The Attrition: Where Did Everybody Go and Why – Frank M.

thank you my name is Frank and I'm an alcoholic well this has been an impressive conference and this is a way to showcase Alcoholics Anonymous I'll tell you it really is it's a beautiful plate and I've never been here before in the Boca Raton and everything I see is gorgeous looks like like everybody's wealthy, everybody's healthy. I've never seen so many good-looking women at an AA conference and I just like to ask the men, why'd you drink? It seems like you have everything here. My sobriety date is November 3rd 1971 and I'm a member of Lamont Oaks group of Alcoholics Anonymous. And that's really what I am. I'm a member of the Lamont Oaks Group of Alcoholic Anonymous, and I want to say something for me and not for you. Over the past ten years, I've been cast in a role like many others who do a lot of speaking in Alcoholics Anatomist. I am not a speaker. I m a member in Alcoholic Anatomists. Now, that distinction is very important for me because it s a dangerous thing to put people like me in a slot that somehow is perceived to be above or different from. I've been different all my life and I almost died being different, and I don't want to be different anymore. And I've seen a lot of speakers leave Alcoholics Anonymous. I mean, I've see a lot people leave Alcoholics Anonymous and the speakers are no different. So I came here to share. I don t have any great insights and I I don't tell stories. I don' t tell jokes. I remember when I first was asked to speak, the first time I was asked to speak was in Maryland. I don''t know why I was even there. But I called my sponsor and I said, Bill, you know, I'm trying to get organized. I'm going to give this talk and there will be a lot of people there. It turned out there were 35. But, you now, it was an opening night. I said I'm trying to look and get some cute stories. He said, what do you want cute stories for? I said, well, because, you know, they make them laugh and they'll like you. He said if Alcoholics Anonymous wanted entertainers, we'd hire them. He said your job there is to tell them what you were like, what happened to you, and what you're like now. Not what it was like or what happened, what it is like. He said you're part of that story. That's your story. So there's a distinction he said to me. What I was like, what happened to me and what I'm like now. And before I do that, I'd just like to make a couple of comments. I'd like to thank the people from Naples for being here. I spent a lot of time in Naples. That's my home away from home. And I've been doing that since 1965, so I have a strong attachment to Florida, and yet I never get over on this side. And it's nice to see you here. It really is. And I'm happy to be here. I really am. I came in on Wednesday. I was supposed to meet originally. Clancy and I had an agreement that we'd come in Thursday, and we'd spend Thursday playing gin rummy and being around a pool and visiting. Well, Clancy Emerson has never beaten me in gin rumy. Now, you can take that back to the Pacific Group. And I called Friday and accused him of having the operation just to save money. But it's funny, I'm going to repeat some of the things that other speakers talked about during this conference because they're simply basic truths. Now, that's not in my way to teach you. I don't know, I can't teach anything. And you know, there are a lot of people in this audience that are better qualified to do this than I am. They simply are. There are people in the audience now with long-term sobriety that have experienced the change and observed the growth of Alcoholics Anonymous and some of the problems. And I don't know that. You know, I'm not sober that long, but the shame of it is that I'm kind of an old-timer. I don' t feel like an old timer. I really don' , I don't even, you know, I watch a lot of people leave alcoholics anonymous. So I'm going to address a few remarks to the newcomers tonight, but then I'm gonna talk about the rest of us. And that's not to slight the newcomer. How many people are here with less than six months of continuous sobriety? Anybody? Good for you. I can stand up here for an hour and try to prove to you that I'm an alcoholic so that you will listen to me tell you that Alcoholics Anonymous works. But you know I can't prove that I am an alcoholic no matter how long I talk and no matter what I say, I cannot prove, there's only one way I can prove that I're an alcoholic and that's by drinking and allowing you to watch me live. And I'm not willing to do that, so you're going to have to take my word that I'm an alcoholic. And I've got to talk a lot about drinking because I don't think Alcoholics Anonymous has a lot to do with drinking. I don'T think that's the subject matter of AlcoholicsAnonymous. I think AlcoholicAnonymous is about living sober and not about drinking or not drinking. And I hear so often from these podiums these endless, endless stories of this happened to me and that happened to me and this happened as if we're in a sense trying to help you relate that this happened and therefore if I'm an alcoholic you're an alcoholic. I don't know if you're new if you are an alcoholic, I don' t know maybe you're a social drinker, I dont know. I know that I was never a social drinker ever period. I I don't know anything about social drinking except I've observed social drinkers. If you're new and you phantom the idea that you would really like to be a social drinker, so you don't have to do all this, wouldn't it be marvelous to be an adult? Wouldn't it nice to be social drink? And there are some of you that are brand new who secretly believe that. Because I did when I came here. Wouldn't It Be Nice To Be A Social Drinker? Even though I didn't know what it was. Let me tell you what a social drunker is. And you decide. Social drinkers, when they say, let's stop and have a drink, they stop to have a drank, then they go home. How would you like to live like that? Social drinker, when the bartender puts the drink in front of them, you know what they do? They talk to each other. it. I'd like to live like that one day at a time. Social drinkers, when asked to have the second or third drink, say no thank you. I'm starting to feel it. You see, everybody that takes alcohol in their system, I think, it's my observation, a change occurs to every every human being, alcoholic or non-alcoholic, when they take alcohol in their system. Alcohol has an effect on everybody. Alcohol changes how everyone feels. And when the social drinker starts to feel the change occur, they don't want that change because they are happy with how they feel, they're comfortable with who they are, and the environment around them does not threaten them. So when that change starts to occur, they say, no, thank you. I'm starting to feel it. I drink because I don't like who I am. I don' t like where I'm at. And when that chance starts to occure, I want more change. That's the difference. Do you want to be a social drinker? Patty said she's tired of hearing people give their stories in Alcoholics Anonymous us and they start with, I was born. I'm not going to do that. I want to start with when I was six. When I was 6, dramatic things occurred in my life that had a part, I think, in shaping some of the rest of my life. Now, I didn't know it at the time. I didn�t have any idea. it. But here's what happened. I come from a poor family, and that's true. My father was a factory worker. He worked in a factory for 45 or 46 years, midnights to eight on a machine. And my mother made sandwiches like a delicatessen. And And my father was from a country called Lithuania. And he had the dream, he had an American dream. He figured out by the time my brother and I were born that to make it in this country, you had to be somebody. And if you were somebody, you would get all the things that people like that have and you'd live happily ever after. So when I was six years of age, my father sat me down and he said you're gonna be somebody you're going to be somebody your job is to be somebody now he said that over and over and over again you know what I concluded from it I have a hearing problem petty just like you I concluded I am nobody I'm nobody trying to be somebody now that's not what he meant he said I want you to be a lawyer I'm six six years old. I don't know what a lawyer is. I mean, think of that. When you're six, you don't want to be a lawyer. You don't what a little lawyer is? I go out in the street and field and talk to the kids. What do you want to do when you grow up? Nobody want to be a lawyer. They wanted to be race car drivers and policemen and firemen, detective, movie movie stars, quarterbacks, and all these other things. Nobody ever wanted to be a lawyer. I'm a lawyer When I was six years old, I didn't know what a lawyer was I've been a lawyer for 30 years and I still don't know where the hell a lawyer is Never wanted to do that I remember when I was 6 1⁄2 One afternoon, the girl next door and I I built a tent out of some blankets. That day, I discovered what I really wanted to do with the rest of my life. I wanted to be a gynecologist. Be a lawyer, be somebody, be a lawyer. He told my brother to be dentist. dentist. See, he had these ideas that if we did that, we would get all the things that he never dreamed possible for him. And he would do that through us. And he said to us as we grew up, he said, no matter what it takes, no matter how many jobs I have to have, no matter how often I have to be out of the house doing whatever it is, I'll provide sufficient funds for for that education. But you have to attain it. So I set out to be something I didn't understand, to try to prove to him and maybe to myself that I was somebody. Also another thing happened when I was six. And I have no grudge against any formal religion, but I'm the product of the same religion. And i remember when I I was six or seven, learning about God. I learned about God from a lady who was dressed in black and white who came into a classroom of seven-year-old kids and said, Kids, I'm going to teach you about God and I'm gonna teach you all about sin as if they go together. And it was as if she unfolded a scroll and on that scroll were thousands of things and she said, These are the venial sins. And I looked at that list. I mean, there were only seven of them. Tell a lie, think bad thoughts, take things that don't belong to you, She said, if you do those things and die, God's going to punish you. You're going to go to a place called purgatory. There you're goingto burn. Now she must have seen some fear in me because she said the question, but it's not so bad. If you just do those thingand die, you only go there for three or four thousand years. I didn't know that she said that. That's what I heard. Next day, mortal sin. Seven years old. Little scroll, not as many things, but delicious things. Wonderful things. I look at that list. I haven't done any of them. I'm going to do them all. I mean, it's... I'm attracted to those things. And if I do those things and I die, I'm gonna be doomed. So, on seven, I gotta be a lawyer. Don't know what the hell a lawyer is, and I'm doomed. That's how I started out. And I don't blame anybody for that, because I don t know if any of that really happened the way I'm reporting it. All I know is that's how I remember it. And as I grew and got older, I thought my problem... See, I knew I had a problem by the time I was 12 or 14 years years of age. One of the days I remember, when we were about sixth grade, that lady in black and white came into a classroom and she said, I want all the boys out the door and go to classroom six. I thought, uh-oh. We get into that classroom and And she looked at us, that old woman. Must have been 20. She said, boys, God sees in the dark. I thought, yeah, but he doesn't see under the covers. So I made another 10. and I felt dirty. And it was a secret. And I knew other kids didn't think like I thought, did things I thought. Wanted to do things. I had fantasies by the time I was 12 that I knew were perverted. I didn't even know what perversion was, but I know I knew then. I started to collect secrets from my earliest recollection. normal adolescent sexual inquiry I thought was dirty. Normal, ordinary experimentation I thought was dirty and that I offended God and that my destiny was to be punished. I don't know where I got that idea you. But I'll tell you, by the time I was 12, I knew, 12, 13, 14, I don't know, I never kept a journal or a diary, but I knew by that time I Was different than other people, other kids. They didn't seem as frightened as I was. I thought by that time I have a problem and I put a name to it and it was called definition I thought to myself my problem is definition I don't understand words that other people seem to understand in I hear these words all the time happy happy people say happy like they know exactly what happiness I'm 14 years old I'm full of guilt and inferiority, on trial, trying to prove something, phony, 14 years old, happy. I don't know anything about happy. Comfortable. How can you be comfortable? People say comfortable, and they say yes, I'm comfortable. How can it be comfortable when you're going through life with a hole in your stomach, me. Scared to death that they'll find out, and half of the time not knowing what the hell they'll figure out. Comfortable. Enough. What a great word. Everybody seems to know what it means. I never knew what it meant. Enough! I've never had enough. Anything. anything. Don't have enough friends, don't have enough fame, don' t have enough prestige, don t have enough money, don´t have enough power, don ´t have enough sex. I've attained that one. I'm 51 going to be 52 and I'm going to tell you, I never thought it would happen. But it's not worth dressing and undressing sometimes. Just the effort. I passed, and I didn't think I'd ever report that to anybody. And you know with that comes a certain freedom, I think, once you stop worrying about it. Anyway, I started to drink sometime in high school. I don't know when it was because nothing happened. I just drank some beer and nothing happened, just I guess, but then I drank some more. I guess nothing happened and I drank some more." I don�t know what an alcoholic is. You know, I�ve searched the book Alcoholics Anonymous, and I've never found a definition for alcoholic. I have no idea what an alcoholic is. It gives me descriptions but there's no definition and nowhere in the literature of Alcoholics Anonymous does it say this is what an alcohol is. Wouldn't it be nice if they did that so you can if you're new like you are you are you can just look at it and see if you fit and hopefully you won't and you can leave. because that's how I felt I didn't want to stay here never intended to be here you know I never intended to be an alcoholic I've never known anybody who's ever wanted to be an alcoholic I've examined lots of yearbooks I've seen I've ever seen anybody what do you want to do with the rest of your life go to AA I don't know I have something to do with a beginners group part of the the Lomanos group. It's an experiment that was started in 1980-81 and between those years where we put together a meeting just for beginners, and that meeting precedes our regular meeting. After the beginner's meeting, the beginners go into the regular meeting. That regular meeting, we started that group about 13-14 years ago with eight men. We now have of 500 men and women at our closed meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous on Monday night. And in that beginners group in 1981, I walked in and I challenged those beginners to define for me what an alcoholic is. And I told them I wanted them to do that because I don't know what the hell it is. And if they knew what it was, maybe it would help them and maybe it Would Help Me. And none of the beginners at that time could do that. Now, there might have been 30 people in the beginner's class then. Last Monday, we had 156 people in The Beginner's Class. And to be in The Beginning's Class, you have to have more than one day and less than one year. 156. Isn't that amazing? and I repeated this experiment and challenge every year to every we call it class kind of like you do and I said what's an alcoholic no answer no response that's what I love about conducting a beginner's class you ask a question you just get it says if if you say something will know you don't know know. We know you don't know. How can you know he just got here? It's okay. So I said, all right, you don' t know what an alcoholic is. Let's make an alcoholic. To make an alcoholic. They look at me like I'm crazy. I said here's what we're going to do. This is our laboratory. Let' s make an alcoholic. I say here's an invisible test tube. Fill it up with the ingredients that you think, from your experience, new people are required to make an alcoholic. Make me an alcoholic." Well, silence. I said, fine. I'll stand here holding this very heavy invisible test tube for 40 minutes and we won't say a word, folks. folks. And then we'll adjourn the meeting. One of the things beginners cannot stand is silence. After about a minute, a little girl in the back of the room who was maybe 16, you were in the beginner's class, said, put in fear. fear." And another one said it put in anger, put in guilt, put in remorse, put an ego, put in shame, put in depression, anxiety, perfectionism, negative self-image, self-loathing. That's what it came like a Gatling gun when we did it for your class. What What class were you in on? 85. Once it started, it just goes boom, boom, and they threw in all of what normal people would think are just normal emotions. But to them, those were the ingredients and many other ingredients. Anybody got any other ingredients to put in there? What? Dishonesty. No, they did not put in alcohol. Here's what happened, and I've done this now to several thousand people in that beginner's class over the years because they keep coming in. No group has ever put alcohol in. when we finished the initial experiment and every experiment and your group didn't either when we finish allowing them to fill this test tube and they put in contradictory things things that were upside down things that you wouldn't think would go in there unless you have a sense of alcoholism and none of them have ever put in alcohol And I said to them, hold it. Are we finished? And after five minutes of all these ingredients going in, I said, what did you not put in? And their hand rose raised, alcohol. I said then let's put in alcohol. And what we did in the experiment in our minds in the beginner's class of 81, 82, 83, up to now the class of 89, we watched alcoholism work. We took that test tube, which was me, because that's who I am. I am those emotions. That's me. That's my life. That's how I live before I got here. It's me, that's what I've come to identify with, me. me. As we poured alcohol into that test tube, you know what alcohol, just enough alcohol does to fear? It dilutes it and makes it appear to go away. Just enough alcohol poured in that test Us too makes dirty go away, shame go away. Anxiety go away inferiority go away and I realized that's the story of my drinking. I didn't know it at the time and I never could understood it could have understood it if somebody said you know what's happening to you now. true. But as I drank just enough alcohol, I got a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful result. I felt better about me and that's why I kept drinking. I never drank to become an animal. It was never my intent when I went out to drink was to hurt myself and everybody else, to put shame on me and everybody associated with me. I never intended that to happen. How could that happen? I never intended to become a shaker. By the time I was 30 years old, I could not go out in public without drinking before I went out. Now, I'm too smart for that to happen. I'm no dummy. We're not dumb. I didn't desire that it happened. That That wasn't my goal. And yet it happened. I drank so much, apparently, for so long, apparently that I lost the ability to eat with utensils. Did you ever see a shaker? An exciting way to live. I knew when I began shaking that the drink causes the shakes I'm no dummy but I also knew that drink makes the shakes go away so intellectually now I've got a war going on if you drink, you're gonna shake but when you shake if you drink, the shakes will go away. So I spent the last three years of my fun time shaking. I was also at the same time an up-and-coming superstar lawyer. This has happened because I'm an overachiever. When my life's at risk, when I've got to prove my worth to you. I work hard to gain your approval. Whether it be a lawyer or be a big shot lawyer, in my mind that's the road I'm following. By the time I was a shaker, I also had acquired more financial success than my father and I together ever dreamed possible when I was seven. It was beyond his wildest imagination imagination that we could ever achieve that degree of financial success. The great American promise is a lie, because the more I got, I never felt that I deserved it. I always felt it would be taken away. I never felt like the people who had it felt, because I don't know. And my life disintegrated between the time I became a lawyer and the time i called Alcoholics Anonymous for the first time. Tell you just briefly about my drinking. I was a beer drinker. I started out a beer a drinker. When I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, I was 235 pounds, not of muscle. I had a capacity to drink beer that I, when I was in college, if you didn't know how much beer I drank, I told you because I was proud of the ability that I had to drink beer. By the time I came in to Alcoholics Anonymous I didn't want anybody in the world to know how much I drank. Same guy. Same same guy. I progressed from drinking beer to vodka martinis one day when I got, I was in a bar with a client. I was a young lawyer and I was at a bar with a Client and we were going to have a drink after office hours and he ordered a mixed drink of some kind, some sissy drink, and I ordered my favorite Schlitz. My, that That was it, Schlitz. And by the time he had his second drink, I had my seventh drink. And he looked funny at me. And the next day, I thought to myself, God, he looked funnier than me. He looked funny as you. Why? Because you were drinking beer. Lawyers don't drink beer. They drink Smirnoff's Vodka Martinis straight up. Olive, well, why not? So I quit drinking beer and I became a Smirnov Vodka Martini drinker. Only problem was, as a beer drinker, I was a volume drinker So I began to drink Or attempted to drink Those martinis like I drank beer No way Bizarre and unexpected things happened By this time I had reached the pinnacle Of what we ever thought of success I had joined a country club God was it going to be wonderful I was going to meet with the big people The real people God, it was going to be great. The first day I was there, I walked into the washroom drunk, came out having forgotten. Well, I did it in my pants. And that's how I walked out of the bathroom. The first thing I did was the first day at the country club. I remember that I'm walking to the bathroom, I looked down and said, oh, Christ. And I walked through the whole country club thinking, well, they won't notice. By the time I was here a month and a half, People look funny at me all the time. We had a big party going on there, and I thought to myself, I'm not going to be bizarre, andI'm not going to embarrass myself, and l'm going to not drink a lot tonight. So what I decided to do, andl'm an intellectual, right? I said, now, how can you do that? Simple. You go to the party, and you drink something you don't like. And if you don' t like it, you won't drink a lot, and if you d'on't drink a lot, you won't be nuts. What don't you like? Oh, I know. I thought to myself, drink a ladies' drink. Green cream de mint. Right? I mean, really, how much green cream de Mint can you drink? I can tell you how much green cream of it I can drink. The next morning when I woke up, my lips were green. My teeth were green and everything that exited my body for three days was drained. And I'm looking down at this stream of green. I'm only half Irish, and I want to sing McNamara's band. And I've got to go to court because it's Monday. And the subject matter is $6 million. And I knew that when I went out Sunday, And I knew that I had that case on Monday, and I knew nothing was going to happen on Sunday that would interfere with that case because that's a big deal. Now, in Boca Raton, $6 million may not be much. But in Chicago, that's hard green, kid. Now, how could that happen? So I have to have my wife call. Now, you can't call the judge and say, I'd say, listen, you know, that sharp super star lawyer can't come to court today because he's green. That doesn't float, so you lie. And you say, just tell him I'm sick, very, very sick. Got some kind of flu or something. Go on to the doctor right away. There were so many of those calls that I can't even repeat. I mean, I have no idea. I held a world record. Stink. I remember stinking. I don't know about you. The next day after I drank, I stink. I mean, you talk about perfume coming out of the pores. Well, I didn't drink perfume. I must have drank shit or something. I don' t know. And I'd get on an elevator. an elevator. Our court, my court, the only court I've ever been in for 30 years is on the 18th, 19th, 21st, 23rd, and 27th floor of the Daly Center, Civic Center. Obviously an elevator and I am bathed, and I've got fresh clothing on. And I've got mouthwash, and i got dabs of everything on, and people would go, and out of my pores comes this shit! For the last 18 months of my drinking I did did not take that elevator. I walked. Because I didn't want them to smell me. I remember near the end of my drinking, then I'll get off of drinking. I'm in a courtroom and the judge says, Mr. Milos, hand me the pleadings. That's just punches of papers. And I can't do that. I can't do that, I know I can pick up that paper, I mean there's three sheets of paper. I cant pick it up. And he's up on this big bench. He says hand me the pleadings. I'm thinking, I cant do that! But I have to. So I handed him the pleadngs. And And he looked at me right in the eye and acted as if he never saw it. I thought, God, what's happened to me? Now those are the light, no big deal things. There's a lot of other things that no purpose has served talking to you about how I degraded myself. What I did that was contrary to being a husband, a father, a human being, no purpose. It happened. It simply happened. I called Alcoholics Anonymous for the first time when I was 30 years old. I didn't know anybody who ever was in Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn' t know much about Alcoholics Anonymous, I just simply didn' d. But I guess I heard the word somewhere and when I'm 30 years old, I called Alcoholics Anonymous one morning of some fear or frustration or I don' t know what. And I looked in a phone book. I lived in a suburb of Chicago at the time. I got this listing, Alcoholics Anonymous. It was early in the morning. I used to love to call AlcoholicsAnonymous first thing in the morning. I would get them up, get them working. And I got a recorded message and it was a woman's voice said, good morning, this is Alcoholics Anonymous and when I heard that, I hung up the phone. And when I hung off that phone, I got not a good feeling. I thought to myself, you did it. You did something about your drinking. Then I took an inventory. You see, I knew about inventories long before I got here. I started to take inventories Long before you ever told me about inventors. Here's how my inventory goes. I'm 30 years old. How can I be an alcoholic? Try this with your beginners. Walk in, I do it all the time. Close your eyes. Picture an alcoholic. What'd you picture? What do you think they picture? 98% of thousands of them have all pictured one thing. Claire? Dirty old man. I got a question for you, Claire. Why don't you women sometimes picture a dirty old woman? Dirty old man, I'm 30 years old I live in a big house on top of a hill I've got more financial security by that time than I thought possible I'm an alcoholic? No way I'm too young to be an alcoholic Alcoholic? That dirty old man is Old, I don't know Now I don' t talk about what old is But old, okay okay? I'm not that. I'm not dirty, I'm educated, I got pressure, I got unresolved issues, I've got many secrets, and I'm frustratingly unhappy. Unhappy. I got that problem, and I know something's wrong with me, but I can't be an alcoholic. Look at those kids, look at that wife, look a all the things those vacations, that's not what alcoholics have. You're not an alcoholic. I I convinced me. And I progressed to try to prove that I was not an alcoholic. And I drank to prove that I wasn't an alcoholic and the more I drank because a funny thing happens and it happened in that day in that experiment with that test tube. You know what happens? You pour alcohol in that testube that was me and alcohol has a special and wonderful effect it dilutes the things that are there. If you keep repeating that experiment over and over again it stops at some point diluting. And it stopped diluting for me when I was about 27 years old. Now, what do you think an intelligent guy like me concludes when just pouring X amount doesn't dilute? Stop pouring? Pouring more. And something different. And in different times and in different countries with different people. Find the formula what? To be drunk? No way. I never set out to be drunk. I set out to be comfortable, to feel happy, to feel as if I was okay, to take the pressure off what I drank. Now what happens in that experiment, at least for me and I don't presume that it's happened to you as you continue to put more and more not only doesn't it dilute it begins to intensify the things that are in the test tube absolute flip-flop of what happened earlier begins to occur now my wife takes on frightening horror scenes that I don't understand and all I want to do is turn to reverse the process so I can have it work again. And I proceeded to do that between my first and second call to Alcoholics Anonymous. I made my second call to Alcoholic Anonymous when I was 32 years of age. Another day of remorse, guilt, frustration, fear, I don't know. I don' t recall. Because I felt a lot of times like that. I got a live woman. She said good morning this is Alcoholics synonymous, and I hung up the phone. I got another good feeling because I did something about my drinking. I took an inventory. By this time, I had done even better. See, some of us can perform. We live like me, not you. Some people like me learn to live like this Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde. See? Part of me is, look at me, I'm okay. The other part of me is, I hope you don't see me, because I'm not supposed to be here or with this one or at this time or at his place. And I used to be able to balance that. I used to be a little choreographed Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde. After a while, I didn't know when doctor or mister would take over or appear. I never do. Terrible, terrible terrible, frightening, and degrading things occurred in that process. I called Alcoholics Anonymous for the third and last time on November 3rd, 1971. No big deal. There was a little story behind it, but it was no big deal I walked into a bar at 4 o'clock in the morning. I didn't know anybody in the bar. It was a cowboy bar, a country and western bar. And at the end of the bar sat a guy like you with a beard. Okay Never in my life Have I ever thought about beards That night That beard offended me And I decided To kill the beard See, I can go When I'm at this stage In my drinking I can do that I can from lover to killer Like that Like that I have a trigger Ha-ha, bang. Ha-Ha, bang And when I'm like that I also have I have to prove that I'm a man Gotta prove that I am a man Men are aggressive They're angry and they're forceful and they are not afraid And if I had enough drink I wasn't afraid of anybody If I was sober I was a coward I don't know how that works And that day I was going to kill that beard. And I walked up to that beard and I said, excuse me. And that cowboy looked up and said, yeah. I said I'm going to tell you. I'm not going to let him kill you. He stood up in sections. And he said, listen boy, you want to step out? And we stepped out. And we got in the parking lot of that place. Isn't it crazy? I'm here, I'm an up-and-coming superstar lawyer. I mean this is not what we do. I find myself in the parking lot, and here's this big group with these pointed shoes. I'm thinking, Jesus, are those shoes going to hurt? Even drunk, I had some sense. And I did what all South Chicago boys do. I said, all right, slick, make your move. See, he wasn't nuts. His manhood was not at stake sufficient for him to risk his life. he didn't know if I had a gun or if I didn't have a gun and he chose in good sense to turn around and walk away I could never have done that and he said you're sick and he walked away and I woke up the next morning and I knew I was sick and I my destiny was to die in a parking lot because I didn t have a gone and someday the other guy was going to have have one. And I wasn't afraid to die. I wasn' t afraid to die, I didn't want to die, but I never was afraid to die. But I was so ashamed of the loss of control that I called Alcoholics Anonymous on November 3rd, 1971. I got a woman from the Chicago office of Alcoholics Anonymous and she read the script. Good morning, this is is Alcoholics Anonymous. Nine o'clock in the morning. She says, can I help you? I said, I'd like to talk about drinking. She said, what's your name? I thought, what do you mean? What's my name? I don't want to give her my name. That's all I want to give her My Name for. I mean, I give her My Name, she'll know who I am. She'll tell everybody he called Alcoholics Anonymous! I wouldn't give her My Name. She says you have to give me Your Name. You have to Give me your address, your phone number. I want to know how old you are. And I want know what you do for a living. I said, lady, this is an anonymous program. She said, that's the way it works. I said my name is Frank Miles. I live in Palos Heights. I'm 34 years of age. My number is so-and-so. I don't remember what number it was. And I'm a lawyer. She says, what? I said I'm not a lawyer, she said, I can't hear you. I said i'm a lawyer. That's it all. Now, isn't this nuts? On November 3rd, 1971, I thought I was the first lawyer that ever called alcoholics an honor. That's how goofy I was. In my group, we got so many lawyers that we have put in a rule about two years ago. If you bring one more lawyer, you have to bring one housewife and two truck drivers. She said, okay, she said, Frank, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm gonna call somebody and I'll have them give you a call at six. I said, six? It's nine o'clock in the morning. I said lady, you don't know anything about alcoholism. She said oh no. I said I have felt this way a thousand mornings. I take an inventory, I justify my conduct, I pray to do better, I pledge to do better. I have a couple of drinks and I know tomorrow we'll start on our new life. And I've had that experience a thousand times. I said it's nine o'clock in the morning. She said, if you're that serious about your problem. I thought, problem? Who the hell's talking about a problem? I was making an inquiry. She says, you can go to a place in Chicago. It's a storefront. No, she didn't. She sent a place to Chicago and she gave me an address. I'm a suburban guy. And it kind of rang a bell. But you know, oh, Chicago's a big city. You can't remember all these streets. But it sounded funny to me. She said, you can go there. It's open 24 hours a day and there'll be alcoholics there and you can talk to them. So I thought, well, do what everybody else does. I'll go join Alcoholics Anonymous. So I got in the shower and big house on top of the hill. Cleaned up. Put on an imported blue, dark blue. Match my eyes. Gorgeous. striped silk tie, patent leather shoes they were in then, gold cufflinks, gold pin here, watch, diamond ring. Got my new Cadillac. Drove out that circular drive and went to join Alcoholics Anonymous. Forty minutes later, I'm in this crappy neighborhood. It's Skid Row. I'm thinking to myself, I knew it would be like this. There it is. 19-7 or whatever the address was. Storefront building. I tool that black car up there where they can see me pull in. And I shashayed in there. and the first person that saw me was a young man about 27 years old. He had a white shirt and a tie on. I figured him to be a consular. But he hadn't taken the 15-minute course yet. I don't have anything against consulars. I could be a counselor. admit you're powerless over alcohol. Quit lying to yourself. Stop drinking or you'll die. Go to AA. That'll be $18,000. Better than a hundred. Huh? If you're going to take, kid, take. cake. He looked at me and immediately he said to me, you need help. I think to myself, doesn't he see me? Doesn't he see that card and see that gold and see the suit and those shoes? I guess he did but he didn't you know why he knew I needed help because he saw my eyes and you cannot cover your eyes with gold or money or success or power or prestige real or imaginary saw my ice and he said you need help I said yes I do I sat in that storefront building for six six hours with that kid. Kid, I say that respectfully. To me, he was a kid. And I told that kid a lot of dirty things about me. And I cried. I really, really cried. I said, I'm an animal. I mean, I mean an animal and tears running down my eyes and I told him some terrible, terrible things. We got into sexual things. He perked up. After about a half hour of those, he said, excuse me, I have to go to the washroom. I thought you dirty thing. I told him just what I thought he could handle at his age. Then that kid who befriended me said this to me, Listen, Frank, it's getting late. How about if we go and have a sandwich and go to an AA meeting? I thought, go to a meeting? Tell her I want a meeting for her. I've been in AA all day. I told this kid things about me I'd never tell anybody else Didn't tell him my name, by the way Or what I did for a living Or where I lived I said, kid, look I'd love to do that But you see It's 5.30 We eat at 6 I've got to be home for dinner I hadn't been home for diner For seven years years. I never went home for dinner. Social drinkers go home for dinner. What do you go home for dinner for? Never went home for a dinner. Quarter to six, I stopped at a gas station. I'll never forget it. It was a shell station. It doesn't mean anything, but I lived it. And I picked up the phone and I dialed my wife. And she said, and I said, Lee, you won't believe what I've done for us today. I said I went to the Alcoholics Anonymous. She said, we're going to eat at 6. It'll be on the table. And she hung up the phone because, see, she didn't care if I came home or not. She was long past caring. The only reason she remained in that house is because there were three little girls in thathouse and she didn' t know where to go. And sie was a hostage in thathome. Sie was a hostage in an environment of terror and inconsistency. That's what ruled our house. Terror and inconsistancy. An atmosphere of unknown. known. When is it going to explode? How is it going to explode? And she was captive. She didn't care if I came home. I walked in that door at five minutes to six and I thought, well, she'll tell the kids, lovely little girls. She said, the kids' daddy went to AA. Now when daddy comes in, we're all going to be nice to daddy. Maybe we'll stand. I walk in there and there were three little girls, beautiful kids sitting at a table and there was chicken on the table and there's a wife that didn't care if I lived or died, sitting there. And I looked at those kids and they had computer eyes. Computer eyes. And, I see computer eyes in the eyes of children of alcoholics. And my kids had computer eyes. Here's how they look. What kind of day did Daddy have? Four years old, six years old. What kind of day did Daddy have? He said, Daddy had a good day. Daddy won. Daddy fooled him. Daddy felt powerful. Daddy felt successful. Daddy felt okay. Daddy's going to say, you're the most wonderful little girl in the world. God sent you to me and I love you. Daddy had a bad day. Daddy was hurt. Daddy was exposed. Daddy Daddy felt a failure. Daddy was frightened. Daddy would come in, and he might see a shoe in the living room, and he may knock you off the chair. What kind of day did Daddy have that never could happen? I never intended that to happen. It can't happen. I'm too smart to allow that to happened. I'm a human being. When those kids were born, I pledged to God I'd be the best father he ever had. I never wanted to hit my wife. I lived in a home where wives grabbed knives to protect themselves from drunken husbands. When I was 12, I said, I'll never be like that. I'll Never Do That To My Wife. I'm 34 years old, and I've done it. How could that happen? I don't know. I don' t know how that happened. And the phone rang. It was 6 o'clock. Holy Christ, I thought, that's Alcoholics Anonymous. Won't they ever leave me alone? By this time in my life when the phone rang, it's like every nerve in my body... I pick up the phone and I heard the worst voice I've ever heard in my whole life. Here's what I heard. Frank! My name is George. George, I got your name from the central office. I understand you've got a problem with booze. I said, good evening, George. I had a problem, but I went to an A-club. Good, he said. I want to come over and talk to you about it. Come over to my house? I'm thinking to myself, how can I do this to my family? family. Can you imagine having an alcoholic come to your house? I live on a high hill. Everybody in the neighborhood sees who comes. I don't know how you're going to arrive, but Jesus, what are the neighbors going to say? Here come the alcoholics. We got new carpeting. I mean, Jesus. I said this. I said this. I lied. Instantly I lied to this voice. See, I said you never wanted to be a lawyer? Right. Means nothing to me what I do. Nothing. But I was destined to be lawyer. I was given a God God's a gift that has enabled me to be more successful than I ever maybe deserved or thought possible. It's a talent, and it's simply this. You put enough pressure on me, and I can lie with no thought process. I don't have to think about lying. Lies come to me like songs to a composer. Poems to a poet. He said he wanted to come over. And I said, gee, George, I have to go to a PTA meeting. Now, the marvelous thing about this gift is I had never gone to a PTMA in my life. Nobody I've ever known has ever gone to an PTA meet-up. Isn't it wonderful? I mean, I wouldn't know a PPA if I saw one. And yet, with no thought process, I had to go do a PGA meeting. And he said, what time is that meeting over? No problem. I don't have to think. 8.30. I'll be there at 8.45. True, true. I said, well, normally, George, that would be all right, but after the regularly scheduled PTA meeting, we have a board director's meeting and I'm on the board. Might as well be on the Board, right? What time is that meeting over? 10.30, George. I'll see you then. I'll say, I'll stay there at 10.45, I said, George, you're not going to believe this. But we're trying to raise some money for the PTA. And after the board of directors meeting, we have a finance committee meeting. Right, Claire? She knows, George. What time is that meeting over? 12 o'clock, George figuring, shit. Nobody wants to come out and admit that. I'll be there at 1215. Then I said what apparently you should not say. I said, George, listen, it's just not going to work. It's not convenient. Why don't you leave your name and number, and when it's more convenient, I'll get back to you. You hear in Alcoholics Anonymous that God speaks through the membership? November 3rd, 1971, God had a dirty mouth. He went nuts. us. He's a stream of vulgarity. I mean, it was wonderful. I wish I could tell you what he says. Colorful stuff. He said, you goof. You phony. And this litany of vulparity. He has the ability to swear. You know, you hear about, I don't know much about songs, but but Frank Sinatra people say guys like him have phrasing. George has phrasing, bing. I can't tell you what he said because it's inappropriate at a meeting of all Cogs and Isles. But I'll tell you this much. Up until that time, George had never met any member of my family, but he seemed to know my mother. And he went on and on and he said, finally, listen, goof. Goof, I'm going to put that in your book about how to make a 12-step call. Listen, goof, if it's not too inconvenient, answer a couple of questions and then I'll hang up. And I thought I'll do anything to get rid of you. Isn't this amazing? At 9 o'clock in the morning, my life's at risk. At 6 o' clock, I don't need help. That's why in 26,000 calls that came into the Chicago office of Alcoholics Anonymous last year, Over 50% of those people, when returned, when they were called to return, refused to talk to us. And you don't think that moment where we're susceptible to recovery is fleeting? And I said, yes, George. What are the questions? What are you, somebody important? Yep. What are your somebody famous? Yep. What are y'all, a lawyer or something? Yep. Listen, famous, important lawyer. I'm a lawyer. When they called me, they gave me your name. I've been practicing law for 15 years, five miles from where you live, and I never heard of you. I said, what time are you coming, George? And he said, I'm not coming because you're not worth it and he had me I'm an alcoholic you tell me I can have it I'll think about it you tell me I can't have it she he said you want to talk to me you come to my house where do you live Beverly Hills Beverly Hills in Chicago is like like Beverly Hills in Los Angeles. Big old mansions, old money. Hey, something I don't know anything about. I drive that car and I pull up in front of that mansion-like building in Beverly Hills and I go up those steps. I ring the doorbell. The door opens. This little ugly guy's there. Frank! Yes, sir. Wait there. I waited. It seemed like 3,000 years in purgatory. Probably was two minutes. Got in the car. Drove about four blocks. That was the AA meeting. Walked in. That was my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. About a year later, a year or two, I don't remember, we're sitting in the coffee shop and George says, Hey Frank, remember that time you came to my house? Yeah, George. Remember I told you to wait outside? Yeah, Georgie. You know why, Frank? No, Georgi. Because we just got new carpeting. True story I don't make this up This is a podium flash This is real She knows She knows George Sat in hundreds of meetings with him I followed George around George was a speaker He used to go and give talks And I'd go and listen to George George was wonderful God, he was wonderful. And he just became more famous in our area as a speaker. Then he drank. Then he drank and I remember going to his office after he drank, I said, George why did you drink? He said because I never really was an alcoholic Frank. I said George you told me you were an alcoholic I believed you we went to meetings together he said I was mistaken I just I was hard on myself I'm not an alcoholic four years later I stopped to buy a package of cigarettes in a place that I had never I don't think I ever said this clip in a a place I had never gone before in my life, in a store downtown in Chicago that I'd never been in before in My Life. And I bought those cigarettes and I opened the door and coming in was George. George had been out. He went out on Friday to go to a social function. He was a big man in politics in Chicago. That was during the daily era, the older daily era. George went to a party with Mayor Daley. And it was Monday morning, and George was coming home from the party. I sponsored George. I now sponsor George. That's sad. That's bad. Well, I went to those meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous for a couple of years, and I learned all the steps, and I learn all the talk, and i learned all that goody. Pick up chairs, clean ashtrays, make coffee, greet newcomers. And I went to a lot of closed discussion meetings. And I learned fast because I got a good memory and I remember this book. And I used to be able to quote three years sober and say, look at page 27. It says on page 27, and it quotes a lovely thing. You know, no calls but a symptom of a problem. Read it. God, Frank, you have a good program. You know what I never told them? I never tell them I terrorized my home. I was still doing it. I didn't tell them that I still had a girlfriend. I was married. I didn�t tell them. I didn �tell them that still lived in fear, in depression and anxiety. But in AA, you don�t do that when you are three years sober and there is a bunch of newcomers there. You say, Alcoholics Anonymous works. Just keep coming. Believe that it works, even if you don't understand it. It'll work for you like it worked for me. Newcomer, you're welcome. God, isn't he got a lovely program. Three years sober, I couldn't stand that anymore. I couldn' lie anymore. I didn't want to be there anymore. It would choke me to say that crap over and over again. And I didn' go to Alcoholics Aanonymous meetings for about four or five months. I never drank. I came down to Naples, Florida one day and I met a guy on the beach right behind the Beach Club Hotel he said there's a bunch of guys that come down here all the time who are long term members of Alcoholics Anonymous you should talk to them and I made a point of talking to them I got home and I called a number in Pittsburgh to a person I never met before and I said I understand you're a member of Alcoholic Anonymous and that you're in a group of people that have made a success Can I talk to you? And I flew to Pittsburgh that afternoon to have lunch, and I sat down after that with a bunch of men. Clancy was one of them. They meet every year in Naples, and John McHugh is now dead, and my great-grandsponsor who died with 42 years of continuous sobriety was sober in 1945 when Alcoholics Anonymous had 5,000 people in the world. and he taught me more about Alcoholics Anonymous than I had learned in all the meetings I'd gone before and here's what he said to me he asked me how I felt three years sober and I said I felt terrible and he said why do you think you feel terrible son he didn't say goof this old fool he said son why doyou think you feel so bad you've been sober for three years I said because AlcoholicsAnonymous doesn't work for me like it works for others He said, what do you know about Alcoholics Anonymous? I said, John, I know a lot about Alcoholic Anonymous. I've been to a thousand meetings. He said Frank, what does going to a thousand meetings have to do with knowing anything about Alcoholix Anonymous He said well, John I go there all the time He said Frank, going to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous is like putting a chair in a chicken coop sit in that chair an hour a night every night seven nights a week and see if you become a chicken He said, what do you think Alcoholics Anonymous is about? I said, it's about not drinking. He said whoever told you that? I said everybody knows it's about not drink and he said whoever told you that? He said everybody. He said here's the book show me where it says do not drink alcohol. He said you know what the book says drink he says drink it says in this book called Alcoholics Anonymous you want to argue you want a fight you want deny drink drink continue to experiment try some social drinking drink and when you're convinced come back here here. He said, Alcoholics Anonymous presumes sobriety. That's not the end of Alcoholics Anonymous. Sobriety is not the ending. It's the beginning. You have to do that before you can take these steps. He says what you say. He pointed out to me early on, and I tell the beginners this cold, I'm not in here to get a big number of people. And I think sometimes in Alcoholics Anonymous. We sell Alcoholics Anonymous out to attract them. Do what you want. Believe what you watch. Just keep coming. I don't do that. I'm from the old school, the hard school. I tell them from the beginning. You think it's hard to come here, newcomer? Newsflash. It's harder to stay here than it is to come her. Newsflask. More people leave Alcoholics Anonymous, then stay in Alcoholics Anonymous. That's fact. You don't see it when you're a year sober, six months sober, three years sober. By the time you're 15 years sober or 20 years sober, you see at the back door they're going while they're coming in the front door. Does that mean AlcoholicsAnonymous doesn't work? No way. AlcoholicsAnenomous works today like it worked in 1939 when that book was published. Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. He pointed out to me the reason that most people will make it in Alcoholics Anonymous is because they never make the distinction between the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and the program of recovery. That is the difference between life and death, this old man said to me. The difference in Alcoholic Anonymous isn't that the fellowship is wonderful. It buys us time, and it keeps us alive, and het keeps us intermingled, and et keeps us sharing. but it's like going to the hospital and not getting the operation most people that go to the hospital, no matter how wonderful the hospital is, how cordial the people are, how beautiful it is die without the operation and most alcoholics of my type talk about the steps discuss the steps, learn all the games and don't take them don't take them. He said son you're gonna die die but before you die you're gonna live for 30 or 40 years I thought to myself no I don't want to live like this for 30 Or 40 years he said the name of the game is change not not drink they're not fools and they weren't playing a hoax on us when they wrote this book if this book which tells He tells us the only thing that works, it's the only suggested program of recovery. Maybe. What are the other suggestions if those aren't appropriate? He said this whole thing is a lie. It's like you think. If don't drink is the name of the game, step one should read, read, don't drink one day at a time. And it doesn't. Those are wonderfully helpful clichés and statements that have somehow in Alcoholics Anonymous in some places replaced the program of recovery. And I almost died before I learned that. He said the name of the game is change. You've got to change so you can stand sober. Drunk's not your problem. Sober is your problem You've been sober every time before you got drunk If the name of the game was sober When you were sober, why didn't you stay sober? You were already there You've Been Sober a thousand, five thousand times You get sober, you get drunk You get sober, you gets drunk Sober precedes drunkenness If sober is the answer, all you gotta do is not drink Frank, you can't live sober because you can stand you and the world in which you live. The name of the game is change, and I wanted to change so bad, but I didn't know how. And I was afraid to change because I thought it hurt. If you're new, I'm going to tell you a secret. There is no pain in change. Change is painless. The only pain associated with change is in your resistance to change. That's true, because he said it, not because I said it. The only thing in change is my resistance to changes. Surrender is painless. painless. And I believe that. You know, I thought when I first came here, I'll wind this up. When I first come here, I thought this change had to be like a make-a-new-me. You know what? I'm almost 18 years sober now. You know where I'm starting? I don't know the answers. I think I've identified a lot of the questions. But I don' t think that change means to make a new me anymore. I think change means don't put shit in my life if you're married be married if you don't want to be married don't be married don't lie don't cheat don't hit don't punish don't terrorize just don't do those things and change your courage don't know what I have to do and that's That's how he explained it to me, and I'll tell you this. Two things, and then I'll sit down. I found out that when I gave up alcohol and I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I never gave up a thing because I'm going to conduct an experiment for you and it works and you're new. Remember the test tube? If that's you, when you take alcohol out of that test tube, you're left with you. And if you're like me and you can't stand you, Sooner or later, you've got to try to dilute it again. Here's the magic of Alcoholics Anonymous. The actions of change, those steps, if you put those steps in those test tubes, you know what happens? Fear goes away. You put the actions of the steps in your life, anxiety goes away, guilt goes away., remorse goes away,, and when you stop pouring it in, It's stark to intensify again. And that's why I understand that Alcoholics Anonymous is a continual program of maintenance and growth and sustenance. Last thing I'm going to say, I don't want this to be controversial. I have a different God. I don'T know what He looks like. I DON'T know if it's a him or her. It's a force. I DON't understand God. I DONT understand religion. I DON' know what it is. Here I'm 18 years sober and I'm admitting that. I DON''t know. Oh, but I know that good is better than evil. Right is better and wrong. Order is better in disorder. I know this. I know it. And that's God. And I don't think God's ever wanted to punish me. I don' t think I've ever been doomed. I don''t think anything offends God. Maybe one thing. When I fail, that does not offend God. I think when I refuse to get up and try again, I offend God, maybe. I don ''t know. but I don't think I don' t want to play a semantic game you hear it this is a gift I don''t know that I don ''t believe that maybe it is and if you believe it, it is because this is what''s wonderful about Alcoholics Anonymous we can share our opinions you don'' t have to be right or wrong and ifyou don'''t believe this you are as right as you are and maybe I am too I don'T believe that God picks and choose who makes it in AlcoholicsAnonymous What kind of God would that be? If there's a God, that God's got to be without prejudice. It's gotto be perfect love. And Chuck used to say, we're all God's kids. I believe that. If that's true, does God pick and choose? God says, let's see. John, you're going to stay sober for three years. Then you're gonna get drunk and then you're going to kill a little girl in the car and then You're going To Kill Yourself Over Remorse. Sorry, John. You're Going To Come, The Alcoholics Anonymous, You're Gonna Be 19 Years Old. 20 Years Later, You're Gone To Be The Youngest 20-Year Sober Person In Your Community And They're GoingTo Have You Speak At The 22nd Anniversary Of The Boca Raton Convention On Sponsorship. God, Won't That Be Wonderful. Good Luck, Young Man. You're going to come and go, come and go. One day, I don't mean this, you're never going to come back. What kind of God would do this? So when people say there but for the grace of God go I, I say to myself what are we talking about? Well that poor person didn't get the gift. Well yeah I don' t believe that. I believe that God gives every human being the same amount of grace. He has to, if he's loved. He's got to give you the same grace I get and you get the same race as she gets. Then why do you make it and you don't? Maybe. I don't know. These are questions. I don'T have the answers. Maybe because you act upon God's grace and maybe you don'T. And I once didn't and I almost died. I now do and I'm alive. life. I'm not a finished product. I don't know what I'm going to be tomorrow. That's what Alcoholics Anonymous is. Alcoholics Anonymous is an adventure in living. I am the best me I have ever had and I am not a finished product, maybe I will get better or maybe I'll get worse, I don' t know. But what a wonderful thought that there is nothing impossible for me to do about me. The day I took my fifth step, I was as clean as the day I was born. No more garbage, no more secrets, no more guilt. That man looked at me that day and he said, Frank, you are pure. Now the choice is this, Frank. Fill the bag with crap or don't. The choice is yours. And I thought to myself, off. I've got a new chance at living. If you're new, do it. Don't talk about it. It's better to live a good program than talk a good program. I almost died finding that out. Thank you very much.