That’s a List of My Finer Qualities — Anybody Want to Date? 🤣 – Wayne B.

I'm Wayne Butler, I'm an alcoholic. I want to thank Ray and the committee who ever was invited me to participate in this meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous while I was attending an international convention. I love AA. I can't believe how difficult it's been for me just to walk around. I'll go five yards and I'll hear somebody say Baldy or some other nicknames I'm not going to share from the podium because I don't like them and you know how sensitive we are. That's the new don't let me go there, God. So if I do that, I mentioned I love AA. That's probably any time I share the single most important thing that I have to suggest to you about my life is how much I truly love AA. My sponsor, my first sponsor, Barney, he was an interesting character. He would say, ask not what AA can do for you, ask what AA can do for you. So I figured Nixon was his sponsor. I'm historically incorrect. We all knew it was John Kennedy. But when I was in the psych ward, they would ask me who the president was and I knew I was going to get a shot because I had no idea. I mean, that's an unfair question to ask somebody like me. President of what would be my response? I love AA. And if you ever see me not do what I'm doing and not being grateful for it, I'm not going to do it. I'm going to be grateful for it and not having some semblance of enthusiasm, then you might suggest to me that I really don't love AA, that I love what AA does for me. But if you see me continue to be of service and to sponsor people and place the steps as the active ingredient in my sobriety, well, then you know I truly do love AA. Because Norm Alpey said, what you do speaks so loud I can't hear a word you're saying. And I absolutely believe that. I believe that I want to express the idea that I love AA rather than tell you, because I've been a liar my entire life. My lips move, I'm lying. I don't know why that is. I don't mean to lie. It's just that life is boring without a good law. I mean, try to have a conversation with the earth people. I mean, I can't keep up with them. I mean, the first thing they do is they say, I went to law school and I have to lie because I graduated the retarded class. And they never want to talk about that. And they don't really care about my struggles. They just make up stories. And one of the greatest things that I had to do was unlearn all those old ideas that I came into AA with. Before I get sidetracked, I just want to say hello to everybody that I see a lot of familiar faces in here where I've met you and we've, I hate to use this term, it's kind of hokey, but broke bread with in Alcoholics Anonymous. And some I know better than others. But when I see your face, I was walking over there to say hi to Gene and I ran into Jack and I rubbed his head. And I said, okay, I can talk now. I rubbed the Buddha. I mean, we're a great fellowship here. And if you're new here and you're at your first international, you're in for a rocket ride if you haven't seen it already. In the book, it talks about you will be rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence. And I want you newcomers to know that that happened, in my opinion, the day you come into AA. It's just, it'll take you a while to see the boat, the rocket. You got the fuel. It's called intense neurosis. Now, I'm taking my own inventory, by the way. I'm about a half a bubble out of plum on any kind of a good day. They asked me to talk a little bit about the doctor's opinion. And I'm of the experience that I will weave that into my regular story because I believe the most important thing that I have to offer in Alcoholics Anonymous, probably the only thing I have to offer is my personal experience. I have many opinions, but so do you, and we just have to go to war. So I'm going to try to leave my opinions out of this. I don't believe this place right here is a place for my opinion. Because I know you newcomers. The old-timers know this is no big deal. You just know that I'm just another drunk. And I want more than to you to know that. I want to remember that. I want to remember I'm just a drunk. I'm not better than nobody. But the most important thing is I'm not less than anybody. And I think that that's what holds me in good stead today because I came in here feeling worse than everybody. I had a friend tell me that I had a pride problem in reverse. Says, you don't think you're the best. You think you're the worst. And that's sort of the same thing. You still got it? You got to prove it on a daily basis. And you got to go after the people that feel worse than you and make them sure that they know that you're worse than them. I mean, I'm an over-under achiever. That hasn't changed a lot. It is not any mistake in my mind at all to know that you love me because of who I am, not because of what I've done. Many of you know my story. I've met many of you on the high road of AA. You know me personally. And you know that a good friend of mine said something about that, that I'm a simple man, and I truly am. And for those of you who know me and love me, I appreciate that because I've always just wanted to be loved for who I am, good, bad, and indifferent. And AA is the first place I've been able to come in the condition I'm in and have people of respect say to me, keep coming back. Now, they didn't know me just yet when they said keep coming back. But I came to AA in November 1972. I had no way, what would I know about the doctor's opinion? It wouldn't mean nothing to me. And when I read it in the big book at first, it didn't mean anything to me. If you're new in this room, I want you to know that it began to mean nothing to me. I want you to know that it began to mean nothing to me. I want you to know that it began to mean something to me after I came around AA for a while. Thank God that AA is what AA is and allows people like me chance after chance after chance, even when I don't deserve another chance. I know that I'm blessed. I know we're all blessed in this room. I'm one who acted in such a way in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings that I, if anybody, probably deserved to be extricated from AA. And I say extricated because I wasn't willing to leave. I heard you say you had no rules, so I tested you to the limit. I'm a slipper, by the way. Any other slippers in here? Come on, don't make me feel alone. I'm a slipper. I'm not ashamed of it. That's just what I am. Although I haven't slipped for 22 years, 7 months, and about 19 days. But I most certainly could slip tomorrow. I could slip tonight. And I don't want you newcomers to think I live in fear of that because I don't. It's just a conscious awareness that I have that I have a daily reprieve and it's definitely contingent upon the maintenance of my spiritual condition. If I don't grow, I'll go. I know that absolutely. And I'm not ashamed of it. I'm not ashamed of it. I'm not ashamed of it. I'm not ashamed of it. And so I'm here this weekend not to do this. I'm here for me. I'm here to absorb as much Alcoholics Anonymous as I can because I know that there's no AA checking account. It's what I get today. What I did last week, last month, last year, in my experience, has nothing to do with the day except the ability to pass it on. What keeps me sober today is the actions I take and don't take today. Sometimes it's those things I don't do are more difficult than the things I do do, if you know what I mean. I love to drink. I've got to tell you, I love to drink. I love Budweiser. I love Budweiser. I love Budweiser. I love Budweiser. I love Budweiser more than life itself. I mean, when they've got a Budweiser commercial on TV, you know how it's real hot right now and you can see the sweat beating down the side of the mug, you know what I'm saying? And I just get on all fours and walk up to the TV screen and just lick it a little. Dave, is that a slip? When I see the Clydesdales in a parade, I weep. We was driving over here yesterday, T.J. was driving, and I saw this giant Budweiser billboard and I said, T.J., slow down! I've got to have a moment of silence. Interestingly enough, I don't like to taste alcohol. I never drank whiskey, but once I drank one shot of whiskey, it burned going down, it burned coming up back through my nose. I don't drink whiskey no more. I drank tequila one time and uninfluenced tequila almost killed my entire family. So I don't drink tequila no more. Budweiser. And I have to tell you something. If you're new in this room, I want you to hear this. If I could go over to Larry's Oasis right now. Larry's Oasis, I'm a saloon drinker, and I love the bar room. I love everything about it. Larry's Oasis, I'm a saloon drinker, and I love the doorknob. I mean, as soon as I touch the doorknob of Larry's Oasis, I begin to experience a sense of ease and comfort. I really do. If I could walk in there right now, put a quarter in a jukebox and play Midnight at the Oasis, put your camels to bed. I'll go over and put a quarter on the pool table, and then Larry will have my long neck Budweiser set up on the bar. Now, if I could walk over there and drink just two and leave on time, I would not need to be here this weekend. But something happens to me. I look around and I notice Rusty jumped my quarter on the pool table, which requires me to hit him with a pool cue. I don't mean to. That's my reaction. I'm sorry after it happened. And then I've got to have another drink. And then my wife calls me, and Larry, of course, says he's not here. And then two hours later, she shows up in a cab with an attitude. If I could go there and have that not happen, I'd be there because that would suggest that I'm normal. And then the doctor's opinion, Dr. Silkworth painted. And I want to take an aside here. Let me suggest something to you. AA is now 65 years old. We are the only thing in 65 years out of 5,000 years of recorded history that has offered you and I a way up and out of our despair. I've got to suggest something to you. I've got to suggest something to you. If science would have found a way to disprove the doctor's opinion, it would be changed. but they haven't been able to find any way in 65 years of disproving what's in our basic text of Alcoholics Anonymous. And so I'm just going to sidestep all that extraterrestrial or external stuff. Was that kind and loving? I think I'd be remiss if I didn't mention this. I was reading a paper this morning. I mean no disrespect. I mean no harm to anybody. But I remember when moderation management started. Remember that? That social drinking club? Please don't take this the wrong way, but I read in a newspaper this morning where the founder of that program has just pled guilty to two counts of manslaughter from drunk driving. Now I don't mean that for any disrespect, but I'm going to tell you something. I get ideas about new age thinking, like O'Doul's. I remember I called my sponsor once and said, do you think I'd have one of them sharps beers? And he says, if you'd like to put a cutting edge in your sobriety date. So he took me to the book. I said, oh come on, there's only an itty bitty bitty bitty bit in it. He said, let's go see what Dr. Silk wears. Then he showed me right there where it says the only, I'm going to paraphrase, the only solution we have to suggest is entire abstinence from alcohol in any form at all. In any amount at all. My sponsor said you can have all the O'Doul's you want when they change that. It's only got to wait about 65 more years. The doctor's opinion leaves no loopholes for a guy like me because they knew people like me would try to find one, I believe. I don't know why. I know I can't drink. I'm a non-drink. And I'm just so grateful that the doctor's opinion is still in the big, even though it's in italics people that doesn't mean it's less important than when it was in the second edition in the numbered pages. The doctor's opinion is very clear. I suffer from an abnormal reaction to alcohol. It says in there that I drink essentially because I like the effect produced by alcohol and that's why I drink. And then my body for some inexplicable reason sets up a craving beyond my human capacity to stop it. What that means is, I drink a lot of beer. Now that's an oversimplification. If you remember, I was in the retarded class. There's a thing that the doctor talked about, physical craving and the mental obsession. If you're new in this room, my understanding of that is is mental obsession. Obsession is a constant, ongoing preoccupation with an idea, which means I think about drinking all the time. Well, when I was new, that was true, but I don't have that mental obsession today. I have a more dangerous one that Silkworth talked about. You've got to read into it. It doesn't say it exactly the way I'm going to say it, but trust me, it's there. I'll paraphrase. I don't want to memorize the big book. I'm afraid I'll get so intelligent I'll have to float out of AA. I'll notice Bill and Bob's picture on a wall, and I'll see mine floating up between them. I'm not the only one in this room who would like to be the tri-founder of AA. Don't lie to me. I almost had a depression because I never got to meet Bill W. and say I saw him in a meeting. I don't mean that in no negative way. I had a resentment. He died in 71, and I came to AA in 72, and I thought I had no chance. I really did. I don't know if any of you ever thought like that, but I was as delusional as we can be. I was psychiatrically institutionalized 17 times before and after I came to AA. I was institutionalized more after I met you people. What's that suggest? I've been in 17 psychiatric institutions, and I loved every single one of them. I truly did. How many other paper slipper slushers have we got in here? I'm going to tell you why I like the psych ward. Don't be offended. Given the way I drank, and in case you slip you'll want to know this because it gets lonely out there. Given the way I drank and the way I acted, I couldn't get a date to save my life. If you put me in a psych ward and I had a 50-50 shot. Closest I've seen to that is an AA dance. I mean no disrespect. I'm going to tell you how to do it in case you slip. Psych wards I was on, they brought the little paper cups right out onto the floor with the meds. I mean they line you up, and they dispense your medication. I don't know if there's anybody else out here. Anybody else? Anybody else had Thorazine? They pumped enough Thorazine into me to keep me slowed down until I'm 210. Well I know. See here's what it did to me. It did not do a thing to slow down the speed of my thinking, but my feet would never catch up. Well if it did it to me, I knew it did it to you girls too. So I watched the girls take their Thorazine and I waited. I timed it because I knew in about an hour I was going to get a date. Couldn't outrun me. I love AA. Where else could I go? Share that story and have you laugh. By the way, laughter is identification. Welcome to AA. November 1972, I had no idea what was wrong with me. I had no idea about the doctor's opinion. The reason I drink is this abnormal reaction to alcohol. They call it the effect produced. How would I know anything about that? I just know when I drink something happens at an unconscious level. I'm glad I got to hear Chuck Seed talk when I was new because he talked about conscious and unconscious separation. Clancy talked at that same convention. And he talked about the emotional separation. The emotional disorder that went with it. I had the best of both worlds. I might not have got to hear Bill and Bob, but I got to hear Chuck and Clancy. My first three weeks sober. And they talked about the same thing with different words. That took me a while to react to it. But I heard it. Chuck talked about conscious and unconscious separation. And how that left me powerless. And how alcohol at some level of being allowed me to act extemporaneous. Boy, isn't that a cool word? It's not bad for a guy who graduated with retarded kids. By the way, don't be offended. I didn't get offended by that either. I did. I went through high school in a retarded class. I got diagnosed severely retarded in ninth grade. I lived in an alcoholic home. Does that suggest anything? I lived in an alcoholic home. And I don't want to tell you much about my family because I don't want to disrespect their memory. They were doing the best they could. And I cleaned up my side of the street. And we're not here for that. I'm not here to tell you about what my parents did to me. I can't stay sober if I stay a victim. I really believe that. So I have to move past that. My daddy died from untreated alcoholism. He had four years sober. And I'll tell you this much. He slipped on a Miller Lite. And he tried to get me to... I'll tell you about that in a minute. And he died four years after... Or a year and a half after he took that drink after four years of sobriety. My mom died from untreated Al-Anonism. And I don't want to tell you more about it. If you come from an alcoholic home, you know where I've been. You know how I feel. You know what I've gone through. And that's enough. I want them to know that if they ever want to come to AA, that they don't have to live down anything I've told you about them. I think that they should have the same free chance of getting well as I have without any prejudgment of any kind. So hopefully they'll find their way here and dig into this gold mine that I've been so fortunate to slide into and discover. But if you do want to know a little bit about my family, I'll tell you this much. Just watch Jerry Springer for about a week. It's like a Butler family reunion. The good Dr. Silkworth gives some symptoms. And then they're expanded upon throughout the big book and into 12 and 12 when they realize that those symptoms would be beneficial to you and I. They talk about a set of symptoms that go around the condition known as alcoholism. And it's great. It's good to know the ism because the alcohol that produced the effect had to do with that ism. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I was out of my ever-loving mind when I came to AA. And they put me in this room and I looked around at you and I of course knew there was something wrong with you. And I drank. I drank. I could not go to meetings and not drink. I couldn't do it. I had no idea why. November 1972, I went to my first meeting. I'd been living in a dumpster. It got too cold to stay there. I broke into this abandoned car and started getting two sausage sandwiches on whole wheat toast from a waitress at Harvey's restaurant in Moline, Illinois. The owner of that restaurant was a little guy named Harvey who was in this thing called A&A. Now Harvey was this little guy, had this giant nose. It had, I mean, I never saw this before. It's like the end of it looked like bombs had gone off. It just looked like a lot of, no offense. And he had red and black and purple blood veins showing underneath his nose. And I swear to God, when his heart beat, his nose thumped. I may have been there for a handout, but I wasn't that ugly. Now at that time, I didn't have a car. I didn't have a car. I didn't have any teeth, mine or yours. I had no teeth. I was ashamed of myself, though I couldn't tell you that. And this little 80-year-old waitress took pity on me, and she cut me a deal. She told me if I'd mop and wax the floor, she'd give me those sausage sandwiches. And then one night she introduced me to old Harvey. Old Harvey said, I've got a thing called the disease of perception. I know you've heard that. Clancy talks about the disease of perception. But let me explain to you before I talk about the good doctor what that means to me. Some of you have heard this, but it hasn't changed. I understand the disease of perception this way. If you're new in the room, and you wonder what we're talking about, this is my experience with it. When I was newer, my sponsor took me to a meeting in Chicago, Illinois, called the Mustard Seed Group. Any mustard seeders here? I know there are. I know a bunch of them. Because the police were looking for me in Moline. So my sponsor took me to AA in Chicago. And that's where I met TJ. I met him years later. Thank God I didn't meet him at first. There was a meeting with about 300 people in it, in this long, narrow building. I guess it was an anniversary or something. And I was about three minutes sober. And my sponsor was sitting in the front row about where these fellows are. And he was sitting next to the old-timers, you know, the winners. And they had me and the other losers in the second row. My opinion is that he wouldn't have to look at the disease. And I was sitting next to my best friend Jim. I'd known him three minutes. And there was a guy up here speaking from New York City, talking about the anniversary of the Mustard Seed Group. And I felt the need to critique him. Just like some of you are right now. Yes, you are. Don't lie. So he's talking, and my sponsor's sitting right in front of me. You ever seen that sponsor twitch? Like when you're bugging them? They do. They watch them. They do. So this guy was talking, and I wouldn't believe in a word he was saying. I mean, after all, I've been going to AA for five years drunk. I do know what I'm doing. And this speaker's speaking, and I know he's got to be lying. So as he talks, I'm nudging Jimmy, and I'm louder then than I am now without a microphone. I'm just out loud. I don't care if there's 300 people in the room. I'm up front. What do I do? I don't care. Besides, it's all about me, me, me, me. The we in me. So he's talking, and I said, Jimmy, that guy's a liar. He couldn't have drank like that. His guts would fall out. And I saw the twitch. It was starting. And the guy talked on, and he said something else. I said, oh, Jimmy, he's such a liar. He couldn't have done that. He'd be locked up in a psych ward. I know. I've been there 17 times, Jimmy. Jimmy? He was getting restless. He was irritable. He was discontent. I could tell. Then that speaker said something else. And I said, oh, Jimmy, he's a... How could New York let him come out here and talk? He's such a liar. If he'd have done that, he'd be locked up in prison for the rest of his natural life. I know they're looking for me right now. I guess Barney got sick and tired of hearing me. He turned around and looked me right in the eye. And here's what I heard him say in front of 300 people. Shut up, you goddamn loser. You ain't got a thing to say we want to hear. And if we ever think you do, we'll come out that abandoned car we pulled you out of, we'll tilt your little horn and invite you in to share. Now, until you hear that horn, sit there, keep your big, fat mouth shut early. That's what I heard him say. Come to find out, here's what he really said. So that's kind of what we mean by disease of perception. So Harvey took this brass coin out of his pocket, and he showed me these two A's on one side. Who knows? And on the other side, it had this prayer, God grant me something. It didn't say nothing about money, food, or anything like that. Food or shelter, so I really didn't care. But I wanted to humor the old man. He says, you take this coin. Now, here's what he really said. You take this coin down to 16th Street, 416 16th Street, and you tell these people, they're friends of mine, that Harvey sent you, and they're going to help you. Now, what I heard him say was, if you go down there, we know you're broke, they'll give you some pocket dough. And they know you're hungry, they'll give you some free food. And three or four packs of Phil Mill tailor-made cigarettes. I swear to God, that is the only reason I went there the next day, because that's truly what I heard. I was hungry. And I went there the next day, 416 16th Street, Moline, and found the building. He told me it'd be in the cellar, of course. I don't want to get too lofty here. And he said there'd be a light bulb hanging on a cord. He said if it was on, go in. They're expecting it. If I wasn't desperate, I'd have never went. But I got there, and I saw the light bulb hanging on the cord in the basement hall, and right above the building, on the side of the building, was a sign put there by the city that said, Building Condemned. Do not enter. Right beneath it was another sign pointing into the basement. AA 16th Street, welcome. I had to make a decision. And I looked for the light bulb, and I found it, but it wasn't on. It was flickering. Do you hear me? Now, if you're an alcoholic like me, you're going to get it right away. Harvey said if it was on, go in. Go in. He didn't tell me what to do if it was flickering. And I stood there staring at that light. It seemed like an eternity. I could not go in. I couldn't figure out if the building condemned or ain't it. Why ain't the light on? And I finally went over to Larry's Oasis and had a drink. And after I have a few drinks, I don't care. But I never forgot for a minute what Harvey told me. I knew I was going back there because I wanted my freebie. I had no idea that the head doesn't matter to what the heart hears. If you're new in this room, he wasn't talking to my head. Like every AA member in here, we're talking to the heart. And that's the only... Now I know today that that's the only reason I went back. It wasn't for that handout. I could have got that anywhere. But I went back. And I looked down them cellar doorways and I thought, what the heck? I went charging through that doorway anyway. I'm six foot three. I failed to notice that doorway was five-ten-ish. And I hit the door header right across my eyebrow. And it literally knocked me off my feet and I slid into my first meet, the Val College 9. I'm looking up from the floor and here's this old man looking down at me, got up out of his chair. There's about six or seven old men sitting at that round table I figured waiting to die. And I slid right between two of them. And this one gets up and he goes just like this. Then he says, slide right in here, dummy. That's what I heard. He says, we got a wrench to fit every nut that comes in the door. I didn't like him right away. And I reached down to get that .357 out of my boot. And then he said, dummy. I said, my name's Wayne. He says, I got a wrench to fit every nut that comes in the door. I said, I got it. Dummy, you know how they are. That's what I heard. He said, I'm going to be your sponsor. And you know what saved his life? Now those of you from the Midwest, you're going to know right away why. See, I played baseball. I've been in the bowling leagues. Sponsors pay for everything. I don't have time to go into all that, but I will tell you this. I got up off my floor and stuck my head right up his butt. I followed him everywhere. He couldn't get rid of me. It's like he needed turn signals on his hips to keep him from breaking my neck. He ruined the day. He said, go with me wherever I go. I was there. And I drank for five years. I went to meetings. I drank before meetings. I drank after meetings. And God helped me. I drank during meetings, but I couldn't stand the hugs and the smiles anymore. That doesn't make me a bad person. That makes me a sick case of alcoholism. If you ever find a gathering like this where a drinking drunk's not allowed to come in and sit and listen to the message, no longer is that AA. In my opinion, that's a gathering of people who forgot where they came from. I do want to suggest this to you in case you're one of the new ones that slipped like me and you're drinking. We do want you to behave. We want you to behave while you're here. That was my problem. See, I could either drink or I could behave. I just couldn't do it simultaneously. I came into my home group four years drinking. And I remember you told me that to help me help you, follow this. So I was down at Larry's Oasis near meeting time, drinking. And I wanted to go to a meeting to feel good because if you help me, it makes you feel good. You tracking? Doctors call that loose association. So I went to the meeting and I walked in. I was spiritual. I was getting ready to let you help me so you'd feel better. And I walked in during the meeting and you seemed to get upset with me. When authority approaches me, I don't know if something happens to my spiritual development. And I come walking in and disrupted the meeting. And one of the old timers got up and said, you've got to quiet down. You're distracting the meeting. And I looked at him and I was going to shake his hand until he said that. And I looked at him and I said, I don't want to. And he said, another one got up and said, you've got to sit down. You're disrupting this meeting. And I said, I don't want to. Another one got up and said, you've got to leave. You're welcome to come back tomorrow. We don't kick anybody, anybody out of AA. But we do have a right to an undistracted, undisturbed message. You have to leave. And I looked at him and I said, you can't make me. Oh, yes they can. You see that old boy back there in the red tank top that's trying to hide behind that girl? Oh, hell yeah. Might have been you. About four guys his size. Each one grabbed an arm and a leg. Talked some goofy newcomer into holding the door open. I noticed as I flew right by. Just as I was about to land out in the middle of 16th Street, I heard one of the old timers yell out, keep coming back. God, I hated them. And I kept coming back. I came into a meeting one night. I'm not proud of this. This is just what I did. I'd been going to meetings for about four and a half years and I walked into the meeting and I heard my sponsor yell out, hey dummy. I said, what? He said, do you know this person? This program tends to work better if you don't drink. I never heard that. I did then. And I thought he was saying I could never drink again. And I guess my mind couldn't take it. And I turned around and I pulled that .357 out and I pointed it at my sponsor's face and I fired a round off. Could think Barney was short. They say if Barney would have been six foot tall, he'd be six foot under. I came to the next morning. I was at Francis County Mental Health Center in Rock Island, Illinois. It was my 17th trip to the psych ward. I was strapped. I was strapped down on a six point leathery string to a steel bed in the center of a padded room. Black and blue from head to toe from a little AA group therapy. They did it with love. The reason I share that story is twofold. One, the attendance of God in that situation. And two, it was what made me fall in love with AA because I had a visitor that morning. You know who it was? Yep. Could not get rid of him. He was like a maggot on a mission. I mean, he walked in there and I'm waiting to be told what a loser I am. I'm waiting to be told how no good I am. I'm waiting to be told I've been kicked out of AA. And all he says, he walks around looking at me on face up, naked, tied down, broke up from the floor up and he goes, he said, dummy. What I heard, he said, there's something wrong with you. I don't even know if you're an alcoholic. You might just be nuts. And I'm thinking, wait till I get out of here, pal. I know where you live. And it's like he had ESPN. He says to me, you know what? I don't know if they're going to let you go. They're talking about keeping you and studying you a while. He said, but it's my opinion if and when they do let you go, if you come with us and do what we did and still do, you can recover too. Did you hear that? From that day to this day, I've not had a word of judgment from him. He's never once told me what he thought I was. He invited me back to AA. And I remember, I mean no disrespect by this, I remember when my home, my group conscious was a little bit scared. They wanted to kick me out of the group, but to me that was AA. And so they invited me to a group conscious meeting. I went. If you're going to get me, you're going to do it in front of me. So they're all, they're taking a vote to boost me out. And I'm not holding judgment. They had every right to do that. Do you hear me? It was a unanimous vote, save one. You know who it was? Barney. Who here would have him leave if I won't? My God, I fell in love with AA. Over and over. I didn't deserve that chance. Some people would think I do, but I know what I was. The book says it clearly. An alcoholic in his cup is an unlovely creature. Remember I asked my sponsor one time, I said, weren't you afraid of me? Weren't you scared? He said, I ain't afraid of you. I said, really? I am. He said, it's in the book. You know, the book, the book, the book. I was so sick of the book. I didn't know what the book was, but I was sick of the book. He said, it's in the book. It's in the book. In the book. Screw the book! It was in the book. It says, we do not need to fear to go to the most sordid spot on earth to carry this message, for God will keep us unharmed. And he said, Dunny, you are the most sordid spot I've ever been. I had a love of AA. I took my last drink November 8th. Up until today, I can't speak for tomorrow. I believe if I continue to do what I'm doing today, I'll be okay. But I'm not going to be so cocky and self-assured to think that I can leave here today and just know for sure I'm going to be sober tomorrow. I'd like to believe that, but I've seen too many people fell from alcoholism who thought they had it made. And so I'm just going to... I don't know if it's humility or a clear recognition. I just... I don't trust myself. I'd rather be with you guys. Let me tell you about the doctor's opinion. In there, it talks about this abnormal effect produced. Now, I know exactly why I drank. I know exactly why. And I know I don't want to ever drink again. And now I know what I have to do to keep from picking up that first drink. But I didn't know all those things when I was new. Dr. Silford talks about this ism thing. It's expanded upon by Dr. Harry Tebow, Reverend Sam Shoemaker, Father Ed Dowling, collectively in the 12 and 12. They give a set of symptoms that predispose me to this thing called alcoholism. And I want to share them with you in case you're in this room and you're new. You might not know. That ism is called... There's a lot of acronyms for ism, like I self-admint. I sponsor myself. I tried that. Save yourself. I like the one that's in the big book. I'm paraphrasing. Internal Spiritual Maladjustment. It says in my book that I've got a soul sickness. I didn't know what that meant. I thought she was trying to give me religion. I've been sprinkled, dunked, and damned near ground in every religion there is. No offense, man. And I had no idea why I couldn't get it. I've been baptized in every faith you can come up with. The ones I could find. And it didn't take. Not because there's anything wrong with them. But because there's nothing wrong with me. I'm bodily and mentally different from my fellows. And isn't it interesting that I was always... I was always going to the people I was bodily and mentally different from. And I believe from my own experience, the reason I failed was because I kept going to people unlike me. But how would I know? I'm engulfed in the symptoms. How could I know? And how can they know? Because they are not of our... I'm going to borrow a word from Tom B. Silk. Now, that means my makeup. I'm going to people out there that inflate my symptoms. Do you hear me? Because when I go into their office, I feel different. When I come here, guess what happens? You begin to relieve me of the symptoms and bondage of myself because you are like me. I may not appreciate that sometimes. We are people who normally would not mix. I always wanted to go, really? Just look around. There's a thing called the internal spiritual maladjustment. I'll tell you where it's at in case you want to check me out. I want to get through because I've got like 5 or 10 minutes left. Internal spiritual maladjustment. On page 53, it said, God is everything or God is nothing. God either is or He isn't. What's my decision to be? Now, if God offends you, let me help you. I'll ask you for a minute. My sponsor offered me the three gods of AA. He said, you're going to need more than one. You are so sick. And he said, since you're a little retarded, we'll break it down. G-O-D. Then he showed me in the book. The book. The book. The book. G-O-D. Good, orderly design for living. If you follow this plan of action, it will afford you a good, orderly design for life. G-O-D. There's a power there. Then he took me into 12 and 12. G-O-D. Good, orderly direction. When I become, willing to take advice and accept direction, I will then be set on a course to straight thinking, solid honesty, and a generalized humility. And then he shared my favorite G-O-D. Group of Drunks. See, when I'm with you, I'm not with me. You hear me? See, when I'm not with you, I'm left with me and I'm not alone. Should be a neighborhood watch sign right there. On page 55, it says, deep down inside, every man, woman, and child has a fundamental idea of God. The power. I lack power. The fundamental idea of God is the power that I get to tap into with you. One plus one. You know AA math? One plus none is none. That's when I'm alone. One plus one equals three. That means when I mix with you, God comes into the picture. One plus one equals three. I don't ever want to forget that. Because there's days I wake up, I'm home alone. Wayne's World. Nobody wants to play with me. And on page Roman numeral 24, it says, quote, I am maladjusted to life in full flight from reality and outright mental defective. Thank you, Dr. Silkware. That's my hope for the future. Now, you might want to know how those symptoms affect me. When I tell you I'm an alcoholic, here's what they're really suggesting to me. When I tell you I'm an alcoholic, here's what I'm really suggesting. I realize I look to you right now like I'm a full-grown, adult, mature man. In reality, I remain childish, grandiose, and gravely, emotionally immature. As a growing human concern, my natural state is one of growing anxiety, depression, and fear, coupled with an intense desire for excitement, a condition of being which is exacerbated with and complicated by an obsessive-compulsive-impulsive obsessive-controlling demanding need for attention, acceptance, and unquenchable need. And I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not qualified to approval. A condition of being which renders me restless, irritable, and discontent with life. I understand how you feel. Now, you might wonder how that restless, irritable... No, that's okay. You might understand how that affects me mentally and emotionally as a child of God. Mentally, my thought life is governed by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, all of which drive me to live my life according to selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and considered resentful and frightened motives in life. Motives which, left unattended in me, arouse and engage dangerous and life-threatening, and I said life-threatening, levels of lust. I try not to make eye contact. Pride, anger, indigree, swath, gluttony. I turn into a pig. I want it all. That renders me emotionally a bit sensitive, which means I have a strong tendency toward taking everything I see or hear personal. I don't like criticism, and I'll be danged if I could stand praise. I don't believe you. When it comes to suffering emotionally, I don't like to suffer emotionally. I don't suffer well, and I don't suffer alone. Socially, I'm a bankrupt idealist and brooding perfectionist who lives defensively and guarded in fear of being found out. As such, I tend to rationalize, minimize, justify, and deny all my actions while casting blame upon innocent people in a vigorous attempt to avoid detection. When it comes to my fellow men and women, I demand, and I said demand, the absolute possession and control of everybody and every circumstance. My response to you is, I am quick to anger. I'm slow to virtue. And I get a distinct, succinct delight and twisted pleasure out of judging and criticizing everybody I see. My outstanding characteristic is defiant. And rebellion dogs my every step. Now, as a child of God, that's a list of my finer qualities. Anybody want to date? Hold it. Let me introduce you to Nora. Nora. That's Nora. She's taken a chance on loving me. I get to love her. What happened to me to make this close up on the isms, my time's up, is if you're new, I want you to know you're going to hear those symptoms at every meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous you go to. But here's how you're going to hear them. Listen to this. I don't fit in. I don't belong. I'm not a part of. My God, what's wrong with me? I must be different. And the only thing that satisfies that restless, irritable, discontented nature in me is 4.5 Budweiser. And in a vision for you, it tells me that there's a sufficient substitute and vastly more than that. It's a fellowship in alcoholics and nonics. When I'm with you, I'm not with me. I feel normal when I'm with you. It's a scary thought. When I'm with you, I'm not different no more. Not if I don't want to be. If I can look for the similarities and ignore the differences, I fit right in here like a hand in a glove. And the symptoms of my alcoholism are put down to such a state that, number one, I don't need a drink. And number two, I don't got to run away no more. And that's what you've done for me. By coming in here, believing in both sides of sponsorship, having a home group, doing all the things we do here, I hope to God it's obvious I've taken the steps. I hope it's obvious I'm happy and in love with Alcoholics Anonymous. I hope you can tell that I'm willing to submit, commit, surrender myself on a daily basis to the AA way of life. And if you're new or perhaps you need to be renewed, I'd like to invite you all. Off of the circle and into the circle. Last night I went to a meeting in Bloomington with my sponsor and some of the fellows that are sponsored by Dick. And we went out there and we had a great time. And then we came back here and joined the fellowship here again. AA's worldwide. I can't even believe how many people I'm running into that scene across the world of Alcoholics Anonymous. Thank you for making me a part of your life. Thanks for giving me the power to have the capacity not only to love another human being, but to allow them to love me. Thanks for letting me share.