They Told Me to Stop Talking About Higher Power in the Chapel So I Doubled Down 🤣 – Russell S.

My name is Russell S.. I'm an outlaw. There you go. And I am a member. South Dixie Virtual Group. Of both those groups. It doesn't matter. Whatever. So, and it's good to be here. By the way, is Arthur still here? No, still not. Well, I was so glad I showed up. I haven't seen him in years. That's the TV. Right on time. Wow. Right, absolutely. That was great. That was great TV. It was wonderful. Okay, let me just find this thing. I'm looking for something. I'm looking for something. So, it's good. So, you know, I, oh, by the way, I'm sorry Arthur has left. But he came here just to announce the, yeah, the termites. I got a message from Ray O'Keefe. You know, God bless him. You know, he said. He said, finally, finally he's doing service. You know, sorry Arthur left. How far the mighty have fallen, you know. But he's a good guy. By the way, I just want you to know, because as many people do know, I may not know much about AA, but I am a termite expert. And we hope everything works out with the termites. But I want you guys to not be too concerned about the termites. I'm not going to be too concerned about the termites posting around here. These are, well, these are all, these are alky termites. They think they're fucking butterflies. Just wanted you to know that. Yeah, that's the way they are. So, it's been an interesting month. You know, I was gone for two weeks. And on a cruise that I didn't want to go to. But I went on a cruise. And so I missed two weeks here. So, I said. To Jimmy, I said, well, just have somebody fill in and do six or seven, eight or nine. Whatever the hell they were supposed to do. And he said, no, no, no. We want you to do the whole thing. So, I thought I was going to get out of here quicker, you know. And then I missed one of the week or something like that. So, he tells me tonight, I'm on step eight. You have four more weeks. I thought I was on step 14 already. You know, this is getting dragged out. Okay, well, you're a loss. In any event, so I've, I'll do the, we'll figure out something. So, in any event, I'm going to read two paragraphs. I might have done this before. I can't remember because of the Alzheimer's. But I'm going to read two paragraphs to you. I could read more than two paragraphs, less than two. It doesn't matter. I'm just going to make a point. First paragraph is on page 60. Being convinced. Being convinced. It's important. Being convinced. You know what, you know, if you want to be rocked in fourth dimension, two things you need to know. You need to know the great fact. And the great fact is that God is the central fact of your life. Whatever that means. Not even God as you understand him. Just God. And the second thing is, you must be convinced that he lives in your heart and mind in a way which is indeed miraculous. Doing for you what you can't do for yourself. Whatever that means. The book of James, which was one of the books they found absolutely essential in AA, if you want to follow the path, says if you want wisdom, not intelligent, wisdom, all you have to do is ask God. Not even God as you understand him. Just God. Just make sure you're asking God. Make sure you're asking the right God. Because there is only one who has all power, and that one is God. So make sure whatever God you're asking is the right one. You don't want to be going to the wrong grocery store. You make sure. He says ask God. If you want wisdom, ask God. But when you ask him, you must be convinced. You can't have any doubt. Whatever that means. Because the man who has any doubt about God. Any doubt about God. Can expect to receive nothing. Nothing. This is, by the way, one of the books they found absolutely essential. Nothing. No doubt. That man is like a double-minded man. Unstable in all his ways. Sometimes you don't realize. Sometimes in AA, in this thing we're doing here. Well, you've got to forgive me. You see, the thing is. I'm in my. I'm in my 45th year of sobriety. And I look at things differently. Not because I'm smarter. Actually, because I'm dumber. You can't imagine how fucking bright I was at one time. I knew everything. My mind was so full of facts and figures and everything I think I knew. I knew everything. That's all I knew. Just everything. So, when you know everything, you don't have to learn anything. And you've got all these thoughts. You know, you think not drinking is a big deal. How about not thinking? You don't know what it's like when it's 3 o'clock in the morning and you're thinking and you can't stop thinking. And you're thinking about the same thing over and over again and stuff like that. And then you think about what a piece of shit you are. And you're five years sober. You think about what a loser. You are, you know, when I, so I, I see the eighth step differently. I see the seventh step. I see things differently, not because I'm bright because I got stupid, but there's a thing about getting rid of old ideas, the old ideas. I believe, I believe this is just my opinion. You don't have to buy into this crap. I believe the old ideas is everything you think, you know, now, you understand everything you think, you know, now it's like you're listening to somebody and you think that guy is fricking crazy. And then, uh, one day you got 16 years and you either drink again or you want to kill yourself and all of a sudden the guy doesn't sound so crazy anymore and then you start talking like that guy, you know, and you realize the guy you thought was crazy is not crazy and you get rid of an old idea and you get a new idea. It's strange how this thing works. No, because if we're insane and we can't recognize it, we can't tell this thing the truth. The false or alcohol to life and thinking it seems only normal. We're comfortable in our insanity the way we think. So here's, here's a, here's a paragraph being convinced. There it is. We were at step three. You guys have done step three and I wish step three was the solution. Wouldn't that be great? Everybody does step three. Did you know that everybody does step three at 90% of the people drinking it. How's that possible? How is it possible? Turn your will and your life over the care of God as you understand them and be convinced and drinking it. How's that possible? How's that? I mean, seriously, the God thing is a big thing. How's it possible to turn your will and your life over the care of God? What are they saying in the big book? They said, tell me if I'm wrong about this. The only step you have to do 100% is the first step. I'm not so sure. I'm not so sure. I'm not so sure. I'm not so sure. Maybe there's something else you got to do 100%. Maybe the thing that you got to do 100% is the thing that will ensure that you've done all the steps 100%. And maybe it has nothing to do with drinking. I don't know. And maybe there's a lot of people think that drinking is the 100% thing and they focus on that. They focus on God as you understand him. Whereas Bill Wilson said, because he couldn't accept God. As Bill Wilson said, I could use that as a beginning. But then he, 20 years sober, he was still beginning. And AA became this guy. Now, I happen to think for all those people that want to get mad at me, I had a whole bunch of them this weekend. Hated my guts because they elevated Bill Wilson to sainthood. And they've never heard anybody say. I'm not saying anything bad about Bill. I'm just saying. I'm not saying anything bad about Bill. Bill said, I'm actually helping Bill Wilson out because he wanted everybody to know when he was 21 years sober. And he wrote Emotional Sobriety the next front year. He wanted everybody to know that he had screwed up. I mean, that's, I don't know whether I could do that, you know. You will. Yeah, I will. I'll do right at this meeting. I'll do it. You know, I didn't know he had screwed up because, you know, with the LSD and all the other stuff. And he realized, you read that. You really need to read what he wrote at 21 years when he said I got the whole thing wrong. You know, I became dependent upon everything else except God, even AA, you know. You know, the, what's that thing that we all worship, the, that committee, the committee, the conference, you know, those 20, 30 people that had less than 15 years, the conference, conference, I don't know. Bill Wilson's not my God. The trustees are not my God. They don't have all power. The conference is my God. I hope one day you figure out who God really is because it's important because unless you're convinced, you know what I mean? Unless you're convinced, that man should receive nothing because half measures of value nothing. You know, you see a standard of turning point. Sometimes the turning point takes 15, 20 years. So here we go. So I've read the big book 20 million times and memorized a lot of it. Not because I was out to memorize. I just read it so many times, heard it so many times. I've read it 12 and 12 a gazillion times, done these step series all sorts of times, read the Bible and read all that stuff. And Dr. Bob and the Good Old Times is an incredible book that a lot of people don't read. And so here's two paragraphs. I'm just going to read them and then say something. And you can accept it or not accept it. This is just the way I'm thinking. So no sense being mad at me. Well, be mad at me. It's okay. Because then be mad at me. Really, I'm serious. Because then you'll be thinking about me for three. Four weeks. I won't be thinking about you. You'll be thinking about me. And it gives me a great deal of pleasure to know that you're hating me. Then you can't get. Yeah. But but here's the deal. Here's what I'm saying. Whatever you hear from me. I've been going. I go to even now. I go to like three meetings every day and sponsor doing all the stuff. Just trust me on this. Everything you say. I've been going to what? Like 50,000 meetings. Everything you hear from. I am a product. Of Alcoholics Anonymous. I mean, what you're looking at for good or bad is some guy who's been going to gazillion meetings, sponsoring people, doing all this stuff here in AA, who was once five years sober and once 10 years sober, one 15 years sober, one 20 years on with 30 and fucked up in every way you could possibly fuck up except drinking. You know, so I'm a product of outbox and I'm still getting mad at me, getting mad at this big book. And God and my sponsors and Ray O.T., you know, so I'm just saying the law of averages says says I think if I'm a product of Alcoholics Anonymous, then even law of averages say I might be right once in a while. So I'm just going to give you my opinion. So this says being convinced. We were at step three. Which is that. That we decided whatever that means, you know, if you decide, then you can decide to turn your will and to turn our will and our life over to God as we understood him. What if we don't understand them? What if you don't really understand them? What happens then? Well, I guess somewhere along the way, the fucking wheels fall off. I mean, that's how you figure that one out. You know what I mean? You're doing all these things for three, four, five, six, ten years, you know, you're doing all these lists and all this crap, you turn your life over to God, you're asking all this stuff, and then all of a sudden you drink again and you drug again or you do something crazy again and you say, well, what's the problem? Why did that happen? It says, well, maybe you didn't understand them. Maybe you only thought you understood them. Maybe maybe instead of following God, you were following. Get this ready for this. Here's a possibility. Maybe instead of knowing God, because there is only one that has all power, that one is God. You want to that's the goal. You want to find him. Maybe you thought you were following God, but you weren't following God. Maybe you were just following. God is your understanding. Maybe the God you understand isn't God at all. Maybe it's the God you have at this. Maybe it's the God you feel comfortable with. Maybe it's like an easy, nice. Never hurt. Me forgive me all the time. He doesn't mind. I do. This would never be sarcastic. Never punch me in the gut. So like a really nice sponsor that doesn't do shit for you. Maybe that's the guy you want doesn't hurt you. A God that doesn't hurt your feelings. God that doesn't crush you. You'll give me trials and shit like that. So being convinced we're at step three, which is that we decided to turn our lives over to God as we understood him. And then it says this, here's a great thing. This is the next thing it says right after that. Just what do we mean by that? Question mark. So what do you think they mean by that? What do you think I mean by that? And just what do we do? That's just one paragraph. That's not even the whole book. That's not even all the books. That's just one paragraph. So here's another paragraph. Here's a good one. I can pick two separate paragraphs. They're all over the book. Page 164 must be important. That's how they end it. Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little. Now, that's got to make you feel good. The guys that wrote the book, the three and a half years, the guys you're following or else you're going to die. These guys are the guys that know everything. They've read everything and everything. This is what they say about themselves. We only know a little. Well, that's got to make you feel really good. You know what I mean? It's reassuring. We have no idea what the fuck we're talking about. Your life depends on us. You're screwed. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. God will constantly. So who does the disclosure? You don't you don't learn shit. You think you think you're going to work your way to get the disclosure? You're going to get you're either going to get it disclosed or not disclosed. And God's going to be doing the disclosing. And maybe sometimes God is disclosing stuff. Maybe he's disclosing to you, but you just ain't listening, you know, talk to the hand because, you know, like the face ain't listening, that kind of thing, maybe, you know, maybe he's disclosing to you even that maybe he's disclosing to you even now, you know, he's so crazy, he might even be disclosing crap to me, maybe he's disclosing something, but you're not listening or you're not understanding. Ask him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come if your own house is in order, whatever that means. But obviously, you cannot transmit something you haven't got. You can't talk about something you haven't got. So what do you need to get and how do you get it? I don't know. See to it that your relationship with him is right. What does that mean? See to it your relationship with him is right. Is your relationship with him right? Well, how do you know your relationship with him is right? How do you know who he is? Do you even know who he is? Do you even care who he is? I said to my sponsor, my sponsor said to me once, he says, he says, how are you doing? He said, I said, I feel great. Anybody ever tell somebody, whether you have one year, five years, ten years, you ever tell somebody, I feel great? Feel great. You know, you can feel great at one year. You can feel great at one month. You feel great at ten years. You know, my sponsor said to me, he was an evil man. I said, I feel great. He said. You must be getting your own way. I said, I am. You know when you don't feel great? When you're not getting your own way. You know when that happens? About 90% of your life. No matter how much time you get. See to it your relationship with him is right. And great events will come to pass. You can tell us others. This is the great fact. Now, I'll tell you what. You can do all the steps. You can do everything. I'm not against step. I'm a big step guy. I've done all the steps and then I'm all still doing them and blah, blah, blah. But the bottom line is what I just read you was a great fact. I was one part. I read I read you two paragraphs out of the big book. Now, let me tell you a little secret. Many, many people read the big book and the twelve and twelve. But the secret is not really whether you read the big book. The secret ultimately is whether you understand the paragraphs. Everybody reads the big book and they have their own favorite things, acceptance of the answer to all my problems, you know, just throw things out that you could say that sounds good and they even help you out. But the secret is not in the book. The secret is in the paragraphs. So I just read you two paragraphs that you've read before a million times. But I read them slowly, slowly. And I read them as I read them. I said, what does that mean? But then some you said, I don't know what I made a few comments and you said, and maybe I said something that you never thought of before. Imagine if you actually understood the big book and every paragraph in the big book instead of just the book. You know, who knows what you'd be thinking or how you'd be taking things, you know what I mean? It'd be an interesting deal. So in any event, I somewhere. So I went to this retreat this weekend. We did a retreat and Sheldon was very helpful there. And there's a lot. People had about 50 men and Sheldon said to me, Sheldon, like saying things that he likes making. He likes making fun of me and which I enjoy, actually. And he's and so I did like six or seven talks or something to this, you know, that this retreat up in Tampa, these guys. And he said, you know, Russell, well, well, after I did my first talk, you know, to. I do these retreats sometimes, you know, and this is not the first time this happened to me. Sheldon took me aside because there was murmuring in the audience. It was at a Franciscan retreat house, you know, Franciscan moments and all that sort of stuff or something. I don't know. Was it were they Franciscans? Where were they? Yes. Francis crosses all over the wall, stuff like that. That's Albert. So Sheldon took me aside after the first session and said, he said. They're really upset with you. And I'm thinking. Great. Great. Says, yeah, you know, I mean. I mean, the way you're talking to him, you're not in the fucking 12 step room, you know. They don't need to hear all that. And he said to me and then he said to me, well, and then another guy came up to me. Another guy organized thing and as he says, you know. I mean, the way they're talking, I mean, you're talking a lot about God in a room where there's crosses all over the wall. That wasn't me. That was you. That was that was your backup guy. And he said, they're really they're really upset. And he looked at me because he wanted to know what I said. I said, I'm just starting. I'm going to double down, you know, double down on that deal. And and so I did. It's it's an interesting thing, you know. Well, what happens is somewhere along the line, there's a promise that says you lose fear of people and of economic insecurity. And I want to say, but I don't mean this. I'm going to say it to you. I want to say I feel sorry for you if you still worry about what people think about you and worry about economic insecurity all the time and all that sort of stuff. But the truth is, I also want to tell you that I live. I've lived that way for 25 years sober. I want you to know that if you have that disease because the drinking is just a symptom of the disease, it's not even part of the disease. The real disease centers in our mind, not our body. And what is this real disease looks like? The real disease looks like self hatred. That's what the A-step is all about. By the way, I want to throw that in. So this could be technically an A-step. No, but that is what the A-step is all about. What the A-step and the 9-step is all about, it's about you, although you don't understand this, thinking that you're a piece of shit and you ought to die because you don't deserve to live. People do the A-step and the 9-step and they do all these things. I mean, if I did a drunk log, I'd tell you how I left my first wife because I wanted to get laid after five years and she was a good woman. I tell you how I abandoned my children. I would tell you all the bad shit I did. And I would also tell you that when I did the bad shit, I didn't even give a crap about anybody. I didn't even think about them. You know what I mean? And I would somehow do what alcoholics do, be able to excuse their actions. Like I was too young. I shouldn't have gotten married. I give myself an excuse. So I would do something in my mind to make me feel OK about being an asshole. You understand what I'm saying? Because when you look back on your list and you see how you treated people, all of a sudden you come to me and you say, I was an asshole. You know what I mean? But it's not like you didn't know you were an asshole. It's just that you somehow, because of this insanity, are able to do horrible things to people and not even see it because you're so self-centered. But every once in a while. Boy, I. You start you start thinking about what you did, even subconsciously, and then you say something like this, I need a fucking drink and you drink not because you're happy, you drink because you're a piece of shit and you feel uncomfortable with yourself and you feel uncomfortable with people and what they think about you. So you whack down the drink and it's like and all of a sudden you don't worry about what the group thinks about. You think you own the group. You think you own the group because it wipes. So now you come day and you're sober with the God of your understanding. You're going to means you're not drinking, so you're well. But the problem is you're still doing crappy things to people and you're still living a crappy life. And it's not because you're a bad person, because you're a sick person. You don't know what what it is to live a God fearing life. You don't really know what it is to love God. I'm talking about myself. This is nothing to do with you unless you think it has something to do with you. I'm just talking about myself. So there's no sense getting mad, you know. So what you think you're living a godly life, but they're not. And then what you find is as you're going along to say anything at one year, two years, five years, 10 years, whatever it is, you find, believe it or not. Has anybody ever found this, that even after you're sober, life is fucking rough? Have you noticed that life is rough? It's rough out there. It's rough at 20 years. It's rough at 15 years. Yeah. I've never. I've been in a situation where they get 10, 15 years. They're doing stuff and everything. And somehow something comes along in their life and they can't stop thinking that all their thoughts are bad stuff about themselves and other people. And they can't get to sleep when they wake up at three o'clock in the morning. It's about money, property, prestige. They're worried about what if this happened? What's that? What does that happen? What are people going to think about me? If this, what if they know that you ever find yourself incessantly thinking about yourself? Wow, man, I'll tell you what. You really start thinking about yourself when you hurt somebody's feelings. You do something stupid. Everything. And you do it and you screw them over and you say, well, screw them. Screw them. You know, and you tell yourself, what do you do? What do we do? What do I call you? Oh, you tell yourself, say, I don't give a shit what they think about me. You're five years old. You say, I don't give a fuck. Fuck them. I didn't sign up for this shit. I don't give a shit. They're wrong. I'm never apologizing. And then all of a sudden you find yourself sitting down. You ever find yourself sitting down and doing like a four step list or an inventory list or an ASA, whatever it is. And then all of a sudden you find yourself making stupid amends because you're going to blow your brains out and commit suicide because you're such a piece of shit. And then you do that. You ever do that? You make amends and then you feel better. And that's your life in AA. That's the that's an AA sober life for the first 25 years. You become an expert in. Hurting people and making amends and feeling better because you've got these tools. Isn't that what they call tools? Tools are used to fix something that's broken. And you is broken. You are broken. That makes sense. You used to be broken and drunk and drunk. Scotch is a tool, by the way. Use me. He's broken and drunk. Now you're broken and sober. And just because you put the plug in the jug, that doesn't unbreak you. Now you're broken. And now what's even worse is now you're broken and you can't use the booze. So it's either suicide, drinking or doing these stupid steps that you don't want to do. You know what I mean? And but that all goes away at three months, six months, one year, 10 years, 20 years, 20 years. So. So you don't become sinless, but you sin less. Thank you. So as you go along and somehow the sinning less has to do with not only working the tools, but it has something. Here's the thing. It has something to do. Ready with it for this with understanding the paragraphs. Understand the paragraphs. Like people will say, I hear people in a meeting say stuff that I know is not true, but sounds great. Great sounds great. So everybody. Oh, man, that sounds so profound. I can't love myself. I can't love and other. What is it? Others until I love myself. What fucking horseshit? What horseshit? It's always about you, isn't it? It's always about you. You got to get well. But no, but what it really is. You is you hate your fucking self, but you love you learn to love and help other people. And one day you wake up and you actually feel good about yourself. But that's not what they say. That's what the big book says. You love and you work with other people. We don't give a shit how you feel about yourself. Bill Wilson said, well, though, Wilson said when I was 18 months sober, he said, look, I was doing this thing. I was going out to the hospital every day because I was driven with waves of self pity. I go down. I talk to a man there. I was amazingly lifted up on my feet. It's a it's a it's a way of living that works. You know the same thing about the guy I talked to. Who the fuck cares? You know what I mean? It's not about him. It's about helping other people. But that's that's an old way of thinking. The old way of thinking is if I go to a psychiatrist, if I pop a pill, if I just think about myself more, I'll get better. And then I'll then I'll love everybody and everything will be wonderful. And what's really going on is. Sure, you feel good because you're getting your own way, but most of the time you don't get in your own way and that's when you feel crappy. So the truth is, you never really escape from alcoholism, you're in bondage, but you don't even here's what you don't understand. You're 15 years sober and you may have a few months or a few weeks of doing okay, but you're 15 months over. And of course, every day is patting you on the back, but you pick up the dad's stuff and you don't understand some of this is what happened to me. I got to 10 years. I'm sponsoring everything inside. I'm doing everything you're supposed to do in AA and I feel like crap. And there's, there's a point in time where you go against a brick wall, it's the brick wall time when you're doing everything and somehow it stops working and you can't understand because you can't understand. And you know why you can't understand it because you never understood the two paragraphs I read because you say, God, as you understand them, you say this rain prayer, you say the Lord's prayer, they say, do you believe in God? You say you do, but he, but do you have you? Really? Really a bad than yourself to God? Are you really convinced or is it just that you, you formed a sort of God as you understand, but you don't have to deal with them that much or focus on them that much and you focus on them so little that you never talk about them. And the reason you never talk about them is because we're not supposed to do that in AA because it upsets people and God knows you don't want to upset people. You don't want them not to like you, you know what I mean? And so that basically tells you is you're filled with the corrosive thread of fear. So, yeah, we understand that. But what the big book says, we never apologize for God. We stand firm with God all men of faith faith convincing faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God is that we let him demonstrate. The testimony to other people, what he's done for us. And once we get that, grow fear, and most people, they never outgrow fear because they never talk about God. They never talk about God because they really don't believe in God. Because their God is their stomachs. Their God is a car. Their God is people in AA liking them. Their God is AA, which is what Bill Wilson's God was. That's what he said. I became enamored with the fact that look at AA and how everybody's looking at me in AA. It's all about AA. And so he read the book, but he never understood it was all about understanding those two paragraphs. Because nobody was talking about God in AA. And so when I spoke to those, so what, I'm going to end it this way because I know we've got like no minutes left. So Sheldon says to me today, I did double down on all those guys. That was a lot. So in AA, so Sheldon says to me today, he said, you know what your problem was? I don't even think you said it was a problem. You're actually pleased the way the whole thing turned out. You see, see, here's the deal. You're either going, I'm either going to give in to that shit. And I might as well drink or kill myself. But I'm either going to say, oh, really? They didn't like that? He says, OK, I won't talk about that that much. I won't mention God that much. I'm either going to give in to that shit. And if I give in to that stuff and not talk about God, what I'm saying is I'm really a phony piece of shit. And I can't be, I'm not steadfast. I'm unstable in all my ways because if I give in to that, I give in to everything. I give my life away. You know what I mean? Or I stand firm. And the great thing is, is I can stand firm in the face of 40 men with 40 years sobriety. I can stand firm because they're not my God. Because I know who God is. And because I know one thing and only one thing. The same thing they were talking about in those two paragraphs. I can talk whatever the way I want to talk about it. A, B. A, C. A, D. A, D. And I can do that. I want you to be able to do that. I want you to be able to live a life of new freedom. Not worrying about stuff like that. You know, that's the deal. So Sheldon says to me, and when you start thinking that way, your whole life changed. That God is sovereign and he's real. And he lives in your life in such a way and he guides you. And when you start thinking that way with that kind of faith, let me tell you what happens. the answers are clear you don't know anything and you're not intelligent but God gives you the wisdom to understand things for instance, tonight he walked up to me and I'm not sure exactly how he said it he said, you know, I said what the real issue was with that deal is you weren't there for the first meeting of all these guys these men you were sleeping upstairs so I was tired you missed the first meeting but they did a countdown had you been to the first meeting you would have seen that you had 50 guys in that place and they all had 30 and 40 years you went down and you started talking to them like you were talking to the 12 step house I did not say that oh whatever the fuck you said who cares it's a good story, don't blow it that's what I heard you know you know what I mean so, well, whatever if you had known who you were talking to you know I said I said, Sheldon did you ever think that since God is sovereign because I think God is sovereign protecting me and telling me did you ever think that God deliberately wanted me to sleep through that so I wouldn't know who I was talking to he said, you treated them like they had one year I said, maybe God wanted me to treat them like they had one year maybe these guys were too enamored with having 40 years or 30 years maybe they needed to be treated like they had one year you know, you ever think about that? um you probably had something to say but you didn't say it so, at any rate, that's all I have to say you'll be