The Proper Use of the Will to Turn Your Thoughts – Chad P.

Hi, everybody. My name's Chad. I'm an alcoholic. So Julie and I decided to split this one up a little bit, and what we're going to do is I am going to talk a little bit about the mechanics of 10 and 11 and kind of come out of the book a little bit, and then Julie's going to in the five minutes that I leave her I don't know what she's going um so so i love i heard a guy say this is 10 11 and 12 is 90 of the program but you can't tap into the 90 till you do the 10 you know we've got to get we've gotten that the in the third step it talks about um staying close to god and and doing his work and i can't stay close to God until i get close to god and i can't get close to god until i get unblocked and uh and this process of steps one through nine is about getting unblockged and then ten's kind of a continuation of that and it's interesting in this first on page eighty four in this first paragraph on step ten he uses the word continue four times and the way i look at it it's kind of like this like like if i went to shannon and said hey bud i gotta do a tenth step and shannon said okay on what and i said on the first 28 years of my life well what you might say is you know what let's break it down a little bit how about you write some inventory on resentments and fears and conduct and then read it to me and then take that to god in meditation and then go out and make amends for that stuff and that's kind of that's sort of what this is is um is is 10 is a continuation of that process of 4-3-9. It's keeping things clean. And there's a difference in 10 and 11. I love the way I heard Mark say one time that the difference in 10 and 12 is kind of like if you find yourself on the railroad tracks and a train's coming, now's not the time to figure out how you got on the tracks in the first place. A tenth step is a quick thing. Let's get undisturbed as quickly as possible. Let's clean it up as quickly as possible and then sit down with pen and paper tonight when you do your review and we can take a better look at you know how this thing happened in the first place and and i know that in that when i first went through this process um the 10th step was something you do it at night and the 11th step with something you doing the morning you know because the first time i went through the process there wasn't a big book involved and and when you read the steps off the wall it kind of looks like that and really what the 10th step kind of looks like is I just go on live my life and then when I step on somebody's toes they wake me up and then I clean it up and and what when I read it out of the big book it's asking me something first off the tenth step is what I do throughout the day the 11th step is at night and in the morning there they're a separate separate process that work together really well and and And what I want to learn to do is practice the tenth step from a state of wakefulness with an awakened spirit. And what that looks like is learning to watch, which is a whole new concept for someone like me. I am my thoughts. I am feelings. I'm 100% identified with those things. Some of us are different in that aspect. You know, I'm a guy who's identified more with my thoughts, Julie may be identified more with her feelings, but either way that ain't me. That's not real. I'm the one who's experiencing the feelings. I am the one whose experiencing the thoughts. I'am the one who sees this stuff. That is who I really am. And to watch is to tap into a higher level of consciousness. So isn't it crazy? You know how many people out there in the world that think that AA is just about getting sober? You go to one of these things and you're like wow there's a lot more to it than that you know there's a lot of people who say well there's not a lot more to do it than that because what we're really doing here we're tapping into the solution to all problems all problems that humans experience in this world can be solved through this process we're talking about through this spiritual awakening one way or another I'm not saying everybody's got to read the big book and follow the instructions this is just one method I call this the accelerated program you know this is the accelerated program you actually take a bottom of the barrel well, you know, scum of the earth guy like me, not you, like me. And have a spiritual awakening and actually contribute to society through this process. It's a lot more than staying sober. So what am I doing here? I'm watching. I'm watchin' my thought life. I'm watchedin' by emotional state. I'm watchin' my behavior. It gives me some things here to watch for. It says to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. And Charlie would say the four things we watch for and four things that we do. And I like to look at this like I actively watch. I'm trying to actively watch for these things. When I worked at this school, there was one teacher. He bugged me a little bit. I wrote inventory on him a couple times. But anyway, in this kind of school where it's little gangsters and drug dealers, there's a lot going on in the cafeteria in the morning for breakfast. It's big business, right? And some of the teachers have duty stations. Sometimes I'm at the metal detector searching. It was cool. It was an interesting school to work in. But some mornings I'd be in the Cafeteria. What's going on during breakfast? and I remember this guy that I'm referring to when he was on duty in the cafeteria what he would do is he'd have his books laid out on the table and his laptop up and he'd be creating lesson plans for the day but I'm a rule follower I was told to do something different I was called to get up and walk around and engage the kids and when I was thinking about that one time and to me that's the difference in maybe passively watching and actively watching like I'm really watching because you know what something's happened in that cafeteria somebody's passing a pill under the table somebody's likely somebody's going to od that they're calling ambulance for somebody there's somebody that's got beef with somebody else and something's goingto happen later on throughout the day and i'm one more there's somebody's somebodys dad went to jail last night somebody's dad got out of jail last nigh and that was really bad you know or or whatever there's things going on and i m gonna engage these kids and find out see what's going on that's the kind of watching I want to bring you to the tenth step. I want you throughout the day to watch with curiosity what's going on here. Not judgment, with curiosity. What's going one up here right now? Where did this thought come from? Trace it back. What did you think before that? Anybody ever tried that? There are times I go back like two thoughts and I'm like, I have no idea where this came from. This thing's just running. But the crazy thing is if I'm asleep to it, it's running my life. If I'm awake, it's not running my life. I can actually live by God-reliance in principle if I'm away. I love that. I love how Julie said that. I've got to remember. But yeah, if I're not practicing self-examination, this thing is running my wife. This self-driven identification with thoughts. So when these things crop up, not if but when, I get into action. Proper use of the will. well, what do I do? Let's fix the problem. No, that's not what I do. What do I doing? The first thing I do is pray. It's an act of surrender. Prayer is an act to surrender. Next thing I'd do is discuss this with somebody. Let's get transparent. It's and act of humility to really get transparent about what it is that's going on. Let's clean it up. If there's harm done, let's clean up and then we'll turn our thoughts. What a practice that is. Mark would talk about taking one word out of the tenth step and practicing it for six months. Take this word, write it on your hand, put it on a note card, sticky notes, and really try to work with this. This concept of turn is interesting. I've got this in my hand and I don't want it in my hands. Drop it. Hand's empty. We're good to go. That's not how my mind works. If I've Got an intrusive thought in my mind, okay, I'm going to drop this thought. Try that. Let's just do a test. Right now, whatever you do, don't think about the Statue of Liberty. but i can turn the thoughts i can turn my attention elsewhere it takes practice but it is possible and it is something i can get better at if i practice it over time buddhists turn your attention to your breath christians turn your intention to god the big book says turn your thoughts to someone you can help it's very practical right but whatever it is turn it away from the problem As a human being, I have a superpower. In the animal kingdom, we have this prefrontal cortex that's way bigger than any other animal. And there's a special power in there. And that power is if I place my attention on something, I energize it. So here's what that can do for you. If you've got a problem and you want it to get bigger, think about it. it's a special gift I do it all the time I'm going to move on over here on this next page I love page 85 they give us some great promises here on 84 and 85 but on this next page this is kind of the spirit of the tenth step and I'm just going to read a little bit here but it says it talks about how we get these gifts these ten step promises as long as we stay in fit spiritual condition I'm kind of into uh i just ate a piece of cake and now i'm saying this i'm kind of into uh you know fit physical condition right what that means is don't eat the cake yeah but if i want to stay physically fit i have to do things i actually have to be able to do it i have a lot of time to do stuff you know i would love it if i could be spiritually fit you know I'm I'm reading the power of now years ago reading anybody ever read that you know and I read something it's the same I also I love Michael Sam reading the untethered soul and I'm read and it's like such a clear understanding of the problem i'm like i get it man that's me it's exactly and then it's like okay well then what do we do just live in the now okay that's all you got just live into now or with michael sims just let it go there's a whole book letting go let go i'm like i listened to the audio book on a drive from oklahoma back up here uh dawkins richard I don't know, somebody like that. This book, Letting Go. I'm like, how do you let go? You know, where's that part? There are things that we do to stay spiritually fit. And one of the things I love so much about AA is it gives us a clear understanding of the problem. Then it gives uns a solution and it doesn't stop there. Then it give us a program of action on how to get to that solution. That's the beauty of this thing. When those three things came together, it changed the lives of alcoholics for the rest of eternity a program of action so if i want to stay spiritually fit there are things i have to do if i wanna stay physically fit i gotta get enough sleep shannon i gotta eat right i gotta keep the toxins out of my body i gotta exercise drink plenty of water right if i'm gonna stay spiritually it doesn't just mean feel good My level of spiritual fitness doesn't necessarily mean that I just feel good. Sometimes when I feel good, you know why it is? It's because my arrangements are staying put. Things are going my way. I can tell you all about God when everything's going the way Chad wants it to go. Being spiritually fit in my experience is much more related to what I've been doing and how awake I am based on that. They often are correlated, how I feel and how spiritually fit I am. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, but it's not always. So what do I have to do to stay spiritually fit? Write the inventory. Make the amends. Help people. Pray and meditate. You know, do the things we do here. It says it's easy to let up on the spiritual. Finally, something's easy. It's easyto let up. It's easier to letup and rest on what we already did. And the longer you stay sober, the more gifts of sobriety we experience, the easier that gets. We're headed for trouble if we do. Alcohol is a subtle foe. it sneaks up on us we're not cured what we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition welcome to steps 10 and 11 let's maintain this spiritual condition this spiritual awakening that has happened through this process of actually getting honest with somebody getting honest với ourselves and starting to go out and clean up the past. And here's the spirit, here's the spirit of this. Every day is a day we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. How can I best serve Thee? Thy will not mine be done. These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our willpower along this line all we wish. It's the proper use of the will. I could spend a lifetime dissecting that half of a paragraph trying to learn how to live by that. This word constantly always bugs me because it means like all the time. All the time? I'd prefer to run a quick sprint and then relax for a while. It's interesting, it says what thoughts must go with me constantly? How can I best serve God? God's will not mine be done. A couple pages later it says we constantly remind ourselves we're no longer running the show. Let's add a constantly in here. We'll turn all the way back to I believe page 20. Our very lives as ex-problem drinkers depends upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs. So how about this for constantly? I'm not running the Show. How can I best serve God and how can I help others meet their need? Live by that, and I don't care what your circumstances are, you'll have a happy life. And the goal of all these mechanics that sometimes people don't want to hear about is to be able to live that way as best I can. And I can promise you the times in my life, the whole 15 total minutes of it, the times of my life when I've lived that kind of constantly have been the most freeing times of our lives to try to live by that. And then it goes on to talk about some really strange concepts here. It mentions things like thought life, like enter the world of spirit, like developing God conscious this sixth sense this vital sixth sense you know vital means necessary for life that means it's necessary as an alcoholic for me to live I've got to develop a sixth sense well it's not actually number six it's just saying all this is saying is to be able to sense this other world this world of the Spirit to beable to sense it And I had an experience a couple of summers ago that came on me really, really quickly. We were at this meditation retreat and we're doing this walking meditation and I had this experience with it and there were like 1,900 people at this retreat and I am a very judgmental alcoholic. I know it's just me. and the interesting thing is these two things go hand in hand I judge myself harshly and I judge you harshly I can't have one without the other I beat the crap out of myself and then in my mind I beat you up too and I just can't believe how self-centered you all are right Julie? absolutely yeah I know we're here that's why I laugh at you so much I so understand. Oh my God, it's just rough. And at this retreat I had this experience in this meditation and I'm kind of crying but let me just tell you what I experienced. The best way I can describe it is this way. My heart opened. I'm not an open heart kind of guy. It doesn't happen that much for me. I remember it happening when I was falling in love with Julie in the beginning. We were talking on the phone until 2 o'clock in the morning and I was getting up at 5 so I could make it to the gym before work and I wasn't tired. The heart was open, right? It was such a beautiful experience. Of course, I'm depending on her to keep it open, so that's where the trouble comes in, right ? But what a true spiritual experience is the heart's just open. There's no reason. It's just opened. I experienced love, not from someone, not for someone. I just experienced love. The heart must be open to experience love. I experienced a sense of gratitude for nothing. I didn't make a gratitude list I just felt grateful I experienced wholeness I'd read about wholenesse didn't really know what it meant until then and what I experienced was that I didn' t need anything I had everything that I needed there was nothing else I needed in that moment if I can live there there's no self-will because everything is fine I don't need to change anything and I knew when I had that experience I knew that it wasn't going to last and then my next thought that followed that is the reason I said judgment is because I was walking around for the next few days with 1900 people that go to meditation retreats are weird and I'm one of them and I am walking around surrounded by all these other people and Iam not judging anyone that is so freeing Don't worry, it's back. The next thought that I had was, okay, I'm going to do whatever I have to do to get free of whatever it is that keeps me from being like this all the time. And that's what this practice is. And I remember my first sponsor, he was catching a lot of heat because it's this guy that moved from Las Vegas to Oklahoma City and he's telling people and they're not wanting to hear what he has to say. And I Remember he said to me He was catching some heat for taking this so seriously. And he said to me one time, he said, Chad, I take my recovery very seriously. That doesn't sound very spiritual to me. It doesn't seem like much fun. But then he said the reason I take my recovery so seriously is so I don't have to take my life so seriously." And that is a beautiful statement for a guy like me. My default setting is this is serious. And I don' t want to live that way. back here on page 62 it says i'm a victim of the delusion i can rest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if i manage well this world is the physical material world if I manage this world you all you you everybody in this world and all the start if I mange all this well if I managed my body well if i managed my all the everything of the physical if I manage this well, then I'll be okay. That's a delusion. But here we're talking about the world of spirit. That's different. It's something new for me. There are different laws that govern this world of the Spirit. Common sense would thus become uncommon sense. Or the other way around. I don't know. I get it backwards. Whatever. so through this process we develop this ability to sense this, we begin to be inspired we can sense this energetic body that rules this physical body then we move on into step 11 and this practice I love how he says we can make some definite valuable suggestions, I need those I don't know what I'm doing here did anybody come into AA good at meditation? You ever get the response like I don't meditate. I'm not good at it. Of course you're not good at it! Nobody comes in here good at meditation. You know, we've got a crazy mind. That's why I drink. It's one of the reasons why. Yeah, so, this takes practice. I need a set of instructions to proper attitude and work at it You can just imagine if I've never played golf and it's like, okay, I'm going to learn to play golf. That sucked. I'm no longer doing that anymore. That doesn't work. I've got to get out there and have a good, okay, I'm gonna learn this. I'mma work hard at it I'm going to try and stay with it. And I believe we get better at it. I believe if we get besser at this practice, and what happens is I get better at this process, and I get faster at this practice, then like my first sponsor said, I can take my life less seriously. The definition of meditate in the old dictionary has, and this is interesting to me, it says one definition is to contemplate or ponder. Another one is to intend or plan. The third one is to dwell in thought or reflect. There's a synonym to consider. Now I'm gonna be coming back to that because it tells me different types of prayer and meditation. I sponsored a guy in a monastery and he prays two hours every night. And I said, what do you do for two hours of prayer every night? When he told me what he does, I was like, that sounds a lot like meditation. And I hear it said sometimes that prayer is talking to God and meditation is listening. I think that oversimplifies it. I think there's all different forms of it laid out right here on these two pages. And I'm going to run through them just real quick here. One is a reflection. That's what we do at night. We reflect, what blocked me from this power today? Then I'm going to ask for corrective measures. That's ask and listen. You could call that all kinds of things. It's another form of prayer and meditation to ask and to listen. They were real big on this in early AA. On awakening, I consider my plans for the day instead of intention. That's another forms of prayer meditation. Actually, in the dictionary from my old home group, when we looked up the word meditate, one of the examples used in a sentence said the general meditates the day's battle. That's pretty cool, right? That's a form of meditation to consider my plans for the day. What I do now, I used to say God direct my thinking, divorce it from self-pity, dishonest, or self-seeking motives. And over time that prayer changed in many different ways. Today it's a chakra clearing meditation. This old country boy does a chakra cleaning meditation before I plan the day. You know, it's kind of cool. So I want to get as clear as I can and then start looking at my plans for the day Two things come up when I'm planning the day The first one that's listed here is indecision I don't know what to do It tells me exactly what to doing I ask God for intuitive thought or inspiration Relax and take it easy Don't struggle Learn to listen Relax Know that God's there Know that I'm going to get some help through this process. The next thing that comes up are potential problems. I'm gonna be picking up the kid from the ex-wife today. I'm gunna have a meeting at work, business meeting at the home group tonight. I know what's coming. Let's pray. What do I need so I can show up well in those situations? And then it goes on to talk here about adding in additional things. The 11th step in AA is a complete process. It's so cool because it's a complete process. But it also, at the same time, just opens the door for all kinds of spiritual practice. I came in here... I'm not one of those guys that had like a resentment against God because I grew up in the church. I came here with the idea that all spiritual stuff was stupid. I don't care if it's the Great Spirit or if it is meditation or what, I just thought it was all so silly because I'm a neck up kind of guy and if you get what I'm saying, Santa Claus and God right on the same level and by the way, my mom told me not too long ago that I never believed in Santa Claus because it wasn't very logical I was like the whole chimney thing, there's no way Come on. And there's a whole timing issue here. It's not going to... And there are time zones. You know, I mean, please. It's silly. Nobody lives at the North Pole. I have gone on so much adventure in spiritual practice in the last 22 years. You know? Julie and I have been sweat lodged. We've sat in a circle in a kirtan chanting Hare Krishna I've been to Bible studies, meditation classes. Been to two years of group therapy. Who saw that one coming? And so many of those things, if I do those things in addition to this process, it's a beautiful spiritual experience. We get in a little trouble though when we do those thing instead of. That's a slippery slope for an alcoholic. But when I do these things and I do the things in addiction to this, it opens the door what I like to call the greatest adventure of all, and that's that adventure of spiritual practice and spiritual growth. So it's all yours, Jay. Thank you. Wow, that's got to go way down. No, a little bit higher. No, it's 5'4", not 5'2". Unbelievable. How's that? That's good. Thank you, Julie. I'm an alcoholic. Thank you so much. Hi, guys. If you're still here, you're the real deal. You're still here listening to this. I think it's worth noting, I don't think we've mentioned it today yet, but has anyone noticed that Shannon and I have the same shirt on? It does say Zen Bitch Slap. We had a magical weekend together a couple weeks ago in Vettner with Paul Hederman and Shannon and Nicoletta have opened a new world for me in my sobriety and I think that the connection that we have is it's really really meaningful to me and it's brought me to the next level there was a time not long ago when I I wouldn't have gotten up here and not talked about the mechanics of the work because I felt deeply that it was my responsibility to lay out to you how we work these steps and I still feel that way and the reason I thought that was because I had never followed a direction in my entire life until I was 30 years old and I'm not kidding I started at the end of things and tried to work but I couldn't follow a recipe I could nothing following the directions of anything was inconceivable to me that's not how I roll I do things my way I don't even consider it so when I discovered this program of action and it was laid out for me and I actually followed the directions not what I thought or how I felt and I had an experience with this God that I didn't believe in my world was revolutionized and what I was told was that you get to keep this if you if you carry this message immediately not at two years sober not when I'm ready there's no I'm ready you know I'm Ready today so I thought that really important but Chad did it really great job of that those are the mechanics that's actually how to do it that's it right but what happens is from that we open a door there's There's a meditation teacher that I love, and he says there's a door. Feel your connection to it. The veil, we have a filter that doesn't always allow us to see. The veil is thin, guys. There's the world of the spirit. It's right there. Those divine coincidences, it's unbelievable. and I can't, I stand up here today and I just, I can not believe it that I stand here and talk about God and the experiences I have had and I want to tell a story and when I really I was inspired by what Shannon said about 10 and 11 being a byproduct of 9 so I want talk about that and take us out of steps 10 and11 with this story I hope my voice holds up the vessel is laughing I want to start off by saying one of the gifts of this program today is that I have an unbelievable relationship with my dad. I wantto tell you about my relationship withmy dad. I am free from all resentment. I've experienced radical forgiveness for deep hurts and traumas. I feel connected to him all the time, and he has found a way to get free of his suffering. And I walk in that, and that's a gift of the 11th step because of the rest of the work, and I'm going to talk about that. And the only catch to that is he's dead. But I got to experience that state for the last two days of his life, and I experience it today. And I get the relationship with him today that I always wanted. That's all I ever wanted was to experience a connection with him my whole life. it's it manifested in every area and that's not why I'm alcoholic I have two sisters they're not alcoholic we were all raised by the same father I'm outnumbered by non-alcoholics right but it had a tremendous impact on me and I chased it for my life and I'm free of that today and here's why and before I go into why the other night I was um I was watching the sunset with my niece my little i have a six-year-old guru too and um we were watching the sunset we were having these deep conversations she's so cool we just talk about the coolest stuff and we were talking about the sunset and she said um you know god god and pop-up are working together now my niece isn't religious there's no god there'sno church there's notalkaboutgodinthehouse there's none she said you know God and pop up or what working together and I said really And she said, yeah. And I said, what do you mean? She said, that's how the sun set. They worked together to make that sun set and I said really? I said how do you know that? And she says well I saw them as matter of fact as could be. I know this child. Her and I get to have we're having the same experience but the thing is she's so close to source as a child, right? I look at her eye, you know and I go into the well of, she's so close to source. And my work to get to a place like that is to become unblocked by self so the veil can be lifted and I can experience something of God. When we were at that meditation retreat where Chad was walking around feeling free of judgment around 1,900 people, we were there together and when I was there, I knew intuitively that I was preparing for battle. and I had my life had just started to turn I was coming out of that vicious spell of untreated alcoholism I'd made a couple of amends that I thought I could never make never get up here and share this horrific story I did some bad things in AA I mean um some serious some bad things um I hurt some people and so I was come out on the other side of that and I wasn't all the way there but the experience was happening and I was and I felt something starting to move and we're at this retreat, and I know I'm preparing for battle. I can't explain it. I just know, and we get back, and he goes to Oklahoma for a couple months to spend with his family, and I'm with my mom, and my dad is dying, and so I'm getting up every morning long before everybody else, and I am going into my morning step 11. I am doing what I do. I am dropping into the body. I am some energy work. I am really serious about it because this is a really big deal. I'm seeking that conscious contact, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out. I don't have the power to walk my father home. It's too hard. Not on my own power. But what happened is I would lead those meditations and I would walk in with my head held high and my mom's a wreck and she's drinking and everyone's hysterical, my sister, and no one can cope. And I'm in charge of the morphine, of course. I was that my whole life was leading to this role and I'm like I got this I got it there's going to be no more suffering in this house right we're doing this everyone's like don't get into I'm like it's we're dealing with this now you know he's screaming in pain it was not a good scene guys it was Not a scene that I'm capable of going through right and so we're doing this and then I I very organically make amends to him I made amends to him when I first got sober and it was mechanical I'm well trained AA I've followed all these I know these instructions and I did it and I didn't when I felt nothing with the promise and the faith that experiences were coming that's what I was taught and that's why I did in AA and there's been years in AA where I feel emptiness around these mechanics and then one day there's a shift I have come to believe that that is always what's coming and that my thoughts and feelings are no judge of anything and so I sit with him and I don't know I'm just unmoved I realize that it's time and I sit down and I say um I start off by saying dad when we went to um Big Bend Texas together that was the best thing I've ever done and he moaned and he said oh yeah and I want to I don't know if I mentioned this but my I think I alluded to it but my relationship with my father was deeply fractured and I don'T want to get up here and say a lot about him but he he was incapable of um a lot of things and love and it was it was dark so I opened the conversation with that and he couldn't talk very much. He just kind of moaned and then I went into this conversation and there was a connection and there were a lot of people and there's a radical shift from the bottom up. I have no words to explain it, right? I've made many amends and I laid my head on his chest for a minute and my father and I didn't do physical contact. So that was an unusual event. I would have felt deeply violated by that type of physical contact with him before but something dissolved I can't explain it and then that night my aunt is in the kitchen and everyone's neurotic and hysterical and I'm listening to her talk to my mom and she's crying and she says my dad, her brother he was abused growing up our father was cruel to him this was not new information and this is after the amends but in that moment something started to shift in me and i realized that the other was perhaps spiritually sick just like ourselves this i was look i'm an inventory warrior i know i can i can lay out all the old ideas i'm at the third column i i the the i'm real i really know how to go deep into the inventory process because i've needed to to stay sober. There's just been a lot more layers for me always, and I have to keep going deeper and deeper, and that's what I've done. But I've never actually had the lived experience of that line the way I did then, and it came after the amends. It came after that conversation with him. And I told my sisters that I had had that experience, and they went and made amends to him. They cleaned things up with him. They're not in the program, but they had a goodbye conversation with him and then um my sister's ex-husband they were in the middle of a terrible divorce he he came over and did the same and um and then uh the next couple days you know I just walked him home and I put on music and we listened to our favorite songs and it was Bob Dylan and Tom Petty and all this music he's raised me on and he was barely conscious but guys he started he started playing the instruments with his mouth I can't even it was it was not of this world it was the most bizarre and amazing and my mom who's not spiritual she's like what's going on here you know and then um he would say I mean the whole thing and he was laying there and um and then in the end he had his arms up like this they were like in the shape of wings and he just kept putting them back there i don't know why and when he died um i had i was holding his hand we were listening to learning to fly but tom petty was his favorite song and then he was gone he was god and our relate and i had gotten to experience there was victory in the end i experienced tremendous victory of perfect peace with that man the last couple days and every moment since that is the gift of the 11th step that is not something i'm capable of on my own that is non-sense i'm a skeptic i'm like yeah you have a perfect relationship he's dead you know that's fantasy stuff right let's make believe land but here's what i i recognize about god today and i talked about it in the in the second step and i think i i don't know if i finished my story about but I'm what I know about myself is when I become too interested to invested in the ultimate truth about the universe I'm straying into a little bit of trouble right and I have to keep the humility to know that um that that information might not be accessible to me and the thing is when When I work this program, I don't care if it's the placebo effect. People always blow off the... They're like, oh, it's just a placebo effect? You believed something into existence and it became real. That is the most magical... Does it get more mystical than that? We are so powerful. I don''t think we're taught that we're powerful. I think we're raised to be small, and no one did it on purpose. They were raised to small. Play small. Get your little job, stay in a little job. Don't ever not have health benefits. You don't know anything about your own body. Always take it to a doctor. I go to doctors, I'm not saying, but you know what I mean? Keep it, keep it. We are infinite. The mind can only think in linear, so it gets confused, right? And it perceives reality in a way that's, when we're trapped in that construct, that's painful. And the narratives is, you know, it could be like a Wednesday, you know I wake up and it's like, you don't have any kids, you're gonna die alone, who's gonna take care of you? Nobody. No one's gonna say, what are you gonna do, you gonna get stuck in a nursing home? No, you're going to kill yourself before you go in there. And no one's going to be able to stop you, you know? And then the next thought will be, well at least I didn't have kids just for them to take care of me when I got older. Like some other, Like now I'm a martyr? Like that's not why I didn't have kids. It didn't work out, but I'll twist anything. This is what I'm up against guys every day, right? These kind of, and it's like whoa, whoa, you know? And they feel so real. My body responds. When I tap into this 11th step, I wake up to the truth. The veil is lifted. It's unbelievable. I have to keep doing it to keep getting that, but I'm telling you guys, this stuff is actually unlimited. There's so much more on the other side if you keep going. Thank you guys so much. It's been a great day. All right, we'll go on a break and we'll reconvene at 415 and wrap up the day.