The Immediacy of Cutting to the Chase – Clint H.

The workshop has been titled Cut to the Chase. It turns out I'm the one that actually invented this title, and so we're not really sure what Clint's actually going to talk about, and I apologize for that part. Anyway, at this point, I'd like to introduce Clint H. Thanks. My name is Clint. I'm an alcoholic. Well, this will be interesting. I don't know what cut to the chase means either. but I have some idea but help me out if you were going to talk about cut to the chase what does that phrase mean who can tell me just what it means get to the point okay very good what else honesty oh I don't want to go there Okay. Get rid of the BS. Do the important stuff. Okay. That's good. Huh? Get real. Say that again. Like right now. No mind games. Okay, is that what you said? Yeah. All right. Thank you. Good. Okay Have we got people here that are in their, say, first 30 days of sobriety? Just raise your hands real quick. Okay, good. Good. Welcome. Good. Nice to have you here. Welcome. Glad you're here. Did you ever... I'm trying to think whether to tell a... story or not I had I'm not going to tell I had all right I'll tell you this this aviator was 60 years 59 years old coming up very rapidly on 60 in order for him to keep his medical certificate to fly in good shape, he had to see a doctor before he turned 60 to get a complete examination. He put it off until the very last day. And he was scheduled to fly all that day and so he frantically got on the radio and called and asked somebody buddy, please find a doctor that will give me a medical exam by midnight tonight. And they finally rounded somebody up and said they would do that and he landed the plane at 8 o'clock and he ran home and then he went over to see this doctor and the doctor had agreed to see him at 10 o' clock and he checked him all out and gave him his physical exam and the Doctor finally said, you know, you look like you're in good shape I don't think I'll have any trouble giving you a certificate certificate to keep on flying. He said, well, I appreciate that. He said, I just wondered, how's your sex life? And the guy said, it's good. It's good. He says, when was the last time you had sex? He said, oh, about 1958, something like that. And he said, wow, that's quite a little time. How can you say your sex life? He said oh, it is not that long ago. It is 2215 right Right now. Kind of like a. See, it's a military time. Sometimes our experience in Alcoholics Anonymous replicates our drinking pretty good. I think drinking is good practice for AA. You know, I mean like, we drank a day at a time, didn't we? I mean, we never tried to save up any for tomorrow. Did you? I'm going to put this pint aside for tomorrow and keep calling in, keep calling. You get two six-packs of beer in the refrigerator, you cannot get to sleep until they're all gone. It never occurs to us to save up something. There was this idea, as Chuck used to give us this day, our daily bread was no such thing as two crusts for tomorrow. We drank it today. We wanted this day. We wanted to really... And so, in a sense, with all our frustrations and stuff, with all of our anger and resentment and upset, when we finally got our moves, we cut to the chase. We cut to the chase, and the idea that we could cut to to the Chase, was very useful to us. We had a great belief in alcohol. A belief is just an expectancy. There's nothing magical about a belief. It's what we expect. I hold a belief that when I get home tomorrow to my home, my wife will be there. I just believe that. And so you'd say, well, I expect that. I expect it. In fact, I have faith that she'll be there Faith in the dictionary is a confident trust Confident trust born of experience. I like these dictionary definitions of some of these words. Confident, trust-born of experience I have faith that she'll be there when I get home tomorrow. And we had that for... We formed a belief and expectancy that alcohol would get the job done. We had faith that it would do that. Faith is a little... Did you ever buy a bottle and put it in the glove compartment for later and feel better? Or go to the doctor and get a prescription for whatever your favorite medicine was and it's just a piece of paper and you put it in your pocket And that's faith, isn't it? I can be so high. How are you? Let me hold that door for you. All that happens is I got a script in my pocket. That's all that's happening. So I had faith and belief. And the faith and the belief comes from the fact that it got the job done and just knowing it was available. will make me feel better. Make me feel better. I didn't ever hesitate to drink thinking, ah, you know, it might not work tonight. I, uh... I don't want to take a chance. Why risk getting home late? You know... No, never mind. I don't know. It'll just get her in the way, didn't it? I don' t know. No, no. We cut to the chase. We cut the chase chase. We got, and so did God, so did God. My last drink was on the 14th of August, and I was a bad drunk on the the 14th of August that year. Bad drunk. And on the 15th, I didn't drink. He didn't know it over, you know. He cut to the chase. He responded to my surrender. He responds to even the slightest turn in his direction. Wilson said it in an interesting way. He said, God comes to most men gradually. This used to annoy me. God comes for most men. God comes and most men gradually, but his impact on me was sudden and profound. And I used to think, oh, how nice for you, Bill. Oh, we're all so happy. You're not white like monochromatic crap. but the day came when I knew what he meant I knew and it's like we celebrate a birthday I mean we're hopeless and we have a day, everybody in the room that's an alcoholic has a day beyond which they didn't drink that's moving right along isn't it I mean it's not Like, and I didn't do it. I didn' t do it! I know who did today. I know that God answered that heartbreaking plea that we make. And He didn' T blow it over. It's like, yeah! And so His impact on me was sudden. I mean, that is moving... That is clipping right along. It's sudden. because on the 14th I was a bad drunk and there's some chairs over in this way over here on this side come on over here just give everybody your names as you come there'll be a free will love offering later I don't know where that crap comes from do you? his impact was sudden and it was profound I mean not only did he cut to the chase but he got it done because it was I say it was profaned because he went right to that little piece in me that always needs a drink and healed it I didn't drink after that it was nine months before I knew I wasn't drinking and I just kind of woke up around that counted back my God I haven't had a drinking since August and so he cuts to the chase honors every turn in his direction and we kind of lose track of that I lost track of it you know the way I miss the miracles in my life is I take credit for them. Always, I discount it somehow. I develop a formula. I was, could be heard to say things when I was maybe two or three years sober, four years. Well, it's just about deciding not to drink any. Every morning I wake up, if I make a decision whether I'm going to drink that day or... What nonsense. I never made those decisions. There was no decision to make. Let's get it on. Let's drink. And it wasn't even that much of a call sometimes. Did you ever decide you're not going to drinking and then you're just going to stop by the bar? and suddenly, without even knowing how it happened, there's a drink in my hand. Maybe it's the second or third drink. I don't know where it is that I lost consciousness with my decision not to drink. But there it is. There it is! I had no control over that. No control. and then I'd begin to invent reasons why that happened I sat at a bar in Portland out on the southeast side of Portland one night Sandy Boulevard someplace, nasty little bar and a woman said why are you drinking so much and I said because my wife and little boy were killed in a car wreck not long ago. It's like, where did that come from? How can I deny the existence of my wife and son just to... What is that? Well. She got up to play the jukebox. I snapped a ten out of her purse. I remember that. Well, I was out of money. I bought her a drink. I mean, it's... And so... So, he cut to the chase to fill in a horrible gap in my life. The gap that we have to deal with. And the gap is, I don't have any power. I don' t have any powe r. And I knew it when I was four years old. They said, you're a big boy now. I don't know what that means five years old you're a big boy now I'm going to go in the iron take care of your mother you're not sure what? what is that? you can tie your shoes you're big boy oh no no I'm not big enough for this life I really wish I were and I know that you are I'm just I'm sorry I'm so sorry I'm I'm I'm a scheme because I want to be big enough for this life. And I'm not. And I can't tell you I'm NOT. And, I don't know how to get the power I need. I know I'm just not big enough. So I have to have something added in. If I'm going to develop the kind of power that I need to live this life, I have to get something else going on because I'm missing something. Something's missing. Maybe if I steal some money out of my grandma's missionary jar, it'll make me a few pennies to buy candy at the store. Maybe ifI steal candy at this store, maybe a mean lie is enough. I tried it all. I just am looking for something because I know I'm not big enough. And I think that if there was any... Somebody reminded me of this the other day. My mom probably had a list, could have made a list of what she wanted me to be as her little boy. And if they'd asked me to make a list I would have had a lista. And those two lists would have matched up pretty good. Because I wanted to be a good boy. And when I reach for power, it's just so I can be a big boy like they want me to be. So I can become a good man. A good boy? When I can't tell the truth, it is because I want to look like a good guy. And they ask these questions that it's hard for us to really deal with questions that well. I think especially if we grow up in an alcoholic home, especially if you're acting out a little bit because they'll say like, well where were you last night? and you can't answer that right away you need some information like do you know where I was? and so we don't have any power to be who we are and we don' t think we're big enough for this life and when I was 16 years old I had that vibe after that and I remember very clearly I don't have a distinct capacity to recreate those emotions but that sense of peace is something that I I remember that I remember that first drink I had which may be a clue I don t remember my Man, that fills in all the gaps. Wow, that's like, okay. Okay. Give me some more of that. And then after a while, somebody said, it isn't how booze makes you feel so much as how it makes you think you're going to feel in about ten minutes. And there's kind of a gap there. Okay, I've got to cut to the chase. That didn't quite do it, but the next one and then after a while it's like, it's going to be five drinks away and the first drink isn't any good until you know where the tenth one is coming from and so on. But we're still trying to cut to the chase. We're still tying to get there to be enough to be big enough to be a good boy to be good student to be very good player to be whatever it is whatever it was and so my life became about an attempt to cut to the chase. And when I was 29, as you know, I had that remarkable experience in the Glendale Alamo Club that I knew I would always drink. And then you get me this book and there's kind of an imperative to suddenness in the book, isn't there? He uses language like catapulted. You know, I mean, here we go. Hang on to your hat. We are getting catapaulted on page 8. And we're encouraged to accept spiritual help. Remember that. I love the middle ground. I don't want to crawl around on the floor in a shed throwing up, and I don t want to go to China to be a missionary. So let me have the middle ground, and the middle ground is drink as much as I can without whatever. And then I get sober and I m with you, and and I went the middle ground. By that I mean, I don't believe that God is everything. I know he's not nothing, but I don' t think he's all that he's cracked up to be. Because he's a distant figure, year. Because he is somebody that's been presented to me as angry and judgmental and upsetting and vengeful. And there will come a day, and I don't know when that day will be that I have to make some kind of a call, that I have to justify my existence. I think that that I'm here on this earth as a deficient vessel to be filled up or fixed. And I don't know how I'm going to get that done. But if I turn my will and my life over to the care of God, it's just almost hideous to think what He would do with that. I mean, China, yeah, but worse. And so I play the middle ground. I develop a formula. Am I cutting to the chase? Oh, no. No, no, no... I'm not rushing to anything. I'm playing a very careful middle ground and I grab whatever formula is going on and people say, well, all right, tell us how you stayed sober a year. And instead of saying, I have no idea, that was... I didn't do that. I said, well, you go to a meeting every day. You call your sponsor several times a day, three o'clock and at four. You don't say no to any AIA request. You read the book. I didn't even own the book, you read the books. And pretty soon I got a, an eagle loves a formula, an eagle love's a formula. And so I have a formula and after a while I begin to hear other people with their formulas and I'll adopt the formula and I will do whatever now should I say yes to AA requests absolutely should I go to meetings all of that is great but the question was how did you stay sober a year or two or five and the answer is is that was something that was done for me. Okay, if that was doing for me, if I have basically placed myself beyond human aid, as it says in the book, what is going on here? What are these meetings all about? Why, if the meetings are... what is that and I think today that the meetings are very much about this I have been dealt a hand to play to work out my spiritual life and here it is and I I think that in the middle of that hand was an invitation to Alcoholics Anonymous the end the end was the drinking was the jails was the failed marriages was the the uproar and heartache and heartbreaking moments. And that will move you right along toward the game. And this is the game somebody said a little more coldly we were born and we die and everything else is filler in between I don't know that I would say it that way but I know that we are here in the most fascinating game there is and it's a marvelous opportunity to work out our spiritual lives it's the spiritual program we don't say that the cut to the chase title is wonderful because we might as well cut to this to the Chase and say this is a spiritual program in the book they tell us if we're making a 12 step call discuss freely the spiritual aspects of this let the guy know let him know Oh, he's beyond human aid. You're beyond him. Why not just share that with him? Well, we dance around a little bit because we don't want to run him off, but I think we're all hungry for that. I think I have to say sooner or later there is a place in me, a peace in me that belongs only to God. I think you have to see it. I think what we have to show sooner or latter, I'm a seeker. I'm a seeker. A seeker is somebody that's been touched by God in such a way that nothing less will ever do. And if I'm going to cut to the chase about that, I have to say, I'm not a seeer. And you are my masters. Every seeker needs a master. And a master is somebody whose very life bears living witness to the seeker that what the seeaker seeks is real. and you have borne that witness to me by your sobriety your attendance in AA your selfless contributions your combined capacity to have in our midst a loving God see, that's the great thing about the meetings and that's why I love the meetings and I love these conferences. I have an old, worn out, angry God that's some place and He's going to come and get me. But I come in here and the group conscience is a loving God. I come here and I have your loving God that I can feel. Where two or more of us are together we have a loving God. And then at the end of the meeting I leave and I pick up my old cranky tired God or maybe for a little while I'll take yours with me maybe I'll try to do without any God at all but sooner or later I have to cut to the chase. Sooner or later there comes an immediacy to it. Bill said something interesting about that feeling of unity remember when he talks He talks about the feeling of unity. He says we're like passengers on an ocean-going liner moments after rescue from shipwreck. He doesn't say a week later when the resentments have all come back. He says moments later, moments later there's an immediacy to it when democracy pervades the vessel from stage to captain's table and we come into these meetings and it feels like we've been sitting at the captain's stable with that love in God going on with a remarkable sense of unity. And it's so important to have that common problem and common solution. It invites me. If I know that and there's no mode of separation here, you feel like Like, you know, sometimes somebody will walk in with booze on his breath. It immediately creates a sense of separation in the meeting. We're shocked for a minute that somebody with a drinking problem would actually come through. And then we leave him all alone. Got it. Okay. Welcome. Welcome. and with all of that there's a peace in me that belongs only to you there's no peace there's always a peace in me that belongs only to God there's the peace in me that belongs to my wife and there's a peace in me and I'll cut to the chase and let you know there's a peace in me that's never going to get it never going to get it it's just the humanity piece you know and I was told by a kind man long ago So he said, Hodges, he said you've got to develop some compassion for that little piece in you that's never going to get it because it's driving you crazy. Some compassion for it. Why not? Why not if you try to snuff it out, destroy it, get rid of it? It just gives it more power. But that's the rogue in you that doesn't want to do what you're told, that doesn't want to surrender. You want to cut to the chase on a daily basis? In step 11, he tells us exactly how to do that. He tells us exactly how in the book to do this. To do that, what happens upon awakening, I ask God to direct my thinking. Open my eyes and dear God, direct my my thinking. And to surrender to that and to not get up and go into the den and turn on the computer and see what they email, to surrender to that 60 feet of getting up and going into the earth is a surrender. And it makes all the difference in the world in my day. But there's a piece of me that's never going to get it. So I'll do that later. I'm at 10 o'clock in the morning and I say, I've already gone into town and had this interesting experience. If I wake up in the morning and surrender to dear God direct my thinking, what I really said is on my own it's going to be really kind of a weird day. Because I've got two lines of thinking available, two kinds of intellect. I have intellect and I have intellect with power. And if I'm coming from my ego it's gonna be intellect. And it'll work, but it'll work in a weird way. And I know it on the freeway going in. You know it too. Am I going to cut to the chase and say direct my thing, invoke power greater than me to make my day sweet and easy and loving and kind? Or am I going to run it for a while? It's just so easy to figure out how it's... I'm driving down the freeways and somebody wants to come into the lane I'm in. My lane, my lane. Yeah, it's my lane, yeah. That kind of thinking itself is interesting, isn't it? My lane. I don't know how they get to me. Yeah, that's my name. Well, you know what you can do when that station wagon comes in or that van starts to blink, that's it. How am I in a contest with that vehicle? How is it if that vehicle gets into town ten seconds before I've lost? How is that? But suddenly that's my mind, you know. It lacks proportion. It can't think straight. And she's my enemy. You speed it up a little bit. Don't look over there. Because I haven't cut to the chase that day. I haven't got it. I'm trying to swing this one on my own. And when I can come on in and even smile, it's a different day. Because if I'm coming from that relationship with my ego, I want to be right. If I'm going from a relationship with God, if I've asked him into my life invited him into my life that day I don't want to be right I want to be happy if I'm coming from a relationship with my ego I'm all in this scarcity there's not enough time there's no there's not enough money there's not enough love there's not enough any of it and if I'm coming from a relationship with God If I've cut to the chase that day, there's abundance. There's all kind of love. When I was... You know, if I had told you the truth when I was drinking and after I got sober for many years, if you and I were dating and I had said, if I hadn't told you the truth, I would have said, you know, I like being with you and I know you love me and and you're kind of on your own there because see I didn't get the love I needed as a little kid and so I don't have any extra to give you I'll try to be polite I'll do it I'll be polite I'll behave myself but I don't ask me to love you because I don't have any love I barely got what I needed as a kid there's nothing left to give you so you're kind of on your own in that department now, you want a date? should we get married? hmm? I like it oh, you're doing nice but when I'm coming from a relationship with God there is plenty of love that's all there is that's how God is it took a long time for me to notice that for me be gifted with that information and so it takes a while for any of us I think to get to a point where we're at step 11 where we've done the first 10 where we are willing during the day to cut to the chase because we're going to be off track sometimes in the morning I line up my will with God's will and then the day is kind of this you know and living in an effective way is really am I going to go clear out here and stay out here in the far country for 40 days? Or am I going to be moving in and out in that general area where I can live in God's grace in the light, where I'm going to believe in the Light during the course of the day. And if at step 10 I get off track, if during the day I get on track and if I'm paying any attention to step 10, I can do something about it. I mean we've been given some power and it gives a new meaning and sense to the word promptly admit it because we can hurt people and I'm in a funny business I have people working in the office that are gorgeous human beings I've got good people good people working for me and sometimes I get anxious and frustrated and afraid and I don't want to say it and I get a tone and I can hurt somebody with a tone just by being abrupt with them. And I can tell it. I go, oh man. Maybe I'm on my way back to the office and I do not quite understand what they have said or I am just afraid. I am afraid. I'm over here some place and I know that and I get back to the office and I'll say nothing and pretend it wasn't that way pretend I must have misunderstood my abrupt nastiness what? my vocabulary goes to but what? Or I go, can I talk to you a minute? I'm sorry for that tone. I know you work hard and I know we're doing everything that you need to do to solve that problem. I'm really sorry I spoke to you that way. That makes all the difference in the world. Just all the different things in the room but I have to cut to the chase. Okay, I peed in the bees. All right, what am I going to do about it? Did I say pee in the bee? Is he taping this? And if I can't do that, and sometimes I cannot, sometimes I'm too important. You know what I mean? Boy, those are long days, I'll tell you. I've had to call up other attorneys and say, you know, the way I spoke to you during that deposition, I'm really sorry. I had one attorney say, God, I wish I could do that. No, I don't wish you could do that, Fred. No, either of you. But at night, I can review my day. I do it before I leave the office. You know, there's in step 11 in that discussion, step 11 it talks about just taking a minute and constructively reviewing our day and it gives us those questions to ask. And some of them are beauts. You know? It's like over here on... Man! Why do we bring that up? When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. If I'm going to get destructive about it, if I'm gonna get critical with myself, I have to get kind of backed off and get very neutral about it. Just kind of see how'd it go today? Buckle, how'd the gold? Were we resentful? Let's look at my day so far. Was I resentful today? Yes. Yeah, I was resentful at something that somebody said to me during the course of this day. Somebody right here on this property. And I had a flash of irritation around it. Was I selfish? Yes. You know what selfish means? It means to me, and the kind of selfishness that kicks my fanny is the idea that I have to do it all myself. There's no such thing as if I go there will you go with me. No, it's like I have to do everything myself. And I go back to being 40 years old and I know I have to do it all myself and I'm not big enough to do that all myself. And that carries ripples with it. I had that sense coming in here today. What does that mean, cut to the chin? Why did they give me that kind of... What is that on... Where is that? John's left. No, here he is over there. Was I selfish? Sure. Did I have a feeling I had to do this all myself? Yeah. It wasn't until I got in here that I said that prayer. Was I dishonest? And you can say it and connect in an instant. Was I Dishonest? No. Was I Afraid? Yes, for the reason... Do I owe an apology? No. Have I kept something to myself which should be discussed with another person at once? I just did. Was I kind and loving toward all? Pretty good. What could I have done better? Well, I could have asked... Just... More of this was coming up when I began to get... anxious about it I could have done a little I could cut to the chase and said remove my fear and direct my attention to what you would have me be isn't that a wonderful prayer it's in the fourth step it's an effective fear inventory discussion remove my fear because I thought for a long time it was like walking through yeah Yeah, just walk through fear. You know what you get when you walk through fear? You get more fear right on the other side of that fear. I'm working on my fear. Oh, don't work on it. Oh. Oh, that'll scare the hell out of you. Oh, no. Remember how it went when we were working on our drinking problem? We got locked up for that. Take my fear away. Take it away. And direct my attention to what you would have me be. What a stunning surprise to cut to the chase one day and find out there is nothing to be done. I always knew from a little boy that it was up to me to do something for God so He would approve of me. You've got to do some thing. I don't know what it is. Try it. straight A's something like my little sister and it isn't that it says in that same section in the book God will demonstrate through us what he can do we ask him to remove our fear and direct our attention what he would have us be Me. Me. So what would he have me be? Happy. Some days it's happy. Some words float up, ideas float up. Faithful. Available. Once we're given those matching orders, we know what to do. In Glendale, where I got sober in that Alamo Club, they had some wonderful, wonderful discussions in the discussion meetings about I wonder what God wants me to do. I can't decide what He wants me do. And it gets ridiculous. Does He want me to have an affair with a woman on the north side of my house? You know, this gets crazy. What will He let me do? Oh, thank you. You've really helped me a lot. Thank you. it's so much easier to remove my fear and direct my attention to what you'd have me be but I have to cut to the chase to do that I have no idea I'm not going to get any of this handled I am not going to handle this I am NOT but I HAVE God's grace I have to reach inside me and find a place where I can go where God is and be there, be there and not be doing it on my own. And if I'm answering those questions about the day, it's an interesting one that says were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Yep. Were we thinking of what we could do for others? Somewhat. Of what we can pack into the stream of life? That's an interest What can I pack into the dream of life and I think we do that in a more than we are aware we pack something into the stream of life but I noticed a few years ago that for me to pack anything into the steam of life I have to be in the stream can't be standing at the edge of the stream lost in thought I have cut to the chase get in the damn stream and get my sleeves rolled up and just do the next indicated thing but first I have been willing to be on the stream remove my fear tell me what you want me to be it's why such an interesting thing in the book they wrote in 1939 forward to the second edition and in it he talks about anonymity about the concept of anonymity and how that anonymity started he said basically we want it understood So that this is a vocation Our avocation This is not our living And we're going to remain anonymous Because we don't really want people To come and crowd around our front doors And keep us from going out And raising money And supporting our families It came from fear No We just feel like this is going to snowball And we better stay behind The protective mantle of anonymity That's where it started He says it very clearly, he says it very clearly on Roman numeral XIII. It's important we remain anonymous because we're too few at present to handle the overwhelming number of personal appeals. Being mostly business or professional folk, we could not well carry on our occupations in such an event. Our alcoholic workers navigation. 1939 and And then in 1946, seven years later, they came up with the traditions. And he talks about anonymity again. And they had discovered something quite astonishing. And they Had discovered that the principle of anonymity has immense spiritual significance. significance something that had started out rooted in the fear that we would be inundated suddenly has emerged into something that is spectacular immense spiritual significance is how in the long form of the 12th tradition he describes this principle of anonymity now what does that mean how do we get in seven short years from anonymity based on and give us some breathing room to anonymity based on immense spiritual significance. Along the way of my sobriety, I had an opportunity because of a ninth step response that I was dating a woman and she had a little boy and his dad was not happy that I Was Dating His Ex-Wife and that I had his little boy in my life. But he was doing a lot of pills and drugs and booze and kind of out of it and not showing up and so on. But he hated me. And I was dismissive of him. And I got to step nine and he's on my list and I had to go be with him. And I was afraid of him. I was worried about him. I was scared of him, he'd been shopping for rifles for me and I was like, wow, this will be colorful. And I ran into him one day over at, I'd gone by the school to, because his mom asked me to go by on Halloween at a pageant and take photographs and so on and I walked in this little room and Daniel waved at me and then I'm sitting on this stupid little chair about that high in a Santa Monica preschool school with my little camera every other parent in there from I was in the industry and they brought in these big video things and cable and makeup trainers and I'm feeling pretty stupid sitting on this little but I looked over and saw his dad come in another door and I thought, oh man. Oh man. I prayed that morning for take me to my next amends and give me the power to make it but I didn't mean it. Not him. Not him." And I knew it was and I asked him afterwards I said, can we go have a cup of coffee? And I made my amends. I had dismissed him and I had been just undercutting him and just not really and separating him from that boy. He loved that boy, I loved that Boy. And we sat and finally at the end he told me a lot of things I'd done that he was furious about. I said what can I do to make it right and there was a long silence and up until that time I liked this lady a lot we were dating and having fun but I didn't really my kids are up and off the payroll you know and I didnít need a little four year old boy in my life and itís sort of like the Inverse Hanging Envelope and thereís a lady and a baby in it and you give me another envelope you know lose the kid and he said But I knew when they ask him what you can do to set it right, and they tell you, you want to listen very carefully to that. It may be some marching orders. And this guy sat there for a while, and finally, and it was just heartbreaking when it came out of him, he said, you know what you could do for me? Take care of my boy. Oh. Oh. And I surrendered to that. Not immediately, but I committed the next five years to having a child in my life. And I fell in love with that kid. Oh, how I loved that boy. They're not in my wife anymore, but kneeling down and praying with a little boy is something. I remember the night he thanked God that he was born at the top of the food chain. And I'm laughing. What a wow! I mean, this kid was something. I'd travel with him. One day his mom was over in Hawaii someplace and I had to go to Northern California. We got in the airplane and I said, I'm bringing a six-year-old with me. They said, great, bring him. Had a little conference up there. We got off the plane in Oakland and got into the rental car and we're driving. I said, you know, Daniel, I love you, man. I love traveling with you. You're so good at traveling. And he said, thank you. The way they do, you don't know they thank you? And I said no, I mean it. You know that kid came across the aisle and he kind of wanted you to go back in the back of the plane and I'm glad you said no to that. He said, well, I didn't know him that well. And I say, I know. And I think he wanted to get in trouble back there. and after a minute he said we don't know that about him shut up kid you've been talking to your mother too much she talks like that and so we're standing in the living room one day And he's looking at me, and I'm looking. I don't know, it was just a moment. It was just the moment. And I knew that he loved me. He wanted nothing from me. But he loved be. And I know at that moment that it was really more that God was loving me through him. Kids are... They don't object to it. but they're fine with that. And it was a month later that I knew that I loved him too, really loved him. And then I knew that God was loving him through me, that I'm just the garden hose, that my signature is not on that. And it's that way today with Linda and me. I love her, but my love for her is conditional. I mean, what color dress does she have to wear for my ego to calm down, you know. And that can be the tip of that iceberg. But if I'm living my life in such a way that God can live her through me, then we have an unconditional kind of a thing, a different thing. And there is anonymity to that. It's like having a new person in your life and they're sober and they are growing like a weed and you just watch and you know you haven't done anything. Maybe set an example. Max! and anonymity in that sense where we're not taking credit for any of it has immense spiritual significance because it reminds us that there is a loving God here. We cut to the chase. That's the sweet thing about being with new people. It gives us an opportunity to cut tothe chase. It's a great thing about watching somebody kneeling down someplace in a church bay, anywhere, and saying a third step prayer with a guy because they get up and they're changed because somebody that loves them and respects them and cares what happens to them is not with them in that important moment. And they are marked by that. They are markedby that. And so there is an immediacy, almost a suddenness to so much of this. We think AA works slowly and we talk like that. I think what happens is that I slowly let go of my objections to not being in charge. Slowly let go off my objections to having tapped into that amazing resource. At first we kind of think that I need power and I am going to tap into this power by taking that third step prayer by doing the things that are required of us in those steps and I just want the power that I need to manage my life and that subtle distinction is lost on me until one day I wake up to the idea I don't get that kind of power I don'T GET POWER TO MANAGE MY LIFE I tap into a power that WILL manage my Life and that is a much different thing very interesting to my ego I might add my ego says no don't do that but there it is what time we how are we doing on time it's four o'clock right now are we going to do for 15 got 15 sorry and so it makes this coming to the chase can be described in a lot of ways when they were drinking when we weren't drinking when he got sober God cut to The bulls always cut to the chase and gave us what we wanted, what we thought we wanted and what we hoped it would give us. The amphetamines were the same thing for me. The only time that we can have a conscious contact with God is right now. And I think the only time we can cut tothe chase, we can get the immediacy of it, we can drop our routine, we can give up our plans and our visions the only time I can be the garden hose through which God can love my life or be available to a newcomer is right now I must get into this moment and that has with it then this remarkable remarkable capacity of cutting to the chase of giving it all up just being here with you there is he talks about the actions that we take out of the book, The Steps and says soon after we meet a few simple requirements and take a few single steps we are tapped into something that we have always wanted in Bill's language he says we are tapped into a new power, peace, happiness and sense of direction and when you think about that and taste that and get a sense of that all I wanted was to be tapped into power and peace and happiness and a sense of direction a sense of being you know we're on this this remarkable, remarkable journey. And we're on a journey and we're not coming back. We're launched. We're launching. And at about the third step we enter upon a path. And that means somebody's been there before us and we've headed someplace. And the whole thing is about moving along. Moving along. And being where we're supposed to be on that path and being with each other and learning that there is a purpose for me to be here. The cutting to the chase gets me in touch with that drill team next door. Can you just hear them with their white equipment? Gets me in contact and gets me into touch with my mission. We all have, I think there's three tiers to the mission. there is the top tier and my mission and I think all of our mission in common is to be on the best possible terms with God to have a new found friend in my life to have someone that I am with and that is with me and to be in communication Communication and relationship. And that's available through Alcoholics Anonymous. And then there is, in these steps, and then there's a second tier, and that's to be on the best possible terms with everyone else that we know and are to meet. That's available through AA in these Steps. And then finally, if I'm going to cut to the chase, I've got to know there is a mission for me too. here for me a unique mission the reason that i am here the reason you are here what is that mission and by definition that mission is the point at which the talent i most love using meets the needs of the world around me and there's no better evidence of a loving god than that definition the point at which the talent I most love using meets the needs of the world around me. Well, how do you figure out that's all about? Well, what do I do that I get lost in? What causes me when I'm doing it to lose track of the passage of time? how can I use the talent that I most love using to meet the needs of the world around me there is going to give me power, peace, happiness and a sense of direction and I know that God wants me to be there and over the years I've looked at that a lot and I think we all need to discover for me it's worth some thought my mission My mission is to extract clarity out of chaos so others can have peace. That's it. Whether I'm trying a lawsuit and talking to the jury, to take that chaos that's been brought into this huge dispute and extract clarity auto it so they can go home that night or at the end of the trial or atthe end of their deliberations and be peaceful about the result they reached. that's my job not to get a big win but to give them clarity so they can make a decision because we know at the end of every trial these guys are going to come up to something they're going to cut in some place and my job being in there with them for a week or two weeks and all this evidence coming in at the speed of sound and all of this disputatious stuff and all that hullabaloo can be accompanied by my love for everybody in the courtroom and respect for the jury and respect for the system. And at the end of the trial, the other attorney is always going to tell them, well, this is the last chance my client has to be, whatever it is. And you can all go home and forget it. And that's not quite it. I noticed one day they can go home after they render their verdict, but it will leave them different. It will leave them different if you've done jury duty, you know. And the jurors want to kick and scream and hate to be called for jury duty and hate To Be Selected. But once they're selected, they roll up their sleeves and they get at it and they're very intuitive. And they want to get to the right thing. And my job is to give them clarity so they can can do that without reference to how much of this or what result of that. And I want them to be able, when they're done with the verdict, to go home and stand in the kitchen of their homes with the people they love the most and explain to them now that they can talk about the case, what the facts were, what The Law they were told to use was and the result they reached and be able to do so with satisfaction and not have people say I say, you did what? You what? And it's made me very much more effective. But not until I learned to be listening to that fifth step with an eye toward what are the old ideas that this guy brings to the table. What would cause him to resent that person? Oh, it started when he was four years old and we go back and look at all those old ideas because I want to give him clarity out of all that chaos and he can't get there alone and neither one of us can do it together. We have God's grace there. I want that and I want it to be clear with my wife and with the guys I sponsor and with people in my office and mainly I want at the end of the day to be able to say thank you, thank you for this day, for this sweet day of Alcoholics Anonymous, for this sweet day of sobriety, for this Sweet Day of finally and at long last being willing to cut to the chase. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.