The Spiritual Malady of the Man Who Thought He Was Bulletproof – John K.

Wow. This is a big crowd. My name's John Kelly. I'm a grateful, recovered alcoholic. And my sobriety date is September 4th, 1999, and for that I'm grateful. And just in case you weren't here this morning, I'm going to start out just like I always do. I don't walk around saying that I'm grateful because I got stuff. God wants to see me in action. So what better way to show the God of my understanding, my gratitude, than to get off my rear end and take this message, not my message, this message to my brothers and sisters who are dying just like I was. That's how I show God my gratitude. And that's a pretty good deal for me. I want to thank the people involved for inviting us especially little old me I mean how many times am I going to get to come to Iceland maybe never and when this opportunity came up my friends back in Dallas are like dude you're going to Iceland it's very very cool And I and I appreciate the offer. And everybody's been so, so nice to me. My shirt sleeves are a little too long, so this jacket may not last very long. But Chris Raymer told me, buddy, just pray and do what you do best. and what I do best is I hope that my story you can identify. I just want to have a little show of hands here. How many of you men and women have more than five or six sobriety dates? All right. Keep them up. How many got more than ten? All right. More than 20. Come on. I went to my first AA meeting in 1988 in Dallas. It was a good one. It was good treatment center. I went through a treatment center, right? Had a swimming pool, basketball court. There was co-ed. There was men and women, you know. All the ladies still had all their teeth. It was awesome, man. And I thought, this is just the ticket to get my parents off my behind and get my little girlfriend back. I didn't understand one thing of what it meant to be an alcoholic. I just knew that my dad was an alcoholic and his dad was a alcoholic and everybody on the Kelly side of the family is an alcoholic, and here I am doing the same thing. I didn' t realize anything about this illness. I didn''t understand anything about it. All I wanted to do was get the heat off. But, you know, a funny thing, I'm going to digress a little bit. But before I even took a drink, I was suffering from that condition. I don't know. Maybe you were maybe you had the same experience. But before ever took it, you Know, I'd be going to school and I had I was the first of five kids. Carrie was the last of five years. I was The First. I call myself the test kid. You know, below me, there's two sets of twins, you Now, and they all looked up to me. You Know, I made great grades. I played every athletic sport. I had skateboard ramps in my backyard. I did everything. But it never was good enough for me. You know, I go to school and I have a little report to do or I come in a little bit later. I get up to go to the restroom and I come back and I could just feel you looking at me. I had this little voice in my head. John, you're a freaking loser. you know that was my life we moved around a lot when i was a kid and then my mama just said you know what you're just a little shy you know you're self-conscious but i had that judge in my head you know that i just didn't quite measure up i had all the right clothes you know i had i mean when nikes first came out i had nikes you know and then mi grandmother's like hey you got some of those Nikes. I had everything a kid could ask for. My parents didn't beat me. I wasn't abused. I was told that I was great and I had it all going on, but inside it just wasn't working. I didn't fit in. I didn'T fit in with my friends. I DIDN'T fit IN with my brothers and sisters. They had a little different bond. They're twins. You know, i actually if i could find these people i mean i have actually told people just kind of in jest you know oh what happened to your twin you know yeah he died at birth you know like hey i'm sorry i didn't mean to you know i was at tennis camp in florida we moved to what we moved to Miami when I was like 14, 15 years old. And I go to this high dollar tennis camp. I was ranked in the state. And after two weeks, most of the people went back to wherever they're from, but a few of us stayed on. And it was me and another boy about my age and three girls who were like 18. And on Saturday, the people at the camp took us into the town and we went to the mall and to the movie and we got back and the girls decided, you know, they'd want some beer. Now, I never got drunk before, but I stepped right up to the plate. Me and whatever his name was, we'll go get the beer. And so we had to run like three miles, you know, to this little convenience store. We got a case of beer, a case of Budweiser, plopped it on the counter. And the guy looked at us like, are you frigging nuts? You're kids. I'm not. And I had to explain to him, dude, we got like three hot chicks back at the tennis camp, you know, work with me, buddy, work with me. You know, pulled out the cash. He said, meet me out back. We scored a case of beer. We ran back to this place. We put it on ice. You Know, we did our little dinner and everything. And we came back to our room and the beer's all cold and we start to drink. And just like it says in Bill's story. I had arrived, you know, that little voice in my head that says I was a frigging loser was nowhere to be found. All of a sudden I was hip, slick and cool. And those chicks dug me. They wanted me and I kept drinking. It worked. I love that effect. The last thing I remember that night, it was I was drinking a beer and I saw a pair of boobies and that was it. A pattern was set, you know. You know? I woke up the next day feeling like crap. My mouth was all dry, you now. I guess the guys, the tennis camp guys, they got wind of it and they ran us to death. You know, I was hating life, but I loved that night. It worked. It registered. It clicked up here. I didn't drink again for quite a while, but when I started drinking again in my later years in high school, senior year in high school, that feeling came back. And when I would have my little fake ID and go into the clubs and I was too shy to ask her out to dance or whatever, I knew if I drank a few drinks, the old magic would come back, you know? And I was good at drinking. I'm not like some of you knuckleheads. I didn't get in trouble when I first started drinking. I drank good and I drank a lot and I didn'T get into trouble. I didn' t slur my words. If anybody was driving, I was driving. It didn' T matter. I was bulletproof. I could not be touched. This booze gave me the keys to the universe. it worked and I stuck with it so despite the prejudice and the warnings of my people when they told me you know you're growing up to be just like the Kellys you need to chill out why on earth would I chill out are you nuts Do you ask Samson to cut his hair, you know? But pretty soon, drinking became the priority. I mean, everywhere I went, I had booze. Everything I did had boozed. If I was going to your New Year's Eve party, I was getting well organized at my house. You know? If I went to the grocery store, I was having drinks. I was hiding, you know, in the beginning, you'd see me at work or at school or whatever. How much did you drink? Oh man, I had like 15 shots of tequila and all this. You know, I'm bragging about it. But over the years, I start to hide it. I start lying about it, oh, I just had a couple. You know? I smell like a bottle of booze is just pouring out of my body. You know. I just have a couple strong stuff you know over time those injuries start to pile up you know those girlfriends go away all these friends that I held near and dear to my heart I kind of ran them off just like when they would I think it says in Bill's story the remonstrances of my friends terminated in a row they called me on my stuff and I told them to get lost. I don't need you. Here I am, I'm going off to college, I'm gonna go to law school, I'm wanna become a partner in my uncle's firm and I'm gotta be retired by the time I'm 40 and things are kick ass and if you don't like what I do, leave. I was like an actor because it was hurting inside that you were leaving but I couldn't stop drinking. I had a great opportunity. I worked for Hard Rock Cafe. Started as a waiter, became head waiter, became bartender, head bartender. Got into management, became corporate management. And I was going to start coming to places like Reykjavik to open up restaurants, train managers, do all this stuff, right? I had it going on. I was the last manager hired by the founder of Hard Rock Café. I had an idea. I had girlfriend. I had good clothes. I had comp. I flew, you know what I'm saying? I had everything, not a cloud on the horizon, except I couldn't stop drinking. I mean, I was on, I had so many calls to my manager's office, you know, I was like on double secret probation, you Know, it's like, don't screw up. I had every reason to stop. But I couldn'T stop. on a Saturday night after my shift our Saturday day I went a buddy of mine came to the work and we decided to go to another place and have a few beers, wind down I had a presentation to do in front of the whole staff with the big cheese guys on Sunday morning before we opened I had every intention of going to this little restaurant and having a couple of drinks and going home and getting a good night's sleep so I could make this presentation well i had that first one in my little brain says oh that was good give me another one and next thing you know we're doing shots next thingyouknow we're at a titty bar next thingyouknowwe're knocking on somebody's door scoring some outside issues and i'm drinking the whole time if i remember correctly i dragged my ass back to my house at six in the morning and i had to be there at seven and I was in no shape to make a presentation. But by God, the fierce determination to win came back and I came in there and they called me to the carpet and they were trying to offer me another shot at sobriety and I gave them my keys and I said, I don't need you. I cashed in my stock and I'm going to open up my own restaurant. I'll show you. i will prove to you that i am somebody i don't need you and then about a month later when i was about to sign on the dotted line for my own restaurant i took a day or so prior to that important engagement i took it during casambuca and i drank the bottle that was in my freezer i had the liquor store bring me two more i went on a two-day bender didn't sign the papers a week later i was in puerto rico and stayed for two years and spent all the money. I mean, I knew one person in Puerto Rico. And I kid you not, this is from my friend who was still at the Hard Rock Cafe. Within a week, we were walking through like the Plaza de Armas and you hear this, shh, mira, JK. And then these girls are waving and he's like, my buddy's like dude, you're like the friggin' mayor, man. I mean, little old ladies know my name, you know. I know how to find booze. And no matter where I went, I was there and I kept drinking and I almost died several times in Puerto Rico. And I wasn't really doing it. I mean the outside issues are cheap and they're good. But my deal was booze and I was drinking two-fifths a day and I couldn't stop. And I tried to stop one time. I went cold turkey and damn near died. I went through four or five days of DTs walking around Old San Juan with a butcher knife in my back pants looking for people that weren't there. My sainted mother called to my friend because she hadn't heard from me in a while and my friend says, you know, he ain't going to make it. And I finally got her on the phone and she had to send me the money or she sent my friend the money to fly me back. And she said, just whatever you do, don't drink. Needless to say, there was a screw-up at the ticket counter and I got bumped to first class and I drank all the way back to Texas. I went to another rehab. I actually got a sponsor who got it, you know. He had the message. And for the first time in my life, I had a little bit of hope and I started going through the work. And about 60 or 90 days into it, I got a little girlfriend. Back in Texas, they all know her name because it's Debbie. Debbie. She was the frigging bomb, man. Everybody wanted Debbie and I got her, you know? And we're going to our little meetings and we're doing our little stuff on the side and everything is great. I'm driving my mama's car, living at my mama. I'm 30 years old, you know, it's so great. Right. And then a couple of weeks before that Christmas, Debbie decided she don't want me no more and I'm screwed. And I remember going into a meeting at this place and it was a gratitude meeting. And on two days without Debbie, I'm like nine months without a drink. I don't know how long it'd been since I've been having any spiritual contact. And these jokers are talking about, well, Jim Bob's in town and he's my son and he's sober and I'm so happy. And I'm dying. My sponsor tells me my ego and my pride will kill me. All I had to do was raise my hand. All he had to do is nudge the guy next to me and say, buddy, I ain't going to make it. But I didn't do that. I got up, I went to the bathroom, washed my face. I looked at my watch. The liquor store is closed at nine in Texas, right? I looked in my watch, it was 847. Holy shit, I can make it to the liquor store. And I didn't go and get a little half pint or a pint, you You know, and like sip on it. I got the big stinking bottle of vodka and I went home and just started pouring it down my throat because I couldn't take it. My sainted mama got to come home and see me drunk on Christmas. She got to see me drunk on Christmaston the next Christmas and I couldnít stay sober. I got so many desire chips at this one place when Iíd pick up a desire chip I mean, those bastards didn't even clap for me anymore. They're like shaking their head. They're not like, could you bring some of yours back? We're getting low, you know. So I go to this beaten down treatment center that I carry the message at now and I go there that first time and stay there 90 days. I got a big book dumper for a sponsor, and he picks me up on Sundays every week at that treatment center. We go to his house, and we go through the big book, and I've got hope again. But I still miss Debbie. And I didn't have any money. I didn'T have a car anymore. I'm used to those good things. And I had a really big chip on my shoulder that I tried to hide. and I got to this little halfway house and I Got me a job right off the bat You know let those other poor bastards sit on their ass and whine I went out and got a job And I caught the bus every day to this job And I started saving money The state of Texas is paying for me to stay at this halfway house I got no bills The law's not after me I haven't even been into trouble yet, right? And pretty soon my little ego You know it's a funny thing I get sober and I'm about dead, right And I get sober, and I get a job, and I get up early in the morning to catch the bus to get to work, to work all day long, catch the Bus, get back home. I'm hungry. I'm tired. I take a shower. I get something to eat, and by then it's like 8 o'clock, and that's too late for me to catch The Bus and go to a meeting. And pretty soon those cats in my house, I didn't really relate to them anymore. I didn' t like those guys, you know? So I had a couple thousand dollars saved up, and I thought, you know, I need to get my own place. So on a Sunday during the spring, during the NCAA basketball tournament, I get up in the morning, get my little backpack, catch the bus to the train, and I get to the part of town where I want to live. Not a cloud on the horizon. And I start looking for me a place to live Now, you'd know I was in the restaurant business forever. I know everybody on this strip that has a restaurant. And I stop in one of those places to have a bite to eat because I'm hungry. Normal thing for an alcoholic, right? Out looking for work, you've got to eat. So I stop and I'm looking at the basketball scores. Somebody who I hadn't seen for years brings over a beer and a shot and I drink it. Without even thinking. Drink it. And I proceeded to get well organized. I drank all that I could at that bar and I went to the next bar and the next one and the last one and the one in the next one I woke up in Parkland Hospital with a felony possession of public intoxication and kicking a cop in the chest for trying to get me out of a taxi cab and I was just out looking for an apartment you know I sat in that place all day long waiting for myself to get bonded out and all I'm thinking is, God Almighty, you've got to help me. You've got to help me. I'll call Frank. I'll get my shit together but please help me get out of here. I know I screwed up. I don't want to drink anymore and that was my prayer and my sincere desire all day long and into the night and they started bailing us or processing us out and they gave me my little backpack with my wallet, my watch, and I put my watch on. Eight forty seven. And I walked directly out of the jail. I ran across the street to the liquor store. I might as well have gone in and said, you know what? I just got a felony possession charge, a public intox and kicking a cop in the chest. Can I get another bottle of that shit, please? That was that really worked for me yesterday. My alcoholic life became the only normal one. I couldn't get a place to live. I had to live at your house or my brother's house. My brother ended up having to call the cops on me one night and I got to go spend another night in jail. I ended up at that treatment center another time. And on a Friday night, they called us into it. We were down having a smoke break. They call us up, and they said, all right, gentlemen, gather around. We've got a group. We've Got an AA meeting. And I'm just thinking, fuck. I've heard it. I've been in AA for 10 freaking years. I've Heard everything you've got to offer. This little crusty old 80-year-old guy gets up there, and he blew my mind. He broke down the big book. It is an art form. And it made sense. And one of his protégés was there, and I asked this guy to be my sponsor. And he started going through the work. I got that hope again. And I met a buddy of mine. We're so identical. It's amazing. He's like my brother that I didn't have. Same thing, living with mom. I screwed up everything in our lives. Just terror and destruction. My family hit their all-time lows because of me. Same with his family, right? We got the same sponsor, and like Myers and like Cliff told us when we were in there, he goes, buddy, when you get out of this place, you've got two choices if you're the real deal. You've got to. I mean, I'm always big at saying, you know, life is all about options. But when you're The Real Deal and you're beating up like I was, it's down to two. I'm either going to go back out and drink myself to death or I'm going to accept hell. And that's what they told me. And we got out of that treatment center, and I stuck it out for about 60 days. This was the end of 98. And I just had to get Debbie back. And I had to give my stuff back. Self-pity kicked my ass. I had no solution yet. I wasn't willing to do what you did. I wasn'T willing to DO WHAT THESE GUYS DID. It was all about me. It was ALL ABOUT ME GETTING MY CAR BACK. It was All About Me. And pretty soon it became too much time for me to drive all across Dallas to go to this meeting on Friday night and then to make, you know what I'M SAYING? I HAD TO MAKE ONE MORE RUN AT IT. and I hung on for dear life for about another 30 days and I picked up the first drink and I went downhill quick the beginning of 99 I was in 5 hospital emergency rooms in like a 4 week period all drinking nothing else in massive quantities I'm taking a water bottle and pouring the water bottle out filling it full of 100 proof vodka so I can nurse myself as I'm trying to go through the rigmarole at this county hospital so the state can pay for me to get Librium I'm IV'd on a bed drinking vodka out of the water bottle needless to say those doctors were over my shit they were done with me I remember I had to go pee and I said you know I got to go to the bathroom he's like well you're not standing up and I say I gotto go pee brother he just walked off he came back and he brought me one of those little bowls I said roll on your side and pee and I roll on my side and there's like this black family You know, I roll over and I'm like, what have I got to lose? You know. And I don't know, maybe if it's just cold weather or what it was. I rolled over and my little pecker is like, you know, it's like Mr. Turtle, you know, you're going to have a hard time. And this old black lady is looking at me like going, damn, it is true about those white boys. I don't know why I told you that story. Just promise me, like if you're female tonight after the meeting and we're talking, don't start looking at me like, come on man, have a little decency, all right? So I got my little Librium and I went to my little friend's house and I tried desperately to tape paper off and I couldn't do that. And I'd go get another desire chip and I'd shake it out for a day and the madness was upon me and I had to go get more booze. And somehow I managed to save up a little money and got my own place, a little hole, but I got it. and I was famous for calling in sick on Mondays I worked for an alcoholic boss so it was kind of normal but I called in sick on a Monday because I overshot the mark on Saturday and Sunday called in sickness on Monday I couldn't make it through Monday I had to get a little vodka overshotthe mark, had to call in sick on Tuesday and finally he's like you know buddy, I need you and I'm like you know budd, F you I don't need you and I hung up the phone I actually threw my phone and I hit my knees and I just started crying and I'm like God you gotta let me die I can't go on like this I can not live with booze I can live without booze I am screwed so I went to the liquor store and I bought as many of those big plastic bottles of vodka as I could carry and I got back to my house ripped off the tops and started drinking And I did that from the end of June of 99 until September the 1st. I didn't eat. Maybe some ramen noodles. I drank vodka. And I had a bunch of over-the-counter sleeping pills and I was popping those and drinking as much vodka as I could drink. And on Friday, September the 2nd, I think that's the date, I came to and I see the vodka everywhere and I'm still alive and I started crying again but this time something said you know I don't want to die drunk and I called this guy Matthew my sponsor and he hadn't heard from me in nine months and I don' t know how I dialed his number that's a God deal because I couldn't tell you his number to save my life today. And he's got the same number, but I dialed that number. And I'm like, Matthew? And he'd like, hey, how you doing? Want to go to Homeward Bound and carry the message? And I was like, ah! But I told him, and he says, well, what do you do? He goes, do I need to get you to detox? And I'm like, you know, I can't go to another detox. Screw this. I got to do this on my own. And I had called, you know, people in my family get God. You know, I got brothers that went to the seminary. They got it. You know they got, you know they got a solution to all their problems. And one of my brothers is over in the next town finishing up his master's degree and I called him and you know these people had every right not to pick up the friggin phone. they had every right to let me do what i needed to do my mama even told me my mama who always bailed me out told me at some point in 98 buddy i love you you're my baby i grew up with you but if you got to drink yourself to death you gotto do it without us click i think an al-anon got a hold of her. But I called my brother Joel and he came and got me. And I don't know exactly what he felt. We've talked about it since then, but I can't ever imagine what he must the felt looking at his big brother. The one that he looked up to all these years. And he took me back to his house. He had like a guest house, a back house behind his house and he pretty much locked me in it. He would check on me, make sure I wasn't convulsing and shit. Of course I didn't sleep. I shook it out. I'm hearing the voices. I got the bugs crawling over me. It sucked. My body was screaming for a drink. And that was on a Friday. On Saturday, I could barely walk. Y'all know that walk? You know, you're just like, hey, how you doing? Legs flying everywhere, you know? If I tried to eat some fruit or something, as soon as it hit my stomach, it came right back up with a little bit of blood and everything else. I'm walking back to that back house and my body is screaming for vodka and I knew I had like $20, $22 in my bank account and I know I was going to die. And I knew there was a liquor store right across the street if I could get across the Street without him seeing me. And I thought, you know, I'm making a break for it. You know, walking like this. I'm taking a break. And I get to the fence because he can't see me, you know, from there. I get into the fence and it's like 10 feet high, you know, and I'm just like, wow. So I just finished shaking it out. Over that weekend while my phone was turned off, this boss who I had horribly abused called me and left me a message and said, hey, a project just came in and I have to have you. I hate your guts. I think you're a jackass, but I need you for two weeks. The owners are out of town. I needyou for two weeksto work on this project and as soon as it's over you're done. I don't want to hear from you again. Call me if you can do this, you know? So the day after After Labor Day holiday, my first fairly semi-normal day, I go to work and it was hard work. And I'm talking to this sponsor, Matthew, and he's like, buddy, are you going to make it to the meeting tonight? Are you goingto make itto the meeting? You got to go to themeeting. I said, all right, I'm going to go. I'mgoing to go and the obsession was on me. I needed a drink and as I'm getting ready to leave the phone rings it's my boss he tells me hey you got a phone call and it's Matthew he says where are you going I said I'm done working I'm gonna go home and take a shower I'm dirty I'm stinky and he's like don't go home stay there go drive around get to the meeting early I don't care what you do Don't go home And he goes My wife's about to have a baby So I may not make it at the meeting If I'm not there You talk to Cliff And I was like Oh shit He's mean I need some love I need somebody To pat me on the butt And tell me It's going to be alright And I didn't go home. And I went to that group and I walk in and guess who I saw? Cliff. And he walked up to me because he knew I was coming. And He gave me a hug and I said, I need to talk to you. And he looked at me. You know how like if you got your grandpa and he wears glasses and when he means business, he kind of looks over the top of his glasses and he looked up at me and he's Like, John Kelly, what the hell can I do for you? I'm still walking pretty quick and I'm like, snot's coming out of my nose. I'm crying. I'm a wreck. You know, I stink. I'm dirty. I am unwholesome as get out. I'm, like, I don't want to drink. And we had a few minutes before the meeting start and he took me into another room And we sat down, and he proceeded to blow my mind on this deal. He didn't pat me on the butt and tell me it was going to be okay. He disturbed me about this illness. He didn'T tell me I was an alcoholic. He let me draw my own conclusion. And the way he does it, I'm going to send Arner some CDs, so the way she does it is just frigging genius. It's perfect. There's not a wasted word. And I knew my truth. And I'm sobbing, and he looked at me, and he said, are you the real alcoholic? Yeah, I'm the real alcoholic. And he's like, buddy, you're effed. You ain't going to make it. Look at you. He said, I'm going to be your sponsor. Matthew's good, but you ain't going to make it, brother. You got one shot. I'm gonna tell you when to call me and you're gonna call me at that time. I'm Gonna Tell You Where I'm Speaking and You're Gonna Be There. You're gonna do what I say, which is right out of this big book, and you will recover. He said look at these people out there. Do they have an answer to their problems? And I said yeah. he said look at me do you believe me and i said hell yeah i believe you he says what do you have to lose with the desperation of a drowning man it says right he said he wanted me to read some material out of the book and i was going to meet with him in two days right so he said let's go into the meeting he goes when you get home tonight i want you to hit your knees and i want you to say to whatever power you got out there, thank you. Thank you for a shot. And I was doing fine during the meeting until one of the ladies who I knew from the past came and she hugged me and I lost it. I lost it big time but I got home and I had a different outlook page 46 of my big book says we found that as soon as we're able to lay aside prejudice express even a willingness to believe in a power greater than ourselves here's the promise, we commence to get results I got home and I hit my knees and I told the God who I thought abandoned me I told him thank you I had no lurking notion I didn't know how it was going to work out I didn' t have anything and I commenced to get results I knew that night I do not have to die drunk he told me to call him at eight in the morning and i called him eight in the morning he says well so you're off to a good start you can follow directions because i'm speaking at so-and-so night so-on-so group tonight you be there bring your big book i showed up he didn't even talk to me he asked me he did at the end of the meeting he asked if I was reading and I said yes sir and he said be at our meeting call me tomorrow I called the next day and he says on the way to the meeting tonight I need you to go to the Salvation Army and I'm going to give you three guys names Manny, Moe and Jack pick these three guys up get them to the meet and get them back see you there click He didn't ask me if that fit into my little busy schedule, you know. He didn'T say, do you have time? If you could do this. No, he said, do this and I did that. If he told me to go jump in the water naked, I would have done that. I didn't want to drink. The day after that, I met at his house and we went through that information again. We went through That Doctor's Opinion. We went over the mental obsession. We went Over the Spiritual Malady. I had a little bit of hope. And we got to the third step. He says, you ready to do it? I said, hell yeah, I'll do anything. And he gave me a big book. And we went into his little living room, you know, the room where nobody goes. It's like all the furniture is neat and everything. We got on our knees and he said, he opened the book to page 63 and he says, I'm going to say a prayer and make sure God's with us and we're going to do a third step prayer. Now every third step pray I've ever done before we just read it out of the book, right? So we got on Our Knees we bowed our heads, put our arms around each other and he says a prayer and I have no idea what he said because in my head I am praying my ass off. And finally he shakes me and he's like I need to hear what you're saying to God. And I said God, I've tried this since 1988 and I'm scared and I don't want to die drunk. please give me the willingness to do whatever I've got to do to get what's in here. Amen. And he said, stand up. I stood up because I thought I screwed up, you know? And he looked at me over the top of his glasses again and he gave me a hug and he goes, you just did the third step prayer. We went back to his office and he gave me instructions for my fourth step. He made sure everything was clear and I said, yes sir. He goes, great, you got one week. Call me when you're done. I didn't have a friggin' month to work on it or two months or, you know. It's not like, hey, there's 12 months, there's twelve steps. Yeah, a step a month, you knows. That works out. It's balanced, you Know. I needed a solution booze for so many years was my solution and it was kicking my ass I needed the solution that had depth and weight and the only way to get that solution is to find out what was blocking me off from that solution and the Only Way to Find Out is to do an inventory so I went home and I started writing that inventory and for the next couple of days when I'd call him at eight in the morning I'd get my little piece out right in the beginning And he'd say, where are you at on your four-step? Well, I'm done with my resentments. I'm working on this. Great. Call me when you're done. Click. And I went over to his house. I called him a day or so later. I said, I've got a question for you. I said I'm down with my four-stepped. He goes, good. Be here tomorrow at 1. And he goes, in the meantime, I want you to go over that review it one more time. Say a prayer and review it once more and then be at my house tomorrow. And I did that. and as I'm looking over that fourth step something changed it was like if you're a safe cracker you got the one combination the two combinations that third one and it finally falls into place it clicked I'm thinking holy crap this is all about me this is my stuff and I went over to his house and we did that fifth step and it was I mean it wasn't it was not pretty going through it at that time but I did you know but I got it you know the little light came on you know and I could see that it wasnít your fault it was me this is all about me and look at what I did to you and i got home and i was being quiet for the hour and reviewing that stuff and and and asking saying those prayers and a little thought hit me holy crap i'm taking something to the grave here i omitted something you know it's not that important it's stupid you know we ask if we have omitted anything for we are building an arch through which we shall walk a free man at last and i hadn't been free in all those years i was sober all those various attempts at being sober i was never free i may have been dry but booze still on my ass. That's a horrible place to be. And I had to call him. Cliff, this is John Kelly. I've been expecting your call. I'm like, I thought he was a frigging genius. You know, now all you guys do that. I do that to my guys now, you know? Yeah, I'm just waiting for you to call. I got all the answers, you know? He had me hooked, right? And I said, man, I got to tell you this. He says, all right, lay it on me. And I say, okay. What I ended up doing was I drank rubbing alcohol. And not once, more than once. When the terror was upon me and I didn't have any booze, I had to drink what I had drunk. I'd mix it with a little straight lemon juice. And I was going to take that one to the grave with me, you know? He laughs. You're like, dude, you're a friggin' alcoholic. What do you expect? What don't about this don't you get? You're not, you don't get it. You know. So the cool thing was, is the action that I took showed God that I mean business, that I'm willing to go to any length not to drink. That thing does not own me anymore. That thing, I'll joke. I just joked about it. It doesn't hurt me. But I can't be free if I'm omitting that stuff. I saw the wreckage of the past and I didn't want it anymore. I asked God to come take it. It's God. It's the God of my understanding, but it's God and if he can help his booze and your booze and their booze in the world and all that, he can handle me and God can take my garbage. The seven set prayer says I pray that you should have all of me good and bad, right? So that I can help me? No! So that i can help you. It just so happens God has taken care of me. See, God's doing for me what I can't do for myself so I can go out and help you. He's going to take care of me. God forbid if I get Debbie to take care of Me. And I've searched for this girl forever. I've got to make her an amend somehow. So if y'all know her, you know. I got a lot of amends, you know, got a lot of them in and I got my list and we kind of divided it up a little bit, you know, the ones I know I'm going to make right now, you know, my mama and my brothers, my sisters and I had some sketchy ones, you know, that I wasn't quite too sure about. He said, well, you know, we'll pray about those and I had a couple of those men. I ain't never making amends to those cats. They'll shoot me. She'll shoot me. And he said, you just go ahead and keep adding to that list because pretty much everybody you came into contact with since you started drinking, you lied to, cheated them, conned them, manipulated them. You owe them an amends. You'll be making amends till the cows come home. But we went to work on my list immediately. So by now I'm all of 13, 14, 15 days sober And I call my sainted mother up. She lives about 90 miles away. Now, this woman has gone to the mat for me, just like your mamas did, over and over and over, and she has seen my bullshit over and over and over, you know? I mean, I'm not a parent, so I don't understand that parental bond thing, but if I took a sip of booze here in Iceland, that woman would know. She'd sense it in my voice. When I told her that Cliff was my sponsor, she said, Hallelujah, I've been praying that you were going to get somebody like that. I didn't know who it was going to be. But I called her and set up this amends, and I drive out to her house, and she's sitting on the front porch. Kind of a cool morning. And I see her on the porch. And I get out of my car, and she is standing up and walking towards me, and she has a big smile on her face. She's bawling. And I'm looking under the wheels of my truck. I thought I ran over a dog or something, you know. And she came up to me and she gave me a hug and just bawling and I'm crying, you know. I tried to be a tough guy for all these years. I'm bawling. And she looked, pulled back and she looked at me and said, you're different. Something's different. I don't know what you got, but I like it. And I started to make the amends, and she started crying again. She goes, I just wanted you back. And it didn't take my family long to come around. You know? I know it's different in every case. Sometimes it takes a lot of time for this healing to happen, but this healing happened fast. And instead of my family running from me, they come to me, and I go to them, and I help them. You know, my brothers are all in the church, you know. They're kind of big deals in the church. You know what happens now? They get somebody that's in their flock that's having a problem, a husband, a wife, a brother, a sister, a daughter or whatever. They say, call this guy in Dallas. They know an expert now, you know? One of the things, one of the commitments my sponsor made me do was to go back to that treatment center that I ended up, that wind-up treatment center, you know? I kept drinking. I winded up there twice. There's those sleeves again. Sorry. My job wasn't to speak. My Job wasn't to do anything except go there with my big book, maybe a pack of smokes in case some of the guys didn't have any, help them pass out the books and help them collect it at the end, be a part of, introduce myself. I didn't have much, but I got more than those cats in treatment. You know what I'm saying? And like the second or the third weekend, this guy cornered me after the meeting. He'd seen me in treatment before we had been in treatment together and he asked me to take him through the steps. I don't even have a 30-day chip. Cliff, this guy asked me, did you take him to me through the steps? You didn't tell him no, did Jeff, that's your job. You know? I mentioned it this morning. He pretty much locked down my job. My job is to stay close to God, do the work. Today. What do I get? Everything I need. Pretty good deal, right? Pretty good bill for a busted up drunk like me. So I have my big book. I know how to read. That guy had a big book, and I started taking him through the work. And then it comes time for his fifth step. And I'm calling Cliff, and I call Myers, and Cliff said, you know, well shit, you remember what we did, right? I'm like, yeah, well do that. You know, God, am I in? Okay. I was pretty nervous on that. We met at my group, and we met like an hour before the meeting started, so we went back. We didn't see anybody. And I did what we do. And I did my little spiel in the beginning and we had a little prayer to make sure God's with us. And he gets out his paperwork and he's kind of shaken. Big tough guy, you know. And I said, resentments, huh? I said give me the biggest, baddest resentment you got. it wasn't the first one on his list. He had it buried. And I said, give it to me. Who is it against? And he tells me, it's his aunt and uncle. So what would they do to you? He proceeded to tell me. And in my head, I'm thinking, thank you, God. I'm like Sammy Sosa at batting practice. You know, I think I'm just hitting meatballs out of the park because this is classic resentment of men, you know, Our resentment, you know. And so I let him get it all out. And as he's telling me the veins are popping out, this guy is frigging pissed at these people. Well, what did it affect? Oh, and he's on a roll now, man, you Know. By God, these people screwed this cat over. And then I got to show him his part. We have a saying in Texas. That's called reversing the whip. Yeah, he whipped me with it, now I'm reversing the whip and I took every one of those things and showed him his part and I would be damned if the lights didn't come on. It was like I mean, it was visual. It was evil and foreboding spirits and all of a sudden, he got it. And we started going through these other ones and it was just like, holy crap, this is nothing. He got it. We went through all of it. We went though the resentment, the fears, the sex. We went thru all of that stuff. This guy knew his part. It was, he got it and I took him back to that treatment center. He was getting out the next day. We had a tearful reunion or goodbye, you know, I never cried when I was drinking. And I get in my car. It's in the fall, you know, so it's getting dark early. And I Get In My Car. It's kind of drizzly and everything. It's Kind Of Crappy Weather. And I Start To Drive. And I Kid You Not, There Is More Light In My Car Than I Could Stand. I Don't Know Where It Was Coming From, But It Was All Around. It Was Pervasive. It Was All Inspiring. And I Was Balling Like A Little Girl Driving Through Crack Town, You Know? And I'm like, I pulled over and I thought, screw it. I get on my cell phone, call Cliff. You're not going to believe it. There's like, God is everywhere. And it's like this and that and every day. He said, now you're with the big boys. And I got another guy to spawn. You know what I'm saying? I just do what I do. thank god this guy had the decency to tell me the truth and said you know what if you sit on your ass you're going to get drunk and thank god that god gave me the willingness to do whatever he did pretty soon myers has given me a couple pages to read you know jk everybody calls me jk he's like jk now we're gonna do uh you know more about alcoholism tonight i'd like you to read From here on page 33 to the bottom of page 34, I want you to introduce yourself. Give your sobriety date and read the page. You know, I don't want to hear anything else out of your mouth. And I'm up there like, young people maybe in the career, you know what I mean? Oh, it was ugly. It was like fingers on the chalkboard. You just hear alcoholics dying everywhere. It was terrible, terrible. That's my perception. You know, that's my perception. But I became a part of. I had a home group. We meet three times a week and my job was to be there early. My job was To help set up tables if that was necessary or help make coffee or break down and do whatever. Talk to people. My job Was to go out and make these amends. Seek these people out. If I stole 100 bucks from you, I owe you 100 bucks. And what else can I do? I'm here with a sincere desire to set right the wrong What can I do to set Right the wrong I am willing to go to any length My life changed Meanwhile Back at my job that I was supposed to have for two weeks They gave me a raise Right before Christmas They bumped me into management That ain't supposed to happen so i'm with my family the first time i've been sober at christmas and i don't know how many years i got little nephews and nieces running around everywhere my it's a very prolific family you know and i love these little kids especially the little girls i love them i you know i love these kids i'm like babysitting them and holding them and they just love uncle john right and i get a call the day after christmas from this treatment center and it's one of the guys that I'm sponsoring. He's like, I'm done with my fourth step. I said, great. When do you get out? I get out tomorrow. Oof. My mom's standing right there and she's like what's up? I said my guy's done with his fourth step She's like well don't you need to go do a fifth step? I said yeah. She's just like go. I didn't want to leave my family, but my guy showed me he was willing to go to any length and I signed up for the job. I drove, I did a fifth step the day after Christmas and drove back to be with my family. That's good stuff. I spent all these years sitting on the fence. I spentall these years not drinking and going to meetings. I spent all these years sitting in the back thinking of cool stuff to say so you would like me, and I missed the whole deal. I had someone who held me accountable and told me what to do. And, you know, I hear some stuff from people. I don't call my sponsor and tell him about my freaking day. He doesn't want to hear it. I like to think I'm helping him out. He's 80 years old, right? I call and check up on him. Is there anything I can do for you? I'm in the habit of calling him so when something big happens, I get into big time fear or big time resentment, I'm already in the habitat of calling the old man and I can say, hey, I got to talk to you. And I lay it on him and he goes, that's what I'm here for. I don't take my little problems to a group and like air them out for all you to hear. I don't take my little relationship problems to this guy. I got a buddy. I can take my relationship problems to him. He'll say, knock it, baby. Do what you want to do. I don'T do that. I go to my sponsor and until he screws up, I'm going to stick with him. I got A little girlfriend this time. She was in the fellowship. She was rock solid. She was doing great. We started going out and it was the coolest thing. We made a great little couple. About a month or two into it, we were just not on the same path. You know what I'm saying? And I'm not saying one way is better than the other way, but I didn't want to be where she was. And I am thinking, I need to get out of this deal. So I called him up and he says, well, let's do this. So I go and meet her right before the meeting. We sit down and she says, I got something to talk to you about. she reversed the whip. She had gone to her sponsor and she didn't want to drink and she thought she was going to drink and her sponsor said, you need to chill out on the relationship. Same result. I was negative a girlfriend, right? Same result, totally different outlook. For a few days, I go to my meeting, for a couple of weeks actually, I'd go and I'd see her car and it would just kill I'd want to do a drive-by you know I'm like I'm not going because it hurt you know my little ego and my pride hurt but what's my primary purpose my primary purpose is to carry this message and that stuff my stuff was affecting this message so I'd pull in and I would ask God God at least take the hurt away for an hour so I could go do what I need to do. And finally, I couldn't take it very much longer and I called my sponsor and I said, you know, this sucks. This sucks. I don't like this. I hurt. This sucks, I don' t want to be at the group, I don''t want to do this. He said, did you follow my advice? His advice was, don't go too far in the relationship. You know, what are you going to do? You know. You're in love. You know? And I said, well, you know, to tell you the truth, you know, that's when you know I'm lying, right? To tell you the truth. I went a little further than you said. Well, ask God to take it away. humbly get on your knees and tell God thank you for the experience thank you God for the pain and he will take it away when he's ready meanwhile you bought the ticket now you ride the damn ride I didn't like that advice I thought I had him I thought this was going to blow up in his face but I did that in a couple of days It got a little bit better. And then one day, I woke up and it was just gone. It was done. I persevered and relied on faith. You know, see, it's a funny thing about faith. I didn't have any in the beginning. But the more actions that I took, I got a Little More Faith. And when he would suggest something that seemed totally out of whack, that doesn't make sense to what I'm going through, And he suggested, hey, why don't you get your big book and go help some poor sucker? And I'd go kicking and screaming maybe or just at least grumbling. But I'd get off my butt and go do that. Wham! God gives me a little more faith. And the more actions that I take show God that I'm in business. I do not want to drink today. And just because I kicked ass yesterday doesn't mean I'm going to kick ass today. I start fresh every day. I cannot stay sober for very long on the stuff I did in the past. At the bottom of page 128, he talks about the miner. The gaunt prospector. Belt drawn over the last ounce of food. It looks bleak. And the pick strikes gold. And I want to keep it. Right. How friggin arrogant of me would it be to say, thank you, God, I got all this. Thank you. I discovered a cure for cancer and it's for me. I go to the mine every day and the more I mine, the more gold I get and I'm going to continue to get more gold as long as I give it away. That's a cool deal. Peter calls it addition through subtraction. I get empty to get full. I can't do that sitting around talking about my day. Does not work for me. I've tried it. If I could have done it, I would have done it. I can't join the sober basketball team and keep coming back and don't drink and go to meetings. I'll drink. I'm tired of, I was tired of being that person in AA holding onto the table. I am just glad to be sober today, you know? You know? I mean they got like shark eyes. They don't even reflect light, you know? It's just like, that was me all those years. But I got a way out. Who better to learn the way out than somebody who's already been down the hole and knows the way up? So I follow directions. And I thank God every day that he keeps me hungry. I don't ever want to lose what I got. I got that buddy that I told you about he stayed sober. He's got six years. I don't want what he's got. And I'm not here to judge, I'm no here to say well are my ways better or whatever? But we know the truth. I can't expect to live long and happily and free in this world if I'm all about me. But I've done my part. It's not my job to get in between you and your God and your last drink, but I've done my part. I want to ask anybody who's sitting on the fence today I talked to a guy today and it's a beautiful thing because you know I don't tell anybody hey, you've got to go and you've Got to go stand in front of big groups and talk and do all this I'm not telling you to do that I'm just asking you not to sit on the bench on the defense don't just get sober and get 30 60 90 days and make a few amends and think this is all that god can do do not sell god short god is going to keep on doing and it's going to keep getting better regardless of the situation and there's been some crappy times hell i've been to three family funerals since november you know I lost a girlfriend lost a job lost another you know what I'm saying I mean it hasn't been biscuits and gravy the whole time but you know what it's been good and at times it's not it's just it's very very good but I keep it real by doing what I do I stay on the firing line and I get to see bottom of the barrel drunks damn near every day I don't want to lose that I don't want to just bank that if I sit in my meetings long enough, hopefully I'll catch the newcomer as they come in. I'm going to go out there and seek them. Clarence Snyder, right out of DTs, does a third step prayer with Dr. Bob, goes to two Oxford group meetings. They put him on a bus back to Cleveland and said, you know your job, find drunks. I heard Clarence ran into some problems with other things, but I like that guy. Firing drunks. Firing drunk. Because see, you know, I started feeling good about myself and I started thinking that I got all the answers. I started think that maybe I'm God. You know, kind of ease God out and I'm doing all this stuff. That's a dangerous place. See, the ego rises real fast in me. And I get this question all the time. A guy's sitting, beating up in treatment center and said, I ain't got no ego. And I said, oh yeah, you want to hear a story? On Sundays, every Sunday at 6 o'clock, I do this meeting at this other wind-up joint. And I live by downtown Dallas, so I cut through downtown to go to this meeting. And they have a little mission downtown. And there's lots of homeless, lots of crackheads all the time right around there. There's a public library and all this stuff. So I've got to drive by these people all the Time. And as I'm driving down the street on a Sunday afternoon, I can see on the horizon this guy's walking. And you could tell from his demeanor that this guy was beaten down like you would not believe. This guy had no energy. He was living on the street, probably jonesing for another hit, you know, could barely lift up his feet. Right? You know the walk. Dead man walking, you now. He's doing that walk. And as I'm driving slow down the street I can see him. He's getting closer and closer. And I'm just thinking, man, I know that feeling. And as I pull up to the stoplight, he's getting ready to he's going to come across the street and he's about to step in the street. And he looks and he sees my car. Starts walking like this across the stream. Ego. That guy didn't have a friggin job. He don't have an ego. He doesn't have enough of a house. He don'T have a box to live in. He DON'T have an nickel to rub together for some more crack. But he'S going to front me and show me that he'S got his shit together. That is ego, and that will kill me. I got to get empty by getting full. And the only way I know how to do that is to take my little big book and sit down one-on-one and carry this message. You look at page 52 of the bedevilments, and you see how tragic it is, that little outline for a spiritual malady, that feeling of uselessness, full of fear, unhappy, couldn't seem to be of real help to other people. Now you go 30 pages the other direction, Page 83 and 84, and you look at the ninth step promises. Holy crap. 31 pages, and I go from here to here? To die drunk or accept spiritual help. What's your choice to be? I'm going to end here, but I've got to tell you this. My mom has helped me out so much in my life. My mom would always bail me out, right? And her little prayers were answered and I got this big book dumper for a sponsor and I'm doing this and doing that and she sees the transformation right in her eyes and miracles are happening all around with guys that I'm sponsoring. It's just mind-blowing stuff, right. And so I come to visit her. I mean, I'm coming to her house. I mean if my mama tallied up what I owed her and all the countless nights that she didn't know if her baby was going to be dead, alive, whatever. I mean, I owe a lot and I keep paying back every time as much as I can do for that woman. But I'm also taking her through the work. She's not an alcoholic, but every time I go to her house, she's got, well, tell me again about this doctor's opinion stuff. So I got her a big book and we go through the word. She knows the truth about this illness. she can spot a middle of the rotor by the first sentence they say. And I'm not lying. She came to one of my birthdays, I think last year's birthday. She came up there and she met some of the folks. And what's up with this guy? Who's his sponsor? This guy is like talking about his frigging poodle or something. I mean, what is he? You know, she knows the truth, you know. So then I got her hook. So we're driving down to my sister's house. He's got all these little nieces and stuff of mine. And so I'm taking my mom down to see it. So we got a little little three day break or whatever. And I'm like, hey, would you like to hear a CD or something? Like, sure. So I popped in a Chris Raymer CD. and i got a jetta v6 a couple modifications on it and we are hauling ass down the back roads the t-top open you know and chris raymer blaring my mom's got her big book out she's like i got her a peter marinelli one from la hacienda and she's Like every time I come to her house, you know, I need like four copies of Chris Raymer, one of Myers and four Peter Marinelli's because I got I got these lady in church that needs one. And this person, my mom is out carrying the frigging message and she's not an alcoholic. That's good stuff, man. i think for christmas this year i'm buying her a cd burner she tries i gotta set up everything on her computer and i'm no genius at it but you know i think the cd burners may put her over the top but i'm like mom embrace technology you You know, cut me some slack. I'm going broke burning you CDs, you know. I owe a lot to this and I owe a lot of gratitude to God. And I hope every day that I can get off my ass and show God how grateful I am that I have a life today. Because if God was fair, if the streets of Dallas were fair, this room might be empty they might be playing bingo in here or something but there is a God and it's my job to show them my gratitude and I'll do anything for anybody if they're willing to go to any length if they got their own ideas my hat's off to them because I've tried that and I don't want to die that way. Thank you for having me and this has been an awesome, awesome experience for me and I love what you guys are doing here and I'm very, very proud of you and you can see it. You can see the power in your eyes. I mean, I can feel it. Feel the power. you know and it's a great thing and from all indications of the people I talk to there's a lot of your brothers and sisters our brothers and sisters that are out there dying on this island and they're going to need strong sponsorship people to hold them accountable and show them the solution to get the fellowship that they crave and the solution that they crave so that we can go on to their brothers and sisters and do that to them too Thank you for having me.