The Internalized Rejection That Made Him Seek It – John V.

i'm john and i'm an alcoholic good to be here i'm glad you're here too you know i was brought up in province of quebec in canada i mean that country is cold but i hate snow I guess there was a time in my life maybe I liked it I don't remember but I don' t like cold weather and last night I'm glad Dennis well he's a truck driver and for four hours we fight that snow and drift and you know I left home I'm from Boston and it was 60 when I left home so that's the way I came just the way I am and I can picture myself hitchhiking here in this part of the country I like being I love AA I've always did and I'm very grateful that I'm here this weekend I enjoyed myself it's one among many things that I have received in the program to feel good being here. I don't particularly care traveling on a jet. In the past few months, I've been having a few problems. I was on one not too long ago and captain said, we have just lost one engine but you have nothing to worry about. and I said he should have never told me that then next flight we get hit with a thunderstorm with a lightning right next to me and the captain came over and looked at the wing he said you have nothing to worry about these people always tell you you have not to worry you have something to worry about and when they told me that I'm worried the last one I was on the generator and motor left us so this carrying the message like young people would say down home it sucks but I love my two beds they always gave me two beds I don't know why I guess to try to make a hint or something and if you girls are lonely tonight I just want you to know I have an extra bed it's free it's already paid for we'll talk all night about spiritual programs What it used to be like and what happened and what it's like today. I consider myself to be fortunate. We talk about steps today, and back about 1962, I arrived in Marlborough, Mass., at one o'clock in the morning. I was hitchhiking. I was sober five years, and I slept in a men's room in a hotel. and that Saturday night I went to a meeting because I always loved AA and I met a fellow by the name of Paul who owned a restaurant and he says to me, John, they're starting a new group in Worcester. Would you like to go? And I said, sure. At that time they started a first step meeting in my area. I knew in Syracuse, New York where I came to my first meeting every meeting they did what you did tonight was to read the 12 steps and 12 traditions and the 5th chapter how it works and if you're sober long enough you memorize all those things but there were no step meetings and the fifth chapter talks about the program of recovery I couldn't read and write And I really didn't know what was going on. And when I was sober five years, I had so much problems with myself that I left Syracuse because I felt uncomfortable. It seems that everybody I knew, they get up and speak. You know, somebody's sober a couple of years, he gets up and he tells me that he's back to college and I haven't gone to school yet and some of them buy a new car and I haven't got one yet and some of them get divorced and married again and I haven't been married yet and it seems that it seems that they were so far ahead of me and so I left and I arrived in Malboro Mass and I walked into my first meeting first step meeting in Worcester and what they did over there was to reach like five six pages in the first step and after the meeting after they read it uh there were people like father fred who is a good friend of mine today and pull up by the name of eddie d who's newspaper reporter so over 40 years now and they were like dr john and irene and there were people who knew something about what the steps were talking about and and of course i walked to my first meeting and I don't remember if I have learned anything but I have been going back since then and of course you know I've learned a lot about the program. I learned a great deal about myself one of the reasons why I enjoy being here and I learned something about prayer so when I look back in my own life today, I realize that I have a lot to be grateful for. You know, I'm a Skid Row drunk. I lived in the Skid row for eight years. When I arrived here I took my first drink when I was 21 and I arrived in AA at the age of 28 or 29. And those days you took me four or five or six days just to get sober after you know a few months living in the streets and i suffer from wine sores and you know and uh there were no treatment centers so in summertime i would sober up in the back of salvation army grass would be that high because i couldn't stay inside i'd be so sick and then i get these cramps and nightmares and and scared and about five days later i could have a soup now i was in my 20s that's many moons ago you know 29 years ago now you know if had i not been fortunate enough to go to a i wouldn't be here i mean if that i not received nothing at all but sobriety aa would have saved my life i have been sober long enough and i have learned enough to know that this is true you know i am grateful but there is another thing i'm grateful for I can see that in my past they have been some very special people who took time to help me when I was really desperate, you know, and one of them was a lawyer. I was in a mission one night when an Indian fellow came to see me. I have met him once before in Tupper Lake, New York. at that time he was married to a nurse and he just bought a new Ford that he bragged about and he had a nice home and I was in the bar room I was on skits and I used to travel very slowly but steady and he came to talk to me because he knew my father and he said I looked like my father and I have never met him before so he brought me to his home and I left the next day but he lost his home his wife and he wound up in Salvation Army in Syracuse, New York and one of the boys says to him you know there is another Indian in a mission he looks like he needs help and of course I look like I need help you know I have long hair and wine sores you know so I walked in one night and he says to me do you remember me I said of course I do he says I am now a member of Alcoholics Anonymous I said good for you because Bum's always joining something he says I came here to bring you to a meeting I said I don't want to go to a meeting because I didn't know what AA was besides you know when I'm not dressed well and when I have wine sores long hair I don'T want people to see me the way I looked. You know, I didn't know. It was years later before I discovered that I was perfectionist. I mean, if you see me laying in a sidewalk with long hair, wine sores and dirty, you wouldn't stop and say, now there lies a perfectionist How do you expect me to know that? I said they have coffee and donuts and they're free so I said we'll go and I walked into the central group central group is a group like this I'm sure the man who stood at the door every Friday night was this lawyer and what he did every night every Friday he shake hands to everyone who came to that meeting and he would stand there after the meeting and he was shaking hands with everyone who was leaving and of course when he seen me he grabbed my hand with his two hands like he always did to everybody and he says to me, am I glad to see you and I wasn't glad to seeing him at all and you wouldn't believe that you wouldn' t believe that My first preacher in AA was a lady judge, and she wanted me to identify. Now here I am, I'm 28 years old. I left my reservation in Canada when I was 14. I spent four years in lumber camp washing dishes in Patton, Maine. Then I joined the Canadian infantry where I spent three years and a half washing more damn dishes. and I took a drink and I mean skits for seven or eight years and here I am in an AA meeting 28 years old never been married never owned a car never had a driving license and I couldn't read and write and I'm in a mission I'm supposed to pay 35 cents a night and I'm behind three weeks rent you know I have financial problems, and she wants me to identify. All I want is to get my donuts and get the hell out of there. But there was this lawyer. You know, one of the young ladies this afternoon was talking about a little bit about a spiritual program you know in our 11th step as you probably know there is a prayer of saint francis he said that among other things he talks about he says lord i pray that i may understand rather than to be understood now i don't know if you've ever been a bum You know, when you don't look good When you have long hair And when you have wine sores And when your dirty People don't talk to you anymore Not even people in AA You know it's strange People avoid you It takes someone who understands And maybe that's all it takes It's just one person who understands what St. Francis is talking about. Someone who understands the importance of you when you can understand how important you are as a person when you kan understand from somebody to somebody. Because, you know, I didn't belong there. I knew that. The hell, I don't belong in the same place with judges. it's not that I've never met one before I met one 43 times and he never once asked me to try to identify this guy told me one time this guy never liked Indians he told me that the Fayette Park in Syracuse was for the decent people and it wasn't for people like us to drink over there and fight that's what he told me one morning when I was facing him and to prove it he gave me six months in Jimmyville and you know what I said I said this man you don't like Indians because he was bald headed figured maybe my great grandfather got to him first before I did that was a big fat resentment but there was this lawyer the man who shook my hand as I was leaving he put his arms around me like this and he says to me before you leave I just want you to meet some of my friends so 29 years later here I am invited to travel to this part of the country. Can you imagine me invited to travel this part of the world? This part of the country? More important, to be able to sit there and to understand and to feel good and grateful what's going on around me. And that I left yesterday morning a 14-room house I got married in AA 24 years ago and 70 years later my wife and I had six children I just want you to know I'm compulsive but that compulsion I enjoyed we have a couple of cars you know I live like a white man dollar down and dollar a week and here I am here I am because when you come right down to it some human being one human being that you would never think God's name would touch this man a lawyer can you imagine of all people I suppose if you was to organize AA you probably said to yourself well it's a poor indian and he's got no teeth and he he's got a long hair his son let's send some bum over he will identify with him that moves for you i don't want to identify with no bum but the fact i suppose we are touched in a way that we are made by god that we are different and it seems that every speaker that i listen to in a is touched in a way that god wants us to be touched the important thing i guess for me was i came back because you see i didn't know that i was an alcoholic god knows i walk with plenty of evidence and i come from home my father and the reason i never want to drink is because uh i i didn't want to be my father i i don't want you like him you know he died and and five years later we lost eight members in my family all my family died with TB. I had twin brothers who died in the same year. My mother died when I was 13 with TB and those days were difficult for me. There were a lot of fear. I've always, I was afraid of death. I thought that my people treated me like if I was going to die too I remember waking up my mother one morning because I was sleeping with her and I asked her if I was going and she was dying but I thought I was too and I ask you if I wasn't gonna die too and she said no that I was very strong she said and and that she was very proud of me because I don't cry and and then she said I was different and she slept she said she should have never said that my mother died and it isn't that I couldn't find a home I guess I never really looked for one the young lady this afternoon was talking about that she never felt good about herself long before she took a drink you know i have heard a lot of speakers get up and talk about that and that's what i have learned to identify in aa you know never really belonged in life this is why it's so important for me if you ask me today what is the most important thing that you have found in aa and I would tell you just to enjoy myself here today you know that is the greatest thing for me I have other things but I earn those things but to me this is like a gift to be able to be with people and not to feel that I don't belong here so many years I felt that you know even in my own people it had nothing to do at all living in reservation I felt I was rejected it took years to find out that I seek rejection and if you seek rejection you find it because you know we don't live in perfect well there's a lot of people who would love to reject you and they don't mind telling you right in your face so I slept in an all empty house with a dog and i called brownie for for almost a year i guess i couldn't sleep you know to me i i identify what an obsession is i think about death so much i couldn's leave but i discovered how sometimes later if i pretend that i was somebody somewhere else then i could relax enough to fall asleep and i start doing that when i was 13 years old I pretend that I'm somebody living in a big house and had a lot of nice clothes and big car and nice-looking girl. Hell, if you're going to dream, might as well give everything. It doesn't cost any more. But what he did is to help me to fall asleep. And I used it for years, and it was in my 40s, I guess, going to those step meetings in Worcester, I learned that what I was doing was... See, I never could be myself. And I don't know if it's because that I was an Indian. I have a feeling that had nothing to do with it or because I was poor or because my family died. It's more than that. It wasn't because I couldn't read and write. You know, it was so hard for me to take Fort and Fifth Step in AA where he says, go home, sit down, and put in the paper about you, and then find another person and tell the truth about yourself. I don't know why I never wanted to be me that honestly find comfort when I could pretend that I'm somebody I could relax and I must have been in 40s when I've learned that escape is comfortable you know but escape is to deny yourself from who you are nobody can do that but yourself you know and i have been doing it for for so many years that i didn't know what not to do i've learned that it talks about a second step that faith is the spirit of independence which is true of course but faith is not comfortable but it does allow you to go from where you are with what you have it does allow you to become effective as a person and not because you have a good education or because you're an Indian or because your parents are dead but because you believe you know but I knew nothing about that I left home because I felt that somewhere somehow something will happen and i will become some kind of a different person but i didn't i my people worked in lumber camp so i went to patent maine and the war second world war about about started and in this camp they needed a dishwasher they wouldn't hire me in the office because i was too young but the fellow said there is a lumber camp 20 some miles in the woods then need a dishwasher if you want to walk that far it's up to you i did get a job i met a man by the name of bill langster who became a good friend he would bring me home sometimes and i was with him four years off and on and when i was 18 he he said that i needed to be with younger people that I should leave to Bomberkamp. So I went to Quebec City. I joined the infantry, I joined a Canadian army because my main reason to join a service was I wanted to go back home to my people as a soldier because that would make you somebody and I've always wanted to be somebody. I didn't join because I'm a patriotic person. you know maybe I was sick but I knew that this country was ours before it was yours I was hoping maybe I can win a medal without getting hurt because I'm a sensitive person and I get hurt easily and I don't suffer well either if had I known that the Canadian Army would give me a job washing dishes I would have never joined because you see not that I mind washing dishes I love washing dishes in lumber camp but in the army it told me that I wasn't as good as the next person and I didn't realize that I couldn't handle that someone once said about faith he said when you don't believe in anything then you actually look approval from other people You will even say things to hurt yourself in order to be accepted. And you know that click in my head? And, you know, I've been doing that for so many years and I've always thought that so many of my problems are outside. And it took just some kind of a very special people with a very special program to start helping me to see that so much of my problems it's inside there's so many of them you know but i couldn't see that i had a terrible time in the army you know i didn't go home i didn t want my people to know i was washing dishes i wouldn't go out with a girl because i i was afraid she'll ask me what i was doing and i was old enough to know i should you know and sick not stupid but i was sick and i chum with a guy who was sick as i was you know it's funny when you're sick you look for sick people i i was this guy was just like me he didn't drink except he wanted to be a farmer that's all he talked about you know he wanted him to be a farmer and him and i chum around together we always going to do something something important we never did anything one day somebody told us that in montreal in st lawrence street if you've got enough money you can go over there and find yourself a girlfriend you know so we decided we do that we get all dressed up you know like of course we want girls to like us you know i don't know why we always save our money we're all dressed up and we go to st lawrence street and sure enough there must have been a dozen girls standing in the street so we stood there and we stood there and we stood longer than most girls did just to show you that it wasn't easy to do anything arguing which one should ask he finally went over and he asked the girl he came back he was all upset i said what's the problem he said you wouldn't believe it john she wants 25 dollars I said what's wrong with that you got a lot of money he said Johnny you don't understand he said down home you can buy a cow for 25 dollars that's an obsession of wanting to be a farmer you know I hope he's a farmer today you know there there's a lot of people walk around you know they're crazy and some of them poor bastards don't even know enough to drink I finally got my discharge I was 21 years old with my friend here he says to me John what do you say we buy a suit we'll get dressed up and I know a place you and I can go we'll have a few drinks and we'll meet some nice looking girls and we both thought it was about time so we went to Blurry Cafe in Montreal it's on the third floor it's gone now and as you walk in there's a four piece orchestra playing and right in front there's the girl singing practically with no clothes on and I think that's where I received my first spiritual experience and the thing I took a drink now the lady talk about an alcoholic drinks for the effect I am I don't know if all alcoholics do but I know I do I suppose there is something wrong with a person who drinks forthe effect I mean if you're happy in life and you're happy having your kids and your wife and job and money if you have been reality why want to go anywhere else why is it that you want to get away so important to be there god is so hard to get there i love to get away from reality i've been doing it for a long time in with my own mind but this time was even better you know because you know alcohol and i like i love to be drunk you know i'm the type of person if i wasn't an alcoholic i'll be out there drunk i love to be crazy i just absolutely like to be crazy you know i like to fall in love every night i mean i look at this girl and i could see how beautiful she was and i'm so close i can see stars in her eyes but you really don't you know because alcohol also affects your vision and you wake up in the morning and you say holy Christ where all the stars are gone but I love to drink again because I know I can fall in love again tonight with another girl I love the atmosphere of exaggerated reality I love getting so close to people you know really, you're the best guy I've ever met you're quite a guy I'll buy you a drink and someone comes along he says something to my buddy whom I know nothing at all they say, you leave my buddy alone, buster if you don't, you won't answer to me I don't even know where the hell this guy comes from I love it I love the music particularly the very sad music like Born to Lose and and Now I'm Losing You something like that I love fights I love fight I miss them sometimes I would be in smitties now smithies is where all the New York Indian drinks I don't drink in smithis I'm a Micmac Indian and Micmacs and New York Indians don't communicate too well and every once in a while about 20 of us Micmac's would get drunk and we'd go to smithish and we would communicate and this is a joy of my life I would go to smithys sometimes because I'm bored and there's a guy who used to work in my in my own area bartender moved over there so he's a friend of mine he said John you shouldn't be here he told me one time you know when you walk in there I knew you're going to start something I did I wanted to but there was only two people there one of them was an Indian so I looked at him and he looks at me and I looked at them and I drink and I looked Adam and finally I went over he says I don't want any problems she says oh I said it's too bad to that because you're gonna have problems then I hit him and of course to call the cops and Smitty said John get out of here to call a cops but you see this is my moment of truth they're going to be about three cops and they want to find out who this man is they want to find out and boy do I fight I never hit him because you know I'm sick not stupid I razzle with them and they get to know me so much that when they said Indians having trouble they used to send five cops because i give a hard time to three of them and it was fun even in the courtroom was fun i was in the court room one morning and there was quite a lot of people there and the cop picked this big cop was in there he had his pants with him he says to the judge they charged me with tearing a pants off the clock got his pants and he says John he calls me John the judge well I've been there 43 times he should call me John I said you want her I really didn't want to hurt him and it's true all I did is I want to pull him down but he's so fat his pants came first and everybody in the courtroom was laughing and I was due until I get six months but those were the fun days but you know alcoholism is not a fun disease you know it really isn't the day came you know when there were no more falling in love every night and no more fights and no more sad songs and no more nothing you know, you just you drink you cannot drink you cannot stop and you don't get anything out of it and I was in that stage about two years or maybe longer when I was invited to come here I knew I couldn't stop I knew that and I also knew that once I took a drink I never connect the powerlessness but I knew that once I took the drink and someone said the other night, he said, I would never drink if I thought I could get one drink. I know that, you know. But you know, when I was invited, and then I tried to stop drinking. And in those days there were no treatment centers. Moms used to say, John, you look sick, why don't you take a pledge? And you know when the mom tells you you look thick, you're sick. But the priest, you want you to go to confession and it's what they used to call them in those days. And there's a lot of things he didn't want you to do, like he doesn't want você de ir à cama com as mulheres. E Jesus, eu pensei que isso é uma coisa horrível de perguntar a um homem. You know? How the hell are you going to live without doing that? I mean, I tried. There's nothing worse than trying to be good. you know you don't criticize anyone but you like to kill them you know and you go to church and it's lonely in the church nobody talks to you nobody laughs so silence it kills me you know and you meet some nice looking girl and you can't go to bed with her and Jesus you know it's you know last year Clancy was here you know Clancy I'm always step behind him you know a couple of months ago I was in Fairbanks, Alaska you know we carry the message we mean business I arrive in this club what do you think I see on the big wall there's a picture of Clancy I said that bastard I can't get ahead of him I'm always behind him and he's got a $20 check with a frame on it He's an honorary member of that club. But Clancy said about being good, he says, you know, the longer that you are good, the greater desire you develop of wanting to be bad. You know it's true? And one day you're so good you can't stand it anymore. Then you go bad. There's only one thing wrong when you're bad. The longer thatyou are bad, the greaterdesire you developof wanting to begood. and one day you're so bad you can't stand it anymore so you become good but you never live I don't know what's worse being bad or wanting to be good I really think they're both just as bad God am I glad I'm just John the Indian Tom who run the mission one time says to me John there's a fellow by the name of Billy Graham said this man helps a lot of people you go there and listen to him more memorial and I did and I was sober as long as Billy Graham was there but he left and I got drunk and same thing the judge next morning he said John 30 days and I said I'm never going to listen to Billy Graham then I come to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and you know they talk about being powerless it makes sense to me and it makes sense do you because he doesn't say anything about being an Indian or you cannot read and write or where you were born what you believe in God or what you don't would you have an education would you wear a roman color or you have money and even if you have all those things you know it just doesn't make any difference i can understand when someone said john you're powerless you know i am powerless you no and then it makes sense to me it really did not that it made it any easier for me to be sober because you see i never knew how to live sober i never know how to lift over but it helped when i when i when i go back to meetings and i kind of like the idea of going to restaurant after the meeting and uh it was important to me like joe as an engineer joe and i became friends it was importance for me You know, Joe was somebody in life. But Joe and I became very good friends. And then I met my sponsor, Pat. Now, I knew Pat. I never liked Pat. You know? Pat was a bum longer than I am. He had a degree. Do you know there is nothing worse than a bum with a degree? And he always gave me a hard time. And I was in central group one night when Pat walked in with his girlfriend and he comes to me and he said, John, I'm your sponsor. and he used to pick me up in a mission every night and used to bring me a sandwich and Pat used to say, you know, I can only eat half of it and I didn't know anything It was years later when I used to talk about it every time I speak, which I do now Somebody came to me years later and said Did you ever know that Pat never eats sandwiches? You know you know remember the lady talk about today that somebody bring her all the way down from the town they call jackson i bet you she'll never forget that you know something else she'll remember someday when someone's stuck there's nothing worse than there's not being better than being taught what love is and Francis talks about Lord I pray he says that I may love rather than to seek love I never knew it my sponsor would pick me up and I've told you I'm a perfectionist he would lay ten minutes I said I don't go to meeting if we can be there on time I don' t go with him the hell with him Who the hell do you think she is? Supposed to be here at 8 o'clock. I'm here. I'm not going with you. The hell with you, with you I'll walk You don't think I get well easy I don't Gratitude is something comes many moons later I wasn't grateful at all She used to say to me John you can't stay sober and live with those bums but you know I have never had my own place I was comfortable in the mission I can go to meetings every night but I think God must have been on his side because one night mission burned down and my sponsor said it was the grace of God they gave me a job in 12th step house and my job was to wash and wax floors answer the telephone, make coffee and wash dishes but they throw me out I get into a fight some lady called her name was Anne she was drunk she called before many times but this time there were people a people playing cards and I told him that there was a lady who was in trouble and they told me that she's been around for years and that's all she does is use people in AA and I know it was wrong. You know, AA says if there is anyone anywhere reach his hand for help let the hand of AA always be there. It doesn't say drunk or sober. I know it was wrong. The problem with me is what do I do when I'm right? My philosophy has always been if you hurt my feelings can you give me a right to hurt you back and that's what they did to hurt my feelings I know what I did I upset the table while they were playing cards and I punched one of them the big mouth right in his nose who always wanted to punch him I just needed a day I knocked him Donald on his ass and that was my first 12-step come you know I I could have started my own book. When I got a toilet step call, you don't mess around with me. I'm telling you that. Poor Smiley. Smiley was my friend. He had one lung. I was determined to get him in AA. I said, Smiley, in AA we don't drink. Smiley didn't understood what I said. he got drunk but i i find out somebody said somebody was drinking and i go look him up there's a bottom to call moms and smiley was in there drinking i went in there and i hit him i said i told you we don't drink in a said john don't hit me i'll go back again smile you said two bums don't get mixed up with that guy you can't drink he'll kill you I have changed a little bit since then but it throw me out 1 o'clock or 3 o' clock in the morning my sponsor picked me up somebody called him and he brought me to Salvation Army and I was with Major Harvey three years, three years and a half and you have to get it passed to go to meetings because you got to be there at 11 but I was a good behavior so I didn't need to pass after a while eight dollars a week that paid you and I went to meetings every night then I left Syracuse and I arrived Marlboro Mass and Paul who owned the restaurant the waiter says to me one night one day John can you paint a house I said sure she said would you come over and give me an estimate and I did. I gave her an estimate of $300 and she gave me a job because other contractors wanted twelve to fourteen hundred dollars so I said to Paul, I have a job but I don't have any money. I'm sleeping in the men's room here. Of course he didn't know that. I wasn't going to tell anyone that I sleep in men's rooms over five years. You don't share those things in AA. you're supposed to tell them how wonderful things are when you saw her five years she gave me Rita she gave $100 so I felt if I'm going to be a president in my own company I should get me white coveralls get some trough cloths and paint and I did and get me a room for seven dollars a week seven dollars and fifty cents I had a room and I was painting this house and I go at Paul's and I charge for my meals and I finished painting the house I owed Paul sixty-five dollars didn't have enough money to pay him and I met a plumber he said John I'm told you're painting houses I said yeah said I have a ranch house about seven miles from here all you need is a little step ladder so I borrow that and I get all my dropcloths together and I stood in the corner and I stopped a bus and this guy you couldn't believe you know he looks at my ladder it looks at me and he says you can be serious I said I'm serious I'm self-employed and I have no other means of getting to but you know you wasn't all well put together either II he says to me if I give you a ride would but you promise you'll never do it again. You know, you're like a little kid. My next house was the schoolteacher. She taught school 40 years and she retired. I asked her if she could help me. There were 69 questions that you had to go through to get your driving license. And so I asked for help. I asked to help me to memorize those questions and a few months later I knew him inside out. I mean, I knew him inside out She could ask me any question anyways and I knew it And I knew I was going to get my license I went over and I took the test and I sat down In this small little room this guy brought me in And he only asked me two questions I mean I couldn't believe it I said to him, is that all? He said, yeah and I didn't want to leave I said to myself You know, I work so What the hell is used to have all this education and nobody cares nobody cares you know nobody wants to listen but I got my driving license and Paul came to see me with that big black station wagon I guess like 11 passengers and said John they want 750 dollars but I didn't had any money but I was painting a house and I asked the lady where I was painting. She gave me $250 and the girl who belonged to Walbro group, she co-signed for me and here I was in my 50 years sobriety. I was president in my own company and I had a driving license and 11 passenger station wagon so I decided to find me a girlfriend but I had four teeth missing. I tell you about Smutis that's where I lost him and Smiley he is responsible you know I was feeling good one day and I just finished unloading a boxcar with brakes and I had leather gloves on and there are times in my life when I feel so good I can lick anything that's a very strange strange state of mind to be in and very dangerous that's when I usually look for trouble too but I was walking by Smitty's I had letter gloves on And somebody threw out, of all people, Smiley. Smiley only had one lung. He weighs 90 pounds. He's an Irishman with a degree. A degree didn't help him any either. I picked him up and I said to him, what the hell is wrong with you? He says, those Indians. I said, Smaley, they can't treat you like that. He says no, they cannot. You know, he's drunk. And I'm only feeling good. But I says to him why don't you say you and I go in there and we'll clean them up. And you know what he says? It's a good idea. Well, by the Jesus it wasn't a good idea, you know. I lost four teeth and I wound up in the general hospital and Smiley never had a scratch. You know, you're so damn skinny they wouldn't hit him. They almost killed me. Well, I felt that you couldn't find a type of a girl that I was looking for with four teeth missing. One night someone said to me, there's a new dentist in AA. Belongs to the other group. So I went over to see him. I just wanted to see them. I wanted to know if he was the type of person who would hurt anyone. Because I can't stand pain at all. You know, I'm a very sensitive person. I get hurt easily and I don't suffer well. after about three weeks I decided is a type of person would never hurt anyone so I corner him one night I said you're a dentist he said yes but I said I have problems so what's the problem well I said looking for a girlfriend but I have this four teeth missing he gave me his card and three months later he gave me the new teeth that I have now. Then I met Mary. Mary run a home of an alcoholic women they called Faith House in Worcester. Mary says to me John, I'm told you have a car. I said 11 passengers. He said I have nine girls. I'm looking for someone to bring these girls to meeting would you like the job i said i'll be very happy to that's where i met kathy i bring this nine girls to a discussion meeting and on our way back i asked kathy i said to her would you want to go out on date and she said no i mean she didn't even think now if you're an alky you know that's a total rejection shouldn't even consider nothing and boy was I hurt because I don't like rejection but on my way home I said to myself who in the hell she thinks she is here she is living with those women they don't have anything nothing and here I am I'm president in my own company I just got myself a new teeth I ride around an 11 passenger station wagon who the hell wants her anyway I couldn't do better than that the hell with her you don't know what she's missing next Thursday night I picked the girls again and on our way back I said to her would you like to go to show in Boston she said sure we went to show in Boston and on her way back I asked her to marry me she said I don't even know you I said it's alright we still have five miles to go we'll get acquainted and three months later we got married nobody showed up only six of us in the big church we had $85 that's all we had got married and we went on our honeymoon and we came back with $35 we didn't go too far we were in a room for $13 a week three rooms when Kathy and I walked in there we had absolutely nothing and this place had nothing didn't even have blankets or beds or chair it's just the empty tree bedrooms and we had coffee table and that was given to us by these people who run the faith house used to make furniture one time he made a brand new coffee table us Kathy and I walked in there she had nothing I had nothing she says to me where we want to sleep I said we sleep on the floor what the hell I've been around long enough to know that you can have fun on a floor you know I spoke to in Westchester County New York one time they're rich over there I mean they're real wear real diamonds I mentioned the fact that you can have one on the Floor and after the meeting this rich old lady she comes to and she said young man I don't know how much fun you can have on the floor she said but I know you can't have a lot of fun in the oriental rock I said thank God you identified I said to Kathy you know I'm the only one left and you know I would like to have a boy and if you give me a boy I'll buy you a diamond now you got to be really sick you're laying on the floor and promising a diamond but you know the beautiful thing of Kathy and I she was sick enough so she believed me and Christmas she was in hospital waiting for a boy and I walked into a bank you know I'm perhaps 34 years old I wanted $200 you know what they told me I didn't have collateral do you know I didn' know what in the hell it was I mean I went three banks and then eat collateral so I figured it must be important so I went over to see Paul I I said, Paul, what the hell is collateral? He said, don't worry about it, John. You don't have any. You know, I go to meetings five years in AA. Did you ever hear a speaker in AA talk about collateral? Why don't we talk about it? I always talk about lateral. You know if you're sitting there tonight without collateral don't go in the bank. They don't give you money without collateral. i said to paul what can i do paul says you can pray i said christ paul they don't need god they need collateral you know i get message and he didn't i went to hudson where i painted the second house and i met the gentleman over there retiring and i told him about kathy and i i figured the only thing i have is the truth and i might as well tell him and you know it worked he says to me well i don't we don't lend money because people have sad stories. But then he says, you know I prided myself when I seen it on his face. You know I lived in skits, I bummed long enough to know that when I touch the person I know I can get something. He says to me how much do you want it anyway? And I knew I had him. I said $400. So he gave me $400 with a little bit preaching and I walked into Allen Jewelers and I said to Allen jeweler, show me the best diamond that you have. And he did. I said, show me the cheapest one that you haven't. Bought one for $150. He said, do you want to charge it? Of course. I said, of course. And brought it to my wife Kathy and three o'clock one morning she calls me up crying. She said, honey, it's a girl. I say, you got to be a kid. I've already bought things for the boy, but it was a girl. Next Christmas came along and she was in there again. Called me up crying. She said, honey, it's a girl. But you know the old saying that example is a great teacher. You know, my wife always loved me and I knew she was hurt. I said to her, don't worry about it, honey. Just have an open mind and we'll try again. I learned that today. Next Christmast came along and she was in there again called me up and still crying she said honey it's twin boys so you know what I say sometimes God will give you what you want providing that you're willing to work hard for it but I got scared I got afraid here we are four kids in no time I said to my wife What do you say that next Christmas we hang our stocking and wait for Santa Claus? But two years later, Rita came along. Two years later Bill came along Now we got two girls married We're expecting our first granddaughter in the first week in February One of my twin boys it's in Montreal McGill University the young daughter she's in st. Thomas University in New Brunswick and the other twin works for me I'm in construction I finally got away from you know I everybody thinks I'm a painter and you know why never talk about it this is the first time I know I mentioned maybe I'll screw up the whole thing but I mean construction years ago I learned how to get my license I'm a licensed contractor my wife start working this year of course my wife you know she never worked before she doesn't have a trade she got her high school equivalency so she get herself a job so I went out and I bought her a new Chrysler $18,000 I said to Kathy it's really nice that you go to work making four dollars an hour and driving an $18,000 automobile. I'm tickled to death every time I think about it. You should see her coming home driveway like this. She thinks she owns goddamn Burley. You know, we must say other things too. You know sometimes we don't realize how important you are in closing as human beings. Too often people will get up and tell you all you have to do is don't drink. That's what you do to stay sober. But God made us to be more effective than that. We don't have to wait for other people to do something for us. Don't believe anyone says that things will fall into a place. They don't. The beautiful thing about it, if you're sudden they're sober, you're responsible for your own life. You can start doing something right now. Believe me. You know? And you improve your life. You improve your life. In our area now, they talk about things that I never heard it in the first 15 years in AA's, things like tell young people to come in. Don't have a relationship for a year. All I could think about is priest when he used to say John, don't go out with women. I don't know what's going to happen at the end of the year. Maybe they give you a license. Okay, go out and do it now Hey, don't say that Listen to Bill Wilson Do you know he's our greatest example? Listen to Bill Wilson. Do you know he is responsible for this meeting here tonight for you and I? Do you know he was responsible for 104 and four meetings in the country. And do you know he started in AA in Hackenholm, Ohio when he didn't have enough money to pay his ticket to go home and see his wife, Bill Wilson? You know, the second step says come to believe. The program starts working when you come to belief. The key that opens the door of recovery is willingness to believe, you know? Bill Wilson said in the book sure you and I have problems with relationship our past tells us that and when we're sober we know we have problems with relationship but you know I look around in this world and everybody has somebody it must be that God meant it that way and because we have so damn much trouble with it it doesn't mean that we have to run away from it Bill Wilson says if you've taken first five steps in AA you have opened the door to a relationship. Opened the door to a relation. He also says in the fifth step they are those who will never get sober until such time they take the fifth steps and some of the old timers will pay a dear price for avoiding it. You know? But the beautiful thing I think, in closing for me it is so wonderful to be here this is like home away from home you know I enjoyed myself being here this evening for this weekend I'm looking forward to go back home to my family my furnace busted just before a day before I came here so they put the new one in you know what happened when the burn this bus put the new one in but probably the greatest gift of all is to be tonight I can sleep just being John the Indian I really really don't have a desire to be anybody else as a matter of fact when I go to lay down tonight I'm want to thank God for my day today. Friends I have met, I thank God for being invited to come here because I am very grateful that I can share you my life. I am not ashamed of it anymore. I still cannot talk good English. I don't have too much education. I'm still an Indian and I'm glad I accepted that because I will be for the rest of my life but if your new program works it never works the way you want to God never works that way you and I want quick fix we want shortcuts the nature don't work that way. You know you can learn an example from a little baby who learns to walk he's going to fall in order to get up again the way that God works never change when you're that high when you're that high and when you grow up if you think you're going to change because you have knowledge because you have money because you have intellect it is not so program is a spiritual thing its faith is something that helps you to grow and grow and growth and grow and pain it is something that you learn to accept because the only time you can grow with pain is when you learn to accept. The serenity prayer, God grant me the serenety to accept the things I cannot change. There's a lot of things you and I learned that we cannot change and one of them is pain. But there are other things we can change. Like if you hurt someone and if you feel bad, you can go over there and say you are sorry. When you do that, you have did something to free yourself from that conflict of another human being. You have that power to free herself from that conflict of human being but you don't have a power to change other things you don' t have power to change people but you do with help have a strength to accept like lady talk about to another person it's important in closing let me tell you this I'm sponsoring a priest you wouldn't believe it he's also a psychologist I mean this guy has about five degrees and he's so smart that he can approach the problem five different ways and he is wrong We're setting up the meeting, noontime meeting. And there's a few, you met guys, there's some people in there who like to get up and they'll up, they never make sense. But boy, they'll have to speak. God put them there just for us. He said, I hope the crisis shut up. I've heard him last week, he's driving me crazy. Me another coffee. so he said next to me and he's gone going like this with his legs he's getting nervous and because he gets nervous I feel good because when I see somebody get nervous I start feeling good he finally take off he's a friend of mine, he waits for me in the parking lot I said it's pretty tough huh he said John I listened to him yesterday you know I said I don't mind anyone's talk But you know Johnny says I'm an educator in mind. He don't make sense. I said, you know father I'm not but I know he doesn't But I said that's not your problem so what do you mean I Said do you believe in st. Francis? I said of course she said I know you know and he knows tell me about how screwed up He was when he was a kid and all that stuff. I Said you know st. Frances makes a statement that's very interesting Lord, he says, I pray that I may understand rather than to be understood. I said, what do you expect that guy to give you? What do you expect to give him? You are so smart and you know so much but what do you know drove you in the parking lot? Everybody's in there you're in a parking lot. Why? It's because of him. I said, no, because you are incapable of understanding another person. You look to be understood, and a person who looks to be understood is a person that don't believe in anything. He said, John, don't give me that crap. I said it's true. I said you know what God wants you to do when you have so much? You could go over there and put your arms around that guy and tell him, I want to talk to you, fella. I want to talk to you. I have something to give you. And don't you know that he needs that? You know? We can be so damn smart, like my friend, school teacher, I used to say to him, you are educated beyond your intelligence that you don't know that you don t know. You re so damn smart, you don t know that don t you know. He says, yeah, you re Indian. You think you re so smart. But years later when he s talking about it every time he spoke, he used to say, you know what an Indian used to said to me? That I was educated beyond my intelligence. And he said, you know something? It s true. So, Saint Francis said, for it is in self-forgetting that we find and that it is in giving that we receive. And I believe that is true. Thank you very much.