Surrender Looked Like Two Choices on the Patio — Keep Drinking or Keep My Kids – Lisa K.

everybody. Y'all ready for a meeting? All right, let's have an A meeting. My name is Kat, and I am an alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chips Speakers Meeting at the NABA Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. Tonight I was asked to be the chairperson, and I said, and I was like, well, does she want anybody to introduce her? She's like, no, I want you. So I absolutely adore this woman. She's one of these that, when you see stuff that she posts on Facebook, it's, you know, it's always happy, you know, you're always laughing at some of this stuff. And this weekend, she and I both did the bubble run. For those of you who don't know, it was absolutely fun. You ran, well, we walked through bubbles, and sometimes you just couldn't see. And her pictures were just absolutely hysterical, and obviously with 7,000 people, we didn't run into each other. So I hope you'll enjoy her story, and I cannot wait to hear it. So, have at it. Thank you, Kat. My name's Lisa. I'm an alcoholic. Where's Tim? Hey, Tim. Thank you for asking me to speak tonight, and it is absolutely an honor and a privilege to be asked to do anything in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I am beyond grateful to be here and to be sober and to be able to talk to you guys tonight. So I will start off with my story. I'm Lisa. I'm an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic. My sobriety date, which is April 8th of 2012, and my home group is First Things First in Beaufort. I have a sponsor who is sitting right here, Sharon, who read the traditions, no pressure later. She has a sponsor, and I have sponsees, one of which is sitting right here in the front row. I'm very nervous when I start off, and then I keep going, and it works out, because God works through me. But, you know, it's a little nerve-wracking to stand up here and talk to a bunch of people about your life. But I'm going to go ahead and give it a shot. So, what happened, or what life was like for me. I was born, and, thank you, Leslie. I was born, and then, you know, I thought I had a great life. You know, my home life was pretty darn good. I was spoiled rotten. I got pretty much whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it. And if I didn't get whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it, I would throw something. And then I would get what I wanted. So, I was reinforced for negative behavior very early on, you know. That is really no fault of my parents. We all parent differently. We all do the best we can with what we've got. And so, my parents fought a lot growing up. And that kind of took away from me, you know. Like, they didn't... There was no focus on me and what I was doing, because they had their own stuff going on. And because that was the case, it made it easy for me to do a lot of stuff, which I started doing early on, you know. Thirteen years old, I had my first drink. I'm sure I drank before that, you know, a sip of alcohol here and there. But I remember being drunk at thirteen, drinking four wine coolers with my friend Lisa. And they were probably really gross. But I loved them. And I loved the way it made me feel. I remember walking... Feeling like I was walking sideways through a room, and then I don't remember anything else. But I do remember waking up feeling horrible, but wanting to do it again. And that was the theme of my life and my drinking pattern for my life. And consequences came early on for me. I drank like a party girl from the minute I started drinking, because I loved it. And that's just how I live. I live out loud. And at nineteen years old, I got my first DUI. And that didn't deter me. When I was in the holding cell there, I called my dad, and I was crying. You know, and I think that he probably thought it was because of the consequences and being in jail. But I was crying because they took my jewelry. I was very upset that they took my jewelry from me. And so, it had nothing to do with the DUI or anything like that, because that's how I drank. You know, who cares? You know, just give me my car back and my jewelry, and let's go. So, that's just how I drank and how I lived. I really was very careless with everything. Kind of, take whatever you've got, you know, and I'll do whatever I want. That was how I lived my life, you know. I cared about people, but I cared about me more. And so, I did whatever was best for me. And that was the pattern through my life, too. And so, I did whatever was best for me. And that was the pattern through my life, too. Regarding the divorce. And my parents ended up getting divorced, which... That was okay. It really didn't affect me, honestly. The fighting affected me, you know, but not the divorce. You know, it's like, thank God they finally got divorced. But when they did, I was 21 years old, and I was on my way to partying. You know, partying was my career. My parents were like, what are going to do with your life? Uh, this? You're going to pay for me to do whatever I want to do, whenever I want to do it. And so, they turned me down. They did that for a while. And, you know, unfortunately, my manipulative side came through on that. You know, I was preying upon their emotions. They felt horrible about being divorced. And so, you know, I did whatever I could. And it worked like a charm, you know. So, eventually, I meet the man who is now my husband. And my partying doesn't stop. You know, I keep partying, but he probably has no idea how much I party. And I realized pretty early on that even though we go back home, I want to keep on drinking. Because, you know, come on, you know, let's keep going. That's what you do, right? That's what everybody does. I really thought that. I mean, I went to Catholic school. That's what Catholics do, you know. So, drinking was my life. And I did not realize that until I came to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Back then, my drinking was unmanageable from the beginning. And I didn't know that either. I know now that I was an alcoholic from the get-go, you know, before I took that first drink. So, meet my husband. We get married. I was 28 years old. We have our first child in 2001 and our second in 2003. And in 2002, I got DUIs number 5 and 6. And so, that was when I was married. So, my husband obviously at this point knows that I drink like that. And I don't drink just a little bit. I drink to excess. I drink blackout drunk. Not realizing that I'm blackout drunk. I'm partying. I'm having a good time. Can't you see this is fun? And he just couldn't understand it. You know, why are you so mean once you get drunk? You know, and it's sad to say I was really only mean to him. And the cops who arrested me. But, you know, because it was their fault. And so, you know, I wanted a DUI 5 and 6. And I have one child. And then eventually, you know, we have our second child in 2003. And it's a scary thing to look back on how much it ruled my life. It absolutely ruled my life in my every move. But I did not see that at the time. I thought I was doing what everybody else did. Drinking is so socially. Acceptable. You can go to a PTA meeting and say I got drunk last night. You know, it's not like they're going to frown upon that. And so that reminds me of a court hearing that I had actually for my 5th and 6 DUIs. It got rolled into one. Lucky me. In Gwinnett County in front of supposedly the hardest judge to get for DUI. And, you know, I just thought that was my bad luck. That was not my bad luck. That was because I got DUIs. Number 4. Number 4, 5, and 6. But I'm in front of this judge. And, you know, I'm telling him, but I have children. Because I finally got sentenced in 2004. And so our son was little. I have children. I have a husband. I do this. I do that. Or was I thinking about any of that when I was behind the wheel of a vehicle? And the judge didn't think so either. And he actually referred to me as a menace to society. And I was appalled. I couldn't believe it. Come on, I'm a PTA mom. How could I be a menace to society? But don't you see what I look like? So that really doesn't cut it. They don't really care about that. So I get sentenced to work release for that one. And I had to do work release for 6 months. And I've had house arrest. I've had work release. I've had jail. I've had 500,000 hours of community service. I've had to do the work alternative program. You know, picking up trash on the side of the road. And cleaning out toilets at parks. Which is really what you want to have people see and you do. Hey, people were scared of me. Because they looked at us like we were prisoners. When you're walking around with the orange vest. And the little bus that says corrections. On it. So that's fun. To have people looking at you like you're a menace to society. And I actually ended up seeing one of the women that I knew. At one of the parks. And I was like, oh, God. Because I was the only one of my friends getting in trouble like this. You know, a lot of people may have drank the way that I did. But I realize now they really didn't drink to the extent that I did. Because I was too busy worrying about me and my good time. To really care about what you were doing with yours, you know. So, you know, I think maybe after five and six and work release. That I might need to stay home and drink. And definitely not drive a car anymore. You know, that would be a good idea. But I can still drink. Because drinking is not the problem. It's the cops. You know. It's the cops that pull me over. It's my husband. It's, you know, I'm bored. I'm a stay-at-home mom. Whatever. Give me an excuse. And that's it. So, what, um. I just keep drinking. You know, I'm drinking. And that is the story of my life. And since I'm a stay-at-home mom, I can drink whenever I want. And drinking whenever you want is not a good idea. You know, because eventually what happens is you pass out with your kids there. You pass out with your kids there when your husband's out of town on work traveling. And your kids have to call your husband, who is scared to death in California. And doesn't want to call anybody because it's embarrassing to have them go wake your drunk wife up. You know. Because your kids can't get you up and probably think you're dead. And come to find out, you know, after I made amends with them and everything. They didn't say anything when I first got sober. But, um, you know, they tell me now some of the stuff. You know. Finally. They finally feel okayed enough to say some things to me. And that's hard. That's hard to hear. But I'm not there anymore. I'm not there. I'm not there. I'm not there anymore. And that's awesome. So, in 2010 I was court ordered to AA. Um, telling me to do things does not work very well. Um, I'd love to say that, you know, I walked in and thought, AA is the place for me. Yes. Because, you know, this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. Sure, I hear that. No. What I heard was every single difference in the room. I was court ordered to two meetings a week. So I did two meetings a week. Um, if I really wanted to get away from my husband, I did three. Um, but that was really my only reason, you know. Um, I did exactly and only what I was court ordered to do. I didn't really want a fellowship. I met some wonderful people. One of which is sitting right over here, my lovely Leslie. Um, but I didn't need to do what you needed to do. I could still hang out with my drunk friends and be the one drinking water. Going, ha, ha, ha. I'm not hungover. Ha, ha, ha. You know, I don't have to drink to have a good time. But on the inside, though, I was dying. And what I wanted more than anything in this world was to drink. Right along with them. But I was proving my point, right? See, I don't have to drink. I don't have to. And so that lasted about six months. Um, but I will tell you, it's four months because it was a very big deal. Um, I invited a bunch of my drinking friends into the, um, meeting. You know, because I was thinking, you know, I don't want to drink. I don't want to drink. I don't want to drink. I don't want to drink. I don't want to drink. I don't want to drink. I don't want to drink. You know, because I was picking up my four month chip. And um, so, at four months over, I had like ten or twelve of my drinking friends sitting in the back of this meeting. Wooo! You know? For my four months. Not a single ounce of humility. None. Um, but that just tells you where I was, what it looked like. Um, so needless to say, I drank again. And the scary thing is, um, I really didn't realize I was alcoholic until I drank again. I had heard some stuff, you know, and I have consequences, you know. I have consequences because I have one more. Um, but I did not think I was an alcoholic until I drank again. And when I drank again, I had my friend buy me a six-pack because I didn't want anybody from AA seeing me buy beer. Um, and I drank that six beer and I realized I needed more. And it was at that moment that I thought, uh-oh, something's wrong here. And that stunk. Because, you know, all this time I had thought, I'm stronger than all you guys. I can do whatever I want. I don't need to drink. I don't need to drink like you. You may need to drink, but I'm good. I needed to drink, and I'm not any better. Um, and that was really, it was a really hard realization, but it was also the most beautiful realization in the world. Of course, I didn't stop drinking immediately. But, um, after about six months of beating myself, um, with alcohol, um, my husband saying, is done, we're over. Um, getting myself drunk. Seventh DUI. Lucky number seven. Um, um, you know, and actually I still drank after that, you know. Who drinks after seven DUIs? This gal. Um, so, when I would drink, the room would dim. And that should have been a sign. That was the darkening of my soul. And I didn't realize that, you know, that was me blocking myself off from the sunlight of the spirit. And, um, I, I didn't realize that. You know, you just, when you're still in the problem and the problem, you have no idea there's a solution of any type waiting out there for you. And so, what I would do, is I would drink a little bit, and I would call my friend Leslie over here, who was kind enough to answer the phone. And, um, tell her about my life. Tell her what was going on with me, you know, because it's all about me. And, um, me, me, a little bit more me. And I would tell her all this stuff, and she would listen, and she was very kind to me. And she would say, honey, why don't you just go back to AA? Just go back to AA. And, of course, the reason why I did not want to go back to AA is because I didn't want to pick up another white chip. Like, I was an old timer with all of my six months. But, um, it was pride and ego, you know, all that stuff that needs to be smashed. Um. So, I would call her, and she would listen to me, and she would tell me things about AA, which is exactly what I needed to hear. And it's exactly what the big book tells us to do. It was like, it was like she opened her book and did that. Um. So, she was an angel in my life, for me. And thank you. Um. So, I would call people. You know, Leslie, obviously, but she's an AA, so she really knows I'm an alcoholic. Um. Then, I would call other people. And they would talk to me until about 9 p.m., and then nobody wanted to talk to me after that. So, you know, when you start losing people, and they don't want to talk to you so much anymore, see, that's what started stinking for me. I'm like, man, you know, I used to be such a people person. Everybody wanted to be around me. I'm so fun. I'm really fun. Life is so fun. Well, it's not fun when you're drooling down the side of your mouth, and you go in and pass out and leave them out on your patio, you know. Bye. Bye. Turn the light off when you're done. Um. So, thanks for coming. So, um. What happened was, eventually, spring break of 2012, um, I was in very bad shape. I was very bad off. And what had happened was, two months before, I'd started talking to Leslie. And so, she's dosing me with AA. And my drinking's not working anyway. My drinking is not working at all. Um. My husband's yelling at me just about every single day. My children are afraid of me. Um. The two beings in this world that I would give my life for were afraid of me. And I didn't hit them, or anything like that. But words are pretty rough. You know. And I wasn't even, like, you know, verbally slandering them. It's just, stop. Or, you know, whatever. Just drunk slur. Um. So, that. I had friends backing away from me. I had DUI number seven. So, um. Things were not looking up and up for me. And. I was talking to Leslie. And, um. She told me. You know, I was telling her that I think that I might be the problem. That I think I have a problem. It's alcohol. You're right. And she was like, do you hear that? You know. Do you hear that sound? Like, what are you talking about? The sound of your head coming out of your tuchus. That's what she was talking about. And, um. And that is what it was. It was my head coming out of my tuchus. I was starting to realize, instead of blame shifting and pointing the finger at everybody else in my life for everything they had ever done to me. Put on my big girl panties and said, I am the problem. I'm the problem. And if I'm not the problem, there is no solution. So, now what am I going to do about the fact that I'm the problem? So, spring break. 2012 was misery. Bob had taken off my husband with the children. And, um. I thought it was going to be really awesome because then I could have drank however I wanted to drink by myself. Because that's all we want to do, right? Just leave me alone so I can drink. It wasn't awesome. You know. It was still dark. It was very dark. The room was dim. My life was dark. And I called people I knew. People I had known for a really long time. And asked them about my drinking. Something had been planted in me and God was working in me and I didn't even realize it. For the first time in my life, I became so broken that the only thing that could get in was God. And I needed that so badly. I needed that more than anything in this world because nothing else was going to work. All the knowledge in the world does nothing. I can know all sorts of stuff. That doesn't matter. So, I'm talking to people and they're explaining my drinking habits to me. And one that just doesn't work. And one that didn't know my drinking habits so much. I got her to bring me alcohol. Because you know, that's what we do. And she's sitting outside with me. I remember being absolutely miserable. You know, Bob and the kids are gone. My life's in shambles. I know it doesn't look good. But, um, for some reason she decided to tell me about her mom that died of alcoholism. And I was the first person she had ever told. And her mom had been dead eight years. So, there was no coincidence with that. Um, that's an absolute God moment. And I don't take that for granted at all. That's one of the things I can look back on and go see. There he is. There he is. He's been there all along. Um, prior to that, um, I had had a run in with a couple of my neighbors because I was intoxicated. My husband was out of town and they came in and got the kids. I was right outside. Um, I didn't know it. I didn't know it. They didn't tell me. And so my kids were gone and I didn't have any idea I was gone for maybe ten minutes. And I come back in my house and my kids are gone. And, um, it was really bad. It was my fault. You know, I'm the drunk person. Bob had called them because he was concerned about our children. I can't and I don't blame him for that. I was not in fit shape, you know. Um, unfortunately and sadly. I don't like admitting that. You know, because we moms, we can do whatever. But, um, that night something within me broke. So that was the beginning of the end. Because I remember sitting down outside of my patio. And I clearly, I can still think at this moment. I've got two ways this can go. One is keep on drinking. Keep on drinking the way I want to drink for the rest of my life. Or I can keep custody of my children. That was literally the decision, the crossroads I was at. You know. Um, so, since I was at a crossroads. The turning point, if you will. You know, I had to do something. Um, or I didn't. I didn't have to do anything. But God started working. And He was working like crazy within me. So I talked to Leslie. I talked to these friends. And I talked to, you know, that girl who tells me about her mom dying. And I know that something's got to be different. I talked to another friend of mine who I went to high school with. And he said. Well, why don't you do Sunday as your sobriety date? And that was April 8th. And of that year, it was Easter. And we're Catholic. And he's like, you know, that'll be like a rebirth. You know, that'll be your day. And, um, he's not an AA. I don't even think he knows much about AA. But, um, there's another God moment. Him telling me my sobriety date. And first of all, I loved it. Because this was a Wednesday. He was telling me that. I'm like, cool. I can drink until Sunday. You know. Yes. Right. Woo! But, um, so, you know, I talked to him. And that was really such an eye-opening, amazing moment for me. Because it was almost like a freedom within me. Going, this is almost over. This is almost over. And, um, so the last time I actually drank was April 7th of 2012. And April 8th is my sobriety date. Um, April 7th is when Bob and the kids came home from spring break. Him still mad. Kids still scared. And, um, us still getting a divorce. My life was in shambles. And, um, I knew for the first time in my life that I could do absolutely nothing about it. I knew that I just had to go. I can't do it. I can't do anything about me. I can't do anything about you. But, I can go to an AA meeting. Because the seed had been planted. You know. They always talk about, it's hard to drink again. You know. At least, you know, get a good, you know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. Get a good drunk on. We already have AA. So, um, you know, I know stuff about AA at this point. And I know that's where I've got to get back to. I've got to level my pride and walk in and get that White Chip and just start. And so, I do that. I was terrified. Head down. And I remember going to Leslie's house that day and crying to her. And, you know, she's trying to talk to me about stuff in her life. And I remember saying, won't you just let me talk about myself? Just let me talk about me. And she wouldn't let me do that, which was a wonderful thing. And I can honestly tell you that since that day, self-pity has gone bye-bye. Lisa takes accountability for her actions today. And if something happens, actually, you can ask my sponsor. Is that correct? I need to run it by her first. I don't pity myself for anything I do because I am where I am because of choices I've made in my life. And when I finally did get sentenced for the seventh DUI that I was told I was going to prison for, I knew God had it. I was sitting outside of the courtroom, and I was reading the St. Francis prayer. I'd already prayed the third-step prayer about two million times. My final court date ended up being one year to the day of my DUI. And I just knew it was all in God's hands. Whatever was going to happen was going to happen. And for my seventh DUI, I paid the attorney. I paid $1,500, and I got house arrest. Now, I've been in jail, and I've been in work release multiple times. I got house arrest. And I think, thank God, you know, God is just a miracle worker. You know, he knew, you know what? What good is it going to do? She knows. And I already, you know, I'd come to the realization that if I had to go to jail, I'd just be talking to people about AA in there. That's all. I would have to bring the message in there. You know, I'm the one who did this stuff. I deserve whatever punishment I'm going to get. And they gave me a year, and I actually was very cute because I had matching ankle monitors. I had two. I didn't just have one. One was because I'm a minister of society. One was a scram device, and the other was the house arrest GPS. And I was like, you know, the paparazzi already follow me everywhere. So you don't really need the GPS. And it's really cheap to pay for two at a time, along with all the classes that you do and stuff like that. So that was neat. Hey, kids, ramen noodles again. But so, because mommy's on house arrest. I'm just kidding. But, you know, I was so grateful for whatever. And so I was sentenced to a year, and they took them off after eight months. My probation officer loved me. She was like, can you please talk to all these girls I have to see? And, you know, the fact that I was in any way, shape, or form, that I am a blessing in people's life instead of a burden, amazes me. That is what God does in my life today. What he has done is he has given me a brand new outlook on life. I do not regret the past. Sometimes I want to shut the door on it. But, you know, you can't do that. I got to look at what I've done. I got to look at what I've done to see how far I've come. I really do. Because if I'm not paying attention to that, then, you know, I'll forget stuff. And the ego comes back. And then you drink again. And I'll die. And, you know, my yet, I never killed anybody behind the wheel of a car. So I could do that. That would be really awesome. I'm so grateful that today drinking is not an option for me. Before I came to it. Before I walked through the doors to get my white chip this time. I've resigned. I've given up. Surrendered. Fully surrendered. And because I can concede to my innermost self that I'm an alcoholic and that my life's unmanageable. Because I can do that, I'm free. I'm so free. I'm free from the bondage of self. I'm free from the bondage of alcohol. I don't need alcohol to enjoy myself. I have a great time with life. And if you don't know, you can be my friend on Facebook and see me sing. I don't sing. I can't sing. But I do sing. Because I traded irritable, restless, and discontent for happy, joyous, and free. That's what I did, you know. I got the best deal of all. I love every single day of my life. I'll tell you that my husband and I, after about six months, about four, I didn't do anything with that either. I finally, seriously, completely. Gave everything to God. I didn't try to say, hey, what about this? What about this? You know, why don't we do this? I did nothing. Which is, not me. Not me. I just shut up. And he said to me one time, you know, are you just doing this for the court case? Because, I mean, of course you're going to think that. It's not like I'd ever really tried to get sober on my own. And why would I stop drinking if it's the one thing I love in the world? And for many, many years, he said, alcohol or me, family or me. I mean, family or alcohol, you know. I chose alcohol every single time. Why would he think that this was any different? So, I wasn't doing it for him. I wasn't doing it for my kids. I wasn't doing it for a job. I wasn't doing it for my friends. I was doing it because I wanted sobriety more than I wanted to drink. And that's a miracle. That's God working in me. Because the only reason I'm standing in front of you guys today is because of divine intervention. It is nothing that I did because I messed everything up. I messed everything up. And I am the problem. And I do blame other people for all the stuff going on in my life. I don't do that today. That's pretty amazing. Well, sometimes it's my husband's fault. But, you know, I have amazing people in my life today. Amazing. It's just my life is beautiful. It's joyful. There are things that happen in my life. Sure, you know, there are things that happen in everybody's life. But when things happen, I don't let it get to me. Because I know that God has it all figured out at the end. And I may not have to like it. Because a lot of times I don't. But as long as I keep my head held high with dignity and grace, trying. Not trying to do something. Because I hate when people say, I'm trying. You're not trying. I wasn't trying when I said I was trying. Because I wasn't doing anything. I take action today. I take action. I do not rest on my laurels. And that is, I believe. Bless you. Bless you. Bless you. Bless you. Bless you. Bless you. Bless you. Bless you. Bless you. Bless you. Bless you. Bless you. Bless you. Bless you. Bless you. My sobriety has been a blessing. It has been a burden removed for me. I can't tell you guys how much better my life is. My husband and I are together. And we just celebrated 16 years. Our children are, thank you. Lucky guy. Our children are absolutely amazing. 12 and 14. And. My poor 12-year-old, he's our boy, and I embarrass him all the time with my unicorns in my car and my singing, which he does not like. And I'm joyful, and I'm joyful because of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and I got it my own understanding because I have people in my life today that help me be a better person. It's not me. I don't do any of this. I take the action, but it's usually suggested, or I've seen somebody else do it. And I'm going to end with an AA thought that Tim has been so awesome to send to me via e-mail. I love these things, Tim. Please keep sending them. And this is the AA thought for the day. I have AA meetings to go to, thank God. Where would I go without them? Where would I be without them? Where would I find the sympathy, the understanding, the fellowship, the companionship? Nowhere else in the world. I have come home. I have found the place where I belong. I no longer wander alone over the face of the earth. I am at peace and at rest. What a great gift has been given me by AA. I do not deserve it, but it is nevertheless mine. I have a home at last. I am content. So I thank God every day for the AA fellowship. And I can say that I do. Thank you.