The Vital Sixth Sense – Peter M.

Tonight, please help me welcome Peter M. from Union, New Jersey. Peter's home group is A Vision for You. And I just met Peter tonight for the very first time, and I had a brief second to talk with him, and I asked him what brought him to our nice wintry April that we're having, and he responded by saying, a friend and God. So help me Welcome Peter. My name is Peter. I'm a recovered alcoholic. I was hoping God had a better weather forecast than what I flew into. Grateful to be alive and sober and part of a sacred place called Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm very grateful to this group for this kind invitation to me to be here and share my experience, strength, and hope. And to Dustin for being involved in that decision-making process to get me here. Before I get into telling you what it was like, what happened, and what I'm trying to be like today, I just need to take just a moment to thank this group truly from the bottom of my heart. God separated me from alcohol June 23, 1988. Thank you. And I was brought out here for my seventh and, God willing, last treatment center. And a friend took me. I was counting days, and a friend taken me to this group. And it was in another location. And I remember walking in, and probably the size may be bigger. And the literature table was bigger than the last apartment I lived in when I walked in here. And I walked in here and there were people at the door dressed in suits and welcoming me as I walked in and I had just come in off the streets and I wasn't used to this type of environment and they were giving it away for fun and for free and people got to the podium, most often with a big book Men and Women and shared their experience, strength and hope and I was introduced to my first hero Chuck Rice at this group. I had a sponsor Kip S who was a part of this group way back when and I was scared to death being in here, and I would lean up against the wall or just real sheepish and sit down in a chair hoping I'd go blend through the cracks in the wall. But I would hear a message that I never heard before, and people were talking about getting recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body and that the solution was in God, the big book, and the 12 steps. And this group talked about living at all three sides of the triangle. Now, perhaps it was being shared at other places, but God put me here and opened up my ears. And I heard that. And some of you folks would invite me into your homes. I remember going to there was a Vikings in 49, a playoff game, and I was invited into someone's home. And I watched you guys take on the challenges of life. Life can be problematic with children and jobs and all those things. and all of you talked about that stuff, going through that stuff with dignity, with grace, recovered, and taking principles into those affairs. And I desperately wanted that because that was a proving ground. I saw you guys living outside of a meeting called Alcoholics Anonymous and taking this into your home. And you would take me to a diner, and I had no money. And Kip and a few others would get me coffee, a little something to eat. and I would come to this group often and it's been 20 years, almost 20 years since and I get to do this a lot. I get the opportunity to do it and I like to do that at many, many places around this great country and I just take a moment always to thank the Three Legacies Group for all you've given me and put me back together in 1988 so thank you so much for that. June 23, 1988, a loving God separated me from alcohol and my separation from alcohol was a violent separation it wasn't a thing that I decided well maybe I should go for treatment or maybe I could go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous it came out of pain and desperation humiliation, degradation in the back of a filthy hallway in the lower east side of Manhattan It was the most sordid moment in my life and perhaps one of the most sordids spots in lower Manhattan. And that's where I had to get to, to make a sincere plea to God in the back of a hallway. And that plea to god was a sincere plead. There were no bargaining chips. There were not reservations of any kind, no lurking notion that someday somehow I'll be immune to alcohol. Someday somehow maybe I can drink safely. It was at the end of the road. and I had this moment of clarity that I knew perhaps one more drink and I'd die. And I didn't want to die for the first time in my entire life. And I made a plea, if you're out there, please take me from this. And we all get those moments of clarity, that brief moment where the window opens and we're struck sober and we know exactly what we are. And I was in that jumping off place. And God answered my prayers and sent me off to my seventh and, God willing, last treatment center. And I'd been placed in a place called Alcoholics Anonymous. June 23rd, 1988, my only hope was perhaps maybe I'll stay sober for a short time and stay out of trouble because based on my track record, there's no way I can live this sober life. I had been in treatment centers before. I heard people talking about being sober for 10 and 15 and 20 years, but not me. Just want to get the heat off for a little while, And maybe I can stay sober for a little while. My hope was to stay sober for a long time. And God heard my prayers. One of his children were in trouble and the intent of getting well was pure and God interrupted my death and said, enough. And took me from that scrap heap to a level of life better than the best I've ever known. It's called Alcoholics Anonymous, a sacred place called Alcoholic Anonymous. And put me in my seven treatment center and off I went. And I seek, I continue to seek the information from the big book Alcoholics Anonymous and other inspirational books. I continue to seek teachers, I continue to seek newcomers, I continued to seek with the desperation of a drowning man because my illness does not care I get to do this all the time. My illness does not care that I'm sober 20 years. My illness does NOT care I sponsor a bunch of men because it's also very patient besides cunning baffling and powerful. So I suit up and show up and I get get to do this. I get to speak, I get to work with others and I get to seek more experiences with God. I get to get a deeper level of understanding and experience with God. I get to grow in understanding and effectiveness further than where I currently am and get freer with this power called God because what I have found out after 20 years of being on the firing line and seeing a lot of us not make it and then seeing some of the great things that happen in Alcoholics Anonymous, how we We get reborn and resurrected in a sacred place called Alcoholics Anonymous. What we ought to be in the meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous is simply a pep rally for the power of God and the great things God can do for people like us because it isn't only us, because when we wake up, when we have this spiritual experience and a touch by God and experience oneness with God because of 12 simple steps and living in all three sides of the triangle, we take that awakened spirit into our homes, occupations and affairs affairs and we get to touch the lives of others in a positive way. Walk, do a 12-step call, walk into that drunk's house. The house is in fear. The House looks like a drunk. The children and the wife are fearful. And then we get that person that God sends to us and we take them through the 12 steps and we got them well and they have the spiritual experience and then we go back into to that same home and the home looks recovered the home sounds recovered because now that awakened spirit is touching lives of others that's the great things we do in Alcoholics Anonymous and AA is beyond this meeting beyond our big book beyond our 12 steps because AA is really about having an experience with God and nothing less than that great fact what this book has taken me to The 12 steps has taken me to living in all three sides of the triangle has taken me to very simply is on most days to silence on most days to presence on most ways to breath on most days to right now. What this information has allowed me experience is God and God has made it abundantly clear to me that my external world is no longer a remedy for an internal condition called alcoholism because when I first got here, it was like, get her. There's a good way to get sober. I mean, I was the type of guy who went by a coffee pot and someone said, hello, I said, she loves me. Bondage where I'm always thinking about a drink wherever I go. Wouldn't a loving God free me of that? If I'm thinking about drinking, I've got drink issues and triggers, how do I do a 12-step call? We're going to go 12-step this guy here, and he has a nice pint of vodka on the table. Guess what? You're 12-stepping me and him if I'm still thinking about a drink. Right? But God has to get us free. We get free. We spread the spiritual wings, and God says, Go do my work. We don't have time for you thinking about alcohol anymore. There's other work to be done. And I can talk about that to you experientially. that's the great thing that's happened to me no longer thinking about a drink but how can I be of service and suit up and show up my home group is called The Vision For You Group we meet in Union, New Jersey on Thursday nights at 7.30, 8.45 and I was one of the founding members of that group most people in our town don't like us because we talk about the big book and the solution to alcoholism to get recovered, and we're referred to as that group, those people, and stay away from that guy. And we'll be four years old in June, and we started out with about 10 of us, and we were numbering 40 or 50 people on a Thursday night, and for us that's a home run. And the neat thing is the sponsor has a prospect who has a suspect. And I'm usually there between 5 and 5.30 for a 7.30 meeting, sitting with one or two or three people going through the book and having some neat experiences, and then they get well and they go sponsor someone else. It's truly one of the bright spots of my life, being on the firing line like that. To tell you in a general way what it was like, what happened, what I'm trying to be like today, what a current experience, currently where I am with a prayer life, with a meditative life, with a sponsor, sponsoring about 10 men. My first drink came when I was about 14. I grew up in Brooklyn, New York. Like you didn't know, by the way, I speak. speak. If you don't know Brooklyn, New York, the only requirement for membership there is a pinky ring, sunglasses and gold jewelry. Yeah, there's some guys there who changed how it works into how you're doing. My home group look like an episode of The Sopranos at night. You want to get sober? My first drunk, I remember, I was on the corner across street from a church and my friends were drinking cold 45 beer and I watched them drink cold 45 beer. And they seemed to be joyous, happy and free. And I wanted what they had to offer. They were roughhousing and talking to the girls and doing all the things like you're There's, you know, 14, 15, 16 rebels without a clue under the influence. And I wanted what they had to offer. And everything prior to that told me do not pick up a drink. Don't get drunk with those guys. I have a guy I was living with at the time. I call him Dad, who's cunning, baffling, and powerful. And he had given me many, many stern warnings about not drinking on the corner with those guys, not to bring any of those girls around this house. and my dad would talk to me and I would listen my dad's a tough guy, a street guy from downtown Brooklyn, rough neighborhood my dad is the type of guy where his presence shows up 20 minutes before he actually arrives and so he would give me these very stern warnings about not drinking on a corner and I wouldn't listen until this one Saturday night and the court went around a few times and I put my hand in there and I took a few pops off the court and nothing happened and the beer went down, hit my gut, nothing happened. And so with that I drank a little bit more and I drank some more and I drunk some more and then something indescribably wonderful happened to me drinking Colt 45 beer. I experienced a sense of ease and comfort that I never experienced prior to that and I did a lot of things to experience ease and discomfort but nothing worked until the Saturday night when Colt45 beer took me to a place out there. Ease and comfort. I can breathe again. I was back in my skin. And as I continued to drink, I got better looking and I had muscles. I think I found hair on my chest by the end of the night. I became a man's man by midnight drinking cold 45 beer and all the girls on the corner desperately wanted to be with me. You know how that goes, right? When you're drinking, she looks like Bo Derek and the next morning she looks more like Bo Diddley. You know what and how I got into that? that. The first drunk was absolutely wonderful. You know, I got to a place that took me away from where I was. I loved the effect produced by alcohol and I had no idea. I just stepped onto a road paved to hell and it was called alcoholism. I didn't know I was suffering from alcoholism before I picked up that first drink because I was driven by a hundred forms of fear. Didn't know it, just knew I was fearful. Completely self-centered, didn't know it, just knew there was something wrong within me. Wherever I went, there I was and it just wasn't right. And I'd have to do extra great things just to feel like I could fit in. I had lost my mom to this illness about six months prior to my first drunk. My mom was one of us and she suffered that incomprehensible demoralization over and over and over, and her solution to this was to take her life. And January of that year, she took her life, January 23rd, she succeeded in taking her life and my design for living was taken out from my lap. My legs were taken out from under me. I had no clue what to do and I'm stuck with this guy called Dad. The torment of watching her die, get sicker and sicker and finally taking her wife and dying was unbelievably painful. It took years in here Here in years of outside help to make peace with that part of my past. So at 14, a mom decides to take her life because of the humiliation degradation of alcoholism. I was completely lost until I picked up Cole 45 beer and that pain got removed. The fear of my dad was removed. The fearof me being me removed. The fear police removed. The fear everything removed. And I was present to the moment and I loved every minute of it. It became a panacea for my ills. Alcohol was not a problem for many years. as it was a solution to my bedevilments. It worked. Alcohol worked, Colt 45 beer, Jack Daniels, Mr. Boston Blackberry Brandy, anything that can take me from where I currently am worked. I had no idea, as Bill says, it was going to turn in its flight like a boomerang and cut me to ribbons and leave me at death's door in 1988. I knew nothing about the obsession of phenomenon called craving. Who knew about something called a spiritual malady? I just knew I didn't feel good in here and I drank cold 45 beer and I went there and it was great if I lived to be 100 I'll never be as old as today I walked into Alcoholics Anonymous because it took me to that store and wasn't done with me it was only in this moment of Father please if you're out there take me from this and I wasn't thinking about AlcoholicsAnonymous just please I don't want to die and God took me from there and placed me in AlcoholicsAnenomous it was awful and in that moment of 1988, June 23rd was also freeing. I continued to drink on the weekends and still wasn't experiencing what I thought was alcoholism. I just knew I liked to drink. My mind, I have a mind that's always going to take me back to that which is killing me. Mental obsession of mine made problem for me centers in a mind, not the body. My mind kept taking me back to a drink, kept taking my mind back to a drinking. Back to a drinks. Got in trouble? Go back to drinks. More trouble? Go back to a drink. That's real powerlessness, being compelled to drink when you don't want to drink. This is going to get me in trouble. Better not do it and still have to go back. Trying to plan ways of control and regulating my drinking and failing at that. Trying ways to stop my drinking, and failing at that, making promises I won't drink anymore, and still getting loaded. And then once I picked up a drink, the craving was always intensified, never satisfied. It told me when to stop. My drinking, as Bill says, assumed more serious proportions and there were many, many unhappy scenes in my home because it went from a first innocent drunk where I woke up the next morning, remembered everything, no black eyes, didn't wake up in a jail cell, you know, no car wrecks. I just had a great time. Next morning, I had a good time. I had great time, I felt terrific. In fact, my shoulders were really wide when I wokeup that day. I was a man's man. I had my passage into manhood, got my first load on. What a good deal. I remember what it did for me, what I can never do for myself. And the following Saturday rolled around, I got loaded. The following Saturday I rolled around. Got fired up, got fired up. And then I had to brainstorm, why wait until Saturday when we could get this going on Friday? And I really thought, wow, you're a pretty good guy. That's intelligent thinking. Speed up the journey to hell. Let's go. And then it became Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and consequences of my drinking. I look back on it. The biggest consequence was the unmanageability of not being able to control the next drunk, not beingable to controlthe stopping and the starting. It showed up and it owned me. There was no, well, let me think the drink through. There was nolet me find an activityto replace the drinking. My mind said, drink, we drink. over and over and over again some of the consequences I experienced were my family wondering what was going on with me I would come home very often a nasty and ugly drunk and I had two kid brothers at home and I would dump all of this venom on them about this power called God who I really had a lot of anger towards more than bristle with antagonism when you talk to me about God because God took mom God stuck me me with this guy called dad who I'm so fearful of. I can't even think about growing up and being an adult because that scared me to death. Can't even think about doing these teenager things because that just scared me to death God isn't such a nice guy and my kid brother's got all of it. And my kid brothers who idolize me, my family who never worried about me, they became fearful of me and very concerned My big book says years of living with an alcoholic will make any wife or child neurotic. The whole family is to some extent ill. By the time God separated me, June 23rd, 1980, from alcohol, my family was suffering from full-blown alcoholism, and they're not alcoholic. You see? My brothers became very fearful of what was going to walk in the door. we always felt safe around our older brother now we're not so sure I woke up one morning as Bill says when the morning terror and madness were on him it was on me and I needed money because I needed to go get drunk and where am I going to find money I discovered my dad's checkbook in a dresser drawer I pulled it out he forged his name and I did it and got away with it I did that a few times would go down to the local deli local liquor store here's my dad'S check give me some money buy a pint whatever I needed I didn't know anything about something called checking statements. And back then it was the hard, you got to check back with the stamp on, the little rubber stamp from the bank, and he got all these checks back and my signature forging his name, and He came looking for me. And He found me on the Lower East Side of Manhattan. I was sitting in a car with a girlfriend. Well, I was an alcoholic. It was a relationship like that. We met the night before and fell in love the next day. and she was sitting in the car with me my dad drove up and jumped out of the car and screamed my name I knew I was in serious trouble so I got out of car and ran away and I said listen you deal with him I'm leaving and my dad caught me and read me the riot act and what I did was started to cry with fake tears and blame her in the care and the people I'm hanging out with and he didn't buy any of it and I went off to my first treatment center And my first treatment center went with 28 days of doing push-ups and sit-ups, learning a lot of fancy therapeutic words. I hated my family more on the way out of treatment than on theway into treatment. I had not conceded to my innermost self I was a real alcoholic. I just had to get the heat off. I got caught. And my few first treatment centers were exactly that way. Got caught. Let me get out of this for a while. Treatment? Okay, I'll go. and 28 days later I had that same girl meet me at the door so they told me to go to AA meetings but I'm coming home so bring up a jug and before I got on the train to get home I cracked the seal the liquor went down the phenomenon called gravy kicked in and in a short time I was right back to the same vicious cycle again and then I made my second treatment center and I made my third treatment center and I make my fourth treatment center and every single time my thinking mind never gave me truth it presented a lie and I bought the lie and the truth almost killed me every single time any problem for me was in the mind not the body my mind lied to me my mind made me believe it was other reasons my mind told me you can be able to control and enjoy your drinking my mind taught me it's their fault if I was you I'd be drinking too it would co-sign every lie it would cosign every unspiritual act every kind of unspultural sort of behavior and make it acceptable when in the spiritual dimension it was completely unacceptable. But that's what my thinking mind did. And I would pick up a drink. The allergy would kick in, and it would stop when it wanted to, usually when I was in handcuffs in jail or totaled a car wound up in a hospital. And then there were the overdoses and on and on. And my family was dragged into this thing called alcoholism. And it wasn't because Peter Marinelli was that powerful, but what only alcoholism is. and my family would wait for the phone to ring and stay up nights because I wasn't home and my alcoholism was directly affecting them. See, I think it's incredibly arrogant and incredibly self-centered when we get to an AA meeting and we say all I have to do today is not pick up a drink and I am a winner. Let's go knock on the doors of family members and see if that works, if that's enough. Oh sure, it's great we're not drinking but is it really enough to say I'm recovered and I've made amends for the people I've leveled on the way into Alcoholics Anonymous. Just not drinking is enough. My big book tells me in step nine that we feel a man is undrinking when he says sobriety is enough, right? We need to go back to those people and make right the harms we've caused on my effort to live life on self-will, on what owned me, alcoholism. I'm like a tornado roaring through the lives of others. I get to this sacred place. I get reborn in Alcoholics Anonymous, have the spiritual experience, and then I look back and say, you can clean it up. The spiritual experience insists that I go back and make right the wrong. It insists. There's no other way to live. But a lot of our AA meetings settle for just don't drink and go to meetings. And quite honestly, it's an injustice to AlcoholicsAnonymous, And it sells the power of God so short because God is so much greater than that and can do so much more great work if we give him a chance. But we come to our meetings and say, well, I didn't pick up a drink today. I'm a winner. I'm done. I'll play on the sober softball team. That's good recovery. No, it isn't. About living in all three sides of the triangle, having a spiritual experience and giving the whole thing away. And God will replenish me. Give the whole things away and God will replenish me and going back and making right the wrong. Whether the amends are financial amends that look like a mountain, I'm never going to be able to do it. Going back to people I've harmed and wondering how I'm going to go make amends to those people. I've had it all. And little by slowly God gives me whatever I need to go visit those people and make right the long. That's why I stand free tonight in front of you. I remember going into my fifth treatment center And I got a job as a longshoreman on the Brooklyn waterfront. Have you seen the movie On the Waterfront, Marlon Brando? That was my spiritual training ground. I worked with men who were fed up with the day at sunrise, and there I was. And I quickly got bounced off that job. I mean, and they took me back and bounced off and took me back, and my alcoholism was affecting the people I work with. And I was borrowing money from people I shouldn't be in the same neighborhood with. getting paid on Wednesday and not coming back until Monday. And there were some severe consequences of that, and after a whole bunch of years of doing that, I was completely let go from that waterfront job, and I had to fend for myself. Somewhere in the middle there, I got into my fifth treatment center. And I always like to talk about this because it was a separation from alcohol for nine weeks. I was physically separated from alcohol for nine week in a treatment center in New York. I was discharged on a Saturday and I was loaded on a Monday. And on the way into this fifth treatment center, I had no job. On the way in to this fifth treatement center, people were no longer inviting me into the house. On the away in to the fifth treatment centre, I have conceded deep down in here now that I knew I was alcoholic. My family didn't want me in their house anymore. I got thrown out and taken back in, thrown out again and taken in. My fifth treatment center, I swore off alcohol forever. I know I'm an alcoholic. A powerful desire I had to stop drinking and I find out a powerful desire to stop drinking is of absolutely no avail without a spiritual experience. It may bring me to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. It may tell me to ask you for help but just having a powerful design to stop drinkin' is not good for the long run. And I had a desire, a powerful one, to stop drinkin' on my way into my fifth treatment centre And I did everything they told me to do. Got discharged on a Saturday, loaded on a Monday, and right back to the same vicious cycle as if I never went to treatment. And now all doors closed on me. I remember my dad telling me I couldn't come back to his house anymore. He had to protect his two other sons. And when my dad told me that, I remembered the venom I had for him in telling me, his oldest son, that. It wasn't until I landed in Alcoholics Anonymous and began to have this spiritual experience that I realized that a father had to tell that to his son with a broken heart. And I had so much empathy for him, the need to go back and make it right. And my two younger brothers didn't want me around, neither did my grandparents. My whole family basically locked doors because what you're bringing into this house is detrimental to us. We can't do this anymore. And I went to live on the streets for a while. And if you lived on the street, you know one night being homeless is too long for anyone. I don't care how tough we think we are. One night living in the streets with nowhere to go to is far too long. And I was out there for a little longer than one night. Doing a lot of panhandling, a lot earthly ugly things for the price of a drink. And at this point, I just wished to die. I had gotten this little apartment in Brooklyn. My dad had set it up for me. And in a short time, I got thrown out of there. Almost burned the place down. Wasn't paying rent. It looked like a pigsty. My bed was soiled. There was garbage all over the place. Bathing was the last thing on my mind. Drinking demanded be the first thing on my mind, you know? Got bounced out of there and back to the streets again. And this was the life I was living. And my mind was still trying to say, we can figure this out. There's got to be a way out of this. I went into my sixth treatment center and I spent a day and a half in my sixth treatment center and the obsession to drink alcohol was so powerful this thing called alcoholism is so powerful that it allowed me to sign myself out and go back to the streets again sign myself out, I know what to do I'll get out of here and I went back to the streets and this is where I became homeless and panhandled and it got really bad for me because every trap door has a trap door and I hit bottoms items that I'd only heard about people hitting. And I was no longer in any contact with my family. I was outside of the Port Authority in Midtown Manhattan, and I had this moment of clarity one day. God struck me sober for a brief moment, and I remember thinking of what I had turned into. It was made abundantly clear to me in this very brief moment. I don't know what happened to me prior to that or where I landed after that, but there was this one moment and I thought of my mom who passed and my dad and my kid brothers who I hadn't seen for quite some time but I knew now very clearly once again what I was a hopeless, helpless alcoholic and they almost welcomed the idea of dying there was a time I wound up in in some fleabag motel and I was dating a girl who was a barmaid there and I had no idea and I would basically living to die and welcoming death and cursing myself, as Bill says, for being a weakling. And the courage to do battle was no longer there when one night she came up after serving drinks all night and I was lying in bed and I went into her purse when she fell asleep and my goal was to steal money out of her purse so I could have money so I can go get loaded. And when I went in to her purse I found what was left of a bottle of pills. I said, this is the solution This is the way out And I ate what was left in there And washed them down Got back into bed And waited to die Alcoholism wants me dead Will settle for me Drunk and it was winning In this moment I remember thinking of my mom When my mom took her life Suffering from alcoholism I felt incredible amount of pain And sorrow over that But there was a piece of me A thread that ran through me That said she had to be weak It's got to be weakness where someone takes their life. She was not a strong woman. Weak people take their life, and when I ate those pills and washed it down with booze and got into bed and waited to die, I had this little switch go off that said to me, it has nothing to do with being weak, Pete. This is alcoholism. I need to get out, and death looks like a good way to go. Nothing to do it being weak. This is alcoholicism, and I waited to Die, and God interrupted my death. well outside this port authority I reflected upon what I was and how I lost my family and what I did in that moment of clarity was curse God when our book says we would bristle with antagonism I did more than that because of my misconceptions and misperceptions about God I came at God from external conditions I came to God I came with circumstances I came at God with my belief systems and I came at God what a ton of contempt how could I possibly see the great works God does very often Alcoholics Anonymous you know new you'll hear newcomers say well I can't see this God who am I supposed to pray to and when I offer them is this when you see the great works of one drunk helping another and those two drunks recovering then God becomes as real as I am tonight speaking to you God becomes very tangible back then it was a little different for me more than bristlewood antagonism because God you did this to me you turned me into this you took my family I wanted nothing to do with God what I found out in Alcoholics Anonymous all that stuff I would come at God with was coming at it with the same thinking mind the same think mind that said yeah pick up a drink it's ok to do today just got out of jail Joe, you can have a drink. Don't worry about it. You're on vacation. Drink. A.A. won't find out. Don't Worry About It. And in order to experience God, I have to be completely out of my mind. You hear newcomers say, I can't believe the way I'm acting. I'm doing this. I'm losing my mind and I offer them this. If you were losing your mind, you'd be doing greatest that you're too much in your mind. That's the problem. Get out of your mind lose your mind you'll find God All right, now you got it. Is this on? After that Port Authority incident when I cursed God for turning me into this and taking my family, I don't know what happened to me afterwards. I reflect upon those days in Alcoholics Anonymous, always trying to come at things with this alcoholic mind, always trying to solve a problem with the alcoholic mind, trying to resolve a problem in the same level of consciousness that created it in the first place makes no sense. I was living in the back of hallways in abandoned buildings and it got really ugly for me. If you never visited places like that and you had a nice penthouse apartment on Park Avenue, it doesn't mean that you're not alcoholic because pain is pain And my story is the worst story in the whole world because it's mine. And your story is a worse story in a whole world, because it shows and it isn't even the physical pain that brings us in here, but it's the emotional turmoil where we completely, it takes the life right out of us, where we bought him out and hit our knees. And in that desperation circumstances make us willing to do anything to go to any lens that's using when we turn back to our heavenly father and say, whatever you are, wherever you are please take me from, this. Complete leveling in order to experience a surrender, in order to experience awakening. A day shy of June 23rd, 1988, you probably have a different speaker here tonight. A day longer than June 23, 1988 you probably have a different speaker tonight. I lost contact with my family and there I was living on the streets, and I remember having impending doom. I kept thinking about taking my own life. I kept thinkin' that somethin' awful was gonna happen to me. I kept Thinkin' About Tragic Things Was Gonna Happen To Me. It was due. It was a matter of time. I was hangin' out in a very rough crowd, and bad things were happenin' to people all around me. I was full-blown alcoholic. I couldn't stop drinkin'. I knew I had to stop drinkIN'. I was compelled to drink. I couldn't stop drinking. I had no power to stop the drink. I had No Power to Stop the Condition of My Life. I had NO POWER, period. I had NONENESS with this power called God. I was separated, if you will, from this power. And alcohol was truly my master. And I just prayed to die. Just let me drink too much and go to sleep and never wake up. I do my family a service. June 23rd, 1988, in the back of a hallway, the way God gave me this moment of clarity once again. See, my Heavenly Father, God doesn't turn around and say, Hey, listen, I put you in six treatment centers. Enough of you. You know how we get those guys who keep relapsing? Oh, you take them. I'm done with him. God has open arms saying one of his children is in trouble. I don't care what you've done. Forgiveness come with me. Six treatment centers, I curse God. I burned every bridge he put in front of me. I abandoned my family. I cursed my family, everything you could possibly think. June 23rd, 1988, I said, Father, please, if you're out there, take me from this. And God interrupted my death once again and didn't care about my track record. One of his children was in trouble. Stop my death. I have other work for you to do. And placed me in a place called Alcoholics Anonymous after treatment. And from New York, I came out here to a facility. I got to drive by today. See what it looked like? and after treatment out here, I went to a halfway house out here in Hastings, Minnesota. I was brought to this group and I heard people talking about a message of hope. Great things happened to me. June 23rd, 1980, I remember wondering who am I going to call to come get me in this condition condition, who's going to come get me in this condition? I can't call anyone except my dad. My dad is the only person on this planet I can call to come get me in this condition. And I would go to the phone and pick up the phone, try to call him, collect and I would have it, I would start to weep. Go to another phone, call him and collect, start to weep And around the third or fourth or fifth phone call, I'm not really sure, I had this moment of thinking, how could I have my dad come see me in this condition. I look like a Bowery bum. This would truly break his heart. That same day, my dad was leaving South Jersey coming to look for me. He was with his wife in Atlantic City and he had this feeling that I was in trouble. I hadn't seen him for a while now. God works through people. And he left and did this few hour drive and started driving into the streets of Brooklyn, New York and that's where he found me. And when he got out of the car his department shouted he was a man with an answer. Not like the first time when he came after me when I stole checks from him. God gave him a spirit to meet me where I was at the time. A more aggressive spirit I would have bailed. A more softer spirit I would've ran circles around that. God gave my dad enough to meet me enough courage strength and direction to meet me where I was at that moment and my dad was able to stand proud because of God in the most sordid moment in both our lives, June 23rd, 1988. I remember collapsing into my dad's arms and I remember this very clearly how my dad was holding me which is very unlike him. See our roots were beginning to grass new soil in this wreckage something was starting to grow. It was called life, a new life. Couldn't see it then. My dad was holding I remember him telling me, I'm not going to lose my son to this over and over and over again. And off I went to my seven treatment center. Little by slowly, and being an active member in Alcoholics Anonymous, my family has been reassembled. Relationships have been mended. I've gone back to old employers. I have a prayer life. I have a meditative life. I've made amends to people, going back to old employees, going backto my family members, going backtosome tough characters and making amends. It's beginning to sponsor people early on in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I continue to work with others. And there was a time on this journey where I started to wonder, as my external world started to get okay and my internal condition was getting well, I startedto wonder, does my Heavenly Father know me? One of the greatest freedoms that I've experienced is knowing that I am known by my Creator. Knowing that this power that we talk about, this power that we pray to, is in here. And there is no duality with me and God. Oneness wherever I go. And whether I'm working or whether I're playing it all looks the same because I will move with God from moment to moment to movement. And when I got clear on that, I was able to touch the Spirit of God in you and touched the spirit of God in you and suddenly everything became very simple and one this was great freedom for me who would judge on face value your entire life that was removed destroyed a false by discovering truth and God was truth for me in prayer meditation God gave me tremendous experience that revolutionized my life that allowed me to know that I was known by the Creator. We take things into prayer, we take things into meditation, a practice we don't talk enough about in the sacred rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous but prayer and meditation about going into sacred silence going into darkness to see going into silence to hear with our Heavenly Father and being still after prayer and wait like a student for his teacher and I would take things into prayer take things into meditation and wait my cares and my concerns and when God saw the ground was fertile He allowed things to grow and gave me experiences that completely turned my life around when I tell you I know I am known by my creator that isn't a little sound bite that's not a little slogan that's something I'm giving lip service to I truly mean that experientially I can tell you what that's like when our book says enter the world of the spirit Experientially, I can talk to you about that. Ain't that a good deal? I was a drunken bum in Brooklyn dying in lower Manhattan and God resurrects my life, puts me in AA and I can talked to you about having experiences with God even though I don't understand it, not trying to understand it and I get to see God working in this place called Alcoholics Anonymous, this sacred place. My greatest spiritual teachers and I've sought out many outside of AA and God put some in my path My greatest spiritual teachers have been members of Alcoholics Anonymous. Members of Alcoholic Anonymous, guys like me, women like me. My first meditation teacher was a woman outside of Alcoholical Anonymous and she directed me on meditation and then God put people in AA to enhance that experience about meditation and the importance for the sacred silence, the importance of having a prayer life, that it's so much more than just suiting up and showing up for an AA meeting. Back home, I experience a lot of resistance when I say my AA meeting don't keep me sober. What do you mean? Well, it don't. Because if it did and I got here tonight and for some reason this place was shut down, are you telling me I'm getting drunk? Where's God in that equation? Right? And I need to be here. I get to be there. It's one side of my triangle. I'm in fellowship. get recovered through the 12 steps grow in understanding and effectiveness and give it away in service I love what you read the basic service AA provides is one drunk work or another when we lose that we have no meeting we have not alcohol synonymous and then we get to work with others it becomes the bright spot of our life walking this journey with a beginner's mind not an expert's mind being open and teachable and free from past no longer having the voice from the past determine my current life and I get to work with others I get a chance to go do these things my family's roots grass new soil we walk shoulder to shoulder we have our challenges like most families life tends to be problematic but there's a new spirit that goes on and how I go through life I experienced incredible challenges and great freedoms here, all with the power of God. I hope to always stay teachable and give this message away with the same love and gratitude that has been given to me each and every day I walk into a sacred place called Alcoholics Anonymous. I thank AA with all my love. I thank this group with all My heart. And I thank My Heavenly Father for allowing me to live a recovered life. That's all I got. Peace. Thank you.