have been 92. She lost her mother, my grandmother. Um, so, and by this point, um, you know, death was just, you know, I was just kind of numb to this. It was like, okay, you know, it's another, another one. And, uh, so, so yeah, so that was probably around sixth grade. And, um, I started getting into a lot of trouble around that time. So I got my first, uh, it was, uh, suspended from school my first, my first time. Um, I threw a pen at somebody and it almost gashed their eye out. Um, I got pretty lucky. Um, but yeah, I was just, I was an idiot. I was an idiot. Um, and so around, uh, around the time I was 13, I had my first drink. No, not my first drink, my first drunk. Cause my parents loved to, well, no, I loved them to give me sips of their, their alcohol. They give me sips of their alcohol. Um, and so I got drunk the first time. Um, I think maybe the summer before, before high school. Um, or no, maybe the summer, maybe it was, maybe it was, was when I was still in middle school. Um, but, uh, I remember very well, it was, uh, my mom had this like old six pack of, um, moose head and it was, warm and it was disgusting. And I remember I got very sick, um, which is kind of a thing for me. Right. So a lot of people like, you know, they develop a tolerance for alcohol. You know, they can, they can at least like, you know, they might not be able to control their drinking, but they can control the, you know, the rapidity of the, of the next drink. Right. So they say, okay, well, you know, if I drink six drinks in 10 minutes, yeah, I'm going to get sick. I didn't, I didn't have that. Right. So I was like, you know, six drinks, 10 minutes, let's go. Um, and that's probably, uh, why I didn't drink that much because I was always like, now, now, now. Um, so warm moose head, bad experience. Um, and, uh, you know, but I was cool. Right. So I was hanging out with my friends and, you know, it was cool. You know, it was cool to get drunk, even though I'd like, didn't really enjoy it. Um, which is kind of, you know, the story of, of that time of my life. Um, and then, um, right before high school, um, I got high for the first time and, um, you know, my world just like opened up. Um, you know, people talk about, you know, how there's this gradual descent to alcoholism and that, you know, and I didn't have that. Um, some people talk about, you know, like, you know, they had their, you know, their first drink and then, you know, it was, you know, maybe a week or two. It was like, that happened to me the first time. And I was like, from, from the, from the, from the, from the, from the, from the, from the, from the, from the, from the, from the moment I started, that's all I wanted to do. Um, probably like a lot of people here in this room, like I went to high school, but the only reason why I went to high school was to get loaded. Um, and so I went to high school and never went to class. We used to hang out on the sidewalk, smoke cigarettes and get wasted. Um, and so, you know, that's, that's, was just what I wanted to do. And my mom was not pleased to say the least. She was not too hip to what I was doing at this point. Um, but, uh, uh, yeah, I was just about it and I was about ripping and running and, you know, I stole from her and I don't know how many times I took all of the change out of the car. Um, because back then, if you drove on the interstate, at least in New Jersey, there were lots of tolls. And so you need to change before easy pass and all that stuff. Um, I remember like in the morning, getting ready to go to school, you know, open up a little change pocket in the car and just grabbing all the quarters or grabbing all the nickels. Um, and, uh, like I did that so many times. Um, and, uh, so, you know, at this point, like we would jokingly, you know, say me and my friends would jokingly say to each other, you know, we're, we're alcoholics or we're addicts or whatever. Um, but the friends that I hung out with then were, they were like me. Um, it was, it was very strange. Like, so a lot of the people I surrounded, I surrounded myself with were about getting loaded, uh, as much as I was, which is always a recipe for disaster. Um, and, uh, so, um, I had my first run in with the law. Uh, I got, I got drunk and where I grew up, you know, everybody hung up in town and I lived on the other side of town and we got wasted. We were drinking forties and I got sick, of course, because that's just, you know, what I do when I drink. Um, I drink so much I get sick. Um, and I remember I was like, so I had my bike and riding your bike drunk, at least for me, was not an option. Um, I tried it before. It just doesn't work. It's just not work. So I was like, all right, I'm just gonna leave my bike in town locked up and I'm going to walk home. So I got to the public library. I got to the public library. I got to the public library. And I was so wasted. I, you know, I just couldn't move. So I just like sat down behind the library and just went to the bathroom and was just like, all right, when the bathroom myself, I got, I got to go home. Um, and so I passed out for a bit, got up, began to walk home. And I remember walking and then I remember being black. And then I remember being woken up and somebody said, saying to me, Hey, come get in the car. Turns out it was a police officer. And so I got in the car. He didn't call me. I just got in, just got in and, uh, uh, took me to the police station, called my mom. I didn't get it. I didn't, you know, I didn't get arrested. Uh, but, uh, uh, my mom was pissed to say the least. My mom was pissed. Um, and I think this was probably the first time she'd realized like, okay, there's, there's, there's something going on here. Um, I failed out of school. Um, didn't fail out. I didn't fail out of school. I didn't fail out of school. I failed my first year of high school. Um, and my mom sent me to, uh, summer school. It was, uh, you know how there's like traveling, like, you know, travel camp, right? So there's summer camp, you know, you, you travel places. So this was kind of like that, but it was summer school. Um, and, uh, you know, I really couldn't get anything, but, um, I had kind of manipulated a psychiatrist to give me drugs. So I had that and, you know, I just, uh, put my head down and, and, uh, had nothing else to do but school. So I actually did very well. Um, I came home one weekend and proceeded to get arrested. Um, this was my second run with the police. Um, and this time they, they got me for possession and I had a weapon and, um, yeah, it wasn't good. My mom was, you know, as you can, as you, as I've said before, she was pissed. Uh, she was very pissed, especially because like, uh, uh, so the school that I was at summer school at, she wanted me to go to in the fall, um, because it was a boarding school as well. And they were like, nah, he's not coming back. They were like, nah. Um, so at this point, my mom had no clue what to do. Um, and so she, um, decided to send me to a wilderness program in, um, in, in, New Mexico. And when they said, you know, I went, I did, I did three months. Um, and they were like, yeah, he's not ready to go back into society. So in the nineties, there were these, well, in the eighties and nineties, there were these programs called, I think they were called emotional growth schools. And, uh, they've made some, uh, some documentaries about these kinds of places like on the, on Netflix. And, uh, I go there and it's, it's fucked up. Um, when they say emotional growth, what they really mean is sobriety through child abuse. Um, and, uh, I saw a whole bunch of my classmates get abused, um, mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually. And, um, it was wild. And, uh, it was wild. And so one of the things like, uh, I'm very good at like, you know, putting my head down and hiding. Blending into the wall. Um, and so I was like, all right, I'm just going to, you know, head down, um, and focus on school. And this was when I was introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous. Um, the school was quote unquote, um, abided by the, the four absolutes in the, in the, in the 12 steps of recovery. Um, I am glad that AA is nothing like, um, I was there for like three years. Um, did very, very well in school. Very, very well. Got into, uh, got, got into a pretty good school here in Atlanta. Um, and I graduated, was it 98? And I had been sober and I had done a four step and, and I had done all that stuff. And, and, uh, I thought I was going to make it. Um, I thought I was going to make it. I didn't do anything that I was told to do when I left. Um, but I thought I was going to make it. Um, so there were about nine, nine months in between, um, when I graduated high school. When I got out of this place and when I was going to move here to Atlanta. And let's say after about two months I drank and, uh, the story I'm probably about to tell is probably not as funny as I think it is. But, um, so the night that I drank, we had Chinese food and the night that I relapsed after three and a half years, uh, we had Chinese food in the, uh, in the fortune cookie. It said, beware of evil temptation. Um, and I was like, clearly I ignored that, right? Um, I was like whatever. Um, over the next few days I got into like three or four car accidents. Um, none of them, luckily it, none of them, uh, for none of them I was drunk. Um, but, ah, ah, you know fortune cookie was a harbinger of things to come. In fact, I blame everything on this fortune cookie. Um, everything on the fortune cookie. Um, so... You know? at this point, you know, I drank again and, um, I drank a second time, got sick, um, as I do. And I was like, well, maybe I'm going to try the sober thing again. And, uh, at this point in time, like, you know, I had not contacted any of my old friends. Um, and I just really didn't have people to hang out with and I was super lonely. And so I reached out to my old friends and their lives had not changed. Um, they were, you know, people say, you know, people say people, places and things, and that is, that is true. Um, so not the first time I hung out with them, but the second time I hung out with them, it was, it was on. Um, and, you know, in the big book, it talks about, you know, how, you know, uh, the dude that goes and mixes the milk with his, with his whiskey. He's like, you know, I got self-knowledge. Um, it's the dude that, uh, didn't drink for 30 years. I got self-knowledge, you know, I can, I can go ahead and, and drink. Um, but, you know, I was, I was a self-knowledge guy. I was like, you know, I'm pretty smart. Um, I know what to look out for. Yeah. What they said, you know, what they said in school was coming true, but, you know, I got this, you know, I know what's up. I know how to interact with people. And, uh, within a couple months like I was doing things that I never thought I was going to do um doing substances I never thought I was going to do and um and so I didn't work that entire summer and I just you know again my my job was getting wasted and I remember like it being like uh you know six o'clock in the morning my heart was beating so fast I remember I was like I should probably go have my mom take me to the hospital but you know then she'll find out I can't do that I can't do that luckily I didn't I didn't die um but uh you know that's what that's what my drinking was like it was like you know let's go right up to the edge you know but if but if I have to get help that's going to sacrifice my drinking so we're not going to do that we're not going to do that um and uh so that summer ends and I'm going to move to Atlanta um to go to school and I had one of those moments of clarity where I was like I was it was like probably a couple days before I left for Atlanta me and my friends are getting wasted and I'm watching my so I got wasted with so my group of friends were there were like a whole bunch of people that were my age and then there was a whole bunch of like people in their 40s right and so all of the people's you know now looking back at it all the people that were 40 that was like our future selves right and uh one of those people was my friend's mom and I watched them like smoke crack together and I was just like this is not good this is just not this is not a good situation um what is going on here um luckily you know I left and so it's and those there are more situations like that um that come up and so I come to Atlanta and it's on um I fall in with the wrong people almost immediately like we do and uh and the thing about colleges is like there are a lot of people with a lot of money and a lot of people that like to party and I took full advantage of that um I uh I believe that I could talk people out of the money pretty easily and so I again didn't go to class uh that was a theme in my life right so I get to school and if I had a choice I was not going to class I was getting loaded and uh I failed of course because that's what happens when you don't go to class and uh my mom was like you're fucking out of your mind I came home for Christmas and she was like you're fucking out of your mind if you think I'm gonna pay for you to go back to school um if you're not gonna do anything and I was pretty worried right so like I knew that if I stayed in New Jersey with those people that I was going to go to school with I was going to go to friends I was going to die like that was like plain uh very plain to me and so I was like I don't care if you're not gonna send me back to school I'm gonna go back to Atlanta a couple months later I come back to Atlanta take my inheritance and it's gone in like two months um and I have no money um and I'm afraid to get a job I'm super afraid to get a job so my roommates are out of town and you know they uh they like to grow things and I was like I'll just rip them off and uh I did and I got caught and they were like yeah you can't live here anymore uh they're like yeah we're gonna shoot you if you come back um and so I had no place to go at this point I end up at a so I was into raves and when when they were a big thing and um in fact they're you know there's somebody in here that was really rough shoulders with uh that eventually got sober um at raves and so I was at this I was at this show and I had no place to go and I called my uncle um and I had to I remember I had a fever and it was I was like it was like walking down the side of Memorial Drive in July it was like had to been like 95 degrees and I'd been up all night and I was probably smelling pretty bad and so called my uncle, he came to pick me up, and I don't think he knew what to do, so he called my mom, who called, I had a friend of the family, a super close friend of the family that was in recovery, and so he came to pick me up, and he was like, look dude, like, you know, something's got to change, so he's like, listen, like, and we were on I-20, and he was like, look dude, you can either get out of the car, or I can take you to rehab, and I didn't want to get sober, but I did not want to walk on I-20, in 95 degree weather with a fever, so I was like, alright, you know, you can take me to rehab, and so I ended up at Ridgeview, and my whole thing at this point was just like, alright, you know, I might want to get high, but I'll just be honest with these people, and I would like to tell you that I got sober, but I did not, I eventually left against my local advice, got wasted again, ended up... ended up on the south side of town, in this fucked up ass rehab, and I always end up at these super fucked up places, and it's a real messed up place, and so I remember, like, I remember saying to one of the counselors there, I just want one more, I just need one more, and, you know, I never want to feel like that again. I remember... you know, saying, like, you know, it talks about, you know, we can't bring with sufficient force a memory of a week or a month ago, like, that was me, or if I did have the memory, like, I don't give a fuck, I'm willing to, like, sacrifice it all, and, again, I go get wasted, and I come back, I get caught, and so I start the program again from the beginning, and I would like to say it. It took this time, but it did not, but I probably stayed sober about two years at this point, and so this would have been 2002, and I get wasted again, but at this point, like, I get wasted, like, while in the three-quarter house, but, like, the dude that was running it was selling meth, and so he was not really probably paying attention to what was going on with me. Um, and so, lo and behold, I run into some people that I was originally with, and they're like, you know, I'm still going to meetings while I'm at this place, right, while I'm getting loaded, and, um, so I get in touch with some people that, you know, some people my age that are in recovery, that are going to meetings on the north side, and I start hanging with them, and, uh, you know, one day starts, you know, one day becomes two, two becomes three, and so on, and, uh... And a bunch of my friends, they're, you know, going to do a book study, and they're going to work the steps, and so I want to hang out with my friends, so I work the steps. Um, and I say a lot of the times that I kind of just got sober kind of by mistake, like, I was just doing what those around me were doing. My life got good. Um, my life got really good. So I knew my life was getting good when it was the day after I had done my fifth step, or five, six, and seven, and I was, uh, at a movie theater. I had to walk past the movie theater. I had to walk past the movie theater to get back to my three-quarter house from my job. Um, and so I went and saw a ton of movies, and so I went, I remember I went and watched Spider-Man, Tobey Maguire's Spider-Man, um, and, you know, Uncle Ben is dying, and he says, he says, what do you say, uh, with great power comes great responsibility, and I start crying, right? So I, like, probably, like, the first, like, real emotional, like, thing that's happened to me in a long time. Um, and, you know, from there, my life got good. My life gets pretty good. Um, we caused a lot of trouble, um, so I, I, uh, got sober with some of the people in this room, and we caused a lot of trouble. Um, but we didn't drink, and, uh, one of the things that people did around me was they did service. Um, and I got involved in young people's AA. Um, and I went back to school. I would like to say I did well in school, but I didn't go to class. Um, I didn't go to class, but I didn't drink. I didn't drink. I wasn't all about getting high and drinking, but, uh, you think you get sober, and it's like, you know, um, you go back to school, and you're going to do well. That was not my experience. Um, I was, uh, you know, I was, you know, if school didn't come naturally to me, if, you know, what I was working on, like, wasn't easy, I just didn't want to do it, um, or I was afraid to do it. And, you know, I ran the gamut of majors. Um, it took me eight years to get a four-year degree. Um, most of the time, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, Most of the time, I was a full-time student. Um, the fact that Kennesaw did not put me on academic probation, I don't know how that didn't happen, but they never put me on academic probation. Um, probably because I withdrew from classes before, uh, before they actually gave me enough. Um, and, uh, and so, yeah, so that was kind of like earlier, you know, my first eight years of recovery, you know, I kind of fucked off and had a lot, you know, had good times and, and, uh. Most of my friends were in school. Um, when I had around four years, I think almost all of my closest friends that I got sober with drank. Um, and, uh, it was fucking devastating. It was fucking devastating. Um, and some of them died, some of them completely destroyed their lives, and some of them got sober again. Um, and so, you know, and that, that just, that just, that just, that just, that just just, you know, you stick around long enough, that's going to happen. Um, and, uh, I was not prepared for that. I also believed that, um, even though that they drank, that, um, I'd still hang out with them a lot. Yeah, that was not a good move. That was not a good move. Um, that was not a good move. However, I did stay in touch with them. Um, you know, friendship is like super important to me, and so, like, I was like, you know, I'm not going to press them. I'm just going to call them every now and again. You know, every couple months, give them a call. What's up? How you doing? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. There was no, they didn't hide from me. Um, and so, you know, that was one of the things that, like, you know, even though they were drinking, I got, like, super appreciated. It was like, hey, you know, no matter what happens, we're homies. Um, so, I eventually, I eventually graduated. Um, you know, I think in 2008, when my mom retired, she was like, look, dude, like, I'm going to go to college. She was like, look, dude, like. I've, I've, I've supported you long enough. Your ass needs to get out of school. Um, and so, in 2010, I finally graduated, and, um, this was shortly after, um, the, the financial turndown in 2008, and, uh, nobody was hiring. So, I was like, well, I'm just going to do what I've always done and take a loan and go back to school. Um, and so, I decided to go to grad school. And. Um, there was a whole, you know, a lot of the times in my recovery, I have acted out of fear. Um, and to this day, I still act out of a lot of fear sometimes. And the whole grad school thing was, um, so my, so my undergrad was in mathematics. I wanted to go to grad school for mathematics, but I was scared shitless. I was like, I do not know if I can cut it as a math grad student. Um. And, uh, and so, I didn't, I didn't go to grad school for math. Um, I ended up, um, staying local and going to grad school for statistics. I know it's, I know. Math, statistics, what's the difference, right? So. So, at any rate, um, if you want to know the difference, you can come talk to me after the meeting. Um, so, I ended up getting a job, and, you know, I had all, you know, I had a good job. Um, I graduated grad school. At this point, you know, my mom, I think when I was in grad school, um, my mom had breast cancer. Um, and when I talked to her about it, she was like, yeah, dude, whatever, man, I got it. We'll, we'll be good. I was like, all right, man. My mom is, like, super spiritual now, and is a super happy person. So happy, it makes me, like, so upset sometimes. I'm like, why are you so happy all of the time? God. But she's great. Um, and so, I go see her, and we deal with that, but, you know, she has cancer, but I can show up for her, right? So, I, I think I drove her to the hospital. Drove her to the hospital. Did I drive her to the hospital? I think I drove her to the hospital. Sorry. My memory's not that good. Um, and, uh, but I can show up, right? So, I showed up, took her to the hospital, um, and, you know, she got through it. Um, and, uh, at, at the end of the day, I'm like, I'm not going to be able to do this. I'm not going to be able to do this. At this point in my life, like, I had the job, I had, I didn't have the car, but, um, I had a car, um, but I had the job, I was making really good money, and, um, you know, I thought it was it. I thought I had a super important job, and I became very, what's the word, attached to this job, and I thought it, thought it was everything. I was like, this, this job is me. Um, and I got super... You know, as far as my job was concerned, I had no boundaries. Um, it was like, you know, you need to work three weeks in a row, I would work three weeks in a row, um, with no day off. Um, and, uh, uh, you know, I, I thought it was it. You know, I had the job that I always wanted, but I wasn't fucking happy. Um, and, uh, around this time, so, when I had four years sober, I got a dog. This is, this is relevant. Um, I love this fucking dog. So, this is Sherlock. I fucking love that goddamn dog. So, around, like, the time I had 13 years, I started having a lot of issues with sleep. Um, started having a lot of issues with anxiety. Sherlock passed away, and that, it was devastating. Um, and, um, I started, like, laying out of work because I was, like, so anxious. I'd be in front of clients, and I would just start crying. It was fucked up, y'all. Um, and I just didn't know... I didn't know what was wrong with me. And so, one day, you know, I call out of work, and, because I was gonna, so, I remember, I was going into work, and I was like, I could just ride the elevator up to the top, and just jump off the building, and nobody, you know, that would be it. It'd be over. And, uh, luckily, I saw my boss, and he was like, dude, you look like shit. Um, and, uh, so, I went to the doctor. I called my sponsor, and so... For those that are new, like, good sponsorship is the fucking key. And not only that, having a sponsor that is humble. So, I call my sponsor, and I'm like, look, dude, I'm, like, super fucked up. I was thinking about jumping off this building. And he says to me, he's like, look, dude, like, I can't help you with that. That is an issue that I am not qualified to help you with. You need to seek some outside help. And, uh, I was like, well, you got anybody I can call? He was like, yeah. So, you know, I called this person, and my sponsor, just being humble enough to say, like, yeah, I can't help you here. However, there is help. Um, and there is, um, you know, A is part of your life, but it is not necessarily the solution for this. Um, and so, at 13 Years Server, I found myself back at Ridgeview, um, which was a humbling experience. Very humbling experience. Um. I remember I got there, and my case manager from when I was there as an adolescent came and said hi, and I was like, hi. I was like, hi. I was like, I didn't get hi, but, you know, I'm back. Um, and, uh, this was kind of like where I was like, where I learned kind of like, okay, I need to have boundaries with my job. So I left. So I left Ridgeview again. Um, and things were pretty good, you know. So my, uh, around 2018. I changed my home group, and, uh, because I wasn't going to a lot of meetings, um, and I just needed a new, a new set of people, um, and I changed my home groups to what it is now. My home group is Skyland. It meets, uh, Tuesdays and Fridays at Oglethorpe Presbyterian Church. Come, come by sometime. Um, and I started to really have, like, a, a real crisis of higher power, right? So, um, I had never really had. Issues with, with the, with the whole higher power concept up until, like, I had, how many years? It would have been 16 years sober. And, um, you know, I really started as, like, fuck this higher power shit. Like, I started, you know, I really started, like, processing a lot of stuff from my past, and I was like, dude, shit times bad shit happened to me. Um, what's this God shit about? Like, um, and so, like, I was, you know, I was in that. Um, I was in that mode, um, for many, many years, many, many years. Um, and then, much like y'all, I guess the pandemic came, and, you know, I got trapped inside my house, and that was, uh, that was awful. Um, I didn't come close to drinking, um, but I definitely came close to pulling all my hair out, even though I don't have much. Um, I definitely came close to pulling my hair out. Um, I didn't really see anybody, I think, for, like, the first year, like, any friends. Um, I saw you. I think, when was it? In Christmas of that year. But that was it. I didn't see anybody. I didn't see anybody. Um, and so that was, that was the pandemic. Me playing video games when I was supposed to be working. Uh, yeah. And that's, that's what I did. And I didn't go to meetings, and, yeah, there were online meetings. I was like, fuck that, I'm not gonna go. Um, because, you know. So, not that Alcoholics Anonymous is a social experience, but, um, for me, coming to meetings, you know, I had a lot of friends in Alcoholics Anonymous, and, uh, uh, it's important to me. So, during this whole time, so I'd been in four different groups, I'd been GSR four different times, um, even though I wasn't going to meetings, uh, I made my district meeting. I was GSR. I made my district meeting almost, I'd probably say 90% of the time, even though I wasn't going to meetings. I went to my district meeting, and that was super important to me. Like, so, honoring my commitments in Alcoholics Anonymous is super important to me. Probably because I have this chip where I'm like, oh, if I don't do it, nobody else is gonna do it. Um, somebody will step up if I don't do it. Um, but it was super important to me to do it. Um, and then, uh, a couple years ago, I was in the district meeting, and I was in the district meeting, and I was in the district meeting, and I was in the district meeting. A couple years ago, I got elected DCM. And, you know, my sponsor had been DCM, and he hadn't told me that, how much work it was. Um, so, if you guys ever run into your DCM, thank them. Because it is the most thankless job in Alcoholics Anonymous. Um, we don't vote. We just, we are just, you know, the conduit of information. Or, they are just the conduits of information. Um, and there's a lot of work involved. And I want to remind you, DCM, who is Thomas, um, Thomas R., um, thank them. Because it's a lot of work. And they probably are like the linchpins to Alcoholics Anonymous. Um, and so, we're almost up to the present here, and I'm right on time. So, yeah, so, one thing I've learned in my recovery is, like, I make a shit ton of mistakes. And life is going to happen, and I'm going to do dumb shit, and I'm not going to listen to people. So, there was a situation that happened in my life last month. Not last month. Last year. Last year. Um, where people were like, I was talking to people about it, like, yeah, it's not a good idea. Yeah, it's not a good idea. My therapist was like, yeah, it's not a good idea. I was like, I don't give a fuck what you all say. I'm going to fucking do it. And, um, shit blew up in my face again. And, um, you know, that shit happens. And I really had to, you know, just kind of pick myself up and say, okay, like, let's just fucking throw myself back into Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't, so, during this period of time, I don't think I went to a meeting for a couple months. Um, when I get upset, and I tend to, um, get on my couch, play video games, watch the news, and watch a ton of reality TV. And it is fucking terrible. Um, like, stuff like, uh, like 90 Day Fiance, and shit that I would not, normally fucking watch. Um, because I hate that stuff. I absolutely hate that stuff. Um, or like, uh, I think one time, when I was super upset, I started watching, um, Grey's Anatomy. And that show is terrible. It's fucking bad. It's real bad. Um, but yeah, that's what I do when I get upset. Um, and I just, just end up in the house. Um, but eventually I got my shit together. And I was like, alright, go back to meetings. And, um, you know, they welcomed, you know, they welcomed me back with open arms in my own group. Um, and, uh, you know, as I said, like, life happens in Alcoholics Anonymous. You get sober, and that's what happens. You get sober. But it doesn't mean everything else stops. If you go to, if you go to school, if you're enrolled in school, and you don't go to class, you fail. Um, so, so you, you know, you can still make dumb decisions. Um, getting sober does not, you know, make you immune from that. Um, however, getting sober and staying sober does enable you to fix those situations, right? You know, it gives you the chance to, um, to right the wrong, so to say. You know, I say a lot, you know, one of the things I think about a lot is, okay, you know, what does Alcoholics Anonymous do for me in regards to drinking? Right? And so, I say, you know, a lot of times I say to myself, the one thing that Alcoholics Anonymous gives me is, gives me that, you know, few seconds between thought and action like, oh, I think I might want to drink, you know, or I might see you know, some, some beer on, on a TV commercial or something like, oh, that looks good. You know, from the point I say it's, that looks good to like, that's probably not a good idea. That space in between, God, um, or whatever you want to call it, like, that is the gift Alcoholics Anonymous gives me. It gives me that, you know, that pause. Um, much to the point where, like, if I'm going to, you know, my boss tells me to do something, even though he pays me to do it, I get mad. I don't, I don't react. Right? I say, this is probably a bad idea if I react to this. That's what Alcoholics Anonymous does for me. It gives me those few seconds, those few minutes to, you know, to say to myself, let me call my sponsor. Or, you know, let me call a friend. You know, phone it in. Phone a friend. Um, and, uh, that's really, you know, that's, that's really what I feel Alcoholics Anonymous has given me, is those few moments of sanity between the thought and the action. Um, and so, yeah, I think, I think that's, that's, that's all I got. So, thank you.