The Magic Moment That Made Drinking Work Every Second – Sean A.

Hi, my name is Sean and I'm an alcoholic. And that's the end of the facts. All the rest of this stuff is my opinion and I am not a spokesman for Alcoholics Anonymous and I not an expert on alcoholism. But I got some opinions. I want to thank the committee for asking me to be here. It's been a long time. We've been trying to do this for a while. and it hasn't been possible but this is a very, very special place. You probably already know that but there are pockets of enthusiasm in North America where there's a history and a tradition of strong sponsorship and enthusiastic participation in the fellowship and that seems to be going on here And it is really exciting to see it. You know, we absolutely, you know, insist on having fun. I mean, that's one of the things that the big book talks about. And I've noticed a lot of people having a hell of a good time here, including me. And, you never know when you're carrying the message to the alcoholic who still suffers and you don't know who that alcoholic is a lot times. And sometimes it may be the main speaker with 22 years of sobriety. Because I've been doing a lot stuff lately. I've been working real hard hours, 18-hour days and stuff. I've started a new business, and the new business has got several aspects to it. And there's a lot going on in my life. And what's happened with that stuff is I've been having a hard time getting to meetings. And when that happens to me, I start feeling that the disease of alcoholism just never quits. It is cunning, baffling, powerful, and patient. I mean, it just sits and waits, man. And I can feel it breathing on my neck because it's been tough. It's been really a tough, stressful time for me for the last six, eight months. And the problem with it, I'm working real hard to keep a balance in my life, and I know how to work a program. I've been working it for a very long time. And I got a terrific sponsor, and I'm active in the fellowship, and i sponsor guys but i feel that that thing of of of i'm being pulled back from it somehow and uh and i was really looking forward to coming here and uh you you've you've really uh you've Really pulled me in um your enthusiasm and your kindness and and has pulled me back in it's i i've gotten to go to some meetings i've heard some wonderful speakers this weekend uh you have carried the message to to this drunk in a in a really extraordinary way and i'm very very grateful to you i uh you know um a drink is the end of a slip and the slip starts the slip is like a long arcing dive you know that ends up in a drink and the flip starts when other things start crowding into the first priority on your life on my life and the first priority in my life is my sobriety because it is the absolute foundation of my life without my sobrietty i have nothing without my sobriety i destroy my life again but when the pressures of life start pushing in on that and it starts changing and i start making compromises in that i can feel myself bouncing on the diving board man and i've been doing that and really really scares me it really scares me. And what I need to do is I need to back off the diving board and climb back down the ladder. And you've really been helping me do that this week, and I'm very, very grateful to you. I come from a normal alcoholic home. My father was a drunk, my mother was a saint, you know. You know, I was raised an Irish Catholic as opposed to a Roman Catholic and I went through all that stuff you know and you know I was an altar boy and a choir boy and and and uh you know found the sacramental wine you know yeah yeah you know the whole the whole thing I mean I just did it but there was something there's always been something real weird about me I mean there's just I know I you know i just i i i just never fit anywhere I just You know, you guys got the instructions on something that I missed. I mean, I just never fit. And I've been checking out of life for a long, long time. I mean I was finding ways to get away from you because I can't. I don't know about you but I can get two sentences into a conversation and then I'm up. Hi, my name is Sean. How are you? And then I don' t know what to do. You know? I don''t know what. I'd never known about chitter-chatter or small talk or anything, you know? I don't know how to do that kind of stuff. I've never been able to do the same thing. So the first escape I found was books. I learned to read when I was two or three years old and I retreated into corners with magazines and books. And they were wonderful because I could just go places through them. I could be anywhere I wanted to be depending on what I was reading and that was terrific for me. and my house was chaos. I mean, it was just insane and I thought it wasn't. You know, we were one of those families as a family we could get together and perform, you know, parapsychology. You know? With the force of our minds we could make the police car that had just delivered my father home invisible to the neighbors. You know just... You know. They didn't see that. right you know so it was just not I mean you know and and you know the the ground kept shifting I'm in the rules suddenly weren't the rules anymore and and you know one of them was yelling and one of them was crying and they were screaming you know in and everybody was getting blitzed out of their skulls you know when I had this I'm Scotch Irish you know I mean yeah so I like to drink a lot but I don't like to pay for it yeah You know, and my father was this sensitive, quiet man who was, you know, he mumbled a lot. He would run around the house going, Goddamn kids. That's the only clear thing he ever said was goddamn kids. But he'd have a couple of drinks and he would light up. He would be the life of the party. He had a gorgeous singing voice. He would sing and people would cry. I mean, it was amazing. He made this incredible transformation and I stashed that material. You know, I said, wow, look, he turns into another human being. Man, that's terrific. So when I was 14 years old and puberty hit and I had to grow up and change, which we all have to do at 14, you know, that is what it is about. You suddenly have to growup. Well, I don't know about you, but puberty looked like a real drag to me so I skipped it you know I'm now living through it but I uh but it looked painful I mean how do you grow you know I was real uncomfortable until I found southern comfort and then I then you know and then I was 14 years ago I blasted out of my skull the first time I drank I mean I you know I never crept up on it. You know, the first night I drank, I blacked out, threw up, and I could hardly wait to do it again because something happened. I changed. It was terrific, and I knew that any troubles that I had, I'd just have to have a little of that stuff and I'd be okay. When I was 17 years old, I started taking drugs. By the time I was 18 years old I declared myself an alcoholic and I didn't know that I'd done it. But I said the phrase that only an alcoholic says. And there are a lot of young people here. God, a lot of you. It's terrific. And if some of you are sitting here and you're not sure that you belong here, let me give you a little test. If you've ever said this phrase, you're an alcoholic. If you're ever heard anybody say it, you were listening to an alcoholic and the phrase is, I can control my drinking. Non-alcoholics never deal with that kind of concept. If they make a fool of themselves whilst drinking, they stop drinking. Now I find that bizarre. But I was 18 years old, I'd been drinking for four years, I'd be taking drugs for a year and I was in trouble with the chemicals but the idea of living without them was terrifying. That's alcoholism. So I started on the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. We heard it talked about here. To control and enjoy my drinking. Now, I don't know about you, but I never got control and enjoy in the same room at the same time ever. Ever! And God knows I tried. You know? But when I was controlling my drinking, I was miserable. I think one of the most ghastly tortures you can lay on anybody is the idea of, oh, you're having trouble with your drinking? Well, why don't you just have two drinks a night? I mean, I think that's horrible. My first response to, why don't you have two drinks a night, is how big are the glasses? So when I was controlling my drinking, I felt deprived. I mean, I was miserable. The only way that I drink is out of control. I mean when I'm enjoying my drinking... The only thing that I can do is... The only day I really enjoy my drinking is start naked howling at the moon. you know. That's the kind of drunk I am, man. I mean, let's have a little drinky poo and destroy some lives, you know? Let's do it! You know? So I never got control and enjoy together I mean it all just kind of went too far too fast oh god by the time I was 20 years old I was drinking every day I was a blackout drinker I really liked that you know I blackout thank God for blackouts because I did a lot of sleazy stuff you know and I'm really glad I don't remember a lot of it the only the only trouble is is with sobriety you know the longer you're sober kind And it's almost like, it's like this, I've got like this lagoon inside me that stuff keeps bubbling up, you know. Oh man. We'll be driving down the freeway, you don't know, go. And my wife will say, remembering something dear? I love Kelly talk my life is graced by a member of Al-Anon and I mean she is she is one of the most fabulous women that she is the most fabulous woman in the world as far as I'm concerned you know a member of Al Anon is not somebody who's merely married to a drunk a member of Al anon is somebody who attends Al-anon meetings and works the steps and applies the traditions in their lives and sponsors people and is active in Al-Anon service and my wife is and I'm very, very glad. I love that program. I love Al-Alanon so much that I don't go to Al-Al-Anan meetings. I mean, I think that Al-Allanons need a safe place from drunks like me. You know, I just get in there and make everybody crazy. I just... I just love Al. You know it's interesting when you listen to the Al-Anon speaker so many of the alcoholics say identify, oh I should be an Al-A-Non well of course you identify we've got the same problems basically but see it's the solutions that are so different when faced with a problem an alcoholic heads for the hills when an Al Anon is faced with a problema she grabs it by the throat and wrestles it to the ground Anyway, I was 21 years old and decided I had a talent the world couldn't live without so I went to New York to become an actor and I did. I did a lot of Broadway shows and I had lots of fun. And by the time I was in my mid-twenties I was drinking a quart of scotch a day and I picked up a little non-habit forming marijuana habit And I was working the docks, not the ones where the ships come in. I love doctors. I mean, I really think it's silly to buy drugs in alleys. You can get arrested for that kind of stuff. What I prefer to do is read medical books and memorize symptoms for the kind of drugs that I want. And I always had three of them, and they're such jerks. I mean, the best drug dealers in the world because they're such idiots. They're so arrogant, and none of them can end a visit without writing a prescription. I mean they don't know how to say goodbye. It's terrific. The only way they can get you out of your office is write something. So I gave him something to write. then we meet for drinks and swap our pills I got a red one, you got an orange one I wonder what that one's like the one thing you don't want to tell a doctor is you're an alcoholic it just annoys the hell out of them they'd much rather you be anything else they want you to be anything because if you're alcoholic they have to send you here and nothing they can do about you So I always told them I was all kinds of things. Boy, I've got quite a sheet. Anyway, so I'm in my mid-20s and I'm in trouble. I mean, I'm real trouble. My life is a nightmare. And on one hand, it's everything that they're writing books about. I mean I'm roaring around New York in limousines. I'm going to all the right parties. I'm balling all the people. I mean on Broadway. I'm this big hot model. I mean it's just wild. You know, and on the other hand, I'm coming to in places that are just unbelievable. You know those hot August mornings with a wine hangover when you come to and you're lying next to it and you don't know who it is or what it is or what you've done with it or what's your promise to it and you don't know whether it's place or your place and you've got to get out of there without waking it up. You know, you gather up your clothes and you get into the bathroom and you look in the mirror and there's that waste of skin with the bloodshot eyes looking at you. And you look at that face and you say, you're not going to be angry about this. You're not gonna be embarrassed about this You're not going to be anything about this. You're just going to get on with your goddamn life. And one morning you come to and it's awake. And it's looking at you. And you look into its eyes and you realize you've become its it. And if you're anything like me, you start making moves, you know, you start doing stuff, you start reading literature, you started going to psychiatrists and psychologists and you start going to gurus and eating different and exercising and getting new friends and moving and getting another wardrobe a different car something man just something you know. And then somebody says don't you drink you say, get off my case, man. Just back off. And one of the solutions was what I needed was a good woman and I found her in an elevator. We were both going to do a show. She was in a show, she was this cute little blonde with dimples and she was a dancer in the show. She's the cutest thing I've ever seen. And she still is. And, uh, and you know, we did that lock that I lock and I thought oh my god you know if I get her get involved with that one I'll never get uninvolved I mean you know it was that Al-Anon eye lock I mean when they it's like a laser you know boom you know I mean it's it's that horrifying moment when a when an untreated Allen on recognizes potential. She just thought I was perfect with a little work. So we started our dance of death, you know? Our friends called us the Campbell Soup Kids. They said we were the cutest couple in the world. We had this little apartment and we were in the theater, and we were going to parties, and she's adorable. Well, you know, pre-Alanons are never really adorable. I mean, they get kind of mean, you Know, living with people like me, you know, when there's no money, you Know, when There's no Money for food, and I spend $400 on a sports jacket, you Know, they Get upset about stuff like that. They don't understand style, you and I had become an apologizer I'm a world class apologizer we were talking about this this afternoon if there was an Olympic event for apologizing I'd get the gold medal I'd be the guy that steals money from you and then comes and apologizes for it and manages to get another 20 bucks out of you you know i can apologize i'm fabulous at apologizing i'm just terrific and uh um so we uh we we moved out to california it was a geographic it was called the national tour of a of a show and uh and we decided to get married and so we got married and she settled down now um now now drunk so merry teetotalers i didn't know anybody who didn't drink i certainly wasn't going to marry anybody who Didn't Drink She Drank It Was Great We Used To You Know We party we'd had a great time and a little while after we got married she had a i'll never forget it we were having our cocktails you know cocktails with an ellen on oh god uh she she'd have a couple of sips of hers and i'd say oh oh my god i'm finished well you can't drink alone you know let me pour another one yeah oh you're not going to finish yours oh okay well so one day she she was drinking her cocktails and she put it she said this is boring she put it down she never drank again she never went through withdrawal nothing it didn't affect her life at all she just didn't drink anymore and then she noticed that i drank and then all hell broke loose you know just you know then it just started then the the insanity of an alcoholic marriage you know that whole dance of death and for some reason because we both come from alcoholic homes we both knew the dance we both new how it works you know where yet you know that I'm not a physically violent alcoholic I'm an emotionally violent alcoholic I have a shark infested mouth and so I did a lot of damage with it you know and and and so what you do we'd have these we'd have these fights then and you get right to the edge where you're gonna say the thing that'll blow it to pieces you know any hint at saying it and then you back off you know and then she comes at you and she said you know you know she's gonna say the thing they don't destroy you and she's about to say then she backs off you oh god they went on and on you know those awful things, you know. And then we'd make up. Well, you Know, when you're making up, you have a glass of wine, you know. So I'd have a couple of blasts because I was upset and we'd make up and, of course, I was in a blackout so I didn't remember it. And we'd have these, what we call the dawn patrols where we talk all night. And to this day, I don't remember any of them, but we solved a lot of problems, I understand. But it just got worse. It just got worst and worse and worse, you know. And I was a functioning alcoholic. like I had a wife who worked you know I was uh I was an artist you know a creative being and I was pursuing my dream while she was you know working her can off trying to keep everything together and uh and she was she would lie about her qualifications and she would get fired a lot and she Would come home and I would look for jobs for her and then she would I mean it's just nuts It was just, you know, and then there's those days, you know, when you come to. One of the great gifts of Alcoholics Anonymous is I now wake up. I used to come to, you know, there's a distinct difference, you know? It's not that sharp intake of breath as soon as your eyes open, you know, that kind of coming to, You come to, and you stumble to the john. And you pee or you puke. It doesn't matter which is first. Just whatever. And you look in the mirror at that face, that thing, and it's all there. Whatever you did is all there, and I don't know, I'd get in the shower and boil myself for half an hour. You can always tell a drunk's bathroom because the paint's peeling off the ceiling. If the water's hot enough and it lasts long enough, maybe it'll wash away some of that crud that you can't get off you, man. I couldn't get it off me. No matter what I scrubbed with, I couldn'T get it OFF of me. And I'd shave, you know, that real shaky shave. Stiptic pencils. Thank God for stiptic pensils. I'd come out of the bathroom looking like another botched suicide attempt. Get dressed and go to the refrigerator, and the refrigerator always had orange juice and a bottle of vodka, and you can't get anything down. And I'd get a little orange juice in and some of the aspirin, the aspirine in the morning, and get to work. Just get to working, hope to God the phone didn't ring, and try and get enough coffee in me to get it started again. And the guys would say, we're going out to lunch. And you'd go out to launch and have to eat something that's a little bland because it may not stay down. And they'd say, would you like a beer? And you say, oh no, no, I never drink, not during the day. Because I knew that if I had a drink, I'd be gone. It would be over. I'd get drunk all afternoon and I would get through it because I'd made up a couple of rules for myself by then. I never drank before 5 o'clock in the afternoon except on Sundays and holidays. And I always drank from a glass. That was important because my father was a drunk and he used to drink out of wine bottles wrapped in brown paper bags, so I poured it in the glass. And I would struggle through the day. I mean, just that kind of sweat that just sits on you. And it's got a kind of acid-y smell to it. People would say, hmm, something wrong with the plumbing around here. Or I'd have on far too much cologne. Hmm, what a weird... And get home at five. Quit at five o'clock and get home and say, you know, honey, I had a great day. Pour me a glass of wine. Honey, I have a really lousy day. Pour me another glass of water. Pour me again a glass of wine, honey. Nothing much happened today. Pour me a glass of wine because it had stopped being a luxury. It was now a necessity. It was medicinal. It was the only thing that was keeping me from going crazy. I knew that if I didn't have something to cushion me from the reality of my lousie life that I was going to blow up. That I was going to go crazy. They'd find me sitting on a park bench somewhere smiling into the sun and they'd take me someplace, and they never bring me back. And it kept me glued together, man. And I would have that first glass of whatever it was, that first, that medicine, you know, that one you just blast back, and it hits, and then you get to go, maybe I'll have a drink. Nah. Ah, no. Oh, well, what the hell? You know? And then I'd have it, and whatever the pill was or whatever the joint was or whatever The Combination was, the thing would happen. It may have been after the third drink in the second joint or the third pill in the first drink. It didn't matter. There was that moment, that moment that happened to me from the first time I drank at 14 to the last drunk before I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. I've heard people saying that drinking stopped working for them and I don't know what they're talking about because if it had ever stopped working for me, I'd have stopped doing it it worked for me every second that's why I did it there was a time, a moment whatever that time was right in the beginning there when it all came together when I was everything I needed to be when I was bright and charming knowledgeable sensitive but sexy tough but tender straight shooter with a sense of humor quick with my fists and a poet I was everything I needed to be it was that fabulous moment you know that moment you know it, you know it. Oh God, it's fabulous. And then I'd think, oops, it started to slip a little, I need another one. And I'd have the other one and then that thing would happen, you know? Like on Star Trek when they hit warp speed, something goes, whoosh! You know? And it's two hours later and 15 people are standing around you going, you know? And you know you've done something unspeakable to somebody's family pet in their powder room. You know? You're dying again, you know? And the problem was with that magic moment is it took one more drink or one more pill or onemore drug or onemoresomething it kept getting further and further away but I always got it and when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous I knew I had to be here. I knew it was over for me. I knew it was a nightmare. I knew it was over. I had to be here. But oh God I was angry and oh God I hurt because I was never going to have that moment again. I knew it. I was never going to have that moment again. On April 23, 1974 I was arrested on a sleazy little charge. I was taken down a fingerprinted photograph released on my own recognizance with the front of my one of the great things that happened that night was that Bonnie wasn't there she was off saving somebody who didn't need to be saved her untreated Allen was in full flower I mean she was Joan of Arc roaring around Southern California but thank God she wasn't here because if she'd have been there we'd have sat down and talked about it and we'd figured out that it was their fault that they had done it that I'd been a victim again of something that somehow it hadn't been me you know and there were terrible circumstances that this had happened under but she wasn't there and I had to accept what I did and I saw very clearly, I had what I believe is a spiritual experience now but then I didn't see it but it was a moment of clarity, that moment they talk about when the clouds part it is an incredible moment in an alcoholic's life and if it's not acted upon at that moment what happens is the clouds sometimes close and they never open again but I saw very clearly for the first time in my life the connection between my behavior and my drinking and using. And until that second, until April 23rd, 1974, I was not an alcoholic. At five of eleven that night I was a drunkard. I was an alcoholic and I was never an alcoholic at five after eleven I was in alcohol because I saw it. I made the connection. I understood it. It is a self-diagnosed disease. It didn't matter how many people had suggested my drinking was a problem until I got it I was hopeless and I saw that there was an enormous gap between who I was and who I wanted to be I have always known the kind of man I wanted we are extremely moral people you scratch the surface of any drunk you'll find a prude we get sober we become the most pursed lip prissy judgmental assholes you've ever seen and the trouble with somebody like me is I spent my life living outside my own moral bounds I was doing things that I didn't approve of for years and years and years and I didn' t know how to stop it and I saw that that's the kind of guy I wanted to be and here I was and I did'nt know how to get there and I also understood at a very deep level that I committed suicide of the soul and I said I wonder if I'm an alcoholic and the next morning I took aside somebody I've been working with now this is real important if you're new or around here and you don't feel like you're working in any kind of program and you know you don' t feel you're of any benefit to anybody else let me tell you something there's somebody watching you because I watched this woman she had I'd been watching her for a year she had six years of sobriety and she was having a hell of a good time. She had good days and bad days, but she was able to handle stuff that I wasn't able to handle. I watched her and she was an example of this fellowship. Some days, I mean, she had a bad temper, she had everything, you know? But I thought, man, she's making it and she's not drinking. And the next day I took her aside and I said the last phrase. I said, I'm an alcoholic and I've got 20 minutes before I go to pieces. And I thank God for the people who've got enough time in this program to hear the screaming because she understood exactly what I was saying. and she stopped everything she stopped her whole day she stopped her whole life and she took me to her apartment she sat me down at a dining room table and she 12-stepped me she got the big book up just like this she put it on the dining room table she read chapter 3 she read the chapter 5 and the 12th edition I thought my God that woman's going to read that entire book to me she told me her story now mine was sleazy but hers was disgusting she said do you believe in God And I said, I think so. And she said, that's good enough. And she says, I'm going to take you to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. She wouldn't let me alone that day. And she took me to my first meeting. It was exactly as I was afraid it was going to be. It was in a church basement. It had gray walls, a low ceiling. It was filled with smoke and all those people I never would have drank with were there. And it must have been a real slow night for newcomers because it was like being dropped into a shark tank. I have never seen so many teeth coming at me in my life. You were the huggiest, kissiest. Oh my God, it was unbelievable. Unbelievable. Said weird stuff to me like, keep coming back. Now, I addressed for my first AA meeting. I was not, I was, you know, no one wants to be a real alcoholic. And I, you Know, so I was dressed pretty much like I am tonight. I looked fabulous in my first alcoholic sonata for me, as a matter of fact. There were a couple of things that were going on that I wasn't aware of. I walked in, I looked wonderful. I had on a $250 sports jacket from Saks Fifth Avenue. I had French gabardine slacks, Italian loafers and a designer tie. I walked into the neighborhood, everybody knew that I was a drunk and I couldn't figure out why. There were two things that Were going on that I wasn't aware of first of all it was April 24th it was a warm night and I'd been drinking straight vodka the night before and I had on a lot of lemon lime cologne and I smelled like a gimlet and the other thing that was going on was that I had newcomer eyes now the only other place I've ever seen eyes like that other than on a newcomer in Alcoholics Anonymous or on a dog loose on a freeway I was just terrified terrified fine and acting cool, you know. I looked like a deer in headlights, you know. And you started shoving this stuff down my throat. I never had any choice. I didn't know stuff. I don't know you could relapse. I did not know that. I do not know you had any choice about taking the steps I didn't know you had any choice about folding up your chairs and emptying ashtrays I had no idea there were things that you couldn't do here so I did everything because I was absolutely terrified this is the last house in the block there wasn't any other I had done everything I could think to avoid coming here and this was it I mean if you guys had thrown me out I'd have killed myself it was that simple. So I started being of service right away. Bonnie went to Al-Anon the week after I got sober. She came back from wherever she was, and I said, there's a place for you. I'll never forget her face. She was just really thrilled about that. And she's been active in Al-Alanon ever since. And so I started building my life again. And I started taking the steps. The first one is the acknowledgement that it's absolutely all over. It's just dead meat forget it you know your life is dribbling down your sleeve we don't care what your ideas are it's over shut up sit down listen first step no one you know nobody had any interest in what I had to say but don't you that shut up oh second step was back the fact that I had blown my life apart my own life through my design through my decisions had destroyed my life it didn't matter who my parents were, who my grandparents were, what school I went to, what religion. It had nothing to do with any of that. No one had ever suggested that I drink a quart of scotch a day. I came up with that all on my own. You know? Nobody ever told me to live, you know, these are your morals, kid, now live outside them. Nobody ever said that to me. I came out and I came up with that. I had nobody to blame at all. I was absolutely responsible for my own disease and therefore I was responsible for my own recovery. And they said, this is how you do it. And there was no discussion and I'm real grateful. The second step was that there were people around who could help me, who had a little more experience with living life. And my sponsor was introduced to me and that was the start of the second step. Now let me tell you what a sponsor is. There's been a lot of talk about sponsorship here. A sponsor is not a god and a sponsor is not a guru. What a sponsor means is a guide. Getting sober, the experience of getting sober is so monumentally horrible. It is like coming to stark naked standing on the steps of the city hall of the third world country. You don't know the language, you don't know the coin, you know nothing and there you are. Now, if I was in that circumstance, I'd be real interested in finding a guide real fast. And that's what a sponsor is. A sponsor who will teach you the language, teach you the coinage, will teachyou what you need to do to survive and to get out of that situation. And he started doing that. And that was the second step because I couldn't make the big leap to God. My spiritual life at that point consisted of those two alcoholic prayers. The first one is, dear God, get me out of this and I will never do it again. And the second alcoholic prayer is, that was the extent of my spiritual life so when i came to the third step i was in real trouble because i had also been raised an irish catholic and if you think about it you've done it and i wish it had stopped at thinking i'd not only thought about it i had done it i mean i was în real trouble and so they said you make a decision here now that's what the key thing in the third step for me is you make a decision to turn your will and your life over to God as you understand God, and I don't understand God. The longer I've been sober, the less necessary it is for me to understand God and the more necessary it ist for me to accept God. But I made a decision. Now the decision process, we were talking about this today too. The decision in the 3rd step is like buying a house. If I decide to buy a house, what I have to do is, I don't own a house just because I decided to buy a house. What I have you do is I had to find newspapers and look in some ads and find a realtor and then I got to go with the realtor look at houses and we got to make an offer on a counteroffer and go to the bank and get the loan bet but move up and six months down the line I own a house. But this there's a bunch of stuff I got to do to get to that. And the third step is that I decide to turn my will in my life over to God. In other words I decide to take a spiritual journey and then the other steps start. The steps that will take me to that place. The fourth step is the assessment, is the definition of the problem. The problem was me. I defined myself under fears, resentments, and sexual problems like the big book talks about and I took them to my sponsor. It was very very important for me to take my fifth step with the man that it was my sponsor up in our neck of the woods there's a great thing of people go off and talk to priests and doctors and do their fifth step was total strangers and then come back and say, I feel so great. Nobody knows who they really are, you know? I wanted to take a blind nun up the Amazon and then leave her there. But instead, I took my fifth step, which is the illumination step. What we did was we spread out my sleazy little life and we looked at it. And what happened is my sponsor shared from his life and he pointed out some causes and conditions and some patterns in my life that had been a mystery until then. And I found out some stuff about myself and now there was somebody who knew me. And you know what? I'm an alcoholic. And I got to tell you something. I don't know if you understand this, but I understand this about myself. I have always had a desperate need to be known. I've always been desperate to have somebody know who I was. I'd been a secret keeper all my life. I had been so many people to so many people that I didn't know who the hell I was I just wanted somebody to be the keeper of that information. It was so terrifying, though, to have somebody know me. But I needed to take that step. I needed it to be known, at least by one person. And it was the jumping off spot, the jumping-off of the trust, to be able to then start letting you know who I was in little bits and pieces. And he shared his life with me, and he pointed out some of my character defects and shortcomings. He was very articulate about them. And I took the sixth step right there. I turned it all over to God. I said, okay, God, I'm willing to change. I'm willingly to do whatever is necessary. And that seventh step prayer is so important. You know, I am now willing. Not, let me do this one more time and then I'll be willing. But I am not willing. I am willing that you should have all of me, the good and the bad. And so I started in that journey of taking the sixth and seventh step over and over and again, and I still do it because oddly enough I'm not cured. The eighth step, of course, was the assessment of the damage. I wrote that out. I took a list to my sponsor who had done my fourth and fifth, who had Done My Fifth Step with me. He knew me. And the wonderful thing about doing the fifth step with my sponsor is we now could talk in shorthand. The telephone conversations now no longer took a half an hour where I explained the problem, you know, the background information and got to the problem because he now knew who I was. The phone conversations that were changing my life were taking three, four, five minutes. I mean it was unbelievable you know I would say I have these I have these sexual problems he'd say don't do that I said but you don't know he said no wait a minute don't do that and I said well how can I stop doing they said that's easy you stop doing that because if you don' t stop doing it we're never gonna find out why you're doing it I hate that I had gone to him and I said, after I did my fifth story, I said, you know, it's time for me to leave, Bonnie. You know, I found the fellowship. She's found her fellowship. There's been too much damage done and let's go our separate ways. And he said, You're not going to make any emotional decisions in your first year of sobriety. And I said what the hell does that mean? And he said, That means you're not gonna leave your wife. You're not gonna find a girlfriend. You are not gonna move. You are not going redecorate. You aren't gonna get another job. You aren't going to buy a new car. You arn't gonna quit smoking. You aren' t gonna start jogging 26 miles a day. You aren't gona lose 35 pounds. You aren't go to any self-improvement classes. You You're not going to go to a psychiatrist. You're going to put your entire life on hold and you're going work the 12 steps and you'll get sober and it takes about a year. And I said, but you don't understand. I'm not sure that I love her. And he said, I don't give a damn about love. Work on good manners. I start saying please and thank you to my wife. It's amazing how many things you can clean up just with that. being polite to your wife one of the things that he told me a long time ago and my sponsor now tells me too I've been married a long, long time we've been together 27 years we just celebrated 25 years of marriage and in a relationship that long you start getting used to each other and sometimes you just start getting so used to you suddenly find that you've drifted somewhere and I always have to go back and look for what I fell in love with it's always there I just have to look for it sometimes my daughter has been off staying up at a summer camp for a couple of weeks and we've had time alone together and boy, it's been terrific we've been looking for that and we're even finding it it's real nice so I did my list I took my eight step list to him and I said okay this is what's going on here are the people he took some off he put some on and he said alright do the amends and I went on and I did them I did em face to face and I hated doing amends I told you I'm a great apologizer but I'm lousy at amends and there's a difference between an apology and amends but in amends I've got to indicate that I've changed or that I'm about to change or I'm putting plans to change my behavior. I've got to indicate to the people that I have wrong that there's a different thing going on here and working out I sent financial amends out at $10 a month for years and all that kind of stuff and faced people that I just didn't want to talk about what we had done just didn' t want to get into it but I had to do it because I wanted to be free I wanted to be free so badly I wanted a feel I wanted what you had They said stick with the winners. That doesn't mean just kind of hanging out with them. That means do what they did. If you want what we have, you've got to do what we did. And the guys that were okay with who they were had done these steps. So I was doing them. I didn't think I was going to be all right. I just did them because you did them and things had changed in you. But what happened is in the ninth step, by the time I had finished the ninth steps, I really started to feel even with the world. I didn' t feel better then or less than. I didn''t feel like scum. I started to feeling like I was an okay guy. that I'd clean the slate somehow, and I'd try consciously to keep it clean. The tenth step I do on a regular basis, and I look at my day, and what I do is I look at it, and I say, at first I did, what did I do right, and what did I do wrong? And that really screws me out, because when I do wrong, I punish myself. I mean, I'm much worse on me than I'd ever be on you. So I talked to my sponsor, and what I came up with was the idea that I look at my day on a daily basis, and I say, what did I do today that I approve of and what did i do today that I don't approve of? And the stuff that I don't improve of, I change. And the stuff that i approve of, I let go. Because we live our lives in 24-hour compartments here. I let go of the victories and the defeats at the end of each day. It's really important for me to do that because I used to chew on the defeates for a long time. And I used to try to string out the victories until I got real thin. You know? And I just let them go every day. The 11th step is meditation and I've had to get into that and it's been real, you know, I'm a child of the 60s I know about meditation, you light up a big bong and listen to sitar music laughter you know and I was using meditation for a long time I thought if I got quiet enough and introspective enough that I would kind of get an idea of where everything was going, you now how it was all going to work out, I was using meditation for fortune telling that's not what it's about, what meditation is about is trying to achieve some kind of quiet some kindof silence within myself that I will be quiet enough that i will recognize the tools that I need immediately. What is important for me is to be where my hands are. Just be where my hands aren't, just right here. And I meditate now on a phrase what I do is I look at the phrase and I take it apart I sit in a chair quietly I can't lie down because I tend to go to sleep when I do that so I sit in a comfortable position and I concentrate on the phrase be still and know that I am God. And what I did was The first word is be, and I just allow myself to be. I just sit there. I listen to my stomach gurgling and the noise outside and the birds and the traffic and whatever is going on. I just be. And then I just bee still. I stop. I just stop moving. Just bee still, and I start to listen to me. I start listening to my breathing, and then I concentrate on bee still and know. And what I do is close my eyes and allow the top of my head to just open up, to just know be still and know that be still and know that I'm a connection between the earth and the universe that I am okay I am one of God's kids be still and know that I AM that I Am that I'M just here right this second I AM and that's all I ever will be is I AM I'M not I WAS and I'M NOT I WILL BE I AM and then step into the last of the phrase be still and know that I am God. That I can make that connection to a power. A power that loves me. A power that absolutely cherishes me. And what that does is that centers me and lets me go out into that stress-filled life. What it's like now for me is just extraordinary. I have a long, wonderful relationship with a woman that I really cherish. She makes everything possible for me. she's an extraordinary woman I wish you could meet her and you will someday I'm sure I have a daughter that I absolutely you have beautiful and intelligent children but I have Kate and I was there for her birth you know there were good times and bad times in my life when I was five years sober I blew my life apart I need to talk about that a little because that happens to a lot of us here five years seems to be a kind of plateau thing and we get to five years and we think well I've made it you know there's a sense of having made it The first couple years are just, I mean they're horrifying. One of the reasons that I stay sober is I never want to have to get sober again as long as I live, you know? Enough of that! My first year of sobriety was a nightmare and I think it should be. You know, I think the idea of going away for a 28-day holiday and kind of breezing through some stuff and the idea coddling newcomers and helping them get in touch with their feelings is just nonsense. I just think it should be hideous, you know, just so I don't have to do it again. When I was six months sober, I was crazier than I'd ever been in my life. I mean, I Was just berserk and just, I mean unhappy nuts, you know, Just terrible. But anyway, when I was five years sober, I reached that kind of plateau. I mean I was Mr. A.A., Captain A. sponsoring guys, talking at meetings, driving around, I was in service. And what happened is an idea crept into my head and it happens to a lot of people between five and seven years and you may be going through this. But what crept in to my head was now that I am this sober I wonder what the fence lines of my sobriety are. I wonder how much actual rope I have before I hang myself. I wonder where the edges are and I started exploring them I started exploring some very old ideas and I blew my life and my marriage apart I destroyed my life now one of the things that happens when you're Captain AA is you don't think about drinking but you do think about killing yourself and for the first time in my life I seriously considered it but I'd been going to Alcoholics Anonymous meeting for five years, and I'd heard stuff that I didn't know that I'd heard, because I was told to be in attendance. That if I took one thing away from an AA meeting, it was enough. That I was never to leave before the end of the Lord's Prayer, and I never have. Because I never know when I'll hear the thing that will be stored in my memory bank that I'll need, and that night at five and a half years sober, a phrase popped up that I had heard somebody say in an AlcoholicsAnonymous meeting. And this guy had been a suicidal God. And what he said was that I never wanted to kill a man, I just wanted to kill the moment. And that if I'd be very still, the moment would pass. And I got as still as I could be. And then I got through that crisis with my sponsor and reconfirmed my marriage with my wife and we started. And when I was eight years sober, Kate was born. And I was there for her birth. I mean, I know she's mine. I was there. I gave her her first bath. I cut her umbilical cord. I mean, she is mine. She is just the most extraordinary. And she's turning into a young woman and she's 14 years old. And I've got to tell you something, something that's wonderful here, that's very, very important to me now, is there's a lot of young people here. There's a lot OF people here who are teenagers, who've got three, four, five years of sobriety. And whatever you get from me, hang on to it and pass it on because you're going to sober up my kids. I can never do that. That's what we're here for. We sober up each other's kids. And if you're new, you've got a responsibility. You've got to be here if she ever needs you. You've gotta be here, please. You've Gotta Be Here If She Ever Needs You. And we're going through the stuff. She's beautiful. She's bright. She's funny. We live the traditions in our lives. We believe that unity is important in our family. We know what our family is about. We know what our ideals are and what our plans are and what we're doing. We believe that each person is autonomous. Parents do not govern. They lead by example. Each person is anonymous. That means that everybody has the right to talk and express their opinions on anything. We have encouraged that. We are self-supporting through our own contributions. We aren't organized, but we do have responsibilities to each other. I don't try to organize other people's activities either. We allow people to decide on what they want to do. We have no opinions on outside issues. We haveno opinions on anybody else's lifestyle or religion or how they earn their money or anything else. We've just got no opinion about that. And we believe that it's attraction rather than promotion. We don't promote Alcoholics Anonymous or Al-Anon as a way of life. We simply live it. And it's funny how people are attracted to that. We have a primary purpose, which is to be mutually supportive. And so we've got a close-knit family. And because of that, we get to talk a lot. Kate tries out ideas on me. She tells me first. Kate knows why. When she was 13, she came to me and she said, Dad, I smoked grass last weekend. And what clicked through my mind is, okay, God, give me the appropriate response here because I'm about to do something really dumb. And I said, so how was it? And she said, yeah, nothing much happened. I said oh yeah? I said did you get the munchies? She said yeah! and i said thank you god because kate is very she's an athlete and she's very conscious of her weight and everything and i say yeah you know that's the trouble when i smell grass i've i always got the munchies you know and i just put on a ton of weight A couple of months ago, she was out with some friends and her friend went to a party and a friend of hers called and said, Kate's going to spend the night at my house. And I said, oh, okay, that's fine, you know, put her on. She said, well, she doesn't want to talk to you right now. And I said, put her on. So Kate got on the phone and I said what's going on? She said nothing. I said get your ass down to the entrance of that apartment building I'm picking you up in ten minutes. So I drove up, Bonnie and I drove up and she's sitting on the curb with a friend and she gets up and does that walk you know that remember that walk yeah don't look at the side or you'll fall over got in the car she reeked of Listerine you know and one of the things that Al-Anon has taught us is never getting involved in anything in the middle of the emotion and there was a lot of emotion going on in that car we got home she walked up the steps you know walked up to the stairs to her room and went to bed I had to go to work the next day And so I went to work. We never have confrontations over the dinner table, you know. But after dinner we were putting things away and I said, okay, Kate, let's talk about last night. And she said, what do you mean? I said come on, you don't think you got away with that, do you? And she says, Dad, I've got to tell you something. I'm going to experiment. And I said I understand that, honey, but I've Got to Tell You Something. It scares the hell out of me. I'm not angry. I'm Not Disappointed. I'm Just Really Scared. Because I started getting drunk when I was your age. and I don't know whether this is just experimentation or whether you got the gene but I'm real nervous about this and she said I gotta tell you what happened I had three wine coolers they tasted like soda pop I didn't realize what they were and suddenly it got kicked and I said I understand that don't do that and she says don't worry about it she said I threw up and I can't remember parts of it and then what happened is the next week everybody at school was talking about it so we now laugh that she's got the shortest drunk along in AA She had three wine coolers blacked out, threw up and ruined her reputation And so I don't know where that's going but I do know that we can talk about it and as long as we can talking about it, we're okay But another extraordinary thing happened about a month ago She came bounding into our room, into the big bed We always have talked We all kind of snuggle up in the big bit And she started talking about her friends She's 14 years old and she's getting interested in boys and she started to talk about sex And she started talking about her friends who were dating and her friends were having sex and friends who are having unprotected sex. And we talked about, you know, having protected sex. And I mean, I really didn't want to have this conversation, you know? And I said, you don't have to have sex if you don' t want to. But if you're going to do it, I said first of all, I think virginity is highly overrated. But I said if you' re going to that, make sure that you take the proper precautions. She said, don't worry dad no glove, no love. Then she went bounding off to her room. Bonnie and I were sitting there looking at each other. I said, have you ever had a conversation with your parents like that? She said, are you kidding? She said... Bonnie said, I still wouldn't tell my mother that I'm having sex. Now, I told that to my sponsor and my sponsor said, how extraordinary that she trusts you enough to have that kind of conversation. Now, the wonderful thing about Alcoholics Anonymous and the wonderful things about applying the steps and the traditions in my life is that's not an extraordinary conversation in our house. Now, I don't know if you understand miracles the way that I understand miracles, but that's a miracle. That's a miracle that a 14-year-old can have a discussion with their parents about something like that. Not only the gravity of it, but the humor and what's silly about it and what fun about it and romantic and all that stuff. That is what is miraculous in this stuff. That's why we sit in these rooms and listen to jerks from the podium talk about whatever is going on with them. Because we take it home and we take it to our businesses and we take it to our communities and we become the kind of people we've always wanted to be. I have become the man I've always wanted to be. I've become a gentle man. I've become a loving man. I've become a man who's useful. I'm a man who is capable of making tough decisions. I'm a man who considers other people's feelings I'm the kind of guy that I'd like to hang out with and that's an enormous, enormous journey for me from somebody who hated every square inch of himself now it's real easy to stand at this podium here and look good I mean, I'm a long way from my den I'm along way from this podium I'm away from my family room I'm long way form my bedroom I want you to know that I'm perfectly capable of being an asshole at any given moment. I am amazed at how little program I have when somebody cuts me off on a freeway. I mean, I am absolutely amazed at how Little Program I have at times. It is just unbelievable. There have been times in my 22 years of sobriety when there has been no reason for me not to drink. There have be times and things and happenings in my life when the only thing that seemed to be the necessary thing to do was to drink and at those moments I've got to tell you if you have not been working very hard to develop some kind of spiritual life you'll be drunk if you haven't been willing to empty the ashtrays and fold the chairs if you've haven't been willing to greet at the doors if you're having been willing to be a GSR or DCM or all those things that they ask you to do because those are the things that go into the bank for when life gets real now Now, I want to tell you a story about myself because I don't want you to think that I'm some hot deal up here. What I'm doing here tonight is the least important 12-step work there is. Let me tell you that. It is the most important 12 step work there are. The most important work is the kind that you're doing. The kind where you go into some guy's crummy apartment and he's trying to get sober and throws up in your shoes while you're telling him how to get over it. The guy you take to meetings and he shakes it out in your arms. the guy you give a half a cup of coffee to the guy you walk him through the first job or you walk him through the first heartbreak that's the stuff that's the important stuff the kind of stuff you do and you know the kind of stuff I do this is not very important I'm going to be 54 years old in five days I wasn't planning to be this old I thought 30 tops and then I'll go out in a blaze of glory you know You know, all of a sudden I've got all these years that I've got to deal with, you know. And I'll give you an idea of who I am and who my wife is and what I'm like. When you're a middle-aged alcoholic, you tend to do foolish things. You know stuff happens to you when you're in your 50s, stuff you never thought would happen. and I had the opportunity to buy a new car. Now, I went and looked at some real sensible cars and there were some helpful salesmen who really pointed me in the right direction and what I bought was a Jeep YJ with a removable fiberglass hardtop Now, removable fiberglass hardtop is easier to say than do. And the thing's a stick shift. Now, the last time I drove a stick shifted was in 1962. I drove out of this thing, I'm 53 years old, in a Jeep YJ. I look like a fool. But I own the car. So I drive it home. Drive it home, my wife smiles. Kate, who's 14 years old said, that's cool dad, I can take care of that. That's going to be my first car. So, the next day I drive the kids to school. I take Kate and a couple of her friends, and they all go, ooh, ah, ah! That night I said to Bonnie, I said, you know, Kate's friends think I'm pretty cool. And she said, no, no no, I think you're pretty cool, Kate friends think your car is pretty cool. So anyway, at the beginning of the summer, Kate convinced me to take off the removable fiberglass top, which is easier to say than do. Two hours later, I'm boring tools and all that kind of stuff. We got the goddamn thing off. It weighs 5,000 pounds. And once you take the thing off, you don't put it on. So weather is strange in Vancouver. It rains a lot. So I took the removable fiberglass tap off. And then the next day I'm in my open Jeep in my suit and it's raining. So in 53 years, all going to my own business, driving down the freeway, trying to figure out exactly how fast to drive so that the rain will go over instead of straight down. And I got a towel wrapped around my suit. People are driving by going, But you can't put the top off, you see, because once I make a decision by God, I'll die behind the damn thing, you know? So I finally stopped raining and it dried out. Now, I have a lot longer hair than I have now. I got my head shaved not long ago because after it stopped raining, I was driving down the freeway and my hair was flipping around. Now, when you're a middle-aged alcoholic, you don't want people to know that you can't read. You know, I hate those little reading glasses. So instead of those little meeting glasses, I went out and spent an enormous amount of money getting contact lenses called monovision, which in other words, this eye is long distance and this eye short so that I could read books and you don't know that I can't see. I don't have to put on those little things that make me look 53 years old. I can maybe pass for 52. So I'm driving down the freeway and the hair's flipping around and one of the hairs flick out the long distance lens. So I am driving at 70 miles an hour and all I can see is the speedometer. now one would think that I would put the top on oh no I drive to the local Jeep dealer to talk to her about a soft top the soft top in my area by the time you pay all the taxes comes to about $800 so I decided I can't afford $800 I'm gonna to get my hair cut. That's why I love you guys. You understand exactly what I mean. So I went to the barber and I said, cut it short. He said, how short? I said short. So got a cut short I mean I got it cut sure I didn't get a chance to see Kate until the next morning because I was working late and when I went to wake her up she looked oh she opened her eyes and said at ease I look like I had just been released from a marine prison so you know instead of buying the sensible car what I should have said to the car dealer was no thank you I think I'll shave my head. Now, if you understand every part of that story, you're an alcoholic. No question. If you think that story is interesting but you don't know what I'm talking about, but you probably need to go to Al-Anon. When I first got sober, the guys that nodded their heads, I thought they were the ones with brain damage. And the head nodders in Alcoholics Anonymous are the ones that have saved my life because I would reveal a little about myself and they would go, you know, I just saw that. Thank you. There's a lot of head nodders here. I really need the head knodders. I tried everything that I could to avoid coming here. I went to moral superiors to get help long before I came here I went to all kinds of learned people all kinds of people who were sometimes very sincere about us and really wanted to help us and they consulted their books and they had degrees and all that kind of stuff and they I went to priests and I went to monsignors and bishops and psychiatrists and doctors and policemen and lawyers and judges and I explained my problem to them and they consulted their books and they said this is what you should do about your life and when somebody does that to me when somebody points a finger at me I bite it off of the knuckle and I came to Alcoholics Anonymous and I started to tell you a little about myself and you said the magic phrase he said the phrase that that that stopped me cold stop me long enough to listen you said I understand I know how you feel as soon as somebody says I know you feel like I'm listening to them and then you started saying this is what I've done with my life take what you can use and I've been doing that for years and years and I keep coming back because you're the people I love if you didn't die or go insane, you ended up here. You've always been the kind of people that I love. You're the personalities that I'm comfortable with. You're just my people and I've come to embrace that. And because of that, I live a life that is beyond anything that I've ever known or dreamed. I know people that I never would have known. I walk comfortably in all classes, in all economics, in all countries, in All Races, with all religions. I am comfortable with people because I have met you all here. and what you've done for me and my family is extraordinary but the wonderful thing is that I think we have broken the chain of generations of alcoholism in our family because I've got a child who has some kind of sense of herself who has a sense of her own self worth who has the sense that she's okay who is unafraid of anybody who is a natural leader because of her ability to be with people and she's met you all here This is a life that goes far beyond sitting in these rooms and just working these steps. This is the life that not only can enrich ourselves, but can enrich the people around us. If you're new, don't make any plans. The reason we don't want you to make any plans is we're afraid that's all you'll get. There's a life that is beyond your dreams. Grab on. It is a wild journey. Keep coming back. I love you very much. Thank you.